6 short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

6 short story jokes

Here are six short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh. They made me howl with laughter, so I hope they’ll brighten your day too. Enjoy them all.

SHORT STORY JOKES
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Short story jokes:

1. The Deaf Debt Collector:

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses subject to their protection racket.

As they were feeling the heat from the police, they decided to use someone deaf for the job. If someone deaf gets caught, they figure he wouldn’t be able to communicate easily with the police.

In his first week on the job, the deaf debt collector picks up over $50,000. That’s a lot of money, he thinks, and the deaf debt collector’s greed gets the better of him. He decides to keep the money, and he stashes it in a safe place.

However, it’s not long before the Mafia realises that the collection is late and they send out a couple of heavies to look for the deaf debt collector.

They soon find him and ask the deaf debt collector what he’s done with the money. The problem is that the deaf debt collector can’t communicate with them either, so the Mafia heavies drag him off to an interpreter.

They get to a sign language interpreter and the leading Mafioso then says, “I want ya to ask him where da money is.

So the interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?

The deaf debt collector tries to bluff his way out of his dilemma by saying, “I don’t know what they’re talking about.

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He’s saying he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

The Mafioso reaches into his coat and pulls out a .44 Remington Magnum handgun, which he points at the forehead of the deaf debt collector, and with real menace in his voice, he says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is, and tell him I won’t be askin’ again.

So the interpreter immediately signs, “Where’s the money? He says he won’t ask again, and I think he’s serious.

At this point, the deaf debt collector’s nerve goes, and he signs, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left by the gate near 72nd Street on Central Park West, and close to Strawberry Fields.

Getting impatient, the Mafioso looks at the interpreter and asks, “What did he say?

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, he thinks you’re an idiot, and he doesn’t think you’ve got the balls to pull the trigger!

2. The Balloonist and the Programmer:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and soon realizes he’s completely lost.

So he starts reducing height and suddenly spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon a little further and then shouts: “Excuse me, sir, I was wondering, can you tell me where I am? I seem to be lost.

Taken by surprise, the man looks up and replies, “Yeah, that’s easy. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering about 25 feet above this field.

You must work in IT. I’m guessing you work as a programmer?” says the balloonist.

I do and yes, I am,” replies the man, looking a little surprised. “How did you guess?

Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you’ve told me is technically correct, but it’s of no actual use to anyone.

The programmer smiles and then says, “Ah, you must be the CEO of a business.

Yes, I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how could you know that?

That’s easy,” says the programmer. “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.

3. The Tiger, the Man, and God:

A man is being chased by a tiger.

He’s running as hard as he can, and eventually, he gets to the edge of a cliff with the tiger still in hot pursuit.

The man looks over the edge of the cliff and sees a branch growing out of the side of the cliff just a few feet down.

Having no other option, the man jumps down and grabs the branch just before the tiger arrives at the cliff edge.

The tiger is growling viciously and pacing backwards and forwards along the cliff edge. The man sighs with relief, as he thinks he’s outsmarted the tiger.

At that moment, a little mouse appears from a crevice in the rock, and it begins to chew on the branch.

The man looks down at what is a drop of hundreds of feet. If he falls, it will surely result in his death. So he looks to the heavens and yelled out, “Dear God, if you are there, please help. I will do anything you ask, but please help.

You say you will do anything I ask?” Without it being questioned?” a voice booms from heaven above.

The man is surprised to get an immediate reply to his plea, but he yells back, “I will gladly do anything you ask, but please save me.

There’s one way to save you, but it will take courage and faith,” says the voice from above.

The man can feel the branch begin to weaken as the mouse continues to gnaw at it, and he can see the tiger still pacing around, growling at the cliff’s edge a few feet above him.

Please, Lord, tell me what I must do, and I will do it. Your will is my command,” shouts the man in despair.

All right then, let go of the branch,” the voice from heaven responds.

The man looks down to a fall of hundreds of feet and certain death. He looks up at the hungry tiger a few feet above him, and then he looks at the mouse still chewing on the branch.

He then looks up at the heavens again and yells, “Is there no one else up there I can speak to?

SHORT STORY JOKES
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4. The Mercedes Dealership:

An elderly man returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car he was interested in to a beautiful, busty blonde.

I thought you said you would hold that car for me until I raised the $75,000 asking price,” said the old man. “And now I’m told you just closed a deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.

Well, sir, what can I tell you?” replied the salesman, grinning. “She had the cash in her hand, and just look at her; she’s stunningly beautiful. How could I resist?”

At this point, the young lady approached the old man and handed him the keys to the car.

There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop his asking price. See you later, Grandpa.”

Moral of the story: Never mess with old people!

5. The Genie:

A customer service agent, an administration clerk, and their manager are all walking to lunch when they stumble upon an old, antique oil lamp.

Knowing that an old oil lamp can often house a genie, they enthusiastically rub it in hopeful anticipation.

Sure enough, out pops a genie.

I am the genie of the lamp, and you can each have one wish,” says the genie.

Me first! Me first!” says the customer service agent. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke, and the customer service agent’s gone.

Me next! Me next!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke, and the administration clerk’s gone

The genie then looks at the manager and says, “OK, Boss, I guess it’s your turn now.

I want those two back in the office in exactly 45 minutes,” the manager responds.

Moral of the story: It’s always a good idea to let your boss go first.

Phil Sutton

6. The Mexican Maid:

A Mexican maid asks for a pay rise from the lady of the house.

The wife is not happy about this, so she decides to talk to the maid about her request for more money.

Now, Maria, why do you want more money?” she asks.

Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increase,” replies the maid. “The first eez that I iron better than you.

Maria, who said you iron better than me?” responds the wife.

Jor huzban he say so Señora,” Maria replies.

Oh, he did, did he?” says the wife. “And what is your second reason?

The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you,” Maria responds.

That’s nonsense. Who said you’re a better cook than me?” asks the wife.

Jor hozban deed Señora,” Maria replies.

Oh, he did, did he?”  the wife responds, getting increasingly agitated.

The third reason eez that I ama better than you in da bed,” says Maria.

The lady of the house is now angry and, through gritted teeth, she asks, “And did my husband say that too?

No Señora, the gardener deed,” Maria replies.

OK, how much is it you want?” asks her employer.

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Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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21 Really Bad Jokes: So Bad They’re Funny

Here are 21 really bad jokes that will make you cringe and smile simultaneously.

They’re so bad they’re funny. Certainly, they made me smile.

So take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Phil Sutton
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21 Bad Jokes:

  • Cashier in store: “Would you like the milk in a bag?”
  • Man: “No, just leave it in the carton.”

 

  • Man in a bookstore: Where is the Self-Help section, please?
  • Saleswoman: If I told you that, sir, it would defeat the purpose.

 

  • Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
  • In case he gets a hole in one!

 

  • How do you make holy water?
  • You boil the hell out of it.

 

  • What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
  • Nothing, they just waved.

 

  • Who’s the king of the classroom?
  • The Ruler!

 

  • What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they were married?
  • Feyoncé!

 

  • Why can’t zoo animals take tests?
  • There are too many cheetahs!

 

  • Why did the scarecrow win an award?
  • Because he was outstanding in his field.

 

  • What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth?
  • Someday my prints will come.

 

  • Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
  • Great food but no atmosphere!

 

  • How many apples grow on a tree?
  • All of them!

 

  • How do you think the unthinkable?
  • With an itheberg!

 

  • What do you call a blind dinosaur?
  • Doyouthinkhesaurus

 

  • What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
  • It goes back four seconds!

 

  • What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
  • Dam.

 

  • If you’re American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?
  • European.

 

  • Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
  • He won the no-bell prize.

 

  • What’s red and bad for your teeth?
  • A brick.

 

  • Two guys walk into a bar.
  • The third guy ducks.

 

  • Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut?
  • He just needed some space.
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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these really bad jokes made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face now, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. Please share this post right away.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Just click on the links below.

Thank you for being so supportive.

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65 facts about life that few people ever mention

If you’re looking for facts about life, dear reader, this post is for you. Here are some facts that rarely, if ever, get a mention.

Some people will argue that this list is subjective. However, in my experience, the facts I offer you today are all true.

Take a look at them all and see what you think. And please feel free to pass them on.

Facts About Life
DishDilemma.com

Facts about life (1-20):

  1. There’s no such thing as easy money.
  2. If you don’t go for it, you won’t get it.
  3. You cannot debate with those who despise you.
  4. Your opinion is just as valid as the next person’s.
  5. In wanting to appeal to everyone, you’ll appeal to no one.
  6. Sometimes, the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
  7. You’ll be remembered not for what you got but for what you gave.
  8. Create your own job, and you’ll never be threatened by layoffs again.
  9. Life’s tough for everyone, and for many people, it’s very tough indeed.
  10. Free speech is the right to express opinions to which others may object.
  11. Rarely do people appreciate what they have until they no longer have it.
  12. If a lie is repeated often enough, eventually it becomes accepted as the truth.
  13. Just because it matters to you, it doesn’t mean it must matter to me, too.
  14. People should be judged by their character and the contribution they make.
  15. The public will get what it tolerates. An easy life comes at a significant price.
  16. We live on in the hearts we touched and within the people for whom we mattered.
  17. You don’t decide your future. You make choices, and your choices decide your future.
  18. By definition, a fact is a fact, and ignoring a fact doesn’t mean it ceases to exist.
  19. You won’t find true happiness in material things. Happiness lies in love and laughter.
  20. Blessed are the young, and those not born yet, for they shall inherit the national debt.
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Facts about life (21-35):

  1. The unquestioning acceptance of fashionable dogma is not the mark of great intellect.
  2. To believe is to accept unquestionably as fact that which cannot be demonstrated to be fact.
  3. People will believe what they want to believe, regardless of whether they can be sure it’s true.
  4. People who demand tolerance from others are frequently the most intolerant themselves.
  5. You’ll be judged not on what you say but on what you do. Talk is cheap, but only results matter.
  6. We’re not defined by the circumstances into which we were born. Life can be better if we make it so.
  7. Your years on this earth will teach you far more than you could learn in any university or college.
  8. All good ideas are eventually infiltrated and ruined by the attention-seeking few with their own agenda.
  9. In the po-faced, new-puritanical era in which we now live, we’re losing the ability to laugh at ourselves.
  10. With gambling, there’s only one winner consistently, and that’s the casino. That’s why they’re in business.
  11. It doesn’t matter what you do or how well you do it, there’ll always be someone who will criticise you.
  12. Success is enjoying what you do while having sufficient money to live your preferred lifestyle comfortably.
  13. Being too nice is not virtuous; it’s naive, bordering on foolishness, and it creates more problems than it solves.
  14. As long as we’re not hurting anyone else, then how we choose to live our lives is no one’s business but our own.
  15. If something cannot be subjected to scrutiny and criticism, then it’s probably not a good idea in the first place.

Facts about life (36-45):

  1. People will always have problems in need of solutions. If you can be that solution, you can make a good living.
  2. When your opinions run counter to the fashionable dogma of the day, you’re unlikely to get a fair hearing in the media.
  3. Past wrongs cannot be righted. All we can do is learn from any mistakes made and endeavour to do better next time.
  4. No job is more important than being a good parent because parents nurture the next generation, and children are the future.
  5. A promotion at work is not a reward for what you’ve done in the past; it’s an opportunity to show what you can do in the future.
  6. When everything’s going well and you’re feeling like you can do no wrong, think twice. You’re more vulnerable than you realise.
  7. We live in a world of Orwellian ‘newspeak’ where we’re expected to accept as fact that which everyone knows is complete nonsense.
  8. The world is full of Charlatans and con artists, all claiming to know what’s best for the rest of us. They should all be challenged constantly.
  9. Having a fancy job title doesn’t mean you’re more important than someone else. A job is just a job, and we all add value in our own way.
  10. We have to deal with reality as it is and not how we like it to be. So, we must protect ourselves and our interests because no one will do it for us.
Phil Sutton

Facts about life (46-54):

  1. Extreme political movements are usually a lot of useful idiots led by a few sinister people with an agenda that’s in no one’s interests but theirs.
  2. We’ll keep making the same mistake until we learn the lesson the mistake was intended to teach us. Life is a classroom, and the lessons never stop.
  3. A question asked comes with no obligation to provide anything other than a polite response. Remember that should you ever be grilled by the media.
  4. Remaining loyal to the circumstances into which you were born is not a noble act. Just because you were born poor doesn’t mean you have to remain poor.
  5. We live in an age when a lack of knowledge or expertise doesn’t mean people will not have an opinion on a given issue that they expect to be taken seriously.
  6. It’s for us to give our lives meaning. To leave a legacy by doing something that’ll add a little value to the lives of others and make the world a slightly better place.
  7. If you don’t tend to your own garden regularly, it will be quickly attacked by noxious weeds. Life’s like that too. We must all take good care of that which is precious to us.
  8. An employer will replace you in a heartbeat, should you pass away, but to your loved ones you can never be replaced. That should tell you where your priority should be.
  9. History serves as a series of lessons to us all. We cannot be selective about what we include in our history, otherwise, we risk forgetting the lessons and making the same mistakes again.

Facts about life (55-60):

  1. Drawing attention to injustices, wherever they are, really can make a difference. So don’t be afraid to call out those who seek to harm others for doing nothing other than expressing an opinion.
  2. To remain silent is to be irrelevant. A quiet life will come at a cost to you. The cost is people with louder voices moving the world in a direction you may not like. Speak up or live with the consequences.
  3. In a totalitarian world dissenting voices must be crushed ruthlessly or they might influence others to express dissent too. Political ideologues demand subservience and dogma accepted without question.
  4. If your job can be done from anywhere, then someone anywhere can do your job? So, if a company is looking to reduce costs, in order to increase their profits, jobs will be moved to wherever in the world labour is cheapest.
  5. Extreme ideology can pass into the mainstream and take hold if we’re all too complacent to stay on top of what’s going on. If we’re asleep at the wheel, life can quickly become a car crash and we’ll only have ourselves to blame.
  6. If we judge previous generations through the prism of modern sensibilities, they’ll always look bad. They lived in their time and we live in ours. We cannot know what their lives were really like, so we cannot judge them fairly, nor should we try.

Facts about life (61-65):

  1. It doesn’t matter how good a job you do, others will take credit for your contribution long after you’ve gone, but you’ll be the person responsible for any problems, regardless of whether you actually had anything to do with any of them or not.
  2. Celebrities are nothing more than skilled media manipulators who profit from the public’s gullibility by constantly maintaining an image with the aim of creating the illusion that they’re something special when in fact they’re nothing special at all.
  3. The problem with social media today is that far too many people feel the need to express opinions consistent with the latest fashionable dogma currently trending regardless of whether they actually have any significant knowledge of the subject at all.
  4. Unless your ambition is to secure a job for which having a degree is mandatory, then you’re probably wasting three years of your life and $75,000 of debt by going to university nowadays. You’re unlikely to get a return on the debt you incur, so consider your options carefully.
  5. They say that those with the gold make the rules. Well, if you’re not being served in the way you feel you should be, then whoever’s providing you with that service can be reminded of the purchasing power you hold in your hands by a simple boycott. You don’t have to accept the unacceptable.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these facts about life interesting and useful, dear reader?

If so, then please share it on social media with your friends. When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you do I’ll be forever grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Phil Sutton Holiday Planning
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15 more short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

Looking for some more short story jokes, dear reader? Well, I’ve got 15 funny ones here for you today. I guarantee they’ll make you laugh.

So, grab a cup of coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

more short story jokes
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More Short Story Jokes (1-5):

1. The Brown Bear:

Two friends, Bill and George were out hiking in the Katmai National Park in Alaska when suddenly they saw a brown bear ambling along in their direction.

Bill immediately takes out a pair of running shoes from his backpack and then sits down to replace his heavy hiking books with his Nikes.

George is puzzled by Bill’s actions, so naturally, he asks, “Bill why are you putting on your running shoes right now?

George, you don’t seriously think I’m going to hang around until we’re spotted by that bear, do you?” Bill responds.

Bill, don’t be ridiculous,” said George, “you’ll never outrun a brown bear.

I don’t have to outrun the bear,” Bill responded “I only have to outrun you!

With that Bill disappeared into the distance shouting back as he went, “Good luck with that bear George.

2. The Efficiency Expert:

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant in Manhattan called The Lemon Tree.

As the waiter was taking our order I noticed he had a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange but initially, I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I couldn’t help noticing that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

And then as I gazed around the restaurant I could see that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.

So when the waiter came back to serve the soup naturally I enquired, “Why is every member of staff here carrying a spoon?

Well,” said the waiter, “the restaurant’s owner hired consultants from McKinsey to improve our processes. After several weeks of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. They calculated that there was a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.

Are you serious?” I felt compelled to ask.

Yes sir!” said the waiter. “They concluded that if our people are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.

As luck would have it at this point I managed to drop my spoon and he replaced it with the spare from his pocket immediately.

He then explained, “I’ll simply get another spoon when I next go to the kitchen, rather than making a special trip there right now.

Such efficiency was impressive.

I then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I could see that all of the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies too.

Puzzled by this I asked the waiter, “Why do you all have a string hanging from the fly in your trousers?

Oh!” he said, lowering his voice, “The McKinsey consultants concluded that this will help us save time when we have to visit the restroom during a shift.

How so?” I inquired.

Well,” he said, “by tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This shortens the time spent in the restroom by 39% they think.

Wow!” I said. “But how do you put it back in your trousers once you’ve finished?

Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.

3. Goodtime Girl:

I met a girl in a bar who said she worked in a fairground.

She asked me if I would like to go to her place and have a good time.

She wasn’t kidding. I went on the Dodgems, the Big Dipper, the Waltzer and the Ghost Train, all for free. I even came home with a goldfish and some Cotton Candy.

DishDilemma.com

4. Car Park Incident:

I left my car in a multi-storey car park the other day, and when I returned, the back of the car had a huge dent in it.

I found a note under the windshield wiper, and it said, “Sorry but I accidentally reversed into your car. There were witnesses, so I left this note so they’d think I was leaving my contact details. Well, I’m not. And in case you’re wondering, the CCTV is broken too, so it’s not your lucky day.”

Jock is a former special forces soldier who gets hired by the Sultan of Oman to help train his army.

After six months, Jock submits a leave request so he can visit Scotland for his mother’s birthday.

The Sultan is happy to grant his request, provided Jock promises to bring him back something traditionally Scottish.

Well, Jock goes home to Glasgow and enjoys celebrating his mother’s birthday and having a few drinks with all his old mates.

The day before Jock is due to fly back to Muscat, he realises he’d forgotten about the Sultan’s request.

Hey, ma,” says Jock, “I was supposed to get something traditionally Scottish for the Sultan and I forgot.”

Relax, son,” said his mother. “I’ll bake some of my famous shortbread. You can take that back with you.

With that, she bakes several trays of shortbread and, once it’s all cooled, she puts it all in Tupperware boxes to keep it fresh.

When Jock arrives back in Oman, he presents the Sultan with the traditional Scottish shortbread.

Well, the Sultan is impressed with this traditional Scottish treat and thoroughly enjoys it. To show his appreciation, the Sultan sends Jock’s mum a solid gold vase. A prized item worth a considerable sum.

A few more months pass, and once again, Jock requests some leave so he can visit Scotland.

Once again, it’s not a problem.

Yes, of course,” says the Sultan, “but please bring me back some of that delicious homemade shortbread.

So, Jock goes back to Glasgow, and he mentions to his mum that he wants her to make some more shortbread for the Sultan.

You must be joking, son,” says his mother. “I’m still waiting on my Tupperware dishes back!

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Pete finally went to see his physician for a checkup, and the doctor said to him, “Can we talk about your weight?

Sure,” said Pete. “It was about 25 minutes, but the chairs were comfortable, and the selection of magazines was impressive.

7. Farming Logic:

A guy is driving along a country road when he sees a farmer standing in the middle of a large field. The farmer is doing absolutely nothing except standing and gazing into the distance.

The guy stops and asks the farmer if he’s OK.

Yes,” said the farmer, “I’m fine.”

That’s good,” says the guy. “I was a little worried, as you’re just standing and staring at nothing in particular.”

That’s because I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize,” the farmer responds.

A Nobel Prize?” says the guy, somewhat surprised. “How will you win a Nobel Prize?

Well,” says the farmer, “I’m told that to win a Nobel Prize, you just need to be out standing in your field.”

8. The Counterfeiters:

A couple of small-time counterfeiters, Jack and Earl had managed to get hold of a small stock of the actual paper used for printing American currency. This was a genuine stroke of luck and they intended to make the most of it. So they set about printing some twenty-dollar bills.

However, they’d been drinking heavily beforehand and their attention to the job wasn’t all that it should have been. Nevertheless, they printed off their counterfeit currency and then staggered off to bed.

The following morning when they’d sobered up they looked at their previous night’s work and suddenly realized they’d printed $18 dollar bills by mistake.

Oh, no!” said Jack. “We’ve used all the paper, so we can’t print them off again, can we?

No problem,” said Earl. “All we need to do is find some little hick town in the hills somewhere and go into a store and ask some inbred to change them for lower denomination notes.

Do you think that will work?” said Jack.

Sure!” said Earl “And I know just the place.

So Jack and Earl got in their car with all the counterfeit currency and headed for a little hick town in NowheresVille.

Eventually, they came to a tiny little town deep in the hills with just one store. So they stopped and entered the store.

Jack handed one of the counterfeit $18 bills to the guy behind the counter and politely asked, “Hey buddy, would you mind changing this for some lower denomination notes, please? If you could, that would be appreciated.

The clerk looked at the $18 bill, smiled and said, “Sure, no problem. What’s your preference, two nines or three sixes?

Phil Sutton

9. The Thoughtful Husband:

Sometime after Stephen had died his widow, Alice was finally able to speak about what a wonderful and thoughtful man her late husband had been.

Stephen thought of everything“, she told her friend Mabel. “You know, just before he died, Stephen called me to his bedside and he handed me three envelopes.

Really?” said Mabel. “And what did he say?

He said, Alice, I have put my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I’ve instructed. Then I can rest in peace,” Alice responded.

So, what was in the envelopes?” Mabel enquired.

In the first envelope, there was $5,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such thick padding in the lining that I know Stephen is resting very comfortably.” Alice responded.

Really?” said Mabel.

Yes,” said Alice, “And in the second envelope there was $10,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I arranged a very dignified funeral for Stephen, attended by all his friends and family.

So what was in the third envelope?” asked Mabel.

The third envelope contained $50,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this to buy a suitable stone so I’m remembered’.” Alice responded.

At this point, she held up her hand to Mabel and pointed to the ten-carat diamond ring on her finger.

So Mabel,” said Alice, “do you like the stone?

10. The Hearing Test:

Bill was concerned about his elderly wife’s hearing. So he decided to test it without telling her.

He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, “Honey can you hear me?

There was no response.

So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, “Honey can you hear me?

Still, he got no response.

So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice, shouting in her ear, “HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

His wife put down her newspaper and turned towards him saying, “Bill, I said ‘Yes’ three times already!

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Little Maisie is sitting on a jam-packed train.

A man sat next to her, and he noticed she was reading a biblical tale. So, he engages her in conversation.

What are you reading?” asked the man.

It’s the story of Jonah and the Whale,” Maisie responds.

The man smiles and says, “You do know that it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because, even though it is a large mammal, it only has a small throat.

Little Maisie smiles politely and says, “Well, when I get to Heaven, I’ll be sure to ask Jonah what happened.”

The man smiles back and then says, “How can you be sure Jonah went to Heaven? He may have gone to Hell.

Little Maisie thought about this comment momentarily and then said, “Well, if that’s the case, I guess you’ll have to ask him!

On a dark country road, late at night, Jane is driving when she runs over a chicken crossing the road.

Just as she stops to check what has happened, a farmer runs over to her in hysterics.

Oh my god!” screamed the farmer. “That was our prized egg-laying hen!  Most of our income came from the eggs it laid. We’re already underwater on the house; how will I feed my family now?

Jane began to panic. However, thinking fast, she remembered she was carrying $500 in cash. So, she handed over the money to the farmer, saying, “I’m sorry. It was an accident. Take this by way of compensation.

The farmer calms down and takes the money, and Jane leaves the scene as quickly as she can before there’s any chance of him changing his mind.

As Jane’s car disappears into the distance, the farmer heads back to his chicken coop. As he’s about to retrieve another chicken, his wife appears and asks him what’s going on.

The farmer tells her the story of the run-over chicken and the $500.

The farmer’s wife looked at him suspiciously and asked, “Why was our chicken crossing the road?

As the farmer lifts another chicken out of the coop, he smiles and says, “Because we have a mortgage, honey!

Jim and his wife, Laura, were awakened at 2 am by a loud knock on their front door.

So, Jim got up, went downstairs and opened the door. It was raining heavily, and standing there was a man who appeared to be drunk.

Excuse me, sir,” said the drunk. “Can you give me a push?

You’re joking,” Jim responded. “It’s pouring with rain, it’s 2 am, and I’m tired after a long day at work. You’ll have to find someone else to help you.

With that, Jim slammed the door and went back to bed.

Who was it?” asked Laura

It was just some drunken guy asking for a push,” said Jim.

Oh, how unfortunate for him,” said Laura. “Did you help him?

No, I did not,” said Jim. “It’s late, it’s raining, and I’m tired. He can find someone else to help him.

Well, you have a short memory,” says Laura. “Have you forgotten last month when our car broke down in the rain and you were glad that a guy stopped to help you. So, go and help him. That would be the decent thing to do.”

Well, Laura’s words made Jim feel guilty, so he got up, got dressed and went out to help the guy.

Naturally, at this time, it’s pitch black and it’s hard to see anything.

So, Jim calls out, “Hello, buddy, are you still there?

There was a momentary silence before Jim heard a voice. “Yes!” said the voice.

Do you still need a push?” shouted Jim.

Yes, please!” The guy shouts back.

I can’t see you in the dark. Where are you exactly?” asks Jim.

There was another momentary pause before Jim heard the guy shout, “I’m over here on the swing.

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Myrtle is travelling with her dog, Rover, on a flight from New York to Wilmington, North Carolina.

She checks in her luggage and Rover in a crate.

When the flight arrives in Wilmington, the baggage handlers are unloading the luggage compartment, and when they get to the crate, they see that the dog is dead.

Fearing a lawsuit and the possibility of losing their jobs, the baggage handlers drive over to a pet store near the airport to see if there’s any chance they might have a dog for sale that matches Rover in breed and appearance.

Well, it seemed the Lord was smiling on them, because the pet store did indeed have a dog for sale that was a perfect match.

Having purchased the dog, they return to the airport with no more than five minutes to spare before Myrtle arrives to collect her luggage and the dog.

As the baggage handlers brought the crate to her, Myrtle looked in and screamed, “Oh my God!

Mam, is there a problem?” asked the chief baggage handler.

That’s not Rover!” shouted Myrtle.

How can you tell?” asked the baggage handler.

Because Rover was dead,” said Myrtle. “I was bringing him home to be buried.”

Jake was a young tech entrepreneur who had been less than careful with his bookkeeping. Suddenly, he finds himself being subjected to an IRS audit.

Before he could completely comprehend what was happening, Jake was summoned to a meeting with a tax officer at his local IRS office to explain his financial circumstances.

Being nervous about how to deal with this, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear to the meeting.

Being wary of the IRS, his accountant said, “Listen, buddy, you don’t want to give them the impression that you’re doing well. So, wear the shabbiest clothing you have and let them think you’re a pauper.

This advice didn’t convince Jake, so he decided to seek a second opinion from his lawyer.

His lawyer had a different view from his accountant.

You’ve got to look like you mean business. Don’t let them intimidate you,” said the lawyer. “If you do, they’ll think you’ve something to hide. Look your best and wear a suit and tie.”

These opposing views left Jake a little confused.

So, he went to his parish priest and told him about the conflicting advice he’d received from his professional advisors. “Father, what should I do?” asked Jake.

Let me tell you a story, my son, about a young woman of this parish,” said Father Murphy. “She was about to be married and asked her mother for advice about what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother suggested she wear a flannel night-gown. However, when she asked her friend the same question, she was told to wear a see-through negligee.

I’m sorry, Father,” Jake interjected, “but how is this relevant to my predicament?

Father Murphy smiled at him benevolently and said, “Jake, my son, it’s the IRS. It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re still going to get screwed.

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Why your personal philosophy for life really matters

Let’s talk about philosophy for life and what it matters.

An article relating to philosophy sounds like it might prove to be a little heavy, doesn’t it, dear reader? You might think I’ll be debating the merits of Plato, Socrates, and other thought-leading philosophers. Not today, that’s for sure. My aim today is to consider the idea of your personal philosophy for life and why it matters.

Personal philosophy explained:

What do I mean by ‘your personal philosophy‘?

In this case, I’m not referring to the fundamental nature of knowledge, reality and existence, and philosophical thinkers, past and present.

By philosophy, I’m referring to your mindset, whether it’s positive or negative, and how you choose to see the world around you.

I believe personal philosophy really does matter.

I think how you choose to look at life and the world around you will influence your life experiences to a greater degree than you might expect. It’ll also influence how happy you’ll be.

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A simple philosophy:

My own personal philosophy for life is simple.

Firstly, I accept the world around me is the world around me. It is what it is. Stuff happens and I have little or no control over most of what happens. That’s just life.

Politicians will come and politicians will go. They’ll promise much but deliver very little, usually.

Philosophically I accept that which I cannot influence directly. I see little point in worrying about any of it. Why worry about stuff you can’t change?

In my experience, people will always look after their own interests first.

That’s fair enough if you think about it because why would they do otherwise? If people don’t look after their own interests, then no one else will; that’s for sure.

The underlying point here is that most of what’s happening around us is all just noise really. All we can do is work around it.

And basically, that’s what I try to do.

Work on improving what you have to offer:

I focus on my own interests and those of my family, and I always do my best to protect what’s mine.

My family will always come first, and I will do anything for them. Well, anything that’s legal, at least.

To do the best for my family, I recognise that I have to be the best that I can be. To have skills and knowledge that will allow me to add as much value to my work as I possibly can.

So I take personal development seriously. That way, the more value I can add, the greater will be my income.

I’m a reader and a keen learner, and I’m constantly working to add to my skill set and knowledge. Learning for me is a lifelong process; it never stops, and I will keep learning until I no longer have the energy to pick up a book.

Learning is an investment in yourself.

I believe that the better informed you are, the better prepared you’ll be to excel in your chosen field of work. You’ll also be better prepared to seize any opportunities that come your way too.

Income comes from serving other people:

Let’s face it, dear reader, work is just doing stuff for other people in exchange for money. Through our work, we serve other people.

We work to generate income. And we generate income to put bread on the table and a roof over ourselves and the heads of our loved ones.

While work gives us a sense of purpose and adds value to our lives, we should not live just to work. The idea should be to work to live. Well, I think so anyway.

Become financially independent:

We must work hard when we’re at work, of course, but we must enjoy life with the family as much as possible too. As they say, where I come from, we’ll be a long time dead.

My aim in life is to be financially independent with multiple income streams.

With multiple income streams, there’s a reduced risk of not having any income at all. Not having all your eggs in one basket makes a lot of sense to me.

Master the game of life:

Essentially, I see life as a game. And I aim to become a master of the game of life.

We must look after our own interests because no one else will.

We must be prepared to be ruthless when necessary. By that, I don’t mean being nasty or mean to people. However, if you don’t push hard sometimes, chances are you’ll lose out to those who are willing to make good use of their elbows.

My point is that we can’t afford to be overly sentimental, and on occasions, in making the right decisions for us it may prove to be less favourable for someone else.

If that happens, that’s life, I’m afraid. We must make decisions that are right for us.

Never lose sight of your own interests:

Sometimes you really have got to be prepared to use your elbows if you’re going to grab your fair share of life’s pie. Don’t be too willing to let other people go first. You might find there’s nothing left for you.

As always, there’s a balance to be struck, of course, but never lose sight of your own interests, and never do anything that works against your own interests.

There is no utopian place where all’s well and the sun shines every day. Life is life. Some of it’s good and some of it’s not quite so good.

However, in the end it’s what we make of it that counts. We get out what we put in. There’s no free ride for anyone. On Spaceship Earth we’re all crew.

Don’t let life steal your joy:

All you can do with life is deal with it as best you can.

Enjoy the summers but make sure you’re prepared for the winters too. There will always be winters. Winters always follow summers, so be prepared.

Enjoy the good times, and when life gets difficult all you can do is take it on the chin and move on.

Worrying about anything you cannot control just steals your joy and spoils your day.

Life’s too short.

Do what you can with what you have where you are, and most of all, enjoy every minute because the years all go by in the blink of an eye. So don’t die before you’ve lived.

And always make time for friends and loved ones. Without them, you have nothing at all.

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Thank you.

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21 silly jokes guaranteed to make your kids smile

Kids love silly jokes, and quite a few adults do too, including me. Whenever I hear silly jokes, I always make a note of them in my journal. Well, they’re always useful for breaking the ice at dinner parties, if nothing else.

Anyway, today I thought I’d trawl through my journal and put together a collection of some of the best silly jokes just for you, dear reader. I hope you enjoy them all.

Certainly, I did, both the first time around and on reviewing them now.

Yes, they’re all very silly, but they’re guaranteed to make your kids smile.

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Silly Jokes:

  • Why did the ant elope?
  • Nobody gnu
  • Why do skunks argue?
  • They like to kick up a stink
  • How do you arrest a pig?
  • Put it in ham cuffs
  • Why do horses look sad?
  • They have long faces
  • Why do coyotes call at night?
  • The rates are cheaper
  • What animal never gets wet?
  • An umbrellephant
  • What makes a chicken blush?
  • Henbarrassment
  • In what key does a cow sing?
  • Beef flat
  • Why don’t anteaters get sick?
  • They’re full of antibodies
  • How do rodents keep their breath fresh?
  • Using mousewash
Silly Jokes
Silly Jokes
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  • What did the parrot say to the spaniel?
  • I’m a cocker too
  • How do you eat an elephant?
  • One bite at a time
  • What sound does a space turkey make?
  • Hubble, Hubble, Hubble
  • Why are giraffes brave?
  • Because they’re always sticking their next out
  • How many skunks does it take to stink out a room?
  • A phew
  • How does a dolphin make a decision?
  • Flipper coin
  • How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?
  • You get a buzzy tone
  • What’s even better than the cat’s whiskers?
  • The bee’s knees
  • What happened when two American stoats got married?
  • They became the United Stoats of America
  • What do you get from a chicken who’s been drinking whisky?
  • Scotch eggs
  • What’s goes through a fly’s mind on impact with your windscreen?
  • Its ass
Phil Sutton

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If any of these silly jokes made you smile, then please share them with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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17 cheesy jokes guaranteed to raise a smile

If you like cheesy jokes, this post is for you.

I’ve been surfing the Internet looking for humour and smiles.

On this occasion, I was specifically looking for cheesy jokes.

And I found 17 cheesy jokes that made me smile. I hope they make you smile today, too.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t identify the authors, but should you be one of them, please let me know, and I will add a suitable credit and link to your work.

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Cheesy jokes:

  • What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles? 
  • UCLA 
  • Which US State has the smallest soft drinks? 
  • Mini-soda 
  • Where do pencils go for vacation? 
  • Pencil-vania
  • What do you call an unpredictable, out-of-control photographer?
  • A loose Canon
  • What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? 
  • A Bagel 
  • Where do Volkswagens go when they get old? 
  • The Old Volks home!
  • What did the fisherman say to the magician? 
  • Pick a cod, any cod!
  • Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
  • Because he was on a roll 
  • Why did the poor man sell yeast? 
  • To raise some dough
  • How do snails fight? 
  • They slug it out
  • Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? 
  • Because he wanted to see time fly! 
  • What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun? 
  • I just love baskin’ robins
  • What do lawyers wear to court? 
  • Lawsuits! 
  • Why did the man put his money in the freezer? 
  • He wanted cold, hard cash!
  • What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? 
  • I don’t know and I don’t care. 
  • How does NASA organize a party?
  • They planet
  • What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand? 
  • Quattro Sinko 
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Were these cheesy quotes funny? Did they make you smile? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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25 silly jokes that are laugh out loud funny

Here’s another batch of short and silly but laugh out loud funny jokes just for you, dear reader.

Laughter is the best medicine, and we all need laugh out loud funny jokes to brighten our challenging lives.

So grab a coffee and take a few moments to enjoy these laugh out loud funny jokes right now.

I hope they give you a few minutes of pleasure to brighten your day.

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Laugh out loud funny:

  • If I’m nobody;
  • And nobody’s perfect;
  • Then I must be perfect.
  • Why are frogs so happy?
  • They eat whatever bugs them.
  • How do you befriend a squirrel?
  • Act like a nut.
  • Why did the lifeguard kick the elephants out of the pool?
  • Because they kept dropping their trunks.
  • What do you call a pooch living in Alaska?
  • A chilly dog.
  • What do call you a row of bunnies moving backwards?
  • A receding hare line.
  • Why was the paediatrician always losing his temper?
  • Because he had little patients.
  • What condition does a noodle have when it doesn’t feel it’s good enough?
  • Impasta syndrome.
  • Would you like to hear a joke about construction?
  • I’m still working on it.
  • I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
    He cried and gave me a big hug.
  • My wife was complaining that I never take her anywhere expensive.
  • So I said, “Come on, get in the car; we’re going to the gas station.”
Laugh out loud funny
Laugh out loud funny
DishDilemma.com
  • They say 40 is the new 30
  • But try telling that to a traffic cop.
  • Relationships are like algebra.
  • You look at your X and wonder Y.
  • What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
  • BREATH!
  • What do you call a magic dog?
  • A labracadabrador.
  • You could say it was an emotional wedding.
  • Even the cake was in tears.
  • What do you call a deer with no eyes?
  • No eye deer.
  • A guy assaulted me with milk, cream, and butter.
  • How dairy.
  • My ex-wife still misses me.
  • But her aim’s improving.
  • I own a pencil once owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
  • Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
  • People didn’t like having to bend over to get their drinks.
  • So I decided to raise the bar.
  • The World Tongue-Twister Champion was up before the judge in court.
  • I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.
  • I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
  • It’s a complex complex complex.
  • I hate insects puns.
  • They really bug me.
  • I’ve been trying to lose weight.
  • But it keeps finding me.
Phil Sutton

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Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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22 bad puns that are so bad they’re funny

If you’re searching for bad puns, this post is for you.

I love puns, as you may have seen in some previous blog posts. The clever use of words always makes me smile. Whether they’re good puns or bad puns, they usually make me laugh.

Today my focus is on bad puns for a change.

So, here are 22 bad puns that reflect on why so many professionals never die.

I hope they brighten your day or, at least, don’t make you groan too much.

Enjoy them all now.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

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Bad Puns: 

  1. Old owls never die they just don’t give a hoot.
  2. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
  3. Old sculptors never die they just lose their marbles.
  4. Old professors never die they just lose their class.
  5. Old limbo dancers never die they just go under.
  6. Old chemists never die they just fail to react.
  7. Old mathematicians never die they just disintegrate.
  8. Old investors never die they just roll over.
  9. Old printers never die they’re just not the type.
  10. Old sanitation engineers never die they’re just dumped.
  11. Old police officers never die they just cop out.
  12. Old bankers never die they just lose interest.
  13. Old sewage workers never die they just waste away.
  14. Old electricians never die they just lose contact.
  15. Old accountants never die they just lose their figures.
  16. Old photographers never die they just stop developing.
  17. Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
  18. Old tailors never die they just get stitched up.
  19. Old chauffeurs never die they just lose their drive.
  20. Old quarterbacks never die they just pass away.
  21. Old cleaners never die they just kick the bucket.
  22. Old cooks never die they just get deranged.
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Can you add another one?

On the theme of old professionals never dying, can you add another one to this list?

Maybe you could make one up and entertain our readers? Perhaps a pun related to your profession or hobby? I’ll bet you can, dear reader.

Go on, have a go at writing one of your own, and send it to me via the Contact Page.

The page will then be updated and you’ll get a full acknowledgement on this post for your contribution

I’m confident readers will have lots of great ideas. So go on, let me have them now.

Phil Sutton

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However, perhaps you feel that you could use another laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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19 funny jokes to tell your friends

Today I thought you might appreciate some funny jokes to tell your friends.

You’ll always have friends if you can entertain people and tell a joke or two. We all love to laugh, and someone amusing is immediately likeable. So, to be likeable, always have a few jokes in your back pocket.

If you want to make your friends smile, here are 19 funny jokes to tell your friends. Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

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FUNNY JOKES TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS

Funny jokes to tell your friends (1-10)


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Funny jokes to tell your friends (11-19)


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I hope so. If they did make you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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Phil Sutton

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