How to turn your yearly income into your monthly income

How-to-turn-your-yearly-income-into-your-monthly-incomeAre you one of those people who feel you should be earning more than you do?

Would you like to know how to turn your yearly income into your monthly income?

To have enough money to enjoy the lifestyle you’d love?

You’d like a greater income but you don’t know how?

Perhaps you feel that big money never flows to people like you?

A natural assumption perhaps, but it’s wrong.

With the right approach, you too can have a lot more money than you have right now. Yes, you can become truly wealthy.

The question is where do you begin?

Well, you can start by understanding the Law of Compensation. In the video included here the self-help guru, Bob Proctor explains that income is earned according to the Law of Compensation.

The Law of Compensation:

Bob explains that the Law of Compensation states that the amount of money you earn will always be in exact ratio to the following three points, namely:-

  1. The NEED for what you do.
  2. Your ABILITY to do it.
  3. The DIFFICULTY there would be in REPLACING YOU.

Now you have no control over points 1 and 3, so you must concentrate on point number 2. You must be constantly honing your skills and become a master of whatever you do.

That said, becoming a master of what you do is only part of the solution.

To earn more you must decide on your strategy for earning money. In the video Bob Proctor explains that there are in fact only three strategies for earning money.

The Strategies for Earning Money:

So what are the three income earning strategies? Bob Proctor describes these are M1; M2; and M3. In more detail that means:-

M1: Trading your time for money:

Essentially this is paid employment and it is the way that 96% of people earn an income.

The problem is that, unless you’re a Wall Street banker, you’re unlikely to get rich this way. In fact it probably explains why you’re not rich right now.

M2: Invest Money to Earn Money:

Assuming you’re working for the man as a salaried employee, you can start saving, and gradually as your savings grow you can invest your money in stocks, bonds and property and over time your investments will start generating an income of their own.

That’s great but you need to know what you’re doing and, if you have nothing now, it will take some time before you can start generating anything approaching a useful extra income.

Of course, should you have a large sum of money right now then this might be a solution but for most people it’s not really, which is why only around 3% of people make an income this way.

How-to-turn-your-yearly-income-into-your-monthly-income-2M3: Multiply your time with multiple sources of income:

Establishing multiple income streams is where you can start making serious money.

Even fewer people make an income this way, around 1%, but that has more to do with the fact that most people fail to recognize its potential.

Now let me make one thing clear, having multiple income streams does not mean working multiple jobs.

It means having income streams that will earn money for you even whilst you’re sleeping.

M3 is the income strategy that will help you earn far more than you earn now. Certainly, it will if you do it right.

Bob Proctor offers the example of Network Marketing (also known as Multi-Level Marketing) whereby not only do you sell products but you also create your own network of sellers which means when they sell you get a part of the commission generated on those sales.

The best network marketers have made a lot of money this way but it’s not the only answer to generate multiple streams of income.

The internet offers multiple ways of getting rich online nowadays.

For instance, you can use Amazon as a marketplace and sell products with fulfilment (delivery to the customer) handled by Amazon.

You can also generate commissions through affiliate marketing with Amazon, as well as others like Clickbank and Commission Junction (CJ). These can be great ways to make money whilst you sleep.

Blogging and Vlogging are other ways of producing income streams too.

There are numerous ways for the ambitious and determined. In fact, it’s never been easier for people prepared to put in the effort.

So listen to what Bob Proctor has to say and be inspired to take action now.

The Game of Money-Making:

Further Reading:

In the video, Bob Proctor makes reference to Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill.

Think and Grow Rich is a classic of the financial education genre.

Originally written in the 1930s but it’s still around today and still popular and very relevant.

It’s still around for a reason. It’s exceptional and definitely worth adding to your personal reference library. It’s a ‘must read’ if you want to master the game of money-making.I have my own copy and you can take a look at the book if you CLICK HERE.

Bob Proctor himself has also produced some excellent self-help books too and you can take a look at them if you CLICK HERE.

DISCLOSURE: This website is an Amazon affiliate. Should you click on any of the links included in the text above and you then make a purchase, you should be aware that this website will receive a small commission, at NO additional cost to you. These commissions serve only to cover the cost of maintaining this site. Your understanding is truly appreciated dear reader. Thank you.

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21 best puns ever and guaranteed to make you smile

Best-Puns-Ever-1I love wordplay, especially that form of wordplay that exploits multiple meanings of words for humorous effect.

I think clever puns are brilliant, which is why I’ve been searching the Internet for some of the best ones.

Here of 21 of the best puns I’ve found, so let me know what you think.

As always when searching the net for wit and wisdom, it’s difficult to confirm the original author. Should you be one of them dear reader then please let me know. That way I can give you full credit for your brilliance.

Best puns ever:

  1. How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
  2. I hate peer pressure and you should too.
  3. Ladies, if he doesn’t appreciate your fruit jokes, let that mango.
  4. I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
  5. I’m a born pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
  6. My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she’s a keeper.
  7. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where’s the bartender?”
  8. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  9. I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  10. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well, it’s just gathering dust.
  11. What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
  12. About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
  13. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  14. A cop knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes but my dogs don’t even own bikes.
  15. I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. That must be a milestone.
  16. To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing.
  17. This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that’s a nice Jester.
  18. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
  19. I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda then I realised it was just a Fanta sea.
  20. A wife shouted to her husband that moose were falling from the sky. No, it’s just reindeer, he responded.
  21. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns but I realized that toucan play at that game.

Best-Puns-Ever-2Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these the best puns ever? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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Success Secrets: How your life can be better than it is now

Success-SecretsHow is life for you? Perhaps you’re lucky and you have a great job, a nice house, a fancy car, a loving family and a lifestyle which is the envy of your neighbours? If that’s you then well done but there’s nothing for you here. If you’ve achieved all that then you don’t need any success secrets from me.

If it is you then I must tell you, you’re in a minority. However, I’m guessing you’re not part of that minority? Am I right? Statistically, you’re much more likely to be a member of life’s majority. Those people with a desire for their lives to be better but who for whatever reason cannot translate that desire into something that’s better.

Statistically, you’re more likely to be part of that group of people constantly on the lookout for success secrets. People searching for the ‘secret sauce‘ if you like. You’re not alone of course but I hope this post will help you.

Why is it that some people are successful and others are not?

What secrets do the successful know that the unsuccessful do not know?

Can anyone be successful? The simple answer is yes.

However unsuccessful people tend to think it’s not possible, so they don’t try. They just accept what they’re given as if that’s all they can expect from life. It’s almost as if they say to themselves, this is all life has for me. It’s like they believe that there are no success secrets.

Well, I must tell you now, if it’s not obvious to you, life can be better. Life is what you make it. Within reason, you can be whatever you want to be. You can have more. Other people do, so why not you?

Right now, where you are is where you are. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you don’t have to remain where you are. You’re not a tree, you can move. You can change. You can decide that your life will be different. And you can work towards something that’s better.

Your life really can be better than it is and you can be better than you are. However for it to be better you have to believe it can be better and you have to believe that you can turn it around. In fact, you have to believe in success secrets.

One thing all successful people have in common is a belief that something different can happen and they can make it happen. They don’t allow anyone to tell them it can’t be done. They know what they want and they’re determined to get it.

Some might consider them delusional but successful people see it as self-belief. They won’t accept that they cannot do something because intuitively they know, if they try hard enough, then anything is possible. If they decide what they want and strive for what they want, they just know that somehow they can get it. The price is determination and hard work but they’re willing to pay that price.

Successful people know that when faced with an elephant you cannot swallow it whole. However, it can be eaten one bite at a time.

If you’re building a wall then you don’t start with the entire wall. You start with a single brick and you get that right. Then once that’s securely in place you move on to the next brick and then the next and the next and so on. Pretty soon if you stick at it long enough you’ll have the whole wall.

Successful people know that they can’t get to where they want to go in one single leap. They know you get there gradually, one step at a time. And if you want to be successful, it starts with taking the first step.

Readers familiar with Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) will know that if you want to be successful you look for successful people, identify what they do and then copy that model. The idea is that if it worked for them then there’s a good chance it will work for you too. Most successful people will have had role models they’ve copied at various times.

So if you want to be successful look around for successful people and listen to what they have to say. Most people would accept that Will Smith is successful. In the video included here, he shares his thoughts on the secrets of success.

His observations are interesting and well worth a few minutes of your time. I can recommend them to you.

Further Reading:

An article of this type can only ever be a taster on the subject but there are plenty of good books which will enlighten you further on the subject of success secrets. For instance, one I suggest you explore is:-

The 21 Success Secrets of Self-Made Millionaires: How to Achieve Financial Independence Faster and Easier Than You Ever Thought Possible (The Laws of Success Series) by Brian Tracy

It all depends on how you define ‘success’ of course. However if for you success is all about achieving financial independence as fast and easy as possible then this book could be for you.

Remember it’s never easy. It requires hard work and determination. However whilst it’s not easy, it can be easier and this book will tell you how. You can explore it by clicking on the link.

So go on, CLICK NOW and check it out whilst it’s fresh in your mind.

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Why your personal philosophy for life really matters

philosophy-for-lifeAn article relating to philosophy sounds like it might prove to be a little heavy, doesn’t it dear reader? You might think I’ll be debating the merits of Plato, Socrates and other thought-leading philosophers. Not today, that’s for sure. My aim today is to consider the idea of your personal philosophy for life and why it matters.

Personal philosophy explained:

What do I mean by ‘your personal philosophy‘?

In this case, I’m not referring to the fundamental nature of knowledge, reality and existence, and philosophical thinkers, past and present.

By philosophy, I’m referring to your mindset, whether it’s positive or negative, and how you choose to see the world around you.

I believe personal philosophy really does matter.

I think how you choose to look at life and the world around you will influence your life experiences to a greater degree than you might expect. It’ll also influence how happy you’ll be.

A simple philosophy:

My own personal philosophy for life is simple.

Firstly I accept the world around me is the world around me. It is what it is. Stuff happens and I have little or no control over most of what happens. That’s just life.

Politicians will come and politicians will go. They’ll promise much but deliver very little, usually.

Philosophically I accept that which I cannot influence directly. I see little point in worrying about any of it. Why worry about stuff you can’t change?

In my experience, people will always look after their own interests first.

That’s fair enough if you think about it because why would they do otherwise? If people don’t look after their own interests then no one else will that’s for sure.

The underlying point here is that most of what’s happening around us is all just noise really. All we can do is work around it.

And basically, that’s what I try to do.

Work on improving what you have to offer:

I focus on my own interests and those of my family and I always do my best to protect what’s mine.

My family will always come first and I will do anything for them. Well, anything that’s legal, at least.

To do the best for my family I recognise that I have to be the best that I can be. To have skills and knowledge that will allow me to add as much value to my work as I possibly can.

So I take personal development seriously. That way the more value I can add the greater will be my income.

I’m a reader and a keen learner and I’m constantly working to add to my skill set and knowledge. Learning for me is a lifelong process, it never stops, and I will keep learning until I no longer have the energy to pick up a book.

Learning is an investment in yourself.

I believe that the better-informed you are then the better prepared you’ll be to excel in your chosen field of work. You’ll also be better prepared to seize any opportunities that come your way too.

Income comes from serving other people:

Let’s face it, dear reader, work is just doing stuff for other people in exchange for money. Through our work, we serve other people.

We work in order to generate income. And we generate income to put bread on the table and a roof over ourselves and the heads of our loved ones.

Whilst work gives us a sense of purpose and adds value to our lives, we should not live just to work. The idea should be to work to live. Well, I think so anyway.

philosophy-for-life-2Become financially independent:

We must work hard when we’re at work of course but we must enjoy life with the family as much as possible too. As they say, where I come from, we’ll be a long time dead.

My aim in life is to be financially independent with multiple income streams.

With multiple income streams, there’s a reduced risk of not having any income at all. Not having all your eggs in one basket makes a lot of sense to me.

Master the game of life:

Essentially I see life as a game. And my aim is to become a master of the game of life.

We must look after our own interests because no one else will.

We must be prepared to be ruthless when necessary. By that, I don’t mean being nasty or mean to people. However, if you don’t push hard sometimes, chances are you’ll lose out to those who are willing to make good use of their elbows.

My point is that we can’t afford to be overly sentimental and on occasions, in making the right decisions for us it may prove to be less favourable for someone else.

If that happens, that’s life I’m afraid. We must make decisions that are right for us.

Never lose sight of your own interests:

Sometimes you really have got to be prepared to use your elbows if you’re going to grab your fair share of life’s pie. Don’t be too willing to let other people go first. You might find there’s nothing left for you.

As always there’s a balance to be struck of course but never lose sight of your own interests and never do anything which works against your own interests.

There is no utopian place where all’s well and the sun shines every day. Life’s life. Some of it’s good and some of it’s not quite so good.

However in the end it’s what we make of it that counts. We get out what we put in. There’s no free ride for anyone. On Spaceship Earth we’re all crew.

Don’t let life steal your joy:

All you can do with life is deal with it as best you can.

Enjoy the summers but make sure you’re prepared for the winters too. There will always be winters. Winters always follow summers, so be prepared.

Enjoy the good times and when life gets difficult all you can do is take it on the chin and move on.

Worrying about anything you cannot control just steals your joy and spoils your day.

Life’s too short.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are and most of all enjoy every minute because the years all go by in the blink of an eye. So don’t die before you’ve lived.

And always make time for friends and loved ones. Without them, you have nothing at all.

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Thank you.

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25 silly jokes for kids and some adults too

25-silly-jokes-for-kidsLooking for some silly jokes for kids, dear reader?

Well, if you are a younger reader, I’m confident that you might enjoy a few of these silly jokes on offer today. You might enjoy telling them to your friends too.

Then again, perhaps you’re an adult looking for a few jokes you can share with your children? Some of these might just do the trick.

Whatever you age, I hope you enjoy them all.

And if you do enjoy them, please pass them on.

Silly jokes for kids:

    • What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?
    • A doctorpus
    • What goes cloppity-clip?
    • A horse walking backwards
    • What’s pointed in one direction and headed in the other?
    • A pin
    • What do you call a bike that keeps biting people?
    • A vicious cycle
    • What do you call a Yeti in a classic British red telephone box?
    • Stuck
    • What do you call a watch in the 25th Century?
    • Future-wrist-tic
    • What do you call a pig in a butcher’s shop?
    • A pork chop
    • What do you call a bee born in May?
    • A maybe
    • What do you call an overweight alien?
    • An extra-cholesterol
    • What do you call it when a chicken sees a salad?
    • Chicken Caesar salad
    • What’s an inkling?
    • A baby fountain pen
    • What’s green and fluffy?
    • A seasick poodle
    • What can you hold without ever touching it?
    • A conversation
    • What do you call a Scottish parrot?
    • A Macaw
    • What do you call an elephant that mutters?
    • A mumbo jumbo
    • What do you call a pickle that draws?
    • A dillustrator
    • What do you call someone who steals pigs?
    • A hamburglar
    • What do you call a tree that fits into your hand?
    • A palm
    • What do you call an old volcano?
    • A blast from the past
    • What’s the best way to stop your food from going off?
    • Eat it
    • What do you call a man who catches bluebottles with a fishing rod?
    • A fly fisherman
    • What lies in the forest, a hundred feet up in the air?
    • A dead centipede
    • What goes up but doesn’t come down?
    • Your age
    • How many sides does a barrel have?
    • Two. Inside and outside
    • How many people are buried in a cemetery?
    • All of them

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Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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3 hilariously funny jokes that will definitely tickle you silly

hilariously-funny-jokesToday I offer you three hilariously funny jokes that will definitely tickle you, dear reader. Well, they certainly tickled me anyway. So take a moment or two to enjoy them all.

Hilariously funny jokes:

1. Car trouble:

Jane was driving along Interstate 5 on her way to San Diego when her old car suddenly died on her. Naturally, she called out a local mechanic to help her.

The mechanic arrived and said, “Howdy mam, what seems to be the problem?

Well”, said Jane, “I was just driving along when suddenly I lost all power and the car came to a complete standstill.”

Well let me just take a look for you mam”, said the mechanic.

At which he lifts the hood and gives the engine a cursory glance before whacking something very hard with a hammer.

Try it now mam”, said the mechanic.

To Jane’s amazement, when she turned the key, the car burst into life again.

That’s incredible!” said Jane. “You’ve been here for less than 30 seconds and you’ve already got it going again. I’m very grateful. Thank you.

All part of the service mam!” the mechanic responded, before adding, “That’ll be $250.”

Jane couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. “How much?” she said. “How can it be $250 when all you did was hit something with a hammer?

Well mam”, said the mechanic, “I can produce an itemised bill if you like.

Yes please”, said Jane, “you do that! It’ll make interesting reading.”

So the mechanic started tapping something into an iPad and then he printed it out on a printer in his truck. He then handed Jane the bill. It read:

 

2. The new bus driver:

The new bus driver pulled his bus up at the bus stop and on stepped a giant of a man who said to the driver, “Big John don’t pay!” before walking off and taking his seat.

Well Big John was aptly named, he really was a monster of a man and the driver was small and skinny, so he figured that a confrontation with Big John may not end well. Not for him anyway. So he let it go.

The next day the same thing happened. The bus stopped, Big John got on, and once again he told the driver, “Big John don’t pay!” before going straight to his seat.

Again the new driver was reluctant to challenge him because of his size.

Well, this became a daily occurrence and increasingly the new bus driver began to resent being afraid of Big John.

So he decided to sign up for a bodybuilding class at his local gym. He figured that if he was more muscular he’d be equipped to challenge Big John and force him to pay the fare. This became an obsession with him and he worked hard on it.

Before long the bus driver had rippling muscles where once there had only been skin and bone. And as his physical appearance became more impressive, the driver felt confident and ready to confront Big John the next time he got on his bus.

Sure enough, at the usual stop, onto the bus stepped Big John, with his usual declaration, “Big John don’t pay!”

Now just hold it there fella!” said the driver, ready and waiting for a confrontation. “And just why don’t Big John pay?

Well, the situation was tense momentarily as Big John reached into his pocket and the driver began to wonder whether he’d done the right thing after all.

Then Big John smiled as he withdrew his hand from his pocket and said, “Because I’ve got this bus pass!

3. Native American Chief:

Bill was studying for a Masters Degree in American Studies at the University of London. He loved American culture, so naturally, he was a regular traveller to the USA. In particular, he liked getting to know real America beyond the obvious tourist destinations.

On one trip he was staying in a hotel in Cheyenne, Wyoming when he saw an old Native American chief in full native dress sitting in the lobby.

Wow, who’s that?” Bill asked the desk clerk.

Oh, that’s Chief Elephant’s Memory,” the clerk responded.

Why’s he called Chief Elephant’s Memory?” asked Bill.

Because he’s 93 and he still has the most amazing memory. He never forgets anything,” said the clerk. “You might not believe this but he can actually remember every single detail of his life with immediate recall.”

Really?” Bill said, intrigued by what he was being told.

So Bill walked up to the Chief and said, “Hi there, I hope you don’t mind but I’ve heard you have the most amazing memory. They say you can remember every detail of your life. Can you tell me what you had for breakfast on your eighteenth birthday?

Eggs”, replied the Chief quietly.

Bill was amazed at this response but as he walked away the desk clerk called him over and said, “Hey buddy when you speak to one of our Native Americans you don’t say ‘Hi there’, it’s common courtesy to address them by saying, ‘How!’.

Bill thanked the clerk for putting him right and promised he’d remember that next time.

One year later Bill’s back in Cheyenne again. He’s in the same hotel when he spots the same old Native American chief sitting in the lobby.

Remembering the desk clerk’s advice from his previous visit he walks up to the Chief and says, “How!

Sunny-side up”, the Chief responded.

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So did these hilariously funny jokes prove to be as hilariously funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read, please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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Change habits and you can change your life

Change HabitsYour life not quite going in the direction you’d like it to go?

Somehow you can’t quite achieve the results you’d like to achieve?

In the video included here, Bob Proctor explains that the reason you’re stuck and can’t get the results you want is likely to be because of a paradigm.

And what’s a paradigm?

Well, Bob goes on to explain what paradigms are and how are they formed.

He also explains how change can be achieved.

If change is something you’d like to achieve then this is a really interesting presentation; it is fairly short but definitely worth watching.

I recommend it to you, so take a few minutes and check it out now.

Change your habits:

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Short Story Jokes: Here are 5 to brighten your day

Short-Story-JokesShort story jokes are fun, would you agree? So today I offer you five short story jokes to brighten your day. I hope you enjoy them all.

Take a moment to have a laugh and then please pass them on.

Short Story Jokes:

1. Gimme a beer:

A man walks into a bar in Downtown Manhattan and says to the bartender, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!

The man then downs the beer in one before asking the bartender for another, once again saying, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!

Naturally, the bartender is a little wary of this guy but he pours him another beer nevertheless.

This goes on for a while, each time with the guy saying, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!

After the fifth beer, the bartender is really becoming bewildered by this guy’s approach, so he asks, “Hey buddy, when are you going to pay for all these beers?

To which the guy responds, “This is where the problems start!

2. Twin boys:

A young woman has twin boys but is forced sadly to give them up for adoption.

One boy is adopted by a family in Morocco and they name him Amal.

The other boy goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan.

Many years later the woman receives a letter from Juan which includes a recent photograph of him.

As she’s looking at the photograph the woman says tearfully to her husband, “Oh, how I wish I had a photograph of Amal too.

To which her husband responds, ”They’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

3. There’s always one:

A bus completely full of passengers crashes on an icy road and bursts into flames. Sadly everyone on the bus is killed instantly in the crash.

When they all arrive at the Pearly Gates the passengers are met by God, which is an unusual precedent but these were tragic circumstances. The situation is well above St Peter’s pay grade.

As the passengers form an orderly queue, God says, “Since you all died in such a tragic way, I’m here to grant each of you one wish before you enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The woman at the head of the line’s obviously concerned about her looks, and she says to God “I wish to be beautiful.

God smiles, grants the wish and instantly she is truly beautiful.

The next woman hesitates momentarily but then she decides to wish for the same thing.

Once again God smiles, grants the wish and instantly she is also truly very beautiful.

Whilst all this is going on, a guy at the back of the queue starts to laugh.

Two more women, on seeing how beautiful their two fellow passengers have become, also wish to become beautiful.

God smiles again, their wishes are granted and they too are now very beautiful.

By now the guy at the end of the line is laughing even louder.

Nevertheless, one after another, the deceased passengers all request the same wish.

However, with each wish granted the guy at the end of the line, seems to laugh even harder.

Finally, it’s this guy’s turn to request his wish when God asks, “My son, what’s your wish?

To which the guy responds, “Make them all ugly again!

Moral of the Story: There’s always someone determined to ruin it for everyone else.

4. The problem with getting old:

An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it had been on the previous day.

Naturally, the doctor inquired as to what happened.

Well doctor,” the old man explained, “it was like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, and still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, still nothing. We even called up Maggie, the lady next door. She tried with both hands, followed by her armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees. However still nothing.

Looking shocked the doctor said, “You asked a neighbour?

To which the old man replied, “Yes but none of us could get the lid off the jar.

5. Swapping places:

One day, Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

Now Einstein’s driver Tom looked remarkably like him, a fact of which Einstein was well aware.

In the car on the way to the conference Einstein said, “You know Tom, I’m sick of speaking at conferences. I just say the same things over and over!

Tom smiled and said, “You’re right. I’ve attended all of them with you and even though I’m not a scientist, I’m sure I could give the conference in your place.

Now that’s a great idea Tom!” said Einstein. “Let’s switch places.

So they immediately switch clothes, Einstein hands Tom his notes and when they arrive at the conference, Tom goes on stage and he starts giving the speech.

Meanwhile dressed in the driver’s uniform, Einstein sits at the side of the stage.

Unfortunately lurking in the audience is one scientist who is determined to impress everyone by asking a difficult question he hopes Einstein will not be able to answer.

When he gets his chance, this guy seizes the moment and interrupts the conference with his very difficult question.

It’s a real curveball and the audience knows it. The whole room is silent, holding their breath, waiting for Einstein’s response. You could hear a pin drop.

However, Tom has been around the block a few times and he wasn’t easily fazed.

He looked the guy dead in the eye, smiled at him and said, “Sir, to demonstrate how easy to answer your question is, I will let my driver reply to it for me.

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Share the fun and everyone wins.

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25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

best-one-liners-of-all-timeDo you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some of the contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25 which I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them and then please pass them on.

Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

  1. I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
  2. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  3. Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
  4. My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
  5. A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  6. For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
  7. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  8. Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
  9. How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
  10. The importance of teamwork is there’s always someone else to blame.
  11. We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  12. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  13. Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
  14. The other man’s grass may be greener but at least you don’t have to mow it.
  15. If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

  1. Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
  2. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
  3. An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
  4. It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, and what they really mean is you need to listen.
  5. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
  6. Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
  7. Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
  8. We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
  9. My boss asked whether it was me or him that was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows that he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
  10. Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

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66 silly jokes and some of the funniest one-liners

Funniest one-linersIf you’re looking for a laugh, here are a collection of silly jokes, corny puns, and some of the funniest one-liners you read today.

Yes, they’re all a bit corny but I’m confident many of them will tickle you too.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all and please pass them on.

Funniest one-liners (1-22):

  1. Add insult to injury, sign someone’s cast.
  2. You mustn’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  3. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
  4. If you need help building an ark, I Noah guy.
  5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  6. One exotic bird can’t make a pun but toucan.
  7. Just when you think you’ve got a good life, it’s broken.
  8. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
  9. I’m suffering from schizophrenia, but I’m good people.
  10. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s on my list.
  11. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  12. What do dogs do when watching a DVD? Press paws.
  13. I wanted to be a doctor but I didn’t have the patients.
  14. I went to a seafood disco and I ended up pulling a mussel.
  15. Two WiFi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
  16. How do scientists freshen their breath? With experi-mints!
  17. My wife’s bakery burned down last night. Her business is toast.
  18. What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner!
  19. I bought my gun from a guy called T-Rex. He was a small arms dealer.
  20. I got fired from my job as a set designer. So I left without making a scene.
  21. What’s the easiest way to burn 2,000 calories? You leave a tray of Brownies in the oven whilst you’re taking a nap.
  22. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.

Funniest one-liners (23-44):

  1. How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes.
  2. What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.
  3. How do you count cows? With a cow-culator.
  4. What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
  5. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
  6. What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.
  7. What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.
  8. I was going to tell a pizza joke but it’s too cheesy.
  9. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
  10. I’m on a whisky diet and I’ve lost three days already.
  11. How do you tell if a vampire’s sick? Check if he’s coffin.
  12. How many people are buried in the cemetery? All of them.
  13. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
  14. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
  15. The cannibal arrived late for the buffet, so he was given the cold shoulder.
  16. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
  17. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  18. Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
  19. Why did the girl give her pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.
  20. What makes long division such hard work? All those numerals you have to carry.
  21. I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone.
  22. Cinderella tried out for the basketball team at High School, but she kept running away from the ball.

66 funniest one-linersFunniest one-liners (45-66):

  1. What do you call a sad cow? A blue moo.
  2. What has a bottom at the top? Your legs.
  3. How can you see flying saucers? Trip up a waiter.
  4. What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.
  5. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
  6. What did the cake say to the fork? You want a piece of me?
  7. Who ruled France until he exploded? Napoleon Blownapart.
  8. Why did the bee start talking poetry? It was waxing lyrical.
  9. Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
  10. Who went into the tiger’s den and came out alive? The tiger.
  11. How does fast light travel? The same way that slow light travels.
  12. What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a camera? A snapshot.
  13. What’s the longest piece of furniture in the world? A multiplication table.
  14. What do you get if you cross a hula dancer with a boxer? A Hawaiian punch.
  15. What did the waiter say to the skunk? Sorry, I can’t take your odour.
  16. She was only a plumber’s daughter, but she sure gave my heart a wrench.
  17. What’s brown and hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on holiday.
  18. What do you get if you cross a compass with a shellfish? A guided mussel.
  19. Why did the robber jump in the bathtub? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
  20. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
  21. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback.
  22. Why is a room full of married people empty? Because there isn’t a single person in it.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these some of the funniest one-liners, in your opinion?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.