4 funny jokes that won’t offend but will amuse you

Today I offer you some very funny jokes that won’t offend anyone, but they’ll definitely amuse you and your friends, dear reader; of that I’m confident.

So take a moment to enjoy these three little gems. And of course, feel free to pass them on.

FUNNY JOKES that won't offend
Make Money

Funny jokes that won’t offend:

1. Father Murphy:

Father Murphy looked uneasy as he attempted to greet the wedding guests at the entrance to St Bernadette’s Church.

He doesn’t say much, and he looks uncomfortable, but the congregation knows him to be a bit shy.

As the bride arrives, Father Murphy makes his way to the altar, and as the couple approaches, he gives the best speech anyone has ever heard.

Not only is it an excellent speech, full of wisdom and insight, but he also appears confident, and he has everyone rolling on the floor laughing.

After the couple has made their vows and everyone is leaving, Father Murphy steps down from the altar, and once again, he becomes tongue-tied and shy and barely manages to say a word to anyone.

Feeling a little sorry for him, the groom says, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, Father, but why are you so shy now? You seemed like a different person when you were up there giving that speech earlier.

I know,” Father Murphy responded, “but that was just my altar ego.”

Phil Sutton

2. Running out of gas:

Gerry is driving down the freeway when he runs out of gas.

He’s sitting there in the driver’s seat, wondering what to do next, when a bee flies in through his window.

What seems to be your problem?” asks the bee.

I’ve run out of gas,” Gerry replies.

That’s unfortunate,” says the bee. “However, if you wait here, I can help you.

The bee then flies off, only to return minutes later with an entire swarm of bees. They all fly into his gas tank, leaving Gerry wondering exactly what’s going on.

After a few minutes, the swarm flies off, and the bee says to Gerry, “Try it now.

Gerry turns his ignition key, and his car fires into action immediately.

Wow!” Gerry exclaims. “What did you put in the gas tank?

The bee smiles and says, “BP, of course.

Go Explore London

3. Wisdom of the Ancients:

The Native Americans on a remote reservation in Wyoming asked their new chief, Akecheta, whether the winter ahead would be mild or cold.

Now Chief Akecheta was a modern man, educated at a university, but he hadn’t been taught the old ways and the wisdom of his ancestors.

He looked into the sky, but he was unable to read the signs as to whether the winter would be cold or not.

Naturally, he didn’t want to lose credibility with the tribe, so, to save face and be on the safe side, he just told them that the winter was going to be cold and that they should probably start gathering firewood to be prepared.

Now he may not have learned the ancient secrets, but Chief Akecheta was a wise and practical man. So, once he was on his own, he phoned the National Weather Service and asked them for their winter forecast.

Well, sir,” said the meteorologist, “our forecast suggests that it’s going to be quite cold.

Feeling more confident now, Chief Akecheta went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.

Does it still look like it is going to be very cold this winter?” he asked the meteorologist.

“Yes, sir,” said the meteorologist. “It could be even colder than we first thought.

So once again, Chief Akecheta went back to his people, and he ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, Chief Akecheta phoned the National Weather Service again.

Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” he asked the meteorologist.

Yes, sir,” said the meteorologist. “The signs are that it’s going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

How can you be so sure?” asked Chief Akecheta.

“Well, sir,” the meteorologist responded, “the Native American tribe up the road has been collecting a crazy amount of firewood recently.

Make Money

4. The lion enclosure:

It’s Jim’s first day on the job as a trainee zookeeper at London Zoo.

His boss wants to ease him into his duties gently, so Jim’s given the fish to look after.

Unfortunately, Jim gets all the fish food mixed up with the chemicals, and he manages to kill all the fish.

Worried that the mistake might cost him his job, Jim decides it might be easier to cover it up by gathering all the now-dead fish together and throwing them into the lion enclosure when no one’s looking.

After lunch, Jim’s boss asks him to feed the chimpanzees.

Unfortunately, once again by mistake, Jim gives them all the wrong food and manages to kill them off, too.

Again, he’s worried that he could lose the job he only started that very morning. So he decides on another cover-up. Once again, Jim dumps all the bodies into the lion enclosure whilst no one’s looking.

Well, two major mistakes in one day were a little embarrassing, so in the late afternoon, Jim decided to sneak off early before he could do anything else wrong.

Sadly, another disaster was waiting to happen.

When reversing his car, he managed to back it into the apiary, and in doing so, crushed all the bees.

Left with little option, Jim executed yet another cover-up. He scooped up the crushed bees and again through them all into the lion enclosure.

Jim then jumps into his car and heads for home.

The next day, the zoo has a new arrival. It’s a new lion transferred from Whipsnade Zoo.

What’s it like here then?” the new lion asks the others in the lion enclosure.

Not bad,” one replies, “there’s less space here than at Whipsnade, but the food’s good. Yesterday we had fish, chimps, and mushy bees.

Phil Sutton

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did these funny jokes that won’t offend anyone make you laugh? I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read today, then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. And it’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, then I’d be ever so grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

More fun you might enjoy:

15 Very Funny One-Liners by Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly is known to millions worldwide as an irreverent comedian with a laser-sharp wit and an exceptional storyteller.

Often known affectionately as The Big Yin, his contribution to popular entertainment, particularly in Britain, has been enormous over the past 40 years.

He started working as a welder in the Glasgow shipyards and moved on to a career as a folk singer, initially with Gerry Rafferty and then as a solo artist.

Through that, he gradually found his natural calling, which was to make us all laugh and cheer us up. And at this, he excels.

Through his work as a comedian, he’s broadened his popular appeal through acting and presenting. In recognition of his achievements and his charitable work, he is now formally Sir William Connolly, CBE.

Billy Connolly is an excellent example of someone who, by finding something he both enjoys and excels at, has been very successful.

So today, dear reader, I offer you 15 very funny one-liners by Billy Connolly just to remind you of how witty he is. Enjoy them all.

Make Money

Funny one-liners by Billy Connolly:

  1. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on. ~Billy Connolly
  2. Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~Billy Connolly
  3. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~Billy Connolly
  4. Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time? ~Billy Connolly
  5. I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. ~Billy Connolly
  6. I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra. I’m never likely to go there. ~Billy Connolly
  7. If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? ~Billy Connolly
  8. A lot of people say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer f***. ~Billy Connolly
  9. What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? ~Billy Connolly
  10. When people say, ‘It’s always the last place you look,”. Of course, it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? ~Billy Connolly
  11. When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it. ~Billy Connolly
  12. Why do people say, ‘Oh, you want to have your cake and eat it too?’ Dead right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it? ~Billy Connolly
  13. A bird in the hand invariably sh*** on your wrist. ~Billy Connolly
  14. When you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks, ‘Has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came, would I be standing here?  ~Billy Connolly
  15. My advice to you if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. ~Billy Connolly
Phil Sutton

Please share this post with your friends:

Did these funny one-liners from Billy Connolly make you smile?

I hope so. However, you will have plenty more laughs if you click the links below.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be forever grateful. You’d be helping a wannabe blogger reach a wider audience.

Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

Daily Habits of Successful People

If success is your aim, can you learn from the daily habits of successful people?

Certainly, I believe quite strongly that we are what we do daily.

Anything you achieve or don’t achieve is brought about by the habits you develop over time.

Everything you do is a result of your habits, good or bad. So surely it makes sense to develop and maintain good habits and make them your master?

The power of repetition:

Habits, good or bad, are formed through repetition.

Good habits can be hard to form, but they’re easy to live with. Whereas bad habits, whilst easy to form, tend to be very hard to live with. Our lives can become a battle of good habits versus bad habits. Don’t let the bad habits win.

Good habits can be learned, and bad habits can be replaced by good habits. Yes, it requires self-discipline on your part, dear reader, but it can be done, and people do.

Decide on the habits you want to develop and focus on achieving them one at a time.

Start with one good habit:

Start with one good habit you’d like to form and then force yourself to repeat the necessary actions daily.

After around three weeks, that habit will be formed, and it will just become part of your routine. You’ll start to repeat it with little or no thought. Essentially, you’ll do it on autopilot.

If you have a bad habit you wish to replace with a good habit, then each time you find yourself about to perform the actions of the bad habit, stop yourself and perform the actions of the good habit instead. Again, after around three weeks, the good habit will be programmed into your brain.

Make Money

Self-discipline is key:

Successful people are driven to develop good habits. Self-discipline is the key ingredient for good habits to form and for replacing bad habits.

Successful people also establish the habit of goal setting on a daily basis.

You cannot hit a target unless you can see that target. Setting a goal is the first step in achieving that goal. Successful people are results-oriented.

Successful people are also people-oriented.

The power of helping others:

You get what you want in life by helping other people get what they want.

Every product is a solution to a problem. Even if your goal is to sing or dance, to succeed you must always recognise that you perform to and for people.

They have a need to be entertained and your aim is to fulfil that need. To solve this particular problem for them if you like.

In dealing with people you must be honest and show integrity if you are to win the respect of others.

So honesty is a good habit to develop. Dishonesty and cheating will catch up with you and will be a permanent stain on your reputation. You don’t need that now, do you?

Look after your health:

And above all, you must look after your health. You have one body and one mind and they must last you a lifetime.

So develop the habit of taking good care of both.

To reinforce the message of the importance of repetition and routine I‘ve included this excellent video from Brian Tracy.

Brian is always a source of great advice for anyone seeking success and aiming to create a successful life for themselves and certainly, he’s one of my main sources of constant inspiration.

The video is short but well worth your time and I recommend you watch it now.

Habits of successful people:

Further Reading:

Regular readers will know that I am keen on building a personal reference library of books and audiobooks, which I use to inspire and motivate me and to help me achieve my goals. And I would encourage you to do the same, dear reader.

In the video, Brian Tracy refers to his book Million Dollar Habits: Proven Power Practices to Double and Triple Your Income. This is an excellent book and would be a good addition to your library. You can take a look at the print and Kindle editions if you click on the link in this paragraph.

However, I must be honest and tell you that, actually, I decided to purchase Million Dollar Habits: Proven Power Practices to Double and Triple Your Income (AudioBook). Personally, I find the audiobooks really useful because I can listen to them whilst I’m driving, which means I’m making better use of what would otherwise be dead time. If you’d like to take a look at the audio version of the book, then, once again, just click on the link in this paragraph.

If you’re looking for useful articles on this subject that are free to read, then you might want to take a look at The Habits of Highly Successful People, which has been published on the Porch website. This is an interesting article and is worth a few minutes of your time.

Phil Sutton

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find this article interesting and useful dear reader?

If so, then please share it on social media with your friends. When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you do I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

5 humorous story jokes to brighten your day

If you enjoy humorous story jokes, then these five might just raise a smile.

They all tickled me, and I hope you’ll enjoy them too, dear reader.

And please, feel free to pass them on to your friends

HUMOROUS STORY JOKES
Phil Sutton

Humorous story jokes:

1. The lawyer:

A wealthy New York lawyer is riding home in the back of a chauffeur-driven limousine after another lucrative day in the justice system.

As the limousine begins to gather pace along Central Park West, the lawyer notices two homeless men sitting on the ground in Central Park eating the grass.

The lawyer asks his driver to pull over, and he lowers the window and shouts to the men.

Hey, guys,” shouts the lawyer, “why are you eating the grass?

We have no money to buy food, and we’re hungry,” the first man responds.

You don’t have to eat in the middle of the park,” says the lawyer, benevolently. “You can come over to my place.”

But sir, we’re not alone,” said the second man. “Those two homeless guys over there are with us.”

That’s fine,” the lawyer responds. “Hop into my car, and you can all eat at my place.”

So the homeless men all climb into the limousine, and off they go to the lawyer’s house.

As the car picks up speed, the first homeless man says, “Sir, this is very kind of you.”

Don’t mention it,” says the lawyer. “You’ll love my place; the garden’s enormous, and the grass is a foot high.

Make Money

2. The police officer and the priest:

Police officer Danny Malone pulls over a Catholic priest for driving erratically and swerving all over the road.

Officer Malone gets out of his police car, and as he approaches the window of the priest’s car, he notices what looks like a bottle of wine in a brown bag on the passenger seat next to the priest.

Suspicious that he may have a DUI violation on his hands, Officer Malone says, “Father, I pulled you over for driving erratically and swerving back there. You haven’t been drinking, have you?

No, my son, I haven’t,” the priest responds. “Why would you ask me that?

“Well, you were swerving all over the road and struggling to control your vehicle,” says Officer Malone. “And now I can see you have a bottle on the seat next to you.

Oh my son,” the priest responds. “That’s just holy water.”

So why is it in a brown bag, Father?” Officer Malone inquires.

To protect it from the sun’s rays, my son,” the priest responds

Really?” says Officer Malone. “Would you mind if I take a sip then, Father?

Not at all, my son,” the priest responds. “Go ahead.”

Officer Malone takes the bottle from the priest and puts it to his lips. He takes a little sip and immediately spits it out on the ground.

Father, this is wine!” exclaims Officer Malone.

Praise the Lord!” the priest responds. “He’s done it again!

Phil Sutton

3. Think laterally:

Zak is an old farmer down on his luck.

He’s been struggling to maintain his farm on his own since his son, Jack, was sent to jail.

One day, Zak writes to Jack in jail to let him know he’s struggling, and he writes the following: –

Dear Jack, I just wanted to let you know that this year I won’t be able to plant potatoes in the field. I’m just getting too old now, and I can’t dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you’d help me.

Naturally, Jack doesn’t want his father to experience any more trouble, so he quickly writes a letter back to him.

Dear Dad, Please don’t even think about digging in that field because that’s where I buried the money I stole from the bank.

Well, when you’re in prison, the authorities read the content of your letters before they go out in the mail.

So, it’s not long before the police show up at the farm and turn over the entire field in search of the stolen money. However, they don’t find anything.

A couple of days later, Zak receives another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Now that the field’s been dug over, you should be able to go ahead and plant the potatoes. That’s the best I could do to help from here.

Go Explore London

4. The hangover:

Following a very heavy night out with his buddies, Jerry wakes up at home the following morning with the mother of all hangovers.

His head is banging, and as he forces his eyes to open, he sees a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table waiting for him.

He sits up in bed, and then he notices his clothing in front of him, all clean and freshly pressed.

Jerry looks around the room and sees that everything’s in perfect order and spotlessly clean.

He wanders downstairs with the glass of water and aspirin still in his hand, and he notices a note on the living room coffee table, which reads, “Honey, breakfast is on the stove; I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

Jerry walks into the kitchen, and sure enough, there’s a hot breakfast waiting for him, as well as the morning newspaper.

His son is sitting at the kitchen table, eating his breakfast.

Son, do you know what happened last night?” Jerry inquires.

“Yes, I do,” his son responds. “You came home after 3 a.m. You were drunk out of your mind, and you could barely stand.”

Really?” says Jerry.

Yes, really!” said his son. “You also broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

At this point, Jerry is feeling a bit confused.

He thinks momentarily and then asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

Oh, that?” says his son. “Well, when Mom dragged you to the bedroom and tried to undress you, you just kept shouting, ‘Lady, leave me alone, I’m married.'”

Saily eSIM

5. Judge not lest ye be judged:

A Wall Street investment banker walks into a Manhattan bar, and as he’s standing at the counter, he notices an elderly lady sitting quietly in the corner.

Except for this lady, the bar is full of men relaxing and enjoying a drink after a lucrative day’s trading on the financial markets.

Well, the banker’s feeling good, having just closed on a major, multi-million-dollar deal that included a sizeable commission for him.

So, he says to the bartender, “Buddy, I’m buying drinks for everyone, except that old woman over there.”

The bartender looks a little uncomfortable with this blatant sexism, but business is business, so he takes the banker’s money and proceeds to serve the drinks.

The banker looks across at the woman and raises his glass with a smirk on his face. However, she just smiles and says graciously, “Thank you, sir.”

This just irritates the banker, so he immediately orders another round of drinks for everyone, except the elderly lady.

Again, the bartender looks a little uncomfortable, but the drinks are served, and the banker’s money is gratefully taken.

Once again, the banker looks across at the woman and raises his glass with a smirk on his face. However, again, she just smiles and says graciously, “Thank you, sir.”

This just irritates the banker even more, so after a few minutes, he orders yet another round of drinks as well as food for everyone, except the elderly lady.

Again, the bartender looks uncomfortable, but the drinks and the food are served, and the banker’s money is taken.

Thinking now he must have made his point, the banker looks across at the woman again and raises his glass with a smirk on his face. However, again, she just smiles and says graciously, “Thank you, sir.”

What’s wrong with that old woman?” the banker asks the bartender. “I’ve just bought three rounds of drinks, as well as food for everyone, except for her, and instead of getting angry, she just smiles and thanks me. Is she stupid?

No, sir, she’s not stupid,” the bartender responds with a smile. “That’s Mrs O’Malley. She owns this bar.

Moral of the Story: If you must judge people, do so with great care.

Make Money

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these humorous story jokes, dear reader, then please share this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

More fun you might enjoy:

How to overcome laziness in 4 steps

HOW TO OVERCOME LAZINESS IN 4 STEPS

Laziness can get the best of us, can’t it?

We’d all love to be more productive, but often we lack the energy and drive.

Do you ever feel a little work-shy and sluggish, dear reader? If you do, you’re not alone.

The problem is that if we don’t deal with our laziness, we can never get anything done.

And if we don’t get anything done, work and chores all pile up, which increases our stress levels. Small jobs can become very big jobs if we get into the habit of leaving things for another day.

And that makes it even harder for us to get going and get things done.

We have to be on top of our work all the time, whether we’re in the office or at home.

And to do that, we have to be on top of our feelings of laziness and force ourselves to get going if necessary.

Do you need help to overcome your laziness? Don’t worry; help is at hand.

HOW TO OVERCOME LAZINESS
Make Money

How To Overcome Laziness In 4 Steps: The Video

In this short video, Emil Ihsan-Alexander Torabi offers some useful advice on how you can overcome your inclination to laziness, should it be a problem for you.

We can all be lazy at times, and I’m as guilty as the next person. However, the tips in this video have helped me, so I recommend them to you.

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time?

If so, please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

If you could do that for me now, I’d be forever grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Make Money

Articles you might find interesting:

Phil Sutton

25 silly jokes for kids and some adults too

Looking for some silly jokes for kids, dear reader?

Well, if you are a younger reader, I’m confident that you might enjoy a few of these silly jokes on offer today. You might enjoy telling them to your friends too.

Then again, perhaps you’re an adult looking for a few jokes to share with your children. Some of these might just do the trick.

Whatever your age, I hope you enjoy them all.

And if you do enjoy them, please pass them on.

silly jokes for kids
Make Money

Silly Jokes for Kids (1 – 10):

  • What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?
  • A doctorpus
  • What goes cloppity-clip?
  • A horse walking backwards
  • What’s pointed in one direction and headed in the other?
  • A pin
  • What do you call a bike that keeps biting people?
  • A vicious cycle
  • What do you call a Yeti in a classic British red telephone box?
  • Stuck
  • What do you call a watch in the 25th Century?
  • Future-wrist-tic
  • What do you call a pig in a butcher’s shop?
  • A pork chop
  • What do you call a bee born in May?
  • A maybe
  • What do you call an overweight alien?
  • An extra-cholesterol
  • What do you call it when a chicken sees a salad?
  • Chicken Caesar salad
Phil Sutton

Silly Jokes for Kids (11 – 20):

  • What’s an inkling?
  • A baby fountain pen
  • What’s green and fluffy?
  • A seasick poodle
  • What can you hold without ever touching it?
  • A conversation
  • What do you call a Scottish parrot?
  • A Macaw
  • What do you call an elephant that mutters?
  • A mumbo jumbo
  • What do you call a pickle that draws?
  • A dillustrator
  • What do you call someone who steals pigs?
  • A hamburglar
  • What do you call a tree that fits into your hand?
  • A palm
  • What do you call an old volcano?
  • A blast from the past
  • What’s the best way to stop your food from going off?
  • Eat it
Go Explore London

Silly Jokes for Kids (21 – 25):

  • What do you call a man who catches bluebottles with a fishing rod?
  • A fly fisherman
  • What lies in the forest, a hundred feet up in the air?
  • A dead centipede
  • What goes up but doesn’t come down?
  • Your age
  • How many sides does a barrel have?
  • Two. Inside and outside
  • How many people are buried in a cemetery?
  • All of them
Saily eSIM

Please share this post with your friends:

So did these silly jokes for kids prove to be as hilariously funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

More fun you might enjoy:

40 what do you call jokes that are corny but fun

Looking for some “what do you call jokes,” dear reader?

Those wordplay jokes that are always corny but still make you smile.

I love them, I must say. So, I’ve curated 40 of them just for you.

Why not grab a coffee and then take a few minutes to enjoy them all?

And please feel free to pass them on to your friends and loved ones.

WHAT DO YOU CALL JOKES
Make Money

What do you call jokes (1-10):

  • What do you call a dinosaur that’s sleeping?
  • A dino-snore!
  • What do you call a bear with no teeth?
  • A gummy bear!
  • What do you call a cow with no legs?
  • Ground beef!
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes?
  • Fsh!
  • What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
  • An abdominal snowman!
  • What do you call a pig that knows karate?
  • Pork chop!
  • What do you call a deer with no eyes?
  • No-eye deer!
  • What do you call a fake noodle?
  • An impasta!
  • What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
  • A baboom!
  • What do you call a guy who can’t flip pancakes?
  • A flippin’ failure!
Phil Sutton

What do you call jokes (11-20):

  • What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
  • A can’t opener!
  • What do you call a bear with no socks on?
  • Barefoot!
  • What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
  • A maybee!
  • What do you call a snake that tells jokes?
  • Hisssterical!
  • What do you call a computer that sings?
  • A Dell!
  • What do you call a cow that’s just given birth?
  • Decalfinated!
  • What do you call a pile of cats?
  • A meowtain!
  • What do you call a group of musical whales?
  • An orca-stra!
  • What do you call a dog magician?
  • A labracadabrador!
  • What do you call a snowman who’s been sunbathing?
  • A puddle!
Go Explore London

What do you call jokes (21-30):

  • What do you call a dinosaur with a knowledge of words?
  • Thesaurus Rex!
  • What do you call a bear with no ear?
  • B!
  • What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
  • A chicken sees-a-salad!
  • What do you call a cat that can play the guitar?
  • Kitty Perry!
  • What do you call a pencil that can tell wordplay jokes?
  • A pun-cil!
  • What do you call a bear that’s caught in the rain?
  • A drizzly bear!
  • What do you call a cat that likes to eat lemons?
  • A sourpuss!
  • What do you call a donkey with a PhD?
  • A smart ass!
  • What do you call a tree with a lot of money?
  • A cashew tree!
  • What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours?
  • Nacho cheese!
Saily eSIM

What do you call jokes (31-40):

  • What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs?
  • A condescending con descending!
  • What do you call a bear that loves to dance?
  • A groovy bear!
  • What do you call a cat that loves bowling?
  • An alley cat!
  • What do you call a happy cowboy?
  • A jolly rancher!
  • What do you call a pile of cats falling over?
  • A catastrophe!
  • What do you call a sheep that doesn’t have any money?
  • Poor ewe!
  • What do you call a cat that plays the piano?
  • A meow-sician!
  • What do you call a tree with a podcast?
  • An audio-branch!
  • What do you call a bird that’s afraid to fly?
  • Chicken!
  • What do you call a group of cows playing in a band?
  • A moo-sical ensemble!
Saily eSIM

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time? Did you find any of these what do you call jokes amusing? I hope so.

Perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then please click on the links below.

If you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

Make Money

More fun you might enjoy:

A joke that will make anyone laugh – Here are 4 contenders.

If you’re searching for a joke that will make anyone laugh, dear reader, then this is the right place. There are some great jokes here, but the question is, could one of these be a contender? You tell me!

JOKE THAT WILL MAKE ANYONE LAUGH
Make Money

The joke that will make anyone laugh?

1. The Billionaire and his young bride:

Jed was an octogenarian Texan billionaire who’d made his fortune in the oil industry.

Now, being a very wealthy man, he’d always attracted interest from women of every age.

One day, when he was judging a local beauty pageant, he met the very beautiful and youthful Lucinda.

Well, Jed and Lucinda hit it off immediately, and within weeks, they were married.

On his wedding night, Jed explained to Lucinda that his only wish when he died was for all his wealth to be buried with him.

Naturally, Lucinda agreed to his wish without question.

Sadly, after a couple of months of blissful married life with Lucinda, Jed passed away suddenly of a heart attack.

At the funeral, a tearful Lucinda walked up to the casket with an envelope in her hand. She then solemnly placed the envelope in the casket with her late husband.

As the priest looked on, he said to her, “What’s in the envelope, my child?

It was my husband’s final wish,” Lucinda responds. “He said he wanted to be buried with all his wealth.

Looking slightly confused, the priest said, “My dear, your husband was a billionaire, so how could all his wealth be in an envelope?”

Well,” Lucinda replied, “there was so much money in his bank account that I knew it wouldn’t all go in the casket. So, I transferred it all to my account, and I’ve written him a check.

Phil Sutton

2. Bill and the rabbit:

Bill was driving along the road one night when he suddenly saw a rabbit in his headlights.

He tried to swerve to miss this cute, long-eared mammal, but as luck would have it, the rabbit moved in the same direction, and Bill ran over it.

Being both sensitive and an animal lover, Bill was very upset by this accident, and he pulled over to see if there was anything he could do.

He picked the rabbit up, but to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Bill felt so distressed by this experience that he started weeping helplessly.

At this moment, a lady came by in her car, and she could see that Bill was upset.

She pulled over and got out of her car.

Hello, I’m Jane,” she said. “What’s troubling you?

Bill explained what had happened as he continued to sob uncontrollably.

Jane smiled and said, “Don’t worry. I’ve got something that will help.

She went back to her car and returned with a spray can.

She then sprayed the rabbit all over with the contents of the can, and within minutes, the rabbit woke up and jumped from Bill’s arms and hopped off into an adjacent field, waving to them as it went.

Bill was ever so grateful, and he couldn’t thank Jane enough.

Wow,” he said. “What was in that can?

Jane handed him the can, and on the label it said, HAIR SPRAY. RESTORES LIFE IN DEAD HAIR

Go Explore London

3. The smartest person in the room:

An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing about which one of them is the smartest.

That’s got to be me,” says the art teacher.

With that, he brings out an exact copy of the Mona Lisa he’d painted.

This took me a month to paint, and the detail is so exact that it proves I’m the smartest,” the art teacher continues.

Well, that’s nothing,” the math teacher responds.

She then brings out a large notebook in which she’d solved fifty third-order differential equations by hand.

These are incredibly complex equations, and most people would have to use a computer to solve them,” says the math teacher. “I solved them all by hand in a month, and this proves I’m the smartest.

Don’t make me laugh,” the science teacher responds.

She then brings out a robot she’s built.

This robot can clean the house, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and wash the car,” she says. “It took me just one month to build this bad boy, so please, a little respect here.

Listening to their conversation is the gym teacher, who begins to laugh uncontrollably.

You’re all idiots,” he says. “I think you’ll find I’m the smartest one here.”

Really?” says the science teacher. “And how did you reach that conclusion?”

Because I didn’t have to do any of that stuff, and yet I get paid the same as you,” the gym teacher responds with a smile.

Make Money

4. The sad passing of Forest Gump:

Sadly, Forest Gump passed away, and he’s standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Welcome to Heaven, Forest,” says St Peter. “I’ve heard a lot about you.

They exchange a few pleasantries, and then St Peter says, “Look, Forrest, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but there have been a lot of deaths this year, and Heaven is getting a bit crowded now. So we have a new system that requires me to give everyone an entrance examination before they can be admitted through the Pearly Gates.

Really?” says Forest. “I hope it’s not too hard. My momma used to say, ‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.’ So I thought I’d already had the test.”

Yes, Forest, I know,” says St Peter. “However, this test is just three questions. And the first question is, “Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?

Well, sir,” Forest responds, “that’s easy; it’s today and tomorrow.

Looking slightly surprised, St Peter says, “Well, that wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but you do have a fair point, so I’ll give you credit for that answer.”

Forest smiled and said, “So what’s the next one?

This one’s more of a challenge,” says St Peter. “How many seconds are there in a year?

That’s easy too,” says Forest. “There are twelve seconds in a year.”

Twelve?” exclaims St Peter, looking surprised and more than a little confused. “How did you work that out?

“Well, there’s January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, all the way through to December 2nd,” says Forest. “That’s twelve.”

Oh, I see what you mean,” says St Peter. “You do have a point, so I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.

So, what’s the third question?” asks Forest.

My third question,” St Peter responds. “What’s God’s first name?

What’s God’s first name?” Forest reacts as he thinks momentarily. “It’s Andy.

Andy?” exclaimed St Peter, in complete shock. “How did you work that out?

Well, sir, I learned it in church. It was mentioned in the hymns we used to sing,” says Forest. With that, he began to sing, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own loving son.

St Peter smiles benevolently, opens the gates to Heaven, and then shouts, “Run, Forest, Run!

Saily eSIM

Please share this post with your friends:

So were any of these the joke that will make anyone laugh, dear reader? I hope so, or if not, I hope they raised at least a smile or two from you.

If they did make you laugh, please consider sharing this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’d be forever grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

More fun you might enjoy:

How to develop effective time management skills

Time Management Skills:

Developing effective time management skills is an essential ingredient for success, and I’m sure you’ll agree. You can’t add real value without making the best use of your time.

However, making the best use of it is not always easy in practice, is it?

So, how good are you, dear reader, at managing your time?

Do you have a reputation for being ruthlessly efficient and productive, or are you someone who’s always struggling to keep up?

When someone asks you to do something in the office, do you accept their request without question and simply add the task to your ‘To Do’ list? If you do, you’re not alone. Many people will do that, in my experience.

Alternatively, perhaps you’re the type who thinks carefully relative to your priorities before you accept such a request. Now be honest. We’d all like to think we’re the latter, when in fact far too many people are the former I think.

Time Management Skills
Make Money

Productivity is what matters:

In the world of work, it’s easy to confuse being busy with being productive, but these two concepts are not the same thing at all, are they?

For instance, you can be busy doing things that don’t need doing at all. Whereas being genuinely productive means delivering real results from high-value tasks, which can only be done by someone with your skills.

And let’s face it, reputations are built by being productive, not merely by being busy. It’s the results you deliver, not the energy you expend, that matter most.

Time is your most precious resource:

How often do you hear someone say, “Oh, I would love to do that, if only I had the time.

And yet we all have the same amount of time, i.e. 168 hours per week.

Time is simply a resource like money, although it’s more important than money. I say that because you can get more money, but you can’t get more time. None of us can do that, can we?

So you must learn to use your time wisely. Time is your most precious resource, so you must develop effective time management skills.

High-value tasks must take precedence:

Modern pressures mean it’s easy for us to try to do too many things. We can all be a bit like that, including me, dear reader.

Our lives are cluttered with too many activities, too many objectives, too many distractions, and far too many demands on our time.

The result is that we tend to lose focus on what matters most and in the end we don’t do anything as well as we should have done.

In my experience, in most jobs, you’ll find that 90% of productivity is down to completing the top three or four major activities within that job. What I call high-value tasks.

If you take the top three major activities – the high-value tasks – associated with your job and focus on those to the exclusion of just about everything else you’ll almost certainly maximise your productivity and efficiency.

Most common time management mistake:

The problem is, when we’re working, we seem to find it easier to focus on minor tasks and random actions requested by other people.

We feel obliged to accept requests from others. It’s a common mistake of which we can all be guilty.

Now, while tidying up all those minor tasks might make us feel like we’re achieving some quick wins, we’re usually fooling ourselves.

By the end of the day, we’re usually left with a sense that we haven’t done all we should have done, and that leaves us feeling stressed.

And that’s when we start to think about how we might improve our time management.

Saily eSIM

We can’t do everything, nor should we try:

We must recognise that we can’t do everything, but we can be selective about what we choose to do.

And if we’re going to get those major tasks of higher value completed, then they must take precedence over those low-value, minor tasks, which can always wait if necessary.

High-value tasks should always take precedence over low-value tasks.

Work smarter:

People often think of time management as a skill that would allow them to work faster. Well, let me tell you this: that’s not the idea at all.

Effective time management skills allow us to work smarter rather than harder.

Instead of getting lost in the minutiae of everyday life, with effective time management skills, we focus on and prioritise those things that will add the most value to our productivity. In other words, we focus on high-value activity.

The law of three:

So. if time management is an issue for you, dear reader, start by taking a good, hard look at your list of daily activities and asking yourself these three questions:

  1. What single task can only I do and, when completed by me, will add the most value to the business?
  2. What’s the second task on my list that only I can do, and when I’ve completed it, will allow me to add the most value to the business?
  3. What is the third task on my list that only I can do and that, when completed by me, will add the most value to the business?

Once you’ve identified your list of three major, high-value tasks, that’s where your focus should be each day before you touch any other minor tasks or accept random requests from other people.

Phil Sutton

Most powerful time management tool:

The point of work is to deliver results. You’ll deliver the best results if you concentrate on your top three major tasks first.

And never forget that you’ll be judged by the results you deliver. No one cares what you have to do for someone else, they only care about the results they expect from you.

Your time is your time, and you must decide how it is to be used most effectively.

Just because someone asks for a piece of your time doesn’t mean you’re obliged to give it to them at the expense of your productivity. Never be afraid to deploy the most effective time management tool of them all.

And what is the most effective time-management tool? It’s the word NO.

Think of the word NO as a baseball bat.

Whenever someone requests that you do something, NO is how you can whack that request right out of the ballpark.

Be in control of your time, at all times:

You’re not obliged to agree to a request even if someone asks nicely. It’s reasonable to be working to your priorities.

All too often we feel obliged to do things for other people when we should have just said politely, “No, I’m sorry, but I can’t do that right now for you because I have to deliver this by 5 pm and it’s a priority.”

If our productivity matters to us, and it should, then our focus should always be on our major, high-value deliverables.

Unfortunately, we allow ourselves to be driven by the agendas of other people.

However that’s not good for our productivity, nor is it good for our well-being or stress levels.

People will take everything you’re prepared to give:

I can tell you from experience that other people will take everything you’re prepared to give and a bit more besides. That’s the nature of people.

However, if you fail to deliver what you’re being paid to deliver, then no list of incidental work completed for other people will be accepted as an adequate plea in your defence when your boss wants to know why you’ve failed to deliver your high-value results.

If you’re painting my house, I’ll measure you on the quality and timeliness of your work, not the amount of help you gave to my neighbour by, say, looking after her dog.

What you do for other people is irrelevant to me, should you fail to deliver what I’m paying you to deliver.

Focus on your priorities:

In reality, if your colleagues can’t get something done by you, they’ll simply ask someone else. So let them.

Why worry? Just be very polite when faced with a random request, but say NO firmly. I can tell you this: you’ll have to be disciplined, but it’s a habit worth developing.

We can all be guilty of expending far too much of our energy helping other people achieve their aims, to the detriment of our interests and our ability to deliver high-value results.

To achieve anything of significance in life, we must be focused on our major activities.

We must concentrate on completing our big three major high-value deliverables daily and focus relentlessly on working towards achieving our own goals generally.

The need for balance:

If you’re asked to do something, then it’s perfectly reasonable to say NO, if doing otherwise would prevent you from delivering the results you’re being paid to deliver on time.

Yes, of course, occasionally there will be tasks you’re obliged to accept for whatever reason.

However, mostly being firm in declining such a request is a sign that you’re assertive and in control of delivering as much value as possible.

Another polite but firm response to a request might be something like, “Sorry, I would love to help you with that, but I cannot right now because I have my hands full with the deadline for this project.

As with everything, there is a balance to be struck, of course.

Sometimes it’s in your interest to do someone a favour because one day you might need them to return that favour. That’s reasonable, provided you always retain a primary focus on keeping your main things the main things.

Conclusion:

You should always ensure that you’re making progress towards achieving your big three deliverables and your own goals generally.

It’s perfectly reasonable to have your agenda and a desire to achieve your own goals and add the greatest value only you can add.

If you want to make a difference, focus on your three major activities.

Those activities that only you can do.

And to ensure that you’re doing that, don’t be afraid to use the most effective time management tool of them all whenever necessary. Use the word NO politely but firmly.

Always keep the main things the main things.

Phil Sutton

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find this article interesting and useful?

If so, then please share it on social media with your friends.

When you share, everyone wins.

Go on, please share it now.

If you do, I will be forever grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you, dear reader.

Make Money

Articles you might find interesting:

7 seriously funny jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

7 seriously funny jokes

We all need a good laugh every day. So here are 7 seriously funny jokes guaranteed to make you laugh. You’ll enjoy them all, I’m sure.

Take a few moments, relax, and enjoy them all. Feel free to share them with your friends.

SERIOUSLY FUNNY JOKES
Make Money

Seriously funny jokes:

1. The storm:

Navy admiral Jim Lorenzo and Army general Mike Cunningham were fishing together on a lake when a storm blew up, and their boat capsized.

Both men were left floundering helplessly in the water momentarily.

Eventually, the general managed to right the boat and clamber onto it.

General Cunningham then extended an oar out to Admiral Lorenzo, getting him to hang on to it, pulling him in, and thereby saving him from almost certain drowning.

As the admiral was dragged into the boat, he puffed, “Please don’t say a word to anyone about this. If the Navy knew I couldn’t swim, I’d be disgraced.”

Don’t worry,” said General Cunningham, “your secret’s safe with me, buddy. I’d hate my men to find out that I couldn’t walk on water either.”

2. Chicken in the library:

A chicken walked into a public library, marched up to the desk, and said, “Book, book, book, book.”

So the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it, and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk, and said, “Book, book, book, book.”

Once again, the librarian handed the chicken another book, the chicken accepted it and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken was back again. Once again, it marched up to the librarian, threw the book on the desk, and then said, “Book, book, book, book.”

The librarian handed the chicken a third book, but this time she decided to follow the bird.

She watched the chicken hurry down the street and stop at a pond just off Main Street, where there was a frog sitting on a lily pad.

The chicken showed the book to the frog, but the frog just shook its head and said, “Read it, read it, read it, read it.”

3. Nine Steps to fitness for the over 60s:

  1. Stand on a firm surface, where there’s plenty of room on each side of you.
  2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there for as long as you can.
  3. Try to hold this position for a full minute, if possible, then relax.
  4. Each day, hold your arms in position for a few seconds longer each time.
  5. When you can achieve two full minutes, change to 10-lb potato bags.
  6. Repeat the process until you achieve two full minutes again.
  7. Then try 50-lb potato bags and repeat the process.
  8. Eventually, try to lift 100-lb potato bags and repeat the process until you can hold the position for two minutes.
  9. Once you’re confident holding 100-lb bags, try the exercise again with a potato in each bag.
Saily eSIM

4. Teaching psychology:

The teacher welcomed his new English Literature class at the beginning of the academic year and then said, “This year, we will be studying ‘The Canterbury Tales’ by Chaucer.

He allowed a few moments for the students to reflect on his comment.

Now, one thing I must tell you,” the teacher continued, “in anticipation of a question I’m always asked, we will not be including ‘The Nun’s Priest’s Tale.”

Why not?” asked a student at the front of the class.

Because,” the teacher responded in an obviously disapproving manner, “The Nun’s Priest’s Tale is lascivious, licentious, and utterly improper, especially for students of your age. So, please open your copies to the General Prologue, and we’ll begin with that.

At the next lesson, the teacher welcomed the class again and then said, “Right, students. Please open your copy of “The Canterbury Tales’ at ‘The Nun’s Priest’s Tale’. I am sure you will all have read this by now.

5. Seeking help:

In a little village in the far north of Scotland, an elderly widow was living on her own, struggling to get by with just a small State pension for income.

A very cold, hard winter had been forecast, and, naturally, the old lady was worried that she wouldn’t be able to pay her heating bill, with gas becoming so expensive.

She had no family left, she was completely alone and had no one else able to help her.

So, she turned to God for help.

She decided to write a letter to God, in which she said, “Dear God, You’ll know that I’m on my own now since my late husband Jack died, and you’ll also know that I have very little income. In your endless mercy, can you please send me £150 to pay my winter gas bill to help me survive by warming my little house during the bitterly cold winter nights ahead?

Not having an address, the old lady simply addressed the envelope “To God” and then dropped it into her local post box.

The following morning, the letter arrived in the local postal sorting office and, on seeing the address, the postal workers were unsure where to send it.

So, the supervisor opened the letter for more information, and on reading it, he felt genuine sympathy for this poor widow.

Being a decent man, he decided he would do something to help her.

So, he called all his colleagues together, explained this poor woman’s predicament, and requested they all dig deep into their pockets to raise money to help her.

This collection raised a total of £130, which was close enough, so the supervisor put the money into an envelope with a letter explaining that he hoped it would help her. The letter was signed “God” and addressed to the old lady.

A few days later, another letter addressed to God arrived at the postal sorting office.

The supervisor gathered his colleagues together before opening it, thinking the old lady would be conveying her gratitude.

It was not quite what they expected. It read, “Dear God, Thank you for the money. It was truly appreciated. However, you should be aware that those thieves in the postal sorting office had stolen £20 from the envelope.”

6. Priorities change:

Jack has been stranded on a small desert island for 10 years.

One day, he’s sitting on the beach, staring into the distance, when he spots something on the horizon.

He’s not quite sure what it is, because it’s not large and clearly not a boat or ship.

Nevertheless, he watches as it gets closer, until emerging from the surf is a beautiful blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She walks up onto the beach, as Jack watches in amazement.

He’s struggling to compute the evidence before his eyes as the woman says to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?

It’s been 10 years,” Jack responds.

With that, the woman unzips a waterproof pocket in her wetsuit and pulls out a fine Cuban cigar.

Jack puts it in his mouth, and she lights it for him. He takes a long drag, exhales, and then says, “Wow! That’s good!

She smiles and then asks, “How long has it been since you last had a glass of the finest Scotch?

Once again, Jack says, “It’s been 10 years.”

The woman unzips another waterproof pocket in her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask containing the finest 15-year-old Glenmorangie single malt whisky. She hands Jack the flask to take a swig.

Oh, my,” says Jack, as he enjoys a swig, “that’s really good.”

At this point, the woman starts unzipping the front of her wetsuit provocatively. As she’s doing so, she looks at him seductively and asks, “How long has it been since you’ve really had some fun?

Oh, my lord,” Jack responds, struggling to contain his excitement, “Don’t tell me you’ve brought a laptop with you as well?

7. Unhappy sergeant:

Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.

As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.

Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.

Soldier, this better be good,” responded his sergeant.

So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story, “Sir, you see, I had a date, and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus, but I missed it. So I hailed a cab, but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse, but it dropped dead on me. In the end, I had to run 10 miles, but I am here now.”

Sergeant Wilson was sceptical about the soldier’s explanation, but at least he’d made it back to camp. The sergeant thought about it momentarily and then decided he’d let the soldier off this time.

A couple of minutes later, eight more of Sergeant Wilson’s men ran up to the camp gates, panting heavily. The sergeant demanded explanations for why they were all late, and each of them told the same story.

Sorry, sir, you see I had a date, and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus, but I missed it. So I hailed a cab, but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse, but it dropped dead on me. In the end, I had to run 10 miles, but I am here now,” each soldier repeated in turn.

Sergeant Wilson eyed them all suspiciously, but since he’d decided to be lenient with the first soldier, he decided that it would only be fair to excuse them, too.

A few minutes later, the tenth and final soldier came running up to the camp gates, panting heavily.

And where have you been?” snapped Sergeant Wilson.

The soldier quickly responded, “Sorry, sir, you see I had a date, and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus, but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but….”

Sergeant Wilson interrupted him immediately, “Let me guess, soldier. It broke down?

No, sir,” said the soldier, “There were so many dead horses on the road it took forever for the cab driver to find a way around them all.”

Saily eSIM

If you enjoyed these jokes, then please share them:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time dear reader?

If any of these seriously funny jokes made you laugh, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Make Money

Articles you might enjoy: