21 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

21 witty one-linersNow, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today I offer you 21 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

Witty One-Liners:

  1. I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
  2. If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” ~Ian Smith
  3. Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
  4. As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
  5. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  6. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  7. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  8. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  9. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
  10. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, Ah well, you only live once. ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  11. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
  12. If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
  13. People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
  14. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be? ~Paul McCaffrey
  15. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
  17. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
  18. What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, Two or three. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed ~Josie Long
  19. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  20. Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
  21. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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21 Clever One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Smile

21 Clever One-LinersI love funny and clever one-liners and over time I collect them in a journal. And when I’ve got enough I like to share them with readers. Anything that makes readers smile always results in a great reaction.

So today I offer you my latest collection, which I think are all very clever one-liners.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to identify the original authors, so I must classify them all as Author Unknown.

However, I’d be happy to add acknowledgements to each individual quote where readers are able to enlighten me accordingly.

So if you know who wrote them originally then please do let me know.

I’m sharing these clever one-liners with you because I am confident they’ll make you smile dear reader.

Certainly, they all made me smile, so I do hope you enjoy them too.

Clever One-liners:

  1. Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
  2. Arguing with your wife is unwise. Even if you win you lose.
  3. I can keep secrets, of course. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
  4. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  5. When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
  6. Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
  7. My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
  8. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
  9. You can’t make me do what you want me to do, you’re not my cat.
  10. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  11. The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.
  12. If you take away looks, money, intelligence, charm and success, there’s no difference between me and George Clooney.
  13. I really hate it when people ask for likes on social media. Like if you agree!
  14. You know you’re fat when you step on a ‘speak your weight’ scale and it says “one at a time please”.
  15. When I was at school 52% of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other 38%.
  16. My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my television.
  17. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 siblings but they didn’t know either.
  18. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
  19. I got called pretty yesterday and it felt really good. Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying” but I like to focus on the positive.
  20. You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t return then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
  21. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

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So did these clever one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

15 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

15 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smileHere is another batch of funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Once again I’ve been searching for the best smiles I can find just to brighten your day dear reader. I’ve done the hard work, so you don’t have to.

So sit back, relax and I hope you enjoy these funny one-liners just as much as I did.

And don’t forget your friends.

If you enjoyed these smiles then your friends probably will too.

So pass them on, but not before you’ve enjoyed them yourself.

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile:

  1. Never tell your secrets in a cornfield. There are too many ears
  2. Never give up on your dreams. Stay in bed and sleep on.
  3. I used to work as an origami teacher but I hated it. There was too much paperwork.
  4. They’ve just opened a new restaurant Downtown. It’s called Karma and they don’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
  5. Our local farmer has started feeding his cows with birdseed. That would explain why the milk is going cheep.
  6. There’s a store on Main Street where you can get dead batteries free of charge.
  7. Why is everything delivered by ship called a cargo and yet if it’s delivered by a van it’s called a shipment?
  8. Change your password to incorrect and then if you can’t quite remember it, your computer will say your password is incorrect.
  9. My sister bet me a $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car using spaghetti. Her face was a picture when I drove pasta.
  10. A man delivers a load of bubble wrap. “Where do you want this he asks?” “Oh, just pop it in the corner” was the reply.
  11. A police recruit was asked during his exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
  12. I was amused to read the epitaph on the late dentist’s gravestone. It read “He’s now filling his last cavity.”
  13. Why do bees hum? Because they can never remember the words.
  14. Why are ghosts always bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
  15. What would you call someone with just a nose and no body? Nobody knows.

15 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smilePlease share this post:

So did these funny one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

21 funny computer nerd jokes that will tickle you

Computer nerd jokesDo you love computer nerd jokes? Certainly, they always make me smile.

So I’ve been searching for some of the best computer nerd jokes I can find and today I offer you 21 of what I think are the best.

It’s virtually impossible to confirm their origins or their authors, but should anyone be able to advise then please do let me know.

In the meantime, take a few minutes to enjoy these 21 computer nerd jokes that will tickle you and any kids you may have too.

Computer nerd jokes:

  • What do you call 8 hobbits?
  • A hobbyte
  • What’s a computer virus?
  • A terminal illness
  • Which tea do web developers prefer?
  • URL Grey
  • How does a tree use a computer?
  • It logs on
  • What did the computer do at lunchtime?
  • Had a byte to eat
  • Why did the computer keep sneezing?
  • It had a virus
  • Why was the computer cold?
  • It left its Windows open
  • Why did the developer go broke?
  • Because he used up all his cache
  • Which computer sings the best?
  • A Dell
  • funny computer nerd jokesWhy did the computer show up late for work?
  • It had a hard drive
  • What’s the first symptom a computer’s getting old?
  • Memory problems
  • What did the spider do when he went on his computer?
  • Built a website
  • Which snack do computer geeks prefer?
  • Microchips
  • Why don’t elephants use computers?
  • Because they’re afraid of the mouse
  • Why did the monkeys share an Amazon account?
  • They were Prime mates
  • Don’t use “beef stew” as your computer password
  • It’s not stroganoff
  • What do you get if you cross a worm with a spider?
  • A web crawler
  • What do you get if you cross a PC with an elephant?
  • A computer with a really big memory
  • What do you get if you cross a computer with a lifeguard?
  • A screensaver
  • I heard about a new website: www.needleinahaystack.com
  • Took me ages to find it
  • Why didn’t The Terminator upgrade to WINDOWS 10?
  • I asked him and his reply was, “I still love VISTA baby!”

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3 funny jokes that won’t offend but will amuse you

3 funny jokes that won't offend but will amuse youToday I offer you some very funny jokes that won’t offend anyone but they’ll definitely amuse you and your friends dear reader, of that I’m confident.

So take a moment to enjoy these three little gems. And of course, share them with your friends.

1. Father Murphy:

Father Murphy looked uneasy as he attempted to greet the wedding guests at the entrance to St Bernadette’s Church.

He doesn’t say much and he looks uncomfortable but the congregation know him to be a bit shy.

As the bride arrives, Father Murphy makes his way to the altar and, as the couple approach, he gives the best speech anyone has ever heard.

Not only is it an excellent speech, full of wisdom and insight but he appears to be confident and he has everyone rolling on the floor laughing.

After the couple have made their vows and everyone is leaving, Father Murphy steps down from the altar and once again he becomes tongue-tied and shy and barely manages to say a word to anyone.

Feeling a little sorry for him, the groom says, “I hope you don’t mind me asking Father, but why are you so shy now? You seemed like a different person when you were up there giving that speech earlier.

I know“, Father Murphy responded, “but that was just my altar ego.”

2. Running out of gas:

Gerry is driving down the freeway when he runs out of gas.

He’s sitting there in the driver’s seat wondering what to do next when a bee flies in through his window.

What seems to be your problem?” asks the bee.

I’ve run out of gas“, Gerry replies.

That’s unfortunate”, says the bee. “However if you wait here I can help you.

The bee then flies off, only to return minutes later with an entire swarm of bees. They all fly into his gas tank, leaving Gerry wondering exactly what’s going on.

After a few minutes, the swarm flies off and the bee says to Gerry, “Try it now.

Gerry turns his ignition key and his car fires into action immediately.

Wow!” Gerry exclaims. “What did you put in the gas tank?

The bee smiles and says, “BP, of course.

3 funny jokes that won't offend but will amuse you3. The lion enclosure:

It’s Jim’s first day on the job as a trainee zookeeper at London Zoo.

His boss wants to ease him into his duties gently so Jim’s given the fish to look after.

Unfortunately, Jim gets all the fish food mixed up with the chemicals and he manages to kill all the fish.

Worried that the mistake might cost him his job, Jim decides it might be easier to cover it up by gathering all the now-dead-fish together and throwing them into the lion enclosure when no-one’s looking.

After lunch Jim’s boss asks him to feed the chimpanzees.

Unfortunately once again by mistake Jim gives them all the wrong food and manages to kill them off too.

Again he’s worried that he could lose the job he only started that very morning. So he decides on another cover-up. Once again Jim dumps all the bodies into the lion enclosure whilst no-one’s looking.

Well, two major mistakes in one day was a little embarrassing, so in the late afternoon, Jim decides to sneak off early before he could do anything else wrong.

Sadly another disaster was waiting to happen.

When reversing his car he managed to back it into the apiary and in doing so crushed all the bees.

Left with little option Jim executed yet another cover-up. He scooped up the crushed bees and again through them all into the lion enclosure.

Jim then jumps into his car and heads for home.

The next day, the zoo has a new arrival. It’s a new lion transferred from Whipsnade Zoo.

What’s it like here then?” the new lion asks the others in the lion enclosure.

Not bad“, one replies, “there’s less space here than at Whipsnade but the food’s good. Yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.

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So dear reader, did these funny jokes that won’t offend anyone make you laugh? I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read today then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. And it’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, then I’d be ever so grateful. and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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3 funny can’t stop laughing jokes you’ll love

3 funny can't-stop-laughing jokes you'll loveHere are 3 funny can’t stop laughing jokes you’ll love. If you’re in need of a laugh then I suggest you take a couple of minutes and check these out now:-

1. Young Johnny:

Young Johnny wanted desperately to get a set of drums for his birthday.

His parents weren’t keen on the idea but his grandparents being grandparents couldn’t resist bringing a smile to his face and they bought him the drums.

Gee thanks, this is the best present I’ve ever had”, said Johnny excitedly, when his grandparents gave their gift.

A week later his grandad came to visit and he was asking Johnny how he was getting on with playing the drums.

They’ve already earned me over a $100”, said Johnny

Wow”, said grandad, “you must be getting really good at playing them.”

Not really”, said Johnny, “but mum gives me $10 each day for not playing them during the day and dad gives me $10 a day for not playing them in the evening.”

2. The Violin Recital:

Bill had been invited round to his neighbour’s house to listen to a violin recital being given by the neighbour’s son.

They listened intently for 30 minutes and at the end of the recital the neighbour looked at Bill and said, “What do you think?

Well, if I’m honest”, said Bill, “he reminds me of Jamie Callum.”

Really?” said the neighbour, “I didn’t even know Jamie Callum could play the violin.”

He can’t”, said Bill, “and neither can your son.”

3 funny can't-stop-laughing jokes you'll love3. A healthy diet:

Jim and Mildred, both in their 90s, were killed suddenly when the bus they were on crashed in bad weather.

This was sad because they’d been in excellent health due to a strict regime of eating only healthy foods, abstaining from drinking alcohol, plenty of exercise and watching their weight.

When St Peter welcomed them, he showed them around the first-class facilities now available to them in Heaven.

Jim was really impressed with the beautiful scenery, the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.

This place is really amazing”, said Jim.

That’s not all,” said St Peter, “let me show you around our five-star restaurant.”

He then led them into the most amazing restaurant with a sumptuous buffet serving every type of delicious food you could imagine.

Where’s the low fat table?” asked Jim.

Oh you don’t need to worry about that anymore”, said St Peter. “You can eat anything you like here. You’re in Heaven now! You can eat as much as you like too. Drink wine; drink beer as well. None of it will affect you.

Jim suddenly became quite irritated and he threw his hat to the ground.

What’s the problem?” asked St Peter.

Mildred”, Jim snapped, “if you hadn’t insisted on that ghastly diet of All-Bran, Tofu, lentils and oatmeal, we could have been here 10 years ago!

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If you enjoyed these funny, can’t-stop-laughing jokes dear reader then please share this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

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5 short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

short story jokes guaranteed to make you laughHere are five short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh. They made me howl with laughter, so I hope they’ll brighten your day too. Enjoy them all.

1. The Deaf Debt Collector:

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses subject to their protection racket.

As they were feeling the heat from the Police, they decided to use someone deaf for the job. If someone deaf gets caught, they figured that he wouldn’t be able to communicate easily with the Police.

In his first week on the job the deaf debt collector picks up over $50,000. That’s a lot of money he thinks and the deaf debt collector’s greed gets the better of him. He decides to keep the money and he stashes it in a safe place.

However, it’s not long before the Mafia realises that the collection is late and they send out a couple of heavies to look for the deaf debt collector.

They soon find him and they ask the deaf debt collector what he’s done with the money. The problem is that deaf debt collector can’t communicate with them either, so the Mafia heavies drag him off to an interpreter.

They get to a sign language interpreter and the leading Mafioso then says, “I want ya to ask him where da money is.

So the interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?

The deaf debt collector tries to bluff his way out of his dilemma by saying, “I don’t know what they’re talking about.

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He’s saying he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

The Mafioso reaches into his coat and pulls out a .44 Remington Magnum handgun which he points at the forehead of the deaf debt collector and then with real menace in his voice he says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is, and tell him I won’t be askin’ again.

So the interpreter immediately signs, “Where’s the money? He says he won’t ask again and I think he’s serious.

At this point, the deaf debt collector’s nerve goes and he signs, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left by the gate near 72nd Street on Central Park West, and close to Strawberry Fields.

Getting impatient, the Mafioso looks at the interpreter and asks, “What did he say?

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, he thinks you’re an idiot, and he doesn’t think you’ve got the balls to pull the trigger!

2. The Balloonist and the Programmer:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and he soon realizes that he’s completely lost.

So he starts reducing height and then he suddenly spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon a little further and then shouts: “Excuse me sir I was wondering, can you tell me where I am? I seem to be lost.

Taken by surprise, the man looks up and replies “Yeah, that’s easy. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering about 25 feet above this field.

You must work in IT. I’m guessing you work as a programmer?” says the balloonist.

I do and yes, I am,” replies the man, looking a little surprised, “How did you guess?

Well” says the balloonist, “everything you’ve told me is technically correct but it’s of no actual use to anyone.

The programmer smiles and then says, “Ah, you must be the CEO in a business.

Yes, I am” replies the balloonist, “but how could you know that?

That’s easy,” says the programmer. “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met but now it’s my fault.

short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh3. The Tiger, the Man and God:

A man is being chased by a tiger.

He’s running as hard as he can and eventually he gets to the edge of a cliff with the tiger still in hot pursuit.

The man looks over the edge of the cliff and sees a branch growing out of the side of the cliff just a few feet down.

Having little option, the man jumps down and grabs the branch just before the tiger arrives at the cliff edge.

The tiger is growling viciously and pacing backwards and forwards along the cliff edge. The man sighs with relief, as he thinks he’s outsmarted the tiger.

At that moment a little mouse appears from a crevice in the rock and it begins to chew on the branch.

The man looks down to what is a drop of hundreds of feet. If he falls it will surely result in his death. So he looks to the heavens and yelled out, “Dear God, if you are there, please help. I will do anything you ask but please help.

You say you will do anything I ask?” Without it being questioned?” a voice booms from heaven above.

The man is surprised to get an immediate reply to his plea but he yells back, “I will gladly do anything you ask, but please save me.

There’s one way to save you but it will take courage and faith,” says the voice from above.

The man can feel the branch begin to weaken as the mouse continues to gnaw at it and he can see the tiger still pacing around growling at the cliff’s edge a few feet above him.

Please, Lord, tell me what I must do and I will do it. Your will is my command,” shouts the man in despair.

All right then, let go of the branch,” the voice from heaven responds.

The man looks down to a fall of hundreds of feet and certain death. He looks up at the hungry tiger a few feet above him and then he looks at the mouse still chewing on the branch.

He then looks up at the heavens again and yells, “Is there no else up there I can speak to?

4. The Genie:

A customer service agent, an administration clerk and their manager are all walking to lunch when they stumble upon an old, antique oil lamp.

Knowing that old oil lamps can often house a genie they enthusiastically rub it in hopeful anticipation.

Sure enough, out pops a genie.

I am the genie of the lamp and you can each have one wish,” says the genie.

Me first! Me first!” says the customer service agent. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke and the customer service agent’s gone.

Me next! Me next!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke and the administration clerk’s gone

The genie then looks at the manager and says, “OK Boss, I guess it’s your turn now.

I want those two back in the office in exactly 45 minutes,” the manager responds.

Moral of the story: It’s always a good idea to let your boss go first.

short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh5. The Mexican Maid:

A Mexican maid asks for a pay rise from the lady of the house.

The wife is not happy about this, so she decides to talk to the maid about her request for more money.

Now Maria, why do you want more money?” she asks.

Well Señora, there’s three reasons why I wanna increase,” replies the maid. “The first eez that I iron better than you.

Maria, who said you iron better than me?” responds the wife.

Jor huzban he say so Señora,” Maria replies.

Oh he did, did he?” says the wife. “And what is your second reason?

The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you,” Maria responds.

That’s nonsense. Who said you’re a better cook than me?” asks the wife.

Jor hozban deed Señora,” Maria replies.

Oh he did, did he?”  the wife responds, getting increasingly agitated.

The third reason eez that I ama better than you in da bed,” says Maria.

The lady of the house is now angry and through gritted teeth, she asks, “And did my husband say that too?

No Señora, the gardener deed,” Maria replies.

OK, how much is it you want?” asks her employer.

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If you enjoyed these short story jokes dear reader then please share this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

33 terrible puns, so bad they’ll make you smile

Terrible PunsPuns can be really corny and terrible puns are the corniest of the lot. Nevertheless, lots of people like them and I always get a good response when I put a collection of them together.

So today I offer you another 33 puns, corny to the point of being terrible, but they just might make you smile too. I hope so.

Enjoy them all and please pass them on to your friends.

Terrible puns (1-11):

  1. Squid puns are inkredible.
  2. With fish puns, any fin goes.
  3. We’re big fans of renewable energy.
  4. Skeleton puns are close to the bone.
  5. With Halloween puns, anything ghost.
  6. Do I like tea? I’m willing to give it a chai.
  7. With music puns, I’ve had too much too tune.
  8. Haunted French pancakes will give you the crepes.
  9. Two blood cells fell in love but alas it was all in vein.
  10. Do busy elephants keep a list of tusks to be completed?
  11. With mountaineering puns, actions peak louder than words.

Terrible puns (12-22):

  1. Why don’t frogs wear shoes? They prefer open-toad sandals.
  2. If a plant is sad, do the other plants photosympathize with it?
  3. What did the biologist wear on his first date? Designer Genes.
  4. I went terrapin bowling the other night. It was turtley amazing.
  5. My orange was a funny color. Definitely, a whiter shade of peel.
  6. In the debate about Mexican food, I played the Devil’s avocado.
  7. If I had a ruminant of pride, would I be writing terrible camel puns?
  8. The omelette wasn’t very good, but I’ve put it down to eggsperience.
  9. Sales promotion on French breadsticks. Buy one, baguette one free!
  10. I’ve been to Joshua Tree National Park but it’s not all it’s cactus to be.
  11. There was a wild bamboo party at the zoo. It was utter panda-monium.

Terrible puns (13-33):

  1. I looked at the Indian buffet and thought, “No, I don’t want naan of that.”
  2. My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes. It Taurus apart.
  3. Omelettin’ you have it. Yolks about accidents in egg factories aren’t funny.
  4. The baker smiled and said, “I don’t knead money, I’ve got plenty of dough.”
  5. I’d love to explore the Arctic and boldly go where snowmen have gone before.
  6. What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another? “Sorry, my fault!”
  7. The baker brought out a tray of American-style, glazed, sweet treats. I said, “Donut tempt me.”
  8. A chicken walked into a bar swearing, loudly. “No fowl language, please,” said the bartender.
  9. They served leaf cabbage for lunch in the police canteen but I thought, “That’s beyond the kale of duty!”
  10. Cows were complaining about living conditions on the farm and the leader said, “We’ve herd the problems but hoof you spoken to so far?”
  11. Two Martians land in a field and the first thing they see is a cute little doe eating grass. “I’ve never seen herbivore,” one said to the other.

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So did these terrible puns prove to be as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

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Why an investment in knowledge pays dividends

KnowledgeAn investment in knowledge pays the best interest. ~Benjamin Franklin

You don’t get paid for the hour; you get paid for the value you put into the hour. It’s important everyone understands that important distinction dear reader.

You get paid for the value you add.

The more value you can add the more you will get paid.

It’s really that simple.

If you can solve problems for people with the skills you’ve got, then you can earn an excellent living.

The question is what underpins your skills and your ability to add value? The answer to that question would be knowledge, of course.

Knowledge comes from learning and learning is a lifelong process.

The quote at the top of this post from the venerable Benjamin Franklin reminds us of the importance of learning. Learning is an investment in ourselves.

We all have enormous capacity to consume and retain knowledge in our heads and that knowledge is then a currency with which we can trade. The more knowledge we have the more value we can add.

When it comes to investing, nothing will pay you a better dividend than making sure you have a good education. And I stress, it’s a lifelong process. It doesn’t end when you leave school or college.

And it’s not about whether or not you went to college or university. Important as they may be, learning can be achieved in many ways.

Knowledge can be gained through reading books; listening to audio and video tutorials, and challenging yourself to master anything that appeals to you. Learning from hands-on experience, making mistakes and learning the lessons you can take from any mistakes you’ve made.

In particular, if you want to master the game of money and all matters financial then you need to become a seeker of financial knowledge and know-how.

You need to become a reader and a keen student of finance. To be successful in investing, of course, you really need to know what you’re doing. You need financial education.

Ignorance can prove to be very costly indeed. And that’s true in every aspect of your life.

Getting an education may seem expensive but it’s nowhere near as expensive as ignorance.

So, if you’re not already, become a reader.

The investment in yourself is well worth the effort and it’ll pay you a handsome dividend.

As the late, great Jim Rohn once said, “Work harder on yourself than you do on your job.”

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Did you find this article interesting and useful, dear reader?

If you did, then please share it on social media with your friends. When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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3 funny jokes to cheer up a friend and make you smile

funny jokes to cheer up a friendIf you’re looking for some funny jokes to cheer up a friend, then how about these three I have on offer today.

I’ve told them to a few people recently and the responses have all been positive.

By positive I mean, laughter has followed.

So enjoy them all and share them with your friends.

Funny jokes to cheer up a friend:

1. The new store on Main Street:

Jerry and Mike were two young businessmen who were setting up a new store on Main Street.

The store wasn’t quite ready for opening yet, but at least all the shelves were now set up and located in their right places.

They’d had a very busy morning setting up those shelves, so they were now taking a well-earned break.

As they surveyed the results of all their hard work, Jerry said, “I’ll bet you any minute now someone will walk by, put their face to the window, and then ask what we’re selling.

Mike smiled, but before he could respond, there was a little old lady peering through the glass. In a soft voice, she said, “What are you selling here?”

Well, Jerry couldn’t resist a sarcastic response.

“We’re selling assholes,” he said.

Right back at him, the little old lady responded, “You’re doing really well then. You’ve only got two left!

2. The geek and the frog:

A geek is having his lunch on campus. It’s a beautiful spring day, so the geek is sitting on the grass outside the college building, brown bag in hand.

There’s a fountain close by and as he’s enjoying a sandwich, suddenly a frog hops from the water and straight over to speak to the geek.

Hello,” says the frog. “Thank goodness you’re here. I’m a beautiful princess, but I’ve been cursed by the wicked witch. A kiss from you will break the spell. If you could do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful.

The geek stares at the frog momentarily, then picks it up without saying a word and puts it in his pocket. Having finished his lunch, he then gets up and heads back towards the college building.

The frog can’t believe what’s happening.

Hey, did you hear me?” the frog asks. “Kiss me, and you’ll have your own beautiful princess.

The geek pats the frog on the head and begins to whistle.

The Frog is starting to get a little concerned.

Please, help me,” says the frog. “I really don’t want to remain a frog. I want to be the princess I once was. If you kiss me, I’ll marry you. Then you’ll be royalty and you will lead a charmed life for as long as you live.”

Look, froggy,” says the geek. “I’m a computer software geek. I wouldn’t know what to do with a girlfriend. However, a talking frog? Now, that’s really cool.

3. The flying experience:

Boarding was now complete on Flight 205 and all the passengers were seated and awaiting the pilot and co-pilot.

The pilot and co-pilot arrive, and as they climb up the steps to the plane, passengers notice they’re both wearing dark glasses and they both have long white sticks. They both actually appear to be blind, as they’re using the sticks to feel their way up the steps.

Well, naturally, the passengers start to freak out as they watch them struggle to feel the way into the cockpit, with the help of the cabin crew.

The cabin crew then prepare for departure, as if everything is normal, carrying out their final checks and so on.

Quickly, as it now all appears normal, the passengers start to calm down. They assume the pilot and co-pilot must have been having a joke at their expense.

Eventually the plane moves off the stand and within minutes it is cleared for takeoff.

The plane is now racing down the runway.

At the end of the airport runway, there is a very steep cliff, falling away into the open sea.

As the plane speeds down the runway, there’s no sign of lift-off and the cliff edge is getting closer and closer by the second.

The passengers start screaming in panic but then suddenly the plane is airborne and, once again, calm returns.

In the cockpit at this moment, the pilot says to the co-pilot, “You know, one of these days, the passengers won’t scream early enough and we’re all going to die.”

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Did you enjoy these funny jokes to cheer up a friend? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I’ll be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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