65 facts about life that few people ever mention

Facts-About-LifeLooking for some facts about life, dear reader? Well, here are some facts which rarely, if ever get a mention.

Some will argue they’re subjective and they could be right. However, in my experience the facts I offer you today are all true.

Take a look at them all and see what you think.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Facts about life (1-20):

  1. There’s no such thing as easy money.
  2. If you don’t go for it, you won’t get it.
  3. You cannot debate with those who despise you.
  4. Your opinion is just as valid as the next person’s.
  5. In wanting to appeal to everyone you’ll appeal to no one.
  6. Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
  7. You’ll be remembered not for what you got but for what you gave.
  8. Create your own job and you’ll never be threatened by layoffs again.
  9. Life’s tough for everyone and for many people it’s very tough indeed.
  10. Free speech is the right to express opinions to which others may object.
  11. Rarely do people appreciate what they had, until they no longer have it.
  12. A lie is repeated often enough eventually becomes accepted as the truth.
  13. Just because it matters to you, it doesn’t mean it must matter to me too.
  14. People should be judged by their character and the contribution they make.
  15. The public will get what it tolerates. An easy life comes at a significant price.
  16. We live on in the hearts we touch and within the people for whom we mattered.
  17. You don’t decide your future. You make choices and your choices decide your future.
  18. By definition, a fact is a fact, and ignoring a fact doesn’t mean it ceases to exist.
  19. You won’t find true happiness in material things. Happiness lies in love and laughter.
  20. Blessed are the young, and those not born yet, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Facts about life (21-35):

  1. The unquestioning acceptance of fashionable dogma is not the mark of great intellect.
  2. To believe is to accept unquestionably as fact that which cannot be demonstrated to be fact.
  3. People will believe what they want to believe, regardless of whether they can be sure it’s true.
  4. People who demand tolerance from others are frequently the most intolerant people themselves.
  5. You’ll be judged not on what you say but on what you do. Talk is cheap but only results matter.
  6. We’re not defined by the circumstances into which we were born. Life can be better if we make it so.
  7. Your years on this earth will teach you far more than you could possibly learn in any university or college.
  8. All good ideas are eventually infiltrated and ruined by the attention-seeking few with their own agenda.
  9. In the po-faced, new-puritanical era in which we now live, we’re losing the ability to laugh at ourselves.
  10. With gambling, there’s only one winner consistently and that’s the casino. That’s why they’re in business.
  11. It doesn’t matter what you do, or how well you do it, there’ll always be someone who will criticise you.
  12. Success is enjoying what you do, whilst having sufficient money to live your preferred lifestyle comfortably.
  13. Being too nice is not virtuous, it’s naive, bordering on foolishness, and it creates more problems than it solves.
  14. As long as we’re not hurting anyone else then how we choose to live our lives is no one’s business but our own.
  15. If something cannot be subjected to scrutiny and criticism then it’s probably not a good idea in the first place.

Facts about life (36-45):

  1. People will always have problems in need of a solution. If you can be that solution you can make a good living.
  2. When your opinions run counter to the fashionable dogma of the day you’re unlikely to get a fair hearing in the media.
  3. Past wrongs cannot be righted. All we can do is learn from any mistakes made and endeavour to do better next time.
  4. No job is more important than being a good parent because parents nurture the next generation and children are the future.
  5. A promotion at work is not a reward for what you’ve done in the past it’s an opportunity to show what you can do in the future.
  6. When everything’s going well and you’re feeling like you can do no wrong, think twice. You’re more vulnerable than you realise.
  7. We live in a world of Orwellian ‘newspeak’ where we’re expected to accept as fact that which everyone knows is complete nonsense.
  8. The world is full of Charlatans and con artists all claiming to know what’s best for the rest of us. They should all be challenged constantly.
  9. Having a fancy job title doesn’t mean you’re more important than someone else. A job is just a job and we all add value in our own way.
  10. We have to deal with reality as it is and not how we like it to be. So, we must protect ourselves and our interests because no one will do it for us.

Facts about life (46-54):

  1. Extreme political movements are usually a lot of useful idiots led by a few sinister people with an agenda that’s in no one’s interests but theirs.
  2. We’ll keep making the same mistake until we learn the lesson the mistake was intended to teach us. Life is a classroom and the lessons never stop.
  3. A question asked comes with no obligation to provide anything other than a polite response. Remember that should you ever be grilled by the media.
  4. Remaining loyal to the circumstances into which you were born is not a noble act. Just because you were born poor doesn’t mean you have to remain poor.
  5. We live in an age when a lack of knowledge or expertise doesn’t mean people will not have an opinion on a given issue that they expect to be taken seriously.
  6. It’s for us to give our lives meaning. To leave a legacy by doing something that’ll add a little value to the lives of others and make the world a slightly better place.
  7. If you don’t tend your own garden regularly it will be attacked quickly by noxious weeds. Life’s like that too. We must all take good care of that which is precious to us.
  8. An employer will replace you in a heartbeat, should you pass away, but to your loved ones you can never be replaced. That should tell you where your priority should be.
  9. History serves as a series of lessons to us all. We cannot be selective about what we include in our history, otherwise, we risk forgetting the lessons and making the same mistakes again.

Facts about life (55-60):

  1. Drawing attention to injustices, wherever they are, really can make a difference. So don’t be afraid to call out those who seek to harm others for doing nothing other than expressing an opinion.
  2. To remain silent is to be irrelevant. A quiet life will come at a cost to you. The cost is people with louder voices moving the world in a direction you may not like. Speak up or live with the consequences.
  3. In a totalitarian world dissenting voices must be crushed ruthlessly or they might influence others to express dissent too. Political ideologues demand subservience and dogma accepted without question.
  4. If your job can be done from anywhere, then someone anywhere can do your job? So, if a company is looking to reduce costs, in order to increase their profits, jobs will be moved to wherever in the world labour is cheapest.
  5. Extreme ideology can pass into the mainstream and take hold if we’re all too complacent to stay on top of what’s going on. If we’re asleep at the wheel, life can quickly become a car crash and we’ll only have ourselves to blame.
  6. If we judge previous generations through the prism of modern sensibilities, they’ll always look bad. They lived in their time and we live in ours. We cannot know what their lives were really like, so we cannot judge them fairly, nor should we try.

Facts about life (61-65):

  1. It doesn’t matter how good a job you do, others will take credit for your contribution long after you’ve gone, but you’ll be the person responsible for any problems, regardless of whether you actually had anything to do with any of them or not.
  2. Celebrities are nothing more than skilled media manipulators who profit from the public’s gullibility by constantly maintaining an image with the aim of creating the illusion that they’re something special when in fact they’re nothing special at all.
  3. The problem with social media today is that far too many people feel the need to express opinions consistent with the latest fashionable dogma currently trending regardless of whether they actually have any significant knowledge of the subject at all.
  4. Unless your ambition is to secure a job for which having a degree is mandatory, then you’re probably wasting three years of your life and $75,000 of debt by going to university nowadays. You’re unlikely to get a return on the debt you incur, so consider your options carefully.
  5. They say that those with the gold make the rules. Well, if you’re not being served in the way you feel you should be, then whoever’s providing you with that service can be reminded of the purchasing power you hold in your hands by a simple boycott. You don’t have to accept the unacceptable.

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What is grit and why is it important?

What-is-gritWhat is grit? I’ve heard this word a lot recently. And of course, the obvious supplementary question is, why is it important?

I’m referring to a term used in psychology to represent a positive, non-cognitive personality trait based on an individual’s perseverance of effort combined with the passion for a particular goal and a powerful motivation to achieve it. Allow me to explain.

Have you ever noticed that the smartest people are not always the most successful? Obviously, success can be defined in different ways but for most people, their measure would usually revolve around money and prestige.

If we take money as the measure for success, then you’d think the smartest people would easily come out on top on that score, surely? Yet you’d be wrong.

We hear stories frequently about college professors who struggle financially whilst at the same time tradesmen like bricklayers and plumbers become millionaires. How can that be?

Surely the smartest people have a natural advantage? Well, actually they don’t.

The people with the real, innate advantage are those with this quality known as grit.

So exactly what is grit? It is an inner steeliness. It is courage and resolve. It is a strength of character. It is drive and desire. It is passion and motivation. It is a willingness to persevere until the desired result is achieved. It is a determination to achieve a goal and a willingness to take calculated risks.

It is a fact that doing well in life depends on much more than academic ability and your capacity to learn quickly and easily.

Having those qualities is useful of course but in the absence of grit, you’d still be at a disadvantage.

Someone of average academic ability but with a shed-load of grit will be better placed to achieve real success in life.

What is gritPeople with grit intuitively recognize that life is a marathon, not a sprint.

They’re willing to experience failure because they know that failure is a temporary outcome, not a permanent position. And they’re willing to fail and then start over using the lessons they’ve learned from the experience.

So what’s the key to success? It’s the need to get grittier!

Angela Lee Duckworth makes this point admirably in this excellent TEDxTalk video and it’s well worth a few minutes of your time. It’s an interesting video and I think she nails the point perfectly.

That’s what I think but what is your opinion?

Could there be such an easy answer or is it all much more complicated? I’d be interested to hear your views.

Grit: The power of passion and perseverance:

Further Reading:

If you’d like to know more about grit and Angela Lee Duckworth’s ideas about the secret of success then read her excellent and Number 1 best selling book Grit: Why passion and resilience are the secrets to success.

It’s well worth the cover price and you can check it out if you CLICK HERE

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60 British insults for getting your message across

British-InsultsWhen it comes to insults the British certainly can have a clever turn of phrase. Well, I think so but then again I am British, so perhaps I’m a little bit biased. Therefore allow me to offer you 60 British insults to prove my point.

All of these clever comebacks made me smile and I hope you’ll enjoy at least some of them too.

So take a few minutes to appreciate the British sense of humour and please feel free to pass them on.

British insults (1-20):

  1. Get lost!
  2. You stink!
  3. You wazzock!
  4. A pox on you.
  5. Do one, tosser!
  6. You gormless git!
  7. You silly plonker!
  8. Shove it up your ass!
  9. You pointless prick!
  10. Just get out of my sight.
  11. You’re as daft as a brush.
  12. You sir are a waste of space.
  13. You’re an absolute doorknob.
  14. You’re as mad as a box of frogs.
  15. You’re a sandwich short of a picnic.
  16. Watch where you’re going, dipstick!
  17. You corrosive lump of faecal horror.
  18. You have a mouth like a torn pocket.
  19. Pigs in a sty smell better than you do.
  20. You’re a waste of the air you breathe.

British insults (21-40):

  1. You look ill. Should I call a vet for you?
  2. Wow, you’ve got a great face, for radio!
  3. Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
  4. Nice hair. Does it grow all over your back?
  5. You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
  6. Do you have anything edible on the menu?
  7. Is it normal to foam at the mouth like that?
  8. You’ve got a face like a bag of smashed crabs.
  9. Boy, you’ve been whacked with the ugly stick!
  10. Is that rotting flesh or your armpits I can smell?
  11. You’ve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
  12. You add less value than the excrement on my shoe.
  13. Do that again and I’ll have your guts for garters.
  14. You don’t have to be a complete tosser all your life.
  15. You’re so obnoxious, how do you live with yourself?
  16. Where I come from we walk the family pet not eat it.
  17. I’m guessing they don’t sell deodorant where you live.
  18. Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
  19. I’d call you a whore but that would be unfair to whores.
  20. I don’t hate you but may your death be slow and painful.

British insults (41-60):

  1. British-InsultsPerhaps it might just be a ‘You’ problem?
  2. Only a complete slimeball would think that’s acceptable.
  3. Yes, I’d love to meet your parents. When does the zoo open?
  4. Well, aren’t you a little bundle of something quite unpleasant.
  5. Yes, I’m drunk but tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
  6. What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face like a melted welly.
  7. Everyone has the right to be ugly but you’re abusing that privilege.
  8. If you really must smile it would be better if you visited a dentist first.
  9. Call me unworldly if you must, but do women normally have hair there?
  10. With a menu as bad as this I won’t have any problem sticking to my diet.
  11. I wouldn’t call you ugly but you’ve got a face like a blind cobbler’s thumb.
  12. I think you’re brave in showing your face in public, without a bag covering it.
  13. What’s wrong with you? You’re walking like your ass is chewing a toffee.
  14. I’m guessing fornication with your siblings eliminates your need for dating apps
  15. I’d call you ugly but that doesn’t quite say what a truly unpleasant sight you are.
  16. I must have done something terrible in another life to deserve a mingebag like you?
  17. People say you’re a bit of a spanner but in my experience, you’re more the full toolkit.
  18. If you could just listen to yourself for a minute you’d realize your opinion is ridiculous.
  19. Could I borrow a hosepipe, please? You look like you’re in need of some colonic irrigation.
  20. I know I asked for a rare steak but a good vet could have this one back on its feet in an instant.

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25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

witty-one-liner-jokesIn need of being cheered up a little dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile?

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but should you know then do let me know. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes:

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.
  11. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  12. I’ve no idea why but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  13. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  14. Leave them wanting more is always great advice, unless you work in disaster relief.
  15. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  16. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccoughs.
  17. If we should never eat late at night then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  18. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  19. I read in the newspaper that a semi-colon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  20. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat, I’m living on the wrong planet.
  21. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  22. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  23. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves, and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  24. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  25. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

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People really do enjoy witty one-liner jokes, so please share this post now.

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21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

21-brilliant-one-linersWhenever I share funny one-liners with readers, the posts are always popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one-liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you dear reader.

Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 21 brilliant one-liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all Author Unknown.

However, I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able to enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime, I hope these 21 brilliant one-liners will brighten your day.

Brilliant one-liners:

  1. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  2. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  3. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  4. Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  5. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  6. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
  7. I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  8. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  9. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  10. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  11. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  12. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  13. A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
  14. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  15. Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
  16. I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
  17. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  18. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  19. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
  20. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
  21. I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

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10 hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh out loud

hilarious-jokesIf you’re in need of a good laugh and let’s face it, we all need a good laugh, then once again I have a collection of jokes just for you dear reader. Here are 10 hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh out loud

Take a few moments to enjoy this batch of jokes because let’s face it, it would be wrong not to.

And remember; if they have you laughing then please, please share this post with your friends on social media.

Hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh:

1. One man and his talking dog:

Jim walks into a New York bar with his dog Fido.

Jim walks right up to the bar, turns to face the seated customers and says, “This is my dog Fido and believe it or not, he’s a talking dog. If I can demonstrate to you that Fido can answer any of my questions who will buy me a drink?

Listen, buddy, if you can demonstrate that Fido can talk, you can have a drink on the house,” says the bartender.

So Jim turns to Fido and asks, “What goes on the top of a house?

Roof!” Fido responds.

What does tree bark feel like?” asks Jim.

Rough!” says Fido.

Who was the greatest baseball player ever?” asks Jim.

Ruth!” says Fido.

The bartender is really unimpressed with what he’s hearing and he snaps at Jim. “You’re a phoney buddy. We’re not fooled by any of that. You and your dog can get out of here right now. Go on, on your way!

As Jim and his dog are thrown out onto the street, Fido looks sadly at Jim and says. “What did I do wrong? Should I have said, Joe DiMaggio or Mickey Mantle?

2. The thief and the Parrot:

A thief breaks into a house when he thinks no one will be at home.

He’s creeping carefully through the property and as he steps into the lounge he’s stopped dead in his tracks when he suddenly hears someone say very clearly, “Jesus is watching you!

He stands very still for a moment until everything in the house falls silent again. At this point, he moves forward very slowly.

Once again he hears that voice, “Jesus is watching you!

The thief is now frightened out of his wits and he stops once again to focus on locating the voice.

He’s looking around peering into the darkness when he spots a birdcage and in the birdcage is a parrot.

The thief looks the parrot in the eyes and asks, “Was that you who said, ‘Jesus is watching me’?

Yes”, said the parrot.

The thief relaxes and breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness for that”, he says to the parrot. “What’s your name?

The family here call me Ronald”, said the parrot.

Ronald? You cannot be serious!” laughs the thief. “What sort of family calls their pet parrot Ronald?

The sort of family that call their ferocious, Rottweiler guard dog Jesus” the parrot responds.

3. Hospital banter:

Five surgeons are taking their lunch break and enjoying a little banter to relax. The conversation moves on quickly to the people they regard as the best patients.

The first surgeon says, “For me, it’s got to be accountants. They are the best people to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered.

The second surgeon responds, “No, I don’t agree. Librarians have to be the best people on which to operate because everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The third surgeon thinks for a minute, smiles and then he says, “Sounds like you’ve never operated on an electrician. When you open them up you’ll find everything inside them is colour-coded!

The fourth surgeon laughs and says,” Well personally I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and butts are interchangeable.

The fifth surgeon has been quietly listening to the conversation so far when he’s asked by the others what he thinks.

Well I like to operate on engineers because they’re always very understanding if I find myself with a few parts left over when the job’s done,” he says.

4. Talking dog for sale:

A couple is out for a walk when they notice a large sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.

They are both intrigued by the idea of a talking dog, so they knock on the door and ask if they can take a look at this dog

Sure!” says the owner, “Come on in.

The owner escorts them into the lounge where the dog is lying on the sofa watching television.

Hello,” they say to the dog.

Hello,” the dog responds.

What have you done with your life so far then?” the couple ask the dog.

Well actually I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog.

Really?” says the couple.

Yes really,” says the dog. “I’ve lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I work part-time reading to the residents in a retirement home.

The couple is amazed by this. They can’t believe any dog could have done quite so much.

One of them then asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of this amazing dog?

“Oh, we’re getting rid of him because he’s a liar. He’s not done any of those things” says the owner.

5. Miscommunication:

Jed goes into a public restroom and he’s barely sat down in the cubicle when he hears a voice say, “Hi, how are you?

Feeling a little embarrassed Jed says politely, “Well I guess I’m doing fine thank you!

The voice then responds, “So what are you up to?

Jed is even more embarrassed but once again he responds politely, “Well just like you, I’m sitting here trying to get a load off my mind.

He then hears the voice say, “Hey, can I come over?

Jed is now extremely embarrassed and starting to get slightly irritated too, so he snaps back, “Look, surely you understand I’m a bit busy right now!

At this point, he hears the voice say, “Jane listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the next cubicle who keeps responding to all my questions!

6. Two hunters:

Two hunters are out in the woods hunting bears when one of them suddenly collapses.

The other guy checks him over and realises that he’s not breathing and his eyes are a bit glazed. So he grabs his cell phone and immediately calls 911.

I think my friend’s dead!” he yells down the phone with panic in his voice. “What should I do?

Sir, if you can just calm down I’ll help you,” says the operator calmly. “Let’s just make sure he’s dead first.

There’s then a moment of silence, followed by what is clearly a gunshot.

Back on the phone, the guy then says to the operator, “Right, now what?

7. Cosmetic surgery:

Jill, a middle-aged woman, is having surgery in hospital following a severe heart attack when she has a vision of God by her bedside.

Will I die God?” she asks.

To which God responds, “No my dear, you still have 30 more years to live yet.

Well if she’s got 30 more years to look forward to and since she’s in hospital anyway, Jill decides she might as well make the most of her operation.

So she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, a hair transplant, and collagen injections in her lips. When it’s all finished and the bruises have healed she looks absolutely stunning and 10 years younger.

The day she’s discharged from the hospital, she leaves the hospital with a real spring in her step. Feeling very good about her makeover, Jill steps into the street and is immediately knocked down by an ambulance and killed.

As she steps through the Pearly Gates, Jill sees God and decides to complain. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she says to God.

Well that’s true,” says God.

So what happened?” Jill asks.

To which God shrugs and says, “I’m sorry but I didn’t recognize you.

8. Kids are smarter than you think:

A young boy walks into a barber’s shop and the barber whispers to the customer to whom he’s currently attending, “This kid has got to be the dumbest kid in the world. Watch and I’ll prove it to you.

The barber then puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then he says to the boy, ‘Hey kid, which do you want the dollar bill or the quarters?’

The boy decides to take the quarters and then he leaves the shop.

What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That dumb kid never learns!

Later, when the customer is leaving the barber’s shop he sees the same kid coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, kid! May I ask you a question?” asks the customer. “Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?

The boy licks his ice cream for a moment before saying, “Because the day I take the dollar bill the game is over!

9. Classmates:

While waiting for her first appointment with her new dentist, Jane notices his degree certificate on the wall, which includes his full name.

Suddenly, Jane remembers a tall, handsome boy from her High School class some 45 years ago who had exactly the same name. Naturally, she wonders whether this can be the same guy.

However, upon seeing him, she quickly dismisses any such thought. Surely this ageing, balding, grey-haired old man with a deeply lined face could not possibly be one of her old High School classmates?

After he had finished examining her teeth, Jane decides to ask him whether he attended the local high school.

Yes,” he replied.

That’s amazing. What year did you graduate then?” Jane asks.

In 1973” he responds.

Amazing, you were in my class!” Jane exclaims.

He looks at her closely and then asks, “What subject did you teach?

10. The Monastery:

Every ten years in the Monastery, the monks were allowed to break their vow of silence to speak just two words.

With ten years gone by, Brother Michael gets his first chance to speak.

He thinks for a second and then says, “Food bad.

Another ten years go by and again Brother Michael has an opportunity to speak briefly and on this occasion, he says, “Bed hard.

A further decade later, it’s the big day once more. However this time Brother Michael gives the head monk a long stare before saying, “I quit.

To which the head monk responds, “I’m not surprised. You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.

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3 hilarious short story jokes guaranteed to raise a smile

hilarious-short-story-jokesDear reader, are you in need of a laugh? Then how about these 3 hilarious short story jokes guaranteed to raise a smile? They will have you howling with laughter. Well, they certainly made me laugh, so I hope they brighten your day too.

Hilarious short story jokes:

1. Getting married in Heaven:

A young Catholic couple, Patrick and Bernadette, were on their way to the church to get married. Sadly their lives were cruelly cut short by a road traffic accident just before they would have reached their destination.

Nevertheless, they’d lived good and decent lives, so naturally, in an instant, they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter as he reviewed a clipboard to confirm their names were on the list.

As they stood there, Patrick said to St Peter, “Will it still be possible for us to get married in Heaven?

To be honest, I’m not sure”, said St Peter. “Believe it or not, this has never happened before. If you’ll bear with me, I will check it out for you.

With that, St Peter disappeared.

So Patrick and Bernadette sat down on a nearby golden bench and they waited. And waited, and waited, and waited. They waited so long that a couple of months passed.

Naturally, in that time they chatted about their future and the challenges of being married and the fact that many of their friends who’d married found it wasn’t always forever. Circumstances often change and relationships can suffer.

Eventually, St Peter reappeared looking a little flustered.

Well”, said St Peter, “I have some good news for you both. I’m pleased to be able to tell you that you will be to get married here in Heaven.”

Oh, that’s great!” said Bernadette enthusiastically.

Patrick wasn’t quite so enthusiastic in his reaction though.

St Peter, I was just wondering”, said Patrick, “If we were to marry and things didn’t work out, would we be able to divorce in Heaven?”

St Peter’s response suggested that he was irritated by Patrick’s question, as he slammed his clipboard angrily on the ground.

St Peter, what’s the matter?” Bernadette enquired.

Oh, for Heaven’s sake!” said St Peter. “It’s taken me almost three months to find a priest here in Heaven. Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?

2. Age problems:

Jim was 85 years old and he’d been playing golf every single day since he’d retired from work 20 years earlier.

One day Jim arrives home from golf and he’s obviously in an agitated state.

What’s the matter dear?” his wife, Mabel enquired.

I’m going to give up golf”, Jim responded. “My eyesight is now so bad that once I hit the ball I just can’t see where it’s gone.”

Mabel can see Jim’s really upset so she tries to be as sympathetic as possible.

Oh don’t worry dear. Let me make you a nice cup of coffee. You’ll feel better after that I’m sure”, she says.

As they both sit down with their coffee, Mabel says suddenly, “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Next time you play golf you could take my brother Sid with you.

But Mabel, how will that help?” says Jim, “Sid is 98!

Yes”, says Mabel, “but he still has perfect eyesight. He can be your eyes when you play.

So Jim agrees it’s probably worth a try and he makes arrangements with Sid for the next day.

The next day Jim heads off to the country club with Sid.

At the first tee, Jim tees up with an almighty swing and he then squints down the fairway trying to see where his ball has gone.

Sid, did you see where my ball went?” asks Jim.

Sure!” says Sid. “I still have perfect eyesight.”

Jim waited momentarily, anticipating some further information from Sid but he got nothing.

So where did it go then?” asks Jim.

Sid looked at him a little confused and then said, “Where did what go?

hilarious-short-story-jokes3. One kiss:

Alice was an attractive young woman and she was shopping in a department store looking to buy material for a dress she was making.

At the fabric counter, she spotted some suitable material and said to the young male clerk behind the counter, “What’s the cost of this material please?”

Well miss the price for that is just one kiss per yard,” replied the clerk, with a confident grin on his face.

That’s fine,” said Alice. “I’ll take ten yards please.”

Well, the clerk couldn’t believe his luck. He quickly measured out the cloth, folded it carefully, wrapped it up, then teasingly held the package out to Alice.

She in turn accepted the package, smiled and then, pointing to the elderly man behind her, she said, “My grandpa will settle the bill.

And with that, she proceeded to browse at the next counter.

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3 funny short story jokes guaranteed to raise a laugh

funny-short-story-jokes1. Speed cop:

Jim’s a police officer in Morristown, New Jersey.

One day he’s sitting in his squad car on Main Street when a car screams past him doing at least 100 miles an hour.

With blue lights flashing and siren wailing, Jim chases after the car and pulls it over.

Jim approaches the car and says to the young driver, “Sir, please step out of the car for me.

But officer”, said the young man, “I can explain.”

Just be quiet!” snapped Jim, “Driving at dangerous speeds on Main Street is a felony. You’ll be cooling your heels in jail until the police chief gets back and decides what to do with you.

But officer”, the young man responded, “if you’d just let me explain.”

Once again Jim snapped at him, “Be quiet! You’re going to jail.

A few hours later Jim is checking on his prisoner in the holding cell at the station and the guy is looking is little glum to say the least. At this point Jim’s feeling a bit sorry for him.

Hey buddy”, says Jim, “don’t worry. Lucky for you the police chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.

Don’t count on it”, said the young driver, “I’m the groom.”

2. Divine justice:

Father Jeremy was a parish priest who was obsessed with playing golf.

He would be at a country club playing golf every opportunity he got. It was a passion for him.

One summer Sunday the weather was absolutely glorious and he realised it was such a perfect day to play golf. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the temperature was really very pleasant.

Days are rarely better than this for playing golf”, Father Jeremy thought to himself.

This left him with a dilemma. For him Sunday was a working day of course but perhaps he could report in sick and then play golf at the country club in the next town?

Well, his passion for golf got the better of him and he phoned the curate to tell him he was sick and would not be able to take mass that day.

He then packed his clubs into his car and drove two hours to a country club where he was confident he would not be recognized.

By mid-morning Father Jeremy was standing at the first tee ready to play 18 holes.

Well the Lord works in mysterious ways and the angels are his eyes and ears. And as Father Jeremy was ready to tee off one angel was watching him with concern.

The angel then went to God and said, “Look at that parish priest. He should be preaching to his congregation today, not playing golf.

God frowned at the angel and agreed that this was not what he’d expect from a parish priest on a Sunday.

Leave it to me,” said God.

At this point, Father Jeremy teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and it glided effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. It was a perfect hole-in-one.

Never before had Father Jeremy achieved such golfing perfection, so naturally, he was both amazed and very excited.

The angel looked on from above and he was shocked. He turned to God and said, “Lord, I’m sorry but I thought you said you were going to punish him.

I have”, said God.

How?” the angel responded.

God smiled and said, “Think about it. Who can he possibly tell about this now?

funny-short-story-jokes3. The helicopter ride:

Dan and his wife Mary went to the state fair every year.

And every year Dan would say to Mary, “You know Mary, I would love to go for a ride in the helicopter.

And Mary’s response was always the same.

I know that Dan but the helicopter ride costs $50, And let’s face it, $50 is $50.” Mary would say.

This went on for many years and eventually, they were at the fair one year and Dan said to Mary, “You know Mary, I’m 87 now. If I don’t ride the helicopter this year, I may not get another chance. I ain’t got much time left.

Well, Mary had known hard times and so she could never be frivolous with money. Once again her response was the same, “Dan, you know the helicopter costs $50 and $50 is $50.

Well as they were talking, the helicopter pilot overheard their conversation.

Hey, listen folks”, he said, “I’ll offer you a deal. I’ll take you both for a ride in the helicopter and if you can both stay completely quiet for the entire ride then you can have it for free. However, you must not say a word. If you do say anything you must pay the $50.”

Well, this sounded like a great deal to Dan and Mary, so naturally, they agreed and up they went in the helicopter.

In an attempt to get them to say something, the pilot performed every fancy trick and move he knew but they didn’t say a word.

To up the ante, the pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still, there wasn’t so much as one word spoken.

Finally, they landed and the pilot turned to Dan said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!

Well to be honest”, said Dan, “I almost said something when Mary fell out but, you know, $50 is $50!

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30 of the best puns guaranteed to make you laugh

Best-PunsDo you enjoy clever puns, dear reader?

I must say, I do. I  love them and I’m always on the lookout for the best puns I can find and occasionally I write my own too.

So here are 30 of the best puns I’ve heard for a long time.

Unfortunately, I cannot be sure of their origin but they’re guaranteed to make you laugh, of that I’m sure.

Certainly, they made me laugh and I really hope they brighten your day too.

The Best Puns (1-15):

  1. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  2. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  3. Atheists can’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  5. A girl said she recognised me from my vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.
  6. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  7. The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.
  8. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
  9. I didn’t like my beard at first but it grew on me.
  10. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  11. Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.
  12. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  13. What does the clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  14. I dreamt I wrote Lord of the Rings but I think I was just Tolkien in my sleep.
  15. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

The Best Puns (16-30):

  1. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  2. I ordered 2000 lbs. of Chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
  3. With great reflexes comes great response ability.
  4. Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the calendar factory for taking a day off?
  5. Why do the French eat snails? They don’t like fast food.
  6. A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason. Details are sketchy.
  7. Don’t make jokes about unemployed people. They don’t work.
  8. My computer’s got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.
  9. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
  10. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
  11. The best time to open a gift is the present.
  12. Why did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
  13. I used to build stairs for a living but it’s an up and down business.
  14. Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
  15. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

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If any of the best puns listed above made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face now and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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22 bad puns that are so bad they’re funny

bad-punsI love puns, as you may have seen in some previous blog posts. The clever use of words always makes me smile. Whether they’re good puns or bad puns they usually make me laugh.

Well, today I’m focusing on some bad puns for a change.

Here are 22 bad puns which consider why so many professionals never die.

I hope they brighten your day and or at least don’t make you groan too much. Enjoy them all now.

Bad Puns: 

  1. Old owls never die they just don’t give a hoot.
  2. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
  3. Old sculptors never die they just lose their marbles.
  4. Old professors never die they just lose their class.
  5. Old limbo dancers never die they just go under.
  6. Old chemists never die they just fail to react.
  7. Old mathematicians never die they just disintegrate.
  8. Old investors never die they just rollover.
  9. Old printers never die they’re just not the type.
  10. Old sanitation engineers never die they’re just dumped.
  11. Old police officers never die they just cop-out.
  12. Old bankers never die they just lose interest.
  13. Old sewage workers never die they just waste away.
  14. Old electricians never die they just lose contact.
  15. Old accountants never die they just lose their figures.
  16. Old photographers never die they just stop developing.
  17. Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
  18. Old tailors never die they just get stitched up.
  19. Old chauffeurs never die they just lose their drive.
  20. Old quarterbacks never die they just pass away.
  21. Old cleaners never die they just kick the bucket.
  22. Old cooks never die they just get deranged.

bad-punsCan you add another one?

On the theme of old professionals never dying, can you add another one to this list?

Maybe you could make one up and entertain our readers? Perhaps a pun related to your own profession or hobby? I’ll bet you can dear reader.

Go on, have a go at writing one of your own and send it to me via the Contact Page.

The page will then be updated and you’ll get a full acknowledgement on this post for your contribution

I’m confident readers will have lots of great ideas. So go on, let me have them ow.

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I hope these puns made you laugh dear reader. However, perhaps you feel that you could use another laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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