35 witty one-liners that are all very corny but fun too

witty one-linersDo you enjoy witty one-liners dear reader? Well, today I’ve put together another collection of 35 of them just for you.

Yes, they’re all corny puns, that’s true, but they’re fun too and they all made me smile. So I hope they brighten your day as well.

Take a few minutes now to enjoy them all.

Witty one-liners:

  1. The periodic table is elementary knowledge.
  2. Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners, but cats can.
  3. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
  4. If you know of any good fish jokes, let minnow.
  5. Spring is here! I’m so excited, I wet my plants.
  6. Puns about menstruation are not funny. Period.
  7. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  8. Be kind to dentists because they have fillings too.
  9. How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch? Tea, Rex?
  10. Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses.
  11. No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder. 
  12. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  13. Which way did the programmers go? They went data way!
  14. I’m positive I just lost an electron. Better keep an ion that.
  15. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
  16. I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  17. People tend to study gravity because it’s a pretty attractive field.
  18. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
  19. If you use an umbrella, does that mean you’re under the weather?
  20. I heard a joke about a mythical sea monster and it’s still Kraken me up!
  21. After the birth of your first child, your role in life will become apparent. 
  22. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.
  23. I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends!
  24. I was going to donate part of my stomach, but I didn’t have the guts.
  25. My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
  26. I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on, but then it just clicked. 
  27. Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
  28. I’m working on a machine that can read minds. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
  29. Did you see the headlines this morning? “Man in boxers leads police on brief chase”.
  30. Apple is designing a new automatic car, but they’re having trouble installing Windows!
  31. I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares.
  32. I was on the toilet, angry and late for work. I thought to myself, “I don’t have time for this sh*t.”
  33. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presents.
  34. My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat. In the end, he came around.
  35. I got a pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts. On the one hand, it’s great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

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If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

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25 corny puns that’ll make you smile or make you cringe

Corny PunsDo you like corny puns, dear reader? I hope so because I’ve pulled together 25 of them for you. They’ll make you smile or make you cringe but either way, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the clever wordplay.

So sit back and take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

Corny Puns:

  1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
  2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
  3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
  4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
  5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
  6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
  7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
  8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
  9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
  10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
  11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
  12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
  13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
  14. Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
  15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
  16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
  17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
  18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
  19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
  20. I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
  21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
  22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
  23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
  24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
  25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

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So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

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15 Quotes by Bob Newhart reflecting his personal philosophy

Quotes by Bob Newhart

Photo by Alan Light

There are many fine comedians in this world and many of the finest are American, in my opinion. And for me, one of the funniest American comedians of all time is Bob Newhart. He’s certainly made me laugh out loud, many times.

Many years ago I was fortunate enough to stumble upon his audio recording of the Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart and from that moment on I was absolutely hooked.

This album was one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

Imagine my situation, I’m sitting in my car waiting for the traffic lights to turn green. Suddenly on my car radio, they play the Tobacco sketch from that album. It was so funny it had me laughing so much that people around me were starting to stare at me as if I’d gone mad. It really was that funny. If you click the link you can listen to it.

And if you’re unfamiliar with Bob Newhart’s work then I do recommend you check him out. And a good place to start would be the Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart. It’s still available on Amazon.

However before you check it out, here are 15 quotes by Bob Newhart, some of which reflect his humour, some reflect his sense of the absurd and some are just thought-provoking.

Quotes by Bob Newhart:

  1. The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour. ~Bob Newhart
  2. Don’t be silly and don’t waste your time. ~Bob Newhart
  3. Don’t live in the past. There’s no point. You can’t change anything. What a waste of time. ~Bob Newhart
  4. I don’t like country music but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down. ~Bob Newhart
  5. People are meant to be in certain places, and I think I’m meant to be on a sound stage doing situation comedy. ~Bob Newhart
  6. The best advice I was probably given and the best advice I could give someone who is trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills. ~Bob Newhart
  7. Comedians are innately programmed to pick up oddities like mispronounced words, upside-down books on a shelf, and generally undetectable mistakes in everyday life. ~Bob Newhart
  8. I don’t know how doctors pick one speciality over another. Some you can understand. Paediatricians or gynaecologists delivering babies, bringing a new life into the world, but how does someone want to be a proctologist? How can you fall in love with proctology? ~Bob Newhart
  9. With the advent of cell phones, especially with the very small microphone that attaches to the cell phone itself, it’s getting harder and harder I find, to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. ~Bob Newhart
  10. I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage. ~Bob Newhart
  11. All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world. ~Bob Newhart
  12. Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. ~Bob Newhart
  13. Probably the best advice I ever got in my life was from the head of the accounting department, Mr Hutchinson, at the Glidden Company in Chicago, and he told me, ‘You really aren’t cut out for accounting.’ ~Bob Newhart
  14. I just made the decision that I was going to try comedy, and if didn’t work, then I knew it didn’t work. Then I would go back and do whatever. But at least I wouldn’t torture myself the rest of my life, wondering whatever would have happened. ~Bob Newhart
  15. All I can say about life is, ‘Oh God, enjoy it!’ ~Bob Newhart

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27 corny but funny puns to raise a smile or two

Funny PunsIf you like funny puns then I’ve put together a batch of very corny ones in the hope it will raise a smile or two. They all made me smile but for me the cornier the pun the better.

I hope you enjoy them all dear reader.

Funny puns:   

  1. Odourless chemicals just don’t make scents.
  2. I love how the Earth rotates. It really makes my day.
  3. I was working in a glue factory, but I couldn’t stick with it.
  4. Surely writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
  5. The cost of the space program is astronomical.
  6. I was inconsolable when my PlayStation was stolen.
  7. Our office defibrillator didn’t work. Nobody was shocked.
  8. I googled “how to start a fire” and got 869,000 matches.
  9. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
  10. I used to be a history teacher, but there’s no future in it.
  11. How’s my long-distance relationship going? So far, so good.
  12. I cancelled my gym membership because it wasn’t working out.
  13. Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
  14. I felt lonely, so I bought some shares. It’s nicer to have some company.
  15. If you’re thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet.
  16. To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
  17. I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit. 
  18. I sued the airport for mislaying my baggage, but I lost my case.
  19. There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator, and only a fraction of people will find that funny.
  20. I get really claustrophobic in elevators, so I’ve started taking steps to avoid it.
  21. Tennis players have a hard time in relationships because love means nothing to them.
  22. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
  23. A rubber band slingshot was confiscated in an algebra class for being a weapon of math disruption.
  24. What’s the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire. 
  25. The thing about shopping centres is that once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen a mall.
  26. My housemate told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went out and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
  27. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse replied “No change yet.”

Funny PunsPlease share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed any of these funny puns then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

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35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

witty quotesI love witty quotes from the funniest people and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share some of them with you dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  6. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

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You do? I hope so anyway.

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So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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15 funny work quotes that will certainly resonate with you

funny work quotesToday I thought it would be amusing to explore some funny work quotes.

Personally, I love my work. I love having a sense of purpose and something to get me out of bed each day.

However, not everyone feels the way I do and anyway, it’s never a good idea to take anything too seriously.

Occasionally we must laugh at the nature of human existence. And a good place to start laughing is with the subject of work.

Love it or hate it, it dominates all our lives nevertheless. So today I’ve pulled together 15 funny work quotes to make you smile.

Once again these quotes come from many sources but one, in particular, I must acknowledge and that’s Cool Funny Quotes where you’ll find some of these and many more besides. So check it out.

Funny work quotes:

  1. Hard work never killed anybody but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen
  2. I don’t work on weekends or any other day that ends with “Y”. ~Author Unknown
  3. The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. ~Author Unknown
  4. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx
  5. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ~The Simpsons
  6. If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Where X is work; Y is play, and Z is keeping your mouth shut. ~Albert Einstein (well, maybe!)
  7. As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. ~Tom Goins
  8. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. ~John Gotti
  9. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be ‘meetings.’ ~Dave Barry
  10. He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. ~Paddy O’Dea
  11. Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so close to Monday? ~Author Unknown
  12. Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day! ~Author Unknown
  13. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery. ~Author Unknown
  14. Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels. ~Author Unknown
  15. I once had a job in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. ~Author Unknown

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

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21 funny quotes you’ll absolutely love

funny quotesI love quotes and I love those funny quotes that make you smile and make you think.

Here are 21 funny quotes to highlight my point. Enjoy them all.

Funny quotes:

  1. Smile today because tomorrow could be worse. ~Anonymous
  2. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. ~Anonymous
  3. I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. ~Anonymous
  4. You’re born free then you’re taxed to death. ~Anonymous
  5. He who wakes up early yawns all day long. ~Anonymous
  6. I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed. ~Anonymous
  7. Those who snore always fall asleep first. ~Anonymous
  8. Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all, intelligence has its limits. ~Anonymous
  9. I just wanted you to know somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. ~Anonymous
  10. “Revenge” sounds so mean, that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.” ~Anonymous
  11. The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you’re with someone you’re not supposed to be seen with. ~Anonymous
  12. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right. ~Anonymous
  13. To make a mistake is human but to blame it on someone else, now that’s even more human. ~Anonymous
  14. It may look like I’m doing nothing but in my head, I’m quite busy. ~Anonymous
  15. When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window. ~Anonymous
  16. Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re done. ~Anonymous
  17. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. ~Anonymous
  18. I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live. ~Anonymous
  19. Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you’re bad luck. ~Anonymous
  20. I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop making me angry! ~Anonymous
  21. My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. ~Anonymous

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15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes to brighten your day

Cosmo Kramer quotes

Photo by Alan Light

One of the most memorable sitcom characters of all time has to be Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld, played by the excellent Michael Richards. So let’s take a look back at some of the best Cosmo Kramer quotes that made us all smile back in the day.

If you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Cosmo Kramer, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom on YouTube. They’re all brilliant and well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes which I hope will brighten your day.

Cosmo Kramer Quotes:

  1. Look away, I’m hideous.
  2. She’s got the Jimmy legs!
  3. Moles … freckles’ ugly cousin.
  4. Just make love to that wall pervert.
  5. You’re as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.
  6. Yeah, don’t worry, Jerry. We’re right on this guy like stink on a monkey.
  7. Because I’m like ice, buddy. When I don’t like you, you’ve got problems.
  8. Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak you sell the sizzle.
  9. There’s nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of a woman.
  10. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure, my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
  11. Now, what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
  12. Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious.
  13. I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
  14. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!
  15. Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humour. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard.

Please share this post with your friends:

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You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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34 corny but very clever one-liners that’ll crack you up

Clever One-LinersWhenever I post some clever one-liners, I always get an enormous response from readers. Clearly, they’re very popular with you.

So to satisfy demand, I thought I’d collect another batch for your amusement.

Here are 34 definitely corny but still very clever one-liners which I’m confident will crack you up. So enjoy them all and feel free to share this post with your friends. If some of these jokes made you laugh, then they’ll probably make your friends laugh.

However, relax and enjoy them all first.

Clever one-liners:

  1. A life in politics is full of parties.
  2. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  3. Coming up with weather puns is a breeze.
  4. I love jokes about eyes, the cornea the better.
  5. What do you call a small mother? A minimum.
  6. I met a girl on a dating site and we just clicked.
  7. I did have a joke about vacuums, but it sucked.
  8. When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  9. Pollen is when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
  10. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
  11. I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.
  12. I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
  13. How do you make a hotdog stand? You take the seat away.
  14. I hate negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
  15. Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
  16. I used to build stairs for a living, it’s an up and down business.
  17. Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
  18. Archaeologists are always broke because their careers lie in ruins.
  19. Claustrophobic people are more productive in thinking outside the box.
  20. What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
  21. I decided to get some Velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot? 
  22. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
  23. My sister said she didn’t understand cloning. I said that makes two of us.
  24. My tailor’s happy to make a pair of pants for me or at least, sew it seams.
  25. I got a reversible jacket for my birthday. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
  26. Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.
  27. I wasn’t originally going to get a heart transplant but then I had a change of heart.
  28. Why can’t you take anything balloons say seriously? They’re always full of hot air!
  29. I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why.
  30. This guy quit his job at the donut factory because he was fed up with the whole business.
  31. Running in front of a car will make you tired but running behind one is exhausting.
  32. My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed. I watched it all unfold.
  33. A teacher asked her student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?” The kid answers, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
  34. My husband passed away in the hospital when I couldn’t remember his blood type. His last words to me were, “Be positive!”

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31 great quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your EnthusiasmToday I thought it might be amusing to look back at some of the many memorable quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you’re not familiar with this sitcom, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a very funny comedy starring Larry David, playing a fictionalized version of himself.

Essentially the series follows Larry in his life as a semi-retired television writer and producer in his attempt to deal with life’s frustrations and quirks.

For me, it’s one of the great American sitcoms.

There are plenty of Curb Your Enthusiasm clips on YouTube if you want to check out this comedy and, if you’re unfamiliar with it, that’s well worth doing when you have a little free time.

So go ahead and take a look, but not before you’ve enjoyed these memorable quotes now.

Enjoy them all.

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm:

  1. I’m yelling for society.
  2. I find human contact repulsive.
  3. Can I apologise for the apology?
  4. I’m married. I can wear whatever I want.
  5. By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?
  6. I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.
  7. Hey, mind your own business. How about that?
  8. I’ve got ideas, but I choose not to carry them out.
  9. I always think of nice things, but I never act on them.
  10. It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.
  11. Why does everybody have to have pictures of everything?
  12. I’m feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.”
  13. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?
  14. We’re fighting because you’re a moron. That’s why we’re fighting.
  15. I’m sorry if you’re offended. I don’t think I said anything offensive.
  16. You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
  17. I don’t like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.
  18. Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
  19. He wanted to stop and chat with me, and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat.
  20. Can I tell you something about apricots? 1 in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.
  21. A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
  22. Nobody likes a tattle-tale, NOBODY! So go ahead and squeal and you’ll end up in HELL! OKAY!
  23. You can put my colon up next to your colon; we’ll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.
  24. What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?
  25. It’s completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career’s been based on being unprofessional.
  26. An employee is told that the customer’s always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.
  27. You’re nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.
  28. I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbours. The thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things. Neighbours want your time.
  29. I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out ‘Watch out!’ and she said ‘Don’t you tell me what to do!’
  30. You know what? Never mind, alright! I-I’ll take my liver out! I’ll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!
  31. You know what it is? You’re always attracted to someone who doesn’t want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn’t want you; doesn’t even acknowledge your right to exist; wants your destruction! That’s a turn-on.

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You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

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Thank you for your support.

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