5 powerful quotes to propel you down the road to success

powerful-quotesLooking for some powerful quotes, dear reader?

You won’t be alone if you are. We all need a little inspiration to fire a spark within us occasionally, The question is, where to start?

Quotes from successful people are always a good place to start, I think.

It’s always worth listening to people who’ve achieved real success.

If they’ve done it successfully, whatever it is, then we can always copy their approach.

And if we copy their approach then there’s a good chance we can achieve success too. If it worked for them, it might just work for us.

So here are 5 powerful quotes from some very successful people. I hope they provide a spark to propel you down the road to success.

Powerful quotes:

  1. Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. ~Steve Jobs
  2. Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world. ~Harriet Tubman
  3. Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life – think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success. ~Swami Vivekananda
  4. If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much. ~Jim Rohn
  5. You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. ~Steve Jobs

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50 Funny footballer quotes for soccer fans everywhere

Funny-Footballer-QuotesFootball or soccer? The beautiful game is well known by both names around the world. And wherever you go, players can say some silly things at times. So I thought it might be interesting to curate some funny footballer quotes, or if you prefer, funny soccer quotes.

Whether you prefer to call it football or soccer, one thing is true and that’s the players and people associated with the game can say some of the funniest things at times.

Over the years, players, managers, coaches, commentators and pundits have all come up with some memorable quotes and one-liners, some intentional, others inadvertent. Either way, they’re always amusing.

Enjoy them all and then please pass them on.

Funny footballer quotes (1 – 25):

  1. I love these players with two feet. ~Michael Owen
  2. They were numerically outnumbered. ~Garry Birtles
  3. He’s got a lot of self-belief in himself. ~Graham Beecroft
  4. To play Holland you have to play the Dutch. ~Ruud Gullit
  5. I’ve been consistent in patches this season. ~Theo Walcott
  6. Apparently, it’s my fault that the Titanic sank. ~Ian Holloway
  7. I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. ~Stuart Pearce
  8. And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0. ~Ian Darke
  9. I’d like to play for an Italian club like Barcelona. ~Mark Draper
  10. Winning doesn’t really matter as long as you win. ~Vinny Jones
  11. Reading won’t have the confidence to be confident. ~Paul Merson
  12. When you’re 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1. ~Lawrie McMenemy
  13. That would’ve been a goal had it gone inside the post. ~Michael Owen
  14. Some people cannot see a priest on a mountain of sugar. ~Rafa Benitez
  15. If there’s a bit of rain about it makes the surface wet. ~ Michael Owen
  16. Wilkins sends an inch-perfect pass to no one in particular. ~Byron Butler
  17. I couldn’t settle in Italy. It was like living in a foreign country. ~Ian Rush
  18. The Germans only have one player under 22, and he’s 23. ~Kevin Keegan
  19. If we played like this every week we wouldn’t be so inconsistent. ~Bryan Robson
  20. Chile have three options. They could win or they could lose. ~Kevin Keegan
  21. That is a fantastic penalty, but he will be gutted it went wide. ~Michael Owen
  22. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job. ~Brian Clough
  23. If Rojo wasn’t left-footed he’d have used his right for that one. ~Michael Owen
  24. Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you’re 80-20 sure of winning it. ~Ian Darke
  25. Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long about it. ~Martin Tyler

Funny footballer quotes (26 – 50):

  1. Blackburn have got two strikers on and they’re both playing upfront. ~Michael Owen
  2. We didn’t underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  3. For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip. ~John Motson
  4. Diego Maradona – a flawed genius, who has now become a genius who is flawed. ~Bob Wilson
  5. They’re the second-best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that. ~Kevin Keegan
  6. We must have had 99 per cent of the game. It was the other three per cent that cost us the match. ~Ruud Gullit
  7. If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he’s have put grass up there. ~Brian Clough
  8. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is. ~Kevin Keegan
  9. I’m out at the moment, but should you be the chairman of Barcelona, AC Milan or Real Madrid, I’ll get straight back to you. The rest can wait. ~Joe Kinnear
  10. I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the world. But I was in the top one. ~Brian Clough
  11. I never comment on referees, and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. ~Ron Atkinson
  12. It’s definitely hit Defoe’s hand as it’s gone in, but it’s not a handball for me. ~Michael Owen
  13. What a shot, that’s completely unstoppable but the keepers got to do better for me. ~Michael Owen
  14. I’ve had 14 bookings this season, eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable. ~Paul Gascoigne
  15. If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  16. I’d been ill and hardly trained for a week and I’d been out of the team for three weeks before that. So I wasn’t sharp. I got cramp before half-time as well. But I’m not one to make excuses. ~Clinton Morrison
  17. Djimi Traore had to adapt to the English game, and he did that by going out on loan to Lens last season. ~ Ian Rush
  18. I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. ~George Best
  19. My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about seven. ~David Beckham
  20. Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match. ~Ian Wright
  21. What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in football? ~Stuart Hall
  22. I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock. ~Barry Venison
  23. I am a firm believer that, if you score one goal, the other team have to score two to win. ~Howard Wilkinson
  24. If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. ~Terry Venables
  25. I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet. ~David Beckham

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33 witty one-liners that will really tickle you

witty-one-linersWould you like a few witty one-liners to brighten your day dear reader?

Well, I’ve got an excellent selection for you today.

Once again I’ve been trawling my journals to put together a collection of witty one-liners that I’m confident you’ll enjoy.

These have all been collected over time and I can’t be sure who the originators were, so I can’t provide an acknowledgement on this occasion. However, if you have any ideas, please let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy them all and, please do share them with your friends.

Witty one-liners:

  1. Bad puns? That’s how eye roll.
  2. My patience has stretch marks.
  3. If you need an ark, I Noah guy.  
  4. Is a Will defined as a dead giveaway?
  5. Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.
  6. I used to be a banker but I lost interest. 
  7. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  8. Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at! 
  9. Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
  10. Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up.
  11. How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
  12. I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
  13. I wanted to grow herbs but I couldn’t find the thyme.
  14. Simba was walking too slowly so I told him to Mufasa
  15. I used to sell computer parts but then I lost my drive.
  16. The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
  17. Gravity jokes are getting old but I fall for them every time.
  18. Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? She’d mislaid them. 
  19. Do people who climb the world’s highest mountain ever rest?
  20. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
  21. I tried to make a belt out of watches but it was a waist of time.
  22. If a priest blesses an avocado does it become Holy Guacamole?
  23. I used to be a transplant surgeon but my heart just wasn’t in it.
  24. Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.
  25. England doesn’t have a kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.
  26. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
  27. I was going to look for my missing watch but I couldn’t find the time. 
  28. I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
  29. Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
  30. BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes in France. Nothing left but de Brie!
  31. Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work. There were red flags everywhere.
  32. I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
  33. Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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23 amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld to brighten your day

amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Photo by Alan Light

Today I’ve put together some amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld.

Most readers will know that Jerry Seinfeld is an American comedian and probably best known as the star of the successful US sitcom Seinfeld, in which he played a semi-fictionalized version of himself.

Much more than this, Jerry Seinfeld is a hugely successful actor, writer, producer, and director.

As a stand-up comedian, he specializes in observational comedy, which I love, and I would rate him as one of the best comedians of all time.

So take a moment or two to enjoy all of these amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld, and if you like them then please pass them on.

Amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld:

  1. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
  2. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
  3. Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
  4. The IRS! They’re like the Mafia. They can take anything they want!
  5. My theory is that 98 per cent of all human endeavour is killing time.
  6. I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.
  7. To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.
  8. Make no mistake about why these babies are here. They’re here to replace us.
  9. That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
  10. My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
  11. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.
  12. A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
  13. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’ 
  14. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  15. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not colour, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
  16. Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
  17. The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‘Bye!’
  18. Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
  19. Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That’s when you know the most, you’ve seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.
  20. We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
  21. I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything, which as you know always leads to something, cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
  22. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’ 
  23. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. 

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15 Quotes by Dr Seuss that are an inspiration to all

Quotes by Dr SeussTheodor Seuss Geisel, better known by his pen name Doctor Seuss, was an American author, political cartoonist, poet, animator, book publisher, and artist, famous for authoring more than 60 children’s books.

Through his work, he left the world with his indelible spirit imprinted on the pages of his many famous books.

His wisdom and humour remain timeless and it is beloved by children all over the world.

Dr Seuss’s work is unlikely to be forgotten and it’ll continue to capture readers’ imagination for generations to come.

Here are 15 quotes by Dr Seuss that are an inspiration for everyone.

Quotes by Dr Seuss:

  1. Only you can control your future.
  2. Take every chance. Drop every fear.
  3. A person’s a person, no matter how small.
  4. Why fit in when you were born to stand out?
  5. You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.
  6. If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good.
  7. It’s not about what it is; it’s about what it can become.
  8. Today I shall behave as if this is the day I will be remembered.
  9. To the world, you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
  10. With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
  11. Sometimes you’ll never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.
  12. Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.
  13. You’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way!
  14. You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go.
  15. Life’s too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don’t and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

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30 sharp and funny quotes by George Carlin

Funny-Quotes-by-George-CarlinToday I thought it would be a good idea to look back at some funny quotes by George Carlin.

The late George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, philosopher, author, and social critic. He’s probably best known for his sardonic, irreverent wit and his reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various other taboo subjects.

Sadly George Carlin died on June 28, 2008, in Santa Monica, CA. He was 71 years old.

I loved his irreverent wit and I thought he was a very funny man.

If you’re unfamiliar with his work, then it’s worth checking out some of the many videos of his performances that you’ll find on YouTube.

So, here are 30 funny quotes by George Carlin that I’m confident will get you thinking about life, the universe and everything.

Funny quotes by George Carlin (1-15):

  1. I think I am, therefore, I am … I think.
  2. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
  3. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  4. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  5. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
  6. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  7. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
  8. When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.
  9. One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.
  10. The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  11. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
  12. ‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
  13. Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
  14. Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
  15. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

Funny quotes by George Carlin (16-25):

  1. Quotes-by-George-CarlinThink of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
  2. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
  3. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  4. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
  5. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
  6. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
  7. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
  8. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
  9. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
  10. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Funny quotes by George Carlin (26-30):

  1. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
  2. Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
  3. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s 2’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
  4. Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
  5. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

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What is life’s most precious resource?

Life's most precious resourceTo realize the value of one year: Ask a student who has failed a final exam. To realize the value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of one minute: Ask a person who has missed a train, a bus or a plane. To realize the value of one millisecond: Ask the person who has won a silver medal at the Olympics. Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special. ~Author Unknown

Life’s most precious resource:

What is life’s most precious resource, dear reader?

Now many readers might say money.

However, think about it for a second.

Certainly, money is an essential resource, particularly in the modern age. And for most people, there’s never quite enough.

Nevertheless, you can always get more money. You can start a business; you can earn a bigger salary; you could win the lottery; you could even sell some of your possessions, if necessary.

So in that sense money is not a limited resource. You can get more of it.

The importance of time:

If money’s not the most precious resource, how about time?

We often fail to appreciate the significance of time and most of us can be quite wasteful of it, at least occasionally.

When you think about it, time is a very limited resource. We’re all limited to just 168 hours per week, whether we like it or not.

None of us can get more hours than that each week however wealthy we may be. We cannot buy more time, can we?

And we’re only on this Earth for a finite amount of time too.

Precious commodity:

So if we can’t get any more, time must be a very precious commodity. In fact, it must be our most precious commodity.

It’s the only commodity we cannot get more of, so it’s got to be more precious than anything else, surely?

Therefore if time is so precious we must use it wisely, surely?

We must guard it carefully. And we must never allow other people to waste our time, certainly if our aim is to achieve anything of significance in life.

Never give your time away cheaply:

Just because someone asks for a piece of your time, that does not imply an obligation on you to give it to them automatically.

People are entitled to make such a request, of course. However, it’s perfectly reasonable for you to think about it very carefully before you decide whether to agree to their request.

And it’s perfectly reasonable for you to say NO if you don’t consider what is being asked of you the best use of your time.

If a NO is the most appropriate response from your standpoint then so be it.

Remember, it’s your time:

NO is the most powerful time management tool you have at your disposal.

It’s perfectly legitimate for you to have your own aims and your own agenda and your time should be allocated in such a way that you can achieve whatever it is you’re trying to achieve. So never be afraid to say NO.

Always be polite of course but guard your time very carefully.

And remember this; it’s your time and you decide how it’s best used.

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Thank you for your support.

Editor’s Note: Today’s quote was originally featured on the website www.JuanUlloa.com and I thank Juan Ulloa for sharing it.

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15 classic quotes by William Shakespeare to inspire you

Quotes by William ShakespeareThere can be few people who are unfamiliar with the name William Shakespeare. He was, of course, a playwright and one of the giants of English literature.

The Bard of Avon, as he was known, is widely regarded as the world’s pre-eminent dramatist and the greatest writer in the English language.

Shakespeare’s works, including his collaborations, consist of approximately 39 plays, 154 sonnets, two long narrative poems, and a few other verses, some of uncertain authorship.

William Shakespeare’s plays have been translated into every major living language, and they are performed more often than those of any other playwright.

Quotes by William Shakespeare are well known and most readers will be familiar with them. However, I make no apology for making Shakespeare’s quotes the subject of today’s post.

If you hear a great song that inspires you, you don’t say, “Right, heard it once. That’s enough!

No, you listen to it over and over again. In that way, you’re inspired constantly.

And so it is with thought-provoking quotes like those of Shakespeare.

They are worth reading over and over again to help you reflect on life’s meaning and to be inspired.

So here are 15 quotes by William Shakespeare to inspire you, dear reader.

Quotes by William Shakespeare:

  1. To thine own self be true. ~William Shakespeare
  2. All that glitters is not gold. ~William Shakespeare
  3. Nothing will come of nothing. ~William Shakespeare
  4. Lord, what fools these mortals be! ~William Shakespeare
  5. If music be the food of love play on. ~William Shakespeare
  6. The better part of valour is discretion. ~William Shakespeare
  7. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. ~William Shakespeare
  8. The course of true love never did run smooth. ~William Shakespeare
  9. We know what we are, but know not what we may be. ~William Shakespeare
  10. How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child! ~William Shakespeare
  11. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. ~William Shakespeare
  12. Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste death but once. ~William Shakespeare
  13. If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? ~William Shakespeare
  14. The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones. ~William Shakespeare
  15. All the world‘s a stage, and all the men and women are merely players. They have their exits and entrances, and one man plays many parts in his time. ~William Shakespeare

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15 sharp and sometimes witty quotes by Mark Twain

Quotes by Mark TwainSamuel Langhorne Clemens is better known to us all by his pen name, Mark Twain.

In my opinion, he was one of the greatest American writers, as well as a humorist, entrepreneur, publisher and lecturer.

In short, he was a major talent and much of what he had to say is worthy of our attention.

So here are 15 quotes by Mark Twain to emphasise my point.

Quotes by Mark Twain:

  1. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. ~Mark Twain
  2. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ~Mark Twain
  3. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. ~Mark Twain
  4. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ~Mark Twain
  5. A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read. ~Mark Twain
  6. The secret of getting ahead is getting started. ~Mark Twain
  7. Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. ~Mark Twain
  8. Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered – either by themselves or by others. ~Mark Twain
  9. Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. ~Mark Twain
  10. Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. ~Mark Twain
  11. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. ~Mark Twain
  12. The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. ~Mark Twain
  13. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. ~Mark Twain
  14. The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. ~Mark Twain
  15. I never let schooling interfere with my education. ~Mark Twain

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37 funny comebacks for dealing with rude people

funny comebacksThe art of funny comebacks is one well worth developing.

We all have to deal with rude comments and mean, spiteful people occasionally. That’s all part of human existence.

However how often do you wish you had a suitable response ready to go to put such people firmly in their place?

If only you had a stock of funny comebacks to choose from when situations dictate?

Well here are 37 funny comebacks that you might find useful when you’re faced with dealing with rude, mean or difficult people. How many of these can you work into your day, today?

If there are any of these funny comebacks that you particularly like then please share this post with your friends but not before you’ve enjoyed them all first.

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Funny Comebacks:

  1. You know you really should buy some breath mints? 
  2. I have better things to do than listen to you.
  3. Whoever told you to be yourself has given you bad advice.
  4. I don’t care what everyone else says, I don’t think you’re that bad.
  5. Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
  6. I believed in evolution until I met you.
  7. Have you ever wondered why people don’t like you?
  8. I accept I’m not perfect but at least I’m not you. 
  9. If ignorance is bliss, then you must be the happiest person on the planet.
  10. You always bring me so much joy, the minute you leave the room.
  11. I don’t need a proctologist to tell me you’re an asshole.
  12. I’m not a cactus expert but I do know a prick when I see one.
  13. I would explain it to you but I have neither the time nor the crayons! 
  14. Sorry, buddy but I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
  15. Look, if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I had to do was fart.
  16. If only your dad had used a condom, the world would be a better place.
  17. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Take a day off and give the rest of us a break.
  18. Everyone said you were unpleasant but I didn’t believe them ……. until now.
  19. Sorry but you’re confusing me with someone who actually cares about what you think.
  20. Are you always such an idiot or do you just like to show off when I’m around?
  21. I understand what you’re saying but if I agreed with you then we’d both be wrong.
  22. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Well, me neither.
  24. No wonder everyone talks about you behind your back.
  25. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it and remove all doubt.
  26. Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.
  27. I don’t remember asking for your opinion.
  28. I was going to give you a nasty look but I can see you’ve already got one.
  29. I’m busy, you’re ugly. Have a nice day.
  30. Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a personality for sale?
  31. I hope you step on a Lego with your bare feet. 
  32. You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.
  33. Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else would you be able to understand me?
  34. You can keep rolling your eyes if you must but you’re unlikely to find a brain back there.
  35. I don’t know what your problem is but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
  36. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
  37. You sir are a human version of period cramps.

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