22 bad puns that are so bad they’re funny

bad-punsI love puns, as you may have seen in some previous blog posts. The clever use of words always makes me smile. Whether they’re good puns or bad puns they usually make me laugh.

Well, today I’m focusing on some bad puns for a change.

Here are 22 bad puns which consider why so many professionals never die.

I hope they brighten your day and or at least don’t make you groan too much. Enjoy them all now.

Bad Puns: 

  1. Old owls never die they just don’t give a hoot.
  2. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
  3. Old sculptors never die they just lose their marbles.
  4. Old professors never die they just lose their class.
  5. Old limbo dancers never die they just go under.
  6. Old chemists never die they just fail to react.
  7. Old mathematicians never die they just disintegrate.
  8. Old investors never die they just rollover.
  9. Old printers never die they’re just not the type.
  10. Old sanitation engineers never die they’re just dumped.
  11. Old police officers never die they just cop-out.
  12. Old bankers never die they just lose interest.
  13. Old sewage workers never die they just waste away.
  14. Old electricians never die they just lose contact.
  15. Old accountants never die they just lose their figures.
  16. Old photographers never die they just stop developing.
  17. Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
  18. Old tailors never die they just get stitched up.
  19. Old chauffeurs never die they just lose their drive.
  20. Old quarterbacks never die they just pass away.
  21. Old cleaners never die they just kick the bucket.
  22. Old cooks never die they just get deranged.

bad-punsCan you add another one?

On the theme of old professionals never dying, can you add another one to this list?

Maybe you could make one up and entertain our readers? Perhaps a pun related to your own profession or hobby? I’ll bet you can dear reader.

Go on, have a go at writing one of your own and send it to me via the Contact Page.

The page will then be updated and you’ll get a full acknowledgement on this post for your contribution

I’m confident readers will have lots of great ideas. So go on, let me have them ow.

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I hope these puns made you laugh dear reader. However, perhaps you feel that you could use another laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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15 Funny quotes on friendship that’ll raise a smile

Funny-quotes-on-friendshipIf you’re lucky enough to have one good friend then you are richer than you imagine and if you have two then you’re truly blessed.

Friendship is a relationship of equals.

Real friends are people with whom you have a lot in common, especially when it comes to things that make you laugh and those times when you enjoy getting silly.

True friends are people who know all your faults but accept you as you are anyway.

Not everyone with whom you have a friendly relationship is a true friend. Some people are just very good acquaintances.

A real friend is someone you could phone at 3 am when you’re in trouble and know they’d be out to help you in a heartbeat.

Such people are worth their weight in gold and you should never take them for granted. They’re special and you should appreciate them being in your life because not everyone is quite so lucky.

Here are 15 funny quotes on friendship that for me touch on the very essence of what it all means.

Funny quotes on friendship:

  1. Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
  2. Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.
  3. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.
  4. When our phones fall, we panic. When our friends fall, we laugh.
  5. If you have crazy friends you have everything you’ll ever need.
  6. Never let your best friends get lonely. Keep disturbing them.
  7. You have a problem when your imaginary friend thinks he has a problem.
  8. There’s nothing better than a good friend, except for a good friend with chocolate.
  9. Friends come and go, like waves on the ocean, but the true friends stay like an octopus on your face.
  10. A best friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find, but you’re lucky if you have one.
  11. Laughing is one of the best exercises. It’s like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it’s even better with a friend.
  12. I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous, but a super humid room. Well not too humid, because you know, my hair.
  13. I love making friends. I usually prefer to make them out of plaster and give them funny-looking hats.
  14. Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl’s best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake.
  15. I hope we’re good friends until we die, then I hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through walls and scare people.

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15 Quotes by Groucho Marx to amuse you

Quotes-by-Groucho-MarxGroucho Marx, born Julius Henry Marx, was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio and television star and part of the successful and immensely popular comedy act known as The Marx Brothers.

Groucho was known for his quick wit and he is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era.

With his siblings the Marx Brothers, Groucho Marx made 13 feature films but he also had a successful solo career in radio and television.

Here are 15 quotes by Groucho Marx which illustrate his quick wit.

Quotes by Groucho Marx:

  1. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you’ve got it made. ~Groucho Marx
  2. I intend to live forever or die trying. ~Groucho Marx
  3. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. ~Groucho Marx
  4. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. ~Groucho Marx
  5. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. ~Groucho Marx
  6. No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early. ~Groucho Marx
  7. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others. ~Groucho Marx
  8. I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ~Groucho Marx
  9. Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. ~Groucho Marx
  10. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. ~Groucho Marx
  11. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~Groucho Marx
  12. There’s one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him. If he says, yes, you know he’s a crook. ~Groucho Marx
  13. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ~Groucho Marx
  14. Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me? ~Groucho Marx
  15. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? ~Groucho Marx

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21 quotes about relationships to enlighten you a little

quotes-about-relationshipsPeople! We can’t live with them but we can’t live without them either.

While they can be frustrating we are social animals, so we need people and relationships.

The more we understand about relationships the more likely we’ll be in a position to form and sustain successful relationships.

Hence today’s blog post with 21 thought-provoking quotes about relationships to help you ponder and improve your understanding of one of life’s trickier aspects.

Now some people struggle to form successful relationships, whilst others seem to enjoy perfect relationships all the time. Well, don’t be fooled by appearances.

All relationships can be tricky because we all have this romantic notion about what the perfect relationship should look like. That notion may be romantic but it’s also inaccurate.

Perfect relationships don’t exist.

Consequently, relationships take time, effort and compromise. We must work at them constantly to keep them healthy and beneficial.

Furthermore, we must recognise that for a relationship to work it must be balanced. The dynamics within the relationship must be in equilibrium.

By that, I mean that within any relationship both parties must feel their needs are being met.

Where the dynamic within a relationship favours one side or the other then this breeds resentment and frustration. That in turn results in friction and disharmony within the relationship, which can be damaging of course.

No one can have it all their own way all the time. Compromise is essential.

However, compromise shouldn’t be to the point whereby you’re actively working against your own interests.

It would never make sense to do anything that works against our own interests. If we don’t look after our own interests, then no one else will.

So here are those 21 thought-provoking quotes about relationships, I hope you find them interesting, dear reader.

Quotes about relationships (1-13):

  1. A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. ~Mae West
  2. When you don’t talk, there’s a lot of stuff that ends up not getting said. ~Catherine Gilbert Murdock
  3. When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are. ~Donald Miller
  4. The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too. ~Ernest Hemingway
  5. For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first. ~Suzanne Collins
  6. Cheating and lying aren’t struggles; they’re reasons to break up. ~Patti Callahan Henry
  7. I suffer from girl-next-door-itis where the guy is friends with you and that’s it. ~Taylor Swift
  8. I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me. ~Steve Maraboli
  9. Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside. ~Sarah Dessen
  10. Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike. ~JK Rowling
  11. It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favourite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party. ~Nick Hornby
  12. The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. ~CG Jung
  13. There is greatness in doing something you hate for the sake of someone you love. ~Shmuley Boteach

Quotes about relationships (14-21):

  1. Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys. ~Nicholas Sparks
  2. I know enough to know that no woman should ever marry a man who hated his mother. ~Martha Gellhorn
  3. People like to say love is unconditional, but it’s not, and even if it was unconditional, it’s still never free. There’s always an expectation attached. They always want something in return. Like they want you to be happy or whatever and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won’t be happy unless you are. I just don’t want that responsibility. ~Katja Millay
  4. To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect. ~Criss Jami
  5. Every couple have their ups and downs, every couple argues and that’s the thing; you’re a couple and couples can’t function without trust. ~Nicholas Sparks
  6. If a girl starts out all casual with a guy and she doesn’t tell him that she wants a relationship, it will never become a relationship. If you give the guy the impression that casual is okay with you, then that’s all he’ll ever want. Be straight with him from the start. If he gets scared and runs away, he wasn’t right for you. ~Susane Colasanti
  7. Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~Bill Maher
  8. What we wait around a lifetime for with one person, we can find in a moment with someone else. ~Stephanie Klein

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15 Quotes by David Brent to brighten your day

Quotes-by-David-BrentIf Ricky Gervais’s monologue at the Golden Globes 2020 made you cringe then take a look at some quotes by his alter ego, David Brent. These are even more memorable

Who could forget the cringe-worthy David Brent from the original, UK version of the situation comedy The Office?

When it first hit our screens The Office was both original and very funny.

Here are 15 quotes by David Brent to remind you of just what a clever comic creation he was at the time.

These quotes made me smile and I hope they make you smile too dear reader.

Quotes by David Brent:

  1. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue. ~David Brent
  2. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s? ~David Brent
  3. Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them. ~David Brent
  4. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but it was just some b*stard with a torch bringing me more work. ~David Brent
  5. If at first, you don’t succeed, remove all evidence that you ever tried. ~David Brent
  6. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves. ~David Brent
  7. You have to be 100% behind someone before you can stab them in the back. ~David Brent
  8. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation. ~David Brent
  9. If you’re gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes, make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast. ~David Brent
  10. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk. ~David Brent
  11. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow. ~David Brent
  12. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability. ~David Brent
  13. Statistics are like a lamp post to a drunken man, more for leaning on than illumination. ~David Brent
  14. There may be no ‘I’ in team but there’s a ‘ME’ if you look hard enough. ~David Brent
  15. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he’s got something to eat and he won’t die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts. ~David Brent

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5 philosophical quotes about getting old

philosophical-quotes-about-getting-oldMany people worry themselves silly when they think about getting old. However let’s face it, getting old is better than the alternative, isn’t it?

Yes, as we get older we get more aches and pains and we slow down a little. That’s natural. However, for me, the idea of getting old is really just a state of mind.

And what do I mean by that statement?

Well, we’re all getting older every minute of every day but do we have to get old? I think it’s all down to our personal philosophy.

By that I mean, it’s all down to how we choose to look at things. As long as we can retain enthusiasm for life and embrace all things new then we’re not old at all, in my opinion. Older yes, but not old.

Old is when you’ve had enough of life and you’re ready to embrace the Grim Reaper.

And I hope for you dear reader that will be a long, long way off.

In the meantime, here are 5 philosophical quotes about getting old to help you put it all into perspective.

philosophical-quotes-about-getting-oldPhilosophical quotes about getting old:

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young. ~Henry Ford

We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. ~George Bernard Shaw

Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you. ~Ogden Nash

The old believe everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything. ~Oscar Wilde

I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, ‘How many good things have you done in your life?’ rather he will ask, ‘How much love did you put into what you did?’ ~Mother Teresa

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10 memorable lines from the movies to make you smile

memorable-lines-from-the-moviesI love the movies and I love all the clever lines that are so memorable.

So today I thought it would be a good idea to share with you 10 memorable lines from the movies.

I think these are some of the best lines of all time:-

Memorable lines from the movies:

  1. I’ll Have What She’s Having. ~When Harry Met Sally (1989)
  2. It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage. ~Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
  3. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. ~Animal House (1978)
  4. Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the War Room! ~Dr Strangelove (1964)
  5. There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. ~The First Wives Club (1996)
  6. There’s only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples’ cultures and the Dutch. ~Goldmember (2002)
  7. I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day he tells me it’s my fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him. Yeah, I did a little jail time but it was worth it. ~Living Out Loud (1998)
  8. There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? ~Airplane! (1980)
  9. Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m a schizophrenic and so am I. ~What About Bob? (1991)
  10. You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk. ~Dirty Harry (1971)

And a bonus memorable line from television:

I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? ~Chandler Bing, Friends

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Were these some of the most memorable lines of all time?

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15 classic quotes by Yogi Berra that’ll make you think

Quotes-by-Yogi-BerraYogi Berra was a man with a memorable turn of phrase. He had his own unique way of making a point. Today I offer you 15 quotes by Yogi Berra to illustrate my point.

Born Lorenzo Pietro Berra to Italian immigrants, Yogi Berra was an American professional baseball player.

He was a catcher, who later took on the roles of manager and coach.

He played 19 seasons in Major League Baseball, all but the last for the New York Yankees.

If you’re looking for memorable quotes to use in a presentation then quotes by Yogi Berra would be an excellent choice I think.

They always nail an underlying point whilst being concise and memorable.

Read on and see if you agree with me.

Quotes by Yogi Berra:

  1. It ain’t over till it’s over. ~Yogi Berra
  2. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. ~Yogi Berra
  3. You can observe a lot by watching. ~Yogi Berra
  4. The future ain’t what it used to be. ~Yogi Berra
  5. It’s like deja-vu, all over again. ~Yogi Berra
  6. When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. ~Yogi Berra
  7. You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you. ~Yogi Berra
  8. If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be. ~Yogi Berra
  9. Even Napoleon had his Watergate. ~Yogi Berra
  10. There are some people who, if they don’t already know, you can’t tell ’em. ~Yogi Berra
  11. If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else. ~Yogi Berra
  12. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. ~Yogi Berra
  13. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. ~Yogi Berra
  14. I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did. ~Yogi Berra
  15. I tell the kids, somebody’s gotta win, somebody’s gotta lose. Just don’t fight about it. Just try to get better. ~Yogi Berra

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Here are 21 of the best one-liners ever. You’ll love Number 14

best-one-liners-everToday I offer you some of the best one-liners ever. Well, they are in my opinion, at least.

I love a great one-liner and these are all brilliant. They’re amusing, sharp and very witty. I hope at least one or two of them will brighten your day.

So take a couple of minutes and enjoy them all.

Best one-liners ever:

  1. Am I indecisive? I’m not sure.
  2. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  3. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
  4. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  5. A clean house suggests there’s no WiFi.
  6. Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.
  7. It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
  8. I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
  9. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  10. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic.
  11. You say you’re a compulsive liar but I don’t believe you.
  12. Since I had my neck-brace fitted I’ve never looked back.
  13. A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.
  14. You shouldn’t laugh at your wife’s choices because you’re one of them.
  15. You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon fails to return home then what you’ve actually lost is a pigeon.
  16. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving once, but you will need one to go twice.
  17. I love to hold hands at the movies but for some reason, strangers sitting next to me never seem that keen.
  18. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you’ll look forward to the trip.
  19. Is it true that the security guys at the Samsung Store are known as Guardians of the Galaxy?
  20. You know they’re your friends when you walk into their home and you connect to the WiFi automatically.
  21. The absurdity of the sexual act is God’s way of reminding us that he really does have a sense of humor.

best-one-liners-everEnjoyed these one-liners? 

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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21 amusing one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

amusing-one-linersDo you enjoy a good one-liner dear reader? You do? Then there are 21 amusing one-liners here that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile, so I’m hoping at least one or two of them will appeal to you too.

Take a few minutes to appreciate the art of the one-liner and see if you can work any of these lines into your day.

Amusing one-liners:

  1. Velcro is such a rip-off.
  2. Those who laugh last think slowest.
  3. With money only too much is enough.
  4. Your job is secure if no one else wants it.
  5. Dropped toast always lands jam-side down.
  6. Why is it that everyone my age is older than me?
  7. Sarcasm is the body’s natural shield against stupidity.
  8. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  9. Make love, not war. If you want to do both, get married.
  10. There’s no such thing as arriving fashionably late in Crocs.
  11. I used to have a bandwagon but people kept jumping on it.
  12. Two French cheese trucks collided. De brie was everywhere.
  13. Relationships are like algebra. You look at your X and ask Y.
  14. You’re emotionally constipated if you haven’t given a shit for days.
  15. I’ve thought of buying a burial plot but it’s really the last thing I need.
  16. If the grass is greener on the other side then the water bill will be higher too.
  17. Whoever said nothing’s impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  18. Playing bridge is like sex. If you haven’t got a good partner you’ll need a good hand.
  19. Before you question forward planning remember, it wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
  20. I entered everything I’d eaten into my fitness app and immediately it sent an ambulance to my house.
  21. Eat sensibly, exercise and don’t drink alcohol if you want to live long enough to spend your last few years in a care home.

amusing-one-linersEnjoyed these one-liners?

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If it made you smile then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

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