35 Quotes by CS Lewis that are thought-provoking

Today, I thought it would be interesting to explore some quotes by CS Lewis.

Clive Staples Lewis was a British writer and lay theologian. At various times, he held academic positions in English literature at both the University of Oxford and the University of Cambridge in England.

CS Lewis is probably best known for his works of fiction, especially The Chronicles of Narnia and The Space Trilogy, as well as his nonfiction works.

Lewis wrote more than 30 books, which have been translated into more than 30 languages and have sold millions of copies.

He was a successful man, and, as I always say, it’s a good idea to listen to successful people.

So here are 35 quotes by CS Lewis. I hope you find them both interesting and thought-provoking.

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Quotes by CS Lewis
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Quotes by CS Lewis (1-15):

  1. We are what we believe we are.
  2. Joy is the serious business of Heaven.
  3. No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
  4. Miracles do not, in fact, break the laws of nature.
  5. An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason.
  6. It’s so much easier to pray for a bore than to go and see one.
  7. Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours.
  8. I sometimes wonder whether all pleasures are not substitutes for joy.
  9. You can’t get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me.
  10. With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere.
  11. Reason is the natural order of truth, but imagination is the organ of meaning.
  12. How incessant and great are the ills with which prolonged old age is replete?
  13. The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles but to irrigate deserts.
  14. I think that all things, in their way, reflect heavenly truth, the imagination not least.
  15. Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.

Quotes by CS Lewis (16-25):

  1. The real problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not.
  2. Let’s pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.
  3. Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.
  4. Always prefer the plain direct word to the long, vague one. Don’t implement promises, but keep them.
  5. Failures, repeated failures, are finger posts on the road to achievement. One fails forward toward success.
  6. Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.
  7. The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.
  8. Thirty was so strange for me. I’ve really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult.
  9. This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.
  10. Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.

Quotes by CS Lewis (26-30):

  1. Always try to use the language so as to make quite clear what you mean and make sure your sentence couldn’t mean anything else.
  2. What we call Man’s power over Nature turns out to be a power exercised by some men over other men with Nature as its instrument.
  3. A dogmatic belief in objective value is necessary to the very idea of a rule which is not tyranny or an obedience that is not slavery.
  4. If I find in myself a desire that no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.
  5. History isn’t just the story of bad people doing bad things. It’s quite as much a story of people trying to do good things. But somehow, something goes wrong.

Quotes by CS Lewis (31-35):

  1. Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say ‘infinitely’ when you mean ‘very’; otherwise, you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.
  2. We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.
  3. It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.
  4. ‘The Lion’ all began with a picture of a faun carrying an umbrella and parcels in a snowy wood. This picture had been in my mind since I was about sixteen. Then one day, when I was about forty, I said to myself, ‘Let’s try to make a story about it.’
  5. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.
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25 astute quotes by Napoleon Bonaparte to inspire you

25 Quotes by Napoleon Bonaparte

Today, I am exploring quotes by Napoleon Bonaparte.

For any readers unfamiliar with European history, Napoleon Bonaparte was a French military and political leader who rose to prominence during the French Revolution and led several successful campaigns during the Revolutionary Wars.

Ultimately defeated at the Battle of Waterloo in June 1815, he was subsequently exiled by the British to the remote island of Saint Helena in the South Atlantic, where he died in 1821 at the age of 51.

Nevertheless, he was a major influence on European history, and many of the quotations attributed to him are certainly thought-provoking.

Here are 25 quotes by Napoleon Bonaparte to illustrate my point. They’re worth reading, and my personal favourite is the first one. However, number 5 is also a pretty accurate reflection of what most of us now know to be true.

Quotes by Napoleon Bonaparte
Quote-by-Napoleon-Bonaparte
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Quotes by Napoleon Bonaparte (1-12):

  1. A leader is a dealer in hope.
  2. Imagination rules the world.
  3. An army marches on its stomach.
  4. History is a set of lies agreed upon.
  5. In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.
  6. Victory belongs to the most persevering.
  7. Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
  8. The best cure for the body is a quiet mind.
  9. If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.
  10. The surest way to remain poor is to be an honest man.
  11. There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed.
  12. Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

Quotes by Napoleon Bonaparte (13-25):

  1. Men are moved by two levers only: fear and self-interest.
  2. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
  3. A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of coloured ribbon.
  4. Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.
  5. Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.
  6. I can no longer obey; I have tasted command, and I cannot give it up.
  7. Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.
  8. If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.
  9. History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
  10. Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious than to be able to decide.
  11. You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your art of war.
  12. There are only two forces in the world, the sword and the spirit. In the long run, the sword will always be conquered by the spirit.
  13. Great ambition is the passion of a great character. Those endowed with it may perform very good or very bad acts. All depends on the principles which direct them.
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21 Quotes by Maya Angelou to inspire you

Today I am exploring quotes by Maya Angelou.

If you’re unfamiliar with the late Maya Angelou, she was an American poet, writer, and civil rights activist.

She has published numerous autobiographies, books of essays, and books of poetry and was credited with a list of plays, movies, and television shows spanning over 50 years.

For me, she was an inspiring thinker, and I admire her work.

Here are 21 quotes by Maya Angelou to illustrate why I believe she was an inspiration to us all.

Quotes-by-Maya-Angelou
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Quotes by Maya Angelou (1-11):

  1. Nothing will work unless you do.
  2. All great achievements require time.
  3. We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated.
  4. If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love.
  5. There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
  6. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
  7. If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded.
  8. A wise woman wishes to be no one’s enemy; a wise woman refuses to be anyone’s victim.
  9. If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.
  10. You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
  11. The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.

Quotes by Maya Angelou (12-21):

  1. Prejudice is a burden that confuses the past, threatens the future, and renders the present inaccessible.
  2. Whatever you want to do, if you want to be great at it, you have to love it and be able to make sacrifices for it.
  3. Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.
  4. Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.
  5. I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side, be an advocate for myself and others like me.
  6. My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour and some style.
  7. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
  8. It is impossible to struggle for civil rights, equal rights for blacks, without including whites. Because equal rights, fair play, justice, are all like the air: we all have it, or none of us has it. That is the truth of it.
  9. You are the sum total of everything you’ve ever seen, heard, eaten, smelled, been told, forgot; it’s all there. Everything influences each of us, and because of that, I try to make sure that my experiences are positive.
  10. I’m convinced of this: Good done anywhere is good done everywhere. For a change, start by speaking to people rather than walking by them like they’re stones that don’t matter. As long as you’re breathing, it’s never too late to do some good.
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21 quotes about life for you to reflect on what matters

Today, I want to explore some quotes about life.

What is life all about? That’s a question we all ask ourselves occasionally.

It seems that we are all constantly seeking the meaning of life. That’s why quotes about life are so popular with people.

For some people, life can be very hard, while others appear to lead a charmed life seemingly without any problems at all.

However, never judge a person’s situation at face value. In reality, everyone has problems and challenges. Everyone struggles, at least occasionally.

No one goes through life without being tested from time to time.

Just because people don’t appear to have problems doesn’t mean they live problem-free lives.

However, it is through life’s challenges that our characters are formed. All you can do is take a philosophical approach to life and enjoy the ride.

If you’re searching for meaning today, then here are 21 thought-provoking quotes about life to help you reflect and think about what matters most to you and yours:

Quotes about life
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Quotes about life:

  1. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  2. To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist; that is all. ~Oscar Wilde
  3. The most important thing is to enjoy your life, and to be happy, it’s all that matters. ~Audrey Hepburn
  4. Monsters are real and ghosts are real too. They live inside us and sometimes they win. ~Stephen King
  5. Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
  6. Life’s under no obligation to give us what we expect. ~Margaret Mitchell
  7. Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. ~Sophia Loren
  8. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. ~Rita Mae Brown
  9. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. ~Steve Jobs
  10. Life is to be enjoyed, not endured. ~Gordon B. Hinckley
  11. The more I see, the less I know for sure. ~John Lennon
  12. You cannot find peace by avoiding life. ~Michael Cunningham
  13. May you live every day of your life. ~Jonathan Swift
  14. Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, ‘It might have been.’ ~John Greenleaf Whittier
  15. You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love. ~Author Unknown
  16. I didn’t get there by wishing for it or hoping for it but by working for it. ~Estee Lauder
  17. I can accept failure, everyone fails at something, but I cannot accept not trying. ~Michael Jordan
  18. I’m the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to. ~Jimi Hendrix
  19. The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy. ~Kalu Ndukwe Kalu
  20. Whenever you want to achieve something, keep your eyes open, concentrate, and make sure you know exactly what it is you want. No one can hit their target with their eyes closed. ~Paulo Coelho
  21. This life is what you make it. No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends; they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything; they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters, make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them, actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soulmate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole, and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about. ~Marilyn Monroe

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1 question to ask: Why is my life so bad right now?

Why is my life so bad right now? Have you ever asked yourself that question?

Perhaps you feel you deserve something better from life? Perhaps your life isn’t all you’d like it to be. Do you want more, possibly?

Does today’s question resonate with you, dear reader?

You look around and see people enjoying the sort of life you’d like, and you can’t help but wonder how it’s all working out for them but not for you.

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Who’s at fault?

If you feel this way, then you’re not alone; that much is certain.

However, if you do feel this way, do you ever wonder who’s at fault for your life failing to meet your expectations?

Perhaps you feel the fault lies with your parents or the teachers you had at school?

Maybe you feel the fault lies with your boss or your employer.

They didn’t provide you with the proper training, or you didn’t get the breaks when there was an opportunity for promotion? Someone else got the promotion simply because they were well in with the boss, right? Perhaps you feel that you were a better candidate than them, and yet they got the job? Life can be so unfair, right?

Well, my friend, I have to tell you that if your life sucks, there’s only one person you can blame. Just look in any mirror, and you will see that person staring right back at you.

We’re responsible for our own lives, and our lives will always be what we choose to make of them.

Yes, you may have had a few bad breaks in life. Yes, perhaps your parents and/or teachers could have been better. So what? Life’s still what you choose to make it.

I’m not suggesting that anything is easy, and, of course, there will always be challenges. Nevertheless, there will always be opportunities for the enterprising and fleet-footed, too. And you can choose to take some of them or not.

You have to decide what it is you want. You have to work out how to get what you want. Then, it requires determination and a lot of hard work on your part to achieve your ultimate goal.

An endless stream of opportunities:

Life is truly an endless stream of opportunities that you can choose to take or not. Look for ways to add value to the lives of others, and you’ll soon see that there are opportunities there for the taking every single day.

By providing a service and adding value to others’ lives, there’s always money to be made.

Continue to educate yourself and acquire new skills, and you’ll be able to add more value to others.

Add more value, and you’ll get paid more.

Manage the money you make wisely, and you can build your wealth over time. It can be done, and people do. So, why not you?

However, there are no shortcuts. Nothing ever happens by chance.

On rare occasions, you might get lucky, and something will fall into your lap. However, mostly you’ll have to work very hard to get what you want. You have to go out and make things happen, I’m afraid. That’s life, unfortunately.

Life and relationships:

It’s the same with relationships, too.

Find someone whom you’d be happy to have as a friend, even without intimacy, and you’ll have the basis for a healthy relationship.

Friendship and trust are essential to a good relationship. As does commitment and a willingness to put in as much as you take out.

It all starts with really knowing what you want.

Know your ‘Why?’

If you know your ‘Why?’ then that will give you the motivation you need to keep going until you get to where you want to be.

If you want it badly enough, you’ll find a way to make it happen.

That said, you have to be positive. You have to be prepared to make a few mistakes. You must also be ready to learn from those mistakes.

Never fear mistakes:

On the road to success, a few mistakes are inevitable.

However, as learning opportunities, mistakes are truly invaluable. You’ll learn much more from any mistakes you make than you will from any successes you enjoy.

That said, never allow yourself to be driven too far off course. Keep your eye on the prize you want. And never accept an answer unless it’s the one that you want.

Don’t be discouraged:

Above all, never, ever let people discourage you from pursuing your dreams and ambitions.

It doesn’t matter what other people think; the only thing that matters is what you think. It doesn’t matter whether they believe you can do it, as long as you feel you can do it.

You can be whatever you want to be, as long as you want whatever it is you think you want.

Everything is possible for those who never give up until they reach their desired destination. Life is what you make it. I can tell you that from my own experience.

You must also remember this, though: life’s not a rehearsal.

You only get to go around just once. Well, as far as we know.

So, make your life the best it can be and make the most of being you. Remember this: you’re as good as anyone and better than most.

There’s a price to be paid:

You can have the life you want, but not without hard work and commitment. There’s a price to be paid, and that price will be paid in blood, sweat, and tears. You don’t get anything for nothing, and the price must always be paid first.

If you don’t want to pay the price, then the life you lead will always fall short of your expectations. Sorry if that bothers you, but it’s a fact.

Where to start?

Don’t ask yourself, why is my life so bad right now?

A better question is, what actions do I need to take to start improving my life?

Start by making a list, setting some goals, and then you must get going.

It’s never too late to improve your situation. It’s never too late to improve your life. And it’s never too late to be all that you could be.

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15 classic quotes by William Shakespeare to inspire you

Today, I am exploring some quotes by William Shakespeare.

I’m sure there won’t be many people who are unfamiliar with the name William Shakespeare. He was, of course, a playwright and one of the giants of English literature.

The Bard of Avon, as he was known, is widely regarded as the world’s preeminent dramatist and the greatest writer in the English language.

Shakespeare’s works, including his collaborations, comprise approximately 39 plays, 154 sonnets, two long narrative poems, and a few other verses, some of which are of uncertain authorship.

William Shakespeare’s plays have been translated into every major living language, and they are performed more often than those of any other playwright.

Quotes by William Shakespeare are well known, and most readers will be familiar with them. However, I make no apology for making Shakespeare’s quotes the subject of today’s post.

If you hear a great song that inspires you, you don’t say, “Right, I’ve heard it once. That’s enough!

No, you listen to it over and over again. In that way, you’re inspired constantly.

And so it is with thought-provoking quotes like those of Shakespeare.

They are worth reading over and over again to help you reflect on life’s meaning and to be inspired.

So here are 15 quotes by William Shakespeare to inspire you, dear reader.

Quotes by William Shakespeare
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Quotes by William Shakespeare:

  1. To thine own self be true. 
  2. All that glitters is not gold. 
  3. Nothing will come of nothing. 
  4. Lord, what fools these mortals be! 
  5. If music be the food of love, play on. 
  6. The better part of valour is discretion. 
  7. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. 
  8. The course of true love never did run smooth. 
  9. We know what we are, but know not what we may be. 
  10. How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child! 
  11. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
  12. Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste death but once. 
  13. If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? 
  14. The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones. 
  15. All the world‘s a stage, and all the men and women are merely players. They have their exits and entrances, and one man plays many parts in his time. 

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9 funny short story jokes to make you laugh

If you’re looking for some funny short story jokes to make you laugh, then I think I have nine excellent ones for you today, dear reader.

If you love a good laugh, then I’m confident some of these will tickle your fancy.

So grab a coffee, relax and take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

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Funny short story jokes to make you laugh:

1. The funeral cortège:

Bill was walking along Main Street when he saw a funeral cortège, so he stopped for a moment as a mark of respect.

He noticed that there were two hearses with coffins in the cortège, and the procession was being followed by a man walking solemnly with a pit bull terrier on a leash.

And behind him, there was a long line of about 100 men walking quietly in single file.

Curious Bill spoke to the man with the dog and asked, “Excuse me, sir, I don’t want to intrude on this sad occasion, but your situation seems a little unusual. Whose funeral is this?

Well”, the man replied, “The first hearse is for my late wife. She died after this dog attacked her.

And the second hearse?” said Bill.

The second hearse is for my late mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife during the attack, and the dog savaged her to death too”, the man responded.

Bill thought momentarily about the challenges in his own life, and then he said to the man, “Is there any chance I could borrow your dog after the funeral?

The man smiled and pointed to the line of men behind him and said, “You’ll have to join the queue, buddy.

2. The power of prayer:

Jackie was invited to give a talk at her local women’s group about the power of prayer.

With her husband Mike in the audience, she recalled how a few short months ago she’d turned to God when poor Mike had suffered an unfortunate accident.

Six months ago”, Jackie began, “my husband Mike was knocked off his motorcycle and his scrotum was smashed.”

Jackie explained that for Mike, the pain had been unbearable, and his doctors weren’t sure they’d be able to help him.

The doctors warned us that our lives might never be the same again”, said Jackie. “I can tell you I was scared. Mike was unable to get close to me or the children because every move caused him such extreme discomfort. And that meant he could no longer be touched around the scrotum.”

Jackie paused momentarily to allow the audience to absorb her words.

Then she said, “I’m not ashamed to say I turned to God for help, and I prayed that the doctors would be able to repair Mike.

Again, she paused and then said, “Fortunately, our prayers were answered, and the doctors were able to piece together the remnants of Mike’s scrotum with wire holding everything in place. His medical team tell me that he will make a full recovery and regain the full use of his scrotum.”

As the audience burst into applause, a lone man walked slowly up to the stage and said, “Hello, I’m Mike, Jackie’s husband, and I just wanted to remind my wife once again that the word is ‘sternum’.”

3. Discovering facts:

As part of her rehabilitation, a patient in a mental hospital was told by her psychiatrist to go out into the nearby town and discover one new fact.

Off she went, and then a few hours later, the patient returned to the hospital to tell the psychiatrist all about what she had learned.

So said her psychiatrist, “Were you able to find out something you didn’t know before?

Yes”, said the patient, “I discovered that spiders have ears on their legs.

Ears on their legs?” said the psychiatrist. “How did you work that out?

The patient produced a matchbox and when opened a large spider crawled out onto the psychiatrist’s desk.

The patient then said “Boo!

The spider scurried quickly across the desktop.

The patient then grabbed the spider and proceeded to pull off all its legs.

She then put it back on the desk and once again said, “Boo!

Naturally, the spider was motionless.

The patient looked at the psychiatrist, smiled and then said, “Do you see? Without its legs, it can’t hear me.”

4. Jogging Rick’s Memory:

Rick had spent several weeks searching for a new hat that resembled the one he had misplaced.

Finally, he remembered a man who attended his local church who wore a similar hat.

So, Rick decided to go to church on Sunday. He thought that if he sat at the back, during the service, he could sneak out and grab the hat from the rack near the door if he left early.

During the service, Rick sat at the back and listened to the sermon about the Ten Commandments.

Despite his cunning plan, Rick sat and listened to the entire sermon, and instead of sneaking out early, he waited until Mass was over and spoke to the priest as he was leaving.

Hello, Father,” said Rick. “Believe it or not, I came here today with a plan to steal a hat to replace the one I’d lost. But after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind.”

In response, Father O’Riley smiled benevolently and said, “Bless you, my son. Was it when I started to preach ‘Thou shalt not steal’ that changed your mind?

No, Father,” Rick responded. “It was when you mentioned the one about adultery. As you started to preach that, I remembered where I’d left my hat.”

Jack walked into a pharmacy and said to the pharmacist, “Excuse me, sir, do you have anything for hiccups?

The pharmacist walked from behind the counter, appeared to reach for something high on a shelf, and then he suddenly slapped Jack hard on the back.

He smiled at Jack and then said, “There! Did that help?

I can’t tell from here,” said Jack. “It’s my wife with the problem, and she’s waiting outside in the car.

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Bert is in a dispute with his neighbour, and he goes to see a lawyer for help.

How can I help you?” asks the lawyer.

Well, sir,” says Bert, “my neighbour borrowed $500 and now he won’t pay it back. So, what can I do?

Do you have any proof that he owes you this money?” asks the lawyer.

Unfortunately, no,” says Bert. “We used to be friends, and I thought I could trust him.

Right,” says the lawyer, “I suggest that I write him a letter, enclosing a stamped, addressed return envelope, requesting the $5,000 that he owes you.

But he’ll say that it’s only $500,” says Bert.

Exactly!” says the lawyer. “That way we’ll have an admission of guilt should it go to court.

7. Windfall:

Wally and Mildred are an elderly couple celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

They had been childhood sweethearts, and they had recently moved back to the neighbourhood where they grew up.

Holding hands, they walked around the area, and they decided to go back and visit their old school.

The school wasn’t locked, but the classes had gone home for the day.

So, they entered and walked around. Unbelievably, they found their old classroom and the old wooden desk they had shared, on which Wally had carved, “I love Mildred Jones.”

As they were leaving the school campus, an armoured security van drove past and, as it did so, a large bag of money fell out, practically landing at their feet.

Now, there was no one around, so Mildred grabbed it quickly. As they were unsure what to do with it, they decided to take it home.

Once home, Mildred decided she’d sit and count the money. Very quickly, she realised that the bag contained $100,000.

Wally was an honest man and felt that they should return it.

Nonsense!” said Mildred. “Surely, it’s finders’ keepers. And anyway, we could use a little extra money.

With that, Mildred put the money back in the bag and hid it in the loft.

The next day, Mildred answered a knock on her front door, and two police officers were standing in front of her.

Good morning, mam,” said one of the police officers. “We’re investigating the disappearance of a cash bag that fell from a security van yesterday. Did you or your husband see anything?

Mildred smiled demurely and said, “No, officer.”

At this point, Wally’s conscience got the better of him, and he said, “She’s lying, officer. She’s got the money, and she hid it up in the loft.

Once again, Mildred smiled demurely and said, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s getting senile, and his imagination runs away with him at times.”

Well, not so fast,” the police officer says. “I think we should listen to what he has to say.

With that, the officer turns to Wally and says, “Sir, can you tell us the story from the beginning?

Well,” said Wally, “when Mildred and I were walking home from school yesterday.

The two police officers look at each other, and one says, “Let’s go, there’s nothing to see here.

8. The admiral and the general:

A Navy admiral and an Army general were fishing together on a lake one day when a storm blew up and their boat capsized.

Not being quite as fit as they once were, both men were floundering helplessly in the water.

However, eventually, the general managed to right the boat and clamber back on board.

He then rescued the admiral from drowning by reaching out to him with one of the oars and then hauling him back in.

As the admiral was dragged into the boat, he struggled for a few seconds to regain his composure.

Then he said, “Please don’t say a word to anyone about this. If anyone in the Navy knew I couldn’t swim, I’d be disgraced.

The general smiled and said, “Don’t worry, buddy, your secret’s safe with me. I’d hate for my troops to find out that I couldn’t walk on water.

9. The origin of the species:

As she was getting ready for school one morning, Grace asked her mother, “How did the human race appear, Mom?”

Well”, said her mother, “God made Adam and Eve, and they had children, and that’s how we all began, dear.”

Two days later, Grace asked her father the same question.

Well”, said her father, “first there were apes and from them, the human race has evolved.

Naturally, these responses left Grace a little confused.

So once again, she spoke with her mother and said, “Mom, I don’t understand. You said that we were created by God but dad says we evolved from apes. How can that be?

Her mother smiled and said, “Well, darling, it’s all very simple. I was telling you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of these funny short story jokes make you laugh? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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57 Misquoted Sayings: Familiar Phrases You Thought You Knew

Today, I thought it would be interesting to explore some misquoted sayings.

Bite-sized tweets and catchy memes dominate our age, and it’s easy to forget that some of history’s most iconic quotes have been, well, slightly misquoted.

That’s right! From Shakespeare to Churchill, and from the silver screen to ancient scriptures, people have adapted, refined, and reinterpreted words to suit their purposes, for the sake of brevity or to reflect modern sensibilities.

Misquotations often arise due to cultural shifts, simplifications for easier recall, or misinterpretations that occur over time. It’s always fascinating to observe how phrases evolve and adapt over time.

So, come along with me on a delightful journey of debunking! Determining who said what and whether our current beliefs are accurate or not.

Prepare to be enlightened as I uncover the true essence of 57 famous sayings and quotes that the world has been getting wrong for longer than most of us can remember.

In other words, it’s time to set the record straight!

Enjoy them all and feel free to share them with others.

MISQUOTED SAYINGS
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Misquoted Sayings (1-10):

  1. Misquote: Money is the root of all evil. Actual Quote: For the love of money is the root of all evil. ~1 Timothy 6:10, Bible
  2. Misquote: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? Actual Quote: Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all? ~Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”
  3. Misquote: Beam me up, Scotty. Actual Quote: This exact phrase was never said in the original Star Trek series. The closest was Beam us up, Mr. Scott.
  4. Misquote: Elementary, my dear Watson. Actual Quote: Sherlock Holmes never says this exact phrase in any of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s writings.
  5. Misquote: Luke, I am your father. Actual Quote: No, I am your father. ~Star Wars: Episode V ~The Empire Strikes Back
  6. Misquote: Play it again, Sam. Actual Quote: Play it, Sam. Play ‘As Time Goes By’. ~Casablanca
  7. Misquote: Let them eat cake. Actual Quote: There’s no verified record of Marie Antoinette ever saying this. It’s widely attributed to her, but its authenticity is doubtful.
  8. Misquote: The proof is in the pudding. Actual Quote: The proof of the pudding is in the eating. ~Old proverb
  9. Misquote: Blood is thicker than water. Actual Quote: The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. This means relationships formed by choice are often stronger than those formed by birth.
  10. Misquote: Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it burned in one. Actual Quote: The first part, Rome wasn’t built in a day, is a classic proverb. The second part about burning in one day is a modern addition and isn’t part of the original saying.

Misquoted Sayings (11-20):

  1. Misquote: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him well. Actual Quote: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. ~Hamlet” by William Shakespeare
  2. Misquote: I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down the cherry tree. Actual Quote: This is a widely circulated myth. There’s no concrete evidence George Washington ever said this.
  3. Misquote: The lion shall lay down with the lamb. Actual Quote: The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid. ~Isaiah 11:6, Bible
  4. Misquote: Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely. Actual Quote: Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. ~Lord Acton
  5. Misquote: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Actual Quote: Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned. ~The Mourning Bride” by William Congreve
  6. Misquote: Now is the winter of our discontent. Actual Quote: Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this son of York. ~Richard III by William Shakespeare
  7. Misquote: Gild the lily. Actual Quote: To gild refined gold, to paint the lily. ~King John by William Shakespeare
  8. Misquote: The only thing to fear is fear itself. Actual Quote: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
  9. Misquote: Nice guys finish last. Actual Quote: While this saying is popularly attributed to Leo Durocher, what he said was a bit more complicated: Look at them. All nice guys. They’ll finish last. He was referring to the New York Giants baseball team.
  10. Misquote: If you build it, they will come. Actual Quote: If you build it, he will come. ~Field of Dreams (movie)

Misquoted Sayings (21-30):

  1. Misquote: This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Actual Quote: Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. ~Casablanca (movie)
  2. Misquote: Curiosity killed the cat. Actual Quote: Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. ~English Proverb
  3. Misquote: Houston, we have a problem. Actual Quote: Houston, we’ve had a problem. ~Jim Lovell during the Apollo 13 mission
  4. Misquote: What we have here is a failure to communicate. Actual Quote: What we’ve got here is failure to communicate. ~Cool Hand Luke (movie)
  5. Misquote: I want to suck your blood! Actual Quote: This exact line was never said by Dracula in Bram Stoker’s original novel.
  6. Misquote: Do you feel lucky, punk? Actual Quote: You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk? ~Dirty Harry (movie)
  7. Misquote: Just the facts, ma’am. Actual Quote: This line is popularly associated with Detective Joe Friday from the show Dragnet, but he never said this exact phrase.
  8. Misquote: Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Actual Quote: Variations of this quote have been attributed to Mae West, but the exact origin and wording are disputed.
  9. Misquote: Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Actual Quote: The report of my death was an exaggeration. ~Mark Twain, in response to a newspaper that mistakenly published his obituary.
  10. Misquote: I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Actual Quote: This quote is often misattributed to Voltaire. It was written by Evelyn Beatrice Hall, summarizing Voltaire’s beliefs in her biography about him.

Misquoted Sayings (31-40):

  1. Misquote: Me Tarzan, you Jane. Actual Quote: This exact line was never said in the original Tarzan movies or books.
  2. Misquote: The British are coming! The British are coming! Actual Quote: Paul Revere likely never shouted this during his midnight ride. He would have been more discreet to avoid British patrols. Historians believe he might have said, The Regulars are out.
  3. Misquote: Wherefore art thou Romeo? Actual Quote: While the quote is correct, its meaning is often misunderstood. “Wherefore” means “why” in Elizabethan English, not “where”. Juliet is lamenting Romeo’s name, not wondering where he is.
  4. Misquote: Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Actual Quote: The lady doth protest too much, methinks. ~Hamlet by William Shakespeare
  5. Misquote: You can’t handle the truth! Actual Quote: You can’t handle the truth! is correct, but it’s often misused outside of its original context from the movie A Few Good Men.
  6. Misquote: Money can’t buy happiness. Actual Quote: The full proverb is Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Lamborghini.
  7. Misquote: A rose by any other word would smell as sweet. Actual Quote: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. ~Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
  8. Misquote: Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast. Actual Quote: Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast. ~The Mourning Bride by William Congreve
  9. Misquote: When in Rome. Actual Quote: The full saying is When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
  10. Misquote: Charity begins at home and justice begins next door. Actual Quote: Charity begins at home, is a popular saying. The addition of “and justice begins next door” is often attributed to Charles Dickens, but he didn’t write the original saying.

Misquoted Sayings (41-50):

  1. Misquote: Let’s roll! Actual Quote: While this phrase is famously associated with Todd Beamer during the 9/11 Flight 93 incident, its meaning and context are sometimes misconstrued in various references.
  2. Misquote: Irregardless. Actual Note: The term people often intend to use is regardless. Irregardless is considered nonstandard.
  3. Misquote: I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. Actual Quote: I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. ~The Godfather (movie)
  4. Misquote: Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges! Actual Quote: Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinking badges! ~The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (movie)
  5. Misquote: The stuff that dreams are made of. Actual Quote: The stuff that dreams are made on. ~The Maltese Falcon (though it’s a play on Shakespeare’s “We are such stuff as dreams are made on” from The Tempest)
  6. Misquote: Home is where the heart is. Actual Note: Often misattributed to Pliny the Elder. The origin is unclear, but it’s believed to come from a more modern source.
  7. Misquote: An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. Actual Note: While this quote is often attributed to Mahatma Gandhi, there’s no concrete evidence he ever said or wrote it.
  8. Misquote: Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing. Actual Quote: While often attributed to Vince Lombardi, the exact origin is debated. Lombardi did say, Winning isn’t everything, but wanting to win is.
  9. Misquote: Knowledge is power. Actual Quote: Knowledge itself is power. ~Sir Francis Bacon
  10. Misquote: Separation of church and state. Actual Note: While the concept is in the U.S. Constitution, this exact phrase doesn’t appear there. It’s from a letter Thomas Jefferson wrote to the Danbury Baptist Association.

Misquoted Sayings (51-57):

  1. Misquote: Pride comes before the fall. Actual Quote: Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. ~Proverbs 16:18, Bible
  2. Misquote: Spare the rod, spoil the child. Actual Quote: He that spareth his rod hateth his son. ~Proverbs 13:24, Bible
  3. Misquote: The clothes make the man. Actual Quote: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ~Mark Twain
  4. Misquote: Blood, sweat, and tears. Actual Quote: I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat. ~Winston Churchill
  5. Misquote: Cleanliness is next to godliness. Actual Note: While this saying is ancient and is often associated with biblical teachings, this exact phrase doesn’t appear in the Bible.
  6. Misquote: The ends justify the means. Actual Note: Often associated with Machiavelli’s “The Prince,” but he didn’t write this exact phrase.
  7. Misquote: Great minds think alike. Actual Quote: Great minds think alike, but fools seldom differ.
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21 funny short story jokes you’ll just love

Today, I offer you some funny short story jokes, dear reader. I’m confident they’ll make you smile, and I’m sure you’ll have to share them with your friends.

If you enjoy funny short story jokes, you’ll enjoy these.

So grab a coffee, relax and take a few moments to enjoy this veritable joke file that will brighten your day.

And please feel free to pass them on.

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Funny Short Story Jokes:

1. Billy wants to get married:

Young Billy returned home one evening for dinner after spending the afternoon playing with his little friend Mary, who lived next door.

Naturally, his parents asked him what he’d been doing all afternoon.

We played soccer for a while, and then I proposed to Mary,” he said.

Not wishing to belittle him, his mom and dad went along with the idea, but his dad thought a little fatherly advice might be appropriate at this point.

Billy, being married is an expensive business,” said his dad. “How will you both manage?

Well,” said Billy, “with the $5 I get from you for pocket money each week and the $5 she gets from her folks, I think we’ll manage. And I can always take on a paper route to earn extra cash.

Suppressing a strong desire to burst out laughing, his mother said, “That’s all very well, Billy, but how will you and Mary manage if you were to have a baby?

Well,” said Billy, “we’ve been lucky to avoid that so far.

2. Ben goes to the pool:

Young Ben and his friends went to the local swimming pool for the afternoon.

They were playing around as kids do when the lifeguard shouted at Ben, “Hey, kid, you’re not allowed to pee in the pool!

But everyone pees in the pool,” Ben responded.

Maybe so, kid,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the high diving board.

3. Knock, Knock:

An elderly man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.

The kindly old man said to the boy, “Can I help you with that, sonny?

At which point he smiled and placed a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.

There,” said the old man as he stepped back from the door. “Now, what do we do, young man?

We run like hell, mister,” the boy replied.

4. Potato family:

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner.

There was a mom potato, a dad potato, and three daughter potatoes.

The oldest daughter said, “I have some exciting news! I’m getting married!

Well, there was an excited response around the dinner table.

Oh, we’re so happy for you!” said dad potato, “Who’s the lucky guy?

He’s an Idaho potato,” his daughter responded.

That’s wonderful news,” said mom potato. “Idaho potatoes are solid, salt-of-the-earth types. Real hard workers.

The middle daughter then spoke, “Wow, what a coincidence. I also just received a proposal, too.

Again, there was a buzz of excitement around the table

And who proposed to you?” asked mom potato.

He’s a sweet potato,” said the daughter.

That’s wonderful,” said sad dad potato. “Sweet potatoes are known for their kindness and gentleness. He will take great care of you.

Well, now the third daughter felt it was time to have her say, “Mom and Dad, I’m getting married, too!

Oh, my goodness, all three of my daughters are getting hitched at the same time,” exclaimed dad potato. “Who is your future husband?

“Dan Rather,” said the youngest daughter potato.

A hush fell over the table. The parents and two older daughters looked awkwardly down at their plates.

What’s wrong with Dan Rather?” asked the youngest daughter potato.

Well, honey,” said the dad, “he’s just a common tater.”

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5. Washing the dog:

Little Johnny went into the store, and after some searching around, he picked out a large box of laundry detergent.

Having observed Johnny for a few minutes, the store assistant asked him whether he had a lot of laundry to do.

No,” said Johnny, “I’m not doing any laundry. I’m going to wash my little dog.

The store assistant frowned at him and said, “Listen, sonny, that’s a powerful detergent and far too strong for washing a small dog. It could make him ill or perhaps even kill him if you’re not careful.

Undeterred, Little Johnny said he’d take the detergent anyway, and then he paid the man and left the store.

A week later, Little Johnny was back in the store to buy a Hershey bar. The store assistant saw him and said, “Hey Johnny, how’s your little dog?

Oh, he died,” said Little Johnny.

I’m sorry to hear that, son, but I did warn you about that detergent,” the store assistant replied.

I don’t think it was the detergent,” said Little Johnny.

Really?” said the store assistant. “So what was it then?

“He looked like he was coping very well until the washing machine went into the spin cycle,” Little Johnny replied.

Bill Smith was a hen-pecked husband who was tired of being bossed around by his domineering wife.

After giving it some thought, Bill decided to visit a psychiatrist for help.

The psychiatrist asked Bill a few questions and then said, “Mr Smith, you need to improve your self-esteem and become more assertive.”

And how do I do that?” asked Bill.

Read this book,” said the psychiatrist, “and use it as your guide.”

With that, the psychiatrist gave Bill his book on assertiveness.

Bill started reading the book on this way home, and he’d completed it by the time he reached his house.

Fizzing with ideas on how he could be more assertive, Bill stormed into the house and walked straight up to his wife.

From now on,” said Bill, jabbing his finger at his wife, “I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law!

His wife was momentarily speechless.

So, Bill continued, “I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterwards. You got that?

A little surprised, his wife remained speechless but was growing increasingly irritated.

Bill carried on, “After dinner, I expect you to run a bath for me so that I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?

Having regained her composure, Bill’s wife looked him in the eye with a steely glint and said, “A funeral director?

Jim was excited that he had finally achieved a long-held ambition to attend a skydiving course.

The instructor on the course had completed his presentation and was now ready for the question-and-answer session with his new students.

Naturally, Jim was enthusiastic and immediately raised his hand to indicate he had a question.

Sir, you said our initial jump will be from 3,500 feet,” said Jim.

That’s correct,” the instructor responded.

So, can I ask,” Jim continued, “if my parachute fails to open, and my reserve chute also fails to deploy, how long would I have before I hit the ground?

The instructor smiled at him and then said, “I’d say, you’d have the rest of your life, Jim.”

Sean Murphy goes into the confessional box at St Patrick’s Church after many, many years of being away from his Catholic faith.

Sean pulls aside the curtain, enters the box and sits down.

He’s impressed. Things have improved since his last visit to church. There’s a fully equipped bar, as well as cigars and liqueur chocolates. On the wall, there are some fine photographs of some very nice-looking women.

He waits for a few minutes, and then he hears the priest enter.

Forgive me, Father, but it’s been a very long time since I last attended confession,” says Sean. “And let me say, the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.

Get out, you idiot,” Father O’Riley replies. “You’re on my side!

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Once upon a time, there was a King who wanted to go fishing. So, he summoned the royal meteorologist and asked whether there would be any rain that day.

The meteorologist assured the King that there wouldn’t be any rain and that it would be a good day for him to go fishing with the Queen.

So, the King and Queen left the palace and made the journey down to the river.

On their way to the river, the King and Queen met a farmer with his donkey.

When he saw the Royal couple, the farmer said, “Your Majesties, I think you should return to the palace at once, there is going to be a lot of rain in a short time.”

The king was polite, and he appreciated that the farmer was well-intentioned. However, he replied: “I hold the royal meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated man and highly skilled in meteorology. I pay him high wages for his knowledge and skills, and he assured me there would be no rain. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”

Very well,” the farmer responded, and he stood aside to let the King and Queen go on their way.

However, it wasn’t long before the heavens opened, and a torrential rainstorm ensued.

The King and Queen were soaked, and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a pitiful condition.

Naturally, the King was furious. He summoned the meteorologist and fired him on the spot.

The next day, he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious role of royal meteorologist.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I am a humble farmer. I know nothing about meteorology and weather forecasting. I get my information from my donkey. If I see his ears drooping, it means it will rain heavily.”

The King thought about the situation momentarily and then hired the donkey on the spot.

And so began the ancient practice of government hiring donkeys to work in the highest and most influential positions.

Jake has just started a new job as a clerk in a department store, on the underwear counter.

On his first day, a man walks in and says, “Two pairs of underpants, please.”

Jake finds that a little strange and says, “Only two pairs of underpants, sir?

That’s right,” says the guy. “I wear one while the other pair is being washed.”

Jake looks on in disgust, but he completes the transaction, and the guy goes on his way.

Later that morning, another guy walks in and says, “Can I have five pairs of underwear, please?”

“Just five?” Jake queries.

Yeah, that’s right,” says the guy. “I wear one pair every weekday, but at weekends I go commando.”

Jake shakes his head in amazement but then says, philosophically, “Well, at least that’s better than my last customer.” The transaction’s completed, and the guy goes on his way.

Before long, Jake has another customer.

The guy says, “Can I have seven pairs of underwear, please?

Jake is impressed and exclaims, “Finally, a man with standards!”

That’s right,” says the guy. “One for every day, and I do my laundry every Sunday.”

The transaction is completed after a brief exchange about hygiene, and the guy goes on his way.

Towards the end of the afternoon, in walks Bubba, the hillbilly.

Can I have 12 pairs of underwear, please?” Bubba asks.

Wow!” says Jake, “You’re even more hygienic than my last customer.”

That’s right,” says Bubba. “I change my underwear every month, whether I need to or not, and I do my washing once a year.

Seamus walks into a Dublin bar and orders three pints of Guinness. When he’s been served, he sits at a table in the corner of the bar and proceeds to drink all three pints.

When he’s finished, he returns to the bar and orders three more pints.

The bartender says, “You know the Guinness starts going flat the minute it’s poured, so you’d be better off ordering them one at a time if you’re going to drink them.”

Well now,” Seamus responds, “I have two brothers, one is in America and the other is in Australia. And I am here in Dublin. When we left home, we promised we would drink together in this way.

Aye, well that’s grand,” says the bartender, and he serves Seamus his drinks without another word.

Seamus followed this approach every day in the bar for months.

One day, though, Seamus walks in and orders only two pints.

Well, the bartender and all the regulars in the bar can’t help but notice, and the place falls silent.

When Seamus returns to the bar for another two pints, the bartender says, “Seamus, I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I just wanted to offer you my condolences on your loss.”

Seamus looks at him, a little confused momentarily, before the penny drops and he begins to laugh.

Oh Jeez,” says Seamus. “Everyone’s grand! It’s just me. I decided to quit drinking!

Jim is standing in line in the supermarket, waiting to pay for his groceries.

As he stood there, he noticed a beautiful woman waving, smiling and saying hello to him.

Having beautiful women wave at him was not an experience with which he was familiar, and he’s not sure who she is, so he says, “I’m sorry mam, but do we know each other?

The woman replies, “Well, I’m not completely sure, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!

This throws Jim into a mild panic, as he wonders whether this could have been the result of that one-night stand he had during the drunken guys’ weekend in Vegas.

Eventually, Jim plucks up the courage to ask the question that was on his mind: “Did we meet at the blackjack table at the MGM Grand in Vegas?

No,” the woman replies, “I’m your son’s math teacher.”

At the Happy Valley Nursing Home, a group of elderly folks are sitting around discussing their ailments.

My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said Jim.

Yes, I know,” said Betty. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee.

Well,” said Martha, “I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled.”

What’s that?” said Bert. “Speak up. I can’t hear you.”  

I can’t turn my head because I’ve got arthritis in my neck,” said Beryl,

They all nodded in recognition of Beryl’s problem.

Well,” said Jack, “my blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!

I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said Jeff, an octogenarian who looks even older than his years.

I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” said Mabel, philosophically, as she slowly shook her head.

They all nodded in agreement.

Well, we should count our blessings,” said Albert, “at least, we can all still drive.

Vic and Dave were best friends, and both were deaf. One morning, they’re chatting with sign language during their coffee break, having both been out late drinking the night before.

Laughing and joking about their late drinking session, Vic says to Dave, “Well, my wife, Jane, was fast asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed without any trouble.

Jeez,” said Dave, “you were lucky. My wife, Barbara, was wide awake, waiting up for me in bed. The minute I entered the bedroom, she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.”

Oh, buddy, that’s awful,” Vic responded. “So, what did you do?

Dave smiled and then said, “I just turned out the bedroom light.”

Rick’s wife, Victoria, had a tear in her dress, and she took it to a dressmaker for repair.

Victoria asked Rick to collect it for her on his way home from work.

Rick did as requested and collected it, but he was in a hurry, so he didn’t have time to check it.

The following morning, Victoria had to leave early for a business trip, but she left Rick a message after discovering that the repair to her dress hadn’t been completed.

Rick read the message, and she’d wrote upon it, “Return to mender a dress unsewn.”

Physician Dr Davis is sitting in his surgery one morning when a patient arrives, complaining of severe back pain.

Dr Davis starts to examine his patient, and he asks him, “Can you tell me exactly what happened to your back, Mr Smith?

Mr Smith replies, “Well, doctor, I work nights in a local night club. This morning, I got home early and could hear a noise in my bedroom.

Right,” Dr Davis responded, “but how did this affect your back?

Well, doctor,” Mr Smith continued, “when I entered the bedroom, I knew someone had been with my wife, as the balcony door was open.”

I still don’t quite understand,” said Dr Davis.

Well,” Mr Smith continued, “naturally, I rushed out onto the balcony, and as I looked down, I saw a man running, and he was dressing himself as he ran. So, I grabbed the refrigerator and threw it at him. And that’s how I strained my back.

Not long after Mr Smith left Dr Davis’s surgery, a second patient arrived, looking like he’d just crawled out of a wrecked car.

Well,” said Dr Davis, “my last patient looked bad, but you look terrible, Mr Jones. What has happened to you?

You won’t believe it, doctor,” said Mr Jones. “I was meant to be starting a new job today, having been unemployed for months. I overslept, and I was running out of the house, dressing as I went, trying to ensure I wasn’t late. Next minute, out of nowhere, a refrigerator lands on my head.

Within seconds of Mr Jones leaving the doctor’s surgery, the third patient of the day walks in.

Mr Wilson is in an even worse state than the two previous patients, and he looked like he had fallen from a great height.

Good morning, Mr Wilson,” said Dr Davis, a little shocked by what he saw before him. “What has happened to you?

Well, doctor,” Mr Wilson responded, “I was hiding in a refrigerator, and someone threw it from a 3rd-floor balcony.”

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A drunken man staggered onto a subway train and sat next to a Catholic priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the drunk turned to the priest and said, “Excuse me, Father, what causes arthritis?

My son,” the priest responded, “it’s caused by loose living, being with immoral women, drinking too much alcohol and having only contempt for your fellow man.”

Really?” said the drunk. “Well, I’ll be damned!” He then returned to reading his newspaper.

Having thought about what he’d said and feeling guilty, the priest nudged the man and apologised. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so judgmental. How long have you had arthritis?

I don’t have it, Father,” the man responded. “I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Bill was working in his front garden one day when, suddenly, a car came crashing through his fence and ploughed into his front lawn.

Momentarily startled, Bill quickly gathered his composure and rushed to help the driver.

He could see that the driver was quite an elderly lady, so Bill helped her to get out of the car slowly and sat her down in a chair on his veranda.

Forgive me, mam,” said Bill. “I don’t want to appear judgmental, but you look to be a little too old to be driving.

Well, I’ll be 95 next month,” said the old lady, “and I’ve now reached the age where I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.

Really?” said Bill. “Why do you say that?

Well,” said the old lady, “when I had my physical recently, my doctor asked if I had a driver’s license.”

Presumably, you told him you did?” Bill responded, quizzically.

That’s right,” said the old lady, “and I handed it to him to prove it.”

And what did he say?” asked Bill.

He just took some scissors from a drawer,” the old lady responded, “then he cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, before saying, ‘You don’t need this anymore!”

And what did you say?” asked Bill.

Naturally, I thanked him for letting me know, and then I left,” said the old lady.

Jane, Jenny and Wilma were three friends whose lives were cut tragically short by a road traffic accident.

In the blink of an eye, they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

Welcome to heaven, ladies,” said St Peter. “There is just one rule to remember. Please don’t step on any of the rabbits running around freely. You should be aware that there is a punishment for those who do.

The three friends agreed they’d be careful, and with that, they walked through the Pearly Gates into the Kingdom of Heaven.

Sure enough, there were rabbits everywhere, as far as the eye could see.

However, they did their best to tread carefully and avoid these harmless creatures.

One day, the inevitable happened, and Jane, unfortunately, stepped on a rabbit.

Instantly, St Peter was standing in front of her.

I’m sorry, Jane,” said St Peter. “I did warn you about stepping on rabbits.

I’m sorry, but it was an accident,” Jane responded.

That may be true, but I must apply the penalty,” said St Peter.

With that, St Peter chained Jane to the ugliest man she had ever seen, and she was told that she was doomed to be bonded to this wretch for eternity.

Jenny and Wilma, having witnessed what happened, were now petrified of making the same mistake.

They took even greater care over the next several months, but eventually the inevitable happened again.

One day, while being distracted, Jenny stepped on a rabbit.

Again, justice was swift, and she found herself also bonded in perpetuity to the ugliest man you could imagine.

Well, Wilma, fearing the worst, took extra care from then on.

However, eventually she also stepped on a rabbit.

St Peter quickly appeared, and Wilma was immediately chained to a truly handsome man.

Wilma was puzzled and asked St Peter, “My friends stepped on rabbits, and they were punished by being bonded to hideous-looking men. I commit the same sin, but I get an Adonis. Why is that?

The Adonis looked at her and said, “I stepped on a rabbit.

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20. The Budgie:

Geoffrey sees a budgie in the window of a pet store, and feeling a little sorry for the bird, he decides he’ll buy it.

However, he’s quickly disappointed when, despite his best efforts, he can’t get the budgie to talk.

So he decides to go back to the pet store to complain.

I purchased this budgie a month ago now, but I can’t get him to utter a single word,” said Geoffrey to the store assistant.

Try him with a mirror,” the store assistant suggested. “Budgies love to look at their reflection, and you’ll soon have him saying, “Who’s a pretty boy?

So Geoffrey purchased a mirror from the store assistant and returned home with his budgie.

Once again, he was disappointed, as the budgie still wouldn’t talk.

So once again, Geoffrey went to the pet store to complain.

Try him with a ladder”, said the store assistant. “Budgies love climbing, and I’m sure he won’t stop talking once he’s got a ladder.

So Geoffrey purchased a little ladder from the store assistant and returned home with his budgie.

Yet again, not a word was spoken by the budgie, so a week later, Geoffrey was back in the pet store again with the budgie.

Try getting him a bell,” said the store assistant. “The sound of a bell will encourage him to talk, I’m sure. At the very least, he’ll try to imitate the bell’s sound.

So Geoffrey bought the bell and returned home only to be disappointed yet again.

Two weeks later, Geoffrey’s back in the pet store.

How’s your budgie?” asked the store assistant. “Have you got it talking yet?

Finally, he did say something,” said Geoffrey. “He looked in the mirror, climbed the ladder, rang his bell, uttered a few words, and then dropped off his perch and died.

Oh dear!” said the store assistant. “What did he say?”

He said, doesn’t that damn pet store sell birdseed?” Geoffrey responded.

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21. Giving evidence:

A veteran police officer is giving evidence in court.

The defence attorney is cross-examining him during a felony trial.

Naturally, the lawyer is trying everything he can to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

So, officer,” said the attorney, “did you see my client fleeing the scene?

No, sir,” said the police officer. “But later, I saw a person matching the description of the accused running several blocks away.”

Is that so, officer?” said the attorney, looking towards the jury, “and who provided you with this description?

My colleague, who was the first responder to the scene,” said the officer.

So, you’re telling me that a fellow officer provided you with the description of this so-called offender,” said the attorney. “And do you trust your fellow officers?

Of course,” said the officer. “I would trust him with my life.”

The attorney looked at the jury, again, then turned back to the officer and said, slowly, “You would trust him with your life?

Yes, sir,” said the officer.

The defence attorney paused momentarily and then said, “Let me ask you this, then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your duties?

Yes, sir, we do,” the police officer responded.

And presumably you have a locker in that room?” the attorney continued.

Yes, sir, I do,” said the officer.

And do you lock away your possessions in that locker?” the attorney continued.

Yes, sir, I do,” the officer continued.

Now that’s interesting, said the attorney, once again looking towards the jury for dramatic effect.

So,” the attorney continued, “you say you’d trust your fellow officers with your life, and yet you feel the need to lock away your possessions in a room you share with those officers.”

Again, the attorney allowed a momentary pause for effect before saying, “Why is that officer?

The veteran police officer suppressed a smile before he said, “Well, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through our locker room.

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50 amusing quotes about cars to make you smile

Learning to drive is one of the most useful skills we learn. Driving is freedom, and what’s not to like about that? I love my car and the freedom it gives me. So, with that in mind, I thought it might be fun to explore some amusing quotes about cars and driving.

Naturally, there are plenty of quotes to choose from. I’ve curated 50 little gems for you today, dear reader. They’re all classified as “Author Unknown,” but that doesn’t mean they’re not memorable or fun.

I’m confident you’ll enjoy them all.

So, grab a coffee and take a few moments to see what others think of cars and driving, and then see if you can come up with a memorable quote of your own.

AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT CARS
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Amusing quotes about cars (1-10):

  1. Parking is such sweet sorrow.
  2. Happiness is a long drive and an old song.
  3. Honking is the car’s way of saying ‘I have feelings too!’
  4. The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
  5. Driving a stick shift makes you feel like a wizard, or maybe just old.
  6. My car and I have so much in common. We both scream for no reason.
  7. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a Lamborghini and that’s close.
  8. My car’s GPS has an ‘avoid potholes’ feature. It directs me to stay at home.
  9. A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons still left in the tank.
  10. Parallel parking is a skill many achieve, but few master. For the rest, there’s hope and parking lots.

Amusing quotes about cars (11-20):

  1. Life is too short for boring cars.
  2. My dream car is one that runs on laughter.
  3. Racing is the art of turning money into noise.
  4. Friends come and go, but a good mechanic is forever.
  5. Cars are like kids. If they’re making a noise, something’s probably wrong.
  6. I named my car ‘Stress’ because it’s always breaking down at traffic lights.
  7. When you drive as fast as I do, cholesterol is not something you worry about.
  8. Car love is true love. Why else would you talk sweetly to it when it won’t start?
  9. I don’t need to go to therapy. I just need to cruise the open road with my best buddy.
  10. Always drive like someone’s watching. Because they probably are, they’re called ‘traffic cameras.’

Amusing quotes about cars (21-30):

  1. Why did the car sit down? It was too tired!
  2. Cars and coffee are my two favourite ‘C’ words.
  3. If you think I’m cute now, wait until you see my Maserati.
  4. Couples who travel together, fight over directions together.
  5. Most of my money goes on my car and the rest I just waste.
  6. You know you’re an adult when joyriding involves doing errands.
  7. Traffic jams are just nature’s way of making sure you listen to your entire playlist.
  8. If you’ve never driven your car on the edge, then you’ve never really driven your car.
  9. You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy an old 1965 Ford Mustang and lovingly restore it.
  10. Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds everything in the universe together, especially my car.

Amusing quotes about cars (31-40):

  1. A clean car is a sign of a sick mind.
  2. If my car could talk, it would probably just complain.
  3. Love is sharing your playlist with someone on a long drive.
  4. Car sickness is when you get sick of making car payments.
  5. The closest thing I’ve got to a sports car is a speeding ticket.
  6. Ecstasy is a long drive along a coastal road with some great music playing.
  7. If cars had feelings, traffic would just be a prolonged group therapy session.
  8. Some refer to it as road rage. I prefer to call it aggressive car communication.
  9. I treat my car like I treat my pets: I talk to it, pamper it, and sometimes yell when it doesn’t listen.
  10. My car sometimes feels like a hotel room. Not because it’s luxurious, but because I leave a mess in it.

Amusing quotes about cars (41-50):

  1. You can’t be sad while driving a sports car.
  2. Some days, my car is the only thing that listens to me.
  3. We have traffic signals because cars need time-outs too.
  4. Cars were invented as a faster way of fleeing from commitment.
  5. If your car could read your thoughts, it’d probably need therapy.
  6. If my car was a person, we’d probably argue over who’s more tired.
  7. You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy cars, so that’ll do for now.
  8. Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall. Torque is how far you take the wall with you.
  9. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather, not screaming like the passengers in his taxi.
  10. I have two moods: 1. Constantly checking my fuel gauge. 2. Living on the edge with the fuel warning light on.
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