30 funny dating profile examples or how not to write one

funny-dating-profile-examplesIn days gone by the dating game was simple. You went to a dance on a Saturday night and, with a bit of luck, you met someone nice who was willing to see you again.

Obviously, the modern dating scene is very different. The age of the dating app makes the process difficult, insofar as you don’t get to meet someone unless they like what they see and what you have to say in your profile.

So you need a flattering photo, naturally, as well as a great sales pitch. And it really needs to be a sales pitch because you are actually trying to sell yourself to any potential dates who are checking out your profile.

A good sales pitch should highlight your unique selling proposition and the reasons why you’re a worthy date. Your words should be positive and scream “I’m a great catch, so grab me whilst I’m still available.” In short, your words should be a call to action.

Any decent salesperson could tell you this, so there’s nothing unique in what I’m saying here. You’d think it was obvious, wouldn’t you?

Following the close inspection of a few dating apps, I can tell you that there are plenty of people out there who haven’t helped themselves when they wrote their profiles.

However, whilst such people don’t necessarily do themselves any favours with their profiles, their words have the potential to make us all laugh.

So here are 30 funny dating profile examples that really made me smile. These are from real apps, albeit I wonder whether some were written tongue-in-cheek.

Funny dating profile examples (1-15):

  1. Miserable soul looking for love.
  2. Recovering alcoholic seeking soul mate.
  3. My life’s a car crash, can you make it better?
  4. I’ve just got the all-clear, so I’m ready for love again.
  5. Manic depressive looking for a nice girl to cheer him up.
  6. If you’ve got a fetish for body odour then I’m your man.
  7. I hate men but could you be the one to change my mind?
  8. So far, I’ve had 60 lovers at college, will you be my 61st?
  9. Looking for someone to pay my bills and take care of me.
  10. If you’ll be my meal ticket I’ll be your pampered princess.
  11. My relationships never work out but I’m willing to try again.
  12. Angry bitch looking for that special one to make his life hell.
  13. Don’t think of me as bald, think hairstyle that says minimalism.
  14. If you can handle a drama Queen then I could be the one for you.
  15. Served my sentence for assault and battery. Now looking for love.

Funny dating profile examples (16-30):

  1. If you’ll cook, clean and do my ironing then you’re the girl for me.
  2. I enjoy long walks and candlelit dinners and someone to pay the bill.
  3. Bad teeth, bad breath, body odour and acne but otherwise a great catch.
  4. Had my fun and I’ve got three kids to prove it. So what can you offer me?
  5. If you’re looking for a fixer-upper then I could be the challenge you need.
  6. As long as I always get my own way in every situation, I can be flexible.
  7. I hate everyone, so why should I like you? You’ll need a good story to tell.
  8. If you’re looking for a bird with a lot of troublesome baggage, then I’m your girl.
  9. My mother will always be my first priority but if that works for a girl like you, swipe right.
  10. If you’re looking for someone considerate, kind and caring then you’d better swipe left.
  11. I’ve got all the looks, charm and intelligence anyone could possibly want and I’m modest too.
  12. With three kids and one on the way, I’m looking for a father for them. Could you be the one?
  13. I can be difficult, jealous, sarcastic and moody. Could you be the one to make me happy?
  14. You could be my down-time, my spare-time, my part-time, and my sometime. Someone I turn to when I’ve nothing better to do.
  15. Bald man with no job, no money, no prospects and living with his parents is looking for a good woman with her own house and car. Could you be the one?

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If any of these funny dating profile examples made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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33 amusing one-liners that’ll raise a smile or make you cringe

one-liners-1If you love amusing and witty one-liners then you might just enjoy today’s post.

There are 33 little gems here that should tickle you, a little at least.

Either that or they might just make you cringe.

Yes, it’s true, a few are corny. Nevertheless, I hope they give you a laugh.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Amusing One-liners (1-11):

  1. As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
  2. We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
  3. Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
  4. If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
  5. Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
  6. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  7. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
  8. I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
  9. If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
  10. What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
  11. Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

  1. Why was it so hot at the ballpark after the game? All the fans left.
  2. I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
  3. The perfect solution for keeping Brownies fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
  4. My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
  5. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
  6. I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
  7. When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
  8. I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
  9. Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
  10. I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
  11. Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.

one-liners-2Amusing One-liners (23-33):

  1. My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
  2. A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
  3. The sweater I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
  4. My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.
  5. I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
  6. A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
  7. My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
  8. There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
  9. I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!
  10. A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
  11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

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Were these one-liners amusing? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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20 classic Elaine Benes quotes that’ll raise a smile or two

20-Elaine-Benes-quotesAnother offering in my series with the theme of memorable sitcom characters, today I thought it would be entertaining to take a look back at some classic Elaine Benes quotes.

Who can forget this brilliant character from the American sitcom Seinfeld, played by the hugely talented Julia Louis-Dreyfus?

Elaine was a woman holding her own in a man’s world. She was smart, funny and she brought a sparkle to the show. However, like all memorable sitcom characters, she was essentially a little flawed too, as you’ll appreciate from the quotes today.

If you love Seinfeld, I’m sure you will be a fan of Elaine Benes.

However, if you’re not old enough to remember Seinfeld and Elaine Benes, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom, and featuring the character Elaine Benes, on YouTube.

They’re all brilliant and definitely well worth a little piece of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 20 classic Elaine Benes quotes, which I’m confident will raise a smile or two, and will probably resonate with many female readers too, I’m sure.

Elaine Benes Quotes:

  1. I’m dead now. Gotta go! ~ Elaine Benes
  2. I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian. ~ Elaine Benes
  3. Some people should just give up. I have. ~ Elaine Benes
  4. I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie. ~ Elaine Benes
  5. We just tease someone ’til they develop an eating disorder. ~ Elaine Benes
  6. I had to take a sick day. I’m so sick of these people. ~ Elaine Benes
  7. He’s a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts. ~ Elaine Benes
  8. Well, that’s the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight. ~ Elaine Benes
  9. I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He’s a re-gifter! ~ Elaine Benes
  10. You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn’t necessarily make you a homosexual. ~ Elaine Benes
  11. I can’t do this anymore, it’s too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die! ~ Elaine Benes
  12. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t break up nicely. I mean, to me, that’s one of the most important parts of a relationship. ~ Elaine Benes
  13. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there’s even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off. ~ Elaine Benes
  14. Here’s to those who wish us well, and those who don’t can go to Hell. ~ Elaine Benes
  15. I mean the problem is that the good ones know they’re good. And they know they’re in such demand they’re just not interested in confining themselves to one person. ~ Elaine Benes
  16. That’s the bra I gave her, she’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society. ~ Elaine Benes
  17. Kramer, you don’t understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand. ~ Elaine Benes
  18. You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it. ~ Elaine Benes
  19. Yeah, since she met him she’s been vomited on, her family cabin’s been burned down, she learned her father’s a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going. ~ Elaine Benes
  20. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here’s the one thing you’ve gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it’s over. I mean, something happens to their personality; it’s really quite astounding. It’s like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there. ~ Elaine Benes

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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21 brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and very witty

brilliant-one-liner-quotesIf you’re looking for some brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and witty then today I’ve got 21 of them for you.

They are made me smile and I hope at least a few of them will make you smile too.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

  1. I did have a handle on life, but it’s broken.
  2. No, I can’t offer you a solution, but I can offer a sarcastic remark.
  3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
  4. I don’t like jokes about the unemployed because none of them works.
  5. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
  6. Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they’re getting.
  7. Do people really practise yoga every day? It sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
  8. If you think television can insult your intelligence, nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  9. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  10. Letting go of a loved one is hard unless you’re trying to survive a rock climbing accident.
  11. Have you heard about the new game for Generation Z kids’? It’s called ‘I spy with my little iPhone’.
  12. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  13. Worrying can solve your problems. I know because 99 per cent of the things I worry about never happen.
  14. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  15. I was knocked off the donkey I was riding when someone threw a rock at me. I was literally stoned off my ass.
  16. You might be tempted to fight fire with fire, but you should remember this, the fire department prefers to use water.
  17. If you give a man a fish you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
  18. I’m told money can’t buy me happiness but, surely being miserable in a Mercedes beats being miserable on the bus?
  19. So what, if the early bird gets the worm? It’s better to be the second mouse and get the cheese. Worm or cheese? No contest!
  20. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of Jack Daniel’s. The bartender said, ‘I’m sorry buddy but we don’t serve spirits in here.’
  21. If you want proof that light travels faster than sound, you only have to look at people who appear bright until they open their mouths.

brilliant-one-liner-quotes-2Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these brilliant one-liner quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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Other articles that might appeal to you:

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21 Del Boy quotes fans of Only Fools and Horses will love

Del Boy QuotesFans of the British television sitcom Only Fools and Horses really do love its lead character, the irrepressible Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter, played by the brilliant actor David Jason. So today I’ve put together a series of some memorable Del Boy quotes which I’m confident fans will love.

If you’re not familiar with the sitcom Only Fools and Horses, I can recommend the many clips you’ll find on YouTube. They’re all very funny.

So take a look at them all when you can but not before you’ve taken a few minutes to enjoy all these memorable Del Boy quotes first. If you’re a loyal fan you’ll love them all, I’m sure.

Del Boy Quotes:

  1. You plonker, Rodney!
  2. Lovely jubbly!
  3. He who dares wins!
  4. You know it makes sense.
  5. I’m a black belt in origami.
  6. This time next year we’ll be millionaires!
  7. They’re yuppies. They don’t speak proper English like what we do.
  8. Rodney, everything between you and I is split straight down the middle: 60-40.
  9. It’s a well-known fact that 90 per cent of all foreign tourists come from abroad.
  10. You can’t trust the Old Bill, can ya? Look at that time they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom.
  11. You’ve always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education. That’s why you’re no good at snooker.
  12. As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, ‘We’ve been done up like a couple of kippers.’
  13. Asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr Kipling if he knows anything about cakes.
  14. Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you’ve ever sailed on, but now you’ve gone and knackered a gravy boat.
  15. There’s no point in running away. Running away only wears out your shoes.
  16. She used to say, ‘It’s better to know you’ve lost than not to know you’ve won.’ Dear old Mum, she used to say some bloody stupid things.
  17. One of my most favourites meals is Duck à l’Orange, but I don’t know how to say that in French.
  18. If you had been in charge of The Last Supper it would have been a takeaway.
  19. I got a Persian rug with more food on it than a menu.
  20. It’s the toughest chicken I’ve ever known. It’s asked me for a fight in the car park twice.
  21. No chance of this happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can’t even get Channel Three!

Del Boy Quotes French:

Fans of this series will know that some of Del Boy’s most memorable quotes are his attempts to display his mastery of the French language. Needless to say, he had no mastery of French, but his attempts at it were very funny.

So here are six of Del Boy’s best French phrases with a note on what he actually meant when he used them:-

  1. Pot Pourri! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘I don’t believe it!’)
  2. Au contraire! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘Hang on a minute!)
  3. Bain-marie! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘No problem!)
  4. Bonnet de douche! (By which Del Boy meant: Excellent!)
  5. Chateauneuf du Pape! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘It’s all gone crazy!’)
  6. Creme de la Menthe! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘The very best.’)

Honourable Mentions:

Whilst this post was intended to pay tribute to Del Boy and his many memorable lines in the show, I think it would be remiss of me not to include some honourable mentions of classic lines from other characters.

So here are three that make me smile every time I hear them:-

  1. He died a couple of years before I was born. ~Colin ‘Trigger’ Ball talking about his father.
  2. We might go out, get to know each other a bit, you know. Might like each other, then who knows? In time maybe she might do some ironing for me. ~Denzil Tulser talking about a potential date.
  3. Derek, will you get it into your thick skull, I’m not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I’m happy with you. ~Raquel Turner, in reference to Del Boy’s jealous nature.

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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25 amusing quotes about getting old to make you smile

amusing quotes about getting oldThere are worse things than getting old. Not getting old being just one of them. Nevertheless being old is a tough gig. Like an old car, everything starts to wear out and it all seems to happen at once. That’s life unfortunately and we just have to get used to it.

The trick is to remain ‘stupid and cheerful‘ and that way you’ll experience less stress. You can try ‘smart and angry‘ if you prefer but I think you’ll find it doesn’t help improve anything.

One great way to remain cheerful is to read something amusing each day.

So today I offer you 25 amusing quotes about getting old to make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

If you’re old I’m sure some of them will resonate with you. If you’re not old then enjoy your youth whilst you can. The years will pass in the blink of an eye.

Whatever your age; you’ll never have today again, so you might as well enjoy it.

Amusing quotes about getting old:

  1. Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. ~Joan Rivers
  2. Age is a high price to pay for maturity. ~Tom Stoppard
  3. No man is ever old enough to know better. ~Holbrook Jackson
  4. Time may be a great healer but it’s a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown
  5. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. ~George Burns
  6. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore
  7. You are only young once but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~Ogden Nash
  8. Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. ~Maurice Chevalier
  9. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” ~Jerry Seinfeld
  10. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. ~Author Unknown
  11. Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. ~George Burns
  12. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ~Claude Pepper
  13. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
  14. He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money upfront. ~George Burns
  15. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
  16. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut
  17. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~John Mortimer
  18. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
  19. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ~Sir Norman Wisdom
  20. I don’t do alcohol anymore. I can get the same effect just standing up fast. ~Author Unknown
  21. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~Henry David Thoreau
  22. Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. ~Joan Rivers 
  23. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Larry Lorenzoni
  24. It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Woody Allen
  25. If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. ~Author Unknown

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15 George Costanza quotes that’ll make you smile

George Costanza QuotesToday dear reader, I thought you might appreciate some amusing quotes by George Costanza.

There have been some wonderful characters in sitcoms over the years and one of the very best, in my opinion, was that lovable loser George Costanza from the US sitcom Seinfeld, played by the excellent Jason Alexander.

George Costanza had a brilliant turn of phrase and his cup was always half-empty. If anyone had drawn the short straw in life it was George. However he gave us so many laughs, and for that, we should all be very grateful.

So take a couple of minutes, relax and enjoy all these quotes by George Costanza.

George Costanza Quotes:

  1. I don’t trust men in capes.
  2. If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.
  3. Jerry, just remember it’s not a lie if you believe it.
  4. You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
  5. When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.
  6. If you can’t say something bad about a relationship you shouldn’t say anything at all.
  7. The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
  8. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
  9. I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
  10. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to fail.
  11. You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
  12. Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do a wash once a year.
  13. What’s so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn’t shop there.
  14. You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Nobody tells me it’s them, not me. If it’s anybody, it’s me.
  15. [To Jerry]: Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That’s all I’m askin’. This woman thinks I’m very funny and now you’re gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I’m gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn’t seem so funny.

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Did you find any of these George Costanza quotes amusing dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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19 Best Homer Simpson quotes that’ll make you smile

Best Homer Simpson Quotes These have got to be 19 of the very best Homer Simpson quotes and I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two with readers.

I love the Simpson’s and, in particular, Homer Simpson’s philosophy on life never fails to get me laughing out loud. So today I thought I’d take a look back at some of his most memorable quotes.

If you like the Simpson’s, I’m sure you will enjoy looking back at Homer’s words of wisdom.

Enjoy them all.

Best Homer Simpson quotes:

  1. Trying is the first step towards failure.
  2. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  3. If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
  4. I never apologize. I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.
  5. Marge, you know it’s rude to talk when my mouth is full.
  6. Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
  7. If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.
  8. Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
  9. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
  10. The problem in the world today is communication; too much communication.
  11. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
  12. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
  13. If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
  14. I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
  15. Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do?
  16. Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals; except the weasel.
  17. Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
  18. Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
  19. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Please share this post with your friends:

Do you agree that these are some of the best Homer Simpson quotes?

You do? I hope so anyway.

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Thank you.

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31 great quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

quotes from Larry David in Curb Your EnthusiasmToday I thought it might be amusing to look back at some of the many memorable quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you’re not familiar with this sitcom, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a very funny comedy starring Larry David, playing a fictionalized version of himself.

Essentially the series follows Larry in his life as a semi-retired television writer and producer in his attempt to deal with life’s frustrations and quirks.

For me, it’s one of the great American sitcoms.

There are plenty of Curb Your Enthusiasm clips on YouTube if you want to check out this comedy and, if you’re unfamiliar with it, that’s well worth doing when you have a little free time.

So go ahead and take a look, but not before you’ve enjoyed these memorable quotes now.

Enjoy them all.

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm:

  1. I’m yelling for society.
  2. I find human contact repulsive.
  3. Can I apologise for the apology?
  4. I’m married. I can wear whatever I want.
  5. By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?
  6. I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.
  7. Hey, mind your own business. How about that?
  8. I’ve got ideas, but I choose not to carry them out.
  9. I always think of nice things, but I never act on them.
  10. It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.
  11. Why does everybody have to have pictures of everything?
  12. I’m feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.”
  13. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?
  14. We’re fighting because you’re a moron. That’s why we’re fighting.
  15. I’m sorry if you’re offended. I don’t think I said anything offensive.
  16. You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
  17. I don’t like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.
  18. Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
  19. He wanted to stop and chat with me, and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat.
  20. Can I tell you something about apricots? 1 in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.
  21. A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
  22. Nobody likes a tattle-tale, NOBODY! So go ahead and squeal and you’ll end up in HELL! OKAY!
  23. You can put my colon up next to your colon; we’ll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.
  24. What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?
  25. It’s completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career’s been based on being unprofessional.
  26. An employee is told that the customer’s always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.
  27. You’re nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.
  28. I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbours. The thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things. Neighbours want your time.
  29. I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out ‘Watch out!’ and she said ‘Don’t you tell me what to do!’
  30. You know what? Never mind, alright! I-I’ll take my liver out! I’ll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!
  31. You know what it is? You’re always attracted to someone who doesn’t want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn’t want you; doesn’t even acknowledge your right to exist; wants your destruction! That’s a turn-on.

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50 Funny footballer quotes for soccer fans everywhere

Funny Football QuotesFootball or soccer? The beautiful game is well known by both names around the world. And wherever you go, players can say some silly things at times. So I thought it might be interesting to curate some funny footballer quotes, or if you prefer, funny soccer quotes.

Whether you prefer to call it football or soccer, one thing is true and that’s the players and people associated with the game can say some of the funniest things at times.

Over the years, players, managers, coaches, commentators and pundits have all come up with some memorable quotes and one-liners, some intentional, others inadvertent. Either way, they’re always amusing.

Enjoy them all and then please pass them on.

Funny footballer quotes (1 – 25):

  1. I love these players with two feet. ~Michael Owen
  2. They were numerically outnumbered. ~Garry Birtles
  3. He’s got a lot of self-belief in himself. ~Graham Beecroft
  4. To play Holland you have to play the Dutch. ~Ruud Gullit
  5. I’ve been consistent in patches this season. ~Theo Walcott
  6. Apparently, it’s my fault that the Titanic sank. ~Ian Holloway
  7. I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. ~Stuart Pearce
  8. And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0. ~Ian Darke
  9. I’d like to play for an Italian club like Barcelona. ~Mark Draper
  10. Winning doesn’t really matter as long as you win. ~Vinny Jones
  11. Reading won’t have the confidence to be confident. ~Paul Merson
  12. When you’re 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1. ~Lawrie McMenemy
  13. That would’ve been a goal had it gone inside the post. ~Michael Owen
  14. Some people cannot see a priest on a mountain of sugar. ~Rafa Benitez
  15. If there’s a bit of rain about it makes the surface wet. ~ Michael Owen
  16. Wilkins sends an inch-perfect pass to no one in particular. ~Byron Butler
  17. I couldn’t settle in Italy. It was like living in a foreign country. ~Ian Rush
  18. The Germans only have one player under 22, and he’s 23. ~Kevin Keegan
  19. If we played like this every week we wouldn’t be so inconsistent. ~Bryan Robson
  20. Chile have three options. They could win or they could lose. ~Kevin Keegan
  21. That is a fantastic penalty, but he will be gutted it went wide. ~Michael Owen
  22. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job. ~Brian Clough
  23. If Rojo wasn’t left-footed he’d have used his right for that one. ~Michael Owen
  24. Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you’re 80-20 sure of winning it. ~Ian Darke
  25. Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long about it. ~Martin Tyler

Funny footballer quotes (26 – 50):

  1. Blackburn have got two strikers on and they’re both playing upfront. ~Michael Owen
  2. We didn’t underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  3. For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip. ~John Motson
  4. Diego Maradona – a flawed genius, who has now become a genius who is flawed. ~Bob Wilson
  5. They’re the second-best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that. ~Kevin Keegan
  6. We must have had 99 per cent of the game. It was the other three per cent that cost us the match. ~Ruud Gullit
  7. If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he’s have put grass up there. ~Brian Clough
  8. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is. ~Kevin Keegan
  9. I’m out at the moment, but should you be the chairman of Barcelona, AC Milan or Real Madrid, I’ll get straight back to you. The rest can wait. ~Joe Kinnear
  10. I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the world. But I was in the top one. ~Brian Clough
  11. I never comment on referees, and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. ~Ron Atkinson
  12. It’s definitely hit Defoe’s hand as it’s gone in, but it’s not a handball for me. ~Michael Owen
  13. What a shot, that’s completely unstoppable but the keepers got to do better for me. ~Michael Owen
  14. I’ve had 14 bookings this season, eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable. ~Paul Gascoigne
  15. If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  16. I’d been ill and hardly trained for a week and I’d been out of the team for three weeks before that. So I wasn’t sharp. I got cramp before half-time as well. But I’m not one to make excuses. ~Clinton Morrison
  17. Djimi Traore had to adapt to the English game, and he did that by going out on loan to Lens last season. ~ Ian Rush
  18. I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. ~George Best
  19. My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about seven. ~David Beckham
  20. Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match. ~Ian Wright
  21. What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in football? ~Stuart Hall
  22. I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock. ~Barry Venison
  23. I am a firm believer that, if you score one goal, the other team have to score two to win. ~Howard Wilkinson
  24. If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. ~Terry Venables
  25. I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet. ~David Beckham

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find any of these funny footballer quotes amusing, dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you did enjoy them then please, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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