3 seriously funny jokes that are guaranteed to tickle you

Seriously funny jokesIf you’re searching for some seriously funny jokes dear reader then I’ve got three here just for you which I’m sure will make you laugh.

They all made me laugh, so I hope you enjoy them too.

Here are 3 seriously funny jokes:

1. Bell ringer wanted:

Quasimodo placed an advert in the local newspaper for an assistant bell ringer.

Unfortunately there was just one applicant for the job. What was even more unfortunate was that the man applying for the job had no arms.

Quasimodo looked him up and down and then asked quizzically, “How will you be able to do what will be required of you?

Let me show you,” said the man, who then proceeded to run at the bell and strike it with his head.

Well, that’s really incredible!” exclaimed an astonished Quasimodo. “Could you show me that again?

Sure I can,” said the man, and once again he ran at the bell but this time he missed and fell straight out of the bell tower to his death on the ground below.

A crowd gathered around the corpse lying on the ground. A police officer quickly appeared on the scene and asked, “Can anyone identify this poor man?

Quasimodo responded, “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.

2. Mrs Kelly’s parrot:

Father Malone was new to his Brooklyn parish, and he was visiting one of his parishioners, a little old lady.

Sitting in her living room with a cup of tea, he looked around and noticed she had a pet parrot, which had ribbons tied to each leg.

Father Malone looked for a moment and then he politely enquired, “Mrs Kelly, why does your parrot have ribbons tied to its legs?

Mrs Kelly smiled and said, “Well believe or not father, if I pull the left ribbon he’ll sing ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’, and if I pull the right one he’ll sing, ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ for me.

Really? That’s impressive Mrs Kelly,” responded the priest. “And what happens if you pull both ribbons together?

I’ll fall off the bloody perch!” said the parrot.

3. The tap-dancing duck:

A circus owner walked into a bar in Wyoming where everyone inside was crowded around one table.

In the middle of this table was an upturned flower pot with a duck tap dancing on top of it.

Everyone was cheering at the duck’s antics and the circus owner, having a good nose for a crowd-pleaser, thought this was an attraction he should grab with both hands. So immediately he bought both the duck and the flower pot from the bar’s owner for $1,000.

He took the duck back to his circus and promoted his new attraction heavily. Well, it wasn’t long before people were coming from miles around eager to catch a glimpse of the tap-dancing duck.

Sadly there was widespread disappointment because the duck simply refused to perform. It wouldn’t dance a single step.

Naturally, the circus owner was angry and he returned to the bar immediately with the duck to complain to the man who sold it to him, the bar’s owner.

This duck’s a fraud,” complained the circus owner, “He won’t dance a single step for me!

That’s very odd,” said the bar owner. “Did you remember to light the candle under the flower pot?

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I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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21 silly jokes guaranteed to make your kids smile

Silly JokesKids love silly jokes and quite a few adults do too, including me. Whenever I hear silly jokes I always make a note of them in my journal. Well, they’re always useful for breaking the ice at a dinner parties, if nothing else.

Anyway, today I thought I’d trawl through my journal and put together a collection of some of the best silly jokes just for you dear reader and I hope you enjoy them all.

Certainly I did, both the first time around and on reviewing them now.

Yes, they’re all very silly but they’re guaranteed to make your kids smile.

Silly Jokes:

  • Why did the ant elope?
  • Nobody gnu
  • Why do skunks argue?
  • They like to kick up a stink
  • How do you arrest a pig?
  • Put it in ham cuffs
  • Why do horses look sad?
  • They have long faces
  • Why do coyotes call at night?
  • The rates are cheaper
  • What animal never gets wet?
  • An umbrellephant
  • What makes a chicken blush?
  • Henbarrassment
  • In what key does a cow sing?
  • Beef flat
  • Why don’t anteaters get sick?
  • They’re full of antibodies
  • How do rodents keep their breath fresh?
  • Using mousewash
  • What did the parrot say to the spaniel?
  • I’m a cocker too
  • How do you eat an elephant?
  • One bite at a time
  • What sound does a space turkey make?
  • Hubble, Hubble, Hubble
  • Why are giraffes brave?
  • Because they’re always sticking their next out
  • How many skunks does it take to stink out a room?
  • A phew
  • How does a dolphin make a decision?
  • Flipper coin
  • How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?
  • You get a buzzy tone
  • What’s even better than the cat’s whiskers?
  • The bee’s knees
  • What happened when two American stoats got married?
  • They became the United Stoats of America
  • What do you get from a chicken who’s been drinking whisky?
  • Scotch eggs
  • What’s goes through a fly’s mind on impact with your windscreen?
  • Its ass

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If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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19 Best Homer Simpson quotes that’ll make you smile

Best Homer Simpson Quotes These have got to be 19 of the very best Homer Simpson quotes and I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two with readers.

I love the Simpson’s and, in particular, Homer Simpson’s philosophy on life never fails to get me laughing out loud. So today I thought I’d take a look back at some of his most memorable quotes.

If you like the Simpson’s then I’m sure you too will enjoy looking back at Homer’s words of wisdom.

Enjoy them all.

Best Homer Simpson quotes:

  1. Trying is the first step towards failure.
  2. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  3. If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
  4. I never apologize. I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.
  5. Marge, you know it’s rude to talk when my mouth is full.
  6. Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
  7. If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.
  8. Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
  9. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
  10. The problem in the world today is communication; too much communication.
  11. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
  12. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
  13. If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
  14. I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
  15. Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do?
  16. Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals; except the weasel.
  17. Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
  18. Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
  19. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

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31 quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your EnthusiasmToday I thought it might be amusing to look back at some of the many memorable quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you’re not familiar with this sitcom, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a very funny comedy starring Larry David, playing a fictionalized version of himself. Essentially the series follows Larry in his life as a semi-retired television writer and producer in his attempt to deal with life’s frustrations and quirks.

There are plenty of Curb Your Enthusiasm clips on YouTube if you want to check out this comedy, and that’s well worth doing when you have a little free time.

So go ahead and take a look, but not before you’ve enjoyed these memorable quotes now.

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm:

  1. I’m yelling for society.
  2. I find human contact repulsive.
  3. Can I apologise for the apology?
  4. I’m married. I can wear whatever I want.
  5. By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?
  6. I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.
  7. Hey, mind your own business. How about that?
  8. I’ve got ideas, but I choose not to carry them out.
  9. I always think of nice things, but I never act on them.
  10. It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.
  11. Why does everybody have to have pictures of everything?
  12. I’m feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.”
  13. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?
  14. We’re fighting because you’re a moron. That’s why we’re fighting.
  15. I’m sorry if you’re offended. I don’t think I said anything offensive.
  16. You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
  17. I don’t like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.
  18. Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
  19. He wanted to stop and chat with me, and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat.
  20. Can I tell you something about apricots? 1 in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.
  21. A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
  22. Nobody likes a tattle-tale, NOBODY! So go ahead and squeal and you’ll end up in HELL! OKAY!
  23. You can put my colon up next to your colon; we’ll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.
  24. What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?
  25. It’s completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career’s been based on being unprofessional.
  26. An employee is told that the customer’s always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.
  27. You’re nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.
  28. I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbours. The thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things. Neighbours want your time.
  29. I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out ‘Watch out!’ and she said ‘Don’t you tell me what to do!’
  30. You know what? Never mind, alright! I-I’ll take my liver out! I’ll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!
  31. You know what it is? You’re always attracted to someone who doesn’t want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn’t want you; doesn’t even acknowledge your right to exist; wants your destruction! That’s a turn-on.

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10 silly jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

Silly JokesHere are some silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh.

There’s nothing smutty here, just genuinely good fun.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy a good laugh.

Silly jokes:

  • What do you call zombies in the belfry?
  • Dead ringers

 

  • What’s it called when you borrow money to buy a bison?
  • A buffaloan

 

  • What do you call a rotten hot dog?
  • A rankfurter

 

  • What do you call a hippy’s wife?
  • Mississippi

 

  • What do you call a ghost who only haunts the town hall?
  • The nightmayor

 

  • What do you call a dance for people who hate each other?
  • An avoidance

 

  • What do you call an American sketch drawing?
  • A Yankee doodle

 

  • What do you call a goat that’s a professional comedian?
  • Billy the Kid

 

  • What do you call an ancient Egyptian ruler with no teeth?
  • A gummy mummy

 

  • What do you call a blonde police officer?
  • A fair cop

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If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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21 Del Boy quotes fans of Only Fools and Horses will love

Del Boy QuotesFans of the British television sitcom Only Fools and Horses really do love its lead character, the irrepressible Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter, played by the brilliant actor David Jason. So today I’ve put together a series of some memorable Del Boy quotes which I’m confident fans will love.

If you’re not familiar with the sitcom Only Fools and Horses then I can recommend the many clips you’ll find on YouTube. They’re all very funny.

So take a look at them all when you can but not before you’ve taken a few minutes to enjoy all these memorable Del Boy quotes first. If you’re a loyal fan you’ll love them all, I’m sure.

Del Boy Quotes:

  1. You plonker, Rodney!
  2. Lovely jubbly!
  3. He who dares wins!
  4. You know it makes sense.
  5. I’m a black belt in origami.
  6. This time next year we’ll be millionaires!
  7. They’re yuppies. They don’t speak proper English like what we do.
  8. Rodney, everything between you and I is split straight down the middle: 60-40.
  9. It’s a well-known fact that 90 per cent of all foreign tourists come from abroad.
  10. You can’t trust the Old Bill, can ya? Look at that time they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom.
  11. You’ve always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education. That’s why you’re no good at snooker.
  12. As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, ‘We’ve been done up like a couple of kippers.’
  13. Asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr Kipling if he knows anything about cakes.
  14. Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you’ve ever sailed on, but now you’ve gone and knackered a gravy boat.
  15. There’s no point in running away. Running away only wears out your shoes.
  16. She used to say, ‘It’s better to know you’ve lost than not to know you’ve won.’ Dear old Mum, she used to say some bloody stupid things.
  17. One of my most favourites meals is Duck à l’Orange, but I don’t know how to say that in French.
  18. If you had been in charge of The Last Supper it would have been a takeaway.
  19. I got a Persian rug with more food on it than a menu.
  20. It’s the toughest chicken I’ve ever known. It’s asked me for a fight in the car park twice.
  21. No chance of this happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can’t even get Channel Three!

Bonus Quotes 1:

Fans of this series will know that some of Del Boy’s most memorable quotes are his attempts to display his mastery of the French language. Needless to say, he had no mastery of French, but his attempts at it were very funny.

So here are six of Del Boy’s best French phrases with a note on what he actually meant when he used them:-

  1. Pot Pourri! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘I don’t believe it!’)
  2. Au contraire! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘Hang on a minute!)
  3. Bain-marie! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘No problem!)
  4. Bonnet de douche! (By which Del Boy meant: Excellent!)
  5. Chateauneuf du Pape! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘It’s all gone crazy!’)
  6. Creme de la Menthe! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘The very best.’)

Bonus Quotes 2:

Whilst this post was intended to pay tribute to Del Boy and his many memorable lines in the show, I think it would be remiss of me not to include some honourable mentions of classic lines from other characters.

So here are three that make me smile every time I hear them:-

  1. He died a couple of years before I was born. ~Colin ‘Trigger’ Ball talking about his father.
  2. We might go out, get to know each other a bit, you know. Might like each other, then who knows? In time maybe she might do some ironing for me. ~Denzil Tulser talking about a potential date.
  3. Derek, will you get it into your thick skull, I’m not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I’m happy with you. ~Raquel Turner, in reference to Del Boy’s jealous nature.

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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15 classic Elaine Benes quotes that’ll raise a smile or two

Elaine Benes QuotesStaying with my recent theme of memorable sitcom characters, today I thought it would be entertaining to take a look back at some classic Elaine Benes quotes.

Who can forget this brilliant character, player by the hugely talented Julia Louis-Dreyfus, from the American sitcom Seinfeld?

Elaine was a woman holding her own in a man’s world. She was smart, funny and she brought a little sparkle to the show. However, like all memorable sitcom characters, she was essentially a little flawed too, as you’ll appreciate from the quotes today.

If you love Seinfeld, I’m sure you will be a fan of Elaine Benes.

However, if you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Elaine Benes, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom, and featuring the character Elaine Benes, on YouTube.

They’re all brilliant and definitely well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 classic Elaine Benes quotes, which I’m confident will raise a smile or two, and will probably resonate with many female readers too, I’m sure.

Elaine Benes Quotes:

  1. I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian. ~ Elaine Benes
  2. I had to take a sick day. I’m so sick of these people. ~ Elaine Benes
  3. We just tease someone ’til they develop an eating disorder. ~ Elaine Benes
  4. Well, that’s the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight. ~ Elaine Benes
  5. I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He’s a re-gifter! ~ Elaine Benes
  6. You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn’t necessarily make you a homosexual. ~ Elaine Benes
  7. I can’t do this anymore, it’s too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die! ~ Elaine Benes
  8. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there’s even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off. ~ Elaine Benes
  9. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t break up nicely. I mean, to me, that’s one of the most important parts of a relationship. ~ Elaine Benes
  10. I mean the problem is that the good ones know they’re good. And they know they’re in such demand they’re just not interested in confining themselves to one person. ~ Elaine Benes
  11. That’s the bra I gave her, she’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society. ~ Elaine Benes
  12. Kramer, you don’t understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand. ~ Elaine Benes
  13. You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it. ~ Elaine Benes
  14. Yeah, since she met him she’s been vomited on, her family cabin’s been burned down, she learned her father’s a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going. ~ Elaine Benes
  15. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here’s the one thing you’ve gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it’s over. I mean, something happens to their personality; it’s really quite astounding. It’s like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there. ~ Elaine Benes

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15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes to brighten your day

Cosmo Kramer QuotesOne of the most memorable sitcom characters of all time has to be Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld, played by the excellent Michael Richards. So let’s take a look back at some of the best Cosmo Kramer quotes which made us all smile back in the day.

If you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Cosmo Kramer, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom on YouTube. They’re all brilliant and well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes which I hope will brighten your day.

Cosmo Kramer Quotes:

  1. Look away, I’m hideous.
  2. She’s got the Jimmy legs!
  3. Moles … freckles’ ugly cousin.
  4. Just make love to that wall pervert.
  5. You’re as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.
  6. Yeah, don’t worry, Jerry. We’re right on this guy like stink on a monkey.
  7. Because I’m like ice, buddy. When I don’t like you, you’ve got problems.
  8. Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak you sell the sizzle.
  9. There’s nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of a woman.
  10. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure, my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
  11. Now, what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
  12. Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious.
  13. I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
  14. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!
  15. Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humour. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard.

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15 George Costanza quotes that’ll make you smile

George Costanza QuotesToday dear reader, I thought you might appreciate some amusing quotes by George Costanza.

There have been some wonderful characters in sitcoms over the years and one of the very best, in my opinion, was that lovable loser George Costanza from the US sitcom Seinfeld, played by the excellent Jason Alexander.

George Costanza had a brilliant turn of phrase and his cup was always half-empty. If anyone had drawn the short straw in life it was George. However he gave us so many laughs, and for that we should all be very grateful.

So take a couple of minutes, relax and enjoy all these quotes by George Costanza.

George Costanza Quotes:

  1. I don’t trust men in capes.
  2. If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.
  3. Jerry, just remember it’s not a lie if you believe it.
  4. You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
  5. When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.
  6. If you can’t say something bad about a relationship you shouldn’t say anything at all.
  7. The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
  8. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
  9. I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
  10. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to fail.
  11. You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
  12. Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do a wash once a year.
  13. What’s so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn’t shop there.
  14. You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Nobody tells me it’s them, not me. If it’s anybody, it’s me.
  15. [To Jerry]: Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That’s all I’m askin’. This woman thinks I’m very funny and now you’re gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I’m gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn’t seem so funny.

Please share this post with your friends:

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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15 amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes by Jerry SeinfeldToday I’ve put together some amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld.

Most readers will know that Jerry Seinfeld is an American comedian and probably best known as the star of the successful US sitcom Seinfeld, in which he played a semi-fictionalized version of himself.

Much more than this, Jerry Seinfeld is a hugely successful actor, writer, producer, and director.

As a stand-up comedian, he specializes in observational comedy, which I love, and I would rate him as one of the best comedians of all time.

So take a moment or two to enjoy all of these amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld, and if you like them then please pass them on.

Amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld:

  1. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~Jerry Seinfeld
  2. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. ~Jerry Seinfeld
  3. Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV. ~Jerry Seinfeld
  4. The IRS! They’re like the Mafia. They can take anything they want! ~Jerry Seinfeld
  5. My theory is 98 per cent of all human endeavour is killing time. ~Jerry Seinfeld
  6. I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu. ~Jerry Seinfeld
  7. To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving. ~Jerry Seinfeld
  8. Make no mistake about why these babies are here. They’re here to replace us. ~Jerry Seinfeld
  9. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. ~Jerry Seinfeld
  10. A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. ~Jerry Seinfeld
  11. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not colour, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. ~Jerry Seinfeld
  12. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’ ~Jerry Seinfeld
  13. I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything, which as you know always leads to something, cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. ~Jerry Seinfeld
  14. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’ ~Jerry Seinfeld
  15. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. ~Jerry Seinfeld

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