15 funny work quotes that will certainly resonate with you

funny work quotesToday I thought it would be amusing to explore some funny work quotes.

Personally, I love my work. I love having a sense of purpose and something to get me out of bed each day.

However, not everyone feels the way I do and anyway, it’s never a good idea to take anything too seriously.

Occasionally we must laugh at the nature of human existence. And a good place to start laughing is with the subject of work.

Love it or hate it, it dominates all our lives nevertheless. So today I’ve pulled together 15 funny work quotes to make you smile.

Once again these quotes come from many sources but one, in particular, I must acknowledge and that’s Cool Funny Quotes where you’ll find some of these and many more besides. So check it out.

Funny work quotes:

  1. Hard work never killed anybody but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen
  2. I don’t work on weekends or any other day that ends with “Y”. ~Author Unknown
  3. The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. ~Author Unknown
  4. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx
  5. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ~The Simpsons
  6. If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Where X is work; Y is play, and Z is keeping your mouth shut. ~Albert Einstein (well, maybe!)
  7. As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. ~Tom Goins
  8. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. ~John Gotti
  9. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be ‘meetings.’ ~Dave Barry
  10. He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. ~Paddy O’Dea
  11. Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so close to Monday? ~Author Unknown
  12. Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day! ~Author Unknown
  13. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery. ~Author Unknown
  14. Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels. ~Author Unknown
  15. I once had a job in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. ~Author Unknown

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21 funny quotes you’ll absolutely love

funny quotesI love quotes and I love those funny quotes that make you smile and make you think.

Here are 21 funny quotes to highlight my point. Enjoy them all.

Funny quotes:

  1. Smile today because tomorrow could be worse. ~Anonymous
  2. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. ~Anonymous
  3. I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. ~Anonymous
  4. You’re born free then you’re taxed to death. ~Anonymous
  5. He who wakes up early yawns all day long. ~Anonymous
  6. I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed. ~Anonymous
  7. Those who snore always fall asleep first. ~Anonymous
  8. Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all, intelligence has its limits. ~Anonymous
  9. I just wanted you to know somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. ~Anonymous
  10. “Revenge” sounds so mean, that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.” ~Anonymous
  11. The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you’re with someone you’re not supposed to be seen with. ~Anonymous
  12. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right. ~Anonymous
  13. To make a mistake is human but to blame it on someone else, now that’s even more human. ~Anonymous
  14. It may look like I’m doing nothing but in my head, I’m quite busy. ~Anonymous
  15. When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window. ~Anonymous
  16. Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re done. ~Anonymous
  17. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. ~Anonymous
  18. I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live. ~Anonymous
  19. Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you’re bad luck. ~Anonymous
  20. I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop making me angry! ~Anonymous
  21. My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. ~Anonymous

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15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes to brighten your day

Cosmo Kramer quotes

Photo by Alan Light

One of the most memorable sitcom characters of all time has to be Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld, played by the excellent Michael Richards. So let’s take a look back at some of the best Cosmo Kramer quotes that made us all smile back in the day.

If you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Cosmo Kramer, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom on YouTube. They’re all brilliant and well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes which I hope will brighten your day.

Cosmo Kramer Quotes:

  1. Look away, I’m hideous.
  2. She’s got the Jimmy legs!
  3. Moles … freckles’ ugly cousin.
  4. Just make love to that wall pervert.
  5. You’re as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.
  6. Yeah, don’t worry, Jerry. We’re right on this guy like stink on a monkey.
  7. Because I’m like ice, buddy. When I don’t like you, you’ve got problems.
  8. Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak you sell the sizzle.
  9. There’s nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of a woman.
  10. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure, my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
  11. Now, what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
  12. Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious.
  13. I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
  14. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!
  15. Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humour. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard.

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15 positive quotes by exceptional people to lift your spirits

Positive QuotesLooking for some positive quotes, dear reader? Well, I hope so because today I’ve put together some really interesting quotes from some exceptional people.

The wisdom of successful people is always worth a little bit of your time. Listen to them and you can learn a lot. They’ve been there and they’ve achieved great things, so they must know something, surely?

If you want my advice, always listen to successful people.

So, take a minute or two to reflect on these positive quotes.

Positive Quotes:

  1. Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier. ~Colin Powell
  2. Positive anything is better than negative nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard
  3. Trust in dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity. ~Khalil Gibran
  4. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help you create the fact. ~William James
  5. Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
  6. Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results. ~Willie Nelson
  7. Your smile will give you a positive countenance that will make people feel comfortable around you. ~Les Brown
  8. If you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not doing anything. I’m positive that a doer makes mistakes. ~John Wooden
  9. I believe that you should gravitate to people who are doing productive and positive things with their lives. ~Nadia Comaneci
  10. The most important thing is to try and inspire people so that they can be great in whatever they want to do. ~Kobe Bryant
  11. I like to encourage people to realize that any action is a good action if it’s proactive and there is positive intent behind it. ~Michael J. Fox
  12. You are the sum total of everything you’ve ever seen, heard, eaten, smelled, been told, and forgot. It’s all there. Everything influences each of us. ~Maya Angelou
  13. You can’t make positive choices for the rest of your life without an environment that makes those choices easy, natural, and enjoyable. ~Deepak Chopra
  14. You’re going to go through tough times. That’s life. But I say, ‘Nothing happens to you, it happens for you.’ See the positive in negative events. ~Joel Osteen
  15. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. ~Christopher McCandless

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31 great quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your EnthusiasmToday I thought it might be amusing to look back at some of the many memorable quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you’re not familiar with this sitcom, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a very funny comedy starring Larry David, playing a fictionalized version of himself.

Essentially the series follows Larry in his life as a semi-retired television writer and producer in his attempt to deal with life’s frustrations and quirks.

For me, it’s one of the great American sitcoms.

There are plenty of Curb Your Enthusiasm clips on YouTube if you want to check out this comedy and, if you’re unfamiliar with it, that’s well worth doing when you have a little free time.

So go ahead and take a look, but not before you’ve enjoyed these memorable quotes now.

Enjoy them all.

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm:

  1. I’m yelling for society.
  2. I find human contact repulsive.
  3. Can I apologise for the apology?
  4. I’m married. I can wear whatever I want.
  5. By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?
  6. I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.
  7. Hey, mind your own business. How about that?
  8. I’ve got ideas, but I choose not to carry them out.
  9. I always think of nice things, but I never act on them.
  10. It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.
  11. Why does everybody have to have pictures of everything?
  12. I’m feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.”
  13. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?
  14. We’re fighting because you’re a moron. That’s why we’re fighting.
  15. I’m sorry if you’re offended. I don’t think I said anything offensive.
  16. You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
  17. I don’t like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.
  18. Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
  19. He wanted to stop and chat with me, and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat.
  20. Can I tell you something about apricots? 1 in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.
  21. A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
  22. Nobody likes a tattle-tale, NOBODY! So go ahead and squeal and you’ll end up in HELL! OKAY!
  23. You can put my colon up next to your colon; we’ll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.
  24. What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?
  25. It’s completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career’s been based on being unprofessional.
  26. An employee is told that the customer’s always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.
  27. You’re nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.
  28. I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbours. The thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things. Neighbours want your time.
  29. I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out ‘Watch out!’ and she said ‘Don’t you tell me what to do!’
  30. You know what? Never mind, alright! I-I’ll take my liver out! I’ll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!
  31. You know what it is? You’re always attracted to someone who doesn’t want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn’t want you; doesn’t even acknowledge your right to exist; wants your destruction! That’s a turn-on.

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15 George Costanza quotes that’ll make you smile

George Costanza quotes

Photo by Alan Light

Today dear reader, I thought you might appreciate some amusing quotes by George Costanza.

There have been some wonderful characters in sitcoms over the years and one of the very best, in my opinion, was that lovable loser George Costanza from the US sitcom Seinfeld, played by the excellent Jason Alexander.

George Costanza had a brilliant turn of phrase and his cup was always half-empty. If anyone had drawn the short straw in life it was George. However he gave us so many laughs, and for that, we should all be very grateful.

So take a couple of minutes, relax and enjoy all these quotes by George Costanza.

George Costanza Quotes:

  1. I don’t trust men in capes.
  2. If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.
  3. Jerry, just remember it’s not a lie if you believe it.
  4. You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
  5. When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.
  6. If you can’t say something bad about a relationship you shouldn’t say anything at all.
  7. The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
  8. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
  9. I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
  10. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to fail.
  11. You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
  12. Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pairs. That way I only have to do a wash once a year.
  13. What’s so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn’t shop there.
  14. You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Nobody tells me it’s them, not me. If it’s anybody, it’s me.
  15. [To Jerry]: Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That’s all I’m askin’. This woman thinks I’m very funny and now you’re gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I’m gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn’t seem so funny.

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23 amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld to brighten your day

amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Photo by Alan Light

Today I’ve put together some amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld.

Most readers will know that Jerry Seinfeld is an American comedian and probably best known as the star of the successful US sitcom Seinfeld, in which he played a semi-fictionalized version of himself.

Much more than this, Jerry Seinfeld is a hugely successful actor, writer, producer, and director.

As a stand-up comedian, he specializes in observational comedy, which I love, and I would rate him as one of the best comedians of all time.

So take a moment or two to enjoy all of these amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld, and if you like them then please pass them on.

Amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld:

  1. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
  2. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
  3. Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
  4. The IRS! They’re like the Mafia. They can take anything they want!
  5. My theory is that 98 per cent of all human endeavour is killing time.
  6. I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.
  7. To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.
  8. Make no mistake about why these babies are here. They’re here to replace us.
  9. That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
  10. My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
  11. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.
  12. A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
  13. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’ 
  14. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  15. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not colour, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
  16. Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
  17. The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‘Bye!’
  18. Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
  19. Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That’s when you know the most, you’ve seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.
  20. We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
  21. I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything, which as you know always leads to something, cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
  22. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’ 
  23. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. 

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30 sharp and funny quotes by George Carlin

Funny-Quotes-by-George-CarlinToday I thought it would be a good idea to look back at some funny quotes by George Carlin.

The late George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, philosopher, author, and social critic. He’s probably best known for his sardonic, irreverent wit and his reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various other taboo subjects.

Sadly George Carlin died on June 28, 2008, in Santa Monica, CA. He was 71 years old.

I loved his irreverent wit and I thought he was a very funny man.

If you’re unfamiliar with his work, then it’s worth checking out some of the many videos of his performances that you’ll find on YouTube.

So, here are 30 funny quotes by George Carlin that I’m confident will get you thinking about life, the universe and everything.

Funny quotes by George Carlin (1-15):

  1. I think I am, therefore, I am … I think.
  2. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
  3. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  4. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  5. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
  6. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  7. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
  8. When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.
  9. One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.
  10. The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  11. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
  12. ‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
  13. Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
  14. Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
  15. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

Funny quotes by George Carlin (16-25):

  1. Quotes-by-George-CarlinThink of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
  2. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
  3. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  4. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
  5. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
  6. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
  7. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
  8. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
  9. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
  10. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Funny quotes by George Carlin (26-30):

  1. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
  2. Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
  3. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s 2’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
  4. Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
  5. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

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15 quotes by Dolly Parton reflecting her personal philosophy

Quotes by Dolly PartonIf you’re seeking some quotes by Dolly Parton then I’ve collected an interesting selection for you today dear reader. Specifically, I’ve tried to pick those quotes credited to Dolly that give us an insight into her own personal philosophy.

Dolly Rebecca Parton is undoubtedly one of the great American cultural icons of our age. She’s also a very successful singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, record producer, actress, author, and businesswoman. She’s one very smart lady and an excellent example to follow should you be looking for a role model.

Remember, Dolly Parton was born into a poor family, the fourth of 12 children, and so her success is all down to her own effort. No one handed her anything on a plate.

So, if she could do it then so can you dear reader.

If success is your aim then it always makes sense to look for successful people, see what’s made them successful and then try to copy it. If it worked for them then it might just work for you.

So here are 15 quotes by Dolly Parton which I hope will help you in your quest for wisdom and insight.

Quotes by Dolly Parton:

  1. I don’t kiss anybody’s butt. ~Dolly Parton
  2. Everybody has a purpose. ~Dolly Parton
  3. I will never retire unless I have to. ~Dolly Parton
  4. Smile! It increases your face value. ~Dolly Parton
  5. I’m not trying to be fashionable. Never was! ~Dolly Parton
  6. I have surrounded myself with very smart people. ~Dolly Parton
  7. No one is ever successful at everything that they do. ~Dolly Parton
  8. We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. ~Dolly Parton
  9. You’ll never do a whole lot unless you’re brave enough to try. ~Dolly Parton
  10. Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life. ~Dolly Parton
  11. If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one. ~Dolly Parton
  12. The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. ~Dolly Parton
  13. I’m not going to limit myself just because people won’t accept the fact that I can do something else. ~Dolly Parton
  14. I’m not happy all the time, and I wouldn’t want to be because that would make me a shallow person. But I do try to find the good in everybody. ~Dolly Parton
  15. Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills. ~Dolly Parton

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21 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

witty one-linersNow, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today I offer you 21 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

Witty One-Liners:

  1. I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
  2. If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. ~Ian Smith
  3. Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
  4. As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
  5. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  6. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  7. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  8. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  9. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
  10. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, Ah well, you only live once. ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  11. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
  12. If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
  13. People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
  14. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be? ~Paul McCaffrey
  15. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
  17. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
  18. What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, Two or three. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed ~Josie Long
  19. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  20. Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
  21. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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