Laugh

3 funny stories to tell your friends in the bar

09/18/2021 by Roy Sutton

Dear reader, are you looking for some funny stories to tell your friends in the bar or at parties? If you want to be popular, always having a joke or two to tell your friends is a great way to achieve it.

So enjoy these funny jokes and feel free to pass them on.

Funny stories to tell your friends:

1. Pythagoras pun:

A medieval king was hunting in Africa, and he killed a lion, an elephant and a hippopotamus.

Returning to his kingdom, he awarded the hides from these animals to his three squires. In turn, these three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became increasingly jealous of the Hippo Squire because he possessed, what to them was, the most treasured of the three hides.

So these two jealous squires hatched a plot to kill the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them.

Now the Lion Squire had ten sons and the Elephant Squire had six sons, whilst the Hippo Squire was childless. So the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent their sixteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire and return with the prized hide.

However, in the ensuing battle, the Hippo Squire single-handedly managed to kill all sixteen of the sons.

Thus it is proved that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.

2. Yearning for a child:

Two women are sitting in their doctor’s waiting room and they begin discussing babies.

“I’m desperate to have a baby,” said the first woman. “However I’m starting to think it’ll never happen.”

“I used to think like that,” said the other woman. “But then everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’ll be having my baby in four months.”

“Wow!” said the first woman. “How did it all change for you?

”I went to see a faith healer,” her companion responded.

“Oh,” said the first woman. “My husband and I did try that but unfortunately it didn’t help at all.”

Her pregnant companion smiled, then moved closer to her and whispered, “Next time, try going alone.“

3. Hunting season:

A truck driver hauling a load of computers stops at a roadside diner in California for a coffee and some lunch.

As he enters the diner he notices a sign which says, NO COMPUTER NERDS ALLOWED IN HERE – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK in large red letters.

As the trucker takes his seat at the counter, a stern-looking waitress looks at him suspiciously and then says, “Now listen here buddy, I can smell computers on you. I hope you’re not a nerd.”

“No, mam,” the trucker responds. “I’m hauling a consignment of computers today, so I guess some of their smell has rubbed off on me.”

“Well that’s just fine then,” says the waitress, pouring him a cup of coffee.

As the trucker is taking his first sip of coffee, a skinny guy walks into the diner. He’s wearing black-rimmed glasses, held together with tape, and he’s got a row of pens and pencils in his breast pocket.

Without saying a word, the stern-looking waitress pulls a shotgun from behind the counter and she shoots this skinny guy dead.

The trucker is stunned by what he’s just witnessed. “What did you do that for?” he asks the waitress.

“Don’t worry, sir,” the waitress responds. “Computer Nerds are in season right now because they’re over-populating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license to shoot them.”

So, the trucker finishes his lunch and sets off to complete his delivery.

However, he’s just driving onto Interstate 5 when he has to serve violently to avoid a collision with another vehicle.

As he brings his truck back under control, the back door to his truck bursts open and computers spill all over the highway.

He stops his truck but before he can get around the back, there are computer nerds everywhere gathering up computers and running off with them.

Well, the trucker can’t afford to have his load stolen right from under his nose, so he grabs a shotgun he keeps in his cab and then he shoots several of the nerds dead.

Within seconds a Highway Patrol car has pulled up and the police officer jumps out and orders the trucker to stop shooting at once.

“Why?” says the trucker. “I thought computer nerds were in season.”

“They are,” says the cop, “but you’re not allowed to bait ‘em.”

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did any of these funny stories to tell your friends actually make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

5 short funny stories for adults that’ll raise a smile

09/15/2021 by Roy Sutton

If you’ve been searching for some short funny stories for adults then here are five that will raise a smile, I’m sure.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Short funny stories for adults:

1. The lions and the lamp:

Three hungry lions are wandering across the Serengeti National Park in search of food when they stumble upon an old oil lamp.

Having never seen one before, and being naturally curious, they start sniffing around it. As they’re doing this, one of their tails brushes against the lamp and then there’s a ‘Poof!’ sound.’ A genie is suddenly standing in front of them.

“Lions,” says the genie, “I’m the genie of the lamp and I’ll grant you three wishes. That’s one wish for each of you.”

The first lion’s so hungry he doesn’t need to think very hard.

“I would like a big, juicy piece of meat please,” he says.

Poof! In a flash, there’s the biggest, juiciest piece of meat lying on the ground in front of him.

Well, it’s the turn of the second lion and he’s so hungry he decides he wants even more.

“I want a shower of meat, please,” he says.

Poof! In a flash, there are big, juicy pieces of meat falling from the sky.

Not wishing to be outdone by his friends, the third lion thinks hard for a second or two.

“Got it!” he says. “I want a meatier shower!”

2. Parents know best:

Two young brothers, Will and Jack had very different, extreme personalities.

Their parents quickly realized that Will was a born optimist, whilst Jack was a real pessimist.

So being concerned about them both, their parents decided to take them to see a child psychologist.

The psychologist thought the parents were overreacting and tried to reassure them.

“Mr and Mrs Smith,” he said, “I’m sure you’re exaggerating. I’m happy to review their behaviour for you but I’ll be surprised if your boys are any different to any other young kids.”

In an attempt to allay their fears, he then took Jack into a room filled with the most exciting toys any child could possibly imagine.

Naturally, the psychologist expected to see Jack play with all these toys enthusiastically.

However, Jack just burst into tears.

“What’s the matter?” asked the psychologist. “Don’t you want to play with all these wonderful toys?”

“No!” Jack responded. “I might break them and then I’ll be in big trouble.”

Well, the psychologist was surprised by Jack’s extreme pessimism but he just couldn’t believe that both boys would be quite so different.

So, he decides to take Will into another room.

This room is filled from floor to ceiling with horse manure.

Naturally, the psychologist was expecting Jack to be completely repulsed by the experience.

However, Will was in his element and he quickly started digging at the manure with his bare hands.

“What are you doing?” asked the psychologist. “Why are you digging?”

“With all this manure,” replied Will, “there’s got to be a horse here somewhere!”

Moral of the Story: No one knows kids better than their parents.

3. The new teacher:

A new teacher is sitting with her 6^th grade class for the first time.

Naturally, she’s keen to apply all the techniques she’s learned in her teacher training, and in particular, she’s keen to use what she’s learned in her psychology class.

She stands in front of her class and says, “Right children, everyone who thinks they’re stupid, please stand up.”

Well, for a few minutes there’s silence and no one stands up.

However, just then Little Johnny bravely gets to his feet.

The teacher smiles and says, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?”

“No mam,” Johnny responded, “but it’s not fair, you standing there all on your own.”

4. On the Starship Enterprise:

On the Starship Enterprise, Captain Kirk is chatting with Doctor Spock one day.

“Spock,” says Captain Kirk, “you always remain calm and good-natured, even when you’re talking to people who are obviously far less intelligent than you. How do you do it?”

“Well, Jim,” says Spock. “I convey my contempt for people I consider inferior to me by simply agreeing with whatever they say.”

“Really?” says Captain Kirk. “That’s absolutely ridiculous!”

“I completely agree with you, Jim,” Spock responded with a smile.

5. Telling the time:

Two old Army buddies, Jim and Pete, are sitting up late at night enjoying a bottle of the finest Scotch and reminiscing about old times in foreign places.

They’ve been drinking all evening and they’re starting to get a little tipsy, to say the least.

Eventually, Jim asks, “What time is it?”

To which Pete responds, “I don’t know but give me your old bugle.”

“Why?” Jim asks. “How can you tell the time with a bugle?”

“It’s easy,” says Pete. “Just watch me.”

Jim passes him the bugle and Pete starts playing Reveille very, very loudly.

Within seconds a voice shouts from the floor above, “Who the hell’s playing the bugle at one o’clock in the morning?”

Please share this post with your friends:

Dear reader, did any of these short funny stories for adults make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

21 best puns ever and guaranteed to make you smile

09/12/2021 by Roy Sutton

I love wordplay, especially that form of wordplay that exploits multiple meanings of words for humorous effect.

I think clever puns are brilliant, which is why I’ve been searching the Internet for some of the best ones.

Here of 21 of the best puns I’ve found, so let me know what you think.

As always when searching the net for wit and wisdom, it’s difficult to confirm the original author. Should you be one of them dear reader then please let me know. That way I can give you full credit for your brilliance.

Best puns ever:

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
I hate peer pressure and you should too.
Ladies, if he doesn’t appreciate your fruit jokes, let that mango.
I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
I’m a born pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she’s a keeper.
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where’s the bartender?”
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well, it’s just gathering dust.
What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
A cop knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes but my dogs don’t even own bikes.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. That must be a milestone.
To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing.
This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that’s a nice Jester.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda then I realised it was just a Fanta sea.
A wife shouted to her husband that moose were falling from the sky. No, it’s just reindeer, he responded.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns but I realized that toucan play at that game.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these the best puns ever? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

3 funny joke stories that’ll raise a smile in any social gathering

09/08/2021 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for funny joke stories to tell your friends in the bar after work then here are three you’ll really enjoy.

I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two, so please feel free to pass them on.

Funny joke stories:

1. Rick and the Biker:

Rick is sitting at the counter in a roadside bar in Austin staring at his drink when a very large and mean-looking biker is suddenly standing right next to him. The biker grabs Rick’s, as yet, untouched drink and swallows it in one gulp.

“That tasted real good boy,” said the biker, punching Rick on the shoulder. “So, what are you going do about it?”

Well, Rick just bursts into tears.

“Oh, man-up,” says the biker. “I can’t stand seeing a man crying. What’s your problem, buddy?”

“This is the worst day of my life,” Rick responds. “I’m a complete failure. I missed my sales targets again this month and I got fired. When I left the office, I discovered that my car had been stolen from the parking lot and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I had to take to get home. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with the mailman. And then my dog bit me.”

The biker’s attitude towards Rick softened a little.

“I came into this bar to work up enough courage to end it all,” Rick continued. “I bought my drink and dropped a Strychnine capsule into it. The capsule has just fully dissolved when you showed up and swallowed the whole damn drink in one gulp.”

Rick paused momentarily and then said, “Anyway, enough about me. How’s your day going?”

2. Father Murphy and Samson:

A Roman Catholic priest, Father Murphy, is driving through North Carolina on his way to Wilmington.

Suddenly his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. However he’s fairly close to a farm, so he decides to see whether the farmer can help him.

Father Murphy finds the farmer, who’s ploughing one of his fields.

“Sir,” said Father Murphy. “I’m on my way to Wilmington and my car’s broken down. Can you help me?”

“I’m sorry but there’s no one around here who can help you fix your car Father,” says the farmer. “However, I could lend you one of my horses.”

“Well, beggars can’t be choosers,” Father Murphy responds. “So, I appreciate your help and I’ll gladly accept your offer.”

“OK,” says the farmer. “You can take Samson. He’s a good Christian horse.”

“Really,” Father Murphy responds. “How can you tell he’s Christian?”

“Well, if you want Samson to move forward, you have to say Praise the Lord,” says the farmer. “And if you want him to stop you have to say Amen.”

The priest sets off on Samson but very quickly he’s forgotten the farmer’s instructions. Then a few miles down the road, the horse is spooked when a car backfires with a loud bang.

The horse bolts and is galloping at speed towards the edge of a cliff. Father Murphy is struggling to gain control of Samson.

“STOP, STOP, SSSTTTTOOOPPPPP!” yells the priest.

Seeing nothing is working, Father Murphy starts reciting the Lord’s Prayer out loud, in the hope he might benefit from some divine intervention from the good Lord above.

As he gets to the end of the prayer, naturally Father Murphy says, “Amen!”

They’re at the very edge of the cliff at this point when suddenly the horse stops just in time to avoid a very long fall down to the jagged rocks far below.

Father Murphy breathes a sigh of relief that God has answered his prayer and he says, “Praise the Lord!”

3. The rat and the frog:

A guy walks into a Manhattan bar and he says to the bartender, “Hey buddy, if I show you a really good trick will you give me a free drink?”

“Well,” says the bartender, “if it’s really good I will.”

So the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small rat.

He then reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano with a tiny piano stool.

He sits the rat at the piano and it then proceeds to play the Scott Joplin classic, The Entertainer.

“Wow, that’s impressive,” says the bartender, giving the guy his free drink.

The man takes a sip at his ice-cold beer and then he says to the bartender, “If I can show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks all night?”

“Listen, buddy, I can’t see how you’ll top that,” says the bartender, “but if you can, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a tiny frog. The frog then begins to sing, accompanied by the rat playing Hit the Road, Jack.

As the guy’s enjoying his free drinks, a stranger who’d been watching the performance walks up to him and says, “I’ll give you “$100,000 for the frog.”

“The frog’s not for sale,” the guy responds.

“How about $250,000?” the stranger asks.

“No, the frog’s not for sale,” the guy responds

“OK,” says the stranger. “I’ll give you $500,000 for the frog. That’s my last offer.”

“You’ve got yourself a deal, mister,” says the guy, giving the stranger the frog once the money’s been transferred to his bank account, via the stranger’s smartphone.

Having watched the transaction, the bartender says to the guy, “You must be nuts letting the frog go for $500,000. It’s got to be worth millions.”

The guy smiled and said, “Not really.”

“What do you mean?” asked the bartender.

“Well,” the guy responds, “the rat’s a ventriloquist.

Please share this post with your friends:

Dear reader, did these funny joke stories make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

3 funny stories with a twist that’ll make you laugh

09/02/2021 by Roy Sutton

If you’re in need of a laugh, then here are 3 funny stories with a twist, which might just help.

I thought they were all funny and I hope you do too.

Please enjoy them all and then feel free to pass them on.

Funny stories with a twist:

1. The Jigsaw Puzzle:

Joe lives next door to a slightly dotty old lady in her 90s named Mabel.

One day Joe gets a phone call from Mabel and she says to him, “Joe, can you please come over and help me? I’ve got a complicated jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

So Joe thinks for a second and then he asks Mabel, “What’s the picture meant to be when it’s finished, Mabel?”

“The picture on the box is a rooster,” Mabel responds.

Joe’s busy but Mabel’s a dear old lady, so he decides to go over to help her.

Mabel welcomes Joe and escorts him into her dining room where the box and its contents are all over her dining table.

Joe surveys the situation in front of him and then he turns to Mabel and says, “Mabel, I have to tell you, there’s no way we’ll be assembling these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

“Why’s that Joe?” Mable asks.

Joe smiles benevolently and then says, “Mabel, why don’t you make me a nice cup of tea.”

“OK Joe,” says Mabel with a smile.

And then Joe sighs deeply and says, “While you’re making the tea, I’ll put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

2. Finding work:

Jim is a young guy living in a small town who fails to graduate from High School.

Having left school his father says to him, “Son, you failed High School but you’re a man now, so you must contribute some money to the household if you want to live here. So, get a job or you’ll have to find somewhere else to live.”

Naturally, Jim’s concerned about finding work without any qualifications. The local economy’s in bad shape and work prospects in the area are slim, at best.

However, there are three factories in town willing to hire the unskilled but they all have bad reputations as employers.

Having little choice, Jim gets a job at the factory widely regarded as the best of the three.

The experience of his first day is truly awful and he hates the place. Everyone is so miserable and people don’t speak with each other. Nevertheless, Jim is determined he’ll stick it out and try to make the best of it.

Two weeks go by and Jim gets his first paycheck.

It isn’t much but he takes it home with pride to show his father.

His father looks at the check and then says, “Son, this isn’t good enough. I’m not happy at all.”

Jim panics and says, “Pa, I’ll do better. Don’t kick me out. Just give me a chance.”

He then goes out and gets himself a job at the factory widely regarded as the second-best of the three.

His experience of the first day in his new job is even worse than before. People look downtrodden and broken by their miserable lives. Everyone’s unhappy.

However, Jim’s determined that he won’t let his father down.

Two weeks go by and Jim gets his first paycheck.

Again, it isn’t much but he takes it home with pride to show his father.

His father looks at the check and then says, “Son, what are you thinking? This isn’t good enough either.”

Well, Jim feels awful. However, he goes out and gets a job at the factory widely regarded as the worst in town.

The experience of his first day is the saddest you can imagine. Other employees are sobbing and some are even suicidal, seeing the natural release of death as being preferable to their miserable existence.

Every day is a struggle for Jim but he sticks at it and after two weeks he gets his first paycheck.

Fearing his father’s reaction, Jim stumbles on home, broken and assuming his fate would be to be thrown out onto the street.

He gets home and hands his father the check, fearing the worst.

His father looks at the check, then looks Jim in the eye and says, “Son, this is OK now. You’ve done a saddest factory job.”

3. Cure for coughing:

Johnny was a clerk in a drugstore but he really wasn’t very good at his job. However hard he tried, he could never find the item the customer wanted.

His boss, Bert, had really had enough of him and he gave Johnny a warning that unless he started making sales immediately, he’d have to let him go.

As luck would have it, within minutes, a man walks into the drugstore with a cough and he asks Johnny for their best cough syrup.

Though he tried hard, Johnny couldn’t find the cough syrup. However, with Bert’s warning still ringing in his ears, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax with the recommendation that he consumes the contents all at once.

The customer did as he was told and then walked into the street and promptly leaned up against a lamppost.

Now Bert had been observing Johnny’s performance from afar and he came over and asked him what had transpired.

“Well boss, he wanted cough syrup but I couldn’t find it, so I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take them all at once,” said Johnny.

“That’s absurd! Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough,” Bert reacted angrily.

“Sure it will,” said Johnny. “Look at him now, leaning on that lamppost. He’s too afraid to cough.”

Please share this post with your friends:

Dear reader, did these funny stories with a twist make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

10 original Limerick poems for your entertainment

08/25/2021 by Roy Sutton

Today I’ve written 10 Limerick poems just for you, dear reader. They’re all original and written by me. I hope you enjoy them all.

Limerick Poems:

An intrepid young Scouser named Will
Travelled to Manaus in Brazil
In a bar for his lunch
He was served a fruit punch
By a Liverpool girl called Jill

There was a good Catholic from Gwent
Who gave up smoking for Lent
The days went by
With not a smoke on the sly
And a great deal of money not spent

A munitions expert called Tom
Was dispatched to defuse an old bomb
He approached it with care
Tension filling the air
But he completed his task with aplomb

An Irish lad named Buchanan
Agreed to be shot from a canon
The canon went bang
And he landed slap-bang
In a cowpat the size of Dungannon

An Italian gent named Ricardo
Had a crush on Brigitte Bardot
He was in a bazaar
In Morocco’s Kasbah
And there she was in a bar called Farrago

There was an old lady named Mo
Who drove her car really slow
No one asked why
They didn’t like to pry
And nor did they need to know

There was a young girl named Miranda
Sat on her mother’s veranda
Studying Lenin and Marx
Before she embarks
On a life of spreading propaganda

There was a young guy called Phillipe
At work, he kept falling asleep
In the afternoon he would snore
Behind a closed door
Whilst the clock towards five it would creep

A girl from Yorkshire called Jean
Had a reputation for being a bit mean
Before going to bed
She’d eat two slices of bread
With cheap luncheon meat in between

In Jamaica, a fella called Jimbo
Volunteered to dance the limbo
He gave it his best
The crowd was impressed
And he pulled an attractive young bimbo

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you enjoy some of these Limerick poems? I hope you did, anyway.

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post, please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

32 witty, one-liner jokes about getting old to make you smile

08/21/2021 by Roy Sutton

Looking for some jokes about getting old, dear reader? Well, today I can offer you 32 of them.

Whether you’re young or old, I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to a few of them.

I hope you enjoy them all and I hope they make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

So take a few moments to read them all and then, please pass them on.

Jokes about getting old:

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Women rarely admit their age; men rarely act it.
I’m so old that my first car was a covered wagon.
How come everyone my age seems older than me?
I’m at the age where I can’t keep up with all the things I hate.
A wise man remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age.
I’m so old I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.
Regular naps will prevent old age, especially if taken whilst driving.
Ageing gracefully is the polite way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
You know you’re old when dining out means catching the early bird special.
We were so poor growing up we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.
You know you’re old when people call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
I believe in loyalty. So, when I got to a certain age I decided to stick with it.
My wife’s so vain, she’d rather pay full price than admit she’s a senior citizen.
I’d like to say I’m ageing like fine wine but in my case, it’s more like a fine banana.
I like older women because they’re used to life’s disappointments, so they’re ready for me.
When you’re old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you’re there.
Old age is when your old classmates are so grey, wrinkled and bald that they no longer recognize you.
If it’s your birthday today, you should congratulate yourself. Especially if you’re still able to remember it.
The older I get, the more cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?
You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
The skill of the diplomat is the ability to tell someone to go to Hell in such a way that they’ll look forward to the trip.
Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.
The best moment of a woman’s life isn’t giving birth, it’s seeing an old adversary and realizing how fat and ugly she is now.
When you’re young you make a lot of noise just having fun. When you’re old, you make even more noise just bending over.
I wanted to look distinguished in my old age, so I grew a beard. Turns out the statement I’m making is more like, “Discount please, I’m a senior!”
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. Fortunately, my older brother told me about it.
When I was young I did stupid things because I didn’t know any better. Now I know better I still do stupid things but I can’t help it.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then I remember that death will be normal for my age at some point.
I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.
When you’re young, embarrassment is forgetting to zip up your fly. When you’re old, embarrassment is forgetting to unzip your fly.
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right one for me.

Please share this post with your friends:

Dear reader, did these jokes about getting old make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

25 silly jokes for kids and some adults too

08/20/2021 by Roy Sutton

Looking for some silly jokes for kids, dear reader?

Well, if you are a younger reader, I’m confident that you might enjoy a few of these silly jokes on offer today. You might enjoy telling them to your friends too.

Then again, perhaps you’re an adult looking for a few jokes you can share with your children? Some of these might just do the trick.

Whatever you age, I hope you enjoy them all.

And if you do enjoy them, please pass them on.

Silly jokes for kids:

- What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?
- A doctorpus

- What goes cloppity-clip?
- A horse walking backwards

- What’s pointed in one direction and headed in the other?
- A pin

- What do you call a bike that keeps biting people?
- A vicious cycle

- What do you call a Yeti in a classic British red telephone box?
- Stuck

- What do you call a watch in the 25th Century?
- Future-wrist-tic

- What do you call a pig in a butcher’s shop?
- A pork chop

- What do you call a bee born in May?
- A maybe

- What do you call an overweight alien?
- An extra-cholesterol

- What do you call it when a chicken sees a salad?
- Chicken Caesar salad

- What’s an inkling?
- A baby fountain pen

- What’s green and fluffy?
- A seasick poodle

- What can you hold without ever touching it?
- A conversation

- What do you call a Scottish parrot?
- A Macaw

- What do you call an elephant that mutters?
- A mumbo jumbo

- What do you call a pickle that draws?
- A dillustrator

- What do you call someone who steals pigs?
- A hamburglar

- What do you call a tree that fits into your hand?
- A palm

- What do you call an old volcano?
- A blast from the past

- What’s the best way to stop your food from going off?
- Eat it

- What do you call a man who catches bluebottles with a fishing rod?
- A fly fisherman

- What lies in the forest, a hundred feet up in the air?
- A dead centipede

- What goes up but doesn’t come down?
- Your age

- How many sides does a barrel have?
- Two. Inside and outside

- How many people are buried in a cemetery?
- All of them

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So did these silly jokes for kids prove to be as hilariously funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

3 hilariously funny jokes that will definitely tickle you silly

08/18/2021 by Roy Sutton

Today I offer you three hilariously funny jokes that will definitely tickle you, dear reader. Well, they certainly tickled me anyway. So take a moment or two to enjoy them all.

Hilariously funny jokes:

1. Car trouble:

Jane was driving along Interstate 5 on her way to San Diego when her old car suddenly died on her. Naturally, she called out a local mechanic to help her.

The mechanic arrived and said, “Howdy mam, what seems to be the problem?”

“Well”, said Jane, “I was just driving along when suddenly I lost all power and the car came to a complete standstill.”

“Well let me just take a look for you mam”, said the mechanic.

At which he lifts the hood and gives the engine a cursory glance before whacking something very hard with a hammer.

“Try it now mam”, said the mechanic.

To Jane’s amazement, when she turned the key, the car burst into life again.

“That’s incredible!” said Jane. “You’ve been here for less than 30 seconds and you’ve already got it going again. I’m very grateful. Thank you.”

“All part of the service mam!” the mechanic responded, before adding, “That’ll be $250.”

Jane couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. “How much?” she said. “How can it be $250 when all you did was hit something with a hammer?”

“Well mam”, said the mechanic, “I can produce an itemised bill if you like.”

“Yes please”, said Jane, “you do that! It’ll make interesting reading.”

So the mechanic started tapping something into an iPad and then he printed it out on a printer in his truck. He then handed Jane the bill. It read:

2. The new bus driver:

The new bus driver pulled his bus up at the bus stop and on stepped a giant of a man who said to the driver, “Big John don’t pay!” before walking off and taking his seat.

Well Big John was aptly named, he really was a monster of a man and the driver was small and skinny, so he figured that a confrontation with Big John may not end well. Not for him anyway. So he let it go.

The next day the same thing happened. The bus stopped, Big John got on, and once again he told the driver, “Big John don’t pay!” before going straight to his seat.

Again the new driver was reluctant to challenge him because of his size.

Well, this became a daily occurrence and increasingly the new bus driver began to resent being afraid of Big John.

So he decided to sign up for a bodybuilding class at his local gym. He figured that if he was more muscular he’d be equipped to challenge Big John and force him to pay the fare. This became an obsession with him and he worked hard on it.

Before long the bus driver had rippling muscles where once there had only been skin and bone. And as his physical appearance became more impressive, the driver felt confident and ready to confront Big John the next time he got on his bus.

Sure enough, at the usual stop, onto the bus stepped Big John, with his usual declaration, “Big John don’t pay!”

“Now just hold it there fella!” said the driver, ready and waiting for a confrontation. “And just why don’t Big John pay?”

Well, the situation was tense momentarily as Big John reached into his pocket and the driver began to wonder whether he’d done the right thing after all.

Then Big John smiled as he withdrew his hand from his pocket and said, “Because I’ve got this bus pass!”

3. Native American Chief:

Bill was studying for a Masters Degree in American Studies at the University of London. He loved American culture, so naturally, he was a regular traveller to the USA. In particular, he liked getting to know real America beyond the obvious tourist destinations.

On one trip he was staying in a hotel in Cheyenne, Wyoming when he saw an old Native American chief in full native dress sitting in the lobby.

“Wow, who’s that?” Bill asked the desk clerk.

“Oh, that’s Chief Elephant’s Memory,” the clerk responded.

“Why’s he called Chief Elephant’s Memory?” asked Bill.

“Because he’s 93 and he still has the most amazing memory. He never forgets anything,” said the clerk. “You might not believe this but he can actually remember every single detail of his life with immediate recall.”

“Really?” Bill said, intrigued by what he was being told.

So Bill walked up to the Chief and said, “Hi there, I hope you don’t mind but I’ve heard you have the most amazing memory. They say you can remember every detail of your life. Can you tell me what you had for breakfast on your eighteenth birthday?”

“Eggs”, replied the Chief quietly.

Bill was amazed at this response but as he walked away the desk clerk called him over and said, “Hey buddy when you speak to one of our Native Americans you don’t say ‘Hi there’, it’s common courtesy to address them by saying, ‘How!’.”

Bill thanked the clerk for putting him right and promised he’d remember that next time.

One year later Bill’s back in Cheyenne again. He’s in the same hotel when he spots the same old Native American chief sitting in the lobby.

Remembering the desk clerk’s advice from his previous visit he walks up to the Chief and says, “How!”

“Sunny-side up”, the Chief responded.

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So did these hilariously funny jokes prove to be as hilariously funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read, please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

08/05/2021 by Roy Sutton

Do you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some of the contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25 which I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them and then please pass them on.

Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
The importance of teamwork is there’s always someone else to blame.
We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
The other man’s grass may be greener but at least you don’t have to mow it.
If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, and what they really mean is you need to listen.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
My boss asked whether it was me or him that was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows that he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.

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So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

Funny stories to tell your friends:

1. Pythagoras pun:

2. Yearning for a child:

3. Hunting season:

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Short funny stories for adults:

1. The lions and the lamp:

2. Parents know best:

3. The new teacher:

4. On the Starship Enterprise:

Please share this post with your friends:

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Best puns ever:

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Funny joke stories:

1. Rick and the Biker:

2. Father Murphy and Samson:

3. The rat and the frog:

Please share this post with your friends:

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Funny stories with a twist:

1. The Jigsaw Puzzle:

2. Finding work:

3. Cure for coughing:

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Limerick Poems:

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Jokes about getting old:

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Silly jokes for kids:

Please share this post with your friends:

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Hilariously funny jokes:

1. Car trouble:

2. The new bus driver:

3. Native American Chief:

Please share this post with your friends:

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

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Other articles that might appeal to you:

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