Laugh Archives - Roy Sutton

5 short jokes that will have you rolling on the floor laughing

02/08/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. The Brown Bear:

Two friends, Bill and George were out hiking in the Katmai National Park in Alaska when suddenly they see a brown bear ambling along in their direction.

Bill immediately takes out a pair of running shoes from his backpack and then sits down to replace his heavy hiking books with his Nikes.

George is puzzled by Bill’s actions, so naturally he asks, “Bill why are you putting on your running shoes right now?”

“George you don’t seriously think I’m going to hang around until we’re spotted by that bear, do you?” Bill responds.

“Bill, don’t be ridiculous,” said George “you’ll never outrun a brown bear.”

“I don’t have to outrun the bear,” Bill responded “I only have to outrun you!”

With that Bill disappeared into the distance shouting back as he went, “Good luck with that bear George.”

Moral of the Story: When it’s you or the other guy, make sure it’s not you.

2. The Efficiency Expert:

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant in Manhattan called The Lemon Tree.

As the waiter was taking our order I noticed he had a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange but initially I ignored it.

However when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I couldn’t help noticing that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

And then as I gazed around the restaurant I could see that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.

So when the waiter came back to serve the soup naturally I enquired, “Why is every member of staff here carrying a spoon?”

“Well,” said the waiter, “the restaurant’s owner hired consultants from McKinsey to improve our processes. After several weeks of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. They calculated that there was a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.”

“Are you serious?” I felt compelled to ask.

“Yes sir!” said the waiter. “They concluded that if our people are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it at this point I managed to drop my spoon and he replaced it with the spare from his pocket immediately.

He then explained, “I’ll simply get another spoon when I next go to the kitchen, rather than making a special trip there right now.”

Such efficiency was impressive.

I then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I could see that all of the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies too.

Puzzled by this I asked the waiter, “Why do you all have string hanging from the fly in your trousers?”

“Oh!” he said, lowering his voice, “The McKinsey consultants concluded that this will help us save time when we have to visit the restroom during a shift.”

“How so?” I enquired.

“Well,” he said, “by tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This shortens the time spent in the restroom by 39% they think.”

“Wow!” I said. “But how do you put it back in your trousers once you’ve finished?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

3. The Counterfeiters:

A couple of small time counterfeiters, Jack and Earl had managed to get hold of a small stock of the actual paper used for printing American currency. This was a genuine stroke of luck and they intended to make the most of it. So they set about printing some twenty dollar bills.

However they’d been drinking heavily beforehand and their attention to the job wasn’t all that it should have been. Nevertheless they printed off their counterfeit currency and then staggered off to bed.

The following morning when they’d sobered up they looked at their previous night’s work and suddenly realized they’d printed $18 dollar bills by mistake.

“Oh, no!” said Jack. “We’ve used all the paper, so we can’t print them off again, can we?”

“No problem,” said Earl. “All we need to do is find some little hick town in the hills somewhere and go into a store and ask some inbred to change them for lower denomination notes.”

“Do you think that will work?” said Jack.

“Sure!” said Earl “And I know just the place.”

So Jack and Earl got in their car with all the counterfeit currency and headed for a little hick town in NowheresVille.

Eventually they came to a tiny little town deep in the hills which had just one single store. So they stopped and entered the store.

Jack handed one of the counterfeit $18 bills to the guy behind the counter and politely asked, “Hey buddy, would you mind changing this for some lower denomination notes please? If you could, that would be appreciated.“

The clerk looked at the $18 bill, smiled and said, “Sure, no problem. What’s your preference, two nines or three sixes?“

4. The Thoughtful Husband:

Sometime after Stephen had died his widow, Alice was finally able to speak about what a wonderful and thoughtful man her late husband had been.

“Stephen thought of everything“, she told her friend Mabel. “You know, just before he died, Stephen called me to his bedside and he handed me three envelopes.“

“Really?” said Mabel. “And what did he say?”

“He said, Alice I have put my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I’ve instructed. Then I can rest in peace,” Alice responded.

“So, what was in the envelopes?” Mabel enquired.

“In the first envelope there was $5,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such thick padding in the lining that I know Stephen is resting very comfortably.” Alice responded.

“Really?” said Mabel.

“Yes” said Alice, “And in the second envelope there was $10,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I arranged a very dignified funeral for Stephen, attended by all his friends and family.”

“So what was in the third envelope?” asked Mabel.

“The third envelope contained $50,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this to buy a suitable stone so I’m remembered’.” Alice responded.

At this point, she held up her hand to Mabel and pointed to the ten carat diamond ring on her finger.

“So Mabel,” said Alice, “do you like the stone?“

5. The Hearing Test:

Bill was concerned about his elderly wife’s hearing. So he decided to test it without telling her.

He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, “Honey can you hear me?“

There was no response.

So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, “Honey can you hear me?“

Still he got no response.

So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice, shouting in her ear, “HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

His wife put down her newspaper and turned towards him saying, “Bill, I said ‘Yes’ three times already!“

Moral of the Story: Don’t assume someone else is the source of a problem. It could be you who’s the problem.

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3 funny stories guaranteed to make you laugh

02/01/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

The boasting Texan:

Gus was a proud Texan who’d never been outside the United States before. So he decided he’d take a vacation in Canada.

On arriving at Toronto Pearson international airport he took a cab to his downtown hotel.

During the ride into the city they passed Queen’s Park and Gus was a little curious to learn something about the place.

So he said to the cab driver, “Hey buddy, what’s that?”

“Well”, said the cab driver with a sense of pride, “that park is the site of the Ontario Legislative Building which houses the Legislative Assembly of Ontario. It’s like your State government. Believe it or not, those buildings are over 100 years old and they’re big don’t you think?”

Gus was unimpressed. “That’s nothing”, he said. “Back in Texas we have older buildings that are twice as big.”

Then they drove passed the skyscraper known as First Canadian Place.

“And what’s that?” asked Gus.

“Oh, that’s Canada’s tallest skyscraper”, said the cab driver. “Believe it or not that’s 978 feet high and it took four years to build.”

“Only 978 feet, that’s not very tall,” Gus responded. “Back home we have much taller buildings and they were all built in half the time. In the United States that building wouldn’t even make the list of Top 10 tallest buildings.”

Naturally at this point the cab driver was starting to feel a little irritated by Gus’s boasting.

Soon they were driving past the CN Tower.

Gus stared at it momentarily and then asked the cab driver, “And what’s that buddy?”

The cab driver looked at the structure and then smiled, “Oh, that’s just a Canadian pepper grinder.”

The wrong priorities:

Jeff was a very successful, young lawyer who was involved in a terrible car crash on the freeway.

The whole of the driver’s side of Jeff’s Maserati had been ripped clean off, along with his left arm.

He was staggering out of the wreckage when a motorcycle police officer arrived at the scene.

Jeff was clearly in a state of shock, mumbling, “Oh my God! My car! Look at my car!”

Seeing how badly Jeff was injured, the police officer said, “Sir, please try to stay calm. We need to be more concerned about your personal injuries, rather than any damage to your car.”

Jeff slowly looked down to where his left arm has once been and then suddenly he screamed, “Oh my God! My Rolex has gone! Where’s my Rolex?”

The Psychiatric Hospital:

Jim and Rita were long-term patients in a psychiatric hospital.

One day they were walking past the hospital’s therapeutic swimming pool when, suddenly, Jim threw himself into the deep end.

Knowing Jim couldn’t swim at all, Rita dived straight in after him and dragged him to the safety of the poolside.

As luck would have it the head psychiatrist saw exactly what happened and recognized just how brave Rita had been in the circumstances.

In recognition of her bravery it was decided that she was ready to be discharged from the hospital, as her actions suggested that she was now mentally sound.

So the head psychiatrist called her into his office to tell Rita about the review panel’s decision.

“Rita”, said the head psychiatrist, “I have some good news for you. Unfortunately I also have some bad news for you too.”

“What’s the good news?” asked Rita.

“Well, in recognition of your bravery in saving the life of another patient”, said the head psychiatrist, “We think you’ve shown you’ve regained a sound mind, so it’s been decided that you’re ready to be discharged.”

“That’s good”, said Rita. “But what’s the bad news?”

“Well Jim subsequently hanged himself with the belt of his robe in the washroom. Unfortunately he’s dead”, the head psychiatrist responded.

“No, doctor” said Rita, “he didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

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10 funny but stupid jokes that’ll make your children howl laughing

01/25/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

One of life’s great joys is sharing a laugh with children.

There’s nothing quite as infectious as a child laughing uncontrollably, I’m sure you’ll agree with that dear reader.

All you need is a little ammunition in the form of a book of stupid jokes and you’re well on your way to creating memories that will last a lifetime.

Just recently I stumbled upon a very funny book that works a treat with young children.

The book is Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell and I think it’s hilarious. It’s absolutely stuffed full of the sort of stupid jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers.

It contains an excellent collection of over 2,500 hilariously funny and silly jokes all guaranteed to get a child laughing.

So take a break from the smartphones and iPads and you can have hours of fun making your children laugh and showing them there’s life beyond electronic gadgets.

Each joke has a simple two line structure, poking fun at everything from addled animals to witless wizards. These are jokes that children will love and they’ll be keen to share them with their friends.

This collection of jokes will allow children to dazzle their friends, disarm their enemies and impress their teachers.

And remember; if a child has a stock of jokes to tell then they’ll always be popular with their peer group.

So I’ve got to tell you dear reader, you can’t lose with this book. It’s inexpensive and a sure-fire winner.

Allow me to offer you some examples of the wit and humour that you’ll find between the covers of Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell:-

Sample of the jokes you’ll find:

What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals

Why do cows lie down when it’s cold?
To keep each udder warm

Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angel fish

Why don’t bears wear socks?
Because they like to walk in their bear feet

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra

What’s out of bounds?
An exhausted kangaroo

Why are anteaters good workers?
Because a little aardvark never hurt anyone

Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret?
Because pigs are squealers

What do porcupines have that other animals don’t?
Baby porcupines

Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire?
She wanted to lay it on the line

The book Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell is available from Amazon and if you’d like to take a Look Inside or purchase a copy then just CLICK HERE

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Here is some funny political satire with laughter guaranteed

01/19/2019 by Roy Sutton

In the times in which we now live, it seems that intelligent political debate is something from a bygone age.

Perhaps it never really existed at all.

However the politically correct modern media has created a debate so lacking in intelligent and informed analysis that it has become completely pointless I think.

If you live in the United Kingdom dear reader, then an excellent example for me is the BBC’s Question Time. It may have a new host in Fiona Bruce but it’s still just a lot of hot air I think.

Essentially it’s just a carefully selected bunch of people with rigid views coupled with an inability to understand why others may think the way they do. And an unwillingness even to try.

I suppose that’s just the way it is nowadays.

Nevertheless it’s not a complete loss to us all because it does offer fertile ground for comedy and funny political satire.

So if like me you think that the BBC’s Question Time has become a mess of evidence-free assertions, class warfare, soundbites and smugness then you might just enjoy this comedy sketch from Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse.

It’s very funny and for me they have truly nailed the nature of what passes for modern political debate.

It made me laugh and I hope it makes you smile too.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3tUqRBiMVo[/youtube]

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5 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today or any day

01/17/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. Fred and Ginger dining out:

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining out in a very swanky, five star New York City hotel and they’d both made a point of dressing for the occasion.

Ginger looked absolutely stunning is her ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred arrived in his trademark top hat, white tie and tails. They both looked like the million dollar movie stars they were.

All was going well with dinner until they got to dessert. While serving dessert the clumsy waiter managed to trip and Fred was showered from head to toe in treacle pudding.

“Oh, I’m most terribly sorry, Mr Astaire,” said the waiter.

Fred was not amused. “So you ought to be,” he said angrily.

Fred sat there fuming as the waiter tried his best to assist.

“Look at the state of me now,” said Fred. “I’ve pudding on my top hat; pudding on my white tie; and pudding on my tails.”

2. Church on Sunday:

Leaving church one Sunday Bernadette said to her husband Frank, “Do you think Mrs O’Shaughnessy is dying her hair?”

“To be honest Bernadette, I didn’t even notice Mrs O’Shaughnessy,” Frank responded.

They walked together quietly for a few moments and then Bernadette remarked, “Did you see that skirt Mrs Kilkenny was wearing? Now don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate for a 40 year old mother of six.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t really notice Mrs Kilkenny either,” said Frank.

“Huh!” Bernadette responded dismissively. “A lot of good it does you going to church on Sundays.”

3. The will reading:

A lawyer was reading out the will of a wealthy man to his family and everyone mentioned in the document.

“To my loving wife Mary, my rock and without whom my life would have been very different, I leave the mansion in Bel-Air and $20 million,” the lawyer read out loud.

He paused momentarily for his audience to digest this information and then he continued reading.

“To my darling daughter Louisa who supported me so much when my health began to fail and never once complained, I leave my business, my yacht and $1 million,” said the lawyer.

Again he paused momentarily to allow this information to sink in.

The lawyer then continued reading the final section of the will, “And to my brother Neville who argued with me constantly, hated my guts and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Neville!”

4. Engine trouble:

While cruising at 35,000 feet, the aircraft suddenly shuddered violently.

One passenger looked out of the window and then shouted, “Oh my God! One of the engines has just blown up.”

The passengers were white with fear when moments later the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as an engine on the opposite side exploded.

Passengers started to panic and the cabin crew struggled to keep order.

However just then the Captain strode confidently from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing about which they should be alarmed.

Reassured by the Captain’s calm manner, passengers returned to their seats and he coolly walked over to the aircraft’s door.

He then grabbed several packages from under the seats near the door and started handing them to the rest of the crew.

Crew members immediately fastened these packages to their backs.

One observant passengers said, “Hey, aren’t they parachutes?”

“Yes,” said the Captain.

“But you said there was no need to be alarmed,” the passenger responded.

“There isn’t,” replied the Captain as a third engine suddenly exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

5. Cashflow problem at the zoo:

A zoo was experiencing serious cashflow problems due to visitor numbers falling.

The zoo’s management got together to discuss how they could reverse the trend by introducing a major attraction.

Following the meeting the manager persuaded a visitor, who was a very big, stocky man, to take a job dressing up in a gorilla costume and masquerading as a great ape.

This deception worked well as the man really threw himself into the role with enthusiasm; devouring buckets of bananas, swinging from branches, pacing his cage menacingly, beating his chest and roaring loudly.

However one day he went a bit too far and he accidently fell into the lion’s enclosure next door.

Panicking, the bogus gorilla started shouting, “Help! Help!”

The lion let out a tremendous roar, then rushed at him. He put his paw on the bogus gorilla’s chest and growled, “Shut up buddy, or we’ll both lose our jobs!”

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5 short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

01/13/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. The Dead Duck

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.

A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.

“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.

“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“

“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”

The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.

A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“

The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.

“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“

2. Never underestimate an old man

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while.

Before setting off, he grabs a five-gallon bucket as he decides he’ll bring back some fruit.

As he nears the pond, he can hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly someone is having a good time.

As the farmer gets closer, he can see a bunch of young women who are clearly skinny-dipping in his pond.

He makes the women aware of his presence and immediately they all swim over to the far end.

One of the women then shouts, “We’re not coming out until you leave mister!“

The farmer replies, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.“

The wily old timer then holds up his bucket and says, “I just came down here to feed the alligators!“

Moral of the story: Never underestimate an old man.

3. The Hitman

Bill is at the funeral of an old High School friend in Manhattan.

They’re all standing in the graveyard gathering their thoughts after the coffin has been lowered, when Bill notices Jim, another old friend from his High School days.

“Hello Jim” says Bill.

“Hello buddy, it’s been a long time. How are you?” asks Jim.

Bill responds positively but he’s puzzled as to why Jim is carrying an attaché case at a funeral.

“What’s in the case?” asks Bill.

“Oh, this is a tool of my trade.” says Jim.

“What do you mean? What sort of tool is it?” asks Bill.

“It’s a high velocity rifle.” says Jim.

“Now why would you need a high velocity rifle?” asks Bill.

“Because I’m a hitman.” says Jim.

“Jog on! You’re yanking my chain, surely?” says Bill.

“I’m serious” says Jim, “I make my living as a hitman. Take a look.”

With that Jim opens the attaché case to show he does indeed have a high velocity rifle complete with telescopic sight and silencer.

“Wow” says Bill, “Can I take a closer look at that?”

“Sure!” says Jim. With that he assembles the rifle, fits the telescopic sight and then passes it across to Bill.

Bill lifts the rifle to his shoulder and peers through the telescopic sight. “Wow! This is amazing. I can see everything so clearly.”

“Impressive, eh?” says Jim.

“Yes sir. I can see right across Central Park. I can even see my own apartment on the Upper West Side” says Bill. “Wait a minute I can see right through my bedroom window and I can see my wife’s having sex with my neighbour.”

“Really?” says Jim.

“Yeah, really!” says Bill. “How much do you charge for a hit?”

“Well I charge $10,000 dollars per shot but with this telescopic sight I only ever need one shot to hit the target.” says Jim.

“Right!” says Bill. “I’ll have two. I want you to shoot her right through the head and I want you to shoot him in the genitals.”

So Jim takes the rifle, puts it so his shoulder, peers down the lens of the telescopic sight and carefully starts taking aim. However he then seems to take an age, as he starts waving the rifle barrel around and keeps adjusting the line of sight.

As he waits, Bill starts getting increasingly agitated as he thinks about what’s going on in his apartment.

“What’s going on now?” he asks, clearly freaking out. “What are they doing? Why are you taking so long? Why are you hesitating?”

“Have patience my friend”, says Jim. “I’m trying to save you ten grand.”

4. Jack the cowboy

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and says to the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?“

Jack looks at the man, who’s obviously a yuppie, he then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and responds calmly, “Sure, why not?“

The yuppie then whips out a very impressive iPhone X smartphone from his jacket pocket and begins to surf the NASA website. Simultaneously he uses the GPS satellite to get the exact coordinates of his location. He then feeds that back to Google Earth to capture a high-resolution image of this location.

The young man then opens the digital image in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia.

Within seconds, he receives an email to his iPhone X to confirm that the image has been processed and the data captured and stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally he uses an AirPrint printer located in his car to print out a full-color, 150-page report. He then turns to Jack, hands him the report and says, “Sir, you’ll see from the Executive Summary that you have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.“

“That’s right,” says Jack. “I guess you can take one of my calves.“

Jack then watches with amusement as the young man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his car.

After a minute or two, Jack says to the guy, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my calf back?“

The young man thinks for a second and then he says, “Sure, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the US Government“, says Jack.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?“

“No guessing required son,” Jack responded. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want paying for an answer I already know; to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars-worth of equipment trying to show me how smart you are; and you don’t know a thing about how ordinary, working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. If you did you’d know that this herd is actually a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

5. The old Native American and a $500 loan

An old Native American man has a need to borrow $500, so he goes to his local bank and asks to speak with the Loans officer.

The banker welcomes him and then says a loan application form must be completed. So he takes a loan application form from his desk drawer and begins to question the old man.

“So, what are you going to do with the money?” he asks the man.

“Buy silver, make jewelry, then sell it,” the man responded.

“And what have you got for collateral?” asked the banker.

“Don’t know collateral,” replied the old man

“Well that’s something of value that you provide us with to cover the cost of the loan if you fail to repay,” said the banker. “For instance, have you got any vehicles?“

“Yes. 1979 Chevy pickup,” replied the old man

The banker shook his head, “No that won’t do, I’m afraid. How about livestock?“

“Yes, I have a horse,” replied the old man.

“How old is it?” the banker enquired.

“Don’t know, has no teeth,” replies the old man.

The conversation went on like this for a while but eventually the banker decides to grant the $500 loan to the old man.

Several weeks later the old man returns to the bank.

He pulls out a large roll of $100 bills from his pocket, “Here to pay,” he says.

He then hands the banker $500 in $100 bills to repay his loan.

“Business has been good I can see,” says the banker. “What are you going to do with the rest of that money?“

“Keep it close to me,” the old man responded.

“Why don’t you just deposit it in my bank,” the banker enquired.

“Don’t know deposit,” replied the old man

“Well, you just put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it,” the banker responded.

The old Native American man leans across the desk and looks the banker in the eye and asks, “What you got for collateral?“

8 hilariously funny jokes that’ll make you scream laughing

12/22/2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. National identity:

A Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a foreign war.

Their situation is quite desperate when the leader of their captors suddenly announces, “As enemies of our people, you will all be shot by firing squad. You’ll each be shot in turn. However we’re civilised people, so first you’ll each be allowed a final request.”

The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to hear ‘Flower of Scotland’ played by the Band of the Scots Guards, to remind me of happy days in bonny Scotland.” He then shouts, “Scotland forever!”

The Welshman says, “Well I’d like to hear ‘Men of Harlech’ sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir to remind me of the green, green grass of home and those happy times when I lived in the Valleys.” He then shouts, “God bless the Land of my Fathers!”

The Irishman, not to be outdone, says, “For me I want to hear ‘Danny Boy’ just one more time to remind me of the auld country. I want it sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell.” Then, taking his lead from his Celtic cousins he shouts, “Éirinn go Brách.”

The leader of their captors then looks at the Englishman who’s remained very quiet up to this point. “So Englishman, what’s your request?” he says.

The Englishman responds, “I’d like to be shot first.”

2. Nun outside a Dublin bar:

A guy is walking into a Dublin bar and standing right outside the door is a nun.

“Top of the morning to you sister!” says the guy with a smile.

The nun looks at him sternly and says, “Before you enter this den of iniquity please think about your mother and your father.”

“But sister, my poor mother and father have long since passed away sadly. They’re with the angels now” the guy responds.

“Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain” says the nun.

“Sister, what are you talking about? Have you ever had a drink?” asks the guy.

“No! Certainly not!” says the nun.

“Then in the name of God sister, how can you say it damages the brain if you’ve never actually had a drink?” asks the guy.

The guy thinks for a minute and then he says, “Listen sister, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go in and get you a drink, you can try it and if you don’t like it then you can talk about it. But you can’t talk about something you’ve never even experienced.”

The nun says, “Alright, I’ll try a drink.”

The guy then says, “So, what’ll you have then?”

“I don’t know”, says the nun “What do ladies generally drink?”

The guy says, “All the ones I know like a glass of gin.”

The nun smiles and says, “Alright, I’ll have a gin but get it in a cup so no one will notice.”

So the guy goes into the bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a pint of Guinness please bartender and a large gin. But can you put the gin in a cup.”

The barman smiles at him and says, “Jeez, is that feckin’ nun hanging around outside again.”

3. Life in Hell:

John did his best to lead a good and honest life but sadly, on his passing, he’s allocated a place in Hell.

John arrives at the gates of Hell, a little disappointed and he’s looking fairly despondent when another man walks up to him and says, “Hello I’m Jim, you’re looking a little glum.”

To which John replies, “Well, I thought I’d be enjoying a place in heaven right now but nothing ever works out like you think it will, does it?”

Seeing John’s not very happy, Jim tries to cheer him up. “Listen buddy, Hell isn’t so bad really.”

John says, “Really?”

“Yeah, really”, says Jim. “Hey, do like beer?”

“Yes I love beer”, John responds.

“Then you’ll love Fridays here in Hell. Every Friday is beer day. We drink gallons and gallons of beer all day long. There’s no limit, you can drink as much as you like”, says Jim.

“Doesn’t that make you sick and give you a terrible hangover?” asks John

“No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Hey, do you like drugs?”

“Well, I did smoke a little Mary Jane in my College days”, says John.

“Then you’ll love Saturdays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Saturday we smoke marijuana all day long. We smoke doobies as big as submarines. It’s fantastic.”

“Doesn’t that make you sick?” asks John

“No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Do you like food?”

“Sure, who doesn’t like food? I love food,” says John.

“Then you’re going to love Sundays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Sunday they roast Ox; a whole one for each of us. We stuff ourselves with roast Ox and all the trimmings all day long. In Hell we do everything to excess and doing everything to excess is mandatory here. We’re dead, so no worries.”

“Wow!” says John. “Hell actually sounds like a really fun place.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” Jim responds.

“Hey, are you Gay?” Jim then asks.

“No”, says John “I love sex with women.”

Jim frowns and says, “Hmm, in that case you’ll hate Mondays.”

4. Unrealistic expectations:

A recent engineering graduate is having an interview for his first job with a big technology company.

The young graduate is fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and he’s clearly very impressed with himself.

As the interview is nearing an end the Human Resources officer asks him, “So John, what are your expectations in terms of a starting salary?“

The young graduate replies, “Well I’d be looking for something in the region of $125,000 a year. However the exact figure I’d accept would depend on the benefits package.“

His interviewer smiles and says, “Well John, what would you say to 5 weeks annual vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental cover, the company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, plus a company car, say a Ford Mustang GT?“

The young graduate engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding? “

The HR officer replies, “Yes of course I am John, but you started it.“

5. Bus full of ugly people:

A bus full of ugly people is involved in a head on collision with a truck and all the passengers are killed.

They all arrive in heaven and, feeling sorry for them, God decides they can each have one wish.

A woman is the first person and she says, “I want to be gorgeous.“

So God snaps his fingers and suddenly she is stunningly attractive.

A man is next and he makes a similar request. “I want to be handsome” he says.

This goes on with each passenger in turn essentially making the same request. They all want to be irresistibly good looking.

With a number of passengers yet to express their wish, God notices that the last man in the line who has also yet to make a request is laughing hysterically.

By the time God gets to the last few people, the last man in the line is laughing uncontrollably and he’s rolling around on the ground.

When it comes to his turn the man laughs some more and then says, “I wish they’re all ugly again.“

Moral of the story: In any group there’s always one person hell bent on making life difficult for everyone else.

6. The warrior and the old man:

A fleeing warrior is lost in the desert and he’s in desperate need of water.

Suddenly he sees what he thinks is a stall far off in the distance.

Hoping he might find water there, he hurries towards the stall only to find a little old man selling ties.

The warrior asks, “Do you have any water?“

The old replies, “No I don’t have any water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.“

The warrior is irritated by his response and says, “No! I don’t need an over-priced tie right now. I need water! You realize I’m armed? I could kill you. However I must find water first.“

“Alright” says the old man, “It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you don’t like me. I will show you that I’m the bigger person. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant, owned by my brother. It will have all the ice cold water you need. God be with you“.

Muttering, the warrior staggers off over the hill.

Several hours later he staggers back, almost dead.

“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.“

7. The magic trick:

Two broke and hungry friends, Bill and George walk into a pastry shop in Manhattan.

As the baker’s back is turned, Bill grabs three cookies quickly and stuffs them in his trouser pocket with lightning speed.

The baker’s back is still turned, so he doesn’t notice.

Bill smiles at George, winks his eye and says, “Did you see that? Did you see how clever I was there? You’ll never beat that will you?“

“Really? You think so? Watch this.” George replies.

He then says to the baker, “If you’ll give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick. And I promise you, you’ll be impressed.“

So the baker hands him a cookie which George then eats.

Then George says to the baker: “I’ll need another cookie from you for my magic trick to work.“

The baker is a bit suspicious but he gives George another cookie. Once again he eats the cookie.

Then George says, “I’m really sorry but I’ll need one more cookie if this trick is to work.“

The baker is really not amused by now and he says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

George assures him the trick is genuine and all will be revealed after the next Cookie. So the baker gives him another cookie which George promptly eats, once again.

The baker is starting to get mad and he yells, “So where’s the magic?“

George points at Bill and then says: “You’ll find three cookies in this guy’s pocket. That’s magic!“

8. A woman golfing:

A woman is out golfing. Playing off the first tee, she’s not quite got her swing right and she slices the ball on her first attempt and watches it disappear deep into the woods.

Not a great start she thinks. So she trudges off looking for her ball.

As she’s scratching around in the woods she can’t find her ball but she does find a frog stuck in a trap.

The frog is relieved to have finally been discovered, having been stuck there for quite some time. So the frog says to the woman, “Lady, if you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.“

Now who wouldn’t want three wishes? So the woman immediately frees the frog.

The frog is grateful but then says, “Lady, thank you. I appreciate your help. However I failed to mention that there will be a condition to your wishes.”

A little puzzled, the woman asks, “And what’s that?”

“Well” says the frog, “Whatever you wish for, your husband will also receive but multiplied by a factor of ten!“

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s fine.“

Then for her first wish she says, “I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.”

The frog smiles but warns her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world? He will be an Adonis and no woman will be able to resist his charms.“

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s alright, because I will be the most beautiful woman in the world, so he will only have eyes for me.“

With that there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is immediately transformed into the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog then says, “And for your second wish? What would you like?”

For her second wish the woman says, “I want to be the richest woman in the world.”

Once again the frog feels compelled to issue a warning. “Lady, this will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.“

The woman says, “That’s fine. We’re married, so what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.“

Once again there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is suddenly the richest woman in the world.

The frog then says, “Right, it’s now time for your final wish. What will it be?”

The woman replies, “I’d like a mild heart attack.“

Moral of the story: Women are clever. So don’t mess with them.

Attention Female Readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.

Male Readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: And ladies if you’re still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen to men.

Please share the fun:

I hope you found these hilariously funny jokes amusing dear reader.

However perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

3 Side-splitting Jokes about Heaven and Hell

12/15/2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. The transport you get in Heaven:

New Yorkers Frank, George and Vinny are killed in a tragic car crash in Manhattan.

The three friends arrive at the entrance to the Pearly Gates and there is St Peter waiting for them.

After the initial pleasantries, St Peter says to them, “Gentlemen, Heaven is an enormous place, so you will need transport to get around. And I have to tell you now that the type of transport you will be allocated will depend on how faithful you were to your wives.”

He then turns to Frank and says, “Francis, how faithful were you to your wife?”

“I never strayed once”, says Frank. “From the day we met until my dying day, she was the only woman with whom I slept and I loved her very much.”

“Most impressive Francis”, says St Peter. “Such fidelity is worthy of a new $13 million Rolls-Royce Sweptail and here are the keys. You’ll find your car in the parking lot just inside the Pearly Gates.”

Turning to George, St Peter said, “And how faithful have you been George?”

George hesitated momentarily and then said, “I must be honest and tell you that I did have a brief affair with my secretary about 20 years ago. It was the only time I cheated and I did regret it. I love my wife and after that brief lapse I was faithful to her until my dying day.”

“Very well”, said St Peter. “You made one mistake but otherwise you were of good character. Your reward now is a Chevrolet Bolt. Here are your keys and you’ll find the car in the parking lot inside the Gates.”

St Peter then turned to Vinny and said, “So Vincent, were you as well behaved as your friends?”

Vinny looked a little embarrassed as he responded. “St Peter, if I’m honest I was an inveterate womanizer and I’ve had more sexual encounters than I can remember. However I did love my wife and I would never have left her.”

St Peter frowned as he spoke in response, “Vincent your behaviour was less than exemplary but you did at least say you loved your wife and you never left her, so that counts for something. Therefore I will give you a top-of-the-range mountain bike to enable you to get around. You’ll find it in the cycle rack inside the Gates.”

The three friends then spent the next few weeks travelling around in Heaven getting to know the place.

One day as Vinny was cycling along Heaven’s highway he saw a Rolls Royce Sweptail parked by the side of the road. As he got close, he could see Frank sitting in the driver’s seat sobbing.

“Hey buddy, what’s the matter?” said Vinny. “You’ve driving a beautiful Rolls Royce, what could possibly be wrong?”

“I know”, said Frank, “but I’ve just seen my wife go past on a skateboard.”

2. The reward for a life of sin:

Three drinking buddies, Bill, Jim and Cyril died in a plane crash on the way to Las Vegas and they all found themselves in Hell.

No sooner had they walked through the Gates of Hell than they found themselves staring at a series of doors.

Bill opened the first door and out stepped a really ugly woman, her face covered in hideous warts.

The voice of the Devil then boomed out, “William, you have been a sinner and so you are condemned to spend eternity in bed with this poor woman.”

The woman then took Bill by the hand and led him through the door he’d opened to suffer his punishment.

Jim and Cyril naturally were feeling very apprehensive at this point.

However Jim plucked up the courage to open the second door which revealed a woman who was even uglier than the first one. She was a grinning, toothless hag with a hunched back and a bad case of body odour.

Again the voice of the Devil then boomed out, “James, you too have sinned and so you are condemned to spend eternity in bed with this wretched woman.”

The woman then took Jim by the hand and led him through the door to suffer his punishment.

Naturally, at this point Cyril was a nervous wreck as he was about to open the third door.

He feared the worst, although he knew he hadn’t been much of a sinner so he hoped it wouldn’t be another hag.

Cyril was pleasantly surprised when out stepped a beautiful blond in a very brief bikini.

“Wow!” thought Cyril.

Then the Devil’s voice boomed out, “Maria, you have been a sinner so you are condemned to spend eternity with this hideous wretch.”

3. Hoping for a miracle:

Bernard was a deeply religious man and one day he found himself trapped on the roof of his house following a terrible flood after the worst storms in living memory.

After an hour or so a man came by in a boat and shouted to Bernard, “Get in!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Soon the water had completely submerged Bernard’s house and it was lapping around his waist.

Suddenly another man came by in a boat and shouted, “Get in!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Another hour went by and the water was now lapping around Bernard’s chest.

Yet another boat came along and a man shouted to Bernard, “Get in!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Well, the water kept on rising and it was now up around his neck when a helicopter appeared and down came a ladder. The crewman on the ladder shouted to Bernard, “Hey buddy, climb up!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Another hour went by and the next thing Bernard knew he was standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

At this point Bernard felt very disheartened as he said to St Peter, “I feel completely let down. I truly believed God would save me.”

“Be fair”, said St Peter, “We did send you three boats and a helicopter.”

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I hope you found these jokes truly side-splitting dear reader.

However perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

10 hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh out loud

12/07/2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

If you’re in need of a good laugh and let’s face it, we all need a good laugh, then once again and I’ve been collecting jokes just for you dear reader.

I’ve done the hard work so you don’t have to and I’m confident that you will find today’s joke collection very funny.

So here is another batch of hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh.

And remember; if they have you falling over laughing your socks off then please, please share them with your friends on social media but not before you’ve actually enjoyed today’s jokes.

1. One man and his talking dog:

Jim walks into a New York bar with his dog Fido.

Jim walks right up to the bar, turns to face the seated customers and says, “This is my dog Fido and believe it or not, he’s a talking dog. If I can demonstrate to you that Fido can answer any of my questions who will buy me a drink?“

“Listen buddy, if you can demonstrate that Fido can talk, you can have a drink on the house,” says the bartender.

So Jim turns to Fido and asks, “What goes on the top of a house?“

“Roof!” Fido responds.

“What does tree bark feel like?” asks Jim.

“Rough!” says Fido.

“Who was the greatest baseball player ever?” asks Jim.

“Ruth!” says Fido.

The bartender is really unimpressed with what he’s hearing and he snaps at Jim. “You’re a phoney buddy. We’re not fooled by any of that. You and your dog can get out of here right now. Go on, on your way!“

As Jim and his dog are thrown out on to the street, Fido looks sadly at Jim and says. “What did I do wrong? Should I have said Joe DiMaggio or Mickey Mantle?“

2. The thief and the Parrot:

A thief breaks into a house when he thinks no one will be at home.

He’s creeping carefully through the property and as he steps into the lounge he’s stopped dead in his tracks when he suddenly hears someone say very clearly, “Jesus is watching you!”

He stands very still for a moment until everything in the house falls silent again. At this point he moves forward very slowly.

Once again he hears that voice, “Jesus is watching you!”

The thief is now frightened out of his wits and he stops once again to focus on locating the voice.

He’s looking around peering into the darkness when he spots a birdcage and in the birdcage is a parrot.

The thief looks the parrot in the eyes and asks, “Was that you who said, ‘Jesus is watching me’?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The thief relaxes and breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness for that”, he says to the parrot. “What’s your name?”

“The family here call me Ronald”, said the parrot.

“Ronald? You cannot be serious!” laughs the thief. “What sort of family calls their pet parrot Ronald?”

“The sort of family who call their ferocious, Rottweiler guard dog Jesus” the parrot responds.

3. Hospital banter:

Five surgeons are taking their lunch break and enjoying a little banter to relax. The conversation moves on quickly to the people they regard as the best patients.

The first surgeon says, “For me, it’s got to be accountants. They are the best people to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered.“

The second surgeon responds, “No, I don’t agree. Librarians have to be the best people on which to operate because everything inside them is in alphabetical order.“

The third surgeon thinks for a minute, smiles and then he says, “Sounds like you’ve never operated on an electrician. When you open them up you’ll find everything inside them is color coded!“

The fourth surgeon laughs and says,” Well personally I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gut-less and their heads and butts are interchangeable.“

The fifth surgeon has been quietly listening to the conversation so far when he’s asked by the others what he thinks.

“Well I like to operate on engineers because they’re always very understanding if I find myself with a few parts left over when the job’s done” he says.

4. Talking dog for sale:

A couple are out for a walk when they notice a large sign outside a house which reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.”

They are both intrigued by the idea of a talking dog, so they knock on the door and ask if they can take a look at this dog

“Sure!” says the owner, “Come on in.”

The owner escorts them into the lounge where the dog is lying on the sofa watching television.

“Hello,” they say to the dog.

“Hello,” the dog responds.

“What have you done with your life so far then?” the couple ask the dog.

“Well actually I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog.

“Really?” says the couple.

“Yes really,” says the dog. “I’ve lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I work part-time reading to the residents in a retirement home.”

The couple are amazed by this. They can’t believe any dog could have done quite so much.

One of them then asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of this amazing dog?”

“Oh, we’re getting rid of him because he’s a liar. He’s not done any of those things” says the owner.

5. Miscommunication:

Jed goes into a public restroom and he’s barely sat down in the cubicle when he hears a voice say, “Hi, how are you?“

Feeling a little embarrassed Jed says politely, “Well I guess I’m doing fine thank you!“

The voice then responds, “So what are you up to?“

Jed is even more embarrassed but once again he responds politely, “Well just like you, I’m sitting here trying to get a load off my mind.“

He then hears the voice say, “Hey, can I come over?“

Jed is now extremely embarrassed and starting to get slightly irritated too, so he snaps back, “Look, surely you understand I’m a bit busy right now!“

At this point he hears the voice say, “Jane listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the next cubicle who keeps responding to all my questions!”

6. Two hunters:

Two hunters are out in the woods hunting bears when one of them suddenly collapses.

The other guy checks him over and realises that he’s not breathing and his eyes are a bit glazed. So he grabs his cell phone and immediately calls 911.

“I think my friend’s dead!” he yells down the phone with panic in his voice. “What should I do?”

“Sir, if you can just calm down I’ll help you” says the operator calmly. “Let’s just make sure he’s dead first.”

There’s then a moment of silence, followed by what is clearly a gunshot.

Back on the phone, the guy then says to the operator, “Right, now what?”

7. Cosmetic surgery:

Jill, a middle-aged woman, is having surgery in hospital following a severe heart attack when she has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die God?” she asks.

To which God responds, “No my dear, you still have 30 more years to live yet.”

Well if she’s got 30 more years to look forward to and since she’s in hospital anyway, Jill decides she might as well make the most of her operation.

So she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, a hair transplant, and collagen injections in her lips. When it’s all finished and the bruises have healed she looks absolutely stunning and 10 years younger.

The day she’s discharged from the hospital, she leaves the hospital with a real spring in her step. Feeling very good about her makeover, Jill steps into the street and is immediately knocked down by an ambulance and killed.

As she steps through the Pearly Gates, Jill sees God and decides to complain. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she says to God.

“Well that’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” Jill asks.

To which God shrugs and says, “I’m sorry but I didn’t recognize you.”

8. Kids are smarter than you think:

A young boy walks into a barber’s shop and the barber whispers to the customer to whom he’s currently attending, “This kid has got to be the dumbest kid in the world. Watch and I’ll prove it to you.”

The barber then puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then he says to the boy, ‘Hey kid, which do you want the dollar bill or the quarters?’

The boy decides to take the quarters and then he leaves the shop.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That dumb kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer is leaving the barber’s shop he sees the same kid coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, kid! May I ask you a question?” asks the customer. “Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’

The boy licks his ice cream for a moment before saying, “Because the day I take the dollar bill the game is over!”

9. Classmates:

While waiting for her first appointment with her new dentist, Jane notices his degree certificate on the wall, which includes his full name.

Suddenly, Jane remembers a tall, handsome boy from her High School class some 45 years ago who had exactly the same name. Naturally she wonders whether this can be the same guy.

However upon seeing him, she quickly dismisses any such thought. Surely this ageing, balding, grey-haired old man with a deeply lined face could not possibly be one of her old High School classmates?

After he had finished examining her teeth, Jane decides to ask him whether they he attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“That’s amazing. What year did you graduate then?” Jane asks.

“In 1973” he responds.

“Amazing, you were in my class!” Jane exclaims.

He looks at her closely and then asks, “What subject did you teach?“

10. The Monastery:

Every ten years in the Monastery, the monks were allowed to break their vow of silence to speak just two words.

With ten years gone by, Brother Michael gets his first chance to speak.

He thinks for a second and then says, “Food bad.”

Another ten years go by and again Brother Michael has an opportunity to speak briefly and on this occasion he says, “Bed hard.”

A further decade later, it’s the big day once more. However this time Brother Michael gives the head monk a long stare before saying, “I quit.”

To which the head monk responds, “I’m not surprised. You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

Please share with your friends on social media:

So did these hilarious jokes make you laugh out loud? Were they all you hoped they’d be dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

5 priceless jokes that will have you roaring with laughter

12/01/2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. Populating the Earth:

One day God said to Adam, “It’s nearly time for you and Eve to begin populating Earth. So I want you to kiss her.”

“I don’t understand”, said Adam. “What does kiss mean?”

God understood that it was all new to Adam so patiently he explained to Adam what was required of him.

Adam took Eve by the hand and they disappeared into the woods. A little while later they emerged and Adam said, “That was most enjoyable.”

“I thought you might say that,” said God, “so now I want you to caress her.”

“But what does caress mean?” Adam asked.

So God provided Adam with a brief explanation again.

Again Adam took Eve by the hand and they disappeared into the woods once more.

Soon they returned and Adam smiled and said, “That was even better.”

“Good”, said God. “You’ve done well. So now I want you to make love to Eve.”

Again Adam was a little perplexed. “What does make love mean?” said Adam.

So God gave Adam another explanation and Adam then took Eve by the hand back into the woods.

This time Adam emerged from the woods alone within seconds looking puzzled.

He looked at God and said, “Lord, what’s a headache?”

2. The customer’s compulsion:

A man walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a glass of white wine.

He took a sip of the wine and then he hurled the rest of the glass into the bartender’s face.

“Oh, I’m really sorry”, he said. “I keep doing that to bartenders. It’s a compulsion and I find it extremely embarrassing.”

The bartender was an amiable fellow and he was sympathetic to the man’s problem, despite the provocation.

As he wiped his face, he suggested the man see an analyst about his problem.

“Hey, another customer of mine is a psychiatrist with an excellent reputation. My brother and my wife both use him and they say he’s the best there is,” said the bartender.

About three months later the man returned to the bar again.

The bartender remembered him immediately. As he poured the man a glass of white wine he said, “Good to see you buddy. Did you do what I suggested?”

“Yes I certainly did”, said the man. “I’ve been seeing the psychiatrist you recommended for two sessions every week.”

He then took a sip of his wine and again threw the rest of the glass into the bartender’s face.

As he wiped his face with a towel the flustered bartender spluttered, “That doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.”

“On the contrary,” said the man. “He’s done me the world of good.”

“But you’ve just thrown wine in my face again,” responded the bartender.

“Yes, but I’m not embarrassed by it anymore,” said the man.

3. The sooty tern:

One day a young sooty tern was flying over the sea with its parents when the mummy bird ran into a cliff and dropped to the ground.

Oblivious to his mate’s fate, the daddy tern flew on, but the young bird swooped to the foot of the cliff in a bid to save her.

Alas the mummy tern was already dead and the tearful young bird was taken under the wing of a family of seagulls.

A week later, the head of the seagull family announced, “You’re a well behaved bird but I’m afraid we can’t keep you. However we’re going to find a tern that can adopt you and act as a replacement mother.”

So the seagull put an ad in the local paper which read, “One good tern deserves a mother.”

4. Difficult customer:

A man walked into a smart Downtown bar and sat on a stool at the counter.

“What can I get you to drink sir?” said the bartender. “A beer maybe? We’ve got an excellent special brew on offer this evening.”

“I’m sorry,” replied the man haughtily. “I don’t drink alcohol. I tried it once but I didn’t like it and I haven’t touched a drop since.”

The bartender tried to engage the man in friendly conversation by offering him a cigar.

“You can’t smoke it in here,” said the bartender, “but perhaps you can enjoy it later.”

“No thank you,” said the man with a sneer. “I don’t smoke. I tried it once but I didn’t like it and I haven’t smoked since.”

Again the bartender attempted a little banter but the man was having none of it.

“Listen,” he said. “I appreciate you’re merely trying to be sociable but the fact is I wouldn’t even be in this place at all but for the fact that I’m meeting my son here.”

“That would be your only child, I presume?” the bartender remarked philosophically.

5. Lady in the Casino:

The Las Vegas casino was virtually deserted and two male dealers at the craps table were idling away their time in the hope that business might soon improve.

Suddenly a stunningly attractive, buxom woman appeared and said she wanted to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

“Certainly mam,” said one of the dealers, happy to relieve the boredom.

“There’s just one thing though,” said the woman.

“What’s that?” said the dealer.

“Well I hope you don’t mind,” said the woman, “but playing topless always brings me luck. There’s hardly anyone about, so I’ll take off my blouse and bra before I roll the dice.”

She then quickly removed those garments exposing her ample assets and threw the dice, before yelling “I’ve won! I can’t believe it! I’ve won!”

She then scooped up all the money, picked up her clothes and disappeared in an instant.

The two dealers were stunned. “What did she roll?” asked one.

“I don’t know” said the other. “I thought you’d be watching the dice!”

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