50 candidates for short joke of the day to raise a smile

11/04/2025 by

If you’re looking for candidates for the short joke of the day, then there are some great jokes on offer here today, dear reader.

Perhaps you’re just looking for something to make you laugh.

Then I’m sure at least one or two of these will tickle your funny bone.

Enjoy them all.

And then please pass them on.

Short Joke of the Day (1-20):

  1. I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
  2. Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
  3. Avoid dangerous cults. Practise safe sects.
  4. Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
  5. Remember, there’s no lifeguard in the gene pool.
  6. Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha?
  7. Never fight with a dinosaur. You’ll just get jurasskicked.
  8. I’ve just sold a homing pigeon on eBay for the 15th time.
  9. What did the daughter corn ask the mother corn? Where’s popcorn?
  10. Humpy Dumpty had a terrible summer. However, he’s had a great fall.
  11. Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
  12. A man was attacked by string instruments. It was a brutal act of violins.
  13. Q: Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? A: Because it lifts their spirits.
  14. I wouldn’t say Poop jokes are the best jokes but they’re a solid Number 2.
  15. Could there be a worse time to have a heart attack than during a game of Charades?
  16. Could there be a more aptly named firm of divorce lawyers than Ditcher, Quick and Hyde?
  17. If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt and preservatives, don’t open it. It’s SPAM.
  18. WIFE: I have blisters on my hands from the broom. HUSBAND: Why didn’t you use the car?
  19. I saw two guys wearing identical outfits and I just asked them if they were gay. They arrested me.
  20. Julie Andrews famously portrayed Mary Poppins in the film. Now I hear she will no longer be endorsing cheap lipstick. Apparently, it crumbles easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she explained, “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”

Short Joke of the Day (21-30):

  1. If I don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
  2. A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert.
  3. When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, does she become a Def Leopard?
  4. I didn’t think that wearing orthopaedic shoes would make a difference but I stand corrected.
  5. My wife told me I have two faults. She said I don’t listen and some other crap she was banging on about.
  6. If I get a headache, I take two Aspirin and keep away from children, just as it recommends on the bottle.
  7. We keep having meetings at work because our boss is keen to work out why nothing productive is being done.
  8. Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi
  9. I was struck on the head by a large bottle of Omega 3 capsules. Luckily the marks on me were only Super Fish Oil.
  10. A naked woman robbed the bank today. Despite the bank being full of businessmen, no one could remember her face.

Short Joke of the Day (31-40):

  1. At the bus stop, I asked the bus driver how long the next bus would be. The same length as this one, he said.
  2. Take me back to those wild pre-COVID days when we’d party hard and eat cake after someone had blown on it.
  3. I yelled “COW!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger. Then she crashed her bike straight into a cow on the crossing. What can I say? I tried.
  4. I got up this morning and ran around the block five times. By then I was tired, so I picked the block up and put it back in the toy box.
  5. I’m worried my wife might be showing the first signs of Alzheimer’s. She’s just told me she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.
  6. Why is it that brain cells, skin cells and hair cells all die constantly and yet, fat cells seem to have eternal life?
  7. I accidentally wore a red shirt to shop in Target today and, to cut a long story short, I’m covering for Michelle this weekend.
  8. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.
  9. I see people my age mountain climbing, whereas I get a sense of achievement just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
  10. I need to get in shape. If I were murdered on the street today, my chalk outline would be a circle.

Short Joke of the Day (41-50):

  1. I don’t think inside the box. I don’t think outside the box either. I don’t even know where I might find the box.
  2. I wasn’t planning on going for a run today. However, those cops suddenly came out of nowhere.
  3. 90 per cent of my Google search history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell correctly.
  4. I often wonder what happened to all those people who’ve asked me for directions over the years
  5. A dentist married a manicurist. It didn’t work out. They fought constantly, tooth and nail.
  6. My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my home, then I got a lift from the delivery guy.
  7. Have you ever woken up and kissed the person next to you, then felt truly grateful to be alive? I just did and apparently, I won’t be allowed to fly with this airline again.
  8. They say love is the best feeling in the world. I disagree. There’s no better feeling than finding a public toilet when you’re out and about and suddenly struck down with diarrhoea.
  9. In the furniture store, the sales guy told me the sofa would sit five people without any problems. Then it occurred to me, I don’t know five people without any problems.
  10. I’ve been in a lot of places but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve never been in Cognito either. I hear no one recognises you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips.

Please share this post:

So dear reader, were these candidates for the short joke of the day as amusing as you’d hoped? Was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these jokes made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you can put a smile on someone else’s face, you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, and please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then click on the links below.

Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

5 amusing short story jokes to make you laugh

10/30/2025 by

Dear reader, are you in need of a little comic relief? Here are 5 amusing short story jokes that will definitely make you laugh.

Take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

And then, please feel free to pass them on.

Make Money

Amusing short story jokes:

1. Escaping a ticket:

Jim was finally enjoying a bit of freedom in life, so he decided to buy himself a new Mercedes C-Class Cabriolet.

On the day he collected it from the dealership, he thought it would be a great idea to take his new toy out for a spin on the Interstate.

It was a pleasant evening, so with the top down and the wind in his hair, he decided to really put his foot down until the pedal hit the metal.

The acceleration was amazing, but as the car hit 90 mph, suddenly there was the sound of a siren, and through his rearview mirror, Jim could see blue lights flashing.

Undaunted by this turn of events, Jim just thought to himself, “There’s no way the cops will catch me in a Mercedes at full speed.”

And momentarily, he kept the car going flat out until his speed exceeded 110 mph.

However, his nerve went when he realised that, despite his speed, the cops were actually gaining on him.

So the reality of his situation hit him, and Jim thought, “What the hell am I doing?“

He slowed down and pulled over.

At the side of the road, the cop came up to him and said, “Sir, could I see your license, please?”

Jim handed over his license.

The cop studied it momentarily and then said to Jim, “Sir, it’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and to be honest, I really don’t feel like doing any more paperwork. So I’ll offer you a deal. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go without a ticket.“

Jim thought for a second and then said, “Officer, a month ago, my wife ran off with a cop. Life has been so good since then, but I was afraid you were chasing in an attempt to give her back to me.“

The cop smiled at Jim and said, “Have a nice weekend, sir.”

And with that, he left Jim to enjoy his new car.

2. The price for a little fun:

It was Friday evening; it had been payday, and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire week’s salary.

When he finally arrived home on Sunday evening, he was confronted by his angry wife, and, needless to say, she hurled abuse at him for nearly two hours in a tirade befitting his irresponsible actions.

Finally, as she stopped shouting at him, his wife said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me,” Bill responded unwisely.

Monday went by, and Bill didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

However, on Thursday, the swelling had gone down sufficiently for Bill to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

3. Dumb man joke:

Jim is taking a shower in the bathroom, and his wife shouts, “Did you find the shampoo, Jim?”

“Yes,” he responds, “but I’m not quite sure what to do, Irene.”

“Why’s that, Jim?” Irene asks.

“Well,” says Jim, “it says it’s for dry hair, but I’ve just wet mine.“

Saily eSIM

4. Out of the mouths of babes:

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 4-year-old daughter immediately took an interest in what was going on with the crew on the lot and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Now, the construction crew were decent and friendly guys, and very quickly they adopted the little girl as their project mascot.

They would chat with her, let her sit with them during coffee and lunch breaks, and give her little jobs here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

Well, the little girl felt important. She took her pay home to her mother, who encouraged her further and suggested they deposit her two dollars at the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her own money at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.“

“Well, that’s impressive,” said the teller. “Will you be working on the house again next week, too?“

The little girl smiled and then replied, “I will if those lazy b*stards at Home Depot ever deliver the f**king bricks.”

5. Unexpected benefit:

Mike and his wife, Liz, had the misfortune to be caught up in a terrible road traffic accident with multiple cars involved. Unfortunately, in the carnage that followed, Liz’s face was severely burned.

She was taken to the local hospital, where the doctor told Mike that she would need a skin graft on her face.

“The problem is,” said the doctor, “your wife is so thin we wouldn’t be able to use any skin from her body for the graft.”

“Could I donate skin from my body?” asked Mike.

“Yes, you can,” said the doctor. “However, the only suitable skin would be skin from your buttocks.”

Mike explained the situation to Liz and asked whether skin from his buttocks would be acceptable to her.

“Well, as long as no one else knows where the skin came from,” said Liz.

Jim assured her that it would be their secret, and the doctor also promised he would honour her request for secrecy.

So Liz had the surgery, and when all the scars had healed, everyone was amazed at how beautiful Liz now looked.

She’d always been attractive, but she was now even more beautiful than she’d been before. All her friends and relatives couldn’t help commenting on her youthful beauty.

One day, Liz was sitting alone with Mike, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

“Mike, I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. There’s no way I could ever repay you,” said Liz.

Mike smiled and kissed her. Then he said, “Darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Share this post and make others smile:

So were these amusing short story jokes as amusing as you’d hoped they would be, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, please share it all with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

More fun you might enjoy:

DISCLAIMER: Post contains affiliate links; no additional charge to you; commissions support cost of maintaining this website. Thank you for your support.

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

5 funny short story jokes guaranteed to raise a laugh

10/27/2025 by

Here are 5 funny short story jokes that I’m confident will make you laugh.

They all made me smile, so I hope you enjoy them too.

So take a few moments to relax and smile, and then feel free to pass them on.

FUNNY SHORT STORY JOKES
Make Money

Funny short story jokes:

1. Speed Cop:

Jim’s a police officer in Morristown, New Jersey.

One day he’s sitting in his squad car on Main Street when a car screams past him doing at least 100 miles an hour.

With blue lights flashing and sirens wailing, Jim chases after the car and pulls it over.

Jim approaches the car and says to the young driver, “Sir, please step out of the car for me.”

“But officer,” said the young man, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet!” snapped Jim. “Driving at dangerous speeds on Main Street is a felony. You’ll be cooling your heels in jail until the police chief gets back and decides what to do with you.”

“But officer,” the young man responded, “if you’d just let me explain.”

Once again, Jim snapped at him, “Be quiet! You’re going to jail.”

A few hours later, Jim is checking on his prisoner in the holding cell at the station, and the guy is looking a little glum, to say the least. At this point, Jim is feeling a bit sorry for him.

“Hey buddy,” says Jim, “don’t worry. Lucky for you, the police chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” said the young driver. “I’m the groom.”

2. Gambling Habit:

An anxious father met with his son’s school principal, as he was concerned about his son’s obsession with gambling.

“All he ever wants to do is bet,” the father exclaimed to the principal. “He’ll bet on anything. Can you help me?”

The principal considered his question for a moment, and then he said, “I’ll see what I can do.”

A week later, the father met with the principal again to discuss progress.

“I think I’ve cured him of his gambling habit,” the principal told the father.

Encouraged by this comment, the father asked, “How did you manage that?”

Well, the other day, I noticed him looking at my beard, and he said, “Sir, I’ll bet you $10 that’s a false beard.”

“And what happened then?” the father asked.

“Simple, I took the bet, allowed him to tug my beard to prove it was real, and then I made him pay me the $10.” The principal responded. “He won’t do that again. He’ll have learned his lesson.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” said the father. “The other day he bet me $50 that he’d tug at your beard with your permission before the end of the week.”

3. Sunday Service:

One Sunday morning, Pastor Michael told his congregation that the church needed money to repair the church roof and asked the people to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.

By way of encouragement, he said that whoever gave the most money would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed around, Pastor Michael glanced down, and he noticed that someone had placed a bundle of $100 bills in the offering, all bound with an elastic band.

Naturally, he was excited, and he shared his joy with his congregation.

“I’d like to thank whoever placed this bundle in the offering personally,” said Pastor Michael. “There must be $1,000 here. Please make yourself known.”

At this point, a small, elderly lady at the back of the church stood up and shyly raised her hand.

“Mam,” said Pastor Michael, “we’re all so grateful to you. Please come down to the front.”

The little old lady slowly made her way to the front of the congregation, and Pastor Michael took her by the hand.

Naturally, he told her how wonderful it was that she had given so much, and as a thank you, he said, “By way of a reward, you now get to choose three hymns.”

Her eyes began to sparkle as she reflected momentarily and gazed around the congregation.

After a few moments of contemplation, she looked at Pastor Michael and then pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, “Right, I’ll take him and him and him.”

4. Divine justice:

Father Jeremy was a parish priest who was obsessed with playing golf.

He would be at a country club playing golf at every opportunity he got. It was a passion for him.

One summer Sunday, the weather was absolutely glorious, and he realised it was such a perfect day to play golf. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and the temperature was really very pleasant.

“Days are rarely better than this for playing golf,” Father Jeremy thought to himself.

This left him with a dilemma. For him, Sunday was a working day, of course, but perhaps he could report in sick and then play golf at the country club in the next town?

Well, his passion for golf got the better of him, and he phoned the curate to tell him he was sick and would not be able to take mass that day.

He then packed his clubs into his car and drove two hours to a country club where he was confident he would not be recognized.

By mid-morning Father Jeremy was standing at the first tee ready to play 18 holes.

Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways, and the angels are his eyes and ears. And as Father Jeremy was ready to tee off, one angel was watching him with concern.

The angel then went to God and said, “Look at that parish priest. He should be preaching to his congregation today, not playing golf.”

God frowned at the angel and agreed that this was not what he’d expect from a parish priest on a Sunday.

“Leave it to me,” said God.

At this point, Father Jeremy teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it glided effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. It was a perfect hole-in-one.

Never before had Father Jeremy achieved such golfing perfection, so naturally, he was both amazed and very excited.

The angel looked on from above, and he was shocked. He turned to God and said, “Lord, I’m sorry, but I thought you said you were going to punish him.“

“I have,” said God.

“How?” the angel responded.

God smiled and said, “Think about it. Who can he possibly tell about this now?“

5. The helicopter ride:

Dan and his wife, Mary, went to the state fair every year.

And every year Dan would say to Mary, “You know, Mary, I would love to go for a ride in the helicopter.“

Mary’s response was always the same.

“I know that, Dan, but the helicopter ride costs $50, and let’s face it, $50 is $50.” Mary would say.

This went on for many years, and eventually, they were at the fair one year, and Dan said to Mary, “You know, Mary, I’m 87 now. If I don’t ride the helicopter this year, I may not get another chance. I ain’t got much time left.“

Well, Mary had known hard times, so she could never be frivolous with money. Once again, her response was the same, “Dan, you know the helicopter costs $50, and $50 is $50.“

Well, as they were talking, the helicopter pilot overheard their conversation.

“Hey, listen folks,” he said, “I’ll offer you a deal. I’ll take you both for a ride in the helicopter, and if you can both stay completely quiet for the entire ride, then you can have it for free. However, you must not say a word. If you do say anything, you must pay the $50.”

Well, this sounded like a great deal to Dan and Mary, so naturally, they agreed, and up they went in the helicopter.

In an attempt to get them to say something, the pilot performed every fancy trick and move he knew, but they didn’t say a word.

To up the ante, the pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still, there wasn’t so much as one word spoken.

Finally, they landed, and the pilot turned to Dan and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!“

“Well, to be honest,” said Dan, “I almost said something when Mary fell out, but, you know, $50 is $50!“

Saily eSIM

Please share this post with your friends:

So did these funny short story jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might also enjoy:

DISCLAIMER: Post contains affiliate links; no additional charge to you; commissions support cost of maintaining this website. Thank you for your support.

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

10 hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh out loud

10/26/2025 by

If you need a good laugh, and let’s face it, we all need a good laugh, then I have a collection of jokes just for you, dear reader. Here are 10 hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh out loud. 

Take a few moments to enjoy this batch of jokes because let’s face it, it would be wrong not to.

And remember, if they have you laughing, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

If you only do one thing today, then it must be to share the jokes and make people laugh. They’ll be glad you did.

HILARIOUS JOKES
Make Money

Hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh:

1. One man and his talking dog:

Jim walks into a New York bar with his dog Fido.

Jim walks right up to the bar, turns to face the seated customers and says, “This is my dog Fido, and believe it or not, he’s a talking dog. If I can demonstrate to you that Fido can answer any of my questions who will buy me a drink?“

“Listen, buddy, if you can demonstrate that Fido can talk, you can have a drink on the house,” says the bartender.

So Jim turns to Fido and asks, “What goes on the top of a house?“

“Roof!” Fido responds.

“What does tree bark feel like?” asks Jim.

“Rough!” says Fido.

“Who was the greatest baseball player ever?” asks Jim.

“Ruth!” says Fido.

The bartender is really unimpressed with what he’s hearing, and he snaps at Jim. “You’re a phoney buddy. We’re not fooled by any of that. You and your dog can get out of here right now. Go on, on your way!“

As Jim and his dog are thrown out onto the street, Fido looks sadly at Jim and says, “What did I do wrong? Should I have said, Joe DiMaggio or Mickey Mantle?“

2. The Thief and the Parrot:

A thief breaks into a house when he thinks no one will be at home.

He’s creeping carefully through the property, and as he steps into the lounge, he’s stopped dead in his tracks when he suddenly hears someone say very clearly, “Jesus is watching you!”

He stands very still for a moment until everything in the house falls silent again. At this point, he moves forward very slowly.

Once again, he hears that voice, “Jesus is watching you!”

The thief is now frightened out of his wits, and he stops once again to focus on locating the voice.

He’s looking around, peering into the darkness, when he spots a birdcage and in the birdcage is a parrot.

The thief looks the parrot in the eyes and asks, “Was that you who said, ‘Jesus is watching me’?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The thief relaxes and breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness for that”, he says to the parrot. “What’s your name?”

“The family here call me Ronald”, said the parrot.

“Ronald? You cannot be serious!” laughs the thief. “What sort of family calls their pet parrot Ronald?”

“The sort of family that calls their ferocious Rottweiler guard dog Jesus,” the parrot responds.

3. Hospital banter:

Five surgeons are taking their lunch break and enjoying a little banter to relax. The conversation moves on quickly to the people they regard as the best patients.

The first surgeon says, “For me, it’s got to be accountants. They are the best people to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered.“

The second surgeon responds, “No, I don’t agree. Librarians have to be the best people to operate on because everything inside them is in alphabetical order.“

The third surgeon thinks for a minute, smiles and then he says, “Sounds like you’ve never operated on an electrician. When you open them up, you’ll find everything inside them is colour-coded!“

The fourth surgeon laughs and says,” Well, personally, I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable.“

The fifth surgeon has been quietly listening to the conversation so far when he’s asked by the others what he thinks.

“Well, I like to operate on engineers because they’re always very understanding if I find myself with a few parts left over when the job’s done,” he says.

4. Talking dog for sale:

A couple is out for a walk when they notice a large sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.”

They are both intrigued by the idea of a talking dog, so they knock on the door and ask if they can take a look at this dog

“Sure!” says the owner, “Come on in.”

The owner escorts them into the lounge where the dog is lying on the sofa watching television.

“Hello,” they say to the dog.

“Hello,” the dog responds.

“What have you done with your life so far then?” the couple asks the dog.

“Well, actually, I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog.

“Really?” says the couple.

“Yes, really,” says the dog. “I’ve lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I work part-time reading to the residents in a retirement home.”

The couple is amazed by this. They can’t believe any dog could have done quite so much.

One of them then asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of this amazing dog?”

“Oh, we’re getting rid of him because he’s a liar. He’s not done any of those things,” says the owner.

5. Miscommunication:

Jed goes into a public restroom, and he’s barely sat down in the cubicle when he hears a voice say, “Hi, how are you?“

Feeling a little embarrassed, Jed says politely, “Well, I guess I’m doing fine, thank you!“

The voice then responds, “So what are you up to?“

Jed is even more embarrassed, but once again he responds politely, “Well, just like you, I’m sitting here trying to get a load off my mind.“

He then hears the voice say, “Hey, can I come over?“

Jed is now extremely embarrassed and starting to get slightly irritated too, so he snaps back, “Look, surely you understand I’m a bit busy right now!“

At this point, he hears the voice say, “Jane, listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the next cubicle who keeps responding to all my questions!”

Saily eSIM

6. Two hunters:

Two hunters are out in the woods hunting bears when one of them suddenly collapses.

The other guy checks him over and realises that he’s not breathing and his eyes are a bit glazed. So he grabs his cell phone and immediately calls 911.

“I think my friend’s dead!” he yells down the phone with panic in his voice. “What should I do?”

“Sir, if you can just calm down, I’ll help you,” says the operator calmly. “Let’s just make sure he’s dead first.”

There’s then a moment of silence, followed by what is clearly a g*nshot.

Back on the phone, the guy then says to the operator, “Right, now what?”

7. Cosmetic surgery:

Jill, a middle-aged woman, is having surgery in the hospital following a severe heart attack when she has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die, God?” she asks.

To which God responds, “No, my dear, you still have 30 more years to live yet.”

Well, if she’s got 30 more years to look forward to and since she’s in hospital anyway, Jill decides she might as well make the most of her operation.

So she gets br**st implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, a hair transplant, and collagen injections in her lips. When it’s all finished and the bruises have healed, she looks absolutely stunning and 10 years younger.

The day she’s discharged from the hospital, she leaves the hospital with a real spring in her step. Feeling very good about her makeover, Jill steps into the street and is immediately knocked down by an ambulance and killed.

As she steps through the Pearly Gates, Jill sees God and decides to complain. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she says to God.

“Well, that’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” Jill asks.

To which God shrugs and says, “I’m sorry, but I didn’t recognize you.”

8. Kids are smarter than you think:

A young boy walks into a barber’s shop, and the barber whispers to the customer to whom he’s currently attending, “This kid has got to be the dumbest kid in the world. Watch and I’ll prove it to you.”

The barber then puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then he says to the boy, “Hey kid, which do you want, the dollar bill or the quarters?”

The boy decides to take the quarters, and then he leaves the shop.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That dumb kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer is leaving the barber’s shop, he sees the same kid coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, kid! May I ask you a question?” asks the customer. “Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?“

The boy licks his ice cream for a moment before saying, “Because the day I take the dollar bill, the game is over!”

9. Classmates:

While waiting for her first appointment with her new dentist, Jane notices his degree certificate on the wall, which includes his full name.

Suddenly, Jane remembers a tall, handsome boy from her high school class some 45 years ago who had the same name. Naturally, she wonders whether this can be the same guy.

However, upon seeing him, she quickly dismisses any such thought. Surely this ageing, balding, grey-haired old man with a deeply lined face could not possibly be one of her old high school classmates?

After he had finished examining her teeth, Jane decided to ask him whether he attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“That’s amazing. What year did you graduate then?” Jane asks.

“In 1973,” he responds.

“Amazing, you were in my class!” Jane exclaims.

He looks at her closely and then asks, “What subject did you teach?“

10. The Monastery:

Every ten years in the monastery, the monks were allowed to break their vow of silence to speak just two words.

With ten years gone by, Brother Michael gets his first chance to speak.

He thinks for a second and then says, “Food bad.”

Another ten years go by, and again Brother Michael has an opportunity to speak briefly and on this occasion, he says, “Bed hard.”

A further decade later, it’s the big day once more. However, this time Brother Michael gives the head monk a long stare before saying, “I quit.”

To which the head monk responds, “I’m not surprised. You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

Please share this post:

So did these hilarious jokes make you laugh out loud? Were they all you hoped they’d be, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Saily eSIM

Articles you might also enjoy:

DISCLAIMER: Post contains affiliate links; no additional charge to you; commissions support cost of maintaining this website. Thank you for your support.

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How to call someone stupid in a smart way

10/21/2025 by

If you’re wondering how to call someone stupid in a smart way, this article is just for you.

I thought it would be fun to curate some of the many euphemisms we use occasionally to indicate that someone of our acquaintance is not very bright.

So, here are 37 ways I can think of to suggest someone lacks brainpower.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

Saily eSIM

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (1-10)

He’s as sharp as a marble

He’s a dime short of a dollar

He’s as dim as a Toc-H lamp

He’s a sandwich short of a picnic

With him, it’s all foam, and no beer

He’s a few fries short of a Happy meal

He’s as sharp as a sock full of soup

He’s not firing on all cylinders

If he had brains, he’d be dangerous

He’s a few cards short of a full deck

Make Money

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (11-20)

The lights are on but no one’s home

He’s not the brightest star in the sky

He’s not the sharpest tool in the box

He’s a Fruit Loop short of a full bowl

He’s not the fastest horse in the race

Few people are slower on the uptake

He doesn’t have all the dots on his dice

He’s not the brightest crayon in the box

He’s the reason we have warning labels

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (21-30)

He just doesn’t have both oars in the water

The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead

There’s a village somewhere missing its idiot

You could never accuse him of intelligent thought

He’s certainly unburdened by the thought process

Put your ear next to his and you can hear the ocean

He could hide his own Easter eggs and never find them

With him, the elevator doesn’t go all the way up to the top

He’s got two brain cells, and both are fighting for third place

That guy’s known as 90 cents because he ain’t the full dollar

Make Money
Saily eSIM

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (31-37)

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change back

He’s like a pair of children’s scissors, colourful, but not too sharp

He couldn’t pour water out of a shoe with instructions on the heel

When God was giving out brains, he was standing in the wrong queue

No one would suggest that intellectual horsepower is his strongest suit

What he doesn’t know would fill the Library of Congress and then some

If his brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow his hat off

Saily eSIM

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, if you were searching for how to call someone stupid in a smart way, was this article worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of them make you smile? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles you might enjoy:

Saily eSIM

DISCLAIMER: Post contains affiliate links; no additional charge to you; commissions support cost of maintaining this website. Thank you for your support.

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

17 jokes that will make you laugh out loud

10/08/2025 by

We all need more opportunities to laugh out loud, so I’ve gathered some more jokes by trawling the Internet just for you, dear reader.

I cannot be sure who wrote them originally, but I’d be happy to credit the authors if anyone can identify them.

In the meantime, here are today’s 17 jokes that will make you laugh out loud. Indeed, they made me smile.

Laugh out loud (1-7):

  • What do you call someone wearing a belt with a watch attached to it?
  • A waist of time.
  • Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg?
  • He’s all right now.
  • Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
  • Because he had a great fall.
  • How can you get four suits for a dollar?
  • Buy a deck of cards.
  • Why didn’t the melons get married?
  • Because they cantaloupe.
  • What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
  • Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!
  • What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
  • Snowballs.
Make Money

Laugh out loud (8-17):

  • What did the bartender say to the drunk who walked into the bar with jumper cables around his neck?
  • You can stay but don’t try to start anything.
  • What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
  • One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
  • Thieves stole a truck full of Viagra today.
  • The police are on the lookout for two hardened criminals.
  • I always sleep better naked.
  • Why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
  • A police officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.
  • He seemed irritated when I said kindergarten.
  • What do you call a caveman with wind?
  • A blast from the past.
  • The waitress asked, “You wanna box for those leftovers?”
  • I said, “No, but I’ll arm wrestle you for them.” 
  • Thousands of eggs have been stolen from a local farm.
  • Police believe poachers are to blame.
  • I’ve taken up a new sport. It’s called silent tennis.
  • It is just like regular tennis, but without the racket.
  • I’m writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
  • It’s an oughtobiography.

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these jokes made you smile, then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

DISCLAIMER: Post contains affiliate links; commissions support cost of maintaining site. Thank you.

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

32 witty, one-liner jokes about getting old to make you smile

10/08/2025 by

Looking for some jokes about getting old, dear reader? Well, today I can offer you 32 of them.

Whether you’re young or old, I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to a few of them.

I hope you enjoy them all and I hope they make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

And remember this; we all get older, but getting old is a state of mind much more than anything else. You don’t have to let the old man or woman in.

Anyway, take a few moments to read them all and then pass them on.

Jokes about getting old:

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Women rarely admit their age; men rarely act it.

I’m so old that my first car was a covered wagon.

How come everyone my age seems older than me?

I’m at the age where I can’t keep up with all the things I hate.

A wise man remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age.

I’m so old, I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.

Regular naps will prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.

Ageing gracefully is the polite way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.

You know you’re old when dining out means catching the early bird special.

We were so poor growing up we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.

You know you’re old when people call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”

I believe in loyalty. So, when I got to a certain age, I decided to stick with it.

My wife’s so vain, she’d rather pay full price than admit she’s a senior citizen.

I’d like to say I’m ageing like fine wine, but in my case, it’s more like a fine banana.

I like older women because they’re used to life’s disappointments, so they’re ready for me.

When you’re old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you’re there.

Old age is when your old classmates are so grey, wrinkled, and bald that they no longer recognize you.

If it’s your birthday today, you should congratulate yourself. Especially if you’re still able to remember it.

The older I get, the more cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?

You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.

The skill of the diplomat is the ability to tell someone to go to Hell in such a way that they’ll look forward to the trip.

Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.

The best moment of a woman’s life isn’t giving birth, it’s seeing an old adversary and realizing how fat and ugly she is now.

When you’re young, you make a lot of noise just having fun. When you’re old, you make even more noise just bending over.

I wanted to look distinguished in my old age, so I grew a beard. Turns out the statement I’m making is more like, “Discount, please, I’m a senior!”

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. Fortunately, my older brother told me about it.

When I was young, I did stupid things because I didn’t know any better. Now I know better, I still do stupid things, but I can’t help it.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then I remember that death will be normal for my age at some point.

I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.

When you’re young, embarrassment is forgetting to zip up your fly. When you’re old, embarrassment is forgetting to unzip your fly.

As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right one for me.

Please share this post with your friends:

Dear reader, did these jokes about getting old make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

DISCLAIMER: Post contains affiliate links; commissions support cost of maintaining site. Thank you.

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

75 brilliant comedy quotes to make you smile

09/27/2025 by

Today I am exploring comedy quotes. By that, I mean humorous quotes from American comedy television and the movies.

I’m thinking about everything, including absurdity, sarcasm, awkward charm, sharp wit and anything perfect for keeping the laughter going.

I’ve selected 25 comedy quotes from my journal, so take a look and enjoy them all.

And, please, feel free to share them with your friends.

Make Money

Brilliant Comedy Quotes

1. TV Comedy Shows

  1. “Why does everything I love run away from me?”
    — Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock
  2. “I’m a snack. A Smart Snack. I’m like almonds.”
    — Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell), The Good Place
  3. “I’m not interested in caring about people.”
    — April Ludgate (Aubrey Plaza), Parks and Recreation
  4. “If I were a superhero, my power would be passive-aggression.”
    — Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry), Friends
  5. “If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.”
    — Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker), The Office (US)
  6. “Sometimes I wish I were a l*sbian… did I say that out loud?”
    — Ross Geller (David Schwimmer), Friends
  7. “It’s never too early for ice cream.”
    — Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
  8. “I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed b*tch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.”
    — Gretchen Wieners (Lacey Chabert), Mean Girls (also a film, but frequently quoted in sitcom-style banter)
  9. “I am the human disaster.”
    — Jessica Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl
  10. “You could drown in that voice.”
    — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
  11. “That’s a lot of feelings to pack into one sentence, and I don’t like it.”
    — Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  12. “Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt no doubt no doubt.”
    — Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi), Community
  13. “I live in a constant state of fear and misery.”
    — Tina Belcher (Dan Mintz), Bob’s Burgers
  14. “I once forgot my own birthday. I thought it was tomorrow.”
    — Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
  15. “It’s pronounced ‘Zee-ro’ not ‘Zero.’ I’m European now.”
    — Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara), Schitt’s Creek
  16. “You know how I know you’re g*y? You like Coldplay.”
    — Seth (Jonah Hill), Superbad (film, but often referenced in TV-style quips)
  17. “I went outside once. The graphics were good, but the gameplay sucked.”
    — Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  18. “I’m gonna go lie down for twenty minutes and hope everything fixes itself.”
    — Amy Santiago (Melissa Fumero), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  19. “I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”
    — George Lopez (George Lopez), George Lopez Show
  20. “I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.”
    — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
  21. “I love you, but I love me more.”
    — Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall), S*x and the City
  22. “I’m not a morning person. Or a night person. Let’s just say I’m not a person.”
    — Daria Morgendorffer (Tracy Grandstaff), Daria
  23. “Every time I try to do something fun, you make it not that way.”
    — Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US)
  24. “I am an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a vest.”
    — Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl
  25. “I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man. But I want one. Preferably rich and emotionally unavailable.”
    — Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), The Mindy Project

2. Comedy Movies:

  1. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”
    — President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
  2. “I have n*pples, Greg. Could you milk me?”
    — Jack Byrnes (Robert De Niro), Meet the Parents
  3. “I’m in a dress. I have gel in my hair. I haven’t slept all night. I’m starved, and I’m armed. Don’t mess with me.”
    — Miss Congeniality (Sandra Bullock), Miss Congeniality
  4. “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”
    — Anna Scott (Julia Roberts), Notting Hill (used humorously in ironic contexts)
  5. “Why is the rum always gone?”
    — Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), Pirates of the Caribbean
  6. “This is like if that show ‘Cops’ was about cake.”
    — Annie (Kristen Wiig), Bridesmaids
  7. “I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books.”
    — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
  8. “There’s no crying in baseball!”
    — Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks), A League of Their Own
  9. “My hat blew off, Daddy!”
    — Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller), Zoolander
  10. “Is butter a carb?”
    — Regina George (Rachel McAdams), Mean Girls
  11. “I love lamp.”
    — Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman
  12. “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
    — Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling), The Notebook (used ironically in many comedies)
  13. “Put that cookie down! NOW!”
    — Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Jingle All the Way
  14. “Did I do that?”
    — Steve Urkel (Jaleel White), Family Matters (TV show)
  15. “I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.”
    — Jessica Rabbit (Kathleen Turner), Who Framed Roger Rabbit
  16. “He’s so hot right now.”
    — Mugatu (Will Ferrell), Zoolander
  17. “We came, we saw, we kicked its a*s!”
    — Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters
  18. “Flair. You know, like buttons. Pieces of flair.”
    — Joanna (Jennifer Aniston), Office Space
  19. “She doesn’t even go here!”
    — Damian (Daniel Franzese), Mean Girls
  20. “I like smiling. Smiling’s my favorite.”
    — Buddy (Will Ferrell), Elf
  21. “I thought they smelled bad… on the outside!”
    — Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (quoted in comedic contexts)
  22. “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”
    — Johnny (Tommy Wiseau), The Room (infamous cult comedy gold)
  23. “It’s not a man purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.”
    — Alan (Zach Galifianakis), The Hangover
  24. “You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”
    — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
  25. “I don’t know what we’re yelling about!”
    — Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman

3. Dry, Sarcastic, and Sassy Quotes (TV & Movies)

  1. “I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.”
    — Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling), The Office (US)
  2. “You’re not the worst person in the world, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
    — Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock
  3. “I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”
    — Phoebe Buffay (Lisa Kudrow), Friends
  4. “I’ll have what she’s having.”
    — Woman in deli (Estelle Reiner), When Harry Met Sally
  5. “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
    — Red Forman (Kurtwood Smith), That ’70s Show
  6. “You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”
    — Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), The Golden Girls
  7. “I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”
    — Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch), Glee
  8. “I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.”
    — Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara), Schitt’s Creek
  9. “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
    — Max Black (Kat Dennings), 2 Broke Girls
  10. “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”
    — Nicky (Natasha Lyonne), Orange Is the New Black
  11. “Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?”
    — Detective Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence), Bad Boys
  12. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
    — Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  13. “My give-a-damn’s busted.”
    — Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), The Golden Girls
  14. “Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.”
    — Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur), The Golden Girls
  15. “I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.”
    — Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
  16. “I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
    — Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  17. “I don’t do hypotheticals. I’m either right or I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong.”
    — Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Parks and Recreation
  18. “I want you to know I’m really happy for you. And by happy I mean furious.”
    — Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl
  19. “My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m getting fat.”
    — Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), The Mindy Project
  20. “I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?”
    — Monica Geller (Courteney Cox), Friends
  21. “You’re so full of crap, your eyes are brown.”
    — Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki), Supernatural
  22. “I’m not judging you, I’m just saying you’re wrong.”
    — Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  23. “You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”
    — Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  24. “You don’t deserve a good hair day.”
    — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
  25. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester), Gossip Girl
Make Money

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these comedy quotes amusing? Did they make you smile? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

Please share this post now.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

09/23/2025 by

Do you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25, that I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile, and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them, and then please pass them on.

Make Money

Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

  1. I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
  2. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  3. Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
  4. My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
  5. A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  6. For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
  7. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  8. Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
  9. How is it that I always seem to buy plants without the will to live?
  10. The importance of teamwork is that there’s always someone else to blame.
  11. We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  12. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  13. Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
  14. The other man’s grass may be greener, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
  15. If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

  1. Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
  2. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
  3. An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
  4. It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, but what they mean is, you need to listen.
  5. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
  6. Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
  7. Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
  8. We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
  9. My boss asked whether it was me or him who was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
  10. Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away, and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.
Make Money

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

8 really funny jokes that will make you smile

09/21/2025 by

If you’re like me, you enjoy really funny jokes. Something to make you laugh and brighten the day. Well, here are eight really funny jokes that all made me smile today.

I hope you enjoy them.

And, if you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Really Funny Jokes:

1. Money’s too tight to mention:

Two old friends, Mary and Jane, were going shopping.

Mary was a spendthrift and she had a bad habit of constantly overdrawing her bank account.

Before leaving for the mall, Jane complained about her own lack of funds and sadly lamented, “If I buy anything, I guess I’ll have to use plastic.”

Unconcerned, Mary whipped out her chequebook and said, “Well I’ll be using rubber.”

2. Blood from a stone:

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s wealthy banker, so the director decided to make a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?” the banker continued.

“I … I … I had no idea,”  the director admitted.

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

3. Verifying your cheque:

The store clerk requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal cheque for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she said was the only thing she had that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank. 

Make Money

4. Asking for charity:

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m their landlord.”

 5. Ways of seeing:

Teenager, Billy lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a brief but fruitless search, Billy gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she’d found the lens.

“How did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing Billy,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

6. The rooster:

A farmer decided he wanted to go into town to see a movie.

As he was standing in line for a ticket, the ticket agent says to him. “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “this here’s my pet rooster, Chuck. I never go anywhere without Chuck.”

“Sir, I’m sorry,” the ticket agent responds, “but we don’t allow any animals in the auditorium.”

Now the farmer is a wily old operator, and he knows how to work around a problem.

So, he disappears around the corner and stuffs the rooster down his overalls. Then he returns to the ticket booth, buys a ticket, and walks off to take his seat.

On this occasion, he’s seated next to two old women, Maude and Daisy.

The movie starts and naturally, the rooster begins to get restless. So, the old farmer unbuttons his fly so Chuck could stick his head out to watch the movie.

“Daisy,” says Maude, whispering.

“What is it, Maude?” Daisy responds.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” Daisy asks.

“He just undid his pants, and he’s got his thing out,” whispers Maude.

“So, why worry?” Daisy responds, “at your age, it’s not like you haven’t seen one before. When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

“Well, that’s what I thought,” Maude responded, “but this one’s eating my popcorn.“

7. Devoted wife:

Harry is on his deathbed, and he says to his wife, “Mabel, I will be gone soon, and there’s something I must ask you. In these 50 years of our marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?“

“Well, Harry,” Mabel replied, “I must be honest with you. I was unfaithful on three occasions during these past 50 years, but always with good reason.“

“Really?” said Harry, hurt by Mabel’s confession. “I didn’t suspect anything. Can you tell me your reasons?“

Mabel sighed and said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our house because we couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?“

Harry remembered the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?“

Mabel hesitated momentarily and then said, “Do you remember when you had heart problems and we didn’t have enough money to pay your medical bills? I went to see your doctor one night, and if you recall, he did the bypass surgery at no charge.“

“Oh, yes,” said Harry, “How could I forget, Mabel? You saved my life, so I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Well,” Mabel continued, “do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed to be sure you could count on all 15 votes from the committee members?“

Make Money

8. The Lesson:

While walking along Pennsylvania Avenue, a congressman is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Suddenly he finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St. Peter.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter.

The congressman is still a little confused, given his circumstances, but thanks St Peter for his welcome.

“Now,” St Peter continues, “before you settle in, there is an issue. We seldom see politicians here, so we’re never quite sure what to do with you. However, we do have a procedure.”

“So, what happens now?” asks the congressman.

“Well,” says St Peter, “What we’ll do is have you spend a day in Hell followed by a day in Heaven. Then you can choose where you’ll spend eternity.”

With that, St. Peter escorts the congressman to an elevator and down he goes to Hell.

A few moments later, the elevator door opens, and the congressman finds himself standing in the clubhouse of the most amazing golf course he’d ever seen. Standing in front of him were all his old Washington buddies and other politicians who’d predeceased him.

They’re all having a great time, drinking, laughing and joking. When they see him, they greet him warmly, shake his hand, and reminisce about all the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of ordinary people. They invite him to play a game of golf and then afterwards they all dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

The devil joins them for dinner. The congressman is amazed at how friendly and caring the devil is. Nothing like he had imagined.

They were all having the most amazing time when the devil suggested it was probably time for the congressman to complete the process with St Peter.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and a wave as the elevator rises back up to the Pearly Gates. Suddenly the door opens and St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Well,” says St Peter, “now it’s time to visit Heaven.”

The time passes with the congressman joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. The time they had was pleasant enough if a little underwhelming, but it passed quickly. Before he realizes it, the congressman is back with St Peter.

“Well, now,” says St Peter, “you’ve seen what Heaven and Hell have to offer, so you must now make a choice.”

The congressman reflects on his options momentarily, then says, “Well, pleasant as Heaven was, what the devil has to offer me seems like a much better deal. So, I’ll opt for Hell.”

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and back he goes down to Hell for all eternity.

When the elevator door opens, the congressman finds himself in a stinking hellhole full of waste and garbage. Once again, he sees his friends, but they’re dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The smell is terrible.

The congressman struggles to comprehend what he’s seeing as the devil arrives to greet him. “I don’t understand,” the congressman says to the devil, “this is not what I voted for.”

The devil smiles at him.

“Yesterday,” continues the congressman, “when I was here, there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. How can this possibly be what I voted for?”

Once again, the devil smiles at him and says, “Ah, yes, you’ve noticed. Well, you see, yesterday I was campaigning. Today I have your vote. So, now you know how ordinary people feel.”

Please share this post:

So did these prove to be the really funny jokes you’d hoped for read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Next Page »