Laugh

3 very funny jokes to get you smiling a little

01/07/2021 by Roy Sutton

Laughter is a great way to give yourself a boost. So today I offer you 3 very funny jokes to get you smiling, hopefully just a little. Enjoy them all.

1. Store policy:

The store manager overheard her sales assistant saying to an elderly customer, “No mam, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Alarmed by what she’d heard, the store manager rushed over to the elderly lady as she was leaving the store and said, “Mam, I am so sorry, the information you were given was incorrect. We will actually have some very soon. We’ve placed an order today.”

The elderly lady gave the store manager a slightly puzzled look, but then just smiled and left the store.

The store manager then walked back over to her sales assistant and said very sternly, “You must never say that we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we have it on order and we expect it any day. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, mam!” responded the sales assistant.

“So what was it the old lady was asking for?” enquired the store manager.

“Rain”, responded her sales assistant.

2. Bad news:

Dan went to his physician for his annual check-up.

However, he was shocked when his doctor said to him, “I’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live.”

“Are you sure?” said Dan, “I feel fine. Isn’t there anything that can be done?”

“Well” said his doctor, “you could try taking a mud bath each day.”

“Will that cure me?” asked Dan.

“No, but it’ll get you used to the dirt”, responded the physician.

3. Embarrassing situations:

By nature, Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes of this woman and eventually he plucked up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

“Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice, “No! I will not sleep with you tonight!”

Jason blushed, beetroot red with embarrassment and everyone in the bar looked over to see what was going on.

So he walked back over to the counter where he’d been sitting, reflecting on how he might have handled the situation and intending to leave the bar as soon as he’d finished his drink.

However, a couple of minutes later the attractive woman walked over to him and apologised.

“I’m really sorry”, she said. “I’m actually a PhD student at Harvard and I’m doing research on how people respond in embarrassing situations.”

To which Jason responded, yelling loudly at the top of his voice, “What do you mean you charge three hundred dollars minimum?”

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If you enjoyed these very funny jokes, dear reader, then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

3 amusing short story jokes that will definitely make you laugh

11/26/2020 by Roy Sutton

If you’re in need of a little comic relief then here are 3 amusing short story jokes that will definitely make you laugh. Take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

1. Escaping a ticket:

Jim was finally enjoying a bit of freedom in life, so he decided to buy himself a new Mercedes C-Class Cabriolet.

On the day he collected it from the dealership he thought it would be a great idea to take his new toy out for a spin on the Interstate.

It was a pleasant evening, so with the top down and the wind in his hair he decided to really put his foot down until the pedal hit the metal.

The acceleration was amazing but as the car hit 90 mph. suddenly there was the sound of a siren and through his rearview mirror, Jim could see blue lights flashing.

Undaunted by this turn of events Jim just thought to himself, “There’s no way the cops will catch me in a Mercedes at full speed.”

And momentarily he kept the car going flat out until his speed exceeded 110 mph.

However, his nerve went when he realised that despite his speed the cops were actually gaining on him.

So the reality of his situation hit him and Jim thought, “What the hell am I doing?“

He slowed down and pulled over.

At the side of the road, the cop came up to him and said, “Sir, could I see your license please?”

Jim handed over his license.

The cop studied it momentarily and then said to Jim, “Sir, it’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and to be honest I really don’t feel like doing any more paperwork. So I’ll offer you a deal. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go without a ticket.“

Jim thought for a second and then said, “Officer, a month ago my wife ran off with a cop. Life has been so good since then but I was afraid you were chasing in an attempt to give her back to me.“

The cop smiled at Jim and said, “Have a nice weekend sir.”

And with that, he left Jim to enjoy his new car.

2. The price for a little fun:

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived home on Sunday evening he was confronted by his angry wife and, needless to say, she hurled abuse at him for nearly two hours in a tirade befitting his irresponsible actions.

Finally, as she stopped shouting at him, his wife said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me,” Bill responded unwisely.

Monday went by and Bill didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

However, on Thursday, the swelling had gone down sufficiently for Bill to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

3. Unexpected benefit:

Mike and his wife Liz had the misfortune to be caught up in a terrible road traffic accident, with multiple cars involved. Unfortunately in the carnage that followed, Liz’s face was severely burned.

She was taken to the local hospital where the doctor told Mike that she would need a skin graft on her face.

“The problem is,” said the doctor, “your wife is so thin we wouldn’t be able to use any skin from her body for the graft.”

“Could I donate skin from my body?” asked Mike.

“Yes, you can,” said the doctor. “However the only suitable skin would be skin from your buttocks.”

Mike explained the situation to Liz and asked whether skin from his buttocks would be acceptable to her.

“Well, as long as no one else knows where the skin came from,” said Liz.

Jim assured her that it would be their secret and the doctor also promised he would honour her request for secrecy.

So Liz had the surgery and when all the scars had healed everyone was amazed at how beautiful Liz now looked.

She’d always been attractive but she was now even more beautiful than she’d been before. All her friends and relatives couldn’t help commenting on her youthful beauty.

One day, Liz was sitting alone with Mike and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

“Mike, I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. There’s no way I could ever repay you,” said Liz.

Mike smiled and kissed her. Then he said, “Darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Please share with your friends on social media:

So were these amusing short story jokes as amusing as you’d hoped they would be, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

5 really funny jokes that will make you smile

11/19/2020 by Roy Sutton

If you’re like me you enjoy a joke. Something to make you laugh and brighten the day. Well here are five really funny jokes that made me smile today.

1. Money’s too tight to mention:

Two old friends, Mary and Jane, were going shopping.

Mary was a spendthrift and she had a bad habit of constantly overdrawing her bank account.

Before leaving for the mall, Jane complained about her own lack of funds and sadly lamented, “If I buy anything, I guess I’ll have to use plastic.”

Unconcerned, Mary just whipped out her checkbook and said, “Well I’ll be using rubber.”

2. Attempting to get blood from a stone:

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s wealthy banker, so the director decided to make a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

3. Verifying your check

The store clerk requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she said was the only thing she had that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

4. Asking for charity:

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m their landlord.”

5. Ways of seeing:

Teenager, Billy lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a brief but fruitless search, Billy gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she’d found the lens.

“How did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing Billy,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

Please share with your friends on social media:

So did these prove to be the really funny jokes you’d hoped for read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

37 one line funny quotes to brighten your day

11/12/2020 by Roy Sutton

One line funny quotes always make me smile. I just love clever wordplay and short, pithy comments. And I always make a note of them in my journal.

So today I’ve pulled together 37 one line funny quotes which I will brighten your day and raise a smile or two. Enjoy them all.

One line funny quotes:

Blunt pencils are pointless.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
The rotation of Earth makes my day.
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
Which shoes do frogs prefer? Open toad sandals.
Why do bees hum? They can’t remember the lyrics!
If you don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
The cost of living might be high but it remains popular.
You can add insult to injury by signing somebody’s cast.
If everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil. It wasn’t 2B.
I used to have an hour-glass figure, but the sand has shifted.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is on my ‘to do’ list.
The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children is enough!
You think you’ve got a handle on life and then you realise it’s broke.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Adam and Eve were the first to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
Does refusing to go to the gym count as a form of resistance training?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It can dissolve marriages, families and careers.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I’ve a hunch, it might be me.
I went to see my physician about my short-term memory problems. He made me pay in advance.
I bought a new pair of gloves and they were both ‘lefts’. Good on the one hand but on the other, just not right.
My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honest I’m not a fan.
I’m sceptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
Do I have a girlfriend? Well, I know a girl who would be really mad if I said I didn’t.
Honesty’s the best policy, which suggests that dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Houdini used a trap door in every show, which suggests it was a stage he was going through.
Animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
A ghost walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a Whiskey. The bartender said, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve spirits in here.”
It was so cold in Manhattan last night that flashers were forced to describe themselves to people.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did any of these one-line funny quotes make you smile?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

4 long funny stories with morals to tell your friends

11/11/2020 by Roy Sutton

Here are four long funny stories with morals to tell your friends. They all made me smile and I hope they brighten your day too:-

1. The nuns’ dilemma:

There were these two very clever, Catholic nuns. They were so clever that one was known only as Sister Mathematical, whilst the other went only by the name of Sister Logical.

One afternoon, they were returning to the Convent of St Mary but they were still a long way off, when it was beginning to get dark.

“Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?” said Sister Mathematical, “I wonder what he wants?”

“There’s a logical explanation,” said Sister Logical, “He wants to have his wicked way with us.”

“Oh Lord, no!” Sister Mathematical responded. “At the rate at which he’s walking, he will catch up with us 13.8 minutes. What can we do?”

“The logical thing would be to walk faster.” Sister Logical replied.

So they carried on at a brisk pace, trying not to look back.

A few minutes went by and Sister Mathematical observed, “We’ve doubled our pace but this plan isn’t working.”

“Naturally it’s not working,” said Sister Logical, “The man responded logically by quickening his pace too. He’s now gaining on us.”

“What can we do?” asked Sister Mathematical. “At this rate, he’ll reach us in less than one minute.”

“The logical thing to do now is to split”, replied Sister Logical. “If we go off in different directions, he can’t follow both of us.”

So off they went in different directions and, as it luck would have it, the man followed Sister Logical.

Eventually, Sister Mathematical arrived back at the convent but she was worried about what might have happened to her friend.

Within a few minutes, Sister Logical suddenly appeared, back at the convent.

“Oh, Sister Logical”, Sister Mathematical exclaimed. “Thank the Lord, you’re back safely. Tell me what happened.”

“Well logically, the man could only follow one of us”, said Sister Logical, “and he chose to follow me.”

“Yes, yes!” said Sister Mathematical, “But what happened then?”

“Well I took the logical course of action”, said Sister Logical, “and I ran as fast as I could and even faster than we had been running together.”

“So then what happened?” Sister Mathematical replied.

“He responded logically, and he ran even faster too,” said Sister Logical. “And within a minute he’d caught up with me.”

“Oh, dear Lord!” said Sister Mathematical. “What did you do then?”

“I did the only logical thing I could do”, Sister Logical replied, “I lifted the skirt of my habit up to my waist.”

“Oh, dear Lord!” said Sister Mathematical. “And what did he do then?”

“The logical thing for him”, Sister Logical replied. “He pulled his trousers down to his ankles.”

“Oh, dear Lord!” said Sister Mathematical. “And what happened next?”

“Isn’t that logical, Sister?” Sister Logical responded. “A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his trousers down.”

Moral of the Story: Readers eagerly anticipating a story of a more adult nature, go and say three Hail Marys!

2. Community service:

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

The barber did an excellent job and, being very pleased with the result, the florist asked for the bill.

“There’s no charge today, sir”, said the barber. “I can’t accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.”

The florist appreciated this generous gesture, so he thanked the barber and left the shop.

However, when the barber arrived to open his shop the next morning, there were a dozen roses waiting for him on his doorstep with a Thank You card from the florist.

Not long after the shop’s opened, a cop comes in for a haircut.

Once again, the barber does an excellent job but when the cop tries to settle the bill he gets the same response.

“There’s no charge today, sir”, said the barber. “I can’t accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.”

The cop said he appreciated the gesture and thanked the barber. He then left the shop.

However, when the barber arrived to open his shop the next morning, there was a box of a dozen donuts waiting for him on his doorstep with a Thank You card from the cop.

Later that day, a congressman walked in for a haircut.

Once again, the barber excelled himself, producing the perfect haircut, but when the congressman tried to settle the bill he got the same response too.

“There’s no charge today, sir”, said the barber. “I can’t accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.”

So the congressman thanked the barber and happily left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open his shop, there were a dozen congressmen lined up in the street waiting for a free haircut.

Moral of the Story: Politicians are driven only by self-interest and what’s in it for them.

3. The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”

The silence was deafening. People were looking at each other with expressions of absolute horror on their faces.

Then suddenly, a man jumps into the water and starts swimming like his life depended on it.

As the other visitors watched events unfold, the man headed for the shore, with a dozen crocodiles chasing in hot pursuit, all anticipating of an unexpected meal.

The crocodiles were fast but the man swam like greased lightning, and he managed to reach the shore unharmed.

As the man staggered up the beach, the owner announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!”

After receiving the reward, the man and his wife returned to their hotel.

The man’s face was still ashen, as he said to his wife, “I didn’t jump. I was pushed by someone.“

His wife smiled and with a wink of her eye, said, “I know dear, it was me!“

Moral of the Story: Behind every successful man, there’s always a woman to give him a little push.

The old lady at the bank:

An old lady walked up to the counter in her bank, handed her bank card to the teller and then said, “Mam, I would like to withdraw $10.”

Giving the old lady a look bordering on contempt, the teller replied, “For withdrawals of less than $100 you must use the ATM, mam.”

Looking a little crestfallen, the old lady asked why she couldn’t withdraw her money from the counter.

“These are the rules, mam,” said the teller irritably, as she returned the bank card to the old lady. “Now move along please because there’s a line of customers behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, as she gathered her thoughts.

She then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Then please, can you help me withdraw all the money I have in my account?”

The teller took the old lady’s card and tapped her details into the computer. She was astonished to see just how much the old lady had in her account.

“Mam, you have over $300,000 in your account,” said the teller, “the bank doesn’t have that much cash available today. You’ll need to make an appointment and come back tomorrow?”

The old lady smiled and asked, “How much can I withdraw now?”

“Well mam, you can withdraw up to $3,000”, the teller responded.

“In that case, let me have $3,000 now, in $10 bills, please“, said the old lady.

So, the teller laboriously counted out the $3,000 in $10 bills, then counted again, and finally she handed the cash to the old lady.

As the old lady took $10 from the top of the pile and put it in her purse, the teller then said, “Would there be anything else I can help you with today, mam?”

“Yes!” said the old lady with a smile, “I’d like to deposit $2990 into my account, please.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with old people, they’ve spent a lifetime mastering skills younger people couldn’t even begin to appreciate.

Please share the fun with your friends:

So dear reader, were these long funny stories with morals as amusing as you’d hoped? Did they make you laugh?

I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

15 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

11/10/2020 by Roy Sutton

There’s so much stuff on the Internet and so little time to read it all. We need a laugh but we haven’t got time to read the longer jokes.

Worry not dear reader. Help is at hand. Here are 15 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

They’ll only consume 30 seconds of your time and they’re well worth the effort. And laughter is the best medicine of course. So in the time it takes to take medication, you can have a laugh instead.

Surely that’s a win-win situation? Go on, enjoy them all now.

Brilliant one-liners:

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.
If a woman wants to scare a man the only question she needs to ask is, “Do you know what day it is today?”
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.
She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
If photons have mass does that mean they’re Catholic?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.
You know they’re a real friend when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.
Can you make a water-bed more bouncy by using spring water?
Why is the day you do your housework, laundry, cooking and ironing called a day off?

Please share with your friends on social media:

So did any of these prove to be the brilliant one-liners you’d hoped for read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

35 one-liners about life that are guaranteed to raise a smile

11/08/2020 by Roy Sutton

I love one-liners about life. The one I love most has to be the following:-

“Life? Don’t talk to me about life!”

Older readers may remember that this was the expression made famous by Marvin the Paranoid Android in Douglas Adams’ classic novel, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

I’m sure we’ve all shared Marvin’s sentiment occasionally, when we experience life’s more challenging moments.

However positive we are, life can get the better of us sometimes.

So here are some one-liners about life that are guaranteed to raise a smile or two, as I’m sure at least some of them will resonate with readers.

Life can be absurd at times and it’s difficult on occasions to believe the evidence of our own eyes and ears.

Nevertheless, our aim must be to remain positive and to do that we must learn to laugh at life and ourselves.

Don’t take it all too seriously.

Just laugh as much as you can and that is the perfect counter-balance to Life’s absurdities.

Start now by laughing at all these one-liners which I’ve collected together to amuse and entertain you, dear reader.

One-liners about life:

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Life is a terminal disease.
Youth is wasted on the young.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.
Being a hypochondriac could save your life one of these days.
Any room is a panic room if you’ve lost your phone in it.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
Just because a road’s well-trodden doesn’t mean it leads anywhere worth going.
As soon as you’re doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.
Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism but stealing ideas from many people is research.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
You might as well laugh at your problems because everyone else does.
God must love stupid people because he made so many of them.
Dolphins are so smart they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
If I was doin’ any better, I’d have to hire someone to help me enjoy it!
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
I thought I wanted a career but I realize now that I just wanted a decent income.
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why is it that most nudists are people you wouldn’t want to see naked?
No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.
Smile. Some people will appreciate it others will be irritated by it. Either way you win.
The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.

Polite request:

So dear reader, did any of these one-liners about life make you smile?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

25 of the funniest one-liners to make you smile

10/13/2020 by Roy Sutton

Here are some of the funniest one-liners I was able to find today. They all made me smile and I hope they brighten your day too.

Unfortunately I was unable to identify the original authors for these inventive and witty lines, so for the moment they are all classified as ‘Author Unknown’.

However should any reader be able to identify specific authors for individual one-liners, then I’d welcome your advice. I am very keen to add acknowledgements and links wherever I can, so please help.

In the meantime take a few minutes to enjoy 25 of the funniest one-liners because everyone needs to laugh whenever possible.

Funniest one-liners:

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there; he said he couldn’t complain.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Call me playful but scaring men is so easy.
Time may be a great healer but it’s a lousy beautician.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
It’s easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My ideal woman is one who is too naïve to know she’s way out of my league.
She wanted a puppy but I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
My husband is on the roof. Only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road!”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on Line 1 who says he’s invisible.” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
The deeper the pit you’re falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.

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3 hilariously funny story jokes to make you laugh

10/10/2020 by Roy Sutton

Today I offer you 3 hilariously funny story jokes that I’m confident will make you smile. So here we go.

1. Immaculate conception:

Jenny Smith accompanies her 15-year-old daughter Caitlyn to the doctor.

“Good evening Mrs Smith”, says the doctor, “how can I be of help today?”

“Well Doctor Morgan, it’s my daughter Caitlyn”, says Mrs Smith, “she’s putting on weight, she’s being sick in the mornings and she keeps getting these cravings.”

The kindly doctor smiles and then says, “Right then let me take a look at her.”

He then examines Caitlyn thoroughly before turning to her mother and saying, “Well, I’m not quite sure how to break this news to you Mrs Smith but your daughter is pregnant. Probably about three months gone, I would estimate.“

Jenny Smith is shocked. “Pregnant?” she says to the doctor.

“Yes mam”, the doctor responds.

“But how can that be?” says Mrs Smith. “She doesn’t even have a boyfriend. Do you Caitlyn?”

“No mom, I don’t” Caitlyn responds nervously. “I’ve never even kissed a boy and I’m still a virgin.”

Doctor Morgan walks across to the window in his surgery and starts gazing out into the evening sky.

A few minutes pass before Mrs Smith feels compelled to say, “What’s the problem doctor is something wrong out there?“

“No, not really”, Doctor Morgan replies, “but the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men arrived on camels to witness the event. That’s definitely a spectacle I didn’t want to miss.“

2. If a job matters, don’t leave it to a man:

Gloria is getting increasingly concerned that her 3-year-old son Billy looks completely different to both her and her husband Jeff.

So she decides to take Billy for a DNA test.

The results from the DNA test reveal that Billy is actually from completely different parents.

So when Jeff arrives home from work, Gloria says, “Honey, I’ve got something really serious to tell you.“

“Why? What’s wrong?” Jeff responds.

“Well”, says Gloria, “according to DNA test results, Billy is not our child.“

To which Jeff responds, “Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, ‘Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here’.”

3. You can’t outsmart an old dog:

An old dog strays into a jungle and gets himself completely lost.

A hungry lion basking in the sunspots the old dog from a distance and thinks to himself “I’ve not seen this type of animal before but he sure looks edible.”

The lion then gets up and starts moving slowly towards the old dog, gradually picking up the pace before he then sprints towards the dog with real menace in his eyes.

The old dog sees the charging lion and naturally, he starts to panic. Who wouldn’t panic in these circumstances?

However the old dog is also very smart and he realises he cannot outrun the lion. So having noticed some bones next to him on the ground he picks one up and starts chewing at it.

As the lion gets close, he then says loudly, “Hmmm, now that was some excellent lion meat!“

Hearing this comment stops the lion in his tracks.

The lion stares at the old dog thinking, “This old fella must be a lot tougher than he looks. It’s might be a good idea to leave him alone.“

A monkey in a nearby tree sees what’s happened and recognises that the old dog has managed to fool the lion.

Naturally the monkey thinks that this is a situation he might be able to exploit to his advantage.

So he goes over to the lion and tells him exactly what happened, in the hope that he might just get something in return.

The lion is angry that he’s fallen for the old dog’s deception, so he says to the monkey, “Get on my back now and we’ll get him together. We’ll teach him a lesson he won’t forget“.

So with the monkey on his back, the lion once again start rushing in the old dog’s direction.

Despite his advancing years, the old dog is quick to spot them and realizes what’s happened. He starts to panic again before he quickly gets another idea.

He then starts to act like he’s searching for something until they get close and then to ensure they hear him he shouts loudly, “Where’s that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago.“

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Thank you.

17 of the best puns ever and guaranteed to make you smile

10/01/2020 by Roy Sutton

I love wordplay, especially that form of wordplay that exploits multiple meanings of words for humorous effect.

I think clever puns are brilliant, which is why I’ve been searching the Internet for some of the best ones.

Here of 17 of the best puns I’ve found, so let me know what you think.

As always when searching the net for wit and wisdom, it’s difficult to confirm the original author. Should you be one of them dear reader then please let me know. That way I can give you credit for your brilliance.

Best puns ever:

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
I hate peer pressure and you should too.
I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
I’m a born pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she’s a keeper.
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where’s the bartender?”
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well, it’s just gathering dust.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
A cop knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes but my dogs don’t even own bikes.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. That must be a milestone.
To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing.
This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that’s a nice Jester.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns but I realized that toucan play at that game.

Polite request:

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Were these the best puns ever? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

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1. Store policy:

3. Embarrassing situations:

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1. Escaping a ticket:

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1. Immaculate conception:

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