9 funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work

9 FUNNY JOKES to tell your friends in the bar after workIf you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work, then look no further.

There are some excellent ones here. Well, I think so, anyway.

I hope you enjoy them all too. If you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell:

1. Turning a problem into an opportunity:

A young guy named Jim meets a farmer in a bar.

They get talking over a beer at the counter and very soon Jim’s bought a horse from the farmer unseen for $250. Not only has he not seen the nag, Jim even agreed to pay upfront too.

The farmer agrees to deliver the horse to Jim’s home the next day.

Sure enough the next morning the farmer arrives at Jim’s home but the news is not quite what Jim is expecting.

Sorry, son,” says the farmer, “but unfortunately the horse has died.

Well,” says Jim, “just give me back my money.”

“Sorry, son,” responds the farmer, “I can’t do that because I’ve already spent your money.”

“Well, in that case,” says Jim, “just bring me the dead horse.”

“What are you going to do with a dead horse?” asks the farmer.

“I’ll raffle him off, to get my money back,” says Jim.

You can’t raffle a dead horse!” exclaims the farmer, sounding a little surprised.

Sure, I can. Just watch me!” says Jim. “I just won’t mention the fact that the horse is dead.

A couple of months later, the farmer bumps into Jim in the same bar where they met originally.

Hi,” says the farmer. “Tell me, what happened to the dead horse?

I raffled him off like I said I would,” Jim responds.

Oh really, and how did that go?” asks the farmer.

It was brilliant,” says Jim. “I sold 1,000 raffle tickets at $5 each and after what I gave you for the horse plus expenses, I made $4,575 profit.”

Really?” says the farmer. “Didn’t anyone complain about the horse being dead?

Yes,” says Jim, “the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”

2. The power of flight:

Bill walks into a bar located on the roof terrace of a skyscraper in downtown Metropolis.

Bill’s standing at the counter waiting to be served, when the guy next to him offers him a sip of his cocktail.

Take a sip of this cocktail buddy,” the guy says, slurring his words. “It’s a special drink and it will give you the power of flight.

Oh, that’s got to be nonsense,” says Bill. “There’s no way taking a sip of someone’s drink will have me flying around the rooftops of Metropolis.”

Would I lie to you?” the guy says to Bill. “Let me show you.”

With that, the guy swallows the contents of the glass, then jumps off the roof, flies around in a wide circle and then glides smoothly back onto the roof terrace.

Bill is amazed by what he’s just witnessed. So he says to the bartender, “I’ll have whatever he’s been drinking.

Bill is served the same cocktail which he swallows in one and then he attempts to jump off the roof but falls flat on his face on the edge of the roof terrace.

The bartender looks at the guy who’d encouraged Bill to try the cocktail and says, “Dammit, you really are a nuisance to other customers when you’re drunk Superman.

3. Customer needs:

I was in Walmart just before Thanksgiving this year.

A lady was looking through a pile of frozen turkeys but she couldn’t seem to find one big enough for her needs.

I heard her speak with the clerk and she said, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?

No, mam!” he replied. “They’re all dead.”

Well, it made me smile.

4. Generous spirit:

I bumped into a woman outside the shopping mall who was crying because she’d just lost $200.

I felt really sorry for her, so I gave her $50 from the $200 I’d just found.

Well, when God smiles at you, it’s only right that you share your good fortune with those less fortunate than you.

5. Getting things done:

Yesterday, Mary’s husband Jim thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen.

So, naturally, Jim sprayed everything down very carefully and then cleaned the entire kitchen thoroughly from wall to wall and floor to ceiling. Absolutely nothing escaped his cleaning regime. When he’d finished the kitchen sparkled like new.

Today, Mary put the cockroach in the bathroom.

Moral of the Story: Never, ever underestimate a woman’s cunning.

6. Corny joke of the week:

Last night I saw two cows playing poker whilst smoking a couple of huge spliffs.

Yes, that’s right! The steaks were high.

7. Caught out:

Jane arrived in the office one morning and her boss said to her, “Jane, do you believe in life after death?

Looking slightly puzzled, she responded, “Well, I’m not aware that there’s any proof it exists.

Well, in that case,” her boss said, “you might be interested to know that after you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, he came into the office looking for you.

8. The art of tact:

Jim is planning to take his new lady friend on a two-week cruise around the islands of the Eastern Caribbean. However, he has one problem, he needs someone to take care of his cat and his elderly father.

After a little searching around his friends, Jim’s old High School buddy Billy Bob volunteers to act as caretaker.

So, Jim and his lady friend go off on their cruise and for a few days’ life is good.

Then, suddenly, Jim receives an email from Billy Bob on his smartphone.

The message simply reads, “Jim, your cat was hit by a car and it’s dead. Regards, Billy Bob.

Well, Jim thinks that’s a brutal way of letting him know about the fate of his beloved pet, so he phones Billy Bob immediately to tell him so.

Listen, buddy,” says Jim. “You could have been a bit more sensitive and tactful in the way you let me know about my cat.”

Well, Billy Bob doesn’t quite understand. “What do you mean, buddy?”

Well,” Jim responds, “it would have been better if you’d adopted a three-email strategy.”

What in hell is a three-email strategy?” asks Billy Bob.

Look, it’s easy,” says Jim. “In the first email, you start off by saying, I just wanted to let you know your cat’s been climbing trees.”

Right, and then what?” asks Billy Bob.

Well, the next day you send a second message, saying your cat’s fallen out of a tree and hurt its paw,” says Jim.

And, then what?” asks Billy Bob.

Well, finally,” Jim continues, “the following day, you send a third message saying, after falling out of a tree and hurting its paw, the cat was hit by a car and sadly it’s dead. With this strategy, at least I get a chance to slowly come to terms with my loss.”

Gotcha,” says Billy Bob, “I’ll remember that next time.”

A few more days go by and Jim’s enjoying his vacation when suddenly he receives another email which reads, “Jim, I just wanted to let you know your father’s been climbing trees. Regards, Billy Bob.”

9. Very early Christmas joke:

Three buddies had been having more than a few drinks in a series of Manhattan bars on Christmas Eve.

They’re staggering along Broadway trying to cross the street when they’re all hit by a truck and killed.

In the blink of an eye, they find themselves standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Gentlemen,” says St Peter, “to get into Heaven at this time of year, you must have something on you that represents Christmas.”

The first guy, Jim, flicks his cigarette lighter and says to St Peter, “The flame represents the light that Christmas brings to our lives.

Very good,” says St Peter. “James, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

The second guy, Stan, jingles his car keys and then says, “They represent the jingle of Santa’s sleigh bells.

Very good,” says St Peter. “Stanley, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

St Peter then looks at the last guy, Mick, who is staggering all over the place and rummaging around in his pockets.

Eventually, Mick pulls out some items of ladies’ underwear from his jacket pocket and holds them up for St Peter to see,

With a puzzled look on his face, St Peter asks, “Michael, how do these items represent Christmas?

Oh, they’re Carol’s,” said Mick, with a sheepish grin.

Please share these funny jokes to tell:

quotes about changeSo dear reader, were any of the funny jokes to tell actually amusing? Did any of them make you smile?

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People really do enjoy funny jokes, so please share this post now.

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