5 story jokes that are actually funny

02/26/2026 by

If you’re looking for some jokes that are actually funny, then take a look at these five little gems I have on offer for you today.

They all made me laugh, and I’m confident that they’ll raise a smile with you too.

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them.

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Jokes that are actually funny:

1. Resourceful assistant:

Maude had recently been widowed, and she visited the mortuary to pay her respects to her late husband, Bert’s body.

The mortuary assistant leads her into the Chapel of Rest, where the late Bert’s body is lying-in-state.

On seeing Bert, Maude cannot stop herself from sobbing, with tears pouring down her face.

The mortuary assistant attempts to comfort her, putting his arm around her and saying, “Mam, I’m so sorry for your loss, but at least he’s at peace now.”

Maude struggles to regain her composure.

After a few moments, she says, “It’s not losing him that’s upset me; I just can’t bear seeing him wearing a suit.”

The mortuary assistant apologises before saying, “When men pass away, we always bury them in a suit.”

“But Bert was a clown, and he spent his life making others laugh,” said Maude. “His dying wish was to be buried in a clown costume.”

“Oh, I see,” said the mortuary assistant. “Well, let me see what I can arrange for you. Leave it with me.”

On the morning of the funeral, Maude returns to the mortuary to spend a few precious seconds with Bert and to say goodbye.

The mortuary assistant opens the casket for her, and as he does so, Maude smiles when she sees that Bert is now dressed in the costume he loved.

“Oh, thank you,” said Maude. “But where did you find a clown costume at such short notice?“

“It was serendipity really,” said the mortuary assistant, with a smile. “Just the day before yesterday, another clown died following a tragic accident while he was performing at the circus.”

“Really?” said Maude.

“Yes,” said the mortuary assistant. “And, as luck would have it, his family wanted him to be buried in a suit.”

“I don’t quite follow,” said Maude, a little confused.

“Well, it was simple,” said the mortuary assistant. “All I had to do was swap their heads around.“

2. Alligator fight:

Jeff had made his fortune as a hedge fund manager on Wall Street, but he’d had enough of the pressure, so he decided it was time to retire to Florida for the sunshine and a more relaxed lifestyle.

He bought himself a fabulous villa in the Everglades, and naturally, he was now keen to get to know his neighbours,

So, he decides to throw a big poolside party at his villa, and he invites everyone in the street, including a local politician named Joe Garcia.

Well, the party is going well, and everyone’s having a great time. The food’s good, the wine’s the best, and the music has everyone dancing.

As everything’s in full swing, Jeff suddenly shouts, “Now listen up, everyone. There’s a 12-foot alligator in the pool, and I’ll buy a brand-new Porsche Cayenne for anyone who’ll join him for a swim.“

Barely had Jeff offered this challenge when he heard the sound of a loud splash.

He looks towards the pool, and there’s a local politician, Joe Garcia, in the water, fighting madly with the alligator.

It’s a mean fight with wrestling, punches, biting, and choke holds. Water is splashing everywhere, and Joe Garcia and the alligator are raising hell.

Finally, after what seemed like an age, Joe Garcia strangles the alligator and leaves it floating on the surface of the pool.

He then staggers wearily out of the pool as everyone stares at him in disbelief.

“Well, Joe,” says Jeff, “I owe you a Porsche Cayenne.”

“No, that won’t be necessary; I don’t want it,” said Joe.

“Oh, come on,” said Jeff. “I have to give you something; you won the bet.“

“No thanks, I have a nice car, and I don’t need another one,” Joe insisted.

“Come on, you were amazing,” said Jeff. “How about I give you a Rolex watch?“

Once again, Joe Garcia says, “No thanks.”

Confused, Jeff asks, “Well then, what do you want?“

Joe looked around suspiciously at his fellow revellers and then said, “I want to get even with the son-of-a-bitch who pushed me in!“

3. Hard truth:

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian were in an art gallery viewing a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve and calm,” said the Englishman. “That suggests they were English.”

“Nonsense,” said the Frenchman. “They are naked and beautiful. That suggests they must have been French.”

The Russian reflected on what he’d just heard momentarily, and then he shook his head. “No,” he said. “They have no clothes, no shelter, and only an apple to eat, and they’re being told they’re in paradise. They were definitely Russian.”

4. Ageing problems:

Old Albert is visiting his doctor because he’s been having trouble with his hearing.

“Doc,” says Albert, “I’ve been having problems with my hearing.”

“Right!” says the doctor. “Let me take a closer look.”

With that, the doctor picks up an otoscope and begins inspecting Albert’s ear.

After a few moments of inspection, the doctor says, “It looks like there’s some sort of object stuck in your ear.“

The doctor grabs a pair of tweezers and proceeds to remove the object carefully.

As he pulls it out, the doctor looks at it closely and then exclaims, “It looks like a suppository!“

Old Albert looks closely at the suppository, and then he looks at the doctor and says, “Doc, can I use your phone?”

“Of course,” the doctor replied.

“I need to tell my wife that I now know where I put my hearing aid,” Albert continued.

5. Amish ways:

An elderly Amish woman was driving her buggy to a nearby town when a police officer stops her on the road.

“Mam, I’m sorry to stop you,” said the police officer, “but I noticed that your rear reflector is broken, and this could be dangerous.”

“Officer, I thank thee,” the Amish woman replied. “As soon as I get home, I’ll have my husband fix it.“

“Well, that’s fine,” said the police officer, “but I also noticed that one of the reins is wrapped around your horse’s testicles. That’s not going to be very comfortable for the horse. So, please have your husband check that too.”

“Officer, again, I must thank thee,” said the woman. “I’ll mention it to him as soon as I get home.“

True to her word, as soon as the Amish woman got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector on the buggy.

“I’ll attend to it immediately,” he responded.

“Good,” she replied. “And while you’re at it, the police officer seemed to think there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”

Phil Sutton

Please share the fun:

So, were any of these jokes genuinely funny for you? I hope so, dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

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50 corny dad jokes that are all full groan

02/26/2026 by
50 CORNY DAD JOKES

Do you enjoy corny dad jokes, dear reader? Those that make you groan but also have a way of making us smile too.

Well, today I’ve got 50 dad jokes, which I hope you’ll enjoy.

I’m confident that there’s enough here to raise a smile or two.

So, enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them with your friends.

CORNY DAD JOKES
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Corny Dad Jokes (1-10):

  1. I can’t stop binge-watching fishing shows. I’m just hooked on reel life.
  2. Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants is a wife who told him which pants to wear.
  3. I heard a story this morning about a chameleon that couldn’t change colour. Apparently, it had reptile dysfunction.
  4. Why do people use a big word when a diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the task admirably?
  5. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. Apparently, he acquired his size from too much pi.
  6. BREAKING NEWS: A nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using her mother’s moisturizer which makes you look 10 years younger.
  7. At the boss’s funeral, a disgruntled employee walked up close to the casket and whispered, “So, who’s thinking outside the box now, Mr Whitaker?”
  8. In Jamaica, a steak pie will cost you around $4. In Trinidad and Barbados, similar pies will cost you around $3. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
  9. I was shocked when my son started chewing electrical cables, so I grounded him. That seems to have worked because currently, he’s conducting himself properly.
  10. In a Catholic convent school, children were lining up in the cafeteria for lunch. There was a large pile of apples at the head of the table. A note above the pile read, “Take only ONE! God is watching you.” At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies on a tray. Above this pile, some joker had placed his owned handwritten note, which read, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Corny Dad Jokes (11-20):

  1. I’ve just seen a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit. It was a Lamb Bikini.
  2. I had a job working as an elevator operator but I quit. There were just too many ups and downs.
  3. My ambition was to be a Hollywood lighting director but it turns out that I wasn’t bright enough.
  4. I’ve just had my pet frog’s DNA tested. The result suggests he’s part English, part German and a tad Pole.
  5. I tried growing blueberries and raspberries in the snow but it proved to be a completely fruitless endeavour.
  6. My boss asked me why I only ever get sick on workdays. I explained to him that I had a weekend immune system.
  7. How do you tell the gender of an ant? Simple! Drop it in water and if it sinks, then it’s girl ant. And if it floats, it’s boy ant.
  8. I’ve just heard that in Memphis there’s a new line of Elvis-themed steakhouses. Apparently, they’re aimed at people who love meat tender.
  9. My dad told me that I must work until my bank balance looks like a phone number. Well, this morning I finally got there. My current balance is $911.
  10. A wife was so mad with her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out. “I hope your life is miserable and I hope you die a long, slow, painful death,” she said. “Make up your mind,” he responded. “Should I stay or should I go?”

Corny Dad Jokes (21-30):

  1. I had a date last night and I really enjoy it. Tonight I might try a fig.
  2. Why do the French eat snails? It’s because they don’t like fast food.
  3. If cannibals eat a missionary, will that give them a taste for religion?
  4. If a dog gives birth to puppies on the sidewalk, will it be cited for littering?
  5. You may know where the Big Apple is but do you know where Minneapolis?
  6. I’ve been playing silent tennis. It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.
  7. When I arrived at the gates of the Drug Rehab Centre there was a sign that read, “Keep off the Grass.”
  8. The World Tongue Twister champion has been arrested. I’m sure he’ll be getting a very tough sentence.
  9. I hear that engineers have just made a car that runs on parsley. If only they could make a bus that runs on thyme.
  10. A young police officer named Philip was so good at his job that within a year or two he was voted Police Officer of the year. Naturally, he was thrilled that all his hard work had been recognized. However, very quickly he noticed that his colleagues, his family, his friends and even the preacher at his local church started asking him questions about life, relationships and so on. He started to feel a little awkward about this, given that he’d not had any special training that qualifies him to answer such questions. So he shared his concern with his wife, who smiled at him and said, “Honey, everyone in town knows you’re an award-winning Phil officer.

Corny Dad Jokes (31-40):

  1. Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He couldn’t resistor.
  2. I wish I could stop telling airport jokes but my doctor says it’s terminal.
  3. Did you hear the joke about margarine? On second thoughts, I’d butter not tell it.
  4. I told my wife I want to be cremated and she’s made an appointment for me next Friday.
  5. My wife told me I was getting fat. “Look, dear,” I said. “I can’t help it. I’ve had a lot on my plate lately.”
  6. We took our kids to the zoo last week. We’re going back at the weekend to see how well they’ve settled in.
  7. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. I’m not sure what they saw in each other. Their kids weren’t much to look at either.
  8. When I see the names of young lovers carved in a tree, I’m always puzzled as to why anyone feels the need to take a knife on a date.
  9. A customer walks into a jewellery store and says, “I want to buy a watch, please.” The clerk smiles and says, “Certainly sir, analog? To which the customer replies, “No, just the watch please.”
  10. A snail walks into a Porsche dealership and buys a 911 Turbo. After finalizing all the options the snail says, “And I want a big letter S on the hood and one on each of the doors too, please.” The salesman looked at him, slightly puzzled and asked, “Why, when your name’s Bill?” The snail smiles in response and then says, “Because when I open her up on the freeway, I want everyone to say, Boy, look at that S-car go!”

Corny Dad Jokes (41-45):

  1. Is there a more terrifying moment than when you’re a guest in someone’s house and the toilet refuses to flush after your morning Number 2?
  2. The teacher asked her class to use the word symmetry in a sentence. First up was little Johnny and his response was, “When you die you’re buried in a symmetry.”
  3. I went into KFC with my young son and I asked the lady for a kid’s meal with a leg. “Which side?” she asked. Thinking momentarily, I then said, “Does it make any difference whether it’s the right or the left?” When she stopped laughing, she said, “No honey, which side would you like to go with the leg? Mashed potato or wedges?”
  4. Now I’ve been in many places over the years, but I’ve never been in cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I must admit, I’ve never been incognito either. It seems no one recognizes you there. However, I have been insane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips, so far.
  5. A court jester was forever making terrible puns which the king found increasingly irritating. He’d expressed his displeasure to the jester on a number of occasions but the terrible puns just kept on coming, so the king sentenced him to be hanged. On the evening of the day before the planned hanging, the King visited the jester in his cell and said that, if the jester promised to change his ways, he would be pardoned. “Oh thank you, your majesty,” said the jester. “No noose is good noose!” The jester was hung at sunrise.

Corny Dad Jokes (46-50):

  1. The principal from my son’s school phoned and said that he’s always being a nuisance in class. “He’s always being a nuisance at home too,” I responded. “But do I ever call you?”
  2. I asked my wife to help me put up some posts in the ground for our new fence. As I was holding a post in place, I gave her a sledgehammer and said, “When I nod my head, hit it.” After that, I don’t remember much.
  3. Whilst out walking my dog, I met a man in the park. During our conversation, he told me about his four new rescue chickens. He really made me smile when he told me he’d called them Hen Solo, Jabba the Cluck, Obi-Hen Kenobi and Princess layer.
  4. A piece of rope walked into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind!” The rope went outside, tied itself into a knot and then started fraying the edges. The rope then went back into the bar only for the bartender to say, “Weren’t you in here earlier?” The rope replied, “No! I’m a frayed knot.”
  5. Jane had been visiting her husband in jail. Before leaving she spoke with one of the correction officers and complained about how hard he was being worked. “He’s exhausted,” she said. The officer smiled and said, “Mam, you’ve got to be joking. He just eats, sleeps and stays in his cell all day.” Jane thinks momentarily and then says, “Well that can’t be right. He’s just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months.”
Phil Sutton

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If any of these corny dad jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

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5 brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day

02/26/2026 by
Hilarious Joke of the Day

If you’re looking for some brilliant contenders for ‘hilarious joke of the day,’ then I’ve got five little gems for you here today. I’m confident they’ll all make you smile.

So enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them with your friends.

HILARIOUS JOKE OF THE DAY
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Hilarious joke of the day:

1. The Pull-Over:

Jim Murphy is a Texas state trooper patrolling the highway, and he pulls over a car for speeding on Interstate 35, about 15 miles north of Austin.

Officer Murphy approaches the car and asks the driver why he was speeding.

The driver gets out of his car, and he’s very apologetic. 

“I’m sorry, officer,” says the driver, “but I’m a magician and juggler, and I’m late for a show in Temple. If I don’t make it on time, I won’t get paid.”

“Sir, this might be your lucky day,” says Officer Murphy, “because I love to watch juggling. So, if you can demonstrate some impressive juggling skills, then I won’t give you a ticket.”

“Oh, officer,” says the driver, “I can’t do that because my equipment has been sent on ahead and I don’t have anything to juggle.”

“Well,” says Officer Murphy, “I have some flares in the trunk of my car; could you juggle them?”

“Sure!” says the driver.

So Officer Murphy gets five flares from the trunk, lights them all, and hands them to the driver.

The driver then starts to juggle the flares with considerable skill.

While doing so, another car pulls in behind the State trooper’s car. 

A drunken good old boy from Georgetown staggers out of this car, watches the juggling momentarily, and then staggers over to Officer Murphy’s car, opens the rear door, and climbs in. 

Officer Murphy watches him briefly and then goes over to his car and asks this guy what he thinks he’s doing.

“You might as well haul my butt off to the jail officer,” says the drunk. “There’s no way I can pass that test right now.”

2. Grumpy old man:

Dick and Doris are on a road trip on Interstate 5 from Sacramento to Albany, California.

They stop at a roadside diner for lunch.

After finishing their lunch, they leave the diner and continue on their journey to Albany. 

As they leave the diner, Doris forgetfully leaves her spectacles on the table. 

They’re driving along for about 45 minutes before Doris suddenly realises that she’s left her spectacles behind.

“Dick!” Doris exclaims, “I left my spectacles on the table in the diner. I can’t be without them. We’ll have to go back.”

Dick is really not happy about this, particularly as it’s another 20 minutes before they reach a junction where they can turn around and head back to the diner.

“Doris,” said Dick, “I can never rely on you to get anything right, can I? We’ve added two hours to our journey just because you couldn’t remember your spectacles.”

For the entire journey back to the diner, Dick bitched and moaned in stereotypical grumpy old man fashion, blaming poor Doris for everything that was wrong in the world.

The more Dick chided her, the angrier he got, and he didn’t let up for a single minute until eventually they reached the diner.

As Doris got out of the car, she said, “I’ll be very quick, Dick; just bear with me for one minute.”

Responding grumpily, Dick said, “Well, while you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card I left behind.”

3. The Pope visits Liverpool:

The Pope’s on a visit to Liverpool and he’s handing out miracles to kids in a poor neighbourhood.

A young teenager named Jack walks up to him and says, “Holy Father, could you help me with my hearing?”

The Pope says, “Yes, of course, my son.” He then puts his hands on Jack’s ears and starts praying.

After a few moments, the Pope removes his hands from Jack’s ears and says, “How’s your hearing now, my son?”

“I don’t know, Holy Father,” says Jack. “I’m not up in court until Thursday.”

4. The elevator ride:

An old lady gets into an elevator on the ground floor of the Empire State Building in Manhattan.

On the very next floor, a young, well-dressed, and beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling of very expensive perfume.

The young woman smiles at the old lady and notices she’s sniffing at the fragrance in the air. So the young woman says, a little arrogantly, “Do you like it? It’s Dolce & Gabbana Dolce Eau de Parfum Spray, and it’s $122.00 a bottle.”

The old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

A couple of floors further up, the elevator stops again, and in comes another beautiful young woman, once again smelling of expensive perfume.

As the old lady is once again sniffing at the fragrance in the air, this young woman smiles and says, “Do you like it? It’s Atelier Bloem Nieuw Amsterdam Eau de Parfum, and it’s $195.00 a bottle.”

Once again, the old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

Ten floors further up, the old lady is about to reach her destination when she can’t stop herself from dropping an ass blast loudly, and there’s the most terrible smell.

As she’s leaving the elevator and noticing the look on their faces, the old lady smiles at her two fellow passengers and says, “Do you like it? Broccoli. 48 cents a pound.”

5. The cab driver and the nun:

A cab driver picks up a nun on Central Park West.

The cab driver can’t help staring at his passenger.

“Why are you staring at me?” asked the nun.

“Well, Sister,” says the cab driver, “I’ve always had this fantasy to kiss a nun.”

The nun smiles at him and says, ”I can only kiss you if you’re single and Catholic.”

“That’s lucky,” says the cab driver. “I’m both!”

So they agree to pull over into an alley, and the nun proceeds to kiss the driver in a way that would make a lady of the night blush.

As they continue on their journey, the cab driver starts feeling guilty.

“Sister,” says the cab driver, “I have a confession to make.”

“And what would that be?” asks the nun.

“I lied to you,” says the cab driver. “I’m married, and I’m Jewish.”

“That’s OK,” says the nun. “My name’s Keith, and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

Phil Sutton

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, would any of these contenders be your hilarious joke of the day? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs?

If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post, then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share funny jokes, everyone’s a winner.

Your support is truly appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

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How to become a digital nomad: 10 steps to freeing your soul

02/26/2026 by

The monotonous cubicle, the soul-crushing commute, the constant ping of emails, and the endless, pointless meetings. For many, these are the things that define the modern workday. However, what if you could break free from these shackles and trade your office chair for a hammock in Bali, a café table in Dubai, or a mountain vista in Colorado? Certainly, a laptop lifestyle is possible, and many have liberated themselves from geographical constraints and found the freedom to forge a work-life blend as unique as their passions. The question is, how to become a digital nomad?

How do you, a mere dreamer chained to the nine-to-five, make this digital nomad dream a reality? Well, here is a roadmap.

Summary:

This guide offers you a 10-step plan to get you from where you are to where you’d like to be.

These steps are summarised as follows:

  1. Charting Your Course: Finding Your Digital Compass
  2. Gearing Up for the Journey: Essential Tools and Skills
  3. Choosing Your Path: Remote Retainer, Freelance Freedom, or Entrepreneurial Leap?
  4. Building Your Digital Haven: Crafting Your Online Presence
  5. Launching Your Voyage: Taking the First Tentative Steps
  6. Embracing the Nomad Life: Challenges and Triumphs on the Open Road
  7. Finding Your Rhythm: Work-Life Harmony in the Digital Age
  8. Adapting and Evolving: A Journey, not a Destination
  9. Giving Back and Connecting: Leaving Footprints, Not Just Carbon
  10. The Ever-Unfolding Chapter: The Digital Nomad Odyssey Never Ends

Following the 10-step plan, there is a list of suggested essential tools you’ll need to work effectively. Yes, every trade needs a set of tools, and being a digital nomad is no different.

HOW TO BECOME A DIGITAL NOMAD
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How to become a digital nomad:

Step 1: Charting Your Course: Finding Your Digital Compass

Before you begin, you must recognize that, as a digital nomad, you will be self-employed and you will be creating a business. And any business must offer its customers a value proposition.

You can only generate an income if you have something to offer that adds value to other people in some way.

Perhaps you can write in an engaging and entertaining style. Maybe you can offer people solutions to their problems. Alternatively, you may be born to sell. Such skills are pure gold for the digital nomad.

To get going on your journey, you will need to consider what you have to offer and how it might be used to generate income via a laptop and the internet.

So, a period of reflection is key here.

What does it mean to you to be a digital nomad? In escaping the corporate treadmill, what is it you want to do, and how much income will you need to do it?

Essentially, you will need to define your vision with clarity, for it will guide every subsequent choice you make.

Create an inventory of your skills and passions. Are you a coding alchemist, a content-weaving wordsmith, a social media maestro, or a virtual assistant extraordinaire? What is it that you can do better than most people?

The time taken to identify your strengths, your skills, and what you want to achieve is crucial. These things will form the bedrock of your income-generating engine. Never underestimate your need for income. You won’t get far without it.

Step 2: Gearing Up for the Journey: Essential Tools and Skills

Every artisan needs a tool set, and the digital nomad is no different.

And every business will need assets from which to generate income.

As a digital nomad, your tools and assets will be things like a good-quality laptop, an internet connection, a VPN subscription, and reliable cloud storage.

You will need to master online communication tools like Zoom and Slack if you’re going to have a virtual office.

And don’t forget, you’ll need to hone your time management skills, for you’ll be your CEO and, potentially, you’ll be juggling deadlines and managing distractions in exotic locations.

Furthermore, given that you’ll be starting a business, you’ll need to learn basic bookkeeping and financial planning. Living on the road demands fiscal prudence.

The message here is that you will be starting a business, and business requires investment. You can keep investment to a minimum if your budget is limited, but you will need to spend some money on tools and assets that will allow you to work effectively and efficiently. A full list of essentials is included at the end of this article.

Step 3: Choosing Your Path: Remote Retainer, Freelance Freedom, or Entrepreneurial Leap?

There are three main routes to digital freedom.

  1. Embracing the remote work revolution: You can seek a location-independent position at a company that values talent over spreadsheets.
  2. Freelancing: Taking on specific tasks for companies or entrepreneurs as a freelancer offers the benefit of setting your rates and working on projects you find interesting. However, this does require some hustling and marketing prowess.
  3. Digital entrepreneur: This path would involve building your own online business, be it an e-commerce store, YouTube channel, consulting practice, creative brand, or building affiliate marketing websites.

Each path has its pros and cons; choosing wisely based on your risk tolerance, skillset, and income goals is important here.

Step 4: Building Your Digital Haven: Crafting Your Online Presence

Every successful business has a solid reputation and brand.

In the virtual marketplace, your brand is your currency. So, you will need an online and social media presence.

You will need to build a professional-looking website and create a social media portfolio to showcase your skills and experience.

You can’t be a solution to anyone’s problems if they don’t know you exist. Marketing is all about raising your profile and capturing people’s attention and buying intent.

So, you will need to cultivate a strong online presence through social media engagement and content creation.

But that’s not all. You will need to put yourself about a bit too. That means networking with fellow digital nomads and potential clients through online communities and forums.

Remember, your online persona is the first impression others may have of you, so you must make it memorable and authentic.

Step 5: Launching Your Voyage: Taking the First Tentative Steps

Remember this: everyone who ever mastered anything started as a complete beginner.

To become a successful digital entrepreneur, there is much you will need to learn. You won’t master it all in five minutes. There will be a learning curve and you must accept that it will take time.

However, don’t wait for a perfect alignment of the stars. The way to learn is to just get going, and you’ll absorb what you need to know as you go along.

It’s perfectly reasonable to start small. You don’t even need to give up your day job at the beginning of your journey.

Test the waters with freelance gigs or remote work opportunities while keeping your current job.

This will provide you with a financial safety net, and it will allow you to refine your skills and workflow and start generating some initial income from the business.

When you start gaining some traction in terms of income and confidence, then you can take the leap of faith.

Once your business is going smoothly, then you can quit your job, sell your belongings (or rent them out for passive income), and book that one-way ticket to your dream destination.

 Step 6: Embracing the Nomad Life: Challenges and Triumphs on the Open Road

There’s no such thing as the perfect job. Every job comes with a certain amount of hassle and chores we wish we could avoid.

And the nomadic digital life can be a bit of a culture shock. It can also be lonely and frustrating when unreliable internet speeds test your patience.

However, finding reliable co-working spaces and building a local community can combat isolation.

And if you spend much of your time in a country other than the one in which you live permanently, then mastering basic, local language skills is a good way to foster deeper connections and enrich your experience.

Remember, resilience, flexibility, and not taking yourself too seriously are your essential travel companions.

Another thing to bear in mind is that you don’t have to do everything yourself.

You can delegate specific tasks to virtual assistants to free up your time to do those things that only you can do to maximise the value proposition for your business.

And virtual assistants can be based anywhere and paid per job they do for you.

Outsourcing certain tasks can be a great way to scale up your business. ProBlogger, Fiverr and Upwork are good places to find freelancers to do specific things for you, particularly content creation, writing and image design. However, if you’re looking for a good virtual assistant at a price you can afford, then you should try onlinejobs.ph.

Step 7: Finding Your Rhythm: Work-Life Harmony in the Digital Age

When you work alone, it’s easy to lose your focus. And, if you want your business to be successful, focus matters.

So, you must be very disciplined, and boundaries are crucial.

You must set clear working hours and stick to them religiously. Yes, you can be flexible with yourself occasionally, but generally, you must stick to the working hours you set.

Designate no-screen zones to give your eyes a break and avoid digital burnout.

If you’re working in exotic locations, explore your surroundings, immerse yourself in local cultures, and prioritize experiences over endless work cycles.

Remember, the laptop lifestyle is about freedom, not just from location but also from the tyranny of the clock. The world may be your office, but it’s also your playground. So, allocate a little me time so you can enjoy it.

Step 8: Adapting and Evolving: A Journey, not a Destination

Business is about solving people’s problems to make a profit. However, people’s problems are changing constantly, and you must change and adapt to keep yourself relevant.

There’s no work for gas lamp lighters anymore, nor is there any need for a slide rule manufacturer. Things change, and you must too.

Being a digital entrepreneur is a continuous learning curve.

So, be prepared to refine your skills, adjust your business model, and experiment with new income streams.

The real art is to create multiple income streams so that even if one suddenly dries up, you still have an income overall.

Remember, life is a constant stream of opportunities just waiting to be exploited by the enterprising and fleet-footed.

Technology evolves, trends shift, and unexpected opportunities arise. Embrace change, for it keeps your journey dynamic and your mind nimble.

The digital life is not a sprint to a finish line but a marathon of self-discovery and personal growth.

Be open to embracing new cultures, skills, and even career paths. Your laptop lifestyle can morph and evolve. Just because you start as a writer in Thailand doesn’t mean you cannot move on to become a yoga teacher in Costa Rica one day. It’s about fulfilling a need and going where there’s most demand for those who can fulfil the need.

You’re not a tree, so you can always go to where the best opportunities appear to be.

Remember, flexibility is your greatest asset, so use it to navigate your unique path.

Step 9: Giving Back and Connecting: Leaving Footprints, Not Just Carbon

Life is not just about what you get. Much more important is what you give. It is a fact that those who give generously are usually rewarded for their benevolence.

Being a digital entrepreneur isn’t just about personal liberation; it’s an opportunity to contribute to the communities you encounter.

For instance, volunteering your skills with local NGOs or social enterprises adds purpose and depth to your travels. It’s also a great way to build a network of useful business contacts.

There are plenty of ways to add value. Teaching English, or any language, assisting with environmental projects, or sharing your creative expertise can leave a lasting positive impact.

Remember, you’re not just a visitor; you’re a temporary citizen of the world, and responsible tourism is key.

Beyond volunteering, actively engage with local communities.

If you can learn and use a few words of the local language and some basic phrases, you’ll be amazed at how much people will appreciate you making the effort, even if you make a few mistakes along the way.

Embrace local customs and enjoy the unique cultural experiences your destinations offer.

And don’t forget to strike up conversations with people you meet. It will enhance the experience immensely.

Step 10: The Ever-Unfolding Chapter: The Digital Nomad Odyssey Never Ends

To become a digital entrepreneur is to set out on a journey that never ends.

The beauty of a laptop life lies in its inherent flexibility.

It’s not a one-size-fits-all proposition, but a canvas for crafting a life that truly resonates with your soul.

As you navigate this digital odyssey, remember, that there’s no fixed endpoint.

You may choose to settle down in your dream location, build a remote team, or continue your nomadic journey indefinitely.

The world is your oyster, and the laptop is your pearl. You can embrace the constant evolution, the unexpected detours, and the endless possibilities that lie ahead of you. It’s just like candy on a shelf, you can reach up and help yourself.

Bonus Tips:

  • Embrace slow travel: Resist the urge to tick countries off a bucket list. Immerse yourself in one place for a longer period to truly connect with its culture and people.
  • Invest in travel insurance: Be prepared for unexpected medical emergencies or travel disruptions.
  • Stay healthy: Maintain a healthy routine of exercise, healthy eating, and adequate sleep. Your body is your travel companion, take care of it!
  • Disconnect to reconnect: Schedule regular digital detox periods to recharge your mind and soul. Remember, there is a wonderful world outside your screen.

The Digital Nomad’s Essentials:

Here’s a basic set of essentials for budding digital nomads:

Tech essentials:

  • Reliable laptop: Your workhorse – prioritize portability, performance, and battery life.
  • Smartphone: Stay connected and explore with a good phone plan and local SIM cards.
  • Power bank: Charge your devices on the go, especially in places with unreliable electricity.
  • Universal adapter: Plug into different power outlets globally.
  • Noise-cancelling headphones: Focus on work and block out noise in bustling environments.
  • Cloud storage: Securely store your files and access them from anywhere.
  • VPN: Security matters and it offers a route to streaming services that may not be available where you are.

Productivity tools:

  • Project management software: Trello, Asana, or Todoist can help you stay organized and manage tasks.
  • Time management apps: FocusKeeper or PomoDone can help you stay focused and productive.
  • Communication tools: Zoom, Slack, and Skype are crucial for staying connected with clients and colleagues.

Travel essentials:

  • Comfortable backpack: Carry your everyday essentials and laptop safely and comfortably.
  • Packing cubes: Organize your luggage efficiently and keep things tidy.
  • Travel insurance: Protect yourself from unexpected medical emergencies or travel disruptions.
  • First-aid kit: Be prepared for minor injuries and ailments.

Optional, but helpful:

  • Portable router: Create your own Wi-Fi hotspot if public networks are unreliable.
  • Offline language apps: Learn basic phrases and communicate in new languages even without the internet.
  • Travel accessories: Eye mask, earplugs, neck pillow, water bottle – for enhanced comfort on the road.

Remember: Customize this list based on your specific needs and travel style.

Some digital nomads might prefer tablets over laptops, while others might require specialized software for their work. Invest in quality gear that will last longer and avoid unnecessary frustration.

Bonus tip: Join online communities and forums for digital nomads! They’re a great source of information, support, and inspiration.

Conclusion:

The laptop lifestyle is a thrilling adventure there for the taking. So, step into the unknown, embrace the uncertainty, and write your unique chapter in the ever-evolving story of the digital nomad.

The world is yours to explore, one click at a time. However, remember this, it’s not about escaping the world, but about creating a life you truly love within it.

So, spread your wings, fire up your laptop, and chart your path to boundless freedom and endless possibilities.

Phil Sutton

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30 corny one-liners you might just enjoy

02/26/2026 by
30 Corny One-Liners

Looking for some corny one-liners, dear reader? A few corny jokes to make you smile?

Well, I’ve got 30 of them today, just for you.

I can assure you that these are all full ‘groan’. However, I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two in the process.

So take a few minutes, perhaps grab a coffee, and enjoy them all.

And if you do enjoy them, feel free to pass them on.

corny one-liners
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Corny one-liners (1-15):

  1. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
  2. I hate German sausage. It’s the wurst.
  3. I used to be a tap dancer, but I fell in the sink.
  4. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
  5. I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic; because it’s syncing now.
  6. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  7. What did the Statue of Liberty say to the New Yorker? “You’re such a Big Apple!”
  8. Why did the bee go to the doctor? Because he had hives.
  9. What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam!
  10. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi!
  11. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
  12. I used to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it.
  13. I was looking for my missing watch, but I couldn’t find the time.
  14. What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone!
  15. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? Nothing, it just waved!

Corny one-liners (16-30):

  1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  2. What did the paper say to the pencil? Stop scribbling!
  3. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!
  4. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  5. What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!
  6. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
  7. What did the monkey say when he found a banana in his cereal? A-peeling!
  8. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well-armed!
  9. I used to be a banker but then I lost interest.
  10. Why doesn’t everyone learn sign language? It’s pretty handy.
  11. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
  12. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
  13. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
  14. Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don’t have any body to go with
  15. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw the boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.
Phil Sutton

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Warren Buffett’s Top 10 Rules for Success to Inspire You

02/26/2026 by
Warren Buffett's Top 10 Rules for Success

Today, I offer you Warren Buffett’s Top 10 Rules for Success, dear reader.

If you want success, then it would be wise to listen to people who have already achieved some success.

Identify what they did to achieve their success and copy it.

If it worked for them, then it will probably work for you.

Now, there are few people more successful in their chosen field than Warren Buffett.

He offers you his ‘Top 10 Rules for Success’ in the video embedded here, and it’s worth your time to listen to him.

They are his top tips, and I recommend them to you.

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Warren Buffett’s Top 10 Rules For Success:

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Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

Phil Sutton

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How to declutter your home and improve your wellbeing

02/26/2026 by
How to declutter your home

How to declutter your home? A common question dealing with a subject that most of us struggle to deal with effectively.

Do you have a problem with clutter, dear reader?

Would you like some tips on how to declutter your life?

Clutter is perhaps the greatest curse of modern living. You keep buying and acquiring possessions, but rarely do you have a good clear-out, right?

It’s not easy, of course. We all develop an emotional attachment to our possessions. Certainly, I do.

However, gradually, our possessions are taking over our living space and our lives, too, right? And our world keeps getting smaller, doesn’t it?

Clutter just adds stress to your life, and managing all your possessions can be a struggle.

It’s a problem, of course, but what’s the answer?

The answer is to develop the habit of ruthless decluttering.

Do this, and your life will be a lot easier. Keep your life as simple as possible, and you’ll find it a whole lot less stressful, I promise you.

Here are 8 tips for eliminating the clutter in your life:

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How to declutter your home:

1. Personal inventory management

We all have possessions, and most of us have far more than we need. So the active management of your possessions is a continuous process.

Have a regular review of your possessions and be ruthless about getting rid of those things you no longer use or don’t need anymore.

It’s hard to get rid of everything all at once, of course, so just do a little decluttering regularly and as often as you can.

2. The ‘one-year’ rule

If an item hasn’t been used for a year, then you probably don’t need it at all. And if you don’t need it, get rid of it.

Perhaps you could sell it on eBay, at a garage sale, or at a boot sale. Alternatively, give it to a charity shop. However, don’t make the desire to sell it the reason why you hold on to an item.

If you can’t get rid of it quickly, get rid of it anyway.

The point is to minimize the clutter in your life and allow someone else to make use of an item if you no longer can. 

3. Buy only what you need

It is so easy to buy anything now that all too often we buy things without giving serious thought to whether we will use them or not.

For instance, we are browsing online and we see something that looks like an amazing bargain. So out comes our flexible friend, and we purchase the item.

The item arrives a day or two later and goes into our wardrobe, a drawer, or wherever, and it’s then largely forgotten.

The instant gratification we get from making the purchase has largely subsided by the time the item arrives.

We mean to use it, of course, but all too often it never gets used. And when that happens, it is not a bargain at all; it is simply a waste of money.

So before you buy anything, ask yourself a few questions:

  • Do I need it?
  • Will I use it?
  • Can I afford it?
  • If I didn’t have it, would it matter?

Unless you can be sure it meets a genuine need, then it’s better not to buy at all. 

4. Never impulse buy

All too often, impulse buys are mistakes.

So it’s better not to browse online stores or do any window shopping in real stores.

Decide exactly what you need to buy in advance, and then only go shopping for specific items.

Stick to buying only what you have planned to buy because it meets a genuine need in your life. 

5. The one-in, one-out rule

For clothing, especially, rather than having your wardrobe bursting at the seams, each time you purchase a new clothing item, it’s a good idea to see if there’s an old one you can throw out, sell, or give to charity.

Nowadays, you don’t have to throw things away literally. If it’s not too old and still in fair condition, then you might be able to sell it on eBay or at a garage or boot sale.

Alternatively, perhaps you could give it to a charity shop.

Whatever your chosen approach to the disposal of items, you have to be ruthless to avoid holding on to clothing you’ll never wear again.

6. Don’t form an emotional bond with your possessions

If you throw out an item you no longer use, the world will not end.

You’re not tied to your possessions, and you’ll not experience physical pain should you get rid of them. Once you get rid of them, they’ll be quickly forgotten.

Individual items that you possess are simply a small and unimportant part of you. They don’t define you, and they don’t control you.

They were there only to serve a purpose, and if circumstances have changed and they no longer serve that purpose, then it’s time they no longer played any part in your life at all.

Parting with possessions is not a bereavement. You’ll get over it quicker than you might imagine. Probably within minutes. 

7. Enjoy the freedom

Unburdened by unnecessary possessions, you can enjoy a stress-free life without all that clutter weighing on your mind.

You’ll be able to find those things you need much quicker because they’ll no longer be buried beneath all that clutter. 

8. Enjoy your space clutter-free

Why live in a space dictated by clutter when you can live in a space dictated by you?

You should be the master of your own space. Never be a slave to clutter.

Get the decluttering habit, and get it now.

Phil Sutton

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33 funny sarcasm quotes guaranteed to make you smile

02/25/2026 by

Once again, I return to the theme of sarcasm and, in particular, funny sarcasm quotes. I love them as they always make me smile, dear reader.

Not only that, but I always get such a positive response from readers when I include some funny sarcasm quotes. So I hope you enjoy them too.

If nothing else, you can add some of them to your little quiver full of arrows for when you need to be well-armed against stupid and difficult people, and there are plenty of both around. I’m sure you’ll agree.

So please take a few minutes now and enjoy them all.

FUNNY SARCASM QUOTES
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Funny sarcasm quotes

  1. I love the sound when you shut up.
  2. What’s wrong with me? Do you want a list?
  3. I have three words for you. You need help!
  4. Feel free to judge me, when you’re perfect.
  5. I may not be perfect but at least I’m not you.
  6. Well, aren’t you a little ray of sarcastic sunshine?
  7. Tact is for people who lack the wit to be sarcastic.
  8. Hey, you know what you’d look good in? Concrete!
  9. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you bad advice.
  10. The only problem I have with you is you’re still breathing.
  11. Am I always angry and irritable? No, sometimes I’m asleep.
  12. I’ve already had my patience tested. The result was negative.
  13. I try to see the best in everyone but you’re not making it easy.
  14. Did you ever get the feeling that you’ve seized the wrong day?
  15. I don’t hate you. I’m just not that excited about your existence.
  16. If I was a bird this morning, you’d be the first person I’d crap on.
  17. May your earholes turn into assholes and shit on your shoulders.
  18. If you don’t like sarcasm, would profanity work better with you?
  19. That girl could reduce a man to tears with one lash of her tongue.
  20. Being dead is like being stupid it’s only a problem for other people.
  21. You should be aware that my sense of humour may hurt your feelings.
  22. Your ass must be jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth.
  23. My text messages would make more sense if there was a sarcasm font.
  24. I hope you appreciate the effort I’ve put into not punching you in the face.
  25. Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t realize you were an expert on how I should live my life.
  26. I’d tell you to go to Hell but I work there and I wouldn’t want to see you every day.
  27. Ignorance can be educated and crazy can be medicated but there’s no cure for stupid.
  28. I thought rock bottom would be as far down as I’d go. I didn’t realize it had a basement.
  29. When I look at you I can’t help but think, “Why hasn’t someone hit you with a shovel yet?”
  30. Do I dislike you? Well, let me put it this way I’d willingly buy you a toaster for your bathtub.
  31. Let’s hope you experience a sudden case of explosive diarrhoea whilst you’re stuck in traffic.
  32. You’d be unwise to give me your attitude unless you want to be on the receiving end of mine.
  33. May the fleas from a thousand camels infest your ass and may your arms be too short to scratch.
Phil Sutton

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35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

02/25/2026 by
35 witty quotes from funny people

I love witty quotes from the funniest people, and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today, I thought I’d share some of them with you, dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people, and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

witty quotes from funny people
funny stories to tell
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Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  6. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming, but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower, which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache, and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought, ‘This could be interesting.’ ~Paddy Lennox

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You do? I hope so anyway.

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9 short jokes anyone can remember

02/25/2026 by
short jokes anyone can remember

Looking for some short jokes anyone can remember, dear reader? Well, I’ve got 9 little gems here for you today. Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

9 Short Jokes
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Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember

1. Eye-catching:

A guy walks into a hotel restaurant, and, as he’s being seated, he notices a very attractive woman at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and, to his surprise, a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.

It’s flying past the guy, but he catches it and politely hands it back to the lady.

“Oh, my goodness,” says the lady. “This is so embarrassing.”

As she’s popping her eye back in place, she gradually regains her composure, and then she says, “I’m so sorry to have disturbed you, but I really appreciate your help. Why don’t you join me, and I’ll buy you dinner to make it up to you?”

The guy nods in agreement, and he joins her at her table.

Despite her glass eye, the woman is stunningly attractive and a great conversationalist. The guy is having a wonderful evening, and, as they chat, it’s obvious they have a lot in common.

Naturally, he gets her phone number and then says, “Mam, I have to say, you’re the most charming woman I’ve ever met. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No, not really,” the woman replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

2. Vacuum cleaner salesman:

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.

He scattered a load of dog muck all over my carpet and then said, “Show me where I can plug in, and if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck up every last dog dropping right now, then I’ll eat the rest.”

I smiled and said, “Well, I hope you’re hungry because my electricity supply has just been cut off.”

3. Marital problems:

A guy’s sitting at the counter in a Manhattan bar, looking miserable and staring into his beer.

“Are you alright, buddy?” asks the bartender. “What’s the problem?”

The guy looks up from his drink and says, “Oh, my wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t be speaking to me for a month.”

In an attempt to be encouraging, the bartender says, “Hey, come on now, buddy, think positive. At least you’ll get some peace for a while.”

“Yeah, I know,” the guy responds, “but today’s the last day.”

4. The taxi ride:

Three buddies staggered out of a bar late one night, all well and truly wasted. However, they did manage to hail a taxi, and in they all climbed.

The taxi driver could see that they were all absolutely hammered and decided it was a situation he could use to his advantage. So he started the engine, waited a few minutes without moving, and then turned it off again.

“Right, fellas, we’ve reached our destination,” said the taxi driver. “That’ll be $30.”

The first guy gave him the money.

The second guy said, “Thank you, driver.”

But the third guy slapped the driver across the face.

The taxi driver was shocked and thought perhaps the third guy knew what had happened. Nevertheless, he said, “What the hell was that for, buddy?”

“You were driving like a maniac, and you could have killed us,” the third guy responded. “Control your speed next time.”

5. Wise woman:

Rick said to his wife, Liz, one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time.”

“Well, dear husband of mine, allow me to explain,” said Liz. “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. And then God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!”

6. Lost property:

Jim is on his way home, and he’s driving behind an ambulance.

As he’s driving along, he notices a small metal box on the back step of the ambulance.

As the ambulance turns a corner, the box suddenly falls off and lands on the side of the road.

Being a public-spirited individual, Jim pulls over and retrieves it.

When Jim opens the box, there is a human toe inside, packed in ice.

Well, Jim realises that the owner will need this appendage, so he phones the local hospital to explain the situation.

Jim gives them his location and then asks whether they’ll be sending an ambulance to collect it.

“No, there’s no need,” they said. “We’ll just send a toe truck.”

7. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny was standing outside his local shopping mall when he was approached by a man.

“Son, I’m lost,” said the man. “Could you tell me how I get to the post office from here?”

“Sure, mister,” said Little Johnny. “Walk down to the end of this road and turn right. Then you’ll see it on your left.”

“Thank you, son,” said the man. “I’m the new minister at the church. If you come along on Sunday, I’ll tell you how you can get to Heaven.”

“How are you going to do that?” asks little Johnny. “You didn’t even know the way to the post office.”

8. Three wishes:

Tom, Dick, and Harry are shipwrecked on a desert island when they stumble upon an old oil lamp.

Tom picks up the lamp and starts rubbing it.

Immediately, a genie appears and grants each of them a wish.

Tom immediately says he’d like to be back home in New York.

Poof! Then Tom’s gone and on his way home.

Dick then says his wish is to be back home in New York, too.

Poof! Then Dick’s gone and on his way home.

Looking at Harry, the genie says, “So, what’s your wish?”

Harry thinks momentarily and then says, “Jeez, it sure is lonely without my two buddies. I wish they were both back here.”

9. Waiting for the bus:

A woman is experiencing an issue with her wardrobe door in her bedroom. Each time a bus passes her house, the door falls off.

She calls a repairman, and he arrives to fix it.

The repairman sees that the door has fallen off.

So he puts it back in place, and he then says to the woman, “I’ll now step inside the wardrobe, and I’ll wait until a bus passes to see exactly what happens. You just close the door on me.”

So she closes the door, but as she does so, her husband arrives home, and he hears his wife in the bedroom talking with someone.

Naturally, he wants to know what’s going on.

So, he rushes upstairs, storms into the bedroom, and opens the wardrobe door. He sees the repairman and says, “OK, buddy, what the hell are you doing in there?”

“Now you might find this hard to believe,” says the repairman, “but I’m waiting for a bus.”

Phil Sutton

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