Roy Sutton

10 hilarious jokes that will certainly make you laugh

06/16/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Jokes are always popular with readers, so once again I’ve been searching the Internet for stuff to make you smile.

Here are 10 hilarious jokes that really made me laugh and I hope they will brighten your day too.

They are all classified as ‘Author Unknown’ as I’ve have been unable to confirm the identity of the original authors. However I’d be happy to add appropriate writing credits to each and every joke if anyone can advise me as to their origin.

10 Hilarious Jokes:

A naked woman robbed a bank.
Nobody could remember her face.

Patient: Doctor I’m so nervous, this is my first operation.
Doctor: Oh don’t worry. It’s mine too.

Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head.
Be happy that dogs can’t fly.

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.
Well she’s in for a shock.

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?
No whey Jose.

My girlfriend has her own taser.
She’s a real stunner.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith recently.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

What do you do with an epileptic lettuce?
You make a seizure salad.

A man walked into a zoo and the only animal they have was a dog
It was a Shih Tzu.

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these hilarious jokes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contempt

06/15/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

People! When they get too much, there are times when we all need to use a little irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contempt.

We can’t live without people of course but they do drive us all nuts at times too, or is that just me?

Actually I love people. Well most of the time anyway.

However I also like to have my little stock of sarcastic remarks, retorts and put-downs ready to use when I need them. And occasionally we all need them, don’t we?

So today I thought I’d share with you 33 examples of irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contempt.

Read them. Enjoy them. I hope they make you smile. And if you’re ever in a situation that warrants a biting comeback then you’ll be well-prepared. I hope so anyway.

Irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contempt:

You go girl! And please don’t come back.
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
Those who laugh last think slowest.
Nothing gives me greater pleasure than your absence.
It’s obvious that in your profession stupidity’s not a handicap.
Look I’m really busy right now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Is being stupid your profession or are you simply gifted that way?
If you’re ever given the keys to the City then the City will need to change the locks.
How is it that when you see light at the end of the tunnel you always manage to extend the tunnel?
If ignorance is bliss then you should be the happiest guy on the planet.
To err is human but to blame it on others now that’s the art of politics.
I’d say something polite but that might encourage you to hang around and that would be more than I could bear.
They said this was a job anyone could do and now I’ve met you I know that to be true.
You’re living proof that inability is not necessarily a liability in the job market.
I didn’t vote for you, I voted to stop your opponent gaining power.
Sorry for the pause but I was trying to imagine you with a personality.
When you say something worth hearing I’ll listen but I doubt that’ll happen any time soon.
Look I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you. You’ve got to do some of the heavy lifting yourself.
My opinion offended you? You should hear the opinions I keep to myself.
I do try to see things from your point of view but your point of view is so stupid.
If what I said is a problem for you then perhaps you could write it down on a piece of paper and then shove that piece of paper up your ass.
You’re reading that book to look good, surely? Certainly in my experience, you lack the brains to understand it.
You’re one of those people who manage to spread a little misery wherever you go.
I’d enlighten you if I could but I’m not a magician.
You’re living proof that light travels faster than sound. You appeared quite bright until I heard what you said.
It wasn’t my intention to offend you when I called you stupid. I just assumed you knew that already.
Are you really that stingy or do you just have extremely short arms and very deep pockets?
If laughter is the best medicine then your face is the cure for every illness known to man.
I’m not listening but please keep talking. Why wouldn’t I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed?
Not all girls are made from sugar and spice and everything nice. Some are made from sarcasm and wine and everything fine.
You may lack the power of conversation but unfortunately you don’t lack the power of speech.
If it looked like I give a damn then allow me to apologize for giving you the wrong impression.
I’m not sarcastic by nature; I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

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If any of these examples of irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contempt made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Rules for Business Success Simply Explained

06/14/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Anyone can start their own business. You don’t need any special qualifications. You just need the desire and determination to succeed and a little appreciation of the basic rules for business success.

There are many attractions of running your own business too. When you make a profit it’s all yours. You will be building your own dream rather than helping someone else build their dream. And you will be calling the shots, rather than having to work with someone for whom you have little or no respect.

Now running your own business is not easy of course. However it’s the best chance you’re ever going to have to make some serious money. Look at any self-made millionaire and in all probability they’ve made their money by starting their own company. The chances of you getting rich as a salaried employee are slim to non-existent, unless you work on Wall Street perhaps.

Let me be honest here. There’s no easy formula for success in business; there’s no magic bullet. Business involves some risk and it also involves a lot hard work. You have to be prepared to work hard that’s for sure. Anyone suggesting there are easy ways to make money in business is either dishonest or deluded.

Nevertheless plenty of people do succeed in business, so why not you? If they can succeed then you can too with a little self-belief, surely? Believe you can and you will.

However there are some basic rules you should bear in mind. Here are 12 rules for business success that you must always bear in mind:-

Always have target customers and their problems in mind
Solve a problem for your customer
Create a product around the solution to that problem
You don’t have to be first, just build a ‘better mousetrap’
Remember: Your customer is your boss
Until money is coming in, spend as little as possible
Money in must exceed money out to make a profit
Success depends on making a profit consistently
Your profit margin should be worth the risks you’re taking
Use the skills and resources you’ve got
Be flexible and adapt when necessary
Go for activities where you can add the highest value

With self-belief and determination you can be as successful in business as anyone else. Don’t let negative talk by others put you off. Just go for it, if you think you have what it takes.

Even if you’re not quite sure whether you’ve got what it takes, it’s better to have a go and fail than to spend your life wondering what might have been. Life is too short to look back with regrets.

Business success can be achieved; people do and you can too.

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21 funny one-liners that are pure gold

06/13/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Don’t you just love people who are quick with a joke and are never short of a witty riposte or two when they need it?

Personally I think you have to admire a quick wit.

However did you know that many so called quick wits simply memorize a lot of witty stuff and create for themselves a mental ‘quiver full of arrows’ ready for use whenever necessary?

Well if they can do that then so can you.

All you need is a little ammunition to get started.

So here are some very funny one-liners to get you going. See how many of them you can work into your day.

They all made me smile and I hope they brighten your day too. So give yourself a break for a few minutes and enjoy today’s smiles.

Funny one-liners:

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
Wear short sleeves! Support the right to bare arms!
How come we never see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
42.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Support bacteria, they’re the only culture some people have.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Polite request:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

33 Hilarious Cheesy Pick-Up Lines

06/12/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

We’ve all been there at some point in our lives, particularly when we’re young.

We’re in a bar or a club and we see someone attractive, who we’d like to get to know a little bit better.

The weapon of choice in such situations is the pick-up or chat-up line as a conversation opener with the intent of engaging that person in the hope that it may lead to a date or even romance.

Sadly there are not many pick-up lines that we can truly look back on with pride though.

Here are 33 hilarious but very cheesy pick-up lines that may not stand the test of time but certainly they’ll make you smile right now. Enjoy them all.

Pick-Up Lines:

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?
Are you Yoda? Because Yodalicious.
Your hand looks heavy can I hold it for you?
Your lips look lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
Do you play soccer? Because you’re a keeper!
Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Do you have a name or can I call you mine?
Hello, you’re so hot a firefighter couldn’t put you out.
I must be in a museum because you’re a work of art.
You’re so lovely, you make me wanna go out and get a job
Hi, I’m writing a phone book. Can I have your number?
I’m no organ donor but I’d be happy to give you my heart.
Hey, you’re pretty and I’m cute. Together we’d be pretty cute.
I’m not a photographer but I can picture me and you together.
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.
I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?
Was your dad a boxer? Because you’re a knockout!
I’m not a hoarder but I really want to keep you forever.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
Can I follow you? Because my mom told me to follow my dreams
You must be a broom because you just swept me off my feet.
Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.
I heard you’re good at algebra. Can you replace my X without asking Y
Do you have a band aid? Because I scraped my knees falling for you.
You really shouldn’t wear makeup. You’re messing with perfection!
Would you grab my arm, so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?
Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.
Do you know if there are any police around here? Cause I’m about to steal your heart.
You look familiar. Didn’t we take a class together? I could’ve sworn we had chemistry.
I don’t believe in love at first sight but I’m willing to make an exception in your case.
I may not be the best looking guy here but I’m the only one talking to you.
Can you kiss me on the cheek so I can at least say a cute girl kissed me tonight?

Polite request:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these hilarious but very cheesy pick-up lines made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

7 inspirational quotes about life and success

06/11/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

If you want to be successful, observe successful people and do what they do. If it worked for them then it will probably work for you.

In life, if you’re determined and you’re prepared to work hard you can achieve almost anything. However success means different things to different people. What does it mean for you?

Perhaps you’d be happy with a steady job and a decent wage?

Alternatively success to you might be becoming a Hollywood movie star?

Well it doesn’t really matter how you define success. Just decide what it is you want and then go for it.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about life and success to help you reflect on what it all means to you.

Quotes about life and success:

I do not think that there is any other quality so essential to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance. It overcomes almost everything, even nature. ~John D. Rockefeller
Ultimately, leadership is not about glorious crowning acts. It’s about keeping your team focused on a goal and motivated to do their best to achieve it, especially when the stakes are high and the consequences really matter. It is about laying the groundwork for others’ success, and then standing back and letting them shine. ~Chris Hadfield
Like success, failure is many things to many people. With Positive Mental Attitude, failure is a learning experience, a rung on the ladder, a plateau at which to get your thoughts in order and prepare to try again. ~W. Clement Stone
We learned about gratitude and humility – that so many people had a hand in our success, from the teachers who inspired us to the janitors who kept our school clean… and we were taught to value everyone’s contribution and treat everyone with respect. ~Michelle Obama
Grit is that ‘extra something’ that separates the most successful people from the rest. It’s the passion, perseverance, and stamina that we must channel in order to stick with our dreams until they become a reality. ~Travis Bradberry
At the end of the day, you are solely responsible for your success and your failure. And the sooner you realize that, you accept that, and integrate that into your work ethic, you will start being successful. As long as you blame others for the reason you aren’t where you want to be, you will always be a failure. ~Erin Cummings
Before success comes in any man’s life, he’s sure to meet with much temporary defeat and, perhaps some failures. When defeat overtakes a man, the easiest and the most logical thing to do is to quit. That’s exactly what the majority of men do. ~Napoleon Hill

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Thank you.

7 quotes about war and why it’s mad

06/10/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Does a war ever solve anything? That’s a debatable point, to say the least.

There have been so many wars in my lifetime and yet what have they solved, really? It seems to me that war never actually resolves anything at all.

War causes bitterness and hatred between people and these feelings can fester for generations.

For me, war is best summed up by Bertrand Russell’s observation that, “War doesn’t decide who’s right, only who’s left.”

As far as I can see, war creates more problems than it solves. Often it creates a vacuum which is then filled by people with truly evil intent.

Ultimately differences between people require compromise and a political solution. We have to learn to live together and meet others halfway.

Yes there will be times when we have to be resolute and tough but fighting should be avoided whenever possible and it should always be possible.

If I have learned one thing it is this; if politicians had to go to war and do the fighting, and take their own sons and daughters with them, there would be no wars.

The problem we have today is that none of our politicians now have any first-hand experience of the reality of war. None have experienced the horrors of battle. If they had, they would take a very different approach, of that I am sure.

However let me say this; whether war can be justified or otherwise, we must always respect the warriors.

For the warriors do what they do in good faith and at great personal risk to themselves. They act without question and with the intent of protecting us. They do the bidding of politicians. So if anyone is to blame, it’s always the politicians. Let us never forget.

Here are seven quotes about war to underline today’s message.

Quotes about war:

Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. ~John F. Kennedy
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. ~George S. Patton
I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity. ~Dwight D. Eisenhower
Politics is war without bloodshed while war is politics with bloodshed. ~Mao Zedong
I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation. War is hell. ~William Tecumseh Sherman
What a cruel thing war is; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbours. ~Robert E. Lee
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. ~Jeannette Rankin

Please share these quotes with your friends:

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So please share then now. If you do, I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

7 inspirational quotes about work

06/09/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

What exactly is work?

Well the science of physics offers a definition of course. Essentially it says that it’s the effort required to move a force through a distance.

However that’s not really my point today. I’m talking about work in relation to people. And in that sense work is simply doing stuff for other people in exchange for money.

Ideally you should be doing stuff you enjoy doing because if you enjoy it you’ll do it well and if you do it well you’ll enhance your value over the long term. And if you really enjoy what you’re doing it won’t seem like work at all.

However if you’re doing stuff for just one person, regardless of how much you enjoy it, essentially you’re just trading your time for money.

Now I’m not suggesting that there’s anything wrong with trading your time. After all, that’s the way most people work. However to earn serious money you need to be doing stuff for many people simultaneously. One for many, rather than one for one.

For instance if you write a bestselling book, record a bestselling music album or produce a bestselling DVD these activities can lead to you making serious money. A period of work by you produces a product which potentially gives pleasure to millions.

Starting a business and selling products by the thousand is another way to make serious money.

My underlying message to you today is this; working ‘one-for-one’ can make you a living. Working ‘one-for-many’ can make you a fortune, particularly if you can continue to serve the many whilst you’re sleeping.

Whether it’s becoming a creative person, a performing artist, or starting a business. These are the roads to riches.

It’s never easy of course but it can be done and people do. You could too with a little self-belief.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about work to get you thinking about it.

Quotes about work:

Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life. ~Confucius
Everyone has been made for some particular work and the desire for that work has been put in every heart. ~Rumi
The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. ~Vince Lombardi
There is no substitute for hard work. ~Thomas A. Edison
Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. ~Steve Jobs
All life demands struggle. Those who have everything given to them become lazy, selfish, and insensitive to the real values of life. The very striving and hard work that we so constantly try to avoid is the major building block in the person we are today. ~Pope Paul VI
Nothing ever comes to one that is worth having, except as a result of hard work. ~Booker T. Washington

Please share these quotes with your friends:

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So please share then now. If you do, I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

30 unhelpful things to say in a crisis

06/08/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

In times of crisis our friends and loved ones need our sympathy and support. What they don’t need are stupid, inane or thoughtless comments that really don’t help.

Often we feel we’ve got to say something and in responding to silence we often say things that are really unhelpful to fill the void. Such comments may seem funny later but at the time they really don’t help.

So in times of crisis, if you can’t say something supportive, it’s probably better to remain silent and allow your friend, a loved one, or even your boss a little time to think through the problem and focus on a potential solution.

Nevertheless, unhelpful things said in a crisis can be amusing, so here are somethings best not said. I hope they amuse you dear reader.

Unhelpful things to say in a crisis:

You must have done something terrible in another life.
I told you so.
It can only get better.
Just calm down, stuff happens.
If only you hadn’t done that.
I’m sensing a bit of tension. Have I done something to upset you?
That shouldn’t happen, should it?
Don’t panic, don’t panic.
You’ll laugh about this one day.
Jeez, you’ve got a real problem there.
Now that was a really serious mistake.
I guess it’s not a good time to ask for a pay raise?
Didn’t you say you hadn’t renewed the insurance policy?
Statistically speaking this doesn’t happen very often.
Don’t you just hate it when that happens?
Does this mean our date’s off tonight?
Oh well, mistakes can be valuable learning experiences.
You can always draw a line under it and move on.
What does Google say?
Was that really expensive?
There are people who would love to be where we are right now.
However bad it may be, it could be worse.
When life gives you lemons, you can always make lemonade.
That’s incredible. You wouldn’t have thought that was possible.
I couldn’t cope with what you’re going through right now.
When I think of situations like yours, I count my blessings.
God wouldn’t give you more than you can handle.
Did you know that the probability of that happening was about a trillion to one?
There are people in this world with more problems than you have right now.
When I see a situation like yours, I realize that there but for the grace of God go I.

Polite request:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these unhelpful things to say in a crisis made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

7 inspirational quotes about business

06/07/2019 by Roy Sutton

If you want to get seriously rich then having your own business is probably the best way, if not the only way to do it.

Certainly that would be true for most people.

Unless you’re a Hollywood A-lister, an investment banker on Wall Street or a top player in the NFL, the English Premier League or the Indian Premier League.

Otherwise very few jobs would provide you with the means for getting seriously rich beyond your dreams.

However business is not for the faint-hearted, that’s important to recognize.

You’ll need to think big and you must be prepared to take calculated risks. You must also be prepared to work very hard if you’re to succeed in business.

There is no such thing as easy money. Your business must add value to peoples’ lives.

Adding value means offering customers products which provide them with real solutions to their problems.

You must offer good customer service too.

Great products and exceptional customer service will certainly attract customers but the other key ingredient for business success is to manage money carefully, particularly when it comes to costs.

Money will flow into your business and money will flow out too. The trick is to make sure that MONEY IN always exceeds MONEY OUT. And that’s easier said than done.

Get it the other way round for too long and your business will go bust.

Business success can be yours but you have to be serious about it and you have to be very professional too. That said, it can be done and people do. And if other people can do it, so can you.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about business to help you think about it.

Quotes About Business:

A satisfied customer is the best business strategy of all. ~Michael LeBoeuf
There is only one boss; the customer. And he [or she] can fire everybody in the company from the chairman on down, simply by spending his [or her] money somewhere else. ~Sam Walton
There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure. ~Colin Powell
The secret of business is to know something that nobody else knows. ~Aristotle Onassis
Profit in business comes from repeat customers, customers that boast about your project or service, and that bring friends with them. ~W Edwards Deming
If you don’t drive your business, you will be driven out of business. ~BC Forbes
An organization, no matter how well designed, is only as good as the people who live and work in it. ~Dee Hock

Please share these quotes with your friends:

If you found these quotes inspiring and interesting then please share them on social media with your friends. When you share, everyone wins.

So please share then now. If you do, I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

10 Hilarious Jokes:

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Irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contempt:

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Funny one-liners:

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Pick-Up Lines:

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Quotes about life and success:

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Quotes about war:

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Quotes about work:

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Unhelpful things to say in a crisis:

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Quotes About Business:

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