22 bad puns that are so bad they’re funny

bad-punsI love puns, as you may have seen in some previous blog posts. The clever use of words always makes me smile. Whether they’re good puns or bad puns they usually make me laugh.

Well, today I’m focusing on some bad puns for a change.

Here are 22 bad puns which consider why so many professionals never die.

I hope they brighten your day and or at least don’t make you groan too much. Enjoy them all now.

Bad Puns: 

  1. Old owls never die they just don’t give a hoot.
  2. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
  3. Old sculptors never die they just lose their marbles.
  4. Old professors never die they just lose their class.
  5. Old limbo dancers never die they just go under.
  6. Old chemists never die they just fail to react.
  7. Old mathematicians never die they just disintegrate.
  8. Old investors never die they just rollover.
  9. Old printers never die they’re just not the type.
  10. Old sanitation engineers never die they’re just dumped.
  11. Old police officers never die they just cop-out.
  12. Old bankers never die they just lose interest.
  13. Old sewage workers never die they just waste away.
  14. Old electricians never die they just lose contact.
  15. Old accountants never die they just lose their figures.
  16. Old photographers never die they just stop developing.
  17. Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
  18. Old tailors never die they just get stitched up.
  19. Old chauffeurs never die they just lose their drive.
  20. Old quarterbacks never die they just pass away.
  21. Old cleaners never die they just kick the bucket.
  22. Old cooks never die they just get deranged.

bad-punsCan you add another one?

On the theme of old professionals never dying, can you add another one to this list?

Maybe you could make one up and entertain our readers? Perhaps a pun related to your own profession or hobby? I’ll bet you can dear reader.

Go on, have a go at writing one of your own and send it to me via the Contact Page.

The page will then be updated and you’ll get a full acknowledgement on this post for your contribution

I’m confident readers will have lots of great ideas. So go on, let me have them ow.

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I hope these puns made you laugh dear reader. However, perhaps you feel that you could use another laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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15 Funny quotes on friendship that’ll raise a smile

Funny-quotes-on-friendshipIf you’re lucky enough to have one good friend then you are richer than you imagine and if you have two then you’re truly blessed.

Friendship is a relationship of equals.

Real friends are people with whom you have a lot in common, especially when it comes to things that make you laugh and those times when you enjoy getting silly.

True friends are people who know all your faults but accept you as you are anyway.

Not everyone with whom you have a friendly relationship is a true friend. Some people are just very good acquaintances.

A real friend is someone you could phone at 3 am when you’re in trouble and know they’d be out to help you in a heartbeat.

Such people are worth their weight in gold and you should never take them for granted. They’re special and you should appreciate them being in your life because not everyone is quite so lucky.

Here are 15 funny quotes on friendship that for me touch on the very essence of what it all means.

Funny quotes on friendship:

  1. Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
  2. Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.
  3. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.
  4. When our phones fall, we panic. When our friends fall, we laugh.
  5. If you have crazy friends you have everything you’ll ever need.
  6. Never let your best friends get lonely. Keep disturbing them.
  7. You have a problem when your imaginary friend thinks he has a problem.
  8. There’s nothing better than a good friend, except for a good friend with chocolate.
  9. Friends come and go, like waves on the ocean, but the true friends stay like an octopus on your face.
  10. A best friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find, but you’re lucky if you have one.
  11. Laughing is one of the best exercises. It’s like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it’s even better with a friend.
  12. I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous, but a super humid room. Well not too humid, because you know, my hair.
  13. I love making friends. I usually prefer to make them out of plaster and give them funny-looking hats.
  14. Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl’s best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake.
  15. I hope we’re good friends until we die, then I hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through walls and scare people.

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The importance of making mistakes to achieving success

Making-MistakesAs children, we’re often taught that making mistakes is a bad thing.

For instance, many parents will actively discourage their children from doing anything that might lead to them making what, from the parents’ standpoint, appears to be a serious mistake.

Would this be an experience with which you’re familiar, dear reader? Well, I am, let me tell you.

The human experience:

However, I’ve learned that making mistakes is an essential element of the human experience as we progress on our journey down life’s highway.

There’s no road map for this journey, you learn as you go along and use what you’ve learned to improve your life as best you can.

As you journey down life’s highway, of course, you face an endless stream of choices at various times in your life.

Each time you come to a fork in the road, a decision must be made.

Daunting as this may be at times, you must always remember that every decision you make will be a valid one. It may not prove to be the right one but that doesn’t make it any less valid based on what you knew at the time.

Allow me to explain.

Almost every decision you have to make will have been based on imperfect information. That’s the nature of life in the modern world.

So, all you can do is to use your judgement, weigh up the pros and cons, and act in good faith.

Inevitably, outcomes won’t always be favourable to you but that doesn’t mean you’ve made a bad choice. It just means life has a lesson you must learn.

That’s the thing about mistakes they’re just lessons that over time provide you with that valuable commodity known as experience.

And never, ever underestimate the importance of experience when it comes to achieving success.

Lessons learned won’t be forgotten:

What you learn from your mistakes is far more important to you than anything anyone can tell you in a classroom. You’ll never forget those things you’ve had to learn the hard way.

Life is not called the ‘School of Hard Knocks’ for nothing.

If you believe in yourself and your ability to use your own judgement and you accept that you’ll make mistakes occasionally, then you have the ability to cope with just about everything life throws at you.

Just make decisions to the best of your ability and knowledge and then, if they don’t work out, just look for the lesson and learn it well.

Never let anyone tell you that making mistakes is a bad thing because it’s not.

Despite anything people will tell you to the contrary, there’s nothing wrong with making mistakes because that’s how you gain experience and that’s how you’ll grow in character.

Once is fine; twice is not:

That said, whilst making a mistake is perfectly reasonable, making the same mistake frequently is not.

Make a mistake once and that’s fine; make it twice and you’re starting to look a little bit careless. Make the same mistake three times and people will start to have serious doubts about you.

making-mistakesAn essential element of success:

No one ever mastered anything without making mistakes.

Whatever you choose to do in life, you start as a complete beginner like everyone else.

If your aim is to be a success in your chosen profession, then you must get out there, have a go, make mistakes, learn from them and keep refining your craft until you’re the best, or at least as good as the very best.

It can be done and people do. You can too.

However you must accept that you’ll make mistakes, and as long as you don’t make the same mistakes too often, you’ll be fine.

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15 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

brilliant-one-linersThere’s so much stuff on the Internet and so little time to read it all. We need to laugh but we haven’t got time to read all the longer jokes.

Worry not dear reader. Help is at hand. Here are 15 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Certainly, they all made me smile.

They’ll only consume 30 seconds of your time and they’re well worth the effort.

And of course, laughter is the best medicine. So rather than take medication, you can have a good laugh instead.

Surely that’s a win-win situation? Go on, enjoy them all now.

Brilliant one-liners:

  1. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
  2. The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
  3. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  4. When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.
  5. If a woman wants to scare a man the only question she needs to ask is, “Do you know what day it is today?”
  6. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  7. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.
  8. She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
  9. Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
  10. If photons have mass does that mean they’re Catholic?
  11. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
  12. A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.
  13. You know they’re a real friend when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.
  14. Can you make a waterbed more bouncy by using spring water?
  15. Why is the day you do your housework, laundry, cooking and ironing called a day off?

brilliant-one-linersPlease share with your friends:

So did any of these prove to be the brilliant one-liners you’d hoped for dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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15 Quotes by Groucho Marx to amuse you

Quotes-by-Groucho-MarxGroucho Marx, born Julius Henry Marx, was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio and television star and part of the successful and immensely popular comedy act known as The Marx Brothers.

Groucho was known for his quick wit and he is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era.

With his siblings the Marx Brothers, Groucho Marx made 13 feature films but he also had a successful solo career in radio and television.

Here are 15 quotes by Groucho Marx which illustrate his quick wit.

Quotes by Groucho Marx:

  1. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you’ve got it made. ~Groucho Marx
  2. I intend to live forever or die trying. ~Groucho Marx
  3. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. ~Groucho Marx
  4. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. ~Groucho Marx
  5. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. ~Groucho Marx
  6. No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early. ~Groucho Marx
  7. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others. ~Groucho Marx
  8. I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ~Groucho Marx
  9. Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. ~Groucho Marx
  10. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. ~Groucho Marx
  11. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~Groucho Marx
  12. There’s one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him. If he says, yes, you know he’s a crook. ~Groucho Marx
  13. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ~Groucho Marx
  14. Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me? ~Groucho Marx
  15. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? ~Groucho Marx

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21 quotes about relationships to enlighten you a little

quotes-about-relationshipsPeople! We can’t live with them but we can’t live without them either.

While they can be frustrating we are social animals, so we need people and relationships.

The more we understand about relationships the more likely we’ll be in a position to form and sustain successful relationships.

Hence today’s blog post with 21 thought-provoking quotes about relationships to help you ponder and improve your understanding of one of life’s trickier aspects.

Now some people struggle to form successful relationships, whilst others seem to enjoy perfect relationships all the time. Well, don’t be fooled by appearances.

All relationships can be tricky because we all have this romantic notion about what the perfect relationship should look like. That notion may be romantic but it’s also inaccurate.

Perfect relationships don’t exist.

Consequently, relationships take time, effort and compromise. We must work at them constantly to keep them healthy and beneficial.

Furthermore, we must recognise that for a relationship to work it must be balanced. The dynamics within the relationship must be in equilibrium.

By that, I mean that within any relationship both parties must feel their needs are being met.

Where the dynamic within a relationship favours one side or the other then this breeds resentment and frustration. That in turn results in friction and disharmony within the relationship, which can be damaging of course.

No one can have it all their own way all the time. Compromise is essential.

However, compromise shouldn’t be to the point whereby you’re actively working against your own interests.

It would never make sense to do anything that works against our own interests. If we don’t look after our own interests, then no one else will.

So here are those 21 thought-provoking quotes about relationships, I hope you find them interesting, dear reader.

Quotes about relationships (1-13):

  1. A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. ~Mae West
  2. When you don’t talk, there’s a lot of stuff that ends up not getting said. ~Catherine Gilbert Murdock
  3. When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are. ~Donald Miller
  4. The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too. ~Ernest Hemingway
  5. For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first. ~Suzanne Collins
  6. Cheating and lying aren’t struggles; they’re reasons to break up. ~Patti Callahan Henry
  7. I suffer from girl-next-door-itis where the guy is friends with you and that’s it. ~Taylor Swift
  8. I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me. ~Steve Maraboli
  9. Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside. ~Sarah Dessen
  10. Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike. ~JK Rowling
  11. It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favourite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party. ~Nick Hornby
  12. The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. ~CG Jung
  13. There is greatness in doing something you hate for the sake of someone you love. ~Shmuley Boteach

Quotes about relationships (14-21):

  1. Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys. ~Nicholas Sparks
  2. I know enough to know that no woman should ever marry a man who hated his mother. ~Martha Gellhorn
  3. People like to say love is unconditional, but it’s not, and even if it was unconditional, it’s still never free. There’s always an expectation attached. They always want something in return. Like they want you to be happy or whatever and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won’t be happy unless you are. I just don’t want that responsibility. ~Katja Millay
  4. To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect. ~Criss Jami
  5. Every couple have their ups and downs, every couple argues and that’s the thing; you’re a couple and couples can’t function without trust. ~Nicholas Sparks
  6. If a girl starts out all casual with a guy and she doesn’t tell him that she wants a relationship, it will never become a relationship. If you give the guy the impression that casual is okay with you, then that’s all he’ll ever want. Be straight with him from the start. If he gets scared and runs away, he wasn’t right for you. ~Susane Colasanti
  7. Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~Bill Maher
  8. What we wait around a lifetime for with one person, we can find in a moment with someone else. ~Stephanie Klein

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15 Quotes by David Brent to brighten your day

Quotes-by-David-BrentIf Ricky Gervais’s monologue at the Golden Globes 2020 made you cringe then take a look at some quotes by his alter ego, David Brent. These are even more memorable

Who could forget the cringe-worthy David Brent from the original, UK version of the situation comedy The Office?

When it first hit our screens The Office was both original and very funny.

Here are 15 quotes by David Brent to remind you of just what a clever comic creation he was at the time.

These quotes made me smile and I hope they make you smile too dear reader.

Quotes by David Brent:

  1. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue. ~David Brent
  2. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s? ~David Brent
  3. Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them. ~David Brent
  4. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but it was just some b*stard with a torch bringing me more work. ~David Brent
  5. If at first, you don’t succeed, remove all evidence that you ever tried. ~David Brent
  6. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves. ~David Brent
  7. You have to be 100% behind someone before you can stab them in the back. ~David Brent
  8. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation. ~David Brent
  9. If you’re gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes, make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast. ~David Brent
  10. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk. ~David Brent
  11. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow. ~David Brent
  12. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability. ~David Brent
  13. Statistics are like a lamp post to a drunken man, more for leaning on than illumination. ~David Brent
  14. There may be no ‘I’ in team but there’s a ‘ME’ if you look hard enough. ~David Brent
  15. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he’s got something to eat and he won’t die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts. ~David Brent

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5 philosophical quotes about getting old

philosophical-quotes-about-getting-oldMany people worry themselves silly when they think about getting old. However let’s face it, getting old is better than the alternative, isn’t it?

Yes, as we get older we get more aches and pains and we slow down a little. That’s natural. However, for me, the idea of getting old is really just a state of mind.

And what do I mean by that statement?

Well, we’re all getting older every minute of every day but do we have to get old? I think it’s all down to our personal philosophy.

By that I mean, it’s all down to how we choose to look at things. As long as we can retain enthusiasm for life and embrace all things new then we’re not old at all, in my opinion. Older yes, but not old.

Old is when you’ve had enough of life and you’re ready to embrace the Grim Reaper.

And I hope for you dear reader that will be a long, long way off.

In the meantime, here are 5 philosophical quotes about getting old to help you put it all into perspective.

philosophical-quotes-about-getting-oldPhilosophical quotes about getting old:

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young. ~Henry Ford

We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. ~George Bernard Shaw

Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you. ~Ogden Nash

The old believe everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything. ~Oscar Wilde

I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, ‘How many good things have you done in your life?’ rather he will ask, ‘How much love did you put into what you did?’ ~Mother Teresa

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10 memorable lines from the movies to make you smile

memorable-lines-from-the-moviesI love the movies and I love all the clever lines that are so memorable.

So today I thought it would be a good idea to share with you 10 memorable lines from the movies.

I think these are some of the best lines of all time:-

Memorable lines from the movies:

  1. I’ll Have What She’s Having. ~When Harry Met Sally (1989)
  2. It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage. ~Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
  3. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. ~Animal House (1978)
  4. Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the War Room! ~Dr Strangelove (1964)
  5. There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. ~The First Wives Club (1996)
  6. There’s only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples’ cultures and the Dutch. ~Goldmember (2002)
  7. I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day he tells me it’s my fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him. Yeah, I did a little jail time but it was worth it. ~Living Out Loud (1998)
  8. There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? ~Airplane! (1980)
  9. Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m a schizophrenic and so am I. ~What About Bob? (1991)
  10. You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk. ~Dirty Harry (1971)

And a bonus memorable line from television:

I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? ~Chandler Bing, Friends

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Were these some of the most memorable lines of all time?

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35 one-liners about life that are guaranteed to raise a smile

one-liners-about-lifeI love one-liners about life. The one I love most has to be the following:-

Life? Don’t talk to me about life!

Older readers may remember that this was the expression made famous by Marvin the Paranoid Android in Douglas Adams’ classic novel, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

I’m sure we’ve all shared Marvin’s sentiment occasionally when we experience life’s more challenging moments.

However positive we are, life can get the better of us sometimes.

So here are some one-liners about life that are guaranteed to raise a smile or two, as I’m sure at least some of them will resonate with readers.

Life can be absurd at times and it’s difficult on occasions to believe the evidence of our own eyes and ears.

Nevertheless, our aim must be to remain positive and to do that we must learn to laugh at life and ourselves.

Don’t take it all too seriously.

Just laugh as much as you can and that is the perfect counter-balance to Life’s absurdities.

Start now by laughing at all these one-liners which I’ve collected together to amuse and entertain you, dear reader.

One-liners about life:

  1. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  2. Life is a terminal disease.
  3. Youth is wasted on the young.
  4. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
  5. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  6. It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
  7. We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.
  8. Being a hypochondriac could save your life one of these days.
  9. Any room is a panic room if you’ve lost your phone in it.
  10. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  11. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
  12. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  13. I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  14. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  15. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
  16. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
  17. Just because a road’s well-trodden doesn’t mean it leads anywhere worth going.
  18. As soon as you’re doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.
  19. Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism but stealing ideas from many people is research.
  20. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  21. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
  22. You might as well laugh at your problems because everyone else does.
  23. God must love stupid people because he made so many of them.
  24. Dolphins are so smart they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw fish at them.
  25. If I was doin’ any better, I’d have to hire someone to help me enjoy it!
  26. Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
  27. How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
  28. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  29. I thought I wanted a career but I realize now that I just wanted a decent income.
  30. Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
  31. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they’re sexy.
  32. Why is it that most nudists are people you wouldn’t want to see naked?
  33. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.
  34. Smile. Some people will appreciate it others will be irritated by it. Either way, you win.
  35. The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.

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