3 funny joke stories you could tell your friends at a party

Funny Joke StoriesDo you enjoy funny joke stories, dear reader? Those little stories you can embellish, as you tell them, and which always have a funny punch line. Well, I love them and here are three that were new to me and which I thought you might enjoy.

Funny joke stories:

1. Shock for the preacher’s wife:

Jeff and Emma both had demanding jobs, working on Wall Street, and they’d decided it was time for them to take a break, catch a little sunshine and relax down in Acapulco for a week.

As luck would have it, on the day they were due to depart Emma had to deal with an emergency at the investment bank in which she worked.

So they agreed that Jeff would go as planned, and Emma would take a later flight and meet him the following day, at the hotel.

When Jeff arrived at the hotel, having checked in, he decided that it would a good idea to email Emma and let her know he’d arrived safely.

Now Jeff and Emma were active members of the congregation at a Lutheran Church in Manhattan and the wife of the preacher from the church was Emma Davis, which coincidently was exactly the same name as Jeff’s wife, Emma.

In his haste to type out his message, Jeff managed to select the wrong Emma Davis from his contact list, and his message went to the preacher’s wife by mistake.

To compound the problem, it just so happened that the elderly preacher had died suddenly, on the day that Jeff had departed for Acapulco.

So, when the grieving widow checked her emails, she saw she had a message from a parishioner and naturally she opened it and began reading.

Immediately she let out a loud, piercing scream and then she fainted, collapsing to the floor.

At the sound of her falling, her daughter rushed into the room. Her daughter looked at her mother and then glanced at the message her mother had been reading on her iPad.

The email message read:

Dearest Emma,

I’ve just arrived. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. It sure is hot down here.

2. Old age problem:

Jack was on his lunch break and he decided that he’d sit in the sunshine in Central Park to eat his lunch.

As he walked into the park, he noticed an elderly man sitting on a bench near the gate, sobbing uncontrollably.

Naturally, Jack stopped and asked the old man what was wrong.

I have a beautiful, 39-year-old wife at home,” said the old man. “She’s loving, kind and every morning she gets up and makes me pancakes for breakfast, with Maple syrup, blueberries and freshly ground coffee.

Wow!” said Jack. “She sounds wonderful. So, why are you crying?

The old man continued to sob. “She cleans my house and keeps it spotless and tidy. Then she makes me delicious clam chowder and crackers for lunch. And in the afternoon she sits with me and we watch the sports channel for the rest of the afternoon.

Gee!” Jack responded. “Women like that are hard to find. So, why are you crying?

With a tear in his eye, the old man said, “For dinner she always cooks a delicious, gourmet meal with French wine and a fabulous dessert. And after dinner we cuddle on the sofa watching television until bedtime.”

You’re a lucky man”, said Jack, “and I really don’t understand why in the world you would be crying?

The old man looked up and sighed, “I can’t remember where I live.”

Funny Joke Stories3. An expression of love:

Jane was a born romantic at heart and she liked nothing better than to send her husband, Jim, a loving text message whenever he was away on business.

One morning, when Jim was away, she decided to send him a text message when she knew he was likely to be in his hotel room getting ready for the business day ahead.

Her message read, “If you’re still sleeping, send me your dreams. If you’re laughing, send me your smile. Perhaps you’re still eating, in which case send me a bite. And if you’re drinking your morning coffee, then send me a sip. I love you!”

Unfortunately for Jane, Jim was your typically blunt, unromantic kind of guy. He responded, “I’m on the toilet, taking a dump. Please advise.

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Here are 10 quotes that really make you think

Looking for quotes that really make you think, dear reader? If you’re anything like me then I’m sure you’ll enjoy a good quote, who doesn’t?

I love quotes that really help me reflect on life and its meaning. How about you?

Certainly, most quotes from the great thinkers through the ages tend to get me thinking about life and reflecting on its meaning and the human condition.

So today I offer you 10 quotes that I believe will really make you think. They all made me think, so I’m sure you will too, dear reader.

Enjoy them all and see how many of them that you can put to good use today.

Quotes that really make you think:

  1. One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. ~Bertrand Russell
  2. Fashion is what you adopt when you don’t know who you are. ~Quentin Crisp
  3. You have to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going because you might not get there. ~Yogi Berra
  4. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. ~Albert Einstein
  5. Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. ~Hubert Humphrey
  6. Believe you can and you’re halfway there. ~Theodore Roosevelt
  7. Gold medals aren’t really made of gold. They’re made of sweat, determination, and a hard-to-find alloy called guts. ~Author Unknown
  8. Even the greatest was once a beginner. Don’t be afraid to take that first step. ~Author Unknown
  9. The greatest advantage of speaking the truth is that you don’t have to remember what you said. ~Author Unknown
  10. It is your attitude and not your aptitude that determines your altitude. ~Zig Ziglar

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People really do love quotes, so share them now. You might just inspire a friend to take the next big step forward in life. When you share, everyone wins.

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17 quotes to inspire you to be all you can be

  1. quotes to inspire you to be all you can beThe only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. ~Steve Jobs
  2. Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome. ~Samuel Johnson
  3. Every artist was first an amateur. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
  4. Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. ~Dale Carnegie
  5. Whoever is happy will make others happy, too. ~Mark Twain
  6. You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. ~Christopher Columbus
  7. Use what talents you possess. The woods will be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best. ~Henry Van Dyke
  8. You are what you think about all day long. ~Dr. Robert Schuller
  9. The biggest mistake people make in life is not trying to make a living at doing what they most enjoy. ~Malcolm Forbes
  10. Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive. ~Howard Thurman
  11. Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. ~Mother Teresa
  12. Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit. ~Conrad Hilton
  13. That’s precisely the question everyone should be asking—why the hell not? Why not you, why not now? ~Timothy Ferriss
  14. The quality of a person’s life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavour. ~Vince Lombardi
  15. It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. ~E.E. Cummings
  16. Do not let what you cannot do; interfere with what you can do. ~John Wooden
  17. Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. ~Henry Ford

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25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

Funny Witty QuotesI always get the best reaction with blog posts that are full of content to make you smile. That’s natural of course. After all, we all need a good laugh, don’t we? And funny witty quotes are particularly popular with readers.

With that in mind I’ve been trawling my personal journals looking for funny witty quotes which I’ve noted for posterity, and which I hope you’ll enjoy now, dear reader.

So, here are 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you. Certainly they tickled me.

They’re all by Authors Unknown but they’re razor-sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on take a few minutes right now to have a laugh and enjoy them all.

Funny witty quotes:

  1. ‘Be yourself’ is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
  2. Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
  3. HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
  4. Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
  5. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  6. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
  7. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
  8. There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
  9. You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
  10. If you have nothing to be grateful for check your pulse.
  11. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
  12. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
  13. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  14. We mature with damage, not with years.
  15. Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
  16. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  17. Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
  18. I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
  19. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  20. The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
  21. The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
  22. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
  24. If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
  25. 129% of people exaggerate.

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11 razor-sharp quotes from some of life’s greatest wits

Razor-sharp QuotesI love razor-sharp quotes, don’t you? I refer to those quotes that are both sharp and very funny, when you give them just a little thought.

Whenever I come across a sharp and witty quote, I always make a note of it in my journal. And today, as I’ve been going through my journal, I’ve picked out 11 razor-sharp quotes that I think are funny and I thought you might enjoy them too, dear reader.

They definitely made me smile, so I hope they brighten your day too. Enjoy them all.

Razor-sharp quotes:

  1. Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you. ~Jeremy Clarkson
  2. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. ~Oscar Wilde 
  3. I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business, but I was in the top one. ~Brian Clough
  4. The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. ~Dorothy Parker
  5. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. ~WC Fields
  6. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~Spike Milligan
  7. He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. ~Winston Churchill
  8. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~Noel Coward
  9. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
  10. A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth. ~George Bernard Shaw
  11. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ~Mark Twain

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15 Quotes by Elon Musk to help get you thinking

Quotes by Elon MuskBorn in Pretoria, South Africa, Elon Musk is a technology entrepreneur and engineer. He holds South African, Canadian and U.S. citizenship and is probably best known as the co-founder, CEO and product architect of Tesla Inc.

In 2016, he was ranked 21st on the Forbes list of the World’s Most Powerful People.

Apparently his net worth is around $19.4 billion and he’s listed by Forbes as the 40th-richest person in the world.

By any definition, Elon Musk is a clever and successful man and of course, it’s always worth listening to successful people.

So today I offer you 15 quotes by Elon Musk dear reader.

He’s an interesting character and his observations will certainly get you thinking I’m sure.

15 Quotes by Elon Musk:

  1. I think it matters whether someone has a good heart. ~Elon Musk
  2. I hate writing about personal stuff. I don’t have a Facebook page. I don’t use my Twitter account. I am familiar with both, but I don’t use them. ~Elon Musk
  3. When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favour. ~Elon Musk
  4. If you get up in the morning and think the future is going to be better, it’s a bright day. Otherwise, it’s not. ~Elon Musk
  5. People should pursue what they’re passionate about. That will make them happier than pretty much anything else. ~Elon Musk
  6. I think that’s the single best piece of advice: constantly think about how you could be doing things better and questioning yourself. ~Elon Musk
  7. There have to be reasons that you get up in the morning and you want to live. Why do you want to live? What’s the point? What inspires you? What do you love about the future? If the future does not include being out there among the stars and being a multi-planet species, I find that incredibly depressing. ~Elon Musk
  8. Some people don’t like change, but you need to embrace change if the alternative is disaster. ~Elon Musk
  9. People work better when they know what the goal is and why. It is important that people look forward to coming to work in the morning and enjoy working. ~Elon Musk
  10. I think it’s very important to have a feedback loop, where you’re constantly thinking about what you’ve done and how you could be doing it better. ~Elon Musk
  11. Man has the power to act as his own destroyer – and that is the way he has acted through most of his history. ~Elon Musk
  12. Really, the only thing that makes sense is to strive for greater collective enlightenment. ~Elon Musk
  13. We can’t have, like, willy-nilly proliferation of fake news. That’s crazy. You can’t have more types of fake news than real news. That’s allowing public deception to go unchecked. That’s crazy. ~Elon Musk
  14. Brand is just a perception, and perception will match reality over time. Sometimes it will be ahead, other times it will be behind. But brand is simply a collective impression some have about a product. ~Elon Musk
  15. In order to have your voice be heard in Washington, you have to make some little contribution. ~Elon Musk

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15 amusing quotes by Spike Milligan to make you smile

I love to read amusing quotes by Spike Milligan. He was undoubtedly a man with a funny bone.

In case you’re not familiar with his name, Spike Milligan was a funny, irreverent and much-loved comedian and staple of British television and radio for many years in the post-war era and right up until his death in 2002.

Born Terence Alan Milligan in India, he was the son of a British Army Captain of Irish descent and an English mother.

In addition to being a wonderful comic performer, probably best known for his work with the Goon Show, he was also a successful writer, poet, playwright and actor.

Though he spent much of his early life in India, the majority of his adult life was spent in the United Kingdom.

However when the Commonwealth Immigrants Act removed Indian-born Milligan’s automatic right to British citizenship in 1962, despite his own service in the British Army as well as his father’s, he became an Irish citizen, exercising a right conferred through his Irish-born father.

I think he was a genuinely funny man and to prove it, here are 15 of his razor-sharp quips. Enjoy them all.

Quotes by Spike Milligan:

  1. All men are cremated equal. ~Spike Milligan
  2. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. ~Spike Milligan
  3. I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. ~Spike Milligan
  4. Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? ~Spike Milligan
  5. Money couldn’t buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy. ~Spike Milligan
  6. I’m a hero with coward’s legs. ~Spike Milligan
  7. How long was I in the army? Five-foot eleven. ~Spike Milligan
  8. I turned and rubbed my hands with glee. I always keep a tin of glee handy. ~Spike Milligan
  9. I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Spike Milligan
  10. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~Spike Milligan
  11. Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death. ~Spike Milligan
  12. I can speak Esperanto like a native. ~Spike Milligan
  13. A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherd’s Bush. ~Spike Milligan
  14. A family man from Siberia; As a father was very inferior; But one operation; Revised the situation; And now he’s Mother Superior. ~Spike Milligan
  15. And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. ~Spike Milligan

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15 Quotes by Bruce Lee that will still inspire you today

Quotes by Bruce LeeBruce Lee is best remembered for his roles in popular martial arts movies of the early 1970s, such as Enter the Dragon.

Born Lee Jun-fan in San Francisco in 1940, he was a Hong Kong-American actor, director, martial artist, martial arts instructor and philosopher brought up in Kowloon, Hong Kong.

Bruce Lee is considered by commentators, critics, media and indeed other martial artists to be the most influential martial artist of all time.

He also remains a pop culture icon of the 20th century, who bridged the gap between East and West.

Sadly Bruce Lee died of a cerebral oedema in Hong Kong in 1973 but subsequently he was named by Time magazine as one of the 100 most influential people of the 20th century. For a martial artist, that’s fairly impressive don’t you think?

Despite his untimely death, he continues to influence people and there are several websites dedicated to Bruce Lee around the world.

In his relatively short life he was credited with many inspirational quotes, so I thought today I’d share a few of these with you dear reader.

So here are 15 quotes by Bruce Lee that will still inspire you today.

Quotes by Bruce Lee:

  1. As you think, so shall you become. ~Bruce Lee
  2. To hell with circumstances; I create opportunities. ~Bruce Lee
  3. Obey the principles without being bound by them. ~Bruce Lee
  4. Knowledge will give you power, but character respect. ~Bruce Lee
  5. Showing off is the fool’s idea of glory. ~Bruce Lee
  6. A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough. ~Bruce Lee
  7. Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them. ~Bruce Lee
  8. A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer. ~Bruce Lee
  9. If you love life, don’t waste time, for time is what life is made up of. ~Bruce Lee
  10. I fear not the man who has practised 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practised one kick 10,000 times. ~Bruce Lee
  11. To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person. ~Bruce Lee
  12. The possession of anything begins in the mind. ~Bruce Lee
  13. I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine. ~Bruce Lee
  14. Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it. ~Bruce Lee
  15. Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one’s potential. ~Bruce Lee

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Self-promotion and why it matters if you want success

Self-promotionThe idea of self-promotion is something with which many readers will feel slightly uncomfortable.

Perhaps it leaves you feeling a slight sense of unease dear reader; the idea of ‘blowing your own trumpet’ and making sure that others know all about what you have to offer?

By self-promotion, I am referring to personal visibility, particularly in the office or workplace.

Does personal visibility really matter that much, you may ask?

Well that depends on how you think about it really.

If you’re happy to plod along and just accept whatever life decides you should have then it probably doesn’t matter much at all.

However, if success is your aim or if you want to enjoy more of what life can offer then personal visibility is essential.

Think about it. If I don’t know you exist, how can you be a solution to my problem?

How can I possibly know what you have to offer unless I have some visibility of you in action?

And then, if you hide your light under a bushel, how can you build a reputation?

Let’s face it, if I don’t know you exist, then to me you don’t exist.

If success is your aim, then you have to be seen by people who matter and you must make an impression on them too. That’s important, like it or not.

People need a reason to remember you. So make sure you give them a reason to remember you.

Ideally, you want them to like and respect you. Even if people just love to hate you then that’s better than them being totally indifferent to you.

At least you’ll be known. You have to be visible. As the saying goes, ability without visibility is a liability. It is to you anyway.

The product that is ‘You’ will only sell if people are aware that it exists.

So self-promotion and personal public relations initiatives play an important role in building your reputation and creating a demand for what only you have to offer.

Humility is all very well but diffidence is at best unwise. You’ll never get anywhere unless you have visibility with the people that matter.

Think about the most successful people; people such as Barack Obama, Nelson Mandela, Donald Trump, Richard Branson, Elvis Presley and John Lennon. Sadly some of them are no longer with us. Nevertheless, the examples are still valid.

They all make or made an impression on you.

You may not like them but you cannot or could not ignore them. They all have or had that special quality known as presence. You couldn’t fail to notice them. They all have or had self-belief too.

So make sure you get yourself noticed. Stand out in the crowd and give people a reason to remember you.

And remember this old Arab Proverb; “Be memorable, Be known”.

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5 great quotes to inspire you to achieve more

Great QuotesSo dear reader, is achievement your aim? Perhaps you want to achieve more? Then here are 5 great quotes to inspire you to achieve more. Be inspired.

Great quotes:

  1. Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing. ~Vince Lombardi
  2. Gold medals aren’t really made of gold. They’re made of sweat, determination, and a hard-to-find alloy called guts. ~Dan Gable
  3. Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort. Franklin D. Roosevelt
  4. You can’t put a limit on anything. The more you dream, the farther you get. ~Michael Phelps
  5. I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. ~Michael Jordan

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