If you like telling your friends funny long jokes and you’re looking for some ammunition, then here are six good ones that should make your friends smile.
Funny long jokes:
1. A face at the window:
Bill and Bobby Joe were leaving their local bar one night after a session of heavy drinking.
They’re both staggering, and they fall into Bobby Joe’s station wagon, and he starts it up.
With the engine running and Bobby Joe still fumbling around in the driver’s seat, suddenly the face of an old man appears in the window on the passenger side, and he’s tapping lightly on the window.
It is pitch black out there, and being taken completely by surprise, naturally, this spooks Bill. So in reaction, he screams, “Oh my God, there’s a ghost!”
Well, Bill’s remark spooks Bobby Joe, too, so he puts his foot down and the station wagon begins to accelerate.
Bobby Joe can see the speedometer needle moving, and yet, the face of the old man remains there in the window.
So Bill lowers the window and says, “What do you want, old man?”
“You got any tobacco?” the old man asks, softly.
Bill offers him a cigarette, and then shouts, “Step on the gas, Bobby Joe, and let’s get the hell out of here!”
Well, the speedometer on the station wagon is approaching 80, and Bobby Joe looks at it and says, “We’ll be fine, he can’t catch us now.”
Suddenly, they hear the tapping on the window again, and it’s the same old man.
So, Bill rolls down the window once again and says, “What is it now?”
“Have you got a light?” the old man asks, politely.
Bill lights the man’s cigarette and then shouts, “Bobby Joe, step on it!”
So, Bobby Joe presses the accelerator hard down to the floor and watches as the speedometer exceeds 100 miles per hour.
Once again, Bobby Joe remarks, “We’ll be fine, Bill; he can’t catch us now.”
Well, a minute or two passes, and they hear that tapping on the window again.
Bill lowers the window and screams, “What the hell is it now, old man?”
“Your wheels are still spinning in the mud,” the old man responds softly, pointing to the rear of the vehicle.
2. The stakeout:
Rookie police officer Jim Smith has been assigned the role of staking out a local bar one night, watching out for potential DUI violations.
As the evening draws to a close, he watches as one young man staggers out of the bar and tries his keys in five different cars before finding his own.
The young man fumbles for a few minutes, as Officer Smith keeps an Eagle eye on him, and eventually, the car door opens, and the young man falls into the driver’s seat.
Officer Smith watches the young man like a hawk, waiting to pounce, as other patrons start leaving the bar and driving off in their cars.
Eventually, the young man gets his car started and attempts to drive away.
At that point, Officer Smith makes his move and pulls him over.
“Sir, I must caution you that I suspect you’re driving under the influence and I need you to blow into this breathalyzer for me, please,” Officer Smith says politely but very firmly.
The young man does as requested and then hands the breathalyzer back to Officer Smith for checking.
Officer Smith looks closely at the blood-alcohol content score, and it measures zero.
Officer Smith is puzzled by this outcome and demands to know what’s going on.
The young man smiles and says, “Sir, tonight it was my turn as designated decoy.”
3. The black bear:
A big black bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“I’m sorry,” the bartender responds, “but we don’t serve beer to bears in this bar. That’s our policy.“
Well, the bear is not amused. It rears back a little and then growls, “I don’t care about your policy. I’m a bear, and I want a beer.”
The bartender remains calm, smiles, and then replies, “I get it, you’re not happy, but as I said, we don’t serve beer to bears in this bar.”
The bear stands up at full height, raises its massive paws and howls, “I’m a bear, and I want a beer! And if I don’t get me a beer now, I will eat one of your customers.“
The bartender remains unfazed by the situation. He just smiles and says, “Listen, buddy, do whatever you gotta do, but I won’t be serving you a beer.”
So, the bear walks down to the end of the bar, grabs a gin-soaked, drunken lady sitting at the counter, and greedily eats her.
Once he’s finished eating her, he returns to face the bartender, looks him in the eye and declares, “Right, you’ve seen what I can do. I’m a bear, and I want a beer.“
The bartender is still unfazed.
“Listen, buddy,” he says, “I’ve told you already, we don’t serve beer to bears in this bar. And for that matter, we don’t serve drug addicts either.”
“DRUG ADDICT!” the bear roars, “What the hell are you talking about?”
The bartender looks the bear in the eye and says, “That was a bar-bitch-you-ate.”
4. The challenge:
Jerry was an Iron Man champion who also owned a bar just off the Las Vegas Strip.
Everyone in town knew that Jerry was the strongest man around, and knowing that visitors to Las Vegas liked a bet, he used that to his advantage in attracting people into his bar.
On the counter, there was a big sign headlined Challenge Jerry. In the small print, it explained that the bet was that anyone who could beat Jerry in a strongman challenge could win $1,000. The cost of the bet was $10.
In the challenge, Jerry would squeeze the juice from an orange into a glass. Once Jerry had squeezed the life out of the orange, challengers had to take the orange and see if they could squeeze any more juice from it.
Over the years, truck drivers, lumberjacks, weightlifters and all sorts of tough guys had tried to beat Jerry in this challenge, so far, but no one had ever got the better of him.
One day, a small, thin, weak-looking, middle-aged man with thinning hair and heavy-rimmed spectacles walked into the bar, slapped a $10 bill on the counter and said that he was willing to take up the challenge.
Everyone in the bar started laughing at the idea that this weak-looking, little man would have any chance of beating Jerry and walking out with the $1,000.
Jerry smiled at the man, picked up the $10 and said, “OK, Buddy, you’ve got yourself a bet.”
He then picks up one of California’s finest and squeezes the juice out of it until the glass is almost full. What remained of the orange was then handed to the challenger.
The little man focused momentarily and then started squeezing as hard as he could with both hands. To everyone’s amazement, within seconds, half a dozen drops of juice dripped into the glass.
Jerry congratulated the man on his success and handed him $1,000.
“I’m impressed,” said Jerry. “What do you do for a living, buddy? I’m guessing you must be a lumberjack?”
“Oh no,” the man responded. “I work for the IRS.”
5. The DEA Agent:
Steve McShane is an agent with the Drug Enforcement Agency based in Arizona, and he’s had a tip-off that a farmer near Scottsdale is growing marijuana in one of his fields.
So McShane shows up at the farm one day unannounced and says to the farmer, “Hey buddy, I’m from the DEA, and I’ve got a warrant to search your farm, as we suspect you of growing illegal narcotics.”
“Really!” the farmer says, a little surprised, “I don’t know where you got that idea, but I guess I’ve got no choice but to let you do whatever you’ve got to do. However, I must warn you, DO NOT go in the backfield.”
Well, McShane is a little put out by this last comment, so he pulls out his badge and says to the farmer, “Now listen, old man, do you see this badge? Take a good look at it, buddy. This badge says I’m with the DEA. And with this badge, I’ve got access to all areas. Do you hear what I’m sayin’? No one or nothing can stop me. You got that?”
“Yes, sir!” said the farmer.
With that, Steve McShane heads straight for the backfield, believing the farmer’s comment was an attempt to deflect him from looking in the place where the marijuana is being grown.
Within minutes, the farmer sees the DEA man running as though his life depended on it. And it did, as McShane was being chased by the biggest, meanest, fastest bull you’ve ever seen.
As the bull closes on him, McShane screams at the farmer for help.
“SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!” shouts the farmer. “Just tell him it gives you access to all areas.”
6. Spelling Test:
Beryl’s married life had not been a happy one, and sadly, one day, she passed away.
Suddenly, she finds herself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.
“Hello, Beryl,” St Peter says warmly. “You’ve done your best to lead a good and decent life, I know, so all I need is for you to spell one word correctly and you’ll be admitted to the kingdom of Heaven.”
“Right!” said Beryl. “And what word do I need to spell?”
“That word is love, Beryl,” St Peter responds. “Can you spell it for me?”
“Yes, of course,” said Beryl. “It’s L O V E.”
“Well done,” St Peter responds, “and welcome to the kingdom of Heaven.”
Beryl quickly settles into life in Heaven and finds a new sense of purpose in helping St Peter with his many duties.
St Peter begins to rely on her so much that one day, when he’s very busy, he asks her to deputise for him at the Pearly Gates, checking new arrivals.
As luck would have it, Beryl’s husband appears at the Pearly Gates whilst she’s on duty.
“Oh, it’s you,” says Beryl. “Well, I’ve got to tell you that you won’t be admitted to Heaven unless you can spell one word correctly for me. And you only get one chance to spell it perfectly.”
“Right!” says her husband. “And what word do I need to spell for you?”
“Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu,” Beryl responds, smiling brightly.
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