Roy Sutton

3 seriously funny jokes that are guaranteed to tickle you

06/07/2020 by Roy Sutton

If you’re searching for some seriously funny jokes dear reader then I’ve got three here just for you which I’m sure will make you laugh.

They all made me laugh, so I hope you enjoy them too.

Here are 3 seriously funny jokes:

1. Bell ringer wanted:

Quasimodo placed an advert in the local newspaper for an assistant bell ringer.

Unfortunately there was just one applicant for the job. What was even more unfortunate was that the man applying for the job had no arms.

Quasimodo looked him up and down and then asked quizzically, “How will you be able to do what will be required of you?”

“Let me show you,” said the man, who then proceeded to run at the bell and strike it with his head.

“Well, that’s really incredible!” exclaimed an astonished Quasimodo. “Could you show me that again?”

“Sure I can,” said the man, and once again he ran at the bell but this time he missed and fell straight out of the bell tower to his death on the ground below.

A crowd gathered around the corpse lying on the ground. A police officer quickly appeared on the scene and asked, “Can anyone identify this poor man?”

Quasimodo responded, “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”

2. Mrs Kelly’s parrot:

Father Malone was new to his Brooklyn parish, and he was visiting one of his parishioners, a little old lady.

Sitting in her living room with a cup of tea, he looked around and noticed she had a pet parrot, which had ribbons tied to each leg.

Father Malone looked for a moment and then he politely enquired, “Mrs Kelly, why does your parrot have ribbons tied to its legs?”

Mrs Kelly smiled and said, “Well believe or not father, if I pull the left ribbon he’ll sing ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’, and if I pull the right one he’ll sing, ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ for me.”

“Really? That’s impressive Mrs Kelly,” responded the priest. “And what happens if you pull both ribbons together?”

“I’ll fall off the bloody perch!” said the parrot.

3. The tap-dancing duck:

A circus owner walked into a bar in Wyoming where everyone inside was crowded around one table.

In the middle of this table was an upturned flower pot with a duck tap dancing on top of it.

Everyone was cheering at the duck’s antics and the circus owner, having a good nose for a crowd-pleaser, thought this was an attraction he should grab with both hands. So immediately he bought both the duck and the flower pot from the bar’s owner for $1,000.

He took the duck back to his circus and promoted his new attraction heavily. Well, it wasn’t long before people were coming from miles around eager to catch a glimpse of the tap-dancing duck.

Sadly there was widespread disappointment because the duck simply refused to perform. It wouldn’t dance a single step.

Naturally, the circus owner was angry and he returned to the bar immediately with the duck to complain to the man who sold it to him, the bar’s owner.

“This duck’s a fraud,” complained the circus owner, “He won’t dance a single step for me!”

“That’s very odd,” said the bar owner. “Did you remember to light the candle under the flower pot?”

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So dear reader, were these seriously funny jokes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

21 thought-provoking quotes that will inspire you

06/06/2020 by Roy Sutton

Quotes that will inspire you:

Stop underestimating yourself. ~Michael Josephson
Every artist was first an amateur. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. ~Agatha Christie
Whoever is happy will make others happy, too. ~Mark Twain
You are what you think about all day long. ~Dr Robert Schuller
Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. ~Henry Ford
It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. ~E.E. Cummings
Do not let what you cannot do; interfere with what you can do. ~John Wooden
The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. ~Steve Jobs
The biggest mistake people make in life is not trying to make a living at doing what they most enjoy. ~Malcolm Forbes
The most important thing is to be whatever you are without shame. ~Rod Steiger
That’s precisely the question everyone should be asking—why the hell not? Why not you, why not now? ~Timothy Ferriss
Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit. ~Conrad Hilton
The quality of a person’s life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavour. ~Vince Lombardi
Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome. ~Samuel Johnson
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. ~Dale Carnegie
You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. ~Christopher Columbus
Use what talents you possess. The woods will be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best. ~Henry Van Dyke
Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive. ~Howard Thurman
Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. ~Mother Teresa
One of the tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon, instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. ~Dale Carnegie

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10 short inspirational quotes to increase your motivation

06/05/2020 by Roy Sutton

Do you have a problem getting enthusiastic about what you’re doing? Here are 10 short inspirational quotes to help you increase your motivation.

Short inspirational quotes:

Use those talents you have. You will make it. You will give joy to the world. Take this tip from nature: The woods would be a very silent place if no birds sang except those who sang best. ~Bernard Meltzer
The mind is for seeing, the heart is for hearing. ~Arab Proverb
I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. ~Bill Cosby
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate. ~George Burns
If you want to achieve things in life, you’ve just got to do them, and if you’re talented and smart, you’ll succeed. ~Juliana Hatfield
You have the same number of hours in the day as everyone else. What you accomplish depends on how wisely they are used. ~Roy Sutton
You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. ~Bernard Meltzer
Making a hundred friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a single friend who will stand by your side even when hundreds are against you. ~Author Unknown
True love isn’t about being inseparable; it’s about two people being true to each other even when they are separated. ~Author Unknown
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. ~Mark Twain

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15 Quotes by Marcus Aurelius

06/04/2020 by Roy Sutton

Marcus Aurelius was a Roman emperor who ruled jointly with Lucius Verus and then later with his son, Commodus. He was the last of the so-called Five Good Emperors.

Marcus Aurelius was a practitioner of Stoicism and his untitled writing, commonly known as Meditations, is regarded as a significant source of our modern understanding of ancient Stoic philosophy.

It is considered by many commentators to be one of the greatest works of philosophy.

Here are 15 quotes by Marcus Aurelius which will provide some insight into his own personal philosophy.

Quotes by Marcus Aurelius:

Each day provides its own gifts. ~Marcus Aurelius
Our life is what our thoughts make it. ~Marcus Aurelius
A man’s worth is no greater than his ambitions. ~Marcus Aurelius
The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing. ~Marcus Aurelius
Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears. ~Marcus Aurelius
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. ~Marcus Aurelius
When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love. ~Marcus Aurelius
It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live. ~Marcus Aurelius
Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one. ~Marcus Aurelius
Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart. ~Marcus Aurelius
You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength. ~Marcus Aurelius
That which is not good for the bee-hive cannot be good for the bees. ~Marcus Aurelius
The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane. ~Marcus Aurelius
He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe. ~Marcus Aurelius
The only wealth which you will keep forever is the wealth you have given away. ~Marcus Aurelius

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21 silly jokes guaranteed to make your kids smile

06/03/2020 by Roy Sutton

Kids love silly jokes and quite a few adults do too, including me. Whenever I hear silly jokes I always make a note of them in my journal. Well, they’re always useful for breaking the ice at a dinner parties, if nothing else.

Anyway, today I thought I’d trawl through my journal and put together a collection of some of the best silly jokes just for you dear reader and I hope you enjoy them all.

Certainly I did, both the first time around and on reviewing them now.

Yes, they’re all very silly but they’re guaranteed to make your kids smile.

Silly Jokes:

Why did the ant elope?
Nobody gnu

Why do skunks argue?
They like to kick up a stink

How do you arrest a pig?
Put it in ham cuffs

Why do horses look sad?
They have long faces

Why do coyotes call at night?
The rates are cheaper

What animal never gets wet?
An umbrellephant

What makes a chicken blush?
Henbarrassment

In what key does a cow sing?
Beef flat

Why don’t anteaters get sick?
They’re full of antibodies

How do rodents keep their breath fresh?
Using mousewash

What did the parrot say to the spaniel?
I’m a cocker too

How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, Hubble, Hubble

Why are giraffes brave?
Because they’re always sticking their next out

How many skunks does it take to stink out a room?
A phew

How does a dolphin make a decision?
Flipper coin

How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?
You get a buzzy tone

What’s even better than the cat’s whiskers?
The bee’s knees

What happened when two American stoats got married?
They became the United Stoats of America

What do you get from a chicken who’s been drinking whisky?
Scotch eggs

What’s goes through a fly’s mind on impact with your windscreen?
Its ass

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

19 Best Homer Simpson quotes that’ll make you smile

06/02/2020 by Roy Sutton

These have got to be 19 of the very best Homer Simpson quotes and I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two with readers.

I love the Simpson’s and, in particular, Homer Simpson’s philosophy on life never fails to get me laughing out loud. So today I thought I’d take a look back at some of his most memorable quotes.

If you like the Simpson’s then I’m sure you too will enjoy looking back at Homer’s words of wisdom.

Enjoy them all.

Best Homer Simpson quotes:

Trying is the first step towards failure.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
I never apologize. I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.
Marge, you know it’s rude to talk when my mouth is full.
Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.
Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
The problem in the world today is communication; too much communication.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do?
Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals; except the weasel.
Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

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Thank you.

31 quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

06/01/2020 by Roy Sutton

Today I thought it might be amusing to look back at some of the many memorable quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you’re not familiar with this sitcom, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a very funny comedy starring Larry David, playing a fictionalized version of himself. Essentially the series follows Larry in his life as a semi-retired television writer and producer in his attempt to deal with life’s frustrations and quirks.

There are plenty of Curb Your Enthusiasm clips on YouTube if you want to check out this comedy, and that’s well worth doing when you have a little free time.

So go ahead and take a look, but not before you’ve enjoyed these memorable quotes now.

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm:

I’m yelling for society.
I find human contact repulsive.
Can I apologise for the apology?
I’m married. I can wear whatever I want.
By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?
I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.
Hey, mind your own business. How about that?
I’ve got ideas, but I choose not to carry them out.
I always think of nice things, but I never act on them.
It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.
Why does everybody have to have pictures of everything?
I’m feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.”
Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?
We’re fighting because you’re a moron. That’s why we’re fighting.
I’m sorry if you’re offended. I don’t think I said anything offensive.
You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
I don’t like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.
Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
He wanted to stop and chat with me, and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat.
Can I tell you something about apricots? 1 in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.
A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
Nobody likes a tattle-tale, NOBODY! So go ahead and squeal and you’ll end up in HELL! OKAY!
You can put my colon up next to your colon; we’ll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.
What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?
It’s completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career’s been based on being unprofessional.
An employee is told that the customer’s always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.
You’re nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.
I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbours. The thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things. Neighbours want your time.
I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out ‘Watch out!’ and she said ‘Don’t you tell me what to do!’
You know what? Never mind, alright! I-I’ll take my liver out! I’ll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!
You know what it is? You’re always attracted to someone who doesn’t want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn’t want you; doesn’t even acknowledge your right to exist; wants your destruction! That’s a turn-on.

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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5 truly inspirational quotes worthy of a moment’s reflection

05/31/2020 by Roy Sutton

Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don’t have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don’t want to. ~Lao-Tzu.

Time is not something you FIND or MAKE. The clock and the calendar move on at their own pace with or without you. Your choice is how you use it. ~Michael Josephson

Sometimes life doesn’t turn out how you had expected or hoped. That doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t be happy. If you don’t limit yourself to your first version of your life there is always a bright future ahead. If you believe that the best is yet to come you will be right. ~Michael Josephson

Doing what you like is FUN. Doing what you love is HAPPINESS. Doing what you want is FREEDOM. Doing what you say is INTEGRITY. Doing what you can is SERVICE. Doing what you must is DUTY. Doing what you should is CHARACTER. ~Michael Josephson

It is not enough to exist, you must LIVE. It is not enough to survive, you must THRIVE. It is not enough to care, you must COMMIT. It is not enough to seek success, you must seek SIGNIFICANCE. It is not enough to live long, you must LIVE WELL. ~Michael Josephson

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13 quotes to inspire you to be better than you are

05/30/2020 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for a little inspiration dear reader then you’re not alone. We could all use a little inspiration occasionally.

I’m inspired by quotes from great thinkers and opinion formers. So I start each day spending a few minutes thumbing through the quotes books in my library.

Here are some of the best quotes to inspire that I came across this morning. Enjoy them all.

Quotes to inspire:

If you’ve learned how to disagree without being disagreeable, then you’ve discovered the secret of getting along, whether it be business, family relations or life itself. ~Bernard Meltzer
Most people give up just when they’re about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game one foot from a winning touchdown. ~Ross Perot
Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. ~Booker T. Washington
The toughest thing about success is that you’ve got to keep on being a success. ~Irving Berlin
The man who has done his level best is a success, even though the world may write him down a failure. ~BC Forbes
Life is too short to waste it doing nothing. Make every day count! ~Author Unknown
Self-pity is a losing strategy. It repels others and weakens you. ~Michael Josephson
What we’ve done for ourselves dies with us; what we’ve done for others and the world remains and is immortal. ~Albert Pike
One of the deep secrets of life is that all that is really worth doing is what we do for others. ~Lewis Carroll
The purpose of education is to replace an empty mind with an open one. ~Malcolm Forbes
When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, never give up then, for that is just the time that the tide will turn. ~Harriet Beecher Stowe
People take different roads seeking fulfilment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost. ~Dalai Lama
Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment. ~Ralph Marston

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Thank you.

10 silly jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

05/29/2020 by Roy Sutton

Here are some silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh.

There’s nothing smutty here, just genuinely good fun.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy a good laugh.

Silly jokes:

What do you call zombies in the belfry?
Dead ringers

What’s it called when you borrow money to buy a bison?
A buffaloan

What do you call a rotten hot dog?
A rankfurter

What do you call a hippy’s wife?
Mississippi

What do you call a ghost who only haunts the town hall?
The nightmayor

What do you call a dance for people who hate each other?
An avoidance

What do you call an American sketch drawing?
A Yankee doodle

What do you call a goat that’s a professional comedian?
Billy the Kid

What do you call an ancient Egyptian ruler with no teeth?
A gummy mummy

What do you call a blonde police officer?
A fair cop

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Here are 3 seriously funny jokes:

1. Bell ringer wanted:

2. Mrs Kelly’s parrot:

3. The tap-dancing duck:

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Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

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Short inspirational quotes:

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Quotes by Marcus Aurelius:

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Silly Jokes:

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Best Homer Simpson quotes:

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Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm:

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