7 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today or any day

02/24/2026 by
7 FUNNIEST JOKES

If you’ve been searching for the funniest jokes, then I’m sure you’ll enjoy the seven I have on offer here. They all made me laugh, and I hope you enjoy them. too, dear reader.

And if you do enjoy them, don’t forget to pass them on. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So, thank you.

FUNNIEST JOKES
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Funniest Jokes:

1. Fred & Ginger dining out:

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining out in a very swanky, five-star New York City hotel, and they’d both made a point of dressing for the occasion.

Ginger looked absolutely stunning in her ball gown and diamond tiara, while Fred arrived in his trademark top hat, white tie and tails. They both looked like the million-dollar movie stars they were.

All was going well with dinner until they got to dessert. While serving dessert, the clumsy waiter managed to trip, and Fred was showered from head to toe in treacle pudding.

“Oh, I’m most terribly sorry, Mr Astaire,” said the waiter.

Fred was not amused. “So you ought to be,” he said angrily.

Fred sat there fuming as the waiter tried his best to assist.

“Look at the state of me now,” said Fred. “I’ve pudding on my top hat; pudding on my white tie; and pudding on my tails.”

2. Church on Sunday:

Leaving church one Sunday, Bernadette said to her husband Frank, “Do you think Mrs O’Shaughnessy is dying her hair?”

“To be honest, Bernadette, I didn’t even notice Mrs O’Shaughnessy,” Frank responded.

They walked together quietly for a few moments, and then Bernadette remarked, “Did you see that skirt Mrs Kilkenny was wearing? Now don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate for a 40-year-old mother of six.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t really notice Mrs Kilkenny either,” said Frank.

“Huh!” Bernadette responded dismissively. “A lot of good it does you going to church on Sundays.”

3. The protest:

An isolated monastery was inhabited by an order of monks who communicated with each other solely by chanting.

Every morning, they would gather in the chapel, and the abbot would chant, “Good morning, assembled brethren.”

In response, the monks would chant, “Good morning, Father Abbot.”

However, one morning, a disgruntled monk decided to make his point by chanting, “Good evening, Father Abbot.”

The abbot was not amused, and he glared at the assembled monks before he said, “Someone chanted evening.”

4. Dogs and cats:

A German Shepherd dog, a Doberman, and a cat all die on the same day, and they find themselves at the Pearly Gates facing God’s judgment.

God is seated on a golden throne, and he asks each in turn what they believe in.

The German shepherd answers by saying, “Dear God, I’m a firm believer in discipline and loyalty to my master.”

“That’s excellent,” said God, “you may sit here at my right side.”

“So, Doberman,” says God, “what is your response to my question?”

The Doberman reflects on the question momentarily and then says, “Dear God, I believe in love, care and the protection of my master and his family.“

“That’s very good,” said God, “you may sit here at my left side.”

God then looks at the cat, smiles, and then says, “So, my feline friend, what is it you believe?”

A moment or two passes before the cat looks at God nonchalantly and then says, “I believe you’re sitting in my chair.“

5. The will reading:

A lawyer was reading out the will of a wealthy man to his family and everyone mentioned in the document.

“To my loving wife Mary, my rock, and without whom my life would have been very different, I leave the mansion in Bel-Air and $20 million,” the lawyer read out loud.

He paused momentarily for his audience to digest this information, and then he continued reading.

“To my darling daughter Louisa, who supported me so much when my health began to fail and never once complained, I leave my business, my yacht, and $1 million,” said the lawyer.

Again, he paused momentarily to allow this information to sink in.

The lawyer then continued reading the final section of the will, “And to my brother Neville, who argued with me constantly, hated my guts, and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Neville!”

6. Engine trouble:

While cruising at 35,000 feet, the aircraft suddenly shuddered violently.

One passenger looked out of the window and then shouted, “Oh my God! One of the engines has just blown up.”

The passengers were white with fear when moments later the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as an engine on the opposite side exploded.

Passengers started to panic, and the cabin crew struggled to keep order.

However, just then, the captain strode confidently from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing about which they should be alarmed.

Reassured by the captain’s calm manner, passengers returned to their seats, and he coolly walked over to the aircraft’s door.

He then grabbed several packages from under the seats near the door and started handing them to the rest of the crew.

Crew members immediately fastened these packages to their backs.

One observant passenger said, “Hey, aren’t they parachutes?”

“Yes,” said the captain.

“But you said there was no need to be alarmed,” the passenger responded.

“There isn’t,” replied the captain as a third engine suddenly exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

7. Cashflow problem at the zoo:

A zoo was experiencing serious cash flow problems due to visitor numbers falling.

The zoo’s management got together to discuss how they could reverse the trend by introducing a major attraction.

Following the meeting, the manager persuaded a visitor, who was a very big, stocky man, to take a job dressing up in a gorilla costume and masquerading as a great ape.

This deception worked well as the man really threw himself into the role with enthusiasm, devouring buckets of bananas, swinging from branches, pacing his cage menacingly, beating his chest and roaring loudly.

However, one day he went a bit too far, and he accidentally fell into the lion’s enclosure next door.

Panicking, the bogus gorilla started shouting, “Help! Help!”

The lion let out a tremendous roar and then rushed at him. He put his paw on the bogus gorilla’s chest and growled, “Shut up, buddy, or we’ll both lose our jobs!”

Phil Sutton

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45 Quotes by Napoleon Hill to inspire you to personal success

02/24/2026 by

Although in modern times he’s become a more controversial figure, today I want to explore some quotes by Napoleon Hill. Regardless of any controversy, he’s a man whose written work I admire.

Oliver Napoleon Hill, to give him his full name, was an American self-help author. He is probably best known for his book Think and Grow Rich, which is among the 10 best-selling self-help books of all time and remains essential reading to this day, in my opinion.

Essentially, Napoleon Hill’s written work insists that impassioned expectations are essential to improving one’s life. That is, they suggest the need for a burning desire to improve one’s lot in life. Most of his books expound on these underlying principles for achieving success.

So let’s take a look at some of his many quotes. I found them inspiring, so I hope you will too.

Enjoy them all, and feel free to share them with your friends.

Quotes by Napoleon Hill
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Quotes by Napoleon Hill (1-20):

  1. You give before you get.
  2. A goal is a dream with a deadline.
  3. Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.
  4. Money without brains is always dangerous.
  5. Fears are nothing more than a state of mind.
  6. Ideas are the beginning points of all fortunes.
  7. The starting point of all achievement is desire.
  8. There is no such thing as something for nothing.
  9. Happiness is found in doing, not merely possessing.
  10. Your big opportunity may be right where you are now.
  11. If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self.
  12. If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.
  13. What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
  14. Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit.
  15. Everyone enjoys doing the kind of work for which he is best suited.
  16. No man can succeed in a line of endeavour that he does not like.
  17. There are no limitations to the mind except those we acknowledge.
  18. All achievements, all earned riches, have their beginning in an idea.
  19. It takes half your life before you discover life is a do-it-yourself project.
  20. Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.

Quotes by Napoleon Hill (21-30):

  1. Big pay and little responsibility are circumstances seldom found together.
  2. You might well remember that nothing can bring you success but yourself.
  3. Education comes from within; you get it by struggle and effort and thought.
  4. Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat.
  5. The man who does more than he is paid for will soon be paid for more than he does.
  6. Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success.
  7. It is literally true that you can succeed best and quickest by helping others to succeed.
  8. More gold has been mined from the thoughts of men than has been taken from the earth.
  9. You don’t have to fear defeat if you believe it may reveal powers that you didn’t know you possessed.
  10. Edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light. Do not be discouraged if you fail a few times.

Quotes by Napoleon Hill (31-40):

  1. The world has the habit of making room for the man whose actions show that he knows where he is going.
  2. Wise men, when in doubt about whether to speak or to keep quiet, give themselves the benefit of the doubt, and remain silent.
  3. Nature cannot be tricked or cheated. She will give up to you the object of your struggles only after you have paid her price.
  4. Create a definite plan for carrying out your desire and begin at once, whether you’re ready or not, to put this plan into action.
  5. Until you have learned to be tolerant of those who do not always agree with you, you will be neither successful nor happy.
  6. Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.
  7. Reduce your plan to writing. The moment you complete this, you will have definitely given concrete form to the intangible desire.
  8. Until you have formed the habit of looking for the good instead of the bad there is in others, you will be neither successful nor happy.
  9. The battle is all over except for the ‘shouting’ when one knows what is wanted and has made up his mind to get it, whatever the price may be.
  10. Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.

Quotes by Napoleon Hill (41-45):

  1. Until you have cultivated the habit of saying some kind word of those whom you do not admire, you will be neither successful nor happy.
  2. There is one quality which one must possess to win, and that is definiteness of purpose, the knowledge of what one wants, and a burning desire to possess it.
  3. You can start right where you stand and apply the habit of going the extra mile by rendering more service and better service than you are now being paid for.
  4. Success in its highest and noblest form calls for peace of mind and enjoyment and happiness which come only to the man who has found the work that he likes best.
  5. It has always been my belief that a man should do his best, regardless of how much he receives for his services, the number of people he may be serving or the class of people served.
Phil Sutton

Think and Grow Rich:

Napoleon Hill’s book Think and Grow Rich reveals the money-making secrets of hundreds of America’s most affluent people.

The underlying message in the book is that by thinking like them, you can become wealthy like them, and the book offers a 13-step program that will set you on the path to wealth and success.

According to Hill, the magic formula for making money never changes, and he has certainly inspired many people to pursue personal wealth successfully.

If you aim to become successful and wealthy, then I recommend you read Think and Grow Rich.

It’s still available, and you can check it out on Amazon.

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40 funny quick jokes you’ll just love

02/24/2026 by

If you’re looking for some funny quick jokes, then take a look at the 40. I’ve put together for you today. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of laughs here.

Enjoy them all.

And feel free to pass them on.

funny quick jokes
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Funny quick jokes (1-10):

  1. I quit my job making soles for shoes. It was a bit of a treadmill.
  2. Jane and Bill were getting divorced. Naturally, they split the house. Bill got the outside.
  3. Bob’s wife opened the car door for him. He’d have considered it a nice gesture if they’d not been travelling at 70 mph.
  4. If I win the lottery, I promise you that no one around me will be poor. I’ll move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
  5. A Mexican magician said he’d disappear at the count of three. Uno … dos, then poof! He disappeared without a tres.
  6. A male fly notices an attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cow manure. In an attempt to impress her, the male fly said, “Excuse me, beautiful, is that stool taken?”
  7. A woman was up in court for attacking her boyfriend with two guitars. “First offender?” The judge inquired. “No, your honour,” said her counsel, “the first was a Gibson. The second was a Fender.”
  8. I hate it when people’s grammar is so poor that they mix up there, their and they’re. So now I just tell them, weather they like it or not.
  9. What have I learned from studying cows, buffalos, and elephants? Well, for a start, it’s impossible to reduce weight just by eating grass, salads, and walking.
  10. I found something in my wardrobe that I hadn’t worn since graduation. Amazingly, it still fits me. Well, it was only my college scarf, but I like to look for the positives.

Funny quick jokes (11-20):

  1. Are donuts classified as hole food?
  2. Plagiarism is just getting into trouble for something you didn’t do.
  3. When I was young, I was poor. However, after years of hard but honest work, I’m no longer young.
  4. I went for my annual physical, and my physician said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I said, “You mean like burgers, bacon, that sort of thing?” To which he responded, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”
  5. My son came home and said there would be a small get-together at his school tomorrow. “How small?” I asked. “Well,” he responded, “it’s just you, me, and the principal.”
  6. Was it just me, growing up, or did anyone else believe that Hugh Rynal invented the public convenience?
  7. Wife: I have blisters on my hands from that broom. Husband: Why didn’t you just use the car?
  8. I’ve been fired from my job as a masseur. My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
  9. I went to see a psychiatrist today, and she told me I had a split personality. Then she charged me $160. So, I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
  10. If a runner was accidentally shot with a starting pistol, would that be classified as race-related?

Funny quick jokes (21-30):

  1. If you need an ark, then I Noah guy.
  2. How can a door be a door if it’s ajar?
  3. Avoid dangerous cults. Practise safe sects.
  4. Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
  5. To some people, marriage is a word, to others, it’s a sentence.
  6. I’ve heard that the company that makes yardsticks is not making them any longer.
  7. Did you know that before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home?
  8. If a cow doesn’t produce milk, does that make it a milk dud or an udder failure?
  9. I’m told that it’s not a good idea to play tennis with a cymbal. It makes a terrible racket.
  10. A farmer was milking his best cow and had a good rhythm going when suddenly a fly flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until suddenly the fly squirted out into the bucket. He then realised that the cow had gone in one ear and out the udder.

Funny quick jokes (31-40):

  1. Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B Back.
  2. If I drink holy water with a laxative, would that start a religious movement?
  3. Believe it or not, my friend speaks to his garden. Yes, Jack and the Beans talk.
  4. There’s one thing you can be sure of, laxatives will give you a good run for your money.
  5. Have you heard about the guy who fell into a glass lens-making machine and made a spectacle of himself?
  6. As I was getting ready for bed, she said, “You’re drunk!” So I said, “How do you know?” And she said, “Because you live next door.”
  7. A guy walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees and gives them to him. “Surely that’s too many,” says the guy. “No,” says the clerk. “I’ve given you a freebie.”
  8. I pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt. Judging by the reaction of the guy asleep next to me on the bus, it must have been very painful.
  9. I saw a guy stacking shelves at Walmart complaining because the top shelf was broken and he couldn’t keep it up. He told me he had wrecked aisle dysfunction.
  10. The difference in meaning between the words ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished’ can be somewhat unclear. Fortunately at a linguistic conference recently a speaker offered some clarity when he said, “When a man marries the right woman he will be complete. If he marries the wrong woman he will be finished. And should the right woman catch him fooling around with the wrong woman, he will be completely finished.”
Phil Sutton

Please share this post with your friends:

I hope you enjoyed these funny quick jokes, dear reader, and I hope at least some of them made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post, then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, surely everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

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6 witty jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

02/24/2026 by

If you’re looking for some witty jokes that will make you laugh, then I’ve got six good ones here for you to enjoy today. Enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

Witty Jokes
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Witty Jokes:

1. Rumblings in the night:

Bob was an American businessman on his first trip to London. He was really excited about the trip because he’d been invited to stay in a large stately home by the wealthy aristocratic family with whom he was doing business.

He was shown his room by his host, and he couldn’t help but be seriously impressed. The room was very grand and spacious, with a wonderful view. It also had an enormous wardrobe and a fabulous en-suite bathroom.

After a large evening meal and quite a few drinks with his host, Bob staggered back to his room late, feeling jet-lagged and a little tipsy, and immediately fell on his bed, still in his business suit. He was sound asleep within seconds. 

However, at about 4 a.m., Bob was awakened suddenly by an urgent feeling that an uncontrollable bowel movement was imminent. The intestinal pressure was such that he realised he needed to move fast.

Despite feeling a little disoriented, he jumped off his bed in a flash, but there was no time to switch on the lights. 

He could barely get to the bathroom quickly enough. Struggling to get his trousers down, he burst through the door and probed around with his hands in the dark, trying to locate the toilet.

However, his bowels couldn’t contain the pressure any longer, and a foul-smelling intestinal load was dumped uncontrollably on the floor.

His brain struggled to come to terms with his surroundings and what had just happened.  Well, he thought, at least it couldn’t get any worse.

Then he realised that he was standing in the walk-in wardrobe. 

2. Presence of mind:

Jim’s wife accused him of hating all her family and relatives.

“Now, that’s not true,” said Jim.

“Then give me an example of a relative of mine that you actually like,” his wife, Jane, responded.

“Well, for a start, I like your mother-in-law much more than I like mine,” said Jim.  

3. Unintended consequences:

Rick’s wealthy father was in such poor health that he had no more than a couple of months to live.

Recognizing that he would soon inherit his father’s fortune, Rick decided it was time for him to find himself a good woman with whom he could enjoy a wealthy lifestyle.

So, one evening, he visited a singles bar, where he immediately spotted a very beautiful woman sitting alone at a table in the corner.

This woman was truly stunning, and Rick couldn’t help being mesmerised by her beauty.

He walked over to her table and said, “Mam, I may not be the best-looking guy in this bar, but within a few months I will inherit a $100 million fortune, as sadly, my wealthy father’s dying.”

The woman was so impressed that she went home with Rick that evening.

Two weeks later, she became Rick’s stepmother.

Moral of the story: You underestimate women at your peril.

4. The ageing mind:

An old man named Bill realised that he needed to use the toilet.

So he got up and walked across the house to the pantry.

He couldn’t remember why he’d gone to the pantry, but he did remember that he needed to go to the toilet.

So he walked back across the house to the bathroom.

As he sat down on the throne, only then did he remember why he’d gone to the pantry.

Toilet paper!

5. How many wives:

Two little boys, Tim and Jerry, were at a wedding when Tim asked Jerry, “How many wives can a man have?”

To which Jerry responded, “Sixteen!”

 “Sixteen?” Tim asked. “How did you work that out?”

“Well,” said Jerry, “the priest has just said, four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer. So four times four is sixteen.”

6. Lateral thinking:

Four old high school buddies were on a road trip, staying in motels along the way. Naturally, to keep the cost down, they’d just book two rooms and then share.

The problem was, no one wanted to share with Bob because they all knew he snored so loudly.

To make it fair, Tom, Dick and Harry agreed that they would take it in turns to spend the night in a room with Bob.

On the first night, Tom shared the room with Bob.

The following morning Tom arrived at breakfast, looking completely shattered.

“What happened to you?” asked Dick.

“Oh, it was awful,” said Tom. “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up all night and watched him.”

The next night it was Dick’s turn to share with Bob.

The following morning Dick arrived at breakfast looking tired, and his eyes were all bloodshot.

“Man, you look shattered,” said Tom. “I’m guessing Bob was making a lot of noise in the night?”

“Jeez,” said Dick, “He was making enough noise to wake the dead. I was awake all night just watching him.”

On the third night, it was Harry’s turn to share with Bob.

Harry was a wily old cowboy and a real man’s man. 

The next morning Harry arrived at breakfast looking bright-eyed, fresh, and well-rested. 

“Good morning guys,” said Harry.

Tom and Dick couldn’t believe their eyes.

“How did you manage to sleep?” asked Tom.

“Well,” said Harry, “we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Bob in, then I kissed him goodnight. And he sat up all night watching me.”

Phil Sutton

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoy witty jokes, dear reader, then I hope some of these made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post, then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share witty jokes, surely everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

© Mann Island Media Limited 2026. All Rights Reserved.

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How much money is enough?

02/24/2026 by

Introduction:

You may feel you would like more money in your pocket, but have you ever asked yourself the philosophical question, “How much money is enough?”

If you ask a billionaire, the response is likely to be that no amount is enough. Let’s face it, they become billionaires because they’re constantly driven to make money.

However, other people might modestly settle for, say, $1 million.

People who are a little more thoughtful might give you a different number, somewhere between the two extremes, possibly.

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The cost of chasing money:

We all need money, and we all want a decent standard of living.

However, always remember that there is a cost to chasing money. And that cost, among other things, is the impact it has on your time.

We can get more money, but we can never get more time. We all get 168 hours each week, and that’s it.

So, there comes a point where there might be a better way to spend your time than to chase more money.

And you’ll never know if you’ve reached that point if you don’t define it.

Achieving happiness:

Studies have shown that happiness doesn’t increase beyond an income of around $70-80k per year.

That might seem modest, but it’s probably a comfortable living in most parts of the country.

However, it’s not enough to drive a new Mercedes every three years and vacation in Europe with the family every summer.

It would be tough to send your child to Harvard on a $70,000 salary.

So, ask yourself, How much is enough?

The answer is that it all depends on you and your circumstances.

Factors to consider:

To consider how much you need to live fully, think about the following:

1. Age

How old are you?

How much longer can you reasonably expect to live?

If you’re 90, you probably require less money for the rest of your life than people in their 20s and 30s.

There are actuarial tables that can tell you how much longer you’re expected to live. However, you should plan to live longer than expected!

You will find an example of actuarial tables HERE and you might find this useful.

2. Expenses

How much are your monthly expenses?

What would your expenses be if you were living the life of your dreams?

Let your imagination run wild. What expenses would you have?

A new bowling ball each year or a second house in Vail, Colorado? A housekeeper? A thoroughbred racehorse?

It’s your life. Determine how much it would take to finance what you think is your ideal life.

3. Dependents

Who are you responsible for?

Do you have three children who will attend college in the next 10 years?

Do you have a spouse who doesn’t work?

Do you care for an ageing parent or parents?

For how long do you expect to have responsibility for financially providing for others?

Ultimately, you must consider every potential demand on your wallet or purse.

4. Debt

What is your current debt situation?

Do you have 20 years left on a mortgage hanging over your head?

Significant medical bills?

Credit card debt to repay?

Debt must be financed, and repayments must be made. So, you can’t ignore debt.

5. Retirement

None of us can go on forever. At some point, we must all take life at a slower pace.

So, when would you like to retire, and how much do you need each month to live comfortably?

How would you like to spend your retirement?

Do you want to travel regularly?

Play golf every day?

How much would a typical month in your ideal lifestyle retirement cost?

6. Lifestyle

What toys do you want to own? And by that, I mean serious toys.

A plane? A Porsche? A boat? A holiday home in Aspen or Tuscany? Swimming pool? Motorcycle?

If they give you pleasure, then it’s reasonable to work towards owning them

Then again, maybe you value your free time above all else and would be happy living a simple life with a Labrador retriever and a large vegetable garden, reading books all afternoon.

The choice is yours. Equally, you can go as far as your imagination will take you.

For everyone, it’s different:

There are no right or wrong answers to the question, “How much money is enough?“

Everything depends on your desires and circumstances.

The number for you might be quite small or very high.

It’s just your number. It’s personal, that’s all.

If you’ve never considered how much money you need, then take the time to think about it.

Money in perspective:

Having money and financial freedom is great for a couple of things, in particular solving problems and providing choices.

However, beyond that, it has limited value.

Certainly, it’s a mistake to use money to establish status. Worrying about impressing your peer group should be left to teenagers.

Needing money for the wrong things is limiting. It requires working longer and harder than necessary.

You could be doing other things with your limited time on Earth.

Phil Sutton

Conclusion:

Think long and hard about what is most important to you.

Ensure that you develop an income, savings, and net worth to acquire the possessions and freedom that will allow you to live your life the way you desire.

Spend time addressing this important issue, and you might be able to quit working sooner than you think.

However, have money in your head but never in your heart.

And never let your pursuit of money prevent you from spending time with family and friends.

A lonely old age would be a heavy price to pay for wealth creation.

There is little point in being the richest person in the graveyard with no one to mark your passing.

And never, ever forget to spend at least some of your time enjoying yourself. As we say where I come from, you’ll be a long time dead!

Other articles you might find interesting:

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Filed Under: Money Tagged With: , , , , ,

10 funny jokes guaranteed to have you howling with laughter

02/23/2026 by

If you enjoy a good laugh, then these funny jokes are just for you.

Today, there are 10 funny jokes guaranteed to make you laugh.

So sit back, relax and enjoy them all.

And once you’ve enjoyed them, please feel free to pass them on.

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Funny Jokes:

1. The Tiny Pianist:

A guy walks into a New York bar pushing a small suitcase on wheels.

He takes a seat at the bar, and then he begins to open the suitcase carefully.

With the suitcase open, he takes out the tiniest piano you’ve ever seen and places it on the bar. The bartender watches him, a little puzzled.

The guy then reaches back into the suitcase and takes out a tiny man. This little man is no taller than ten inches high and the guy then seats him at the tiny piano.

The tiny man then begins to play a piece by Chopin on the piano in a way that is both enchanting and absolutely beautiful.

The bartender walks up to the guy and says, “Gee, where did you get the tiny pianist? He’s brilliant.“

The guy puts his hand back into his suitcase again and pulls out an old magic lamp, which he then hands to the bartender.

He says to the bartender, “Here, rub this and make a wish.“

The bartender says, “Are you serious?”

The guy says, “Sure, go ahead.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp and says, “I wish for a million bucks!“

There is a loud ‘poof’ sound before a million ducks start marching into the bar.

The bartender looks at the man and says, “Buddy, I think your magic lamp is broken.“

The guy looks at him, smiles, then says, “Tell me something I don’t know. You don’t really think I asked for a 10-inch pianist do you?“

2. An engineer goes to Hell:

An engineer dies and suddenly finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates, in front of Saint Peter, who’s holding a clipboard.

Saint Peter takes a few moments to review his list and then says to the engineer, “I’m sorry old boy but you’re not on the list. That means you’ll have to go down below, I’m afraid.”

The engineer is a little disheartened but trudges off in search of the gates to Hell.

When he arrives in Hell, he’s less than impressed. It’s hot, it’s smelly, and it’s very miserable.

However, being an engineer, he’s very resourceful. So immediately, he decides to take action to improve his situation.

He realises that if he’s to be comfortable, he must do something about the heat. So he decides to install air conditioning. Once he gets that working, everything cools down quite quickly, and it’s all a little bit more pleasant.

Installing the air conditioning proved to be thirsty work, but there aren’t any cold drinks. So the engineer decides to install refrigeration, and before you know it, everyone in Hell can relax with a cold beer.

When he’s got everyone cool and the beer cold, the engineer realises they don’t have any entertainment. So he decides to install cable television. Before you know it, they’re streaming hundreds of television channels.

Suddenly, life in Hell is getting quite pleasant, and the engineer is becoming a popular guy. Well, why wouldn’t he be? He’s constantly using his skills to make life better for everyone.

Anyway, one day, God has reason to phone the Devil. Needless to say, God can’t resist having a little fun at the Devil’s expense.

“So how’s it all going down there, Devil? Still hot and miserable?” says God.

To which the Devil replies, “Well, actually, things are great down here right now. Since you sent us that engineer, we’ve been able to upgrade our facilities substantially.“

God is annoyed and cannot conceal his irritation, saying, “What? You’ve got an engineer? How did that happen? There’s always a place for engineers up here in Heaven; we need their skills. There must be some mistake”

Now it’s the Devil who feels he’s the one who can have a little fun, and he responds with a laugh, “Well, he’s here with us now, and we’re pleased to have him.”

“Send him up here right now,” says God,

The Devil’s having none of it, and he responds, “No way! We’re keeping him. He’s far too useful to let go.“

God decides it’s time to apply a little pressure, so he says, “Look, Devil, either you send him up here to me immediately, or I’ll have no choice but to sue you!“

The Devil falls about laughing and says, “And where will you find a lawyer?“

3. The Bear and the Rabbit:

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest.

They ran into a clearing, and the bear chased the rabbit around a giant redwood tree where, as luck would have it, a genie lived.

The genie got so tired of the noise they were making that finally he came out and told them both that he would grant them both three wishes if they’d just agree to go away and leave him in peace.

Naturally, the pair agreed. Who wouldn’t want three wishes after all?

So, the bear said he’d go first. “I wish from now on that every bear in this forest is both female and very, very horny.“

The genie granted him his wish.

The rabbit just grinned and simply asked for a motorcycle crash helmet.

The genie granted him his wish, too. There was a ‘poof’ sound, and then in the rabbit’s paw was a top-of-the-range motorcycle crash helmet.

The bear was somewhat puzzled by the rabbit’s request, but he continued nevertheless with his second wish. “I wish from now that on every bear in the whole country is both female and very, very horny!“

The genie granted the bear his second wish.

Again, the rabbit grinned, and then he said that his second wish was for a Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

This wish was granted, too and again there was a ‘poof’ sound and suddenly there in the forest stood a gleaming Harley Davidson.

The rabbit jumped on the Harley, put his helmet on and then started gunning the hog.

The bear looked at the rabbit, smiled and said, “You must be the dumbest rabbit I’ve ever met!“

It was time for the bear’s final wish, so he said, “I wish from now on that every bear in the whole world is both female and very, very horny!“

The genie granted him his third and final wish. “Rest assured”, the genie said to the bear, “every bear you will ever meet from now on will be both female and very, very horny.”

The bear looked very pleased with himself.

The genie then looked at the rabbit and said, “So, what’s your final wish?”

The rabbit laughed out loud and said, “I wish that from now on the bear is gay.“

With that, the rabbit gunned the hog and disappeared into the sunset.

4. The Taxidermist:

A guy walks into a redneck bar in Texas.

A couple of cross-eyed, local boys are playing Dueling Banjos on their guitars, guns in holsters by their sides.

Other mean-looking guys, similarly armed, are just sitting around, drinking, and they start staring at the stranger in their midst. There’s tension in the air.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “What’ll it be, boy?”

The guy says, “I’ll have a white wine spritzer, please.”

The tension in the bar increases noticeably, the other customers are getting twitchy, and hands start reaching for their guns.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “With a pussy drink like that, I’m guessing you ain’t from around here, are ya boy? Where ya from?“

The guy says, “Well, actually, I’m from Iowa.“

The bartender frowns at him and says, “Iowa? And what the heck do you do in Iowa, boy?“

The guy tries to lighten the tension with a smile, and then he says, “I’m a taxidermist?“

The bartender gives him a puzzled look and says, “You’re a taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist boy?“

Starting to feel a bit nervous, the guy responds, “I mount animals.“

The bartender grins and shouts out to everyone in the bar, “It’s okay, boys, he’s one of us!“

5. Two accountants:

Two accountants go to their local bank during their lunch break.

They’re both standing in line when suddenly four masked and armed robbers burst in through the door.

One of the robbers yells, “Don’t anyone move. We’ve got guns, and we’ll use them. Cooperate, and you won’t get hurt.”

Two of the robbers then go to the counter with four very large but empty leather bags, and one says to the tellers, “Fill these bags with cash and be quick about it.”

While the tellers nervously fill the bags with cash, the other two robbers line all the customers, including the two accountants, up against a wall.

One robber walks along the line waving his gun menacingly in their faces, and he shouts, “Right, I want your wallets, your cash, your watches, and any other valuables you’ve got, and I want them all now. And if you don’t give me everything you’ve got, I’ll shoot you dead!”

As this is all going on, one accountant stuffs something into the hand of his colleague.

Without looking down, his colleague whispers, “What’s this?“

The accountant whispers back, “It’s that $50 I owe you.“

Phil Sutton

6. Escaped convict:

A convict escapes from Folsom State Prison, where he’s been locked up for 15 Years. He’s on the run and in need of food, money and a gun. So he decides to break into a house, where he thinks he might find at least some of these things. Walking along an affluent street, he spots a house that he thinks looks perfect.

He forces the back door open and steps inside. As he wanders through the house, he finds a young couple in bed. Naturally, they’re both very frightened.

He orders the naked woman out of bed and ties her to a chair.

He then ties her husband to the bed.

The convict then goes back to the woman and, straddling her lap, he puts his head close to the woman’s ear and whispers something before kissing her on the cheek. He then stands up and goes into their bathroom.

While the convict is in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he straddled your lap and kissed you on the cheek. He’s horny. Just do whatever he asks of you. You mustn’t resist and don’t complain. Satisfy him, no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously dangerous. If he gets angry, he could kill us both. So be strong, honey. I love you!”

There was a sigh of relief from the woman as she whispered back, “When he whispered in my ear, he told me he was gay, and he said he thinks you’re really cute. He said he’s very horny and he wanted to know if we had any protection. I told him he’ll find a box of them in the bathroom cabinet. I knew you would see reason, honey. You be strong. I love you too, and I appreciate the sacrifice you’ll be making.”

7. Thick Nick:

Bill was a straight-A student in high school, but 20 years later, his career has been less than stellar.

Still, when he gets an invitation to a High School reunion, he decides to go anyway.

Well, he figures he hasn’t seen any of his school buddies since those far-off days, and it might be fun at least to see how some of the class losers have gotten on since then. They might provide him with something to laugh at and feel good about himself.

When he arrives at the reunion, the first guy he bumps into is Jack.

Now, this makes Bill a little bit apprehensive. Jack had been a friend of his at school, but he’d also been voted the student most likely to succeed. So Bill figured that Jack must at least be the CEO of a large multinational corporate organization by now.

Well, Jack’s career, too, had not quite lived up to expectations either.

He’s now the manager of the local Credit Union. A decent job, perhaps, but hardly exceptional. Nevertheless, it leaves Bill feeling a little bit more relaxed. Maybe he hadn’t done so badly after all?

As Bill and Jack stand outside the entrance to their old High School, swapping stories about their lives since school days, suddenly a brand new Lamborghini Veneno roars into the parking lot.

This is $5 million worth of supercar, and Bill and Jack are stunned. Who could this be? Surely it couldn’t be one of their old classmates?

As they stand there open-mouthed, the car door opens and out steps Nick.

Now, had there been a vote at school for the student least likely to succeed, then Nick would have won it by a country mile and then some. He was not the brightest crayon in the box, academically, and unsurprisingly, his fellow students all knew him as ‘Thick Nick’.

Bill and Jack couldn’t understand how Nick was doing so well. So they engage him in conversation to find out more.

Jack says to him, “Hey Nick, that car’s awesome. How come you’re doing so well?”

Nick responds and says, “Well, Jack, when I failed to graduate High School, I couldn’t get a job after I left, so I started my own business.”

So Bill says, “Wow Nick, how come your business is so successful?”

Nick smiles and says, “Well, I sell this really popular product, which I can buy for $2 a pop, and I can sell it for $5 a pop. And I can sell it by the truckload. You wouldn’t believe it. It’s amazing how much money you can make with a 3% mark-up.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Nick may still be thick, but lack of academic success at school is never a barrier to financial success in life. And academic success does not guarantee financial success either.

8. The Indian businessman:

An Indian businessman, Rajesh Bhatia, walks into a bank in the City of London and asks to see the Loans Officer.

Mr Bhatia explains that he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and he needs to borrow £5000.

The Loans officer says that, whilst it’s possible, the bank would need something substantial as security against the loan.

Mr Bhatia responds by saying he’d be happy to hand over the keys to his new Rolls-Royce, which cost £250,000, as security against the loan.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Bhatia, “and I have all the necessary papers here.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After which Mr Bhatia departs with his money, leaving the Loans officer, the bank’s manager and all their colleagues enjoying a good laugh at Mr Bhatia for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Mr Bhatia returns from Europe and repays the £5000 as well as the interest, which comes to £16.81.

As he prepares a receipt, the Loans Officer asks quizzically, “Sir, I must say, we’re all a little bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a very wealthy man and a multimillionaire. So why would you bother to borrow £5,000?“

Mr Bhatia replies, “Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £16.81?“

9. The rare centipede:

Whilst out hiking, a guy finds a rare but long and poisonous centipede.

The guy is amazed by what he’s found, and naturally, he wants to show this rare creature to his drinking buddies. So he captures the centipede and places it carefully in a ventilated box.

Once he gets it home, the guy decides he wants to take the centipede to his local bar immediately. So he taps on the box and says, “Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar with me and have a beer?“

There’s no answer from the centipede.

The guy waits a few moments and then says, “What do you think? Would you like to go to my local bar and meet my buddies?“

Again, there’s no answer.

Thinking the centipede can’t hear him, the man gets right up close to the box this time and yells, “Hey! Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar and have a drink with me?“

A little voice comes out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m still putting my shoes on.“

10. Collision course:

The captain of a large US naval aircraft carrier is on the bridge when, on his radar, he spots what he believes to be another vessel, with which his ship is now on a collision course.

The captain immediately gets on his open channel radio and says, “This is the USS Pittsburgh, and you’re on a collision course with this ship. You must take immediate action and change course.”

In response, the captain hears a man with a Spanish accent but speaking perfect English say, “No, sir, I’m sorry, but it’s your vessel that must change course.”

The captain is irritated by this response and says, “This is Captain James Munroe, captain of the USS Pittsburgh, the largest ship in the US fleet. You are a maritime hazard, sir, and I will report you to the authorities unless you change course now.”

There’s silence momentarily, and then the captain hears the response, “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

Go Explore London

Please share the fun:

I hope these funny jokes really made you laugh, dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

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7 lame jokes funny enough to make you laugh

02/23/2026 by

If you enjoy lame jokes, dear reader, then I’ve got some great ones for you today. I’m confident that at least some of these will make you laugh.

Enjoy them all, and feel free to share them with your friends.

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Lame Jokes:

1. Miscommunication:

Betty is sitting on the porch with her husband, sipping a glass of wine.

“I love you so much,” says Betty. “In fact, I doubt if I could live without you. Not even for a single day.”

Her husband, Jim, is flattered and almost speechless. His wife had never shown him quite so much affection.

“Oh, Betty, I didn’t know you cared so much,” said Jim.

“Oh, yes,” said Betty, “this wine is really very special to me.”

2. Two wishes:

Jake and Maggie are a married couple in their sixties, and one day they’re visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

“I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” says Maggie.

“Your wish is granted,” says the fairy.

Then there’s a POOF sound, and miraculously, two tickets for a luxury cruise appear in Maggie’s hand.

“I’m sorry,” says Jake, “but my wish is to have a wife who’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Your wish is granted,” says the fairy.

With that, the fairy waves a wand, and miraculously, Jake is transformed into a 92-year-old.

Moral of the Story: Ungrateful men should remember that fairies are female and loyal to the sisterhood.

3. Shot of whiskey:

Jim drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this, his wife, Elaine, is worried about him and wants him to quit.

Naturally, Elaine wants to ensure that Jim really understands why she’s concerned.

As they’re sitting at the table, Elaine says to him, “Jim, dear, we need to talk.”

With that, she places two shot glasses on the table and fills one with water and the other with whiskey.

“Now, Jim, I want you to watch what happens next,” says Elaine.

With that, she takes two worms from his fishing-bait box and puts one in each of the shot glasses.

The worm in the water starts swimming around in the glass.

Sadly, the worm in the whiskey dies immediately.

Feeling she’s made her point, Elaine says, “So, Jim, what do you have to say about this little experiment?”

“Well, dear, that’s obvious,” says Jim. “If I keep drinking whiskey, I won’t get worms.”

4. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny is sitting in his math class, and the teacher asks him, “Johnny, how many feet are there in a yard?”

Little Johnny thinks momentarily and then responds, “Well, miss, that would depend on how many people are standing in the yard.”

5. The pharmacist:

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

“Mam,” says the pharmacist, “I have to ask you what it’s for?”

“I want to kill my husband,” the woman responds.

“I’m sorry, mam,” says the pharmacist, “but I can’t let you have it for that.”

With that, the woman shows the pharmacist a photograph of his wife in bed with her husband.

The pharmacist studies the photograph momentarily and then says, “Oh, right, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

6. The reptile house:

Towards the end of a hectic day at the zoo, staff tried to tidy up as quickly as possible before closing for the evening.

In their haste to finish their work in the reptile house, the glass tanks were left open by mistake.

Within minutes, dozens of snakes had escaped.

With some highly venomous snakes on the loose, the head keeper was desperately trying to round them up, with little to no success.

Eventually, the head keeper turned to his assistant and said, “It’s no use; I’ll have to call a politician.”

“A politician?” the assistant exclaimed, a little bewildered. “How will a politician help us now?”

“Well,” said the head keeper, “we need someone who can speak their language.”

7. The miracle:

One morning, a disabled man hobbled into St Patrick’s Catholic Church on crutches.

The man stopped in front of the font, dipped a cupped hand into the holy water, and then started splashing and rubbing holy water on both of his legs.

When he’d finished, he threw away his crutches.

Watching this event was an altar boy, who was truly amazed by this act, which demonstrated the power of belief in God.

Immediately, the boy ran into the rectory to tell Father O’Connor, the Parish priest, what he’d seen.

“Son,” said Father O’Connor, “what you’ve just witnessed is a miracle. Tell me, where is this man now?”

“Flat on his ass, over there by the holy water,” said the boy.

Phil Sutton

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Thank you for being so supportive.

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10 funny but stupid jokes that’ll tickle your children

02/23/2026 by

If you like stupid jokes, today’s post is for you.

One of life’s great joys is sharing a laugh with children. Wouldn’t you agree?

There’s nothing quite as infectious as a child laughing uncontrollably. I’m sure you’ll agree with that, dear reader.

All you need is a little ammunition in the form of a book of stupid jokes, and you’re well on your way to creating memories that will last a lifetime.

I recently stumbled upon a hilarious book that works well with young children.

The book is Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell, and I think it’s hilarious. It’s stuffed full of the sort of stupid jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers.

It contains an excellent collection of over 2,500 hilariously funny and silly jokes, all guaranteed to get a child laughing.

So take a break from the smartphones and iPads and you can have hours of fun making your children laugh and showing them there’s life beyond electronic gadgets.

Each joke has a simple two-line structure, poking fun at everything from addled animals to witless wizards. These are jokes that children will love, and they’ll be eager to share them with their friends.

This collection of jokes will allow children to dazzle their friends, disarm their enemies, and impress their teachers.

And remember, if a child has a stock of jokes to tell, then they’ll always be popular with their peer group.

So I’ve got to tell you, dear reader, you can’t lose with this book. It’s inexpensive and a sure-fire winner.

Allow me to offer you some examples of the wit and humour that you’ll find between the covers of Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell:

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Stupid jokes just for you:

  • What did one pig say to the other?
  • Let’s be pen pals
  • Why do cows lie down when it’s cold?
  • To keep each udder warm
  • Which fish go to heaven when they die?
  • Angel fish
  • Why don’t bears wear socks?
  • Because they like to walk in their bear feet
  • What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
  • A zebra
  • What’s out of bounds?
  • An exhausted kangaroo
  • Why are anteaters good workers?
  • Because a little aardvark never hurt anyone
  • Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret?
  • Because pigs are squealers
  • What do porcupines have that other animals don’t?
  • Baby porcupines
  • Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire?
  • She wanted to lay it on the line

Please share this post with your friends:

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Perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

If you enjoyed this post, then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

Phil Sutton

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25 funny short jokes to brighten your day

02/23/2026 by

If you’re looking for some funny short jokes, today’s post is for you, dear reader.

Now, life can be tough for everyone, don’t you think?

It can be stressful at times, too.

When life is getting you down, laughter is always the best medicine.

In fact, laughter is always great medicine, regardless of how you’re feeling.

However, the problem can be finding the time to go in search of a laugh or two.

Which is why, dear reader, I’ve done the work for you.

I’ve been digging around, looking for funny short jokes that might just help readers relax a little.

So today I offer you 25 great, funny short jokes that are guaranteed to brighten your day.

Well, hopefully, anyway. I’m confident that most of them will brighten your day, at least.

They’re all quick to read, and if at least some of them don’t make you smile, then nothing will.

So take a few minutes for yourself and enjoy these funny short jokes right now.

FUNNY SHORT JOKES
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Funny short jokes:

  • If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive
  • They’d find me attractive by now
  • Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? 
  • Too many cheetahs
  • What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
  • A roamin’ Catholic
  • Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley
  • One was assaulted
  • What do you call a fat psychic?
  • A four chin teller
  • My girlfriend accused me of cheating
  • I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
  • A man asked me for a donation towards the local swimming pool
  • So I gave him a glass of water
  • I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage
  • I lost my case
  • What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
  • Hop in
  • What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
  • A flat miner
  • If you give an alligator a GPS
  • Does that make it a navigator?
  • How do trees get online?
  • They just log in
  • What do you call a singing laptop?
  • A Dell
  • Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? 
  • Because it’s always spotted
  • I don’t know what Armageddon means
  • So what? It’s not the end of the world
  • I’ve been told I’m condescending
  • (That means talking down to people)
  • What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
  • A Maybe
  • Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?
  • You can get thinner there
  • How do you get two whales in a car?
  • Start in England and drive west
  • Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?
  • He’ll dessert you
  • What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
  • Mice Krispies
  • What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
  • The purrpatrator
  • I went bobsleighing the other day
  • And I managed to kill 250 bobs
  • People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones
  • But people in Abu Dhabi do!
  • You may think it’s romantic to carve our names on this tree
  • But I have to ask, why did you bring a knife on our first date?
Phil Sutton

Please share the fun:

I hope you found these funny short jokes truly side-splitting, dear reader. Well, mildly amusing, at least.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh.

If so, please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

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5 jokes that will make anyone laugh to raise a smile

02/23/2026 by

Are you looking for some jokes that will make anyone laugh, dear reader?

Well, I can offer you five today that might just fit the bill. They’re nothing too naughty, but they might make you smile. I hope so, anyway.

If you do enjoy them, please feel free to share them.

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Jokes that will make anyone laugh:

1. First time:

Bernadette was a young, single Catholic girl from Brooklyn. 

One morning, Bernadette went to confession.

She went into the confessional box, knelt down, and spoke quietly.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” said Bernadette. 

“Go ahead, my child, what is this sin of which you speak?” Father Murphy, the parish priest, responded.

“Father,” said Bernadette, “it’s a little embarrassing.”

“Just take your time, my child,” said Father Murphy to reassure her.

“Well,” said Bernadette, “last night I made love with my boyfriend, Father. I couldn’t help myself. I swear it was the first time, but he was so charming, and he took me to heaven and back, Father. However, I’m not married, so I know it was a sin. I’ve come here now seeking absolution.”

Father Murphy thought momentarily and then said, “My child, I want you to say ten Hail Marys before you leave the church and then go home, fill a glass with vinegar, add two teaspoons full of mustard, stare it up, and then drink it all.”

“Yes, Father,” said Bernadette, a little confused. “And will that absolve me of this terrible sin?”

“No, my child,” Father Murphy responded, “but it will wipe the smile off your face!“

2. A lack of passion:

A retired couple, Rick and Diane, have been married for 30 years, but their marriage is not in a good place, so they go to see a counsellor.

When the counsellor asks what the problem is, Diane immediately bursts into a rant about how terrible everything is, listing every issue she’s ever had in the 30 years they’ve been married. 

It was just an endless list of issues, one after another. She just kept banging on and on about why she was not happy.

The counsellor listened momentarily, and then he got up, went around the desk, embraced Diane and kissed her passionately. 

Diane is stunned into silence and she just shuts up and sits quietly in a complete daze.

The counsellor then turns to Rick and says, “That’s what your wife needs and she needs it three times a week. Can you help her Rick?”

“Well,” says Rick, “I could bring her here on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, I play golf.”

3. Sheltered life:

Jim lived in a small town and had led a fairly sheltered life. So he decides it’s time to explore the world a bit. 

He’d heard a lot about the wonders of the Big Apple, so he decided to visit New York City.

He’s wandering around Macy’s browsing when he spots a Thermos flask.

“What’s this?” Jim asks the clerk.

“Well,” said the clerk, “it’s a flask that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

Now Jim may be a bit of a hayseed but he can see that such a flask could be very useful, so he buys one.

When he returns home, he takes the Thermos flask into the office to show his buddies.

“What is it?” they ask, in unison.

“It’s called a Thermos flask,” says Jim, “and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

“Wow!” says his buddy, Bill, “What have you got in there now?”

“Two cups of coffee and a choc ice,” says Jim.

4. White knuckle ride:

A New York City cab driver is driving down Broadway with a passenger heading for Battery Park.

The cab gets to a red light but the driver just goes straight through it.

The passenger sees what’s happened and shouts, “Hey buddy, be careful! I wanna get to Battery Park in one piece!”

“Hey, don’t worry,” says the cab driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

They get to the next junction, the light’s red, but the cab driver just sails on through again.

The passenger’s not happy. “Hey, buddy,” he shouts, “you’ll get us both killed.”

“My brother does it all the time, I’m telling you,” says the driver.

They get to the next junction and once again the light’s red but the driver doesn’t stop.

“You’ve gotta stop this!” screams the passenger.

“Chill out!” says the driver. “I told you, my brother does it all the time.”

They get to the 34th Street junction, the light’s green but the driver screeches to a halt.

“Hey buddy,” says the passenger, “the light’s green, why did you stop?”

“It’s 34th Street,” says the cab driver. “My brother lives on 34th Street and I’m not sure what time he starts work.”

5. Copying ancient texts:

At the Benedictine Monastery Paul, a novice Catholic monk arrives to prove his suitability for admission to the religious order.

After being given a little time to settle in, Paul’s asked to assist the other monks with copying ancient texts by hand.

Whilst he’s observing the process, Paul notices that the other monks are making their copies from documents which are themselves copies, not the original texts.

So Paul goes to the Abbot to raise his concerns.

“Reverend Father,” says Paul, “It appears the monks are making their copies from copies and not original texts. So if there were any mistakes made in those copies those mistakes will be repeated in the new copies.” 

“Paul,” said the Abbot, “you make an important point. The Benedictine order has been making copies for centuries and the rules by which we live are defined in those ancient texts. I must investigate.”

With that, the Abbot goes down deep into the cellar of the monastery with one of the most recent copies and proceeds to check it very carefully against the original ancient text.

Several days pass and the monks have not seen the Abbot.

Eventually, Paul and the other monks decide that a group of them should go looking for him. So Paul leads a delegation down into the cellar. 

As they’re walking down the ancient steps, they can hear the Abbot sobbing.

When they find him, still sobbing, Paul asks, “Reverend Father, what’s wrong?”

“You idiots!” the abbot responds. “The word was CELEBRATE!”

Phil Sutton

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