100 short powerful quotes guaranteed to inspire you today

If you’re looking for some short, powerful quotes, dear reader, then I have some gems for you today.

I guarantee that you will find quotes here to truly inspire you.

So, grab a coffee, take a few moments to read them all, and set yourself up for a day of action.

Remember; you can be more than you are, and you can achieve a lot more than you think. And it’s never too late to make your mark on life.

So, be inspired and be known.

short powerful quotes
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Short powerful quotes (1-10):

  1. The unexamined life is not worth living. ~Socrates
  2. Whatever you are, be a good one. ~Abraham Lincoln
  3. There is nothing permanent except change. ~Heraclitus
  4. The more I see, the less I know for sure. ~John Lennon
  5. The truth is rarely pure and never simple. ~Oscar Wilde
  6. The secret of getting ahead is getting started. ~Mark Twain
  7. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. ~Dr Seuss
  8. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
  9. Be the change that you wish to see in the world. ~Mahatma Gandhi
  10. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. ~Lao Tzu

Short powerful quotes (11-20):

  1. The way to get started is quit talking and begin doing. ~Walt Disney
  2. There is nothing impossible to him who will try. ~Alexander the Great
  3. Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy. ~Anne Frank
  4. Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly. ~John F. Kennedy
  5. The future belongs to the brave, not to the faint-hearted. ~Ronald Reagan
  6. The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page. ~St. Augustine
  7. If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things. ~Albert Einstein
  8. The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. ~Amelia Earhart
  9. Success is not final; failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. ~Winston Churchill
  10. The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people’s money. ~Margaret Thatcher

Short powerful quotes (21-30):

  1. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. ~Wayne Gretzky
  2. There are no shortcuts to any place worth going. ~Beverly Sills
  3. To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. ~Oscar Wilde
  4. You must do the things you think you cannot do. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
  5. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  6. The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~E.E. Cummings
  7. We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone. ~Ronald Reagan
  8. You have to dream before your dreams can come true. ~A.P.J. Abdul Kalam
  9. The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open. ~Frank Zappa
  10. The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Ferdinand Foch

Short powerful quotes (31-40):

  1. The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have. ~Vince Lombardi
  2. You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. ~C.S. Lewis
  3. You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. ~Jim Rohn
  4. We must not allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us. ~Virginia Satir
  5. The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me. ~Ayn Rand
  6. You will face many defeats in life, but never let yourself be defeated. ~Maya Angelou
  7. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. ~Aristotle
  8. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. ~Winston Churchill
  9. The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
  10. The most important thing is to enjoy your life – to be happy – it’s all that matters. ~Audrey Hepburn

Short powerful quotes (41-50):

  1. You have to be odd to be number one. ~Dr Seuss
  2. Where there is love there is life. ~Mahatma Gandhi
  3. Why fit in when you were born to stand out? ~Dr Seuss
  4. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. ~Oscar Wilde
  5. Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. ~Henry Ford
  6. Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. ~Steve Jobs
  7. Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. ~John Lennon
  8. Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. ~Babe Ruth
  9. You don’t have to be great to start, but you must start to be great. ~Zig Ziglar
  10. It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up. ~Vince Lombardi
Phil Sutton

Short powerful quotes (51-60):

  1. You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have. ~Maya Angelou
  2. You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try. ~Beverly Sills
  3. Life is ten percent what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. ~Charles R. Swindoll
  4. Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. ~Mahatma Gandhi
  5. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. ~Edmund Burke
  6. The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. ~Alice Walker
  7. There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure. ~Paulo Coelho
  8. There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. ~Edith Wharton
  9. You’re off to great places, today is your day. Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way. ~Dr Seuss
  10. You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. ~Christopher Columbus

Short powerful quotes (61-70):

  1. It is never too late to be what you might have been. ~George Eliot
  2. If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything. ~Malcolm X
  3. Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’! ~Audrey Hepburn
  4. Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. ~Babe Ruth
  5. The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision. ~Helen Keller
  6. To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. ~Oscar Wilde
  7. If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. ~African proverb
  8. Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama
  9. The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
  10. If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. ~Maya Angelou

Short powerful quotes (71-80):

  1. People who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. ~Rob Siltanen
  2. Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen. ~Michael Jordan
  3. There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure. ~Colin Powell
  4. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make. ~Jane Goodall
  5. The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty. ~Winston Churchill
  6. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
  7. You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. ~Dr Seuss
  8. The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. ~Steve Jobs
  9. The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude. ~Oprah Winfrey
  10. The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart. ~Helen Keller

Short powerful quotes (81-90):

  1. Nothing will work unless you do. ~Maya Angelou
  2. Other people succeed and so can you. ~Roy Sutton
  3. Action is the foundational key to all success. ~Pablo Picasso
  4. Energy and persistence conquer all things. ~Benjamin Franklin
  5. The path to success is to take massive, determined action. ~Tony Robbins
  6. Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going. ~Jim Rohn
  7. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
  8. When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
  9. The greatest glory in living, lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~Nelson Mandela
  10. Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. ~Albert Einstein

Short powerful quotes (91-100):

  1. Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
  2. The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. ~Albert Einstein
  3. Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  4. It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. ~Charles Darwin
  5. To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
  6. There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. ~Nelson Mandela
  7. The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will. ~Vince Lombardi
  8. The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. ~Bertrand Russell
  9. When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. ~Helen Keller
  10. Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength. ~Arnold Schwarzenegger
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5 of the best jokes ever just for you

If you’re looking for some of the best jokes ever, then here are five which I think you might just enjoy. They all made me smile and they should tickle your funny bone too.

So take a few moments to have a laugh and please feel free to pass them on.

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Best ever jokes:

1. A hard act to follow:

Rick walks out of his office in Manhattan one evening just as there’s a cab approaching. He hails the cab and, as he’s getting in, he says to the cab driver, “Now that’s perfect timing. Am I lucky or what?

The cab driver smiles and says, “You’re just like Bill Smith.”

Who’s Bill Smith?” asks Rick.

Oh, he’s just some guy who always managed to do everything perfectly,” the cab driver responds.

How do you mean?” asks Rick.

Well,” says the driver, “like your situation now. You’re in need of a cab and I’m right here for you when you need me. That would happen to Bill, every time.

Oh, come on,” says Rick. “No one’s life’s that perfect. There’ll always be a few clouds, surely?”

Not for Bill,” the cab driver responds. “He was a top athlete. He played golf with a handicap that any top pro would love to have. He played tennis better than John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg. He could sing opera better than Pavarotti and he could dance better than Fred Astaire. And he was a Grade A student with a photographic memory. He never ever forgot a birthday.

Really?” Rick responds.

Really!” says the cab driver. “He could fix any little problem around the house. He had encyclopaedic knowledge about wine and good food. And he was an entertaining raconteur and storyteller. The life and soul of any party. And to top it all, he was always in perfect shape. No, no one will ever match up to Bill Smith, that’s for sure.

Oh, come on,” says Rick. “no one’s that perfect. How do you know this guy, anyway?

Well, I never met him,” says the cab driver, “but I’m married to his widow.”

2. In search of the truth:

One day Joseph Stalin was feeling bored, so he starts thinking about what he can do to amuse himself.

After reflecting on his problem for a while, he decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst ordinary people to find out what they really think of him.

So, he organises a job for himself in a local factory on the outskirts of Moscow and he starts working there.

On his first day, he’s doing everything he can to fit in and when he gets the opportunity, he strikes up a conversation with one of his fellow workers.

As they seem to be getting along well, Stalin suggests that they eat their lunch together in the yard.

As they eat lunch, they make a little small talk for a while and then, when Stalin gets his chance, he asks his new friend, “What do you really think of Stalin?

Feeling a little paranoid, his friend starts looking around furtively before he responds in a whisper, “We can’t talk about that here, it really wouldn’t be safe.

Stalin gives him a knowing look in response and suggests they meet after work to discuss it further.

So, they meet up after work in the village where his new friend lives and when he gets the opportunity, once again, Stalin asks the question, “What do you really think of Stalin?

Well, the guy looks paranoid again and starts looking around him, nervously, to see who might be listening. Then in a whisper, with his finger to his mouth, he says, “Schhh! We can’t talk about that here. It’s much too dangerous. Someone might hear us.”

Stalin gives him a knowing look once again and then suggests that they go for a walk in the neighbouring countryside.

For the next hour they walk out into the hills surrounding the village and eventually they’re so far away, they can’t see another person anywhere.

At this point, Stalin says, “It looks like we’re safe to talk now. So, what do you really think of Stalin?

His new friend looks around furtively, then he leans in close to Stalin and whispers. “I kinda like him.”

3. The price of honesty:

There was a young kid called Jim who lived in the country.

Like country folk everywhere, when they needed to go, Jim’s family had to use an outhouse.

Young Jim did not find this a pleasant experience.

In the summer it was much too hot and, in the winter, it was too cold. And all year round, it was very smelly.

Now the outhouse was located on the bank of a creek and one day Jim realised that, with a little effort, it could be pushed into the creek.

He waited for his opportunity and one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and Jim decided that this was as good a day as any to push the outhouse into the creek.

With that, he found a long pole and started pushing. Finally, with one last shove, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night Jim’s dad was not happy, and he told him that, after supper, they were going to the woodshed.

Jim knew what this meant. He was in big trouble and punishment would follow.

Nevertheless, he asked his dad, “Why?

To which his dad responded, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, son, wasn’t it?

Yes dad, it was,” said Jim. He then thought momentarily before he said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree but didn’t get punished because he told the truth.”

Well, son,” said his dad, “George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in that cherry tree at the time, was he?

4. The Chinese Doctor:

Dr Chow Ming leaves Hong Kong for the United States in search of a better life.

He arrives in New York, but he can’t find a job.

However, Dr Ming is a resourceful and enterprising guy, so he opens his own clinic.

A few weeks after the clinic opens, a lawyer is walking by and he reads the sign in the window, which says: –

  • EVERY TREATMENT COST – $20
  • IF WE CAN’T CURE YOU – YOU GET $100 BACK

Well, this guy is a top Wall Street, corporate lawyer and he sees this as an opportunity to have some fun and make a little pocket money.

The lawyer walks into the clinic to be greeted warmly by Dr Ming, who says, “Good morning. What seems to be problem?

Well,” says the lawyer, “I’ve lost my sense of taste.”

Nurse!” says Dr Ming. “Bring medicine from Drawer Number 8 and put three drops on his tongue.

The nurse dutifully does as she’s asked.

Open your mouth wide, please sir,” says the nurse to the lawyer.”

With that, she puts the drops of medicine on his tongue, and the lawyer immediately starts coughing and sputtering.

That’s not medicine!” exclaims the lawyer. “It’s kerosene!

Excellent!” says Dr Ming. “Your taste is restored. That will be $20, please.”

The lawyer’s not happy but he has little choice but to pay the $20 and then leave.

Nevertheless, he’s determined to get the $100, so after a few days he returns, and Dr Ming recognises him immediately.

Back again, so soon?” says Dr Ming.

I’m sorry, have we met before?” asks the lawyer. “You see, I’ve lost my memory.

Nurse,” says Dr Ming, “please bring medicine from Drawer Number 8 and put three drops on his tongue.”

The nurse dutifully does as she’s asked.

Open your mouth wide, please sir,” says the nurse to the lawyer.”

With that, she puts the drops of medicine on his tongue, and the lawyer immediately starts coughing and sputtering.

More kerosene!” says the lawyer. “You gave me that last time for restoring my taste.

Excellent!” says Dr Ming. “Your memory is restored. That will be $20, please.”

The lawyer’s not happy but he has little choice but to pay the $20 and then leave.

However, he’s more determined than ever to get one over on Dr Ming.

One week later he returns to the clinic and again Dr Ming recognises him.

My eyesight has become so weak, I’m virtually blind,” says the lawyer.

Unfortunately, I have no medicine for that,” says Dr Ming, “so I must give you $100.

With that, Dr Ming hands the lawyer a $20 bill.

The lawyer looks at what he’s been given and then says, “But this is only $20, not $100!

Excellent!” says Dr Ming. “Your eyesight is restored. That will be $20, please.”

5. The problem with ducks:

Ethel, Mabel, and Agnes were three old ladies who’d sadly passed away and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

St Peter’s scanning an iPad momentarily, looking to see whether these three old ladies are on his list for admittance to Heaven.

Eventually, he says, “Ladies, welcome to Heaven. There’s just one rule you must all follow and that is, you must never step on a duck.”

Well, as Ethel, Mabel and Agnes walk through the Pearly Gates, they soon realise that there are ducks literally everywhere. There are millions of them.

Naturally, the old ladies do their very best to avoid stepping on any of the ducks, but they find it very difficult.

Ethel only manages one hour before she steps on a duck.

Within seconds St. Peter appears with the ugliest, most hideous-looking man she’d ever seen.

Ethel,” says St Peter, “the penalty for stepping on a duck is for you to be chained to this wretch, face to face, for eternity.”

With that, St Peter disappeared and Ethel is stuck with her ugly companion for eternity.

Now Mabel manages a whole afternoon before she too stepped on a duck.

Once again, St Peter suddenly appears with the ugliest, most hideous-looking man she’d ever seen.

Mabel,” says St Peter, “the penalty for stepping on a duck is for you to be chained to this wretch, face to face, for eternity.”

With that, St Peter disappears and Mabel is stuck with her ugly companion for eternity.

Now, Agnes got through the whole of her first day in Heaven without stepping on a duck but the following morning she wasn’t quite so fortunate.

St Peter suddenly appears with the best-looking guy that Agnes had ever seen.

Agnes,” says St Peter, “the penalty for someone like you stepping on a duck is for you to be chained to this man, face to face, for eternity.”

Wow!” said Agnes looking dreamily into the guy’s eyes, “What did we do to deserve this?

Lady, I don’t know what you did,” the guy responds, “but all I did was step one of those ducks!

Phil Sutton

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So, were any of these jokes worthy contenders for the best jokes ever, dear reader? I hope so.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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101 inspirational proverbs from around the world

Proverbs from around the world

I find proverbs inspirational, and I’ve been collecting some more proverbs from around the world.

I thought readers might find it interesting if I shared some of them.

So here are 101 great proverbs, which I hope will inspire.

Enjoy them all, and feel free to share them with your friends.

Proverbs from around the world
Inspirational Proverbs
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Proverbs from around the world (1 – 20):

  1. Mewing cats catch no mice. ~Georgian Proverb
  2. To begin is easy, to persist is art. ~German Proverb
  3. Anger and madness are brothers. ~African Proverb
  4. He who is guilty has much to say. ~Ghanaian Proverb
  5. Dig the well before you are thirsty. ~Chinese Proverb
  6. A man dies when he stops working. ~Hebrew Proverb
  7. Nothing seems expensive on credit. ~Czech Proverb
  8. Wisdom has long ears and a short tongue. ~Swedish Proverb
  9. A man grows most tired while standing still. ~Chinese Proverb
  10. Who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure. ~Jewish Proverb
  11. A fool cannot undo the knot tied by a wise man. ~African Proverb
  12. A good neighbour increases the value if your property. ~Czech Proverb
  13. It is in the shelter of each other that the people live. ~Irish Proverb
  14. Don’t tell the man who’s carrying you that he stinks. ~African Proverb
  15. Everyone wants to live long, but no one wants to be called old. ~Icelandic Proverb
  16. Love many, trust few and always paddle your own canoe. ~American Proverb
  17. When the character of a man is not clear, look at his friends. ~Japanese Proverb
  18. A man profits more by the spectacle of a fool than by the speeches of the wise. ~African Proverb
  19. The child who’s not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel the warmth. ~African Proverb
  20. The forest was shrinking, but the trees kept voting for the axe, for the axe was clever and convinced the trees that because his handle was made of wood, he was one of them. ~Turkish Proverb

Proverbs from around the world (21 – 40):

  1. Need is a bad negotiator. ~Icelandic Proverb
  2. Gold, when beaten, shines. ~Peruvian Proverb
  3. The bitter heart eats its owner. ~Bantu Proverb
  4. A closed mouth catches no flies. ~French Proverb
  5. Truth is the first victim of war. ~African Proverb
  6. A tree doesn’t fall with one blow. ~Yiddish Proverb
  7. Character can be built on daily routine. ~Japanese Proverb
  8. Only a fool tests the water with both feet. ~African Proverb
  9. A talkative bird will not build a nest. ~West African Proverb
  10. The longer the tongue, the shorter the hands. ~Czech Proverb
  11. Worries go down better with soup than without. ~Jewish Proverb
  12. There is a deep sea between saying and doing. ~Italian Proverb
  13. Calm water does not mean there are no crocodiles. ~Indonesian Proverb
  14. Persistence can grind an iron beam into a needle. ~Chinese Proverb
  15. A mother will understand what her dumb son says. ~Georgian Proverb
  16. A diplomat must always think twice before he says nothing. ~Irish Proverb
  17. Listen a hundred times; ponder a thousand times; speak once. ~Turkish Proverb
  18. Luck sometimes visits a fool, but it never sits down with him. ~German Proverb
  19. Rejoice not at thine enemy’s fall, but don’t rush to pick him up either. ~Jewish Proverb
  20. A doctor will take care of the rich man; the poor man is cured with work. ~Polish Proverb
Phil Sutton

Proverbs from around the world (41 – 60):

  1. Blame is a lazy man’s wages. ~Danish Proverb
  2. A contented man is always rich. ~Latin Proverb
  3. A speaker of truth has no friends. ~African Proverb
  4. Silence is a fence around wisdom. ~German Proverb
  5. When deeds speak, words are nothing. ~African Proverb
  6. Bad is called good when worse happens. ~Norwegian Proverb
  7. The mother of idiots is always pregnant. ~Italian Proverb
  8. A man who cries all the time is not heard. ~African Proverb
  9. The smoother the path the easier it is to slip. ~Estonian Proverb
  10. Do not stand in a place of danger trusting in miracles. ~African Proverb
  11. Where you sit when you’re old shows where you stood in youth. ~African Proverb
  12. No matter the economy of the jungle, the lion will never eat grass. ~African Proverb
  13. Until the lion learns to write, every story will glorify the hunter. ~African Proverb
  14. To talk much and arrive nowhere is the same as climbing a tree to catch a fish. ~Chinese Proverb
  15. Do not confine your children to your own learning, for they were born in another time. ~Chinese Proverb
  16. The doctor demands his fees whether he has killed the illness or the patient. ~Polish Proverb
  17. Educate a man and you educate an individual. Educate a woman and you educate a nation. ~African Proverb
  18. The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks. ~Yiddish Proverb
  19. If men swear that they want to harm you when you’re asleep, you can go to sleep. If a woman says so, stay awake. ~African Proverb
  20. He who asks a question is a fool for a minute. He who does not ask a question remains a fool forever. ~Chinese Proverb

Proverbs from around the world (61 – 80):

  1. Who gives, has. ~Lithuanian Proverb
  2. Advisers run no risks. ~English Proverb
  3. Nothing is easy for the unwilling. ~Gaelic Proverb
  4. Adversity is the mother of wisdom. ~German Proverb
  5. Being happy is better than being king. ~African Proverb
  6. When the music changes, so does the dance. ~African Proverb
  7. If your face is ugly, you can’t blame the mirror. ~Chinese Proverb
  8. He who’s afraid of asking is ashamed of learning. ~Danish Proverb
  9. The eyes do not see what the mind does not want. ~Indian Proverb
  10. If you don’t want anyone to find out, don’t do it. ~Chinese Proverb
  11. Speak the truth but leave immediately afterwards. ~Slovenian Proverb
  12. A people without faith in themselves cannot survive. ~Chinese Proverb
  13. Be not afraid of going slowly. Be afraid of standing still. ~Japanese Proverb
  14. He who conquers his anger has conquered an enemy. ~German Proverb
  15. Never promise a poor person, and never owe a rich one. ~Brazilian Proverb
  16. Everybody loves a fool, but nobody wants him for a son. ~Ivorian Proverb
  17. Every time you laugh a nail is removed from your coffin. ~Honduran Proverb
  18. If you tell your secret to your friend, you will make him your master. ~Spanish Proverb
  19. If you forgive the fox for stealing your chickens, he will take your sheep. ~Georgian Proverb
  20. Honorable is the person who is aware of their power, yet refrains from inflicting harm on others. ~Egyptian Proverb
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Proverbs from around the world (81 – 101):

  1. Hate has no medicine. ~Ghanaian Proverb
  2. A dog with a bone knows no friend. ~Dutch Proverb
  3. A blind cat catches only a dead rat. ~Chinese Proverb
  4. Day has its eyes, night has its ears. ~Japanese Proverb
  5. Pride is the mask of one’s own faults. ~Jewish Proverb
  6. He that promises most will perform least. ~Gaelic Proverb
  7. A slave does not choose his master. ~Ghanaian Proverb
  8. A tailless dog cannot express his joy. ~Albanian Proverb
  9. Beloved children have many names. ~Hungarian Proverb
  10. Ask for advice then use your head. ~Norwegian Proverb
  11. Fear an ignorant man more than a lion. ~Turkish Proverb
  12. An idiot is eloquent when he stays silent. ~Japanese Proverb
  13. Always tell the truth in the form of a joke. ~Armenian Proverb
  14. A dog that barks all the time gets little attention. ~Argentine Proverb
  15. Choose your company before you choose your drink. ~Gaelic Proverb
  16. Familiarity breeds contempt; distance brings respect. ~African Proverb
  17. He who is unkind to his own will not be kind to others. ~Galician Proverb
  18. Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. ~Burmese Proverb
  19. Offer the lazy man an egg and he’ll want you to peel it for him. ~Lithuanian Proverb
  20. Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing. ~African Proverb
  21. Even though you know a thousand things, ask the man who knows one. ~Turkish Proverb

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What matters most in life? People or money?

What matters most in life? People or money? Think about that for a second or two.

Occasionally, I’m sure we all think to ourselves, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be rich and financially secure?

It sounds fantastic, doesn’t it? Money, money, money!

You’d be able to do whatever you want, travel anywhere, and buy anything.

Whether it’s a nice house, a fabulous car, the best clothes, the latest fashions, or the latest gadgets, you could have them all.

No more searching for cheap flights or even cheaper holidays.

And you wouldn’t have to worry about a job anymore, would you?

Wealth would mean the end to all your problems, surely?

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Wealth is not a life without problems:

If only it were that easy, dear reader.

Wealth, if you had it, might eliminate some of your problems, but it would also present you with lots of new ones.

Remember, riches may be chains of gold, but chains of gold are still chains.

Everyone has problems, regardless of any wealth and privileges they may enjoy. They’ll just have different problems.

Caretaker of your possessions:

If wealth is something you’ve yet to experience, then it may not be obvious to you, but once you’ve got plenty of money, you become the caretaker of your possessions.

You worry about losing your wealth. And you worry about the volatility of financial markets and how your wealth will be affected, both now and in the long term.

When you’ve got money, plenty of people will be hoping they can separate you from at least some of it. It seems like everyone is trying to sell you something and/or give you advice at a price.

Others will resent your wealth:

And don’t forget, many people will resent you for your wealth. Not everyone will be happy for you, that’s for sure.

Then you become a magnet for criminals, con artists, and even politicians who want a piece of your wealth.

You don’t know who you can trust anymore.

Do people become your friends because they like you, or are they simply after your money?

Once you’ve got wealth, it’s virtually impossible to know.

The impact of instant wealth:

However much you may dream of winning the lottery, for instance, it would have an impact on your life in ways you couldn’t begin to imagine. It wouldn’t solve all your problems; it would present you with many more.

If you’ve suddenly gained wealth and your friends haven’t, then your relationship with them is unlikely ever to be the same again. Even if you share some of your sudden wealth with them, it’s unlikely to help.

Whatever you share with people from your winnings will just create tensions within your friendship group. Why did you give her X, and I only got Y? That will be one accusation you’ll hear frequently, for instance.

What matters most in life? 

If you are wealthy, dear reader, I’m pleased for you. Enjoy it all.

For those people working hard to become rich, good luck to you. I hope you achieve your goals and enjoy your wealth when you find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

However, whatever your financial circumstances, never forget this: only people matter.

You can have all the money in the world, but without your family and close friends, you would have absolutely nothing at all.

It’s the people in our lives that make life worth living.

They make us laugh, and they make us cry. They’re there for us when we need someone to listen, someone to put an arm around our shoulder and tell us that everything will be fine, and someone to give us a pat on the back when we’ve done well.

Money might make life comfortable, but does it make you rich? I don’t think it does.

If your life is blessed with good people who care about you, then that’s when you’re truly rich. If you also have a sense of purpose and a hobby, then you have all you need. Anything else is a bonus.

Money is nice to have, of course, and I wouldn’t discourage anyone from seeking to build wealth. Quite the contrary, you should always be trying to build your little nest egg for the future.

However, money alone will not make you happy. To be happy, your life needs people, purpose, and a pastime.

These are the things that matter.

Money is simply the icing on the cake. It is nice to have, but it is not essential to your happiness. Whereas having people in your life is essential to your happiness.

If you could only have either money or family and friends, which would you choose?

I’d choose the people every time.

Phil Sutton

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9 hilariously funny jokes that’ll tickle you silly

If you’re looking for some hilariously funny jokes, dear reader, then I have nine gems today that will tickle you silly. I’m confident they’ll brighten your day.

So take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them all.

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Hilariously funny jokes:

1. National identity:

A Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a foreign war.

Their situation was quite desperate when the leader of their captors suddenly announced, “As enemies of our people, you’ll all be shot by firing squad. You’ll each be shot in turn. However, we’re civilised people, so first you’ll each be allowed a final request.

The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to hear ‘Flower of Scotland’ played by the Band of the Scots Guards, to remind me of happy days in bonny Scotland.” He then shouts, “Scotland forever!

The Welshman says, “Well, I’d like to hear ‘Men of Harlech’ sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir to remind me of the green, green grass of home and those happy times when I lived in the Valleys.” He then shouts, “God bless the Land of my Fathers!

The Irishman, not to be outdone, says, “For me, I want to hear ‘Danny Boy’ just one more time to remind me of the auld country. I want it sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell.” Then, taking his lead from his Celtic cousins, he shouts, “Éirinn go Brách.

The leader of their captors then looks at the Englishman who’s remained silent up to this point. “So, Englishman, what’s your request?” he says.

The Englishman responds, “I’d like to be shot first.

2. Nun outside a Dublin bar:

A guy is walking into a Dublin bar, and standing right outside the door is a nun.

Top of the morning to you, sister!” says the guy with a smile.

The nun looks at him sternly and says, “Before you enter this den of iniquity, please think about your mother and your father.

But, sister, my poor mother and father have long since passed away, sadly. They’re with the angels now,” the guy responds.

Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain,” says the nun.

Sister, what are you talking about? Have you ever had a drink?” asks the guy.

No! Certainly not!” says the nun.

Then in the name of God, sister, how can you say it damages the brain if you’ve never actually had a drink?” asks the guy.

The guy thinks for a minute, and then he says, “Listen, sister, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go in and get you a drink, you can try it, and if you don’t like it, then you can talk about it. But you can’t talk about something you’ve never even experienced.

The nun says, “Aye, alright, I’ll try a drink.

The guy then says, “So, what’ll you have then?

I don’t know”, says the nun, “What do ladies generally drink?

The guy says, “All the ones I know like a glass of gin.

The nun smiles and says, “Alright, I’ll have a gin, but get it in a cup so no one will notice.”

So the guy goes into the bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a pint of Guinness, please, bartender and a large gin. But can you put the gin in a cup?

The barman smiles at him and says, “Jeez, is that feckin’ nun hanging around outside again?

3. Life in Hell:

John did his best to lead a good and honest life, but sadly, upon his passing, he was allocated a place in Hell.

John arrives at the gates of Hell, a little disappointed, and he’s looking fairly despondent when another man walks up to him and says, “Hello, I’m Jim, you’re looking a little glum.

To which John replies, “Well, I thought I’d be enjoying a place in heaven right now, but nothing ever works out like you think it will, does it?

Seeing John’s not very happy, Jim tries to cheer him up. “Listen, buddy, Hell isn’t so bad really.

John says, “Really?

Yeah, really”, says Jim. “Hey, do you like beer?

Yes I love beer”, John responds.

Then you’ll love Fridays here in Hell. Every Friday is beer day. We drink gallons and gallons of beer all day long. There’s no limit, you can drink as much as you like”, says Jim.

Doesn’t that make you sick and give you a terrible hangover?” asks John

No! We’re dead! It does not affect us”, says Jim. “Hey, do you like dope?

Well, I did smoke a little Mary Jane in my College days”, says John.

Then you’ll love Saturdays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Saturday, we smoke dope all day long. We smoke doobies as big as submarines. It’s fantastic.

Doesn’t that make you sick?” asks John

No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Do you like food?

Sure, who doesn’t like food? I love food,” says John.

Then you’re going to love Sundays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Sunday they roast Ox; a whole one for each of us. We stuff ourselves with roast Ox and all the trimmings all day long. In Hell, we do everything to excess and doing everything to excess is mandatory here. We’re dead, so no worries.

Wow!” says John. “Hell actually sounds like a really cool place.

It does, doesn’t it?” Jim responds.

Hey, are you Gay?” Jim then asks.

No”, says John, “I like to sleep with women.

Jim frowns and says, “Hmm, in that case, you’ll hate Mondays.

4. Unrealistic expectations:

A recent engineering graduate is having an interview for his first job with a big technology company.

The young graduate is fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and he’s clearly very impressed with himself.

As the interview is nearing an end, the Human Resources officer asks him, “So John, what are your expectations in terms of a starting salary?

The young graduate replies, “Well, I’d be looking for something in the region of $125,000 a year. However, the exact figure I’d accept would depend on the benefits package.

His interviewer smiles and says, “Well, John, what would you say to 5 weeks’ annual vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental cover, the company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, plus a company car, say a Ford Mustang GT?

The young graduate engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?

The HR officer replies, “Yes, of course I am, John, but you started it.

5. Bus full of ugly people:

A bus full of ugly people is involved in a head-on collision with a truck and all the passengers are killed.

They all arrive in heaven and, feeling sorry for them, God decides they can each have one wish.

A woman is the first person and she says, “I want to be gorgeous.

So God snaps his fingers and suddenly she is stunningly attractive.

A man is next and he makes a similar request. “I want to be handsome,” he says.

This goes on with each passenger in turn essentially making the same request. They all want to be irresistibly good-looking.

With a number of passengers yet to express their wishes, God notices that the last man in the line who has also yet to make a request is laughing hysterically.

By the time God gets to the last few people, the last man in the line is laughing uncontrollably and he’s rolling around on the ground.

When it comes to his turn the man laughs some more and then says, “I wish they’re all ugly again.

Moral of the story: In any group, there’s always one person hell-bent on making life difficult for everyone else.

Phil Sutton

6. A child’s view:

One evening, young Grace was sitting next to her grandfather as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time, Grace would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch her grandfather’s wrinkled face.

Fascinated by the lines on his face, she touched his cheek and then she touched her own, comparing how they felt so different.

After some thought, Grace asked, “Grandpa, did God make you?

He looked at her, smiled and said, “Yes, sweetheart, God made me a very long time ago.

Grace paused momentarily and then asked, “Did God make me too?

Her grandfather smiled and then responded, “Yes, munchkin, God made you too, but not so very long ago.

Grace touched his face once again and then she whispered, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?

7. The warrior and the old man:

A fleeing warrior is lost in the desert and he’s in desperate need of water.

Suddenly he sees what he thinks is a bar far off in the distance.

Hoping he might find water there, he hurries towards the bar only to find a little old man selling ties.

The warrior asks, “Do you have any water?

The old replies, “No I don’t have any water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.

The warrior is irritated by his response and says, “No! I don’t need an overpriced tie right now. I need water! Do you realize I’m armed? I could kill you. However, I must find water first.

Alright,” says the old man, “It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you don’t like me. I will show you that I’m the bigger person. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant, owned by my brother. It will have all the ice-cold water you need. God be with you“.

Muttering, the warrior staggers off over the hill.

Several hours later he staggers back, almost dead.

Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.

8. The magic trick:

Two broke and hungry friends, Bill and George walk into a pastry shop in Manhattan.

As the baker’s back is turned, Bill grabs three cookies quickly and stuffs them in his trouser pocket with lightning speed.

The baker’s back is still turned, so he doesn’t notice.

Bill smiles at George, winks his eye and says, “Did you see that? Did you see how clever I was there? You’ll never beat that will you?

Really? Do you think so? Watch this.” George replies.

He then says to the baker, “If you’ll give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick. And I promise you, you’ll be impressed.

So the baker hands him a cookie which George then eats.

Then George says to the baker: “I’ll need another cookie from you for my magic trick to work.

The baker is a bit suspicious but he gives George another cookie. Once again he eats the cookie.

Then George says, “I’m really sorry but I’ll need one more cookie if this trick is to work.

The baker is really not amused by now and he says, “Is this some kind of joke?

George assures him the trick is genuine and all will be revealed after the next Cookie. So the baker gives him another cookie which George promptly eats, once again.

The baker is starting to get mad and he yells, “So where’s the magic?

George points at Bill and then says: “You’ll find three cookies in this guy’s pocket. That’s magic!

9. A woman golfing:

A woman is out golfing. Playing off the first tee, she’s not quite got her swing right and she slices the ball on her first attempt and watches it disappear deep into the woods.

Not a great start she thinks. So she trudges off looking for her ball.

As she’s scratching around in the woods she can’t find her ball but she does find a frog stuck in a trap.

The frog is relieved to have finally been discovered, having been stuck there for quite some time. So the frog says to the woman, “Lady if you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.

Now, who wouldn’t want three wishes? So the woman immediately frees the frog.

The frog is grateful but then says, “Lady, thank you. I appreciate your help. However, I failed to mention that there will be a condition to your wishes.

A little puzzled, the woman asks, “And what’s that?

Well,” says the frog, “Whatever you wish for, your husband will also receive but multiplied by a factor of ten!

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s fine.

Then for her first wish, she says, “I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog smiles but warns her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world? He will be an Adonis and no woman will be able to resist his charms.

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s alright, because I will be the most beautiful woman in the world, so he will only have eyes for me.

With that there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is immediately transformed into the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog then says, “And for your second wish? What would you like?

For her second wish, the woman says, “I want to be the richest woman in the world.

Once again the frog feels compelled to issue a warning. “Lady, this will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman says, “That’s fine. We’re married, so what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.

Once again there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is suddenly the richest woman in the world.

The frog then says, “Right, it’s now time for your final wish. What will it be?

The woman replies, “I’d like a mild heart attack.

Moral of the story: Women are clever. So don’t mess with them.

Attention Ladies: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.

Male Readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

NOTE: And ladies if you’re still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen to men.

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Please share the fun:

I hope you found these hilariously funny jokes amusing, dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these hilariously funny jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for being so supportive.

7 inspirational quotes about marriage

Let’s explore some inspirational quotes about marriage.

Marriage can be a thorny subject for some and a source of great pleasure for others. If a successful marriage is your aim, then you’ll need to master the art of compromise, as well as choose a life partner for whom you have the greatest respect and whose company you enjoy.

Friendship is at the heart of any successful marriage, and friendship is a relationship of equals.

That means the power dynamic in your relationship must be balanced. Both parties must feel that their needs are being met.

You’re a team, and as with all teams, each of you has a role to play. One person cannot be expected to bear the burden of doing everything while the other person does nothing. That’s not fair, nor is it sustainable.

A successful marriage can be your greatest investment. Choose your partner wisely, and a successful relationship can be yours. Whereas, failing to choose carefully could prove to be painful for all concerned.

So today, I offer you seven inspirational quotes about marriage to help you reflect on what is one of life’s great institutions.

Remember this: choose well and nurture your relationship, and it can last a lifetime.

Find the right partner, and you’ll appreciate their presence in your life with each passing year and much more so as you get older.

Inspirational Quotes About Marriage
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Inspirational quotes about marriage:

  1. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ~Socrates
  2. Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife. ~Franz Schubert
  3. It is not a lack of love but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
  4. My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. ~Winston Churchill
  5. Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without. ~James Dobson
  6. The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. You know they’re right if you love to be with them all the time. ~Julia Child
  7. Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect. If it’s not based on respect, nothing that appears to be goodwill lasts very long. ~Amy Grant

If you like poetry, this poem about marriage might appeal to you. It certainly conveys my philosophy about marriage and finding a life partner.

Marriage Poem

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When you share, everyone wins.

Please share this post now. If you do, I’ll be ever so grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

I appreciate your support. Thank you, dear reader.

Phil Sutton

7 inspirational quotes about happiness

Today, I am exploring quotes about happiness.

If I were to conduct a survey of readers on the question of happiness, I’m fairly sure that most people would say that, whilst they want to be happy, they have yet to achieve that state of mind consistently.

Why is that, do you think?

I think it’s because we’re always chasing what we haven’t got.

Being happy requires us to be content with what we have got. If we’re always chasing more, then by definition we can’t be content with what we’ve got, can we?

So if you want to be happy, then I think the trick is to learn to enjoy whatever it is that you’ve actually got, rather than fretting about those things that you’d like to possess but you don’t right now.

Take pleasure in the moment, whenever you can, and always look for the positives in any situation.

Happiness is a state of mind. You can choose to be happy or not.

It’s all down to the way you choose to look at the world.

You can allow things to bother you, or you can say, “I’m not going to worry about stuff I can’t change; I’ll just focus on enjoying my life for what it is and make the best of it.”

Here are 7 inspirational quotes about happiness to help you think about what it all means.

Quotes About Happiness
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Quotes about happiness:

  1. I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself in. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstances but by our disposition. ~Martha Washington
  2. It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. ~Agnes Repplier
  3. Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama
  4. Be happy with what you have and are, be generous with both, and you won’t have to hunt for happiness. ~William E. Gladstone
  5. Happiness cannot be travelled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. ~Denis Waitley
  6. There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things that are beyond the power of our will. ~Epictetus
  7. Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present. ~Jim Rohn

Please share these quotes with your friends:

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So please share now. If you do, I will be ever so grateful.

Thank you.

Phil Sutton

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How to turn enterprise into money and riches

Today, the question I am exploring is how to turn enterprise into money and riches. But let’s start with a quote.

The media personality and former rock star Bob Geldof’s communication style tends to be blunt and to the point. He’s not a man to sugarcoat his words, or so it seems. However, he does make an important point here.

People may tell you that money isn’t important, but next to oxygen, it’s essential for a life worth living. You couldn’t live long without it today.

Exactly how much money you need depends on your preferred lifestyle, of course. However, even for a fairly basic lifestyle, a reasonable income is necessary.

None of us wants to be poor, of course. Fortunately, we don’t have to be. It’s possible to turn enterprise into money and then money into wealth and riches.

And what do I mean by enterprise? I mean your energy, your resourcefulness, your imagination, your know-how and skills, your ambition, and your determination to make life better for you and your loved ones.

Essentially, you can make your life better simply by making it better for other people.

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What is work?

The key message today is that you don’t need to be employed by a commercial enterprise or corporation to earn money.

While being employed is one way to earn money, it’s also perfectly feasible to establish your own business and earn a living by being self-employed.

And in the age of the Internet, it’s never been easier to start a business, even if you have very little money to invest.

Remember also that you can start a business initially as a part-time side hustle while being employed until it’s generating enough income for that business to become your primary means of making a living.

And never forget, for most people, the only way you’ll ever get seriously rich is through your own business.

Certainly, unless you’re a Wall Street investment banker or a lawyer, you’re unlikely to get seriously rich being someone’s employee, trading your time for money.

The key to success in business

The key to success in your own business is to find a way to solve problems for people for profit. That’s the way to turn your enterprise into money. And it’s a lot easier than you might imagine.

Let’s face it, there’ll always be plenty of customers for products and services, some of which are yet to be invented.

People will always have problems, and they’ll always need solutions to those problems.

Remember, every product sold by a company is a solution to a problem, or at least it should be.

Turn enterprise into money

-If you continually educate yourself on skills and know-how, then you can create wealth by seeking out customers for whom you can deliver solutions to their problems and/or provide them with services for which they have a need.

If you can satisfy those customers, then you’ll make money, and quite possibly a lot of money, if you can scale up that business as your customer base grows.

Manage your money wisely, and you can build your wealth too.

Determination, hard work, and an eye for problems to be solved are the main ingredients for business success. Your enterprise really can lead you to great wealth.

You don’t have to be poor

You don’t have to be poor unless you’ve given up and you’re just accepting that being poor is your lot in life. It’s not, and nor should it be.

You’re perfectly capable of generating your income, dear reader.

You just need to do stuff for other people and find a way to add value to their lives. In this case, adding value means solving problems or making their lives easier and/or better in some way.

Help yourself by helping others get what they need

It all comes down to your willingness to find a way to serve others. Simple!

There are opportunities there for you to take every single day of the week if you’re enterprising and ready to solve problems for other people. However, you do need to be fleet-footed.

The best time to start a business might have been last year, but the next best time is right now.

And age is no barrier to starting a business either. Remember, Colonel Sanders was 65 years old when he started KFC, and Ray Kroc was 52 when he started building the business we know as McDonald’s.

It can be done, and people do. Why not you? Go on, just go for it! Real riches can be yours.

Good luck!

Phil Sutton

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Thank you.

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15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes to brighten your day

15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes

Today, I am exploring Cosmo Kramer quotes.

One of the most memorable sitcom characters of all time has to be Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld, played by the excellent Michael Richards. So let’s take a look back at some of the best Cosmo Kramer quotes that made us all smile back in the day.

If you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Cosmo Kramer, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom on YouTube. They’re all brilliant and well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out, but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes, which I hope will brighten your day.

Cosmo Kramer quotes
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Cosmo Kramer Quotes:

  1. Look away, I’m hideous.
  2. She’s got the Jimmy legs!
  3. Moles … freckles’ ugly cousin.
  4. Just make love to that wall, pervert.
  5. You’re as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.
  6. Yeah, don’t worry, Jerry. We’re right on this guy like stink on a monkey.
  7. Because I’m like ice, buddy. When I don’t like you, you’ve got problems.
  8. Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak; you sell the sizzle.
  9. There’s nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of a woman.
  10. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure, my twinkle! Everything I have, I owe to this face.
  11. Now, what does the little man inside you say? See, you gotta listen to the little man.
  12. Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious.
  13. I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
  14. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!
  15. Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humour. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find any of these Cosmo Kramer quotes memorable and amusing, dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me, then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

Phil Sutton

5 of the best funny jokes you’ll read today

Looking for some of the best funny jokes to brighten your day? Then there are 5 little gems here that should make you smile.

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them.

Best Funny Jokes
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Best funny jokes:

1. Career change:

Bill’s a gynaecologist by profession, but he was getting bored with his job, so he decided that it was time for a career change.

In his spare time, Bill had always had a passion for fast cars, so getting involved with cars in some way seemed like a good thing to do.

After a few weeks of reflection, Bill decides to retrain as a car mechanic.

He takes a course at his local adult education college and studies very hard.

Eventually, it’s time for him to take the official examination to qualify as a car mechanic.

Now Bill needs to get a minimum score of 60% if he’s to pass the exam but he finishes with a score of 110%.

Well, the college principal is puzzled. How can anyone get 110%?

So, he calls in the examiner and asks, “How is it that this guy was given 110% in the exam? You think he’s something special just because he used to be a doctor?

“Well, sir,” said the examiner, “his theoretical test was perfect, and his practical test was exceptional. I asked him to tune the engine. He did it perfectly. I asked him to change the oil. Again, he did it perfectly. And then I asked him to change the spark plugs. Yet again, he did it perfectly.

So what?” says the principal. “He did everything right, so that usually means 100%, surely? Why 110%?

He did everything through the exhaust pipe,” the examiner replied.

2. The new restaurant:

Jack and Barney were two elderly gentlemen sitting and talking in Jack’s living room.

Eventually, their conversation touches on the subject of food.

Hey,” says Jack, “last week we went out to a new restaurant, and the food was fantastic. I would definitely recommend it.”

Really?” says Barney. “What’s the name of this restaurant?

Well, Jack had to give that some thought, as his memory wasn’t what it was.

After a few moments, Jack said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? The red one with thorns.”

You mean a rose?” said Barney.

Yeah, that’s the one,” Jack replied.

He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last week?

3. Memory problems:

Arthur, Chester, and Clarence are three elderly brothers who are 92, 94, and 96, respectively, and still living together.

One night Clarence fills his bathtub with water, ready to take a bath. After a few moments, he puts his right foot in the tub and then pauses momentarily.

He then yells down to his brothers, “Was I getting in or out of the tub?

Chester yells back immediately, “I don’t know, Clarence. Give me a moment, and I’ll come upstairs and check it for you.”

With that, Chester starts climbing the stairs.

After taking a few steps, he pauses. He then yells, “Was I going up the stairs or down?

Arthur is sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee, and he can’t help smiling at his brothers’ memory problems.

He shakes his head and then says, “Jeez, I hope I never get as forgetful as you two.

With that, Arthur knocks on the wooden table a couple of times for good luck.

He then pauses before he yells, “I’ll be up to help both of you in a minute, as soon as I see who’s at the door.

4. Spanish vacation:

Jane and Phil are a married couple who are taking a well-earned vacation in Spain.

After a day of sightseeing, they decide to go to a nice Spanish restaurant for dinner.

As they’re being seated at their table, they can’t help but notice that the couple on the next table are being served a dish with two of the largest meatballs they’ve ever seen.

When the waiter arrives to take their order, Phil asks, “The meatball dish the couple on the next table is having looks delicious; what is it?

The waiter smiles and then says, “Señor, the meatballs are the testicles from the bull killed in the bullfight this afternoon. This dish is a classic in Spain.

It looks great, says Phil. “We’ve decided we’re both going to try it.

Ah, señor,” the waiter responds, “for this dish we only have one serving each day, for obvious reasons. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we can hold them for you.”

Determined to try this classic Spanish dish, the couple arrive early the following day to place their order.

They sit at their table, enjoying a glass of Sangria whilst they wait for their much-anticipated meatball dish.

Eventually, the dish arrives, but the meatballs are disappointingly small.

Phil calls the waiter over and says, “What’s this? Yesterday’s testicles were enormous. Today they’re tiny in comparison.”

The waiter smiles politely and then says, “Señor, I’m so sorry, but today the bull won.

5. Pay attention:

A college professor is starting the new academic year with the Veterinary Medicine 101 class.

The professor welcomes the new class and then says, “In veterinary medicine, there are two important qualities you’ll need as a veterinarian. The first quality is that you must never be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.

The professor paused momentarily to allow the class time to reflect on his comment.

He then pulled back the sheet in front of him and stuck his finger into the butt of the dead cow that was under the sheet. After a moment he withdrew his finger and immediately stuck his finger into his mouth.

Now, go ahead,” said the professor to the students. “I want you to do what I’ve just done.”

Well, there was much hysteria in the class, and they all hesitated for several minutes before anyone was willing to have a go. However, eventually, they all took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and then sucking it. Naturally, this was followed by a lot of retching and spitting.

Once they’d all had the chance to complete this first task, the professor continued, “Now the second most important quality you’ll need as a Veterinarian is observation.”

Once again, he paused momentarily to allow the class time to reflect on his comment.

If you’d been watching me carefully,” the professor continued, “you’d have noticed that it was my middle finger that I inserted into the cow. Whereas it was my index finger that I sucked. So, today’s lesson is this. You’ll need to learn to pay attention if you’re going to succeed as a vet.”

Phil Sutton

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