15 Very Funny One-Liners by Billy Connolly

Billy ConnollyBilly Connolly is known to millions around the world as an irreverent comedian with a laser-sharp wit, as well as being an exceptional storyteller.

Often known affectionately as The Big Yin his contribution to popular entertainment, particularly in Britain over the past 40 years, has been enormous.

He started life working as a welder in the Glasgow shipyards, and moved on to a career as a folk singer, initially with Gerry Rafferty and then as a solo artist.

Through that he gradually found his natural calling which was to make us all laugh and cheer us up. And at this he excels.

From his work as a comedian, he’s broadened his popular appeal through acting and presenting. And in recognition of his achievements and his charitable work he is now formally Sir William Connolly, CBE.

Billy Connolly is an excellent example of someone who by finding something he both enjoys and excels at, has been very successful.

So today dear reader I offer you 15 very funny one-liners by Billy Connolly just to remind you of how witty he is. Enjoy them all.

Funny one-liners by Billy Connolly:

  1. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on. ~Billy Connolly
  2. Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~Billy Connolly
  3. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~Billy Connolly
  4. Who discovered we could get milk from cows and what did he think he was doing at the time? ~Billy Connolly
  5. I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. ~Billy Connolly
  6. I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra. I’m never likely to go there. ~Billy Connolly
  7. If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? ~Billy Connolly
  8. A lot of people say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer f***. ~Billy Connolly
  9. What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? ~Billy Connolly
  10. When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? ~Billy Connolly
  11. When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it. ~Billy Connolly
  12. Why do people say ‘Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?’ Dead right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it? ~Billy Connolly
  13. A bird in the hand invariably shits on your wrist. ~Billy Connolly
  14. When you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks, ‘Has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came would I be standing here?  ~Billy Connolly
  15. My advice to you if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. ~Billy Connolly

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29 hilarious jokes for 10-year-olds that’ll amuse adults too

Jokes for 10-year-oldsThere’s an inner child in all of us. If you love childish jokes then here are 29 hilarious jokes for 10-year-olds that I’m confident will amuse a lot of adults too.

Enjoy them all and then pass them on to the children in your life.

Jokes for 10-year-olds:

  1. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
  2. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
  3. Where do you manufacture average things? A satisfactory.
  4. How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.
  5. I broke my finger last week but, on the other hand, I’m fine.
  6. What sits at the bottom of the sea twitching? A nervous wreck.
  7. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  8. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
  9. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? Well, the flag’s a big plus.
  10. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.
  11. No one is completely useless. We can always serve as a warning to others.
  12. Why don’t math majors go to parties? Because they don’t drink and derive.
  13. What do you call a line of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
  14. A parachute isn’t essential for skydiving, unless you want to go skydiving twice.
  15. Why should you never date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
  16. You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If it doesn’t come home, it was only a pigeon.
  17. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
  18. Jokes for 10-year-oldsWhat do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t really matter because it’s not going to come to you anyway.
  19. My girlfriend accused me of being immature, so I told her she couldn’t play with my toys anymore.
  20. Women used to call me ugly until they realised how much I earn. Now they call me ugly and poor.
  21. What did Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes; the worst of thymes.
  22. What did the bald man say when he was given a comb as a gift? Thanks, I’ll never part with that.”
  23. Verdana, Arial and Times New Roman walked into a bar and the bartender shouts, “Sorry but we don’t serve your type!”
  24. I saw a guy spill his Scrabble game all over the sidewalk and I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
  25. A Roman legionnaire walked into a bar, holds up two fingers and says to the bartender, “Five beers please.”
  26. A woman in labor suddenly started shouting, “Couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t, can’t, won’t ………” The doctor smiled and said, “Don’t worry mam, they’re just contractions.”
  27. A woman says, “Help me, doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter.” The doctor smiled and said, “I’m sorry, I’m not following you.”
  28. The Preacher said to John, “Come forth and you’ll receive eternal life.” Unfortunately, John came fifth but he did win a year’s supply of Todd’s Snickerdoodles.
  29. A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a vodka and ………..Coke please.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?” The bear shrugs and says, “I don’t know, I was born with them.”

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If any of these jokes for 10-year-olds made you smile then please share this post with your children, as well as your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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19 funny jokes to tell your friends and make them smile

Funny jokes to tell your friendsToday I thought you might appreciate some funny jokes to tell your friends.

If you can entertain people and tell a joke or two then you’ll always have friends. We all love to laugh, and people who are amusing are immediately likeable. So, if you want to be likeable, always have a few jokes in your back pocket.

If you want to make your friends smile, here are 19 funny jokes to tell your friends. Enjoy them all.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

  1. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was too tired.
  2. Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
  3. What kind of tree will fit into your hand? A palm tree.
  4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
  5. How do you kill a circus clown? You go for the juggler.
  6. Where do cows go on a Saturday night? To the moo-vies.
  7. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He just pasta way.
  8. I used to work in a shoe recycling factory but it was sole destroying.
  9. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  10. What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look, I’m about to change.
  11. I married Miss Right. It was only later that I realized her first name was Always.
  12. My wife told me that I must stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
  13. What is grammar? It’s the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
  14. Why did the girl get hit by a bike every day? Because she was stuck in a vicious cycle.
  15. A Hot Dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry but we don’t serve food here.”
  16. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
  17. A thief broke into my house the other night searching for money. He woke me up, so I thought I might as well help him search for it, even though I wasn’t optimistic we’d find anything.
  18. A cop pulls a guy over and says, “Your eyes are awfully red, have you been drinking?” To which the guy responds, “Well, your eyes are awfully glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
  19. WIFE: Pack your bags, I’ve won the lottery. HUSBAND: Oh, wow! Are we going on holiday? WIFE: No! You’re leaving! I’ve won the lottery!

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these jokes as good as you’d hoped? Were they worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

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10 silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

Silly JokesIf jokes that are just a little bit silly appeal to you, then here are 10 silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh.

These are the sort of jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers. Corny but you just can’t help laughing at them. Well groaning anyway.

Certainly they all made me smile and I hope you enjoy them too dear reader.

Today’s Silly Jokes:

  • What do you call an alligator in a vest?
  • An investigator.

 

  • What kind of car does Mickey Mouse’s wife drive?
  • A Minnie van!

 

  • What do you get when you cross a dog with an antenna?
  • A Golden Receiver.

 

  • Where should a 600-pound gorilla go?
  • On a diet

 

  • What has one head, one foot and four legs?
  • A bed.

 

  • What did the stamp say to the envelope?
  • Stick with me and we’ll go places!

 

  • What would happen if you threw yellow sneakers into the Red Sea?
  • They’d get wet.

 

  • Why did the photograph go to jail?
  • Because it was framed.

 

  • What would Bears become without Bees?
  • Ears.

 

  • Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
  • Because then it would be a foot!

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If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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15 Quotes by Bob Newhart

Quotes by Bob NewhartThere are many fine comedians and many of the finest are American in my opinion.

And I think one of the funniest American comedians of all time is Bob Newhart. He’s certainly made me laugh out loud, many times.

Many years ago I was fortunate enough to stumble upon his audio recording the Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart and from that moment on I was absolutely hooked.

This album was one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

Imagine my situation, I’m sitting in my car waiting for the traffic lights to turn green. Suddenly on my car radio, they play the Tobacco sketch from that album. It was so funny it had me laughing so much that people around me were starting to stare at me as if I’d gone mad. It really was that funny.

If you’re unfamiliar with Bob Newhart’s work then I recommend you check him out. And a good place to start would be Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart. It’s still available on Amazon.

However before you check it out, here are 15 quotes by Bob Newhart, some of which reflect his humor, some reflect his sense of the absurd and some are just thought-provoking.

Quotes by Bob Newhart:

  1. The only way to survive is to have a sense of humor. ~Bob Newhart
  2. Don’t be silly and don’t waste your time. ~Bob Newhart
  3. Don’t live in the past. There’s no point. You can’t change anything. What a waste of time. ~Bob Newhart
  4. I don’t like country music but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’. ~Bob Newhart
  5. People are meant to be in certain places, and I think I’m meant to be on a sound stage doing situation comedy. ~Bob Newhart
  6. The best advice I was probably given and the best advice I could give someone who is trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills. ~Bob Newhart
  7. Comedians are innately programmed to pick up oddities like mispronounced words, upside-down books on a shelf, and generally undetectable mistakes in everyday life. ~Bob Newhart
  8. I don’t know how doctors pick one speciality over another. Some you can understand. Paediatricians or gynaecologists delivering babies, bringing a new life into the world, but how does someone want to be a proctologist? How can you fall in love with proctology? ~Bob Newhart
  9. With the advent of cell phones, especially with the very small microphone that attach to the cell phone itself, it’s getting harder and harder I find, to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. ~Bob Newhart
  10. I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage. ~Bob Newhart
  11. All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world. ~Bob Newhart
  12. Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. ~Bob Newhart
  13. Probably the best advice I ever got in my life was from the head of the accounting department, Mr. Hutchinson, at the Glidden Company in Chicago, and he told me, ‘You really aren’t cut out for accounting.’ ~Bob Newhart
  14. I just made the decision that I was going to try comedy, and if didn’t work, then I knew it didn’t work. Then I would go back and do whatever. But at least I wouldn’t torture myself the rest of my life, wondering whatever would have happened. ~Bob Newhart
  15. All I can say about life is, ‘Oh God, enjoy it!’ ~Bob Newhart

If you’re not familiar with Bob Newhart’s work then I  can strongly recommend you listen to the Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart. I can also recommend The Button-Down Mind Strikes Back!

These audio recordings are both funny and well worth your time. Well worth buying your own copies too. I think so anyway.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Bob Newhart interesting and thought-provoking?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated.

Thank you.

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21 funny quotes you’ll absolutely love

Funny QuotesI love quotes and I love those funny quotes that make you smile and make you think.

Here are 21 funny quotes to highlight my point. Enjoy them all.

Funny quotes:

  1. Smile today because tomorrow could be worse. ~Anonymous
  2. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. ~Anonymous
  3. I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. ~Anonymous
  4. You’re born free then you’re taxed to death. ~Anonymous
  5. He who wakes up early yawns all day long. ~Anonymous
  6. I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed. ~Anonymous
  7. Those who snore always fall asleep first. ~Anonymous
  8. Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all, intelligence has its limits. ~Anonymous
  9. I just wanted you to know somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. ~Anonymous
  10. “Revenge” sounds so mean, that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.” ~Anonymous
  11. The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you’re with someone you’re not supposed to be seen with. ~Anonymous
  12. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right. ~Anonymous
  13. To make a mistake is human but to blame it on someone else, now that’s even more human.
    ~Anonymous
  14. It may look like I’m doing nothing but in my head, I’m quite busy. ~Anonymous
  15. When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window. ~Anonymous
  16. Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re done. ~Anonymous
  17. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. ~Anonymous
  18. I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live. ~Anonymous
  19. Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you’re bad luck. ~Anonymous
  20. I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop making me angry! ~Anonymous
  21. My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. ~Anonymous

Funny QuotesIf you enjoyed these funny quotes, please share them:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny quotes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share

 them now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

Witty quotes I love witty quotes from the funniest people and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share some of them with you dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  6. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

Please share this post with your friends:

Do you agree that these are some of the best witty quotes, dear reader?

You do? I hope so anyway.

If you did enjoy them then please, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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3 Good jokes guaranteed to make you smile

Good JokesIf you’re looking for some good jokes then look no further dear reader. I have three very good jokes for you today.

They all made me laugh out loud and I’m confident they’ll amuse you too.

So enjoy them all now.

Some very good jokes:

1. The duck hunter:

Dave was a keen duck hunter and he’d been looking to buy a new bird dog for quite a while.

Dave’s search ended when he found an amazing dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Naturally, Dave was pleased with his discovery but he was sure that his friends wouldn’t believe he’d found a dog that could walk on water.

So he decided to break the news to his friend Paul, a pessimist who was rarely impressed by anything.

Hoping for once he might actually impress Paul, Dave invited him on a hunting trip to experience the dog first hand.

However, Dave didn’t mention the dog’s special talent, as he wanted Paul to see it for himself.

Arriving in the woods, the two men and the dog found a suitable spot by the lake and waited for some ducks to appear. And it wasn’t long before some ducks flew overhead.

Both men fired their shotguns and a duck fell from the sky and landed on the lake.

The dog responded by walking across the water, without sinking, and retrieving the duck. Apart from the soles of its feet, the dog didn’t get wet at all.

This continued throughout the day.

Each time a duck fell, the dog retrieved it by walking across the water, without getting wet.

Determined to remain unimpressed, Paul observed everything but he didn’t say a word.

On the drive home, Dave couldn’t resist it any longer and he said to Paul, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog Paul?

Yes, I did”, said Paul. “He can’t swim.”

2. Grizzly bears on the Appalachian Trail:

A tourist guide was explaining the dangers of grizzly bears to hikers about to walk the Appalachian Trail from Springer Mountain, Georgia.

The guide warned, “You should realise that most encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet to avoid disturbing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble upon bears.

He had the hikers’ full attention now.

Be aware that surprising a grizzly bear can have disastrous consequences for you”, the guide continued. “To avoid this we recommend that hikers wear tiny bells on their clothing to provide bears with an early warning of your presence. You should, of course, exercise great caution should you spot the tell-tale signs of bears in the area, particularly if you see bear droppings.”

“And how do we identify bear droppings from those of other wildlife?” asked one of the hikers.

“Easy”, explained the guide. “They’re the ones with all the tiny bells in them!”

3. The talking monkey:

Pete was walking past a pet shop when he saw a talking monkey being advertised for sale.

Intrigued, Pete went inside to see if this monkey was all the owners claimed it to be. It was and Pete was so impressed, particularly with the monkey’s extensive vocabulary and mastery of English, he bought the erudite primate immediately.

Then that very evening, Pete took his new pet to his local bar and he bet everyone twenty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Ten people immediately accepted the challenge but, despite much prompting from Pete, the monkey failed to say a word.

Pete was extremely disappointed but he had no choice but to pay up.

However, when he got home, the monkey was talking freely once again.

So the next evening, Pete decided he would return to the bar and try again.

This time he bet everyone thirty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Given the experience of the previous evening, most of the patrons in the bar were more than willing to accept Pete’s bet.

Sadly for Pete, his monkey wouldn’t say a word and once again it proved to be an expensive evening.

When he got home with the monkey, Pete was annoyed with his pet and he said, “I’ve had it with you, tomorrow you’re going back to the pet shop and I’m claiming a refund.

Calm down”, the monkey responded. “Just think about the odds we’ll be able to get in the bar tomorrow evening.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these good jokes as good as you’d hoped? Were they worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

3 Really funny jokes I know you’ll just love

Really funny jokesIf you’re looking for some really funny jokes then I’ve got three good ones today. I’m confident you’ll love them all.

So takes a few moments to enjoy them and then please pass them on to your friends.

Really funny jokes:

1. A companion for Adam:

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So he went to God and said, “Lord, I’m lonely. I’ve got no one to talk to.

God smiled at Adam and said, “I was thinking about giving you a companion called Woman.”

Woman?” Adam responded, quizzically.

Yes”, said God. “She’ll cook for you; clean for you; and she’ll wash your clothes. She’ll bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to help care for them. She’ll agree to whatever you say. She’ll never nag you and always admit when she’s wrong. She won’t bear a grudge and she’ll dress to please you. And of course she’ll make love to you whenever you want her to.

Wow”, said Adam. “That sounds fantastic. How much would a woman like that cost me?

An arm and a leg”, God replied.

Oh!”, said Adam. “What can I get for a rib?

2. Going away with the boss:

George rang his wife one day from the office and said, “Honey, I’ve been asked to go fishing on a lake up in Wyoming with my boss and a couple of his friends, and we’re leaving tonight. We’ll be away for the rest of the week.

Really?” his wife, Jane, responded.

Look, I know it’s a bit short notice,” George responded, “but this will be a great opportunity for me to schmooze with the boss and press for that promotion I’ve been chasing.

OK, I guess I’ll just have to live with it then,” said Jane.

I’ll need your help though,” said George. “I need you to pack enough clothes for the rest of the week and set out my rod and tackle box. I’ll stop by and collect them later. Oh, can you pack my new blue silk pyjamas too please?”

Jane thought his last request was a little suspicious but she did as he asked.

When George returned from his trip, Jane asked him how it had gone.

I’m a bit tired”, said George, “but otherwise it was a great trip.”

“Did you catch many fish?” Jane inquired.

“Oh, yes!” George responded. “The fish were really biting and I caught more than anyone else. But, how come you didn’t pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked?”

“I did, honey!” said Jane. “They were in your tackle box.”

3. The monkey and the lion:

It was a warm afternoon in the Serengeti National Park.

Two monkeys were sitting high in a tall tree watching a lion sleeping peacefully on the ground far below.

One of the monkeys said to the other, “Hey, I dare you to go down and give that lion a kick in the butt.

The other monkey was always up for a dare and so he agreed immediately.

Yes, I can do that”, said the monkey. And with that, he ran down the tree.

Once on the ground, he walked around the lion to check it was still asleep. Then he went to the rear of the lion and kicked it as hard as he could in the butt.

Woken suddenly, the lion roared, and the monkey started running as fast as he could.

The lion was angry and gave chase immediately.

Needless to say, the lion was fast and it didn’t take long for it to get within fifty yards of the monkey.

Realizing it needed to act fast, if it wasn’t to be eaten, the monkey picked up a newspaper that had been discarded by tourists.

The monkey then sat on a tree stump, hid behind the newspaper and pretended to read it.

Moments later, the lion arrived and said, “Excuse me, did you see a monkey pass this way?

Do you mean the one that kicked the lion in the butt?” the monkey responded.

Oh, no!” groaned the lion. “It’s not in the papers already, is it?

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these really funny jokes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

3 Really funny jokes to tell your friends today

Funny jokes to tell your friends If you want people to like you then always have a funny joke to make them laugh. Here are some very funny jokes to tell your friends today.

They all made me laugh and I hope they’ll make you and your friends laugh too.

Enjoy them all.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. The infected thumb:

Bill’s away from home on a business trip and, as he’s on expenses, he decides he’ll have a nice three-course meal in a restaurant.

He takes his seat at the table, exchanges a little conversation with the waitress, places his order and then relaxes with a glass of red wine waiting for his food to arrive.

It’s not long before the waitress brings him a nice, warm bowl of clam chowder with crackers. However he can’t help but notice that her thumb is sticking in the chowder. He’s not happy but he lets it go.

A little later, the waitress arrives with a plate filled with delicious Spaghetti Carbonara but once again, her thumb is immersed in the spaghetti. Again, Bill’s not happy but he lets it go.

Then as he’s looking forward to his dessert, the waitress returns with some hot apple pie, but once again her thumb is sticking in Bill’s food.

Mam”, says Bill angrily, “every time you bring my food your thumb’s sticking in it. Why is that?

Oh I am so sorry sir”, the waitress responds, “but my thumb has an infection and my doctor says I must keep it warm and moist at all times.

Disgusted by what he’s hearing, Bill snaps angrily, “Well, why don’t you just stick it up your ass?

Sheepishly the waitress replies, “Where do you think I’ve been putting it when I’m in the kitchen?

2. The fishing trip:

Four married men are going on a weekend fishing trip.

They’re exchanging banter in the car on the way to the lake, when Jim says, “Guys, you’ve no idea what I had to do to persuade my wife to agree to me joining you on this trip. I’ve had to promise to redecorate the living room and our bedroom next weekend.

That’s nothing”, says Mike. “I had to promise my wife that I would build a new deck around the pool area next weekend.

You both had it easy”, says Ed. “I had to promise my wife that I’d buy her a new kitchen, as well as pay for her to go fashion shopping in Milan, Italy with her friends next summer.

They carry on down the highway laughing and joking, but then they realize their friend Vic has yet to say anything.

Hey Vic”, says Jim, “what did you have to do to get the green light to come with us on this fishing weekend?

Not much really”, says Vic, “I just set the alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off, I tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, ‘will you make love with me or should I go fishing?’ to which she responded, ‘take a warm sweater with you, dear.’”

3. The well and the goat:

Two friends, Bert and Mack were out walking one day when they came across an old abandoned well.

Naturally they were curious as to how deep this well might be, so they dropped a stone down it and listened for the sound of the stone hitting the bottom. But they didn’t hear anything.

So they found a much larger rock and then dropped that down the well but still they didn’t hear anything.

Clearly this was a very deep well and they needed something much, much bigger if they were going to hear anything at all.

So Bert and Mack searched around for a while and eventually they found a section of railroad track leaning up against a wall.

This’ll be perfect”, said Bert.

So between them they lifted this heavy piece of cast iron and with great effort managed to carry back to the well and drop it down the hole.

As they stood back to listen, a goat suddenly flashed past their eyes and went straight down the well too.

Bert and Mack were still recovering from the shock resulting from what they’d just seen, when a farmer appeared.

Have you boys seen a goat?” asked the farmer.

Yes”, said Mack, “a goat has just jumped down this well.”

No, that couldn’t have been my goat”, said the farmer. “Mine was tethered to a heavy length of railroad track.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these funny jokes to tell your friends as amusing as you’d hoped? Were they worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.