Black Humor Archives

5 really funny jokes that will have you weeping with laughter

03/08/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. Flatulent Old Lady:

An old lady was having an embarrassing problem with bloating and gas, so she decided to see her physician.

“Hello Mrs Johnson,” said the doctor, “and what’s troubling you today?”

“Well Doctor Carmichael,” she responded, “I can’t stop breaking wind. Fortunately they’re silent and they don’t smell but it does feel embarrassing. Honestly, I’ve farted several times whilst I’ve been sitting here. What can I do?”

The kindly doctor smiled at her and said, “Mrs Johnson just take these pills three times a day for seven days and then come back and see me as soon as you’ve finished the medication.“

One week later Mrs Johnson is back in the doctor’s office and is clearly unhappy.

“Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills you gave me last week but my problem is even worse,” she said.

“In what way?” the doctor enquired.

“Well I’m still breaking wind just as much and they’re still silent,” she said, “but now the smell is terrible. I mean they really stink.”

“Excellent!” said the doctor. “That means we’ve fixed the problem with your sinuses. Now let’s see what we can do about your hearing.”

2. The Potato Peeler:

Sean was leaning against the counter in a Dublin bar enjoying a pint of Guinness when in walked his old friend Paddy looking decidedly glum.

“What’s the matter with you Patrick?” said Sean. “You’ve got a face on you like a wet weekend.”

“Oh, Sean,” he said. “I’ve just been fired from my job in the Fish & Chip shop.”

“You’ve been fired? Now why would they do that to you Patrick? What did you do that was so bad?” Sean enquired.

“Oh, I got caught putting my penis in the potato peeler.” Paddy responded.

“Oh, Paddy that’s terrible. What happened to the potato peeler?” Sean naturally enquired.

“Oh she’s been fired too.” Said Paddy looking a little sheepish.

3. Farmer Jim’s Accident:

Farmer Jim decided to take the trucking company responsible for his accident to court because of the severity of his injuries.

Needless to say the trucking company hired a fancy lawyer and whilst questioning Farmer Jim in the court room he enquired, “Is it not true that at the scene of the accident you said specifically, in front of witnesses, ‘I’m fine’?“

Farmer Jim responded, “Sir, let me tell you what happened. I had just loaded my best mule Bessie into the…….“

“I didn’t ask you for any details sir,” the lawyer interrupted, “Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’ Yes or No?”

Farmer Jim said, “Well, I’d just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….“

Once again, the lawyer was quick to interrupt Farmer Jim mid-sentence.

Looking at the Judge the lawyer said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman at the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.“

Well as luck would have it, the judge was interested in what Farmer Jim had to say, so he said to the lawyer, “I’m sorry sir but I’d like to hear what this man has to say. So I would ask him to continue with his story.”

Jim thanked the Judge and continued.

“Well,” he said, “I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and I was driving her down the highway when this huge truck with a trailer ran the stop sign and T-boned my truck.”

“And then what happened?” The Judge enquired.

“Well, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.” Jim responded.

“And were you hurt?” The Judge asked.

“Yes,” said Jim. “I was hurting real bad and I didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.”

“And then what happened?” the Judge asked.

“Well, shortly after the accident the Highway Patrolman appeared at the scene.” Jim said.

“And what did he do?” the Judge responded.

“Well Your Honor, he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her momentarily he then took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.” said Jim.

“And did you say to the Highway Patrolman that you were fine?” The Judge asked.

“Well,” said Jim. “After he shot Bessie, he came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had no choice but to shoot her. How are you feeling?’”

4. Day of Reckoning:

A Catholic priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates as St Peter processes the new arrivals to the Kingdom of Heaven.

Ahead of the priest in the queue is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, jeans and a leather jacket.

This guy gets to the front of the line and St Peter looks at his clipboard, looks the guy up and down and then asks, “Could you tell me your name please, so I may confirm whether you’re to be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

“Sure!” says the guy. “I’m Joe Cohen and I was a taxi driver in New York City.”

St Peter looks down his list and ticks off Joe Cohen’s name. He then smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and the golden staff Mr Cohen and you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Joe Cohen smiles and walks through the Pearly Gates in his silken robe and carrying the golden staff, whilst it’s the priest’s turn with St Peter.

Before St Peter can utter a single word the priest says, “I’m Father Joseph O’Donnell and I have been the parish priest at St Andrews Roman Catholic Church in Manhattan for the past 40 years.”

Once again St Peter consults his clipboard, ticks off Father O’Donnell’s name and then says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff father and you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Having seen Joe Cohen receive a silken robe and a golden staff Father O’Donnell is left feeling a little short-changed.

“Hold it there, just a minute,” said Father O’Donnell. “How is it that Joe Cohen got silk and gold and yet I only get cotton and wood? How can this be? Surely there’s some mistake?”

“No mistake,” St Peter responded. “In heaven we reward by results. When you gave your sermons your congregation slept. When Joe Cohen drove his taxi his passengers prayed.”

5. The Annual Check-up:

An 85 year old man was visiting his doctor for his annual check-up.

“So Mr Jenkins, how are you keeping?” the doctor enquired.

“Doctor, I’ve never felt better,” Mr Jenkins responded. “I’ve even married my 18 year old girlfriend recently and she’s now pregnant with my child. So, how about that then?”

The doctor considered this momentarily and then said, “Let me tell you a story Mr Jenkins. A friend of mine was a keen hunter. One day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidently picked up an umbrella instead of his gun.”

“Really?” said Mr Jenkins.

“Yes,” said the doctor. “Anyway, he was in the woods when suddenly a very large grizzly bear appeared in front of him. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?”

Dumbfounded the old man said, “No Doc, what?”

“The bear dropped dead in front of him,” the doctor replied.

“No Doc, that can’t be right.” said the old man. “That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the bear.”

The doctor smiled and said, “Exactly!

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these really funny jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

3 humorous stories guaranteed to make you laugh

03/01/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Fly Southwest:

Little Johnny was looking out of the plane’s window enjoying the experience of his first flight.

Deep in thought he suddenly turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?“

Well his mother was a little perturbed by this question and she struggled to think of an answer, so she said, “Johnny why don’t you ask the flight attendant?”

Little Johnny was not a child lacking in confidence, so he walked down the aisle and politely said to the flight attendant, “Excuse me mam, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?“

The flight attendant had heard it all before of course but she smiled sweetly at Johnny and then asked, “Did your mom tell you to ask me that?“

Little Johnny returned her smile and said, “Yes mam, she did.”

“Well“, said the flight attendant, “you can tell your mom that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mom to explain that to you.“

Voluntary donations:

Jim was driving home from the office one day when he found himself stuck in traffic because all the cars ahead of him had come to a complete standstill on the freeway. Nothing was moving at all.

Suddenly Jim noticed that there was a police officer walking down the line of traffic and approaching the car in front.

So Jim got out of his car and asked the police officer why there was a problem.

“Sir I’m so sorry for the inconvenience but the city’s Mayor is sitting in the middle of the road ahead and he’s in a state of extreme agitation,” said the police officer.

“He says he’s deep in debt and he’s threatening to douse his body with gasoline and then set fire to himself,” the police officer added.

“So what are you doing?” asked Jim.

“I’m going from car to car asking for donations,” the police officer responded.

“And how much have you collected so far?” Jim enquired.

“Well sir,” said the police officer, “we’ve only just started but drivers ahead have given us fifteen gallons so far and other drivers are still siphoning as we speak.”

Bubba’s tragic demise:

Sadly, Bubba was killed in suspicious circumstances in a terrible fire, suffering severe burns that left him completely unrecognizable.

In order to identity the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob.

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”

“Are you sure?” said the medical examiner.

“Yes sir, I’m sure,” Jim-Bob responded, “but you can ask Joe-Bob if you like.”

So Joe-Bob was brought into the mortuary and shown the body.

“Jeez,” said Joe-Bob, “he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

Though puzzled to receive this request once again, the medical examiner dutifully obliged and rolled the body.

Joe-Bob paused momentarily and then said, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”

The medical examiner was mystified by this turn of events. So he asked, “How can you possibly tell that it isn’t Bubba just by rolling him over?”

“Well sir,” said Joe-Bob, “Bubba had two assholes.”

“What do you mean, he had two assholes?” exclaimed the medical examiner.

“Yes sir, everyone knew that around here,” said Joe-Bob.

“How do you know?” the medical examiner asked.

To which Joe-Bob responded, “Because every time the three of us walked down Main Street together, you’d hear people say, ‘Here comes Bubba with two assholes’.”

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If any of these humorous stories made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

10 silly jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

02/21/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Here are some silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh.

There’s nothing smutty here, just genuinely good fun.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy a good laugh.

Silly jokes:

What do you call zombies in the belfry?
Dead ringers

What’s it called when you borrow money to buy a bison?
A buffaloan

What do you call a rotten hot dog?
A rankfurter

What do you call a hippy’s wife?
Mississippi

What do you call a ghost who only haunts the town hall?
The nightmayor

What do you call a dance for people who hate each other?
An avoidance

What do you call an American sketch drawing?
A Yankee doodle

What do you call a goat that’s a professional comedian?
Billy the Kid

What do you call an ancient Egyptian ruler with no teeth?
A gummy mummy

What do you call a blonde police officer?
A fair cop

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

27 funny comebacks that’ll prove no one should mess with you

02/19/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Have you ever been in a situation where you’d wished you had a smart response straight off the tongue to put someone well and truly in their place?

An insult or funny comeback to let someone know that they’re attempting to mess with someone they really shouldn’t mess with?

Certainly it’s a good idea to have your own personal stock of insults and funny comebacks ready and waiting to be used, just in case.

This would be your own deadly quiver full of arrows.

There’s nothing worse than being stuck for words only to kick yourself later when you think of a good comeback but it’s all a bit late.

So here’s another selection of 27 insults and funny comebacks so your gun is loaded, cocked and ready to fire. No one messes with you dear reader.

27 Funny Comebacks:

Well I was pro-life……until I met you.
You’re so fat you could sell shade.
You’re living proof that evolution can go into reverse.
If I had a face like yours I’d sue my parents.
You’ll go far, and hopefully you won’t come back.
You’re living proof that God really does have a sense of humor.
Were you born this stupid or have you had special training?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
You’re about as useful as a condom with a hole in it.
Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to stupid people.
Hey, your village called. They want their idiot back.
Hey, the zoo called. They’re wondering how you got out of your cage?
Please just tell me that you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
Jesus might love you, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.
Save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.
It amuses me when I hear you talk about stuff you don’t understand.
I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really does work that’s for sure.
I have seen people like you before, but I’ve always been charged for admission in the past.
Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
Don’t you know that it’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it, removing all doubt?
I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
Meeting you has made me realise that there are some remarkably dumb people in this world.
I just stepped in something that was smarter than you and it smelled better too.
In Science class I learned the universe consists of neutrons, protons and electrons. The University of Life has taught me that it consists of morons too.
If you’re waiting for me to care, then I hope you brought something to eat, because it’s going to be a long, long time.
I’m trying my hardest to see things from your perspective, but I just can’t get my head that far up my ass.

More funny comebacks:

If you enjoyed this post then you’ll find another 37 funny comebacks if you just CLICK HERE: It may be an earlier post but it’s just as funny I promise you dear reader.

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When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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15 black humor jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

02/16/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

If you’re like me then you’ll need a good laugh each and every day. It is after all the best medicine, they say. If nothing else it certainly relieves stress.

I love all forms of humor, even what I’d call black humor. That’s humor with a slightly darker edge?

Some people find this type of humor a little distasteful but personally, I think it can still be very funny.

Here are 15 black humor jokes that I think will definitely make you laugh. Well some of them will make you smile at least.

None of these jokes are too distasteful, so I hope they will appeal to everyone. If they don’t appeal to you dear reader then I will endeavour to offer something more in line with your preferences next time.

For those who like humor with a darker edge, enjoy!

Black Humor Jokes:

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?
Patient: The good news please.
Doctor: I’ve got the diagnosis for your illness. Unfortunately it suggests you have only two days to live.
Patient: So what’s the bad news then?”
Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you for two days.

Today really has been a terrible day.
First my wife gets hit by a bus.
Then I lose my job as a bus driver.

The doctor gave me one year to live.
So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far.
Yes, isn’t this catapult amazing. Quick get our daughter!

Girl: So, what do you do?
Boy: I work with animals every day.
Girl: Oh that’s so sweet! What exactly do you do?
Boy: I’m a butcher.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come to you anyway.

Fred walks into a shop and sees a nice looking dog.
Does your dog bite? Fred says to the shop assistant.
No, my dog doesn’t bite, said the assistant.
Fred starts petting the dog but it attacks him viciously.
You said your dog doesn’t bite, said Fred.
He doesn’t. That isn’t my dog, said the assistant.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father did.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.

They say the quickest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach.
Personally, I find a knife through the ribcage a lot quicker.

Finally I got one of those roof-top boxes for the car.
It’s very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.

I took my wife out for tea and biscuits.
She wasn’t very happy about having to donate blood though.

Mom, I’m still having those sharp headaches!
Then don’t stand in front of the dart board!

Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
To get to the second hand shop.

A man awakens from a coma.
His wife is irritated and changes out of her black clothing.
I really can’t depend on you for anything, can I?

If I’m smiling, I’m probably thinking of doing something evil.
If I’m laughing, I’ve already done it.

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these black humor jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

21 witty one liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

01/26/2019 by Roy Sutton 2 Comments

Now do you fancy a bit of a laugh?

Would you like something to make you smile?

You’d love a laugh but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything too long? Well fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

So here are 21 witty one liners guaranteed to make you smile. They made me smile and I’m confident that at least a few of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy a laugh which is concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one liners is just for you dear reader. So go on have a laugh right now and enjoy them all.

Witty One Liners:

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” ~Ian Smith
Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once’. ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’. ~Paul McCaffrey
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’. ~Paddy Lennox
Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed ~Josie Long
I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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13 corny jokes that will really make you smile

12/08/2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Life shouldn’t be serious all the time. Occasionally we all need to smile.

So my question to you today is; do you like corny jokes?

No?

Well that’s a pity because I’ve found 13 of them that made me smile. And I hope they will make you smile too.

The source of these corny jokes is a website called Tickld which is new to me.

However I had a very pleasant time enjoying all the funnies it had on offer.

A link to Tickld is included so take a look but not before you’ve enjoyed what I thought was some of their best corny jokes.

And here are those 13 corny jokes for you:-

Corny Jokes:

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said: Thank you.

And I said: Don’t mention it!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

My friend said to me: What rhymes with orange?

And I said: No it doesn’t!

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.

How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Please share these jokes with your friends on social media:

So did these corny jokes really make you smile? Were they all you hoped they’d be dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media.

Share the fun and everyone wins. Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day

And if you’d like to see what else Tickld has to offer then just CLICK HERE.

21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

10/13/2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Whenever I share funny one liners with readers the posts are always very popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you dear reader. Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 21 brilliant one liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all Author Unknown.

However I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime I hope these 21 brilliant one liners will brighten your day.

Brilliant one-liners:

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything“.
I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

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Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

21 Clever One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Smile

09/22/2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

I love funny one liners and over time I collect them in a journal. And when I’ve got enough I like to share them with readers. Anything that makes readers smile always results in a great reaction.

So today I offer you my latest collection, which I think are all very clever one-liners.

Unfortunately I haven’t been able to identify the original authors, so I must classify them all as Author Unknown. However I’d be happy to add acknowledgements to each individual quote where readers are able enlighten me accordingly.

So if you know who wrote them originally then please do let me know.

I’m sharing these clever one-liners with you because I am confident they’ll make you smile dear reader. Certainly they all made me smile, so I do hope you enjoy them too.

Clever One-liners:

Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
Arguing with your wife is unwise. Even if you win you lose.
I can keep secrets, of course. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
You can’t make me do what you want me to do, you’re not my cat.
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.
If you take away looks, money, intelligence, charm and success, there’s no difference between me and George Clooney.
I really hate it when people ask for likes on social media. Like if you agree!
You know you’re fat when you step on a ‘speak your weight’ scale and it says “one at a time please”.
When I was at school 52% of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other 38%.
My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my television.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 siblings but they didn’t know either.
The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
I got called pretty yesterday and it felt really good. Well the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying” but I like to focus on the positive.
You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t return then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

Polite request:

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5 entertaining short story jokes that will tickle you

05/18/2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. Emily and the Apache Woman

Emily was driving in her Chevrolet Bolt along the Interstate 17 in Arizona, on her way home to Phoenix.

Suddenly she saw a poor, elderly Apache woman walking very slowly along the side of the highway.

Recognising that this situation was quite dangerous and feeling sorry for the poor woman, Emily pulled over and offered her a lift.

The Apache woman nodded silently in appreciation and climbed into the car.

Naturally Emily tried to engage her in conversation but initially the Apache woman remained silent and she seemed a bit nervous.

However as they progressed along the highway towards Phoenix the woman eventually started to relax a little and then she started to look around.

The old woman was looking closely at everything in the car, apparently studying every detail. Then she noticed a pale blue gift bag on the rear seat behind Emily.

“What’s in the bag?” she asked Emily, almost whispering.

“Oh,” Emily responded warmly, “it’s a bottle of Whiskey that I got for my husband.”

The Apache woman remained silent momentarily and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of someone who’s been around the block a few times, she smiled and said, “Good trade.”

2. The Naughty Boys

Charlotte had two young boys, Jack and Harry.

Jack and Harry were two young kids who were always getting themselves into trouble. If there was any mischief happening anywhere in their town, then usually Jack and Harry were involved and Charlotte knew this.

Naturally her boys’ wayward behaviour was a concern for Charlotte and it was an issue she was keen to resolve.

One day Charlotte read an article in the local newspaper about a clergyman in town who’d been very successful in disciplining young boys and improving their behaviour.

So Charlotte phoned the clergyman and asked him if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman said he was happy to help but he was quick to stress that it was important that he see each of them separately.

So Charlotte decided to send young Harry to see the clergyman in the morning, with his elder brother Jack to follow in the afternoon.

The clergyman was an enormous man with a stern face and a big, booming voice.

He instructed Harry to sit down and then he asked him sternly, “Where is God?“

The clergyman’s approach scared the life out of Harry. His mouth dropped open but fear prevented him from speaking. He just sat there wide-eyed, with his mouth hanging open.

So the clergyman repeated the question but this time with an even sterner tone. “Where is God?” he said.

Again Harry made no attempt to respond. He was too scared.

So this time the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the Harry’s face, bellowing, “WHERE IS GOD?“

That was it for Harry. He jumped up from his chair, screamed and ran out of the room and all the way home. He didn’t stop running until he got to his own bedroom and then he hid in his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When Jack found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened dude?“

Still gasping for breath, Harry replied, “Dude, we are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think WE did it!“

3. The Test Results

John had been undergoing tests for a serious health concern for several weeks. Finally it was the day for him to receive his test results.

So he was sitting in his doctor’s office and he said, “Doc, I really need to know my test results! Not knowing is driving me crazy.“

His doctor reviewed at his notes again and then said, “Well John, there’s some good news and some bad news I’m afraid. Which one do you want first?”

To which John replied, “I think I’d prefer the good news first. Yeah Doc, let me have the good news first!”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I hear there are some amazing deals on cremations this week.“

4. A man and his Ostrich

A guy walks into a New York diner with an ostrich.

They both sit down at the counter and after a few moments the waitress asks them whether they’re ready to order.

“Yes,” said the guy, “I’ll have a cheeseburger with fries and a Coke.”

He then looks at the ostrich and says, “What are you having?“

“The same,” says the ostrich.

About ten minutes later the waitress returns with their order and then says. “That’ll be $22.00 please.“

The man reaches into his pocket and, without even looking he pulls out the exact amount of money for payment.

The next day, the same guy and his ostrich return and once again the guy says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger with fries and a Coke please.“

And once again the ostrich says, “The same.“

Once again when their order arrives, the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money to settle the bill.

This goes on for a few days and is becoming a routine, when one night they enter the diner and the waitress asks, “The usual?“

“No,” said the guy “as it’s Friday I’ll have a T-bone steak with a baked potato, a green salad and a glass of Merlot.”

“Same for me,” said the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and then says, “That’ll be $53.00.”

Once again the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money to pay the bill.

At this point the waitress is unable to suppress her curiosity any longer and she says to the guy, “Excuse me sir. How is it you always manage to pull from your pocket the exact amount of money? You do it every time.”

“Well,” said the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and I found an old oil lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and granted me two wishes.”

“Really?” said the waitress. “And what did you wish for?”

“Well my first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the exact amount of money would always be there,” said the guy.

“Now that’s brilliant!” the waitress responded. “Most people would wish for like a million dollars or something but you’ll always be as rich as you need to be for as long as you live!“

“That’s right,” said the guy. “Whether I’m buying a pitcher of beer or a Bugatti Chiron, the exact amount of money will always be there.”

The waitress was clearly impressed but still a little curious.

“So what’s with the ostrich then?” she enquired.

The guy sighs and then says, “Well, my second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.“

The waitress smiled at him and said, “Be careful what you wish for, hey?”

5. The Frog and the Fortune Teller

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out whether he’ll ever meet his princess.

The fortune teller looks into her crystal ball for a few moments and then says to the frog, “Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?“

“Let me have the good news first,” said the frog.

“Well, you’re going to meet the most beautiful girl in the world,” said the fortune teller. “She will be interested in you and she will want to know all about you. In fact she will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart.“

“That sounds fantastic,” said the frog, “but what’s the bad news then?“

“You’re going to meet her in her Biology class,” replied the fortune teller.

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