15 funny quotes to gladden your heart

08/11/2024 by

FUNNY QUOTESI’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I love quotes. And I’m always on the lookout for great quotes, and particularly funny quotes.

Many great quotes have influenced my own personal philosophy.

Others have been really useful as a means for reinforcing messages in presentations.

And then there are those that just make me smile.

I’m referring to those funny quotes that resonate with me, whilst offering a germ truth within the underlying wit.

So here are 15 funny quotes to gladden your heart and make you smile.

Enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Funny Quotes:

  1. In my defence, I was left unsupervised.
  2. I used to think I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure.
  3. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  4. Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
  5. If I won an award for laziness, I’d send someone else to pick it up.
  6. I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
  7. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
  8. The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.
  9. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
  10. Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
  11. Life has no hands but it can still give you a slap in the face sometimes.
  12. Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then it’s just suspicious.
  13. Having great power is wonderful until you get the electricity bill.
  14. I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you’d like to punch in the face.
  15. Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. ~Author Unknown

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Funny Comebacks: Here are 37 for dealing with rude people

11/29/2023 by

FUNNY COMEBACKSThe art of funny comebacks is well worth developing.

We all have to deal with rude comments and mean, spiteful people occasionally. That’s all part of human existence.

However, how often do you wish you had a suitable response ready to go to put such people firmly in their place?

If only you had a stock of funny comebacks to choose from when situations dictated.

Well, here are 37 funny comebacks that you might find useful when you’re faced with dealing with rude, mean, or difficult people. How many of these can you work into your day today?

If there are any of these funny comebacks that you particularly like, then please share this post with your friends, but not before you’ve enjoyed them all first.

Remember: When you share, everyone wins.

Funny Comebacks (1-10):

  1. You know you really should buy some breath mints? 
  2. I have better things to do than listen to you.
  3. Whoever told you to be yourself has given you bad advice.
  4. I don’t care what everyone else says; I don’t think you’re that bad.
  5. Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
  6. I believed in evolution until I met you.
  7. Have you ever wondered why people don’t like you?
  8. I accept that I’m not perfect, but at least I’m not you.
  9. If ignorance is bliss, then you must be the happiest person on the planet.
  10. You always bring me so much joy ……. the minute you leave the room.

Funny Comebacks (11-20):

  1. I don’t need a proctologist to tell me you’re an asshole.
  2. I’m not a cactus expert, but I do know a prick when I see one.
  3. I would explain it to you but I have neither the time nor the crayons! 
  4. Sorry, buddy but I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
  5. Look, if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I had to do was fart.
  6. If only your dad had used a condom, the world would be a better place.
  7. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Take a day off and give the rest of us a break.
  8. Everyone said you were unpleasant, but I didn’t believe them ……. until now.
  9. Sorry, but you’re confusing me with someone who actually cares about what you think.
  10. Are you always such an idiot, or do you just like to show off when I’m around? 

Funny Comebacks (21-30):

  1. I don’t remember asking for your opinion.
  2. I understand what you’re saying, but if I agreed with you, then we’d both be wrong.
  3. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you’re abusing the privilege.
  4. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Well, me neither.
  5. No wonder everyone talks about you behind your back.
  6. Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.
  7. I was going to give you a nasty look, but I can see you’ve already got one.
  8. I’m busy; you’re ugly. Have a nice day.
  9. Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a personality for sale?
  10. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it and remove all doubt.

Funny Comebacks (31-37):

  1. I hope you step on a Lego with your bare feet. 
  2. You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.
  3. Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else would you be able to understand me?
  4. You can keep rolling your eyes if you must, but you’re unlikely to find a brain back there.
  5. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
  6. Don’t hate me, because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
  7. You sir, are a human version of period cramps.

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50 funny comebacks that say ‘Don’t mess with me!’

06/29/2023 by

FUNNY COMEBACKSHave you ever been in a situation where you’d wished you had a smart response straight off the tongue to put someone well and truly in their place?

An insult or funny comeback to let someone know that they’re attempting to mess with someone they really shouldn’t mess with?

Certainly, it’s a good idea to have your own personal stock of insults and funny comebacks ready and waiting to be used, just in case.

This would be your own deadly quiver full of arrows.

There’s nothing worse than being stuck for words only to kick yourself later when you think of a good comeback but it’s all a bit late.

So here’s another selection of 50 insults and funny comebacks so your gun is loaded, cocked and ready to fire. No one messes with you, dear reader.

50 Funny Comebacks (1-10):

  1. Well, I was pro-life……until I met you.
  2. You’re so fat you could sell shade.
  3. If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
  4. You’ll go far, and hopefully, you won’t come back.
  5. Well, aren’t you just the sunshine in a stormy sky?
  6. Hey, your village called. They want their idiot back.
  7. You’re living proof that evolution can go into reverse.
  8. I gotta tell you, your wit is as sharp as a plastic knife.
  9. If there was an Olympics for rudeness, you’d be a gold medallist.
  10. Well, bless your heart. It’s truly an experience to be in your presence. 

50 Funny Comebacks (11-20):

  1. Well, aren’t you just a waste of space?
  2. You’re about as useful as a condom with a hole in it.
  3. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  4. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to stupid people.
  5. Were you born this stupid, or have you had special training?
  6. I see you’ve mastered the art of making friends ….. disappear.
  7. You’re about as pleasant as the sound of nails on a chalkboard.
  8. You’re living proof that God really does have a sense of humour.
  9. Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
  10. I must have missed the memo that said rudeness is the new black.

50 Funny Comebacks (21-30):

  1. Jesus might love you, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.
  2. Please just tell me that you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
  3. Save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.
  4. Well, aren’t you just the little bundle of something quite unpleasant?
  5. I hear you’re keen to lose weight. Have you tried shaving your legs?
  6. Well, at least we now know that diplomacy is not a skill you possess.
  7. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it works, that’s for sure.
  8. Hey, the zoo called. They’re wondering how you got out of your cage.
  9. It amuses me when I hear you talk about stuff you don’t understand.
  10. You’ve certainly mastered the knack of making people feel unwelcome.

50 Funny Comebacks (31-40):

  1. I just stepped in something that was smarter than you and it smelled better too.
  2. Oh, please, do go on. I’m on the edge of my seat, captivated by your lack of charm.
  3. Oh, look, it’s the master of snide remarks. Please don’t keep us waiting, we’re all ears.
  4. You’ve got all the social graces of a Black Mamba. Slippery and not very approachable.
  5. Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
  6. Meeting you has made me realise that there are some remarkably dumb people in this world.
  7. I have seen people like you before, but I’ve always been charged for admission in the past.
  8. You’ve all the charm of a rattlesnake and the grace of a bull in a China Shop. Impressive, really.
  9. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
  10. Don’t you know that it’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it, removing all doubt?

50 Funny Comebacks (41-50):

  1. You’ve got a lot to say for yourself, but I struggle to comprehend why any of it matters.
  2. Well, you’ve certainly got a talent for turning pleasantries into passive-aggressive remarks.
  3. I’ve been lucky enough to meet a lot of likeable people in my time. but you’re not one of them.
  4. You’ve got the kind of charisma that makes folks wish for earplugs and a sudden loss of hearing.
  5. I know this might sound alien to you, but you’ll catch more flies with sugar than you will with vinegar.
  6. I’m guessing you’ve never read Dale Carnegie’s famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
  7. I’m trying my hardest to see things from your perspective, but I just can’t get my head that far up my ass.
  8. If you’re waiting for me to care, then I hope you brought something to eat, because it’s going to be a long, long time.
  9. You don’t have to be a complete prick all your life. You can always take five minutes off and give the rest of us a break.
  10. In Science class, I learned the universe consists of neutrons, protons, and electrons. The University of Life has taught me that it consists of morons too.

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Filed Under: Sarcasm Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,