37 Clever one-liners guaranteed to get your friends laughing

Clever one-linersYou may not be a stand-up comedian dear reader but, if you’re anything like me, I’m sure you like to have a few clever one-liners up your sleeve ready to amuse your friends.

It’s always useful to have a few good one-liner jokes in your back pocket, wouldn’t you agree?

Certainly, a funny joke never fails to break the ice in social situations. That’s why I collect them in my journal.

And I was asked recently would I go through my collection and share a few more with readers. So today I’ve done that just for you.

Next time you’re at a loss for words, then try out one or two of these clever one-liners and watch how your popularity grows.

Enjoy them all and then share them with your friends.

Clever one-liners:

  1. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  2. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  3. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
  4. Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  5. I want patience – AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  6. Today’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  7. If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
  8. Despite the cost of living, it remains popular.
  9. Funny Quotes
  10. What’s worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.
  11. I used to have a handle on life but then it broke.
  12. Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!
  13. If talk is cheap, why is hiring a lawyer so expensive?
  14. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  15. My math teacher called me average. Which I think is mean.
  16. The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it is on my list.
  17. Every organisation will get results consistent with its design.
  18. Red meat’s not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat’s bad for you.
  19. I used to have an hourglass figure but then the sand shifted.
  20. If at first you don’t succeed, you can always redefine success.
  21. Why do bees hum? Because they can’t remember the lyrics.
  22. If everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
  23. Listen, girl, you know what this dress is made of? Boyfriend material.
  24. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  25. A giant fly attacked the police station. They had to call a SWAT team.
  26. If you’ve got a clear conscience, you’ve probably got a bad memory too.
  27. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t
  28. If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?
  29. Living on Earth may be expensive but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  30. They say money can’t buy happiness but it’s just bought me this Happy Meal.
  31. Drive with excessive speed and you won’t need to worry about your cholesterol.
  32. Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
  33. When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I reminded him that he said he didn’t hire stupid people.
  34. Any married person should forget their mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
  35. The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
  36. When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember that the fire department usually uses water.
  37. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. Trouble is, they’re usually married to each other.
  38. What’s the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairy tale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…’

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And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

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