21 sarcasm quotes that are the sharpest form of wit

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but I’m not so sure.

Personally, I admire a clever put-down or a few sharp words intended to put someone squarely in their place.

In today’s post, I offer you 21 sarcasm quotes that are sharp, funny and they definitely made me smile. So I hope they provide you with some ammunition next time you need it.

Unfortunately despite my research, I haven’t been able to identify the originators of these clever lines, so they remain by authors unknown. Should you be able to point me in the direction of the original authors, then I would happy to add appropriate credits and links. So please, do let me know.

These are some of the sharpest sarcasm quotes I’ve seen recently, so enjoy them all and make a mental note of the best ones for future use:- 

The sharpest form of wit:

  1. Me? Sarcastic? Never!
  2. Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.
  3. Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
  4. If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
  5. Stupidity is not a crime. So you’re free to go
  6. Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
  7. Your flexibility amazes me. How do you get your foot in your mouth and you head up your ass at the same time?
  8. You never learn anything by doing it right.
  9. If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.
  10. I’m returning your nose dear! I found it in my business.
  11. I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.
  12. From the moment I saw you I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
  13. If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
  14. I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.
  15. Am I free tomorrow? No, I’m expensive.
  16. The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
  17. Sarcasm is the body’s natural defence against stupidity.
  18. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
  19. I disagree but I respect your right to be stupid.
  20. I stopped listening, so why don’t you stop talking?
  21. Patience: What you have when there are far too many witnesses.

21 Sarcasm QuotesEnjoyed these sarcasm quotes?

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If any of these sarcasm quotes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

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15 Quotes by Bob Newhart reflecting his personal philosophy

Quotes by Bob NewhartThere are many fine comedians in this world and many of the finest are American. And for me at least, one of the funniest American comedians of all time is Bob Newhart. He’s certainly made me laugh out loud, many times.

Many years ago I was fortunate enough to stumble upon his audio recording the Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart and from that moment on I was absolutely hooked.

This album was one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

Imagine my situation, I’m sitting in my car waiting for the traffic lights to turn green. Suddenly on my car radio, they play the Tobacco sketch from that album. It was so funny it had me laughing so much that people around me were starting to stare at me as if I’d gone mad. It really was that funny.

If you’re unfamiliar with Bob Newhart’s work then I recommend you check him out. And a good place to start would be Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart. It’s still available on Amazon.

However before you check it out, here are 15 quotes by Bob Newhart, some of which reflect his humor, some reflect his sense of the absurd and some are just thought-provoking.

Quotes by Bob Newhart:

  1. The only way to survive is to have a sense of humor. ~Bob Newhart
  2. Don’t be silly and don’t waste your time. ~Bob Newhart
  3. Don’t live in the past. There’s no point. You can’t change anything. What a waste of time. ~Bob Newhart
  4. I don’t like country music but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’. ~Bob Newhart
  5. People are meant to be in certain places, and I think I’m meant to be on a sound stage doing situation comedy. ~Bob Newhart
  6. The best advice I was probably given and the best advice I could give someone who is trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills. ~Bob Newhart
  7. Comedians are innately programmed to pick up oddities like mispronounced words, upside-down books on a shelf, and generally undetectable mistakes in everyday life. ~Bob Newhart
  8. I don’t know how doctors pick one speciality over another. Some you can understand. Paediatricians or gynaecologists delivering babies, bringing a new life into the world, but how does someone want to be a proctologist? How can you fall in love with proctology? ~Bob Newhart
  9. With the advent of cell phones, especially with the very small microphone that attaches to the cell phone itself, it’s getting harder and harder I find, to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. ~Bob Newhart
  10. I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage. ~Bob Newhart
  11. All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world. ~Bob Newhart
  12. Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. ~Bob Newhart
  13. Probably the best advice I ever got in my life was from the head of the accounting department, Mr. Hutchinson, at the Glidden Company in Chicago, and he told me, ‘You really aren’t cut out for accounting.’ ~Bob Newhart
  14. I just made the decision that I was going to try comedy, and if didn’t work, then I knew it didn’t work. Then I would go back and do whatever. But at least I wouldn’t torture myself the rest of my life, wondering whatever would have happened. ~Bob Newhart
  15. All I can say about life is, ‘Oh God, enjoy it!’ ~Bob Newhart

If you’re not familiar with Bob Newhart’s work then I  can strongly recommend you listen to the Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart. I can also recommend The Button-Down Mind Strikes Back!

These audio recordings are both funny and well worth your time. Well worth buying your own copies too. I think so anyway.

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15 funny work quotes that will certainly resonate with you

15 funny work quotesToday I thought it would be amusing to explore some funny work quotes.

Personally, I love my work. I love having a sense of purpose and something to get me out of bed each day.

However, not everyone feels the way I do and anyway, it’s never a good idea to take anything too seriously.

Occasionally we must laugh at the nature of human existence. And a good place to start laughing is with the subject of work.

Love it or hate it, it dominates all our lives nevertheless. So today I’ve pulled together 15 funny work quotes to make you smile.

Once again these quotes come from many sources but one, in particular, I must acknowledge and that’s Cool Funny Quotes where you’ll find some of these and many more besides. So check it out.

Funny work quotes:

  1. Hard work never killed anybody but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen
  2. I don’t work on weekends or any other day that ends with “Y”. ~Author Unknown
  3. The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. ~Author Unknown
  4. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx
  5. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ~The Simpsons
  6. If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Where X is work; Y is play, and Z is keeping your mouth shut. ~Albert Einstein (well, maybe!)
  7. As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. ~Tom Goins
  8. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. ~John Gotti
  9. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be ‘meetings.’ ~Dave Barry
  10. He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. ~Paddy O’Dea
  11. Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so close to Monday? ~Author Unknown
  12. Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day! ~Author Unknown
  13. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery. ~Author Unknown
  14. Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels. ~Author Unknown
  15. I once had a job in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. ~Author Unknown

Enjoyed these quotes? Please share them:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny quotes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

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21 funny quotes you’ll absolutely love

21 Funny QuotesI love quotes and I love those funny quotes that make you smile and make you think.

Here are 21 funny quotes to highlight my point. Enjoy them all.

Funny quotes:

  1. Smile today because tomorrow could be worse. ~Anonymous
  2. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. ~Anonymous
  3. I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. ~Anonymous
  4. You’re born free then you’re taxed to death. ~Anonymous
  5. He who wakes up early yawns all day long. ~Anonymous
  6. I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed. ~Anonymous
  7. Those who snore always fall asleep first. ~Anonymous
  8. Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all, intelligence has its limits. ~Anonymous
  9. I just wanted you to know somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. ~Anonymous
  10. “Revenge” sounds so mean, that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.” ~Anonymous
  11. The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you’re with someone you’re not supposed to be seen with. ~Anonymous
  12. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right. ~Anonymous
  13. To make a mistake is human but to blame it on someone else, now that’s even more human.
    ~Anonymous
  14. It may look like I’m doing nothing but in my head, I’m quite busy. ~Anonymous
  15. When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window. ~Anonymous
  16. Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re done. ~Anonymous
  17. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. ~Anonymous
  18. I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live. ~Anonymous
  19. Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you’re bad luck. ~Anonymous
  20. I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop making me angry! ~Anonymous
  21. My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. ~Anonymous

If you enjoyed these funny quotes, please share them:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny quotes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

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35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

35 Witty QuotesI love witty quotes from the funniest people and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share some of them with you dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  6. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

Please share this post with your friends:

Do you agree that these are some of the best witty quotes, dear reader?

You do? I hope so anyway.

If you did enjoy them then please, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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The 30 best bitchy comments that’ll really make you smile

Bitchy CommentsLadies, do you ever find yourself in need of some bitchy comments?

Gentlemen, do you have a need for a quiver full of little arrows to pierce even the hardest heart?

Having the right comment to respond on those occasions when you need to put someone firmly in their place?

For those occasions when you need to send out a message that says, you mess with me at your peril.

Well here are 30 great bitchy comments, all of which really made me smile.

Bitchy Comments:

  1. You’re wearing that dress for a bet, surely?
  2. She’s not a drinker but she certainly likes a whine.
  3. I don’t need your drama. Go bother someone else.
  4. Hey, balls just called. They want you to grow a pair.
  5. I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you right now.
  6. I’m not responsible for what my face does when you talk.
  7. There are two things I dislike about you girl. Your face!
  8. Yes, I am crazy and you’d be unwise to mess with crazy.
  9. Being opinionated is not the same as being informed dear.
  10. OMG! She’s really been hit with the ugly stick, hasn’t she?
  11. Nice dress! Where did you buy it, Dick’s Sporting Goods?
  12. I’ve met some pricks in my time but you’re the full cactus.
  13. I try to see the best in people but you certainly make it hard.
  14. You’re upset with me? So what! I don’t exist just to please you.
  15. I may have multiple personalities but none of them like you.
  16. Oh, there’s a new man in your life. Does he still have his own hair?
  17. If you want to lose weight quickly, you could always shave your legs.
  18. What you think of me can’t be half as bad as my opinion of you.
  19. I’d say something complimentary about you but I’m not that dishonest.
  20. I don’t hate you but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
  21. You’re confusing me with someone who cares what you think.
  22. I’m as nice as the next girl until life forces me to unleash the Bitch.
  23. You remind me of a penny. Two-faced and not worth much.
  24. I’d beat you with a hammer but you’re not worth the jail time.
  25. You’re such a fake I’m guessing you were made in China.
  26. I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your comprehension.
  27. Feel free to judge me when you’re perfect. Oh, that would be never then.
  28. No, I didn’t intend to offend you. That was just a bonus for which I’m grateful.
  29. Don’t hate me because I’m attractive. Hate me because my boobs are bigger than yours.
  30. Leave sarcasm to the professionals, sweetie. You’ll get hurt if you play with fire.

Bitchy CommentsPlease share this post:

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15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes to brighten your day

Cosmo Kramer QuotesOne of the most memorable sitcom characters of all time has to be Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld, played by the excellent Michael Richards. So let’s take a look back at some of the best Cosmo Kramer quotes which made us all smile back in the day.

If you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Cosmo Kramer, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom on YouTube. They’re all brilliant and well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes which I hope will brighten your day.

Cosmo Kramer Quotes:

  1. Look away, I’m hideous.
  2. She’s got the Jimmy legs!
  3. Moles … freckles’ ugly cousin.
  4. Just make love to that wall pervert.
  5. You’re as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.
  6. Yeah, don’t worry, Jerry. We’re right on this guy like stink on a monkey.
  7. Because I’m like ice, buddy. When I don’t like you, you’ve got problems.
  8. Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak you sell the sizzle.
  9. There’s nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of a woman.
  10. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure, my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
  11. Now, what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
  12. Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious.
  13. I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
  14. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!
  15. Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humour. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find any of these Cosmo Kramer quotes memorable and amusing dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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29 examples of sarcasm for when you need a witty insult

Examples of sarcasm for when you need a witty insultExamples of sarcasm for when you need a witty insult don’t always spring readily to mind, do they? Well, not to me anyway.

Have you ever had that experience where someone tests your patience and you only wish you’d had the right witty insult on the tip of your tongue and ready to let them know that you’re not someone who will suffer fools for very long?

It’s always useful to have a stock of sarcastic responses ready to hand for such occasions.

So for today’s post, I offer you 29 examples of sarcasm for when you need a witty insult.

I hope at least one or two of them will also raise a smile with you too.

And of course, I hope these provide you with some ammunition next time you need it.

Sarcasm and witty insults:

  1. Do I know who you are? Why? Don’t you?
  2. Clearly, wit is a skill you’ve yet to master.
  3. Would it really hurt to smile occasionally?
  4. If your aim was to irritate me then you’re plan is working so far.
  5. You’re confusing me with someone who cares about what you think?
  6. I’m not sarcastic; I’m just allergic to stupid
  7. Take your time buddy, it’s not like the rest of us have any stuff to do.
  8. That you’ve survived this long without a brain is a miracle of modern science.
  9. Now who might you be and why should it matter to me?
  10. You’re wearing that shirt as part of a ‘get noticed’ strategy, aren’t you?
  11. Oh, you were talking to me? I’m sorry I thought there was something wrong with you.
  12. Listen, tiger, if you’re trying to impress me, it’ll take a bit more than a vanilla latte with a blueberry muffin on the side.
  13. I’m sure your mother thinks you’re important but guess what? The rest of the world doesn’t agree.
  14. Your disdain for your customers suggests you’d be wise to consider an alternative line of work.
  15. Some people have genuine talent and then there are deluded people like you.
  16. I may have had a bit too much to drink mam but tomorrow I’ll be sober, whereas you’ll still be ugly.
  17. $10 for an iced tea with a twist and a little umbrella? I just wanted a drink; I wasn’t trying to purchase the entire bar.
  18. Were you born a pain in the ass or have you had special training?
  19. You’ve got a face on you like you’ve been sucking sour lemons for a week.
  20. If you’re nice to other people, you might find they’ll be a bit more agreeable with you. Try it, the results might surprise you.
  21. Clearly, you’re bereft of talent but I admire your willingness to have a go anyway.
  22. If your aim was to insult me, you’ll need to do a lot better than that buddy.
  23. There’s nothing like exceptional customer service and that was nothing like exceptional customer service.
  24. Regardless of what you seem to think, being polite to people hasn’t gone out of fashion.
  25. Well, we’ve now established that you can be really stupid when you want to be. So what else are you good at?
  26. So you’ve got a few qualifications. That just means you’re quite good at remembering stuff. So what?
  27. Have you ever thought of getting a personality transplant? Certainly, the one you’ve got now is not helping your cause.
  28. I didn’t say you were overweight but you’re certainly taking bloating to a whole new level.
  29. I wouldn’t say you’re slow as such but you do give the impression that you’re a nickel short of a dime. 

Examples of sarcasm for when you need a witty insultPlease share this post with your friends:

So dear reader did any of these examples of sarcasm for when you need a witty insult actually make you smile? Was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these examples did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more smiles? If so, just click on the links below.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

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34 corny but very clever one-liners that’ll crack you up

Clever one-liners 3Whenever I post some clever one-liners, I always get an enormous response from readers. Clearly, they’re very popular with you.

So to satisfy demand, I thought I’d collect another batch for your amusement.

Here are 34 definitely corny but still very clever one-liners which I’m confident will crack you up. So enjoy them all and feel free to share this post with your friends. If some of these jokes made you laugh, then they’ll probably make your friends laugh.

However, relax and enjoy them all first.

Clever one-liners:

  1. A life in politics is full of parties.
  2. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  3. Coming up with weather puns is a breeze.
  4. I love jokes about eyes, the cornea the better.
  5. What do you call a small mother? A minimum.
  6. I met a girl on a dating site and we just clicked.
  7. I did have a joke about vacuums, but it sucked.
  8. When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  9. Pollen is when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
  10. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
  11. I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.
  12. I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
  13. How do you make a hotdog stand? You take the seat away.
  14. I hate negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
  15. Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
  16. I used to build stairs for a living, it’s an up and down business.
  17. Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
  18. Archaeologists are always broke because their careers lie in ruins.
  19. Claustrophobic people are more productive in thinking outside the box.
  20. What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
  21. I decided to get some Velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot? 
  22. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
  23. My sister said she didn’t understand cloning. I said that makes two of us.
  24. My tailor’s happy to make a pair of pants for me or at least, sew it seams.
  25. I got a reversible jacket for my birthday. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
  26. Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.
  27. I wasn’t originally going to get a heart transplant but then I had a change of heart.
  28. Why can’t you take anything balloons say seriously? They’re always full of hot air!
  29. I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why.
  30. This guy quit his job at the donut factory because he was fed up with the whole business.
  31. Running in front of a car will make you tired but running behind one is exhausting.
  32. My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed. I watched it all unfold.
  33. A teacher asked her student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?” The kid answers, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
  34. My husband passed away in the hospital when I couldn’t remember his blood type. His last words to me were, “Be positive!”

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If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

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Other articles you may also find amusing:

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33 witty one-liners that will really tickle you

33 witty one-linersWould you like a few witty one-liners to brighten your day dear reader?

Well, I’ve got an excellent selection for you today.

Once again I’ve been trawling my journals to put together a collection of witty one-liners that I’m confident you’ll enjoy.

These have all been collected over time and I can’t be sure who the originators were, so I can’t provide an acknowledgement on this occasion. However, if you have any ideas, please let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy them all and, please do share them with your friends.

Witty one-liners:

  1. Bad puns? That’s how eye roll.
  2. My patience has stretch marks.
  3. If you need an ark, I Noah guy.  
  4. Is a Will defined as a dead giveaway?
  5. Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.
  6. I used to be a banker but I lost interest. 
  7. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  8. Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at! 
  9. Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
  10. Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up.
  11. How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
  12. I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
  13. I wanted to grow herbs but I couldn’t find the thyme.
  14. Simba was walking too slowly so I told him to Mufasa
  15. I used to sell computer parts but then I lost my drive.
  16. The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
  17. Gravity jokes are getting old but I fall for them every time.
  18. Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? She’d mislaid them. 
  19. Do people who climb the world’s highest mountain ever rest?
  20. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
  21. I tried to make a belt out of watches but it was a waist of time.
  22. If a priest blesses an avocado does it become Holy Guacamole?
  23. I used to be a transplant surgeon but my heart just wasn’t in it.
  24. Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.
  25. England doesn’t have a kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.
  26. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
  27. I was going to look for my missing watch but I couldn’t find the time. 
  28. I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
  29. Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
  30. BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes in France. Nothing left but de Brie!
  31. Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work. There were red flags everywhere.
  32. I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
  33. Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed this post dear reader then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.