15 quotes by Lily Tomlin that are sharp and witty

Quotes by Lily TomlinOne of the greatest American comic personalities has to be Lily Tomlin in my opinion.

Born Mary Jean Tomlin in 1939, I think she’s up there with the very best female comedians like Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller and could give any of America’s funny men a serious run for their money too.

She is in fact an actress, comedian, writer, singer and producer and has had a successful career stretching back to the 1960s.

Here are 15 quotes by Lily Tomlin to underline my point.

Quotes by Lily Tomlin:

  1. We are all in this together, by ourselves. ~Lily Tomlin
  2. The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin
  3. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin
  4. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. ~Lily Tomlin
  5. I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. ~Lily Tomlin
  6. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. ~Lily Tomlin
  7. Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest then we can all die laughing. ~Lily Tomlin
  8. Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. ~Lily Tomlin
  9. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. ~Lily Tomlin
  10. The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~Lily Tomlin
  11. We’re all in this alone. ~Lily Tomlin
  12. I guess if people couldn’t profit from war I don’t think there would be war. ~Lily Tomlin
  13. Ninety-eight per cent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two per cent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. ~Lily Tomlin
  14. When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime, and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. ~Lily Tomlin
  15. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ~Lily Tomlin

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Lily Tomlin as interesting and inspirational as you’d hoped dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful. Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

12 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today

Funniest Jokes

We all need a smile or two occasionally. Jokes cheer us up and laughter is the best medicine. So today I offer you 12 of the funniest jokes, each in two lines.

Let me say that these are jokes that I’ve stumbled upon in various places, so I cannot claim credit for them.

However, I wasn’t able to identify the original authors either.

Should you be the author of any of these jokes, or should you know the original author then please let me know.

I would welcome the opportunity to add appropriate credits and links to acknowledge the authors. In the meantime, enjoy them all!

Funniest Jokes:

  • You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
  • You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

 

  • Parallel lines have so much in common
  • It’s a shame they’ll never meet

 

  • Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
  • Then they call me ugly and poor

 

  • Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re going to pay
  • You have my Word

 

  • I went to an emotional wedding the other day
  • Even the cake was in tiers

 

  • Someone stole my mood ring
  • I don’t know how I feel about that

 

  • I tried to catch fog yesterday
  • Mist

 

  • Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
  • If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan

 

  • I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrow too high
  • She looked surprised

 

  • I threw a boomerang a few years ago
  • I now live in constant fear

 

  • A guy shows up late for work. His boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8.30!”
  • The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8.30?

 

  • To people who say, “My dog is my best friend.”
  • I say, “Your dog may be your best friend but will it pick you up at the airport? I think not.”

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these funny jokes dear reader then please share this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

3 very funny jokes to get you smiling a little

Very funny jokesLaughter is a great way to give yourself a boost. So today I offer you 3 very funny jokes to get you smiling, hopefully just a little. Enjoy them all.

1. Store policy:

The store manager overheard her sales assistant saying to an elderly customer, “No mam, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.

Alarmed by what she’d heard, the store manager rushed over to the elderly lady as she was leaving the store and said, “Mam, I am so sorry, the information you were given was incorrect. We will actually have some very soon. We’ve placed an order today.

The elderly lady gave the store manager a slightly puzzled look, but then just smiled and left the store.

The store manager then walked back over to her sales assistant and said very sternly, “You must never say that we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we have it on order and we expect it any day. Do you understand me?

Yes, mam!” responded the sales assistant.

So what was it the old lady was asking for?” enquired the store manager.

Rain”, responded her sales assistant.

Very Funny Jokes2. Bad news:

Dan went to his physician for his annual check-up.

However, he was shocked when his doctor said to him, “I’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live.

Are you sure?” said Dan, “I feel fine. Isn’t there anything that can be done?”

“Well” said his doctor, “you could try taking a mud bath each day.”

“Will that cure me?” asked Dan.

“No, but it’ll get you used to the dirt”, responded the physician.

3. Embarrassing situations:

By nature, Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes of this woman and eventually he plucked up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice, “No! I will not sleep with you tonight!

Jason blushed, beetroot red with embarrassment and everyone in the bar looked over to see what was going on.

So he walked back over to the counter where he’d been sitting, reflecting on how he might have handled the situation and intending to leave the bar as soon as he’d finished his drink.

However, a couple of minutes later the attractive woman walked over to him and apologised.

I’m really sorry”, she said. “I’m actually a PhD student at Harvard and I’m doing research on how people respond in embarrassing situations.

To which Jason responded, yelling loudly at the top of his voice, “What do you mean you charge three hundred dollars minimum?

Very funny jokesPlease share this post:

If you enjoyed these very funny jokes, dear reader, then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

witty one-liner jokesIn need of being cheered up a little dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile?

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but should you know then do let me know. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes:

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.
  11. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  12. I’ve no idea why but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  13. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  14. Leave them wanting more is always great advice, unless you work in disaster relief.
  15. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  16. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccoughs.
  17. If we should never eat late at night then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  18. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  19. I read in the newspaper that a semi-colon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  20. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat, I’m living on the wrong planet.
  21. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  22. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  23. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves, and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  24. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  25. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it? Did any of these witty one-liner jokes make you smile?

If you did enjoy this article then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy witty one-liner jokes, so please share this post now.

If you could share this post then I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find interesting:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

Brilliant One-LinersWhenever I share funny one-liners with readers, the posts are always popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one-liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you dear reader.

Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 21 brilliant one-liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all Author Unknown.

However, I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able to enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime I hope these 21 brilliant one-liners will brighten your day.

Brilliant one-liners:

  1. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  2. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  3. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  4. Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  5. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  6. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
  7. I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  8. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  9. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  10. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  11. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  12. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  14. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  15. Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
  16. I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
  17. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  18. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
  19. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
  20. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  21. I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

If you enjoyed them, please share:

If you enjoyed these brilliant one-liners dear reader then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

25 funny facts to entertain and amuse you

Funny FactsIf you want to amaze people with the variety and depth of your knowledge then it’s always useful to have a few weird and funny facts at your disposal.

So here are 25 funny facts to entertain and amuse you. I found them all fascinating and I hope you do too dear reader.

See how many of these facts you can work into your conversations today.

Funny Facts:

  1. China has censored their word for censorship.
  2. Cows moo with regional accents.
  3. The female lion does 90% of the hunting.
  4. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  5. Over 75% of people who read Fact No 4 will then try to lick their elbow.
  6. 50% of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.
  7. Dolly Parton once lost out to a drag queen in a Dolly Parton look-alike contest.
  8. The blob of toothpaste you put on your toothbrush is called a nurdle.
  9. Putting in a vase will make flowers stand up straight for a week beyond when they would normally wilt.
  10. One-quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.
  11. A man once wore 60 shirts and nine pairs of jeans on a flight from China to Africa to avoid paying for excess baggage at check-in. 
  12. There’s a village in Norway called Hell and it freezes over every winter.
  13. It would take 76 workdays to read every online privacy policy we agree to in an average year.
  14. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
  15. In an average lifetime, while sleeping, people will eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
  16. 27% of all food produced in Western nations ends up in garbage cans.
  17. If you went out into space, you’d explode before you’d suffocate because there’s no air pressure.
  18. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
  19. A chip of silicon a quarter-inch square has the capacity of the original 1945 ENIAC computer, which occupied an entire city block.
  20. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
  21. You can tell the sex of a horse by its teeth. Most males have 40, whilst females have 36.
  22. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, then you’d have $1.19. You’d also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
  23. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
  24. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people
  25. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a Friday the 13th.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it? Did the facts amaze you?

If you were impressed with this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do love funny facts, as well as the weird and wonderful, so please share this post now.

And let me say that if you could share this post then I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles you may also find interesting:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

5 funny long jokes to tell your friends and make them smile

Funny long jokesIf you like telling your friends funny long jokes and you’re looking for some ammunition then here are five good ones that should make your friends smile.

Funny long jokes:

1. A face at the window:

Bill and Bobby Joe were leaving their local bar one night after a session of heavy drinking.

They’re both staggering, and they fall into Bobby Joe’s station wagon and he starts it up.

With the engine running and Bobby Joe still fumbling around in the driver’s seat, suddenly the face of an old man appears in the window on the passenger side, and he’s tapping lightly on the window.

It is pitch black out there and being taken completely by surprise, naturally this spooks Bill. So in reaction, he screams, “Oh my God, there’s a ghost!

Well, Bill’s remark spooks Bobby Joe too, so he puts his foot down and the station wagon begins to accelerate.

Bobby Joe can see the speedometer needle moving and yet, the face of the old man remains there in the window.

So Bill lowers the window and says, “What do you want, old man?

You got any tobacco?” the old man asks, softly.

Bill offers him a cigarette, and then shouts, “Step on the gas, Bobby Joe, and let’s get the hell out of here!

Well, the speedometer on the station wagon is approaching 80, and Bobby Joe looks at it and says, “We’ll be fine, he can’t catch us now.

Suddenly they hear the tapping on the window again, and it’s the same old man.

So, Bill rolls down the window once again and says, “What is it now?

Have you got a light?” the old man asks, politely.

Bill lights the man’s cigarette and then shouts, “Bobby Joe, step on it!

So, Bobby Joe presses the accelerator hard down to the floor and watches as the speedometer exceeds 100 miles per hour.

Once again Bobby Joe remarks, “We’ll be fine Bill, he can’t catch us now.

Well, a minute or two passes, and they hear that tapping on the window again.

Bill lowers the window and screams, “What the hell is it now, old man?

Your wheels are still spinning in the mud,” the old man responds softly, pointing to the rear of the vehicle.

2. The stakeout:

Rookie police officer, Jim Smith, has been assigned the role of staking out a local bar one night watching out for potential DUI violations.

As the evening draws to a close, he watches as one young man staggers out of the bar and tries his keys in five different cars before finding his own.

The young man fumbles for a few minutes, as Officer Smith keeps an Eagle eye on him, and eventually the car door opens and the young man falls into the driver’s seat.

Officer Smith watches the young man like a hawk, waiting to pounce, as other patrons start leaving the bar and driving off in their cars.

Eventually the young man gets his car started and attempts to drive away.

At that point, Officer Smith makes his move and pulls him over.

Sir, I must caution you that I suspect you’re driving under the influence and I need you to blow into this breathalyzer for me, please,” Officer Smith says politely but very firmly.

The young man does as requested and then hands the breathalyzer back to Officer Smith for checking.

Officer Smith looks closely as the blood-alcohol content score and it measures zero.

Officer Smith is puzzled by this outcome and demands to know what’s going on.

The young man smiles and says, “Sir, tonight it was my turn as designated decoy.

Funny long jokes3. The challenge:

Jerry was an Iron Man champion who also owned a bar just off the Las Vegas Strip.

Everyone in town knew that Jerry was the strongest man around and knowing that visitors to Las Vegas liked a bet, he used that to his advantage in attracting people into his bar.

On the counter there was a big sign headlined Challenge Jerry. In the small print it explained the bet was that anyone who could beat Jerry in a strongman challenge could win $1,000. The cost of the bet was $10.

In the challenge, Jerry would squeeze the juice from an orange into a glass. Once Jerry had squeezed the life out of the orange, challengers had to take the orange and see if they could squeeze any more juice from it.

Over the years truck drivers, lumberjacks, weightlifters and all sorts of tough guys had tried to beat Jerry in this challenge but, so far, no one had ever got the better of him.

One day a small, thin, weak-looking, middle-aged man with thinning hair and heavy-rimmed spectacles walked into the bar, slapped a $10 bill on the counter and said that he was willing to take up the challenge.

Everyone in the bar started laughing at the idea that this weak-looking, little man would have any chance of beating Jerry and walking out with the $1,000.

Jerry smiled at the man, picked up the $10 and said, “OK Buddy, you’ve got yourself a bet.

He then picks up one of California’s finest and squeezes the juice out of it until the glass is almost full. What remains of the orange was then handed to the challenger.

The little man focused momentarily and then started squeezing as hard as he could with both hands. To everyone’s amazement, within seconds, half a dozen drops of juice dripped into the glass.

Jerry congratulated the man on his success and handed him $1,000.

I’m impressed,” said Jerry. “What do you do for a living, buddy? I’m guessing you must be a lumberjack?

Oh no,” the man responded. “I work for the IRS.

4. The DEA Agent:

Steve McShane is an agent with the Drug Enforcement Agency based in Arizona and he’s had a tip-off that a farmer near Scottsdale is growing marijuana in one of his fields.

So McShane shows up at the farm one day unannounced and says to the farmer, “Hey buddy, I’m from the DEA and I’ve got a warrant to search your farm, as we suspect you of growing illegal narcotics.

Really!” the farmer says a little surprised, “I don’t know where you got that idea, but I guess I’ve got no choice but to let you do whatever you’ve got to do. However I must warn you DO NOT go in the backfield.

Well McShane is a little put out by this last comment, so he pulls out his badge and says to the farmer, “Now listen old man, do you see this badge? Take a good look at it, buddy. This badge says I’m with the DEA. And with this badge I’ve got access all areas. You hear what I’m sayin’? No one or nothing can stop me. You got that?

Yes sir!” said the farmer.

With that Steve McShane heads straight for the backfield believing the farmer’s comment was an attempt to deflect him from looking in the place where the marijuana is being grown.

Within minutes the farmer sees the DEA man running as though his life depended on it. And it did, as McShane was being chased by the biggest, meanest, fastest bull you’ve ever seen.

As the bull closes in on him, McShane screams at the farmer for help.

SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!” shouts the farmer. “Just tell him it gives you access all areas.

5. Spelling Test:

Beryl’s married life had not been a happy one and then sadly one day, she passes away.

Suddenly, she finds herself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

Hello, Beryl,” St Peter says, warmly. “You’ve done your best to lead a good and decent life, I know, so all I need is for you to spell one word correctly and you’ll be admitted to the kingdom of Heaven.

Right!” said Beryl. “And what word do I need to spell?

That word is love, Beryl,” St Peter responds. “Can you spell it for me?

Yes, of course,” said Beryl. “It’s L O V E.

Well done,” St Peter responds, “and welcome to the kingdom of Heaven.

Beryl quickly settles into life in Heaven and finds a new sense of purpose in helping St Peter will his many duties.

St Peter begins to rely on her so much that one day, when he’s very busy, he asks her to deputize for him at the Pearly Gates, checking new arrivals.

As luck would have it, Beryl’s husband appears at the Pearly Gates whilst she’s on duty.

Oh, it’s you,” says Beryl. “Well I’ve got to tell you that you won’t be admitted to Heaven unless you can spell one word correctly for me. And you only get one chance to spell it perfectly.

Right!” says her husband. “And what word do I need to spell for you?

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu,” Beryl responds, smiling brightly.

If you enjoyed these long jokes, please share them:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny long jokes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

15 Amusing quotes by Phyllis Diller that’ll make you smile

Phyllis DillerThe late Phyllis Ada Driver, or Phyllis Diller as she’s better known to fans of comedy, was one of America’s greatest comic talents.

She was an actress and stand-up comedienne with an eccentric stage persona.

Self-deprecating humor was her stock in trade, together with wild hair, zany clothes and an exaggerated, cackling laugh.

Phyllis Diller was a very funny lady and one who is greatly missed by fans of good comedy everywhere.

So today I thought it might be quite interesting to explore some of her quotes and observations.

Quotes by Phyllis Diller:

Here are 15 quotes by Phyllis Diller which should make you smile.

  1. You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! ~Phyllis Diller
  2. The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. ~Phyllis Diller
  3. You know you’re old if they’ve discontinued your blood type. ~Phyllis Diller
  4. I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’ ~Phyllis Diller
  5. Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in. ~Phyllis Diller
  6. The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. ~Phyllis Diller
  7. Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea. ~Phyllis Diller
  8. Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. ~Phyllis Diller
  9. I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along but it was easy. He was the only one that came along. ~Phyllis Diller
  10. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. ~Phyllis Diller
  11. This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him. ~Phyllis Diller
  12. Life is a do-it-yourself kit; so do it yourself. Work. Practice. ~Phyllis Diller
  13. Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, ‘I’ll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,’ never ends in a hug and a kiss. ~Phyllis Diller
  14. This man I was going out with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas but he gave me a bowling ball. ~Phyllis Diller
  15. To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do. ~Phyllis Diller

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Phyllis Diller amusing?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that’s true then please share this blog post with your friends on social media because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

©Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

15 Quotes by Groucho Marx to amuse you

Groucho Marx, born Julius Henry Marx, was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio and television star and part of the successful and immensely popular comedy act known as The Marx Brothers.

Groucho was known for his quick wit and he is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era.

With his siblings the Marx Brothers, Groucho Marx made 13 feature films but he also had a successful solo career in radio and television.

Here are 15 quotes by Groucho Marx which illustrate his quick wit.

Quotes by Groucho Marx:

  1. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you’ve got it made. ~Groucho Marx
  2. I intend to live forever or die trying. ~Groucho Marx
  3. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. ~Groucho Marx
  4. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. ~Groucho Marx
  5. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. ~Groucho Marx
  6. No man goes before his time, unless the boss leaves early. ~Groucho Marx
  7. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others. ~Groucho Marx
  8. I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ~Groucho Marx
  9. Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. ~Groucho Marx
  10. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. ~Groucho Marx
  11. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~Groucho Marx
  12. There’s one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him. If he says, yes, you know he’s a crook. ~Groucho Marx
  13. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ~Groucho Marx
  14. Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me? ~Groucho Marx
  15. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? ~Groucho Marx

Please share this post:

Did you find these quotes by Groucho Marx as interesting and amusing as you’d hoped dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated. Thank you.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

©Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights

Funniest Jokes 2021: Could these be the 5 of them?

Funniest Jokes 2021Want to be the life and soul of the party, dear reader? Then here are 5 of the funniest jokes 2021 to tell your friends and make them laugh. They all made me laugh, that’s for sure.

Funniest Jokes 2021:

1. The Test:

A teacher has prepared a test for two of her students.

Now one of these kids is very clever but the other one is a bit slow, to say the least.

The test has 10 questions and the teacher sits both students down in the classroom and gives them 45 minutes to complete the test.

Once completed by the students, the test papers are sent away for independent marking and assessment.

When the teacher receives the marked test papers back, she looks at the slow kid’s mark first. He’s been given 9 out of 10.

That’s astonishing!” the teacher thinks to herself.

She then looks at the clever kid’s mark and he too has been given 9 out of 10.

That can’t be right,” the teacher exclaims.

So she goes through the clever kid’s paper in detail.

The first nine questions he’s got all right. However, for the tenth question, he’s simply written, “Sorry mam, but I don’t know the answer to this question.

So the teacher then goes through the slow kid’s paper in detail.

Again he’s got the first nine questions all right. And then for the tenth question he’s written, “I don’t know the answer either.

2. Questionable weather:

Jane is arguing with her husband, Bill about the winter weather, precipitation and how they would describe the amount of moisture currently in the atmosphere.

Well,” said Jane. “This to me is drizzle.

No,” Bill responded. “It’s heavy mist.

This debate went on for a while and then, eventually, Jane suggested they ask the elderly man next door.

Hey,” said Jane, “Rudolf’s a former Soviet communist from Russia. He’ll know all about bad weather.

So they went next door and asked Rudolf for his opinion.

It is drizzle,” Rudolf declared.

Needless to say, Bill felt a little put-out, losing the argument in this way.

Why should we accept his judgement anyway?” asked Bill.

Jane smiled and said, “Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!

Funniest Jokes 20213. Communication breakdown:

Sister Elizabeth is walking down to breakfast in the convent one morning when she meets Sister Gillian.

Good morning Sister Elizabeth,” says Sister Gillian, “it looks like you got out of the wrong side of the bed.

In response, Sister Elizabeth smiles. She’s slightly puzzled by Sister Gillian’s comment but she lets it go.

As she proceeds down the corridor towards the dining room, she then bumps into Sister Julienne.

Good morning Sister Elizabeth,” says Sister Julienne, “it looks like you got out of the wrong side of the bed.

Though mildly irritated by hearing this comment a second time, once again she smiles and lets it go.

As she enters the dining room, Sister Elizabeth bumps into the Mother Superior.

Good morning Sister Elizabeth,” says the Mother Superior, “it looks like you got out of the wrong side of the bed.

Why on earth do people keep asking me that question?” says Sister Elizabeth. “Have I been rude to anyone?

No, not at all,” replies the Mother Superior, “but you’re wearing the Bishop’s slippers.

4. The wages of sin:

Mary is saying goodbye to her husband, John, as he nears death.

My love,” said John. “Before I die, I must confess that I was once unfaithful to you with another woman. In our fifty years of marriage, it was once and only once, I swear. Please can you forgive me?

Mary fidgets for a moment and then she reaches for the chest at the end of the bed. She opens the lid and takes out two ears of corn and a thousand dollars in cash.

Mary shows this to John and slightly bemused he asks, “What’s this?

Well John, I’ve been unfaithful too,” Mary responds. “And each time I had a lover I put an ear of corn in this chest.

John is clearly upset momentarily but then he says, “Well, it was only twice. But what was the money for?

Mary starts to weep and then she says, “Each time I got enough ears of corn for a bushel, I sold it.

5. The Good Samaritan:

Margarita had left her home in the small city of Campeche in Mexico for what she thought would be an exciting life in New York City.

However, the drudgery of life as a chambermaid, working in a third-rate hotel on 9th Avenue, proved to be a depressing experience.

She felt so depressed that one night she found herself standing on Brooklyn Bridge, contemplating throwing herself into the East River.

At that moment, a Good Samaritan came walking across the bridge in the shape of a handsome young man, named Tom.

Hello, I’m Tom,” said the young man. “Please tell me what’s troubling you, mam.

Life in Manhattan, working as a chambermaid, it is so hard,” Margarita responded. “I wanted so much more. And I can’t go home now, so I have nothing to live for.”

Look mam, the world is full of opportunity,” said Tom. “Hey, I’m a sailor and tomorrow we’ll be sailing to London, England. You could come too. I could stow you away on the ship and take care of you. I’ll bring you food each day and keep you happy.

Margarita thought about it momentarily and she realised that she had nothing to lose, so she accepted Tom’s offer.

That night, Tom took her aboard the ship and hid her in a small, but surprisingly comfortable, compartment in the hold.

From then on, each night Tom brought sandwiches and some red wine and after they’d eaten, he’d make love to her.

A few days later, during a routine inspection, the Captain discovered Margarita.

What are you doing here?” asked the Captain.

Sir, I have an arrangement with one of your sailors,” replied Margarita. “He brings me food and he’s taking me to London, England on your ship.

Really?” the captain responded.

Yes sir,” said Margarita. “He’s been taking advantage of me too, sir.

He certainly has, mam,” replied the Captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.

Funniest Jokes 2021If you enjoyed these funniest jokes 2021, please share them:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If you agree these were the funniest jokes 2021 and they made you smile, at least a little, then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.