35 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

BRILLIANT ONE-LINERSWhenever I share funny one-liners with readers, the posts are always popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one-liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you, dear reader.

Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 35 brilliant one-liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all classified as Author Unknown.

However, I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able to enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime, I hope these 35 brilliant one-liners will brighten your day.

Brilliant one-liners (1-10):

  1. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  2. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  3. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  4. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  5. Always give 100 % unless you’re donating blood.
  6. I started with nothing, and I’ve still got most of it.
  7. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  8. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!
  10. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Brilliant one-liners (11-20):

  1. A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
  2. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  3. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  4. Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?
  5. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  6. I went to a seafood disco last night and pulled a mussel.
  7. Being a hypochondriac will save my life one of these days.
  8. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  9. Dogs will never make good dancers because they all have two left feet.
  10. I’ve just written a new book about reverse psychology. Please don’t buy it.

Brilliant one-liners (21-30):

  1. I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
  2. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  3. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought, “This changes everything!”
  4. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  5. My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
  6. I sent my photograph to a Lonely-Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.
  7. I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
  8. I asked my wife whether she was willing to embrace her mistakes. She said, “I married you didn’t I!”
  9. You know you’re in a crazy church when the only tune the organist knows is ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’.
  10. I was going to ask God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Brilliant one-liners (31-35):

  1. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  2. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? She’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!
  3. Did you hear about the guy who suffered from paranoia and low self-esteem? He thought no one important was out to get him.
  4. I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. “How flexible are you?” he inquired. I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.”
  5. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.

If you enjoyed them, please share:

BRILLIANT ONE-LINERSIf you enjoyed these brilliant one-liners, dear reader, please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

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