Brilliant one-liners Archives

60 British insults for getting your message across

01/07/2022 by Roy Sutton

When it comes to insults the British certainly can have a clever turn of phrase. Well, I think so but then again I am British, so perhaps I’m a little bit biased. Therefore allow me to offer you 60 British insults to prove my point.

All of these clever comebacks made me smile and I hope you’ll enjoy at least some of them too.

So take a few minutes to appreciate the British sense of humour and please feel free to pass them on.

British insults (1-20):

Get lost!
You stink!
You wazzock!
A pox on you.
Do one, tosser!
You gormless git!
You silly plonker!
Shove it up your ass!
You pointless prick!
Just get out of my sight.
You’re as daft as a brush.
You sir are a waste of space.
You’re an absolute doorknob.
You’re as mad as a box of frogs.
You’re a sandwich short of a picnic.
Watch where you’re going, dipstick!
You corrosive lump of faecal horror.
You have a mouth like a torn pocket.
Pigs in a sty smell better than you do.
You’re a waste of the air you breathe.

British insults (21-40):

You look ill. Should I call a vet for you?
Wow, you’ve got a great face, for radio!
Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
Nice hair. Does it grow all over your back?
You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
Do you have anything edible on the menu?
Is it normal to foam at the mouth like that?
You’ve got a face like a bag of smashed crabs.
Boy, you’ve been whacked with the ugly stick!
Is that rotting flesh or your armpits I can smell?
You’ve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
You add less value than the excrement on my shoe.
Do that again and I’ll have your guts for garters.
You don’t have to be a complete tosser all your life.
You’re so obnoxious, how do you live with yourself?
Where I come from we walk the family pet not eat it.
I’m guessing they don’t sell deodorant where you live.
Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
I’d call you a whore but that would be unfair to whores.
I don’t hate you but may your death be slow and painful.

British insults (41-60):

Perhaps it might just be a ‘You’ problem?
Only a complete slimeball would think that’s acceptable.
Yes, I’d love to meet your parents. When does the zoo open?
Well, aren’t you a little bundle of something quite unpleasant.
Yes, I’m drunk but tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face like a melted welly.
Everyone has the right to be ugly but you’re abusing that privilege.
If you really must smile it would be better if you visited a dentist first.
Call me unworldly if you must, but do women normally have hair there?
With a menu as bad as this I won’t have any problem sticking to my diet.
I wouldn’t call you ugly but you’ve got a face like a blind cobbler’s thumb.
I think you’re brave in showing your face in public, without a bag covering it.
What’s wrong with you? You’re walking like your ass is chewing a toffee.
I’m guessing fornication with your siblings eliminates your need for dating apps
I’d call you ugly but that doesn’t quite say what a truly unpleasant sight you are.
I must have done something terrible in another life to deserve a mingebag like you?
People say you’re a bit of a spanner but in my experience, you’re more the full toolkit.
If you could just listen to yourself for a minute you’d realize your opinion is ridiculous.
Could I borrow a hosepipe, please? You look like you’re in need of some colonic irrigation.
I know I asked for a rare steak but a good vet could have this one back on its feet in an instant.

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25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

01/02/2022 by Roy Sutton

In need of being cheered up a little dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile?

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but should you know then do let me know. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes:

Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
If your horses don’t smoke then your stable must be on fire.
What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.
Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
I’ve no idea why but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
Leave them wanting more is always great advice, unless you work in disaster relief.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccoughs.
If we should never eat late at night then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
I read in the newspaper that a semi-colon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat, I’m living on the wrong planet.
What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves, and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

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So dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it? Did any of these witty one-liner jokes make you smile?

If you did enjoy this article then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy witty one-liner jokes, so please share this post now.

If you could share this post then I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

12/21/2021 by Roy Sutton

Whenever I share funny one-liners with readers, the posts are always popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one-liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you dear reader.

Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 21 brilliant one-liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all Author Unknown.

However, I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able to enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime, I hope these 21 brilliant one-liners will brighten your day.

Brilliant one-liners:

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

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Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

15 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

12/04/2021 by Roy Sutton

There’s so much stuff on the Internet and so little time to read it all. We need to laugh but we haven’t got time to read all the longer jokes.

Worry not dear reader. Help is at hand. Here are 15 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Certainly, they all made me smile.

They’ll only consume 30 seconds of your time and they’re well worth the effort.

And of course, laughter is the best medicine. So rather than take medication, you can have a good laugh instead.

Surely that’s a win-win situation? Go on, enjoy them all now.

Brilliant one-liners:

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.
If a woman wants to scare a man the only question she needs to ask is, “Do you know what day it is today?”
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.
She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
If photons have mass does that mean they’re Catholic?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.
You know they’re a real friend when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.
Can you make a waterbed more bouncy by using spring water?
Why is the day you do your housework, laundry, cooking and ironing called a day off?

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So did any of these prove to be the brilliant one-liners you’d hoped for dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

30 funny dating profile examples or how not to write one

09/21/2021 by Roy Sutton

In days gone by the dating game was simple. You went to a dance on a Saturday night and, with a bit of luck, you met someone nice who was willing to see you again.

Obviously, the modern dating scene is very different. The age of the dating app makes the process difficult, insofar as you don’t get to meet someone unless they like what they see and what you have to say in your profile.

So you need a flattering photo, naturally, as well as a great sales pitch. And it really needs to be a sales pitch because you are actually trying to sell yourself to any potential dates who are checking out your profile.

A good sales pitch should highlight your unique selling proposition and the reasons why you’re a worthy date. Your words should be positive and scream “I’m a great catch, so grab me whilst I’m still available.” In short, your words should be a call to action.

Any decent salesperson could tell you this, so there’s nothing unique in what I’m saying here. You’d think it was obvious, wouldn’t you?

Following the close inspection of a few dating apps, I can tell you that there are plenty of people out there who haven’t helped themselves when they wrote their profiles.

However, whilst such people don’t necessarily do themselves any favours with their profiles, their words have the potential to make us all laugh.

So here are 30 funny dating profile examples that really made me smile. These are from real apps, albeit I wonder whether some were written tongue-in-cheek.

Funny dating profile examples (1-15):

Miserable soul looking for love.
Recovering alcoholic seeking soul mate.
My life’s a car crash, can you make it better?
I’ve just got the all-clear, so I’m ready for love again.
Manic depressive looking for a nice girl to cheer him up.
If you’ve got a fetish for body odour then I’m your man.
I hate men but could you be the one to change my mind?
So far, I’ve had 60 lovers at college, will you be my 61st?
Looking for someone to pay my bills and take care of me.
If you’ll be my meal ticket I’ll be your pampered princess.
My relationships never work out but I’m willing to try again.
Angry bitch looking for that special one to make his life hell.
Don’t think of me as bald, think hairstyle that says minimalism.
If you can handle a drama Queen then I could be the one for you.
Served my sentence for assault and battery. Now looking for love.

Funny dating profile examples (16-30):

If you’ll cook, clean and do my ironing then you’re the girl for me.
I enjoy long walks and candlelit dinners and someone to pay the bill.
Bad teeth, bad breath, body odour and acne but otherwise a great catch.
Had my fun and I’ve got three kids to prove it. So what can you offer me?
If you’re looking for a fixer-upper then I could be the challenge you need.
As long as I always get my own way in every situation, I can be flexible.
I hate everyone, so why should I like you? You’ll need a good story to tell.
If you’re looking for a bird with a lot of troublesome baggage, then I’m your girl.
My mother will always be my first priority but if that works for a girl like you, swipe right.
If you’re looking for someone considerate, kind and caring then you’d better swipe left.
I’ve got all the looks, charm and intelligence anyone could possibly want and I’m modest too.
With three kids and one on the way, I’m looking for a father for them. Could you be the one?
I can be difficult, jealous, sarcastic and moody. Could you be the one to make me happy?
You could be my down-time, my spare-time, my part-time, and my sometime. Someone I turn to when I’ve nothing better to do.
Bald man with no job, no money, no prospects and living with his parents is looking for a good woman with her own house and car. Could you be the one?

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny dating profile examples made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

33 amusing one-liners that’ll raise a smile or make you cringe

09/16/2021 by Roy Sutton

If you love amusing and witty one-liners then you might just enjoy today’s post.

There are 33 little gems here that should tickle you, a little at least.

Either that or they might just make you cringe.

Yes, it’s true, a few are corny. Nevertheless, I hope they give you a laugh.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Amusing One-liners (1-11):

As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

Why was it so hot at the ballpark after the game? All the fans left.
I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
The perfect solution for keeping Brownies fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.

Amusing One-liners (23-33):

My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
The sweater I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.”
I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!”
A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

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So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these one-liners amusing? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, just click on the links below.

21 brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and very witty

09/05/2021 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and witty then today I’ve got 21 of them for you.

They are made me smile and I hope at least a few of them will make you smile too.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

I did have a handle on life, but it’s broken.
No, I can’t offer you a solution, but I can offer a sarcastic remark.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
I don’t like jokes about the unemployed because none of them works.
Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they’re getting.
Do people really practise yoga every day? It sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
If you think television can insult your intelligence, nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Letting go of a loved one is hard unless you’re trying to survive a rock climbing accident.
Have you heard about the new game for Generation Z kids’? It’s called ‘I spy with my little iPhone’.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Worrying can solve your problems. I know because 99 per cent of the things I worry about never happen.
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
I was knocked off the donkey I was riding when someone threw a rock at me. I was literally stoned off my ass.
You might be tempted to fight fire with fire, but you should remember this, the fire department prefers to use water.
If you give a man a fish you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
I’m told money can’t buy me happiness but, surely being miserable in a Mercedes beats being miserable on the bus?
So what, if the early bird gets the worm? It’s better to be the second mouse and get the cheese. Worm or cheese? No contest!
A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of Jack Daniel’s. The bartender said, ‘I’m sorry buddy but we don’t serve spirits in here.’
If you want proof that light travels faster than sound, you only have to look at people who appear bright until they open their mouths.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these brilliant one-liner quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

60 British insults for getting your message across

British insults (1-20):

British insults (21-40):

British insults (41-60):

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25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

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21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

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15 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

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30 funny dating profile examples or how not to write one

Funny dating profile examples (1-15):

Funny dating profile examples (16-30):

Please share this post:

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33 amusing one-liners that’ll raise a smile or make you cringe

Amusing One-liners (1-11):

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

Amusing One-liners (23-33):

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21 brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and very witty

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