In need of being cheered up a little dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile?
I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.
I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but should you know then do let me know. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.
In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.
Witty one-liner jokes:
- Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
- Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
- Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
- Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
- If your horses don’t smoke then your stable must be on fire.
- What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
- I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
- Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
- If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
- I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.
- Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
- I’ve no idea why but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
- The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
- Leave them wanting more is always great advice, unless you work in disaster relief.
- What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
- In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccoughs.
- If we should never eat late at night then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
- I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
- I read in the newspaper that a semi-colon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
- 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat, I’m living on the wrong planet.
- What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
- When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
- Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves, and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
- If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
- Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice but 40 seems more than enough children to me.
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