37 short quotes that are funny and sharp

SHORT QUOTES THAT ARE FUNNYIf you’re looking for some short quotes that are funny and sharp, dear reader, then I’ve curated 37 little gems for you today.

I’m confident that at least a few of them will make you smile.

Who originally gave us these little gems? I have no idea. But whoever it was, we should all thank them.

So, take a few moments to enjoy that all and please feel free to pass them on.

Short quotes that are funny (1-10):

  1. I’m not short, I’m fun-sized!
  2. I’m not old, I’m just a classic.
  3. I’m not weird, I’m just different.
  4. I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.
  5. I’m not lazy, I’m just energy efficient.
  6. I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition.
  7. I’m not bald, I’m just taller than my hair.
  8. I’m not old, I’m just chronologically gifted.
  9. I’m not always right, I’m just never wrong.
  10. I’m not impatient, I just prefer not to wait.

Short quotes that are funny (11-20):

  1. I’m not messy, I’m creatively disorganized.
  2. I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravity challenged.
  3. I’m not moody, I just have a lot of feelings.
  4. I’m not stubborn, I’m just persistently right.
  5. I’m not antisocial, I’m just selectively social.
  6. I’m not lost, I’m just taking the scenic route.
  7. I’m not sarcastic, I’m just fluent in smartass.
  8. I’m not late, I’m just chronologically challenged.
  9. I’m not a control freak, I’m a control enthusiast.
  10. I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Short quotes that are funny (21-30):

  1. I’m not difficult, I’m just picky about my stupidity.
  2. If life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
  3. I don’t have bad handwriting; I have my own font.
  4. I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
  5. I wanted to be a baker but couldn’t raise the dough.
  6. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  7. I’m not procrastinating, I’m prioritizing in reverse order.
  8. I’m not always right, but when I am, it’s usually by accident.
  9. I’m not messy, I just like to create my own obstacle courses.
  10. I tried to start a hot air balloon business, but it never took off.

Short quotes that are funny (31-37):

  1. I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing why I’m right.
  2. I’m not a procrastinator, I’m just very efficient at doing nothing.
  3. I’m not forgetful, I’m just experiencing spontaneous memory loss.
  4. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right in a different way.
  5. I’m not nosy, I’m just overly curious about everything and everyone.
  6. I’m not a morning person. I’m a mourning person, mourning the loss of my sleep.
  7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of debt payments.

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37 SHORT QUOTES THAT ARE FUNNYSo, there you have it. My 37 short quotes that are funny. However were they as funny as you’d hoped? I hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

Brilliant One-LinersThere’s so much stuff on the Internet and so little time to read it all. We need to laugh but we haven’t got time to read all the longer jokes.

Worry not dear reader. Help is at hand. Here are 25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Certainly, they all made me smile.

They’ll only consume 30 seconds of your time and they’re well worth the effort.

And of course, laughter is the best medicine. So rather than take medication, you can have a good laugh instead.

Surely that’s a win-win situation? Go on, enjoy them all now.

Brilliant one-liners (1-10):

  1. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  2. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  3. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  4. If photons have mass does that mean they’re Catholic?
  5. I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
  6. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  7. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  8. I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.
  9. If I had a dollar for every smart person I know I’d be broke.
  10. A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.

Brilliant one-liners (11-20):

  1. I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
  2. The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
  3. Can you increase the bounciness of a waterbed by using spring water?
  4. If you can’t beat them, you could always arrange to have them beaten.
  5. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
  6. Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
  7. I saw a sign that said, “Watch for Children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
  8. She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So, we compromised and got a puppy.
  9. Why is the day you do your housework, laundry, cooking, and ironing called a day off?
  10. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.

Brilliant one-liners (21-25):

  1. You know they’re a real friend when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.
  2. I’m great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  3. If a woman wants to scare a man the only question she needs to ask is, “Do you know what day it is today?”
  4. When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.
  5. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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So did any of these prove to be the brilliant one-liners you’d hoped for dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

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33 amusing one-liners that might just make you smile

AMUSING ONE-LINERSIf you love amusing and witty one-liners then you might just enjoy today’s post.

There are 33 little gems here that should tickle you, a little at least.

Either that or they might just make you cringe.

Yes, it’s true, a few are corny. Nevertheless, I hope they give you a laugh.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Amusing One-liners (1-11):

  1. As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
  2. We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
  3. Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
  4. If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
  5. Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
  6. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  7. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
  8. I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
  9. If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
  10. What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
  11. Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

  1. Why was it so hot at the ballpark after the game? All the fans left.
  2. I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
  3. The perfect solution for keeping Brownies fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
  4. My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
  5. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
  6. I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
  7. When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
  8. I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
  9. Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
  10. I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
  11. Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.

one-liners-2Amusing One-liners (23-33):

  1. My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
  2. A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
  3. The sweater I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
  4. My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.
  5. I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
  6. A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
  7. My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
  8. There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
  9. I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!
  10. A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
  11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

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So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these one-liners amusing? Did they make you smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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21 brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and witty

brilliant-one-liner-quotesIf you’re looking for some brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and witty then today I’ve got 21 of them for you.

I’m confident that at least some of them will make you smile.

Certainly, they made me smile.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (1-10):

  1. I did have a handle on life, but it’s broken.
  2. No, I can’t offer you a solution, but I can offer a sarcastic remark.
  3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
  4. I don’t like jokes about the unemployed because none of them works.
  5. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
  6. Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they’re getting.
  7. Do people really practise yoga every day? It sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
  8. If you think television can insult your intelligence, nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  9. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  10. Letting go of a loved one is hard unless you’re trying to survive a rock-climbing accident.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (11-21):

  1. Have you heard about the new game for Generation Z kids’? It’s called ‘I spy with my little iPhone’.
  2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  3. Worrying can solve your problems. I know because 99 per cent of the things I worry about never happen.
  4. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  5. I was knocked off the donkey I was riding when someone threw a rock at me. I was literally stoned off my ass.
  6. You might be tempted to fight fire with fire, but remember that the fire department prefers to use water.
  7. If you give a man a fish you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
  8. I’m told money can’t buy me happiness but, surely being miserable in a Mercedes beats being miserable on the bus?
  9. So, what, if the early bird gets the worm? It’s better to be the second mouse and get the cheese. Worm or cheese? No contest!
  10. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of Jack Daniel’s. The bartender said, ‘I’m sorry buddy but we don’t serve spirits in here.’
  11. If you want proof that light travels faster than sound, you only have to look at people who appear bright until they open their mouths.

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BRILLIANT ONE-LINER QUOTESDid any of these brilliant one-liner quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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30 funny dating profile examples or how not to write one

funny dating profile examplesIn days gone by the dating game was simple. You went to a dance on a Saturday night and, with a bit of luck, you met someone nice who was willing to see you again.

Obviously, the modern dating scene is very different. The age of the dating app makes the process difficult, insofar as you don’t get to meet someone unless they like what they see and what you have to say in your profile.

So you need a flattering photo, naturally, as well as a great sales pitch. And it really needs to be a sales pitch because you are actually trying to sell yourself to any potential dates who are checking out your profile.

A good sales pitch should highlight your unique selling proposition and the reasons why you’re a worthy date. Your words should be positive and scream “I’m a great catch, so grab me whilst I’m still available.” In short, your words should be a call to action.

Any decent salesperson could tell you this, so there’s nothing unique in what I’m saying here. You’d think it was obvious, wouldn’t you?

Following a close inspection of a few dating apps, I can tell you that there are plenty of people out there who haven’t helped themselves when they wrote their profiles.

However, whilst such people don’t necessarily do themselves any favours with their profiles, their words have the potential to make us all laugh.

So here are 30 funny dating profile examples that really made me smile. These are from real apps, albeit I wonder whether some were written tongue-in-cheek.

Funny dating profile examples (1-15):

  1. Miserable soul looking for love.
  2. Recovering alcoholic seeking soul mate.
  3. My life’s a car crash, can you make it better?
  4. I’ve just got the all-clear, so I’m ready for love again.
  5. Manic depressive looking for a nice girl to cheer him up.
  6. If you’ve got a fetish for body odour then I’m your man.
  7. I hate men but could you be the one to change my mind?
  8. So far, I’ve had 60 lovers at college, will you be my 61st?
  9. Looking for someone to pay my bills and take care of me.
  10. If you’ll be my meal ticket I’ll be your pampered princess.
  11. My relationships never work out but I’m willing to try again.
  12. Angry bitch looking for that special one to make his life hell.
  13. Don’t think of me as bald, think hairstyle that says minimalism.
  14. If you can handle a drama Queen then I could be the one for you.
  15. Served my sentence for assault and battery. Now looking for love.

Funny dating profile examples (16-30):

  1. If you’ll cook, clean and do my ironing then you’re the girl for me.
  2. I enjoy long walks and candlelit dinners and someone to pay the bill.
  3. Bad teeth, bad breath, body odour and acne but otherwise a great catch.
  4. Had my fun and I’ve got three kids to prove it. So what can you offer me?
  5. If you’re looking for a fixer-upper then I could be the challenge you need.
  6. As long as I always get my own way in every situation, I can be flexible.
  7. I hate everyone, so why should I like you? You’ll need a good story to tell.
  8. If you’re looking for a bird with a lot of troublesome baggage, then I’m your girl.
  9. My mother will always be my first priority but if that works for a girl like you, swipe right.
  10. If you’re looking for someone considerate, kind and caring then you’d better swipe left.
  11. I’ve got all the looks, charm and intelligence anyone could possibly want and I’m modest too.
  12. With three kids and one on the way, I’m looking for a father for them. Could you be the one?
  13. I can be difficult, jealous, sarcastic and moody. Could you be the one to make me happy?
  14. You could be my downtime, my spare time, my part-time, and my sometime. Someone I turn to when I’ve nothing better to do.
  15. Bald man with no job, no money, no prospects and living with his parents is looking for a good woman with her own house and car. Could you be the one?

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny dating profile examples made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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25 brilliant short jokes to make you smile

brilliant short jokesIf you’re looking for some brilliant short jokes to make you smile, dear reader, then I have some here today that will tickle you.

So, take a few minutes and enjoy them all.

And feel free to share them with your friends.

Brilliant short jokes (1-10):

  1. What do ticks and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris-sites.
  2. l asked my boss when his birthday was. He said, “March 1st.” So, I stood up, walked around the office, and asked again.
  3. My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because I’m balding. Well, it’s hair loss.
  4. If a drummer comes out of retirement will there be repercussions?”
  5. The other day I spotted an Albino dalmatian. Well, it was the least I could do for him.
  6. It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to my local bar. However, it’s a 45-minute walk from the bar back to my house. The difference is staggering.
  7. I bought lettuce from a small grocery store called Mamas & Papas but I can’t eat it. All the leaves are brown.
  8. If I ate six bowls of alphabet soup before bed, would it result in a massive vowel movement the following morning?
  9. I said to my boss that I needed a pay rise because three other companies were after me. “Which ones?” he asked. “Electricity, Gas, and Water,” I replied.
  10. I bought a new pair of gloves today, but it turns out that they’re both ‘lefts’. On the one hand, that’s fine, but on the other, it’s not right.

Brilliant short jokes (11-20):

  1. Charles Dickens walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a martini. “Olive or twist?” said the bartender.
  2. I’ve started promoting the health benefits of eating dried grapes. Naturally, I’m raisin awareness.
  3. OMG! I’ve just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person! And here was me thinking he was just a theoretical physicist.
  4. I’ve just spent the day listening to the Doors. I really must oil the hinges.
  5. My girlfriend runs a battery kiosk at the local park. She sells C cells by the seesaw.
  6. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine. She found out that I’d been seeing Claire Lee behind her back. At least, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone!
  7. I went to my doctor with hearing problems. He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?” I said, “Yes, Homer’s the fat bloke and Marge is the woman with blue hair.”
  8. Looking for an easy way to turn your sofa into a sofa bed? Try forgetting your wife’s birthday, that should do it.
  9. My wife was bitten by a radioactive owl and now she’s making all my decisions for me. It seems she has power of a tawny.
  10. I joined a Carpenter’s Class the other day, but we haven’t made anything yet. We’ve only just begun.

Brilliant short jokes (21-25):

  1. I wasn’t too happy when my doctor told me to cut down on my constant dancing, so I just grabbed my coat and waltzed right out of there.
  2. Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s eaten. It’s called a wedding cake.
  3. My Uncle Artie is always making funny vegetable puns. I must say, I love Artie jokes.
  4. I pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt. Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, I’d say it was pretty painful.
  5. The teacher said to her math class, “If I had 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what would I have?” Little Johnny’s hand shot up and he said, “You’d have a drinking problem, miss.”

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brilliant short jokesSo dear reader, did you enjoy these brilliant short jokes? Were they worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

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25 brilliant one-liner quotes that’ll raise a smile

brilliant one-liner quotesHere are 25 brilliant one-liner quotes guaranteed to raise a smile. I loved them all and I’m confident you will too. Enjoy!

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

  1. Everything’s difficult before it’s easy.
  2. I do all my own stunts but never intentionally.
  3. Don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
  4. Your secret’s safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
  5. If only we could invoice people for wasting our time.
  6. I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.
  7. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery.
  8. Sarcasm is just punching people in the face with words.
  9. The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.
  10. You never know what you’ve got until you clean your room.
  11. Be like the postage stamp. Stick to a thing until you get there.
  12. I intended to behave but there were so many other options.
  13. If Cinderella’s shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
  14. Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.
  15. Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
  16. Revenge sounds so mean. I prefer to call it returning the favour.
  17. They say nothing’s impossible but I’ve been doing nothing all day.
  18. I’m still waiting for the wisdom I was assured would come with age.
  19. If one door opens when another closes, your house is probably haunted.
  20. You know it’s time to move on when the best part of your job is a chair that swivels.
  21. If you want your children to listen to you, try talking in a very low voice to someone else.
  22. If you’re going to get into trouble for hitting someone, you might as well hit them hard.
  23. People who can’t find time for rest and recreation will be forced to make time for illness, sooner or later.
  24. All I’m saying officer is that if you caught me then you must have been speeding too and no one is above the law.
  25. When you get angry take a deep breath and count to 10. Then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

Enjoyed these one-liners? Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

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