30 funny dating profile examples or how not to write one

funny-dating-profile-examplesIn days gone by the dating game was simple. You went to a dance on a Saturday night and, with a bit of luck, you met someone nice who was willing to see you again.

Obviously, the modern dating scene is very different. The age of the dating app makes the process difficult, insofar as you don’t get to meet someone unless they like what they see and what you have to say in your profile.

So you need a flattering photo, naturally, as well as a great sales pitch. And it really needs to be a sales pitch because you are actually trying to sell yourself to any potential dates who are checking out your profile.

A good sales pitch should highlight your unique selling proposition and the reasons why you’re a worthy date. Your words should be positive and scream “I’m a great catch, so grab me whilst I’m still available.” In short, your words should be a call to action.

Any decent salesperson could tell you this, so there’s nothing unique in what I’m saying here. You’d think it was obvious, wouldn’t you?

Following the close inspection of a few dating apps, I can tell you that there are plenty of people out there who haven’t helped themselves when they wrote their profiles.

However, whilst such people don’t necessarily do themselves any favours with their profiles, their words have the potential to make us all laugh.

So here are 30 funny dating profile examples that really made me smile. These are from real apps, albeit I wonder whether some were written tongue-in-cheek.

Funny dating profile examples (1-15):

  1. Miserable soul looking for love.
  2. Recovering alcoholic seeking soul mate.
  3. My life’s a car crash, can you make it better?
  4. I’ve just got the all-clear, so I’m ready for love again.
  5. Manic depressive looking for a nice girl to cheer him up.
  6. If you’ve got a fetish for body odour then I’m your man.
  7. I hate men but could you be the one to change my mind?
  8. So far, I’ve had 60 lovers at college, will you be my 61st?
  9. Looking for someone to pay my bills and take care of me.
  10. If you’ll be my meal ticket I’ll be your pampered princess.
  11. My relationships never work out but I’m willing to try again.
  12. Angry bitch looking for that special one to make his life hell.
  13. Don’t think of me as bald, think hairstyle that says minimalism.
  14. If you can handle a drama Queen then I could be the one for you.
  15. Served my sentence for assault and battery. Now looking for love.

Funny dating profile examples (16-30):

  1. If you’ll cook, clean and do my ironing then you’re the girl for me.
  2. I enjoy long walks and candlelit dinners and someone to pay the bill.
  3. Bad teeth, bad breath, body odour and acne but otherwise a great catch.
  4. Had my fun and I’ve got three kids to prove it. So what can you offer me?
  5. If you’re looking for a fixer-upper then I could be the challenge you need.
  6. As long as I always get my own way in every situation, I can be flexible.
  7. I hate everyone, so why should I like you? You’ll need a good story to tell.
  8. If you’re looking for a bird with a lot of troublesome baggage, then I’m your girl.
  9. My mother will always be my first priority but if that works for a girl like you, swipe right.
  10. If you’re looking for someone considerate, kind and caring then you’d better swipe left.
  11. I’ve got all the looks, charm and intelligence anyone could possibly want and I’m modest too.
  12. With three kids and one on the way, I’m looking for a father for them. Could you be the one?
  13. I can be difficult, jealous, sarcastic and moody. Could you be the one to make me happy?
  14. You could be my down-time, my spare-time, my part-time, and my sometime. Someone I turn to when I’ve nothing better to do.
  15. Bald man with no job, no money, no prospects and living with his parents is looking for a good woman with her own house and car. Could you be the one?

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If any of these funny dating profile examples made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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33 amusing one-liners that’ll raise a smile or make you cringe

one-liners-1If you love amusing and witty one-liners then you might just enjoy today’s post.

There are 33 little gems here that should tickle you, a little at least.

Either that or they might just make you cringe.

Yes, it’s true, a few are corny. Nevertheless, I hope they give you a laugh.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Amusing One-liners (1-11):

  1. As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
  2. We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
  3. Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
  4. If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
  5. Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
  6. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  7. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
  8. I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
  9. If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
  10. What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
  11. Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

  1. Why was it so hot at the ballpark after the game? All the fans left.
  2. I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
  3. The perfect solution for keeping Brownies fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
  4. My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
  5. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
  6. I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
  7. When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
  8. I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
  9. Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
  10. I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
  11. Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.

one-liners-2Amusing One-liners (23-33):

  1. My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
  2. A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
  3. The sweater I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
  4. My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.
  5. I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
  6. A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
  7. My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
  8. There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
  9. I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!
  10. A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
  11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these one-liners amusing? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, just click on the links below.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

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21 brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and very witty

brilliant-one-liner-quotesIf you’re looking for some brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and witty then today I’ve got 21 of them for you.

They are made me smile and I hope at least a few of them will make you smile too.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

  1. I did have a handle on life, but it’s broken.
  2. No, I can’t offer you a solution, but I can offer a sarcastic remark.
  3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
  4. I don’t like jokes about the unemployed because none of them works.
  5. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
  6. Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they’re getting.
  7. Do people really practise yoga every day? It sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
  8. If you think television can insult your intelligence, nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  9. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  10. Letting go of a loved one is hard unless you’re trying to survive a rock climbing accident.
  11. Have you heard about the new game for Generation Z kids’? It’s called ‘I spy with my little iPhone’.
  12. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  13. Worrying can solve your problems. I know because 99 per cent of the things I worry about never happen.
  14. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  15. I was knocked off the donkey I was riding when someone threw a rock at me. I was literally stoned off my ass.
  16. You might be tempted to fight fire with fire, but you should remember this, the fire department prefers to use water.
  17. If you give a man a fish you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
  18. I’m told money can’t buy me happiness but, surely being miserable in a Mercedes beats being miserable on the bus?
  19. So what, if the early bird gets the worm? It’s better to be the second mouse and get the cheese. Worm or cheese? No contest!
  20. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of Jack Daniel’s. The bartender said, ‘I’m sorry buddy but we don’t serve spirits in here.’
  21. If you want proof that light travels faster than sound, you only have to look at people who appear bright until they open their mouths.

brilliant-one-liner-quotes-2Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these brilliant one-liner quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

best-one-liners-of-all-timeDo you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some of the contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25 which I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them and then please pass them on.

Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

  1. I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
  2. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  3. Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
  4. My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
  5. A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  6. For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
  7. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  8. Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
  9. How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
  10. The importance of teamwork is there’s always someone else to blame.
  11. We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  12. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  13. Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
  14. The other man’s grass may be greener but at least you don’t have to mow it.
  15. If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

  1. Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
  2. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
  3. An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
  4. It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, and what they really mean is you need to listen.
  5. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
  6. Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
  7. Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
  8. We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
  9. My boss asked whether it was me or him that was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows that he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
  10. Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

66 silly jokes and some of the funniest one-liners

Funniest one-linersIf you’re looking for a laugh, here are a collection of silly jokes, corny puns, and some of the funniest one-liners you read today.

Yes, they’re all a bit corny but I’m confident many of them will tickle you too.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all and please pass them on.

Funniest one-liners (1-22):

  1. Add insult to injury, sign someone’s cast.
  2. You mustn’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  3. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
  4. If you need help building an ark, I Noah guy.
  5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  6. One exotic bird can’t make a pun but toucan.
  7. Just when you think you’ve got a good life, it’s broken.
  8. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
  9. I’m suffering from schizophrenia, but I’m good people.
  10. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s on my list.
  11. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  12. What do dogs do when watching a DVD? Press paws.
  13. I wanted to be a doctor but I didn’t have the patients.
  14. I went to a seafood disco and I ended up pulling a mussel.
  15. Two WiFi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
  16. How do scientists freshen their breath? With experi-mints!
  17. My wife’s bakery burned down last night. Her business is toast.
  18. What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner!
  19. I bought my gun from a guy called T-Rex. He was a small arms dealer.
  20. I got fired from my job as a set designer. So I left without making a scene.
  21. What’s the easiest way to burn 2,000 calories? You leave a tray of Brownies in the oven whilst you’re taking a nap.
  22. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.

Funniest one-liners (23-44):

  1. How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes.
  2. What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.
  3. How do you count cows? With a cow-culator.
  4. What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
  5. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
  6. What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.
  7. What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.
  8. I was going to tell a pizza joke but it’s too cheesy.
  9. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
  10. I’m on a whisky diet and I’ve lost three days already.
  11. How do you tell if a vampire’s sick? Check if he’s coffin.
  12. How many people are buried in the cemetery? All of them.
  13. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
  14. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
  15. The cannibal arrived late for the buffet, so he was given the cold shoulder.
  16. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
  17. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  18. Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
  19. Why did the girl give her pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.
  20. What makes long division such hard work? All those numerals you have to carry.
  21. I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone.
  22. Cinderella tried out for the basketball team at High School, but she kept running away from the ball.

66 funniest one-linersFunniest one-liners (45-66):

  1. What do you call a sad cow? A blue moo.
  2. What has a bottom at the top? Your legs.
  3. How can you see flying saucers? Trip up a waiter.
  4. What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.
  5. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
  6. What did the cake say to the fork? You want a piece of me?
  7. Who ruled France until he exploded? Napoleon Blownapart.
  8. Why did the bee start talking poetry? It was waxing lyrical.
  9. Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
  10. Who went into the tiger’s den and came out alive? The tiger.
  11. How does fast light travel? The same way that slow light travels.
  12. What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a camera? A snapshot.
  13. What’s the longest piece of furniture in the world? A multiplication table.
  14. What do you get if you cross a hula dancer with a boxer? A Hawaiian punch.
  15. What did the waiter say to the skunk? Sorry, I can’t take your odour.
  16. She was only a plumber’s daughter, but she sure gave my heart a wrench.
  17. What’s brown and hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on holiday.
  18. What do you get if you cross a compass with a shellfish? A guided mussel.
  19. Why did the robber jump in the bathtub? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
  20. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
  21. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback.
  22. Why is a room full of married people empty? Because there isn’t a single person in it.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these some of the funniest one-liners, in your opinion?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.