15 Really Bad Jokes: So Bad They’re Funny

really bad jokesHere are 15 really bad jokes that will make you cringe and make you smile simultaneously.

They really are so bad they’re funny. Certainly they made me smile.

  • Cashier in store: “Would you like the milk in a bag”?
  • Man: “No, just leave it in the carton”.
  • Man in bookstore: Where is the Self Help section please?
  • Saleswoman: If I told that sir it would defeat the purpose.
  • Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
  • In case he gets a hole in one!
  • How do you make holy water?
  • You boil the hell out of it.
  • What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
  • Nothing, they just waved.
  • Who’s the king of the classroom?
  • The Ruler!
  • What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they were married?
  • Feyoncé!
  • Why can’t zoo animals take tests?
  • There are too many cheetahs!
  • Why did the scarecrow win an award?
  • Because he was outstanding in his field.
  • What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth?
  • Someday my prints will come.
  • Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
  • Great food but no atmosphere!
  • How many apples grow on a tree?
  • All of them!
  • How do think the unthinkable?
  • With an itheberg!
  • What do you call a blind dinosaur?
  • Doyouthinkhesaurus
  • What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
  • It goes back four seconds!

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5 rib-ticklingly funny short story jokes to make you laugh

1. The funeral cortège:

Bill was walking along Main Street when he saw a funeral cortège, so he stopped for a moment as a mark of respect.

He noticed that there were two hearses with coffins in the cortège and the procession was being followed by a man walking solemnly with a pitbull terrier on a leash.

And behind him there was a long line of about 100 men walking quietly in single file.

Curious Bill spoke to the man with the dog and asked, “Excuse me sir, I don’t want to intrude on this sad occasion but you’re situation seems a little unusual. Whose funeral is this?

Well”, the man replied, “The first hearse is for my late wife. She died after this dog attacked her.

And the second hearse?” said Bill.

The second hearse is for my late mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife during the attack and the dog savaged her to death too”, the man responded.

Bill thought momentarily about the challenges in his own life and then he said to the man, “Is there any chance I could borrow your dog after the funeral?

The man smiled and pointed to the line of men behind him and said, “You’ll have to join the queue buddy.

2. The power of prayer:

Jackie was invited to give a talk at her local women’s group about the power of prayer.

With her husband Mike in the audience, she recalled how a few short months ago she’d turned to God when poor Mike had suffered an unfortunate accident.

Six months ago”, Jackie began, “my husband Mike was knocked off his motorcycle and his scrotum was smashed.”

Jackie explained that for Mike the pain had been unbearable and his doctors weren’t sure they’d be able to help him.

The doctors warned us that our lives might never be the same again”, said Jackie. “I can tell you I was scared. Mike was unable to get close to me or the children because every move caused him such extreme discomfort. And that meant we could no longer touch him around the scrotum.”

Jackie paused momentarily to allow the audience to absorb her words.

Then she said, “I’m not ashamed to say I turned to God for help and I prayed that the doctors would be able to repair Mike.

Again she paused and then said, “Fortunately our prayers were answered and the doctors were able to piece together the remnants of Mike’s scrotum with wire holding everything in place. His medical team tell me that he will make a full recovery and regain the full use of his scrotum.”

As the audience burst into applause, a lone man walked slowly up to the stage and said, “Hello I’m Mike, Jackie’s husband and I just wanted to remind my wife once again that the word is ‘sternum’.”

3. Discovering facts:

As part of her rehabilitation, a patient in a mental hospital was told by her psychiatrist to go out into the nearby town and discover one new fact.

Off she went and then a few hours later the patient returned to the hospital to tell the psychiatrist all about what she had learned.

So said her psychiatrist, “Were you able to find out something you didn’t know before?

Yes”, said the patient, “I discovered that spiders have ears on their legs.

Ears on their legs?” said the psychiatrist. “How did you work that out?

The patient produced a matchbox and when opened a large spider crawled out on to the psychiatrist’s desk.

The patient then said “Boo!

The spider scurried quickly across the desktop.

The patient then grabbed the spider and proceeded to pull off all its legs.

She then put it back on the desk and once again said, “Boo!

Naturally the spider was motionless.

The patient looked at the psychiatrist, smiled and then said, “Do you see? Without its legs it can’t hear me.”

4. The admiral and the general:

A Navy admiral and an Army general were fishing together on a lake one day when a storm blew up and their boat capsized.

Not being quite as fit as they once were, both men were floundering helplessly in the water.

However eventually the general managed to right the boat and clamber back on board.

He then rescued the admiral from drowning by reaching out to him with one of the oars and then hauling him back in.

As the admiral was dragged into the boat he struggled for a few seconds to regain his composure.

Then he said, “Please don’t say a word to anyone about this. If anyone in the Navy knew I couldn’t swim, I’d be disgraced.

The general smiled and said, “Don’t worry buddy your secret’s safe with me. I’d hate for my troops to find out that I couldn’t walk on water.

5. The origin of the species:

As she was getting ready for school one morning Grace asked her mother, “How did the human race appear mom?”

Well”, said her mother, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that’s how we all began dear.”

Two days later Grace asked her father the same question.

Well”, said her father, “first there were apes and from them the human race has evolved.

Naturally these responses left Grace a little confused.

So once again she spoke with her mother and said, “Mom I don’t understand. You said that we were created by God but dad says we evolved from apes. How can that be?

Her mother smiled and said, “Well darling it’s all very simple really. I was telling you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.

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17 cheesy jokes guaranteed to raise a smile

Once again I’ve been surfing the Internet looking for humor and smiles.

On this occasion I was looking for cheesy jokes.

So here are 17 cheesy jokes I found that should make you smile today I hope.

Unfortunately I couldn’t identify the authors but should you be one of them please let me know and I will add a suitable credit and link to your work.

Cheesy jokes:

  • What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles? 
  • UCLA 

 

  • Which US State has the smallest soft drinks? 
  • Mini-soda 

 

  • Where do pencils go for vacation? 
  • Pencil-vania

 

  • What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
  • A loose Canon

 

  • What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? 
  • A Bagel 

 

  • Where do Volkswagens go when they get old? 
  • The Old Volks home!

 

  • What did the fisherman say to the magician? 
  • Pick a cod, any cod!

 

  • Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
  • Because he was on a roll 

 

  • Why did the poor man sell yeast? 
  • To raise some dough

 

  • How do snails fight? 
  • They slug it out

 

  • Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? 
  • Because he wanted to see time fly! 

 

  • What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun? 
  • I just love baskin’ robins

 

  • What do lawyers wear to court? 
  • Lawsuits! 

 

  • Why did the man put his money in the freezer? 
  • He wanted cold hard cash!

 

  • What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? 
  • I don’t know and I don’t care. 

 

  • How does NASA organize a party?
  • They planet

 

  • What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand? 
  • Quattro Sinko 

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17 of the best puns ever and guaranteed to make you smile

I love wordplay, especially that form of wordplay that exploits multiple meanings of words for humorous effect.

I think clever puns are brilliant, which is why I’ve been searching the Internet for some of the best ones.

Here of 17 of the best puns I’ve found, so let me know what you think.

As always when searching the net for wit and wisdom, it’s difficult to confirm the original author. Should you be one of them dear reader then please let me know. That way I can give you credit for your brilliance.

Best puns ever:

  1. How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
  2. I hate peer pressure and you should too.
  3. I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
  4. I’m a born pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
  5. My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she’s a keeper.
  6. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where’s the bar tender?”
  7. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  8. I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  9. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well, it’s just gathering dust.
  10. About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
  11. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  12. A cop knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes but my dogs don’t even own bikes.
  13. I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. That must be a milestone.
  14. To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing.
  15. This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that’s a nice Jester.
  16. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
  17. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns but I realized that toucan play at that game.

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10 silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

If jokes that are just a little bit silly appeal to you, then here are 10 silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh.

These are the sort of jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers. Corny but you just can’t help laughing at them. Well groaning anyway.

Certainly they all made me smile and I hope you enjoy them too dear reader.

Today’s Silly Jokes:

  • What do you call an alligator in a vest?
  • An investigator.

 

  • What kind of car does Mickey Mouse’s wife drive?
  • A Minnie van!

 

  • What do you get when you cross a dog with an antenna?
  • A Golden Receiver.

 

  • Where should a 600 pound gorilla go?
  • On a diet

 

  • What has one head, one foot and four legs?
  • A bed.

 

  • What did the stamp say to the envelope?
  • Stick with me and we’ll go places!

 

  • What would happen if you threw yellow sneakers into the Red Sea?
  • They’d get wet.

 

  • Why did the photograph go to jail?
  • Because it was framed.

 

  • What would Bears become without Bees?
  • Ears.

 

  • Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
  • Because then it would be a foot!

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11 great one-liner jokes that will make your toes curl

Here are another 11 one-liners brought to my attention by readers over the past few weeks and which I thought I’d share with you.

I can’t be sure of their origins but they all made me smile and I hope they brighten your day too dear reader.

These are great one-liner jokes that will make your toes curl I’m sure. I hope so anyway. Enjoy them all.

Great one-liner jokes:

  1. A girl’s thoughts when she starts dating a guy – Date #1: That’s a really nice shirt. Date #2: Wow. That’s another nice shirt. Date #3: That’s the shirt he wore on our first date. Date #4: OK, he’s only got two decent shirts.
  2. The four sweetest words you can use when people didn’t listen to you? I told you so!
  3. My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I definitely laugh more.
  4. I prefer living in the past. At least the cost of housing was much cheaper.
  5. Military personnel can be charged for losing equipment. In the army you’ll pay $150 for losing your rifle. That explains why, in the Navy, a captain will always go down with his ship.
  6. I gave my wife the silent treatment for an entire week. At the end of it she said to me, “It’s been nice this week, we’ve really been getting on well.”
  7. There’s a new support group for compulsive talkers. It’s called On Anon.
  8. I’ve just found the worst page in my dictionary. The content is disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, disingenuous and disreputable.
  9. Why bother keeping up with the Joneses when you could drag them down to your level. Surely it’s less expensive that way?
  10. For Christmas or birthdays, buy your kids a set of batteries and just put a note inside saying “Toys not included.”
  11. My favourite hobby is going down to the beach and burying metal objects that have the words “Get a Life” inscribed on them.

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10 hilarious jokes that will certainly make you laugh

Hilarious JokesJokes are always popular with readers, so once again I’ve been searching the Internet for stuff to make you smile.

Here are 10 hilarious jokes that really made me laugh and I hope they will brighten your day too.

They are all classified as ‘Author Unknown’ as I’ve have been unable to confirm the identity of the original authors. However I’d be happy to add appropriate writing credits to each and every joke if anyone can advise me as to their origin.

10 Hilarious Jokes:

  • A naked woman robbed a bank.
  • Nobody could remember her face.

 

  • Patient: Doctor I’m so nervous, this is my first operation.
  • Doctor: Oh don’t worry. It’s mine too.

 

  • Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head.
  • Be happy that dogs can’t fly.

 

  • My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
  • I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

 

  • My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.
  • Well she’s in for a shock.

 

  • What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?
  • No whey Jose.

 

  • My girlfriend has her own taser.
  • She’s a real stunner.

 

  • I bought a dog off a blacksmith recently.
  • As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

 

  • What do you do with an epileptic lettuce?
  • You make a seizure salad.

 

  • A man walked into a zoo and the only animal they have was a dog
  • It was a Shih Tzu.

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When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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Irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contempt

irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contemptPeople! When they get too much, there are times when we all need to use a little irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contempt.

We can’t live without people of course but they do drive us all nuts at times too, or is that just me?

Actually I love people. Well most of the time anyway.

However I also like to have my little stock of sarcastic remarks, retorts and put-downs ready to use when I need them. And occasionally we all need them, don’t we?

So today I thought I’d share with you 33 examples of irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contempt.

Read them. Enjoy them. I hope they make you smile. And if you’re ever in a situation that warrants a biting comeback then you’ll be well-prepared. I hope so anyway.

Irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contempt:

  1. You go girl! And please don’t come back.
  2. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
  3. Those who laugh last think slowest.
  4. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than your absence.
  5. It’s obvious that in your profession stupidity’s not a handicap.
  6. Look I’m really busy right now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  7. Is being stupid your profession or are you simply gifted that way?
  8. If you’re ever given the keys to the City then the City will need to change the locks.
  9. How is it that when you see light at the end of the tunnel you always manage to extend the tunnel?
  10. If ignorance is bliss then you should be the happiest guy on the planet.
  11. To err is human but to blame it on others now that’s the art of politics.
  12. I’d say something polite but that might encourage you to hang around and that would be more than I could bear.
  13. They said this was a job anyone could do and now I’ve met you I know that to be true.
  14. You’re living proof that inability is not necessarily a liability in the job market.
  15. irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contemptI didn’t vote for you, I voted to stop your opponent gaining power.
  16. Sorry for the pause but I was trying to imagine you with a personality.
  17. When you say something worth hearing I’ll listen but I doubt that’ll happen any time soon.
  18. Look I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you. You’ve got to do some of the heavy lifting yourself.
  19. My opinion offended you? You should hear the opinions I keep to myself.
  20. I do try to see things from your point of view but your point of view is so stupid.
  21. If what I said is a problem for you then perhaps you could write it down on a piece of paper and then shove that piece of paper up your ass.
  22. You’re reading that book to look good, surely? Certainly in my experience, you lack the brains to understand it.
  23. You’re one of those people who manage to spread a little misery wherever you go.
  24. I’d enlighten you if I could but I’m not a magician.
  25. You’re living proof that light travels faster than sound. You appeared quite bright until I heard what you said.
  26. It wasn’t my intention to offend you when I called you stupid. I just assumed you knew that already.
  27. Are you really that stingy or do you just have extremely short arms and very deep pockets?
  28. If laughter is the best medicine then your face is the cure for every illness known to man.
  29. I’m not listening but please keep talking. Why wouldn’t I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed?
  30. Not all girls are made from sugar and spice and everything nice. Some are made from sarcasm and wine and everything fine.
  31. You may lack the power of conversation but unfortunately you don’t lack the power of speech.
  32. If it looked like I give a damn then allow me to apologize for giving you the wrong impression.
  33. I’m not sarcastic by nature; I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

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33 Hilarious Cheesy Pick-Up Lines

We’ve all been there at some point in our lives, particularly when we’re young.

We’re in a bar or a club and we see someone attractive, who we’d like to get to know a little bit better.

The weapon of choice in such situations is the pick-up or chat-up line as a conversation opener with the intent of engaging that person in the hope that it may lead to a date or even romance.

Sadly there are not many pick-up lines that we can truly look back on with pride though.

Here are 33 hilarious but very cheesy pick-up lines that may not stand the test of time but certainly they’ll make you smile right now. Enjoy them all.

Pick-Up Lines:

  1. Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?
  2. Are you Yoda? Because Yodalicious.
  3. Your hand looks heavy can I hold it for you?
  4. Your lips look lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
  5. Do you play soccer? Because you’re a keeper!
  6. Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
  7. Do you have a name or can I call you mine?
  8. Hello, you’re so hot a firefighter couldn’t put you out.
  9. I must be in a museum because you’re a work of art.
  10. You’re so lovely, you make me wanna go out and get a job
  11. Hi, I’m writing a phone book. Can I have your number?
  12. I’m no organ donor but I’d be happy to give you my heart.
  13. Hey, you’re pretty and I’m cute. Together we’d be pretty cute.
  14. I’m not a photographer but I can picture me and you together.
  15. Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.
  16. I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
  17. I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?
  18. Was your dad a boxer? Because you’re a knockout!
  19. I’m not a hoarder but I really want to keep you forever.
  20. Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
  21. Can I follow you? Because my mom told me to follow my dreams
  22. You must be a broom because you just swept me off my feet.
  23. Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.
  24. I heard you’re good at algebra. Can you replace my X without asking Y
  25. Do you have a band aid? Because I scraped my knees falling for you.
  26. You really shouldn’t wear makeup. You’re messing with perfection!
  27. Would you grab my arm, so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?
  28. Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.
  29. Do you know if there are any police around here? Cause I’m about to steal your heart.
  30. You look familiar. Didn’t we take a class together? I could’ve sworn we had chemistry.
  31. I don’t believe in love at first sight but I’m willing to make an exception in your case.
  32. I may not be the best looking guy here but I’m the only one talking to you.
  33. Can you kiss me on the cheek so I can at least say a cute girl kissed me tonight?

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these hilarious but very cheesy pick-up lines made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

21 funny quotes you’ll absolutely love

Funny QuotesI love quotes and I love those funny quotes that make you smile and make you think.

Here are 21 funny quotes to highlight my point. Enjoy them all.

Funny quotes:

  1. Smile today because tomorrow could be worse. ~Anonymous
  2. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. ~Anonymous
  3. I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. ~Anonymous
  4. You’re born free then you’re taxed to death. ~Anonymous
  5. He who wakes up early yawns all day long. ~Anonymous
  6. I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed. ~Anonymous
  7. Those who snore always fall asleep first. ~Anonymous
  8. Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has its limits. ~Anonymous
  9. I just wanted you to know somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. ~Anonymous
  10. “Revenge” sounds so mean, that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.” ~Anonymous
  11. The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you’re with someone you’re not supposed to be seen with. ~Anonymous
  12. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right. ~Anonymous
  13. To make a mistake is human but to blame it on someone else, now that’s even more human. ~Anonymous
  14. It may look like I’m doing nothing but in my head I’m quite busy. ~Anonymous
  15. When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window. ~Anonymous
  16. Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re done. ~Anonymous
  17. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. ~Anonymous
  18. I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live. ~Anonymous
  19. Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you’re bad luck. ~Anonymous
  20. I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop making me angry! ~Anonymous
  21. My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. ~Anonymous

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If any of these funny quotes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

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