5 really funny jokes that will make you smile

Really Funny JokesIf you’re like me you enjoy a joke. Something to make you laugh and brighten the day. Well here are five really funny jokes that made me smile today.

1. Money’s too tight to mention:

Two old friends, Mary and Jane, were going shopping.

Mary was a spendthrift and she had a bad habit of constantly overdrawing her bank account.

Before leaving for the mall, Jane complained about her own lack of funds and sadly lamented, “If I buy anything, I guess I’ll have to use plastic.”

Unconcerned, Mary just whipped out her checkbook and said, “Well I’ll be using rubber.”

2. Attempting to get blood from a stone:

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s wealthy banker, so the director decided to make a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

Really Funny Jokes3. Verifying your check

The store clerk requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she said was the only thing she had that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank. 

4. Asking for charity:

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m their landlord.”

 5. Ways of seeing:

Teenager, Billy lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a brief but fruitless search, Billy gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she’d found the lens.

“How did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing Billy,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

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So did these prove to be the really funny jokes you’d hoped for read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

30 of the best puns guaranteed to make you laugh

The Best PunsDo you enjoy clever puns, dear reader?

I must say, I do. I  love them and I’m always on the lookout for the best puns I can find and occasionally I write my own too.

So here are 30 of the best puns I’ve heard for a long time.

Unfortunately I cannot be sure of there origin but they’re guaranteed to make you laugh, of that I’m sure.

Certainly they made me laugh and I really hope they brighten your day too.

The Best Puns:

  1. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  2. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now seasoned veteran.
  3. Atheists can’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  5. A girl said she recognised me from my vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.
  6. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  7. The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.
  8. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
  9. I didn’t like my beard at first but it grew on me.
  10. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  11. Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.
  12. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  13. What does the clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  14. I dreamt I wrote Lord of the Rings but I think I was just Tolkien in my sleep.
  15. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
  16. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  17. I ordered 2000 lbs. of Chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
  18. With great reflexes comes great response ability.
  19. Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the calendar factory for taking a day off?
  20. Why do the French eat snails? They don’t like fast food.
  21. A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason. Details are sketchy.
  22. Don’t make jokes about unemployed people. They don’t work.
  23. My computer’s got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.
  24. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
  25. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
  26. The best time to open a gift is the present.
  27. Why did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
  28. I used to build stairs for a living but it’s an up and down business.
  29. Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
  30. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of the best puns listed above made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face now and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then please just click on the links below.

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© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

22 bad puns that are so bad they’re funny

Bad punsI love puns, as you may have seen in some previous blog posts. The clever use of words always makes me smile. Whether they’re good puns or bad puns they usually make me laugh.

Well, today I’m focusing on some bad puns for a change.

Here are 22 bad puns which consider why so many professionals never die.

I hope they brighten your day and or least don’t make you groan too much. Enjoy them all now.

Bad puns: 

  1. Old owls never die they just don’t give a hoot.
  2. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
  3. Old sculptors never die they just lose their marbles.
  4. Old professors never die they just lose their class.
  5. Old limbo dancers never die they just go under.
  6. Old chemists never die they just fail to react.
  7. Old mathematicians never die they just disintegrate.
  8. Old investors never die they just roll over.
  9. Old printers never die they’re just not the type.
  10. Old sanitation engineers never die they’re just dumped.
  11. Old police officers never die they just cop out.
  12. Old bankers never die they just lose interest.
  13. Old sewage workers never die they just waste away.
  14. Old electricians never die they just lose contact.
  15. Old accountants never die they just lose their figures.
  16. Old photographers never die they just stop developing.
  17. Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
  18. Old tailors never die they just get stitched-up.
  19. Old chauffeurs never die they just lose their drive.
  20. Old quarterbacks never die they just pass away.
  21. Old cleaners never die they just kick the bucket.
  22. Old cooks never die they just get deranged.

On the theme of old professionals never dying, can you add another one to this list?

Maybe you could make one up and entertain our readers? Perhaps a pun related to your own profession or hobby? I’ll bet you can dear reader.

Go on, have a go at writing one of your own and then add it as a comment below.

I’m confident readers will have lots of great ideas. So go on, share them with us all now.

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I hope these puns made you laugh dear reader. However, perhaps you feel that you could use another laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

37 one line funny quotes to brighten your day

One line funny quotesOne line funny quotes always make me smile. I just love clever wordplay and short, pithy comments. And I always make a note of them in my journal.

So today I’ve pulled together 37 one line funny quotes which I will brighten your day and raise a smile or two. Enjoy them all.

One line funny quotes:

  1. Blunt pencils are pointless.
  2. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  3. The rotation of Earth makes my day.
  4. Did Noah include termites on the ark?
  5. To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
  6. Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.
  7. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
  8. Which shoes do frogs prefer? Open toad sandals.
  9. Why do bees hum? They can’t remember the lyrics!
  10. If you don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
  11. The cost of living might be high but it remains popular.
  12. You can add insult to injury by signing somebody’s cast.
  13. If everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  14. I failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil. It wasn’t 2B. 
  15. I used to have an hour-glass figure, but the sand has shifted.
  16. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is on my ‘to do’ list.
  17. The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
  18. Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children is enough!
  19. You think you’ve got a handle on life and then you realise it’s broke.
  20. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  21. Adam and Eve were the first to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
  22. Does refusing to go to the gym count as a form of resistance training?
  23. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It can dissolve marriages, families and careers.
  24. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I’ve a hunch, it might be me.
  25. I went to see my physician about my short-term memory problems. He made me pay in advance.
  26. I bought a new pair of gloves and they were both ‘lefts’. Good on the one hand but on the other, just not right.
  27. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honest I’m not a fan.
  28. I’m sceptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
  29. Do I have a girlfriend? Well, I know a girl who would be really mad if I said I didn’t.
  30. Honesty’s the best policy, which suggests that dishonesty is the second-best policy.
  31. Houdini used a trap door in every show, which suggests it was a stage he was going through.
  32. Animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers
  33. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  34. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
  35. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
  36. A ghost walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a Whiskey. The bartender said, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve spirits in here.”
  37. It was so cold in Manhattan last night that flashers were forced to describe themselves to people.

One line funny quotesPlease share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did any of these one-line funny quotes make you smile?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

4 long funny stories with morals to tell your friends

Long funny stories with moralsHere are four long funny stories with morals to tell your friends. They all made me smile and I hope they brighten your day too:-

1. The nuns’ dilemma:

There were these two very clever, Catholic nuns. They were so clever that one was known only as Sister Mathematical, whilst the other went only by the name of Sister Logical.

One afternoon, they were returning to the Convent of St Mary but they were still a long way off, when it was beginning to get dark.

Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?” said Sister Mathematical, “I wonder what he wants?

There’s a logical explanation,” said Sister Logical, “He wants to have his wicked way with us.

Oh Lord, no!” Sister Mathematical responded. “At the rate at which he’s walking, he will catch up with us 13.8 minutes. What can we do?

The logical thing would be to walk faster.” Sister Logical replied.

So they carried on at a brisk pace, trying not to look back.

A few minutes went by and Sister Mathematical observed, “We’ve doubled our pace but this plan isn’t working.

“Naturally it’s not working,” said Sister Logical, “The man responded logically by quickening his pace too. He’s now gaining on us.

What can we do?” asked Sister Mathematical. “At this rate, he’ll reach us in less than one minute.

The logical thing to do now is to split”, replied Sister Logical. “If we go off in different directions, he can’t follow both of us.

So off they went in different directions and, as it luck would have it, the man followed Sister Logical.

Eventually, Sister Mathematical arrived back at the convent but she was worried about what might have happened to her friend.

Within a few minutes, Sister Logical suddenly appeared, back at the convent.

Oh, Sister Logical”, Sister Mathematical exclaimed. “Thank the Lord, you’re back safely. Tell me what happened.

Well logically, the man could only follow one of us”, said Sister Logical, “and he chose to follow me.

Yes, yes!” said Sister Mathematical, “But what happened then?

Well I took the logical course of action”, said Sister Logical, “and I ran as fast as I could and even faster than we had been running together.

So then what happened?” Sister Mathematical replied.

He responded logically, and he ran even faster too,” said Sister Logical. “And within a minute he’d caught up with me.

Oh, dear Lord!” said Sister Mathematical. “What did you do then?

I did the only logical thing I could do”, Sister Logical replied, “I lifted the skirt of my habit up to my waist.

Oh, dear Lord!” said Sister Mathematical. “And what did he do then?

The logical thing for him”, Sister Logical replied. “He pulled his trousers down to his ankles.

Oh, dear Lord!” said Sister Mathematical. “And what happened next?

Isn’t that logical, Sister?” Sister Logical responded. “A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his trousers down.

Moral of the Story: Readers eagerly anticipating a story of a more adult nature, go and say three Hail Marys!

2. Community service:

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

The barber did an excellent job and, being very pleased with the result, the florist asked for the bill.

There’s no charge today, sir”, said the barber. “I can’t accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.”

The florist appreciated this generous gesture, so he thanked the barber and left the shop.

However, when the barber arrived to open his shop the next morning, there were a dozen roses waiting for him on his doorstep with a Thank You card from the florist.

Not long after the shop’s opened, a cop comes in for a haircut.

Once again, the barber does an excellent job but when the cop tries to settle the bill he gets the same response.

There’s no charge today, sir”, said the barber. “I can’t accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.”

The cop said he appreciated the gesture and thanked the barber. He then left the shop.

However, when the barber arrived to open his shop the next morning, there was a box of a dozen donuts waiting for him on his doorstep with a Thank You card from the cop.

Later that day, a congressman walked in for a haircut.

Once again, the barber excelled himself, producing the perfect haircut, but when the congressman tried to settle the bill he got the same response too.

There’s no charge today, sir”, said the barber. “I can’t accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.”

So the congressman thanked the barber and happily left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open his shop, there were a dozen congressmen lined up in the street waiting for a free haircut.

Moral of the Story: Politicians are driven only by self-interest and what’s in it for them.

Funny jokes to tell your friends3. The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.

The silence was deafening. People were looking at each other with expressions of absolute horror on their faces.

Then suddenly, a man jumps into the water and starts swimming like his life depended on it.

As the other visitors watched events unfold, the man headed for the shore, with a dozen crocodiles chasing in hot pursuit, all anticipating of an unexpected meal.

The crocodiles were fast but the man swam like greased lightning, and he managed to reach the shore unharmed.

As the man staggered up the beach, the owner announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

After receiving the reward, the man and his wife returned to their hotel.

The man’s face was still ashen, as he said to his wife, “I didn’t jump. I was pushed by someone.

His wife smiled and with a wink of her eye, said, “I know dear, it was me!

Moral of the Story: Behind every successful man, there’s always a woman to give him a little push.

The old lady at the bank:

An old lady walked up to the counter in her bank, handed her bank card to the teller and then said, “Mam, I would like to withdraw $10.”

Giving the old lady a look bordering on contempt, the teller replied, “For withdrawals of less than $100 you must use the ATM, mam.

Looking a little crestfallen, the old lady asked why she couldn’t withdraw her money from the counter.

These are the rules, mam,” said the teller irritably, as she returned the bank card to the old lady. “Now move along please because there’s a line of customers behind you.

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, as she gathered her thoughts.

She then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Then please, can you help me withdraw all the money I have in my account?

The teller took the old lady’s card and tapped her details into the computer. She was astonished to see just how much the old lady had in her account.

Mam, you have over $300,000 in your account,” said the teller, “the bank doesn’t have that much cash available today. You’ll need to make an appointment and come back tomorrow?

The old lady smiled and asked, “How much can I withdraw now?

Well mam, you can withdraw up to $3,000”, the teller responded.

In that case, let me have $3,000 now, in $10 bills, please“, said the old lady.

So, the teller laboriously counted out the $3,000 in $10 bills, then counted again, and finally she handed the cash to the old lady.

As the old lady took $10 from the top of the pile and put it in her purse, the teller then said, “Would there be anything else I can help you with today, mam?”

Yes!” said the old lady with a smile, “I’d like to deposit $2990 into my account, please.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with old people, they’ve spent a lifetime mastering skills younger people couldn’t even begin to appreciate.

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So dear reader, were these long funny stories with morals as amusing as you’d hoped? Did they make you laugh?

I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

15 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

Brilliant One-LinersThere’s so much stuff on the Internet and so little time to read it all. We need a laugh but we haven’t got time to read the longer jokes.

Worry not dear reader. Help is at hand. Here are 15 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

They’ll only consume 30 seconds of your time and they’re well worth the effort. And laughter is the best medicine of course. So in the time it takes to take medication, you can have a laugh instead.

Surely that’s a win-win situation? Go on, enjoy them all now.

Brilliant one-liners:

  1. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
  2. The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
  3. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  4. When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.
  5. If a woman wants to scare a man the only question she needs to ask is, “Do you know what day it is today?”
  6. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  7. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.
  8. She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
  9. Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
  10. If photons have mass does that mean they’re Catholic?
  11. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
  12. A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.
  13. You know they’re a real friend when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.
  14. Can you make a water-bed more bouncy by using spring water?
  15. Why is the day you do your housework, laundry, cooking and ironing called a day off?

Brilliant One LinersPlease share with your friends on social media:

So did any of these prove to be the brilliant one-liners you’d hoped for read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

35 one-liners about life that are guaranteed to raise a smile

one-liners about lifeI love one-liners about life. The one I love most has to be the following:-

Life? Don’t talk to me about life!

Older readers may remember that this was the expression made famous by Marvin the Paranoid Android in Douglas Adams’ classic novel, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

I’m sure we’ve all shared Marvin’s sentiment occasionally, when we experience life’s more challenging moments.

However positive we are, life can get the better of us sometimes.

So here are some one-liners about life that are guaranteed to raise a smile or two, as I’m sure at least some of them will resonate with readers.

Life can be absurd at times and it’s difficult on occasions to believe the evidence of our own eyes and ears.

Nevertheless, our aim must be to remain positive and to do that we must learn to laugh at life and ourselves.

Don’t take it all too seriously.

Just laugh as much as you can and that is the perfect counter-balance to Life’s absurdities.

Start now by laughing at all these one-liners which I’ve collected together to amuse and entertain you, dear reader.

One-liners about life:

  1. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  2. Life is a terminal disease.
  3. Youth is wasted on the young.
  4. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
  5. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  6. It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
  7. We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.
  8. Being a hypochondriac could save your life one of these days.
  9. Any room is a panic room if you’ve lost your phone in it.
  10. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  11. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
  12. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  13. I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  14. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  15. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
  16. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
  17. Just because a road’s well-trodden doesn’t mean it leads anywhere worth going.
  18. As soon as you’re doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.
  19. Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism but stealing ideas from many people is research.
  20. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  21. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
  22. You might as well laugh at your problems because everyone else does.
  23. God must love stupid people because he made so many of them.
  24. Dolphins are so smart they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  25. If I was doin’ any better, I’d have to hire someone to help me enjoy it!
  26. Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
  27. How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
  28. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  29. I thought I wanted a career but I realize now that I just wanted a decent income.
  30. Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
  31. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  32. Why is it that most nudists are people you wouldn’t want to see naked?
  33. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.
  34. Smile. Some people will appreciate it others will be irritated by it. Either way you win.
  35. The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.

Polite request:

So dear reader, did any of these one-liners about life make you smile?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

15 funny quotes to gladden your heart

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I love quotes. And I’m always on the lookout for great quotes, and particularly funny quotes.

Many great quotes have influenced my own personal philosophy.

Others have been really useful as a means for reinforcing messages in presentations.

And then there are those that just make me smile.

I’m referring to those funny quotes that resonate with me, whilst offering a germ truth within the underlying wit.

So here are 15 funny quotes to gladden your heart and make you smile.

Enjoy them all. Certainly I did.

Funny Quotes:

  1. In my defence, I was left unsupervised.
  2. I used to think I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure.
  3. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  4. Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
  5. If I won an award for laziness, I’d send someone else to pick it up.
  6. I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
  7. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
  8. The early bird can have the worm, because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.
  9. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
  10. Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
  11. Life has no hands but it can still give you a slap in the face sometimes.
  12. Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then it’s just suspicious.
  13. Having great power is wonderful until you get the electricity bill.
  14. I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you’d like punch in the face.
  15. Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. ~Author Unknown

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39 attitude quotes that take sarcasm to another level

Attitude QuotesIf you like attitude quotes, clever put-downs and sarcasm then you should enjoy this collection today.

39 sarcastic remarks to add to your quiver full of arrows. These are ammunition for use on another day, when someone tries to have a go at you and needs reminding that you’re a person with whom they should not mess, if they know what’s good for them.

Hopefully one or two of these might just give you a good laugh too. Enjoy them all.

Attitude quotes:

  1. I get it. Life’s a soup and I’m a fork.
  2. If your phone doesn’t ring, it’ll be me.
  3. If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.
  4. Just be yourself isn’t always good advice.
  5. What doesn’t kill you can only disappoint me.
  6. The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.
  7. You look like something I drew with my left hand.
  8. If you’re the voice of reason, then we’re in trouble.
  9. If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
  10. Hey, I found your nose again. It was in my business.
  11. If only you ran like your mouth. You’d be in great shape.
  12. You’re such a treasure, why hasn’t someone buried you?
  13. You know, you have one really annoying habit. Breathing.
  14. If I was meant to be controlled, I’d have come with a remote.
  15. I have plenty of terrible ideas. Just let me know if you need any.
  16. I wasn’t being rude. I just said what everyone else was thinking.
  17. May your earholes turn into assholes and shit on your shoulders.
  18. Oh, darling, you should really go out and buy yourself a personality.
  19. I try to see the best in everyone but you’re making it really difficult.
  20. You think you know it all but clearly you don’t know when to shut up.
  21. I’m really sorry if my sense of humour offended your total lack of one.
  22. WIFE to HUSBAND: Sure, I make terrible choices. One of them was you.
  23. I encouraged my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.
  24. I’m not one for revenge but I might arrange for you to have an accident.
  25. Putting on your makeup every day must be hard, with you having two faces.
  26. They call it a selfie because narcissist is too hard for most people to spell.
  27. I can’t help but wonder why someone hasn’t hit you in the face with a shovel yet.
  28. When you spun the wheel of attitude this morning, clearly it landed on bitch again.
  29. I’d love to help you but I don’t even play an active role in my own life anymore.
  30. Roses are red; violets are blue; I’ve got five fingers; the middle one’s for you.
  31. Do I think you’re pretentious? You’d eat worms in a deli if they came with a French name.
  32. There’s someone for everyone and the person for you would have to be a psychiatrist.
  33. Apart from being physically exhausted, financially challenged, overweight and mentally unstable, everything’s going really well. Thanks.
  34. It’s not for me to question your father’s sperm count but, seriously, you were actually the sperm that won?
  35. If I’m smiling, I’m contemplating doing something really bad. If I’m laughing, I’ve already done it.
  36. I don’t have an attitude problem. You may have a problem with my attitude but that’s not a problem for me.
  37. There are trees out there tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe them an apology.
  38. When I was a child, my father told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. It seems, nowadays they call that identity theft.
  39. Let me stop you right there. If it involves early mornings, sweating or dealing with people, then the answer’s No!

Attitude QuotesPlease share this post with your friends:

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If any of these attitude quotes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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25 of the funniest one-liners to make you smile

Funniest One-LinersHere are some of the funniest one-liners I was able to find today. They all made me smile and I hope they brighten your day too.

Unfortunately I was unable to identify the original authors for these inventive and witty lines, so for the moment they are all classified as ‘Author Unknown’.

However should any reader be able to identify specific authors for individual one-liners, then I’d welcome your advice. I am very keen to add acknowledgements and links wherever I can, so please help.

In the meantime take a few minutes to enjoy 25 of the funniest one-liners because everyone needs to laugh whenever possible.

Funniest one-liners:

  1. I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
  2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there; he said he couldn’t complain.
  3. I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Call me playful but scaring men is so easy.
  4. Time may be a great healer but it’s a lousy beautician.
  5. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  6. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
  7. It’s easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  8. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  9. The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
  10. My ideal woman is one who is too naïve to know she’s way out of my league.
  11. She wanted a puppy but I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
  12. My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
  13. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
  14. The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
  15. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
  16. My husband is on the roof. Only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
  17. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road!”
  18. My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
  19. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  20. Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
  21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  22. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
  23. Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
  24. “Doctor, there’s a patient on Line 1 who says he’s invisible.” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
  25. The deeper the pit you’re falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly. 

Funniest One-LinersEnjoyed these one-liners? Please share this post:

So dear reader, were these the funniest one-liners in your opinion? Was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.