25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

witty one-liner jokesIn need of being cheered up a little dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile?

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but should you know then do let me know. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes:

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.
  11. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  12. I’ve no idea why but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  13. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  14. Leave them wanting more is always great advice, unless you work in disaster relief.
  15. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  16. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccoughs.
  17. If we should never eat late at night then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  18. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  19. I read in the newspaper that a semi-colon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  20. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat, I’m living on the wrong planet.
  21. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  22. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  23. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves, and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  24. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  25. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

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