witty one liners Archives

37 one line funny quotes to brighten your day

11/12/2020 by Roy Sutton

One line funny quotes always make me smile. I just love clever wordplay and short, pithy comments. And I always make a note of them in my journal.

So today I’ve pulled together 37 one line funny quotes which I will brighten your day and raise a smile or two. Enjoy them all.

One line funny quotes:

Blunt pencils are pointless.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
The rotation of Earth makes my day.
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
Which shoes do frogs prefer? Open toad sandals.
Why do bees hum? They can’t remember the lyrics!
If you don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
The cost of living might be high but it remains popular.
You can add insult to injury by signing somebody’s cast.
If everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil. It wasn’t 2B.
I used to have an hour-glass figure, but the sand has shifted.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is on my ‘to do’ list.
The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children is enough!
You think you’ve got a handle on life and then you realise it’s broke.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Adam and Eve were the first to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
Does refusing to go to the gym count as a form of resistance training?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It can dissolve marriages, families and careers.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I’ve a hunch, it might be me.
I went to see my physician about my short-term memory problems. He made me pay in advance.
I bought a new pair of gloves and they were both ‘lefts’. Good on the one hand but on the other, just not right.
My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honest I’m not a fan.
I’m sceptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
Do I have a girlfriend? Well, I know a girl who would be really mad if I said I didn’t.
Honesty’s the best policy, which suggests that dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Houdini used a trap door in every show, which suggests it was a stage he was going through.
Animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
A ghost walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a Whiskey. The bartender said, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve spirits in here.”
It was so cold in Manhattan last night that flashers were forced to describe themselves to people.

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So dear reader, did any of these one-line funny quotes make you smile?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

06/13/2020 by Roy Sutton

I love witty quotes from the funniest people and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share some of them with you dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

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Do you agree that these are some of the best witty quotes, dear reader?

You do? I hope so anyway.

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Thank you.

31 funny puns that are very cheesy but very amusing

05/16/2020 by Roy Sutton

Do you like funny puns, dear reader? I hope so because I’ve put together a collection of 31 of them just for you.

Personally I love funny puns and clever wordplay. Witty one-liners like this make me smile every time. Today’s collection is no exception.

I loved them all and I hope you will too. So take a moment, relax and enjoy them.

Funny puns:

Marriage proposals are so engaging.
I had a pizza joke, but it was too cheesy.
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
The invention of the wheel really got things rolling.
Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
What do you call a mean Egyptian ruler? Unpharaoh.
Cleaning mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.
A man was accidentally buried alive. It was a grave mistake.
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite, but I accidentally picked 7 up.
Why did the chicken go to the seance? To cross to the other side.
Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.
Why does it cost so much to put air in tyres these days? Inflation.
The invention of drones has given us a new perspective on things.
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
A physicist and a biologist had a relationship, but there was no chemistry.
The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.
I broke my finger at work today, but on the other hand, everything’s okay.
Police were called to childcare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
I was fired from my job at the keyboard factory for not putting in enough shifts.
I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
Two plates are sitting on a table. One says to the other, “Tonight, dinner is on me.”
If Americans switched from pounds to kilos overnight, there would be mass confusion.
Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
I’m managing my kleptomania pretty well. Whenever it gets bad, I take something for it.
My girlfriend really changed when she became a vegan. It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
My girlfriend says she’s been suffering from migraines for a long time, but I think it’s all in her head.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now when you mention botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

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When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

29 clever puns that’ll make you smile, at least a little

05/15/2020 by Roy Sutton

If you love clever puns then you’ve come to the right place, dear reader. I’ve put together a collection of 29 witty one-liners that will make you smile, at least a little.

Certainly they all made me smile and I’m confident that you’ll enjoy them too.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy them all.

Clever puns:

With great reflexes comes great response-ability.
What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!
How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.
I have a broken barometer that I need to sell. No pressure.
Nuns wear the same outfit every day. Must be a habit, I guess.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up!
If it’s cold, stay close to others. Otherwise you might feel a bit ice-olated.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting.
Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians! Everyone.
To whoever stole my broken bathroom scale, you’ll never get a weigh with it.
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing.
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.
Why are fish the easiest animals to weight? Because they come with their own scales.
I started a business selling yachts in my attic. Sails have gone through the roof.
I wouldn’t let my children go to see the orchestra. There’s too much sax and violins.
I told my wife I felt like a deck of cards and she said she’d deal with me later.
I have a weird talent where I can tell what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail? She got a full sentence.
The Pentagon was originally going to be a square, but the contractor kept cutting corners.
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.
I’m a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Someday I’m going to be awesome.
My partner’s name is David, so we named our son Harley. This way he’s Harley, David’s son.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Did you hear about the thieves who robbed a theatre during a performance? They stole the spotlight.

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So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

35 witty one-liners that are all very corny but they’re fun too

05/14/2020 by Roy Sutton

Do you enjoy witty one-liners dear reader? Well, today I’ve put together another collection of 35 of them just for you.

Yes, they’re all corny puns, that’s true, but they’re fun too and they all made me smile. So I hope they brighten your day as well.

Take a few minutes now to enjoy them all.

Witty one-liners:

The periodic table is elementary knowledge.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners, but cats can.
I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
If you know of any good fish jokes, let minnow.
Spring is here! I’m so excited, I wet my plants.
Puns about menstruation are not funny. Period.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Be kind to dentists because they have fillings too.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch? Tea, Rex?
Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Which way did the programmers go? They went data way!
I’m positive I just lost an electron. Better keep an ion that.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
People tend to study gravity because it’s a pretty attractive field.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
If you use an umbrella, does that mean you’re under the weather?
I heard a joke about a mythical sea monster and it’s still Kraken me up!
After the birth of your first child, your role in life will become apparent.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.
I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends!
I was going to donate part of my stomach, but I didn’t have the guts.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on, but then it just clicked.
Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
I’m working on a machine that can read minds. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
Did you see the headlines this morning? “Man in boxers leads police on brief chase”.
Apple is designing a new automatic car, but they’re having trouble installing Windows!
I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares.
I was on the toilet, angry and late for work. I thought to myself, “I don’t have time for this sh*t.”
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presents.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat. In the end, he came around.
I got a pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts. On the one hand, it’s great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

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So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

25 corny puns that’ll make you smile or make you cringe

04/30/2020 by Roy Sutton

Do you like corny puns dear reader? I hope so because I’ve pulled together 25 of them for you. They’ll make you smile or make you cringe but either way I’m sure you’ll appreciate the clever wordplay.

So sit back and take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

Corny Puns:

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

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So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

27 corny but funny puns to raise a smile or two

04/28/2020 by Roy Sutton

If you like funny puns then I’ve put together a batch of very corny ones in the hope it will raise a smile or two. They all made me smile but for me the cornier the pun the better.

I hope you enjoy them all dear reader.

Funny puns:

Odorless chemicals just don’t make scents.
I love how the Earth rotates. It really makes my day.
I was working in a glue factory, but I couldn’t stick with it.
Surely writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
I was inconsolable when my PlayStation was stolen.
Our office defibrillator didn’t work. Nobody was shocked.
I googled “how to start a fire” and got 869,000 matches.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
I used to be a history teacher, but there’s no future in it.
How’s my long-distance relationship going? So far, so good.
I canceled my gym membership because it wasn’t working out.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
I felt lonely, so I bought some shares. It’s nicer to have some company.
If you’re thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet.
To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
I sued the airport for mislaying my baggage, but I lost my case.
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator, and only a fraction of people will find that funny.
I get really claustrophobic in elevators, so I’ve started taking steps to avoid it.
Tennis players have a hard time in relationships because love means nothing to them.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
A rubber band slingshot was confiscated in an algebra class for being a weapon of math disruption.
What’s the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
The thing about shopping centers is that once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen a mall.
My housemate told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went out and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse replied “No change yet.”

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So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

25 funny quotes about life guaranteed to make you smile

04/27/2020 by Roy Sutton

Today I’m in a philosophical mood, so I thought I’d explore some funny quotes about life. This batch all made me smile and they’re guaranteed to make you smile too.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny quotes about life:

A wise man once said nothing.
Life’s like ice cream. You must enjoy it before it melts.
Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.
Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I made a large ‘to list’ for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it all.
Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is.
You need three bones to succeed in life. A backbone, a wishbone, and a funny bone.
Life’s hard but it’s even harder if you’re stupid.
Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes.
Life can be summed up in three words. It goes on.
Stressed spelled backward is desserts. Coincidence? I think not.
Life can be a handful. That’s why you’ve got two hands.
Revenge sounds so mean. Better just to think of it as returning the favor.
Life was easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
There are three things a woman needs in life. Food, water, and compliments.
Life’s short. Smile while you still have teeth.
You may call them swear words but to me they’re just sentence enhancers.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never seem to use it.
They say you attract what you fear. Well $10 million scares the life out of me.
You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
You never know how much you’ve got in life, until you decide to de-clutter your house.
Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
Dear life, when I said, “Can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts. When I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night I’m more open-minded.

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So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

33 witty one liners that will really tickle you

04/24/2020 by Roy Sutton

Would you like a few witty one liners to brighten your day dear reader?

Well I’ve got an excellent selection for you today.

Once again I’ve been trawling my journals to put together a collection of witty one liners that I’m confident you’ll enjoy.

These have been collected over time and I can’t be sure who the originators were, so I can’t provide an acknowledgement. However should anyone know then please do let me know.

Anyway, enjoy them all and do share them with your friends.

Witty one liners:

Bad puns? That’s how eye roll.
My patience has stretch marks.
If you need an ark, I Noah guy.
Is a Will defined as a dead giveaway?
Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at!
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up.
How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
I wanted to grow herbs but I couldn’t find the thyme.
Simba was walking too slowly so I told him to Mufasa.
I used to sell computer parts but then I lost my drive.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
Gravity jokes are getting old but I fall for them every time.
Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? She’d mislaid them.
Do people who climb the world’s highest mountain ever rest?
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
I tried to make a belt out of watches but it was a waist of time.
If a priest blesses an avocado does it become Holy Guacamole?
I used to be a transplant surgeon but my heart just wasn’t in it.
Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.
England doesn’t have a kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
I was going to look for my missing watch but I couldn’t find the time.
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes in France. Nothing left but de Brie!
Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

37 one line funny quotes to brighten your day

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