25 funny quotes about life guaranteed to make you smile

04/05/2021 by

funny quotes about lifeToday I’m in a philosophical mood, so I thought I’d explore some funny quotes about life. This batch all made me smile and they’re guaranteed to make you smile too.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny quotes about life:

  1. A wise man once said nothing.
  2. Life’s like ice cream. You must enjoy it before it melts.
  3. Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.
  4. Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
  5. I made a large ‘to list’ for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it all.
  6. Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
  7. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is.
  8. You need three bones to succeed in life. A backbone, a wishbone, and a funny bone.
  9. Life’s hard but it’s even harder if you’re stupid.
  10. Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes.
  11. Life can be summed up in three words. It goes on.
  12. Stressed spelled backward is desserts. Coincidence? I think not.
  13. Life can be a handful. That’s why you’ve got two hands.
  14. Revenge sounds so mean. Better just to think of it as returning the favor.
  15. Life was easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
  16. There are three things a woman needs in life. Food, water, and compliments.
  17. Life’s short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  18. You may call them swear words but to me they’re just sentence enhancers.
  19. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never seem to use it.
  20. They say you attract what you fear. Well $10 million scares the life out of me.
  21. You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
  22. You never know how much you’ve got in life, until you decide to de-clutter your house.
  23. Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
  24. Dear life, when I said, “Can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
  25. During the day I don’t believe in ghosts. When I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night I’m more open-minded.

funny quotes about lifePlease share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these funny quotes about life, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

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22 Murrayisms to make Murray Walker fans smile

03/23/2021 by

MurrayismsIf you’re wondering what Murrayisms are then perhaps you’re not familiar with the late, legendary, Formula One commentator Murray Walker.

Murrayisms were amusing, and often factually incorrect quips that Murray Walker would say as he got carried away by his own enthusiasm and excitement during an F1 race.

For motorsport fans everywhere, they added to the entertainment and endeared Murray to their hearts. His enthusiasm was genuinely infectious and the fans loved him for it.

Graeme Murray Walker OBE was a British motorsport commentator, journalist and former advertising executive. He provided television commentary of live Formula One racing in a broadcasting career spanning over 50 years. And his way with words helped to earn him his status as a national treasure in Britain.

So here are 22 Murrayisms for your pleasure and entertainment. Enjoy them all.

Murrayisms

Murrayisms (1 – 11):

  1. And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.
  2. Either the car is stationary, or it’s on the move.
  3. With half the race gone, there’s half the race still to go.
  4. There’s nothing wrong with the car except that it’s on fire.
  5. Anything can happen in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does.
  6. You might think that’s cricket and it’s not, it’s motor racing.
  7. That’s history. I say history because it happened in the past.
  8. I can’t believe what’s happening visually, in front of my eyes.
  9. He can’t decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.
  10. The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.
  11. If is a very long word in Formula One. In fact IF is F1 spelled backwards.

Murrayisms

Murrayisms (11 – 22):

  1. And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One racing.
  2. Motor racing can never be totally safe and it never should be in my opinion.
  3. I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable.
  4. I’ve not idea what Eddie Irvine’s orders are, but he’s following them superlatively well.
  5. I don’t make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.
  6. This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
  7. Well, now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.
  8. Schumacher wouldn’t have let him past voluntarily. Of course he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it.
  9. There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today and four of them are Michael Schumacher.
  10. Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium, and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world.
  11. Now he must not go the wrong way round the circuit, and unless he can spin himself stationary through 360 degrees I fail to see how he can avoid doing so.

Please share this post with your friends:

If you’re a motorsport fan and you enjoyed these Murrayisms then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that can be your good deed for the day.

And if you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

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25 of the silliest jokes ever that’ll tickle your funny bone

02/25/2021 by

silliest jokes everIf you like short, witty one-line jokes, dear reader, then today I offer you some of the silliest jokes ever.

Yes, they are corny but they’ll tickle your funny bone I’m sure. Children will enjoy them too.

So please feel free to share them all, but not before you’ve taken a few minutes to relax and have a laugh or two.

Silliest jokes ever:

  1. What type of trees do plumbers plant? Toiletries.
  2. How do horses propose? They go down on bended neigh.
  3. Who do you call if a parrot falls off his perch? Parrot-medics.
  4. Why did the monkey logon online? To send a chimpanzee-mail.
  5. What happens to ducks before they grow up? They grow down.
  6. Is it legal to marry a widow’s husband? No, because he’s dead.
  7. What would a monster choose to eat in a restaurant? The waiter.
  8. Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they’ve got two left feet.
  9. Why do bears have fur coats? Because they’d look silly in anoraks.
  10. What’s the definition of an arms race? An octopus running for a bus.
  11. Why are barbers, such good drivers? Because they know all the shortcuts.
  12. What’s a man’s idea of a romantic night out? A candlelit football stadium.
  13. Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both it would fall over.
  14. Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? She wanted to post a litter.
  15. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how it all works.
  16. Why did the mathematician turn off his heating? So he could be cold and calculating.
  17. How does a man show he’s planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
  18. A neutron walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender responded, “For you, no charge!”
  19. What did the vampire say just before dawn, when he saw the neck of a sleeping man? “Aaahh, breakfast in bed!”
  20. What did Hamlet say when he went camping and lost his tent? “Tepee or not tepee? That is the question.”
  21. Two fleas are leaving a restaurant and one says to the other, “Should we walk or take a dog?”
  22. Did you hear about the dog that liked to eat garlic? His bark was worse than his bite.
  23. Two large, hungry lions were wandering around Walmart and one said to the other, “It’s quiet in here, isn’t it?”
  24. What’s the difference between a New York Yankees fan and a dentist? One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.
  25. A man walks into a bar carrying three wooden panels and four wooden posts. “You can’t bring those in here,” said the bartender. “They may cause a fence.”

Please share this post:

So, would you agree that these are some of the silliest jokes ever, dear reader? Did you enjoy them, and more importantly, did they make you laugh? I hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on some of the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

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37 corny but funny puns to brighten your day

02/12/2021 by

Funny PunsDo you enjoy funny puns, dear reader? Those wordplay jokes and one-liners that just make you smile, regardless of how corny they may be.

I love clever wordplay, so I’ve curated another batch in the hope that they’ll brighten your day. You might groan at one or two, but I’m confident that some of them will tickle you.

So enjoy them and please share them with your friends.

Funny Puns (1-12):

  1. He who laughs last didn’t get it.
  2. Eat doughnuts. The original hole food.
  3. Frog parking only. All others will be toad.
  4. Dental X-rays should be called tooth pics.
  5. Mountains aren’t funny. They’re hill areas.
  6. I have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
  7. Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners but CATscan.
  8. Due to quarantine, I’m only doing inside jokes.
  9. Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
  10. I was mugged by six dwarves today. Not Happy!
  11. What happens if you’re scared half to death, twice?
  12. My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

Funny Puns (13-24):

  1. I’m so terrified of elevators I take steps to avoid them.
  2. We saw a baguette in the zoo. It was bread in captivity.
  3. If you suck at playing the trumpet, that’s probably why.
  4. If I stole someone’s coffee, would I be guilty of mugging?
  5. I’m searching for fish jokes. If you have any, let minnow.
  6. Plagiarism is getting in trouble for something you didn’t do.
  7. If you’re buying smart water for $5 a bottle, it isn’t working.
  8. I’ve quit my job on the coffee plantation. Bean there, done that.
  9. My wife said the tea I made was terrible. Her criticism was brewtal.
  10. I held the door open for a clown, which I thought was a nice jester.
  11. The problem with political jokes is that sometimes they get elected.
  12. It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty but he had a great fall.

Funny Puns (25-37):

  1. If you’re cold, sit in the corner, it’s 90 degrees. Now that’s acute joke.
  2. The inventor of the knock-knock joke has been awarded a no-bell prize.
  3. In the frosty field, the cows are Friesian. Stop me if you’ve herd this one.
  4. I’m having my hair done today by a Jamaican hairdresser. I’m dreading it.
  5. If a wife denies her husband his morning coffee, is that grounds for divorce.
  6. When you’re swimming in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a Moray.
  7. Never, ever do anything you wouldn’t want to have to explain to paramedics.
  8. My husband left me to become an astronaut. He said I didn’t give him enough space.
  9. Singing in the shower is fun until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
  10. At Medical School, I considered specialising in proctology until I realised it was a bum job.
  11. Restaurant diner’s in hospital, having been served horse meat. Doctor says he’s in a stable condition.
  12. The guy told me he was a wealthy businessman. Turns out he was just an electrician. I was shocked.
  13. ME: Why are all the cakes 50 cents, except that one which is a dollar? BAKER: That’s Madeira cake.

Funny PunsPlease share this post:

So did these funny puns prove to be as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes, Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

33 Corny puns and funny jokes to cheer someone up

02/10/2021 by

funny jokes to cheer someone upWe live in difficult times and we all face so many pressures. When our friends are down we try to lift their spirits. And for that it helps if we have a few Corny puns and funny jokes to cheer someone up.

Well today, I’ve curated another 33 gems just for you, dear reader.

At least I think their gems. So I hope they’ll make you laugh too. You might mind some of them a bit too corny but a few of them might just tickle you.

Enjoy them and don’t forget to share them too.

Funny jokes to cheer someone up: (1-11)

  1. Nothing tops plain pizza.
  2. A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
  3. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
  4. Seven days of fasting will make one weak.
  5. What do you call a hippy’s wife? Mississippi.
  6. I tried eating a clock but it was time-consuming.
  7. I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.
  8. Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
  9. I was never a fan of San Andreas. It’s not my fault.
  10. Dead batteries cost nothing. They’re free of charge.
  11. The girl in the middle of the tennis court is Annette.

Funny jokes to cheer someone up: (12-22)

  1. Ask yourself if it’s wise to eat at Sam and Ella’s diner?
  2. Cemetery raises prices and blames it on cost of living.
  3. I will start collecting highlighting pens. Mark my words.
  4. I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
  5. My dogs are called Rolex and Breitling. They’re watchdogs.
  6. What does the pizza man use to cut his hair? Little Caesars.
  7. I pulled a muscle digging for gold. It was just a miner injury.
  8. What do you call a cow that can’t give milk? An udder failure.
  9. Water’s heavier than Butane because Butane is a Lighter fluid.
  10. When a wolf is taught to meditate, does it become aware wolf?
  11. I started an online bakery but I accidentally deleted all my cookies.

Funny jokes to cheer someone up: (23-33)

  1. Lego store re-opens after lockdown. People stand in line for blocks.
  2. Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? Because it lifts their spirits.
  3. My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
  4. I’m reading a book called “Quick Money for Dummies” by Robin Banks.
  5. I wanted a career as a fisherman, but I couldn’t live on the net income.
  6. If you wear a facemask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.
  7. Beauty School student misses classes. She’s forced to make up the makeup test.
  8. If two meth-heads start a relationship are they “speed dating” or just “mething around”.
  9. My wife said she’d leave me if I made up any more puns about The Monkees. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face …..
  10. DOCTOR: Nurse, what’s the status on the boy who swallowed a coin? NURSE: Still no change, Doctor.
  11. Dear Algebra, Please stop asking me to find your X. She’s not coming back and don’t ask Y.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these corny puns and funny jokes to cheer someone up? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes, Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up

02/09/2021 by

jokes to cheer someone upToday I offer you 25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up. If you know someone in serious need of a smile or two then some of these might just make them laugh.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all and then pick the best ones and see if you can get a good laugh from your friends.

Even if it’s only a groan you get in return, it will probably lift peoples’ spirits, at the very least.

Jokes to cheer someone up: (1 – 12)

  1. If at first you don’t succeed then don’t try skydiving.
  2. If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?
  3. I never like taking selfies of myself in the shower. The photos turn out blurry and I have selfie steam issues.
  4. You should keep your voice down in cornfields because there are so many ears.
  5. I used to be a watchmaker. I loved the job because I made my own hours.
  6. If your guy doesn’t like fresh fruit puns, let the mango.
  7. I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.
  8. Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen.
  9. I tried the Vegan diet for a week but it was a huge miss steak.
  10. Apparently you can’t use BEEFSTEW as a password because it’s not Stroganoff.
  11. I was listening to classical music on the television but it wasn’t to my taste. Far too much sax and violins.
  12. Did you hear about the watchmaker who became a gardener? He ended up with too much thyme on his hands.

Jokes to cheer someone up: (13 – 25)

  1. I made a movie about diarrhoea. It’s been released everywhere.
  2. Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars were all in the same bar. They didn’t planet that way.
  3. You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish. Unless you play bass, then you can play all the scales.
  4. So many people are anti-vaccination but I think they should give it a shot.
  5. I saw an advert in the newspaper for burial plots. I thought that’s the last thing I need.
  6. My girlfriend bet me $100 that I couldn’t build a car from spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
  7. I went to Mount Rushmore and I was probably the only visitor unimpressed. I just took it for granite.
  8. Can someone recommend a better way of clearing frost from my windshield? I used a discount card but I only got 20% off.
  9. My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl. “I didn’t know he could!” was my reply.
  10. A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun. I was told that he’s fully recovered now.
  11. My wife’s in hospital after eating a daffodil bulb. She’ll be out in the spring.
  12. Lance is no longer a common name but in medieval times, men were named Lance a lot.
  13. There’s a new GPS device designed for seniors. It tells you how to get where you want to go and then reminds you why you wanted to go there.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes, Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

01/05/2021 by

witty one-liner jokesIn need of being cheered up a little dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile?

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but should you know then do let me know. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes:

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.
  11. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  12. I’ve no idea why but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  13. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  14. Leave them wanting more is always great advice, unless you work in disaster relief.
  15. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  16. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccoughs.
  17. If we should never eat late at night then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  18. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  19. I read in the newspaper that a semi-colon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  20. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat, I’m living on the wrong planet.
  21. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  22. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  23. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves, and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  24. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  25. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it? Did any of these witty one-liner jokes make you smile?

If you did enjoy this article then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy witty one-liner jokes, so please share this post now.

If you could share this post then I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find interesting:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Quotes, Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

50 funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts

11/25/2020 by

funny birthday wishes for friendsDear reader, are you looking for some ideas for witty and funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts?

Well here are 50 suggestions which might just amuse you, as well as help you produce a memorable gem to tease your best friend on his or her birthday card.

Enjoy them all.

25 funny birthday wishes for friends:

  1. Birthdays are just nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.
  2. May your hair dye and mascara never run! Happy Birthday, old girl!
  3. I’m not obsessed with age but I really can’t believe how old you are.
  4. Age is just a number. In your case, a very large number, dear friend.
  5. You’re as old as you are dear to me. And you’re very, very dear to me.
  6. The mirror doesn’t lie, and at your age, you’re lucky it doesn’t laugh either.
  7. Dearest friend, I hope you get 100 birthday cards today! To match your age!
  8. I wouldn’t say you’re old but even Keith Richards looks younger than you.
  9. Happy Birthday, friend! Age is not a big deal. Not to me but then I’m still young.
  10. Best wishes to a dear friend, who can tell me when bread was only five cents a loaf.
  11. Your birthday only comes once a year but the wrinkles it brings will last a lifetime.
  12. When you’re as old as you, there’s always cosmetic surgery. It’ll be a big job though.
  13. Looking at you fills me with hope, that one day I might live to be as old as you are today.
  14. Best wishes to a woman who’s been thirty for more years than either of us can remember.
  15. You’re as old as you feel, and I’m guessing you’re feeling very, very old today. Happy Birthday!
  16. You’re how old? OMG, that’s dead in doggy years! Be glad you’re not a dog. Happy Birthday!
  17. Today, girl, there are things we can all marvel at. Like the length of time that you’ve been on this planet. Truly amazing!
  18. I looked at today’s date and I realized it was your birthday, dearest friend! Then I thought about the year you were born! I’m surprised you’re still mobile and have all your own teeth.
  19. Today, dearest friend, you have made me so grateful for something … that I’m not as old as you!
  20. Before there were maps, people used the stars to guide them. I’d love to hear your stories about the challenges of getting around when you were young. Happy Birthday!
  21. Dearest friend, it’s so special to know someone who was around when the pyramids were being built. Happy Birthday!
  22. As the years pass, you might ache a little more. But that’s only because you’re getting old! Happy Birthday.
  23. As your friend, I’m here to remind you of things that are important in life. Like ‘Are you sure you’re putting away enough money your retirement?’
  24. Dearest friend, remember you should count your blessings, not your years. Well, you don’t really have enough time left to count all your years!
  25. I know you’re downhearted about your age this year, but worry not. Your best mate will be there to help you blow out all the candles on your cake, so you can feel like a kid again!

funny birthday wishes for friendsAnother 25 funny birthday wishes for friends:

  1. I wouldn’t call you ancient, but it’s a privilege to know someone who was involved with the construction of Stonehenge! Happy Birthday!
  2. Happy Birthday to the woman who has it all! Hearing loss, cataracts, hypertension, back pain and osteoarthritis to name but a few. Still, it’s your birthday, so enjoy!
  3. You’re a woman whose very presence makes others happy. Thanks for reminding us that we’re not as old as you. Happy Birthday!
  4. Sometimes, I feel like you’ve been around forever! That’s probably because you have! Happy Birthday!
  5. As someone who’s been around since before the age of electricity, you’ve kept yourself in good shape. Well, round is still a shape. Happy Birthday!
  6. Everyone thinks you’re really young, dearest friend, but only because you lie about your age. Happy Birthday!
  7. Here’s to the years that you’ve been alive, there’s been so many yet you still survive. Incredible, when you think about it.
  8. On your birthday, people often will tell you that you’re still a young man. Don’t believe them, they’re liars!
  9. Don’t think of yourself as old today. You just have a lot more experience of life than most people.
  10. Your beard is grey and your hairline’s disappeared below the horizon but, on the upside, there’ll be cake today.
  11. May your birthday be filled with joy and a glass or two of wine. Well, if there’s wine I’m sure that’ll be good enough
  12. Best wishes to a woman who thinks she’s still young, but isn’t. However your embrace of delusion is impressive.
  13. Facing another birthday, you might fear becoming an old man. Well, you needn’t worry because you’ve been an old man for years now.
  14. Happy Birthday to a man who has witnessed first-hand so many great things! Like the invention of the steam engine.
  15. I was going to make a joke about your age, but that would be a bit cruel, wouldn’t it? Happy Birthday!
  16. They say memory fades as you get older. So, I’m guessing now you probably don’t remember life as it was when dinosaurs roamed the earth.
  17. Honey, today on your birthday you don’t need to lift a finger. Don’t worry about the messy house or the dishes. I don’t mind. You can deal with them tomorrow. Happy Birthday!
  18. You never seem to age, so let me remind you how old you really are: you’re old enough to drink, young enough to get pregnant, and just the right age to make something of yourself. So by all means, hurry up before it’s too late! Oh, and many happy returns.
  19. I’d have put candles on your cake but there would have been so many that the carbon footprint would have breached the UNFCCC Paris Climate Accord.
  20. 40’s the old age of youth and 50’s the youth of old age. However, I’ve no idea what your age represents.
  21. Happy Birthday to you. I hope you enjoy your day as much as I’ll enjoy eating free cake and ice cream.
  22. I’m not saying you’re old but the songs on your iPhone are too old even for the GOLDEN OLDIES station to play.
  23. Happy Birthday to someone who’s getting more valuable and better with age. Oh wait-a-minute, that’s wine. Happy Birthday to someone who’s just getting old!
  24. I know you’re not thirty, flirty and thriving but hey, you’re still driving! That’s not bad for someone of your age.
  25. Happy Birthday to someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming. No hang on a minute, I meant from someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming.

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Were these funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gift amusing? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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37 one line funny quotes to brighten your day

11/12/2020 by

One line funny quotesOne line funny quotes always make me smile. I just love clever wordplay and short, pithy comments. And I always make a note of them in my journal.

So today I’ve pulled together 37 one line funny quotes which I will brighten your day and raise a smile or two. Enjoy them all.

One line funny quotes:

  1. Blunt pencils are pointless.
  2. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  3. The rotation of Earth makes my day.
  4. Did Noah include termites on the ark?
  5. To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
  6. Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.
  7. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
  8. Which shoes do frogs prefer? Open toad sandals.
  9. Why do bees hum? They can’t remember the lyrics!
  10. If you don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
  11. The cost of living might be high but it remains popular.
  12. You can add insult to injury by signing somebody’s cast.
  13. If everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  14. I failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil. It wasn’t 2B. 
  15. I used to have an hour-glass figure, but the sand has shifted.
  16. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is on my ‘to do’ list.
  17. The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
  18. Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children is enough!
  19. You think you’ve got a handle on life and then you realise it’s broke.
  20. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  21. Adam and Eve were the first to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
  22. Does refusing to go to the gym count as a form of resistance training?
  23. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It can dissolve marriages, families and careers.
  24. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I’ve a hunch, it might be me.
  25. I went to see my physician about my short-term memory problems. He made me pay in advance.
  26. I bought a new pair of gloves and they were both ‘lefts’. Good on the one hand but on the other, just not right.
  27. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honest I’m not a fan.
  28. I’m sceptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
  29. Do I have a girlfriend? Well, I know a girl who would be really mad if I said I didn’t.
  30. Honesty’s the best policy, which suggests that dishonesty is the second-best policy.
  31. Houdini used a trap door in every show, which suggests it was a stage he was going through.
  32. Animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers
  33. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  34. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
  35. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
  36. A ghost walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a Whiskey. The bartender said, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve spirits in here.”
  37. It was so cold in Manhattan last night that flashers were forced to describe themselves to people.

One line funny quotesPlease share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did any of these one-line funny quotes make you smile?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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Thank you.

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35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

06/13/2020 by

Witty quotes I love witty quotes from the funniest people and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share some of them with you dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  6. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

Please share this post with your friends:

Do you agree that these are some of the best witty quotes, dear reader?

You do? I hope so anyway.

If you did enjoy them then please, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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