37 one line funny quotes to brighten your day

04/04/2025 by

One line funny quotes always make me smile. I just love clever wordplay and short, pithy comments. And I always make a note of them in my journal.

So today I’ve pulled together 37 one line funny quotes, which I hope will brighten your day and raise a smile or two.

Enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Pass on the smiles, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

ONE LINE FUNNY QUOTES
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One line funny quotes (1 – 21):

  1. Blunt pencils are pointless.
  2. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  3. The rotation of the Earth makes my day.
  4. Did Noah include termites on the ark?
  5. To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
  6. Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.
  7. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
  8. Which shoes do frogs prefer? Open toad sandals.
  9. Why do bees hum? They can’t remember the lyrics!
  10. If you don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
  11. The cost of living might be high but it remains popular.
  12. You can add insult to injury by signing somebody’s cast.
  13. If everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  14. I failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil. It wasn’t 2B. 
  15. I used to have an hourglass figure, but the sand has shifted.
  16. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is on my to-do list.
  17. The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
  18. Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children are enough!
  19. You think you’ve got a handle on life and then you realise it’s broken.
  20. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  21. Adam and Eve were the first to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

One line funny quotes (22 – 37):

  1. Does refusing to go to the gym count as a form of resistance training?
  2. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It can dissolve marriages, families and careers.
  3. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
  4. I went to see my physician about my short-term memory problems. He made me pay in advance.
  5. I bought a new pair of gloves and they were both ‘lefts’. Good on the one hand but on the other, just not right.
  6. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly, I’m not a fan.
  7. I’m sceptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
  8. Do I have a girlfriend? Well, I know a girl who would be really mad if I said I didn’t.
  9. Honesty’s the best policy, which suggests that dishonesty is the second-best policy.
  10. Houdini used a trap door in every show, which suggests it was a stage he was going through.
  11. Animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers
  12. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  13. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
  14. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
  15. A ghost walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a Whiskey. The bartender said, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve spirits in here.”
  16. It was so cold in Manhattan last night that flashers were forced to describe themselves to people.

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, did any of these one line funny quotes make you smile?

I hope so. However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here, then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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35 of the best one-liners ever. You’ll love them all

03/29/2025 by

Today I offer you some of the best one-liners ever. Well, they are, in my opinion, at least.

I love a great one-liner, and these are all brilliant. They’re amusing, sharp, and very witty. I hope at least one or two of them will brighten your day.

So take a couple of minutes and enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

Best one-liners ever (1-12)

Am I indecisive? I’m not sure.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A clean house suggests there’s no WiFi.

Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

I started with nothing, and I’ve still got most of it.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic.

You say you’re a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe you.

Since I had my neck brace fitted I’ve never looked back.

Best one-liners ever (13-24)

A liberal is just a conservative who hasn’t been mugged yet.

Yeah? You and whose army?

What did your last slave die of?

Yes, I’ve had a good time, but this wasn’t it.

If I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

You look like you’ve found a dime and lost a dollar.

Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.

My life’s as good as anyone’s if their life’s truly awful.

Keep looking like that and your face will stay that way.

Well, you certainly look like you’ve got the face you deserve.

Am I looking at you? Why? Do I look like I’ve got nothing better to do?

With a face like that, you must have done something terrible in a previous life.

Best one-liners ever (25-35)

Don’t be a fool all your life, take five minutes off and give the rest of us a break.

Drive like an idiot and it won’t be long before you’ll meet another idiot heading in the other direction.

Your face and voice suggest your career options will be limited to those things you can do well with your hands.

You shouldn’t laugh at your wife’s choices because you’re one of them.

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon fails to return home, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving unless it’s something you plan to do more than once.

I love to hold hands at the movies but for some reason, strangers sitting next to me never seem that keen.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you’ll look forward to the trip.

Is it true that the security guys at the Samsung Store are known as Guardians of the Galaxy?

You know they’re your friends when you walk into their home, and you connect to the WiFi automatically.

The absurdity of the sexual act is God’s way of reminding us that he does have a sense of humor.

Enjoyed these one-liners? 

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you can put a smile on someone else’s face, you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, and please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you.

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33 Corny puns and funny jokes to cheer someone up

03/12/2025 by

If you’re looking for funny jokes to cheer someone up, this post is for you.

We live in difficult times, and we all face so many pressures. When our friends are down, we try to lift their spirits. And for that, it helps if we have a few corny puns and funny jokes to cheer someone up.

Well, today, I’ve curated another 33 gems just for you, dear reader.

At least I think they’re gems. So I hope they’ll make you laugh too. Some might be a bit too corny, but I’m confident some will tickle you.

Enjoy them and don’t forget to share them too.

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Funny jokes to cheer someone up: (1-11)

Nothing tops plain pizza.

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

Seven days of fasting will make one weak.

What do you call a hippy’s wife? Mississippi.

I tried eating a clock, but it was time-consuming.

I wanted to be a monk, but I never got the chants.

Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

I was never a fan of San Andreas. It’s not my fault.

Dead batteries cost nothing. They’re free of charge.

The girl in the middle of the tennis court is Annette.

Funny jokes to cheer someone up: (12-22)

Ask yourself if it’s wise to eat at Sam and Ella’s diner?

Cemetery raises prices and blames it on the cost of living.

I will start collecting highlighting pens. Mark my words.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

My dogs are called Rolex and Breitling. They’re watchdogs.

What does the pizza man use to cut his hair? Little Caesars.

I pulled a muscle digging for gold. It was just a miner injury.

What do you call a cow that can’t give milk? An udder failure.

Water’s heavier than Butane because Butane is a Lighter fluid.

When a wolf is taught to meditate, does it become aware wolf?

I started an online bakery but I accidentally deleted all my cookies.

Funny jokes to cheer someone up: (23-33)

Lego store re-opens after lockdown. People stand in line for blocks.

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? Because it lifts their spirits.

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

I’m reading a book called “Quick Money for Dummies” by Robin Banks.

I wanted a career as a fisherman, but I couldn’t live on the net income.

If you wear a facemask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.

Beauty School student misses classes. She’s forced to make up the makeup test.

If two meth-heads start a relationship are they “speed dating” or just “mething around”.

My wife said she’d leave me if I made up any more puns about The Monkees. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face …..

DOCTOR: Nurse, what’s the status on the boy who swallowed a coin? NURSE: Still no change, Doctor.

Dear Algebra, Please stop asking me to find your X. She’s not coming back and don’t ask Y.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these corny puns and funny jokes to cheer someone up? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case, please share this blog post with your friends, because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me, I will be forever grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up

02/05/2025 by

Today I offer you 25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up. If you know someone in serious need of a smile or two, then some of these might just make them laugh.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all, and then pick the best ones and see if you can get a good laugh from your friends.

Even if it’s only a groan you get in return, it will probably lift people’s spirits, at the very least.

Jokes to cheer someone up: (1 – 12)

If at first you don’t succeed, then don’t try skydiving.

If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?

I never like taking selfies of myself in the shower. The photos turn out blurry, and I have selfie steam issues.

You should keep your voice down in cornfields because there are so many ears.

I used to be a watchmaker. I loved the job because I made my own hours.

If your guy doesn’t like fresh fruit puns, let the mango.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.

Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen.

I tried the vegan diet for a week, but it was a huge miss steak.

Apparently, you can’t use BEEFSTEW as a password because it’s not Stroganoff.

I was listening to classical music on the television, but it wasn’t to my taste. Far too much sax and violins.

Did you hear about the watchmaker who became a gardener? He ended up with too much thyme on his hands.

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Jokes to cheer someone up: (13 – 25)

I made a movie about diarrhea. It’s been released everywhere.

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars were all in the same bar. They didn’t planet that way.

You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. Unless you play bass, then you can play all the scales.

So many people are anti-vaccination, but I think they should give it a shot.

I saw an advertisement in the newspaper for burial plots. I thought that’s the last thing I need.

My girlfriend bet me $100 that I couldn’t build a car from spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

I went to Mount Rushmore and I was probably the only visitor unimpressed. Perhaps I just took it for granite.

Can someone recommend a better way of clearing frost from my windshield? I used a discount card but I only got 20% off.

My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl. “I didn’t know he could!” was my reply.

A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun. I was told that he’s fully recovered now.

My wife’s in the hospital after eating a daffodil bulb. She’ll be out in the spring.

Lance is no longer a common name, but in medieval times, men were named Lance a lot.

There’s a new GPS device designed for seniors. It tells you how to get where you want to go and then reminds you why you wanted to go there.

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Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case, then please share this blog post with your friends, because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

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25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

01/22/2025 by

If you’re looking for some brilliant one-liners, dear reader, I have some gems for you today.

There’s so much on the Internet and so little time to read it all. And what we all need is a good laugh. The problem is that we haven’t got time to read all the longer jokes.

Worry not. Help is at hand. Here are 25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Certainly, they all made me smile.

They’ll only consume 30 seconds of your time, and they’re well worth the effort.

And of course, laughter is the best medicine. So rather than take medication, you can have a good laugh instead.

Surely that’s a win-win situation? Go on, enjoy them all now.

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Brilliant one-liners (1-10):

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

If photons have mass does that mean they’re Catholic?

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

If I had a dollar for every smart person I know I’d be broke.

A liberal is just a conservative who hasn’t been mugged yet.

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Brilliant one-liners (11-20):

I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.

Can you increase the bounciness of a waterbed by using spring water?

If you can’t beat them, you could always arrange to have them beaten.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

I saw a sign that said, “Watch for Children,” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So, we compromised and got a puppy.

Why is the day you do your housework, laundry, cooking, and ironing called a day off?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.

Brilliant one-liners (21-25):

You know they’re a real friend when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.

I’m great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If a woman wants to scare a man, the only question she needs to ask is, “Do you know what day it is today?”

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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Please share with your friends:

So did any of these prove to be the brilliant one-liners you’d hoped for, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

Brilliant one-liners

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25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

11/28/2024 by

In need of being cheered up a little, dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile.

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months, and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but if you know, please let me know via the contact page. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes (1-10):

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke, then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.

Witty one-liner jokes (11-20):

  1. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  2. I’ve no idea why, but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  3. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  4. Leave them wanting more is always great advice unless you work in disaster relief.
  5. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  6. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccups.
  7. If we should never eat late at night, then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  8. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  9. I read in the newspaper that a semicolon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  10. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat; I’m living on the wrong planet.

Witty one-liner jokes (21-25):

  1. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  2. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  3. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  4. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  5. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice, but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

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So, dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it? Did any of these witty one-liner jokes make you smile?

If you did enjoy this article, then please share it with your friends on social media.

People do enjoy witty one-liner jokes, so please share this post now.

If you could share it, I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

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How to call someone stupid in a smart way

11/13/2024 by

If you’re wondering how to call someone stupid in a smart way, this article is just for you.

I thought it would be fun to curate some of the many euphemisms we use occasionally to indicate that someone of our acquaintance is not very bright.

So, here are 37 ways I can think of to suggest someone lacks brainpower.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (1-10)

He’s as sharp as a marble

He’s a dime short of a dollar

He’s as dim as a Toc-H lamp

He’s a sandwich short of a picnic

With him, it’s all foam, and no beer

He’s a few fries short of a Happy meal

He’s as sharp as a sock full of soup

He’s not firing on all cylinders

If he had brains, he’d be dangerous

He’s a few cards short of a full deck

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (11-20)

The lights are on but no one’s home

He’s not the brightest star in the sky

He’s not the sharpest tool in the box

He’s a Fruit Loop short of a full bowl

He’s not the fastest horse in the race

Few people are slower on the uptake

He doesn’t have all the dots on his dice

He’s not the brightest crayon in the box

He’s the reason we have warning labels

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (21-30)

He just doesn’t have both oars in the water

The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead

There’s a village somewhere missing its idiot

You could never accuse him of intelligent thought

He’s certainly unburdened by the thought process

Put your ear next to his and you can hear the ocean

He could hide his own Easter eggs and never find them

With him, the elevator doesn’t go all the way up to the top

He’s got two brain cells, and both are fighting for third place

That guy’s known as 90 cents because he isn’t the full dollar

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (31-37)

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change back

He’s like a pair of children’s scissors, colourful, but not too sharp

He couldn’t pour water out of a shoe with instructions on the heel

When God was giving out brains, he was standing in the wrong queue

No one would suggest that intellectual horsepower is his strongest suit

What he doesn’t know would fill the Library of Congress and then some

If his brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow his hat off

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Did any of them make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

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30 clever one-liners that are sharp and witty

10/26/2024 by

CLEVER ONE-LINERSHere are 30 clever one-liners you’ll just love. They’re all sharp and witty and guaranteed to amuse you. Take a minute to enjoy them all.

And don’t forget to pass them on too.

Clever one-liners (1-15):

  1. I can handle pain until it hurts.
  2. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
  3. Life is just a sexually transmitted disease.
  4. I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
  5. Only our parents’ children are always right.
  6. It’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  7. No, I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.
  8. If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.
  9. It’s only funny when it’s not happening to you.
  10. Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
  11. How could I miss you when you won’t go away?
  12. Nothing is truly lost until your mom can’t find it.
  13. What happens if I get scared half to death twice?
  14. The light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
  15. How come creditors always have better memories than debtors?

Clever one-liners (16-30):

  1. I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
  2. A lottery is just a tax on people who don’t understand math.
  3. Life would be so much better if we could mute some people.
  4. When I need an expert’s advice, I stand in front of the mirror.
  5. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Some only gargle.
  6. If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
  7. Some people lose their tempers just from seeing you keep yours.
  8. Did the first person to hear a parrot speak need therapy afterwards?
  9. There is a solution for when your hair starts falling out. Put it in a box.
  10. Don’t you get tired of having to look after your parents’ grandchildren?
  11. Drinking coffee before you start work helps your co-workers live longer.
  12. Don’t you just hate how spiders sit there on your wall and act like they pay rent?
  13. I’m not looking for a stable relationship, I’ll settle for a stable internet connection.
  14. If a man speaks in a forest and there are no women there to hear him, is he still wrong?
  15. People always say they don’t believe in ghosts until they hear a strange noise in the middle of the night.

CLEVER ONE-LINERSPlease share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes?

If any of these clever one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

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50 funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts

10/18/2024 by

Dear reader, are you looking for some ideas for witty and funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts?

Well, here are 50 suggestions that might amuse you and help you produce a memorable gem to tease your best friend on his or her birthday card.

Everyone loves witty comments.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Funny birthday wishes for friends (1-25)

Birthdays are just nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.

May your hair dye and mascara never run! Happy Birthday, old girl!

I’m not obsessed with age but I really can’t believe how old you are.

Age is just a number. In your case a very large number, dear friend.

You’re as old as you are dear to me. And you’re very, very dear to me.

The mirror doesn’t lie, and at your age, you’re lucky it doesn’t laugh either.

Dearest friend, I hope you get 100 birthday cards today! To match your age!

I wouldn’t say you’re old but even Keith Richards looks younger than you.

Happy Birthday, friend! Age is not a big deal. Not to me but then I’m still young.

Best wishes to a dear friend, who can tell me when bread was only five cents a loaf.

Your birthday only comes once a year but the wrinkles it brings will last a lifetime.

When you’re as old as you, there’s always cosmetic surgery. It’ll be a big job though.

Looking at you fills me with hope, that one day I might live to be as old as you are today.

Best wishes to a woman who’s been thirty for more years than either of us can remember.

You’re as old as you feel, and I’m guessing you’re feeling very, very old today. Happy Birthday!

You’re how old? OMG, that’s dead in doggy years! Be glad you’re not a dog. Happy Birthday!

Today, girl, there are things we can all marvel at. Like the length of time that you’ve been on this planet. Truly amazing!

I looked at today’s date and I realized it was your birthday, dearest friend! Then I thought about the year you were born! I’m surprised you’re still mobile and have all your own teeth.

Today, dearest friend, you have made me so grateful for something … that I’m not as old as you!

Before there were maps, people used the stars to guide them. I’d love to hear your stories about the challenges of getting around when you were young. Happy Birthday!

Dearest friend, it’s so special to know someone who was around when the pyramids were being built. Happy Birthday!

As the years’ pass, you might ache a little more. But that’s only because you’re getting old! Happy Birthday.

As your friend, I’m here to remind you of things that are important in life. Like ‘Are you sure you’re putting away enough money for your retirement?’

Dearest friend, remember you should count your blessings, not your years. Well, you don’t really have enough time left to count all your years!

I know you’re downhearted about your age this year but worry not. Your best mate will be there to help you blow out all the candles on your cake, so you can feel like a kid again!

Funny birthday wishes for friends (26-50)

I wouldn’t call you ancient, but it’s a privilege to know someone who was involved with the construction of Stonehenge! Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to the woman who has it all! Hearing loss, cataracts, hypertension, back pain and osteoarthritis to name but a few. Still, it’s your birthday, so enjoy!

You’re a woman whose very presence makes others happy. Thanks for reminding us that we’re not as old as you. Happy Birthday!

Sometimes, I feel like you’ve been around forever! That’s probably because you have! Happy Birthday!

As someone who’s been around since before the age of electricity, you’ve kept yourself in good shape. Well, round is still a shape. Happy Birthday!

Everyone thinks you’re really young, dearest friend, but only because you lie about your age. Happy Birthday!

Here’s to the years that you’ve been alive; there’s been so many yet you still survive. Incredible, when you think about it.

On your birthday, people often will tell you that you’re still a young man. Don’t believe them, they’re liars!

Don’t think of yourself as old today. You just have a lot more experience of life than most people.

Your beard is grey and your hairline’s disappeared below the horizon but, on the upside, there’ll be cake today.

May your birthday be filled with joy and a glass or two of wine. Well, if there’s wine I’m sure that’ll be good enough

Best wishes to a woman who thinks she’s still young but isn’t. However your embrace of delusion is impressive.

Facing another birthday, you might fear becoming an old man. Well, you needn’t worry because you’ve been an old man for years now.

Happy Birthday to a man who has witnessed first-hand so many great things! Like the invention of the steam engine.

I was going to make a joke about your age, but that would be a bit cruel, wouldn’t it? Happy Birthday!

They say memory fades as you get older. So, I’m guessing now you probably don’t remember life as it was when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Honey, today on your birthday you don’t need to lift a finger. Don’t worry about the messy house or the dishes. I don’t mind. You can deal with them tomorrow. Happy Birthday!

You never seem to age, so let me remind you how old you really are: you’re old enough to drink, young enough to get pregnant, and just the right age to make something of yourself. So by all means, hurry up before it’s too late! Oh, and many happy returns.

I’d have put candles on your cake but there would have been so many that the carbon footprint would have breached the UNFCCC Paris Climate Accord.

40’s the old age of youth and 50’s the youth of old age. However, I’ve no idea what your age represents.

Happy Birthday to you. I hope you enjoy your day as much as I’ll enjoy eating free cake and ice cream.

I’m not saying you’re old but the songs on your iPhone are too old even for the GOLDEN OLDIES station to play.

Happy Birthday to someone who’s getting more valuable and better with age. Oh wait-a-minute, that’s wine. Happy Birthday to someone who’s just getting old!

I know you’re not thirty, flirty and thriving but hey, you’re still driving! That’s not bad for someone of your age.

Happy Birthday to someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming. No hang on a minute, I meant from someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming.

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22 Murrayisms to make Murray Walker fans smile

09/08/2024 by

MURRAYISMSIf you’re wondering what Murrayisms are then perhaps you’re not familiar with the late, legendary, Formula One commentator Murray Walker.

Murrayisms were amusing, and often factually incorrect quips that Murray Walker would say as he got carried away by his own enthusiasm and excitement during an F1 race.

For motorsport fans everywhere, they added to the entertainment and endeared Murray to their hearts. His enthusiasm was genuinely infectious and the fans loved him for it.

Graeme Murray Walker OBE was a British motorsport commentator, journalist and former advertising executive. He provided television commentary of live Formula One racing in a broadcasting career spanning over 50 years. And his way with words helped to earn him his status as a national treasure in Britain.

So here are 22 Murrayisms for your pleasure and entertainment. Enjoy them all.

Murrayisms

Murrayisms (1 – 11):

  1. And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.
  2. Either the car is stationary, or it’s on the move.
  3. With half the race gone, there’s half the race still to go.
  4. There’s nothing wrong with the car except that it’s on fire.
  5. Anything can happen in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does.
  6. You might think that’s cricket and it’s not, it’s motor racing.
  7. That’s history. I say history because it happened in the past.
  8. I can’t believe what’s happening visually, in front of my eyes.
  9. He can’t decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.
  10. The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.
  11. If is a very long word in Formula One. In fact IF is F1 spelled backwards.

Murrayisms

Murrayisms (11 – 22):

  1. And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One racing.
  2. Motor racing can never be totally safe and it never should be in my opinion.
  3. I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable.
  4. I’ve no idea what Eddie Irvine’s orders are, but he’s following them superlatively well.
  5. I don’t make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.
  6. This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
  7. Well, now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.
  8. Schumacher wouldn’t have let him past voluntarily. Of course he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it.
  9. There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today and four of them are Michael Schumacher.
  10. Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium, and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world.
  11. Now he must not go the wrong way round the circuit, and unless he can spin himself stationary through 360 degrees I fail to see how he can avoid doing so.

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