35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

I love witty quotes from the funniest people, and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today, I thought I’d share some of them with you, dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people, and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh

A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh

Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner

Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor

I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James

My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird

I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel

Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff

When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton

My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

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Thank you.

35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

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