humor Archives - Roy Sutton

27 funny comebacks that’ll prove no one should mess with you

02/19/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Have you ever been in a situation where you’d wished you had a smart response straight off the tongue to put someone well and truly in their place?

An insult or funny comeback to let someone know that they’re attempting to mess with someone they really shouldn’t mess with?

Certainly it’s a good idea to have your own personal stock of insults and funny comebacks ready and waiting to be used, just in case.

This would be your own deadly quiver full of arrows.

There’s nothing worse than being stuck for words only to kick yourself later when you think of a good comeback but it’s all a bit late.

So here’s another selection of 27 insults and funny comebacks so your gun is loaded, cocked and ready to fire. No one messes with you dear reader.

27 Funny Comebacks:

Well I was pro-life……until I met you.
You’re so fat you could sell shade.
You’re living proof that evolution can go into reverse.
If I had a face like yours I’d sue my parents.
You’ll go far, and hopefully you won’t come back.
You’re living proof that God really does have a sense of humor.
Were you born this stupid or have you had special training?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
You’re about as useful as a condom with a hole in it.
Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to stupid people.
Hey, your village called. They want their idiot back.
Hey, the zoo called. They’re wondering how you got out of your cage?
Please just tell me that you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
Jesus might love you, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.
Save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.
It amuses me when I hear you talk about stuff you don’t understand.
I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really does work that’s for sure.
I have seen people like you before, but I’ve always been charged for admission in the past.
Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
Don’t you know that it’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it, removing all doubt?
I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
Meeting you has made me realise that there are some remarkably dumb people in this world.
I just stepped in something that was smarter than you and it smelled better too.
In Science class I learned the universe consists of neutrons, protons and electrons. The University of Life has taught me that it consists of morons too.
If you’re waiting for me to care, then I hope you brought something to eat, because it’s going to be a long, long time.
I’m trying my hardest to see things from your perspective, but I just can’t get my head that far up my ass.

More funny comebacks:

If you enjoyed this post then you’ll find another 37 funny comebacks if you just CLICK HERE: It may be an earlier post but it’s just as funny I promise you dear reader.

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15 black humor jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

02/16/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

If you’re like me then you’ll need a good laugh each and every day. It is after all the best medicine, they say. If nothing else it certainly relieves stress.

I love all forms of humor, even what I’d call black humor. That’s humor with a slightly darker edge?

Some people find this type of humor a little distasteful but personally, I think it can still be very funny.

Here are 15 black humor jokes that I think will definitely make you laugh. Well some of them will make you smile at least.

None of these jokes are too distasteful, so I hope they will appeal to everyone. If they don’t appeal to you dear reader then I will endeavour to offer something more in line with your preferences next time.

For those who like humor with a darker edge, enjoy!

Black Humor Jokes:

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?
Patient: The good news please.
Doctor: I’ve got the diagnosis for your illness. Unfortunately it suggests you have only two days to live.
Patient: So what’s the bad news then?”
Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you for two days.

Today really has been a terrible day.
First my wife gets hit by a bus.
Then I lose my job as a bus driver.

The doctor gave me one year to live.
So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far.
Yes, isn’t this catapult amazing. Quick get our daughter!

Girl: So, what do you do?
Boy: I work with animals every day.
Girl: Oh that’s so sweet! What exactly do you do?
Boy: I’m a butcher.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come to you anyway.

Fred walks into a shop and sees a nice looking dog.
Does your dog bite? Fred says to the shop assistant.
No, my dog doesn’t bite, said the assistant.
Fred starts petting the dog but it attacks him viciously.
You said your dog doesn’t bite, said Fred.
He doesn’t. That isn’t my dog, said the assistant.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father did.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.

They say the quickest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach.
Personally, I find a knife through the ribcage a lot quicker.

Finally I got one of those roof-top boxes for the car.
It’s very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.

I took my wife out for tea and biscuits.
She wasn’t very happy about having to donate blood though.

Mom, I’m still having those sharp headaches!
Then don’t stand in front of the dart board!

Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
To get to the second hand shop.

A man awakens from a coma.
His wife is irritated and changes out of her black clothing.
I really can’t depend on you for anything, can I?

If I’m smiling, I’m probably thinking of doing something evil.
If I’m laughing, I’ve already done it.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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15 Quotes by Bob Newhart

02/12/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

There are many fine comedians and many of the finest are American in my opinion.

And I think one of the funniest American comedians of all time is Bob Newhart. He’s certainly made me laugh out loud, many times.

Many years ago I was fortunate enough to stumble upon his audio recording the Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart and from that moment on I was absolutely hooked.

This album was one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

Imagine my situation, I’m sitting in my car waiting for the traffic lights to turn green. Suddenly on my car radio they play the Tobacco sketch from that album. It was so funny it had me laughing so much that people around me were starting to stare at me as if I’d gone mad. It really was that funny.

If you’re unfamiliar with Bob Newhart’s work then I recommend you check him out. And a good place to start would be Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart. It’s still available on Amazon.

However before you check it out, here are 15 quotes by Bob Newhart, some of which reflect his humor, some reflect his sense of the absurd and some are just thought-provoking.

Quotes by Bob Newhart:

The only way to survive is to have a sense of humor. ~Bob Newhart
Don’t be silly and don’t waste your time. ~Bob Newhart
Don’t live in the past. There’s no point. You can’t change anything. What a waste of time. ~Bob Newhart
I don’t like country music but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’. ~Bob Newhart
People are meant to be in certain places, and I think I’m meant to be on a sound stage doing situation comedy. ~Bob Newhart
The best advice I was probably given and the best advice I could give someone who is trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills. ~Bob Newhart
Comedians are innately programmed to pick up oddities like mispronounced words, upside-down books on a shelf, and generally undetectable mistakes in everyday life. ~Bob Newhart
I don’t know how doctors pick one specialty over another. Some you can understand. Paediatricians or gynaecologists delivering babies, bringing a new life into the world, but how does someone want to be a proctologist? How can you fall in love with proctology? ~Bob Newhart
With the advent of cell phones, especially with the very small microphone that attach to the cell phone itself, it’s getting harder and harder I find, to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. ~Bob Newhart
I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage. ~Bob Newhart
All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world. ~Bob Newhart
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. ~Bob Newhart
Probably the best advice I ever got in my life was from the head of the accounting department, Mr. Hutchinson, at the Glidden Company in Chicago, and he told me, ‘You really aren’t cut out for accounting.’ ~Bob Newhart
I just made the decision that I was going to try comedy, and if didn’t work, then I knew it didn’t work. Then I would go back and do whatever. But at least I wouldn’t torture myself the rest of my life, wondering whatever would have happened. ~Bob Newhart
All I can say about life is, ‘Oh God, enjoy it!’ ~Bob Newhart

If you’re not familiar with Bob Newhart’s work then I can strongly recommend you listen to the Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart. I can also recommend The Button-Down Mind Strikes Back!

These audio recordings are both funny and well worth your time. Well worth buying your own copies too. I think so anyway.

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Thank you.

5 short jokes that will have you rolling on the floor laughing

02/08/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. The Brown Bear:

Two friends, Bill and George were out hiking in the Katmai National Park in Alaska when suddenly they see a brown bear ambling along in their direction.

Bill immediately takes out a pair of running shoes from his backpack and then sits down to replace his heavy hiking books with his Nikes.

George is puzzled by Bill’s actions, so naturally he asks, “Bill why are you putting on your running shoes right now?”

“George you don’t seriously think I’m going to hang around until we’re spotted by that bear, do you?” Bill responds.

“Bill, don’t be ridiculous,” said George “you’ll never outrun a brown bear.”

“I don’t have to outrun the bear,” Bill responded “I only have to outrun you!”

With that Bill disappeared into the distance shouting back as he went, “Good luck with that bear George.”

Moral of the Story: When it’s you or the other guy, make sure it’s not you.

2. The Efficiency Expert:

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant in Manhattan called The Lemon Tree.

As the waiter was taking our order I noticed he had a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange but initially I ignored it.

However when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I couldn’t help noticing that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

And then as I gazed around the restaurant I could see that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.

So when the waiter came back to serve the soup naturally I enquired, “Why is every member of staff here carrying a spoon?”

“Well,” said the waiter, “the restaurant’s owner hired consultants from McKinsey to improve our processes. After several weeks of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. They calculated that there was a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.”

“Are you serious?” I felt compelled to ask.

“Yes sir!” said the waiter. “They concluded that if our people are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it at this point I managed to drop my spoon and he replaced it with the spare from his pocket immediately.

He then explained, “I’ll simply get another spoon when I next go to the kitchen, rather than making a special trip there right now.”

Such efficiency was impressive.

I then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I could see that all of the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies too.

Puzzled by this I asked the waiter, “Why do you all have string hanging from the fly in your trousers?”

“Oh!” he said, lowering his voice, “The McKinsey consultants concluded that this will help us save time when we have to visit the restroom during a shift.”

“How so?” I enquired.

“Well,” he said, “by tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This shortens the time spent in the restroom by 39% they think.”

“Wow!” I said. “But how do you put it back in your trousers once you’ve finished?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

3. The Counterfeiters:

A couple of small time counterfeiters, Jack and Earl had managed to get hold of a small stock of the actual paper used for printing American currency. This was a genuine stroke of luck and they intended to make the most of it. So they set about printing some twenty dollar bills.

However they’d been drinking heavily beforehand and their attention to the job wasn’t all that it should have been. Nevertheless they printed off their counterfeit currency and then staggered off to bed.

The following morning when they’d sobered up they looked at their previous night’s work and suddenly realized they’d printed $18 dollar bills by mistake.

“Oh, no!” said Jack. “We’ve used all the paper, so we can’t print them off again, can we?”

“No problem,” said Earl. “All we need to do is find some little hick town in the hills somewhere and go into a store and ask some inbred to change them for lower denomination notes.”

“Do you think that will work?” said Jack.

“Sure!” said Earl “And I know just the place.”

So Jack and Earl got in their car with all the counterfeit currency and headed for a little hick town in NowheresVille.

Eventually they came to a tiny little town deep in the hills which had just one single store. So they stopped and entered the store.

Jack handed one of the counterfeit $18 bills to the guy behind the counter and politely asked, “Hey buddy, would you mind changing this for some lower denomination notes please? If you could, that would be appreciated.“

The clerk looked at the $18 bill, smiled and said, “Sure, no problem. What’s your preference, two nines or three sixes?“

4. The Thoughtful Husband:

Sometime after Stephen had died his widow, Alice was finally able to speak about what a wonderful and thoughtful man her late husband had been.

“Stephen thought of everything“, she told her friend Mabel. “You know, just before he died, Stephen called me to his bedside and he handed me three envelopes.“

“Really?” said Mabel. “And what did he say?”

“He said, Alice I have put my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I’ve instructed. Then I can rest in peace,” Alice responded.

“So, what was in the envelopes?” Mabel enquired.

“In the first envelope there was $5,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such thick padding in the lining that I know Stephen is resting very comfortably.” Alice responded.

“Really?” said Mabel.

“Yes” said Alice, “And in the second envelope there was $10,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I arranged a very dignified funeral for Stephen, attended by all his friends and family.”

“So what was in the third envelope?” asked Mabel.

“The third envelope contained $50,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this to buy a suitable stone so I’m remembered’.” Alice responded.

At this point, she held up her hand to Mabel and pointed to the ten carat diamond ring on her finger.

“So Mabel,” said Alice, “do you like the stone?“

5. The Hearing Test:

Bill was concerned about his elderly wife’s hearing. So he decided to test it without telling her.

He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, “Honey can you hear me?“

There was no response.

So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, “Honey can you hear me?“

Still he got no response.

So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice, shouting in her ear, “HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

His wife put down her newspaper and turned towards him saying, “Bill, I said ‘Yes’ three times already!“

Moral of the Story: Don’t assume someone else is the source of a problem. It could be you who’s the problem.

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3 funny stories guaranteed to make you laugh

02/01/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

The boasting Texan:

Gus was a proud Texan who’d never been outside the United States before. So he decided he’d take a vacation in Canada.

On arriving at Toronto Pearson international airport he took a cab to his downtown hotel.

During the ride into the city they passed Queen’s Park and Gus was a little curious to learn something about the place.

So he said to the cab driver, “Hey buddy, what’s that?”

“Well”, said the cab driver with a sense of pride, “that park is the site of the Ontario Legislative Building which houses the Legislative Assembly of Ontario. It’s like your State government. Believe it or not, those buildings are over 100 years old and they’re big don’t you think?”

Gus was unimpressed. “That’s nothing”, he said. “Back in Texas we have older buildings that are twice as big.”

Then they drove passed the skyscraper known as First Canadian Place.

“And what’s that?” asked Gus.

“Oh, that’s Canada’s tallest skyscraper”, said the cab driver. “Believe it or not that’s 978 feet high and it took four years to build.”

“Only 978 feet, that’s not very tall,” Gus responded. “Back home we have much taller buildings and they were all built in half the time. In the United States that building wouldn’t even make the list of Top 10 tallest buildings.”

Naturally at this point the cab driver was starting to feel a little irritated by Gus’s boasting.

Soon they were driving past the CN Tower.

Gus stared at it momentarily and then asked the cab driver, “And what’s that buddy?”

The cab driver looked at the structure and then smiled, “Oh, that’s just a Canadian pepper grinder.”

The wrong priorities:

Jeff was a very successful, young lawyer who was involved in a terrible car crash on the freeway.

The whole of the driver’s side of Jeff’s Maserati had been ripped clean off, along with his left arm.

He was staggering out of the wreckage when a motorcycle police officer arrived at the scene.

Jeff was clearly in a state of shock, mumbling, “Oh my God! My car! Look at my car!”

Seeing how badly Jeff was injured, the police officer said, “Sir, please try to stay calm. We need to be more concerned about your personal injuries, rather than any damage to your car.”

Jeff slowly looked down to where his left arm has once been and then suddenly he screamed, “Oh my God! My Rolex has gone! Where’s my Rolex?”

The Psychiatric Hospital:

Jim and Rita were long-term patients in a psychiatric hospital.

One day they were walking past the hospital’s therapeutic swimming pool when, suddenly, Jim threw himself into the deep end.

Knowing Jim couldn’t swim at all, Rita dived straight in after him and dragged him to the safety of the poolside.

As luck would have it the head psychiatrist saw exactly what happened and recognized just how brave Rita had been in the circumstances.

In recognition of her bravery it was decided that she was ready to be discharged from the hospital, as her actions suggested that she was now mentally sound.

So the head psychiatrist called her into his office to tell Rita about the review panel’s decision.

“Rita”, said the head psychiatrist, “I have some good news for you. Unfortunately I also have some bad news for you too.”

“What’s the good news?” asked Rita.

“Well, in recognition of your bravery in saving the life of another patient”, said the head psychiatrist, “We think you’ve shown you’ve regained a sound mind, so it’s been decided that you’re ready to be discharged.”

“That’s good”, said Rita. “But what’s the bad news?”

“Well Jim subsequently hanged himself with the belt of his robe in the washroom. Unfortunately he’s dead”, the head psychiatrist responded.

“No, doctor” said Rita, “he didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

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21 witty one liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

01/26/2019 by Roy Sutton 2 Comments

Now do you fancy a bit of a laugh?

Would you like something to make you smile?

You’d love a laugh but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything too long? Well fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

So here are 21 witty one liners guaranteed to make you smile. They made me smile and I’m confident that at least a few of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy a laugh which is concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one liners is just for you dear reader. So go on have a laugh right now and enjoy them all.

Witty One Liners:

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” ~Ian Smith
Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once’. ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’. ~Paul McCaffrey
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’. ~Paddy Lennox
Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed ~Josie Long
I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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10 funny but stupid jokes that’ll make your children howl laughing

01/25/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

One of life’s great joys is sharing a laugh with children.

There’s nothing quite as infectious as a child laughing uncontrollably, I’m sure you’ll agree with that dear reader.

All you need is a little ammunition in the form of a book of stupid jokes and you’re well on your way to creating memories that will last a lifetime.

Just recently I stumbled upon a very funny book that works a treat with young children.

The book is Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell and I think it’s hilarious. It’s absolutely stuffed full of the sort of stupid jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers.

It contains an excellent collection of over 2,500 hilariously funny and silly jokes all guaranteed to get a child laughing.

So take a break from the smartphones and iPads and you can have hours of fun making your children laugh and showing them there’s life beyond electronic gadgets.

Each joke has a simple two line structure, poking fun at everything from addled animals to witless wizards. These are jokes that children will love and they’ll be keen to share them with their friends.

This collection of jokes will allow children to dazzle their friends, disarm their enemies and impress their teachers.

And remember; if a child has a stock of jokes to tell then they’ll always be popular with their peer group.

So I’ve got to tell you dear reader, you can’t lose with this book. It’s inexpensive and a sure-fire winner.

Allow me to offer you some examples of the wit and humour that you’ll find between the covers of Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell:-

Sample of the jokes you’ll find:

What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals

Why do cows lie down when it’s cold?
To keep each udder warm

Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angel fish

Why don’t bears wear socks?
Because they like to walk in their bear feet

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra

What’s out of bounds?
An exhausted kangaroo

Why are anteaters good workers?
Because a little aardvark never hurt anyone

Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret?
Because pigs are squealers

What do porcupines have that other animals don’t?
Baby porcupines

Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire?
She wanted to lay it on the line

The book Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell is available from Amazon and if you’d like to take a Look Inside or purchase a copy then just CLICK HERE

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Here is some funny political satire with laughter guaranteed

01/19/2019 by Roy Sutton

In the times in which we now live, it seems that intelligent political debate is something from a bygone age.

Perhaps it never really existed at all.

However the politically correct modern media has created a debate so lacking in intelligent and informed analysis that it has become completely pointless I think.

If you live in the United Kingdom dear reader, then an excellent example for me is the BBC’s Question Time. It may have a new host in Fiona Bruce but it’s still just a lot of hot air I think.

Essentially it’s just a carefully selected bunch of people with rigid views coupled with an inability to understand why others may think the way they do. And an unwillingness even to try.

I suppose that’s just the way it is nowadays.

Nevertheless it’s not a complete loss to us all because it does offer fertile ground for comedy and funny political satire.

So if like me you think that the BBC’s Question Time has become a mess of evidence-free assertions, class warfare, soundbites and smugness then you might just enjoy this comedy sketch from Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse.

It’s very funny and for me they have truly nailed the nature of what passes for modern political debate.

It made me laugh and I hope it makes you smile too.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3tUqRBiMVo[/youtube]

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5 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today or any day

01/17/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. Fred and Ginger dining out:

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining out in a very swanky, five star New York City hotel and they’d both made a point of dressing for the occasion.

Ginger looked absolutely stunning is her ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred arrived in his trademark top hat, white tie and tails. They both looked like the million dollar movie stars they were.

All was going well with dinner until they got to dessert. While serving dessert the clumsy waiter managed to trip and Fred was showered from head to toe in treacle pudding.

“Oh, I’m most terribly sorry, Mr Astaire,” said the waiter.

Fred was not amused. “So you ought to be,” he said angrily.

Fred sat there fuming as the waiter tried his best to assist.

“Look at the state of me now,” said Fred. “I’ve pudding on my top hat; pudding on my white tie; and pudding on my tails.”

2. Church on Sunday:

Leaving church one Sunday Bernadette said to her husband Frank, “Do you think Mrs O’Shaughnessy is dying her hair?”

“To be honest Bernadette, I didn’t even notice Mrs O’Shaughnessy,” Frank responded.

They walked together quietly for a few moments and then Bernadette remarked, “Did you see that skirt Mrs Kilkenny was wearing? Now don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate for a 40 year old mother of six.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t really notice Mrs Kilkenny either,” said Frank.

“Huh!” Bernadette responded dismissively. “A lot of good it does you going to church on Sundays.”

3. The will reading:

A lawyer was reading out the will of a wealthy man to his family and everyone mentioned in the document.

“To my loving wife Mary, my rock and without whom my life would have been very different, I leave the mansion in Bel-Air and $20 million,” the lawyer read out loud.

He paused momentarily for his audience to digest this information and then he continued reading.

“To my darling daughter Louisa who supported me so much when my health began to fail and never once complained, I leave my business, my yacht and $1 million,” said the lawyer.

Again he paused momentarily to allow this information to sink in.

The lawyer then continued reading the final section of the will, “And to my brother Neville who argued with me constantly, hated my guts and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Neville!”

4. Engine trouble:

While cruising at 35,000 feet, the aircraft suddenly shuddered violently.

One passenger looked out of the window and then shouted, “Oh my God! One of the engines has just blown up.”

The passengers were white with fear when moments later the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as an engine on the opposite side exploded.

Passengers started to panic and the cabin crew struggled to keep order.

However just then the Captain strode confidently from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing about which they should be alarmed.

Reassured by the Captain’s calm manner, passengers returned to their seats and he coolly walked over to the aircraft’s door.

He then grabbed several packages from under the seats near the door and started handing them to the rest of the crew.

Crew members immediately fastened these packages to their backs.

One observant passengers said, “Hey, aren’t they parachutes?”

“Yes,” said the Captain.

“But you said there was no need to be alarmed,” the passenger responded.

“There isn’t,” replied the Captain as a third engine suddenly exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

5. Cashflow problem at the zoo:

A zoo was experiencing serious cashflow problems due to visitor numbers falling.

The zoo’s management got together to discuss how they could reverse the trend by introducing a major attraction.

Following the meeting the manager persuaded a visitor, who was a very big, stocky man, to take a job dressing up in a gorilla costume and masquerading as a great ape.

This deception worked well as the man really threw himself into the role with enthusiasm; devouring buckets of bananas, swinging from branches, pacing his cage menacingly, beating his chest and roaring loudly.

However one day he went a bit too far and he accidently fell into the lion’s enclosure next door.

Panicking, the bogus gorilla started shouting, “Help! Help!”

The lion let out a tremendous roar, then rushed at him. He put his paw on the bogus gorilla’s chest and growled, “Shut up buddy, or we’ll both lose our jobs!”

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Short Story Jokes: Here are 5 more to brighten your day

01/16/2019 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. Gimme a beer:

A man walks into a bar in Downtown Manhattan and says to the bartender, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!“

The man then downs the beer in one before asking the bartender for another, once again saying, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!“

Naturally the bartender is a little wary of this guy but he pours him another beer nevertheless.

This goes on for a while, each time with the guy saying, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!“

After the fifth beer the bartender is really becoming bewildered by this guy’s approach, so he asks, “Hey buddy, when are you going to pay for all these beers?“

To which the guy responds, “This is where the problems start!“

2. Twin boys:

A young woman has twin boys but is forced sadly to give them up for adoption.

One boy is adopted by a family in Morocco and they name him Amal.

The other boy goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan.

Many years later the woman receives a letter from Juan which includes a recent photograph of him.

As she’s looking at the photograph the woman says tearfully to her husband, “Oh, how I wish I had a photograph of Amal too.”

To which her husband responds, ”They’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

3. There’s always one:

A bus completely full with passengers crashes on an icy road and bursts into flames. Sadly everyone on the bus is killed instantly in the crash.

When they all arrive at the Pearly Gates the passengers are met by God, which is an unusual precedent but these were tragic circumstances. The situation is well above St Peter’s pay grade.

As the passengers form an orderly queue, God says, “Since you all died in such a tragic way, I’m here to grant each of you one wish before you enter the Kingdom of Heaven.“

The woman at the head of the line’s obviously concerned about her looks, and she says to God “I wish to be beautiful.“

God smiles, grants the wish and instantly she is truly beautiful.

The next woman hesitates momentarily but then she decides to wish for the same thing.

Once again God smiles, grants the wish and instantly she is also truly very beautiful.

Whilst all this is going on, a guy at the back of the queue starts to laugh.

Two more women, on seeing how beautiful their two fellow passengers have become, also wish to become beautiful.

God smiles again, their wishes are granted and they too are now very beautiful.

By now the guy at the end of the line is laughing even louder.

Nevertheless one after another, the deceased passengers all request the same wish.

However with each wish granted the guy at the end of the line, seems to laugh even harder.

Finally it’s this guy’s turn to request his wish when God asks, “My son, what’s your wish?”

To which the guy responds, “Make them all ugly again!“

Moral of the Story: There’s always someone determined to ruin it for everyone else.

4. The problem with getting old:

An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.“

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it had been on the previous day.

Naturally the doctor inquired as to what happened.

“Well doctor,” the old man explained, “it was like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, and still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, still nothing. We even called up Maggie, the lady next door. She tried with both hands, followed by her armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees. However still nothing.“

Looking shocked the doctor said, “You asked a neighbour?“

To which the old man replied, “Yes but none of us could get the lid off the jar.“

5. Swapping places:

One day, Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

Now Einstein’s driver Tom looked remarkably like him, a fact of which Einstein was well aware.

In the car on the way to the conference Einstein said, “You know Tom, I’m sick of speaking at conferences. I just say the same things over and over!“

Tom smiled and said, “You’re right. I’ve attended all of them with you and even though I’m not a scientist, I’m sure I could give the conference in your place.“

“Now that’s a great idea Tom!” said Einstein. “Let’s switch places.“

So they immediately switch clothes, Einstein hands Tom his notes and when they arrive at the conference, Tom goes on stage and he starts giving the speech.

Meanwhile dressed in the driver’s uniform, Einstein sits at the side of the stage.

Unfortunately lurking in the audience is one scientist who is determined to impress everyone by asking a difficult question he hopes Einstein will not be able to answer.

When he gets his chance, this guy seizes the moment and interrupts the conference with his very difficult question.

It’s a real curved ball and the audience knows it. The whole room is silent, holding their breath, waiting for Einstein’s response. You could hear a pin drop.

However Tom has been around the block a few times and he wasn’t easily fazed.

He looked the guy dead in the eye, smiled at him and said, “Sir, to demonstrate how easy to answer your question is, I will let my driver reply to it for me.“

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