humor

37 funny comebacks for dealing with rude people

04/08/2021 by Roy Sutton

The art of funny comebacks is one well worth developing.

We all have to deal with rude comments and mean, spiteful people occasionally. That’s all part of human existence.

However how often do you wish you had a suitable response ready to go to put such people firmly in their place?

If only you had a stock of funny comebacks to choose from when situations dictate?

Well here are 37 funny comebacks that you might find useful when you’re faced with dealing with rude, mean or difficult people. How many of these can you work into your day, today?

If there are any of these funny comebacks that you particularly like then please share this post with your friends but not before you’ve enjoyed them all first.

Remember: When you share, everyone wins.

Funny Comebacks:

You know you really should buy some breath mints?
I have better things to do than listen to you.
Whoever told you to be yourself has given you bad advice.
I don’t care what everyone else says, I don’t think you’re that bad.
Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
I believed in evolution until I met you.
Have you ever wondered why people don’t like you?
I accept I’m not perfect but at least I’m not you.
If ignorance is bliss, then you must be the happiest person on the planet.
You always bring me so much joy, the minute you leave the room.
I don’t need a proctologist to tell me you’re an asshole.
I’m not a cactus expert but I do know a prick when I see one.
I would explain it to you but I have neither the time nor the crayons!
Sorry buddy but I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
Look, if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I had to do was fart.
If only your dad had used a condom, the world would be a better place.
You have your entire life to be a jerk. Take a day off and give the rest of us a break.
Everyone said you were unpleasant but I didn’t believe them ……. until now.
Sorry but you’re confusing me with someone who actually cares about what you think.
Are you always such an idiot or do you just like to show off when I’m around?
I understand what you’re saying but if I agreed with you then we’d both be wrong.
Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while but you’re abusing the privilege.
Remember when I asked for your opinion? Well, me neither.
No wonder everyone talks about you behind your back.
It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it and remove all doubt.
Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.
I don’t remember asking for your opinion.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I can see you’ve already got one.
I’m busy, you’re ugly. Have a nice day.
Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale?
I hope you step on a Lego in your bare feet.
You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.
Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else would you be able to understand me?
You can keep rolling your eyes if you must but you’re unlikely to find a brain back there.
I don’t know what your problem is but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
You sir are a human version of period cramps.

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37 Clever one-liners guaranteed to get your friends laughing

04/07/2021 by Roy Sutton

You may not be a stand-up comedian dear reader but, if you’re anything like me, I’m sure you like to have a few clever one-liners up your sleeve ready to amuse your friends.

It’s always useful to have a few good one-liner jokes in your back pocket, wouldn’t you agree?

Certainly, a funny joke never fails to break the ice in social situations. That’s why I collect them in my journal.

And I was asked recently would I go through my collection and share a few more with readers. So today I’ve done that just for you.

Next time you’re at a loss for words, then try out one or two of these clever one-liners and watch how your popularity grows.

Enjoy them all and then share them with your friends.

Clever one-liners:

I doubt, therefore I might be.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
I want patience – AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
Today’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Despite the cost of living, it remains popular.
What’s worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.
I used to have a handle on life but then it broke.
Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!
If talk is cheap, why is hiring a lawyer so expensive?
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
My math teacher called me average. Which I think is mean.
The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it is on my list.
Every organisation will get results consistent with its design.
Red meat’s not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat’s bad for you.
I used to have an hourglass figure but then the sand shifted.
If at first you don’t succeed, you can always redefine success.
Why do bees hum? Because they can’t remember the lyrics.
If everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
Listen, girl, you know what this dress is made of? Boyfriend material.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
A giant fly attacked the police station. They had to call a SWAT team.
If you’ve got a clear conscience, you’ve probably got a bad memory too.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t
If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?
Living on Earth may be expensive but it does include a free trip around the sun.
They say money can’t buy happiness but it’s just bought me this Happy Meal.
Drive with excessive speed and you won’t need to worry about your cholesterol.
Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I reminded him that he said he didn’t hire stupid people.
Any married person should forget their mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember that the fire department usually uses water.
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. Trouble is, they’re usually married to each other.
What’s the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairy tale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…’

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When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that could be your good deed for the day.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

21 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

04/06/2021 by Roy Sutton

Now, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today I offer you 21 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

Witty One-Liners:

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” ~Ian Smith
Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, Ah well, you only live once. ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be? ~Paul McCaffrey
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, Two or three. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed ~Josie Long
I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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25 funny quotes about life guaranteed to make you smile

04/05/2021 by Roy Sutton

Today I’m in a philosophical mood, so I thought I’d explore some funny quotes about life. This batch all made me smile and they’re guaranteed to make you smile too.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny quotes about life:

A wise man once said nothing.
Life’s like ice cream. You must enjoy it before it melts.
Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.
Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I made a large ‘to list’ for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it all.
Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is.
You need three bones to succeed in life. A backbone, a wishbone, and a funny bone.
Life’s hard but it’s even harder if you’re stupid.
Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes.
Life can be summed up in three words. It goes on.
Stressed spelled backward is desserts. Coincidence? I think not.
Life can be a handful. That’s why you’ve got two hands.
Revenge sounds so mean. Better just to think of it as returning the favor.
Life was easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
There are three things a woman needs in life. Food, water, and compliments.
Life’s short. Smile while you still have teeth.
You may call them swear words but to me they’re just sentence enhancers.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never seem to use it.
They say you attract what you fear. Well $10 million scares the life out of me.
You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
You never know how much you’ve got in life, until you decide to de-clutter your house.
Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
Dear life, when I said, “Can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts. When I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night I’m more open-minded.

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So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

21 Clever One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Smile

04/04/2021 by Roy Sutton

I love funny and clever one-liners and over time I collect them in a journal. And when I’ve got enough I like to share them with readers. Anything that makes readers smile always results in a great reaction.

So today I offer you my latest collection, which I think are all very clever one-liners.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to identify the original authors, so I must classify them all as Author Unknown.

However, I’d be happy to add acknowledgements to each individual quote where readers are able to enlighten me accordingly.

So if you know who wrote them originally then please do let me know.

I’m sharing these clever one-liners with you because I am confident they’ll make you smile dear reader.

Certainly, they all made me smile, so I do hope you enjoy them too.

Clever One-liners:

Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
Arguing with your wife is unwise. Even if you win you lose.
I can keep secrets, of course. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
You can’t make me do what you want me to do, you’re not my cat.
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.
If you take away looks, money, intelligence, charm and success, there’s no difference between me and George Clooney.
I really hate it when people ask for likes on social media. Like if you agree!
You know you’re fat when you step on a ‘speak your weight’ scale and it says “one at a time please”.
When I was at school 52% of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other 38%.
My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my television.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 siblings but they didn’t know either.
The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
I got called pretty yesterday and it felt really good. Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying” but I like to focus on the positive.
You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t return then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

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So did these clever one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

15 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

04/03/2021 by Roy Sutton

Here is another batch of funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Once again I’ve been searching for the best smiles I can find just to brighten your day dear reader. I’ve done the hard work, so you don’t have to.

So sit back, relax and I hope you enjoy these funny one-liners just as much as I did.

And don’t forget your friends.

If you enjoyed these smiles then your friends probably will too.

So pass them on, but not before you’ve enjoyed them yourself.

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile:

Never tell your secrets in a cornfield. There are too many ears
Never give up on your dreams. Stay in bed and sleep on.
I used to work as an origami teacher but I hated it. There was too much paperwork.
They’ve just opened a new restaurant Downtown. It’s called Karma and they don’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
Our local farmer has started feeding his cows with birdseed. That would explain why the milk is going cheep.
There’s a store on Main Street where you can get dead batteries free of charge.
Why is everything delivered by ship called a cargo and yet if it’s delivered by a van it’s called a shipment?
Change your password to incorrect and then if you can’t quite remember it, your computer will say your password is incorrect.
My sister bet me a $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car using spaghetti. Her face was a picture when I drove pasta.
A man delivers a load of bubble wrap. “Where do you want this he asks?” “Oh, just pop it in the corner” was the reply.
A police recruit was asked during his exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
I was amused to read the epitaph on the late dentist’s gravestone. It read “He’s now filling his last cavity.”
Why do bees hum? Because they can never remember the words.
Why are ghosts always bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
What would you call someone with just a nose and no body? Nobody knows.

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So did these funny one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

21 funny computer nerd jokes that will tickle you

04/02/2021 by Roy Sutton

Do you love computer nerd jokes? Certainly, they always make me smile.

So I’ve been searching for some of the best computer nerd jokes I can find and today I offer you 21 of what I think are the best.

It’s virtually impossible to confirm their origins or their authors, but should anyone be able to advise then please do let me know.

In the meantime, take a few minutes to enjoy these 21 computer nerd jokes that will tickle you and any kids you may have too.

Computer nerd jokes:

What do you call 8 hobbits?
A hobbyte

What’s a computer virus?
A terminal illness

Which tea do web developers prefer?
URL Grey

How does a tree use a computer?
It logs on

What did the computer do at lunchtime?
Had a byte to eat

Why did the computer keep sneezing?
It had a virus

Why was the computer cold?
It left its Windows open

Why did the developer go broke?
Because he used up all his cache

Which computer sings the best?
A Dell

Why did the computer show up late for work?
It had a hard drive

What’s the first symptom a computer’s getting old?
Memory problems

What did the spider do when he went on his computer?
Built a website

Which snack do computer geeks prefer?
Microchips

Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse

Why did the monkeys share an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates

Don’t use “beef stew” as your computer password
It’s not stroganoff

What do you get if you cross a worm with a spider?
A web crawler

What do you get if you cross a PC with an elephant?
A computer with a really big memory

What do you get if you cross a computer with a lifeguard?
A screensaver

I heard about a new website: www.needleinahaystack.com
Took me ages to find it

Why didn’t The Terminator upgrade to WINDOWS 10?
I asked him and his reply was, “I still love VISTA baby!”

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Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

21 very corny jokes that will cheer you up guaranteed

03/29/2021 by Roy Sutton

Life can be stressful for everyone so it’s important that we all laugh every day.

To help you with that I’ve been collecting more very corny jokes. These all made me smile and I hope they will make you smile too.

Unfortunately, despite best efforts, it hasn’t been possible to identify the original authors of these very corny jokes, so for the moment they remain ‘Author Unknown‘.

However, if you’re able to help with that, do let me know. My aim always is to acknowledge the work of others when it is possible.

So here they are, 21 very corny jokes that will cheer you up guaranteed.

Very Corny Jokes:

1. What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

2. What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

3. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?

Juan on Juan.

4. Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?

It was craving a well-balanced meal.

5. What did the big bucket say to the smaller one?

You’re looking a little pail.

6. What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here and I’ll go on ahead.

7. How does a duck buy lipstick?

She just puts it on her bill.

8. What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park your car, man.

9. What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad.

10. Why was the poor guy selling yeast?

To raise some dough.

11. Who does a pharaoh talk to when he’s sad?

His mummy.

12. How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

13. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He could feel his presents.

14. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Do not read it!

15. Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

16. What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

17. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad away.

18. How come oysters never donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

19. Why did the pig leave the party early?

Because everyone thought he was a boar.

20. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because there’s no point.

21. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke.

Thank goodness it was a soft drink.

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Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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3 funny jokes that won’t offend but will amuse you

03/28/2021 by Roy Sutton

Today I offer you some very funny jokes that won’t offend anyone but they’ll definitely amuse you and your friends dear reader, of that I’m confident.

So take a moment to enjoy these three little gems. And of course, share them with your friends.

1. Father Murphy:

Father Murphy looked uneasy as he attempted to greet the wedding guests at the entrance to St Bernadette’s Church.

He doesn’t say much and he looks uncomfortable but the congregation know him to be a bit shy.

As the bride arrives, Father Murphy makes his way to the altar and, as the couple approach, he gives the best speech anyone has ever heard.

Not only is it an excellent speech, full of wisdom and insight but he appears to be confident and he has everyone rolling on the floor laughing.

After the couple have made their vows and everyone is leaving, Father Murphy steps down from the altar and once again he becomes tongue-tied and shy and barely manages to say a word to anyone.

Feeling a little sorry for him, the groom says, “I hope you don’t mind me asking Father, but why are you so shy now? You seemed like a different person when you were up there giving that speech earlier.“

“I know“, Father Murphy responded, “but that was just my altar ego.”

2. Running out of gas:

Gerry is driving down the freeway when he runs out of gas.

He’s sitting there in the driver’s seat wondering what to do next when a bee flies in through his window.

“What seems to be your problem?” asks the bee.

“I’ve run out of gas“, Gerry replies.

“That’s unfortunate”, says the bee. “However if you wait here I can help you.”

The bee then flies off, only to return minutes later with an entire swarm of bees. They all fly into his gas tank, leaving Gerry wondering exactly what’s going on.

After a few minutes, the swarm flies off and the bee says to Gerry, “Try it now.”

Gerry turns his ignition key and his car fires into action immediately.

“Wow!” Gerry exclaims. “What did you put in the gas tank?“

The bee smiles and says, “BP, of course.“

3. The lion enclosure:

It’s Jim’s first day on the job as a trainee zookeeper at London Zoo.

His boss wants to ease him into his duties gently so Jim’s given the fish to look after.

Unfortunately, Jim gets all the fish food mixed up with the chemicals and he manages to kill all the fish.

Worried that the mistake might cost him his job, Jim decides it might be easier to cover it up by gathering all the now-dead-fish together and throwing them into the lion enclosure when no-one’s looking.

After lunch Jim’s boss asks him to feed the chimpanzees.

Unfortunately once again by mistake Jim gives them all the wrong food and manages to kill them off too.

Again he’s worried that he could lose the job he only started that very morning. So he decides on another cover-up. Once again Jim dumps all the bodies into the lion enclosure whilst no-one’s looking.

Well, two major mistakes in one day was a little embarrassing, so in the late afternoon, Jim decides to sneak off early before he could do anything else wrong.

Sadly another disaster was waiting to happen.

When reversing his car he managed to back it into the apiary and in doing so crushed all the bees.

Left with little option Jim executed yet another cover-up. He scooped up the crushed bees and again through them all into the lion enclosure.

Jim then jumps into his car and heads for home.

The next day, the zoo has a new arrival. It’s a new lion transferred from Whipsnade Zoo.

“What’s it like here then?” the new lion asks the others in the lion enclosure.

“Not bad“, one replies, “there’s less space here than at Whipsnade but the food’s good. Yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.”

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did these funny jokes that won’t offend anyone make you laugh? I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read today then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. And it’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, then I’d be ever so grateful. and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

3 funny can’t stop laughing jokes you’ll love

03/27/2021 by Roy Sutton

Here are 3 funny can’t stop laughing jokes you’ll love. If you’re in need of a laugh then I suggest you take a couple of minutes and check these out now:-

1. Young Johnny:

Young Johnny wanted desperately to get a set of drums for his birthday.

His parents weren’t keen on the idea but his grandparents being grandparents couldn’t resist bringing a smile to his face and they bought him the drums.

“Gee thanks, this is the best present I’ve ever had”, said Johnny excitedly, when his grandparents gave their gift.

A week later his grandad came to visit and he was asking Johnny how he was getting on with playing the drums.

“They’ve already earned me over a $100”, said Johnny

“Wow”, said grandad, “you must be getting really good at playing them.”

“Not really”, said Johnny, “but mum gives me $10 each day for not playing them during the day and dad gives me $10 a day for not playing them in the evening.”

2. The Violin Recital:

Bill had been invited round to his neighbour’s house to listen to a violin recital being given by the neighbour’s son.

They listened intently for 30 minutes and at the end of the recital the neighbour looked at Bill and said, “What do you think?”

“Well, if I’m honest”, said Bill, “he reminds me of Jamie Callum.”

“Really?” said the neighbour, “I didn’t even know Jamie Callum could play the violin.”

“He can’t”, said Bill, “and neither can your son.”

3. A healthy diet:

Jim and Mildred, both in their 90s, were killed suddenly when the bus they were on crashed in bad weather.

This was sad because they’d been in excellent health due to a strict regime of eating only healthy foods, abstaining from drinking alcohol, plenty of exercise and watching their weight.

When St Peter welcomed them, he showed them around the first-class facilities now available to them in Heaven.

Jim was really impressed with the beautiful scenery, the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.

“This place is really amazing”, said Jim.

“That’s not all,” said St Peter, “let me show you around our five-star restaurant.”

He then led them into the most amazing restaurant with a sumptuous buffet serving every type of delicious food you could imagine.

“Where’s the low fat table?” asked Jim.

“Oh you don’t need to worry about that anymore”, said St Peter. “You can eat anything you like here. You’re in Heaven now! You can eat as much as you like too. Drink wine; drink beer as well. None of it will affect you. ”

Jim suddenly became quite irritated and he threw his hat to the ground.

“What’s the problem?” asked St Peter.

“Mildred”, Jim snapped, “if you hadn’t insisted on that ghastly diet of All-Bran, Tofu, lentils and oatmeal, we could have been here 10 years ago!”

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