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15 Quotes by Joan Rivers

01/26/2020 by Roy Sutton

To comedy lovers everywhere the late Joan Alexandra Molinsky is better known as the legendary Joan Rivers.

Razor sharp and very funny, Joan Rivers was arguably one the finest American stand-up comedians of all time in what was probably the golden age of light entertainment.

By the strength of her personality she managed to succeed in an age when it was even tougher for a woman to get a break in an industry dominated by powerful men. In that she remains a role model for women everywhere.

Joan Rivers pioneered her own brand of irreverent, unconventional comedy and her relentless work ethic allowed her comedy to evolve and her audiences continued to grow. A remarkable lady and one who always made me laugh.

Here are 15 quotes by Joan Rivers, which will make you smile I’m sure.

Quotes by Joan Rivers:

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. ~Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. ~Joan Rivers
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. ~Joan Rivers
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. ~Joan Rivers
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. ~Joan Rivers
Never floss with a stranger. ~Joan Rivers
I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them. ~Joan Rivers
I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny. ~Joan Rivers
We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us. ~Joan Rivers
People say that money is not the key to happiness but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ~Joan Rivers
I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor. ~Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. ~Joan Rivers
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube. ~Joan Rivers
I never dwell on what happened. You can’t change it. Move forward. Don’t waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Done. Move forward. ~Joan Rivers
I walk on a stage, and I know if it’s been a good show or not. You know when it’s been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it’s a good show. And you know when you’ve messed up. ~Joan Rivers

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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Thank you.

15 Quotes by Lily Tomlin

01/25/2020 by Roy Sutton

One of the greatest American comic personalities has to be Lily Tomlin in my opinion.

Born Mary Jean Tomlin in 1939, I think she’s up there with the very best female comedians like Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller and could give any of America’s funny men a serious run for their money too.

She is in fact an actress, comedian, writer, singer and producer and has had a successful career stretching back to the 1960s.

Here are 15 quotes by Lily Tomlin to underline my point.

Quotes by Lily Tomlin:

We are all in this together, by ourselves. ~Lily Tomlin
The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. ~Lily Tomlin
I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. ~Lily Tomlin
Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. ~Lily Tomlin
Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest then we can all die laughing. ~Lily Tomlin
Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. ~Lily Tomlin
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. ~Lily Tomlin
The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~Lily Tomlin
We’re all in this alone. ~Lily Tomlin
I guess if people couldn’t profit from war I don’t think there would be war. ~Lily Tomlin
Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. ~Lily Tomlin
When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime, and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. ~Lily Tomlin
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ~Lily Tomlin

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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15 Quotes by Penny Marshall

01/21/2020 by Roy Sutton

The late film director, producer and actress Penny Marshall was a great talent and I’m sure she’s missed by all who knew her well.

Penny Marshall rose to fame in the 1970s with her role in the hit US television sitcom Laverne & Shirley.

Playing the role of Laverne DeFazio, she was funny and she created a character that has proved to be one of the standout comedy characters from the golden age of situation comedy.

If you’re not familiar with Laverne & Shirley then you can purchase this sitcom on DVD from Amazon. Alternatively there are plenty of clips available on YouTube to give you an idea of how good it was back in the day.

You might also find this ABC News tribute to Penny Marshall well worth a couple of minutes of your time:-

In recent years there has been an improvement in the availability of opportunities for women, particularly in show-business. And that’s how it should be of course.

However we have to admire those strong and talented women from previous generations who managed to succeed at their chosen profession, despite a system that was rigged against them. And in Penny Marshall women had a great role model.

She managed to become a successful director of films, an area of entertainment which is still heavily dominated by men to this day.

She was clearly a very smart lady. So here are 15 quotes by Penny Marshall which reflect her personal philosophy.

Quotes by Penny Marshall:

I think everyone’s mother is slightly nuts. ~Penny Marshall
My family is well and that’s what’s important. ~Penny Marshall
I want you to laugh and cry. That’s what I do. ~Penny Marshall
I wasn’t like a girly girl. I was a tomboy. ~Penny Marshall
If you’re not having a good time, find something else that gives you some joy in life. ~Penny Marshall
I have a strange combination of fearlessness and massive insecurity. ~Penny Marshall
In my opinion, life’s more important than show business. ~Penny Marshall
When I’m working, I’m obsessively working. ~Penny Marshall
I do feel it’s important to entertain people. I try to. ~Penny Marshall
The truth is that I’m not a frump. I just enjoy being laid back. ~Penny Marshall
I would much rather feel comfortable and feel beautiful, than to feel uncomfortable, but look fantastic. ~Penny Marshall
Once I commit to something, I complete it. If I say ‘No,’ I mean ‘No.’ I just have to learn how to say ‘No’ more. ~Penny Marshall
I’ll try anything. What are they gonna do, kick me out of show business? ~Penny Marshall
Movie stars are insecure like everyone else. That’s why they go into acting! ~Penny Marshall
Look at YouTube, how many talented people there are. It’s a whole new world of how to express yourself. I don’t know how to work that world, but take advantage of it. ~Penny Marshall

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You did? I hope so.

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Thank you.

15 Quotes by Phyllis Diller

01/20/2020 by Roy Sutton

The late Phyllis Ada Driver or Phyllis Diller as she was better known was one of America’s greatest comic talents.

She was an actress and stand-up comedienne with an eccentric stage persona.

Self-deprecating humor was her stock in trade, together with wild hair, zany clothes and an exaggerated, cackling laugh.

Phyllis Diller was a very funny lady and one who is greatly missed by fans of good comedy everywhere.

So today I thought it might be quite interesting to explore some of her quotes and observations.

Quotes by Phyllis Diller:

Here are 15 quotes by Phyllis Diller which should make you smile.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! ~Phyllis Diller
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. ~Phyllis Diller
You know you’re old if they’ve discontinued your blood type. ~Phyllis Diller
I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’ ~Phyllis Diller
Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in. ~Phyllis Diller
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. ~Phyllis Diller
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea. ~Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. ~Phyllis Diller
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along but it was easy. He was the only one that came along. ~Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. ~Phyllis Diller
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him. ~Phyllis Diller
Life is a do-it-yourself kit; so do it yourself. Work. Practice. ~Phyllis Diller
Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, ‘I’ll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,’ never ends in a hug and a kiss. ~Phyllis Diller
This man I was going out with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas but he gave me a bowling ball. ~Phyllis Diller
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do. ~Phyllis Diller

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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Thank you.

21 witty one liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

01/19/2020 by Roy Sutton

Now do you fancy a bit of a laugh?

Would you like something to make you smile?

You’d love a laugh but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything too long?

Well fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

So today i offer you 21 witty one liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile and I’m confident that at least a few of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy a laugh which is concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one liners is just for you dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two and have a laugh right now. Please enjoy them all.

Witty One Liners:

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” ~Ian Smith
Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once’. ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’. ~Paul McCaffrey
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’. ~Paddy Lennox
Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed ~Josie Long
I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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21 very corny jokes that will cheer you up guaranteed

01/18/2020 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Life can be stressful for everyone so it’s important that we all laugh every day.

To help you with that I’ve been collecting more very corny jokes. These all made me smile and I hope they will make you smile too.

Unfortunately, despite best efforts, it hasn’t been possible to identify the original authors of these very corny jokes, so for the moment they remain ‘Author Unknown‘.

However if you’re able to help with that, do let me know. My aim always is to acknowledge the work of others when it is possible.

So here they are, 21 very corny jokes that will cheer you up guaranteed.

Very Corny Jokes:

1. What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

2. What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

3. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?

Juan on Juan.

4. Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?

It was craving a well-balanced meal.

5. What did the big bucket say to the smaller one?

You’re looking a little pail.

6. What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here and I’ll go on ahead.

7. How does a duck buy lipstick?

She just puts it on her bill.

8. What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park your car, man.

9. What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad.

10. Why was the poor guy selling yeast?

To raise some dough.

11. Who does a pharaoh talk to when he’s sad?

His mummy.

12. How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

13. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He could feel his presents.

14. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Do not read it!

15. Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

16. What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

17. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad away.

18. How come oysters never donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

19. Why did the pig leave the party early?

Because everyone thought he was a boar.

20. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because there’s no point.

21. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke.

Thank goodness it was a soft drink.

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Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share this post now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

15 Quotes by Groucho Marx

01/15/2020 by Roy Sutton

Groucho Marx, born Julius Henry Marx, was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio and television star and part of the successful and immensely popular comedy act known as The Marx Brothers.

Groucho was known for his quick wit and he is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era.

With his siblings the Marx Brothers, Groucho Marx made 13 feature films but he also had a successful solo career in radio and television.

Here are 15 quotes by Groucho Marx which illustrate his quick wit.

Quotes by Groucho Marx:

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you’ve got it made. ~Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever, or die trying. ~Groucho Marx
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. ~Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. ~Groucho Marx
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. ~Groucho Marx
No man goes before his time, unless the boss leaves early. ~Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others. ~Groucho Marx
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ~Groucho Marx
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. ~Groucho Marx
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. ~Groucho Marx
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~Groucho Marx
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him. If he says, yes, you know he’s a crook. ~Groucho Marx
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ~Groucho Marx
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me? ~Groucho Marx
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? ~Groucho Marx

Marx Brothers Movies:

Younger readers may not have experienced the joy of the comedy from Groucho Marx and the Marx Brothers. Whilst it may be from to another era, it’s still extremely funny and it is worth checking out if you get the opportunity.

Actually the work of Groucho Marx and the Marx Brothers is still available on Amazon. So you can check it out HERE.

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated. Thank you.

15 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

01/13/2020 by Roy Sutton 1 Comment

Here is another batch of funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Once again I’ve been searching to find the best smiles I can find just to brighten your day dear reader. I’ve done the hard work, so you don’t have to.

So sit back, relax and enjoy them all. I hope you enjoy these funny one-liners just as much as I did.

And don’t forget your friends.

If you enjoyed these smiles then your friends probably will too.

So please share this post with your friends on social media. You’ll be a hero or heroine and everyone will appreciate your thoughtfulness for sharing.

You can’t lose, so please share them now but not before you’ve enjoyed today’s smiles.

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile:-

Never tell your secrets in a cornfield. There are too many ears
Never give up on your dreams. Stay in bed and sleep on.
I used to work as an origami teacher but I hated it. There was too much paperwork.
They’ve just opened a new restaurant Downtown. It’s called Karma and they don’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
Our local farmer has started feeding his cows with birdseed. That would explain why the milk is going cheep.
There’s a store on Main Street where you can get dead batteries free of charge.
Why is everything delivered by ship called a cargo and yet if it’s delivered by a van it’s called a shipment?
Change your password to incorrect and then if you can’t quite remember it, your computer will say your password is incorrect.
My sister bet me a $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car using spaghetti. Her face was a picture when I drove pasta.
A man delivers a load of bubble wrap. “Where do you want this he asks?” “Oh, just pop it in the corner” was the reply.
A police recruit was asked during his exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered “Call for backup.”
I was amused to read the epitaph on the late dentist’s gravestone. It read “He’s now filling his last cavity.”
Why do bees hum? Because they can never remember the words.
Why are ghosts always bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
What would you call someone with just a nose and no body? Nobody knows.

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Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

25 rib-tickling jokes that are laugh out loud funny

01/12/2020 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Here’s another batch of short but laugh our loud funny jokes for you dear reader. I hope they give you a few minutes of pleasure to brighten your day.

Today’s laugh out loud funny jokes:

If I’m nobody;
And nobody’s perfect;
Then I must be perfect.

Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.

How do you befriend a squirrel?
Act like a nut.

Why did the lifeguard kick the elephants out of the pool?
Because they kept dropping their trunks.

What do you call a pooch living in Alaska?
A chilly dog.

What do call you a row of bunnies moving backwards?
A receding hare line.

Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper?
Because he had little patients.

What condition does a noodle have when it doesn’t feel it’s good enough?
Impasta syndrome.

Would you like to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
He cried and gave me a big hug.

My wife was complaining that I never take her anywhere expensive.
So I said, “Come on, get in the car we’re going to the petrol station.”

They say 40 is the new 30
But try telling that to a traffic cop.

Relationships are like algebra.
You look at your X and wonder Y.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape!
BREATH!

What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.

You could say it was an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tears.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

A guy assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy.

My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim’s improving.

I own a pencil once owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

People didn’t like having to bend over to get their drinks.
So I decided to raise the bar.

The World Tongue-Twister Champion was up before the judge in court.
I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.

I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.

I hate insects puns.
They really bug me.

I’ve been trying to lose weight.
But it keeps finding me.

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So did these rib-tickling jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

The 30 best bitchy comments that’ll really make you smile

01/11/2020 by Roy Sutton

Ladies, do you ever find yourself in need of some bitchy comments?

Gentlemen, do you have need for a quiver full of little arrows to pierce even the hardest heart?

Having the right comment to respond on those occasions when you need to put someone firmly in their place?

For those occasions when you need to send out a message that says, you mess with me at your peril.

Well here are 30 great bitchy comments, all of which really made me smile.

Bitchy Comments:

You’re wearing that dress for a bet, surely?
She’s not a drinker but she certainly likes a whine.
I don’t need your drama. Go bother someone else.
Hey, balls just called. They want you to grow a pair.
I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you right now.
I’m not responsible for what my face does when you talk.
There are two things I dislike about you girl. Your face!
Yes I am crazy and you’d be unwise to mess with crazy.
Being opinionated is not the same as being informed dear.
OMG! She’s really been bit with the ugly stick, hasn’t she?
Nice dress! Where did you buy it, Dick’s Sporting Goods?
I’ve met some pricks in my time but you’re the full cactus.
I try to see the best in people but you certainly make it hard.
You’re upset with me? So what! I don’t exist just to please you.
I may have multiple personalities but none of them like you.
Oh, there’s a new man in your life. Does he still have his own hair?
If you want to lose weight girl, you could always shave your legs.
What you think of me can’t be half as bad as my opinion of you.
I’d say something complimentary about you but I’m not that dishonest.
I don’t hate you but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
You’re confusing me with someone who cares what you think.
I’m as nice as the next girl until life forces me to unleash the Bitch.
You remind me of a penny. Two faced and not worth much.
I’d beat you with a hammer but you’re not worth the jail time.
You’re such a fake I’m guessing you were made in China.
I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your comprehension.
Feel free to judge me when you’re perfect. Oh, that would be never then.
No, I didn’t intend to offend you. That was just a bonus for which I’m grateful.
Don’t hate me because I’m attractive. Hate me because my boobs are bigger than yours.
Leave sarcasm to the professionals, sweetie. You’ll get hurt if you play with fire.

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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Thank you.

Quotes by Joan Rivers:

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Quotes by Lily Tomlin:

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Quotes by Penny Marshall:

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Quotes by Phyllis Diller:

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Witty One Liners:

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Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

Very Corny Jokes:

1. What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?

2. What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

3. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?

4. Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?

5. What did the big bucket say to the smaller one?

6. What did one hat say to the other?

7. How does a duck buy lipstick?

8. What do you do when you see a spaceman?

9. What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

11. Who does a pharaoh talk to when he’s sad?

12. How much does a pirate pay for corn?

13. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

14. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

15. Why can’t you trust an atom?

16. What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?

17. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

18. How come oysters never donate to charity?

19. Why did the pig leave the party early?

20. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

21. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke.

Please share these very corny jokes:

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Quotes by Groucho Marx:

Marx Brothers Movies:

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Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile:-

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Other articles you’ll find amusing:

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