humor

30 funny dating profile examples or how not to write one

09/21/2021 by Roy Sutton

In days gone by the dating game was simple. You went to a dance on a Saturday night and, with a bit of luck, you met someone nice who was willing to see you again.

Obviously, the modern dating scene is very different. The age of the dating app makes the process difficult, insofar as you don’t get to meet someone unless they like what they see and what you have to say in your profile.

So you need a flattering photo, naturally, as well as a great sales pitch. And it really needs to be a sales pitch because you are actually trying to sell yourself to any potential dates who are checking out your profile.

A good sales pitch should highlight your unique selling proposition and the reasons why you’re a worthy date. Your words should be positive and scream “I’m a great catch, so grab me whilst I’m still available.” In short, your words should be a call to action.

Any decent salesperson could tell you this, so there’s nothing unique in what I’m saying here. You’d think it was obvious, wouldn’t you?

Following the close inspection of a few dating apps, I can tell you that there are plenty of people out there who haven’t helped themselves when they wrote their profiles.

However, whilst such people don’t necessarily do themselves any favours with their profiles, their words have the potential to make us all laugh.

So here are 30 funny dating profile examples that really made me smile. These are from real apps, albeit I wonder whether some were written tongue-in-cheek.

Funny dating profile examples (1-15):

Miserable soul looking for love.
Recovering alcoholic seeking soul mate.
My life’s a car crash, can you make it better?
I’ve just got the all-clear, so I’m ready for love again.
Manic depressive looking for a nice girl to cheer him up.
If you’ve got a fetish for body odour then I’m your man.
I hate men but could you be the one to change my mind?
So far, I’ve had 60 lovers at college, will you be my 61st?
Looking for someone to pay my bills and take care of me.
If you’ll be my meal ticket I’ll be your pampered princess.
My relationships never work out but I’m willing to try again.
Angry bitch looking for that special one to make his life hell.
Don’t think of me as bald, think hairstyle that says minimalism.
If you can handle a drama Queen then I could be the one for you.
Served my sentence for assault and battery. Now looking for love.

Funny dating profile examples (16-30):

If you’ll cook, clean and do my ironing then you’re the girl for me.
I enjoy long walks and candlelit dinners and someone to pay the bill.
Bad teeth, bad breath, body odour and acne but otherwise a great catch.
Had my fun and I’ve got three kids to prove it. So what can you offer me?
If you’re looking for a fixer-upper then I could be the challenge you need.
As long as I always get my own way in every situation, I can be flexible.
I hate everyone, so why should I like you? You’ll need a good story to tell.
If you’re looking for a bird with a lot of troublesome baggage, then I’m your girl.
My mother will always be my first priority but if that works for a girl like you, swipe right.
If you’re looking for someone considerate, kind and caring then you’d better swipe left.
I’ve got all the looks, charm and intelligence anyone could possibly want and I’m modest too.
With three kids and one on the way, I’m looking for a father for them. Could you be the one?
I can be difficult, jealous, sarcastic and moody. Could you be the one to make me happy?
You could be my down-time, my spare-time, my part-time, and my sometime. Someone I turn to when I’ve nothing better to do.
Bald man with no job, no money, no prospects and living with his parents is looking for a good woman with her own house and car. Could you be the one?

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny dating profile examples made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

25 brilliant one-liner quotes guaranteed to raise a smile

09/20/2021 by Roy Sutton

Here are 25 brilliant one-liner quotes guaranteed to raise a smile. I loved them all and I’m confident you will too. Enjoy!

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

Everything’s difficult before it’s easy.
I do all my own stunts but never intentionally.
Don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
Your secret’s safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
If only we could invoice people for wasting our time.
I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.
Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery.
Sarcasm is just punching people in the face with words.
The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.
You never know what you’ve got until you clean your room.
Be like the postage stamp. Stick to a thing until you get there.
I intended to behave but there were so many other options.
If Cinderella’s shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
Revenge sounds so mean. I prefer to call it returning the favour.
They say nothing’s impossible but I’ve been doing nothing all day.
I’m still waiting for the wisdom I was assured would come with age.
If one door opens when another closes, your house is probably haunted.
You know it’s time to move on when the best part of your job is a chair that swivels.
If you want your children to listen to you, try talking in a very low voice to someone else.
If you’re going to get into trouble for hitting someone, you might as well hit them hard.
People who can’t find time for rest and recreation will be forced to make time for illness, sooner or later.
All I’m saying officer is that if you caught me then you must have been speeding too and no one’s above the law.
When you get angry take a deep breath and count to 10. Then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

Enjoyed these one-liners? Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

3 funny stories to tell your friends in the bar

09/18/2021 by Roy Sutton

Dear reader, are you looking for some funny stories to tell your friends in the bar or at parties? If you want to be popular, always having a joke or two to tell your friends is a great way to achieve it.

So enjoy these funny jokes and feel free to pass them on.

Funny stories to tell your friends:

1. Pythagoras pun:

A medieval king was hunting in Africa, and he killed a lion, an elephant and a hippopotamus.

Returning to his kingdom, he awarded the hides from these animals to his three squires. In turn, these three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became increasingly jealous of the Hippo Squire because he possessed, what to them was, the most treasured of the three hides.

So these two jealous squires hatched a plot to kill the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them.

Now the Lion Squire had ten sons and the Elephant Squire had six sons, whilst the Hippo Squire was childless. So the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent their sixteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire and return with the prized hide.

However, in the ensuing battle, the Hippo Squire single-handedly managed to kill all sixteen of the sons.

Thus it is proved that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.

2. Yearning for a child:

Two women are sitting in their doctor’s waiting room and they begin discussing babies.

“I’m desperate to have a baby,” said the first woman. “However I’m starting to think it’ll never happen.”

“I used to think like that,” said the other woman. “But then everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’ll be having my baby in four months.”

“Wow!” said the first woman. “How did it all change for you?

”I went to see a faith healer,” her companion responded.

“Oh,” said the first woman. “My husband and I did try that but unfortunately it didn’t help at all.”

Her pregnant companion smiled, then moved closer to her and whispered, “Next time, try going alone.“

3. Hunting season:

A truck driver hauling a load of computers stops at a roadside diner in California for a coffee and some lunch.

As he enters the diner he notices a sign which says, NO COMPUTER NERDS ALLOWED IN HERE – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK in large red letters.

As the trucker takes his seat at the counter, a stern-looking waitress looks at him suspiciously and then says, “Now listen here buddy, I can smell computers on you. I hope you’re not a nerd.”

“No, mam,” the trucker responds. “I’m hauling a consignment of computers today, so I guess some of their smell has rubbed off on me.”

“Well that’s just fine then,” says the waitress, pouring him a cup of coffee.

As the trucker is taking his first sip of coffee, a skinny guy walks into the diner. He’s wearing black-rimmed glasses, held together with tape, and he’s got a row of pens and pencils in his breast pocket.

Without saying a word, the stern-looking waitress pulls a shotgun from behind the counter and she shoots this skinny guy dead.

The trucker is stunned by what he’s just witnessed. “What did you do that for?” he asks the waitress.

“Don’t worry, sir,” the waitress responds. “Computer Nerds are in season right now because they’re over-populating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license to shoot them.”

So, the trucker finishes his lunch and sets off to complete his delivery.

However, he’s just driving onto Interstate 5 when he has to serve violently to avoid a collision with another vehicle.

As he brings his truck back under control, the back door to his truck bursts open and computers spill all over the highway.

He stops his truck but before he can get around the back, there are computer nerds everywhere gathering up computers and running off with them.

Well, the trucker can’t afford to have his load stolen right from under his nose, so he grabs a shotgun he keeps in his cab and then he shoots several of the nerds dead.

Within seconds a Highway Patrol car has pulled up and the police officer jumps out and orders the trucker to stop shooting at once.

“Why?” says the trucker. “I thought computer nerds were in season.”

“They are,” says the cop, “but you’re not allowed to bait ‘em.”

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did any of these funny stories to tell your friends actually make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

33 amusing one-liners that’ll raise a smile or make you cringe

09/16/2021 by Roy Sutton

If you love amusing and witty one-liners then you might just enjoy today’s post.

There are 33 little gems here that should tickle you, a little at least.

Either that or they might just make you cringe.

Yes, it’s true, a few are corny. Nevertheless, I hope they give you a laugh.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Amusing One-liners (1-11):

As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

Why was it so hot at the ballpark after the game? All the fans left.
I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
The perfect solution for keeping Brownies fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.

Amusing One-liners (23-33):

My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
The sweater I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.”
I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!”
A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these one-liners amusing? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, just click on the links below.

5 short funny stories for adults that’ll raise a smile

09/15/2021 by Roy Sutton

If you’ve been searching for some short funny stories for adults then here are five that will raise a smile, I’m sure.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Short funny stories for adults:

1. The lions and the lamp:

Three hungry lions are wandering across the Serengeti National Park in search of food when they stumble upon an old oil lamp.

Having never seen one before, and being naturally curious, they start sniffing around it. As they’re doing this, one of their tails brushes against the lamp and then there’s a ‘Poof!’ sound.’ A genie is suddenly standing in front of them.

“Lions,” says the genie, “I’m the genie of the lamp and I’ll grant you three wishes. That’s one wish for each of you.”

The first lion’s so hungry he doesn’t need to think very hard.

“I would like a big, juicy piece of meat please,” he says.

Poof! In a flash, there’s the biggest, juiciest piece of meat lying on the ground in front of him.

Well, it’s the turn of the second lion and he’s so hungry he decides he wants even more.

“I want a shower of meat, please,” he says.

Poof! In a flash, there are big, juicy pieces of meat falling from the sky.

Not wishing to be outdone by his friends, the third lion thinks hard for a second or two.

“Got it!” he says. “I want a meatier shower!”

2. Parents know best:

Two young brothers, Will and Jack had very different, extreme personalities.

Their parents quickly realized that Will was a born optimist, whilst Jack was a real pessimist.

So being concerned about them both, their parents decided to take them to see a child psychologist.

The psychologist thought the parents were overreacting and tried to reassure them.

“Mr and Mrs Smith,” he said, “I’m sure you’re exaggerating. I’m happy to review their behaviour for you but I’ll be surprised if your boys are any different to any other young kids.”

In an attempt to allay their fears, he then took Jack into a room filled with the most exciting toys any child could possibly imagine.

Naturally, the psychologist expected to see Jack play with all these toys enthusiastically.

However, Jack just burst into tears.

“What’s the matter?” asked the psychologist. “Don’t you want to play with all these wonderful toys?”

“No!” Jack responded. “I might break them and then I’ll be in big trouble.”

Well, the psychologist was surprised by Jack’s extreme pessimism but he just couldn’t believe that both boys would be quite so different.

So, he decides to take Will into another room.

This room is filled from floor to ceiling with horse manure.

Naturally, the psychologist was expecting Jack to be completely repulsed by the experience.

However, Will was in his element and he quickly started digging at the manure with his bare hands.

“What are you doing?” asked the psychologist. “Why are you digging?”

“With all this manure,” replied Will, “there’s got to be a horse here somewhere!”

Moral of the Story: No one knows kids better than their parents.

3. The new teacher:

A new teacher is sitting with her 6^th grade class for the first time.

Naturally, she’s keen to apply all the techniques she’s learned in her teacher training, and in particular, she’s keen to use what she’s learned in her psychology class.

She stands in front of her class and says, “Right children, everyone who thinks they’re stupid, please stand up.”

Well, for a few minutes there’s silence and no one stands up.

However, just then Little Johnny bravely gets to his feet.

The teacher smiles and says, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?”

“No mam,” Johnny responded, “but it’s not fair, you standing there all on your own.”

4. On the Starship Enterprise:

On the Starship Enterprise, Captain Kirk is chatting with Doctor Spock one day.

“Spock,” says Captain Kirk, “you always remain calm and good-natured, even when you’re talking to people who are obviously far less intelligent than you. How do you do it?”

“Well, Jim,” says Spock. “I convey my contempt for people I consider inferior to me by simply agreeing with whatever they say.”

“Really?” says Captain Kirk. “That’s absolutely ridiculous!”

“I completely agree with you, Jim,” Spock responded with a smile.

5. Telling the time:

Two old Army buddies, Jim and Pete, are sitting up late at night enjoying a bottle of the finest Scotch and reminiscing about old times in foreign places.

They’ve been drinking all evening and they’re starting to get a little tipsy, to say the least.

Eventually, Jim asks, “What time is it?”

To which Pete responds, “I don’t know but give me your old bugle.”

“Why?” Jim asks. “How can you tell the time with a bugle?”

“It’s easy,” says Pete. “Just watch me.”

Jim passes him the bugle and Pete starts playing Reveille very, very loudly.

Within seconds a voice shouts from the floor above, “Who the hell’s playing the bugle at one o’clock in the morning?”

Please share this post with your friends:

Dear reader, did any of these short funny stories for adults make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

33 irony and sarcasm quotes that subtly convey contempt

09/14/2021 by Roy Sutton

People can be challenging at times, can’t they? Sometimes they really do get to be too much. So there are times when we all need to use a little irony and sarcasm to subtly convey our contempt.

We can’t live without people, of course, but they can drive us all nuts at times, can’t they? Well, maybe that’s just me?

Actually, I love people. At least, most of the time, anyway.

However, I also like to have my little stock of sarcastic remarks, retorts and put-downs ready to use when I need them. And occasionally we all need them, surely?

So today I thought I’d share with you 33 irony and sarcasm quotes that subtly convey contempt.

Read them. Enjoy them. And I hope at least some of them make you smile.

And if you’re ever in a situation that warrants a biting comeback then you’ll be well-prepared. I hope so anyway.

Irony and Sarcasm:

You go, girl! And please don’t come back.
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
Those who laugh last think slowest.
Nothing gives me greater pleasure than your absence.
It’s obvious that in your profession being stupid is not a handicap.
Look I’m really busy right now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Is being stupid your profession or are you simply gifted that way?
If you’re ever given the keys to the City then the City will need to change the locks.
How is it that when you see light at the end of the tunnel you always manage to extend the tunnel?
If ignorance is bliss then you should be the happiest guy on the planet.
To err is human but to blame it on others, now that’s the art of politics.
I’d say something polite but that might encourage you to hang around and that would be more than I could bear today.
They said this was a job anyone could do and now I’ve met you, I know that to be true.
You’re living proof that inability is not necessarily a liability in the job market.
I didn’t vote for you, I voted to stop your opponent from gaining power.
Sorry for the pause but I was trying to imagine you with a personality.
When you say something worth hearing I’ll listen but I doubt that’ll happen any time soon.
Look I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you. You’ve got to do some of the heavy-lifting yourself.
Did my opinion offend you? You should hear the opinions I keep to myself.
I do try to see things from your point of view but your point of view is so stupid.
If what I said is a problem for you then perhaps you could write it down on a piece of paper and then shove that piece of paper right up your ass.
You’re reading that book to look good, surely? Certainly, as far as I can tell, you lack the brains to understand it.
You’re one of those people who manage to spread a little misery wherever you go.
I’d enlighten you if I could but I’m not a magician.
You’re living proof that light travels faster than sound. You appeared quite bright until I heard what you said.
It wasn’t my intention to offend you when I called you stupid. I just assumed you knew that already.
Are you really that stingy or do you just have extremely short arms and very deep pockets?
If laughter is the best medicine then your face is the cure for every illness known to man.
I’m not listening but please keep talking. Why wouldn’t I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed?
Not all girls are made from sugar and spice and everything nice. Some are made from sarcasm and wine and everything fine.
You may lack the power of conversation but unfortunately, you don’t lack the power of speech.
If it looked like I give a damn then allow me to apologize for giving you the wrong impression.
I’m not sarcastic by nature; I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these irony and sarcasm quotes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

21 best puns ever and guaranteed to make you smile

09/12/2021 by Roy Sutton

I love wordplay, especially that form of wordplay that exploits multiple meanings of words for humorous effect.

I think clever puns are brilliant, which is why I’ve been searching the Internet for some of the best ones.

Here of 21 of the best puns I’ve found, so let me know what you think.

As always when searching the net for wit and wisdom, it’s difficult to confirm the original author. Should you be one of them dear reader then please let me know. That way I can give you full credit for your brilliance.

Best puns ever:

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
I hate peer pressure and you should too.
Ladies, if he doesn’t appreciate your fruit jokes, let that mango.
I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
I’m a born pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she’s a keeper.
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where’s the bartender?”
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well, it’s just gathering dust.
What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
A cop knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes but my dogs don’t even own bikes.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. That must be a milestone.
To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing.
This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that’s a nice Jester.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda then I realised it was just a Fanta sea.
A wife shouted to her husband that moose were falling from the sky. No, it’s just reindeer, he responded.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns but I realized that toucan play at that game.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these the best puns ever? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

3 funny joke stories that’ll raise a smile in any social gathering

09/08/2021 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for funny joke stories to tell your friends in the bar after work then here are three you’ll really enjoy.

I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two, so please feel free to pass them on.

Funny joke stories:

1. Rick and the Biker:

Rick is sitting at the counter in a roadside bar in Austin staring at his drink when a very large and mean-looking biker is suddenly standing right next to him. The biker grabs Rick’s, as yet, untouched drink and swallows it in one gulp.

“That tasted real good boy,” said the biker, punching Rick on the shoulder. “So, what are you going do about it?”

Well, Rick just bursts into tears.

“Oh, man-up,” says the biker. “I can’t stand seeing a man crying. What’s your problem, buddy?”

“This is the worst day of my life,” Rick responds. “I’m a complete failure. I missed my sales targets again this month and I got fired. When I left the office, I discovered that my car had been stolen from the parking lot and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I had to take to get home. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with the mailman. And then my dog bit me.”

The biker’s attitude towards Rick softened a little.

“I came into this bar to work up enough courage to end it all,” Rick continued. “I bought my drink and dropped a Strychnine capsule into it. The capsule has just fully dissolved when you showed up and swallowed the whole damn drink in one gulp.”

Rick paused momentarily and then said, “Anyway, enough about me. How’s your day going?”

2. Father Murphy and Samson:

A Roman Catholic priest, Father Murphy, is driving through North Carolina on his way to Wilmington.

Suddenly his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. However he’s fairly close to a farm, so he decides to see whether the farmer can help him.

Father Murphy finds the farmer, who’s ploughing one of his fields.

“Sir,” said Father Murphy. “I’m on my way to Wilmington and my car’s broken down. Can you help me?”

“I’m sorry but there’s no one around here who can help you fix your car Father,” says the farmer. “However, I could lend you one of my horses.”

“Well, beggars can’t be choosers,” Father Murphy responds. “So, I appreciate your help and I’ll gladly accept your offer.”

“OK,” says the farmer. “You can take Samson. He’s a good Christian horse.”

“Really,” Father Murphy responds. “How can you tell he’s Christian?”

“Well, if you want Samson to move forward, you have to say Praise the Lord,” says the farmer. “And if you want him to stop you have to say Amen.”

The priest sets off on Samson but very quickly he’s forgotten the farmer’s instructions. Then a few miles down the road, the horse is spooked when a car backfires with a loud bang.

The horse bolts and is galloping at speed towards the edge of a cliff. Father Murphy is struggling to gain control of Samson.

“STOP, STOP, SSSTTTTOOOPPPPP!” yells the priest.

Seeing nothing is working, Father Murphy starts reciting the Lord’s Prayer out loud, in the hope he might benefit from some divine intervention from the good Lord above.

As he gets to the end of the prayer, naturally Father Murphy says, “Amen!”

They’re at the very edge of the cliff at this point when suddenly the horse stops just in time to avoid a very long fall down to the jagged rocks far below.

Father Murphy breathes a sigh of relief that God has answered his prayer and he says, “Praise the Lord!”

3. The rat and the frog:

A guy walks into a Manhattan bar and he says to the bartender, “Hey buddy, if I show you a really good trick will you give me a free drink?”

“Well,” says the bartender, “if it’s really good I will.”

So the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small rat.

He then reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano with a tiny piano stool.

He sits the rat at the piano and it then proceeds to play the Scott Joplin classic, The Entertainer.

“Wow, that’s impressive,” says the bartender, giving the guy his free drink.

The man takes a sip at his ice-cold beer and then he says to the bartender, “If I can show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks all night?”

“Listen, buddy, I can’t see how you’ll top that,” says the bartender, “but if you can, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a tiny frog. The frog then begins to sing, accompanied by the rat playing Hit the Road, Jack.

As the guy’s enjoying his free drinks, a stranger who’d been watching the performance walks up to him and says, “I’ll give you “$100,000 for the frog.”

“The frog’s not for sale,” the guy responds.

“How about $250,000?” the stranger asks.

“No, the frog’s not for sale,” the guy responds

“OK,” says the stranger. “I’ll give you $500,000 for the frog. That’s my last offer.”

“You’ve got yourself a deal, mister,” says the guy, giving the stranger the frog once the money’s been transferred to his bank account, via the stranger’s smartphone.

Having watched the transaction, the bartender says to the guy, “You must be nuts letting the frog go for $500,000. It’s got to be worth millions.”

The guy smiled and said, “Not really.”

“What do you mean?” asked the bartender.

“Well,” the guy responds, “the rat’s a ventriloquist.

Please share this post with your friends:

Dear reader, did these funny joke stories make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

15 amusing quotes by Spike Milligan to make you smile

09/06/2021 by Roy Sutton

I love to read amusing quotes by Spike Milligan. He was undoubtedly a man with a funny bone.

In case you’re not familiar with his name, Spike Milligan was a funny, irreverent and much-loved comedian and staple of British television and radio for many years in the post-war era and right up until his death in 2002.

Born Terence Alan Milligan in India, he was the son of a British Army Captain of Irish descent and an English mother.

In addition to being a wonderful comic performer, probably best known for his work with the Goon Show, he was also a successful writer, poet, playwright and actor.

Though he spent much of his early life in India, the majority of his adult life was spent in the United Kingdom.

However, when the Commonwealth Immigrants Act removed Indian-born Milligan’s automatic right to British citizenship in 1962, despite his own service in the British Army as well as his father’s, he became an Irish citizen, exercising a right conferred through his Irish-born father.

I think he was a genuinely funny man and to prove it, here are 15 of his razor-sharp quips. Enjoy them all.

Quotes by Spike Milligan:

All men are cremated equal. ~Spike Milligan
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. ~Spike Milligan
I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. ~Spike Milligan
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? ~Spike Milligan
Money couldn’t buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy. ~Spike Milligan
I’m a hero with coward’s legs. ~Spike Milligan
How long was I in the army? Five-foot eleven. ~Spike Milligan
I turned and rubbed my hands with glee. I always keep a tin of glee handy. ~Spike Milligan
I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Spike Milligan
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~Spike Milligan
Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death. ~Spike Milligan
I can speak Esperanto like a native. ~Spike Milligan
A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherd’s Bush. ~Spike Milligan
A family man from Siberia; As a father was very inferior; But one operation; Revised the situation; And now he’s Mother Superior. ~Spike Milligan
And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. ~Spike Milligan

Please share with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Spike Milligan amusing?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share this post on social media with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated.

Thank you.

21 brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and very witty

09/05/2021 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and witty then today I’ve got 21 of them for you.

They are made me smile and I hope at least a few of them will make you smile too.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

I did have a handle on life, but it’s broken.
No, I can’t offer you a solution, but I can offer a sarcastic remark.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
I don’t like jokes about the unemployed because none of them works.
Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they’re getting.
Do people really practise yoga every day? It sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
If you think television can insult your intelligence, nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Letting go of a loved one is hard unless you’re trying to survive a rock climbing accident.
Have you heard about the new game for Generation Z kids’? It’s called ‘I spy with my little iPhone’.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Worrying can solve your problems. I know because 99 per cent of the things I worry about never happen.
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
I was knocked off the donkey I was riding when someone threw a rock at me. I was literally stoned off my ass.
You might be tempted to fight fire with fire, but you should remember this, the fire department prefers to use water.
If you give a man a fish you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
I’m told money can’t buy me happiness but, surely being miserable in a Mercedes beats being miserable on the bus?
So what, if the early bird gets the worm? It’s better to be the second mouse and get the cheese. Worm or cheese? No contest!
A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of Jack Daniel’s. The bartender said, ‘I’m sorry buddy but we don’t serve spirits in here.’
If you want proof that light travels faster than sound, you only have to look at people who appear bright until they open their mouths.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these brilliant one-liner quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Funny dating profile examples (1-15):

Funny dating profile examples (16-30):

Please share this post:

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Funny stories to tell your friends:

1. Pythagoras pun:

2. Yearning for a child:

3. Hunting season:

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Amusing One-liners (1-11):

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

Please share this post with your friends:

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Short funny stories for adults:

1. The lions and the lamp:

2. Parents know best:

3. The new teacher:

4. On the Starship Enterprise:

Please share this post with your friends:

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Irony and Sarcasm:

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Best puns ever:

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Funny joke stories:

1. Rick and the Biker:

2. Father Murphy and Samson:

3. The rat and the frog:

Please share this post with your friends:

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Quotes by Spike Milligan:

Please share with your friends:

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

Other articles that might appeal to you:

SEARCH Google

Recent Posts

Archives