25 clever one-liners that’ll make you smile

clever one-linersIf you’re anything like me dear reader then you’ll love clever one-liners. I’m constantly collecting them in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share with you some of the best ones I’ve come across recently.

I found them all hilarious and I’m confident that you will enjoy them too.

Please share them with your friends, but not until you’ve had the chance to have a laugh.

Clever one-liners:

  1. I’d like to start with the chimney jokes. I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. ~Tim Vine
  2. Exit signs? They’re on the way out! ~Tim Vine
  3. I hate sitting in traffic because I always get run over. ~Milton Jones
  4. Conjunctivitis.com: That’s a site for sore eyes. ~Tim Vine
  5. Hedgehogs: Why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski
  6. My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. ~Sarah Millican
  7. The toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door. ~Bill Bailey
  8. I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~Ken Dodd
  9. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. ~Tom Ward
  10. My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off. ~Milton Jones
  11. My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter. ~Tim Vine
  12. The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. ~Demetri Martin
  13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. ~Tommy Cooper
  14. I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper. Dicing with death. ~Tim Vine
  15. It’s hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not. ~Milton Jones
  16. A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. ~Peter Kay
  17. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job; especially if you’ve got hayfever. ~Milton Jones
  18. Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” said the barman. ~Author Unknown
  19. Do you know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee. ~Milton Jones
  20. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  21. This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’ ~Tim Vine
  22. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied: ‘Put some cold in then.’ – Harry Hill
  23. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess. ~Matt Kirshen
  24. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?” ~Author Unknown
  25. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’ ~Tim Vine

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If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

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