3 funny jokes to tell your friends to make them laugh

funny-jokes-to-tell-your-friendsIf you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends then look no further. Here are three little gems that are guaranteed to raise a smile.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. Challenging times:

When Jim arrived home one day, he was met at his front door by his wife, Elaine. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

What’s the matter, honey?” asked Jim.

It’s the pharmacist,” Elaine responded. “He insulted me terribly when I spoke with him on the phone earlier.”

Naturally, Jim drove downtown immediately to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before Jim could say more than a few words the pharmacist interrupted him.

Sir, please just listen to my side of the story first,” said the pharmacist.

Go on then, I’m listening,” said Jim sharply.

Well, this morning,” said the pharmacist, “my alarm failed to go off and so I was late getting up. I missed breakfast and hurried to my car. However, as I slammed my front door, I then realised that it had locked with the keys to the house and the car inside. So, I had to break a window to get back in the house to get my keys.

But how does that explain the way you spoke to my wife,” asked Jim.

Sir, I’m getting to that,” said the pharmacist. “Naturally, having broken a window, I had to board it up before I left. That made me even later. So, I was speeding in my car, in an attempt to make up the time, but a cop stopped me and I got a speeding ticket. Then three blocks from my store I got a flat tire.

So, you were unfortunate, so what?” Jim responds.

I lost more time changing the wheel on my car,” the pharmacist continued, “and then when I got to my store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open. They were unhappy but I served them as quickly as I could, despite their moaning at me, and all the time the phone was ringing off the hook.”

Fine, but how does that explain your treatment of my wife,” asks Jim.

Well, the pressure didn’t end there,” the pharmacist continued. “To give a customer change, I had to break a roll of nickels but they spilt out of my hands, all over the floor. I get down on my knees to pick up all the nickels and the phone is still ringing. Then, I’m getting up off my knees only to crack my head on the open cash register. I then fell backwards against I showcase of expensive perfume bottles. They all hit the floor and there was glass smashed everywhere. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing.

So, what did you do then,” asked Jim.

Well, finally, I had no choice but to answer the phone,” said the pharmacist. “It was your wife and she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And I can honestly say mister, all I did was tell her!

2. Misunderstanding:

My wife and I were all dressed up and ready to go out for an evening of dinner and theatre. However, having been burgled previously, naturally, we were security conscious. So we turned on a night light and put our cat out in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we were walking out of our front door when our cat Milly shot back in again and ran up the stairs.

Unfortunately, Milly liked to chase our pet parakeet, so the two of them couldn’t be left alone in the house together.

So, my wife went back into the house to catch the cat and put it back outside again.

Naturally, security-conscious as ever, I didn’t want the cab driver to know our house would be empty, so I told him that my wife had just gone inside momentarily to say good night to her mother.

A few minutes later my wife got into the cab looking very hot and bothered.

Sorry, it took so long,” she said. “The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then she tried to take off again, so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. So, she’d better not crap on my vegetable garden whilst we’re out!

The look on the cab driver’s face was priceless.

3. Communication breakdown:

Judge Bernstein was interviewing an elderly lady regarding her pending divorce.

So, Mrs Thompson,” said Judge Bernstein, “what are the grounds for your divorce?

About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by,” replied Mrs Thompson.

No,” he said the judge, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?

Oh,” Mrs Thompson responded, “it’s made of wood, slate, brick and mortar.”

No, no,” said the judge, “I mean, what are your relations like?

Well,” she Mrs Thompson, “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my husband.

Mrs Thompson, do you have a real grudge?” the judge asked warily.

No, your honour,” replied Mrs Thompson. “We have a two-car carport.”

The judge tried once again, “Please, Mrs Thompson, is there any infidelity in your marriage?

Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “Both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”

Mam, please,” said the judge. “Does your husband ever beat you up?

Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “He gets up earlier than I do on Saturdays when he’s playing golf.

Finally, the judge cannot contain his frustration any longer.

Lady, why do you want a divorce?” he asks.

Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” Mrs Thompson replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can’t communicate with me!

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these funny jokes to tell your friends? Were they as funny as you’d hoped they would be, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I’ll be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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3 funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two

funny-jokes-for-everyoneHere are three very funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two today.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny jokes for everyone:

1. The subtle art of getting even:

Seventeen-year-old Brandon arrived home one day driving a fabulous Porsche 917K sports car.

Naturally, for his parents witnessing his arrival, this was a jaw-dropping moment.

Where the hell did you get that car, Brandon?” asks his father. “Did you steal it?

No, Dad,” replies Brandon. “I bought it.”

Brandon,” says his mother, “a car like that would cost in excess of $10 million. How could you possibly have bought it?

Oh, mum, you’re exaggerating,” says Brandon. “It only cost me fifteen dollars.

Fifteen dollars!” exclaims his father. “Who’d be mad enough to sell you a car like that for fifteen dollars?

It was Mrs Jones who lives in that large mansion on my paper route,” replies Brandon. “She saw me on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

Well, Brandon’s mother and father felt compelled to pay Mrs Jones a visit.

When Mrs Jones answered the knock on her door, Brandon’s father was quick with his questions, “Why would you sell my son a classic sports car for fifteen dollars? What the hell is going on?

It’s very simple, really,” Mrs Jones replied. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. He told me he’d decided to run off for a new life in Hawaii with his secretary. He said he wasn’t coming back and he asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So I did.

2. Senior moment:

funny-jokes-for-everyoneBetty, an elderly Florida lady, had been doing her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

Being the feisty lady that she was, she dropped her shopping to the floor and then grabbed a Smith & Wesson 5906 from her purse and shouted as loud as she could, “Yes, I’m armed; yes, it’s loaded; and yes, I know how to use it! Get out of the car punks!

The four young men could see that this wasn’t a lady to be messed with, so they got out of the car and ran like hell.

Feisty as she was, naturally, Betty was still a little shaken by her experience and the adrenaline was definitely pumping through her veins.

She loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car, and then she got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she couldn’t get her key into the ignition.

Well, she tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason that she was suddenly wondering why was there a football, a Frisbee and two 6-packs of beer on the rear seat?

Suddenly, it dawned on her that her own car was actually located seven spaces farther along the parking line.

Oh dear!” she exclaimed to herself

So, she transferred her shopping into her own car and then she drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four very pale young men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, curly white hair, who was armed and dangerous.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story: If you’re going to have a senior moment, make it memorable.

3. Medical cover:

Jim was out shopping in his local mall one day.

He’s browsing in a store when suddenly he suffers a serious heart attack.

Naturally, as soon as the clerks see Jim collapse on the floor, they called 911.

Within minutes paramedics are on the scene and Jim’s rushed to the nearest hospital, where he undergoes emergency open-heart, bypass surgery.

A few hours later, Jim is awakened from his surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

Sister Philomena, a young nun, is seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.

Sir,” says Sister Philomena. “I know this is a difficult moment for you but I need to ask you, who is going to pay for your treatment? Do you have health insurance?

No mam, I don’t have any health insurance,” Jim responds, almost whispering.

Well then, do you have any money in the bank?” asks Sister Philomena.

No mam, I don’t have any money in the bank either,” Jim responds, once again, in an almost inaudible whisper.

Starting to get a little concerned, Sister Philomena asks, “Do you have any relatives who could help you with the payments?

Well, I only have a spinster sister but she’s a nun,” Jim responds.

Sister Philomena is really irritated by this insensitive comment and she announces loudly, for everyone to hear, “Sir, nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!

Well then, that’s perfect,” says Jim. “You’ll be able to send the bill to my brother-in-law.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these funny jokes for everyone? Were they as funny as you’d hoped they would be, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I’ll be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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15 Quotes by Penny Marshall to inspire you

Penny MarshallThe late film director, producer and actress Penny Marshall was a great talent and I’m sure she’s missed by all who knew her well.

Penny Marshall rose to fame in the 1970s with her role in the hit US television sitcom Laverne & Shirley.

Playing the role of Laverne DeFazio, she was funny and she created a character that has proved to be one of the standout comedy characters from the golden age of situation comedy.

If you’re not familiar with the sitcom Laverne & Shirley then there are plenty of clips available on YouTube to give you an idea of how good it was back in the day.

You might also find this ABC News tribute to Penny Marshall well worth a couple of minutes of your time:-

In recent years there has been an improvement in the availability of opportunities for women, particularly in show-business. And of course, that’s how it should be.

However, we have to admire those strong and talented women from previous generations who managed to succeed at their chosen profession, despite a system that was rigged against them. And in Penny Marshall women had a great role model.

She managed to become a successful director of films, an area of entertainment which is still heavily dominated by men to this day.

She was clearly a very smart lady. So here are 15 quotes by Penny Marshall which reflect her personal philosophy.

Quotes by Penny Marshall:

  1. I think everyone’s mother is slightly nuts. ~Penny Marshall
  2. My family is well and that’s what’s important. ~Penny Marshall
  3. I want you to laugh and cry. That’s what I do. ~Penny Marshall
  4. I wasn’t like a girly girl. I was a tomboy. ~Penny Marshall
  5. If you’re not having a good time, find something else that gives you some joy in life. ~Penny Marshall
  6. I have a strange combination of fearlessness and massive insecurity. ~Penny Marshall
  7. In my opinion, life’s more important than show business. ~Penny Marshall
  8. When I’m working, I’m obsessively working. ~Penny Marshall
  9. I do feel it’s important to entertain people. I try to. ~Penny Marshall
  10. The truth is that I’m not a frump. I just enjoy being laid back. ~Penny Marshall
  11. I would much rather feel comfortable and feel beautiful than to feel uncomfortable, but look fantastic. ~Penny Marshall
  12. Once I commit to something, I complete it. If I say ‘No,’ I mean ‘No.’ I just have to learn how to say ‘No’ more. ~Penny Marshall
  13. I’ll try anything. What are they gonna do, kick me out of show business? ~Penny Marshall
  14. Movie stars are insecure like everyone else. That’s why they go into acting! ~Penny Marshall
  15. Look at YouTube, how many talented people there are. It’s a whole new world of how to express yourself. I don’t know how to work that world but take advantage of it. ~Penny Marshall

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Penny Marshall interesting and inspirational dear reader?

You did? I hope so.

If that is the case then please share them with your friends on social media. When you share everyone wins.

So share them now. If you can do that for me I really would be ever so grateful.

Thank you.

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25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up

jokes-to-cheer-someone-upToday I offer you 25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up. If you know someone in serious need of a smile or two then some of these might just make them laugh.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all and then pick the best ones and see if you can get a good laugh from your friends.

Even if it’s only a groan you get in return, it will probably lift peoples’ spirits, at the very least.

Jokes to cheer someone up: (1 – 12)

  1. If at first you don’t succeed then don’t try skydiving.
  2. If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?
  3. I never like taking selfies of myself in the shower. The photos turn out blurry and I have selfie steam issues.
  4. You should keep your voice down in cornfields because there are so many ears.
  5. I used to be a watchmaker. I loved the job because I made my own hours.
  6. If your guy doesn’t like fresh fruit puns, let the mango.
  7. I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.
  8. Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen.
  9. I tried the Vegan diet for a week but it was a huge miss steak.
  10. Apparently you can’t use BEEFSTEW as a password because it’s not Stroganoff.
  11. I was listening to classical music on the television but it wasn’t to my taste. Far too much sax and violins.
  12. Did you hear about the watchmaker who became a gardener? He ended up with too much thyme on his hands.

Jokes to cheer someone up: (13 – 25)

  1. I made a movie about diarrhoea. It’s been released everywhere.
  2. Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars were all in the same bar. They didn’t planet that way.
  3. You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish. Unless you play bass, then you can play all the scales.
  4. So many people are anti-vaccination but I think they should give it a shot.
  5. I saw an advert in the newspaper for burial plots. I thought that’s the last thing I need.
  6. My girlfriend bet me $100 that I couldn’t build a car from spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
  7. I went to Mount Rushmore and I was probably the only visitor unimpressed. I just took it for granite.
  8. Can someone recommend a better way of clearing frost from my windshield? I used a discount card but I only got 20% off.
  9. My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl. “I didn’t know he could!” was my reply.
  10. A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun. I was told that he’s fully recovered now.
  11. My wife’s in hospital after eating a daffodil bulb. She’ll be out in the spring.
  12. Lance is no longer a common name but in medieval times, men were named Lance a lot.
  13. There’s a new GPS device designed for seniors. It tells you how to get where you want to go and then reminds you why you wanted to go there.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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21 Extracts from funny complaints letters to make you smile

funny-complaints-lettersUnfortunate but true, people living in social housing tend to be at the lower end of the socio-economic scale. They often have limited education, so tend to be less articulate as well. The result for local councils can be some very funny complaints letters at times.

In Britain, local councils are the focal point for the provision of social housing, and they are the main recipients for what frequently turn out to be some funny complaints letters.

To illustrate my point, here are some extracts from funny complaints letters sent to local councils in Britain. All very innocent remarks, of course, but I’m sure the housing officers receiving these letters couldn’t resist a chuckle or two.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

Funny complaints letters (1-10):

  1. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
  2. It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
  3. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  4. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
  5. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
  6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
  7. Their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
  8. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
  9. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.
  10. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

Funny complaints letters (11-21):

  1. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
  2. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
  3. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it’s a funny colour and not fit to drink.
  4. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  5. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
  6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
  7. The next-door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
  8. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
  9. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
  10. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
  11. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Funny Complaints LettersPlease share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these funny complaints letters? Were they are funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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15 quotes by Lily Tomlin that are sharp and witty

Quotes-by-Lily-TomlinOne of the greatest American comic personalities has to be Lily Tomlin in my opinion.

Born Mary Jean Tomlin in 1939, I think she’s up there with the very best female comedians like Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller and could give any of America’s funny men a serious run for their money too.

She is in fact an actress, comedian, writer, singer and producer and has had a successful career stretching back to the 1960s.

Here are 15 quotes by Lily Tomlin to underline my point.

Quotes by Lily Tomlin:

  1. We are all in this together, by ourselves. ~Lily Tomlin
  2. The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin
  3. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin
  4. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. ~Lily Tomlin
  5. I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. ~Lily Tomlin
  6. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. ~Lily Tomlin
  7. Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest then we can all die laughing. ~Lily Tomlin
  8. Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. ~Lily Tomlin
  9. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. ~Lily Tomlin
  10. The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~Lily Tomlin
  11. We’re all in this alone. ~Lily Tomlin
  12. I guess if people couldn’t profit from war I don’t think there would be war. ~Lily Tomlin
  13. Ninety-eight per cent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two per cent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. ~Lily Tomlin
  14. When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime, and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. ~Lily Tomlin
  15. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ~Lily Tomlin

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Lily Tomlin as interesting and inspirational as you’d hoped dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful. Thank you.

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5 entertaining jokes guaranteed to raise a laugh or two

entertaining-jokesIf you enjoy entertaining jokes then here are five that I’m confident will make you smile.

Enjoy them all and share them all with your friends.

Entertaining jokes:

1. Softball fanatics:

Two 90-year-old women, Mabel and Lily, had been the best of friends all of their lives.

Now Mabel had been in poor health for a couple of years and it was clear that her last days were not too far away. Naturally, her good friend Lily visited her every single day.

One day as they were chatting, Lily said, “Mabel, we’ve both enjoyed playing softball all our lives. All through high school and ever since we really enjoyed playing the game we both love. So, do me a great favour. When you get to Heaven, please find a way to let me know whether I’ll be able to play softball with you when we’re both there.

Mabel looked up from her deathbed and said, “Lily, you’ve been my best friend since we were children. If it’s at all possible, I will do this favour for you.”

They were to be Mabel’s last words because, sadly, she passed away silently in her sleep that very night.

The following night, Lily was awakened suddenly from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light, and a voice calling out to her, “Lily, Lily!

Who is it?” said Lily.

Lily,” said the voice, “it’s me, your friend Mabel.”

You can’t be Mabel,” said Lily. “Mabel passed away yesterday.”

Lily, it is me, Mabel,” insisted the voice.

Mabel, where are you then?” asked Lily.

I’m in Heaven,” said Mabel. “I’ve got some good news for you and a little bad news too.

What’s the good news?” asked Lily.

Well, the good news is that women’s softball is played in Heaven,” said Mabel.

Oh, that’s wonderful,” said Lily.

Better still,” said Mabel, “all of our old buddies who died before me are here to play with too.”

“Really?” said Lily.

Yes,” Mabel responded. “And even better than that, we’re all young again, it’s always springtime up here, and it never rains or snows. We can play softball whenever we want, and we never get tired.”

Wow,” said Lily “that’s fantastic. So, what’s the bad news?

You’ll be pitching next Tuesday?” Mabel responded.

2. Married bliss:

Jim and Jean had been married for over 30 years and, in all that time, they’d never fought, not even once.

One day, Jim and his friend Bill were talking and Bill was impressed to hear about what sounded like such a harmonious relationship.

How is that even possible?” Bill asked.

Well,” said Jim, “when we got married, we stayed at my late uncle’s Texas ranch for our honeymoon. On the first day we went out horse riding and we hadn’t gone far before Jean’s horse jumped and she fell off.

Really?” Bill exclaimed. “So, what happened then?

Well, as cool as you like,” said Jim, “Jean just got up, patted the horse and then said, ‘This is your first time!’.

Wow!” said Bill.

After a while,” Jim continued, “it happened again. And again, Jean just got up, patted the horse and said, ‘This is your second time!’.”

I’m guessing that’s not the end of the story,” said Bill.

No,” said Jim. “It happened again, and this time she pulled out a gun and shot the horse.

No!” said a very surprised Bill. “What happened then?

I shouted at her,” said Jim. “Are you crazy? You’ve just killed a perfectly innocent animal!

Jim paused momentarily and then continued, “She gave me a menacing look and then said, ‘This is your first time!’.

3. Smart sheepdog:

A farmer wants to check how many sheep he has in his field.

So he decides to ask his sheepdog to count them all.

The dog runs into the field, counts them all and runs back to the farmer.

How many?” the farmer asks.

Forty,” says the dog.

How can there be forty,” the farmer asks, “I only bought thirty-eight.”

I rounded them up,” the dog responded.

4. Caring son:

Hello,” said the voice. “Is this the Police?

Yes,” said the operator, “How can we help you?

I’m calling to report Jim Brown,” said the voice.

Why?” said the operator, “What’s he done?

He’s hiding drugs inside his wood store,” said the voice.

That very evening, after dark, the police swooped on the house of Jim Brown.

They search his wood store thoroughly and then, with sharp axes, they chop up every log, reducing them all to pieces of firewood.

The Police find absolutely nothing and so they leave empty-handed.

The next day, Jim Brown receives a telephone call from his son.

Hi Dad, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come over to help you yesterday but did the Police arrive?” asked his son.

Yes,” Jim responded.

Did they chop up all your firewood?” his son asks.

Yes, they did,” says Jim.

That’s great Dad,” says his son, “Happy birthday!

entertaining-jokes5. The trip to Rome:

Jane was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled ready for a trip to Rome with her husband.

Naturally, Jane is talking with her hairdresser and she mentions how excited she is to be going on her forthcoming trip to the Eternal City.

Rome?” said the hairdresser. “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?

Well,” said Jane, “we’re flying American Airlines and we got a really great deal on the tickets!

Oh, I just hate American Airlines,” said the hairdresser. “Their planes are old, their inflight service is terrible and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?

We’ll be staying at this exclusive little place called the Hotel Splendide Royal,” Jane responded. “Oh, I just can’t wait.”

Stop right there,” said the hairdresser. “I’ve heard about that place. Everybody thinks it’s special, but my friend told me it’s actually a real dump. So, what will you do whilst you’re there?

We’re going to see the Vatican,” said Jane, “and maybe we might even get to see the Pope.

The hairdresser laughed, “You and a million other people will be trying to see the Pope and, even if you do, he’ll look the size of an ant, you’ll be so far away. Sounds like a lousy trip. I wish you luck because you’re going to need it.

Six weeks later, Jane’s back from her trip and sitting in the same hairdresser’s having her hair styled once again.

Naturally, the hairdresser is interested to hear all about Jane’s trip to Rome.

Oh, it was wonderful,” said Jane, “the best vacation ever.”

Really!” said the hairdresser. “In what way was it so great?

Well, first off, the brand new plane we travelled on was overbooked and so American Airlines very kindly upgraded us to First Class at no charge,” said Jane. “The inflight service was terrific, the food and wine were just wonderful, we arrived bang on time, and the cabin crew couldn’t have been more attentive throughout the journey.

So, you got lucky with the flight,” said the hairdresser sarcastically. “How was the hotel?

Oh, my goodness, it couldn’t have been better,” said Jane. “It had recently had a major makeover, and because it was overbooked, we got upgraded to a suite, at no charge. Best hotel experience ever.

Well, lucky you,” muttered the hairdresser. “I’ll bet you didn’t get to see the Pope though.

Actually, we were very lucky,” said Jane. “We were walking around the Vatican when a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and said that the Pope would like to speak with me.

Oh, really!” said the hairdresser. “And what did the Pope have to say when you met him?

He said, my God woman, who made such a terrible mess of your hair?” said Jane with a smile.

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60 British insults for getting your message across

British-InsultsWhen it comes to insults the British certainly can have a clever turn of phrase. Well, I think so but then again I am British, so perhaps I’m a little bit biased. Therefore allow me to offer you 60 British insults to prove my point.

All of these clever comebacks made me smile and I hope you’ll enjoy at least some of them too.

So take a few minutes to appreciate the British sense of humour and please feel free to pass them on.

British insults (1-20):

  1. Get lost!
  2. You stink!
  3. You wazzock!
  4. A pox on you.
  5. Do one, tosser!
  6. You gormless git!
  7. You silly plonker!
  8. Shove it up your ass!
  9. You pointless prick!
  10. Just get out of my sight.
  11. You’re as daft as a brush.
  12. You sir are a waste of space.
  13. You’re an absolute doorknob.
  14. You’re as mad as a box of frogs.
  15. You’re a sandwich short of a picnic.
  16. Watch where you’re going, dipstick!
  17. You corrosive lump of faecal horror.
  18. You have a mouth like a torn pocket.
  19. Pigs in a sty smell better than you do.
  20. You’re a waste of the air you breathe.

British insults (21-40):

  1. You look ill. Should I call a vet for you?
  2. Wow, you’ve got a great face, for radio!
  3. Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
  4. Nice hair. Does it grow all over your back?
  5. You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
  6. Do you have anything edible on the menu?
  7. Is it normal to foam at the mouth like that?
  8. You’ve got a face like a bag of smashed crabs.
  9. Boy, you’ve been whacked with the ugly stick!
  10. Is that rotting flesh or your armpits I can smell?
  11. You’ve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
  12. You add less value than the excrement on my shoe.
  13. Do that again and I’ll have your guts for garters.
  14. You don’t have to be a complete tosser all your life.
  15. You’re so obnoxious, how do you live with yourself?
  16. Where I come from we walk the family pet not eat it.
  17. I’m guessing they don’t sell deodorant where you live.
  18. Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
  19. I’d call you a whore but that would be unfair to whores.
  20. I don’t hate you but may your death be slow and painful.

British insults (41-60):

  1. British-InsultsPerhaps it might just be a ‘You’ problem?
  2. Only a complete slimeball would think that’s acceptable.
  3. Yes, I’d love to meet your parents. When does the zoo open?
  4. Well, aren’t you a little bundle of something quite unpleasant.
  5. Yes, I’m drunk but tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
  6. What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face like a melted welly.
  7. Everyone has the right to be ugly but you’re abusing that privilege.
  8. If you really must smile it would be better if you visited a dentist first.
  9. Call me unworldly if you must, but do women normally have hair there?
  10. With a menu as bad as this I won’t have any problem sticking to my diet.
  11. I wouldn’t call you ugly but you’ve got a face like a blind cobbler’s thumb.
  12. I think you’re brave in showing your face in public, without a bag covering it.
  13. What’s wrong with you? You’re walking like your ass is chewing a toffee.
  14. I’m guessing fornication with your siblings eliminates your need for dating apps
  15. I’d call you ugly but that doesn’t quite say what a truly unpleasant sight you are.
  16. I must have done something terrible in another life to deserve a mingebag like you?
  17. People say you’re a bit of a spanner but in my experience, you’re more the full toolkit.
  18. If you could just listen to yourself for a minute you’d realize your opinion is ridiculous.
  19. Could I borrow a hosepipe, please? You look like you’re in need of some colonic irrigation.
  20. I know I asked for a rare steak but a good vet could have this one back on its feet in an instant.

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8 funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work

funny-jokes-to-tellIf you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work, then look no further.

There are some excellent ones here. Well, I think so, anyway.

I hope you enjoy them all too. If you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell:

1. Turning a problem into an opportunity:

A young guy named Jim meets a farmer in a bar.

They get talking over a beer at the counter and very soon Jim’s bought a horse from the farmer unseen for $250. Not only has he not seen the nag, Jim even agreed to pay upfront too.

The farmer agrees to deliver the horse to Jim’s home the next day.

Sure enough the next morning the farmer arrives at Jim’s home but the news is not quite what Jim is expecting.

Sorry, son,” says the farmer, “but unfortunately the horse has died.

Well,” says Jim, “just give me back my money.”

“Sorry, son,” responds the farmer, “I can’t do that because I’ve already spent your money.”

“Well, in that case,” says Jim, “just bring me the dead horse.”

“What are you going to do with a dead horse?” asks the farmer.

“I’ll raffle him off, to get my money back,” says Jim.

You can’t raffle a dead horse!” exclaims the farmer, sounding a little surprised.

Sure, I can. Just watch me!” says Jim. “I just won’t mention the fact that the horse is dead.

A couple of months later, the farmer bumps into Jim in the same bar where they met originally.

Hi,” says the farmer. “Tell me, what happened to the dead horse?

I raffled him off like I said I would,” Jim responds.

Oh really, and how did that go?” asks the farmer.

It was brilliant,” says Jim. “I sold 1,000 raffle tickets at $5 each and after what I gave you for the horse plus expenses, I made $4,575 profit.”

Really?” says the farmer. “Didn’t anyone complain about the horse being dead?

Yes,” says Jim, “the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”

2. The power of flight:

Bill walks into a bar located on the roof terrace of a skyscraper in downtown Metropolis.

Bill’s standing at the counter waiting to be served, when the guy next to him offers him a sip of his cocktail.

Take a sip of this cocktail buddy,” the guy says, slurring his words. “It’s a special drink and it will give you the power of flight.

Oh, that’s got to be nonsense,” says Bill. “There’s no way taking a sip of someone’s drink will have me flying around the rooftops of Metropolis.”

Would I lie to you?” the guy says to Bill. “Let me show you.”

With that, the guy swallows the contents of the glass, then jumps off the roof, flies around in a wide circle and then glides smoothly back onto the roof terrace.

Bill is amazed by what he’s just witnessed. So he says to the bartender, “I’ll have whatever he’s been drinking.

Bill is served the same cocktail which he swallows in one and then he attempts to jump off the roof but falls flat on his face on the edge of the roof terrace.

The bartender looks at the guy who’d encouraged Bill to try the cocktail and says, “Dammit, you really are a nuisance to other customers when you’re drunk Superman.

3. Customer needs:

I was in Walmart just before Thanksgiving this year.

A lady was looking through a pile of frozen turkeys but she couldn’t seem to find one big enough for her needs.

I heard her speak with the clerk and she said, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?

No, mam!” he replied. “They’re all dead.”

Well, it made me smile.

4. Generous spirit:

I bumped into a woman outside the shopping mall who was crying because she’s just lost $200.

I felt really sorry for her, so I gave her $50 from the $200 I’d just found.

Well, when God smiles on you, it’s only right that you share your good fortune with those less fortunate than you.

5. Getting things done:

Yesterday, Mary’s husband Jim thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen.

So, naturally, Jim sprayed everything down very carefully and then cleaned the entire kitchen thoroughly from wall to wall and floor to ceiling. Absolutely nothing escaped his cleaning regime. When he’d finished the kitchen sparkled like new.

Today, Mary has put the cockroach in the bathroom.

Moral of the Story: Never, ever underestimate a woman’s cunning.

6. Corny joke of the week:

Last night I saw two cows playing poker whilst smoking a couple of huge spliffs.

Yes, that’s right! The steaks were high.

7. Caught out:

Jane arrived in the office one morning and her boss said to her, “Jane, do you believe in life after death?

Looking slightly puzzled, she responded, “Well, I’m not aware that there’s any proof it exists.

Well, in that case,” her boss said, “you might be interested to know that after you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, he came into the office looking for you.

8. Last Christmas Joke:

Three buddies had been having more than a few drinks in a series of Manhattan bars on Christmas Eve.

They’re staggering along Broadway trying to cross the street when they’re all hit by a truck and killed.

In the blink of an eye, they find themselves standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Gentlemen,” says St Peter, “to get into Heaven at this time of year, you must have something on you that represents Christmas.”

The first guy, Jim, flicks his cigarette lighter and says to St Peter, “The flame represents the light that Christmas brings to our lives.

Very good,” says St Peter. “James, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

The second guy, Stan, jingles his car keys and then says, “They represent the jingle of Santa’s sleigh bells.

Very good,” says St Peter. “Stanley, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

St Peter then looks at the last guy, Mick, who is staggering all over the place and rummaging around in his pockets.

Eventually, Mick pulls out some items of ladies underwear from his jacket pocket and holds them up for St Peter to see,

With a puzzled look on his face, St Peter asks, “Michael, how do these items represent Christmas?

Oh, they’re Carol’s,” said Mick, with a sheepish grin.

funny-jokes-to-tellPlease share these funny jokes to tell:

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25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

witty-one-liner-jokesIn need of being cheered up a little dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile?

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but should you know then do let me know. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes:

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.
  11. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  12. I’ve no idea why but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  13. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  14. Leave them wanting more is always great advice, unless you work in disaster relief.
  15. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  16. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccoughs.
  17. If we should never eat late at night then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  18. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  19. I read in the newspaper that a semi-colon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  20. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat, I’m living on the wrong planet.
  21. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  22. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  23. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves, and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  24. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  25. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

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