25 brilliant one-liner quotes that’ll raise a smile

brilliant one-liner quotesHere are 25 brilliant one-liner quotes guaranteed to raise a smile. I loved them all and I’m confident you will too. Enjoy!

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

  1. Everything’s difficult before it’s easy.
  2. I do all my own stunts but never intentionally.
  3. Don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
  4. Your secret’s safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
  5. If only we could invoice people for wasting our time.
  6. I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.
  7. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery.
  8. Sarcasm is just punching people in the face with words.
  9. The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.
  10. You never know what you’ve got until you clean your room.
  11. Be like the postage stamp. Stick to a thing until you get there.
  12. I intended to behave but there were so many other options.
  13. If Cinderella’s shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
  14. Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.
  15. Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
  16. Revenge sounds so mean. I prefer to call it returning the favour.
  17. They say nothing’s impossible but I’ve been doing nothing all day.
  18. I’m still waiting for the wisdom I was assured would come with age.
  19. If one door opens when another closes, your house is probably haunted.
  20. You know it’s time to move on when the best part of your job is a chair that swivels.
  21. If you want your children to listen to you, try talking in a very low voice to someone else.
  22. If you’re going to get into trouble for hitting someone, you might as well hit them hard.
  23. People who can’t find time for rest and recreation will be forced to make time for illness, sooner or later.
  24. All I’m saying officer is that if you caught me then you must have been speeding too and no one is above the law.
  25. When you get angry take a deep breath and count to 10. Then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

Enjoyed these one-liners? Please share this post:

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If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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5 funny story jokes that’ll make you chuckle

If you’re looking for funny story jokes, I’ve got five little gems for you today.

So grab a coffee, and then take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Funny Story Jokes:

1. How to impress the girl of your dreams:

Young Josh is a 16-year-old, shy and socially awkward guy constantly dreaming of dating a girl, like many young men of his age.

As luck would have it, the real object of his affection lives right next door to him. Her name’s Charlene, she’s slim, attractive, cultured, and perfectly poised.

However, poor Josh is a little too bashful to engage her in conversation.

Nevertheless, that doesn’t stop him from watching her dreamily from his bedroom window as she wanders across her yard each morning.

One day Josh’s father notices him watching Charlene from his bedroom window.

“Josh, if you like the girl, why not say hello to her?” says his dad.

“Oh, Dad, I’m not very good at talking to girls, I never quite know what to say to them,”  Josh responds.

“Look, son,”  says his dad, “girls just like you to take an interest in them and what they’ve been doing. Just ask her about what she’s been doing.

The following day, Josh sees Charlene wander across her yard, heading towards the john at the end of her garden.

Desperate to impress her and thinking he’s spotted an ideal opportunity to follow his dad’s advice, Josh rushes outside to catch her attention as she returns to the house.

Encouraged when Charlene flashes him a smile, Josh is convinced that this is his opportunity to impress her.

And then he hears himself say, “Been taking a dump then, Charlene?

2. The man and the penguins:

Police officer Maguire is sitting in his patrol car by the side of the freeway when he sees a guy drive past him in a pickup truck full of penguins.

With blue lights flashing, Officer Maguire chases after the pickup truck and pulls the guy over.

Sir, you do know that penguins are a protected species, and you can’t drive them around like this in this town?” says Officer Maguire. “I suggest you take them to the zoo.

Having given the guy a polite warning, Officer Maguire then lets him go on his way.

The very next day, Officer Maguire is in his patrol car again when he sees the same man still driving around with the penguins, and this time they’re all wearing sunglasses.

So Officer Maguire pulls the guy over again and says, “Hey buddy, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday.

I did,”  the man replies, “and today I’m taking them to the beach.

3. All rise:

Jim is up in court, charged with a series of misdemeanours.

Now, Jim feels he’s been unfairly treated, and when the judge rules against him, he cannot contain his anger any longer.

“You, sir, are a moron!” shouts Jim as the judge passes judgement.

Well, the judge is not amused and says, “For contempt of court, you’re fined $250; that’s $50 for each of those words you shouted.

Jim gets out his wallet, and he’s checking its contents when the judge says, “You don’t have to pay the fine right now; you can hand the money to the clerk as you leave the court.

Jim looks up, and, in response, says, “I wasn’t trying to pay you, sir; I was checking to see whether I had enough money to tell you what I really think of you.

4. Strange sounds:

Did you know that when Beethoven sadly passed away, his body was buried in a church graveyard, as was common in those days?

A few days later, a couple of drunken youths were staggering through this graveyard late at night when they heard strange noises emanating from the plot where Beethoven had been buried.

Shaken by what they had heard, the youths ran to the priest to tell him about their experience.

The priest listened to them sympathetically and said, “Let’s go together to Beethoven’s grave, and I’ll hear it for myself.

When they arrived at the plot, the priest listened carefully, and he could hear some faint, unrecognized music coming from the grave.

Well, even the priest was terrified by this experience, and he ran to the town’s mayor.

The mayor accompanied the priest back to the grave, where he could listen for himself.

As they stood by the grave, the mayor could hear Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony being played backwards.

Puzzled by this, he continued to listen, only to hear the Eighth Symphony played backwards, followed by the Seventh Symphony, the Sixth Symphony, The Fifth Symphony and so on, all played backwards.

The mayor stood there momentarily puzzled by this experience, and then he turned to the priest and said, “It’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

5. Children and their teacher:

It’s the end of the school year, and the popular kindergarten teacher is receiving gifts from the children in her class.

She asks them to bring their gift to the front, one at a time.

First up is the florist’s son. He proudly hands her his neatly wrapped gift, and she thanks him and smiles.

She then gives the gift a little shake, holds it above her head momentarily, and then says, “I bet I know what this is. Some flowers?

That’s right,”  says the boy, “but how did you know?

Oh, it’s just a lucky guess,”  says the teacher.

The next child to offer a gift is the sweet shop owner’s daughter.

Once again, the teacher gives the gift a little shake, holds it above her head momentarily, and then says, “I bet I know what this is. It’s a box of sweets.

That’s right,”  says the little girl, “but how did you know?

Oh, it’s just a lucky guess,”  says the teacher.

The next child to offer a gift is the son of the liquor store owner.

As before, the teacher holds the gift-wrapped package above her head momentarily, but it’s leaking.

So she touches a drop of the slightly yellow liquid with her finger and then touches her finger on her tongue.

Is it a Chardonnay?” asks the teacher.

No!” the boy replies, a little excited in anticipation of her response.

Once again, the teacher touches the leaking, yellow liquid with her finger and then touches her finger on her tongue.

Perhaps it’s Champagne?” she suggests.

No!” the boy replies, with even more excitement than before.

So the teacher has one more quick taste of the liquid before saying, “Alright then, I give up, you’ve got me on his one. What is it?

With a beaming smile and great excitement, the boy says, “It’s a puppy!

Please share the fun:

So for you, dear reader, did these funny story jokes make you laugh?

I hope so. However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

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15 amusing quotes by Mae West to make you smile

Mae West was one of the most controversial movie stars of her day, making comedy out of the prudish, conventional mores of her era. And those Depression-era audiences loved her for it.

Born Mary Jane West in Brooklyn, New York in 1893 she was an actress, singer, playwright, screenwriter, comedian and sex symbol whose entertainment career spanned seven decades.

Some might dismiss her for her light-hearted bawdy double entendres and breezy sexual independence but she knew what she was doing and she was clearly very smart.

She was a woman who lived life on her own terms and in that sense she was way ahead of her time.

Asked about the various efforts to impede her career, Mae West replied, “I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.”

Here are 15 quotes by Mae West, many of which I’m sure will make you smile.

Quotes by Mae West:

  1. A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. ~Mae West
  2. I used to be Snow White but I drifted. ~Mae West
  3. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. ~Mae West
  4. To err is human but it feels divine. ~Mae West
  5. I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ~Mae West
  6. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. ~Mae West
  7. You only live once but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  8. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. ~Mae West
  9. I never loved another person the way I loved myself. ~Mae West
  10. He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~Mae West
  11. Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office. ~Mae West
  12. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~Mae West
  13. When I’m good, I’m very good but when I’m bad I’m better. ~Mae West
  14. I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. ~Mae West
  15. Marriage is a great institution but I’m not ready for an institution. ~Mae West

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Did you find these quotes by Mae West amusing?

You did? I hope so anyway.

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25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

Do you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25, that I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile, and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them, and then please pass them on.

Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

  1. I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
  2. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  3. Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
  4. My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
  5. A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  6. For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
  7. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  8. Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
  9. How is it that I always seem to buy plants without the will to live?
  10. The importance of teamwork is that there’s always someone else to blame.
  11. We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  12. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  13. Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
  14. The other man’s grass may be greener, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
  15. If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

  1. Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
  2. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
  3. An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
  4. It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, but what they mean is, you need to listen.
  5. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
  6. Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
  7. Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
  8. We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
  9. My boss asked whether it was me or him who was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
  10. Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away, and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.

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So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

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Thank you.

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7 Good jokes guaranteed to make you smile

If you’re looking for some good jokes, then look no further, dear reader. I have seven very good jokes for you today.

They all made me laugh out loud, and I’m confident they’ll amuse you too.

So enjoy them all now.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Good jokes:

1. The duck hunter:

Dave was a keen duck hunter, and he’d been looking to buy a new bird dog for quite a while.

Dave’s search ended when he found an amazing dog that could walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Naturally, Dave was pleased with his discovery, but he was sure that his friends wouldn’t believe he’d found a dog that could walk on water.

So he decided to break the news to his friend Paul, a pessimist who was rarely impressed by anything.

Hoping that he might impress Paul, Dave invited him on a hunting trip to experience the dog firsthand.

However, Dave didn’t mention the dog’s special talent, as he wanted Paul to see it himself.

Arriving in the woods, the two men and the dog found a suitable spot by the lake and waited for some ducks to appear. And it wasn’t long before some ducks flew overhead.

Both men fired their shotguns, and a duck fell from the sky and landed on the lake.

The dog responded by walking across the water, without sinking and retrieving the duck. Apart from the soles of its feet, the dog didn’t get wet at all.

This continued throughout the day.

Each time a duck fell, the dog retrieved it by walking across the water without getting wet.

Determined to remain unimpressed, Paul observed everything, but he didn’t say a word.

On the drive home, Dave couldn’t resist it any longer, and he said to Paul, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog, Paul?

Yes, I did,” said Paul. “He can’t swim.”

2. Rookie error:

Jane is driving along Interstate 5 when she accidentally crashes into a guy driving a Porsche.

The guy immediately gets out of his Porsche and starts yelling at Jane and trying to intimidate her.

Are you blind or something?” yells the guy. “Why didn’t you look where you were going?

As luck would have it, Jane has a bottle of Jack Daniels on her rear seat, and she suggests to the guy that he takes a couple of swigs to calm his nerves.

The guy gratefully grabs the whiskey bottle and takes a long swig, pauses momentarily, and then takes another.

Just as he’s starting to calm down, a Highway Patrol officer appears on the scene, while the guy still has the whiskey bottle in his hand.

Right,” says the Highway Patrol officer, “What’s happened here?

Jane smiles demurely at the officer and says, “Officer, there’s been an accident because this guy’s been drinking.”

Moral of the Story: If you think you can intimidate women, you’d be wise to think again.

3. Down on the farm

One day, a farmer was tending his livestock when he noticed one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.

Naturally, being concerned, the farmer called a veterinarian and asked him to come and look at the cow.

The vet arrives at the farm, takes one look at the cow, and then sticks a rubber tube up the cow’s butt.

After a few moments, the vet puts the other end of the tube in his mouth and starts blowing hard.

Within a few seconds of blowing, the cow’s eyes completely straightened out.

The vet then charges the farmer $150 for his service and then leaves the farm to move on to his next appointment.

About a week later, another one of the farmer’s cows appears to be cross-eyed.

Well, the farmer doesn’t want to spend another $150 when he now knows what to do.

So, he finds a rubber tube and then calls his farmhand over to help him.

Together, they proceed to insert the tube into the cow’s butt.

The farmer then puts his lips on the tube and starts to blow. However, not being as young as he once was, the farmer can’t quite blow hard enough, and nothing happens.

So, he asks the farmhand to give it a try.

The farmhand removes the tube, turns it around, and then inserts it back into the cow’s butt. He then starts to blow hard.

What are you doing?” the horrified farmer yells.

The farmhand gives him a puzzled look and then says, “Well, I wasn’t gonna use the side that you put in your mouth.”

4. Logic class:

Bubba and Jim Bob felt they weren’t going anywhere in life, so they decided to go to college to improve their situation.

Neither of them is very bright, so they decide to seek advice from the college principal for guidance on courses for which they’d be best suited.

Bubba goes to see the principal first, and, after a short conversation, the principal suggests he take the Logic course.

What’s Logic?” asks Bubba.

Well, it might be easier if I gave you an example,” says the principal. “Do you own a Weed Eater?

Well, yes, I do,” Bubba responds.

Right,” says the principal. “If you own a Weed Eater, then it would be safe for me to assume you have a yard.”

Wow,” says Bubba, “you’re right.”

If you have a yard,” says the principal, “logic would suggest you also have a house.”

Incredible,” says Bubba, “you’re right again.”

The principal continues, “And since you have a house, logic suggests you have a wife too.”

Yes,” says Bubba, “that’s right, her name’s Daisy.”

If you have a wife,” says the principal, “then you probably have children too.”

I do,” says Bubba, “I have two kids, Willy and Maisy.”

Right,” says the principal. “Then logically, it follows that you’re heterosexual.”

Well, I’ll be,” says Bubba. “you’re right and you worked all that out from Logic. I can’t wait to start the Logic class.”

Bubba walks out of the principal’s office feeling ten feet tall and Jim Bob is there waiting to hear what happened.

So, what class will you take?” asks Jim Bob.

I’m taking the Logic class,” Bubba responds.

What’s Logic?” asks Jim Bob.

Well, it’ll be better if I explain it with an example,” says Bubba.

Go on then,” says Jim Bob

Right,” says Bubba. “Do you own a Weed Eater?

No,” Jim Bob replies.

Then you’re gay,” says Bubba.

5. Tragic loss:

In 1912, a ship sailed from San Diego, heading for the port of Lázaro Cárdenas, Mexico, with a cargo of 20,000 jars of Hellmann’s mayonnaise.

The cargo was intended for the celebrations to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Mexico’s famous victory over the Second French Empire at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

This would have been the largest shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico, had it not been for the ship sinking in rough seas before it could reach its intended destination.

Such was the popularity of Hellman’s famous condiment in Mexico at the time that the people were devastated, and a National Day of Mourning was declared.

This day continues to be commemorated every year on May 5, the date that the shipment was due to arrive in Lázaro Cárdenas. The event is better known as Sinko de Mayo.

6. Grizzly bears on the Appalachian Trail:

A tourist guide was explaining the dangers of grizzly bears to hikers about to walk the Appalachian Trail from Springer Mountain, Georgia.

The guide warned, “You should realise that most encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet to avoid disturbing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble upon bears.

He had the hikers’ full attention now.

Be aware that surprising a grizzly bear can have disastrous consequences for you,” the guide continued. “To avoid this, we recommend that hikers wear tiny bells on their clothing to provide bears with an early warning of your presence. You should, of course, exercise great caution should you spot the telltale signs of bears in the area, particularly if you see bear droppings.”

“And how do we identify bear droppings from those of other wildlife?” asked one of the hikers.

“Easy,”  explained the guide. “They’re the ones with all the tiny bells in them!”

7. The talking monkey:

Pete was walking past a pet shop when he saw a talking monkey being advertised for sale.

Intrigued, Pete went inside to see if this monkey was all the owners claimed it to be. It was, and Pete was so impressed, particularly with the monkey’s extensive vocabulary and mastery of English, he bought the erudite primate immediately.

Then that very evening, Pete took his new pet to his local bar, and he bet everyone twenty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Ten people immediately accepted the challenge, but, despite much prompting from Pete, the monkey failed to say a word.

Pete was extremely disappointed, but he had no choice but to pay up.

However, when he got home, the monkey was talking freely once again.

So the next evening, Pete decided he would return to the bar and try again.

This time, he bet everyone thirty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Given the experience of the previous evening, most of the patrons in the bar were more than willing to accept Pete’s bet.

Sadly for Pete, his monkey wouldn’t say a word, and once again, it proved to be an expensive evening.

When he got home with the monkey, Pete was annoyed with his pet, and he said, “I’ve had it with you, tomorrow you’re going back to the pet shop and I’m claiming a refund.

Calm down,” the monkey responded. “Just think about the odds; we’ll be able to get into the bar tomorrow evening.

Please share this post:

So, dear reader, were these good jokes as good as you’d hoped? Were they worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

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Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

5 Really funny jokes I know you’ll just love

If you’re looking for some really funny jokes then I’ve got five good ones today. I’m confident you’ll love them all.

So take a few moments to enjoy them and then please pass them on to your friends.

Really funny jokes:

1. A companion for Adam:

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden, feeling very lonely.

So he went to God and said, “Lord, I’m lonely. I’ve got no one to talk to.

God smiled at Adam and said, “I was thinking about giving you a companion called Woman.”

Woman?” Adam responded, quizzically.

Yes”, said God. “She’ll cook for you; clean for you; and wash your clothes. She’ll bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to help care for them. She’ll agree to whatever you say. She’ll never nag you and always admit when she’s wrong. She won’t bear a grudge, and she’ll dress to please you. And of course, she’ll make love to you whenever you want her to.

Wow,”  said Adam. “That sounds fantastic. How much would a woman like that cost me?

An arm and a leg,”  God replied.

Oh!” said Adam. “What can I get for a rib?

2. Following orders:

At Fort Leavenworth, three platoon sergeants are standing together on the parade ground, discussing which one of them has the bravest men.

Sergeant O’Malley calls one of his men over and says, “Climb that flagpole, and when you get to the top, jump off. That’s an order, soldier!

The soldier follows the order and, in jumping off, breaks his leg.

Sergeant O’Malley looks at his colleagues and says, “That’s how tough my men are.”

Not to be outdone, Sergeant Rivera calls over one of his men and says, “Climb onto the roof of the administration block over there, and when you get on the roof, jump off. That’s an order, soldier!

The soldier follows the order and, in jumping off, breaks both legs.

Sergeant Rivera looks at his colleagues and says, “I think that proves my men are tougher.”

Finally, Sergeant Kowalski calls over one of his men and says, “Get in that helicopter over there, and when the pilot gets to 1,000 feet, jump out. That’s an order, soldier!

The soldier looks at him and laughs before replying, “Screw you, sergeant. You can stick your order where the sun don’t shine.

Sergeant Kowalski looks at his colleagues and says, “Gentlemen, I think you’ll agree; that is real bravery!

3. Accidental transposition:

A hiker staggers into a pub in a remote part of County Mayo, Ireland. He’s shaken, his clothes are torn, and he’s full of scratches.

What has happened to you?” the bartender asks, as he pours a large Bushmills for the hiker to help with the shock.

The hiker sips his whiskey and then says, “I was attacked by a leopard!

Really?” says the bartender.

Yes, really! A leopard! In Ireland!” the hiker responds. He takes another sip of whiskey and then says, “Naturally, I tried to run, but you can’t outrun a leopard, can you?

No,”  the bartender responds sympathetically, before saying. “So, what happened then?”

“Well,” says the hiker, it knocked me to the ground; we rolled around a bit, but weirdly enough, it then just gave me a sad look and left.

Ah, you met Father Brennan,” the bartender responds knowingly.

What do you mean?” asks the hiker, confused.

Father Brennan was our parish priest,” says the bartender. “He was a kind-hearted man, totally committed to serving his congregation. One day, a year or so ago, he was out walking, and he found a lamp with a genie. He was granted a wish, and he said that all he wanted was to be a good shepherd to the community.”

Looking slightly puzzled, the hiker said, “I don’t understand; what’s a shepherd got to do with it?

Ah, well, there you have it,” says the bartender, “You have to be careful when you’re prone to spoonerisms.”

4. Going away with the boss:

George called his wife one day from the office and said, “Honey, I’ve been asked to go fishing on a lake up in Wyoming with my boss and a couple of his friends, and we’re leaving tonight. We’ll be away for the rest of the week.

Really?” his wife, Jane, responded.

Look, I know it’s a bit short notice,” George responded, “but this will be a great opportunity for me to schmooze with the boss and press for that promotion I’ve been chasing.

OK, I guess I’ll just have to live with it then,” said Jane.

I’ll need your help, though,” said George. “I need you to pack enough clothes for the rest of the week and set out my rod and tackle box. I’ll stop by and collect them later. Oh, can you pack my new blue silk pyjamas too please?”

Jane thought his last request was a little suspicious, but she did as he asked.

When George returned from his trip, Jane asked him how it had gone.

I’m a bit tired,”  said George, “but otherwise, it was a great trip.”

“Did you catch many fish?” Jane inquired.

“Oh, yes!” George responded. “The fish were biting, and I caught more than anyone else. But, how come you didn’t pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked?”

“I did, honey!” said Jane. “They were in your tackle box.”

5. The monkey and the lion:

It was a warm afternoon in Serengeti National Park.

Two monkeys were sitting high in a tall tree, watching a lion sleep peacefully on the ground far below.

One of the monkeys said to the other, “Hey, I dare you to go down and give that lion a kick in the butt.

The other monkey was always up for a dare, and so he agreed immediately.

Yes, I can do that,”  said the monkey. And with that, he ran down the tree.

Once on the ground, he walked around the lion to check if it was still asleep. Then he went to the rear of the lion and kicked it as hard as he could in the butt.

Woken suddenly, the lion roared, and the monkey started running as fast as he could.

The lion was angry and gave chase immediately.

Needless to say, the lion was fast, and it didn’t take long for it to get within fifty yards of the monkey.

Realizing it needed to act fast if it wasn’t to be eaten, the monkey picked up a newspaper that had been discarded by tourists.

The monkey then sat on a tree stump, hid behind the newspaper, and pretended to read it.

Moments later, the lion arrived and said, “Excuse me, did you see a monkey pass this way?

Do you mean the one that kicked the lion in the butt?” the monkey responded.

Oh, no!” groaned the lion. “It’s not in the papers already, is it?

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How to make an impression : Job Interview Tips

As the old saying goes, you only get one chance to make a good first impression.

These days hiring managers are spoilt for choice when interviewing for any job regarded as a decent opportunity. In fact, unless the job is a real stinker, they’ll usually get hundreds of applicants.

True they won’t interview them all but they’ll interview enough for it to be important for you to make a memorable impression on them if you’re to have any chance at all.

Good candidates will know this and make sure they’ve researched job interview tips beforehand.

So dear reader, if you’ve found this page via a search engine, are you looking for some job interview tips?

If you’ve got a job interview anytime soon then naturally you’ll want a few pointers on how to perform to the best of your ability. You’ll not only want to showcase your skills but also leave an impression on the interviewer that lasts long after you’ve left the interview room.

Don’t forget though, the impression you leave can be a good one but it can also be a bad one. And leaving a bad one is the last thing you want to do, assuming you really want the job.

The embedded video offers some useful job interview tips, making its points with irony. The video made me smile and I hope it brightens your day too.

How to make an impression:

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25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

I always get the best reaction with blog posts that are full of content to make you smile. And funny witty quotes are particularly popular with readers.

With that in mind, I’ve been trawling my journals looking for funny witty quotes which I’ve noted for posterity, and which I hope you’ll enjoy now, dear reader.

So, here are 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you. Certainly, they tickled me and made me smile.

They’re all by Authors Unknown but they’re razor-sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on take a few minutes right now to have a laugh and enjoy them all.

Funny witty quotes:

  1. ‘Be yourself is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
  2. Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
  3. HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
  4. Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
  5. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  6. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
  7. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
  8. There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
  9. You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
  10. If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.
  11. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
  12. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
  13. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  14. We mature with damage, not with years.
  15. Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
  16. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  17. Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
  18. I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
  19. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  20. The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
  21. The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
  22. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
  24. If at first, you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
  25. 129% of people exaggerate.

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7 best dad jokes that’ll tickle you silly

Are you looking for some of the best dad jokes, dear reader?

Well, take a look at these seven on offer today. Certainly, they’re all ‘full groan”.

I hope they make you smile.

Please feel free to share them.

Best dad jokes:

1. The shopping trip:

Wilma was an 80-year-old lady out shopping with her long-suffering, elderly husband Jack.

In the challenging economic times in which they now live, Wilma and Jack were finding that their budget was a bit tight.

So, in desperation, Wilma resorts to shoplifting.

Unfortunately for her, she gets caught in the act, and she finds herself standing in front of a judge.

Mam, could you tell me exactly what it was you stole?” asked the judge.

Yes, your honour,” Wilma responded. “I stole a can of peaches.”

And how many peaches were in the can?” the judge continued.

Your honour, I believe it was six,” said Wilma.

Then I’ll sentence you to six days in jail,” said the judge.

Before the judge could utter another word, Jack quickly interjected and said, “Your honour, you should also be aware that she stole a family-sized can of peas too.

2. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny lived in Quebec with his parents.

Johnny loved to hear his parents talk about family traditions and in particular the exploits of his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather when they were all young men.

Johnny’s favourite story was the one about each of them walking on water on their 18th birthday.

Eventually around comes Johnny’s 18th birthday and he’s determined to emulate what his father, grandfather and great-grandfather were able to achieve and that was walking across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So, on his birthday, Johnny sets off for that bar with his friend Jim.

Johnny steps on the water first and quickly finds himself submerged and struggling to swim back to the bank, where he’s helped by Jim.

Johnny’s not happy and, when he gets home, he challenges his mother about the truth of all those family stories.

It’s my 18th birthday, ma,” said Johnny, “if those stories were true, how come I couldn’t walk on water?

Johnny,” his mother responded. “it’s August! Your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were all born in January when the lake is frozen.”

Michael Rubinstein is a wealthy Manhattan art dealer.

Late one afternoon he gets a phone call from his attorney, Jack Greenbaum.

Hey, Michael,” says Jack, “I have some good news and I have some bad news for you.”

Oh, Jack, I’m having a lousy day,” Michael responds, “cheer me up with some good news first.”

Well,” says Jack, “I met with your wife earlier and she informs me that she’s invested $5,000 in two pictures that she believes will bring her 20 million dollars. And I think she’s right.”

Wow,” says Michael, “it seems my wife’s got a good head for business. So, what’s the bad news?

The pictures are of you in an Acapulco hotel room with your secretary,” says Jack, “when you told your wife you were in Europe on business.”

Pete and Zak were racing down the highway on Pete’s motorcycle.

Now Pete was wearing a leather jacket, but the zip was broken, so the jacket was open. Eventually Pete pulled over and said to Zak, “Listen, Buddy, with my jacket open, the cold weather is really starting to get to me. It’s freezing.”

Zak suggested he put his jacket on back to front so his chest would be covered.

Pete did as suggested, and the two of them then got back on the bike and off they went at high speed.

A couple of miles down the road, Pete took a bend at high speed, misjudged the manoeuvre, and crashed into a tree.

A farmer, who’d been working in the field nearby was the first on the scene.

Very soon after a Highway Patrolman arrived.

The cop says to the farmer, “Any signs of life?

Well,” said the farmer, “the guy riding the bike was moaning, until I twisted his head to try and get it round the right way.”

A group of husbands are all waiting outside the maternity ward whilst their wives are all in labour.

Eventually the ward sister comes out and says to the first guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

Now, that’s ironic,” says the guy, “because I work for Minnesota Twins.”

The ward sister then says to the second guy, “I got some news for you too. You’re the father of triplets. Congratulations!”

Now, that’s incredible,” says the guy, “because I work for the 3M company.”

The ward sister smiles at the third guy and then says, “Believe it or not, you’re now the father of quadruplets. Congratulations!

Well, ain’t that a coincidence,” says the guy, “because I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.”

At this point, the fourth guy passes out on the floor.

The ward sister and her colleagues rush to his aid and get him back on his feet. “Are you alright?” says the ward sister.

I’m afraid of the news you’re about to tell me,” says the guy, “I work for 7Up!

Jim was learning Spanish, and he went off to Mexico for some deep immersion in using the language.

However, he decided it might be useful to hire a Mexican guide to help him with conversation.

As they are walking through Tijuana, Jim notices an enormous fly and he says to his guide, “Jose, mira! El mosca.”

Jose smiles benevolently and says, “No, Senor, la mosca. Es feminina.”

Really?” says Jim. “You can actually see that from here?

7. Magic glasses:

Bill is browsing in a joke shop looking for a novelty gift when the shop owner says to him, “If you’re looking for something unusual, I’ve got just the thing.

And what’s that?” asks Bill.

Magic glasses,” said the owner. “They cost $500 but, believe me, they’re worth every cent.”

The owner then hands Bill a pair of these glasses and he tries them on.

Well, he can’t believe what he’s seeing. The owner now appears completely naked.

Bill removes the glasses to check and sure enough, without them the owner is fully clothed. He puts them on again and he sees the owner naked once more.

They’re amazing,” said Bill. “I’ll take them.”

Bill leaves the shop wearing the glasses and then walks down Main Street.

Everyone he passes appears completely naked.

Bill is so pleased with his purchase that he decides to surprise his wife at home before returning to the office.

Bill’s still wearing the glasses when he walks into their living room.

Sitting on the sofa, he sees both his wife and his neighbour both completely naked.

They both recoil in horror on suddenly seeing Bill.

Bill then takes off the glasses only for them both to still appear naked.

Well, I’ll be damned!” said Bill. “I’ve had them for less than half an hour and they’re already faulty.”

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15 amusing quotes by Zsa Zsa Gabor

The late Zsa Zsa Gabor was an actress and socialite known for her luxurious taste, glamorous sense of style, and series of high-profile marriages to wealthy men. She was married nine times.

Born in Hungary to parents of Jewish heritage, she was crowned Miss Hungary in 1936.

She began her stage career in Vienna before leaving for the United States in 1941.

With her strong personality, grace, and charm, she became a much sought-after actress and was highly regarded for her European flair and style.

Zsa Zsa Gabor never failed to speak her mind, particularly when it came to matters of men, marriage, and celebrity, and she was well known for her witty remarks and memorable one-liners.

Her sisters were the actresses Eva Gabor and Magda Gabor.

She was a Hollywood legend, so let’s remember some of her most memorable quips with what I think are 15 very amusing quotes.

Amusing quotes by Zsa Zsa Gabor:

  1. I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  2. My husband said it was him or the cat. I miss him sometimes.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  3. How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own? ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  4. I’m a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  5. I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  6. There is no diet for a big ego.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  7. A girl must marry for love and keep on marrying until she finds it. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  8. Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  9. When in trouble, take a bath and wash your hair.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  10. Any woman who diets all the time can’t help but be grouchy. Nobody can be amusing or entertaining on a diet.~Zsa Zsa Gabor 
  11. I believe in large families. Every woman should have at least three husbands.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  12. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  13. I love the intellectual type. They know everything and suspect nothing. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  14. The only place men want depth in their women is in her décolletage. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  15. I always said marriage should be a fifty-fifty proposition. He should be at least fifty years old and have at least fifty million dollars.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
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