3 very funny jokes to get you smiling

Very Funny Jokes1. Store policy:

The store manager overheard her sales assistant saying to an elderly customer, “No mam, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.

Alarmed by what she’d heard, the store manager rushed over to the elderly lady as she was leaving the store and said, “Mam, I am so sorry, the information you were given was incorrect. We will actually have some very soon. We’ve placed an order today.

The elderly lady gave the store manager a slightly puzzled look, but then just smiled and left the store.

The store manager then walked back over to her sales assistant and said very sternly, “You must never say that we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we have it on order and we expect it any day. Do you understand me?

Yes, mam!” responded the sales assistant.

So what was it the old lady was asking for?” enquired the store manager.

Rain”, responded her sales assistant.

Very Funny Jokes2. Bad news:

Dan went to his physician for his annual check-up.

However he was shocked when his doctor said to him, “I’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live.

Are you sure?” said Dan, “I feel fine. Isn’t there anything that can be done?”

“Well” said his doctor, “you could try taking a mud bath each day.”

“Will that cure me?” asked Dan.

“No, but it’ll get you used to the dirt”, responded the physician.

3. Embarrassing situations:

By nature Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes of this woman and eventually he plucked up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

Hello I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice, “No! I will not sleep with you tonight!

Jason blushed, beetroot red with embarrassment and everyone in the bar looked over to see what was going on.

So he walked back over to the counter where he’d been sitting, reflecting on how he might have handled the situation and intending to leave the bar as soon as he’d finished his drink.

However a couple of minutes later the attractive woman walked over to him and apologised.

I’m really sorry”, she said. “I’m a PhD student at Harvard and I’m doing research on how people respond in embarrassing situations.

To which Jason responded, yelling loudly at the top of his voice, “What do you mean you charge three hundred dollars minimum?

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37 funny comebacks for dealing with rude people

Funny ComebacksThe art of funny comebacks is one well worth developing.

We all have to deal with rude comments and mean and spiteful people occasionally. That’s all part of human existence.

However how often do you wish you had a suitable response ready to go to put such people firmly in their place?

If only you had a stock of funny comebacks to choose from when situations dictate?

Well here are 37 funny comebacks that you find useful when you’re faced with dealing with rude, mean or difficult people. How many of these can you work into your day?

If there are any of these funny comebacks that you particularly like then please share this post with your friends but not before you’ve enjoyed them all first.

Remember: When you share, everyone wins.

Funny Comebacks:

  1. You know you really should buy some breath mints? 
  2. I have better things to do than listen to you.
  3. Whoever told you to be yourself has given you bad advice.
  4. I don’t care what everyone else says, I don’t think you’re that bad.
  5. Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
  6. I believed in evolution until I met you.
  7. Have you ever wondered why people don’t like you?
  8. I accept I’m not perfect but at least I’m not you. 
  9. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
  10. You always bring me so much joy, the minute you leave the room.
  11. I don’t need a proctologist to tell me you’re an asshole.
  12. I’m not a cactus expert but I do know a prick when I see one.
  13. I would explain it to you but I have neither the time nor the crayons! 
  14. Sorry buddy but I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
  15. Look, if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I had to do was fart.
  16. If only your dad had used a condom, the world would be a better place.
  17. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Take a day off and give the rest of us a break.
  18. Everyone said you were unpleasant but I didn’t believe them ……. until now.
  19. Sorry but you’re confusing me with someone who actually cares about what you think.
  20. Are you always such an idiot or do you just like to show off when I’m around?
  21. I understand what you’re saying but if I agreed with you then we’d both be wrong.
  22. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Well, me neither.
  24. No wonder everyone talks about you behind your back.
  25. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it and remove all doubt.
  26. Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.
  27. I don’t remember asking for your opinion.
  28. I was going to give you a nasty look but I can see you already got one.
  29. I’m busy, you’re ugly. Have a nice day.
  30. Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale.
  31. I hope you step on a Lego in your bare feet. 
  32. You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.
  33. Of course I talk like an idiot. How else would you be able to understand me?
  34. You can keep rolling your eyes if you must but you’re unlikely to find a brain back there.
  35. I don’t know what your problem is but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
  36. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
  37. You sir are a human version of period cramps.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

25 brilliant one-liner quotes guaranteed to raise a smile

Brilliant one-linersHere are 25 brilliant one liner quotes guaranteed to raise a smile. I loved them all and I’m confident you will too. Enjoy!

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

  1. Everything’s difficult before it’s easy.
  2. I do all my own stunts but never intentionally.
  3. Don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
  4. Your secret’s safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
  5. If only we could invoice people for wasting our time.
  6. I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.
  7. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery.
  8. Sarcasm is just punching people in the face with words.
  9. The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.
  10. You never know what you’ve got until you clean your room.
  11. Be like the postage stamp. Stick to a thing until you get there.
  12. I intended to behave but there were so many other options.
  13. If Cinderella’s shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
  14. Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.
  15. Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
  16. Revenge sounds so mean. I prefer to call it returning the favour.
  17. They say nothing’s impossible but I’ve been doing nothing all day.
  18. I’m still waiting for the wisdom I was assured would come with age.
  19. If one door opens when another closes, your house is probably haunted.
  20. You know it’s time to move on when the best part of your job is a chair that swivels.
  21. If you want your children to listen to you, try talking in a very low voice to someone else.
  22. If you’re going to get into trouble for hitting someone, you might as well hit them hard.
  23. People who can’t find time for rest and recreation will be forced to make time for illness, sooner or later.
  24. All I’m saying officer is that if you caught me then you must have been speeding too and no one’s above the law.
  25. When you get angry take a deep breath and count to 10. Then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

Enjoyed these one-liners? Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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21 humorous quotes that will really tickle you

Humorous QuotesBy popular demand and just for you dear reader, here are another 21 humorous quotes that will really tickle you I’m sure.

Unfortunately I’ve struggled to identify the original authors of these witticisms so they must all be classified as ‘Author Unknown’.

However if anyone can help me on this point I’d be happy to give appropriate credits where possible. Just let me know either via Comments or Contact.

Either way I hope they will make you smile dear reader.

And should you be someone for whom life is tough right now, then I hope they bring a little light to what otherwise might be a dark day.

This is the latest collection of humorous quotes put together in response to requests from readers for more laughter and less gloom. So I hope that has been achieved.

These are probably as funny as any quotes you’ll read today or any day. Maybe you disagree? If so your comments would be welcome.

Laugh long and laugh loud for life is too short not to fill your days with laughter. Enjoy this moment, for this moment is your life.

Humorous QuotesHumorous Quotes:

  1. It was me, I let the dogs out.
  2. Parenthood is the scariest hood to go through.
  3. People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.
  4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  5. I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.
  6. Today is one of those days when even my coffee needs a coffee.
  7. I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
  8. An apple a day keeps anyone anyway, if you throw it hard enough.
  9. I’ve made it from the bed to the couch. There’s no stopping me now.
  10. Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
  11. I think something’s missing in my life. Like two or three million dollars.
  12. You know you’re a mom when you understand why mama bear’s porridge was cold.
  13. I once had a job in an orange juice factory but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
  14. I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.
  15. Dear life, when I said “can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  16. I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three or four times, you know, just to be sure!
  17. Don’t mess with me; I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.
  18. I was going to take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again!
  19. That awkward moment you can’t understand what somebody is saying after they’ve repeated it about five times.
  20. I remember years ago when all I wanted to do is be older. I was wrong.
  21. During his summer recess, Santa has been viewing your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.

Humorous QuotesPlease share this post on social media:

If you enjoyed these humorous quotes dear reader then please share this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

21 clever one-liners you’ll just love

Clever One-LinersHere are 21 clever one-liners you’ll just love. They’re all sharp and witty and guaranteed to amuse you. Take a minute to enjoy them all.

Clever one-liners:

  1. I can handle pain until it hurts.
  2. No I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
  3. I would lose weight but I hate losing.
  4. Life is just a sexually transmitted disease.
  5. I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
  6. Creditors have better memories than debtors.
  7. It’s only funny when it’s not happening to you.
  8. Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
  9. How could I miss you if you won’t go away?
  10. It’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  11. The light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
  12. A lottery is just a tax on people who don’t understand math.
  13. Life would be so much better if we could mute some people.
  14. When I need an expert’s advice, I stand in front of the mirror.
  15. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Some only gargle.
  16. If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
  17. Some people lose their tempers just from seeing you keep yours.
  18. I’m not looking for a stable relationship, I’ll settle for a stable internet connection.
  19. Don’t you just hate how spiders sit there on your wall and act like they pay rent?
  20. There is a solution for when your hair starts falling out. Put it in a box.
  21. People always say they don’t believe in ghosts until they hear a strange noise in the middle of the night.

Clever One-LinersEnjoyed these one-liners? Please share this post:

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When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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21 amusing one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

Amusing one-linersDo you enjoy a good one-liner dear reader? You do? Then here are 21 amusing one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile, so I’m hoping at least one or two of them will appeal to you too.

Take a few minutes to appreciate the art of the one-liner and see if you can work any of these lines into your day.

Amusing one-liners:

  1. Velcro is such a rip-off.
  2. Those who laugh last think slowest.
  3. With money only too much is enough.
  4. Your job is secure if no one else wants it.
  5. Dropped toast always lands jam-side down.
  6. Why is it that everyone my age is older than me?
  7. Sarcasm is the body’s natural shield against stupidity.
  8. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  9. Make love not war. If you want to do both, get married.
  10. There’s no such thing as arriving fashionably late in Crocs.
  11. I used to have a bandwagon but people kept jumping on it.
  12. Two French cheese trucks collided. De brie was everywhere.
  13. Relationships are like algebra. You look at your X and ask Y.
  14. You’re emotionally constipated if you haven’t given a shit for days.
  15. I’ve thought of buying a burial plot but it’s really the last thing I need.
  16. If the grass is greener on the other side then the water bill will be higher too.
  17. Whoever said nothing’s impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  18. Playing bridge is like sex. If you haven’t got a good partner you’ll need a good hand.
  19. Before you question forward planning remember, it wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
  20. I entered everything I’d eaten into my fitness app and immediately it sent an ambulance to my house.
  21. Eat sensibly, exercise and don’t drink alcohol if you want to live long enough to spend your last few years in a care home.

Amusing one-linersEnjoyed these one-liners?

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If it made you smile then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

Here are 21 of the best one-liners ever

Best one-liners everToday I offer you some of the best one-liners ever.

I love a great one-liner and these are all brilliant. They’re amusing, sharp and very witty. I hope at least one or two of them will brighten your day.

So take a couple of minutes and enjoy them all.

Best one-liners ever:

  1. Am I indecisive? I’m not sure.
  2. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  3. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
  4. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  5. A clean house suggests there’s no WiFi.
  6. Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.
  7. It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
  8. I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
  9. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  10. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic.
  11. You say you’re a compulsive liar but I don’t believe you.
  12. Since I had my neck-brace fitted I’ve never looked back.
  13. A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.
  14. You shouldn’t laugh at your wife’s choices because you’re one of them.
  15. You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon fails to return home then what you’ve actually lost is a pigeon.
  16. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving once, but you do need one to go twice.
  17. I love to hold hands at the movies but for some reason strangers sitting next to me never seem that keen.
  18. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you’ll look forward to the trip.
  19. Is it true that the security guys at the Samsung Store are known as Guardians of the Galaxy?
  20. You know they’re your friends when you walk into their home and you connect to the WiFi automatically.
  21. The absurdity of the sexual act is God’s way of reminding us that he really does have a sense of humor.

Enjoyed these one-liners? Please share them:

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If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

50 sarcastic remarks that say, ‘Don’t mess with me!’

Sarcastic RemarksIf you admire a clever put down or sharp, sarcastic remarks then here are 50 you might like to add to your quiver full of arrows.

These can be your ammunition for another day, when someone tries to put one over on you.

We all need a little ammunition for those occasions when we need to send a message to someone that says, ‘Don’t mess with me!

And of course we all need a good laugh too. So these should help with that as well. Enjoy them all.

Sarcastic Remarks:

  1. I’ve met some pricks in my time but you really are the full cactus.
  2. Tact is for people who lack the wit to respond with sarcasm.
  3. Leave sarcasm and insults to the professionals. You’re an amateur.
  4. I’m guessing you’re not a rocket scientist by profession?
  5. You’re mistaking me for someone who cares what you think.
  6. You’re about as useful as a condom with a hole in it.
  7. You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
  8. There’s more intelligent life at the bottom of ponds.
  9. The mirror doesn’t lie but lucky for you it doesn’t laugh either.
  10. If your aim was to impress me, you’ve failed.
  11. Does your carer know you’re out on your own?
  12. Did I ask for your opinion? I think not.
  13. If I act like I don’t care that’s because I don’t.
  14. If it’s loyalty you want get a dog.
  15. If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
  16. That’s an eye catching dress mam. Where did you buy it? Walmart?
  17. You’re living proof that even dumb people can find work.
  18. Has anyone ever told you that you’re a sandwich short of a picnic?
  19. You’re the result of four billion years of evolution. Try to act like it.
  20. That was about as interesting as watching paint dry.
  21. I’ve had more fun having root canal treatment.
  22. You’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer are you?
  23. Did you still find it funny when it happened to you?
  24. You’re not ugly. Unattractive definitely, but not really ugly.
  25. Sarcastic RemarksIf you don’t want sarcastic answers don’t ask me stupid questions.
  26. You have all the charm of a cobra in a bad mood.
  27. In another age you’d have been burned at the stake.
  28. Normally I pretend to like you but today I really can’t be bothered.
  29. Violence may not solve anything but it might make me feel better.
  30. Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.
  31. Sure I’ll help you out buddy. The same way you came in.
  32. Don’t take yourself too seriously, no one else does.
  33. If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
  34. You sound better with your mouth closed.
  35. I’m sorry. What language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.
  36. You have every right to express an opinion sir and I have every right to ignore it.
  37. Do I think you’re stupid? Well I was wondering how you manage to tie your shoe laces.
  38. You do realize that a line of work consistent with your weaknesses is not an ideal career choice?
  39. I know I asked for a rare steak but a good vet could have this one back on its feet again and grazing in the pasture.
  40. I’ve met stingy people before but you wouldn’t give anyone the snot from your nose.
  41. When they ask me to complete the customer satisfaction survey I’ll be sure to mention that you’re a complete asshole.
  42. I’ve met plenty of stupid people in my time but you’re taking stupidity to an entirely new level not seen before.
  43. Which part of ‘I’m not interested’ is too difficult for you to understand?
  44. I could insult you but it would be cruel to pick on someone so lacking in intellect that they cannot defend themselves.
  45. If that dress you’re wearing is part of a get-noticed strategy mam it’s working I can assure you.
  46. When I look at you I can see that the lights are on but no one’s home.
  47. I didn’t realize someone could be annoying at first sight …… until now!
  48. If I wrote down every intelligent thought you’d ever had it wouldn’t amount to a single tweet
  49. I didn’t say I hated you but I’d certainly unplug your life support if my phone needed charging.
  50. You’re a low paid gatekeeper in a cheap suit and a polyester tie getting off on your little bit of power. Enjoy the moment buddy. You know you’re nothing and so does everyone else.

Enjoyed these sarcastic remarks? Please share them:

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If any of these sarcastic remarks made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

3 hilariously funny story jokes to make you laugh

Hilariously funny story jokes1. Immaculate conception:

Jenny Smith accompanies her 15-year-old daughter Caitlyn to the doctor.

Good evening Mrs Smith”, says the doctor, “how can I be of help today?

Well Doctor Morgan, it’s my daughter Caitlyn”, says Mrs Smith, “she’s putting on weight, she’s being sick in the mornings and she keeps getting these cravings.”

The kindly doctor smiles and then says, “Right then let me take a look at her.”

He then examines Caitlyn thoroughly before turning to her mother and saying, “Well, I’m not quite sure how to break this news to you Mrs Smith but your daughter is pregnant. Probably about three months gone, I would estimate.

Jenny Smith is shocked. “Pregnant?” she says to the doctor.

Yes mam”, the doctor responds.

But how can that be?” says Mrs Smith. “She doesn’t even have a boyfriend. Do you Caitlyn?

No mom, I don’t” Caitlyn responds nervously. “I’ve never even kissed a boy and I’m still a virgin.

Doctor Morgan walks across to the window in his surgery and starts gazing out into the evening sky.

A few minutes pass before Mrs Smith feels compelled to say, “What’s the problem doctor is something wrong out there?

No, not really”, Doctor Morgan replies, “but the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men arrived on camels to witness the event. That’s definitely a spectacle I didn’t want to miss.

Hilariously funny story jokes2. If a job matters, don’t leave it to a man:

Gloria is getting increasingly concerned that her 3 year old son Billy looks completely different to both her and her husband Jeff.

So she decides to take Billy for a DNA test.

The results from the DNA test reveal that Billy is actually from completely different parents.

So when Jeff arrives home from work, Gloria says, “Honey, I’ve got something really serious to tell you.

Why? What’s wrong?” Jeff responds.

Well”, says Gloria, “according to DNA test results, Billy is not our child.

To which Jeff responds, “Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, ‘Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here’.”

Hilariously funny story jokes3. You can’t outsmart an old dog:

An old dog strays into a jungle and gets himself completely lost.

A hungry lion basking in the sun spots the old dog from a distance and thinks to himself “I’ve not seen this type of animal before but he sure looks edible.”

The lion then gets up and starts moving slowly towards the old dog, gradually picking up pace before he then sprints towards the dog with real menace in his eyes.

The old dog sees the charging lion and naturally he starts to panic. Who wouldn’t panic in these circumstances?

However the old dog is also very smart and he realises he cannot outrun the lion. So having noticed some bones next to him on the ground he picks one up and starts chewing at it.

As the lion gets close, he then says loudly, “Hmmmm, now that was some excellent lion meat!

Hearing this comment stops the lion in his tracks.

The lion stares at the old dog thinking, “This old fella must be a lot tougher than he looks. It’s might be a good idea to leave him alone.

A monkey in a nearby tree sees what’s happened and recognises that the old dog has managed to fool the lion.

Naturally the monkey thinks that this is a situation he might be able to exploit to his advantage.

So he goes over to the lion and tells him exactly what happened, in the hope that he might just get something in return.

The lion is angry that he’s fallen for the old dog’s deception, so he says to the monkey, “Get on my back now and we’ll get him together. We’ll teach him a lesson he won’t forget“.

So with the monkey on his back, the lion once again start rushing in the old dog’s direction.

Despite his advancing years, the old dog is quick to spot them and realizes what’s happened. He starts to panic again before he quickly gets another idea.

He then starts to act like he’s searching for something until they get close and then to ensure they hear him he shouts loudly, “Where’s that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago.

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So dear reader, did these hilariously funny story jokes make you laugh?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

15 amusing quotes by Spike Milligan

I love to read amusing quotes by Spike Milligan. He was undoubtedly a man with a funny bone.

In case you’re not familiar with his name, Spike Milligan was a funny, irreverent and much loved comedian and staple of British television and radio for many years in the post-war era and right up until his death in 2002.

Born Terence Alan Milligan in India, he was the son of a British Army Captain of Irish descent and an English mother.

In addition to being a wonderful comic performer, probably best known for his work with the Goon Show, he was also a successful writer, poet, playwright and actor.

Though he spent much of his early life in India, the majority of his adult life was spent in the United Kingdom.

However when the Commonwealth Immigrants Act removed Indian-born Milligan’s automatic right to British citizenship in 1962, despite his own service in the British Army as well as his father’s, he became an Irish citizen, exercising a right conferred through his Irish-born father.

I think he was a genuinely funny man and to prove it, here are 15 of his razor-sharp quips. Enjoy them all.

Quotes by Spike Milligan:

  1. All men are cremated equal. ~Spike Milligan
  2. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. ~Spike Milligan
  3. I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. ~Spike Milligan
  4. Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? ~Spike Milligan
  5. Money couldn’t buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy. ~Spike Milligan
  6. I’m a hero with coward’s legs. ~Spike Milligan
  7. How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. ~Spike Milligan
  8. I turned and rubbed my hands with glee. I always keep a tin of glee handy. ~Spike Milligan
  9. I can speak Esperanto like a native. ~Spike Milligan
  10. I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Spike Milligan
  11. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~Spike Milligan
  12. Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death. ~Spike Milligan
  13. A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherd’s Bush. ~Spike Milligan
  14. A family man from Siberia; As a father was very inferior; But one operation; Revised the situation; And now he’s Mother Superior. ~Spike Milligan
  15. And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. ~Spike Milligan

Please share with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Spike Milligan amusing?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated.

Thank you.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.