5 brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day

hilarious joke of the dayIf you’re looking for some brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day then I’ve got five little gems for you here today. I’m confident they’ll all make you smile.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Hilarious joke of the day:

1. The Pull-Over:

Jim Murphy is a Texas State trooper patrolling the highway and he pulls over a car for speeding on the Interstate 35 about 15 miles north of Austin.

Officer Murphy approaches the car and asks the driver why he was speeding.

The driver gets out of his car and he’s very apologetic. 

I’m sorry officer,” says the driver, “but I’m a magician and juggler and I’m late for a show in Temple. If I don’t make it on time, I won’t get paid.”

Sir, this might be your lucky day,” says Officer Murphy, “because I love to watch juggling. So, if you can demonstrate some impressive juggling skills then I won’t give you a ticket.”

Oh, officer,” says the driver, “I can’t do that because my equipment has been sent on ahead and I don’t have anything to juggle.”

Well,” says Officer Murphy, “I have some flares in the trunk of my car, could you juggle them?

Sure!” says the driver.

So Officer Murphy gets five flares from the trunk, lights them all and hands them to the driver.

The driver then starts to juggle the flares with considerable skill.

Whilst doing so, another car pulls in behind the State trooper’s car. 

A drunken good old boy from Georgetown staggers out of this car, watches the juggling momentarily and then staggers over to Officer Murphy’s car, opens the rear door and climbs in. 

Officer Murphy watches him briefly and then goes over to his car and asks this guy what he thinks he’s doing.

“You might as well haul my butt off to jail officer,” says the drunk. “There ain’t no way I can pass that test right now.” 

2. Grumpy old man:

Dick and Doris are on a road trip on Interstate 5 from Sacramento to Albany, California.

They stop at a roadside diner for lunch.

After finishing their lunch, they leave the diner and continue on their journey to Albany. 

As they leave the diner, Doris forgetfully leaves her spectacles on the table. 

They’re driving along for about 45 minutes before Doris suddenly realises that she’s left her spectacles behind.

Dick,” Doris exclaims, “I left my spectacles on the table in the diner. I can’t be without them. We’ll have to go back.

Dick is really not happy about this, particularly as it’s another 20 minutes before they reach a junction where they can turn around and head back to the diner.

Doris,” said Dick, “I can never rely on you to get anything right, can I? We’ve added two  hours onto our journey just because you couldn’t remember your spectacles.”

For the entire journey back to the diner, Dick bitched and moaned in stereotypical grumpy old man fashion, blaming poor Doris for everything that was wrong in the world.

The more Dick chided her, the angrier he got and he didn’t let up for a single minute until eventually, they reached the diner.

As Doris got out of the car, she said, “I’ll be very quick, Dick, just bear with me one minute.”

Responding grumpily, Dick said, “Well, while you’re in there you might as well get my hat and the credit card I left behind.”

3. The Pope visits Liverpool:

The Pope’s on a visit to Liverpool and he’s handing out miracles to kids in a poor neighbourhood.

A young teenager named Jack walks up to him and says, “Holy Father, could you help me with my hearing?

The Pope says, “Yes, of course, my son.” He then puts his hands on Jack’s ears and starts praying.

After a few moments, the Pope removes his hands from Jack’s ears and says, “How’s your hearing now my son?

I don’t know, Hold Father,” says Jack, “I’m not up in Court until Thursday.”

4. The elevator ride:

hilarious joke of the dayAn old lady gets into an elevator on the Ground Floor of the Empire State Building in Manhattan.

On the very next floor, a young, well-dressed and beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling of very expensive perfume.

The young woman smiles at the old lady and notices she’s sniffing at the fragrance in the air. So, the young woman says, a little arrogantly, “Do you like it? It’s Dolce & Gabbana Dolce Eau de Parfum Spray and it’s $122.00 a bottle.

The old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

A couple of floors further up and the elevator stops again and in gets another beautiful young woman, once again, smelling of costly perfume.

As the old lady is once again sniffing at the fragrance in the air, this young woman smiles and says, “Do you like it? It’s Atelier Bloem Nieuw Amsterdam Eau de Parfum and it’s $195.00 a bottle.

Once again, the old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

Ten floors further up and the old lady is about to reach her destination when she couldn’t stop herself from dropping an ass blast, loudly, and there’s the most terrible smell.

As she’s leaving the elevator, and noticing the look on their faces, the old lady smiles at her two fellow passengers and says, “Do you like it? Broccoli. 48 cents a pound.”

5. The cab driver and the nun:

A cab driver picks up a nun on Central Park West.

The cab driver can’t help staring at his passenger.

Why are you staring at me?” asked the nun.

Well, Sister,” says the cab driver, “I’ve always had this fantasy to kiss a nun.

The nun smiles at him and says, ”I can only kiss you if you’re single and Catholic.

That’s lucky,” says the cab driver, “I’m both!

So they agree to pull over into an alley and the nun proceeds to kiss the driver in a way that would make a lady of the night blush.

As they continue on their journey, the cab driver starts feeling guilty.

Sister,” says the cab driver, “I have a confession to make.”

And what would that be?” asks the nun.

I lied to you,” says the cab driver. “I’m actually married and I’m Jewish.

That’s OK,” says the nun, “My name’s Keith and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.

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So dear reader, would any of these contenders be your hilarious joke of the day? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

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21 witty short jokes to tickle you and brighten your day

Witty Short JokesIf you’re looking for some witty short jokes to make you smile, then here are 21 that I hope will brighten your day.

Enjoy them all and then please pass them on.

Witty Short Jokes:

  1. I saw a robbery in an Apple Store. Does that make me an iWitness?
  2. Q: Does February like March? A: No, but April May
  3. I have a fear of long distances, so I go to great lengths to avoid them.
  4. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.
  5. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  6. Q: What did the snowman say to the customer? A: Have an ice day!
  7. Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It’s pasteurized before you even see it!
  8. Q: Why do seals swim in saltwater? A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
  9. I had a fear of speed bumps but I slowly got over it
  10. Q: When does a duck wake up? A: At the quack of dawn.
  11. My girlfriend left me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I don’t have any.
  12. Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree? A: It sits on a leaf and waits till the Fall.
  13. I don’t normally tell dad jokes but when I do, he always laughs.
  14. Q: Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A: A convict.
  15. I went to my doctor to see why I had such an excessive fear of snakes. He said I have a reptile dysfunction.
  16. Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? A: No eye deer.
  17. A girl in the office asked me if I had a date for Valentine’s Day. I told her it’s always February 14th, as far as I know.
  18. Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers? A: Leeks!
  19. An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?” The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”
  20. Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who’s trying to quit smoking? A: A pumpkin patch!
  21. I have a fear of overly designed buildings. It’s a complex complex complex

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So dear reader, did you find these witty short jokes as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

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3 of the funniest jokes about law and order

funniest jokes about law and orderDear reader, are you in need of a good laugh? Well, here are 3 of the funniest jokes about law and order to brighten your day. They all made me smile, so I do hope you’ll enjoy them too.

They say laughter is the best medicine and I agree. When you’re feeling down and in need of cheering up, few things have a greater impact than a good joke.

So relax, take a few minutes and enjoy them all. And please feel free to pass them on.

Funniest jokes about law and order:

1. Rookie cop:

Jake is a rookie cop and he’s on his first day in a patrol car.

His partner is Vinny, an experienced cop who’s been around the block a few times and he knows the score.

Nothing much happens for the first hour of their shift but then suddenly they get a call on the radio asking them to disperse a group of people who’ve been reported as loitering on Main Street.

Let me deal with this one Vinny”, says Jake, all pumped up and ready to go.

OK buddy, go for it!” Vinny responds.

As their patrol car approaches Main Street they can see a small crowd on the corner.

So Jake jumps out of the patrol car, approaches the small crowd and says, “Okay people can we move along now, please. Come on now, quick as you can. Nothing to see here. Surely you’ve all got homes to go to?

The crowd ignores Jake’s instruction, so he feels compelled to repeat his command, “Come on now move along, please. There’s nothing to see here. Failure to comply with a police officer’s instruction is a misdemeanour and I will have to book you if you don’t move along.

Well, his comment about being booked seems to do the trick because people then start to drift away in different directions.

His confidence boosted by his apparent success, Jake gets back into the patrol car.

Jake smiles at Vinny and says, “Not a bad start don’t you think?

Yeah, I guess so”, says Vinny, “pity it was Bus Stop though.

2. Don’t mess with old people:

Fred is an older man living on his own when he spots burglars breaking into the shed in his garden one night.

Naturally, he’s left feeling a little insecure by this turn of events, so he calls 911.

Well, the 911 operator advises Fred that there are no patrol cars available in his area to help him right now.

So Fred hangs up the phone and waits for a few minutes before he calls 911 again.

I called you a few minutes ago to report burglars in my garden shed. Well you can cancel my request for help now because I’ve just shot them all”, says Fred.

Within minutes there are three patrol cars outside Fred’s house with sirens wailing and blue lights flashing.

One of the police officers marches up the drive and says to Fred, “I thought you said you’d shot them all?

And I thought you said that there were no patrol cars available,” says Fred.

Funniest Jokes About Law and Order3. Silence in court:

Jim is in the dock facing a double murder charge.

You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner”, says the Judge.

Hearing this charge, a man in the public gallery screams, “You bastard.

Ignoring this interruption the Judge continues, “You are also charged with beating your wife’s lover to death with a spanner.”

Again the man in the public gallery screams, “You bastard.

Irritated by this second interruption, the Judge turns her attention to the gallery and says, “Sir I understand your outrage at what are terrible crimes but I will not tolerate another such outburst in this courtroom. Interrupt again and you will be held in contempt of court.

I’m sorry your honour”, said the man, “but I’ve lived next door to this bastard for 12 years and every time I’ve asked to borrow a spanner he told me he didn’t have one.

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I hope you found these the funniest jokes about law and order dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please do it now. I will be ever so grateful.

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5 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today or any day

Funniest JokesIf you’ve been searching for the funniest jokes then I’m sure you’ll enjoy the five I have on offer here. They all made me laugh and I hope you enjoy them. too, dear reader.

And if you do enjoy them, don’t forget to pass them on. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So, thank you.

Funniest Jokes:

1. Fred & Ginger dining out:

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining out in a very swanky, five-star New York City hotel and they’d both made a point of dressing for the occasion.

Ginger looked absolutely stunning in her ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred arrived in his trademark top hat, white tie and tails. They both looked like the million-dollar movie stars they were.

All was going well with dinner until they got to dessert. While serving dessert the clumsy waiter managed to trip and Fred was showered from head to toe in treacle pudding.

Oh, I’m most terribly sorry, Mr Astaire,” said the waiter.

Fred was not amused. “So you ought to be,” he said angrily.

Fred sat there fuming as the waiter tried his best to assist.

Look at the state of me now,” said Fred. “I’ve pudding on my top hat; pudding on my white tie; and pudding on my tails.

2. Church on Sunday:

Leaving church one Sunday Bernadette said to her husband Frank, “Do you think Mrs O’Shaughnessy is dying her hair?

To be honest Bernadette, I didn’t even notice Mrs O’Shaughnessy,” Frank responded.

They walked together quietly for a few moments and then Bernadette remarked, “Did you see that skirt Mrs Kilkenny was wearing? Now don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate for a 40-year-old mother of six.

I’m afraid I didn’t really notice Mrs Kilkenny either,” said Frank.

Huh!” Bernadette responded dismissively. “A lot of good it does you going to church on Sundays.

3. The will reading:

A lawyer was reading out the will of a wealthy man to his family and everyone mentioned in the document.

To my loving wife Mary, my rock and without whom my life would have been very different, I leave the mansion in Bel-Air and $20 million,” the lawyer read out loud.

He paused momentarily for his audience to digest this information and then he continued reading.

To my darling daughter Louisa who supported me so much when my health began to fail and never once complained, I leave my business, my yacht and $1 million,” said the lawyer.

Again he paused momentarily to allow this information to sink in.

The lawyer then continued reading the final section of the will, “And to my brother Neville who argued with me constantly, hated my guts and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Neville!

4. Engine trouble:

While cruising at 35,000 feet, the aircraft suddenly shuddered violently.

One passenger looked out of the window and then shouted, “Oh my God! One of the engines has just blown up.

The passengers were white with fear when moments later the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as an engine on the opposite side exploded.

Passengers started to panic and the cabin crew struggled to keep order.

However, just then the Captain strode confidently from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing about which they should be alarmed.

Reassured by the Captain’s calm manner, passengers returned to their seats and he coolly walked over to the aircraft’s door.

He then grabbed several packages from under the seats near the door and started handing them to the rest of the crew.

Crew members immediately fastened these packages to their backs.

One observant passenger said, “Hey, aren’t they parachutes?

Yes,” said the Captain.

But you said there was no need to be alarmed,” the passenger responded.

There isn’t,” replied the Captain as a third engine suddenly exploded. “We’re going to get help.

5. Cashflow problem at the zoo:

A zoo was experiencing serious cash flow problems due to visitor numbers falling.

The zoo’s management got together to discuss how they could reverse the trend by introducing a major attraction.

Following the meeting, the manager persuaded a visitor, who was a very big, stocky man, to take a job dressing up in a gorilla costume and masquerading as a great ape.

This deception worked well as the man really threw himself into the role with enthusiasm; devouring buckets of bananas, swinging from branches, pacing his cage menacingly, beating his chest and roaring loudly.

However one day he went a bit too far and he accidentally fell into the lion’s enclosure next door.

Panicking, the bogus gorilla started shouting, “Help! Help!

The lion let out a tremendous roar, and then rushed at him. He put his paw on the bogus gorilla’s chest and growled, “Shut up buddy, or we’ll both lose our jobs!

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33 funny jokes for 5-year-olds that’ll tickle adults too

Jokes-for-5-year-oldsIf you’re looking for funny jokes for 5-year-olds then I’ve curated 33 of them and I think they might just tickle you too, dear reader. I hope so, anyway.

Take a few moments to enjoy them all, or at least groan at a few, and then share them with the 5-year-olds in your life, and anyone else you think they’ll amuse as well.

Jokes for 5-year-olds (1-11):

  1. What pie can fly? – A magpie.
  2. What’s a vampire’s favourite fruit? – Nectarine.
  3. How do you start a milk pudding race? – Say go.
  4. What do you call a surgeon with eight arms? – A doctorpus
  5. What do you call a bike that bites people? – A vicious cycle.
  6. Which sea creature is good at math? – An octoplus.
  7. What do you call a Scottish parrot? – A Macaw.
  8. What do you call a pickle that draws? – A dillustrator.
  9. Who was the pizza’s favourite relative? – Aunt Chovy.
  10. Where would seaweed look for a job? – The kelp-wanted ads.
  11. What grace is said before a salad is eaten? – Lettuce pray.

Jokes for 5-year-olds (12-22):

  1. Why do lions eat raw meat? – They don’t know how to cook it.
  2. What food can be eaten in a taxi? – Corn-on-the-cab.
  3. Where would you see hamburgers boxing? – In an onion ring.
  4. What did the dinner plate say to the side plate? – Lunch is on me.
  5. What lies on the forest floor, 100 feet in the air? – A dead centipede.
  6. Which vegetable is most unreliable? – A fickle onion.
  7. What goes up but doesn’t come down? – Your age.
  8. What kind of nut will you find on a wall? – A walnut.
  9. So, how long were you there? – About five foot eleven.
  10. Why do the French eat snails? – They don’t like fast food.
  11. In what way are cooks cruel to animals? – They batter fish.

Jokes for 5-year-olds (23-33):

  1. Why did the sandwich go to the dentist? – It needed a filling.
  2. How long should you cook spaghetti? – About 30 centimetres.
  3. What is served in glasses but is hard to swallow? – A stiff drink.
  4. Why did the pickle stay home from school? – Because he felt dill.
  5. What did one snowman say to the other? – Can you smell carrots?
  6. What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? – A coconut on holiday.
  7. Why did the orange go to the doctor? – He wasn’t peeling very well.
  8. How did the Irish potato change nationality? – It became a French fry.
  9. Why did the banana go out with the prune? – Because he couldn’t find a date.
  10. What did one strawberry say to another? – I told you we’d end up in this jam.
  11. Which is the best, a hamburger or a hot dog? – A hamburger because hot dogs are wurst.

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3 entertaining jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

entertaining-jokesIf you’re looking for some entertaining jokes then here are three that should make you smile.

They all tickled me and I’m confident that you too will enjoy them, dear reader. I hope so anyway.

So, take a moment to have a laugh and then please pass them on.

Entertaining jokes:

1. Challenging times:

A pirate walks into a bar in Bermuda.

He walks up to the counter and the bartender says, “Hello matey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

What do you mean?” says the pirate. “I feel fine.”

Well, you didn’t have that wooden leg last time I saw you,” says the bartender.

Oh, that,” responds the pirate. “We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball but I’m fine now.

Really?” says the bartender. “What about the hook? What happened to your hand?

Well, we were in another battle and my hand got chopped off in a sword fight,” says the pirate. “However I got fitted with the hook and I’m fine now.”

Seriously?” says the bartender. “But what about the eye patch?

Look, it’s nothing,” says the pirate. “One day we’re at sea and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.”

You’ve got to be joking,” says the bartender. “You lost your eye just from seagull poop?

It was my first day with the hook,” says the pirate.

2. Priorities:

Two businessmen, Jim and George, are playing golf.

They’re on the seventh tee and Jim is just about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the perimeter fence.

Jim immediately aborts his swing, takes off his hat, holds it to his chest, closes his eyes and bows his head in solemn contemplation.

When the funeral cortége has passed, George says, “That’s the most touching moment I’ve ever seen Jim. Clearly, you’re a man who’s willing to show his feelings.

Jim quickly recovers his composure, smiles and then says, “Well, I was married to her for 35 years.

3. Tricky decision:

entertaining-jokesHis Holiness the Pope, head of the Catholic Church, is visiting New York City.

Naturally, there’s a limousine waiting for him as he arrives at JFK.

After getting the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, the chauffeur realises that the pontiff is still standing on the sidewalk.

Oh, I’m so sorry your holiness,” says the chauffeur, “I was so busy, I didn’t realise you were still standing there. Please take your seat in the car and we’ll leave momentarily.

“My son, if truth be told, it’s always been my ambition to drive in New York City,” says the Pope. “They never let me drive in Rome. Would it be possible for me to drive today? Just into the city? You’d be making an old man very happy.”

Your holiness, I couldn’t do that. I’d lose my job!” the chauffeur responds.

Who’s going to know?” the Pope asks with a smile. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

Reluctant though he was, eventually the chauffeur allows himself to be persuaded.

So with a beaming smile, the Pope climbs into the driver’s seat and the chauffeur takes a seat in the back of the car.

For once he’s as free as a bird, so the pontiff decides to make the most of the experience. He presses the pedal hard to the metal, the limo takes off and they hit the freeway doing 120 mph.

Your holiness,” pleads the chauffeur, “you’ll get a ticket if you don’t slow down.

Well, his holiness wasn’t listening. They’re really moving at high speed when suddenly they hear the sound of a police car siren.

Oh, holy mother of Jesus,” says the worried chauffeur. “I’m definitely going to lose my job now.

Naturally, the Pope has no choice but to pull over.

His holiness rolls down his window as police officer Mackenzie approaches the limo.

Officer Mackenzie just takes one look at the man in the driver’s seat and he turns and goes straight back to his car and gets on to the police radio.

I need to talk to the Chief of Police now,” police officer Mackenzie says to the dispatcher.

After a few minutes, The Chief of Police is on the radio and police officer Mackenzie tells him that he’s stopped a limo doing 120 mph on the freeway.

So what’s the problem? Just bust his ass!” says the Chief.

Sir, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” police officer Mackenzie responds. “There’s someone really important in the car.”

So? That’s all the more reason to bust him,” exclaims the Police Chief.

No sir, I mean some who’s really, really important,” says police officer Mackenzie.

So, who’s in the car?” asks the Chief. “Is it the Mayor?

No sir. Much bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

You mean a Senator?” asks the Chief.

No sir. Much bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

You mean the President?” exclaims the Chief.

No sir. Even bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

Bigger than the President?” exclaims the Chief. “Well, who the hell is it?

Sir, I think it’s God,” police officer Mackenzie responds.

GOD!” exclaims the Chief. “What makes you think it’s God?

Because his chauffeur’s the Pope!” says police officer Mackenzie.

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Entertaining-JokesDid you enjoy these entertaining jokes? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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3 funny jokes to tell your friends to make them laugh

funny-jokes-to-tell-your-friendsIf you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends then look no further. Here are three little gems that are guaranteed to raise a smile.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. Challenging times:

When Jim arrived home one day, he was met at his front door by his wife, Elaine. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

What’s the matter, honey?” asked Jim.

It’s the pharmacist,” Elaine responded. “He insulted me terribly when I spoke with him on the phone earlier.”

Naturally, Jim drove downtown immediately to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before Jim could say more than a few words the pharmacist interrupted him.

Sir, please just listen to my side of the story first,” said the pharmacist.

Go on then, I’m listening,” said Jim sharply.

Well, this morning,” said the pharmacist, “my alarm failed to go off and so I was late getting up. I missed breakfast and hurried to my car. However, as I slammed my front door, I then realised that it had locked with the keys to the house and the car inside. So, I had to break a window to get back in the house to get my keys.

But how does that explain the way you spoke to my wife,” asked Jim.

Sir, I’m getting to that,” said the pharmacist. “Naturally, having broken a window, I had to board it up before I left. That made me even later. So, I was speeding in my car, in an attempt to make up the time, but a cop stopped me and I got a speeding ticket. Then three blocks from my store I got a flat tire.

So, you were unfortunate, so what?” Jim responds.

I lost more time changing the wheel on my car,” the pharmacist continued, “and then when I got to my store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open. They were unhappy but I served them as quickly as I could, despite their moaning at me, and all the time the phone was ringing off the hook.”

Fine, but how does that explain your treatment of my wife,” asks Jim.

Well, the pressure didn’t end there,” the pharmacist continued. “To give a customer change, I had to break a roll of nickels but they spilt out of my hands, all over the floor. I get down on my knees to pick up all the nickels and the phone is still ringing. Then, I’m getting up off my knees only to crack my head on the open cash register. I then fell backwards against I showcase of expensive perfume bottles. They all hit the floor and there was glass smashed everywhere. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing.

So, what did you do then,” asked Jim.

Well, finally, I had no choice but to answer the phone,” said the pharmacist. “It was your wife and she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And I can honestly say mister, all I did was tell her!

2. Misunderstanding:

My wife and I were all dressed up and ready to go out for an evening of dinner and theatre. However, having been burgled previously, naturally, we were security conscious. So we turned on a night light and put our cat out in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we were walking out of our front door when our cat Milly shot back in again and ran up the stairs.

Unfortunately, Milly liked to chase our pet parakeet, so the two of them couldn’t be left alone in the house together.

So, my wife went back into the house to catch the cat and put it back outside again.

Naturally, security-conscious as ever, I didn’t want the cab driver to know our house would be empty, so I told him that my wife had just gone inside momentarily to say good night to her mother.

A few minutes later my wife got into the cab looking very hot and bothered.

Sorry, it took so long,” she said. “The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then she tried to take off again, so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. So, she’d better not crap on my vegetable garden whilst we’re out!

The look on the cab driver’s face was priceless.

3. Communication breakdown:

Judge Bernstein was interviewing an elderly lady regarding her pending divorce.

So, Mrs Thompson,” said Judge Bernstein, “what are the grounds for your divorce?

About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by,” replied Mrs Thompson.

No,” he said the judge, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?

Oh,” Mrs Thompson responded, “it’s made of wood, slate, brick and mortar.”

No, no,” said the judge, “I mean, what are your relations like?

Well,” she Mrs Thompson, “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my husband.

Mrs Thompson, do you have a real grudge?” the judge asked warily.

No, your honour,” replied Mrs Thompson. “We have a two-car carport.”

The judge tried once again, “Please, Mrs Thompson, is there any infidelity in your marriage?

Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “Both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”

Mam, please,” said the judge. “Does your husband ever beat you up?

Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “He gets up earlier than I do on Saturdays when he’s playing golf.

Finally, the judge cannot contain his frustration any longer.

Lady, why do you want a divorce?” he asks.

Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” Mrs Thompson replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can’t communicate with me!

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3 funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two

funny-jokes-for-everyoneHere are three very funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two today.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny jokes for everyone:

1. The subtle art of getting even:

Seventeen-year-old Brandon arrived home one day driving a fabulous Porsche 917K sports car.

Naturally, for his parents witnessing his arrival, this was a jaw-dropping moment.

Where the hell did you get that car, Brandon?” asks his father. “Did you steal it?

No, Dad,” replies Brandon. “I bought it.”

Brandon,” says his mother, “a car like that would cost in excess of $10 million. How could you possibly have bought it?

Oh, mum, you’re exaggerating,” says Brandon. “It only cost me fifteen dollars.

Fifteen dollars!” exclaims his father. “Who’d be mad enough to sell you a car like that for fifteen dollars?

It was Mrs Jones who lives in that large mansion on my paper route,” replies Brandon. “She saw me on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

Well, Brandon’s mother and father felt compelled to pay Mrs Jones a visit.

When Mrs Jones answered the knock on her door, Brandon’s father was quick with his questions, “Why would you sell my son a classic sports car for fifteen dollars? What the hell is going on?

It’s very simple, really,” Mrs Jones replied. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. He told me he’d decided to run off for a new life in Hawaii with his secretary. He said he wasn’t coming back and he asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So I did.

2. Senior moment:

funny-jokes-for-everyoneBetty, an elderly Florida lady, had been doing her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

Being the feisty lady that she was, she dropped her shopping to the floor and then grabbed a Smith & Wesson 5906 from her purse and shouted as loud as she could, “Yes, I’m armed; yes, it’s loaded; and yes, I know how to use it! Get out of the car punks!

The four young men could see that this wasn’t a lady to be messed with, so they got out of the car and ran like hell.

Feisty as she was, naturally, Betty was still a little shaken by her experience and the adrenaline was definitely pumping through her veins.

She loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car, and then she got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she couldn’t get her key into the ignition.

Well, she tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason that she was suddenly wondering why was there a football, a Frisbee and two 6-packs of beer on the rear seat?

Suddenly, it dawned on her that her own car was actually located seven spaces farther along the parking line.

Oh dear!” she exclaimed to herself

So, she transferred her shopping into her own car and then she drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four very pale young men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, curly white hair, who was armed and dangerous.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story: If you’re going to have a senior moment, make it memorable.

3. Medical cover:

Jim was out shopping in his local mall one day.

He’s browsing in a store when suddenly he suffers a serious heart attack.

Naturally, as soon as the clerks see Jim collapse on the floor, they called 911.

Within minutes paramedics are on the scene and Jim’s rushed to the nearest hospital, where he undergoes emergency open-heart, bypass surgery.

A few hours later, Jim is awakened from his surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

Sister Philomena, a young nun, is seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.

Sir,” says Sister Philomena. “I know this is a difficult moment for you but I need to ask you, who is going to pay for your treatment? Do you have health insurance?

No mam, I don’t have any health insurance,” Jim responds, almost whispering.

Well then, do you have any money in the bank?” asks Sister Philomena.

No mam, I don’t have any money in the bank either,” Jim responds, once again, in an almost inaudible whisper.

Starting to get a little concerned, Sister Philomena asks, “Do you have any relatives who could help you with the payments?

Well, I only have a spinster sister but she’s a nun,” Jim responds.

Sister Philomena is really irritated by this insensitive comment and she announces loudly, for everyone to hear, “Sir, nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!

Well then, that’s perfect,” says Jim. “You’ll be able to send the bill to my brother-in-law.

Please share this post with your friends:

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I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

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5 entertaining jokes guaranteed to raise a laugh or two

entertaining-jokesIf you enjoy entertaining jokes then here are five that I’m confident will make you smile.

Enjoy them all and share them all with your friends.

Entertaining jokes:

1. Softball fanatics:

Two 90-year-old women, Mabel and Lily, had been the best of friends all of their lives.

Now Mabel had been in poor health for a couple of years and it was clear that her last days were not too far away. Naturally, her good friend Lily visited her every single day.

One day as they were chatting, Lily said, “Mabel, we’ve both enjoyed playing softball all our lives. All through high school and ever since we really enjoyed playing the game we both love. So, do me a great favour. When you get to Heaven, please find a way to let me know whether I’ll be able to play softball with you when we’re both there.

Mabel looked up from her deathbed and said, “Lily, you’ve been my best friend since we were children. If it’s at all possible, I will do this favour for you.”

They were to be Mabel’s last words because, sadly, she passed away silently in her sleep that very night.

The following night, Lily was awakened suddenly from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light, and a voice calling out to her, “Lily, Lily!

Who is it?” said Lily.

Lily,” said the voice, “it’s me, your friend Mabel.”

You can’t be Mabel,” said Lily. “Mabel passed away yesterday.”

Lily, it is me, Mabel,” insisted the voice.

Mabel, where are you then?” asked Lily.

I’m in Heaven,” said Mabel. “I’ve got some good news for you and a little bad news too.

What’s the good news?” asked Lily.

Well, the good news is that women’s softball is played in Heaven,” said Mabel.

Oh, that’s wonderful,” said Lily.

Better still,” said Mabel, “all of our old buddies who died before me are here to play with too.”

“Really?” said Lily.

Yes,” Mabel responded. “And even better than that, we’re all young again, it’s always springtime up here, and it never rains or snows. We can play softball whenever we want, and we never get tired.”

Wow,” said Lily “that’s fantastic. So, what’s the bad news?

You’ll be pitching next Tuesday?” Mabel responded.

2. Married bliss:

Jim and Jean had been married for over 30 years and, in all that time, they’d never fought, not even once.

One day, Jim and his friend Bill were talking and Bill was impressed to hear about what sounded like such a harmonious relationship.

How is that even possible?” Bill asked.

Well,” said Jim, “when we got married, we stayed at my late uncle’s Texas ranch for our honeymoon. On the first day we went out horse riding and we hadn’t gone far before Jean’s horse jumped and she fell off.

Really?” Bill exclaimed. “So, what happened then?

Well, as cool as you like,” said Jim, “Jean just got up, patted the horse and then said, ‘This is your first time!’.

Wow!” said Bill.

After a while,” Jim continued, “it happened again. And again, Jean just got up, patted the horse and said, ‘This is your second time!’.”

I’m guessing that’s not the end of the story,” said Bill.

No,” said Jim. “It happened again, and this time she pulled out a gun and shot the horse.

No!” said a very surprised Bill. “What happened then?

I shouted at her,” said Jim. “Are you crazy? You’ve just killed a perfectly innocent animal!

Jim paused momentarily and then continued, “She gave me a menacing look and then said, ‘This is your first time!’.

3. Smart sheepdog:

A farmer wants to check how many sheep he has in his field.

So he decides to ask his sheepdog to count them all.

The dog runs into the field, counts them all and runs back to the farmer.

How many?” the farmer asks.

Forty,” says the dog.

How can there be forty,” the farmer asks, “I only bought thirty-eight.”

I rounded them up,” the dog responded.

4. Caring son:

Hello,” said the voice. “Is this the Police?

Yes,” said the operator, “How can we help you?

I’m calling to report Jim Brown,” said the voice.

Why?” said the operator, “What’s he done?

He’s hiding drugs inside his wood store,” said the voice.

That very evening, after dark, the police swooped on the house of Jim Brown.

They search his wood store thoroughly and then, with sharp axes, they chop up every log, reducing them all to pieces of firewood.

The Police find absolutely nothing and so they leave empty-handed.

The next day, Jim Brown receives a telephone call from his son.

Hi Dad, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come over to help you yesterday but did the Police arrive?” asked his son.

Yes,” Jim responded.

Did they chop up all your firewood?” his son asks.

Yes, they did,” says Jim.

That’s great Dad,” says his son, “Happy birthday!

entertaining-jokes5. The trip to Rome:

Jane was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled ready for a trip to Rome with her husband.

Naturally, Jane is talking with her hairdresser and she mentions how excited she is to be going on her forthcoming trip to the Eternal City.

Rome?” said the hairdresser. “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?

Well,” said Jane, “we’re flying American Airlines and we got a really great deal on the tickets!

Oh, I just hate American Airlines,” said the hairdresser. “Their planes are old, their inflight service is terrible and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?

We’ll be staying at this exclusive little place called the Hotel Splendide Royal,” Jane responded. “Oh, I just can’t wait.”

Stop right there,” said the hairdresser. “I’ve heard about that place. Everybody thinks it’s special, but my friend told me it’s actually a real dump. So, what will you do whilst you’re there?

We’re going to see the Vatican,” said Jane, “and maybe we might even get to see the Pope.

The hairdresser laughed, “You and a million other people will be trying to see the Pope and, even if you do, he’ll look the size of an ant, you’ll be so far away. Sounds like a lousy trip. I wish you luck because you’re going to need it.

Six weeks later, Jane’s back from her trip and sitting in the same hairdresser’s having her hair styled once again.

Naturally, the hairdresser is interested to hear all about Jane’s trip to Rome.

Oh, it was wonderful,” said Jane, “the best vacation ever.”

Really!” said the hairdresser. “In what way was it so great?

Well, first off, the brand new plane we travelled on was overbooked and so American Airlines very kindly upgraded us to First Class at no charge,” said Jane. “The inflight service was terrific, the food and wine were just wonderful, we arrived bang on time, and the cabin crew couldn’t have been more attentive throughout the journey.

So, you got lucky with the flight,” said the hairdresser sarcastically. “How was the hotel?

Oh, my goodness, it couldn’t have been better,” said Jane. “It had recently had a major makeover, and because it was overbooked, we got upgraded to a suite, at no charge. Best hotel experience ever.

Well, lucky you,” muttered the hairdresser. “I’ll bet you didn’t get to see the Pope though.

Actually, we were very lucky,” said Jane. “We were walking around the Vatican when a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and said that the Pope would like to speak with me.

Oh, really!” said the hairdresser. “And what did the Pope have to say when you met him?

He said, my God woman, who made such a terrible mess of your hair?” said Jane with a smile.

Please share these entertaining jokes:

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8 funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work

funny-jokes-to-tellIf you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work, then look no further.

There are some excellent ones here. Well, I think so, anyway.

I hope you enjoy them all too. If you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell:

1. Turning a problem into an opportunity:

A young guy named Jim meets a farmer in a bar.

They get talking over a beer at the counter and very soon Jim’s bought a horse from the farmer unseen for $250. Not only has he not seen the nag, Jim even agreed to pay upfront too.

The farmer agrees to deliver the horse to Jim’s home the next day.

Sure enough the next morning the farmer arrives at Jim’s home but the news is not quite what Jim is expecting.

Sorry, son,” says the farmer, “but unfortunately the horse has died.

Well,” says Jim, “just give me back my money.”

“Sorry, son,” responds the farmer, “I can’t do that because I’ve already spent your money.”

“Well, in that case,” says Jim, “just bring me the dead horse.”

“What are you going to do with a dead horse?” asks the farmer.

“I’ll raffle him off, to get my money back,” says Jim.

You can’t raffle a dead horse!” exclaims the farmer, sounding a little surprised.

Sure, I can. Just watch me!” says Jim. “I just won’t mention the fact that the horse is dead.

A couple of months later, the farmer bumps into Jim in the same bar where they met originally.

Hi,” says the farmer. “Tell me, what happened to the dead horse?

I raffled him off like I said I would,” Jim responds.

Oh really, and how did that go?” asks the farmer.

It was brilliant,” says Jim. “I sold 1,000 raffle tickets at $5 each and after what I gave you for the horse plus expenses, I made $4,575 profit.”

Really?” says the farmer. “Didn’t anyone complain about the horse being dead?

Yes,” says Jim, “the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”

2. The power of flight:

Bill walks into a bar located on the roof terrace of a skyscraper in downtown Metropolis.

Bill’s standing at the counter waiting to be served, when the guy next to him offers him a sip of his cocktail.

Take a sip of this cocktail buddy,” the guy says, slurring his words. “It’s a special drink and it will give you the power of flight.

Oh, that’s got to be nonsense,” says Bill. “There’s no way taking a sip of someone’s drink will have me flying around the rooftops of Metropolis.”

Would I lie to you?” the guy says to Bill. “Let me show you.”

With that, the guy swallows the contents of the glass, then jumps off the roof, flies around in a wide circle and then glides smoothly back onto the roof terrace.

Bill is amazed by what he’s just witnessed. So he says to the bartender, “I’ll have whatever he’s been drinking.

Bill is served the same cocktail which he swallows in one and then he attempts to jump off the roof but falls flat on his face on the edge of the roof terrace.

The bartender looks at the guy who’d encouraged Bill to try the cocktail and says, “Dammit, you really are a nuisance to other customers when you’re drunk Superman.

3. Customer needs:

I was in Walmart just before Thanksgiving this year.

A lady was looking through a pile of frozen turkeys but she couldn’t seem to find one big enough for her needs.

I heard her speak with the clerk and she said, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?

No, mam!” he replied. “They’re all dead.”

Well, it made me smile.

4. Generous spirit:

I bumped into a woman outside the shopping mall who was crying because she’s just lost $200.

I felt really sorry for her, so I gave her $50 from the $200 I’d just found.

Well, when God smiles on you, it’s only right that you share your good fortune with those less fortunate than you.

5. Getting things done:

Yesterday, Mary’s husband Jim thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen.

So, naturally, Jim sprayed everything down very carefully and then cleaned the entire kitchen thoroughly from wall to wall and floor to ceiling. Absolutely nothing escaped his cleaning regime. When he’d finished the kitchen sparkled like new.

Today, Mary has put the cockroach in the bathroom.

Moral of the Story: Never, ever underestimate a woman’s cunning.

6. Corny joke of the week:

Last night I saw two cows playing poker whilst smoking a couple of huge spliffs.

Yes, that’s right! The steaks were high.

7. Caught out:

Jane arrived in the office one morning and her boss said to her, “Jane, do you believe in life after death?

Looking slightly puzzled, she responded, “Well, I’m not aware that there’s any proof it exists.

Well, in that case,” her boss said, “you might be interested to know that after you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, he came into the office looking for you.

8. Last Christmas Joke:

Three buddies had been having more than a few drinks in a series of Manhattan bars on Christmas Eve.

They’re staggering along Broadway trying to cross the street when they’re all hit by a truck and killed.

In the blink of an eye, they find themselves standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Gentlemen,” says St Peter, “to get into Heaven at this time of year, you must have something on you that represents Christmas.”

The first guy, Jim, flicks his cigarette lighter and says to St Peter, “The flame represents the light that Christmas brings to our lives.

Very good,” says St Peter. “James, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

The second guy, Stan, jingles his car keys and then says, “They represent the jingle of Santa’s sleigh bells.

Very good,” says St Peter. “Stanley, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

St Peter then looks at the last guy, Mick, who is staggering all over the place and rummaging around in his pockets.

Eventually, Mick pulls out some items of ladies underwear from his jacket pocket and holds them up for St Peter to see,

With a puzzled look on his face, St Peter asks, “Michael, how do these items represent Christmas?

Oh, they’re Carol’s,” said Mick, with a sheepish grin.

funny-jokes-to-tellPlease share these funny jokes to tell:

So dear reader, were any of the funny jokes to tell actually amusing? Did any of them make you smile?

If you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy funny jokes, so please share this post now.

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