3 funny jokes to tell your friends to make them laugh

funny-jokes-to-tell-your-friendsIf you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends then look no further. Here are three little gems that are guaranteed to raise a smile.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. Challenging times:

When Jim arrived home one day, he was met at his front door by his wife, Elaine. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

What’s the matter, honey?” asked Jim.

It’s the pharmacist,” Elaine responded. “He insulted me terribly when I spoke with him on the phone earlier.”

Naturally, Jim drove downtown immediately to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before Jim could say more than a few words the pharmacist interrupted him.

Sir, please just listen to my side of the story first,” said the pharmacist.

Go on then, I’m listening,” said Jim sharply.

Well, this morning,” said the pharmacist, “my alarm failed to go off and so I was late getting up. I missed breakfast and hurried to my car. However, as I slammed my front door, I then realised that it had locked with the keys to the house and the car inside. So, I had to break a window to get back in the house to get my keys.

But how does that explain the way you spoke to my wife,” asked Jim.

Sir, I’m getting to that,” said the pharmacist. “Naturally, having broken a window, I had to board it up before I left. That made me even later. So, I was speeding in my car, in an attempt to make up the time, but a cop stopped me and I got a speeding ticket. Then three blocks from my store I got a flat tire.

So, you were unfortunate, so what?” Jim responds.

I lost more time changing the wheel on my car,” the pharmacist continued, “and then when I got to my store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open. They were unhappy but I served them as quickly as I could, despite their moaning at me, and all the time the phone was ringing off the hook.”

Fine, but how does that explain your treatment of my wife,” asks Jim.

Well, the pressure didn’t end there,” the pharmacist continued. “To give a customer change, I had to break a roll of nickels but they spilt out of my hands, all over the floor. I get down on my knees to pick up all the nickels and the phone is still ringing. Then, I’m getting up off my knees only to crack my head on the open cash register. I then fell backwards against I showcase of expensive perfume bottles. They all hit the floor and there was glass smashed everywhere. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing.

So, what did you do then,” asked Jim.

Well, finally, I had no choice but to answer the phone,” said the pharmacist. “It was your wife and she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And I can honestly say mister, all I did was tell her!

2. Misunderstanding:

My wife and I were all dressed up and ready to go out for an evening of dinner and theatre. However, having been burgled previously, naturally, we were security conscious. So we turned on a night light and put our cat out in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we were walking out of our front door when our cat Milly shot back in again and ran up the stairs.

Unfortunately, Milly liked to chase our pet parakeet, so the two of them couldn’t be left alone in the house together.

So, my wife went back into the house to catch the cat and put it back outside again.

Naturally, security-conscious as ever, I didn’t want the cab driver to know our house would be empty, so I told him that my wife had just gone inside momentarily to say good night to her mother.

A few minutes later my wife got into the cab looking very hot and bothered.

Sorry, it took so long,” she said. “The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then she tried to take off again, so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. So, she’d better not crap on my vegetable garden whilst we’re out!

The look on the cab driver’s face was priceless.

3. Communication breakdown:

Judge Bernstein was interviewing an elderly lady regarding her pending divorce.

So, Mrs Thompson,” said Judge Bernstein, “what are the grounds for your divorce?

About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by,” replied Mrs Thompson.

No,” he said the judge, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?

Oh,” Mrs Thompson responded, “it’s made of wood, slate, brick and mortar.”

No, no,” said the judge, “I mean, what are your relations like?

Well,” she Mrs Thompson, “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my husband.

Mrs Thompson, do you have a real grudge?” the judge asked warily.

No, your honour,” replied Mrs Thompson. “We have a two-car carport.”

The judge tried once again, “Please, Mrs Thompson, is there any infidelity in your marriage?

Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “Both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”

Mam, please,” said the judge. “Does your husband ever beat you up?

Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “He gets up earlier than I do on Saturdays when he’s playing golf.

Finally, the judge cannot contain his frustration any longer.

Lady, why do you want a divorce?” he asks.

Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” Mrs Thompson replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can’t communicate with me!

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3 funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two

funny-jokes-for-everyoneHere are three very funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two today.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny jokes for everyone:

1. The subtle art of getting even:

Seventeen-year-old Brandon arrived home one day driving a fabulous Porsche 917K sports car.

Naturally, for his parents witnessing his arrival, this was a jaw-dropping moment.

Where the hell did you get that car, Brandon?” asks his father. “Did you steal it?

No, Dad,” replies Brandon. “I bought it.”

Brandon,” says his mother, “a car like that would cost in excess of $10 million. How could you possibly have bought it?

Oh, mum, you’re exaggerating,” says Brandon. “It only cost me fifteen dollars.

Fifteen dollars!” exclaims his father. “Who’d be mad enough to sell you a car like that for fifteen dollars?

It was Mrs Jones who lives in that large mansion on my paper route,” replies Brandon. “She saw me on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

Well, Brandon’s mother and father felt compelled to pay Mrs Jones a visit.

When Mrs Jones answered the knock on her door, Brandon’s father was quick with his questions, “Why would you sell my son a classic sports car for fifteen dollars? What the hell is going on?

It’s very simple, really,” Mrs Jones replied. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. He told me he’d decided to run off for a new life in Hawaii with his secretary. He said he wasn’t coming back and he asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So I did.

2. Senior moment:

funny-jokes-for-everyoneBetty, an elderly Florida lady, had been doing her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

Being the feisty lady that she was, she dropped her shopping to the floor and then grabbed a Smith & Wesson 5906 from her purse and shouted as loud as she could, “Yes, I’m armed; yes, it’s loaded; and yes, I know how to use it! Get out of the car punks!

The four young men could see that this wasn’t a lady to be messed with, so they got out of the car and ran like hell.

Feisty as she was, naturally, Betty was still a little shaken by her experience and the adrenaline was definitely pumping through her veins.

She loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car, and then she got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she couldn’t get her key into the ignition.

Well, she tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason that she was suddenly wondering why was there a football, a Frisbee and two 6-packs of beer on the rear seat?

Suddenly, it dawned on her that her own car was actually located seven spaces farther along the parking line.

Oh dear!” she exclaimed to herself

So, she transferred her shopping into her own car and then she drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four very pale young men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, curly white hair, who was armed and dangerous.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story: If you’re going to have a senior moment, make it memorable.

3. Medical cover:

Jim was out shopping in his local mall one day.

He’s browsing in a store when suddenly he suffers a serious heart attack.

Naturally, as soon as the clerks see Jim collapse on the floor, they called 911.

Within minutes paramedics are on the scene and Jim’s rushed to the nearest hospital, where he undergoes emergency open-heart, bypass surgery.

A few hours later, Jim is awakened from his surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

Sister Philomena, a young nun, is seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.

Sir,” says Sister Philomena. “I know this is a difficult moment for you but I need to ask you, who is going to pay for your treatment? Do you have health insurance?

No mam, I don’t have any health insurance,” Jim responds, almost whispering.

Well then, do you have any money in the bank?” asks Sister Philomena.

No mam, I don’t have any money in the bank either,” Jim responds, once again, in an almost inaudible whisper.

Starting to get a little concerned, Sister Philomena asks, “Do you have any relatives who could help you with the payments?

Well, I only have a spinster sister but she’s a nun,” Jim responds.

Sister Philomena is really irritated by this insensitive comment and she announces loudly, for everyone to hear, “Sir, nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!

Well then, that’s perfect,” says Jim. “You’ll be able to send the bill to my brother-in-law.

Please share this post with your friends:

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I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

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5 entertaining jokes guaranteed to raise a laugh or two

entertaining-jokesIf you enjoy entertaining jokes then here are five that I’m confident will make you smile.

Enjoy them all and share them all with your friends.

Entertaining jokes:

1. Softball fanatics:

Two 90-year-old women, Mabel and Lily, had been the best of friends all of their lives.

Now Mabel had been in poor health for a couple of years and it was clear that her last days were not too far away. Naturally, her good friend Lily visited her every single day.

One day as they were chatting, Lily said, “Mabel, we’ve both enjoyed playing softball all our lives. All through high school and ever since we really enjoyed playing the game we both love. So, do me a great favour. When you get to Heaven, please find a way to let me know whether I’ll be able to play softball with you when we’re both there.

Mabel looked up from her deathbed and said, “Lily, you’ve been my best friend since we were children. If it’s at all possible, I will do this favour for you.”

They were to be Mabel’s last words because, sadly, she passed away silently in her sleep that very night.

The following night, Lily was awakened suddenly from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light, and a voice calling out to her, “Lily, Lily!

Who is it?” said Lily.

Lily,” said the voice, “it’s me, your friend Mabel.”

You can’t be Mabel,” said Lily. “Mabel passed away yesterday.”

Lily, it is me, Mabel,” insisted the voice.

Mabel, where are you then?” asked Lily.

I’m in Heaven,” said Mabel. “I’ve got some good news for you and a little bad news too.

What’s the good news?” asked Lily.

Well, the good news is that women’s softball is played in Heaven,” said Mabel.

Oh, that’s wonderful,” said Lily.

Better still,” said Mabel, “all of our old buddies who died before me are here to play with too.”

“Really?” said Lily.

Yes,” Mabel responded. “And even better than that, we’re all young again, it’s always springtime up here, and it never rains or snows. We can play softball whenever we want, and we never get tired.”

Wow,” said Lily “that’s fantastic. So, what’s the bad news?

You’ll be pitching next Tuesday?” Mabel responded.

2. Married bliss:

Jim and Jean had been married for over 30 years and, in all that time, they’d never fought, not even once.

One day, Jim and his friend Bill were talking and Bill was impressed to hear about what sounded like such a harmonious relationship.

How is that even possible?” Bill asked.

Well,” said Jim, “when we got married, we stayed at my late uncle’s Texas ranch for our honeymoon. On the first day we went out horse riding and we hadn’t gone far before Jean’s horse jumped and she fell off.

Really?” Bill exclaimed. “So, what happened then?

Well, as cool as you like,” said Jim, “Jean just got up, patted the horse and then said, ‘This is your first time!’.

Wow!” said Bill.

After a while,” Jim continued, “it happened again. And again, Jean just got up, patted the horse and said, ‘This is your second time!’.”

I’m guessing that’s not the end of the story,” said Bill.

No,” said Jim. “It happened again, and this time she pulled out a gun and shot the horse.

No!” said a very surprised Bill. “What happened then?

I shouted at her,” said Jim. “Are you crazy? You’ve just killed a perfectly innocent animal!

Jim paused momentarily and then continued, “She gave me a menacing look and then said, ‘This is your first time!’.

3. Smart sheepdog:

A farmer wants to check how many sheep he has in his field.

So he decides to ask his sheepdog to count them all.

The dog runs into the field, counts them all and runs back to the farmer.

How many?” the farmer asks.

Forty,” says the dog.

How can there be forty,” the farmer asks, “I only bought thirty-eight.”

I rounded them up,” the dog responded.

4. Caring son:

Hello,” said the voice. “Is this the Police?

Yes,” said the operator, “How can we help you?

I’m calling to report Jim Brown,” said the voice.

Why?” said the operator, “What’s he done?

He’s hiding drugs inside his wood store,” said the voice.

That very evening, after dark, the police swooped on the house of Jim Brown.

They search his wood store thoroughly and then, with sharp axes, they chop up every log, reducing them all to pieces of firewood.

The Police find absolutely nothing and so they leave empty-handed.

The next day, Jim Brown receives a telephone call from his son.

Hi Dad, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come over to help you yesterday but did the Police arrive?” asked his son.

Yes,” Jim responded.

Did they chop up all your firewood?” his son asks.

Yes, they did,” says Jim.

That’s great Dad,” says his son, “Happy birthday!

entertaining-jokes5. The trip to Rome:

Jane was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled ready for a trip to Rome with her husband.

Naturally, Jane is talking with her hairdresser and she mentions how excited she is to be going on her forthcoming trip to the Eternal City.

Rome?” said the hairdresser. “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?

Well,” said Jane, “we’re flying American Airlines and we got a really great deal on the tickets!

Oh, I just hate American Airlines,” said the hairdresser. “Their planes are old, their inflight service is terrible and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?

We’ll be staying at this exclusive little place called the Hotel Splendide Royal,” Jane responded. “Oh, I just can’t wait.”

Stop right there,” said the hairdresser. “I’ve heard about that place. Everybody thinks it’s special, but my friend told me it’s actually a real dump. So, what will you do whilst you’re there?

We’re going to see the Vatican,” said Jane, “and maybe we might even get to see the Pope.

The hairdresser laughed, “You and a million other people will be trying to see the Pope and, even if you do, he’ll look the size of an ant, you’ll be so far away. Sounds like a lousy trip. I wish you luck because you’re going to need it.

Six weeks later, Jane’s back from her trip and sitting in the same hairdresser’s having her hair styled once again.

Naturally, the hairdresser is interested to hear all about Jane’s trip to Rome.

Oh, it was wonderful,” said Jane, “the best vacation ever.”

Really!” said the hairdresser. “In what way was it so great?

Well, first off, the brand new plane we travelled on was overbooked and so American Airlines very kindly upgraded us to First Class at no charge,” said Jane. “The inflight service was terrific, the food and wine were just wonderful, we arrived bang on time, and the cabin crew couldn’t have been more attentive throughout the journey.

So, you got lucky with the flight,” said the hairdresser sarcastically. “How was the hotel?

Oh, my goodness, it couldn’t have been better,” said Jane. “It had recently had a major makeover, and because it was overbooked, we got upgraded to a suite, at no charge. Best hotel experience ever.

Well, lucky you,” muttered the hairdresser. “I’ll bet you didn’t get to see the Pope though.

Actually, we were very lucky,” said Jane. “We were walking around the Vatican when a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and said that the Pope would like to speak with me.

Oh, really!” said the hairdresser. “And what did the Pope have to say when you met him?

He said, my God woman, who made such a terrible mess of your hair?” said Jane with a smile.

Please share these entertaining jokes:

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If you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy entertaining jokes, so please share this post now.

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8 funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work

funny-jokes-to-tellIf you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work, then look no further.

There are some excellent ones here. Well, I think so, anyway.

I hope you enjoy them all too. If you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell:

1. Turning a problem into an opportunity:

A young guy named Jim meets a farmer in a bar.

They get talking over a beer at the counter and very soon Jim’s bought a horse from the farmer unseen for $250. Not only has he not seen the nag, Jim even agreed to pay upfront too.

The farmer agrees to deliver the horse to Jim’s home the next day.

Sure enough the next morning the farmer arrives at Jim’s home but the news is not quite what Jim is expecting.

Sorry, son,” says the farmer, “but unfortunately the horse has died.

Well,” says Jim, “just give me back my money.”

“Sorry, son,” responds the farmer, “I can’t do that because I’ve already spent your money.”

“Well, in that case,” says Jim, “just bring me the dead horse.”

“What are you going to do with a dead horse?” asks the farmer.

“I’ll raffle him off, to get my money back,” says Jim.

You can’t raffle a dead horse!” exclaims the farmer, sounding a little surprised.

Sure, I can. Just watch me!” says Jim. “I just won’t mention the fact that the horse is dead.

A couple of months later, the farmer bumps into Jim in the same bar where they met originally.

Hi,” says the farmer. “Tell me, what happened to the dead horse?

I raffled him off like I said I would,” Jim responds.

Oh really, and how did that go?” asks the farmer.

It was brilliant,” says Jim. “I sold 1,000 raffle tickets at $5 each and after what I gave you for the horse plus expenses, I made $4,575 profit.”

Really?” says the farmer. “Didn’t anyone complain about the horse being dead?

Yes,” says Jim, “the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”

2. The power of flight:

Bill walks into a bar located on the roof terrace of a skyscraper in downtown Metropolis.

Bill’s standing at the counter waiting to be served, when the guy next to him offers him a sip of his cocktail.

Take a sip of this cocktail buddy,” the guy says, slurring his words. “It’s a special drink and it will give you the power of flight.

Oh, that’s got to be nonsense,” says Bill. “There’s no way taking a sip of someone’s drink will have me flying around the rooftops of Metropolis.”

Would I lie to you?” the guy says to Bill. “Let me show you.”

With that, the guy swallows the contents of the glass, then jumps off the roof, flies around in a wide circle and then glides smoothly back onto the roof terrace.

Bill is amazed by what he’s just witnessed. So he says to the bartender, “I’ll have whatever he’s been drinking.

Bill is served the same cocktail which he swallows in one and then he attempts to jump off the roof but falls flat on his face on the edge of the roof terrace.

The bartender looks at the guy who’d encouraged Bill to try the cocktail and says, “Dammit, you really are a nuisance to other customers when you’re drunk Superman.

3. Customer needs:

I was in Walmart just before Thanksgiving this year.

A lady was looking through a pile of frozen turkeys but she couldn’t seem to find one big enough for her needs.

I heard her speak with the clerk and she said, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?

No, mam!” he replied. “They’re all dead.”

Well, it made me smile.

4. Generous spirit:

I bumped into a woman outside the shopping mall who was crying because she’s just lost $200.

I felt really sorry for her, so I gave her $50 from the $200 I’d just found.

Well, when God smiles on you, it’s only right that you share your good fortune with those less fortunate than you.

5. Getting things done:

Yesterday, Mary’s husband Jim thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen.

So, naturally, Jim sprayed everything down very carefully and then cleaned the entire kitchen thoroughly from wall to wall and floor to ceiling. Absolutely nothing escaped his cleaning regime. When he’d finished the kitchen sparkled like new.

Today, Mary has put the cockroach in the bathroom.

Moral of the Story: Never, ever underestimate a woman’s cunning.

6. Corny joke of the week:

Last night I saw two cows playing poker whilst smoking a couple of huge spliffs.

Yes, that’s right! The steaks were high.

7. Caught out:

Jane arrived in the office one morning and her boss said to her, “Jane, do you believe in life after death?

Looking slightly puzzled, she responded, “Well, I’m not aware that there’s any proof it exists.

Well, in that case,” her boss said, “you might be interested to know that after you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, he came into the office looking for you.

8. Last Christmas Joke:

Three buddies had been having more than a few drinks in a series of Manhattan bars on Christmas Eve.

They’re staggering along Broadway trying to cross the street when they’re all hit by a truck and killed.

In the blink of an eye, they find themselves standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Gentlemen,” says St Peter, “to get into Heaven at this time of year, you must have something on you that represents Christmas.”

The first guy, Jim, flicks his cigarette lighter and says to St Peter, “The flame represents the light that Christmas brings to our lives.

Very good,” says St Peter. “James, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

The second guy, Stan, jingles his car keys and then says, “They represent the jingle of Santa’s sleigh bells.

Very good,” says St Peter. “Stanley, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

St Peter then looks at the last guy, Mick, who is staggering all over the place and rummaging around in his pockets.

Eventually, Mick pulls out some items of ladies underwear from his jacket pocket and holds them up for St Peter to see,

With a puzzled look on his face, St Peter asks, “Michael, how do these items represent Christmas?

Oh, they’re Carol’s,” said Mick, with a sheepish grin.

funny-jokes-to-tellPlease share these funny jokes to tell:

So dear reader, were any of the funny jokes to tell actually amusing? Did any of them make you smile?

If you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy funny jokes, so please share this post now.

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9 short funny jokes that will make you smile

short-funny-jokesLooking for some short funny jokes to cheer you up? Well, here are nine that I am confident might just make you smile. Enjoy them all.

Short Funny Jokes:

1. Communication problem:

Bill is working away from home one winter’s morning and the weather’s very, very cold outside.

Suddenly he receives a text message from his wife, Jane. The message reads, “Windows frozen; won’t open.

Naturally, Bill wants to ensure his wife doesn’t experience any major problems whilst he’s away, so he sends an immediate response. His message reads, “Carefully pour some warm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer.

Thinking he’s done all he needs to do to resolve Jane’s problem, Bill gets on with his busy schedule.

However, within minutes, he gets another message from Jane, which reads, “The computer’s really messed up now!

2. Minor indiscretion:

I was surprised to read a story in today’s newspaper about a guy I’d known at High School.

He was a brilliant, hardworking guy who’d followed his High School years with seven years of medical training. Now it seems, due to one minor indiscretion he’s been struck off.

Apparently, as the article suggested, he’d slept with one of his patients.

Now judge him if you must but, as a result of this indiscretion he can no longer work in a profession he loved and for which he’d trained so hard, so long and at great cost. That seems to me like a complete waste of time, effort and money.

It seems a shame because I always thought he was a really nice guy and, I’m told, he was an absolutely brilliant vet.

3. Lottery winner:

A man asked his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?

That’s easy,” she replied. “I’d take half of your winnings and then I’d leave you.”

Great!” said the husband. “I won $10, so here’s $5. Stay in touch.”

4. Blond man joke #1:

short-funny-jokesA blond man frantically phones the maternity hospital and shouts down the phone, “My wife’s about to give birth and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

The nurse responds by saying, “Is this her first child?

“No,” shouts the blond man, “I’m her husband.

5. Blond man joke #2:

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts, “Bill, did you find the shampoo?

Yes,” Bill responds, “but I’m not sure what to do. It says it’s for dry hair but mine is already wet.”

6. Blond man joke #3:

A blond man sees a letter on his doormat one morning. On the envelope, in large letters, it states clearly, DO NOT BEND.

So the guy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how he’s going to pick it up.

7. Family lunch:

Little Johnny’s out one Sunday with his parents having lunch with family.

Everyone’s seated around the table as lunch is being served. When Johnny receives his plate, he starts eating immediately.

Johnny,” said his father, “you should wait until we’ve said a prayer before you begin eating.

No, dad, I don’t have to,” Johnny responds.

Of course you do,” his father insisted. “We always say a prayer when we eat lunch at home, don’t we?

Well, that’s at our house,” Johnny responds, “but we’re at Grandma’s and she knows how to cook.

8. Over the limit:

Jack had been on a very boozy night out with his golf buddies.

When he left the bar he was absolutely steaming drunk.

Unwisely, despite being in a state of inebriation, Jack decided he’d drive home in his own car, rather than getting a cab. Well, he’d been driving for so many years, he was confident he could get the car home safely despite his condition.

So he proceeded along Main Street, driving as carefully as he could.

Suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree. Then he had to swerve again to avoid another tree and then another.

Well now, watching proceedings is a Highway Patrolman who decides it’s time to intervene and Jack’s pulled over.

Sir,” said the Highway Patrolman, “can you explain why you were driving erratically along Main Street.”

I’m sorry officer,” Jack responded, slurring his words. “It was the trees in the middle of the road.

The Highway Patrolman frowned and said, “Sir, I have reason to believe you’re inebriated.”

Why?” asked Jack, his speech slurred once again.

Because there are no trees,” the Highway Patrolman responded. “You were dodging your air freshener.

9. Teaching a lesson:

At a High School in Wilmington, Delaware they were experiencing a bit of a problem with the actions of some of the girls.

A number of 16-year-old girls had started to wear lipstick and they would put it on in the girls’ bathroom.

They’d all congregate around the bathroom mirror applying their lipstick of choice and then as they completed the task, they’d kiss the mirror leaving a perfect imprint of their lips for all to see.

Well, needless to say, there were so many lipstick marks that it was all getting a bit messy, to say the least.

More importantly, the janitor was getting fed up having to clean the mirrors at the end of each day, given the lipstick marks were quite hard to remove.

So naturally, the janitor complained to the Principal.

Now the Principal was a wily old girl in her 50s who’d been around the block more than a few times and she knew how to get her students to behave.

One morning she marched into the girls’ bathroom when she knew the girls would be applying their lipstick. In her hand, she was holding a long-handled squeegee.

Ladies,” said the Principal. “The janitor has complained about the mess you’re making of the mirrors. Allow me to demonstrate what the poor man has to do to get them clean.”

With that, she took the squeegee and dipped it into the toilet. She made sure the squeegee was suitably wet and then she proceeded to wipe the mirrors clean.

Since then there haven’t been any lipstick marks on the mirror.

Moral of the Story: There are teachers and then there are educators.

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3 funny long story jokes to raise a smile

funny long story jokesHere are three funny long story jokes to brighten your day. They all tickled me and I hope they make you smile too.

Funny long story jokes:

1. Getting older:

Jean, Ethel and Mildred are three elderly ladies chatting about the challenges of getting older.

I think 60 is the worst age to be,” said 60-year-old, Jean. “You always feel like you need to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

Ah, that’s nothing,” said 70-year-old, Ethel. “When you’re 70, you don’t seem to have bowel movements anymore. You take laxatives, you eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and yet nothing ever happens.”

Actually, I can tell you from experience, 80 is the worst age of all,” said 80-year-old, Mildred.

Do you have trouble peeing too, Mildred?” asked Jean.

No,” said Mildred. “I pee every morning at 6 am and I pee like a racehorse. That’s no problem at all.”

Well, how about your bowel movements, Mildred?” Ethel inquired. “Do you have any problems with them?”

No,” Mildred responded. “I have a bowel movement every morning at 6.30 am, as regular as clockwork.”

Jean and Ethel exchanged puzzled glances before Jean said, “Now let me get this straight, Mildred. You pee at 6 am and poop at 6.30 am? So what’s so hard about being 80?

Mildred frowned before she said, “I never wake up before 7 am.”

2. The mechanic’s skills:

Jeff was a mechanic working in his workshop, repairing a Harley Davidson motorcycle for one of his regular clients, who was a heart surgeon.

Jeff was just replacing the cylinder head on the bike when Dr Corker, his client, arrived to check up on progress.

Hey doc,” said Jeff. “The bike’s almost ready for you but can I ask you a question first?

Yeah, sure Jeff,” said the heart surgeon. “How can I help you?

Doc, take a look at this motorcycle engine,” said Jeff. “I can open its heart. I can take the valves out. And I can fix those valves and put them back in again. And when I’ve finished, this engine works like it’s brand new.

So, what’s your question, Jeff?” Dr Corker responded.

Well doc,” said Jeff, “my question is, how come I earn a small salary and yet you earn a very large one? Essentially, don’t we just do the same work? How come we don’t earn the same?

Dr Corker thought about the question momentarily, then smiled at Jeff and said, “Try doing it with the engine running.

3. Taking Sunday off:

It was a beautiful Sunday morning and absolutely perfect weather for a game of golf.

Being a golf fanatic, Father O’Driscoll couldn’t resist the lure of links and he decided he’d skip mass and head out to his favourite country club.

Naturally, Father O’Driscoll spoke with his curate, excused himself by saying he was unwell and explained that wouldn’t be able to take mass today.

He then got in his car and drove out to the country club, which was in a neighbouring town.

When Father O’Driscoll teed off on the first hole, a huge gust of wind caught his ball, carrying it another hundred yards and dropping it right into the hole.

Father O’Driscoll was absolutely ecstatic. After all, it was a 450-yard hole in one. Amazing! The first time he’d ever achieved that Holy Grail for golfers.

Now God and Saint Peter were watching Father O’Driscoll from above.

Saint Peter gave God a puzzled look and then asked, “Why have you rewarded his behaviour with a hole in one?

Is it a reward or a punishment?” God asked. “After all, who’s he going to tell?

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3 short funny story jokes to brighten your day

3 short funny story jokesHere are three short funny story jokes to brighten your day. They all tickled me and I hope they make you smile too.

Short funny story jokes:

1. Birthday surprise:

Mike was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife Jill, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since Jill’s birthday was not too far off, Mike asked her what she’d like to have for her birthday.

I’d like to be eight again,” Jill replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of Jill’s Birthday, Mike got up early and made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops.

After breakfast, Mike took Jill to the Adventure World theme park.

What a day they had. Mike put Jill on every thrilling ride in the park. First, it was the Death Slide, then the Wall of Fear, then the Log Flume and finally the Screaming Roller Coaster. And after the rides, they went to see the Dolphin Show.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park, exhausted.

Jill’s head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

However, Mike wasn’t finished. He then took Jill to McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to see a Disney movie, with popcorn, soda pop, and her favourite candy. Mike hoped Jill would see it all as a fabulous adventure and a bit like being eight again.

Finally, they staggered home and collapsed into bed, tired and weary.

At this point, Mike leaned over to Jill with a big smile on his face and asked lovingly, “Well dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes opened slowly, one at a time, and her expression changed suddenly.

“I was referring to my dress size, you idiot,” Jill responded sarcastically

Moral of the Story: Even if a man’s listening, he’ll still get it wrong.

2. Cross-eyed Cattle:

One day, a Texan farmer, old Bert McKinley, was tending his beloved cattle on his ranch. As he was checking them all carefully, he noticed that one of the animals had gone completely cross-eyed.

So he asked a veterinarian friend of his to come over to the ranch to take a look at the cow, to see whether anything could be done.

The vet soon arrived and, having taken one quick look at the cow, he removed a long rubber tube from his bag and then inserted it into the cow’s butt. He then began blowing hard into the tube until the cow’s eyes began to straighten out.

The vet then charged the old farmer a hundred dollars for his work and went on his way.

About a week later, farmer McKinley was working with one of his ranch hands when he noticed that the same cow was cross-eyed again.

Having seen how the vet had corrected the problem, farmer McKinley decided he could save one hundred dollars by doing the work himself.

So he asked the ranch-hand to get him a length of rubber tubing and together they inserted it into the animal’s butt.

The farmer then put his lips to the tube and started to blow as hard as he could.

Unfortunately, nothing happened. So farmer McKinley asked his ranch hand to give it a try.

Before he did anything, the ranch hand removed the tube from the animal, turned it around, and then put re-inserted it into the cow’s butt.

As the ranch hand was about to starting blowing, the old farmer said, “What are you doing?

Well,” said the ranch-hand, “It wouldn’t be very hygienic to use the side that you used with your lips.

3. The IRS Audit:

Jim Mooney has been retired for a few years when suddenly he received a summons one day from the IRS.

He’s been selected randomly for a tax audit, so he decides it might be wise if he takes his attorney with him.

Unsurprised by the attorney’s presence, the IRS auditor explains the procedure and then says to Jim, “Mr Mooney, we have been reviewing your affairs and it appears that you have an extravagant lifestyle and yet you’re not in full-time employment nor do you have any other obvious sources of income. You’ve explained this by saying that you win money gambling. Well, sir, I have to tell you, the IRS doesn’t believe that’s a credible explanation.

Well I am a skilled gambler,” says Jim, “and I can prove it to you if you’re willing to participate in a wager with me.”

The IRS auditor considers this proposition momentarily and then says, “Yes, I’m willing to give that a try, so go ahead.

Right,” says Jim, “I’ll bet you one thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The IRS auditor considers this carefully and decides that it’s impossible.

OK then Mr Mooney,” he says, “You have a bet.”

At this point, and to the IRS auditor’s great surprise, Jim removes his glass eye and then bites it.

The auditor sits there in stunned silence,

Jim then says, “I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Mr Mooney isn’t blind, so he can’t have another glass eye thinks the auditor. That’s got to be impossible, surely? So, the auditor accepts the bet.

So, Jim removes his dentures then bites his good eye.

The auditor is stunned, once again, as he now realizes he’s lost three grand and Jim has his attorney as a witness. Naturally, the auditor is starting to get a little nervous.

Want to go again?” asks Jim

“What do you have in mind now?” asks the auditor.

Jim smiles and says, “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket next to your chair, without a single drop going anywhere in between.

The auditor, realising now that he’s dealing with a wily old fox, is feeling very cautious. However he thinks carefully about the proposition and he decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees.

Jim stands in front of the desk, lowers his zipper, strains mightily but the trajectory of his pee fails to reach the wastebasket and splashes all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor is both ecstatic and relieved. He’s just turned a major loss into a huge win for him.

However, Jim’s attorney shouts out in obvious pain and puts his head in his hands face-down on the auditor’s desk.

 “What’s the matter?” asked the auditor.

When my client asked me to attend this audit today,” the attorney responded, “he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with old folks!

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3 funny short stories for seniors that’ll raise a smile or two

3 funny short stories for seniorsHere are three funny short stories for seniors that should raise a smile or two. They all made me laugh and I hope they brighten your day too.

Funny Short Stories for Seniors:

1. Fading memories:

An elderly couple, George and Mildred, began to notice that they were getting a lot more forgetful in their old age. Naturally, they thought it might be a good idea to discuss the problem with their doctor.

The doctor reassured them that this was quite a common experience for people as they got older and he suggested that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.

When they got home, Mildred asked George to get her a bowl of ice cream from the kitchen refrigerator.

Should I write that down for you, George?” she said.

No, Mildred. I’m sure I’ll remember a bowl of ice cream,” George responded.

OK, George,” said Mildred “but I want some whipped cream with my ice cream too. Should I write that down?

No,” said George. “I’ll remember. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.

George, I’d love a cherry on top too,” said Mildred. “Should I write that down?

No, I got it,” said George. “You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

So George disappears into the kitchen to get the ice cream and he then spends an unusually long time there before returning about 40 minutes later.

He returns to the living room and hands Mildred a plate of eggs and bacon.

Mildred stares at the plate momentarily and then she looks at George.

Where’s the toast?” she asks.

2. Pronunciation problem:

Jeff and Mary, a middle-aged couple, are driving through Louisiana when they come to the small city of Natchitoches.

Neither of them had ever been there before and they started arguing about how the name of the city is pronounced.

Needless to say, both of them thought they knew best and they kept on bickering until eventually, they decided to stop for lunch.

At the counter, Jeff smiled at the pretty, young waitress and said, “Mam, before we order, could you help us settle an argument, please?

The young waitress smiled and said, “Sure! How can I help you, honey?

Could you please pronounce where we are right now, very slowly?” said Jeff.

The young waitress leaned over the counter and said, “Yes sir! It’s Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.

3. Bill’s quest:

Bill was driving down a remote country road one day. He’s in the middle of nowhere, a long way from home when, as luck would have it, his car breaks down near a monastery.

So Bill walks over to the monastery and knocks on the door.

The door is opened by one of the monks and Bill explains his predicament.

I’m sorry to bother you,” says Bill, “but I’m a long way from home, my car’s broken down and I can’t get a repairman today because it’s Sunday. Would it be possible for me to stay the night, here at the monastery?

Bill is graciously accepted by the monks and they’re happy for him to spend the night there. He’s invited to have dinner with them and, as they’re very resourceful, they even fix his car for him.

After Bill has retired to his room for the night, and as he’s trying to fall asleep, he hears a strange but seductive sound.

It’s a sound, unlike anything he’s ever heard before.

It’s a sound so seductive that Bill is reminded of the Sirens of Greek mythology, who lured sailors with their enchanting music and singing voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast.

Well, Bill cannot sleep that night for thinking about what he’s just heard. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a strange but seductive sound.

As you’d expect, at breakfast, Bill feels compelled to ask the monks about the sound he’d heard during the night.

The Abbot, sitting at the head of the table, smiles benevolently at Bill and responds to his question by saying, “Unfortunately, we cannot tell you because you’re not a monk.”

Bill is really disappointed by this response but he thanks the monks for their hospitality and, having finished breakfast, he leaves the monastery.

However, the matter doesn’t end there.

Bill cannot forget the hypnotic allure of this beautiful, seductive sound. So, a year later, he just has to go back to the monastery and plead with the monks to tell him more about this strange sound.

Once again, the response from the Abbot is, “Unfortunately, we cannot tell you because you’re not a monk.”

Bill is desperate, so he says to the Abbot, “Look if the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.”

Before you can join our monastery,” says the Abbot, “you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are in total and the exact number of grains of sand there are too. When you’ve found the answers to these questions, only then will you be ready to become a monk.

Bill realises it won’t be easy but, nevertheless, he sets about his task with the aim of becoming a monk.

Years later, he’s now getting old, but Bill is back knocking on the door of the monastery.

The door is answered and Bill is taken to the Abbot.

In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I’ve travelled the earth as you requested,” says Bill. “Reflecting on the questions you asked me to answer, I’ve come to realise that the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self-deception.

Congratulations!” says the Abbot. “You’re now ready to become a monk and join our monastery.

Can I now know the mystery of the sacred sound?” asks Bill.

Indeed you can,” the Abbot responds. “Follow me.

The Abbot then leads Bills down a long, dark corridor, at the end of which is an old wooden door.

The source of the sound is beyond this door,” says the Abbot, as he hands Bill a key.

Bill then opens the door, only to find that behind it is another door made of stone.

The Abbot hands Bill another key and he opens it, only to find yet another door this time one that is encrusted with emeralds.

Well, the process goes on and Bill finds a series of doors, encrusted with various precious gems, including pearls, sapphires, rubies and diamonds. He’s given keys for each and he opens each one.

Finally, Bill reaches a door that is made of solid gold.

He can now hear the strange and seductive sound clearly as the Abbot hands him the final key.

This is the last key to the last door,” says the Abbot. “On the other side of this door is the source of the sound that has enchanted you so much, for so long.”

Bill is feeling a little apprehensive at this point, after all, the answer he’s been seeking for so long is behind this door.

With trembling hands, Bill unlocks the door, turns the knob, and pushes the door open, slowly.

He falls to his knees in amazement, as he finally discovers the source of that haunting, seductive and beautiful sound.

And what is the source?

Unfortunately, we cannot tell you because you’re not a monk.

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3 short funny stories for adults looking for a smile

3 short funny stories for adultsHere are three short funny stories for adults looking for a smile today. They all made me laugh and I hope they make you laugh too.

Short funny stories for adults:

1. The nudist beach:

Three men were visiting a nudist beach and it wasn’t long before they were engaged in conversation. Two of the men looked very happy to be there whilst the other man looked a little glum.

Naturally, their conversation quickly gravitated to a discussion about their respective jobs.

I work on Wall Street,” said the first man smiling. “It’s well-paid work but the dress code is very formal and I have to wear a suit with a collar and tie every day. So this is a perfect vacation for me. I have the freedom to relax, feeling completely unrestrained.

The second man smiled and said, “I with you there buddy. I’m a deep-sea diver and I’m usually weighed down with a diver’s suit, lead boots and a brass helmet. Being here on this beach is real freedom for me.

The two men then looked at their unhappy companion and asked what he did for a living.

I’m a pickpocket,” said the man, “and my therapist said I’d benefit from a holiday where I won’t have the opportunity to steal from people.

2. Stranger in town:

The journey on horseback from Waco to Fort Worth is a long ride along a dusty trail and for any cowboy, it’s thirsty work.

So when George passed through a small town along the way he decided to stop at the saloon for a cold beer to quench his thirst.

Well, the locals were none too friendly to strangers passing through their town and George could sense a negative vibe immediately, as he tied up his horse to the post before walking through the saloon doors.

When he’d finished his beer, George walked outside and he was non-too-happy to discover that someone had stolen his horse.

So he walked back into the bar, drew his gun from its holster, spun it around his finger in impressive fashion, and then shot a bullet straight through a whisky bottle standing at the other end of the long bar.

The place went silent and you could hear a pin drop, until George shouted, “Now which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?

No one said anything. The place was deadly quiet.

George shouted menacingly, “Now you listen to me! I’m gonna sit here and have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’ve finished my drink then I’m gonna do what I dun in Waco. And I don’t want to have to do what I dun in Waco.

The locals shifted nervously in their seats. They didn’t like strangers much but they liked trouble even less.

So when George had finished his beer, he looked outside and sure enough there was his horse tied to the post and waiting for him.

George saddled up and then started to ride slowly along Main Street.

The bartender had wandered outside and stood and watched George go.

Hey partner,” said the bartender, “so what happened in Waco?

George smiled and said, “I had to walk home!

3. The Adoption Agency:

A married couple, Jim and Josephine, owned their own circus and one day they walked into an Adoption Agency.

Naturally, they explained their circumstances to the social worker.

The social worker looked a little puzzled. “Are you sure that a travelling circus is the best environment in which to bring up a young child?” he asked. “I mean all those dangerous animals and constantly being on the road?

The animals are all well trained,” Josephine responded, “and we have a state-of-the-art, sixty-foot motor home, with every comfort necessary.

But how would you educate the child?” asked the social worker.

We’ve arranged a tutor,” said Jim. “He’ll teach all the regular academic subjects, as well as Spanish and computer programming.

And we’ll have a nanny,” Josephine added quickly, “she’s certified in pediatric care, as well as child welfare and nutrition.

The social worker had listened carefully and he was impressed.

Well, you really do seem like an ideal couple,” he said. “What age of child did you have in mind?

It doesn’t really matter,” said Jim, “as long as they’re small enough to fit in the cannon.”

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3 funny jokes to tell your friends and make them smile

3 Funny Jokes to tell your friendsFew things in life can beat a good laugh. One thing that is better is making your friends laugh. So if you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends, then today I offer you three of them which I’m confident will raise a smile or two.

So take a few moments to enjoy them all and then feel free to on-pass them to others.

It’s always good to share smiles.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. The Chapel of Rest:

When I was about seven years old, my father took me to the local funeral parlour, as he wanted to pay his respects to an old work colleague who’d recently died.

This was a man I’d never met but it was important to my father and he thought it would be a good life experience for me to accompany him.

As we waited our turn to view the open casket, I sat quietly in a corner, waiting for the time to pass.

Suddenly, the door to the Chapel of Rest opened and an elderly man I’d never met came out and, as he did so, he smiled at me and said, “Make sure you enjoy your life son. Be happy because it’ll all go by in the blink of an eye. Look at me, I didn’t and now it’s too late.

With that, the man disappeared through the door onto the street and it was our turn to view the body and pay our respects.

We walked solemnly into the Chapel of Rest and I looked into the open casket.

I was horrified. I couldn’t believe it. The body in the casket was the man who’d just spoken to me.

Well, I was completed traumatized by the experience. I had nightmares and I was terrified to be alone. I couldn’t sleep without the light being on for several years.

It got so bad I had to go for psychotherapy and counselling.

As I got older, gradually I began to cope a bit better, until one day I discovered something that completely changed my life.

I learned that my father’s dead colleague had an identical twin brother.

2. The Driving Test:

Jane arrived home, having just taken her Driving Test for the ninth time.

Naturally, her husband Bill was keen to know how she’d got on this time.

So honey, how did it go this time?” Bill asked.

Not good,” Jane responded. “They failed me again.”

Really?” said Bill, sounding disappointed for her. “What did they pull you up on this time?

A rope,” Jane responded, sheepishly.

A rope?” Bill inquired, looking slightly puzzled.

Yes, that’s how they got me out,” Jane responded. “The car’s still in the river.”

3. The Confessional Booth:

Father Murphy was taking confessions when a teenage boy entered the confessional booth.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” said the youth, “I have been with a girl of loose morals.”

Is that you, young Jimmy Walsh,” Father Murphy inquired.

Yes Father, it is,” young Jimmy responded.

And you, an altar boy! I’m disappointed in you Jimmy,” said Father Murphy. “Who is this young girl?

Oh Father, I don’t want to get her a bad reputation,” said Jimmy, defensively.

Was it Bernadette Kelly?” Father Murphy inquired.

No Father,” said Jimmy.

Was it Patricia O’Connor?” Father Murphy continued.

No Father,” said Jimmy.

Was it Teresa O’Sullivan?” Father Murphy pressed on.

Father, I cannot give you her name. It wouldn’t be fair,” said Jimmy.

Well, I admire your loyalty to this girl Jimmy, but you’ve sinned and if you insist on remaining tight-lipped, then you must accept your penance,” Father Murphy responded.

And what will that be, Father?” Jimmy asked.

“You’re barred from serving as an altar boy again for three months.” Father Murphy responded, sternly.

Young Jimmy walked back to the pew slowly and as he sat down, his friend Rory whispered, “How did it go?

The plan worked like a charm,” Jimmy responded with a smile. “Three months off and three great leads.

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