5 jokes that will make anyone laugh to raise a smile

jokes that will make anyone laughLooking for some jokes that will make anyone laugh, dear reader? Well, I can offer you five today that might just fit the bill. They’re nothing too naughty but they might make you smile. I hope so, anyway.

If you do enjoy them, please feel free to share them

Jokes that will make anyone laugh:

1. First time:

Bernadette was a young, single, Catholic girl from Brooklyn. 

One morning Bernadette went to confession.

She went into the confessional box, knelt down and spoke quietly.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned,” said Bernadette. 

Go ahead, my child, what is this sin of which you speak?” Father Murphy, the Parish priest responded.

Father,” said Bernadette, “it’s a little embarrassing.”

Just take your time, my child,” said Father Murphy to reassure her.

Well,” said Bernadette, “last night I made love with my boyfriend, Father. I couldn’t help myself. I swear it was the first time, but he was so charming and he took me to heaven and back, Father. However I’m not married, so I know it was a sin. I’ve come here now seeking absolution.

Father Murphy thought momentarily and then said, “My child, I want you to say ten Hail Marys before you leave the church and then go home, fill a glass with vinegar, add two teaspoons full of mustard, stare it up and then drink it all.

Yes, Father,” said Bernadette, a little confused. “And will that absolve me of this terrible sin?

No, my child,” Father Murphy responded, “but it will wipe the smile off your face!

2. A lack of passion:

A retired couple, Rick and Diane have been married for 30 years but their marriage is not in a good place, so they go to see a counsellor.

When the counsellor asks what the problem is, Diane immediately bursts into a rant about how terrible everything is, listing every issue she’s ever had in the 30 years they’ve been married. 

It was just an endless list of issues, one after another. She just kept banging on and on and on about why she was not happy.

The counsellor listened momentarily and then he gets up, goes around the desk, embraces Diane and kisses her passionately. 

Diane is stunned into silence and she just shuts up and sits quietly in a complete daze.

The counsellor then turns to Rick and says, “That’s what your wife really needs and she needs it three times a week. Can you help her Rick?”

Well,” says Rick, “I could bring her here on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, I play golf.”

3. Sheltered life:

Jim lived in a small town and had led a fairly sheltered life. So he decides it’s time to explore the world a bit. 

He’d heard a lot about the wonders of the Big Apple, so he decides to visit New York City.

He’s wandering around Macy’s browsing when he spots a Thermos flask.

What’s this?” Jim asks the clerk.

Well,” said the clerk, “it’s a flask that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

Now Jim may be a bit of a hayseed but he can see that such a flask could be very useful, so he buys one.

When he returns home, he takes the Thermos flask into the office to show his buddies.

What is it?” they ask, in unison.

It’s called a Thermos flask,” says Jim, “and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

Wow!” says his buddy, Bill, “What have you got in there now?

Two cups of coffee and a choc ice,” says Jim.

4. White knuckle ride:

A New York City cab driver is driving down Broadway with a passenger heading for Battery Park.

The cab gets to a red light but the driver just goes straight through it.

The passenger sees what’s happened and shouts, “Hey buddy, be careful! I wanna get to Battery Park in one piece!”

Hey, don’t worry,” says the cab driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

They get to the next junction, the light’s red, but the cab driver just sails on through again.

The passenger’s not happy. “Hey, buddy,” he shouts, “you’ll get us both killed.

My brother does it all the time, I’m telling you,” says the driver.

They get to the next junction and once again the light’s red but the driver doesn’t stop.

You’ve gotta stop this!” screams the passenger.

Chill out!” says the driver. “I told you, my brother does it all the time.”

They get to the 34th Street junction, the light’s green but the driver screeches to a halt.

Hey buddy,” says the passenger, “the light’s green, why did you stop?

It’s 34th Street,” says the cab driver. “My brother lives on 34th Street and I’m not sure what time he starts work.”

5. Copying ancient texts:

At the Benedictine Monastery Paul, a novice Catholic monk arrives to prove his suitability for admission to the religious order.

After being given a little time to settle in, Paul’s asked to assist the other monks with the copying of ancient texts by hand.

Whilst he’s observing the process, Paul notices that the other monks are making their copies from documents which are themselves copies, not the original texts.

So Paul goes to the Abbot to raise his concerns.

Reverend Father,” says Paul, “It appears the monks are making their copies from copies and not original texts. So if there were any mistakes made in those copies those mistakes will be repeated in the new copies. 

Paul,” said the Abbot, “you make an important point. The Benedictine order has been making copies for centuries and the rules by which we live are defined in those ancient texts. I must investigate.

With that, the Abbot goes down deep into the cellar of the monastery with one of the most recent copies and proceeds to check it very carefully against the original ancient text.

Several days pass and the monks have not seen the Abbot.

Eventually, Paul and the other monks decide that a group of them should go looking for him. So Paul leads a delegation down into the cellar. 

As they’re walking down the ancient steps, they can hear the Abbot sobbing.

When they find him, still sobbing, Paul asks, “Reverend Father, what’s wrong?

You idiots!” the Abbot responds. “The word was CELEBRATE!

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these jokes that will make anyone laugh, dear reader? I hope at least some of them made you laugh.

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40 funny quick jokes you’ll just love

funny-quick-jokesIf you’re looking for some funny quick jokes then take a look at the 40 I’ve put together for you today. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of laughs here.

Enjoy them all.

And feel free to pass them on.

Funny quick jokes (1-10):

  1. I quit my job making soles for shoes. It was a bit of a treadmill.
  2. Jane and Bill were getting divorced. Naturally, they split the house. Bill got the outside.
  3. Bob’s wife opened the car door for him. He’d have considered it a really nice gesture if they’d not been travelling at 70 mph.
  4. If I win the lottery, I promise you no one around me will be poor. I’ll move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
  5. A Mexican magician said he’d disappear at the count of three. Uno … dos, then poof! He disappeared without a tres.
  6. A male fly notices an attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cow manure. In an attempt to impress her, the male fly said, “Excuse me beautiful, is that stool taken.”
  7. A woman was up in court for attacking her boyfriend with two guitars. “First offender?” The judge inquired. “No, your honour,” said her counsel, “The first was a Gibson. The second was a Fender.”
  8. I hate it when people’s grammar is so poor that they mix up there, their and they’re. So now I just tell them, weather they like it or not.
  9. Funny Poems Page 1
  10. What have I learned from studying cows, buffalos and elephants? Well, for a start, it’s impossible to reduce weight just by eating grass, salads and walking.
  11. I found something in my wardrobe that I hadn’t worn since I graduated. Amazingly, it still fitted me. Well, it was only a scarf but I like to look for the positives.

Funny quick jokes (11-20):

  1. Are donuts classified as hole food?
  2. Plagiarism is just getting into trouble for something you didn’t do.
  3. When I was young I was poor. However, after years of hard but honest work, I’m no longer young.
  4. I went for my annual physical and my physician said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I said, “You mean like burgers, bacon, that sort of thing?” To which he responded, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”
  5. My son came home and said there would be a small get-together at his school tomorrow. “How small?” I asked. “Well,” he responded, “it’s just you, me and the principal.
  6. Was it just me, growing up, or did anyone else believe that Hugh Rynal invented the public convenience?
  7. Wife: I have blisters on my hands from that broom. Husband: Why didn’t you just use the car?
  8. I’ve been fired from my job as a masseur. My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
  9. I went to see a psychiatrist today and she told me I had a split personality. Then she charged me $160. So, I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
  10. If a runner was accidentally shot with a starting pistol would that be classified as race-related?

Funny quick jokes (21-30):

  1. If you need an ark then I Noah guy.
  2. How can a door be a door if it’s ajar?
  3. Avoid dangerous cults. Practise safe sects.
  4. Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
  5. To some people marriage is a word, to others, it’s a sentence.
  6. I’ve heard that the company that makes yardsticks is not making them any longer.
  7. Did you know that before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home?
  8. If a cow doesn’t produce milk, does that make it a milk dud or an udder failure?
  9. I’m told that it’s not a good idea to play tennis with a cymbal. It makes a terrible racket.
  10. A farmer was milking his best cow and had a good rhythm going when suddenly a fly flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t really think much about it until suddenly the fly squirted out into the bucket. He then realised that the cow had gone in one ear and out the udder.

Funny quick jokes (31-40):

  1. Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B Back.
  2. If I drink holy water with a laxative, would that start a religious movement?
  3. Believe it or not, my friend actually speaks to his garden. Yes, Jack and the beans talk.
  4. There’s one thing you can be sure of, laxatives will give you a good run for your money.
  5. Have you heard about the guy who fell into a glass lens-making machine and made a spectacle of himself?
  6. As I was getting ready for bed, she said, “You’re drunk!” So I said, “How do you know?” And she said, “Because you live next door.”
  7. A guy walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees and gives them to him. “Surely that’s too many,” says the guy. “No,” says the clerk. “I’ve given you a freebie.”
  8. I pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt. Judging by the reaction of the guy asleep next to me on the bus, it must have been very painful.
  9. I saw a guy stacking shelves at Walmart complaining because the top shelf was broken and he couldn’t keep it up. He told me he had wrecked aisle dysfunction.
  10. The difference in meaning between the words ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished’ can be somewhat unclear. Fortunately at a linguistic conference recently a speaker offered some clarity when he said, “When a man marries the right woman he will be complete. If he marries the wrong woman he will be finished. And should the right woman catch him fooling around with the wrong woman, he will be completely finished.

Please share this post with your friends:

I hope you enjoyed these funny quick jokes, dear reader, and I hope at least some of them made you laugh.

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9 short jokes anyone can remember

short-jokes-anyone-can-rememberLooking for some short jokes anyone can remember, dear reader? Well, I’ve got 9 little gems here for you today. Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember

1. Eye-catching:

A guy walks into a hotel restaurant and, as he’s being seated, he notices a very attractive woman at the next table.

Suddenly she sneezes and, to his surprise, a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.

It’s flying past the guy but he catches it and politely hands it back to the lady.

Oh, my goodness,” says the lady, “this is so embarrassing.”

As she’s popping her eye back in place she gradually regains her composure and then she says, “I’m so sorry to have disturbed you but I really appreciate your help. Why don’t you join me and I’ll buy you dinner to make it up to you.”

The guy nods in agreement and he joins her at her table.

Despite her glass eye, the woman is stunningly attractive and a great conversationalist. The guy is having a wonderful evening and, as they chat, it’s obvious to him that they have a lot in common.

Naturally, he gets her phone number and then says, “Mam, I have to say, you’re the most charming woman I’ve ever met. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?

No, not really,” the woman replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

2. Vacuum cleaner salesman:

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.

He scattered a load of dog muck all over my carpet and then said, “Show me where I can plug in and if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck up every last dog dropping right now then I’ll eat the rest.”

I smiled and said, “Well, I hope you’re hungry because my electricity has just been cut off.

3. Marital problems:

A guy’s sitting at the counter in a Manhattan bar looking miserable and staring into his beer.

Are you alright buddy?” asks the bartender. “What’s the problem?

The guy looks up from his drink and says, “Oh, my wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn’t be speaking to me for a month.”

In an attempt to be encouraging the bartender says, “Hey, come on now buddy, think positive. At least you’ll get some peace for a while.”

Yeah, I know,” the guy responds, “but today’s the last day.”

4. The taxi ride:

Three buddies staggered out of a bar late one night, all well and truly sozzled. However, they did manage to hail a taxi and in they all climbed.

The taxi driver could see that they were all absolutely hammered and decided it was a situation he could use to his advantage. So he started the engine, waited a few minutes without moving and then turned it off again.

Right fellas, we’ve reached our destination,” said the taxi driver. “That’ll be $30.

The first guy gave him the money.

The second guy said, “Thank you, driver.”

But the third guy slapped the driver across the face.

Needless to say, the taxi driver was shocked and thought perhaps the third guy knew what had happened. Nevertheless, he said, “What the hell was that for, buddy?

You were driving like a maniac and you could have killed us,” the third guy responded. “Control your speed next time.”

short-jokes-anyone-can-remember5. Wise woman:

Rick said to his wife, Liz, one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time.

Well, dear husband of mine, allow me to explain,” said Liz. “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. And then God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!

6. Lost property:

Jim is on his way home, and he’s driving behind an ambulance.

As he’s driving along, he notices a small metal box on the back step of the ambulance.

As the ambulance turns a corner the box suddenly falls off and lands on the side of the road.

Being a public-spirited individual, Jim pulls over and retrieves it.

When Jim opens the box there is a human toe inside packed in ice.

Well, Jim realises that the owner will be in need of this appendage, so he phones the local hospital to explain the situation.

Jim gives them his location and then asks whether they’ll be sending an ambulance to collect it.

No, there’s no need,” they said. “We’ll just send a toe truck.”

7. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny was standing outside his local shopping mall when he was approached by a man.

Son, I’m lost,” said the man. “Could you tell me how I get to the Post Office from here?

Sure, mister,” said Little Johnny. “Walk down to the end of this road and turn right. Then you’ll see it on your left.”

Thank you, son,” said the man. “I’m the new minister at the church. If you come along on Sunday, I’ll tell you how you can get to Heaven.”

How are you going to do that?” asks Little Johnny. “You didn’t even know the way to the Post Office.

8. Three wishes:

Tom, Dick and Harry are ship-wrecked on a desert island, when they stumble upon an old oil lamp.

Tom picks up the lamp and starts rubbing it.

Immediately a genie appears and grants each of them a wish.

Tom immediately says he’d like to be back home in New York.

Poof! Then Tom’s gone and on his way home.

Dick then says his wish is to be back home in New York too.

Poof! Then Dick’s gone and on his way home.

Looking at Harry, the genie says, “So, what’s your wish?

Harry thinks momentarily and then says, “Jeez, it sure is lonely without my two buddies. I wish they were both back here.

9. Waiting for the bus:

A woman is having a problem with her wardrobe door in her bedroom. Each time a bus passes her house the door falls off.

She calls a repairman and he arrives to fix it.

The repairman sees that the door has fallen off.

So he puts it back in place and he then says to the woman, “I’ll now step inside the wardrobe and I’ll wait until a bus passes to see exactly what happens. You just close the door on me.”

So she closes the door but, as she does so, her husband arrives home and he’s heard his wife in the bedroom talking with someone.

Naturally, he wants to know what’s going on.

So, he rushes upstairs, storms into the bedroom and opens the wardrobe door. He sees the repairman and says, “OK buddy, what the hell are you doing in there?

You might find this hard to believe,” says the repairman, “but I’m waiting for a bus.

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these short jokes anyone can remember, dear reader, and I hope they made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

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6 witty jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

Witty JokesIf you’re looking for some witty jokes that will make you laugh, then I’ve got six good ones here for you to enjoy today. Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Witty Jokes:

1. Rumblings in the night:

Bob was an American businessman on his first trip to London. He was really excited about the trip because he’d been invited to stay in a large stately home by the wealthy aristocratic family with whom he was doing business.

He was shown his room by his host and he couldn’t help but be seriously impressed. The room was very grand and spacious with a wonderful view. It also had an enormous wardrobe and a fabulous en-suite bathroom.

After a large evening meal and quite a few drinks with his host, Bob staggered back to his room late, feeling jet-lagged and a little tipsy, and immediately fell on his bed, still in his business suit. He was sound asleep within seconds. 

However, at about 4 am Bob was awakened suddenly by an urgent feeling that an uncontrollable bowel movement was imminent. The intestinal pressure was such that he realised he needed to move fast.

Despite feeling a little disoriented, he jumped off his bed in a flash but there was no time for switching on the lights. 

He could barely get to the bathroom quick enough. Struggling to get his trousers down, he burst through the door and probed around with his hands in the dark trying to locate the toilet.

However, his bowels couldn’t contain the pressure any longer and a foul-smelling, intestinal load was dumped uncontrollably on the floor.

His brain struggled to come to terms with his surroundings and what had just happened.  Well, he thought, at least it couldn’t get any worse. 

Then he realised that he was standing in the walk-in wardrobe. 

2. Presence of mind:

Jim’s wife accused him of hating all her family and relatives.

Now, that’s not true,” said Jim.

Then give me an example of a relative of mine that you actually like,” his wife, Jane responded.

Well, for a start I like your mother-in-law much more than I like mine,” said Jim.  

3. Unintended consequences:

Witty JokesRick’s wealthy father was in such poor health that he had no more than a couple of months to live. Recognising that he would soon inherit his father’s fortune, Rick decided it was time for him to find himself a good woman with whom he could enjoy a wealthy lifestyle.

So, one evening he visited a singles bar, where he immediately spotted a very beautiful woman, sitting alone at a table in the corner.

This woman was truly stunning and Rick couldn’t help being mesmerised by her beauty.

He walked over to her table and said, “Mam, I may not be the best-looking guy in this bar but within a few months I will inherit a $100 million fortune, as sadly my wealthy father’s dying.

The woman was so impressed that she went home with Rick that evening.

Two weeks later she became Rick’s stepmother.

4. The ageing mind:

An old man named Bill realised that he needed to use the toilet.

So he got up and walked across the house to the pantry.

He couldn’t remember why he’d gone to the pantry but he did remember that he needed to go to the toilet.

So he walked back across the house to the bathroom.

As he sat down on the throne, only then did he remember why he’d gone to the pantry.

Toilet paper!

5. How many wives:

Two little boys, Tim and Jerry, were at a wedding when Tim asked Jerry, “How many wives can a man have?

To which, Jerry responded, “Sixteen!

 Sixteen?” Tim asked. “How did you work that out?

Well,” said Jerry, “the priest has just said, four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer. So four times four is sixteen.

6. Lateral thinking:

Four old High School buddies were on a road trip, staying in motels along the way. Naturally, to keep the cost down they’d just book two rooms and then share.

The problem was, no one wanted to share with Bob because they all knew he snored so loudly.

To make it fair, Tom, Dick and Harry agreed that they would take it in turns to spend the night in a room with Bob.

On the first night, Tom shared the room with Bob.

The following morning Tom arrived at breakfast, looking completely shattered.

What happened to you?” asked Dick.

Oh, it was awful,” said Tom. “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up all night and watched him.”

The next night it was Dick’s turn to share with Bob.

The following morning Dick arrived at breakfast looking tired and his eyes were all bloodshot.

Man, you look shattered,” said Tom. “I’m guessing Bob was making a lot of noise in the night?

Jeez,” said Dick, “He was making enough noise to wake the dead. I was awake all night just watching him.

On the third night, it was Harry’s turn to share with Bob.

Harry was a wily old cowboy and a real man’s man. 

The next morning Harry arrived at breakfast looking bright-eyed, fresh and well-rested. 

Good morning guys,” said Harry.

Tom and Dick couldn’t believe their eyes.

How did you manage to sleep?” asked Tom.

Well,” said Harry, “we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Bob in, then I kissed him goodnight. And he sat up all night watching me.”

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoy witty jokes, dear reader, then I hope some of these made you laugh.

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Thank you.

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5 brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day

hilarious joke of the dayIf you’re looking for some brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day then I’ve got five little gems for you here today. I’m confident they’ll all make you smile.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Hilarious joke of the day:

1. The Pull-Over:

Jim Murphy is a Texas State trooper patrolling the highway and he pulls over a car for speeding on the Interstate 35 about 15 miles north of Austin.

Officer Murphy approaches the car and asks the driver why he was speeding.

The driver gets out of his car and he’s very apologetic. 

I’m sorry officer,” says the driver, “but I’m a magician and juggler and I’m late for a show in Temple. If I don’t make it on time, I won’t get paid.”

Sir, this might be your lucky day,” says Officer Murphy, “because I love to watch juggling. So, if you can demonstrate some impressive juggling skills then I won’t give you a ticket.”

Oh, officer,” says the driver, “I can’t do that because my equipment has been sent on ahead and I don’t have anything to juggle.”

Well,” says Officer Murphy, “I have some flares in the trunk of my car, could you juggle them?

Sure!” says the driver.

So Officer Murphy gets five flares from the trunk, lights them all and hands them to the driver.

The driver then starts to juggle the flares with considerable skill.

Whilst doing so, another car pulls in behind the State trooper’s car. 

A drunken good old boy from Georgetown staggers out of this car, watches the juggling momentarily and then staggers over to Officer Murphy’s car, opens the rear door and climbs in. 

Officer Murphy watches him briefly and then goes over to his car and asks this guy what he thinks he’s doing.

“You might as well haul my butt off to jail officer,” says the drunk. “There ain’t no way I can pass that test right now.” 

2. Grumpy old man:

Dick and Doris are on a road trip on Interstate 5 from Sacramento to Albany, California.

They stop at a roadside diner for lunch.

After finishing their lunch, they leave the diner and continue on their journey to Albany. 

As they leave the diner, Doris forgetfully leaves her spectacles on the table. 

They’re driving along for about 45 minutes before Doris suddenly realises that she’s left her spectacles behind.

Dick,” Doris exclaims, “I left my spectacles on the table in the diner. I can’t be without them. We’ll have to go back.

Dick is really not happy about this, particularly as it’s another 20 minutes before they reach a junction where they can turn around and head back to the diner.

Doris,” said Dick, “I can never rely on you to get anything right, can I? We’ve added two  hours onto our journey just because you couldn’t remember your spectacles.”

For the entire journey back to the diner, Dick bitched and moaned in stereotypical grumpy old man fashion, blaming poor Doris for everything that was wrong in the world.

The more Dick chided her, the angrier he got and he didn’t let up for a single minute until eventually, they reached the diner.

As Doris got out of the car, she said, “I’ll be very quick, Dick, just bear with me one minute.”

Responding grumpily, Dick said, “Well, while you’re in there you might as well get my hat and the credit card I left behind.”

3. The Pope visits Liverpool:

The Pope’s on a visit to Liverpool and he’s handing out miracles to kids in a poor neighbourhood.

A young teenager named Jack walks up to him and says, “Holy Father, could you help me with my hearing?

The Pope says, “Yes, of course, my son.” He then puts his hands on Jack’s ears and starts praying.

After a few moments, the Pope removes his hands from Jack’s ears and says, “How’s your hearing now my son?

I don’t know, Hold Father,” says Jack, “I’m not up in Court until Thursday.”

4. The elevator ride:

hilarious joke of the dayAn old lady gets into an elevator on the Ground Floor of the Empire State Building in Manhattan.

On the very next floor, a young, well-dressed and beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling of very expensive perfume.

The young woman smiles at the old lady and notices she’s sniffing at the fragrance in the air. So, the young woman says, a little arrogantly, “Do you like it? It’s Dolce & Gabbana Dolce Eau de Parfum Spray and it’s $122.00 a bottle.

The old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

A couple of floors further up and the elevator stops again and in gets another beautiful young woman, once again, smelling of costly perfume.

As the old lady is once again sniffing at the fragrance in the air, this young woman smiles and says, “Do you like it? It’s Atelier Bloem Nieuw Amsterdam Eau de Parfum and it’s $195.00 a bottle.

Once again, the old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

Ten floors further up and the old lady is about to reach her destination when she couldn’t stop herself from dropping an ass blast, loudly, and there’s the most terrible smell.

As she’s leaving the elevator, and noticing the look on their faces, the old lady smiles at her two fellow passengers and says, “Do you like it? Broccoli. 48 cents a pound.”

5. The cab driver and the nun:

A cab driver picks up a nun on Central Park West.

The cab driver can’t help staring at his passenger.

Why are you staring at me?” asked the nun.

Well, Sister,” says the cab driver, “I’ve always had this fantasy to kiss a nun.

The nun smiles at him and says, ”I can only kiss you if you’re single and Catholic.

That’s lucky,” says the cab driver, “I’m both!

So they agree to pull over into an alley and the nun proceeds to kiss the driver in a way that would make a lady of the night blush.

As they continue on their journey, the cab driver starts feeling guilty.

Sister,” says the cab driver, “I have a confession to make.”

And what would that be?” asks the nun.

I lied to you,” says the cab driver. “I’m actually married and I’m Jewish.

That’s OK,” says the nun, “My name’s Keith and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.

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So dear reader, would any of these contenders be your hilarious joke of the day? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share funny jokes, surely everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2022. All Rights Reserved.

21 witty short jokes to tickle you and brighten your day

Witty Short JokesIf you’re looking for some witty short jokes to make you smile, then here are 21 that I hope will brighten your day.

Enjoy them all and then please pass them on.

Witty Short Jokes:

  1. I saw a robbery in an Apple Store. Does that make me an iWitness?
  2. Q: Does February like March? A: No, but April May
  3. I have a fear of long distances, so I go to great lengths to avoid them.
  4. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.
  5. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  6. Q: What did the snowman say to the customer? A: Have an ice day!
  7. Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It’s pasteurized before you even see it!
  8. Q: Why do seals swim in saltwater? A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
  9. I had a fear of speed bumps but I slowly got over it
  10. Q: When does a duck wake up? A: At the quack of dawn.
  11. My girlfriend left me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I don’t have any.
  12. Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree? A: It sits on a leaf and waits till the Fall.
  13. I don’t normally tell dad jokes but when I do, he always laughs.
  14. Q: Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A: A convict.
  15. I went to my doctor to see why I had such an excessive fear of snakes. He said I have a reptile dysfunction.
  16. Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? A: No eye deer.
  17. A girl in the office asked me if I had a date for Valentine’s Day. I told her it’s always February 14th, as far as I know.
  18. Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers? A: Leeks!
  19. An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?” The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”
  20. Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who’s trying to quit smoking? A: A pumpkin patch!
  21. I have a fear of overly designed buildings. It’s a complex complex complex

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these witty short jokes as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share witty jokes, surely everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2022. All Rights Reserved.

4 contenders for funny stories of the day

funny-stories-of-the-day-1If you’re looking for funny stories of the day, then take a quick look at these four gems. They all tickled me and I hope they make you smile too.

Enjoy them all.

Funny stories of the day:

1. Traffic stop:

Jed and Wilma, an elderly couple, were driving to Buffalo to visit family.

Naturally, given their age, they shared the driving with a changeover each time they stopped for a comfort break.

Whilst Wilma was behind the steering wheel, she was pulled over by the Police.

Mam, did you know you were speeding?” said the Police officer.

Now Wilma was hard of hearing, so she turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?

In response, Jed yelled, “He says you were speeding!

Mam, may I see your driver’s license, please?” the Police officer asked politely.

Once again, Wilma turned to Jed and said, “What did he say?

Yelling, once again, Jed responded, “He wants to see your driver’s license!

Wilma searched through her purse and eventually found her driver’s license which she passed to the Police officer.

The Police officer checked her license details and then, by way of conversation, remarked with a smile, “Mam, I see you’re from New York City. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.

Once again, Wilma turned to Jed and asked, “What did he say?

He said he thinks he knows you!” yelled Jed.

2. The barber’s shop:

An old cowboy walks into a barber’s shop for a shave and a haircut.

Keen to ensure he gets the best shave possible, the cowboy explains to the barber that he can never get all his whiskers off because his cheeks were so wrinkled with age.

That’s no problem,” said the barber.

He then reaches into a cabinet and pulls out a little wooden ball.

The barber then says to the cowboy, “Just put this inside your cheek. We’ll do each side in turn and it’ll spread the skin out. With this, I’ll be able to give you a really close shave.

When the barber’s finished, the old cowboy is really pleased with the results.

On my, that’s the cleanest shave I’ve had in years,” he says.

As he’s handing back the wooden ball to the barber, he’s curious.

That little ball is a great idea, but what would’ve happened if I’d accidentally swallowed it?” asks the cowboy.

That wouldn’t have been a problem,” said the barber. “You could have just brought it back in a couple of days, as everyone else does.

3. Holiday in disguise:

Two Catholic priests went on vacation to Honolulu.

On this occasion, they were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as priests.

They wanted to enjoy this vacation just like regular people do.

So, as soon as the plane landed they went straight to a local beachwear store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, and sunglasses.

The next morning they decided to go for a walk along the beach dressed in their new clothes.

They were sitting in a beach bar enjoying a long, cool drink, taking in the sunshine and the scenery when an attractive blonde woman in a bikini came walking straight towards them.

This lady was truly stunning, so they couldn’t help but stare.

As she passed them she smiled and said to them in turn, “Good morning, Father,” and “Good morning to you too, Father.

They were both stunned into silence. How could she know they were both Catholic priests?

So later that day, they went back to the beachwear store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Outfits so loud, you could hear them a mile away.

The next day, dressed in their new, outrageous attire, they settled down once again in the beach bar to enjoy a cold drink.

Once again, the attractive blonde, wearing a different bikini, came walking towards them.

Again she nodded at each of them, and said, “Good morning, Father,” and “Good morning to you too, Father.

Well, the priests were shocked because they’d been recognised as priests once again.

Just a minute, young lady,” said one of the priests.

Yes, Father?” she responded.

Now it’s true, we’re priests and we’re proud of it,” he responded. “But how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?

Father, it’s me,” the blonde replied, “Sister Philomena!

funny-stories-of-the-day-24. Making an immediate impact:

The new CEO arrives for his first day in the office and he’s determined to let everyone know that he means business.

Having done a quick review of the Company’s financial position he decides his first act must be to reduce costs by getting rid of all the slackers who were not adding value to the business.

As he’s taking a tour of the Company’s facilities, there are workers everywhere but his eyes are immediately drawn to a guy leaning against a wall, apparently doing nothing in particular.

Seeing this as his chance to make an immediate impact, he walks over to the guy and asks, “How much money do you earn each week, son?

The guy is taken a little by surprise but he responds politely by saying, “Sir, I make around $400 per week. Why do you ask?

In response, the CEO says, “You just wait right here!

He then disappears into the Finance Department and minutes later he reappears holding a bundle of cash in his hands.

He hands the guy $1,600 and says, “That’s four weeks’ pay. Now get out of here and don’t come back.

The guy takes the money and disappears out the door as fast as he can.

Feeling like a real power boss, the CEO looks around and says, to no one in particular, “So, does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did around here?

From the back of the room, in a loud voice, someone responded, “He was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.

Please share this post with your friends:

They were shared for laughs, but did any of these funny stories of the day really make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

3 funny stories to tell your friends and colleagues

funny-stories-to-tellIf you’re looking for some funny stories to tell your friends and colleagues then here are three that might just bring a smile to your face.

I’ve tried them on a few friends and they all laughed out loud.

So I hope they make you smile too.

Enjoy them all.

Funny stories to tell:

1. The Psychiatrist:

Now I hate to admit this but, ever since I was a child, I’ve had a fear that someone is under my bed at night.

My condition got so bad that I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist and I explained my problem to her.

I was quite honest with her and I just said, “Every time I go to bed I fear that someone is hiding under it. I’m really scared and I think I’m going crazy.”

I can help you,” she said. “If you put yourself in my hands for about a year, I can help you overcome your problem.

What do I have to do?” I asked.

Well,” said the psychiatrist, “If you come here for therapy three times a week for about a year, we should be able to help you get rid of your fears.”

How much do you charge?” I asked, naturally.

For each visit, the fee is $100.” The psychiatrist replied.

That needed a little thought, so I said, “Look, I think I’ll sleep on it and I’ll come back to you if necessary.

Six months later, as I’m walking down Main Street, I bump into the psychiatrist and she remembers me.

You didn’t come back to see me about those fears you were having,” she said.

Well,” I responded, “when I left your office that day I went into a bar for a drink, to think it over. I was explaining the situation to the bartender and, when I told him how much it would cost, he said he could offer me a solution that was guaranteed for $10.

Really?” said the psychiatrist, sounding more than a little irritated. “And how, may I ask, was your bartender able to resolve a complex psychological problem for just $10?

He told me to cut the legs off my bed,” I said. “I did, and no one can get under there now.”

2. The wealthy widower:

At 70-years-old, Frank was now an extremely wealthy widower.

One day, Frank arrived at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful young woman who was just 25-years-old.

This young lady was absolutely stunning and she had it all. Good looks, personal charm, perfect manners and she hung on Frank’s arm, listening to his every word, intently.

Well, Frank’s buddies were both impressed and more than a little jealous.

They were all muttering to each other and wondering how Frank was able to date such an amazing woman.

At the first opportunity, Frank’s buddy Jim corners him and asks, “Hey Frank, how did you get yourself such an attractive girlfriend?

She isn’t my girlfriend,” Frank responds. “She’s my wife.”

Jim can’t believe it but he needs to know the secret of Frank’s success.

That’s amazing,” says Jim, “but how did you persuade her to marry you?

I lied about my age,” says Frank.

Jim laughs out loud and then says, “Really? I suppose you told her you were only 50 then?

Don’t be ridiculous,” says Frank. “I told her I was 90, with a terminal illness.

3. The Pastor:

One Sunday morning after the church service, and whilst counting the money from the weekly offering, the Pastor found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

Surprised though he was, he thought little of it and just accepted this generous donation gratefully.

However, the following week the same thing happened again. This time the Pastor was naturally curious.

So, the following Sunday, the Pastor watched closely as the offering was being collected. As he observed proceedings, he noticed an elderly woman put a pink envelope on the plate.

Unsure what to do, the Pastor continued to observe proceedings each Sunday over several weeks. And each week the same thing happened.

The Pastor couldn’t contain his curiosity anymore, and one Sunday he decided to speak with the woman.

Excuse me, mam,” said the Pastor, “I couldn’t help but notice that each week you put $1,000 in the collection plate.

Why yes, Reverend,” the elderly lady replied. “Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”

That’s wonderful mam and very generous of you,” the Pastor replied. “However a thousand dollars is a lot of money. Can afford this? I mean, how much does he send you?

He’s a really good son and he sends me $10,000 every week,” the old lady responded.

Wow!” said the Pastor, truly amazed. “Your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?

He’s a veterinarian,” she said.

Well now, that’s certainly an important profession,” said the Pastor. “However I had no idea it was so well paid. Where does he practise?

The old lady smiled and said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cathouses. One’s in Las Vegas and one’s in Reno.”

Please share this post with your friends:

They were shared for laughs, but did any of these funny stories to tell really make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

7 short funny jokes that will make you smile

short-funny-jokesIf you’re looking for some short funny jokes then these might just make you smile.

They all tickled me, so I hope you enjoy them too.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Short funny jokes:

1. The bacon tree:

Two cowboys are lost in the desert.

As they’re staggering through the desert and very hungry, one of the cowboys suddenly sees a tree draped in bacon.

A bacon tree!” he shouts. “We’re saved!

He runs over to the tree as fast as he can but he’s shot up with bullets as he approaches it.

Sadly for him, it wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

2. Polishing a resumé:

To ensure you impress a hiring manager with your resumé, you must make your experience really stand out.

Even when the experience you have to offer might not sound like very much, you have to make it sound impressive.

For instance, let’s say on your resumé, you want to include the experience, “I changed a lightbulb.

That simple statement would not be enough. A better way to say it would be:-

I single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of a new environmental illumination system with zero cost.

3. Reporting in sick:

I phoned the office and I told my boss that I couldn’t come to work today because I have a wee cough.

She said, “You have a wee cough?

Really,” I said. “Thanks, boss. I’ll see you next week then.”

4. Never send your husband on an errand:

Jane said to her husband Bill, “Could you please go to the store and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six.”

A short time later, Bill returns with 6 cartons of milk.

Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?” asks Jane.

Because they had eggs,” says Bill.

5. Little Johnny needs water:

Little Johnny runs downstairs late at night and asks his dad for a glass of water.

Johnny,” says his dad, “that’ll be your fifteenth glass of water. Why do you need more water now?

Because my room’s still on fire,” says Johnny.

6. Hearing problems:

I went to the doctor because I had hearing problems.

Can you describe your symptoms,” the doctor asked.

Homer’s the fat bloke,” I responded, “and Marge has blue hair.

7. Pulled over for speeding:

Jack gets pulled over for speeding.

As the cop approaches the car, Jack requests permission to step out of his car and the cop agrees.

The cop then says, “Sir, I’m obliged to ask you why you were speeding?”

You see that woman sitting in the passenger seat?” says Jack. “That’s my wife. And the stern, miserable-looking woman in the rear seat, that’s my mother-in-law.

Right,” says the cop. “but how does that justify speeding?

My mother-in-law’s been living with us for three months now,” Jack continues. “This morning my wife and her mother had a terrible fight and my mother-in-law insisted I take her home. I’m trying to get her there before they have a chance to make up and she says she wants to return home with us.”

The cop smiles benevolently at Jack and says, “Get back in your car sir and I will give you a police escort under blue lights and the siren and we’ll get her home as quickly as possible.

Please share this post with your friends:

They were shared just for laughs, but did any of these short funny jokes really make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

3 funny short story jokes shared just for laughs

just-for-laughsHere are three very funny short story jokes shared with you just for laughs.

The aim is to brighten your day.

So enjoy them all.

Just for laughs:

1. Competing with a cat:

Jim’s a music producer searching for a job.

He’s looking through the ‘Wants Ads’ in one of the trade magazines, and he sees an advertisement stating MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED.

The advertisement states that candidates must be able to play the piano, type 40 words per minute and be bilingual. It also states EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER.

This job sounded exactly like the sort of opportunity Jim had been looking for and, as he could match the job’s requirements, he sends off an application.

Within days, Jim is sitting in front of the hiring manager, as the latter is studying Jim’s resumé.

You have an excellent resumé,” says the hiring manager. “However I do have another candidate who can match what you can offer in every way. So I’m torn between you, particularly as we’re an equal opportunity employer.

Who’s the other candidate?” Jim asks.

Well, actually it’s the cat sitting over there,” says the hiring manager.

You can’t be serious,” Jim responds. “A cat can’t play the piano.”

The cat jumps up to the piano and starts playing a piece by Frédéric Chopin, beautifully.

As it finished, the cat then said, “MEOW!

Jim had to admit that the cat could play. However, he then said, “The cat may be able to play the piano but surely it can’t type 40 words a minute?

The cat jumps on the hiring manager’s Macbook and starts typing at 150 words a minute, typing out a short biography of Antonio Vivaldi in less than ten minutes.

As it finished, the cat once again said, “MEOW!

Jim had to admit that the cat could type too. However, he then said, “OK, the cat may be able to play the piano and type but how can it be bilingual?

With that, the cat said, “WOOF!

2. The inseminator:

Before heading to Main Street for a business meeting, a farmer spoke to his wife and said, “Sorry to burden you with a problem but there’ll be a guy along this afternoon to impregnate one of the cows.”

How will I know which cow?” his wife asked.

Well,” he responded, “I’ve hung a nail by the correct stall in the barn, so it’s obvious which one I want impregnating.”

The farmer’s wife knew next to nothing about farming, nor was she really that interested, but she nodded in agreement nevertheless.

That afternoon the inseminator arrived whilst the farmer was away.

The farmer’s wife led him to the barn and showed him the stall with the nail.

This is the cow right here,” she said.

 “Thank you, mam,” said the impregnator. He then looked around and he noticed the nail.

What’s the nail for?” he asked.

The farmer’s wife shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t know. I guess it’s for you to hang your pants on.

3. The challenge:

Jake walks into a bar in Wichita, Kansas and as he’s about to order a beer, he notices an enormous jar on the counter. This jar’s stuffed full of $10 bills, so naturally Jake’s intrigued.

There must be $5,000 in that jar,” Jake says to the bartender. “What’s the deal there?

Well,” the bartender responds, “we’ve got a challenge going on right now.”

What’s the challenge?” asks Jake.

It’s simple really,” says the bartender. “You put $10 in the jar and if you can then pass three tests, you win the entire contents of the jar. Fail and your money remains in the jar. That way the cash mountain continues to build until someone wins.

Wow!” says Jake. “And what are the tests”?

You’ve got to put your money in the jar first,” says the bartender, “and then I’ll tell you.”

Jake puts a $10 bill in the jar as requested.

OK,” says the bartender. “So here’s the deal. First, you’ve got to drink a bucket full of pepper tequila. You’ve got to down it in one, without making a face. Second, there’s a vicious Rottweiler outback with a sore tooth. You’ve got to remove that tooth with your bare hands without the use of anaesthetic. Then third, there’s a 90-year-old woman upstairs. She wants someone to make love to her.”

Jeez!” says Jake. “I’ve paid $10 but I’m not a complete idiot. I’d have to be nuts to take up that challenge.

Your call, buddy,” says the bartender, “but your money stays in the jar.”

Jake decides he’ll just have a beer or two by way of consolation and take the $10 loss on the chin.

The beers are going down well and by the end of the evening, Jake’s had a belly-full of beer. He’s had so much beer he’s getting a bit tipsy, to say the least.

And now he’s fully loaded, he’s ready for anything.

OK buddy,” he says to the bartender, “where’s that tequila?

The bartender gives him a bucket full of peppered tequila and Jake grabs it with both hands. He raises the bucket to his mouth and downs the entire contents in one. His eyes are watering but he doesn’t make a face.

Jake puts the empty bucket on the bar and then he staggers outside where the vicious Rottweiler is chained to a post in the yard.

The customers in the bar can hear a commotion, the Rottweiler’s barking like crazy and Jake is shouting. The dog then yelps momentarily and this is followed by silence.

A few minutes later, Jake staggers back into the bar, bruised and battered and his shirt is ripped to shreds.

OK,” he says to the bartender, “now where’s this old woman with the sore tooth.

Jokes-just-for-laughsPlease share this post with your friends:

They were shared just for laughs, but did any of these funny story jokes really make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

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