Witty One-liners

19 Best Homer Simpson quotes that’ll make you smile

Best Homer Simpson Quotes These have got to be 19 of the very best Homer Simpson quotes and I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two with readers.

I love the Simpson’s and, in particular, Homer Simpson’s philosophy on life never fails to get me laughing out loud. So today I thought I’d take a look back at some of his most memorable quotes.

If you like the Simpson’s then I’m sure you too will enjoy looking back at Homer’s words of wisdom.

Enjoy them all.

Best Homer Simpson quotes:

  1. Trying is the first step towards failure.
  2. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  3. If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
  4. I never apologize. I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.
  5. Marge, you know it’s rude to talk when my mouth is full.
  6. Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
  7. If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.
  8. Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
  9. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
  10. The problem in the world today is communication; too much communication.
  11. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
  12. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
  13. If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
  14. I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
  15. Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do?
  16. Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals; except the weasel.
  17. Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
  18. Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
  19. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

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You do? I hope so anyway.

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© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

31 quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your EnthusiasmToday I thought it might be amusing to look back at some of the many memorable quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you’re not familiar with this sitcom, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a very funny comedy starring Larry David, playing a fictionalized version of himself. Essentially the series follows Larry in his life as a semi-retired television writer and producer in his attempt to deal with life’s frustrations and quirks.

There are plenty of Curb Your Enthusiasm clips on YouTube if you want to check out this comedy, and that’s well worth doing when you have a little free time.

So go ahead and take a look, but not before you’ve enjoyed these memorable quotes now.

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm:

  1. I’m yelling for society.
  2. I find human contact repulsive.
  3. Can I apologise for the apology?
  4. I’m married. I can wear whatever I want.
  5. By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?
  6. I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.
  7. Hey, mind your own business. How about that?
  8. I’ve got ideas, but I choose not to carry them out.
  9. I always think of nice things, but I never act on them.
  10. It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.
  11. Why does everybody have to have pictures of everything?
  12. I’m feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.”
  13. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?
  14. We’re fighting because you’re a moron. That’s why we’re fighting.
  15. I’m sorry if you’re offended. I don’t think I said anything offensive.
  16. You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
  17. I don’t like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.
  18. Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
  19. He wanted to stop and chat with me, and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat.
  20. Can I tell you something about apricots? 1 in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.
  21. A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
  22. Nobody likes a tattle-tale, NOBODY! So go ahead and squeal and you’ll end up in HELL! OKAY!
  23. You can put my colon up next to your colon; we’ll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.
  24. What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?
  25. It’s completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career’s been based on being unprofessional.
  26. An employee is told that the customer’s always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.
  27. You’re nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.
  28. I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbours. The thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things. Neighbours want your time.
  29. I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out ‘Watch out!’ and she said ‘Don’t you tell me what to do!’
  30. You know what? Never mind, alright! I-I’ll take my liver out! I’ll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!
  31. You know what it is? You’re always attracted to someone who doesn’t want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn’t want you; doesn’t even acknowledge your right to exist; wants your destruction! That’s a turn-on.

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21 Del Boy quotes fans of Only Fools and Horses will love

Del Boy QuotesFans of the British television sitcom Only Fools and Horses really do love its lead character, the irrepressible Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter, played by the brilliant actor David Jason. So today I’ve put together a series of some memorable Del Boy quotes which I’m confident fans will love.

If you’re not familiar with the sitcom Only Fools and Horses then I can recommend the many clips you’ll find on YouTube. They’re all very funny.

So take a look at them all when you can but not before you’ve taken a few minutes to enjoy all these memorable Del Boy quotes first. If you’re a loyal fan you’ll love them all, I’m sure.

Del Boy Quotes:

  1. You plonker, Rodney!
  2. Lovely jubbly!
  3. He who dares wins!
  4. You know it makes sense.
  5. I’m a black belt in origami.
  6. This time next year we’ll be millionaires!
  7. They’re yuppies. They don’t speak proper English like what we do.
  8. Rodney, everything between you and I is split straight down the middle: 60-40.
  9. It’s a well-known fact that 90 per cent of all foreign tourists come from abroad.
  10. You can’t trust the Old Bill, can ya? Look at that time they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom.
  11. You’ve always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education. That’s why you’re no good at snooker.
  12. As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, ‘We’ve been done up like a couple of kippers.’
  13. Asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr Kipling if he knows anything about cakes.
  14. Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you’ve ever sailed on, but now you’ve gone and knackered a gravy boat.
  15. There’s no point in running away. Running away only wears out your shoes.
  16. She used to say, ‘It’s better to know you’ve lost than not to know you’ve won.’ Dear old Mum, she used to say some bloody stupid things.
  17. One of my most favourites meals is Duck à l’Orange, but I don’t know how to say that in French.
  18. If you had been in charge of The Last Supper it would have been a takeaway.
  19. I got a Persian rug with more food on it than a menu.
  20. It’s the toughest chicken I’ve ever known. It’s asked me for a fight in the car park twice.
  21. No chance of this happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can’t even get Channel Three!

Bonus Quotes 1:

Fans of this series will know that some of Del Boy’s most memorable quotes are his attempts to display his mastery of the French language. Needless to say, he had no mastery of French, but his attempts at it were very funny.

So here are six of Del Boy’s best French phrases with a note on what he actually meant when he used them:-

  1. Pot Pourri! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘I don’t believe it!’)
  2. Au contraire! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘Hang on a minute!)
  3. Bain-marie! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘No problem!)
  4. Bonnet de douche! (By which Del Boy meant: Excellent!)
  5. Chateauneuf du Pape! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘It’s all gone crazy!’)
  6. Creme de la Menthe! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘The very best.’)

Bonus Quotes 2:

Whilst this post was intended to pay tribute to Del Boy and his many memorable lines in the show, I think it would be remiss of me not to include some honourable mentions of classic lines from other characters.

So here are three that make me smile every time I hear them:-

  1. He died a couple of years before I was born. ~Colin ‘Trigger’ Ball talking about his father.
  2. We might go out, get to know each other a bit, you know. Might like each other, then who knows? In time maybe she might do some ironing for me. ~Denzil Tulser talking about a potential date.
  3. Derek, will you get it into your thick skull, I’m not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I’m happy with you. ~Raquel Turner, in reference to Del Boy’s jealous nature.

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15 classic Elaine Benes quotes that’ll raise a smile or two

Elaine Benes QuotesStaying with my recent theme of memorable sitcom characters, today I thought it would be entertaining to take a look back at some classic Elaine Benes quotes.

Who can forget this brilliant character, player by the hugely talented Julia Louis-Dreyfus, from the American sitcom Seinfeld?

Elaine was a woman holding her own in a man’s world. She was smart, funny and she brought a little sparkle to the show. However, like all memorable sitcom characters, she was essentially a little flawed too, as you’ll appreciate from the quotes today.

If you love Seinfeld, I’m sure you will be a fan of Elaine Benes.

However, if you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Elaine Benes, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom, and featuring the character Elaine Benes, on YouTube.

They’re all brilliant and definitely well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 classic Elaine Benes quotes, which I’m confident will raise a smile or two, and will probably resonate with many female readers too, I’m sure.

Elaine Benes Quotes:

  1. I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian. ~ Elaine Benes
  2. I had to take a sick day. I’m so sick of these people. ~ Elaine Benes
  3. We just tease someone ’til they develop an eating disorder. ~ Elaine Benes
  4. Well, that’s the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight. ~ Elaine Benes
  5. I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He’s a re-gifter! ~ Elaine Benes
  6. You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn’t necessarily make you a homosexual. ~ Elaine Benes
  7. I can’t do this anymore, it’s too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die! ~ Elaine Benes
  8. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there’s even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off. ~ Elaine Benes
  9. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t break up nicely. I mean, to me, that’s one of the most important parts of a relationship. ~ Elaine Benes
  10. I mean the problem is that the good ones know they’re good. And they know they’re in such demand they’re just not interested in confining themselves to one person. ~ Elaine Benes
  11. That’s the bra I gave her, she’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society. ~ Elaine Benes
  12. Kramer, you don’t understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand. ~ Elaine Benes
  13. You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it. ~ Elaine Benes
  14. Yeah, since she met him she’s been vomited on, her family cabin’s been burned down, she learned her father’s a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going. ~ Elaine Benes
  15. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here’s the one thing you’ve gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it’s over. I mean, something happens to their personality; it’s really quite astounding. It’s like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there. ~ Elaine Benes

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15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes to brighten your day

Cosmo Kramer QuotesOne of the most memorable sitcom characters of all time has to be Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld, played by the excellent Michael Richards. So let’s take a look back at some of the best Cosmo Kramer quotes which made us all smile back in the day.

If you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Cosmo Kramer, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom on YouTube. They’re all brilliant and well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes which I hope will brighten your day.

Cosmo Kramer Quotes:

  1. Look away, I’m hideous.
  2. She’s got the Jimmy legs!
  3. Moles … freckles’ ugly cousin.
  4. Just make love to that wall pervert.
  5. You’re as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.
  6. Yeah, don’t worry, Jerry. We’re right on this guy like stink on a monkey.
  7. Because I’m like ice, buddy. When I don’t like you, you’ve got problems.
  8. Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak you sell the sizzle.
  9. There’s nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of a woman.
  10. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure, my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
  11. Now, what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
  12. Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious.
  13. I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
  14. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!
  15. Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humour. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard.

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15 George Costanza quotes that’ll make you smile

George Costanza QuotesToday dear reader, I thought you might appreciate some amusing quotes by George Costanza.

There have been some wonderful characters in sitcoms over the years and one of the very best, in my opinion, was that lovable loser George Costanza from the US sitcom Seinfeld, played by the excellent Jason Alexander.

George Costanza had a brilliant turn of phrase and his cup was always half-empty. If anyone had drawn the short straw in life it was George. However he gave us so many laughs, and for that we should all be very grateful.

So take a couple of minutes, relax and enjoy all these quotes by George Costanza.

George Costanza Quotes:

  1. I don’t trust men in capes.
  2. If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.
  3. Jerry, just remember it’s not a lie if you believe it.
  4. You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
  5. When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.
  6. If you can’t say something bad about a relationship you shouldn’t say anything at all.
  7. The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
  8. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
  9. I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
  10. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to fail.
  11. You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
  12. Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do a wash once a year.
  13. What’s so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn’t shop there.
  14. You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Nobody tells me it’s them, not me. If it’s anybody, it’s me.
  15. [To Jerry]: Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That’s all I’m askin’. This woman thinks I’m very funny and now you’re gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I’m gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn’t seem so funny.

Please share this post with your friends:

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

31 funny puns that are very cheesy but very amusing

Funny PunsDo you like funny puns, dear reader? I hope so because I’ve put together a collection of 31 of them just for you.

Personally I love funny puns and clever wordplay. Witty one-liners like this make me smile every time. Today’s collection is no exception.

I loved them all and I hope you will too. So take a moment, relax and enjoy them.

Funny puns:

  1. Marriage proposals are so engaging.
  2. I had a pizza joke, but it was too cheesy. 
  3. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
  4. The invention of the wheel really got things rolling.
  5. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
  6. What do you call a mean Egyptian ruler? Unpharaoh.
  7. Cleaning mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.
  8. A man was accidentally buried alive. It was a grave mistake. 
  9. I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite, but I accidentally picked 7 up.
  10. Why did the chicken go to the seance? To cross to the other side. 
  11. Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me. 
  12. Why does it cost so much to put air in tyres these days? Inflation.
  13. The invention of drones has given us a new perspective on things.
  14. Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
  15. I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.
  16. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  17. A physicist and a biologist had a relationship, but there was no chemistry.
  18. The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.
  19. I broke my finger at work today, but on the other hand, everything’s okay.
  20. Police were called to childcare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  21. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
  22. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
  23. I was fired from my job at the keyboard factory for not putting in enough shifts.
  24. I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
  25. Two plates are sitting on a table. One says to the other, “Tonight, dinner is on me.”
  26. If Americans switched from pounds to kilos overnight, there would be mass confusion.
  27. Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  28. I’m managing my kleptomania pretty well. Whenever it gets bad, I take something for it.
  29. My girlfriend really changed when she became a vegan. It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
  30. My girlfriend says she’s been suffering from migraines for a long time, but I think it’s all in her head.
  31. Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now when you mention botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

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So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

29 clever puns that’ll make you smile, at least a little

Clever punsIf you love clever puns then you’ve come to the right place, dear reader. I’ve put together a collection of 29 witty one-liners that will make you smile, at least a little.

Certainly they all made me smile and I’m confident that you’ll enjoy them too.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy them all.

Clever puns:

  1. With great reflexes comes great response-ability.
  2. What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!
  3. How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
  4. An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.
  5. I have a broken barometer that I need to sell. No pressure.
  6. Nuns wear the same outfit every day. Must be a habit, I guess.
  7. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
  8. I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  9. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up!
  10. If it’s cold, stay close to others. Otherwise you might feel a bit ice-olated.
  11. I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting.
  12. Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!
  13. I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
  14. You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians! Everyone.
  15. To whoever stole my broken bathroom scale, you’ll never get a weigh with it.
  16. Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing.
  17. I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.
  18. Why are fish the easiest animals to weight? Because they come with their own scales.
  19. I started a business selling yachts in my attic. Sails have gone through the roof.
  20. I wouldn’t let my children go to see the orchestra. There’s too much sax and violins.
  21. I told my wife I felt like a deck of cards and she said she’d deal with me later.
  22. I have a weird talent where I can tell what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
  23. Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail? She got a full sentence.
  24. The Pentagon was originally going to be a square, but the contractor kept cutting corners.
  25. What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.
  26. I’m a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Someday I’m going to be awesome.
  27. My partner’s name is David, so we named our son Harley. This way he’s Harley, David’s son.
  28. I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
  29. Did you hear about the thieves who robbed a theatre during a performance? They stole the spotlight.

Please share this post with your friends:

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So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

Other articles which will also amuse you:

© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

35 witty one-liners that are all very corny but they’re fun too

Witty One-LinersDo you enjoy witty one-liners dear reader? Well, today I’ve put together another collection of 35 of them just for you.

Yes, they’re all corny puns, that’s true, but they’re fun too and they all made me smile. So I hope they brighten your day as well.

Take a few minutes now to enjoy them all.

Witty one-liners:

  1. The periodic table is elementary knowledge.
  2. Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners, but cats can.
  3. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
  4. If you know of any good fish jokes, let minnow.
  5. Spring is here! I’m so excited, I wet my plants.
  6. Puns about menstruation are not funny. Period.
  7. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  8. Be kind to dentists because they have fillings too.
  9. How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch? Tea, Rex?
  10. Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses.
  11. No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder. 
  12. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  13. Which way did the programmers go? They went data way!
  14. I’m positive I just lost an electron. Better keep an ion that.
  15. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
  16. I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  17. People tend to study gravity because it’s a pretty attractive field.
  18. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
  19. If you use an umbrella, does that mean you’re under the weather?
  20. I heard a joke about a mythical sea monster and it’s still Kraken me up!
  21. After the birth of your first child, your role in life will become apparent. 
  22. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.
  23. I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends!
  24. I was going to donate part of my stomach, but I didn’t have the guts.
  25. My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
  26. I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on, but then it just clicked. 
  27. Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
  28. I’m working on a machine that can read minds. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
  29. Did you see the headlines this morning? “Man in boxers leads police on brief chase”.
  30. Apple is designing a new automatic car, but they’re having trouble installing Windows!
  31. I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares.
  32. I was on the toilet, angry and late for work. I thought to myself, “I don’t have time for this sh*t.”
  33. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presents.
  34. My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat. In the end, he came around.
  35. I got a pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts. On the one hand, it’s great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

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Thank you.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

15 funny quotes by George Carlin

Funny quotes by George CarlinToday I thought it would be a good idea to look back at some funny quotes by George Carlin.

The late George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, philosopher, author, and social critic. He’s probably best known for his sardonic, irreverent wit and his reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various other taboo subjects.

I love irreverent wit and I thought he was a very funny man.

If you’re unfamiliar with his work, then it’s worth checking out some of the many videos of his performances that you’ll find on YouTube.

Here are 15 funny quotes by George Carlin that I’m confident will get you thinking about life, the universe and everything.

Funny quotes by George Carlin:

  1. It’s never just a game when you’re winning. ~George Carlin
  2. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. ~George Carlin
  3. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. ~George Carlin
  4. The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept. ~George Carlin
  5. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. ~George Carlin
  6. Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town. ~George Carlin
  7. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~George Carlin
  8. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think. ~George Carlin
  9. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. ~George Carlin
  10. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. ~George Carlin
  11. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. ~George Carlin
  12. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. ~George Carlin
  13. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. ~George Carlin
  14. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade. ~George Carlin
  15. Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. ~George Carlin

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these funny quotes by George Carlin interesting dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you did enjoy them then please, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.