Witty One-liners

15 funny quotes to gladden your heart

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I love quotes. And I’m always on the lookout for great quotes, and particularly funny quotes.

Many great quotes have influenced my own personal philosophy.

Others have been really useful as a means for reinforcing messages in presentations.

And then there are those that just make me smile.

I’m referring to those funny quotes that resonate with me, whilst offering a germ truth within the underlying wit.

So here are 15 funny quotes to gladden your heart and make you smile.

Enjoy them all. Certainly I did.

Funny Quotes:

  1. In my defence, I was left unsupervised.
  2. I used to think I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure.
  3. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  4. Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
  5. If I won an award for laziness, I’d send someone else to pick it up.
  6. I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
  7. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
  8. The early bird can have the worm, because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.
  9. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
  10. Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
  11. Life has no hands but it can still give you a slap in the face sometimes.
  12. Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then it’s just suspicious.
  13. Having great power is wonderful until you get the electricity bill.
  14. I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you’d like punch in the face.
  15. Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. ~Author Unknown

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21 humorous quotes that might just tickle your funny bone

humorous quotesBy popular demand and just for you dear reader, here are 21 humorous quotes that might just tickle your funny bone. They all made me smile.

Unfortunately I’ve struggled to identify the original authors of these witticisms so they must all be classified as ‘Author Unknown’.

However, if anyone can help me on this point I’d be happy to give appropriate credits where possible. Just let me know via CONTACT.

Either way I hope they do make you smile dear reader.

And should you be someone for whom life is a bit tough right now, then I hope they bring a little joy to what might otherwise be a dark day.

I hope you enjoy them all.

In my humble opinion, these are some of the funniest quotes you’ll read today or, indeed, any day.

Laugh long and laugh loud for life is too short not to fill your days with laughter. Enjoy this moment, for this moment is your life.

Humorous Quotes:

  1. It was me, I let the dogs out.
  2. Parenthood is the scariest hood to go through.
  3. People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.
  4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  5. I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.
  6. Today is one of those days when even my coffee needs a coffee.
  7. I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
  8. An apple a day keeps anyone anyway, if you throw it hard enough.
  9. I’ve made it from the bed to the couch. There’s no stopping me now.
  10. Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
  11. I think something’s missing in my life. Like four or five million dollars.
  12. You know you’re a mom when you understand why mama bear’s porridge was cold.
  13. I once had a job in an orange juice factory but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
  14. I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.
  15. Dear life, when I said “can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  16. I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three or four times, you know, just to be sure!
  17. Don’t mess with me; I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.
  18. I was going to take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again!
  19. That awkward moment you can’t understand what somebody is saying after they’ve repeated it about five times.
  20. I remember years ago when all I wanted to do is be older. I was wrong.
  21. During his summer recess, Santa has been viewing your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.

humorous quotes

Enjoyed these humorous quotes? Please share this post:

So dear reader, did at least some of these humorous quotes tickle you? Was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these humorous quotes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

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25 of the funniest one-liners to make you smile

Funniest One-LinersHere are some of the funniest one-liners I was able to find today. They all made me smile and I hope they brighten your day too.

Unfortunately I was unable to identify the original authors for these inventive and witty lines, so for the moment they are all classified as ‘Author Unknown’.

However should any reader be able to identify specific authors for individual one-liners, then I’d welcome your advice. I am very keen to add acknowledgements and links wherever I can, so please help.

In the meantime take a few minutes to enjoy 25 of the funniest one-liners because everyone needs to laugh whenever possible.

Funniest one-liners:

  1. I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
  2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there; he said he couldn’t complain.
  3. I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Call me playful but scaring men is so easy.
  4. Time may be a great healer but it’s a lousy beautician.
  5. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  6. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
  7. It’s easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  8. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  9. The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
  10. My ideal woman is one who is too naïve to know she’s way out of my league.
  11. She wanted a puppy but I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
  12. My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
  13. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
  14. The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
  15. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
  16. My husband is on the roof. Only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
  17. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road!”
  18. My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
  19. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  20. Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
  21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  22. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
  23. Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
  24. “Doctor, there’s a patient on Line 1 who says he’s invisible.” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
  25. The deeper the pit you’re falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly. 

Funniest One-LinersEnjoyed these one-liners? Please share this post:

So dear reader, were these the funniest one-liners in your opinion? Was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

25 brilliant one-liner quotes guaranteed to raise a smile

Brilliant One Liner QuotesHere are 25 brilliant one-liner quotes guaranteed to raise a smile. I loved them all and I’m confident you will too. Enjoy!

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

  1. Everything’s difficult before it’s easy.
  2. I do all my own stunts but never intentionally.
  3. Don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
  4. Your secret’s safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
  5. If only we could invoice people for wasting our time.
  6. I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.
  7. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery.
  8. Sarcasm is just punching people in the face with words.
  9. The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.
  10. You never know what you’ve got until you clean your room.
  11. Be like the postage stamp. Stick to a thing until you get there.
  12. I intended to behave but there were so many other options.
  13. If Cinderella’s shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
  14. Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.
  15. Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
  16. Revenge sounds so mean. I prefer to call it returning the favour.
  17. They say nothing’s impossible but I’ve been doing nothing all day.
  18. I’m still waiting for the wisdom I was assured would come with age.
  19. If one door opens when another closes, your house is probably haunted.
  20. You know it’s time to move on when the best part of your job is a chair that swivels.
  21. If you want your children to listen to you, try talking in a very low voice to someone else.
  22. If you’re going to get into trouble for hitting someone, you might as well hit them hard.
  23. People who can’t find time for rest and recreation will be forced to make time for illness, sooner or later.
  24. All I’m saying officer is that if you caught me then you must have been speeding too and no one’s above the law.
  25. When you get angry take a deep breath and count to 10. Then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

Brilliant One Liner QuotesEnjoyed these one-liners? Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

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17 of the best puns ever and guaranteed to make you smile

Best PunsI love wordplay, especially that form of wordplay that exploits multiple meanings of words for humorous effect.

I think clever puns are brilliant, which is why I’ve been searching the Internet for some of the best ones.

Here of 17 of the best puns I’ve found, so let me know what you think.

As always when searching the net for wit and wisdom, it’s difficult to confirm the original author. Should you be one of them dear reader then please let me know. That way I can give you credit for your brilliance.

Best puns ever:

  1. How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
  2. I hate peer pressure and you should too.
  3. I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
  4. I’m a born pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
  5. My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she’s a keeper.
  6. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where’s the bartender?”
  7. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  8. I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  9. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well, it’s just gathering dust.
  10. About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
  11. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  12. A cop knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes but my dogs don’t even own bikes.
  13. I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. That must be a milestone.
  14. To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing.
  15. This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that’s a nice Jester.
  16. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
  17. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns but I realized that toucan play at that game.

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these the best puns ever? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

Funny Witty QuotesI always get the best reaction with blog posts that are full of content to make you smile. That’s natural of course. After all, we all need a good laugh, don’t we? And funny witty quotes are particularly popular with readers.

With that in mind I’ve been trawling my personal journals looking for funny witty quotes which I’ve noted for posterity, and which I hope you’ll enjoy now, dear reader.

So, here are 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you. Certainly they tickled me.

They’re all by Authors Unknown but they’re razor-sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on take a few minutes right now to have a laugh and enjoy them all.

Funny witty quotes:

  1. ‘Be yourself’ is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
  2. Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
  3. HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
  4. Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
  5. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  6. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
  7. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
  8. There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
  9. You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
  10. If you have nothing to be grateful for check your pulse.
  11. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
  12. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
  13. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  14. We mature with damage, not with years.
  15. Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
  16. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  17. Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
  18. I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
  19. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  20. The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
  21. The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
  22. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
  24. If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
  25. 129% of people exaggerate.

Funny Witty QuotesPlease share this post with your friends:

So did these funny witty quotes amuse you, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. Thank you.

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11 razor-sharp quotes from some of life’s greatest wits

Razor-sharp QuotesI love razor-sharp quotes, don’t you? I refer to those quotes that are both sharp and very funny, when you give them just a little thought.

Whenever I come across a sharp and witty quote, I always make a note of it in my journal. And today, as I’ve been going through my journal, I’ve picked out 11 razor-sharp quotes that I think are funny and I thought you might enjoy them too, dear reader.

They definitely made me smile, so I hope they brighten your day too. Enjoy them all.

Razor-sharp quotes:

  1. Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you. ~Jeremy Clarkson
  2. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. ~Oscar Wilde 
  3. I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business, but I was in the top one. ~Brian Clough
  4. The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. ~Dorothy Parker
  5. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. ~WC Fields
  6. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~Spike Milligan
  7. He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. ~Winston Churchill
  8. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~Noel Coward
  9. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
  10. A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth. ~George Bernard Shaw
  11. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ~Mark Twain

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Thank you.

Other articles you may also find interesting:

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15 amusing quotes by Spike Milligan to make you smile

I love to read amusing quotes by Spike Milligan. He was undoubtedly a man with a funny bone.

In case you’re not familiar with his name, Spike Milligan was a funny, irreverent and much-loved comedian and staple of British television and radio for many years in the post-war era and right up until his death in 2002.

Born Terence Alan Milligan in India, he was the son of a British Army Captain of Irish descent and an English mother.

In addition to being a wonderful comic performer, probably best known for his work with the Goon Show, he was also a successful writer, poet, playwright and actor.

Though he spent much of his early life in India, the majority of his adult life was spent in the United Kingdom.

However when the Commonwealth Immigrants Act removed Indian-born Milligan’s automatic right to British citizenship in 1962, despite his own service in the British Army as well as his father’s, he became an Irish citizen, exercising a right conferred through his Irish-born father.

I think he was a genuinely funny man and to prove it, here are 15 of his razor-sharp quips. Enjoy them all.

Quotes by Spike Milligan:

  1. All men are cremated equal. ~Spike Milligan
  2. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. ~Spike Milligan
  3. I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. ~Spike Milligan
  4. Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? ~Spike Milligan
  5. Money couldn’t buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy. ~Spike Milligan
  6. I’m a hero with coward’s legs. ~Spike Milligan
  7. How long was I in the army? Five-foot eleven. ~Spike Milligan
  8. I turned and rubbed my hands with glee. I always keep a tin of glee handy. ~Spike Milligan
  9. I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Spike Milligan
  10. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~Spike Milligan
  11. Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death. ~Spike Milligan
  12. I can speak Esperanto like a native. ~Spike Milligan
  13. A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherd’s Bush. ~Spike Milligan
  14. A family man from Siberia; As a father was very inferior; But one operation; Revised the situation; And now he’s Mother Superior. ~Spike Milligan
  15. And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. ~Spike Milligan

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Did you find these quotes by Spike Milligan amusing?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share this post on social media with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated.

Thank you.

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33 hilarious cheesy pick-up lines to make you smile

Pick-up LinesWe’ve all been there at some point in our lives, particularly when we’re young.

We’re in a bar or a club and we see someone attractive, who we’d like to get to know a little bit better.

The weapon of choice in such situations is the pick-up or chat-up line as a conversation opener with the intent of engaging that person in the hope that it may lead to a date or even romance.

Sadly there are not many pick-up lines that we can truly look back on with pride though.

Here are 33 hilarious but very cheesy pick-up lines that may not stand the test of time but certainly they’ll make you smile right now. Enjoy them all.

Pick-Up Lines:

  1. Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?
  2. Are you Yoda? Because Yodalicious.
  3. Your hand looks heavy can I hold it for you?
  4. Your lips look lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
  5. Do you play soccer? Because you’re a keeper!
  6. Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
  7. Do you have a name or can I call you mine?
  8. Hello, you’re so hot a firefighter couldn’t put you out.
  9. I must be in a museum because you’re a work of art.
  10. You’re so lovely, you make me wanna go out and get a job
  11. Hi, I’m writing a phone book. Can I have your number?
  12. I’m no organ donor but I’d be happy to give you my heart.
  13. Hey, you’re pretty and I’m cute. Together we’d be pretty cute.
  14. I’m not a photographer but I can picture me and you together.
  15. Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.
  16. I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
  17. I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?
  18. Was your dad a boxer? Because you’re a knockout!
  19. I’m not a hoarder but I really want to keep you forever.
  20. Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
  21. Can I follow you? Because my mom told me to follow my dreams
  22. You must be a broom because you just swept me off my feet.
  23. Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.
  24. I heard you’re good at algebra. Can you replace my X without asking Y
  25. Do you have a band-aid? Because I scraped my knees falling for you.
  26. You really shouldn’t wear makeup. You’re messing with perfection!
  27. I may not be the best looking guy here but I’m the only one talking to you.
  28. Would you grab my arm, so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?
  29. Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.
  30. Do you know if there are any police around here? Cause I’m about to steal your heart.
  31. You look familiar. Didn’t we take a class together? I could’ve sworn we had chemistry.
  32. I don’t believe in love at first sight but I’m willing to make an exception in your case.
  33. Can you kiss me on the cheek so I can at least say a cute girl kissed me tonight?

Pick-up Lines

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these hilarious but very cheesy pick-up lines made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

30 really unhelpful things to say in a crisis

Unhelpful things to say in a crisisIn times of crisis, our friends and loved ones need our sympathy and support. What they don’t need are stupid, inane or thoughtless comments that really don’t help.

Often we feel we’ve got to say something and in responding to silence we often say things that are really unhelpful to fill the void. Such comments may seem funny later but at the time they really don’t help.

So in times of crisis, if you can’t say something supportive, it’s probably better to remain silent and allow your friend, a loved one, or even your boss a little time to think through the problem and focus on a potential solution.

Nevertheless, unhelpful things said in a crisis can be amusing, so here are somethings best not said. I hope they amuse you, dear reader.

Unhelpful things to say in a crisis:

  1. You must have done something terrible in another life.
  2. I told you so.
  3. It can only get better.
  4. Just calm down, stuff happens.
  5. If only you hadn’t done that.
  6. I’m sensing a bit of tension. Have I done something to upset you?
  7. That shouldn’t happen, should it?
  8. Don’t panic, don’t panic.
  9. You’ll laugh about this one day.
  10. Jeez, you’ve got a real problem there.
  11. Now that was a really serious mistake.
  12. I guess it’s not a good time to ask for a pay raise?
  13. Didn’t you say you hadn’t renewed the insurance policy?
  14. Statistically speaking this doesn’t happen very often.
  15. Unhelpful things to say in a crisisDon’t you just hate it when that happens?
  16. Does this mean our date’s off tonight?
  17. Oh well, mistakes can be valuable learning experiences.
  18. You can always draw a line under it and move on.
  19. What does Google say?
  20. Was that really expensive?
  21. There are people who would love to be where we are right now.
  22. However bad it may be, it could be worse.
  23. When life gives you lemons, you can always make lemonade.
  24. That’s incredible. You wouldn’t have thought that was possible.
  25. I couldn’t cope with what you’re going through right now.
  26. When I think of situations like yours, I count my blessings.
  27. God wouldn’t give you more than you can handle.
  28. Did you know that the probability of that happening was about a trillion to one?
  29. There are people in this world with more problems than you have right now.
  30. When I see a situation like yours, I realize that there but for the grace of God go I.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these unhelpful things to say in a crisis made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

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