Witty One-liners

15 quotes by Lily Tomlin that are sharp and witty

Quotes by Lily TomlinOne of the greatest American comic personalities has to be Lily Tomlin in my opinion.

Born Mary Jean Tomlin in 1939, I think she’s up there with the very best female comedians like Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller and could give any of America’s funny men a serious run for their money too.

She is in fact an actress, comedian, writer, singer and producer and has had a successful career stretching back to the 1960s.

Here are 15 quotes by Lily Tomlin to underline my point.

Quotes by Lily Tomlin:

  1. We are all in this together, by ourselves. ~Lily Tomlin
  2. The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin
  3. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin
  4. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. ~Lily Tomlin
  5. I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. ~Lily Tomlin
  6. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. ~Lily Tomlin
  7. Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest then we can all die laughing. ~Lily Tomlin
  8. Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. ~Lily Tomlin
  9. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. ~Lily Tomlin
  10. The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~Lily Tomlin
  11. We’re all in this alone. ~Lily Tomlin
  12. I guess if people couldn’t profit from war I don’t think there would be war. ~Lily Tomlin
  13. Ninety-eight per cent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two per cent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. ~Lily Tomlin
  14. When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime, and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. ~Lily Tomlin
  15. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ~Lily Tomlin

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

witty one-liner jokesIn need of being cheered up a little dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile?

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but should you know then do let me know. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes:

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.
  11. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  12. I’ve no idea why but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  13. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  14. Leave them wanting more is always great advice, unless you work in disaster relief.
  15. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  16. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccoughs.
  17. If we should never eat late at night then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  18. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  19. I read in the newspaper that a semi-colon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  20. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat, I’m living on the wrong planet.
  21. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  22. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  23. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves, and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  24. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  25. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

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People really do enjoy witty one-liner jokes, so please share this post now.

If you could share this post then I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find interesting:

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25 silliest Christmas cracker jokes, so bad they’re funny

Christmas Cracker JokesDear reader, do you enjoy Christmas cracker jokes? Those corny jokes and puns you look for, having pulled your Christmas cracker?

I must confess, I love them and I’ve collected 25 of the best ones here in the hope that you might find them amusing.

Whether Christmas is an occasion you celebrate or not, I do hope one or two of these silly jokes will make you smile.

Christmas cracker jokes:

  1. What is white and minty? A polo bear!
  2. How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle!
  3. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph!
  4. What did Santa say to his wife? It’s going to reindeer!
  5. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis!
  6. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!
  7. What does Miley Cyrus prefer for Christmas dinner? Twerky!
  8. What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate Clauses!
  9. What is Santa’s favourite place to deliver presents? Idaho-ho-ho!
  10. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!
  11. What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”
  12. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker!
  13. Why did Santa’s little helper lack confidence? Because he had low elf esteem!
  14. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus!
  15. What do you call Santa when he forgets to wear his underpants? Saint Knickerless!
  16. Why did the turkey cross the road? Because it was the chicken’s day off!
  17. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
  18. What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
  19. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
  20. Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer!
  21. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he had nobody to go with!
  22. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
  23. How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger!
  24. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up at the sky on the night of Christmas Eve? Looks like rain, dear!
  25. Why did Santa say that sprouts should be our vegetable of choice on Christmas Day? All he was sayin’ was give peas a chance!

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People really do enjoy groaning at Christmas cracker jokes, so please share this post now.

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21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

Brilliant One-LinersWhenever I share funny one-liners with readers, the posts are always popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one-liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you dear reader.

Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 21 brilliant one-liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all Author Unknown.

However, I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able to enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime I hope these 21 brilliant one-liners will brighten your day.

Brilliant one-liners:

  1. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  2. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  3. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  4. Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  5. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  6. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
  7. I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  8. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  9. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  10. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  11. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  12. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  14. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  15. Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
  16. I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
  17. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  18. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
  19. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
  20. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  21. I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

If you enjoyed them, please share:

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Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

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Thank you.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

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25 funny facts to entertain and amuse you

Funny FactsIf you want to amaze people with the variety and depth of your knowledge then it’s always useful to have a few weird and funny facts at your disposal.

So here are 25 funny facts to entertain and amuse you. I found them all fascinating and I hope you do too dear reader.

See how many of these facts you can work into your conversations today.

Funny Facts:

  1. China has censored their word for censorship.
  2. Cows moo with regional accents.
  3. The female lion does 90% of the hunting.
  4. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  5. Over 75% of people who read Fact No 4 will then try to lick their elbow.
  6. 50% of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.
  7. Dolly Parton once lost out to a drag queen in a Dolly Parton look-alike contest.
  8. The blob of toothpaste you put on your toothbrush is called a nurdle.
  9. Putting in a vase will make flowers stand up straight for a week beyond when they would normally wilt.
  10. One-quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.
  11. A man once wore 60 shirts and nine pairs of jeans on a flight from China to Africa to avoid paying for excess baggage at check-in. 
  12. There’s a village in Norway called Hell and it freezes over every winter.
  13. It would take 76 workdays to read every online privacy policy we agree to in an average year.
  14. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
  15. In an average lifetime, while sleeping, people will eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
  16. 27% of all food produced in Western nations ends up in garbage cans.
  17. If you went out into space, you’d explode before you’d suffocate because there’s no air pressure.
  18. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
  19. A chip of silicon a quarter-inch square has the capacity of the original 1945 ENIAC computer, which occupied an entire city block.
  20. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
  21. You can tell the sex of a horse by its teeth. Most males have 40, whilst females have 36.
  22. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, then you’d have $1.19. You’d also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
  23. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
  24. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people
  25. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a Friday the 13th.

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15 witty quotes by Joan Rivers to raise a smile

Quotes by Joan RiversTo comedy lovers everywhere the late Joan Alexandra Molinsky is better known as the legendary Joan Rivers.

Razor-sharp and very funny, Joan Rivers was arguably one the finest American stand-up comedians of all time in what was probably the golden age of light entertainment.

By the strength of her personality, she managed to succeed in an age when it was even tougher for a woman to get a break in an industry dominated by powerful men. In that she remains a role model for women everywhere.

Joan Rivers pioneered her own brand of irreverent, unconventional comedy and her relentless work ethic allowed her comedy to evolve and her audiences continued to grow. A remarkable lady and one who always made me laugh.

Here are 15 witty quotes by Joan Rivers, which will make you smile I’m sure.

Quotes by Joan Rivers:

  1. I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. ~Joan Rivers
  2. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. ~Joan Rivers
  3. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. ~Joan Rivers
  4. Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. ~Joan Rivers
  5. There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. ~Joan Rivers
  6. Never floss with a stranger. ~Joan Rivers
  7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them. ~Joan Rivers
  8. I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny. ~Joan Rivers
  9. We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us. ~Joan Rivers
  10. People say that money is not the key to happiness but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ~Joan Rivers
  11. I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor. ~Joan Rivers
  12. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. ~Joan Rivers
  13. Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube. ~Joan Rivers
  14. I never dwell on what happened. You can’t change it. Move forward. Don’t waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Done. Move forward. ~Joan Rivers
  15. I walk on a stage, and I know if it’s been a good show or not. You know when it’s been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it’s a good show. And you know when you’ve messed up. ~Joan Rivers

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Did you find these quotes by Joan Rivers amusing?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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15 Funny quotes on friendship that’ll raise a smile

Funny quotes on friendshipIf you’re lucky enough to have one good friend then you are richer than you imagine and if you have two then you’re truly blessed.

Friendship is a relationship of equals.

Real friends are people with whom you have a lot in common, especially when it comes to things that make you laugh and those times when you enjoy getting silly.

True friends are people who know all your faults but accept you as you are anyway.

Not everyone with whom you have a friendly relationship is a true friend. Some people are just very good acquaintances.

A real friend is someone you could phone at 3 am, when you’re in trouble and know they’d be out to help you in a heartbeat.

Such people are worth their weight in gold and you should never take them for granted. They’re special and you should appreciate them being in your life because not everyone is quite so lucky.

Here are 15 funny quotes on friendship that for me touch on the very essence of what it all means.

Funny quotes on friendship:

  1. Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
  2. Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.
  3. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.
  4. When our phones fall, we panic. When our friends fall, we laugh.
  5. If you have crazy friends you have everything you’ll ever need.
  6. Never let your best friends get lonely. Keep disturbing them.
  7. You have a problem when your imaginary friend thinks he has a problem.
  8. There’s nothing better than a good friend, except for a good friend with chocolate.
  9. Friends come and go, like waves on the ocean, but the true friends stay like an octopus on your face.
  10. A best friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find, but you’re lucky if you have one.
  11. Laughing is one of the best exercises. It’s like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it’s even better with a friend.
  12. I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous, but a super humid room. Well not too humid, because you know, my hair.
  13. I love making friends. I usually prefer to make them out of plaster and give them funny-looking hats.
  14. Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl’s best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake.
  15. I hope we’re good friends until we die, then I hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through walls and scare people.

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Thank you.

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15 funny quotes about life that’ll make you smile

Funny quotes about lifeLife doesn’t come with a guarantee.

It is what it is and we get out of it about as much as we are prepared to put in.

Some people are lucky and others less so. And we can’t be certain of anything, other than death and taxes.

It’s a funny old world when you think about it and the experience of human existence can be a little bizarre at times too.

So today I offer you 15 funny quotes about life to emphasize the point and hopefully make you smile as well.

Yes, life’s hard and for many people, it’s extremely tough.

Life can be cruel for many people but for the lucky ones it can be a joy. So if you’re one of the lucky ones then embrace life and all the challenges it puts in your path. Through those challenges, you will grow.

However, don’t take yourself too seriously because no one else does.

Just learn to smile and appreciate whatever is good in your life.

Chase success by all means but don’t expect any certainties. Just enjoy whatever comes your way.

Finally remember this; you will make mistakes. So what? Everyone else does too.

Just learn from any mistakes you make and move on.

Nothing matters much when you think about it.

However laughing at yourself and life is probably the most important coping tool you’ll have at your disposal. So start by laughing at these funny quotes about life.

Sadly I cannot be sure of their origins, so for the moment anyway they are all by Authors Unknown.

However if you can enlighten me as to their origins then please do. I am very keen to acknowledge the work of others whenever possible.

Funny quotes about life:

  1. What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.
  2. If only common sense were more common.
  3. I really should do something with my life; maybe tomorrow.
  4. I didn’t fall; I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.
  5. Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer.
  6. I’m old enough to know better but young enough to do it anyway.
  7. Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.
  8. We all have baggage; find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.
  9. When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
  10. Taking a shower is awesome; it makes you feel nice and clean; makes you sound like a great singer, and it helps you make all of life’s decisions.
  11. The alphabet begins with ABC; numbers begin with 123; music begins with do-re-mi; and friendship begins with you and me.
  12. Sorry I didn’t pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone.
  13. I love everyone! I love to be around some people; I love to stay away from others, and some I’d just love to punch right in the face!
  14. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest …… I would miss you so much.
  15. Life doesn’t have any hands but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these funny quotes about life amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of them make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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10 memorable lines from the movies to make you smile

Memorable lines from the moviesI love the movies and I love all the clever lines that are so memorable.

So today I thought it would be a good idea to share with you 10 memorable lines from the movies.

I think these are some of the best lines of all time:-

Memorable lines from the movies:

  1. I’ll Have What She’s Having. ~When Harry Met Sally (1989)
  2. It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage. ~Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
  3. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. ~Animal House (1978)
  4. Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the War Room! ~Dr Strangelove (1964)
  5. There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. ~The First Wives Club (1996)
  6. There’s only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples’ cultures and the Dutch. ~Goldmember (2002)
  7. I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day he tells me it’s my fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him. Yeah, I did a little jail time but it was worth it. ~Living Out Loud (1998)
  8. There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? ~Airplane! (1980)
  9. Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m a schizophrenic and so am I. ~What About Bob? (1991)
  10. You’ve got to ask yourself a question: ‘do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk. ~Dirty Harry (1971)

And a bonus memorable line from television:

I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? ~Chandler Bing, Friends

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Were these some of the most memorable lines of all times?

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People really do love the movies, so share this post now. When you share, everyone wins.

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Thank you.

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15 witty quotes that’ll make anyone smile

Witty QuotesBlog posts which include something to make readers smile always get a good response. In fact, witty quotes always get the best response.

So here are 15 witty quotes which are razor-sharp and at least a few of them should brighten your day I am sure.

This is a collection of witty quotes put together in response to requests from readers for a little levity to break up the otherwise gloomy news which seems to have dominated our lives this year.

So go on have a laugh right now and enjoy them all.

Witty Quotes:

  1. I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ~Mae West
  2. When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. ~Groucho Marx
  3. Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well. ~Mark Twain
  4. Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ~Robert A. Heinlein
  5. I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. ~Oscar Wilde
  6. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~W.C. Fields
  7. My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best. ~Winston S. Churchill
  8. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ~George Burns
  9. Two wrongs don’t make a right but they do make a good excuse. ~Thomas Szasz
  10. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. ~A.A. Milne
  11. If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? ~Laurence J. Peter
  12. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. ~W.C. Fields
  13. Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away. ~Paul Terry
  14. When you’re courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ~Albert Einstein
  15. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~George Carlin

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these witty quotes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of them make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

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