Witty One-liners

37 funny comebacks for dealing with rude people

37 funny comebacksThe art of funny comebacks is one well worth developing.

We all have to deal with rude comments and mean, spiteful people occasionally. That’s all part of human existence.

However how often do you wish you had a suitable response ready to go to put such people firmly in their place?

If only you had a stock of funny comebacks to choose from when situations dictate?

Well here are 37 funny comebacks that you might find useful when you’re faced with dealing with rude, mean or difficult people. How many of these can you work into your day, today?

If there are any of these funny comebacks that you particularly like then please share this post with your friends but not before you’ve enjoyed them all first.

Remember: When you share, everyone wins.

Funny Comebacks:

  1. You know you really should buy some breath mints? 
  2. I have better things to do than listen to you.
  3. Whoever told you to be yourself has given you bad advice.
  4. I don’t care what everyone else says, I don’t think you’re that bad.
  5. Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
  6. I believed in evolution until I met you.
  7. Have you ever wondered why people don’t like you?
  8. I accept I’m not perfect but at least I’m not you. 
  9. If ignorance is bliss, then you must be the happiest person on the planet.
  10. You always bring me so much joy, the minute you leave the room.
  11. I don’t need a proctologist to tell me you’re an asshole.
  12. I’m not a cactus expert but I do know a prick when I see one.
  13. I would explain it to you but I have neither the time nor the crayons! 
  14. Sorry buddy but I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
  15. Look, if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I had to do was fart.
  16. If only your dad had used a condom, the world would be a better place.
  17. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Take a day off and give the rest of us a break.
  18. Everyone said you were unpleasant but I didn’t believe them ……. until now.
  19. Sorry but you’re confusing me with someone who actually cares about what you think.
  20. Are you always such an idiot or do you just like to show off when I’m around?
  21. I understand what you’re saying but if I agreed with you then we’d both be wrong.
  22. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Well, me neither.
  24. No wonder everyone talks about you behind your back.
  25. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it and remove all doubt.
  26. Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.
  27. I don’t remember asking for your opinion.
  28. I was going to give you a nasty look but I can see you’ve already got one.
  29. I’m busy, you’re ugly. Have a nice day.
  30. Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale?
  31. I hope you step on a Lego in your bare feet. 
  32. You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.
  33. Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else would you be able to understand me?
  34. You can keep rolling your eyes if you must but you’re unlikely to find a brain back there.
  35. I don’t know what your problem is but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
  36. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
  37. You sir are a human version of period cramps.

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37 Clever one-liners guaranteed to get your friends laughing

37 Clever one-linersYou may not be a stand-up comedian dear reader but, if you’re anything like me, I’m sure you like to have a few clever one-liners up your sleeve ready to amuse your friends.

It’s always useful to have a few good one-liner jokes in your back pocket, wouldn’t you agree?

Certainly, a funny joke never fails to break the ice in social situations. That’s why I collect them in my journal.

And I was asked recently would I go through my collection and share a few more with readers. So today I’ve done that just for you.

Next time you’re at a loss for words, then try out one or two of these clever one-liners and watch how your popularity grows.

Enjoy them all and then share them with your friends.

Clever one-liners:

  1. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  2. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  3. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
  4. Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  5. I want patience – AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  6. Today’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  7. If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
  8. Despite the cost of living, it remains popular.
  9. What’s worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.
  10. I used to have a handle on life but then it broke.
  11. Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!
  12. If talk is cheap, why is hiring a lawyer so expensive?
  13. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  14. My math teacher called me average. Which I think is mean.
  15. The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it is on my list.
  16. Every organisation will get results consistent with its design.
  17. Red meat’s not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat’s bad for you.
  18. I used to have an hourglass figure but then the sand shifted.
  19. If at first you don’t succeed, you can always redefine success.
  20. Why do bees hum? Because they can’t remember the lyrics.
  21. If everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
  22. Listen, girl, you know what this dress is made of? Boyfriend material.
  23. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  24. A giant fly attacked the police station. They had to call a SWAT team.
  25. If you’ve got a clear conscience, you’ve probably got a bad memory too.
  26. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t
  27. If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?
  28. Living on Earth may be expensive but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  29. They say money can’t buy happiness but it’s just bought me this Happy Meal.
  30. Drive with excessive speed and you won’t need to worry about your cholesterol.
  31. Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
  32. When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I reminded him that he said he didn’t hire stupid people.
  33. Any married person should forget their mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
  34. The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
  35. When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember that the fire department usually uses water.
  36. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. Trouble is, they’re usually married to each other.
  37. What’s the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairy tale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…’

Please share this post with your friends:

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When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that could be your good deed for the day.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

21 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

21 witty one-linersNow, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today I offer you 21 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

Witty One-Liners:

  1. I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
  2. If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” ~Ian Smith
  3. Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
  4. As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
  5. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  6. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  7. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  8. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  9. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
  10. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, Ah well, you only live once. ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  11. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
  12. If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
  13. People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
  14. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be? ~Paul McCaffrey
  15. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
  17. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
  18. What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, Two or three. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed ~Josie Long
  19. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  20. Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
  21. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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25 funny quotes about life guaranteed to make you smile

funny quotes about lifeToday I’m in a philosophical mood, so I thought I’d explore some funny quotes about life. This batch all made me smile and they’re guaranteed to make you smile too.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny quotes about life:

  1. A wise man once said nothing.
  2. Life’s like ice cream. You must enjoy it before it melts.
  3. Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.
  4. Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
  5. I made a large ‘to list’ for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it all.
  6. Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
  7. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is.
  8. You need three bones to succeed in life. A backbone, a wishbone, and a funny bone.
  9. Life’s hard but it’s even harder if you’re stupid.
  10. Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes.
  11. Life can be summed up in three words. It goes on.
  12. Stressed spelled backward is desserts. Coincidence? I think not.
  13. Life can be a handful. That’s why you’ve got two hands.
  14. Revenge sounds so mean. Better just to think of it as returning the favor.
  15. Life was easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
  16. There are three things a woman needs in life. Food, water, and compliments.
  17. Life’s short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  18. You may call them swear words but to me they’re just sentence enhancers.
  19. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never seem to use it.
  20. They say you attract what you fear. Well $10 million scares the life out of me.
  21. You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
  22. You never know how much you’ve got in life, until you decide to de-clutter your house.
  23. Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
  24. Dear life, when I said, “Can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
  25. During the day I don’t believe in ghosts. When I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night I’m more open-minded.

funny quotes about lifePlease share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these funny quotes about life, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

21 Clever One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Smile

21 Clever One-LinersI love funny and clever one-liners and over time I collect them in a journal. And when I’ve got enough I like to share them with readers. Anything that makes readers smile always results in a great reaction.

So today I offer you my latest collection, which I think are all very clever one-liners.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to identify the original authors, so I must classify them all as Author Unknown.

However, I’d be happy to add acknowledgements to each individual quote where readers are able to enlighten me accordingly.

So if you know who wrote them originally then please do let me know.

I’m sharing these clever one-liners with you because I am confident they’ll make you smile dear reader.

Certainly, they all made me smile, so I do hope you enjoy them too.

Clever One-liners:

  1. Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
  2. Arguing with your wife is unwise. Even if you win you lose.
  3. I can keep secrets, of course. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
  4. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  5. When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
  6. Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
  7. My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
  8. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
  9. You can’t make me do what you want me to do, you’re not my cat.
  10. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  11. The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.
  12. If you take away looks, money, intelligence, charm and success, there’s no difference between me and George Clooney.
  13. I really hate it when people ask for likes on social media. Like if you agree!
  14. You know you’re fat when you step on a ‘speak your weight’ scale and it says “one at a time please”.
  15. When I was at school 52% of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other 38%.
  16. My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my television.
  17. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 siblings but they didn’t know either.
  18. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
  19. I got called pretty yesterday and it felt really good. Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying” but I like to focus on the positive.
  20. You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t return then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
  21. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

Please share this post with your friends:

So did these clever one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

15 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

15 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smileHere is another batch of funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Once again I’ve been searching for the best smiles I can find just to brighten your day dear reader. I’ve done the hard work, so you don’t have to.

So sit back, relax and I hope you enjoy these funny one-liners just as much as I did.

And don’t forget your friends.

If you enjoyed these smiles then your friends probably will too.

So pass them on, but not before you’ve enjoyed them yourself.

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile:

  1. Never tell your secrets in a cornfield. There are too many ears
  2. Never give up on your dreams. Stay in bed and sleep on.
  3. I used to work as an origami teacher but I hated it. There was too much paperwork.
  4. They’ve just opened a new restaurant Downtown. It’s called Karma and they don’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
  5. Our local farmer has started feeding his cows with birdseed. That would explain why the milk is going cheep.
  6. There’s a store on Main Street where you can get dead batteries free of charge.
  7. Why is everything delivered by ship called a cargo and yet if it’s delivered by a van it’s called a shipment?
  8. Change your password to incorrect and then if you can’t quite remember it, your computer will say your password is incorrect.
  9. My sister bet me a $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car using spaghetti. Her face was a picture when I drove pasta.
  10. A man delivers a load of bubble wrap. “Where do you want this he asks?” “Oh, just pop it in the corner” was the reply.
  11. A police recruit was asked during his exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
  12. I was amused to read the epitaph on the late dentist’s gravestone. It read “He’s now filling his last cavity.”
  13. Why do bees hum? Because they can never remember the words.
  14. Why are ghosts always bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
  15. What would you call someone with just a nose and no body? Nobody knows.

15 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smilePlease share this post:

So did these funny one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

10 amusing quotes that might just make you smile

Amusing QuotesIf you have a passion for offbeat quotes then here are 10 of the best quotes you’ll read today. Well, I think so. Certainly, they’re amusing quotes.

Unfortunately, they’re all by authors unknown, so I haven’t been able to add credits. However, it would be a genuine pleasure to include credits if readers can shed any light on their origin. So, please do let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy today’s amusing quotes:-

Amusing quotes:

  1. For the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog.
  2. The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive.
  3. Sometimes the best part of my job is a chair that swivels.
  4. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them.
  5. The best way to show a giraffe your love is to knit a scarf for it.
  6. I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke but the best ones argon.
  7. Kids, I don’t know if our ceiling is the best ceiling but it’s definitely up there.
  8. What’s my best non-swearing insult? “I hope you step on a Lego in your bare feet!”
  9. A woman’s dream is not to find the perfect mate. A woman’s dream is to eat without putting on weight.
  10. Laughing is one of the best exercises; it’s like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it’s even better with a friend.

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these quotes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then if you’re looking for more posts to make you smile, just click on some of the links below.

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25 clever one-liners so funny you’ll howl laughing

Clever one linersIf you’re anything like me dear reader then you’ll love clever one-liners. I’m constantly collecting them in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share with you some of the best ones I’ve come across recently.

I found them all hilarious and I’m confident that you will enjoy them too.

Please share them with your friends, but not until you’ve had the chance to have a laugh.

Clever one-liners:

  1. I’d like to start with the chimney jokes. I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. ~Tim Vine
  2. Exit signs? They’re on the way out! ~Tim Vine
  3. I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. ~Milton Jones
  4. Conjunctivitis.com: that’s a site for sore eyes. ~Tim Vine
  5. Hedgehogs: Why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski
  6. My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. ~Sarah Millican
  7. The toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door. ~Bill Bailey
  8. I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~Ken Dodd
  9. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. ~Tom Ward
  10. My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off. ~Milton Jones
  11. My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter. ~Tim Vine
  12. The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. ~Demetri Martin
  13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. ~Tommy Cooper
  14. I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper. Dicing with death. ~Tim Vine
  15. It’s hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not. ~Milton Jones
  16. A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. ~Peter Kay
  17. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job; especially if you’ve got hayfever. ~Milton Jones
  18. Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” said the barman. ~Author Unknown
  19. You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee. ~Milton Jones
  20. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  21. This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’ ~Tim Vine
  22. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied: ‘Put some cold in then.’ – Harry Hill
  23. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess. ~Matt Kirshen
  24. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?” ~Author Unknown
  25. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’ ~Tim Vine

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed this post dear reader then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

22 Murrayisms to make Murray Walker fans smile

MurrayismsIf you’re wondering what Murrayisms are then perhaps you’re not familiar with the late, legendary, Formula One commentator Murray Walker.

Murrayisms were amusing, and often factually incorrect quips that Murray Walker would say as he got carried away by his own enthusiasm and excitement during an F1 race.

For motorsport fans everywhere, they added to the entertainment and endeared Murray to their hearts. His enthusiasm was genuinely infectious and the fans loved him for it.

Graeme Murray Walker OBE was a British motorsport commentator, journalist and former advertising executive. He provided television commentary of live Formula One racing in a broadcasting career spanning over 50 years. And his way with words helped to earn him his status as a national treasure in Britain.

So here are 22 Murrayisms for your pleasure and entertainment. Enjoy them all.

Murrayisms

Murrayisms (1 – 11):

  1. And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.
  2. Either the car is stationary, or it’s on the move.
  3. With half the race gone, there’s half the race still to go.
  4. There’s nothing wrong with the car except that it’s on fire.
  5. Anything can happen in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does.
  6. You might think that’s cricket and it’s not, it’s motor racing.
  7. That’s history. I say history because it happened in the past.
  8. I can’t believe what’s happening visually, in front of my eyes.
  9. He can’t decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.
  10. The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.
  11. If is a very long word in Formula One. In fact IF is F1 spelled backwards.

Murrayisms

Murrayisms (11 – 22):

  1. And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One racing.
  2. Motor racing can never be totally safe and it never should be in my opinion.
  3. I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable.
  4. I’ve not idea what Eddie Irvine’s orders are, but he’s following them superlatively well.
  5. I don’t make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.
  6. This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
  7. Well, now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.
  8. Schumacher wouldn’t have let him past voluntarily. Of course he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it.
  9. There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today and four of them are Michael Schumacher.
  10. Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium, and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world.
  11. Now he must not go the wrong way round the circuit, and unless he can spin himself stationary through 360 degrees I fail to see how he can avoid doing so.

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29 brilliant one-liner quotes that’ll make you smile

brilliant one-liner quotesI shared some brilliant one-liner quotes recently and the feedback from readers was very positive.

In fact, the feedback was so positive that I thought I’d share some more with you.

So here’s another batch from the collection in my journal.

I’m confident that this batch of brilliant one-liner quotes will have you smiling. So please take a few minutes to enjoy them all. And of course, have a great day.

Today’s brilliant one-liner quotes:

  1. 668 – The neighbour of the beast.
  2. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  3. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
  4. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
  5. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
  6. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  7. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  8. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
  9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which we’ll die.
  10. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  11. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
  12. Her silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
  13. Money’s not important but it’s up there with oxygen for sustaining life.
  14. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  15. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
  16. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give someone is a good, firm push.
  17. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
  18. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  19. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
  20. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  21. To err is human; to blame it on somebody else shows you have a talent for politics.
  22. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
  23. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
  24. Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are even stupider than that.
  25. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
  26. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  27. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  28. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
  29. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed this post dear reader then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

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