Witty One-liners

30 funny dating profile examples or how not to write one

funny-dating-profile-examplesIn days gone by the dating game was simple. You went to a dance on a Saturday night and, with a bit of luck, you met someone nice who was willing to see you again.

Obviously, the modern dating scene is very different. The age of the dating app makes the process difficult, insofar as you don’t get to meet someone unless they like what they see and what you have to say in your profile.

So you need a flattering photo, naturally, as well as a great sales pitch. And it really needs to be a sales pitch because you are actually trying to sell yourself to any potential dates who are checking out your profile.

A good sales pitch should highlight your unique selling proposition and the reasons why you’re a worthy date. Your words should be positive and scream “I’m a great catch, so grab me whilst I’m still available.” In short, your words should be a call to action.

Any decent salesperson could tell you this, so there’s nothing unique in what I’m saying here. You’d think it was obvious, wouldn’t you?

Following the close inspection of a few dating apps, I can tell you that there are plenty of people out there who haven’t helped themselves when they wrote their profiles.

However, whilst such people don’t necessarily do themselves any favours with their profiles, their words have the potential to make us all laugh.

So here are 30 funny dating profile examples that really made me smile. These are from real apps, albeit I wonder whether some were written tongue-in-cheek.

Funny dating profile examples (1-15):

  1. Miserable soul looking for love.
  2. Recovering alcoholic seeking soul mate.
  3. My life’s a car crash, can you make it better?
  4. I’ve just got the all-clear, so I’m ready for love again.
  5. Manic depressive looking for a nice girl to cheer him up.
  6. If you’ve got a fetish for body odour then I’m your man.
  7. I hate men but could you be the one to change my mind?
  8. So far, I’ve had 60 lovers at college, will you be my 61st?
  9. Looking for someone to pay my bills and take care of me.
  10. If you’ll be my meal ticket I’ll be your pampered princess.
  11. My relationships never work out but I’m willing to try again.
  12. Angry bitch looking for that special one to make his life hell.
  13. Don’t think of me as bald, think hairstyle that says minimalism.
  14. If you can handle a drama Queen then I could be the one for you.
  15. Served my sentence for assault and battery. Now looking for love.

Funny dating profile examples (16-30):

  1. If you’ll cook, clean and do my ironing then you’re the girl for me.
  2. I enjoy long walks and candlelit dinners and someone to pay the bill.
  3. Bad teeth, bad breath, body odour and acne but otherwise a great catch.
  4. Had my fun and I’ve got three kids to prove it. So what can you offer me?
  5. If you’re looking for a fixer-upper then I could be the challenge you need.
  6. As long as I always get my own way in every situation, I can be flexible.
  7. I hate everyone, so why should I like you? You’ll need a good story to tell.
  8. If you’re looking for a bird with a lot of troublesome baggage, then I’m your girl.
  9. My mother will always be my first priority but if that works for a girl like you, swipe right.
  10. If you’re looking for someone considerate, kind and caring then you’d better swipe left.
  11. I’ve got all the looks, charm and intelligence anyone could possibly want and I’m modest too.
  12. With three kids and one on the way, I’m looking for a father for them. Could you be the one?
  13. I can be difficult, jealous, sarcastic and moody. Could you be the one to make me happy?
  14. You could be my down-time, my spare-time, my part-time, and my sometime. Someone I turn to when I’ve nothing better to do.
  15. Bald man with no job, no money, no prospects and living with his parents is looking for a good woman with her own house and car. Could you be the one?

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny dating profile examples made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

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25 brilliant one-liner quotes guaranteed to raise a smile

Brilliant One Liner QuotesHere are 25 brilliant one-liner quotes guaranteed to raise a smile. I loved them all and I’m confident you will too. Enjoy!

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

  1. Everything’s difficult before it’s easy.
  2. I do all my own stunts but never intentionally.
  3. Don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
  4. Your secret’s safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
  5. If only we could invoice people for wasting our time.
  6. I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.
  7. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery.
  8. Sarcasm is just punching people in the face with words.
  9. The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.
  10. You never know what you’ve got until you clean your room.
  11. Be like the postage stamp. Stick to a thing until you get there.
  12. I intended to behave but there were so many other options.
  13. If Cinderella’s shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
  14. Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.
  15. Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
  16. Revenge sounds so mean. I prefer to call it returning the favour.
  17. They say nothing’s impossible but I’ve been doing nothing all day.
  18. I’m still waiting for the wisdom I was assured would come with age.
  19. If one door opens when another closes, your house is probably haunted.
  20. You know it’s time to move on when the best part of your job is a chair that swivels.
  21. If you want your children to listen to you, try talking in a very low voice to someone else.
  22. If you’re going to get into trouble for hitting someone, you might as well hit them hard.
  23. People who can’t find time for rest and recreation will be forced to make time for illness, sooner or later.
  24. All I’m saying officer is that if you caught me then you must have been speeding too and no one’s above the law.
  25. When you get angry take a deep breath and count to 10. Then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

Brilliant One Liner QuotesEnjoyed these one-liners? Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

33 amusing one-liners that’ll raise a smile or make you cringe

one-liners-1If you love amusing and witty one-liners then you might just enjoy today’s post.

There are 33 little gems here that should tickle you, a little at least.

Either that or they might just make you cringe.

Yes, it’s true, a few are corny. Nevertheless, I hope they give you a laugh.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Amusing One-liners (1-11):

  1. As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
  2. We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
  3. Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
  4. If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
  5. Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
  6. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  7. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
  8. I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
  9. If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
  10. What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
  11. Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

  1. Why was it so hot at the ballpark after the game? All the fans left.
  2. I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
  3. The perfect solution for keeping Brownies fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
  4. My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
  5. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
  6. I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
  7. When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
  8. I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
  9. Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
  10. I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
  11. Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.

one-liners-2Amusing One-liners (23-33):

  1. My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
  2. A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
  3. The sweater I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
  4. My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.
  5. I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
  6. A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
  7. My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
  8. There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
  9. I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!
  10. A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
  11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these one-liners amusing? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, just click on the links below.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

21 best puns ever and guaranteed to make you smile

Best-Puns-Ever-1I love wordplay, especially that form of wordplay that exploits multiple meanings of words for humorous effect.

I think clever puns are brilliant, which is why I’ve been searching the Internet for some of the best ones.

Here of 21 of the best puns I’ve found, so let me know what you think.

As always when searching the net for wit and wisdom, it’s difficult to confirm the original author. Should you be one of them dear reader then please let me know. That way I can give you full credit for your brilliance.

Best puns ever:

  1. How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
  2. I hate peer pressure and you should too.
  3. Ladies, if he doesn’t appreciate your fruit jokes, let that mango.
  4. I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
  5. I’m a born pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
  6. My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she’s a keeper.
  7. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where’s the bartender?”
  8. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  9. I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  10. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well, it’s just gathering dust.
  11. What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
  12. About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
  13. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  14. A cop knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes but my dogs don’t even own bikes.
  15. I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. That must be a milestone.
  16. To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing.
  17. This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that’s a nice Jester.
  18. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
  19. I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda then I realised it was just a Fanta sea.
  20. A wife shouted to her husband that moose were falling from the sky. No, it’s just reindeer, he responded.
  21. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns but I realized that toucan play at that game.

Best-Puns-Ever-2Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these the best puns ever? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

11 razor-sharp quotes from some of life’s greatest wits

11-Razor-Sharp-QuotesI love razor-sharp quotes, don’t you? I refer to those quotes that are both sharp and very funny when you give them just a little thought.

Whenever I come across a sharp and witty quote, I always make a note of it in my journal. And today, as I’ve been going through my journal, I’ve picked out 11 razor-sharp quotes that I think are funny and I thought you might enjoy them too, dear reader.

They definitely made me smile, so I hope they brighten your day too. Enjoy them all.

Razor-sharp quotes:

  1. Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you. ~Jeremy Clarkson
  2. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. ~Oscar Wilde 
  3. I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business, but I was in the top one. ~Brian Clough
  4. The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. ~Dorothy Parker
  5. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. ~WC Fields
  6. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~Spike Milligan
  7. He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. ~Winston Churchill
  8. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~Noel Coward
  9. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
  10. A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth. ~George Bernard Shaw
  11. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ~Mark Twain

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Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

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20 classic Elaine Benes quotes that’ll raise a smile or two

20-Elaine-Benes-quotesAnother offering in my series with the theme of memorable sitcom characters, today I thought it would be entertaining to take a look back at some classic Elaine Benes quotes.

Who can forget this brilliant character from the American sitcom Seinfeld, played by the hugely talented Julia Louis-Dreyfus?

Elaine was a woman holding her own in a man’s world. She was smart, funny and she brought a sparkle to the show. However, like all memorable sitcom characters, she was essentially a little flawed too, as you’ll appreciate from the quotes today.

If you love Seinfeld, I’m sure you will be a fan of Elaine Benes.

However, if you’re not old enough to remember Seinfeld and Elaine Benes, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom, and featuring the character Elaine Benes, on YouTube.

They’re all brilliant and definitely well worth a little piece of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 20 classic Elaine Benes quotes, which I’m confident will raise a smile or two, and will probably resonate with many female readers too, I’m sure.

Elaine Benes Quotes:

  1. I’m dead now. Gotta go! ~ Elaine Benes
  2. I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian. ~ Elaine Benes
  3. Some people should just give up. I have. ~ Elaine Benes
  4. I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie. ~ Elaine Benes
  5. We just tease someone ’til they develop an eating disorder. ~ Elaine Benes
  6. I had to take a sick day. I’m so sick of these people. ~ Elaine Benes
  7. He’s a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts. ~ Elaine Benes
  8. Well, that’s the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight. ~ Elaine Benes
  9. I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He’s a re-gifter! ~ Elaine Benes
  10. You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn’t necessarily make you a homosexual. ~ Elaine Benes
  11. I can’t do this anymore, it’s too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die! ~ Elaine Benes
  12. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t break up nicely. I mean, to me, that’s one of the most important parts of a relationship. ~ Elaine Benes
  13. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there’s even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off. ~ Elaine Benes
  14. Here’s to those who wish us well, and those who don’t can go to Hell. ~ Elaine Benes
  15. I mean the problem is that the good ones know they’re good. And they know they’re in such demand they’re just not interested in confining themselves to one person. ~ Elaine Benes
  16. That’s the bra I gave her, she’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society. ~ Elaine Benes
  17. Kramer, you don’t understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand. ~ Elaine Benes
  18. You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it. ~ Elaine Benes
  19. Yeah, since she met him she’s been vomited on, her family cabin’s been burned down, she learned her father’s a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going. ~ Elaine Benes
  20. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here’s the one thing you’ve gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it’s over. I mean, something happens to their personality; it’s really quite astounding. It’s like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there. ~ Elaine Benes

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Did you find these classic Elaine Benes quotes amusing dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

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Thank you.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

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15 amusing quotes by Spike Milligan to make you smile

I love to read amusing quotes by Spike Milligan. He was undoubtedly a man with a funny bone.

In case you’re not familiar with his name, Spike Milligan was a funny, irreverent and much-loved comedian and staple of British television and radio for many years in the post-war era and right up until his death in 2002.

Born Terence Alan Milligan in India, he was the son of a British Army Captain of Irish descent and an English mother.

In addition to being a wonderful comic performer, probably best known for his work with the Goon Show, he was also a successful writer, poet, playwright and actor.

Though he spent much of his early life in India, the majority of his adult life was spent in the United Kingdom.

However, when the Commonwealth Immigrants Act removed Indian-born Milligan’s automatic right to British citizenship in 1962, despite his own service in the British Army as well as his father’s, he became an Irish citizen, exercising a right conferred through his Irish-born father.

I think he was a genuinely funny man and to prove it, here are 15 of his razor-sharp quips. Enjoy them all.

Quotes by Spike Milligan:

  1. All men are cremated equal. ~Spike Milligan
  2. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. ~Spike Milligan
  3. I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. ~Spike Milligan
  4. Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? ~Spike Milligan
  5. Money couldn’t buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy. ~Spike Milligan
  6. I’m a hero with coward’s legs. ~Spike Milligan
  7. How long was I in the army? Five-foot eleven. ~Spike Milligan
  8. I turned and rubbed my hands with glee. I always keep a tin of glee handy. ~Spike Milligan
  9. I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Spike Milligan
  10. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~Spike Milligan
  11. Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death. ~Spike Milligan
  12. I can speak Esperanto like a native. ~Spike Milligan
  13. A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherd’s Bush. ~Spike Milligan
  14. A family man from Siberia; As a father was very inferior; But one operation; Revised the situation; And now he’s Mother Superior. ~Spike Milligan
  15. And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. ~Spike Milligan

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Did you find these quotes by Spike Milligan amusing?

You did? I hope so anyway.

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Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

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21 brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and very witty

brilliant-one-liner-quotesIf you’re looking for some brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and witty then today I’ve got 21 of them for you.

They are made me smile and I hope at least a few of them will make you smile too.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

  1. I did have a handle on life, but it’s broken.
  2. No, I can’t offer you a solution, but I can offer a sarcastic remark.
  3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
  4. I don’t like jokes about the unemployed because none of them works.
  5. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
  6. Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they’re getting.
  7. Do people really practise yoga every day? It sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
  8. If you think television can insult your intelligence, nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  9. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  10. Letting go of a loved one is hard unless you’re trying to survive a rock climbing accident.
  11. Have you heard about the new game for Generation Z kids’? It’s called ‘I spy with my little iPhone’.
  12. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  13. Worrying can solve your problems. I know because 99 per cent of the things I worry about never happen.
  14. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  15. I was knocked off the donkey I was riding when someone threw a rock at me. I was literally stoned off my ass.
  16. You might be tempted to fight fire with fire, but you should remember this, the fire department prefers to use water.
  17. If you give a man a fish you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
  18. I’m told money can’t buy me happiness but, surely being miserable in a Mercedes beats being miserable on the bus?
  19. So what, if the early bird gets the worm? It’s better to be the second mouse and get the cheese. Worm or cheese? No contest!
  20. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of Jack Daniel’s. The bartender said, ‘I’m sorry buddy but we don’t serve spirits in here.’
  21. If you want proof that light travels faster than sound, you only have to look at people who appear bright until they open their mouths.

brilliant-one-liner-quotes-2Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these brilliant one-liner quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

90 funny anniversary quotes for that special someone

funny-anniversary-quotes-3Looking for some funny anniversary quotes, dear reader? A message you can use when you need to say something witty to that special couple or a loved one?

Well, today I’ve put together 90 amusing messages that I hope you’ll find useful, as well as make you smile.

Enjoy them all and feel free to use them when the need arises. And if you like them, please pass them on.

Funny anniversary quotes:

1. Funny anniversary quotes for couples:

  1. Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.
  2. How you two are still married is one of life’s great mysteries.
  3. If love is an amazing dream, then marriage is the alarm clock.
  4. Imagine how different your lives would be if you hadn’t swiped right.
  5. A good marriage is one where each partner secretly believes the other got the better deal.
  6. A good marriage is like a casserole. Only those responsible for it really know what goes into it.
  7. Marriage is a relationship in which one is always right and the other is the husband. Happy Anniversary.
  8. Well, you’ve made it through another year without one of you either ending up dead or in jail. That’s got to be a win.
  9. Today you celebrate a decision you made long ago. Whether good or bad, decisions are always worth celebrating.
  10. A wedding anniversary is a celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies depending on the year.

2. Funny anniversary quotes for wife:

  1. Today we celebrate the best decision you ever made. Happy Anniversary!
  2. I never knew what happiness was until I married you. By then it was too late.
  3. It’s pretty cool that we’ve been together for however long we’ve been together.
  4. Marriage is just a prison sentence without any prospect of time off for good behaviour.
  5. They say don’t fall in love because it hurts. Well, you’ve proved it’s a risk worth taking.
  6. That we were brought together as a couple surely proves that God has a sense of humour.
  7. Today is a celebration of the day you gave up on finding anyone better than me. It was an impossible task anyway.
  8. Today’s our anniversary. Certainly, you deserve a trophy for putting up with me, but surely I deserve one too for remembering the date?
  9. Our anniversary reminds me that it’s possible for tolerance to triumph over adversity. Who knows how but we’ve definitely proved it’s possible.
  10. You’re the blueberry to my muffin and the sizzle to my steak. With you, the years of wedded bliss have been a piece of cake. I love you always.

3. Funny anniversary quotes for husband:

  1. Another year as my husband. Aren’t you a lucky man?
  2. Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.
  3. You know there’s a name for someone who’s always wrong and that name is husband.
  4. Happy Anniversary. We’ve been through a lot together and most of it was your fault.
  5. Everyone should have a husband like you. I don’t see why I should be the only one to suffer.
  6. I still get that funny feeling in my tummy after all these years. When will I learn not to let you do the cooking?
  7. I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible. But I want to spend every irritating minute with you, even when you fart in bed.
  8. Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember that I put up with you too. So I guess we’re even.
  9. On our anniversary, I want you to know how much fun it’s been annoying you all these years and how much fun it will be to keep on doing so in the years ahead.
  10. RULES FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE; Rule 1: Your wife’s always right; and Rule 2: When you think she’s wrong, slap yourself and read Rule 1 again.

funny-anniversary-quotes-44. Funny anniversary quotes for friends:

  1. One year down and a lifetime to go. Enjoy the crazy ride.
  2. The secret of a happy marriage? Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; and whenever you’re right, shut up
  3. Your relationship works well because of the equal division of labour. He’s the boss and she makes all the decisions.
  4. There are no guarantees when it comes to marriage. If it was a guarantee you wanted, you should have bought a toaster.
  5. When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. That tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
  6. Forever is a long time, so buckle up and enjoy the ride. Marriage is never easy but it can be worth the effort, says the friend who’s not married.
  7. A cynic might describe marriage as sacrificing the admiration of many for the constant criticism of one. But hey, I’m not a cynic. Happy Anniversary.
  8. Wedding anniversaries are a time of reflection. People consider what it was they did before they were married. Well, if you’ve forgotten, it was anything you wanted to.
  9. When you get to the end of your lives together, none of the possessions you had will matter at all. What will matter is that you managed to put up with each other for so long.
  10. Surely the secret of a happy marriage is date nights. For him on Tuesdays and Thursdays. For her on Wednesdays and Fridays.

5. Funny anniversary quotes for parents:

  1. Here’s to another year of love, laughter and putting up your kids.
  2. Marriage lets you annoy that one special person for the rest of your life.
  3. They say that being married is really something. Then again, so is a tea cosy.
  4. Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.
  5. Without the two of you, where would I be? Well, I guess I wouldn’t be anywhere at all.
  6. You’ve unlocked the secret to a happy marriage when most people can’t even find the key.
  7. You’ll never be a dull and boring married couple as long as you have kids as cool as we are. Happy anniversary Mom and Dad.
  8. Being a mom and dad is a tough gig. You have to put up with each other and then you have to put up with me too. That’s got to be love.
  9. They say that the longer parents stay together, the more they look like each other. Well, remember, I’ll be embarrassed if you grow matching beards.
  10. A wedding ring may be like handcuffs from which you can’t escape but it’s nothing in comparison to having your own children. Mom and Dad, we love you.

6. Funny anniversary quotes for daughter and son-in-law:

  1. Amazing! You’ve survived another year. Well done and happy anniversary.
  2. Your wedding day is just a memory now. Well, it would be, if we weren’t still paying for it. Happy Anniversary
  3. We hope your married life is proving to be just like ours. Why should we be the only ones to have suffered? Happy Anniversary
  4. Some people spend their lives on nothing but hedonistic pleasure, whilst others just get married instead. Happy Anniversary
  5. Happily married are just two simple words that are usually mutually exclusive. We hope you’re the exception to prove the rule.
  6. Remember, if you want your marriage to last, the only time you should shout at each other is when the house is on fire. Happy Anniversary
  7. We didn’t think it would last and no one’s more surprised than we are that it has, but we’re very happy for you both nevertheless. Happy Anniversary
  8. There’s nothing like a perfect marriage. There’s no such thing. However, we hope yours is as close to perfection as possible. Happy Anniversary
  9. They say that marriage is a challenging commitment. Well, now you know what taking on a challenging commitment really means. Happy Anniversary
  10. An anniversary should be a joyful celebration, rather than an opportunity to reflect on what might have been. To be glad you did, rather than wish you didn’t. It all comes down to how you choose to see it. See it positively. Happy Anniversary

funny-anniversary-quotes-57. Funny anniversary quotes for son and daughter-in-law:

  1. Congratulations on another year together. It’s not easy but it’s not meant to be. One day you’ll look back and laugh about the experience.
  2. It’s remarkable how you manage to tolerate each other but you do, so best wishes on chalking up another year. Happy Anniversary
  3. Dearest daughter-in-law, how you managed to civilise him we’ll never know but we’re so grateful you did. Happy Anniversary
  4. How can any couple be so happy? It really is a puzzle. Then again, perhaps all is not what it appears to be. Happy Anniversary
  5. Dear daughter-in-law, should you need a good laugh, you only have to look at our son. He’s enough to make anyone smile. Happy Anniversary
  6. Blessings are sent to let you know you’re loved and remembered on this very special day. The anniversary of the day our lives were made so much easier.
  7. Dear daughter-in-law, we prayed our son would find someone like you. A woman with the ability to put up with even the most challenging man.
  8. On your wedding anniversary, dearest daughter-in-law, thank you for making an honest man out of him. That in itself is a considerable achievement.
  9. Anniversaries are a sobering reminder that you’re stuck with each other for life. Either that or an expensive divorce. Either way, it’ll be costly.
  10. Dear daughter-in-law, he’s the wind beneath your duvet. So, if you want a happy marriage, you’d better not feed him beans.

8. Funny anniversary quotes for girlfriend:

  1. You must be a soccer player because you’re definitely a keeper.
  2. You’ll never find the perfect man, so I hope you’ll stick with me.
  3. Last year was difficult, so I’m hoping you won’t make this one quite as bad.
  4. I’m so glad I asked you out when I did. I was surprised you agreed but I love being part of your life. Happy Anniversary!
  5. I love the way you’re always laughing but then again, I guess I’m always giving you so much to laugh about.
  6. With me, what you see is what you get. I know that’s been a disappointment for you but I’m glad you’ve stuck with me anyway.
  7. I was lucky to meet a girl like you and one who overlooks my imperfections. It helps that you’re so short-sighted but thank you anyway.
  8. It’s true, I forget to tell you how much I appreciate all the things you do for me, but I know I can always count on you being there to remind me.
  9. Since we met, things have kept coming at me constantly from left and right. However, I believe you’ll keep your promise to stop throwing things at me.
  10. Darling, I want you to know that I’d climb the mountains, trek through frozen tundra, and swim the oceans just to get close to you. However, I’d really appreciate it if you’d just take my word for it.

funny-anniversary-quotes-69. Funny anniversary quotes for boyfriend:

  1. It’s our anniversary, so congratulations! I can still tolerate you!
  2. If you were a triangle, you’d be an acute one! Happy Anniversary!
  3. Just remember that I’m always right, and we’ll always get along fine!
  4. Sometimes you make me madder than hell, and I’m sure you never know why. It’s your most endearing quality and I love you for it.
  5. I love being with you. Then again, I’m not that fussy, so I’d be happy with anyone really.
  6. It would be hard to picture a life without you. I mean who would pay the mortgage?
  7. I thought that maybe something was missing from my life until I met you. Now I’m sure of it.
  8. I hoped I’d meet Prince Charming one day. However it seems Prince Charming is in high demand, so I guess I’ll have to make do with you.
  9. You came into my life and made all my dreams come true. You’re probably still wondering what you’ve done to deserve such a punishment.
  10. Ever since we first met, you’ve changed my life in more ways than I can count. Then again, I was never very good at counting.

Happy-Wedding-Anniversary-QuotesPlease share this post with your friends:

Did any of these funny anniversary quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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60 witty one-liners on attitude to make you smile

60-witty-one-liners-on-attitudeIf you’re looking for some witty one-liners on attitude then I’m confident that you might enjoy a few of these here.

Attitude is a little world that has a big impact on all our lives. A positive attitude beats a negative one if your aim is to get along with other people. However, sometimes you have to put on your crown and let other people know who is King or Queen. It doesn’t do to be too agreeable, in my experience. As with all things in life, some balance is essential.

So take five minutes to enjoy these witty one-liners and then please feel free to pass them on.

Witty one-liners on attitude (1-15):

  1. I’m too glam to give a damn!
  2. Life? Don’t talk to me about life!
  3. It’s my life, so I’ll live it my way.
  4. Well, this is not the life I had in mind.
  5. I’m so poor, I can’t even pay attention.
  6. An ounce of action beats a ton of theory.
  7. Life would be tragic if it wasn’t so funny.
  8. I’m not special but I am a limited edition.
  9. I’m me. If that’s a problem for you, tough!
  10. Haters beware. You’re my biggest motivator.
  11. What you think is what you think. Who cares?
  12. Nothing is interesting if you’re not interested.
  13. A bad experience is not the same as a bad life.
  14. If winning isn’t everything, why do we keep score?
  15. Life’s like ice cream. To be enjoyed before it melts.

Witty one-liners on attitude (16-30):

  1. Which part of I DON’T CARE don’t you understand?
  2. Is it just me or is the world run by complete idiots?
  3. Life’s far too short to be drinking poor quality wine.
  4. Fight the system by all means but it will always win.
  5. Don’t take life too seriously. You won’t get out alive.
  6. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  7. Life’s a bitch and then you die. That’s all there is to it.
  8. If it wasn’t for my dog, no one would understand me.
  9. Be like a stamp. Stick to your goal until you get there.
  10. If you think I’m irritating now, wait till you see my bad side.
  11. I could give up every vice, but would life still be worth living?
  12. I don’t need your attitude. I’ve got one of my own, thank you.
  13. Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
  14. Just because it matters to you, don’t assume it matters to me too.
  15. You may disapprove of my choices but who are you to judge anyway?

witty one-liners on attitudeWitty one-liners on attitude (31-45):

  1. Follow your heart but make sure you take your brain with you.
  2. My goal this year was to lose 10 pounds. I’ve just got 13 to go now.
  3. Only those who really care about you can hear you when you’re quiet.
  4. I thought I’d found the key to success, but someone’s changed the lock.
  5. People don’t necessarily change. Sometimes it’s just their mask slipping.
  6. Growing up, did anyone dream of becoming a Health & Safety Inspector?
  7. If you think I’m sarcastic, it’s a good job you never hear what I don’t say.
  8. Minds are like parachutes. They can only function properly if they’re open.
  9. If you don’t know how to thank me, I can tell you now, money works best.
  10. Some people say that nothing’s impossible and yet, I do nothing every day.
  11. The problem’s not the problem. The problem’s your attitude to the problem.
  12. If you have an opinion about my attitude, raise your hand. Now put it in your mouth.
  13. Don’t mistake my efficiency for any desire you think I may have to do your job too.
  14. Yesterday I did nothing and today, I need to finish what I was doing yesterday.
  15. If a woman says to a man, “Do what you want,” the man would be unwise to follow her advice.

Witty one-liners on attitude (45-60):

  1. If you’re caught doing something you shouldn’t have been doing, then just act daft.
  2. Regardless of what you may think, I wasn’t put on this earth just to make you happy.
  3. You may think you’re important but that doesn’t mean everyone else agrees with you.
  4. I thought my mood couldn’t get any worse today, and then my boss gave me more work.
  5. Why is it that when the only tool I have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail?
  6. Happiness is when you marry for love and then you realise they’ve got loads of money too.
  7. Being powerful is like being a gentleman, if you have to tell people you are then you aren’t.
  8. I don’t hate you. I’d unplug your life support to recharge my phone but I don’t hate you.
  9. If you’re wondering whether I’m free tomorrow, I’ll tell you now I’m likely to be very expensive.
  10. Work hard eight hours a day and, one day, you could be the boss working twelve hours a day.
  11. This morning I was told to check my attitude. I have and it’s still there. So, what’s the problem?
  12. Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality depends on me. My attitude depends on you.
  13. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude but I fail to see why that’s my problem.
  14. A positive attitude will not solve every problem but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
  15. I didn’t realise how rough my neighbourhood was until I bought an advent calendar and half the windows were boarded up.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these witty one-liners on attitude make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.