Witty One-liners

25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up

jokes-to-cheer-someone-upToday I offer you 25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up. If you know someone in serious need of a smile or two then some of these might just make them laugh.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all and then pick the best ones and see if you can get a good laugh from your friends.

Even if it’s only a groan you get in return, it will probably lift peoples’ spirits, at the very least.

Jokes to cheer someone up: (1 – 12)

  1. If at first you don’t succeed then don’t try skydiving.
  2. If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?
  3. I never like taking selfies of myself in the shower. The photos turn out blurry and I have selfie steam issues.
  4. You should keep your voice down in cornfields because there are so many ears.
  5. I used to be a watchmaker. I loved the job because I made my own hours.
  6. If your guy doesn’t like fresh fruit puns, let the mango.
  7. I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.
  8. Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen.
  9. I tried the Vegan diet for a week but it was a huge miss steak.
  10. Apparently you can’t use BEEFSTEW as a password because it’s not Stroganoff.
  11. I was listening to classical music on the television but it wasn’t to my taste. Far too much sax and violins.
  12. Did you hear about the watchmaker who became a gardener? He ended up with too much thyme on his hands.

Jokes to cheer someone up: (13 – 25)

  1. I made a movie about diarrhoea. It’s been released everywhere.
  2. Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars were all in the same bar. They didn’t planet that way.
  3. You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish. Unless you play bass, then you can play all the scales.
  4. So many people are anti-vaccination but I think they should give it a shot.
  5. I saw an advert in the newspaper for burial plots. I thought that’s the last thing I need.
  6. My girlfriend bet me $100 that I couldn’t build a car from spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
  7. I went to Mount Rushmore and I was probably the only visitor unimpressed. I just took it for granite.
  8. Can someone recommend a better way of clearing frost from my windshield? I used a discount card but I only got 20% off.
  9. My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl. “I didn’t know he could!” was my reply.
  10. A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun. I was told that he’s fully recovered now.
  11. My wife’s in hospital after eating a daffodil bulb. She’ll be out in the spring.
  12. Lance is no longer a common name but in medieval times, men were named Lance a lot.
  13. There’s a new GPS device designed for seniors. It tells you how to get where you want to go and then reminds you why you wanted to go there.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2022. All Rights Reserved.

21 Extracts from funny complaints letters to make you smile

funny-complaints-lettersUnfortunate but true, people living in social housing tend to be at the lower end of the socio-economic scale. They often have limited education, so tend to be less articulate as well. The result for local councils can be some very funny complaints letters at times.

In Britain, local councils are the focal point for the provision of social housing, and they are the main recipients for what frequently turn out to be some funny complaints letters.

To illustrate my point, here are some extracts from funny complaints letters sent to local councils in Britain. All very innocent remarks, of course, but I’m sure the housing officers receiving these letters couldn’t resist a chuckle or two.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

Funny complaints letters (1-10):

  1. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
  2. It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
  3. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  4. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
  5. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
  6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
  7. Their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
  8. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
  9. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.
  10. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

Funny complaints letters (11-21):

  1. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
  2. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
  3. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it’s a funny colour and not fit to drink.
  4. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  5. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
  6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
  7. The next-door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
  8. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
  9. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
  10. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
  11. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Funny Complaints LettersPlease share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these funny complaints letters? Were they are funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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15 quotes by Lily Tomlin that are sharp and witty

Quotes-by-Lily-TomlinOne of the greatest American comic personalities has to be Lily Tomlin in my opinion.

Born Mary Jean Tomlin in 1939, I think she’s up there with the very best female comedians like Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller and could give any of America’s funny men a serious run for their money too.

She is in fact an actress, comedian, writer, singer and producer and has had a successful career stretching back to the 1960s.

Here are 15 quotes by Lily Tomlin to underline my point.

Quotes by Lily Tomlin:

  1. We are all in this together, by ourselves. ~Lily Tomlin
  2. The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin
  3. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin
  4. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. ~Lily Tomlin
  5. I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. ~Lily Tomlin
  6. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. ~Lily Tomlin
  7. Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest then we can all die laughing. ~Lily Tomlin
  8. Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. ~Lily Tomlin
  9. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. ~Lily Tomlin
  10. The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~Lily Tomlin
  11. We’re all in this alone. ~Lily Tomlin
  12. I guess if people couldn’t profit from war I don’t think there would be war. ~Lily Tomlin
  13. Ninety-eight per cent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two per cent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. ~Lily Tomlin
  14. When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime, and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. ~Lily Tomlin
  15. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ~Lily Tomlin

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You did? I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful. Thank you.

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60 British insults for getting your message across

British-InsultsWhen it comes to insults the British certainly can have a clever turn of phrase. Well, I think so but then again I am British, so perhaps I’m a little bit biased. Therefore allow me to offer you 60 British insults to prove my point.

All of these clever comebacks made me smile and I hope you’ll enjoy at least some of them too.

So take a few minutes to appreciate the British sense of humour and please feel free to pass them on.

British insults (1-20):

  1. Get lost!
  2. You stink!
  3. You wazzock!
  4. A pox on you.
  5. Do one, tosser!
  6. You gormless git!
  7. You silly plonker!
  8. Shove it up your ass!
  9. You pointless prick!
  10. Just get out of my sight.
  11. You’re as daft as a brush.
  12. You sir are a waste of space.
  13. You’re an absolute doorknob.
  14. You’re as mad as a box of frogs.
  15. You’re a sandwich short of a picnic.
  16. Watch where you’re going, dipstick!
  17. You corrosive lump of faecal horror.
  18. You have a mouth like a torn pocket.
  19. Pigs in a sty smell better than you do.
  20. You’re a waste of the air you breathe.

British insults (21-40):

  1. You look ill. Should I call a vet for you?
  2. Wow, you’ve got a great face, for radio!
  3. Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
  4. Nice hair. Does it grow all over your back?
  5. You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
  6. Do you have anything edible on the menu?
  7. Is it normal to foam at the mouth like that?
  8. You’ve got a face like a bag of smashed crabs.
  9. Boy, you’ve been whacked with the ugly stick!
  10. Is that rotting flesh or your armpits I can smell?
  11. You’ve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
  12. You add less value than the excrement on my shoe.
  13. Do that again and I’ll have your guts for garters.
  14. You don’t have to be a complete tosser all your life.
  15. You’re so obnoxious, how do you live with yourself?
  16. Where I come from we walk the family pet not eat it.
  17. I’m guessing they don’t sell deodorant where you live.
  18. Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
  19. I’d call you a whore but that would be unfair to whores.
  20. I don’t hate you but may your death be slow and painful.

British insults (41-60):

  1. British-InsultsPerhaps it might just be a ‘You’ problem?
  2. Only a complete slimeball would think that’s acceptable.
  3. Yes, I’d love to meet your parents. When does the zoo open?
  4. Well, aren’t you a little bundle of something quite unpleasant.
  5. Yes, I’m drunk but tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
  6. What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face like a melted welly.
  7. Everyone has the right to be ugly but you’re abusing that privilege.
  8. If you really must smile it would be better if you visited a dentist first.
  9. Call me unworldly if you must, but do women normally have hair there?
  10. With a menu as bad as this I won’t have any problem sticking to my diet.
  11. I wouldn’t call you ugly but you’ve got a face like a blind cobbler’s thumb.
  12. I think you’re brave in showing your face in public, without a bag covering it.
  13. What’s wrong with you? You’re walking like your ass is chewing a toffee.
  14. I’m guessing fornication with your siblings eliminates your need for dating apps
  15. I’d call you ugly but that doesn’t quite say what a truly unpleasant sight you are.
  16. I must have done something terrible in another life to deserve a mingebag like you?
  17. People say you’re a bit of a spanner but in my experience, you’re more the full toolkit.
  18. If you could just listen to yourself for a minute you’d realize your opinion is ridiculous.
  19. Could I borrow a hosepipe, please? You look like you’re in need of some colonic irrigation.
  20. I know I asked for a rare steak but a good vet could have this one back on its feet in an instant.

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People really do enjoy British insults, so please share this post now.

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Thank you.

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25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

witty-one-liner-jokesIn need of being cheered up a little dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile?

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but should you know then do let me know. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes:

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.
  11. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  12. I’ve no idea why but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  13. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  14. Leave them wanting more is always great advice, unless you work in disaster relief.
  15. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  16. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccoughs.
  17. If we should never eat late at night then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  18. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  19. I read in the newspaper that a semi-colon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  20. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat, I’m living on the wrong planet.
  21. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  22. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  23. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves, and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  24. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  25. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it? Did any of these witty one-liner jokes make you smile?

If you did enjoy this article then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy witty one-liner jokes, so please share this post now.

If you could share this post then I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2022. All Rights Reserved.

30 silliest Christmas cracker jokes, so bad they’re funny

Christmas-cracker-jokesDear reader, do you enjoy Christmas cracker jokes? Those corny jokes and puns you look for, having pulled your Christmas cracker?

I must confess, I love them and I’ve collected 30 of the best ones here in the hope that you might find them amusing.

Whether Christmas is an occasion you celebrate or not, I do hope one or two of these silly jokes will make you smile.

Christmas cracker jokes (1-15):

  1. What is white and minty? A polo bear!
  2. When is a boat just like snow? When it’s adrift.
  3. What goes Ho, Ho, Ho, thump? Santa laughing his head off.
  4. How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle!
  5. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph!
  6. What did Santa say to his wife? It’s going to reindeer!
  7. Why did Santa go to the doctor? Because of his bad elf.
  8. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis!
  9. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!
  10. What does Miley Cyrus prefer for Christmas dinner? Twerky!
  11. What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate Clauses!
  12. What is Santa’s favourite place to deliver presents? Idaho-ho-ho!
  13. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!
  14. What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”
  15. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker!

Christmas cracker jokes (16-30):

  1. Why did Santa’s little helper lack confidence? Because he had low elf esteem!
  2. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus!
  3. What do you call Santa when he forgets to wear his underpants? Saint Knickerless!
  4. Why did the turkey cross the road? Because it was the chicken’s day off!
  5. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
  6. What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
  7. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
  8. Why was the snowman rummaging in a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.
  9. Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer!
  10. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he had nobody to go with!
  11. What do you get when you cross a pine cone and a polar bear? A fur tree!
  12. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
  13. How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh-in a manger!
  14. What did Mrs Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up at the sky on the night of Christmas Eve? Looks like rain, dear!
  15. Why did Santa say that sprouts shouldn’t be our vegetable of choice on Christmas Day? All he was sayin’ was give peas a chance!

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Christmas-cracker-jokesSo dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it? Did any of the Christmas cracker jokes make you smile?

If you did enjoy this article then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy groaning at Christmas cracker jokes, so please share this post now.

If you could share this post then I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

And before I go, allow me to offer my best wishes to everyone celebrating Christmas today. I hope your Christmas is filled with the love of family and friends.

And for those for whom today is just another working day, I hope wherever you are, that your life is peaceful, safe and prosperous and I hope 2022 proves to be all you’d like it to be.

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Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

21-brilliant-one-linersWhenever I share funny one-liners with readers, the posts are always popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one-liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you dear reader.

Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 21 brilliant one-liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all Author Unknown.

However, I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able to enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime, I hope these 21 brilliant one-liners will brighten your day.

Brilliant one-liners:

  1. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  2. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  3. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  4. Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  5. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  6. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
  7. I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  8. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  9. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  10. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  11. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  12. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  13. A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
  14. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  15. Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
  16. I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
  17. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  18. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  19. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
  20. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
  21. I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

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21-brilliant-one-linersIf you enjoyed these brilliant one-liners dear reader then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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25 funny facts to entertain and amuse you

funny-factsIf you want to amaze people with the variety and depth of your knowledge then it’s always useful to have a few weird and funny facts at your disposal.

So here are 25 funny facts to entertain and amuse you. I found them all fascinating and I hope you do too, dear reader.

See how many of these facts you can work into your conversations today.

Funny Facts:

  1. China has censored their word for censorship.
  2. Cows moo with regional accents.
  3. The female lion does 90% of the hunting.
  4. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  5. Over 75% of people who read Fact No 4 will then try to lick their elbow.
  6. 50% of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.
  7. Dolly Parton once lost out to a drag queen in a Dolly Parton look-alike contest.
  8. The blob of toothpaste you put on your toothbrush is called a nurdle.
  9. Putting in a vase will make flowers stand up straight for a week beyond when they would normally wilt.
  10. One-quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.
  11. A man once wore 60 shirts and nine pairs of jeans on a flight from China to Africa to avoid paying for excess baggage at check-in. 
  12. There’s a village in Norway called Hell and it freezes over every winter.
  13. It would take 76 workdays to read every online privacy policy we agree to in an average year.
  14. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
  15. In an average lifetime, while sleeping, people will eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
  16. 27% of all food produced in Western nations ends up in garbage cans.
  17. If you went out into space, you’d explode before you’d suffocate because there’s no air pressure.
  18. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
  19. A chip of silicon a quarter-inch square has the capacity of the original 1945 ENIAC computer, which occupied an entire city block.
  20. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
  21. You can tell the sex of a horse by its teeth. Most males have 40, whilst females have 36.
  22. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, then you’d have $1.19. You’d also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
  23. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
  24. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people
  25. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a Friday the 13th.

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15 witty quotes by Joan Rivers to raise a smile

Joan-RiversTo comedy lovers everywhere the late Joan Alexandra Molinsky is better known as the legendary Joan Rivers.

Razor-sharp and very funny, Joan Rivers was arguably one the finest American stand-up comedians of all time in what was probably the golden age of light entertainment.

By the strength of her personality, she managed to succeed in an age when it was even tougher for a woman to get a break in an industry dominated by powerful men. In that, she remains a role model for women everywhere.

Joan Rivers pioneered her own brand of irreverent, unconventional comedy and her relentless work ethic allowed her comedy to evolve and her audiences continued to grow. She was a remarkable lady and one who always made me laugh.

Here are 15 witty quotes by Joan Rivers, which will make you smile I’m sure.

Quotes by Joan Rivers (1-10):

  1. I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. ~Joan Rivers
  2. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. ~Joan Rivers
  3. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. ~Joan Rivers
  4. Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. ~Joan Rivers
  5. There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. ~Joan Rivers
  6. Never floss with a stranger. ~Joan Rivers
  7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately, my stomach covers them. ~Joan Rivers
  8. I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny. ~Joan Rivers
  9. We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us. ~Joan Rivers
  10. People say that money is not the key to happiness but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ~Joan Rivers

Joan-RiversQuotes by Joan Rivers (1-10):

  1. I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor. ~Joan Rivers
  2. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. ~Joan Rivers
  3. Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube. ~Joan Rivers
  4. I never dwell on what happened. You can’t change it. Move forward. Don’t waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Done. Move forward. ~Joan Rivers
  5. I walk on a stage, and I know if it’s been a good show or not. You know when it’s been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it’s a good show. And you know when you’ve messed up. ~Joan Rivers

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21 funny quotes about life that’ll make you smile

funny-quotes-about-lifeLife doesn’t come with a guarantee.

It is what it is and we get out of it about as much as we are prepared to put in.

Some people are lucky and others are less so. And we can’t be certain of anything, other than death and taxes.

It’s a funny old world when you think about it and the experience of human existence can be a little bizarre at times too.

So today I offer you 21 funny quotes about life to emphasize the point and hopefully make you smile too.

Yes, life’s hard and for many people, it’s extremely tough.

Life can be cruel for many people but for the lucky ones it can be a joy. So if you’re one of the lucky ones then embrace life and all the challenges it puts in your path. Through those challenges, you will grow.

However, don’t take yourself too seriously because no one else does.

Just learn to smile and appreciate whatever is good in your life.

Chase success by all means but don’t expect any certainties. Just enjoy whatever comes your way.

Finally, remember this; you will make mistakes. So what? Everyone else does too.

Just learn from any mistakes you make and move on.

Nothing matters much when you think about it.

However, laughing at yourself and life is probably the most important coping tool you’ll have at your disposal. So start by laughing at these funny quotes about life.

Sadly I cannot be sure of their origins, so for the moment anyway they are all by Authors Unknown.

However, if you can enlighten me as to their origins then please do. I am very keen to acknowledge the work of others whenever possible.

Funny quotes about life (1-10):

  1. Only the mediocre are always at their best.
  2. If only common sense were more common.
  3. What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.
  4. Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer.
  5. I really should do something with my life; maybe tomorrow.
  6. I didn’t fall; I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.
  7. Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
  8. I’m old enough to know better but young enough to do it anyway.
  9. Life doesn’t have any hands but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.
  10. If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.

funny-quotes-about-lifeFunny quotes about life (11-21):

  1. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
  2. Sorry, I didn’t pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone.
  3. Long walks are great, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
  4. We all have baggage; find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.
  5. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest, I would miss you so much.
  6. Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.
  7. When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
  8. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life’s given them vodka, and have a party.
  9. I love to be around some people; I love to stay away from others, and some I’d just love to punch right in the face!
  10. The alphabet begins with ABC; numbers begin with 123; music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me.
  11. Taking a shower is awesome; it makes you feel nice and clean; makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life’s decisions.

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Did any of them make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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