25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

witty one-liner jokesIn need of being cheered up a little dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile?

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but should you know then do let me know. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes:

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.
  11. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  12. I’ve no idea why but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  13. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  14. Leave them wanting more is always great advice, unless you work in disaster relief.
  15. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  16. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccoughs.
  17. If we should never eat late at night then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  18. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  19. I read in the newspaper that a semi-colon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  20. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat, I’m living on the wrong planet.
  21. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  22. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  23. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves, and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  24. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  25. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

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People really do enjoy witty one-liner jokes, so please share this post now.

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50 funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts

funny birthday wishes for friendsDear reader, are you looking for some ideas for witty and funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts?

Well here are 50 suggestions which might just amuse you, as well as help you produce a memorable gem to tease your best friend on his or her birthday card.

Enjoy them all.

25 funny birthday wishes for friends:

  1. Birthdays are just nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.
  2. May your hair dye and mascara never run! Happy Birthday, old girl!
  3. I’m not obsessed with age but I really can’t believe how old you are.
  4. Age is just a number. In your case, a very large number, dear friend.
  5. You’re as old as you are dear to me. And you’re very, very dear to me.
  6. The mirror doesn’t lie, and at your age, you’re lucky it doesn’t laugh either.
  7. Dearest friend, I hope you get 100 birthday cards today! To match your age!
  8. I wouldn’t say you’re old but even Keith Richards looks younger than you.
  9. Happy Birthday, friend! Age is not a big deal. Not to me but then I’m still young.
  10. Best wishes to a dear friend, who can tell me when bread was only five cents a loaf.
  11. Your birthday only comes once a year but the wrinkles it brings will last a lifetime.
  12. When you’re as old as you, there’s always cosmetic surgery. It’ll be a big job though.
  13. Looking at you fills me with hope, that one day I might live to be as old as you are today.
  14. Best wishes to a woman who’s been thirty for more years than either of us can remember.
  15. You’re as old as you feel, and I’m guessing you’re feeling very, very old today. Happy Birthday!
  16. You’re how old? OMG, that’s dead in doggy years! Be glad you’re not a dog. Happy Birthday!
  17. Today, girl, there are things we can all marvel at. Like the length of time that you’ve been on this planet. Truly amazing!
  18. I looked at today’s date and I realized it was your birthday, dearest friend! Then I thought about the year you were born! I’m surprised you’re still mobile and have all your own teeth.
  19. Today, dearest friend, you have made me so grateful for something … that I’m not as old as you!
  20. Before there were maps, people used the stars to guide them. I’d love to hear your stories about the challenges of getting around when you were young. Happy Birthday!
  21. Dearest friend, it’s so special to know someone who was around when the pyramids were being built. Happy Birthday!
  22. As the years pass, you might ache a little more. But that’s only because you’re getting old! Happy Birthday.
  23. As your friend, I’m here to remind you of things that are important in life. Like ‘Are you sure you’re putting away enough money your retirement?’
  24. Dearest friend, remember you should count your blessings, not your years. Well, you don’t really have enough time left to count all your years!
  25. I know you’re downhearted about your age this year, but worry not. Your best mate will be there to help you blow out all the candles on your cake, so you can feel like a kid again!

funny birthday wishes for friendsAnother 25 funny birthday wishes for friends:

  1. I wouldn’t call you ancient, but it’s a privilege to know someone who was involved with the construction of Stonehenge! Happy Birthday!
  2. Happy Birthday to the woman who has it all! Hearing loss, cataracts, hypertension, back pain and osteoarthritis to name but a few. Still, it’s your birthday, so enjoy!
  3. You’re a woman whose very presence makes others happy. Thanks for reminding us that we’re not as old as you. Happy Birthday!
  4. Sometimes, I feel like you’ve been around forever! That’s probably because you have! Happy Birthday!
  5. As someone who’s been around since before the age of electricity, you’ve kept yourself in good shape. Well, round is still a shape. Happy Birthday!
  6. Everyone thinks you’re really young, dearest friend, but only because you lie about your age. Happy Birthday!
  7. Here’s to the years that you’ve been alive, there’s been so many yet you still survive. Incredible, when you think about it.
  8. On your birthday, people often will tell you that you’re still a young man. Don’t believe them, they’re liars!
  9. Don’t think of yourself as old today. You just have a lot more experience of life than most people.
  10. Your beard is grey and your hairline’s disappeared below the horizon but, on the upside, there’ll be cake today.
  11. May your birthday be filled with joy and a glass or two of wine. Well, if there’s wine I’m sure that’ll be good enough
  12. Best wishes to a woman who thinks she’s still young, but isn’t. However your embrace of delusion is impressive.
  13. Facing another birthday, you might fear becoming an old man. Well, you needn’t worry because you’ve been an old man for years now.
  14. Happy Birthday to a man who has witnessed first-hand so many great things! Like the invention of the steam engine.
  15. I was going to make a joke about your age, but that would be a bit cruel, wouldn’t it? Happy Birthday!
  16. They say memory fades as you get older. So, I’m guessing now you probably don’t remember life as it was when dinosaurs roamed the earth.
  17. Honey, today on your birthday you don’t need to lift a finger. Don’t worry about the messy house or the dishes. I don’t mind. You can deal with them tomorrow. Happy Birthday!
  18. You never seem to age, so let me remind you how old you really are: you’re old enough to drink, young enough to get pregnant, and just the right age to make something of yourself. So by all means, hurry up before it’s too late! Oh, and many happy returns.
  19. I’d have put candles on your cake but there would have been so many that the carbon footprint would have breached the UNFCCC Paris Climate Accord.
  20. 40’s the old age of youth and 50’s the youth of old age. However, I’ve no idea what your age represents.
  21. Happy Birthday to you. I hope you enjoy your day as much as I’ll enjoy eating free cake and ice cream.
  22. I’m not saying you’re old but the songs on your iPhone are too old even for the GOLDEN OLDIES station to play.
  23. Happy Birthday to someone who’s getting more valuable and better with age. Oh wait-a-minute, that’s wine. Happy Birthday to someone who’s just getting old!
  24. I know you’re not thirty, flirty and thriving but hey, you’re still driving! That’s not bad for someone of your age.
  25. Happy Birthday to someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming. No hang on a minute, I meant from someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gift amusing? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

©Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights

21 funny one-liners that are pure gold

Funny One LinersDon’t you just love people who are quick with a joke and are never short of a witty riposte or two when they need it?

Personally I think you have to admire a quick wit.

However, did you know that many so-called quick wits simply memorize a lot of witty stuff and create for themselves a mental ‘quiver full of arrows’ ready for use whenever necessary?

Well if they can do that then so can you.

All you need is a little ammunition to get started.

So here are some very funny one-liners to get you going. See how many of them you can work into your day.

They all made me smile and I hope they brighten your day too. So give yourself a break for a few minutes and enjoy today’s smiles.

Funny one-liners:

  1. If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
  2. Wear short sleeves! Support the right to bare arms!
  3. How come we never see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
  4. 42.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  5. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  6. Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.
  7. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  8. Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  9. Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
  10. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  11. Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
  12. It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you
  13. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
  14. Support bacteria, they’re the only culture some people have.
  15. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  16. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
  17. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  18. What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
  19. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  20. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  21. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny one-liners made you smile then please share this post with 

your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

Really funny commercials that’ll make you smile

How many commercials does the average person see in a year? Literally thousands, wouldn’t you agree?

And how many of those commercials will the average consumer remember as they consider making a purchasing decision? Not that many I think.

However, if a commercial is to leave a powerful impression on consumers then it needs to be memorable. And how is it made memorable? Well, there can be few better ways than the use of humor.

The best commercials are really funny with a link back to the product’s unique selling proposition.

Here is a video with a series of commercials for the culturally insensitively named chocolate bar Japp (a product made by the Mars company I believe) which tick all the boxes for me. 

These really funny commercials made me smile and I hope they will brighten your day too.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these really funny commercials made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

30 sarcasm examples that’ll really make you smile

Sarcasm ExamplesIrony, wit and sarcastic responses are always well-received by readers.

So today I offer 30 more sarcasm examples that you can add to your ammunition stockpile. They will make you smile too.

Enjoy them all and if you have any of your own then please add them to the comments. I’d love to hear from you and I’m sure other readers would too.

Sarcasm examples:

  1. Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
  2. You’ve got a face only a mother could love.
  3. You’re about as pleasant as colonic irrigation.
  4. Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
  5. If I appear to be disinterested that’s because I am.
  6. I didn’t ask for your advice, so why would you assume I need it?
  7. Dressed like that I’m guessing you’re off to a loud shirt party?
  8. What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face on you like a wet weekend.
  9. Am I a bitch or just a girl who’s looking after her own interests and takes no crap from anyone? You may not like it but it works for me. So suck it up buttercup.
  10. I appreciate you giving me this opportunity for a lengthy exchange of ideas but I’m busy. So please just go away.
  11. I get it that life has been unfair to you and that you’re not happy but why’s that my problem?
  12. When you say ‘ad hoc’ does that mean I can do it as necessary or were you just trying to impress me with your knowledge of Latin?
  13. When you suggest ‘I’m just biased’ does that mean deep down you think I may actually have a point but you don’t want to admit it?
  14. Listen, buddy, I can sell you a drink but I can’t offer you solutions to your problems. I’m a bartender, not a psychotherapist.
  15. Sarcasm ExamplesYou keep saying that money’s not important but I’d love to see how long you can live without it.
  16. What have you done to your hair? It looks like it’s been cut with a knife and fork.
  17. You know you’re old when you receive a welcome letter from AARP which serves only to remind you that you’re not quite dead yet.
  18. It may be moderately challenging but let’s face it, it’s not rocket science, is it?
  19. That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you put it in the Suggestion Box and I’ll be sure to ignore it?
  20. So life was so much better back in your day? Well whoop-dee-doo. The rest of us are so pleased for you, NOT.
  21. It was a joke. We used to tell them to each other before everyone was so easily offended.
  22. Just because you work hard you shouldn’t assume your efforts will be appreciated. What did you expect? Applause?
  23. You do realize that feeling that everyone’s out to get you may not just be a feeling?
  24. Yes, I received your email and I ignored it like every other message I have in my Inbox. I’ve actually got work to do.
  25. Referring to yourself as a professional is not for me a guarantee that you’ll have any significant level of competence.
  26. One day you’ll realize that behaving like a total dick was not a good idea and it doesn’t impress anyone.
  27. ‘Have a nice day’ is something you say but in my experience rarely is it something you mean.
  28. You’re not old. Chronologically challenged, yes! But there’s a bit more life in you yet.
  29. If you don’t feel that this job is worthy of your talents then you can always quit and go spend more time with your ego.
  30. Being a perfectionist will make you the worst kind of boss in the world. On the upside, it’ll also make you the best kind of sexual partner. So it’s not all bad.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these sarcasm examples made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.