35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

witty quotesI love witty quotes from the funniest people and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share some of them with you dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  6. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

Please share this post with your friends:

Do you agree that these are some of the best witty quotes, dear reader?

You do? I hope so anyway.

If you did enjoy them then please, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2022. All Rights Reserved.

15 witty quotes that’ll make anyone smile

Witty-QuotesBlog posts that include something to make readers smile always get a good response. In fact, witty quotes always get the best response.

So here are 15 witty quotes which are razor-sharp and at least a few of them should brighten your day I am sure.

This is a collection of witty quotes put together in response to requests from readers for a little levity to break up the otherwise gloomy news which seems to have dominated our lives this year.

So go on have a laugh right now and enjoy them all.

Witty Quotes:

  1. I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ~Mae West
  2. When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. ~Groucho Marx
  3. Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well. ~Mark Twain
  4. Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ~Robert A. Heinlein
  5. I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. ~Oscar Wilde
  6. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~W.C. Fields
  7. My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best. ~Winston S. Churchill
  8. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ~George Burns
  9. Two wrongs don’t make a right but they do make a good excuse. ~Thomas Szasz
  10. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. ~A.A. Milne
  11. If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? ~Laurence J. Peter
  12. If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. ~W.C. Fields
  13. Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away. ~Paul Terry
  14. When you’re courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ~Albert Einstein
  15. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~George Carlin

witty-quotesPlease share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these witty quotes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of them make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

50 funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts

Funny-birthday-wishes-for-friendsDear reader, are you looking for some ideas for witty and funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts?

Well here are 50 suggestions that might just amuse you, as well as help you produce a memorable gem to tease your best friend on his or her birthday card.

Enjoy them all.

Funny birthday wishes for friends (1-25):

  1. Birthdays are just nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.
  2. May your hair dye and mascara never run! Happy Birthday, old girl!
  3. I’m not obsessed with age but I really can’t believe how old you are.
  4. Age is just a number. In your case, a very large number, dear friend.
  5. You’re as old as you are dear to me. And you’re very, very dear to me.
  6. The mirror doesn’t lie, and at your age, you’re lucky it doesn’t laugh either.
  7. Dearest friend, I hope you get 100 birthday cards today! To match your age!
  8. I wouldn’t say you’re old but even Keith Richards looks younger than you.
  9. Happy Birthday, friend! Age is not a big deal. Not to me but then I’m still young.
  10. Best wishes to a dear friend, who can tell me when bread was only five cents a loaf.
  11. Your birthday only comes once a year but the wrinkles it brings will last a lifetime.
  12. When you’re as old as you, there’s always cosmetic surgery. It’ll be a big job though.
  13. Looking at you fills me with hope, that one day I might live to be as old as you are today.
  14. Best wishes to a woman who’s been thirty for more years than either of us can remember.
  15. You’re as old as you feel, and I’m guessing you’re feeling very, very old today. Happy Birthday!
  16. You’re how old? OMG, that’s dead in doggy years! Be glad you’re not a dog. Happy Birthday!
  17. Today, girl, there are things we can all marvel at. Like the length of time that you’ve been on this planet. Truly amazing!
  18. I looked at today’s date and I realized it was your birthday, dearest friend! Then I thought about the year you were born! I’m surprised you’re still mobile and have all your own teeth.
  19. Today, dearest friend, you have made me so grateful for something … that I’m not as old as you!
  20. Before there were maps, people used the stars to guide them. I’d love to hear your stories about the challenges of getting around when you were young. Happy Birthday!
  21. Dearest friend, it’s so special to know someone who was around when the pyramids were being built. Happy Birthday!
  22. As the years’ pass, you might ache a little more. But that’s only because you’re getting old! Happy Birthday.
  23. As your friend, I’m here to remind you of things that are important in life. Like ‘Are you sure you’re putting away enough money for your retirement?’
  24. Dearest friend, remember you should count your blessings, not your years. Well, you don’t really have enough time left to count all your years!
  25. I know you’re downhearted about your age this year but worry not. Your best mate will be there to help you blow out all the candles on your cake, so you can feel like a kid again!

Funny birthday wishes for friends (26-50):

  1. I wouldn’t call you ancient, but it’s a privilege to know someone who was involved with the construction of Stonehenge! Happy Birthday!
  2. Happy Birthday to the woman who has it all! Hearing loss, cataracts, hypertension, back pain and osteoarthritis to name but a few. Still, it’s your birthday, so enjoy!
  3. You’re a woman whose very presence makes others happy. Thanks for reminding us that we’re not as old as you. Happy Birthday!
  4. Sometimes, I feel like you’ve been around forever! That’s probably because you have! Happy Birthday!
  5. As someone who’s been around since before the age of electricity, you’ve kept yourself in good shape. Well, round is still a shape. Happy Birthday!
  6. Everyone thinks you’re really young, dearest friend, but only because you lie about your age. Happy Birthday!
  7. Here’s to the years that you’ve been alive, there’s been so many yet you still survive. Incredible, when you think about it.
  8. On your birthday, people often will tell you that you’re still a young man. Don’t believe them, they’re liars!
  9. Don’t think of yourself as old today. You just have a lot more experience of life than most people.
  10. Your beard is grey and your hairline’s disappeared below the horizon but, on the upside, there’ll be cake today.
  11. May your birthday be filled with joy and a glass or two of wine. Well, if there’s wine I’m sure that’ll be good enough
  12. Best wishes to a woman who thinks she’s still young but isn’t. However your embrace of delusion is impressive.
  13. Facing another birthday, you might fear becoming an old man. Well, you needn’t worry because you’ve been an old man for years now.
  14. Happy Birthday to a man who has witnessed first-hand so many great things! Like the invention of the steam engine.
  15. I was going to make a joke about your age, but that would be a bit cruel, wouldn’t it? Happy Birthday!
  16. They say memory fades as you get older. So, I’m guessing now you probably don’t remember life as it was when dinosaurs roamed the earth.
  17. Honey, today on your birthday you don’t need to lift a finger. Don’t worry about the messy house or the dishes. I don’t mind. You can deal with them tomorrow. Happy Birthday!
  18. You never seem to age, so let me remind you how old you really are: you’re old enough to drink, young enough to get pregnant, and just the right age to make something of yourself. So by all means, hurry up before it’s too late! Oh, and many happy returns.
  19. I’d have put candles on your cake but there would have been so many that the carbon footprint would have breached the UNFCCC Paris Climate Accord.
  20. 40’s the old age of youth and 50’s the youth of old age. However, I’ve no idea what your age represents.
  21. Happy Birthday to you. I hope you enjoy your day as much as I’ll enjoy eating free cake and ice cream.
  22. I’m not saying you’re old but the songs on your iPhone are too old even for the GOLDEN OLDIES station to play.
  23. Happy Birthday to someone who’s getting more valuable and better with age. Oh wait-a-minute, that’s wine. Happy Birthday to someone who’s just getting old!
  24. I know you’re not thirty, flirty and thriving but hey, you’re still driving! That’s not bad for someone of your age.
  25. Happy Birthday to someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming. No hang on a minute, I meant from someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming.

funny-birthday-wishes-for-friendsPlease share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts amusing? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

15 Quotes by Milton Berle that are sharp and funny

Quotes-by-Milton-BerleSadly he’s no longer with us, but Milton Berle was a comedian and actor from the golden age of American television.

He’s generally regarded as the first major American television star and he was known to millions as Uncle Miltie and Mr Television.

Younger readers probably won’t remember him, or possibly even heard of him, but he was funny and very sharp.

To prove the point, here are 15 Quotes by Milton Berle.

Quotes by Milton Berle:

  1. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? ~Milton Berle
  2. If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. ~Milton Berle
  3. Laughter is an instant vacation. ~Milton Berle
  4. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. ~Milton Berle
  5. You can lead a man to Congress but you can’t make him think. ~Milton Berle
  6. They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. ~Milton Berle
  7. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. ~Milton Berle
  8. I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do but I don’t know how to make it interesting. ~Milton Berle
  9. Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name. ~Milton Berle
  10. Money can’t buy you happiness but it helps you look for it in a lot more places. ~Milton Berle
  11. My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life and I don’t try to run mine. ~Milton Berle
  12. The problem with life is by the time you can read women like a book your library card has expired. ~Milton Berle
  13. It’s rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. ~Milton Berle
  14. A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them! ~Milton Berle
  15. This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!” ~Milton Berle

Quotes-by-Milton-BerlePlease share these quotes with your friends:

If you found these quotes by Milton Berle interesting then please share this post on social media with your friends. When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now.

If you do, I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

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