3 hilariously funny story jokes to make you laugh

Hilariously funny story jokes1. Immaculate conception:

Jenny Smith accompanies her 15-year-old daughter Caitlyn to the doctor.

Good evening Mrs Smith”, says the doctor, “how can I be of help today?

Well Doctor Morgan, it’s my daughter Caitlyn”, says Mrs Smith, “she’s putting on weight, she’s being sick in the mornings and she keeps getting these cravings.”

The kindly doctor smiles and then says, “Right then let me take a look at her.”

He then examines Caitlyn thoroughly before turning to her mother and saying, “Well, I’m not quite sure how to break this news to you Mrs Smith but your daughter is pregnant. Probably about three months gone, I would estimate.

Jenny Smith is shocked. “Pregnant?” she says to the doctor.

Yes mam”, the doctor responds.

But how can that be?” says Mrs Smith. “She doesn’t even have a boyfriend. Do you Caitlyn?

No mom, I don’t” Caitlyn responds nervously. “I’ve never even kissed a boy and I’m still a virgin.

Doctor Morgan walks across to the window in his surgery and starts gazing out into the evening sky.

A few minutes pass before Mrs Smith feels compelled to say, “What’s the problem doctor is something wrong out there?

No, not really”, Doctor Morgan replies, “but the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men arrived on camels to witness the event. That’s definitely a spectacle I didn’t want to miss.

Hilariously funny story jokes2. If a job matters, don’t leave it to a man:

Gloria is getting increasingly concerned that her 3 year old son Billy looks completely different to both her and her husband Jeff.

So she decides to take Billy for a DNA test.

The results from the DNA test reveal that Billy is actually from completely different parents.

So when Jeff arrives home from work, Gloria says, “Honey, I’ve got something really serious to tell you.

Why? What’s wrong?” Jeff responds.

Well”, says Gloria, “according to DNA test results, Billy is not our child.

To which Jeff responds, “Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, ‘Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here’.”

Hilariously funny story jokes3. You can’t outsmart an old dog:

An old dog strays into a jungle and gets himself completely lost.

A hungry lion basking in the sun spots the old dog from a distance and thinks to himself “I’ve not seen this type of animal before but he sure looks edible.”

The lion then gets up and starts moving slowly towards the old dog, gradually picking up pace before he then sprints towards the dog with real menace in his eyes.

The old dog sees the charging lion and naturally he starts to panic. Who wouldn’t panic in these circumstances?

However the old dog is also very smart and he realises he cannot outrun the lion. So having noticed some bones next to him on the ground he picks one up and starts chewing at it.

As the lion gets close, he then says loudly, “Hmmmm, now that was some excellent lion meat!

Hearing this comment stops the lion in his tracks.

The lion stares at the old dog thinking, “This old fella must be a lot tougher than he looks. It’s might be a good idea to leave him alone.

A monkey in a nearby tree sees what’s happened and recognises that the old dog has managed to fool the lion.

Naturally the monkey thinks that this is a situation he might be able to exploit to his advantage.

So he goes over to the lion and tells him exactly what happened, in the hope that he might just get something in return.

The lion is angry that he’s fallen for the old dog’s deception, so he says to the monkey, “Get on my back now and we’ll get him together. We’ll teach him a lesson he won’t forget“.

So with the monkey on his back, the lion once again start rushing in the old dog’s direction.

Despite his advancing years, the old dog is quick to spot them and realizes what’s happened. He starts to panic again before he quickly gets another idea.

He then starts to act like he’s searching for something until they get close and then to ensure they hear him he shouts loudly, “Where’s that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago.

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So dear reader, did these hilariously funny story jokes make you laugh?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

Funny Witty QuotesI always get the best reaction from readers with posts that are full of content to make you smile. And that’s natural of course. We all need a good laugh, don’t we?

With that in mind I’ve been trawling the Internet and my personal journals looking for funny witty quotes which I hope you’ll enjoy dear reader.

Here are today’s 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you. Certainly they tickled me.

They’re all by Authors Unknown but they’re razor sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on take a few minutes right now to have a laugh and enjoy them all.

Funny witty quotes:

  1. ‘Be yourself’ is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
  2. Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
  3. HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
  4. Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
  5. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  6. Funny Witty QuotesThe only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
  7. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
  8. There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
  9. You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
  10. If you have nothing to be grateful for check your pulse.
  11. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
  12. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
  13. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  14. We mature with damage, not with years.
  15. Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
  16. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  17. Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
  18. I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
  19. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  20. The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
  21. The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
  22. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
  24. If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
  25. 129% of people exaggerate.

Funny Witty QuotesPlease share this post with your friends:

So did these funny witty quotes amuse you dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

3 funny story jokes to make you chuckle

Funny Story JokesHow to impress the girl of your dreams:

Young Josh is a 16 year old, shy and socially awkward guy constantly dreaming of dating a girl, like most young men of his age.

As luck would have it the real object of his affections lives right next door to him. Her name’s Charlene, she’s slim, attractive, cultured and perfectly poised.

However poor Josh is a little too bashful to engage her in conversation.

Nevertheless that doesn’t stop him watching her dreamily from his bedroom window as she wanders across her yard each morning to use the toilet.

One day Josh’s father notices him watching Charlene from his bedroom window.

Josh if you like the girl, why not say hello to her?” says his Dad.

Oh Dad, I’m not very good at talking to girls, I never quite know what to say to them”, Josh responds.

Look son”, says his dad, “girls just like you to take an interest in them and what they’ve been doing. Just ask her about what she’s been doing.

The following day Josh sees Charlene wander across her yard, heading towards the john at the end of her garden.

Desperate to impress her and thinking he’s spotted an ideal opportunity to follow his Dad’s advice, Josh rushes outside to catch her attention as she’s returning to the house.

Encouraged when Charlene flashes him a smile, Josh is convinced that this is his opportunity impress to her.

And then he hears himself say, “Been taking a dump then, Charlene?

Funny Story JokesThe man and the penguins:

Police officer Maguire is sitting in his patrol car by the side of the freeway when he sees a guy drive past him in a pickup truck which is full of penguins.

With blue lights flashing, Officer Maguire chases after the pickup truck and he pulls the guy over.

Sir, you do know that penguins are a protected species and you can’t drive them around like this in this town?” says Officer Maguire. “I suggest you take them to the zoo.

Having given the guy a polite warning, Officer Maguire then lets him go on his way.

The very next day Officer Maguire is in his patrol car again when he sees the same man still driving around with the penguins and this time they’re all wearing sunglasses.

So Officer Maguire pulls the guy over once again and he says to him, “Hey buddy, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday.

I did”, the man replies, “and today I’m taking them to the beach.

Funny Story JokesChildren and their teacher:

It’s the end of the school year and the popular kindergarten teacher is receiving gifts from the children in her class.

She asks them to each bring their gift to the front, one at a time.

First up is the florist’s son. He proudly hands her his neatly wrapped gift and she thanks him and smiles.

She then gives the gift a little shake, holds it above her head momentarily and then says, “I bet I know what this is. Some flowers?

That’s right”, says the boy, “but how did you know?

Oh, it’s just a lucky guess“, says the teacher.

The next child to offer a gift is the sweet shop owner’s daughter.

Once again the teacher gives the gift a little shake, holds it above her head momentarily and then says, “I bet I know what this is. It’s a box of sweets?

That’s right”, says the little girl, “but how did you know?

Oh, it’s just a lucky guess“, says the teacher.

The next child to offer a gift is the son of the liquor store owner.

As before the teacher holds the gift-wrapped package above her head momentarily but it’s leaking.

So she touches a drop of the slightly yellow liquid with her finger and then touches her finger on her tongue.

Is it a Chardonnay?” asks the teacher.

No!” the boy replies, a little excited in anticipation of her response.

Once again the teacher touches the leaking, yellowy liquid with her finger and then touches her finger on her tongue.

Perhaps it’s Champagne?” she suggests.

No!” the boy replies, even more excited than before.

So the teacher has one more quick taste of the liquid before saying, “Alright then, I give up, you’ve got me on his one. What is it?

With a beaming smile and great excitement the boy says, “It’s a puppy!

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So for you dear reader, did these funny story jokes make you laugh?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

3 funny stories that’ll make you laugh until you cry

Funny stories that'll make you laugh until you cry1. Patrick’s doppelgänger:

Mick is the bartender is a Dublin bar and Patrick is sitting at the counter drinking. Suddenly Patrick says to Mick, “You see that guy over there? Don’t you think he looks just like me?

Yes he does”, says Mick humoring him.

Patrick then walks over to his doppelgänger and says, “Excuse me sir, but I couldn’t help noticing that you and I look so much alike.

You’re right, we really do look alike”, says the guy.

Where are you from?” asks Patrick.

I’m from Rathmines” says the guy.

Which street?” Patrick then asks.

Mayo Abbey Street” says the guy.

Mayo Abbey Street?” says Patrick. “Now that’s incredible. That’s my street too. What number?

I live at 47” the guy responds.

47?” says Patrick. “I don’t believe it! Me too! What are your parents’ names?

Thomas and Bernadette” says the guy.

That’s unbelievable” Patrick responds. “My parents have the same names.

Just then Mick’s colleague Jim arrives on shift.

How’s it going Mick?” says Jim. “Has there been much happening tonight?

Not really” Mick responds, “oh, except for the O’Donnell twins being drunk again.”

2. Pumping out the tank:

A C-5 Galaxy military transport aircraft is being prepared for departure at a US Air Force base in Greenland.

The crew’s waiting for a truck to arrive so that the aircraft’s sewage tank can be pumped out.

Nothing’s going quite to plan and the aircraft commander is growing impatient.

When the truck eventually shows up, the airman carrying out the pumping task on the tank is extremely slow and seems to take an age.

Eventually the commander has had enough and he snaps and threatens to punish the airman for being so slow.

Sir, I have no stripes, it’s twenty five below zero, I’m stationed in Greenland miles from civilization, and I’m pumping sewage.” the airman responds. “What could you possibly do that would punish me further?

Funny stories that'll make you laugh until you cry3. The artist:

An artist asks the gallery owner if there has been any interest in any of the paintings he currently has on display.

Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you”, the owner replies.

What’s the good news?” asks the artist.

Well a gentleman inquired about your work and he asked me whether the paintings would appreciate in value after your death”, says the owner.

Really?” inquires the artist.

Yes, and when I told him they would he bought all thirty of your paintings” the owner continued.

Wow, that’s fantastic news!” says the artist. “So what’s the bad news?

The gentleman said he was your doctor” the owner responds.

Please share with your friends:

So for you dear reader, did these prove to be funny stories that made you laugh until you cried?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read today then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, then I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

3 hilariously funny short story jokes

hilariously funny short story jokes1. Jackie and the Game Warden:

Steve and Jackie went on vacation to a fishing resort in Montana.

Now Steve was a keen fisherman and he liked to go out fishing early in the morning. Whereas when she’s on vacation Jackie preferred just to relax and read.

One morning after a few hours of fishing on the lake Steve returned in the boat and, feeling a little tired by now, decided to take a midday nap.

At this point Jackie is feeling in need of a little fresh air so, although not really familiar with their boat, she decided to take it out onto the lake.

So she motored out a short distance, anchored the boat, and then continued reading her book in the peace and tranquility of this beautiful part of the world.

Jackie’s sitting reading for about half an hour when suddenly the Game Warden’s boat pulls up next to her boat.

Good day mam”, said the Game Warden. “What are you doing?

I’m reading a book”, Jackie replied.

Mam do realize you’re in a restricted fishing area?” said the Game Warden.

Does that really matter?” said Jackie. “I’m not fishing I’m reading.

The Game Warden cast his experienced eye over her boat and then said, “Mam I can see your boat has all the equipment for fishing. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’m afraid I’ll have to write you up a ticket.

Jackie smiled and then said, “Officer, if you do that I will file a complaint against you for sexual assault.

Surprised and slightly concerned by her response the Game Warden said, “Mam, what do you mean? I haven’t laid a finger on you?

Perhaps”, said Jackie “but you have all the equipment to do so. For all I know you could start at any moment.

You have a nice day mam”, said the Game Warden, as he re-started his engine and sailed away, leaving Jackie to her reading.

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

2. The silent treatment:

Frank and his wife Liz were giving each other the silent treatment after an argument.

This had gone on for 10 days when Frank realized he needed her to wake him the following morning at 5am so he could catch the 8am flight to Los Angeles for a very important business meeting.

However Frank didn’t want to be the first to break the silence so he left a note on her bedside table which read, “Please wake me at 5am.

The next morning he woke up only to find it was already 9am. So he’d missed his flight to Los Angeles.

Frank was furious and he was about to ask his wife why she hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper on his bedside table. It read, “It’s 5am. Wake up.

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

hilariously funny short story jokes3. A woman’s contribution:

One evening Bill returned home from work only to find his home completely wrecked and upside down. Everything was in a complete mess.

Bill’s three young children were still in their pajamas, eating snacks from the fridge. The entrance rug normally in the hall was lying on the table. The television in the living room was blasting out cartoons loudly. And every item of furniture in the room was covered in stuff.

He walked into the kitchen only to find that the sink was full of dishes. Leftovers from breakfast were scattered all over the counter and it was covered in crumbs too.

So Bill immediately ran up the stairs, dodging toys and piles of clothes, fearing his wife might be gravely ill or that some other misfortune might have happened to her.

When he entered their bedroom, breathless, Bill found his wife lying happily in bed, still in her pajamas, reading a book.

Watching him struggling for breath she smiled and said, “Hello honey how was your day?

Feeling more than surprised and a little confused, Bill asked his wife, “What’s going on? What the hell has been happening here today?

Once again Bill’s wife smiled and said, “Remember that argument we had last night when you hurtfully asked me what the hell I did all day?

“Ehhhh, yes I think so”, said Bill, still slight confused.

Well today I didn’t do any of it, so now you know,” his wife responded.

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

Please share the fun:

I hope you found these jokes as funny as you’d hoped dear reader.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all  your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please do it now. I will be ever so grateful.

Thank you.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

3 funny jokes you can tell your colleagues at an office party

funny jokes you can tell your colleagues at an office party1. Buying a parrot:

Jerry’s wife decides she’d like a parrot for a pet as a birthday gift and of course, she wanted one that could talk.

Naturally Jerry knows it’s important to keep his wife happy, if he’s to be happy, but he doesn’t want to spend too much money on an exotic bird.

However he hears about an auction were exotic birds are being traded and he thinks this might be just the place to purchase a parrot at a reasonable price.

So Jerry arrives at the auction room and he immediately spots a parrot with a reserve price of $100.

That looks perfect,” thinks Jerry.

So bidding starts and they get to the $100 reserve price quickly and bidding is with Jerry at the $100. He thinks the bird is his when suddenly a mystery bidder says $120.

Having the price pushed up at the last minute is an irritation but Jerry is determined to get this bird for his wife.

So Jerry shouts, “$150!” but the mystery bidder then says, “$200!

Jerry is even more determined now and he decides he’ll go on up to a maximum of $500. He thinks to himself, “If I can’t get it for that price then I will just have to withdraw from the bidding.

So Jerry and the mystery bidder continue their contest and the price continues to soar until it reaches $500.

The auctioneer says, “Do I have any advance $500? OK fair warning. Going once…….

It looks like Jerry’s got it at $500, and he waits with bated breath as the auctioneer says, “Going twice…..

There’s no further bid from the mystery bidder.

Sold!” says the auctioneer.

Jerry breathes a sigh of relief.

As he’s paying for the bird Jerry says to the auctioneer, “I hope this parrot can talk. My wife would kill me if she knew I’ve paid this much money for a parrot only to find it can’t talk.”

The auctioneer smiles at Jerry as he says, “Yes, of course he can talk. Who do you think was bidding against you?

2. The bank robbery:

A man with a shotgun and a scarf covering the lower half of his face bursts into a branch of Bank of America.

Freeze! No one move!” he shouts.

He hands a large leather bag to a teller and says, “Fill it with cash and you won’t get hurt.

The teller complies with his demand but as he grabs the cash-filled bag from her, the scarf slips briefly to reveal his face. Quickly he pulls it back into position.

However panicked that a witness may have seen his face he starts interrogating the customers.

Pointing his gun at a couple standing nearby the bank robber growls at the man, “Did you see my face, because if you did I will shoot you dead?

No, I didn’t see your face”, the man says hesitantly.

Are you sure?” says the bank robber.

Absolutely”, says the man, “but I’m fairly certain my wife got a good look at you.

Funny jokes you can tell your colleagues at an office party3. The lawyer at the Pearly Gates:

A lawyer dies and finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

St Peter looks at him and then says, “You’re a lawyer. I’m afraid you can’t come in here. There will be a place down below reserved for you.

However using all his courtroom know-how the lawyer pleads his case until eventually St Peter agrees to reconsider.

OK this is what I’ll do”, says St Peter. “You’ll spend the same amount of time in Hell as you did on Earth and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here in heaven.

Fair enough”, the lawyer responds.

Right then”, says St Peter, “we’ll see you again in three hundred and seventy five years.

Just a minute St Peter, what do you mean by three hundred and seventy five years?” says the lawyer, “I’m only sixty two!”

Yes, I know that”, says St Peter, “but up here we go by billing hours.

Please share the fun:

I hope you found these funny jokes you can tell your colleagues as funny as you’d hoped dear reader.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all  your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please do it now. I will be ever so grateful.

Thank you.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

25 of the funniest one-liners to make you smile

Funniest One-LinersHere are some of the funniest one-liners I was able to find this week. They all made me smile and I hope they brighten your day too.

Unfortunately I was unable to identify the original authors for these inventive and witty lines, so for the moment they are all classified as ‘Author Unknown’.

However should any reader be able to identify specific authors for individual one-liners, then I’d welcome your advice. I am very keen to add acknowledgements and links wherever I can.

In the meantime take a few minutes to enjoy 25 of the funniest one-liners I’ve been able to find today.

Funniest one-liners:

  1. I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
  2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there; he said he couldn’t complain.
  3. I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Call me playful but scaring men is so easy.
  4. Time may be a great healer but it’s a lousy beautician.
  5. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  6. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
  7. It’s easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  8. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  9. The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
  10. My ideal woman is one who is too naïve to know she’s way out of my league.
  11. She wanted a puppy but I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
  12. My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
  13. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
  14. The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
  15. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
  16. My husband is on the roof. Only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
  17. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road!”
  18. My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
  19. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  20. Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
  21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  22. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
  23. Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
  24. “Doctor, there’s a patient on Line 1 who says he’s invisible.” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
  25. The deeper the pit you’re falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly. 

Please share with your friends:

So did these prove to be the funniest one-liners for you read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please could I request you share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share now, I’d be ever so grateful.

Thank you.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

15 Very Funny One-Liners by Billy Connolly

Billy ConnollyBilly Connolly is known to millions around the world as an irreverent comedian with a laser-sharp wit, as well as being an exceptional storyteller.

Often known affectionately as The Big Yin his contribution to popular entertainment, particularly in Britain over the past 40 years, has been enormous.

He started life working as a welder in the Glasgow shipyards, and moved on to a career as a folk singer, initially with Gerry Rafferty and then as a solo artist.

Through that he gradually found his natural calling which was to make us all laugh and cheer us up. And at this he excels.

From his work as a comedian, he’s broadened his popular appeal through acting and presenting. And in recognition of his achievements and his charitable work he is now formally Sir William Connolly, CBE.

Billy Connolly is an excellent example of someone who by finding something he both enjoys and excels at, has been very successful.

So today dear reader I offer you 15 very funny one-liners by Billy Connolly just to remind you of how witty he is. Enjoy them all.

Funny one-liners by Billy Connolly:

  1. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on. ~Billy Connolly
  2. Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~Billy Connolly
  3. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~Billy Connolly
  4. Who discovered we could get milk from cows and what did he think he was doing at the time? ~Billy Connolly
  5. I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. ~Billy Connolly
  6. I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra. I’m never likely to go there. ~Billy Connolly
  7. If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? ~Billy Connolly
  8. A lot of people say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer f***. ~Billy Connolly
  9. What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? ~Billy Connolly
  10. When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? ~Billy Connolly
  11. When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it. ~Billy Connolly
  12. Why do people say ‘Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?’ Dead right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it? ~Billy Connolly
  13. A bird in the hand invariably shits on your wrist. ~Billy Connolly
  14. When you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks, ‘Has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came would I be standing here?  ~Billy Connolly
  15. My advice to you if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. ~Billy Connolly

Polite request:

Did these funny one-liners from Billy Connolly make you smile?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a wannabe blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

17 cheesy jokes guaranteed to raise a smile

Once again I’ve been surfing the Internet looking for humor and smiles.

On this occasion I was looking for cheesy jokes.

So here are 17 cheesy jokes I found that should make you smile today I hope.

Unfortunately I couldn’t identify the authors but should you be one of them please let me know and I will add a suitable credit and link to your work.

Cheesy jokes:

  • What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles? 
  • UCLA 

 

  • Which US State has the smallest soft drinks? 
  • Mini-soda 

 

  • Where do pencils go for vacation? 
  • Pencil-vania

 

  • What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
  • A loose Canon

 

  • What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? 
  • A Bagel 

 

  • Where do Volkswagens go when they get old? 
  • The Old Volks home!

 

  • What did the fisherman say to the magician? 
  • Pick a cod, any cod!

 

  • Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
  • Because he was on a roll 

 

  • Why did the poor man sell yeast? 
  • To raise some dough

 

  • How do snails fight? 
  • They slug it out

 

  • Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? 
  • Because he wanted to see time fly! 

 

  • What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun? 
  • I just love baskin’ robins

 

  • What do lawyers wear to court? 
  • Lawsuits! 

 

  • Why did the man put his money in the freezer? 
  • He wanted cold hard cash!

 

  • What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? 
  • I don’t know and I don’t care. 

 

  • How does NASA organize a party?
  • They planet

 

  • What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand? 
  • Quattro Sinko 

Polite request:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these cheesy quotes funny? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

17 of the best puns ever and guaranteed to make you smile

I love wordplay, especially that form of wordplay that exploits multiple meanings of words for humorous effect.

I think clever puns are brilliant, which is why I’ve been searching the Internet for some of the best ones.

Here of 17 of the best puns I’ve found, so let me know what you think.

As always when searching the net for wit and wisdom, it’s difficult to confirm the original author. Should you be one of them dear reader then please let me know. That way I can give you credit for your brilliance.

Best puns ever:

  1. How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
  2. I hate peer pressure and you should too.
  3. I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
  4. I’m a born pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
  5. My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she’s a keeper.
  6. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where’s the bar tender?”
  7. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  8. I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  9. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well, it’s just gathering dust.
  10. About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
  11. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  12. A cop knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes but my dogs don’t even own bikes.
  13. I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. That must be a milestone.
  14. To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing.
  15. This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that’s a nice Jester.
  16. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
  17. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns but I realized that toucan play at that game.

Polite request:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these the best puns ever? Did they make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.