35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

witty quotesI love witty quotes from the funniest people and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share some of them with you dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  6. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

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You do? I hope so anyway.

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15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes to brighten your day

Cosmo Kramer quotes

Photo by Alan Light

One of the most memorable sitcom characters of all time has to be Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld, played by the excellent Michael Richards. So let’s take a look back at some of the best Cosmo Kramer quotes that made us all smile back in the day.

If you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Cosmo Kramer, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom on YouTube. They’re all brilliant and well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes which I hope will brighten your day.

Cosmo Kramer Quotes:

  1. Look away, I’m hideous.
  2. She’s got the Jimmy legs!
  3. Moles … freckles’ ugly cousin.
  4. Just make love to that wall pervert.
  5. You’re as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.
  6. Yeah, don’t worry, Jerry. We’re right on this guy like stink on a monkey.
  7. Because I’m like ice, buddy. When I don’t like you, you’ve got problems.
  8. Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak you sell the sizzle.
  9. There’s nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of a woman.
  10. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure, my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
  11. Now, what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
  12. Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious.
  13. I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
  14. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!
  15. Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humour. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard.

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Did you find any of these Cosmo Kramer quotes memorable and amusing dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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34 corny but very clever one-liners that’ll crack you up

Clever One-LinersWhenever I post some clever one-liners, I always get an enormous response from readers. Clearly, they’re very popular with you.

So to satisfy demand, I thought I’d collect another batch for your amusement.

Here are 34 definitely corny but still very clever one-liners which I’m confident will crack you up. So enjoy them all and feel free to share this post with your friends. If some of these jokes made you laugh, then they’ll probably make your friends laugh.

However, relax and enjoy them all first.

Clever one-liners:

  1. A life in politics is full of parties.
  2. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  3. Coming up with weather puns is a breeze.
  4. I love jokes about eyes, the cornea the better.
  5. What do you call a small mother? A minimum.
  6. I met a girl on a dating site and we just clicked.
  7. I did have a joke about vacuums, but it sucked.
  8. When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  9. Pollen is when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
  10. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
  11. I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.
  12. I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
  13. How do you make a hotdog stand? You take the seat away.
  14. I hate negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
  15. Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
  16. I used to build stairs for a living, it’s an up and down business.
  17. Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
  18. Archaeologists are always broke because their careers lie in ruins.
  19. Claustrophobic people are more productive in thinking outside the box.
  20. What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
  21. I decided to get some Velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot? 
  22. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
  23. My sister said she didn’t understand cloning. I said that makes two of us.
  24. My tailor’s happy to make a pair of pants for me or at least, sew it seams.
  25. I got a reversible jacket for my birthday. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
  26. Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.
  27. I wasn’t originally going to get a heart transplant but then I had a change of heart.
  28. Why can’t you take anything balloons say seriously? They’re always full of hot air!
  29. I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why.
  30. This guy quit his job at the donut factory because he was fed up with the whole business.
  31. Running in front of a car will make you tired but running behind one is exhausting.
  32. My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed. I watched it all unfold.
  33. A teacher asked her student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?” The kid answers, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
  34. My husband passed away in the hospital when I couldn’t remember his blood type. His last words to me were, “Be positive!”

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If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

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33 witty one-liners that will really tickle you

witty-one-linersWould you like a few witty one-liners to brighten your day dear reader?

Well, I’ve got an excellent selection for you today.

Once again I’ve been trawling my journals to put together a collection of witty one-liners that I’m confident you’ll enjoy.

These have all been collected over time and I can’t be sure who the originators were, so I can’t provide an acknowledgement on this occasion. However, if you have any ideas, please let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy them all and, please do share them with your friends.

Witty one-liners:

  1. Bad puns? That’s how eye roll.
  2. My patience has stretch marks.
  3. If you need an ark, I Noah guy.  
  4. Is a Will defined as a dead giveaway?
  5. Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.
  6. I used to be a banker but I lost interest. 
  7. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  8. Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at! 
  9. Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
  10. Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up.
  11. How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
  12. I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
  13. I wanted to grow herbs but I couldn’t find the thyme.
  14. Simba was walking too slowly so I told him to Mufasa
  15. I used to sell computer parts but then I lost my drive.
  16. The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
  17. Gravity jokes are getting old but I fall for them every time.
  18. Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? She’d mislaid them. 
  19. Do people who climb the world’s highest mountain ever rest?
  20. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
  21. I tried to make a belt out of watches but it was a waist of time.
  22. If a priest blesses an avocado does it become Holy Guacamole?
  23. I used to be a transplant surgeon but my heart just wasn’t in it.
  24. Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.
  25. England doesn’t have a kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.
  26. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
  27. I was going to look for my missing watch but I couldn’t find the time. 
  28. I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
  29. Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
  30. BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes in France. Nothing left but de Brie!
  31. Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work. There were red flags everywhere.
  32. I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
  33. Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Please share this post with your friends:

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When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2022. All Rights Reserved.

37 Clever one-liners guaranteed to get your friends laughing

Clever one-linersYou may not be a stand-up comedian dear reader but, if you’re anything like me, I’m sure you like to have a few clever one-liners up your sleeve ready to amuse your friends.

It’s always useful to have a few good one-liner jokes in your back pocket, wouldn’t you agree?

Certainly, a funny joke never fails to break the ice in social situations. That’s why I collect them in my journal.

And I was asked recently would I go through my collection and share a few more with readers. So today I’ve done that just for you.

Next time you’re at a loss for words, then try out one or two of these clever one-liners and watch how your popularity grows.

Enjoy them all and then share them with your friends.

Clever one-liners:

  1. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  2. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  3. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
  4. Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  5. I want patience – AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  6. Today’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  7. If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
  8. Despite the cost of living, it remains popular.
  9. What’s worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.
  10. I used to have a handle on life but then it broke.
  11. Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!
  12. If talk is cheap, why is hiring a lawyer so expensive?
  13. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  14. My math teacher called me average. Which I think is mean.
  15. The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it is on my list.
  16. Every organisation will get results consistent with its design.
  17. Red meat’s not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat’s bad for you.
  18. I used to have an hourglass figure but then the sand shifted.
  19. If at first you don’t succeed, you can always redefine success.
  20. Why do bees hum? Because they can’t remember the lyrics.
  21. If everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
  22. Listen, girl, you know what this dress is made of? Boyfriend material.
  23. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  24. A giant fly attacked the police station. They had to call a SWAT team.
  25. If you’ve got a clear conscience, you’ve probably got a bad memory too.
  26. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t
  27. If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?
  28. Living on Earth may be expensive but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  29. They say money can’t buy happiness but it’s just bought me this Happy Meal.
  30. Drive with excessive speed and you won’t need to worry about your cholesterol.
  31. Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
  32. When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I reminded him that he said he didn’t hire stupid people.
  33. Any married person should forget their mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
  34. The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
  35. When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember that the fire department usually uses water.
  36. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. Trouble is, they’re usually married to each other.
  37. What’s the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairy tale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…’

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed this post dear reader then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that could be your good deed for the day.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2022. All Rights Reserved.

How to make an impression : Job Interview Tips

Job Interview TipsAs the old saying goes, you only get one chance to make a good first impression.

These days hiring managers are spoilt for choice when interviewing for any job regarded as a decent opportunity. In fact, unless the job is a real stinker, they’ll usually get hundreds of applicants.

True they won’t interview them all but they’ll interview enough for it to be important for you to make a memorable impression on them if you’re to have any chance at all.

Good candidates will know this and make sure they’ve researched job interview tips beforehand.

So dear reader, if you’ve found this page via a search engine, are you looking for some job interview tips?

If you’ve got a job interview anytime soon then naturally you’ll want a few pointers on how to perform to the best of your ability. You’ll not only want to showcase your skills but also leave an impression on the interviewer that lasts long after you’ve left the interview room.

Don’t forget though, the impression you leave can be a good one but it can also be a bad one. And leaving a bad one is the last thing you want to do, assuming you really want the job.

The embedded video offers some useful job interview tips, making its points with irony. The video made me smile and I hope it brightens your day too.

How to make an impression:

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Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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21 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

witty one-linersNow, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today I offer you 21 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

Witty One-Liners:

  1. I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
  2. If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. ~Ian Smith
  3. Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
  4. As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
  5. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  6. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  7. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  8. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  9. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
  10. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, Ah well, you only live once. ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  11. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
  12. If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
  13. People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
  14. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be? ~Paul McCaffrey
  15. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
  17. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
  18. What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, Two or three. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed ~Josie Long
  19. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  20. Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
  21. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

21 witty one-linersPlease share this post with your friends:

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21 Clever One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Smile

Clever One-LinersI love funny and clever one-liners and over time I collect them in a journal. And when I’ve got enough I like to share them with readers. Anything that makes readers smile always results in a great reaction.

So today I offer you my latest collection, which I think are all very clever one-liners.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to identify the original authors, so I must classify them all as Author Unknown.

However, I’d be happy to add acknowledgements to each individual quote where readers are able to enlighten me accordingly.

So if you know who wrote them originally then please do let me know.

I’m sharing these clever one-liners with you because I am confident they’ll make you smile dear reader.

Certainly, they all made me smile, so I do hope you enjoy them too.

Clever One-liners:

  1. Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
  2. Arguing with your wife is unwise. Even if you win you lose.
  3. I can keep secrets, of course. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
  4. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  5. When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
  6. Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
  7. My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
  8. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
  9. You can’t make me do what you want me to do, you’re not my cat.
  10. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  11. The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.
  12. If you take away looks, money, intelligence, charm and success, there’s no difference between me and George Clooney.
  13. I really hate it when people ask for likes on social media. Like if you agree!
  14. You know you’re fat when you step on a ‘speak your weight’ scale and it says “one at a time please”.
  15. When I was at school 52% of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other 38%.
  16. My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my television.
  17. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 siblings but they didn’t know either.
  18. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
  19. I got called pretty yesterday and it felt really good. Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying” but I like to focus on the positive.
  20. You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t return then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
  21. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

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So did these clever one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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5 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today or any day

Funniest JokesIf you’ve been searching for the funniest jokes then I’m sure you’ll enjoy the five I have on offer here. They all made me laugh and I hope you enjoy them. too, dear reader.

And if you do enjoy them, don’t forget to pass them on. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So, thank you.

Funniest Jokes:

1. Fred & Ginger dining out:

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining out in a very swanky, five-star New York City hotel and they’d both made a point of dressing for the occasion.

Ginger looked absolutely stunning in her ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred arrived in his trademark top hat, white tie and tails. They both looked like the million-dollar movie stars they were.

All was going well with dinner until they got to dessert. While serving dessert the clumsy waiter managed to trip and Fred was showered from head to toe in treacle pudding.

Oh, I’m most terribly sorry, Mr Astaire,” said the waiter.

Fred was not amused. “So you ought to be,” he said angrily.

Fred sat there fuming as the waiter tried his best to assist.

Look at the state of me now,” said Fred. “I’ve pudding on my top hat; pudding on my white tie; and pudding on my tails.

2. Church on Sunday:

Leaving church one Sunday Bernadette said to her husband Frank, “Do you think Mrs O’Shaughnessy is dying her hair?

To be honest Bernadette, I didn’t even notice Mrs O’Shaughnessy,” Frank responded.

They walked together quietly for a few moments and then Bernadette remarked, “Did you see that skirt Mrs Kilkenny was wearing? Now don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate for a 40-year-old mother of six.

I’m afraid I didn’t really notice Mrs Kilkenny either,” said Frank.

Huh!” Bernadette responded dismissively. “A lot of good it does you going to church on Sundays.

3. The will reading:

A lawyer was reading out the will of a wealthy man to his family and everyone mentioned in the document.

To my loving wife Mary, my rock and without whom my life would have been very different, I leave the mansion in Bel-Air and $20 million,” the lawyer read out loud.

He paused momentarily for his audience to digest this information and then he continued reading.

To my darling daughter Louisa who supported me so much when my health began to fail and never once complained, I leave my business, my yacht and $1 million,” said the lawyer.

Again he paused momentarily to allow this information to sink in.

The lawyer then continued reading the final section of the will, “And to my brother Neville who argued with me constantly, hated my guts and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Neville!

4. Engine trouble:

While cruising at 35,000 feet, the aircraft suddenly shuddered violently.

One passenger looked out of the window and then shouted, “Oh my God! One of the engines has just blown up.

The passengers were white with fear when moments later the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as an engine on the opposite side exploded.

Passengers started to panic and the cabin crew struggled to keep order.

However, just then the Captain strode confidently from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing about which they should be alarmed.

Reassured by the Captain’s calm manner, passengers returned to their seats and he coolly walked over to the aircraft’s door.

He then grabbed several packages from under the seats near the door and started handing them to the rest of the crew.

Crew members immediately fastened these packages to their backs.

One observant passenger said, “Hey, aren’t they parachutes?

Yes,” said the Captain.

But you said there was no need to be alarmed,” the passenger responded.

There isn’t,” replied the Captain as a third engine suddenly exploded. “We’re going to get help.

5. Cashflow problem at the zoo:

A zoo was experiencing serious cash flow problems due to visitor numbers falling.

The zoo’s management got together to discuss how they could reverse the trend by introducing a major attraction.

Following the meeting, the manager persuaded a visitor, who was a very big, stocky man, to take a job dressing up in a gorilla costume and masquerading as a great ape.

This deception worked well as the man really threw himself into the role with enthusiasm; devouring buckets of bananas, swinging from branches, pacing his cage menacingly, beating his chest and roaring loudly.

However one day he went a bit too far and he accidentally fell into the lion’s enclosure next door.

Panicking, the bogus gorilla started shouting, “Help! Help!

The lion let out a tremendous roar, and then rushed at him. He put his paw on the bogus gorilla’s chest and growled, “Shut up buddy, or we’ll both lose our jobs!

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50 corny dad jokes that are all full groan

corny-dad-jokesDo you enjoy corny dad jokes, dear reader? Those that make you groan but also have a way of making us smile too.

Well, today I’ve got 50 dad jokes which I hope you’ll enjoy.

I’m confident that there’s enough here to raise a smile or two.

So, enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Corny Dad Jokes (1-10):

  1. I can’t stop binge-watching fishing shows. I’m just hooked on reel life.
  2. Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants is a wife who told him which pants to wear.
  3. I heard a story this morning about a chameleon that couldn’t change colour. Apparently, it had reptile dysfunction.
  4. Why do people use a big word when a diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the task admirably?
  5. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. Apparently, he acquired his size from too much pi.
  6. BREAKING NEWS: A nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using her mother’s moisturizer which makes you look 10 years younger.
  7. At the boss’s funeral, a disgruntled employee walked up close to the casket and whispered, “So, who’s thinking outside the box now, Mr Whitaker?”
  8. In Jamaica, a steak pie will cost you around $4. In Trinidad and Barbados, similar pies will cost you around $3. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
  9. I was shocked when my son started chewing electrical cables, so I grounded him. That seems to have worked because currently, he’s conducting himself properly.
  10. In a Catholic convent school, children were lining up in the cafeteria for lunch. There was a large pile of apples at the head of the table. A note above the pile read, “Take only ONE! God is watching you.” At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies on a tray. Above this pile, some joker had placed his owned handwritten note, which read, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Corny Dad Jokes (11-20):

  1. I’ve just seen a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit. It was a Lamb Bikini.
  2. I had a job working as an elevator operator but I quit. There were just too many ups and downs.
  3. My ambition was to be a Hollywood lighting director but it turns out that I wasn’t bright enough.
  4. I’ve just had my pet frog’s DNA tested. The result suggests he’s part English, part German and a tad Pole.
  5. I tried growing blueberries and raspberries in the snow but it proved to be a completely fruitless endeavour.
  6. My boss asked me why I only ever get sick on workdays. I explained to him that I had a weekend immune system.
  7. How do you tell the gender of an ant? Simple! Drop it in water and if it sinks, then it’s girl ant. And if it floats, it’s boy ant.
  8. I’ve just heard that in Memphis there’s a new line of Elvis-themed steakhouses. Apparently, they’re aimed at people who love meat tender.
  9. My dad told me that I must work until my bank balance looks like a phone number. Well, this morning I finally got there. My current balance is $911.
  10. A wife was so mad with her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out. “I hope your life is miserable and I hope you die a long, slow, painful death,” she said. “Make up your mind,” he responded. “Should I stay or should I go?”

Corny Dad Jokes (21-30):

  1. I had a date last night and I really enjoy it. Tonight I might try a fig.
  2. Why do the French eat snails? It’s because they don’t like fast food.
  3. If cannibals eat a missionary, will that give them a taste for religion?
  4. If a dog gives birth to puppies on the sidewalk, will it be cited for littering?
  5. You may know where the Big Apple is but do you know where Minneapolis?
  6. I’ve been playing silent tennis. It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.
  7. When I arrived at the gates of the Drug Rehab Centre there was a sign that read, “Keep off the Grass.”
  8. The World Tongue Twister champion has been arrested. I’m sure he’ll be getting a very tough sentence.
  9. I hear that engineers have just made a car that runs on parsley. If only they could make a bus that runs on thyme.
  10. A young police officer named Philip was so good at his job that within a year or two he was voted Police Officer of the year. Naturally, he was thrilled that all his hard work had been recognized. However, very quickly he noticed that his colleagues, his family, his friends and even the preacher at his local church started asking him questions about life, relationships and so on. He started to feel a little awkward about this, given that he’d not had any special training that qualifies him to answer such questions. So he shared his concern with his wife, who smiled at him and said, “Honey, everyone in town knows you’re an award-winning Phil officer.

Corny Dad Jokes (31-40):

  1. Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He couldn’t resistor.
  2. I wish I could stop telling airport jokes but my doctor says it’s terminal.
  3. Did you hear the joke about margarine? On second thoughts, I’d butter not tell it.
  4. I told my wife I want to be cremated and she’s made an appointment for me next Friday.
  5. My wife told me I was getting fat. “Look, dear,” I said. “I can’t help it. I’ve had a lot on my plate lately.”
  6. We took our kids to the zoo last week. We’re going back at the weekend to see how well they’ve settled in.
  7. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. I’m not sure what they saw in each other. Their kids weren’t much to look at either.
  8. When I see the names of young lovers carved in a tree, I’m always puzzled as to why anyone feels the need to take a knife on a date.
  9. A customer walks into a jewellery store and says, “I want to buy a watch, please.” The clerk smiles and says, “Certainly sir, analog? To which the customer replies, “No, just the watch please.”
  10. A snail walks into a Porsche dealership and buys a 911 Turbo. After finalizing all the options the snail says, “And I want a big letter S on the hood and one on each of the doors too, please.” The salesman looked at him, slightly puzzled and asked, “Why, when your name’s Bill?” The snail smiles in response and then says, “Because when I open her up on the freeway, I want everyone to say, Boy, look at that S-car go!”

Corny Dad Jokes (41-45):

  1. Is there a more terrifying moment than when you’re a guest in someone’s house and the toilet refuses to flush after your morning Number 2?
  2. The teacher asked her class to use the word symmetry in a sentence. First up was little Johnny and his response was, “When you die you’re buried in a symmetry.”
  3. I went into KFC with my young son and I asked the lady for a kid’s meal with a leg. “Which side?” she asked. Thinking momentarily, I then said, “Does it make any difference whether it’s the right or the left?” When she stopped laughing, she said, “No honey, which side would you like to go with the leg? Mashed potato or wedges?”
  4. Now I’ve been in many places over the years, but I’ve never been in cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I must admit, I’ve never been incognito either. It seems no one recognizes you there. However, I have been insane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips, so far.
  5. A court jester was forever making terrible puns which the king found increasingly irritating. He’d expressed his displeasure to the jester on a number of occasions but the terrible puns just kept on coming, so the king sentenced him to be hanged. On the evening of the day before the planned hanging, the King visited the jester in his cell and said that, if the jester promised to change his ways, he would be pardoned. “Oh thank you, your majesty,” said the jester. “No noose is good noose!” The jester was hung at sunrise.

Corny Dad Jokes (46-50):

  1. Corny Dad JokesThe principal from my son’s school phoned and said that he’s always being a nuisance in class. “He’s always being a nuisance at home too,” I responded. “But do I ever call you?”
  2. I asked my wife to help me put up some posts in the ground for our new fence. As I was holding a post in place, I gave her a sledgehammer and said, “When I nod my head, hit it.” After that, I don’t remember much.
  3. Whilst out walking my dog, I met a man in the park. During our conversation, he told me about his four new rescue chickens. He really made me smile when he told me he’d called them Hen Solo, Jabba the Cluck, Obi-Hen Kenobi and Princess layer.
  4. A piece of rope walked into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind!” The rope went outside, tied itself into a knot and then started fraying the edges. The rope then went back into the bar only for the bartender to say, “Weren’t you in here earlier?” The rope replied, “No! I’m a frayed knot.”
  5. Jane had been visiting her husband in jail. Before leaving she spoke with one of the correction officers and complained about how hard he was being worked. “He’s exhausted,” she said. The officer smiled and said, “Mam, you’ve got to be joking. He just eats, sleeps and stays in his cell all day.” Jane thinks momentarily and then says, “Well that can’t be right. He’s just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months.”

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If any of these corny dad jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

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