10 Best Jokes You’ll Read Today

BEST JOKESLooking for some of the best jokes you can find, dear reader?

Then take a look at these 10 little gems that I’ve curated today, just for you.

I do hope you enjoy them all.

And, if you do, please feel free to share them

Best Jokes:

1. Honest assessment:

Despite appearing to be good citizens, Jack and Jim were brothers who’d lived their lives on the wrong side of the law, and both could be deeply unpleasant when they had to be.

However, they’d both amassed great wealth and they used their money to hide their criminal ways from the public eye. They even both attended St Patrick’s Church to make themselves look virtuous within the local community.

Eventually, the parish priest retired, and a new priest joined the church.

The new priest, Father O’Malley was a clever man, and he wasn’t fooled when it came to Jack and Jim. He could see the brothers for what they were. He was also a man who was both honest and forthright with his views.

Father O’Malley’s honesty with parishioners was appreciated within the community and very quickly attendance at the church started to grow.

Before long a fund-raising campaign had to be started for repairs to the church roof.

Around this time, Jack passed away suddenly.

In making the funeral arrangements, Jim approached Father O’Malley and said he’d like to pay for the church roof in memory of his brother.

I’ve just one condition,” said Jim. “When reading the eulogy, you must begin by saying that my brother was a saint. As long as you say that the money’s yours.

Well, the church roof was in desperate need of repair, so naturally, Father O’Malley agreed.

I will say he’s a saint,” said the normally candid Father O’Malley, and with that, he took Jim’s money.

A week later at the funeral, after some prayers and a hymn, Father O’Malley stood up to read the eulogy.

Dearly beloved we’re gathered here today to reflect on Jack’s life”, Father O’Malley began. “Jack was a saint,” he said and then paused momentarily.

Well, he was when compared with his brother,” Father O’Malley continued. “Beyond that, he was a deeply unpleasant man who cheated on his wife, abused his family and robbed and swindled many people out of their hard-earned money.”

2. On the beach:

Mary was a grandmother who’d taken her grandson Oliver to the beach.

She was sitting reading as Oliver was playing in the sand.

Suddenly, a huge wave crashed onto the shore and, as it receded, it carried Oliver out to sea.

Well, Mary was distraught, naturally.

She looked up to the heavens with her hands together, as if in prayer, and said, “Please God, save my only grandson. I beg you! My life would have no meaning without him. Please bring him back.”

Well, as she said that another wave crashed onto the shore and young Oliver was washed back up on the sand. He was fine and no harm had come to him.

However, Mary raised her eyes to the heavens once again and said, “He was wearing a hat!

3. No hiding place:

Two guys, Pete and Bill, find themselves standing in line at the Pearly Gates, waiting to see whether they’ll be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven.

Well, the line is long, so naturally, they start talking to each other, as they wait their turn.

Pete asked Bill how he’d died.

I was frozen to death,” said Bill. “How about you?

I had a heart attack,” said Pete.

Wow! So, how did that happen?” asked Bill.

Well, to be honest, I suspected my wife was cheating on me,” Pete responded. “So, I made sure I got home early from work. I ran upstairs only to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the places around the house I thought her lover could be hiding. And as I was running back up the stairs again, I had a heart attack.

Wow, that really is ironic,” said Bill.

Why?” asked Pete.

Well, if only you’d looked in the freezer, said Bill, “then neither of us would be here now.

4. The worm experiment:

Miss Benes stood in front of her 4th Grade class and welcomed the children to their science lesson.

She then took four glasses and filled them respectively with brandy, wine, beer, and water.

She waited momentarily to give the children a chance to think about what she was doing. Then she distributed four worms, one into each of the glasses.

With that, she explained to the children that they would leave the glasses overnight and observe the results the following morning.

The following morning, she gathered the children together again to observe the state of the glasses.

When they looked, all the worms had died, except the one in the glass filled with water.

Right, children,” said Miss Benes. “What can we learn from the results of this experiment with the worms?

From the back of the class, little Johnny’s hand shot up, immediately.

Well, Miss,” said little Johnny, “It’s obvious from the experiment that if we only drink brandy, wine or beer, then we won’t get worms!

5. Visit to the doctor:

Jeff goes to see his doctor.

What seems to be the problem?” asks Dr Wilson.

Well, I’m not quite sure how best to describe it, doctor,” Jeff responds. “It might be easier if you hold your stethoscope to my thigh and just listen.

Dr Wilson is slightly puzzled by this suggestion, but he complies with Jeff’s request.

However, when he holds his stethoscope to Jeff’s thigh, he can hear a little voice saying, “Hey man, can I borrow $20? I just need $20 to get me to the end of the week.”

Dr Wilson steps back with a puzzled look on his face.

Right,” says Jeff, “now hold your stethoscope to my knee.”

Once again, the doctor does as he’s asked.

This time he can hear the same little voice saying, “Hey man, can I borrow $10? I just need $10 to get me to the end of the week.

Once again, Dr Wilson steps back with a puzzled look on his face.

Jeff looks at him and says, “That’s weird, isn’t it, doctor? Now take a listen to my shin.

Again, the doctor does as Jeff asks and he hears the same little voice saying, “Hey man, can I borrow $2? I just need $2 to get me to the end of the week.

Once again, Dr Wilson steps back with a puzzled look on his face. He thinks momentarily and then the answer dawns on him.

Ah, now I see,” says Dr Wilson.” Your problem is obvious. Your leg is broke in three places.

6. Polar bear pun:

A polar bear couple, Nanook and Mishka, are relaxing in the vast tundra in northern Canada.

They are starting to get a bit bored when Nanook has an idea.

When Mishka isn’t looking, Nanook flicks her ear and then starts running away yelling: “You’re too slow, Mishka, you can’t catch me!

Naturally, Mishka is annoyed, and she starts chasing Nanook.

Nanook keeps running away, whilst still taunting Mishka, “Oh, you’re so slow, you wouldn’t even be able to catch my grandma!

Mishka is getting even more annoyed, so she keeps chasing Nanook.

This goes on for a while until Nanook arrives at the frozen lake. Looking back, he yells, “You’re slow and fat, Mishka. You wouldn’t even be able to get out on this lake!

At this point, Mishka really has had enough. Finally, she yells, “Careful Nanook, you’re on thin ice!

7. An early lesson:

Little Johnny comes crying to his mom.

What’s the matter, Johnny?” asks mom.

Mom, Lindy pulled my hair,” Johnny responds.

Oh, Johnny,” says his mom. “Don’t be angry. Your little sister doesn’t realise that pulling hair hurts.

A short while later, mom hears more crying, so she investigates.

She realises it’s her daughter crying, and she heads for her bedroom, only to meet little Johnny walking out of the door.

Little Johnny looks at his mom and then says, “Right, she knows now!

8. Confession:

A Jewish guy goes into a confessional box at St Brendan’s Church.

Father O’Driscoll,” he says, “I’m Yossi Cohen and I’m seventy-eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently enjoying lovemaking with both a twenty-eight-year-old girl and her nineteen-year-old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.

Well, I know that people have their needs,” said Father O’Driscoll in response, “but surely, as a Jewish man, you’ve come to the wrong place? Why are you telling me?

I’m telling everybody!” Yossi Cohen responded with a beaming smile.

9. Getting even:

Jim was the CEO of a major corporation, so naturally, he was a man with a big ego.

Anyway, his busy lifestyle catches up with him and he finds himself spending some time in the hospital.

Well, he becomes very unpopular with the nurses, as he bosses them around as he does with his employees. Nothing’s good enough for him, and so none of the hospital staff wants to have anything to do with him.

Now, the head nurse is a wily old bird who’s dealt with plenty of difficult patients in her time.

Recognising he’s becoming a pain in the ass for her team, she decides to act.

She walks into his room and says to him, “Right sir, I have to take your temperature.

Well, Jim’s not happy, as it’s inconvenient, given he’s busy responding to business emails on his iPhone.

He spends several minutes complaining, but the head nurse is having none of it.

Sir, I’m sorry but it has to be done and it has to be done now,” says the head nurse.

Eventually, Jim gives in and opens his mouth in compliance.

No sir, I’m sorry,” says the head nurse, “but for this reading, I have to use an anal thermometer.

Once again, Jim started complaining, but eventually, he could see he wasn’t getting anywhere, so he rolled over and bared his ass.

He felt the nurse insert the thermometer, then he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!

With that she left his room, leaving the door open on her way out.

Jim curses under his breath as he can hear people walking past his door and laughing. After about an hour, his doctor arrives.

What’s going on here?” asks the doctor.

Angrily, Jim responds, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?

After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, of course, but not with a daffodil!

10. The circus opportunity:

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a club sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, “Hold on a minute! You’re a duck.”

Well, your eyes are working then,” the duck responds with a smile.

And you can talk!” the bartender continues.

Your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and sandwich please?

Certainly!” says the bartender. With that, he serves the duck a beer.

It’s just that we’ve never had a duck in this bar before,” the bartender continues. “What are you doing round this way?

You see that building being built across the street?” the duck responds, pointing towards the window.

The bartender nods in response.

Well, I’m working on that project,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

Well, the bartender is struggling to comprehend what he’s just heard but he takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

The duck sits quietly drinking his beer, eating his sandwich, and reading his newspaper. When he’s finished, he bids farewell to the bartender and leaves.

The same thing happens every day for the next two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The circus ringmaster walks into the bar for a drink and the bartender says to him “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper, and everything!

That sounds interesting,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Ask him to give me a call.”

The very next day, the duck walks into the bar and the bartender says, “Hey buddy, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.

Well, I’m always looking for new opportunities,” says the duck. “What is this job?”

It’s with the circus,” says the bartender.

The circus?” the duck responds quizzically.

That’s right,” replies the bartender.

The circus?” the duck asks again. “That place with the big tent?

Yeah, that’s right,” says the bartender.

With animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?” the duck continued.

Yes, of course,” the bartender replies.

With a tent that’s made from canvas, with a big canvas roof and a hole in the middle?” the duck persists.

Yeah, that’s right!” says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head, looking slightly bewildered, and then asks, “What the hell would they want with a plasterer?

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