23 amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld to brighten your day

amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Photo by Alan Light

Today I’ve put together some amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld.

Most readers will know that Jerry Seinfeld is an American comedian and probably best known as the star of the successful US sitcom Seinfeld, in which he played a semi-fictionalized version of himself.

Much more than this, Jerry Seinfeld is a hugely successful actor, writer, producer, and director.

As a stand-up comedian, he specializes in observational comedy, which I love, and I would rate him as one of the best comedians of all time.

So take a moment or two to enjoy all of these amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld, and if you like them then please pass them on.

Amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld:

  1. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
  2. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
  3. Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
  4. The IRS! They’re like the Mafia. They can take anything they want!
  5. My theory is that 98 per cent of all human endeavour is killing time.
  6. I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.
  7. To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.
  8. Make no mistake about why these babies are here. They’re here to replace us.
  9. That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
  10. My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
  11. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.
  12. A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
  13. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’ 
  14. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  15. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not colour, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
  16. Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
  17. The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‘Bye!’
  18. Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
  19. Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That’s when you know the most, you’ve seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.
  20. We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
  21. I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything, which as you know always leads to something, cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
  22. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’ 
  23. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. 

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