Roy Sutton, Author at Roy Sutton

3 funny jokes to tell your friends to make them laugh

01/29/2022 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends then look no further. Here are three little gems that are guaranteed to raise a smile.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. Challenging times:

When Jim arrived home one day, he was met at his front door by his wife, Elaine. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

“What’s the matter, honey?” asked Jim.

“It’s the pharmacist,” Elaine responded. “He insulted me terribly when I spoke with him on the phone earlier.”

Naturally, Jim drove downtown immediately to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before Jim could say more than a few words the pharmacist interrupted him.

“Sir, please just listen to my side of the story first,” said the pharmacist.

“Go on then, I’m listening,” said Jim sharply.

“Well, this morning,” said the pharmacist, “my alarm failed to go off and so I was late getting up. I missed breakfast and hurried to my car. However, as I slammed my front door, I then realised that it had locked with the keys to the house and the car inside. So, I had to break a window to get back in the house to get my keys.”

“But how does that explain the way you spoke to my wife,” asked Jim.

“Sir, I’m getting to that,” said the pharmacist. “Naturally, having broken a window, I had to board it up before I left. That made me even later. So, I was speeding in my car, in an attempt to make up the time, but a cop stopped me and I got a speeding ticket. Then three blocks from my store I got a flat tire.”

“So, you were unfortunate, so what?” Jim responds.

“I lost more time changing the wheel on my car,” the pharmacist continued, “and then when I got to my store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open. They were unhappy but I served them as quickly as I could, despite their moaning at me, and all the time the phone was ringing off the hook.”

“Fine, but how does that explain your treatment of my wife,” asks Jim.

“Well, the pressure didn’t end there,” the pharmacist continued. “To give a customer change, I had to break a roll of nickels but they spilt out of my hands, all over the floor. I get down on my knees to pick up all the nickels and the phone is still ringing. Then, I’m getting up off my knees only to crack my head on the open cash register. I then fell backwards against I showcase of expensive perfume bottles. They all hit the floor and there was glass smashed everywhere. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing.”

“So, what did you do then,” asked Jim.

“Well, finally, I had no choice but to answer the phone,” said the pharmacist. “It was your wife and she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And I can honestly say mister, all I did was tell her!”

2. Misunderstanding:

My wife and I were all dressed up and ready to go out for an evening of dinner and theatre. However, having been burgled previously, naturally, we were security conscious. So we turned on a night light and put our cat out in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we were walking out of our front door when our cat Milly shot back in again and ran up the stairs.

Unfortunately, Milly liked to chase our pet parakeet, so the two of them couldn’t be left alone in the house together.

So, my wife went back into the house to catch the cat and put it back outside again.

Naturally, security-conscious as ever, I didn’t want the cab driver to know our house would be empty, so I told him that my wife had just gone inside momentarily to say good night to her mother.

A few minutes later my wife got into the cab looking very hot and bothered.

“Sorry, it took so long,” she said. “The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then she tried to take off again, so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. So, she’d better not crap on my vegetable garden whilst we’re out!”

The look on the cab driver’s face was priceless.

3. Communication breakdown:

Judge Bernstein was interviewing an elderly lady regarding her pending divorce.

“So, Mrs Thompson,” said Judge Bernstein, “what are the grounds for your divorce?“

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by,” replied Mrs Thompson.

“No,” he said the judge, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?“

“Oh,” Mrs Thompson responded, “it’s made of wood, slate, brick and mortar.”

“No, no,” said the judge, “I mean, what are your relations like?“

“Well,” she Mrs Thompson, “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my husband.“

“Mrs Thompson, do you have a real grudge?” the judge asked warily.

“No, your honour,” replied Mrs Thompson. “We have a two-car carport.”

The judge tried once again, “Please, Mrs Thompson, is there any infidelity in your marriage?“

“Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “Both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”

“Mam, please,” said the judge. “Does your husband ever beat you up?“

“Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “He gets up earlier than I do on Saturdays when he’s playing golf.“

Finally, the judge cannot contain his frustration any longer.

“Lady, why do you want a divorce?” he asks.

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” Mrs Thompson replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can’t communicate with me!“

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Did you enjoy these funny jokes to tell your friends? Were they as funny as you’d hoped they would be, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I’ll be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

3 funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two

01/28/2022 by Roy Sutton

Here are three very funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two today.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny jokes for everyone:

1. The subtle art of getting even:

Seventeen-year-old Brandon arrived home one day driving a fabulous Porsche 917K sports car.

Naturally, for his parents witnessing his arrival, this was a jaw-dropping moment.

“Where the hell did you get that car, Brandon?” asks his father. “Did you steal it?”

“No, Dad,” replies Brandon. “I bought it.”

“Brandon,” says his mother, “a car like that would cost in excess of $10 million. How could you possibly have bought it?”

“Oh, mum, you’re exaggerating,” says Brandon. “It only cost me fifteen dollars.”

“Fifteen dollars!” exclaims his father. “Who’d be mad enough to sell you a car like that for fifteen dollars?”

“It was Mrs Jones who lives in that large mansion on my paper route,” replies Brandon. “She saw me on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

Well, Brandon’s mother and father felt compelled to pay Mrs Jones a visit.

When Mrs Jones answered the knock on her door, Brandon’s father was quick with his questions, “Why would you sell my son a classic sports car for fifteen dollars? What the hell is going on?”

“It’s very simple, really,” Mrs Jones replied. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. He told me he’d decided to run off for a new life in Hawaii with his secretary. He said he wasn’t coming back and he asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

2. Senior moment:

Betty, an elderly Florida lady, had been doing her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

Being the feisty lady that she was, she dropped her shopping to the floor and then grabbed a Smith & Wesson 5906 from her purse and shouted as loud as she could, “Yes, I’m armed; yes, it’s loaded; and yes, I know how to use it! Get out of the car punks!”

The four young men could see that this wasn’t a lady to be messed with, so they got out of the car and ran like hell.

Feisty as she was, naturally, Betty was still a little shaken by her experience and the adrenaline was definitely pumping through her veins.

She loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car, and then she got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she couldn’t get her key into the ignition.

Well, she tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason that she was suddenly wondering why was there a football, a Frisbee and two 6-packs of beer on the rear seat?

Suddenly, it dawned on her that her own car was actually located seven spaces farther along the parking line.

“Oh dear!” she exclaimed to herself

So, she transferred her shopping into her own car and then she drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four very pale young men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, curly white hair, who was armed and dangerous.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story: If you’re going to have a senior moment, make it memorable.

3. Medical cover:

Jim was out shopping in his local mall one day.

He’s browsing in a store when suddenly he suffers a serious heart attack.

Naturally, as soon as the clerks see Jim collapse on the floor, they called 911.

Within minutes paramedics are on the scene and Jim’s rushed to the nearest hospital, where he undergoes emergency open-heart, bypass surgery.

A few hours later, Jim is awakened from his surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

Sister Philomena, a young nun, is seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.

“Sir,” says Sister Philomena. “I know this is a difficult moment for you but I need to ask you, who is going to pay for your treatment? Do you have health insurance?”

“No mam, I don’t have any health insurance,” Jim responds, almost whispering.

“Well then, do you have any money in the bank?” asks Sister Philomena.

“No mam, I don’t have any money in the bank either,” Jim responds, once again, in an almost inaudible whisper.

Starting to get a little concerned, Sister Philomena asks, “Do you have any relatives who could help you with the payments?“

“Well, I only have a spinster sister but she’s a nun,” Jim responds.

Sister Philomena is really irritated by this insensitive comment and she announces loudly, for everyone to hear, “Sir, nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!”

“Well then, that’s perfect,” says Jim. “You’ll be able to send the bill to my brother-in-law.“

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Did you enjoy these funny jokes for everyone? Were they as funny as you’d hoped they would be, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I’ll be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

21 Quotes by Boris Johnson and I love the first one

01/27/2022 by Roy Sutton

He’s undoubtedly one of the most colourful characters in British politics, so I thought it would be interesting to take a look at some quotes by Boris Johnson.

He’s always been a controversial character and he’s probably loved and loathed in equal measure. However, he’s not a man easily ignored. Certainly, he can be relied upon occasionally to offer us a memorable quote.

So here are 21 quotes by Boris Johnson and my particular favourite is definitely No 1. I’m sure when it comes to cake we’re all pro-having-it and pro-eating it.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Quotes by Boris Johnson (1-7):

My policy on cake is pro-having-it and pro-eating it.
It is easy to make promises. It is hard work to keep them.
I lead a life of blameless domesticity and always have done.
I am supporting David Cameron purely out of cynical self-interest.
Never in my life did I think I would be congratulated by Mick Jagger for achieving anything.
I am hoping very much to get re-elected but it is going to be a tough fight.
I’ve always sort of thought that politics was a high and noble calling and a good thing to do.

Quotes by Boris Johnson (1-14):

The dreadful truth is that when people come to see their MP they have run out of better ideas.
It would be a sad day if we British stopped being cynical, but you sometimes wonder whether we overdo it.
I have more in common with a three-toed sloth or a one-eyed pterodactyl or a Kalamata olive than I have with Winston Churchill.
My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.
I’m not particularly politically correct, so I tend to reflect what I think are the terrible realities of life, which I think are, generally speaking, conservative.
If we judged everybody by the stupid, unguarded things they blurt out to their nearest and dearest, then we wouldn’t ever get anywhere.
I love tennis with a passion. I challenged Boris Becker to a match once and he said he was up for it but he never called back. I bet I could make him run around.

Quotes by Boris Johnson (15-21):

What I really think about Banksy is I think he’s a genius; he’s a great artist, and I like his stuff. But he’s got to accept it if, from time to time, someone will need to paint over his work.
There is absolutely no one, apart from yourself, who can prevent you, in the middle of the night, from sneaking down to tidy up the edges of that hunk of cheese at the back of the fridge.
The beauty and riddle in studying the motives of any politician are in trying to decide what is idealism, and what is self-interest, and often we are left to conclude that the answer is a mixture of the two.
My speaking style was criticised by no less an authority than Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was a low moment, my friends, to have my rhetorical skills denounced by a monosyllabic Austrian cyborg.
I’m not one of those people who believes in going endlessly around finger-wagging and ticking people off for occasional colourful use of language.
It is possible to have a pretty good life and career being a leech and a parasite in the media world, gadding about from TV studio to TV studio, writing inconsequential pieces and having a good time.
It’s not reasonable for companies that have chief executives and board members who are paid very considerable sums to subsidise low pay through in-work benefits.

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21 thought-provoking quotes about fake friends

01/26/2022 by Roy Sutton

How often do you hear people say, “Oh, I have loads of friends?“

For a very lucky few that may be true. However, mostly it’s not true at all.

Almost always, real friends can be counted on the fingers of one hand with some fingers to spare.

For me, a real friend is someone I could phone at 2 am if I was in serious trouble and be absolutely confident that they’d be straight out to help me in a heartbeat.

Everyone else is just people I know with varying degrees of familiarity.

Yes, there is a wider circle of people with whom I socialise occasionally but my close friends are those people I know I can count on when the chips are down.

A lot of people we know tend to be ‘fair-weather friends‘ and some of them will be genuinely fake. There when it suits them but otherwise they care little for us at all.

So we have to learn to differentiate the real from the not so real when it comes to friends. A real friend will be walking into your life as the rest of the world is walking out.

Here are 21 thought-provoking quotes about fake friends to help you with that process.

Quotes about fake friends (1-10):

You don’t lose when you lose fake friends. ~Joan Jett
A fake friend is an enemy in disguise. ~Ellen J. Barrier
Better an honest enemy than a false friend. ~German Proverb
I didn’t lose a friend; I just realized I never had one. ~Author Unknown
Make sure the lions you roll with aren’t snakes in disguise. ~Genereux Philip
True friends cry when you leave. Fake friends leave when you cry. ~Author Unknown
Pay close attention to the people who don’t clap when you win. ~Author Unknown
Growing up means realizing a lot of your friends aren’t really your friends. ~Author Unknown
Fake friends: once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you. ~Author Unknown
The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies. ~Author Unknown

Quotes about fake friends (11-21):

Sometimes it’s not the people who change it’s the mask that falls off. ~Author Unknown
True friends will always find a way to help you. Fake friends will always find an excuse. ~Author Unknown
You never lose friends. Real ones will always stay, no matter what and the fakes, you don’t need them anyway. ~Drishti Bablani
As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have a ton of friends and more important to have real ones. ~Author Unknown
The same person that speaks highly of you will be the same person that downs you. Be careful who you call friends. ~Author Unknown
You don’t lose friends because real friends can never be lost. You lose people masquerading as friends and you’re better for it. ~Mandy Hale
A true friend cares about what’s going on in your life. A fake friend will make their problems sound bigger. Be a true friend. ~Author Unknown
An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind. ~Buddha
False friendship, like the ivy, decays and ruins the walls it embraces; but true friendship gives new life and animation to the object it supports. ~Richard Burton
I’ve got more respect for someone who comes out and says they don’t like me than for the ones who act like they do but talk bad about me when I’m not around. ~Mitchell Perry
Everybody isn’t your friend. Just because they hang around you and laugh with you doesn’t mean they’re your friends. People pretend well. At the end of the day, real situations expose fake people. So pay attention. ~Author Unknown

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Thank you.

15 Quotes by Penny Marshall to inspire you

01/25/2022 by Roy Sutton

The late film director, producer and actress Penny Marshall was a great talent and I’m sure she’s missed by all who knew her well.

Penny Marshall rose to fame in the 1970s with her role in the hit US television sitcom Laverne & Shirley.

Playing the role of Laverne DeFazio, she was funny and she created a character that has proved to be one of the standout comedy characters from the golden age of situation comedy.

If you’re not familiar with the sitcom Laverne & Shirley then there are plenty of clips available on YouTube to give you an idea of how good it was back in the day.

You might also find this ABC News tribute to Penny Marshall well worth a couple of minutes of your time:-

In recent years there has been an improvement in the availability of opportunities for women, particularly in show-business. And of course, that’s how it should be.

However, we have to admire those strong and talented women from previous generations who managed to succeed at their chosen profession, despite a system that was rigged against them. And in Penny Marshall women had a great role model.

She managed to become a successful director of films, an area of entertainment which is still heavily dominated by men to this day.

She was clearly a very smart lady. So here are 15 quotes by Penny Marshall which reflect her personal philosophy.

Quotes by Penny Marshall:

I think everyone’s mother is slightly nuts. ~Penny Marshall
My family is well and that’s what’s important. ~Penny Marshall
I want you to laugh and cry. That’s what I do. ~Penny Marshall
I wasn’t like a girly girl. I was a tomboy. ~Penny Marshall
If you’re not having a good time, find something else that gives you some joy in life. ~Penny Marshall
I have a strange combination of fearlessness and massive insecurity. ~Penny Marshall
In my opinion, life’s more important than show business. ~Penny Marshall
When I’m working, I’m obsessively working. ~Penny Marshall
I do feel it’s important to entertain people. I try to. ~Penny Marshall
The truth is that I’m not a frump. I just enjoy being laid back. ~Penny Marshall
I would much rather feel comfortable and feel beautiful than to feel uncomfortable, but look fantastic. ~Penny Marshall
Once I commit to something, I complete it. If I say ‘No,’ I mean ‘No.’ I just have to learn how to say ‘No’ more. ~Penny Marshall
I’ll try anything. What are they gonna do, kick me out of show business? ~Penny Marshall
Movie stars are insecure like everyone else. That’s why they go into acting! ~Penny Marshall
Look at YouTube, how many talented people there are. It’s a whole new world of how to express yourself. I don’t know how to work that world but take advantage of it. ~Penny Marshall

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Thank you.

25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up

01/24/2022 by Roy Sutton

Today I offer you 25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up. If you know someone in serious need of a smile or two then some of these might just make them laugh.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all and then pick the best ones and see if you can get a good laugh from your friends.

Even if it’s only a groan you get in return, it will probably lift peoples’ spirits, at the very least.

Jokes to cheer someone up: (1 – 12)

If at first you don’t succeed then don’t try skydiving.
If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?
I never like taking selfies of myself in the shower. The photos turn out blurry and I have selfie steam issues.
You should keep your voice down in cornfields because there are so many ears.
I used to be a watchmaker. I loved the job because I made my own hours.
If your guy doesn’t like fresh fruit puns, let the mango.
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.
Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen.
I tried the Vegan diet for a week but it was a huge miss steak.
Apparently you can’t use BEEFSTEW as a password because it’s not Stroganoff.
I was listening to classical music on the television but it wasn’t to my taste. Far too much sax and violins.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who became a gardener? He ended up with too much thyme on his hands.

Jokes to cheer someone up: (13 – 25)

I made a movie about diarrhoea. It’s been released everywhere.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars were all in the same bar. They didn’t planet that way.
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish. Unless you play bass, then you can play all the scales.
So many people are anti-vaccination but I think they should give it a shot.
I saw an advert in the newspaper for burial plots. I thought that’s the last thing I need.
My girlfriend bet me $100 that I couldn’t build a car from spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
I went to Mount Rushmore and I was probably the only visitor unimpressed. I just took it for granite.
Can someone recommend a better way of clearing frost from my windshield? I used a discount card but I only got 20% off.
My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl. “I didn’t know he could!” was my reply.
A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun. I was told that he’s fully recovered now.
My wife’s in hospital after eating a daffodil bulb. She’ll be out in the spring.
Lance is no longer a common name but in medieval times, men were named Lance a lot.
There’s a new GPS device designed for seniors. It tells you how to get where you want to go and then reminds you why you wanted to go there.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

21 thought-provoking quotes about change to inspire you

01/23/2022 by Roy Sutton

As the old saying goes, “Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.”

We cannot avoid change because it’s going to happen whether we like it or not.

Trying to stop it is like trying to hold back the tide. It can’t be done.

Change is simply a force of nature.

If you hate change, you’re not alone. Most people hate change. That’s perfectly natural.

Just when we think we have everything under control a significant change happens and suddenly we’re scrambling to get ourselves back to equilibrium.

Change can make life seem like a giant game of Snakes and Ladders at times.

So in today’s post, I offer 21 thought-provoking quotes about change just to underline the point.

Quotes about change (1-10):

There is nothing permanent except change. ~Heraclitus
Change is the end result of all true learning. ~Leo Buscaglia
Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change. ~Stephen Hawking
Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me. ~Carol Burnett
Just when I think I’ve learned the way to live, life changes. ~Hugh Prather
To improve is to change. To be perfect is to change often. ~Winston Churchill
The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude. ~Oprah Winfrey
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor E. Frankl
The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. ~Nathaniel Branden
You must be the change you wish to see in the world. ~Mahatma Gandhi

Quotes about change (11-21):

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world. ~Robin Williams
Change your thoughts and you change your world. ~Norman Vincent Peale
If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. ~Wayne Dyer
I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. ~Jimmy Dean
If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. ~Maya Angelou
Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. ~Barack Obama
Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. ~George Bernard Shaw
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. ~William Arthur Ward
Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future. ~John F. Kennedy
Without change, there is no innovation, creativity, or incentive for improvement. Those who initiate change will have a better opportunity to manage the change that is inevitable. ~William Pollard
So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality, nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit. ~Christopher McCandless

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21 Extracts from funny complaints letters to make you smile

01/22/2022 by Roy Sutton

Unfortunate but true, people living in social housing tend to be at the lower end of the socio-economic scale. They often have limited education, so tend to be less articulate as well. The result for local councils can be some very funny complaints letters at times.

In Britain, local councils are the focal point for the provision of social housing, and they are the main recipients for what frequently turn out to be some funny complaints letters.

To illustrate my point, here are some extracts from funny complaints letters sent to local councils in Britain. All very innocent remarks, of course, but I’m sure the housing officers receiving these letters couldn’t resist a chuckle or two.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

Funny complaints letters (1-10):

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

Funny complaints letters (11-21):

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
Will you please send a man to look at my water; it’s a funny colour and not fit to drink.
I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
The next-door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

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15 quotes by Lily Tomlin that are sharp and witty

01/21/2022 by Roy Sutton

One of the greatest American comic personalities has to be Lily Tomlin in my opinion.

Born Mary Jean Tomlin in 1939, I think she’s up there with the very best female comedians like Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller and could give any of America’s funny men a serious run for their money too.

She is in fact an actress, comedian, writer, singer and producer and has had a successful career stretching back to the 1960s.

Here are 15 quotes by Lily Tomlin to underline my point.

Quotes by Lily Tomlin:

We are all in this together, by ourselves. ~Lily Tomlin
The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. ~Lily Tomlin
I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. ~Lily Tomlin
Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. ~Lily Tomlin
Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest then we can all die laughing. ~Lily Tomlin
Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. ~Lily Tomlin
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. ~Lily Tomlin
The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~Lily Tomlin
We’re all in this alone. ~Lily Tomlin
I guess if people couldn’t profit from war I don’t think there would be war. ~Lily Tomlin
Ninety-eight per cent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two per cent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. ~Lily Tomlin
When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime, and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. ~Lily Tomlin
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ~Lily Tomlin

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23 great stay focused quotes to help you pursue success

01/20/2022 by Roy Sutton

If you don’t know exactly what you want then you’ll never get it. That much is philosophically self-evident to you I’m sure, dear reader. However, how can you know what you want?

Well if necessary keep trying stuff until you find something you really enjoy and at which you excel.

And once you’ve found something you love, stay focused on it and take it as far as you can possibly go.

That’s the way to achieve real success.

Here are 23 great stay focused quotes to help you on your way.

Stay focused quotes (1-7):

Stay focused on the mission. ~Naveen Jain
Stay focused, go after your dreams and keep moving toward your goals. ~LL Cool J
Know what you want and focus on how you’ll get it. And never, ever give up. ~Roy Sutton
Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them. ~Albert Einstein
Aim higher; stay focused. ~Brandon Adams
I always want to stay focused on who I am, even as I’m discovering who I am. ~Alicia Keys
Stay focused on your mission, remain steadfast in your pursuit of excellence, and always do the right thing. ~Mark Esper

Stay focused quotes (8-15):

Stay true to yourself, yet always be open to learning. Work hard, and never give up on your dreams, even when nobody else believes they can come true but you. These are not cliches but real tools you need no matter what you do in life to stay focused on your path. ~Phillip Sweet
Stay focused, believe that you can achieve at the highest level, surround yourself with others who believe in you, and do not stray from your goal. ~Zach Ertz
Successful people maintain a positive focus in life no matter what is going on around them. They stay focused on their past successes rather than their past failures, and on the next action steps, they need to take to get them closer to the fulfilment of their goals rather than all the other distractions that life presents to them. ~Jack Canfield
It’s a long road, so we are just trying to stay focused and grounded and keep moving forward. ~Sturgill Simpson
My key to dealing with stress is simple: just stay cool and stay focused. ~Ashton Eaton
You have to stay focused and be mentally tough. That’s what I’ve really learned: every day is a grind, and you have to go hard. ~Chris Gronkowski
Stay open-minded; stay focused. Train hard and train smart. For me, the older I get, the smarter I have to train also because the recovery time is longer. Work on everything: become a well-rounded fighter – don’t just be good at one thing; be good at everything. ~Brock Lesnar
As I get older, the more I stay focused on the acceptance of myself and others and choose compassion over judgment and curiosity over fear. ~Tracee Ellis Ross

Stay focused quotes (16-23):

The best career advice I’ve gotten is to stay focused, keep moving forward. ~Tyga
My only goal is to stay focused on my craft and make sure my life is as sharp as it can be to attack any character that is given to me. ~Michael K. Williams
I have to make sure I stay focused and have the same ambition I’ve always had and work hard – that’s the key to success. ~Romelu Lukaku
What I’ve learned is that if you stay focused and believe and actually walk the walk, anything is possible. ~Craig David
I like to stay busy, I like to stay focused, and I like to stay creative. Without being creative I’d be dead. ~Jeremy Renner
Starting a business and building a product is not for the faint of heart. You have to learn to not let little disappointments get you down and to stay focused on the big picture. ~Gillian Tans
You have to stay in the moment. Stay focused. Know what you’re going to do. ~Dave Martinez
As for the stage fright, it never goes away. When I’m waiting in the wings to go on, it’s agony every single time but I stay focused and I know that once I’m on stage it’ll be fine; I’ll be in my happy little bubble. ~Britt Ekland

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