Sarcasm

37 funny comebacks for dealing with rude people

04/08/2021 by Roy Sutton

The art of funny comebacks is one well worth developing.

We all have to deal with rude comments and mean, spiteful people occasionally. That’s all part of human existence.

However how often do you wish you had a suitable response ready to go to put such people firmly in their place?

If only you had a stock of funny comebacks to choose from when situations dictate?

Well here are 37 funny comebacks that you might find useful when you’re faced with dealing with rude, mean or difficult people. How many of these can you work into your day, today?

If there are any of these funny comebacks that you particularly like then please share this post with your friends but not before you’ve enjoyed them all first.

Remember: When you share, everyone wins.

Funny Comebacks:

You know you really should buy some breath mints?
I have better things to do than listen to you.
Whoever told you to be yourself has given you bad advice.
I don’t care what everyone else says, I don’t think you’re that bad.
Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
I believed in evolution until I met you.
Have you ever wondered why people don’t like you?
I accept I’m not perfect but at least I’m not you.
If ignorance is bliss, then you must be the happiest person on the planet.
You always bring me so much joy, the minute you leave the room.
I don’t need a proctologist to tell me you’re an asshole.
I’m not a cactus expert but I do know a prick when I see one.
I would explain it to you but I have neither the time nor the crayons!
Sorry buddy but I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
Look, if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I had to do was fart.
If only your dad had used a condom, the world would be a better place.
You have your entire life to be a jerk. Take a day off and give the rest of us a break.
Everyone said you were unpleasant but I didn’t believe them ……. until now.
Sorry but you’re confusing me with someone who actually cares about what you think.
Are you always such an idiot or do you just like to show off when I’m around?
I understand what you’re saying but if I agreed with you then we’d both be wrong.
Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while but you’re abusing the privilege.
Remember when I asked for your opinion? Well, me neither.
No wonder everyone talks about you behind your back.
It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it and remove all doubt.
Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.
I don’t remember asking for your opinion.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I can see you’ve already got one.
I’m busy, you’re ugly. Have a nice day.
Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale?
I hope you step on a Lego in your bare feet.
You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.
Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else would you be able to understand me?
You can keep rolling your eyes if you must but you’re unlikely to find a brain back there.
I don’t know what your problem is but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
You sir are a human version of period cramps.

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30 Sarcastic quotes about love to make you smile

01/15/2021 by Roy Sutton

If you enjoy sarcasm and sarcastic quotes then you might just appreciate these sarcastic quotes about love. They made me smile and I hope they make you smile too.

Sarcastic quotes about love:

You’ll do.
You can’t be wise and in love.
Where there’s love there’s lies.
Nothing says “I love you” like sarcasm.
True love comes from the heart, not the mouth.
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
A relationship is a test for which you’ve never studied.
Deceiving others. That’s what the world calls a romance.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear it’s a beautiful day.
I’m no one’s backup option. Choose me or lose me. The choice is yours.
If love’s the answer then you probably didn’t understand the question.
You don’t stop loving someone. Either you always will or you never did in the first place.
Apparently if you treat people the way they treat you they’ll get offended. Who knew?
All you need is love. And an IQ low enough to believe that.
If you don’t love yourself then no one else is going to love you.
Relationships don’t die a natural death. They’re murdered by attitude.
Yes of course you were my cup of tea but now I’m drinking champagne.
No, I’m not afraid to love. My fear is in not being loved back.
Everything happens for a reason. So if I punch you in the face, remember it was for a reason.
Love may be important to the sustaining of life but let’s get real, money and oxygen are more important.
Marriage is a legal contract through which you can annoy that one special person for the rest of your life.
Don’t worry about hurting my feelings because I can guarantee there’s no link between my self-esteem and your acceptance of me.
I never reach out to people if there’s little or no chance of it being reciprocated.
Hating people consumes far too much energy. So I’ll just pretend you don’t exist.
I don’t need anyone to hold my hand. I can put my hands in my pockets and just keep walking.
You may show me that you don’t give a s*** but I can show you that I’m much better at it.
Of all the lies I’ve heard, “I love you” is the best.
There’s a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything you. Remember that.
Happily ever after is so once upon a time.

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So did enjoy these sarcastic quotes about love dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

15 funny quotes to gladden your heart

10/24/2020 by Roy Sutton

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I love quotes. And I’m always on the lookout for great quotes, and particularly funny quotes.

Many great quotes have influenced my own personal philosophy.

Others have been really useful as a means for reinforcing messages in presentations.

And then there are those that just make me smile.

I’m referring to those funny quotes that resonate with me, whilst offering a germ truth within the underlying wit.

So here are 15 funny quotes to gladden your heart and make you smile.

Enjoy them all. Certainly I did.

Funny Quotes:

In my defence, I was left unsupervised.
I used to think I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
If I won an award for laziness, I’d send someone else to pick it up.
I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
The early bird can have the worm, because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.
I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
Life has no hands but it can still give you a slap in the face sometimes.
Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then it’s just suspicious.
Having great power is wonderful until you get the electricity bill.
I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you’d like punch in the face.
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. ~Author Unknown

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Thank you.

39 attitude quotes that take sarcasm to another level

10/21/2020 by Roy Sutton

If you like attitude quotes, clever put-downs and sarcasm then you should enjoy this collection today.

39 sarcastic remarks to add to your quiver full of arrows. These are ammunition for use on another day, when someone tries to have a go at you and needs reminding that you’re a person with whom they should not mess, if they know what’s good for them.

Hopefully one or two of these might just give you a good laugh too. Enjoy them all.

Attitude quotes:

I get it. Life’s a soup and I’m a fork.
If your phone doesn’t ring, it’ll be me.
If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.
Just be yourself isn’t always good advice.
What doesn’t kill you can only disappoint me.
The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.
You look like something I drew with my left hand.
If you’re the voice of reason, then we’re in trouble.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
Hey, I found your nose again. It was in my business.
If only you ran like your mouth. You’d be in great shape.
You’re such a treasure, why hasn’t someone buried you?
You know, you have one really annoying habit. Breathing.
If I was meant to be controlled, I’d have come with a remote.
I have plenty of terrible ideas. Just let me know if you need any.
I wasn’t being rude. I just said what everyone else was thinking.
May your earholes turn into assholes and shit on your shoulders.
Oh, darling, you should really go out and buy yourself a personality.
I try to see the best in everyone but you’re making it really difficult.
You think you know it all but clearly you don’t know when to shut up.
I’m really sorry if my sense of humour offended your total lack of one.
WIFE to HUSBAND: Sure, I make terrible choices. One of them was you.
I encouraged my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.
I’m not one for revenge but I might arrange for you to have an accident.
Putting on your makeup every day must be hard, with you having two faces.
They call it a selfie because narcissist is too hard for most people to spell.
I can’t help but wonder why someone hasn’t hit you in the face with a shovel yet.
When you spun the wheel of attitude this morning, clearly it landed on bitch again.
I’d love to help you but I don’t even play an active role in my own life anymore.
Roses are red; violets are blue; I’ve got five fingers; the middle one’s for you.
Do I think you’re pretentious? You’d eat worms in a deli if they came with a French name.
There’s someone for everyone and the person for you would have to be a psychiatrist.
Apart from being physically exhausted, financially challenged, overweight and mentally unstable, everything’s going really well. Thanks.
It’s not for me to question your father’s sperm count but, seriously, you were actually the sperm that won?
If I’m smiling, I’m contemplating doing something really bad. If I’m laughing, I’ve already done it.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You may have a problem with my attitude but that’s not a problem for me.
There are trees out there tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe them an apology.
When I was a child, my father told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. It seems, nowadays they call that identity theft.
Let me stop you right there. If it involves early mornings, sweating or dealing with people, then the answer’s No!

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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33 irony and sarcasm quotes subtly conveying contempt

09/02/2020 by Roy Sutton

People! When they get too much, there are times when we all need to use a little irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contempt.

We can’t live without people of course but they do drive us all nuts at times too, or is that just me?

Actually I love people. Well, most of the time anyway.

However, I also like to have my little stock of sarcastic remarks, retorts and put-downs ready to use when I need them. And occasionally we all need them, don’t we?

So today I thought I’d share with you 33 irony and sarcasm quotes which subtly convey contempt.

Read them. Enjoy them. I hope some of them make you smile.

And if you’re ever in a situation that warrants a biting comeback then you’ll be well-prepared. I hope so anyway.

Irony and sarcasm for subtly conveying contempt:

You go, girl! And please don’t come back.
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
Those who laugh last think slowest.
Nothing gives me greater pleasure than your absence.
It’s obvious that in your profession being stupid is not a handicap.
Look I’m really busy right now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Is being stupid your profession or are you simply gifted that way?
If you’re ever given the keys to the City then the City will need to change the locks.
How is it that when you see light at the end of the tunnel you always manage to extend the tunnel?
If ignorance is bliss then you should be the happiest guy on the planet.
To err is human but to blame it on others now that’s the art of politics.
I’d say something polite but that might encourage you to hang around and that would be more than I could bear.
They said this was a job anyone could do and now I’ve met you I know that to be true.
You’re living proof that inability is not necessarily a liability in the job market.
I didn’t vote for you, I voted to stop your opponent gaining power.
Sorry for the pause but I was trying to imagine you with a personality.
When you say something worth hearing I’ll listen but I doubt that’ll happen any time soon.
Look I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you. You’ve got to do some of the heavy lifting yourself.
My opinion offended you? You should hear the opinions I keep to myself.
I do try to see things from your point of view but your point of view is so stupid.
If what I said is a problem for you then perhaps you could write it down on a piece of paper and then shove that piece of paper up your ass.
You’re reading that book to look good, surely? Certainly, as far as I can tell, you lack the brains to understand it.
You’re one of those people who manage to spread a little misery wherever you go.
I’d enlighten you if I could but I’m not a magician.
You’re living proof that light travels faster than sound. You appeared quite bright until I heard what you said.
It wasn’t my intention to offend you when I called you stupid. I just assumed you knew that already.
Are you really that stingy or do you just have extremely short arms and very deep pockets?
If laughter is the best medicine then your face is the cure for every illness known to man.
I’m not listening but please keep talking. Why wouldn’t I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed?
Not all girls are made from sugar and spice and everything nice. Some are made from sarcasm and wine and everything fine.
You may lack the power of conversation but unfortunately, you don’t lack the power of speech.
If it looked like I give a damn then allow me to apologize for giving you the wrong impression.
I’m not sarcastic by nature; I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

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If any of these irony and sarcasm quotes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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30 sarcasm examples that’ll really make you smile

06/19/2020 by Roy Sutton

Irony, wit and sarcastic responses are always well-received by readers.

So today I offer 30 more sarcasm examples that you can add to your ammunition stockpile. They will make you smile too.

Enjoy them all and if you have any of your own then please add them to the comments. I’d love to hear from you and I’m sure other readers would too.

Sarcasm examples:

Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
You’ve got a face only a mother could love.
You’re about as pleasant as colonic irrigation.
Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
If I appear to be disinterested that’s because I am.
I didn’t ask for your advice, so why would you assume I need it?
Dressed like that I’m guessing you’re off to a loud shirt party?
What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face on you like a wet weekend.
Am I a bitch or just a girl who’s looking after her own interests and takes no crap from anyone? You may not like it but it works for me. So suck it up buttercup.
I appreciate you giving me this opportunity for a lengthy exchange of ideas but I’m busy. So please just go away.
I get it that life has been unfair to you and that you’re not happy but why’s that my problem?
When you say ‘ad hoc’ does that mean I can do it as necessary or were you just trying to impress me with your knowledge of Latin?
When you suggest ‘I’m just biased’ does that mean deep down you think I may actually have a point but you don’t want to admit it?
Listen, buddy, I can sell you a drink but I can’t offer you solutions to your problems. I’m a bartender, not a psychotherapist.
You keep saying that money’s not important but I’d love to see how long you can live without it.
What have you done to your hair? It looks like it’s been cut with a knife and fork.
You know you’re old when you receive a welcome letter from AARP which serves only to remind you that you’re not quite dead yet.
It may be moderately challenging but let’s face it, it’s not rocket science, is it?
That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you put it in the Suggestion Box and I’ll be sure to ignore it?
So life was so much better back in your day? Well whoop-dee-doo. The rest of us are so pleased for you, NOT.
It was a joke. We used to tell them to each other before everyone was so easily offended.
Just because you work hard you shouldn’t assume your efforts will be appreciated. What did you expect? Applause?
You do realize that feeling that everyone’s out to get you may not just be a feeling?
Yes, I received your email and I ignored it like every other message I have in my Inbox. I’ve actually got work to do.
Referring to yourself as a professional is not for me a guarantee that you’ll have any significant level of competence.
One day you’ll realize that behaving like a total dick was not a good idea and it doesn’t impress anyone.
‘Have a nice day’ is something you say but in my experience rarely is it something you mean.
You’re not old. Chronologically challenged, yes! But there’s a bit more life in you yet.
If you don’t feel that this job is worthy of your talents then you can always quit and go spend more time with your ego.
Being a perfectionist will make you the worst kind of boss in the world. On the upside, it’ll also make you the best kind of sexual partner. So it’s not all bad.

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these sarcasm examples made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

33 funny sarcasm quotes guaranteed to make you smile

04/22/2020 by Roy Sutton

Once again I return to the theme of sarcasm and in particular funny sarcasm quotes. I love them as they always make me smile dear reader.

Not only that, I always get such a positive response from readers when I include some funny sarcasm quotes. So I’m guessing you enjoy them too.

If nothing else you can add some of them to your little quiver full of arrows for when you need to be well armed against stupid and difficult people, and there are plenty of both around, I’m sure you’ll agree?

So take a few minutes now and enjoy them all.

Funny sarcasm quotes:

I love the sound when you shut up.
What’s wrong with me? Do you want a list?
I have three words for you. You need help!
Feel free to judge me when you’re perfect.
I may not be perfect but at least I’m not you.
Well aren’t you a little ray of sarcastic sunshine.
Tact is for people who lack the wit to be sarcastic.
Hey, you know what you’d look good in? Concrete!
Whoever told you to be yourself gave you bad advice.
The only problem I have with you is you’re still breathing.
Am I always angry and irritable? No, sometimes I’m asleep.
I’ve already had my patience tested. The result was negative.
I try to see the best in everyone buy you’re not making it easy.
Did you ever get the feeling that you’ve seized the wrong day?
I don’t hate you. I’m just not that excited about your existence.
If I was a bird this morning, you’d be the first person I’d crap on.
May you earholes turn into assholes and shit on your shoulders.
If you don’t like sarcasm, would profanity work better with you?
That girl could reduce a man to tears with one lash of her tongue.
Being dead is like being stupid it’s only a problem for other people.
You should be aware that my sense of humor may hurt your feelings.
Your ass must be jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth.
My text messages would make more sense if there was a sarcasm font.
I hope you appreciate the effort I’ve put in to not punching you in the face.
Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t realize you were an expert on how I should live my life.
I’d tell you to go to Hell but I work there and I wouldn’t want to see you every day.
Ignorance can be educated and crazy can be medicated but there’s no cure for stupid.
I thought rock bottom would be as far down as I’d go. I didn’t realize it had a basement.
When I look at you I can’t help but think, “Why hasn’t someone hit you with a shovel yet?”
Do I dislike you? Well let me put it this way I’d willingly buy you a toaster for your bathtub.
Let’s hope you experience a sudden case of explosive diarrhea whilst you’re stuck in traffic.
You’d be unwise to give me your attitude unless you want to be on the receiving end of mine.
May the fleas from a thousand camels infest your ass and may your arms be too short to scratch.

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So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

30 dark sarcasm quotes you’ll love

04/11/2020 by Roy Sutton

When you want to suggest a hint of menace then having a few dark sarcasm quotes up your sleeve is always useful. People need to know that they shouldn’t mess with you. Sarcasm is a powerful way of getting that message across.

So today I offer you 30 great dark sarcasm quotes and I hope they all entertain you.

Take a few minutes to enjoy them all. I did and I’m confident you will too.

Dark sarcasm quotes:

Sarcastic? Me? Well, a little sardonic perhaps.
Surely you must be on stupid pills?
If I’m smiling that alone should scare you.
I’ve had a wonderful evening but this wasn’t it.
Zombies eat brains. So you’ll be quite safe.
Well aren’t you a little ray of pitch-black.
Keep your head high and your middle finger higher.
Am I joking or am I psychotic? You don’t want to find out.
I really need the one thing you can provide, your absence.
If it looks like I don’t care, that’s because I really don’t.
Am I free this afternoon? No, I’m very expensive.
I don’t treat people badly. I treat people accordingly.
If I cut you off then in all probability you handed me the scissors.
You’re allowed to use your brain you know. It’s not illegal just yet.
I’m a leader not a follower. Unless it’s dark, then you’re going first.
Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I feel like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there.
If you can’t say something nice, at least make it clever and devastating.
My level of sarcasm has reached the point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
I don’t like making plans in case they lead to the word ‘premeditated’ being thrown around in a courtroom.
Don’t be a complete prick all your life. Take a few minutes off and give the rest of us a break.
I’m sorry. While you were talking I was struggling to figure out why you think I care.
My life’s been full of disappointments and you’ve just been added to the list.
No, I can’t help you but I can offer you a sarcastic remark.
When I said how stupid can you be it wasn’t meant to be a challenge.
No, I wouldn’t say I’m the best in the world but I’m confident I’m in the Top 1.
You should be careful if you don’t want to be offended. I can speak fluent sarcasm.
It’s one of life’s mysteries but those who whine loudest tend to be those who’ve contributed least. Why is that?
You think you’re street smart but I’m guessing that’s Sesame Street.
Oh, you were talking to me? I’m sorry I thought there was something wrong with you.

Please share this post with your friends:

So did enjoy these dark sarcasm quotes dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

The 30 best bitchy comments that’ll really make you smile

04/11/2020 by Roy Sutton

Ladies, do you ever find yourself in need of some bitchy comments?

Gentlemen, do you have need for a quiver full of little arrows to pierce even the hardest heart?

Having the right comment to respond on those occasions when you need to put someone firmly in their place?

For those occasions when you need to send out a message that says, you mess with me at your peril.

Well here are 30 great bitchy comments, all of which really made me smile.

Bitchy Comments:

You’re wearing that dress for a bet, surely?
She’s not a drinker but she certainly likes a whine.
I don’t need your drama. Go bother someone else.
Hey, balls just called. They want you to grow a pair.
I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you right now.
I’m not responsible for what my face does when you talk.
There are two things I dislike about you girl. Your face!
Yes I am crazy and you’d be unwise to mess with crazy.
Being opinionated is not the same as being informed dear.
OMG! She’s really been bit with the ugly stick, hasn’t she?
Nice dress! Where did you buy it, Dick’s Sporting Goods?
I’ve met some pricks in my time but you’re the full cactus.
I try to see the best in people but you certainly make it hard.
You’re upset with me? So what! I don’t exist just to please you.
I may have multiple personalities but none of them like you.
Oh, there’s a new man in your life. Does he still have his own hair?
If you want to lose weight girl, you could always shave your legs.
What you think of me can’t be half as bad as my opinion of you.
I’d say something complimentary about you but I’m not that dishonest.
I don’t hate you but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
You’re confusing me with someone who cares what you think.
I’m as nice as the next girl until life forces me to unleash the Bitch.
You remind me of a penny. Two faced and not worth much.
I’d beat you with a hammer but you’re not worth the jail time.
You’re such a fake I’m guessing you were made in China.
I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your comprehension.
Feel free to judge me when you’re perfect. Oh, that would be never then.
No, I didn’t intend to offend you. That was just a bonus for which I’m grateful.
Don’t hate me because I’m attractive. Hate me because my boobs are bigger than yours.
Leave sarcasm to the professionals, sweetie. You’ll get hurt if you play with fire.