33 very clever one liners guaranteed to make you smile

Clever one linersI’m always impressed with clever one liners. I can’t resist those short, sharp witty remarks that always make me smile. So naturally I collect them, noting them down in my journal every day.

Today I thought I share some of the best clever one liners I’ve heard recently. They’re all quite brilliant in my opinion.

So take a couple of minutes to enjoy them all.

Clever one liners:

  1. How does NASA organise a party? They planet.
  2. I used to be addicted to soap but I’m clean now.
  3. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
  4. Just received a card full of rice. It’s from Uncle Ben.
  5. Exaggerations went up by one million percent last year.
  6. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
  7. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. It was just collecting dust.
  8. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  9. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.
  10. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  11. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
  12. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.
  13. Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.
  14. My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”
  15. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  16. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
  17. I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
  18. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
  19. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
  20. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
  21. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  22. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
  23. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  24. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
  25. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.
  26. I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
  27. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”
  28. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
  29. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
  30. Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
  31. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. So I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
  32. A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” To which the doctor replied, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
  33. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? “Thanks! I’ll never part with it!”

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If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

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