12 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today

Funniest Jokes

We all need a smile or two occasionally. Jokes cheer us up and laughter is the best medicine. So today I offer you 12 of the funniest jokes, each in two lines.

Let me say that these are jokes that I’ve stumbled upon in various places, so I cannot claim credit for them.

However, I wasn’t able to identify the original authors either.

Should you be the author of any of these jokes, or should you know the original author then please let me know.

I would welcome the opportunity to add appropriate credits and links to acknowledge the authors. In the meantime, enjoy them all!

Funniest Jokes:

  • You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
  • You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

 

  • Parallel lines have so much in common
  • It’s a shame they’ll never meet

 

  • Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
  • Then they call me ugly and poor

 

  • Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re going to pay
  • You have my Word

 

  • I went to an emotional wedding the other day
  • Even the cake was in tiers

 

  • Someone stole my mood ring
  • I don’t know how I feel about that

 

  • I tried to catch fog yesterday
  • Mist

 

  • Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
  • If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan

 

  • I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrow too high
  • She looked surprised

 

  • I threw a boomerang a few years ago
  • I now live in constant fear

 

  • A guy shows up late for work. His boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8.30!”
  • The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8.30?

 

  • To people who say, “My dog is my best friend.”
  • I say, “Your dog may be your best friend but will it pick you up at the airport? I think not.”

Please share this post with your friends:

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Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful.

Thank you.

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Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

3 very funny jokes to get you smiling a little

Very funny jokesLaughter is a great way to give yourself a boost. So today I offer you 3 very funny jokes to get you smiling, hopefully just a little. Enjoy them all.

1. Store policy:

The store manager overheard her sales assistant saying to an elderly customer, “No mam, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.

Alarmed by what she’d heard, the store manager rushed over to the elderly lady as she was leaving the store and said, “Mam, I am so sorry, the information you were given was incorrect. We will actually have some very soon. We’ve placed an order today.

The elderly lady gave the store manager a slightly puzzled look, but then just smiled and left the store.

The store manager then walked back over to her sales assistant and said very sternly, “You must never say that we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we have it on order and we expect it any day. Do you understand me?

Yes, mam!” responded the sales assistant.

So what was it the old lady was asking for?” enquired the store manager.

Rain”, responded her sales assistant.

Very Funny Jokes2. Bad news:

Dan went to his physician for his annual check-up.

However, he was shocked when his doctor said to him, “I’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live.

Are you sure?” said Dan, “I feel fine. Isn’t there anything that can be done?”

“Well” said his doctor, “you could try taking a mud bath each day.”

“Will that cure me?” asked Dan.

“No, but it’ll get you used to the dirt”, responded the physician.

3. Embarrassing situations:

By nature, Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes of this woman and eventually he plucked up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice, “No! I will not sleep with you tonight!

Jason blushed, beetroot red with embarrassment and everyone in the bar looked over to see what was going on.

So he walked back over to the counter where he’d been sitting, reflecting on how he might have handled the situation and intending to leave the bar as soon as he’d finished his drink.

However, a couple of minutes later the attractive woman walked over to him and apologised.

I’m really sorry”, she said. “I’m actually a PhD student at Harvard and I’m doing research on how people respond in embarrassing situations.

To which Jason responded, yelling loudly at the top of his voice, “What do you mean you charge three hundred dollars minimum?

Very funny jokesPlease share this post:

If you enjoyed these very funny jokes, dear reader, then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Other articles you may also find amusing:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2021. All Rights Reserved.

25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

witty one-liner jokesIn need of being cheered up a little dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile?

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but should you know then do let me know. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes:

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.
  11. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  12. I’ve no idea why but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  13. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  14. Leave them wanting more is always great advice, unless you work in disaster relief.
  15. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  16. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccoughs.
  17. If we should never eat late at night then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  18. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  19. I read in the newspaper that a semi-colon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  20. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat, I’m living on the wrong planet.
  21. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  22. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  23. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves, and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  24. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  25. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

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People really do enjoy witty one-liner jokes, so please share this post now.

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21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

Brilliant One-LinersWhenever I share funny one-liners with readers, the posts are always popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one-liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you dear reader.

Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 21 brilliant one-liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all Author Unknown.

However, I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able to enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime I hope these 21 brilliant one-liners will brighten your day.

Brilliant one-liners:

  1. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  2. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  3. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  4. Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  5. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  6. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
  7. I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  8. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  9. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  10. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  11. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  12. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  14. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  15. Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
  16. I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
  17. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  18. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
  19. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
  20. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  21. I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

If you enjoyed them, please share:

If you enjoyed these brilliant one-liners dear reader then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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5 funny long jokes to tell your friends and make them smile

Funny long jokesIf you like telling your friends funny long jokes and you’re looking for some ammunition then here are five good ones that should make your friends smile.

Funny long jokes:

1. A face at the window:

Bill and Bobby Joe were leaving their local bar one night after a session of heavy drinking.

They’re both staggering, and they fall into Bobby Joe’s station wagon and he starts it up.

With the engine running and Bobby Joe still fumbling around in the driver’s seat, suddenly the face of an old man appears in the window on the passenger side, and he’s tapping lightly on the window.

It is pitch black out there and being taken completely by surprise, naturally this spooks Bill. So in reaction, he screams, “Oh my God, there’s a ghost!

Well, Bill’s remark spooks Bobby Joe too, so he puts his foot down and the station wagon begins to accelerate.

Bobby Joe can see the speedometer needle moving and yet, the face of the old man remains there in the window.

So Bill lowers the window and says, “What do you want, old man?

You got any tobacco?” the old man asks, softly.

Bill offers him a cigarette, and then shouts, “Step on the gas, Bobby Joe, and let’s get the hell out of here!

Well, the speedometer on the station wagon is approaching 80, and Bobby Joe looks at it and says, “We’ll be fine, he can’t catch us now.

Suddenly they hear the tapping on the window again, and it’s the same old man.

So, Bill rolls down the window once again and says, “What is it now?

Have you got a light?” the old man asks, politely.

Bill lights the man’s cigarette and then shouts, “Bobby Joe, step on it!

So, Bobby Joe presses the accelerator hard down to the floor and watches as the speedometer exceeds 100 miles per hour.

Once again Bobby Joe remarks, “We’ll be fine Bill, he can’t catch us now.

Well, a minute or two passes, and they hear that tapping on the window again.

Bill lowers the window and screams, “What the hell is it now, old man?

Your wheels are still spinning in the mud,” the old man responds softly, pointing to the rear of the vehicle.

2. The stakeout:

Rookie police officer, Jim Smith, has been assigned the role of staking out a local bar one night watching out for potential DUI violations.

As the evening draws to a close, he watches as one young man staggers out of the bar and tries his keys in five different cars before finding his own.

The young man fumbles for a few minutes, as Officer Smith keeps an Eagle eye on him, and eventually the car door opens and the young man falls into the driver’s seat.

Officer Smith watches the young man like a hawk, waiting to pounce, as other patrons start leaving the bar and driving off in their cars.

Eventually the young man gets his car started and attempts to drive away.

At that point, Officer Smith makes his move and pulls him over.

Sir, I must caution you that I suspect you’re driving under the influence and I need you to blow into this breathalyzer for me, please,” Officer Smith says politely but very firmly.

The young man does as requested and then hands the breathalyzer back to Officer Smith for checking.

Officer Smith looks closely as the blood-alcohol content score and it measures zero.

Officer Smith is puzzled by this outcome and demands to know what’s going on.

The young man smiles and says, “Sir, tonight it was my turn as designated decoy.

Funny long jokes3. The challenge:

Jerry was an Iron Man champion who also owned a bar just off the Las Vegas Strip.

Everyone in town knew that Jerry was the strongest man around and knowing that visitors to Las Vegas liked a bet, he used that to his advantage in attracting people into his bar.

On the counter there was a big sign headlined Challenge Jerry. In the small print it explained the bet was that anyone who could beat Jerry in a strongman challenge could win $1,000. The cost of the bet was $10.

In the challenge, Jerry would squeeze the juice from an orange into a glass. Once Jerry had squeezed the life out of the orange, challengers had to take the orange and see if they could squeeze any more juice from it.

Over the years truck drivers, lumberjacks, weightlifters and all sorts of tough guys had tried to beat Jerry in this challenge but, so far, no one had ever got the better of him.

One day a small, thin, weak-looking, middle-aged man with thinning hair and heavy-rimmed spectacles walked into the bar, slapped a $10 bill on the counter and said that he was willing to take up the challenge.

Everyone in the bar started laughing at the idea that this weak-looking, little man would have any chance of beating Jerry and walking out with the $1,000.

Jerry smiled at the man, picked up the $10 and said, “OK Buddy, you’ve got yourself a bet.

He then picks up one of California’s finest and squeezes the juice out of it until the glass is almost full. What remains of the orange was then handed to the challenger.

The little man focused momentarily and then started squeezing as hard as he could with both hands. To everyone’s amazement, within seconds, half a dozen drops of juice dripped into the glass.

Jerry congratulated the man on his success and handed him $1,000.

I’m impressed,” said Jerry. “What do you do for a living, buddy? I’m guessing you must be a lumberjack?

Oh no,” the man responded. “I work for the IRS.

4. The DEA Agent:

Steve McShane is an agent with the Drug Enforcement Agency based in Arizona and he’s had a tip-off that a farmer near Scottsdale is growing marijuana in one of his fields.

So McShane shows up at the farm one day unannounced and says to the farmer, “Hey buddy, I’m from the DEA and I’ve got a warrant to search your farm, as we suspect you of growing illegal narcotics.

Really!” the farmer says a little surprised, “I don’t know where you got that idea, but I guess I’ve got no choice but to let you do whatever you’ve got to do. However I must warn you DO NOT go in the backfield.

Well McShane is a little put out by this last comment, so he pulls out his badge and says to the farmer, “Now listen old man, do you see this badge? Take a good look at it, buddy. This badge says I’m with the DEA. And with this badge I’ve got access all areas. You hear what I’m sayin’? No one or nothing can stop me. You got that?

Yes sir!” said the farmer.

With that Steve McShane heads straight for the backfield believing the farmer’s comment was an attempt to deflect him from looking in the place where the marijuana is being grown.

Within minutes the farmer sees the DEA man running as though his life depended on it. And it did, as McShane was being chased by the biggest, meanest, fastest bull you’ve ever seen.

As the bull closes in on him, McShane screams at the farmer for help.

SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!” shouts the farmer. “Just tell him it gives you access all areas.

5. Spelling Test:

Beryl’s married life had not been a happy one and then sadly one day, she passes away.

Suddenly, she finds herself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

Hello, Beryl,” St Peter says, warmly. “You’ve done your best to lead a good and decent life, I know, so all I need is for you to spell one word correctly and you’ll be admitted to the kingdom of Heaven.

Right!” said Beryl. “And what word do I need to spell?

That word is love, Beryl,” St Peter responds. “Can you spell it for me?

Yes, of course,” said Beryl. “It’s L O V E.

Well done,” St Peter responds, “and welcome to the kingdom of Heaven.

Beryl quickly settles into life in Heaven and finds a new sense of purpose in helping St Peter will his many duties.

St Peter begins to rely on her so much that one day, when he’s very busy, he asks her to deputize for him at the Pearly Gates, checking new arrivals.

As luck would have it, Beryl’s husband appears at the Pearly Gates whilst she’s on duty.

Oh, it’s you,” says Beryl. “Well I’ve got to tell you that you won’t be admitted to Heaven unless you can spell one word correctly for me. And you only get one chance to spell it perfectly.

Right!” says her husband. “And what word do I need to spell for you?

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu,” Beryl responds, smiling brightly.

If you enjoyed these long jokes, please share them:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny long jokes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

Funniest Jokes 2021: Could these be the 5 of them?

Funniest Jokes 2021Want to be the life and soul of the party, dear reader? Then here are 5 of the funniest jokes 2021 to tell your friends and make them laugh. They all made me laugh, that’s for sure.

Funniest Jokes 2021:

1. The Test:

A teacher has prepared a test for two of her students.

Now one of these kids is very clever but the other one is a bit slow, to say the least.

The test has 10 questions and the teacher sits both students down in the classroom and gives them 45 minutes to complete the test.

Once completed by the students, the test papers are sent away for independent marking and assessment.

When the teacher receives the marked test papers back, she looks at the slow kid’s mark first. He’s been given 9 out of 10.

That’s astonishing!” the teacher thinks to herself.

She then looks at the clever kid’s mark and he too has been given 9 out of 10.

That can’t be right,” the teacher exclaims.

So she goes through the clever kid’s paper in detail.

The first nine questions he’s got all right. However, for the tenth question, he’s simply written, “Sorry mam, but I don’t know the answer to this question.

So the teacher then goes through the slow kid’s paper in detail.

Again he’s got the first nine questions all right. And then for the tenth question he’s written, “I don’t know the answer either.

2. Questionable weather:

Jane is arguing with her husband, Bill about the winter weather, precipitation and how they would describe the amount of moisture currently in the atmosphere.

Well,” said Jane. “This to me is drizzle.

No,” Bill responded. “It’s heavy mist.

This debate went on for a while and then, eventually, Jane suggested they ask the elderly man next door.

Hey,” said Jane, “Rudolf’s a former Soviet communist from Russia. He’ll know all about bad weather.

So they went next door and asked Rudolf for his opinion.

It is drizzle,” Rudolf declared.

Needless to say, Bill felt a little put-out, losing the argument in this way.

Why should we accept his judgement anyway?” asked Bill.

Jane smiled and said, “Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!

Funniest Jokes 20213. Communication breakdown:

Sister Elizabeth is walking down to breakfast in the convent one morning when she meets Sister Gillian.

Good morning Sister Elizabeth,” says Sister Gillian, “it looks like you got out of the wrong side of the bed.

In response, Sister Elizabeth smiles. She’s slightly puzzled by Sister Gillian’s comment but she lets it go.

As she proceeds down the corridor towards the dining room, she then bumps into Sister Julienne.

Good morning Sister Elizabeth,” says Sister Julienne, “it looks like you got out of the wrong side of the bed.

Though mildly irritated by hearing this comment a second time, once again she smiles and lets it go.

As she enters the dining room, Sister Elizabeth bumps into the Mother Superior.

Good morning Sister Elizabeth,” says the Mother Superior, “it looks like you got out of the wrong side of the bed.

Why on earth do people keep asking me that question?” says Sister Elizabeth. “Have I been rude to anyone?

No, not at all,” replies the Mother Superior, “but you’re wearing the Bishop’s slippers.

4. The wages of sin:

Mary is saying goodbye to her husband, John, as he nears death.

My love,” said John. “Before I die, I must confess that I was once unfaithful to you with another woman. In our fifty years of marriage, it was once and only once, I swear. Please can you forgive me?

Mary fidgets for a moment and then she reaches for the chest at the end of the bed. She opens the lid and takes out two ears of corn and a thousand dollars in cash.

Mary shows this to John and slightly bemused he asks, “What’s this?

Well John, I’ve been unfaithful too,” Mary responds. “And each time I had a lover I put an ear of corn in this chest.

John is clearly upset momentarily but then he says, “Well, it was only twice. But what was the money for?

Mary starts to weep and then she says, “Each time I got enough ears of corn for a bushel, I sold it.

5. The Good Samaritan:

Margarita had left her home in the small city of Campeche in Mexico for what she thought would be an exciting life in New York City.

However, the drudgery of life as a chambermaid, working in a third-rate hotel on 9th Avenue, proved to be a depressing experience.

She felt so depressed that one night she found herself standing on Brooklyn Bridge, contemplating throwing herself into the East River.

At that moment, a Good Samaritan came walking across the bridge in the shape of a handsome young man, named Tom.

Hello, I’m Tom,” said the young man. “Please tell me what’s troubling you, mam.

Life in Manhattan, working as a chambermaid, it is so hard,” Margarita responded. “I wanted so much more. And I can’t go home now, so I have nothing to live for.”

Look mam, the world is full of opportunity,” said Tom. “Hey, I’m a sailor and tomorrow we’ll be sailing to London, England. You could come too. I could stow you away on the ship and take care of you. I’ll bring you food each day and keep you happy.

Margarita thought about it momentarily and she realised that she had nothing to lose, so she accepted Tom’s offer.

That night, Tom took her aboard the ship and hid her in a small, but surprisingly comfortable, compartment in the hold.

From then on, each night Tom brought sandwiches and some red wine and after they’d eaten, he’d make love to her.

A few days later, during a routine inspection, the Captain discovered Margarita.

What are you doing here?” asked the Captain.

Sir, I have an arrangement with one of your sailors,” replied Margarita. “He brings me food and he’s taking me to London, England on your ship.

Really?” the captain responded.

Yes sir,” said Margarita. “He’s been taking advantage of me too, sir.

He certainly has, mam,” replied the Captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.

Funniest Jokes 2021If you enjoyed these funniest jokes 2021, please share them:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If you agree these were the funniest jokes 2021 and they made you smile, at least a little, then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

5 entertaining short story jokes that will tickle you

Short Story Jokes1. Emily and the Apache Woman

Emily was driving in her Chevrolet Bolt along the Interstate 17 in Arizona, on her way home to Phoenix.

Suddenly she saw a poor, elderly Apache woman walking very slowly along the side of the highway.

Recognising that this situation was quite dangerous and feeling sorry for the poor woman, Emily pulled over and offered her a lift.

The Apache woman nodded silently in appreciation and climbed into the car.

Naturally Emily tried to engage her in conversation but initially the Apache woman remained silent and she seemed a bit nervous.

However as they progressed along the highway towards Phoenix the woman eventually started to relax a little and then she started to look around.

The old woman was looking closely at everything in the car, apparently studying every detail. Then she noticed a pale blue gift bag on the rear seat behind Emily.

What’s in the bag?” she asked Emily, almost whispering.

Oh,” Emily responded warmly, “it’s a bottle of Whiskey that I got for my husband.

The Apache woman remained silent momentarily and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of someone who’s been around the block a few times, she smiled and said, “Good trade.

2. The Naughty Boys

Charlotte had two young boys, Jack and Harry.

Jack and Harry were two young kids who were always getting themselves into trouble. If there was any mischief happening anywhere in their town, then usually Jack and Harry were involved and Charlotte knew this.

Naturally her boys’ wayward behaviour was a concern for Charlotte and it was an issue she was keen to resolve.

One day Charlotte read an article in the local newspaper about a clergyman in town who’d been very successful in disciplining young boys and improving their behaviour.

So Charlotte phoned the clergyman and asked him if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman said he was happy to help but he was quick to stress that it was important that he see each of them separately.

So Charlotte decided to send young Harry to see the clergyman in the morning, with his elder brother Jack to follow in the afternoon.

The clergyman was an enormous man with a stern face and a big, booming voice.

He instructed Harry to sit down and then he asked him sternly, “Where is God?

The clergyman’s approach scared the life out of Harry. His mouth dropped open but fear prevented him from speaking. He just sat there wide-eyed, with his mouth hanging open.

So the clergyman repeated the question but this time with an even sterner tone. “Where is God?” he said.

Again Harry made no attempt to respond. He was too scared.

So this time the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the Harry’s face, bellowing, “WHERE IS GOD?

That was it for Harry. He jumped up from his chair, screamed and ran out of the room and all the way home. He didn’t stop running until he got to his own bedroom and then he hid in his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When Jack found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened dude?

Still gasping for breath, Harry replied, “Dude, we are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think WE did it!

Short Story Jokes3. The Test Results

John had been undergoing tests for a serious health concern for several weeks. Finally it was the day for him to receive his test results.

So he was sitting in his doctor’s office and he said, “Doc, I really need to know my test results! Not knowing is driving me crazy.

His doctor reviewed at his notes again and then said, “Well John, there’s some good news and some bad news I’m afraid. Which one do you want first?

To which John replied, “I think I’d prefer the good news first. Yeah Doc, let me have the good news first!”

Well,” said the doctor, “I hear there are some amazing deals on cremations this week.

4. A man and his Ostrich

A guy walks into a New York diner with an ostrich.

They both sit down at the counter and after a few moments, the waitress asks them whether they’re ready to order.

Yes,” said the guy, “I’ll have the cheeseburger with fries and a Coke.

He then looks at the ostrich and says, “What are you having?

The same,” says the ostrich.

About ten minutes later the waitress returns with their order and then says. “That’ll be $22.00 please.

The man reaches into his pocket and, without even looking he pulls out the exact amount of money for payment.

The next day, the same guy and his ostrich return and once again the guy says, “I’ll have the cheeseburger with fries and a Coke please.

And once again the ostrich says, “The same.

Once again when their order arrives, the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money to settle the bill.

This goes on for a few days and is becoming a routine, when one night they enter the diner and the waitress asks, “The usual?

No,” said the guy “as it’s Friday I’ll have the T-bone steak with a baked potato, a green salad and a glass of Merlot.

Same for me,” said the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and then says, “That’ll be $53.00.”

Once again the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money to pay the bill.

At this point the waitress is unable to suppress her curiosity any longer and she says to the guy, “Excuse me sir. How is it you always manage to pull from your pocket the exact amount of money? You do it every time.

Well,” said the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and I found an old oil lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and granted me two wishes.

Really?” said the waitress. “And what did you wish for?

Well my first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the exact amount of money would always be there,” said the guy.

Now that’s brilliant!” the waitress responded. “Most people would wish for like a million dollars or something but you’ll always be as rich as you need to be for as long as you live!

That’s right,” said the guy. “Whether I’m buying a pitcher of beer or a Bugatti Chiron, the exact amount of money will always be there.

The waitress was clearly impressed but still a little curious.

So what’s with the ostrich then?” she inquired.

The guy sighs and then says, “Well, my second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

The waitress smiled at him and said, “Be careful what you wish for, hey?

Short Story Jokes5. The Frog and the Fortune Teller

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out whether he’ll ever meet his princess.

The fortune-teller looks into her crystal ball for a few moments and then says to the frog, “Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Let me have the good news first,” said the frog.

Well, you’re going to meet the most beautiful girl in the world,” said the fortune-teller. “She will be interested in you and she will want to know all about you. In fact she will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart.

That sounds fantastic,” said the frog, “but what’s the bad news then?

You’re going to meet her in her Biology class,” replied the fortune-teller.

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If any of these short story jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

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3 amusing short story jokes that will definitely make you laugh

If you’re in need of a little comic relief then here are 3 amusing short story jokes that will definitely make you laugh. Take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

1. Escaping a ticket:

Jim was finally enjoying a bit of freedom in life, so he decided to buy himself a new Mercedes C-Class Cabriolet.

On the day he collected it from the dealership he thought it would be a great idea to take his new toy out for a spin on the Interstate.

It was a pleasant evening, so with the top down and the wind in his hair he decided to really put his foot down until the pedal hit the metal.

The acceleration was amazing but as the car hit 90 mph. suddenly there was the sound of a siren and through his rearview mirror, Jim could see blue lights flashing.

Undaunted by this turn of events Jim just thought to himself, “There’s no way the cops will catch me in a Mercedes at full speed.

And momentarily he kept the car going flat out until his speed exceeded 110 mph.

However, his nerve went when he realised that despite his speed the cops were actually gaining on him.

So the reality of his situation hit him and Jim thought, “What the hell am I doing?

He slowed down and pulled over.

At the side of the road, the cop came up to him and said, “Sir, could I see your license please?

Jim handed over his license.

The cop studied it momentarily and then said to Jim, “Sir, it’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and to be honest I really don’t feel like doing any more paperwork. So I’ll offer you a deal. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go without a ticket.

Jim thought for a second and then said, “Officer, a month ago my wife ran off with a cop. Life has been so good since then but I was afraid you were chasing in an attempt to give her back to me.

The cop smiled at Jim and said, “Have a nice weekend sir.”

And with that, he left Jim to enjoy his new car.

2. The price for a little fun:

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived home on Sunday evening he was confronted by his angry wife and, needless to say, she hurled abuse at him for nearly two hours in a tirade befitting his irresponsible actions.

Finally, as she stopped shouting at him, his wife said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

That would be fine with me,” Bill responded unwisely.

Monday went by and Bill didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

However, on Thursday, the swelling had gone down sufficiently for Bill to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

3. Unexpected benefit:

Mike and his wife Liz had the misfortune to be caught up in a terrible road traffic accident, with multiple cars involved. Unfortunately in the carnage that followed, Liz’s face was severely burned.

She was taken to the local hospital where the doctor told Mike that she would need a skin graft on her face.

The problem is,” said the doctor, “your wife is so thin we wouldn’t be able to use any skin from her body for the graft.”

Could I donate skin from my body?” asked Mike.

Yes, you can,” said the doctor. “However the only suitable skin would be skin from your buttocks.

Mike explained the situation to Liz and asked whether skin from his buttocks would be acceptable to her.

Well, as long as no one else knows where the skin came from,” said Liz.

Jim assured her that it would be their secret and the doctor also promised he would honour her request for secrecy.

So Liz had the surgery and when all the scars had healed everyone was amazed at how beautiful Liz now looked.

She’d always been attractive but she was now even more beautiful than she’d been before. All her friends and relatives couldn’t help commenting on her youthful beauty.

One day, Liz was sitting alone with Mike and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

“Mike, I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. There’s no way I could ever repay you,” said Liz.

Mike smiled and kissed her. Then he said, “Darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

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5 really funny jokes that will make you smile

Really Funny JokesIf you’re like me you enjoy a joke. Something to make you laugh and brighten the day. Well here are five really funny jokes that made me smile today.

1. Money’s too tight to mention:

Two old friends, Mary and Jane, were going shopping.

Mary was a spendthrift and she had a bad habit of constantly overdrawing her bank account.

Before leaving for the mall, Jane complained about her own lack of funds and sadly lamented, “If I buy anything, I guess I’ll have to use plastic.”

Unconcerned, Mary just whipped out her checkbook and said, “Well I’ll be using rubber.”

2. Attempting to get blood from a stone:

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s wealthy banker, so the director decided to make a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

Really Funny Jokes3. Verifying your check

The store clerk requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she said was the only thing she had that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank. 

4. Asking for charity:

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m their landlord.”

 5. Ways of seeing:

Teenager, Billy lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a brief but fruitless search, Billy gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she’d found the lens.

“How did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing Billy,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

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If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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37 one line funny quotes to brighten your day

One line funny quotesOne line funny quotes always make me smile. I just love clever wordplay and short, pithy comments. And I always make a note of them in my journal.

So today I’ve pulled together 37 one line funny quotes which I will brighten your day and raise a smile or two. Enjoy them all.

One line funny quotes:

  1. Blunt pencils are pointless.
  2. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  3. The rotation of Earth makes my day.
  4. Did Noah include termites on the ark?
  5. To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
  6. Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.
  7. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
  8. Which shoes do frogs prefer? Open toad sandals.
  9. Why do bees hum? They can’t remember the lyrics!
  10. If you don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
  11. The cost of living might be high but it remains popular.
  12. You can add insult to injury by signing somebody’s cast.
  13. If everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  14. I failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil. It wasn’t 2B. 
  15. I used to have an hour-glass figure, but the sand has shifted.
  16. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is on my ‘to do’ list.
  17. The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
  18. Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children is enough!
  19. You think you’ve got a handle on life and then you realise it’s broke.
  20. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  21. Adam and Eve were the first to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
  22. Does refusing to go to the gym count as a form of resistance training?
  23. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It can dissolve marriages, families and careers.
  24. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I’ve a hunch, it might be me.
  25. I went to see my physician about my short-term memory problems. He made me pay in advance.
  26. I bought a new pair of gloves and they were both ‘lefts’. Good on the one hand but on the other, just not right.
  27. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honest I’m not a fan.
  28. I’m sceptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
  29. Do I have a girlfriend? Well, I know a girl who would be really mad if I said I didn’t.
  30. Honesty’s the best policy, which suggests that dishonesty is the second-best policy.
  31. Houdini used a trap door in every show, which suggests it was a stage he was going through.
  32. Animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers
  33. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  34. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
  35. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
  36. A ghost walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a Whiskey. The bartender said, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve spirits in here.”
  37. It was so cold in Manhattan last night that flashers were forced to describe themselves to people.

One line funny quotesPlease share this post with your friends:

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I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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If you could share this post now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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