7 Good jokes guaranteed to make you smile

If you’re looking for some good jokes, then look no further, dear reader. I have seven very good jokes for you today.

They all made me laugh out loud, and I’m confident they’ll amuse you too.

So enjoy them all now.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Good jokes:

1. The duck hunter:

Dave was a keen duck hunter, and he’d been looking to buy a new bird dog for quite a while.

Dave’s search ended when he found an amazing dog that could walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Naturally, Dave was pleased with his discovery, but he was sure that his friends wouldn’t believe he’d found a dog that could walk on water.

So he decided to break the news to his friend Paul, a pessimist who was rarely impressed by anything.

Hoping that he might impress Paul, Dave invited him on a hunting trip to experience the dog firsthand.

However, Dave didn’t mention the dog’s special talent, as he wanted Paul to see it himself.

Arriving in the woods, the two men and the dog found a suitable spot by the lake and waited for some ducks to appear. And it wasn’t long before some ducks flew overhead.

Both men fired their shotguns, and a duck fell from the sky and landed on the lake.

The dog responded by walking across the water, without sinking and retrieving the duck. Apart from the soles of its feet, the dog didn’t get wet at all.

This continued throughout the day.

Each time a duck fell, the dog retrieved it by walking across the water without getting wet.

Determined to remain unimpressed, Paul observed everything, but he didn’t say a word.

On the drive home, Dave couldn’t resist it any longer, and he said to Paul, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog, Paul?

Yes, I did,” said Paul. “He can’t swim.”

2. Rookie error:

Jane is driving along Interstate 5 when she accidentally crashes into a guy driving a Porsche.

The guy immediately gets out of his Porsche and starts yelling at Jane and trying to intimidate her.

Are you blind or something?” yells the guy. “Why didn’t you look where you were going?

As luck would have it, Jane has a bottle of Jack Daniels on her rear seat, and she suggests to the guy that he takes a couple of swigs to calm his nerves.

The guy gratefully grabs the whiskey bottle and takes a long swig, pauses momentarily, and then takes another.

Just as he’s starting to calm down, a Highway Patrol officer appears on the scene, while the guy still has the whiskey bottle in his hand.

Right,” says the Highway Patrol officer, “What’s happened here?

Jane smiles demurely at the officer and says, “Officer, there’s been an accident because this guy’s been drinking.”

Moral of the Story: If you think you can intimidate women, you’d be wise to think again.

3. Down on the farm

One day, a farmer was tending his livestock when he noticed one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.

Naturally, being concerned, the farmer called a veterinarian and asked him to come and look at the cow.

The vet arrives at the farm, takes one look at the cow, and then sticks a rubber tube up the cow’s butt.

After a few moments, the vet puts the other end of the tube in his mouth and starts blowing hard.

Within a few seconds of blowing, the cow’s eyes completely straightened out.

The vet then charges the farmer $150 for his service and then leaves the farm to move on to his next appointment.

About a week later, another one of the farmer’s cows appears to be cross-eyed.

Well, the farmer doesn’t want to spend another $150 when he now knows what to do.

So, he finds a rubber tube and then calls his farmhand over to help him.

Together, they proceed to insert the tube into the cow’s butt.

The farmer then puts his lips on the tube and starts to blow. However, not being as young as he once was, the farmer can’t quite blow hard enough, and nothing happens.

So, he asks the farmhand to give it a try.

The farmhand removes the tube, turns it around, and then inserts it back into the cow’s butt. He then starts to blow hard.

What are you doing?” the horrified farmer yells.

The farmhand gives him a puzzled look and then says, “Well, I wasn’t gonna use the side that you put in your mouth.”

4. Logic class:

Bubba and Jim Bob felt they weren’t going anywhere in life, so they decided to go to college to improve their situation.

Neither of them is very bright, so they decide to seek advice from the college principal for guidance on courses for which they’d be best suited.

Bubba goes to see the principal first, and, after a short conversation, the principal suggests he take the Logic course.

What’s Logic?” asks Bubba.

Well, it might be easier if I gave you an example,” says the principal. “Do you own a Weed Eater?

Well, yes, I do,” Bubba responds.

Right,” says the principal. “If you own a Weed Eater, then it would be safe for me to assume you have a yard.”

Wow,” says Bubba, “you’re right.”

If you have a yard,” says the principal, “logic would suggest you also have a house.”

Incredible,” says Bubba, “you’re right again.”

The principal continues, “And since you have a house, logic suggests you have a wife too.”

Yes,” says Bubba, “that’s right, her name’s Daisy.”

If you have a wife,” says the principal, “then you probably have children too.”

I do,” says Bubba, “I have two kids, Willy and Maisy.”

Right,” says the principal. “Then logically, it follows that you’re heterosexual.”

Well, I’ll be,” says Bubba. “you’re right and you worked all that out from Logic. I can’t wait to start the Logic class.”

Bubba walks out of the principal’s office feeling ten feet tall and Jim Bob is there waiting to hear what happened.

So, what class will you take?” asks Jim Bob.

I’m taking the Logic class,” Bubba responds.

What’s Logic?” asks Jim Bob.

Well, it’ll be better if I explain it with an example,” says Bubba.

Go on then,” says Jim Bob

Right,” says Bubba. “Do you own a Weed Eater?

No,” Jim Bob replies.

Then you’re gay,” says Bubba.

5. Tragic loss:

In 1912, a ship sailed from San Diego, heading for the port of Lázaro Cárdenas, Mexico, with a cargo of 20,000 jars of Hellmann’s mayonnaise.

The cargo was intended for the celebrations to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Mexico’s famous victory over the Second French Empire at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

This would have been the largest shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico, had it not been for the ship sinking in rough seas before it could reach its intended destination.

Such was the popularity of Hellman’s famous condiment in Mexico at the time that the people were devastated, and a National Day of Mourning was declared.

This day continues to be commemorated every year on May 5, the date that the shipment was due to arrive in Lázaro Cárdenas. The event is better known as Sinko de Mayo.

6. Grizzly bears on the Appalachian Trail:

A tourist guide was explaining the dangers of grizzly bears to hikers about to walk the Appalachian Trail from Springer Mountain, Georgia.

The guide warned, “You should realise that most encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet to avoid disturbing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble upon bears.

He had the hikers’ full attention now.

Be aware that surprising a grizzly bear can have disastrous consequences for you,” the guide continued. “To avoid this, we recommend that hikers wear tiny bells on their clothing to provide bears with an early warning of your presence. You should, of course, exercise great caution should you spot the telltale signs of bears in the area, particularly if you see bear droppings.”

“And how do we identify bear droppings from those of other wildlife?” asked one of the hikers.

“Easy,”  explained the guide. “They’re the ones with all the tiny bells in them!”

7. The talking monkey:

Pete was walking past a pet shop when he saw a talking monkey being advertised for sale.

Intrigued, Pete went inside to see if this monkey was all the owners claimed it to be. It was, and Pete was so impressed, particularly with the monkey’s extensive vocabulary and mastery of English, he bought the erudite primate immediately.

Then that very evening, Pete took his new pet to his local bar, and he bet everyone twenty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Ten people immediately accepted the challenge, but, despite much prompting from Pete, the monkey failed to say a word.

Pete was extremely disappointed, but he had no choice but to pay up.

However, when he got home, the monkey was talking freely once again.

So the next evening, Pete decided he would return to the bar and try again.

This time, he bet everyone thirty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Given the experience of the previous evening, most of the patrons in the bar were more than willing to accept Pete’s bet.

Sadly for Pete, his monkey wouldn’t say a word, and once again, it proved to be an expensive evening.

When he got home with the monkey, Pete was annoyed with his pet, and he said, “I’ve had it with you, tomorrow you’re going back to the pet shop and I’m claiming a refund.

Calm down,” the monkey responded. “Just think about the odds; we’ll be able to get into the bar tomorrow evening.

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5 Really funny jokes I know you’ll just love

If you’re looking for some really funny jokes then I’ve got five good ones today. I’m confident you’ll love them all.

So take a few moments to enjoy them and then please pass them on to your friends.

Really funny jokes:

1. A companion for Adam:

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden, feeling very lonely.

So he went to God and said, “Lord, I’m lonely. I’ve got no one to talk to.

God smiled at Adam and said, “I was thinking about giving you a companion called Woman.”

Woman?” Adam responded, quizzically.

Yes”, said God. “She’ll cook for you; clean for you; and wash your clothes. She’ll bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to help care for them. She’ll agree to whatever you say. She’ll never nag you and always admit when she’s wrong. She won’t bear a grudge, and she’ll dress to please you. And of course, she’ll make love to you whenever you want her to.

Wow,”  said Adam. “That sounds fantastic. How much would a woman like that cost me?

An arm and a leg,”  God replied.

Oh!” said Adam. “What can I get for a rib?

2. Following orders:

At Fort Leavenworth, three platoon sergeants are standing together on the parade ground, discussing which one of them has the bravest men.

Sergeant O’Malley calls one of his men over and says, “Climb that flagpole, and when you get to the top, jump off. That’s an order, soldier!

The soldier follows the order and, in jumping off, breaks his leg.

Sergeant O’Malley looks at his colleagues and says, “That’s how tough my men are.”

Not to be outdone, Sergeant Rivera calls over one of his men and says, “Climb onto the roof of the administration block over there, and when you get on the roof, jump off. That’s an order, soldier!

The soldier follows the order and, in jumping off, breaks both legs.

Sergeant Rivera looks at his colleagues and says, “I think that proves my men are tougher.”

Finally, Sergeant Kowalski calls over one of his men and says, “Get in that helicopter over there, and when the pilot gets to 1,000 feet, jump out. That’s an order, soldier!

The soldier looks at him and laughs before replying, “Screw you, sergeant. You can stick your order where the sun don’t shine.

Sergeant Kowalski looks at his colleagues and says, “Gentlemen, I think you’ll agree; that is real bravery!

3. Accidental transposition:

A hiker staggers into a pub in a remote part of County Mayo, Ireland. He’s shaken, his clothes are torn, and he’s full of scratches.

What has happened to you?” the bartender asks, as he pours a large Bushmills for the hiker to help with the shock.

The hiker sips his whiskey and then says, “I was attacked by a leopard!

Really?” says the bartender.

Yes, really! A leopard! In Ireland!” the hiker responds. He takes another sip of whiskey and then says, “Naturally, I tried to run, but you can’t outrun a leopard, can you?

No,”  the bartender responds sympathetically, before saying. “So, what happened then?”

“Well,” says the hiker, it knocked me to the ground; we rolled around a bit, but weirdly enough, it then just gave me a sad look and left.

Ah, you met Father Brennan,” the bartender responds knowingly.

What do you mean?” asks the hiker, confused.

Father Brennan was our parish priest,” says the bartender. “He was a kind-hearted man, totally committed to serving his congregation. One day, a year or so ago, he was out walking, and he found a lamp with a genie. He was granted a wish, and he said that all he wanted was to be a good shepherd to the community.”

Looking slightly puzzled, the hiker said, “I don’t understand; what’s a shepherd got to do with it?

Ah, well, there you have it,” says the bartender, “You have to be careful when you’re prone to spoonerisms.”

4. Going away with the boss:

George called his wife one day from the office and said, “Honey, I’ve been asked to go fishing on a lake up in Wyoming with my boss and a couple of his friends, and we’re leaving tonight. We’ll be away for the rest of the week.

Really?” his wife, Jane, responded.

Look, I know it’s a bit short notice,” George responded, “but this will be a great opportunity for me to schmooze with the boss and press for that promotion I’ve been chasing.

OK, I guess I’ll just have to live with it then,” said Jane.

I’ll need your help, though,” said George. “I need you to pack enough clothes for the rest of the week and set out my rod and tackle box. I’ll stop by and collect them later. Oh, can you pack my new blue silk pyjamas too please?”

Jane thought his last request was a little suspicious, but she did as he asked.

When George returned from his trip, Jane asked him how it had gone.

I’m a bit tired,”  said George, “but otherwise, it was a great trip.”

“Did you catch many fish?” Jane inquired.

“Oh, yes!” George responded. “The fish were biting, and I caught more than anyone else. But, how come you didn’t pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked?”

“I did, honey!” said Jane. “They were in your tackle box.”

5. The monkey and the lion:

It was a warm afternoon in Serengeti National Park.

Two monkeys were sitting high in a tall tree, watching a lion sleep peacefully on the ground far below.

One of the monkeys said to the other, “Hey, I dare you to go down and give that lion a kick in the butt.

The other monkey was always up for a dare, and so he agreed immediately.

Yes, I can do that,”  said the monkey. And with that, he ran down the tree.

Once on the ground, he walked around the lion to check if it was still asleep. Then he went to the rear of the lion and kicked it as hard as he could in the butt.

Woken suddenly, the lion roared, and the monkey started running as fast as he could.

The lion was angry and gave chase immediately.

Needless to say, the lion was fast, and it didn’t take long for it to get within fifty yards of the monkey.

Realizing it needed to act fast if it wasn’t to be eaten, the monkey picked up a newspaper that had been discarded by tourists.

The monkey then sat on a tree stump, hid behind the newspaper, and pretended to read it.

Moments later, the lion arrived and said, “Excuse me, did you see a monkey pass this way?

Do you mean the one that kicked the lion in the butt?” the monkey responded.

Oh, no!” groaned the lion. “It’s not in the papers already, is it?

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these really funny jokes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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7 best dad jokes that’ll tickle you silly

Are you looking for some of the best dad jokes, dear reader?

Well, take a look at these seven on offer today. Certainly, they’re all ‘full groan”.

I hope they make you smile.

Please feel free to share them.

Best dad jokes:

1. The shopping trip:

Wilma was an 80-year-old lady out shopping with her long-suffering, elderly husband Jack.

In the challenging economic times in which they now live, Wilma and Jack were finding that their budget was a bit tight.

So, in desperation, Wilma resorts to shoplifting.

Unfortunately for her, she gets caught in the act, and she finds herself standing in front of a judge.

Mam, could you tell me exactly what it was you stole?” asked the judge.

Yes, your honour,” Wilma responded. “I stole a can of peaches.”

And how many peaches were in the can?” the judge continued.

Your honour, I believe it was six,” said Wilma.

Then I’ll sentence you to six days in jail,” said the judge.

Before the judge could utter another word, Jack quickly interjected and said, “Your honour, you should also be aware that she stole a family-sized can of peas too.

2. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny lived in Quebec with his parents.

Johnny loved to hear his parents talk about family traditions and in particular the exploits of his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather when they were all young men.

Johnny’s favourite story was the one about each of them walking on water on their 18th birthday.

Eventually around comes Johnny’s 18th birthday and he’s determined to emulate what his father, grandfather and great-grandfather were able to achieve and that was walking across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So, on his birthday, Johnny sets off for that bar with his friend Jim.

Johnny steps on the water first and quickly finds himself submerged and struggling to swim back to the bank, where he’s helped by Jim.

Johnny’s not happy and, when he gets home, he challenges his mother about the truth of all those family stories.

It’s my 18th birthday, ma,” said Johnny, “if those stories were true, how come I couldn’t walk on water?

Johnny,” his mother responded. “it’s August! Your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were all born in January when the lake is frozen.”

Michael Rubinstein is a wealthy Manhattan art dealer.

Late one afternoon he gets a phone call from his attorney, Jack Greenbaum.

Hey, Michael,” says Jack, “I have some good news and I have some bad news for you.”

Oh, Jack, I’m having a lousy day,” Michael responds, “cheer me up with some good news first.”

Well,” says Jack, “I met with your wife earlier and she informs me that she’s invested $5,000 in two pictures that she believes will bring her 20 million dollars. And I think she’s right.”

Wow,” says Michael, “it seems my wife’s got a good head for business. So, what’s the bad news?

The pictures are of you in an Acapulco hotel room with your secretary,” says Jack, “when you told your wife you were in Europe on business.”

Pete and Zak were racing down the highway on Pete’s motorcycle.

Now Pete was wearing a leather jacket, but the zip was broken, so the jacket was open. Eventually Pete pulled over and said to Zak, “Listen, Buddy, with my jacket open, the cold weather is really starting to get to me. It’s freezing.”

Zak suggested he put his jacket on back to front so his chest would be covered.

Pete did as suggested, and the two of them then got back on the bike and off they went at high speed.

A couple of miles down the road, Pete took a bend at high speed, misjudged the manoeuvre, and crashed into a tree.

A farmer, who’d been working in the field nearby was the first on the scene.

Very soon after a Highway Patrolman arrived.

The cop says to the farmer, “Any signs of life?

Well,” said the farmer, “the guy riding the bike was moaning, until I twisted his head to try and get it round the right way.”

A group of husbands are all waiting outside the maternity ward whilst their wives are all in labour.

Eventually the ward sister comes out and says to the first guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

Now, that’s ironic,” says the guy, “because I work for Minnesota Twins.”

The ward sister then says to the second guy, “I got some news for you too. You’re the father of triplets. Congratulations!”

Now, that’s incredible,” says the guy, “because I work for the 3M company.”

The ward sister smiles at the third guy and then says, “Believe it or not, you’re now the father of quadruplets. Congratulations!

Well, ain’t that a coincidence,” says the guy, “because I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.”

At this point, the fourth guy passes out on the floor.

The ward sister and her colleagues rush to his aid and get him back on his feet. “Are you alright?” says the ward sister.

I’m afraid of the news you’re about to tell me,” says the guy, “I work for 7Up!

Jim was learning Spanish, and he went off to Mexico for some deep immersion in using the language.

However, he decided it might be useful to hire a Mexican guide to help him with conversation.

As they are walking through Tijuana, Jim notices an enormous fly and he says to his guide, “Jose, mira! El mosca.”

Jose smiles benevolently and says, “No, Senor, la mosca. Es feminina.”

Really?” says Jim. “You can actually see that from here?

7. Magic glasses:

Bill is browsing in a joke shop looking for a novelty gift when the shop owner says to him, “If you’re looking for something unusual, I’ve got just the thing.

And what’s that?” asks Bill.

Magic glasses,” said the owner. “They cost $500 but, believe me, they’re worth every cent.”

The owner then hands Bill a pair of these glasses and he tries them on.

Well, he can’t believe what he’s seeing. The owner now appears completely naked.

Bill removes the glasses to check and sure enough, without them the owner is fully clothed. He puts them on again and he sees the owner naked once more.

They’re amazing,” said Bill. “I’ll take them.”

Bill leaves the shop wearing the glasses and then walks down Main Street.

Everyone he passes appears completely naked.

Bill is so pleased with his purchase that he decides to surprise his wife at home before returning to the office.

Bill’s still wearing the glasses when he walks into their living room.

Sitting on the sofa, he sees both his wife and his neighbour both completely naked.

They both recoil in horror on suddenly seeing Bill.

Bill then takes off the glasses only for them both to still appear naked.

Well, I’ll be damned!” said Bill. “I’ve had them for less than half an hour and they’re already faulty.”

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5 seriously funny jokes that’ll tickle you silly

If you’re searching for some seriously funny jokes, dear reader, then I’ve got five here just for you which I’m sure will make you laugh.

They all made me laugh, so I hope you enjoy them too.

Seriously funny jokes:

1. Bell ringer wanted:

Quasimodo placed an advertisement in the local newspaper for an assistant bell ringer.

Unfortunately, there was just one applicant for the job. What was even more unfortunate was that the man applying for the job had no arms.

Quasimodo looked him up and down and then asked quizzically, “How will you be able to do what will be required of you?

Let me show you,” said the man, who then proceeded to run at the bell and strike it with his head.

Well, that’s incredible!” exclaimed an astonished Quasimodo. “Could you show me that again?

Sure, I can,” said the man, and once again he ran at the bell but this time he missed and fell straight out of the bell tower to his death on the ground below.

A crowd gathered around the corpse lying on the ground. A police officer quickly appeared on the scene and asked, “Can anyone identify this poor man?

Quasimodo responded, “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.

2. Mrs Kelly’s parrot:

Father Malone was new to his Brooklyn parish, and he was visiting one of his parishioners, a little old lady.

Sitting in her living room with a cup of tea, he looked around and noticed she had a pet parrot, which had ribbons tied to each leg.

Father Malone looked for a moment and then he politely enquired, “Mrs Kelly, why does your parrot have ribbons tied to its legs?

Mrs Kelly smiled and said, “Well believe or not Father, if I pull the left ribbon he’ll sing ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’, and if I pull the right one he’ll sing, ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ for me.

Really? That’s impressive Mrs Kelly,” responded the priest. “And what happens if you pull both ribbons together?

I’ll fall off the bloody perch!” said the parrot.

3. Lesson learned:

Rick and Mike are two graduate students browsing the oldest part of their college library. They are looking through some musty old shelves in the Special Collection, in the hope they can find something meaningful that will add value to their dissertations.

As he’s browsing one shelf, Rick pulls out a particularly old-looking volume, and when he opens it, a genie pops out. “Thank you for freeing me from that book,” says the genie. “As a reward, I will grant you one wish. You can have either great wealth, great beauty, or great wisdom. What’s your preference?

Rick’s a PhD student, so he thinks wisdom will be his best choice.

I’ll have great wisdom, please,” says Rick.

It’s yours!” says the genie. With that, he snaps his fingers, and there’s a Poof! sound and the genie disappears in a flash.

Rick is left stunned with a look of wonder in his eyes.

Now, Mike has been watching this unfold and can’t quite believe what he’s seen. Breaking the silence between the two of them, Mike says, “So, go on buddy, share some wisdom with me!

Rick looks down at the book he’s holding, looks back up again, blinks and then says, sadly, “I should have taken great wealth.”

4. Know your own mind:

After his sermon on the challenges of dealing with a controlling personality, Father O’Malley said to the men in his congregation, “If you know that your wife is controlling you, step forward.

Every man in the congregation stepped forward except Bert.  

Father O’Malley smiled because at least he had one strong, confident man in his congregation.

Now, Bert,” Father O’Malley continued, “tell us why you were unwilling to step forward.

Bert quietly replied, “Because my wife said I would regret it if I did.”

5. The tap-dancing duck:

A circus owner walked into a bar in Wyoming where everyone inside was crowded around one table.

In the middle of this table was an upturned flower pot with a duck tap dancing on top of it.

Everyone was cheering at the duck’s antics and the circus owner, having a good nose for a crowd-pleaser, thought this was an attraction he should grab with both hands. So immediately he bought both the duck and the flower pot from the bar’s owner for $1,000.

He took the duck back to his circus and promoted his new attraction heavily. Well, it wasn’t long before people were coming from miles around eager to catch a glimpse of the tap-dancing duck.

Sadly there was a widespread disappointment because the duck simply refused to perform. It wouldn’t dance a single step.

Naturally, the circus owner was angry and he returned to the bar immediately with the duck to complain to the man who sold it to him, the bar’s owner.

This duck’s a fraud,” complained the circus owner, “He won’t dance a single step for me!

That’s very odd,” said the bar owner. “Did you remember to light the candle under the flower pot?

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So dear reader, were these seriously funny jokes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so.

If they made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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27 cheesy dad jokes that will tickle you silly

If you’re looking for some cheesy dad jokes, then here are 27 little gems that might just tickle you.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all.

Cheesy Dad Jokes:


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Were these cheesy dad jokes funny?

Did they make you smile?

If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Just click on the links below.

Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

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5 of the best funny jokes you’ll read today

Looking for some of the best funny jokes to brighten your day? Then there are 5 little gems here that should make you smile.

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them.

Best funny jokes:

1. Career change:

Bill’s a gynaecologist by profession but he was getting bored with his job, so he decided that it was time for a career change.

In his spare time, Bill had always had a passion for fast cars, so getting involved with cars in some way seemed like a good thing to do.

After a few weeks of reflection, Bill decides to retrain as a car mechanic.

He takes a course at his local adult education college and studies very hard.

Eventually, it’s time for him to take the official examination to qualify as a car mechanic.

Now Bill needs to get a minimum score of 60% if he’s to pass the exam but he finishes with a score of 110%.

Well, the college principal is puzzled. How can anyone get 110%?

So, he calls in the examiner and asks, “How is it that this guy was given 110% in the exam? You think he’s something special just because he used to be a doctor?

Well sir,” said the examiner, “his theoretical test was perfect, and his practical test was exceptional. I asked him to tune the engine. He did it perfectly. I asked him to change the oil. Again, he did it perfectly. And then I asked him to change the spark plugs. Yet again, he did it perfectly.

So what?” says the principal. “He did everything right so that usually means 100%, surely? Why 110%?

He did everything through the exhaust pipe,” the examiner replied.

2. The new restaurant:

Jack and Barney were two elderly gentlemen sitting and talking in Jack’s living room.

Eventually, their conversation touches on the subject of food.

Hey,” says Jack, “last week we went out to a new restaurant and the food was fantastic. I would definitely recommend it.”

Really?” says Barney. “What’s the name of this restaurant?

Well, Jack had to give that some thought, as his memory wasn’t what it was.

After a few moments, Jack said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? The red one with thorns.”

You mean a rose?” said Barney.

Yeah, that’s the one,” Jack replied.

He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last week?

3. Memory problems:

Arthur, Chester, and Clarence are three elderly brothers who are 92, 94 and 96 respectively and still living together.

One night Clarence fills his bathtub with water, ready to take a bath. After a few moments, he puts his right foot in the tub and then pauses momentarily.

He then yells down to his brothers, “Was I getting in or out of the tub?

Chester yells back, immediately, “I don’t know, Clarence. Give me a moment and I’ll come upstairs and check it for you.”

With that Chester starts climbing the stairs.

After taking a few steps he pauses. He then yells, “Was I going up the stairs or down?

Arthur is sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and he can’t help smiling at his brothers’ memory problems.

He shakes his head and then says, “Jeez, I hope I never get as forgetful as you two.

With that Arthur knocks on the wooden table a couple of times for good luck.

He then pauses before he yells, “I’ll be up to help both of you in a minute, as soon as I see who’s at the door.

4. Spanish vacation:

Jane and Phil are a married couple who are taking a well-earned vacation in Spain.

After a day of sightseeing, they decide to go to a nice Spanish restaurant for dinner.

As they’re being seated at their table, they can’t help but notice that the couple on the next table are being served a dish with two of the largest meatballs they’ve ever seen.

When the waiter arrives to take their order, Phil asks, “The meatball dish the couple on the next table is having looks delicious, what is it?

The waiter smiles and then says, “Senor, the meatballs are the testicles from the bull killed in the bullfight this afternoon. This dish is a classic in Spain.

It looks great, says Phil. “We’ve decided we’re both going to try it.

Ah, senor,” the waiter responds, “for this dish we only have one serving each day, for obvious reasons. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we can hold them for you.”

Determined to try this classic Spanish dish, the couple arrive early the following day to place their order.

They sit at their table enjoying a glass of Sangria whilst they wait for their much-anticipated meatball dish.

Eventually, the dish arrives but the meatballs are disappointingly small.

Phil calls the waiter over and says, “What’s this? Yesterday’s testicles were enormous. Today they’re tiny in comparison.”

The waiter smiles politely and then says, “Senor, I’m so sorry but today the bull won.

5. Pay attention:

Best Funny Jokes

A college professor is starting the new academic year with the Veterinary Medicine 101 class.

The Professor welcomes the new class and then says, “In Veterinary Medicine there are two important qualities you’ll need as a Veterinarian. The first quality is that you must never be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.

The professor paused momentarily to allow the class time to reflect on his comment.

He then pulled back the sheet in front of him and stuck his finger into the butt of the dead cow that was under the sheet. After a moment he withdrew his finger and immediately stuck his finger into his mouth.

Now, go ahead,” said the professor to the students. “I want you to do what I’ve just done.”

Well, there was much hysteria in the class, and they all hesitated for several minutes before anyone was willing to have a go. However, eventually, they all took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and then sucking it. Naturally, this was followed by a lot of retching and spitting.

Once they’d all had the chance to complete this first task, the professor continued, “Now the second most important quality you’ll need as a Veterinarian is observation.”

Once again, he paused monetarily to allow the class time to reflect on his comment.

If you’d been watching me carefully,” the professor continued, “you’ll have noticed that it was my middle finger that I inserted into the cow. Whereas it was my index finger that I sucked. So, today’s lesson is this. You’ll need to learn to pay attention if you’re going to succeed as a vet.”

Please share the fun:

So, were any of these the best funny jokes you’ve read today, dear reader? I hope so.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

5 of the best jokes ever just for you

If you’re looking for some of the best jokes ever, then here are five which I think you might just enjoy. They all made me smile and they should tickle your funny bone too.

So take a few moments to have a laugh and please feel free to pass them on.

Best ever jokes:

1. A hard act to follow:

Rick walks out of his office in Manhattan one evening just as there’s a cab approaching. He hails the cab and, as he’s getting in, he says to the cab driver, “Now that’s perfect timing. Am I lucky or what?

The cab driver smiles and says, “You’re just like Bill Smith.”

Who’s Bill Smith?” asks Rick.

Oh, he’s just some guy who always managed to do everything perfectly,” the cab driver responds.

How do you mean?” asks Rick.

Well,” says the driver, “like your situation now. You’re in need of a cab and I’m right here for you when you need me. That would happen to Bill, every time.

Oh, come on,” says Rick. “No one’s life’s that perfect. There’ll always be a few clouds, surely?”

Not for Bill,” the cab driver responds. “He was a top athlete. He played golf with a handicap that any top pro would love to have. He played tennis better than John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg. He could sing opera better than Pavarotti and he could dance better than Fred Astaire. And he was a Grade A student with a photographic memory. He never ever forgot a birthday.

Really?” Rick responds.

Really!” says the cab driver. “He could fix any little problem around the house. He had encyclopaedic knowledge about wine and good food. And he was an entertaining raconteur and storyteller. The life and soul of any party. And to top it all, he was always in perfect shape. No, no one will ever match up to Bill Smith, that’s for sure.

Oh, come on,” says Rick. “no one’s that perfect. How do you know this guy, anyway?

Well, I never met him,” says the cab driver, “but I’m married to his widow.”

2. In search of the truth:

One day Joseph Stalin was feeling bored, so he starts thinking about what he can do to amuse himself.

After reflecting on his problem for a while, he decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst ordinary people to find out what they really think of him.

So, he organises a job for himself in a local factory on the outskirts of Moscow and he starts working there.

On his first day, he’s doing everything he can to fit in and when he gets the opportunity, he strikes up a conversation with one of his fellow workers.

As they seem to be getting along well, Stalin suggests that they eat their lunch together in the yard.

As they eat lunch, they make a little small talk for a while and then, when Stalin gets his chance, he asks his new friend, “What do you really think of Stalin?

Feeling a little paranoid, his friend starts looking around furtively before he responds in a whisper, “We can’t talk about that here, it really wouldn’t be safe.

Stalin gives him a knowing look in response and suggests they meet after work to discuss it further.

So, they meet up after work in the village where his new friend lives and when he gets the opportunity, once again, Stalin asks the question, “What do you really think of Stalin?

Well, the guy looks paranoid again and starts looking around him, nervously, to see who might be listening. Then in a whisper, with his finger to his mouth, he says, “Schhh! We can’t talk about that here. It’s much too dangerous. Someone might hear us.”

Stalin gives him a knowing look once again and then suggests that they go for a walk in the neighbouring countryside.

For the next hour they walk out into the hills surrounding the village and eventually they’re so far away, they can’t see another person anywhere.

At this point, Stalin says, “It looks like we’re safe to talk now. So, what do you really think of Stalin?

His new friend looks around furtively, then he leans in close to Stalin and whispers. “I kinda like him.”

3. The price of honesty:

Best Jokes Ever

There was a young kid called Jim who lived in the country.

Like country folk everywhere, when they needed to go, Jim’s family had to use an outhouse.

Young Jim did not find this a pleasant experience.

In the summer it was much too hot and, in the winter, it was too cold. And all year round, it was very smelly.

Now the outhouse was located on the bank of a creek and one day Jim realised that, with a little effort, it could be pushed into the creek.

He waited for his opportunity and one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and Jim decided that this was as good a day as any to push the outhouse into the creek.

With that, he found a long pole and started pushing. Finally, with one last shove, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night Jim’s dad was not happy, and he told him that, after supper, they were going to the woodshed.

Jim knew what this meant. He was in big trouble and punishment would follow.

Nevertheless, he asked his dad, “Why?

To which his dad responded, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, son, wasn’t it?

Yes dad, it was,” said Jim. He then thought momentarily before he said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree but didn’t get punished because he told the truth.”

Well, son,” said his dad, “George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in that cherry tree at the time, was he?

4. The Chinese Doctor:

Dr Chow Ming leaves Hong Kong for the United States in search of a better life.

He arrives in New York, but he can’t find a job.

However, Dr Ming is a resourceful and enterprising guy, so he opens his own clinic.

A few weeks after the clinic opens, a lawyer is walking by and he reads the sign in the window, which says: –

  • EVERY TREATMENT COST – $20
  • IF WE CAN’T CURE YOU – YOU GET $100 BACK

Well, this guy is a top Wall Street, corporate lawyer and he sees this as an opportunity to have some fun and make a little pocket money.

The lawyer walks into the clinic to be greeted warmly by Dr Ming, who says, “Good morning. What seems to be problem?

Well,” says the lawyer, “I’ve lost my sense of taste.”

Nurse!” says Dr Ming. “Bring medicine from Drawer Number 8 and put three drops on his tongue.

The nurse dutifully does as she’s asked.

Open your mouth wide, please sir,” says the nurse to the lawyer.”

With that, she puts the drops of medicine on his tongue, and the lawyer immediately starts coughing and sputtering.

That’s not medicine!” exclaims the lawyer. “It’s kerosene!

Excellent!” says Dr Ming. “Your taste is restored. That will be $20, please.”

The lawyer’s not happy but he has little choice but to pay the $20 and then leave.

Nevertheless, he’s determined to get the $100, so after a few days he returns, and Dr Ming recognises him immediately.

Back again, so soon?” says Dr Ming.

I’m sorry, have we met before?” asks the lawyer. “You see, I’ve lost my memory.

Nurse,” says Dr Ming, “please bring medicine from Drawer Number 8 and put three drops on his tongue.”

The nurse dutifully does as she’s asked.

Open your mouth wide, please sir,” says the nurse to the lawyer.”

With that, she puts the drops of medicine on his tongue, and the lawyer immediately starts coughing and sputtering.

More kerosene!” says the lawyer. “You gave me that last time for restoring my taste.

Excellent!” says Dr Ming. “Your memory is restored. That will be $20, please.”

The lawyer’s not happy but he has little choice but to pay the $20 and then leave.

However, he’s more determined than ever to get one over on Dr Ming.

One week later he returns to the clinic and again Dr Ming recognises him.

My eyesight has become so weak, I’m virtually blind,” says the lawyer.

Unfortunately, I have no medicine for that,” says Dr Ming, “so I must give you $100.

With that, Dr Ming hands the lawyer a $20 bill.

The lawyer looks at what he’s been given and then says, “But this is only $20, not $100!

Excellent!” says Dr Ming. “Your eyesight is restored. That will be $20, please.”

5. The problem with ducks:

Best Jokes Ever

Ethel, Mabel, and Agnes were three old ladies who’d sadly passed away and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

St Peter’s scanning an iPad momentarily, looking to see whether these three old ladies are on his list for admittance to Heaven.

Eventually, he says, “Ladies, welcome to Heaven. There’s just one rule you must all follow and that is, you must never step on a duck.”

Well, as Ethel, Mabel and Agnes walk through the Pearly Gates, they soon realise that there are ducks literally everywhere. There are millions of them.

Naturally, the old ladies do their very best to avoid stepping on any of the ducks, but they find it very difficult.

Ethel only manages one hour before she steps on a duck.

Within seconds St. Peter appears with the ugliest, most hideous-looking man she’d ever seen.

Ethel,” says St Peter, “the penalty for stepping on a duck is for you to be chained to this wretch, face to face, for eternity.”

With that, St Peter disappeared and Ethel is stuck with her ugly companion for eternity.

Now Mabel manages a whole afternoon before she too stepped on a duck.

Once again, St Peter suddenly appears with the ugliest, most hideous-looking man she’d ever seen.

Mabel,” says St Peter, “the penalty for stepping on a duck is for you to be chained to this wretch, face to face, for eternity.”

With that, St Peter disappears and Mabel is stuck with her ugly companion for eternity.

Now, Agnes got through the whole of her first day in Heaven without stepping on a duck but the following morning she wasn’t quite so fortunate.

St Peter suddenly appears with the best-looking guy that Agnes had ever seen.

Agnes,” says St Peter, “the penalty for someone like you stepping on a duck is for you to be chained to this man, face to face, for eternity.”

Wow!” said Agnes looking dreamily into the guy’s eyes, “What did we do to deserve this?

Lady, I don’t know what you did,” the guy responds, “but all I did was step one of those ducks!

Please share the fun:

So, were any of these jokes worthy contenders for the best jokes ever, dear reader? I hope so.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes to brighten your day

Cosmo Kramer quotes
Photo by Alan Light

One of the most memorable sitcom characters of all time has to be Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld, played by the excellent Michael Richards. So let’s take a look back at some of the best Cosmo Kramer quotes that made us all smile back in the day.

If you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Cosmo Kramer, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom on YouTube. They’re all brilliant and well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes, which I hope will brighten your day.

Cosmo Kramer Quotes:

  1. Look away, I’m hideous.
  2. She’s got the Jimmy legs!
  3. Moles … freckles’ ugly cousin.
  4. Just make love to that wall pervert.
  5. You’re as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.
  6. Yeah, don’t worry, Jerry. We’re right on this guy like stink on a monkey.
  7. Because I’m like ice, buddy. When I don’t like you, you’ve got problems.
  8. Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak; you sell the sizzle.
  9. There’s nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of a woman.
  10. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure, my twinkle! Everything I have, I owe to this face.
  11. Now, what does the little man inside you say? See, you gotta listen to the little man.
  12. Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious.
  13. I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
  14. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!
  15. Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humour. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find any of these Cosmo Kramer quotes memorable and amusing, dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

4 Contenders for Dad’s Joke of the Day to tickle you

Dad's Joke of the Day

If you’re looking for some contenders for Dad’s joke of the day, then I’ve got four gems here for you today, dear reader.

They all amused me, and I’m confident that, at least, one or two of them will tickle you too.

So, take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

And feel free to pass them on.

Dad’s Joke of the Day:

1. The Shipwreck:

Ten people are desperately hanging on to a rope under a helicopter being lifted away from the wreckage of a ship in stormy seas.

There are nine men and just one woman.

As they cling on for their lives, they begin to realise that the rope is simply not strong enough to bear the weight of ten people.

Naturally, they decide they must do something.

After talking amongst themselves, they decide that one of them must sacrifice themselves for the greater good, otherwise, they’ll all die.

An argument then began as to who that person should be.

After a few moments of heated debate, the woman gave a very touching speech.

I’m a woman,” she said, “and sacrifice is part of every woman’s life. We give everything for our families and in support of men everywhere. For the greater good, I will make this one last sacrifice.”

Well, the nine men were so impressed with her speech that they all began clapping.

While the woman was airlifted to safety alone.

Moral of the Story: You underestimate a woman at your peril.

2. The New Teacher:

Rick was a former sergeant in the US Marine Corps when he accepted a job as a teacher in a tough inner-city high school.

However, just before the school year began, Rick injured his back, and he needed to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt, so it wasn’t noticeable.

Having been a Marine, Rick found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school.

These kids were smart punks and determined to put their new teacher to the test.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, Rick opened the window wide and then sat down at his desk.

At that moment, a strong breeze blew his tie over his shoulder.

Unfazed, Rick just picked up the stapler from his desk and stapled his tie to his chest to stop it from being blown around again.

Suddenly, there was a dead silence. You could hear a pin drop as these kids sat open-mouthed, struggling to comprehend what they’d just observed.

The rest of the year went by without any problems for Rick.

Moral of the Story: You don’t mess with an old US Marine.

3. The Dress:

Alison’s wedding day is fast approaching, and nothing’s going to dampen her excitement, not even her parents’ divorce.

Alison’s mother has found the perfect dress to wear, and everyone is convinced that she’ll be the best-dressed bride’s mother ever.

All is going smoothly until Alison suddenly learns that her father’s new young wife has bought the same dress as her mother.

So, Alison asks her father’s new wife to exchange it, but she refuses.

Definitely not!” says her father’s wife. “In this dress, I’ll look a million dollars, so I’m wearing it.”

Alison tells her mother the story and is surprised when her mother responds graciously, “Never mind, dear, I’ll just get another dress. After all, it is your special day.

A few days later, they go shopping, and they find another beautiful dress.

This one is even better than the first one. It makes her mother look stunning.

When they’re having lunch, Alison says to her mother, “Mom, aren’t you going to return the other dress? You don’t have another occasion when you’ll wear it.

Alison’s mother smiled and said, “Of course, I will, dear. I’ll be wearing it for the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding.”

Moral of the Story: If you think you can get one over on an older woman, think again.

4. The Job Advert:

Jim is unemployed and desperately searching for a job when he sees an advertisement in his local newspaper that says, “PHOTOGRAPHER WANTED: For photographing models for a Miami-based luxury women’s swimwear company.”

Now Jim’s handy with a camera and thinks this could be the perfect job for him.

However, on reflection, he thinks that perhaps it could all be just a practical joke.

So, he calls the number included in the advertisement.

Oh, hi!” says Jim when his call is answered. “The advertisement in my local newspaper suggests you need a photographer. Is this true, or is it just a practical joke?

No, it’s genuine,” says the guy at the other end of the line. “One of our photographers resigned after an argument with the boss last week, so we now need a new one.

That’s great,” says Jim. “I’m looking for a job, and I’m good with a camera. And I can start immediately.

OK. Well, I need to ask you a few questions,” says the guy. “Are you married? Our models tend to feel uncomfortable if they have pictures taken by married men.

Well, that’s understandable,” Jim responds, “but I’m single, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

Excellent!” says the guy. “Now, are you able to control yourself around attractive young women? Some of our models are stunningly beautiful.”

I have the greatest respect for women,” says Jim, “so I’m more than capable of keeping everything at a professional level.”

Brilliant!” says the guy. “Now, our photoshoots are often based on sandy beaches in exotic locations, so, do you have a passport?

Yes,” says Jim, “I do have a current passport.”

Right,” says the guy, “it sounds like you’re suitably qualified for the job.  How quickly can you get to Seattle?

Seattle?” Jim says, somewhat surprised. “The advertisement said the job’s based in Miami!

It is,” says the guy, “but Seattle is where the back of the line of applicants is right now.

Moral of the Story: A dream job will attract a lot of applicants.

Please share the fun:

So, were any of these jokes worthy contenders for Dad’s Joke of the Day, dear reader? I hope so.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

9 hilariously funny jokes that’ll tickle you silly

hilariously funny jokes

If you’re looking for some hilariously funny jokes, dear reader, then I have nine gems today that will tickle you silly. I’m confident they’ll brighten your day.

So take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them all.

Hilariously funny jokes:

1. National identity:

A Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a foreign war.

Their situation was quite desperate when the leader of their captors suddenly announces, “As enemies of our people, you’ll all be shot by firing squad. You’ll each be shot in turn. However we’re civilised people, so first you’ll each be allowed a final request.

The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to hear ‘Flower of Scotland’ played by the Band of the Scots Guards, to remind me of happy days in bonny Scotland.” He then shouts, “Scotland forever!

The Welshman says, “Well I’d like to hear ‘Men of Harlech’ sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir to remind me of the green, green grass of home and those happy times when I lived in the Valleys.” He then shouts, “God bless the Land of my Fathers!

The Irishman, not to be outdone, says, “For me, I want to hear ‘Danny Boy’ just one more time to remind me of the auld country. I want it sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell.” Then, taking his lead from his Celtic cousins he shouts, “Éirinn go Brách.

The leader of their captors then looks at the Englishman who’s remained silent up to this point. “So Englishman, what’s your request?” he says.

The Englishman responds, “I’d like to be shot first.

2. Nun outside a Dublin bar:

A guy is walking into a Dublin bar and standing right outside the door is a nun.

Top of the morning to you sister!” says the guy with a smile.

The nun looks at him sternly and says, “Before you enter this den of iniquity, please think about your mother and your father.

But sister, my poor mother and father have long since passed away, sadly. They’re with the angels now” the guy responds.

Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain,” says the nun.

Sister, what are you talking about? Have you ever had a drink?” asks the guy.

No! Certainly not!” says the nun.

Then in the name of God sister, how can you say it damages the brain if you’ve never actually had a drink?” asks the guy.

The guy thinks for a minute and then he says, “Listen, sister, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go in and get you a drink, you can try it and if you don’t like it then you can talk about it. But you can’t talk about something you’ve never even experienced.

The nun says, “Aye, alright, I’ll try a drink.

The guy then says, “So, what’ll you have then?

I don’t know”, says the nun “What do ladies generally drink?

The guy says, “All the ones I know like a glass of gin.

The nun smiles and says, “Alright, I’ll have a gin but get it in a cup so no one will notice.”

So the guy goes into the bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a pint of Guinness please bartender and a large gin. But can you put the gin in a cup?

The barman smiles at him and says, “Jeez, is that feckin’ nun hanging around outside again.

3. Life in Hell:

hilariously funny jokes

John did his best to lead a good and honest life but sadly, upon his passing, he’s allocated a place in Hell.

John arrives at the gates of Hell, a little disappointed and he’s looking fairly despondent when another man walks up to him and says, “Hello I’m Jim, you’re looking a little glum.

To which John replies, “Well, I thought I’d be enjoying a place in heaven right now but nothing ever works out like you think it will, does it?

Seeing John’s not very happy, Jim tries to cheer him up. “Listen, buddy, Hell isn’t so bad really.

John says, “Really?

Yeah, really”, says Jim. “Hey, do you like beer?

Yes I love beer”, John responds.

Then you’ll love Fridays here in Hell. Every Friday is beer day. We drink gallons and gallons of beer all day long. There’s no limit, you can drink as much as you like”, says Jim.

Doesn’t that make you sick and give you a terrible hangover?” asks John

No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Hey, do you like drugs?

Well, I did smoke a little Mary Jane in my College days”, says John.

Then you’ll love Saturdays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Saturday we smoke marijuana all day long. We smoke doobies as big as submarines. It’s fantastic.

Doesn’t that make you sick?” asks John

No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Do you like food?

Sure, who doesn’t like food? I love food,” says John.

Then you’re going to love Sundays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Sunday they roast Ox; a whole one for each of us. We stuff ourselves with roast Ox and all the trimmings all day long. In Hell, we do everything to excess and doing everything to excess is mandatory here. We’re dead, so no worries.

Wow!” says John. “Hell actually sounds like a really cool place.

It does, doesn’t it?” Jim responds.

Hey, are you Gay?” Jim then asks.

No”, says John “I love sleeping with women.

Jim frowns and says, “Hmm, in that case, you’ll hate Mondays.

4. Unrealistic expectations:

A recent engineering graduate is having an interview for his first job with a big technology company.

The young graduate is fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and he’s clearly very impressed with himself.

As the interview is nearing an end the Human Resources officer asks him, “So John, what are your expectations in terms of a starting salary?

The young graduate replies, “Well I’d be looking for something in the region of $125,000 a year. However, the exact figure I’d accept would depend on the benefits package.

His interviewer smiles and says, “Well John, what would you say to 5 weeks annual vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental cover, the company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, plus a company car, say a Ford Mustang GT?

The young graduate engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?

The HR officer replies, “Yes of course I am John, but you started it.

5. Bus full of ugly people:

A bus full of ugly people is involved in a head-on collision with a truck and all the passengers are killed.

They all arrive in heaven and, feeling sorry for them, God decides they can each have one wish.

A woman is the first person and she says, “I want to be gorgeous.

So God snaps his fingers and suddenly she is stunningly attractive.

A man is next and he makes a similar request. “I want to be handsome,” he says.

This goes on with each passenger in turn essentially making the same request. They all want to be irresistibly good-looking.

With a number of passengers yet to express their wishes, God notices that the last man in the line who has also yet to make a request is laughing hysterically.

By the time God gets to the last few people, the last man in the line is laughing uncontrollably and he’s rolling around on the ground.

When it comes to his turn the man laughs some more and then says, “I wish they’re all ugly again.

Moral of the story: In any group, there’s always one person hell-bent on making life difficult for everyone else.

6. A child’s view:

One evening, young Grace was sitting next to her grandfather as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time, Grace would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch her grandfather’s wrinkled face.

Fascinated by the lines on his face, she touched his cheek and then she touched her own, comparing how they felt so different.

After some thought, Grace asked, “Grandpa, did God make you?

He looked at her, smiled and said, “Yes, sweetheart, God made me a very long time ago.

Grace paused momentarily and then asked, “Did God make me too?

Her grandfather smiled and then responded, “Yes, munchkin, God made you too, but not so very long ago.

Grace touched his face once again and then she whispered, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?

7. The warrior and the old man:

A fleeing warrior is lost in the desert and he’s in desperate need of water.

Suddenly he sees what he thinks is a bar far off in the distance.

Hoping he might find water there, he hurries towards the bar only to find a little old man selling ties.

The warrior asks, “Do you have any water?

The old replies, “No I don’t have any water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.

The warrior is irritated by his response and says, “No! I don’t need an overpriced tie right now. I need water! Do you realize I’m armed? I could kill you. However, I must find water first.

Alright,” says the old man, “It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you don’t like me. I will show you that I’m the bigger person. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant, owned by my brother. It will have all the ice-cold water you need. God be with you“.

Muttering, the warrior staggers off over the hill.

Several hours later he staggers back, almost dead.

Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.

8. The magic trick:

Two broke and hungry friends, Bill and George walk into a pastry shop in Manhattan.

As the baker’s back is turned, Bill grabs three cookies quickly and stuffs them in his trouser pocket with lightning speed.

The baker’s back is still turned, so he doesn’t notice.

Bill smiles at George, winks his eye and says, “Did you see that? Did you see how clever I was there? You’ll never beat that will you?

Really? Do you think so? Watch this.” George replies.

He then says to the baker, “If you’ll give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick. And I promise you, you’ll be impressed.

So the baker hands him a cookie which George then eats.

Then George says to the baker: “I’ll need another cookie from you for my magic trick to work.

The baker is a bit suspicious but he gives George another cookie. Once again he eats the cookie.

Then George says, “I’m really sorry but I’ll need one more cookie if this trick is to work.

The baker is really not amused by now and he says, “Is this some kind of joke?

George assures him the trick is genuine and all will be revealed after the next Cookie. So the baker gives him another cookie which George promptly eats, once again.

The baker is starting to get mad and he yells, “So where’s the magic?

George points at Bill and then says: “You’ll find three cookies in this guy’s pocket. That’s magic!

9. A woman golfing:

A woman is out golfing. Playing off the first tee, she’s not quite got her swing right and she slices the ball on her first attempt and watches it disappear deep into the woods.

Not a great start she thinks. So she trudges off looking for her ball.

As she’s scratching around in the woods she can’t find her ball but she does find a frog stuck in a trap.

The frog is relieved to have finally been discovered, having been stuck there for quite some time. So the frog says to the woman, “Lady if you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.

Now, who wouldn’t want three wishes? So the woman immediately frees the frog.

The frog is grateful but then says, “Lady, thank you. I appreciate your help. However, I failed to mention that there will be a condition to your wishes.

A little puzzled, the woman asks, “And what’s that?

Well,” says the frog, “Whatever you wish for, your husband will also receive but multiplied by a factor of ten!

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s fine.

Then for her first wish, she says, “I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog smiles but warns her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world? He will be an Adonis and no woman will be able to resist his charms.

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s alright, because I will be the most beautiful woman in the world, so he will only have eyes for me.

With that there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is immediately transformed into the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog then says, “And for your second wish? What would you like?

For her second wish, the woman says, “I want to be the richest woman in the world.

Once again the frog feels compelled to issue a warning. “Lady, this will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman says, “That’s fine. We’re married, so what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.

Once again there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is suddenly the richest woman in the world.

The frog then says, “Right, it’s now time for your final wish. What will it be?

The woman replies, “I’d like a mild heart attack.

Moral of the story: Women are clever. So don’t mess with them.

Attention Ladies: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.

Male Readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

NOTE: And ladies if you’re still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen to men.

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