15 funny work quotes that will certainly resonate with you

funny work quotesToday I thought it would be amusing to explore some funny work quotes.

Personally, I love my work. I love having a sense of purpose and something to get me out of bed each day.

However, not everyone feels the way I do and anyway, it’s never a good idea to take anything too seriously.

Occasionally we must laugh at the nature of human existence. And a good place to start laughing is with the subject of work.

Love it or hate it, it dominates all our lives nevertheless. So today I’ve pulled together 15 funny work quotes to make you smile.

Once again these quotes come from many sources but one, in particular, I must acknowledge and that’s Cool Funny Quotes where you’ll find some of these and many more besides. So check it out.

Funny work quotes:

  1. Hard work never killed anybody but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen
  2. I don’t work on weekends or any other day that ends with “Y”. ~Author Unknown
  3. The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. ~Author Unknown
  4. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx
  5. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ~The Simpsons
  6. If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Where X is work; Y is play, and Z is keeping your mouth shut. ~Albert Einstein (well, maybe!)
  7. As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. ~Tom Goins
  8. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. ~John Gotti
  9. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be ‘meetings.’ ~Dave Barry
  10. He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. ~Paddy O’Dea
  11. Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so close to Monday? ~Author Unknown
  12. Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day! ~Author Unknown
  13. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery. ~Author Unknown
  14. Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels. ~Author Unknown
  15. I once had a job in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. ~Author Unknown

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If any of these funny quotes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

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15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes to brighten your day

Cosmo Kramer quotes

Photo by Alan Light

One of the most memorable sitcom characters of all time has to be Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld, played by the excellent Michael Richards. So let’s take a look back at some of the best Cosmo Kramer quotes that made us all smile back in the day.

If you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Cosmo Kramer, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom on YouTube. They’re all brilliant and well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes which I hope will brighten your day.

Cosmo Kramer Quotes:

  1. Look away, I’m hideous.
  2. She’s got the Jimmy legs!
  3. Moles … freckles’ ugly cousin.
  4. Just make love to that wall pervert.
  5. You’re as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.
  6. Yeah, don’t worry, Jerry. We’re right on this guy like stink on a monkey.
  7. Because I’m like ice, buddy. When I don’t like you, you’ve got problems.
  8. Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak you sell the sizzle.
  9. There’s nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of a woman.
  10. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure, my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
  11. Now, what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
  12. Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious.
  13. I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
  14. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!
  15. Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humour. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard.

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Did you find any of these Cosmo Kramer quotes memorable and amusing dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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5 brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day

hilarious joke of the dayIf you’re looking for some brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day then I’ve got five little gems for you here today. I’m confident they’ll all make you smile.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Hilarious joke of the day:

1. The Pull-Over:

Jim Murphy is a Texas State trooper patrolling the highway and he pulls over a car for speeding on the Interstate 35 about 15 miles north of Austin.

Officer Murphy approaches the car and asks the driver why he was speeding.

The driver gets out of his car and he’s very apologetic. 

I’m sorry officer,” says the driver, “but I’m a magician and juggler and I’m late for a show in Temple. If I don’t make it on time, I won’t get paid.”

Sir, this might be your lucky day,” says Officer Murphy, “because I love to watch juggling. So, if you can demonstrate some impressive juggling skills then I won’t give you a ticket.”

Oh, officer,” says the driver, “I can’t do that because my equipment has been sent on ahead and I don’t have anything to juggle.”

Well,” says Officer Murphy, “I have some flares in the trunk of my car, could you juggle them?

Sure!” says the driver.

So Officer Murphy gets five flares from the trunk, lights them all and hands them to the driver.

The driver then starts to juggle the flares with considerable skill.

Whilst doing so, another car pulls in behind the State trooper’s car. 

A drunken good old boy from Georgetown staggers out of this car, watches the juggling momentarily and then staggers over to Officer Murphy’s car, opens the rear door and climbs in. 

Officer Murphy watches him briefly and then goes over to his car and asks this guy what he thinks he’s doing.

“You might as well haul my butt off to jail officer,” says the drunk. “There ain’t no way I can pass that test right now.” 

2. Grumpy old man:

Dick and Doris are on a road trip on Interstate 5 from Sacramento to Albany, California.

They stop at a roadside diner for lunch.

After finishing their lunch, they leave the diner and continue on their journey to Albany. 

As they leave the diner, Doris forgetfully leaves her spectacles on the table. 

They’re driving along for about 45 minutes before Doris suddenly realises that she’s left her spectacles behind.

Dick,” Doris exclaims, “I left my spectacles on the table in the diner. I can’t be without them. We’ll have to go back.

Dick is really not happy about this, particularly as it’s another 20 minutes before they reach a junction where they can turn around and head back to the diner.

Doris,” said Dick, “I can never rely on you to get anything right, can I? We’ve added two  hours onto our journey just because you couldn’t remember your spectacles.”

For the entire journey back to the diner, Dick bitched and moaned in stereotypical grumpy old man fashion, blaming poor Doris for everything that was wrong in the world.

The more Dick chided her, the angrier he got and he didn’t let up for a single minute until eventually, they reached the diner.

As Doris got out of the car, she said, “I’ll be very quick, Dick, just bear with me one minute.”

Responding grumpily, Dick said, “Well, while you’re in there you might as well get my hat and the credit card I left behind.”

3. The Pope visits Liverpool:

The Pope’s on a visit to Liverpool and he’s handing out miracles to kids in a poor neighbourhood.

A young teenager named Jack walks up to him and says, “Holy Father, could you help me with my hearing?

The Pope says, “Yes, of course, my son.” He then puts his hands on Jack’s ears and starts praying.

After a few moments, the Pope removes his hands from Jack’s ears and says, “How’s your hearing now my son?

I don’t know, Hold Father,” says Jack, “I’m not up in Court until Thursday.”

4. The elevator ride:

hilarious joke of the dayAn old lady gets into an elevator on the Ground Floor of the Empire State Building in Manhattan.

On the very next floor, a young, well-dressed and beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling of very expensive perfume.

The young woman smiles at the old lady and notices she’s sniffing at the fragrance in the air. So, the young woman says, a little arrogantly, “Do you like it? It’s Dolce & Gabbana Dolce Eau de Parfum Spray and it’s $122.00 a bottle.

The old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

A couple of floors further up and the elevator stops again and in gets another beautiful young woman, once again, smelling of costly perfume.

As the old lady is once again sniffing at the fragrance in the air, this young woman smiles and says, “Do you like it? It’s Atelier Bloem Nieuw Amsterdam Eau de Parfum and it’s $195.00 a bottle.

Once again, the old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

Ten floors further up and the old lady is about to reach her destination when she couldn’t stop herself from dropping an ass blast, loudly, and there’s the most terrible smell.

As she’s leaving the elevator, and noticing the look on their faces, the old lady smiles at her two fellow passengers and says, “Do you like it? Broccoli. 48 cents a pound.”

5. The cab driver and the nun:

A cab driver picks up a nun on Central Park West.

The cab driver can’t help staring at his passenger.

Why are you staring at me?” asked the nun.

Well, Sister,” says the cab driver, “I’ve always had this fantasy to kiss a nun.

The nun smiles at him and says, ”I can only kiss you if you’re single and Catholic.

That’s lucky,” says the cab driver, “I’m both!

So they agree to pull over into an alley and the nun proceeds to kiss the driver in a way that would make a lady of the night blush.

As they continue on their journey, the cab driver starts feeling guilty.

Sister,” says the cab driver, “I have a confession to make.”

And what would that be?” asks the nun.

I lied to you,” says the cab driver. “I’m actually married and I’m Jewish.

That’s OK,” says the nun, “My name’s Keith and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, would any of these contenders be your hilarious joke of the day? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

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Thank you.

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21 witty short jokes to tickle you and brighten your day

Witty Short JokesIf you’re looking for some witty short jokes to make you smile, then here are 21 that I hope will brighten your day.

Enjoy them all and then please pass them on.

Witty Short Jokes:

  1. I saw a robbery in an Apple Store. Does that make me an iWitness?
  2. Q: Does February like March? A: No, but April May
  3. I have a fear of long distances, so I go to great lengths to avoid them.
  4. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.
  5. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  6. Q: What did the snowman say to the customer? A: Have an ice day!
  7. Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It’s pasteurized before you even see it!
  8. Q: Why do seals swim in saltwater? A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
  9. I had a fear of speed bumps but I slowly got over it
  10. Q: When does a duck wake up? A: At the quack of dawn.
  11. My girlfriend left me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I don’t have any.
  12. Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree? A: It sits on a leaf and waits till the Fall.
  13. I don’t normally tell dad jokes but when I do, he always laughs.
  14. Q: Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A: A convict.
  15. I went to my doctor to see why I had such an excessive fear of snakes. He said I have a reptile dysfunction.
  16. Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? A: No eye deer.
  17. A girl in the office asked me if I had a date for Valentine’s Day. I told her it’s always February 14th, as far as I know.
  18. Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers? A: Leeks!
  19. An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?” The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”
  20. Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who’s trying to quit smoking? A: A pumpkin patch!
  21. I have a fear of overly designed buildings. It’s a complex complex complex

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these witty short jokes as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share witty jokes, surely everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

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21 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

witty one-linersNow, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today I offer you 21 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

Witty One-Liners:

  1. I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
  2. If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. ~Ian Smith
  3. Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
  4. As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
  5. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  6. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  7. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  8. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  9. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
  10. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, Ah well, you only live once. ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  11. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
  12. If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
  13. People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
  14. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be? ~Paul McCaffrey
  15. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
  17. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
  18. What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, Two or three. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed ~Josie Long
  19. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  20. Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
  21. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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21 Clever One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Smile

Clever One-LinersI love funny and clever one-liners and over time I collect them in a journal. And when I’ve got enough I like to share them with readers. Anything that makes readers smile always results in a great reaction.

So today I offer you my latest collection, which I think are all very clever one-liners.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to identify the original authors, so I must classify them all as Author Unknown.

However, I’d be happy to add acknowledgements to each individual quote where readers are able to enlighten me accordingly.

So if you know who wrote them originally then please do let me know.

I’m sharing these clever one-liners with you because I am confident they’ll make you smile dear reader.

Certainly, they all made me smile, so I do hope you enjoy them too.

Clever One-liners:

  1. Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
  2. Arguing with your wife is unwise. Even if you win you lose.
  3. I can keep secrets, of course. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
  4. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  5. When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
  6. Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
  7. My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
  8. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
  9. You can’t make me do what you want me to do, you’re not my cat.
  10. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  11. The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.
  12. If you take away looks, money, intelligence, charm and success, there’s no difference between me and George Clooney.
  13. I really hate it when people ask for likes on social media. Like if you agree!
  14. You know you’re fat when you step on a ‘speak your weight’ scale and it says “one at a time please”.
  15. When I was at school 52% of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other 38%.
  16. My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my television.
  17. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 siblings but they didn’t know either.
  18. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
  19. I got called pretty yesterday and it felt really good. Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying” but I like to focus on the positive.
  20. You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t return then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
  21. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

Please share this post with your friends:

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Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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15 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smileHere is another batch of funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Once again I’ve been searching for the best smiles I can find just to brighten your day dear reader. I’ve done the hard work, so you don’t have to.

So sit back, relax and I hope you enjoy these funny one-liners just as much as I did.

And don’t forget your friends.

If you enjoyed these smiles then your friends probably will too.

So pass them on, but not before you’ve enjoyed them yourself.

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile:

  1. Never tell your secrets in a cornfield. There are too many ears
  2. Never give up on your dreams. Stay in bed and sleep on.
  3. I used to work as an origami teacher but I hated it. There was too much paperwork.
  4. They’ve just opened a new restaurant Downtown. It’s called Karma and they don’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
  5. Our local farmer has started feeding his cows with birdseed. That would explain why the milk is going cheep.
  6. There’s a store on Main Street where you can get dead batteries free of charge.
  7. Why is everything delivered by ship called a cargo and yet if it’s delivered by a van it’s called a shipment?
  8. Change your password to incorrect and then if you can’t quite remember it, your computer will say your password is incorrect.
  9. My sister bet me $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car using spaghetti. Her face was a picture when I drove pasta.
  10. A man delivers a load of bubble wrap. “Where do you want this he asks?” “Oh, just pop it in the corner” was the reply.
  11. A police recruit was asked during his exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
  12. I was amused to read the epitaph on the late dentist’s gravestone. It read “He’s now filling his last cavity.”
  13. Why do bees hum? Because they can never remember the words.
  14. Why are ghosts always bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
  15. What would you call someone with just a nose and no body? Nobody knows.

15 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smilePlease share this post:

So did these funny one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

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3 of the funniest jokes about law and order

funniest jokes about law and orderDear reader, are you in need of a good laugh? Well, here are 3 of the funniest jokes about law and order to brighten your day. They all made me smile, so I do hope you’ll enjoy them too.

They say laughter is the best medicine and I agree. When you’re feeling down and in need of cheering up, few things have a greater impact than a good joke.

So relax, take a few minutes and enjoy them all. And please feel free to pass them on.

Funniest jokes about law and order:

1. Rookie cop:

Jake is a rookie cop and he’s on his first day in a patrol car.

His partner is Vinny, an experienced cop who’s been around the block a few times and he knows the score.

Nothing much happens for the first hour of their shift but then suddenly they get a call on the radio asking them to disperse a group of people who’ve been reported as loitering on Main Street.

Let me deal with this one Vinny”, says Jake, all pumped up and ready to go.

OK buddy, go for it!” Vinny responds.

As their patrol car approaches Main Street they can see a small crowd on the corner.

So Jake jumps out of the patrol car, approaches the small crowd and says, “Okay people can we move along now, please. Come on now, quick as you can. Nothing to see here. Surely you’ve all got homes to go to?

The crowd ignores Jake’s instruction, so he feels compelled to repeat his command, “Come on now move along, please. There’s nothing to see here. Failure to comply with a police officer’s instruction is a misdemeanour and I will have to book you if you don’t move along.

Well, his comment about being booked seems to do the trick because people then start to drift away in different directions.

His confidence boosted by his apparent success, Jake gets back into the patrol car.

Jake smiles at Vinny and says, “Not a bad start don’t you think?

Yeah, I guess so”, says Vinny, “pity it was Bus Stop though.

2. Don’t mess with old people:

Fred is an older man living on his own when he spots burglars breaking into the shed in his garden one night.

Naturally, he’s left feeling a little insecure by this turn of events, so he calls 911.

Well, the 911 operator advises Fred that there are no patrol cars available in his area to help him right now.

So Fred hangs up the phone and waits for a few minutes before he calls 911 again.

I called you a few minutes ago to report burglars in my garden shed. Well you can cancel my request for help now because I’ve just shot them all”, says Fred.

Within minutes there are three patrol cars outside Fred’s house with sirens wailing and blue lights flashing.

One of the police officers marches up the drive and says to Fred, “I thought you said you’d shot them all?

And I thought you said that there were no patrol cars available,” says Fred.

Funniest Jokes About Law and Order3. Silence in court:

Jim is in the dock facing a double murder charge.

You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner”, says the Judge.

Hearing this charge, a man in the public gallery screams, “You bastard.

Ignoring this interruption the Judge continues, “You are also charged with beating your wife’s lover to death with a spanner.”

Again the man in the public gallery screams, “You bastard.

Irritated by this second interruption, the Judge turns her attention to the gallery and says, “Sir I understand your outrage at what are terrible crimes but I will not tolerate another such outburst in this courtroom. Interrupt again and you will be held in contempt of court.

I’m sorry your honour”, said the man, “but I’ve lived next door to this bastard for 12 years and every time I’ve asked to borrow a spanner he told me he didn’t have one.

Please share the fun:

I hope you found these the funniest jokes about law and order dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please do it now. I will be ever so grateful.

Thank you for your support.

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10 funny jokes guaranteed to have you howling with laughter

Funny JokesIf you enjoy a good laugh then these funny jokes are just for you. These 10 funny jokes are guaranteed to make you laugh. So sit back, relax and enjoy them all.

And once you’ve enjoyed them, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny Jokes:

1. The Tiny Pianist:

A guy walks into a New York bar pushing a small suitcase on wheels.

He takes a seat at the bar and then he begins to open the suitcase carefully.

With the suitcase open, he takes out the tiniest piano you’ve ever seen and places it on the bar. The bartender watches him, a little puzzled.

The guy then reaches back into the suitcase and takes out a tiny man. This little man is no taller than ten inches high and the guy then seats him at the tiny piano.

The tiny man then begins to play a piece by Chopin on the piano in a way that is both enchanting and absolutely beautiful.

The bartender walks up to the guy and says “Gee, where did you get the tiny pianist? He’s brilliant.

The guy puts his hand back into his suitcase again and pulls out an old magic lamp, which he then hands to the bartender.

He says to the bartender, “Here, rub this and make a wish.

The bartender says, “Are you serious?

The guy says, “Sure, go ahead.

So the bartender rubs the lamp and says “I wish for a million bucks!

There is a loud ‘poof’ sound before a million ducks start marching into the bar.

The bartender looks at the man and says, “Buddy, I think your magic lamp is broken.

The guy looks at him, smiles then says, “Tell me something I don’t know. You don’t really think I asked for a 10-inch pianist do you?

2. An engineer goes to Hell:

An engineer dies and suddenly finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates, in front of Saint Peter who’s holding a clipboard.

Saint Peter takes a few moments to review his list and then says to the engineer, “I’m sorry old boy but you’re not on the list. That means you’ll have to go down below I’m afraid.

The engineer is a little disheartened but trudges off in search of the gates to Hell.

When he arrives in Hell he’s less than impressed. It’s hot, it’s smelly and it’s very miserable.

However, being an engineer, he’s very resourceful. So immediately he decides to take action to improve his situation.

He realises that if he’s to be comfortable he must do something about the heat. So he decides to install air conditioning. Once he gets that working, everything cools down quite quickly and it’s all a little bit more pleasant.

Installing the air conditioning proved to be thirsty work but there aren’t any cold drinks. So the engineer decides to install refrigeration and before you know it everyone in Hell is able to relax with a cold beer.

When he’s got everyone cool and the beer cold, the engineer realises they don’t have any entertainment. So he decides to install cable television. Before you know it they’re all enjoying hundreds of television channels.

Suddenly life in Hell is getting quite pleasant and the engineer is becoming a popular guy. Well, why wouldn’t he be? He’s constantly using his skills to make life better for everyone.

Anyway, one day, God has reason to phone the Devil. Needless to say, God can’t resist having a little fun at the Devil’s expense.

So how’s it all going down there, Devil? Still hot and miserable?” says God.

To which the Devil replies, “Well actually things are great down here right now. Since you sent us that engineer we’ve been able to upgrade our facilities substantially.

God is annoyed and cannot conceal his irritation, saying, “What? You’ve got an engineer? How did that happen? There’s always a place for engineers up here in Heaven, we need their skills. There must be some mistake

Now it’s the Devil who feels he’s the one who can have a little fun and he responds with a laugh, “Well he’s here with us now and we’re pleased to have him.

Send him up here right now,” says God,

The Devil’s having none of it, and he responds, “No way! We’re keeping him. He’s far too useful to let go.

God decides it’s time to apply a little pressure, so he says, “Look Devil, either you send him up here to me immediately or I’ll have no choice but to sue you!

The Devil falls about laughing and says, “And where will you find a lawyer?

3. The Bear and the Rabbit:

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest.

They ran into a clearing and the bear chased the rabbit around a giant redwood tree where, as luck would have it, a genie lived.

The genie got so tired of the noise they were making that finally he came out and told them both that he would grant them both three wishes if they’d just agree to go away and leave him in peace.

Naturally, the pair agreed. Who wouldn’t want three wishes after all?

So, the bear said he’d go first. “I wish from now on that every bear in this forest is both female and very, very horny.

The genie granted him his wish.

The rabbit just grinned and simply asked for a motorcycle crash helmet.

The genie granted him his wish too. There was a ‘poof’ sound and then in the rabbit’s paw was a top of the range motorcycle crash helmet.

The bear was somewhat puzzled by the rabbit’s request but he continued nevertheless with his second wish. “I wish from now that on every bear in the whole country is both female and very, very horny!

The genie granted the bear his second wish.

Again the rabbit grinned and then he said that his second wish was for a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

This wish was granted too and again there was a ‘poof’ sound and suddenly there in the forest stood a gleaming Harley Davidson.

The rabbit jumped on the Harley; put his helmet on and then started gunning the hog.

The bear looked at the rabbit, smiled and said, “You must be the dumbest rabbit I’ve ever met!

It was time for the bear’s final wish, so he said, “I wish from now on that every bear in the whole world is both female and very, very horny!

The genie granted him his third and final wish. “Rest assured”, the genie said to the bear, “every bear you will ever meet from now on will be both female and very, very horny.

The bear looked very pleased with himself.

The genie then looked at the rabbit and said, “So, what’s your final wish?

The rabbit laughed out loud and said, “I wish that from now on the bear is gay.

With that, the rabbit gunned the hog and disappeared into the sunset.

4. The Taxidermist:

A guy walks into a redneck bar in Texas.

A couple of cross-eyed, local boys are playing Dueling Banjos on their guitars, guns in holsters by their sides.

Other mean-looking guys, similarly armed, are just sitting around, drinking and they start staring at the stranger in their midst. There’s tension in the air.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “What’ll it be, boy?

The guy says, “I’ll have a white wine spritzer, please.

The tension in the bar increases noticeably, the other customers are getting twitchy and hands start reaching for their guns.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “With a pussy drink like that I’m guessing you ain’t from around here are ya boy? Where ya from?

The guy says, “Well actually, I’m from Iowa.

The bartender frowns at him and says, “Iowa? And what the heck you do in Iowa boy?

The guy tries to lighten the tension with a smile and then he says, “I’m a taxidermist?

The bartender gives him a puzzled look and says, “You’re a taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist boy?

Starting to feel a bit nervous, the guy responds, “I mount animals.

The bartender grins and shouts out to everyone in the bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!

Funny Jokes5. Two accountants:

Two accountants go to their local bank during their lunch break.

They’re both standing in line when suddenly four masked and armed robbers burst in through the door.

One of the robbers yells, “Don’t anyone move. We’ve got guns and we’ll use them. Cooperate and you won’t get hurt.

Two of the robbers then go to the counter with four very large but empty leather bags and one says to the tellers, “Fill these bags with cash and be quick about it.

While the tellers nervously fill the bags with cash, the other two robbers line all the customers, including the two accountants, up against a wall.

One robber walks along the line waving his gun menacingly in their faces and he shouts, “Right I want your wallets, your cash, your watches, and any other valuables you’ve got and I want them all now. And if you don’t give me everything you’ve got I’ll shoot you dead!

As this is all going on one accountant stuffs something into the hand of his colleague.

Without looking down, his colleague whispers, “What’s this?

The accountant whispers back, “It’s that $50 I owe you.

6. Escaped convict:

A convict escapes from Folsom State Prison where he’s been locked up for 15 Years. He’s on the run and in need of food, money and a gun. So he decides to break into a house, where he thinks he might find at least some of these things. Walking along an affluent street he spots a house that he thinks looks perfect.

He forces the back door open and steps inside. As he wanders through the house, he finds a young couple in bed. Naturally, they’re both very frightened.

He orders the naked woman out of bed and ties her to a chair.

He then ties her husband to the bed.

The convict then goes back to the woman and straddling her lap, he puts his head close to the woman’s ear and whispers something before kissing her on the cheek. He then stands up and goes into their bathroom.

While the convict is in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he straddled your lap and kissed you on the cheek. He’s horny. Just do whatever he asks of you. You mustn’t resist and don’t complain. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously dangerous. If he gets angry, he could kill us both. So be strong, honey. I love you!

There was a sigh of relief from the woman as she whispered back, “When he whispered in my ear, he told me he was gay and he said he thinks you’re really cute. He said he’s very horny and he wanted to know if we had any more condoms. I told him there were some in the bathroom cabinet. I knew you see reason, honey. You be strong. I love you too and I appreciate the sacrifice you’ll be making.

7. Thick Nick:

Bill was a straight-A student at High School but 20 years later his career has been less than stellar.

Still, when he gets an invitation to a High School reunion he decides to go anyway.

Well, he figures he hasn’t seen any of his school buddies since those far off days and it might be fun at least to see how some of the class losers have gotten on since then. They might provide him with something to laugh at and feel good about himself.

When he arrives at the reunion the first guy he bumps into is Jack.

Now, this makes Bill a little bit apprehensive. Jack had been a friend of his at school but he’d also been voted the student most likely to succeed. So Bill figured that Jack must at least be the CEO of a large multinational corporate organization by now.

Well, Jack’s career too had not quite lived up to expectations either.

He’s now the manager of the local Credit Union. A decent job perhaps but hardly exceptional. Nevertheless, it leaves Bill feeling a little bit more relaxed. Maybe he hadn’t done so badly after all?

As Bill and Jack stand outside the entrance to their old High School, swapping stories about their lives since schooldays, suddenly a brand new Lamborghini Veneno roars into the parking lot.

This is $5 million worth of supercar and Bill and Jack are stunned. Who could this be? Surely it couldn’t be one of their old classmates?

As they stand there open-mouthed, the car door opens and out steps Nick.

Now had there been a vote at school for the student least likely to succeed then Nick would have won it by a country mile and then some. He really was thick, academically, and unsurprisingly his fellow students all knew him as ‘Thick Nick’.

Bill and Jack couldn’t understand how Nick is doing so well. So they engage him in conversation to find out more.

Jack says to him, “Hey Nick, that car’s awesome. How come you’re doing so well.

Nick responds and says, “Well Jack, when I failed to graduate High School I couldn’t get a job after I left, so I started my own business.

So Bill says, “Wow Nick, how come your business is so successful?

Nick smiles and says, “Well I sell this really popular product which I can buy for $2 a pop and I can sell it for $5 a pop. And I can sell it by the truckload. You wouldn’t believe it. It’s amazing how much money you can make with a 3% mark-up.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Nick may still be thick but lack of academic success at school is never a barrier to financial success in life. And academic success does not guarantee financial success either.

8. The Indian businessman:

An Indian businessman, Rajesh Bhatia, walks into a bank in the City of London and asks to see the Loans Officer.

Mr Bhatia explains that he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and he needs to borrow £5000.

The Loans officer says that whilst it’s possible, the bank would need something substantial as security against the loan.

Mr Bhatia responds by saying he’d be happy to hand over the keys to his new Rolls Royce, which cost £250,000, as security against the loan.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Bhatia, “and I have all the necessary papers here.

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After which Mr Bhatia departs with his money, leaving the Loans officer, the bank’s manager and all their colleagues enjoying a good laugh at Mr Bhatia for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later Mr Bhatia returns from Europe and repays the £5000 as well as the interest, which comes to £16.81.

As he prepares a receipt, the Loans Officer asks quizzically, “Sir, I must say, we’re all a little bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a very wealthy man and a multimillionaire. So why would you bother to borrow £5,000?

Mr Bhatia replies, “Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £16.81?

9. The rare centipede:

Whilst out hiking, a guy finds a rare but long and poisonous centipede.

The guy is amazed by what he’s found and naturally, he wants to show this rare creature to his drinking buddies. So he captures the centipede and places it carefully in a ventilated box.

Once he gets it home, the guy decides he wants to take the centipede to his local bar immediately. So he taps on the box and says, “Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar with me and have a beer?

There’s no answer from the centipede.

The guy waits a few moments and then says, “What do you think? Would you like to go to my local bar and meet my buddies?

Again, there’s no answer.

Thinking the centipede can’t hear him, the man gets right up close to the box this time and yells, “Hey! Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar and have a drink with me?

A little voice comes out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m still putting my shoes on.

10. Collision course:

The captain of a large US naval aircraft carrier is on the bridge when on his radar he spots what he believes to be another vessel, with which his ship is now on a collision course.

The captain immediately gets on his open channel radio and says, “This is the USS Pittsburgh and you’re on a collision course with this ship. You must take immediate action and change course.

In response, the captain hears a man with a Spanish accent but speaking perfect English say, “No sir, I’m sorry but it’s your vessel that must change course.

The captain is irritated by this response and says, “This is Captain James Munroe, captain of the USS Pittsburgh, the largest ship in the US fleet. You are a maritime hazard sir and I will report you to the authorities unless you change course now.

There’s silence momentarily and then the captain hears the response, “This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Please share the fun:

I hope these funny jokes really made you laugh dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2022. All Rights Reserved.

25 funny short jokes to brighten your day

Funny Short JokesLife can be tough for everyone, don’t you think?

It can be stressful at times too.

When life is getting you down then laughter is always the best medicine. In fact, laughter is always great medicine regardless of how you’re feeling.

However, the problem can be finding the time to go in search of a laugh or two.

Well, don’t worry dear reader because I’ve done the work for you.

I’ve been digging around looking for funny short jokes that might just help readers to relax a little.

So today I offer you 25 great funny short jokes that are guaranteed to brighten your day.

Well, perhaps not all of them. However, I’m confident that most of them will brighten your day.

They’re all quick to read and if at least some of them don’t make you smile then nothing will.

So take a few minutes for yourself and enjoy these funny short jokes right now.

Funny short jokes:

  • If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive
  • They’d find me attractive by now
  • Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? 
  • Too many cheetahs
  • What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
  • A roamin’ Catholic
  • Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley
  • One was assaulted
  • What do you call a fat psychic?
  • A four chin teller
  • My girlfriend accused me of cheating
  • I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
  • A man asked me for a donation towards the local swimming pool
  • So I gave him a glass of water
  • I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage
  • I lost my case
  • What do you say to a one-legged hitch hiker?
  • Hop in
  • What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
  • A flat miner
  • If you give an alligator a GPS
  • Does that make it a navigator?
  • How do trees get online?
  • They just log in
  • What do you call a singing laptop?
  • A Dell
  • Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? 
  • Because it’s always spotted
  • I don’t know what Armageddon means
  • So what? It’s not the end of the world
  • I’ve been told I’m condescending
  • (That means talking down to people)
  • What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
  • A Maybe
  • Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?
  • You can get thinner there
  • How do you get two whales in a car?
  • Start in England and drive west
  • Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?
  • He’ll dessert you
  • What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
  • Mice Krispies
  • What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
  • The purrpatrator
  • I went bobsleighing the other day
  • And I managed to kill 250 bobs
  • People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones
  • But people in Abu Dhabi do!
  • You may think it’s romantic to carve our names on this tree
  • But I have to ask, why did you bring a knife on our first date?

Funny Short JokesPlease share the fun:

I hope you found these funny short jokes truly side-splitting, dear reader. Well, mildly amusing, at least.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2022. All Rights Reserved.

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