21 witty one liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

Witty One LinersNow do you fancy a bit of a laugh?

Would you like something to make you smile?

You’d love a laugh but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything too long?

Well fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

So today i offer you 21 witty one liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile and I’m confident that at least a few of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy a laugh which is concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one liners is just for you dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two and have a laugh right now. Please enjoy them all.

Witty One Liners:

  1. I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
  2. If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” ~Ian Smith
  3. Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
  4. As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
  5. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  6. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  7. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  8. Witty One LinersI’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  9. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
  10. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once’. ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  11. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
  12. If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
  13. People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
  14. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’. ~Paul McCaffrey
  15. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’. ~Paddy Lennox
  17. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  18. Witty One LinersWhat’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed ~Josie Long
  19. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  20. Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
  21. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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21 very corny jokes that will cheer you up guaranteed

Life can be stressful for everyone so it’s important that we all laugh every day.

To help you with that I’ve been collecting more very corny jokes. These all made me smile and I hope they will make you smile too.

Unfortunately, despite best efforts, it hasn’t been possible to identify the original authors of these very corny jokes, so for the moment they remain ‘Author Unknown‘.

However if you’re able to help with that, do let me know. My aim always is to acknowledge the work of others when it is possible.

So here they are, 21 very corny jokes that will cheer you up guaranteed.

Very Corny Jokes:

1. What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

2. What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

3. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?

Juan on Juan.

4. Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?

It was craving a well-balanced meal.

5. What did the big bucket say to the smaller one?

You’re looking a little pail.

6. What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here and I’ll go on ahead.

7. How does a duck buy lipstick?

She just puts it on her bill.

8. What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park your car, man.

9. What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad.

10. Why was the poor guy selling yeast?

To raise some dough.

11. Who does a pharaoh talk to when he’s sad?

His mummy.

12. How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

13. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He could feel his presents.

14. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Do not read it!

15. Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

16. What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

17. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad away.

18. How come oysters never donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

19. Why did the pig leave the party early?

Because everyone thought he was a boar.

20. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because there’s no point.

21. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke.

Thank goodness it was a soft drink.

Please share these very corny jokes:

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Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share this post now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

15 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

Here is another batch of funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Once again I’ve been searching to find the best smiles I can find just to brighten your day dear reader. I’ve done the hard work, so you don’t have to.

So sit back, relax and enjoy them all. I hope you enjoy these funny one-liners just as much as I did.

And don’t forget your friends.

If you enjoyed these smiles then your friends probably will too.

So please share this post with your friends on social media. You’ll be a hero or heroine and everyone will appreciate your thoughtfulness for sharing.

You can’t lose, so please share them now but not before you’ve enjoyed today’s smiles.

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile:-

  1. Never tell your secrets in a cornfield. There are too many ears
  2. Never give up on your dreams. Stay in bed and sleep on.
  3. I used to work as an origami teacher but I hated it. There was too much paperwork.
  4. They’ve just opened a new restaurant Downtown. It’s called Karma and they don’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
  5. Our local farmer has started feeding his cows with birdseed. That would explain why the milk is going cheep.
  6. There’s a store on Main Street where you can get dead batteries free of charge.
  7. Why is everything delivered by ship called a cargo and yet if it’s delivered by a van it’s called a shipment?
  8. Change your password to incorrect and then if you can’t quite remember it, your computer will say your password is incorrect.
  9. My sister bet me a $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car using spaghetti. Her face was a picture when I drove pasta.
  10. A man delivers a load of bubble wrap. “Where do you want this he asks?” “Oh, just pop it in the corner” was the reply.
  11. A police recruit was asked during his exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered “Call for backup.”
  12. I was amused to read the epitaph on the late dentist’s gravestone. It read “He’s now filling his last cavity.
  13. Why do bees hum? Because they can never remember the words.
  14. Why are ghosts always bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
  15. What would you call someone with just a nose and no body? Nobody knows.

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So did these funny one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

25 rib-tickling jokes that are laugh out loud funny

Here’s another batch of short but laugh our loud funny jokes for you dear reader. I hope they give you a few minutes of pleasure to brighten your day.

Today’s laugh out loud funny jokes:

  • If I’m nobody;
  • And nobody’s perfect;
  • Then I must be perfect.
  • Why are frogs so happy?
  • They eat whatever bugs them.
  • How do you befriend a squirrel?
  • Act like a nut.
  • Why did the lifeguard kick the elephants out of the pool?
  • Because they kept dropping their trunks.
  • What do you call a pooch living in Alaska?
  • A chilly dog.
  • What do call you a row of bunnies moving backwards?
  • A receding hare line.
  • Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper?
  • Because he had little patients.
  • What condition does a noodle have when it doesn’t feel it’s good enough?
  • Impasta syndrome.
  • Would you like to hear a joke about construction?
  • I’m still working on it.
  • I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
    He cried and gave me a big hug.
  • My wife was complaining that I never take her anywhere expensive.
  • So I said, “Come on, get in the car we’re going to the petrol station.”
  • They say 40 is the new 30
  • But try telling that to a traffic cop.
  • Relationships are like algebra.
  • You look at your X and wonder Y.
  • What did the green grape say to the purple grape!
  • BREATH!
  • What do you call a magic dog?
  • A labracadabrador.
  • You could say it was an emotional wedding.
  • Even the cake was in tears.
  • What do you call a deer with no eyes?
  • No eye deer.
  • A guy assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
  • How dairy.
  • My ex-wife still misses me.
  • But her aim’s improving.
  • I own a pencil once owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
  • Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
  • People didn’t like having to bend over to get their drinks.
  • So I decided to raise the bar.
  • The World Tongue-Twister Champion was up before the judge in court.
  • I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.
  • I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
  • It’s a complex complex complex.
  • I hate insects puns.
  • They really bug me.
  • I’ve been trying to lose weight.
  • But it keeps finding me.

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So did these rib-tickling jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

The 30 best bitchy comments that’ll really make you smile

Bitchy CommentsLadies, do you ever find yourself in need of some bitchy comments?

Gentlemen, do you have need for a quiver full of little arrows to pierce even the hardest heart?

Having the right comment to respond on those occasions when you need to put someone firmly in their place?

For those occasions when you need to send out a message that says, you mess with me at your peril.

Well here are 30 great bitchy comments, all of which really made me smile.

Bitchy Comments:

  1. You’re wearing that dress for a bet, surely?
  2. She’s not a drinker but she certainly likes a whine.
  3. I don’t need your drama. Go bother someone else.
  4. Hey, balls just called. They want you to grow a pair.
  5. I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you right now.
  6. I’m not responsible for what my face does when you talk.
  7. There are two things I dislike about you girl. Your face!
  8. Yes I am crazy and you’d be unwise to mess with crazy.
  9. Being opinionated is not the same as being informed dear.
  10. OMG! She’s really been bit with the ugly stick, hasn’t she?
  11. Nice dress! Where did you buy it, Dick’s Sporting Goods?
  12. I’ve met some pricks in my time but you’re the full cactus.
  13. I try to see the best in people but you certainly make it hard.
  14. You’re upset with me? So what! I don’t exist just to please you.
  15. I may have multiple personalities but none of them like you.
  16. Oh, there’s a new man in your life. Does he still have his own hair?
  17. If you want to lose weight girl, you could always shave your legs.
  18. What you think of me can’t be half as bad as my opinion of you.
  19. I’d say something complimentary about you but I’m not that dishonest.
  20. I don’t hate you but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
  21. You’re confusing me with someone who cares what you think.
  22. I’m as nice as the next girl until life forces me to unleash the Bitch.
  23. You remind me of a penny. Two faced and not worth much.
  24. I’d beat you with a hammer but you’re not worth the jail time.
  25. You’re such a fake I’m guessing you were made in China.
  26. I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your comprehension.
  27. Feel free to judge me when you’re perfect. Oh, that would be never then.
  28. No, I didn’t intend to offend you. That was just a bonus for which I’m grateful.
  29. Don’t hate me because I’m attractive. Hate me because my boobs are bigger than yours.
  30. Leave sarcasm to the professionals, sweetie. You’ll get hurt if you play with fire.

Bitchy CommentsPlease share this post:

Did you find these bitchy comments amusing, or even inspirational, dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share it now on social media. If you can do that for me then I’d be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

13 corny jokes that will really make you smile

Corny JokesLife shouldn’t be serious all the time. Occasionally we all need to smile.

So my question to you today is; do you like corny jokes?

No?

Well that’s a pity because I’ve found 13 of them that made me smile. And I hope they will make you smile too.

The source of these corny jokes is a website called Tickld which is new to me.

However I had a very pleasant time enjoying all the funnies it had on offer.

A link to Tickld is included so take a look but not before you’ve enjoyed what I thought was some of their best corny jokes.

And here are those 13 corny jokes for you:-

Corny Jokes:

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said: Thank you.

And I said: Don’t mention it!

 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

My friend said to me: What rhymes with orange?

And I said: No it doesn’t!

 

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

 

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

 

Corny JokesSo what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.

 

How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

 

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

 

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

 

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

 

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!

 

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

 

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Please share these jokes with your friends on social media:

So did these corny jokes really make you smile? Were they all you hoped they’d be dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media.

Share the fun and everyone wins. Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day

And if you’d like to see what else Tickld has to offer then just CLICK HERE.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

8 hilariously funny jokes that’ll make you scream laughing

Hilariously Funny Jokes1. National identity:

A Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a foreign war.

Their situation is quite desperate when the leader of their captors suddenly announces, “As enemies of our people, you will all be shot by firing squad. You’ll each be shot in turn. However we’re civilised people, so first you’ll each be allowed a final request.

The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to hear ‘Flower of Scotland’ played by the Band of the Scots Guards, to remind me of happy days in bonny Scotland.” He then shouts, “Scotland forever!

The Welshman says, “Well I’d like to hear ‘Men of Harlech’ sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir to remind me of the green, green grass of home and those happy times when I lived in the Valleys.” He then shouts, “God bless the Land of my Fathers!

The Irishman, not to be outdone, says, “For me I want to hear ‘Danny Boy’ just one more time to remind me of the auld country. I want it sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell.” Then, taking his lead from his Celtic cousins he shouts, “Éirinn go Brách.

The leader of their captors then looks at the Englishman who’s remained very quiet up to this point. “So Englishman, what’s your request?” he says.

The Englishman responds, “I’d like to be shot first.

2. Nun outside a Dublin bar:

A guy is walking into a Dublin bar and standing right outside the door is a nun.

Top of the morning to you sister!” says the guy with a smile.

The nun looks at him sternly and says, “Before you enter this den of iniquity please think about your mother and your father.

But sister, my poor mother and father have long since passed away sadly. They’re with the angels now” the guy responds.

Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain” says the nun.

Sister, what are you talking about? Have you ever had a drink?” asks the guy.

No! Certainly not!” says the nun.

Then in the name of God sister, how can you say it damages the brain if you’ve never actually had a drink?” asks the guy.

The guy thinks for a minute and then he says, “Listen sister, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go in and get you a drink, you can try it and if you don’t like it then you can talk about it. But you can’t talk about something you’ve never even experienced.

The nun says, “Alright, I’ll try a drink.

The guy then says, “So, what’ll you have then?

I don’t know”, says the nun “What do ladies generally drink?

The guy says, “All the ones I know like a glass of gin.

The nun smiles and says, “Alright, I’ll have a gin but get it in a cup so no one will notice.”

So the guy goes into the bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a pint of Guinness please bartender and a large gin. But can you put the gin in a cup.

The barman smiles at him and says, “Jeez, is that feckin’ nun hanging around outside again.

hilariously funny jokes3. Life in Hell:

John did his best to lead a good and honest life but sadly, on his passing, he’s allocated a place in Hell.

John arrives at the gates of Hell, a little disappointed and he’s looking fairly despondent when another man walks up to him and says, “Hello I’m Jim, you’re looking a little glum.

To which John replies, “Well, I thought I’d be enjoying a place in heaven right now but nothing ever works out like you think it will, does it?

Seeing John’s not very happy, Jim tries to cheer him up. “Listen buddy, Hell isn’t so bad really.

John says, “Really?

Yeah, really”, says Jim. “Hey, do like beer?

Yes I love beer”, John responds.

Then you’ll love Fridays here in Hell. Every Friday is beer day. We drink gallons and gallons of beer all day long. There’s no limit, you can drink as much as you like”, says Jim.

Doesn’t that make you sick and give you a terrible hangover?” asks John

No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Hey, do you like drugs?

Well, I did smoke a little Mary Jane in my College days”, says John.

Then you’ll love Saturdays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Saturday we smoke marijuana all day long. We smoke doobies as big as submarines. It’s fantastic.

Doesn’t that make you sick?” asks John

No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Do you like food?

Sure, who doesn’t like food? I love food,” says John.

Then you’re going to love Sundays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Sunday they roast Ox; a whole one for each of us. We stuff ourselves with roast Ox and all the trimmings all day long. In Hell we do everything to excess and doing everything to excess is mandatory here. We’re dead, so no worries.

Wow!” says John. “Hell actually sounds like a really fun place.

It does, doesn’t it?” Jim responds.

Hey, are you Gay?” Jim then asks.

No”, says John “I love sex with women.

Jim frowns and says, “Hmm, in that case you’ll hate Mondays.

4. Unrealistic expectations:

A recent engineering graduate is having an interview for his first job with a big technology company.

The young graduate is fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and he’s clearly very impressed with himself.

As the interview is nearing an end the Human Resources officer asks him, “So John, what are your expectations in terms of a starting salary?

The young graduate replies, “Well I’d be looking for something in the region of $125,000 a year. However the exact figure I’d accept would depend on the benefits package.

His interviewer smiles and says, “Well John, what would you say to 5 weeks annual vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental cover, the company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, plus a company car, say a Ford Mustang GT?

The young graduate engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?

The HR officer replies, “Yes of course I am John, but you started it.

hilariously funny jokes5. Bus full of ugly people:

A bus full of ugly people is involved in a head on collision with a truck and all the passengers are killed.

They all arrive in heaven and, feeling sorry for them, God decides they can each have one wish.

A woman is the first person and she says, “I want to be gorgeous.

So God snaps his fingers and suddenly she is stunningly attractive.

A man is next and he makes a similar request. “I want to be handsome” he says.

This goes on with each passenger in turn essentially making the same request. They all want to be irresistibly good looking.

With a number of passengers yet to express their wish, God notices that the last man in the line who has also yet to make a request is laughing hysterically.

By the time God gets to the last few people, the last man in the line is laughing uncontrollably and he’s rolling around on the ground.

When it comes to his turn the man laughs some more and then says, “I wish they’re all ugly again.

Moral of the story: In any group there’s always one person hell bent on making life difficult for everyone else.

6. The warrior and the old man:

A fleeing warrior is lost in the desert and he’s in desperate need of water.

Suddenly he sees what he thinks is a stall far off in the distance.

Hoping he might find water there, he hurries towards the stall only to find a little old man selling ties.

The warrior asks, “Do you have any water?

The old replies, “No I don’t have any water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.

The warrior is irritated by his response and says, “No! I don’t need an over-priced tie right now. I need water! You realize I’m armed? I could kill you. However I must find water first.

Alright” says the old man, “It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you don’t like me. I will show you that I’m the bigger person. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant, owned by my brother. It will have all the ice cold water you need. God be with you“.

Muttering, the warrior staggers off over the hill.

Several hours later he staggers back, almost dead.

Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.

7. The magic trick:

Two broke and hungry friends, Bill and George walk into a pastry shop in Manhattan.

As the baker’s back is turned, Bill grabs three cookies quickly and stuffs them in his trouser pocket with lightning speed.

The baker’s back is still turned, so he doesn’t notice.

Bill smiles at George, winks his eye and says, “Did you see that? Did you see how clever I was there? You’ll never beat that will you?

Really? You think so? Watch this.” George replies.

He then says to the baker, “If you’ll give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick. And I promise you, you’ll be impressed.

So the baker hands him a cookie which George then eats.

Then George says to the baker: “I’ll need another cookie from you for my magic trick to work.

The baker is a bit suspicious but he gives George another cookie. Once again he eats the cookie.

Then George says, “I’m really sorry but I’ll need one more cookie if this trick is to work.

The baker is really not amused by now and he says, “Is this some kind of joke?

George assures him the trick is genuine and all will be revealed after the next Cookie. So the baker gives him another cookie which George promptly eats, once again.

The baker is starting to get mad and he yells, “So where’s the magic?

George points at Bill and then says: “You’ll find three cookies in this guy’s pocket. That’s magic!

8. A woman golfing:

A woman is out golfing. Playing off the first tee, she’s not quite got her swing right and she slices the ball on her first attempt and watches it disappear deep into the woods.

Not a great start she thinks. So she trudges off looking for her ball.

As she’s scratching around in the woods she can’t find her ball but she does find a frog stuck in a trap.

The frog is relieved to have finally been discovered, having been stuck there for quite some time. So the frog says to the woman, “Lady, if you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.

Now who wouldn’t want three wishes? So the woman immediately frees the frog.

The frog is grateful but then says, “Lady, thank you. I appreciate your help. However I failed to mention that there will be a condition to your wishes.

A little puzzled, the woman asks, “And what’s that?

Well” says the frog, “Whatever you wish for, your husband will also receive but multiplied by a factor of ten!

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s fine.

Then for her first wish she says, “I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog smiles but warns her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world? He will be an Adonis and no woman will be able to resist his charms.

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s alright, because I will be the most beautiful woman in the world, so he will only have eyes for me.

With that there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is immediately transformed into the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog then says, “And for your second wish? What would you like?

For her second wish the woman says, “I want to be the richest woman in the world.

Once again the frog feels compelled to issue a warning. “Lady, this will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman says, “That’s fine. We’re married, so what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.

Once again there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is suddenly the richest woman in the world.

The frog then says, “Right, it’s now time for your final wish. What will it be?

The woman replies, “I’d like a mild heart attack.

Moral of the story: Women are clever. So don’t mess with them.

Attention Female Readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.

 

Male Readers: Please scroll down.

 

 

 

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: And ladies if you’re still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen to men.

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I hope you found these hilariously funny jokes amusing dear reader.

However perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these witty quotes with all  your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

This hilarious joke is guaranteed to make you laugh

We all need to laugh at least once each day, wouldn’t you agree? Well dear reader if you’ve yet to laugh today then I think this hilarious joke will be just what you need.

This is a joke guaranteed to make you laugh and it’s one you can tell in the office without worrying about offending people.

So go on, take a minute and enjoy it.

Standing up to the Angels:

A man dies and suddenly finds himself standing in line at the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter.

With a cloud-connected iPad in his hand St Peter is checking the details of each individual standing in line to decide whether they’ve done enough to pass through the gates into Heaven.

When the man gets to the front of the queue, St Peter looks at him and says, “Name please?

I’m Jim Thompson”, says the man.

Hello Jim”, says St Peter, “Can you tell me what you did for a living please?

Jim hesitated momentarily before saying, “Unfortunately I was out of work and living on welfare.

Hmmmmm”, says St Peter rubbing his chin. “Have you done anything recently that has benefited your fellow human beings?

Jim thought for a minute and then he said, “Well, when I saw a group of Hells Angels abusing a pretty girl in the street, I walked right up to the ringleader and getting right into his personal space, nose to nose, looking him dead in the eye, I said to him, ‘You show that girl some respect boy or you and me we’ll have to sort it out man to man’.

St Peter tapped something into his iPad and considered the response momentarily. Then he said to Jim, “I’m afraid there’s nothing in your records to confirm what you’ve said. When did it happen?

About five minutes ago”, said Jim.

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If you enjoyed this hilarious joke dear reader then please share it on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

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21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

Whenever I share funny one liners with readers the posts are always very popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you dear reader. Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 21 brilliant one liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all Author Unknown.

However I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime I hope these 21 brilliant one liners will brighten your day.

Brilliant one-liners:

  1. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  2. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  3. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  4. Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  5. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  6. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything“.
  7. I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  8. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  9. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  10. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  11. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  12. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  14. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  15. Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
  16. I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
  17. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  18. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
  19. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
  20. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  21. I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

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If you enjoyed these brilliant one-liners dear reader then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.

3 amusing short story jokes that will definitely make you laugh

If you’re in need of a little comic relief then here are 3 amusing short story jokes that will definitely make you laugh. Take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

1. Escaping a ticket:

Jim was finally enjoying a bit of freedom in life, so he decided to buy himself a new Mercedes C-Class Cabriolet.

On the day he collected it from the dealership he thought it would be a great idea to take his new toy out for a spin on the Interstate.

It was a pleasant evening, so with the top down and the wind in his hair he decided to really put his foot down until the pedal hit the metal.

The acceleration was amazing but as the car hit 90 mph. suddenly there was the sound of a siren and through his rear view mirror Jim could see blue lights flashing.

Undaunted by this turn of events Jim just thought to himself, “There’s no way the cops will catch me in a Mercedes at full speed.

And momentarily he kept the car going flat out until his speed exceeded 110 mph.

However his nerve went when he realised that despite his speed the cops were actually gaining on him.

So the reality of his situation hit him and Jim thought, “What the hell am I doing?

He slowed down and pulled over.

At the side of the road the cop came up to him and said, “Sir, could I see your license please?

Jim handed over his license.

The cop studied it momentarily and then said to Jim, “Sir, it’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and to be honest I really don’t feel like doing any more paperwork. So I’ll offer you a deal. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go without a ticket.

Jim thought for a second and then said, “Officer, a month ago my wife ran off with a cop. Life has been so good since then but I was afraid you were chasing in an attempt to give her back to me.

The cop smiled at Jim and said, “Have a nice weekend sir.”

And with that he left Jim to enjoy his new car.

2. The price for a little fun:

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived home on Sunday evening he was confronted by his angry wife and, needless to say, she hurled abuse at him for nearly two hours in a tirade befitting his irresponsible actions.

Finally, as she stopped shouting at him, his wife said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

That would be fine with me,” Bill responded unwisely.

Monday went by and Bill didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

However on Thursday, the swelling had gone down sufficiently for Bill to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

3. Unexpected benefit:

Mike and his wife Liz had the misfortune to be caught up in a terrible road traffic accident, with multiple cars involved. Unfortunately in the carnage that followed, Liz’s face was severely burned.

She was taken to the local hospital where the doctor told Mike that she would need a skin graft on her face.

The problem is,” said the doctor, “your wife is so thin we wouldn’t be able to use any skin from her body for the graft.”

Could I donate skin from my body?” asked Mike.

Yes, you can,” said the doctor. “However the only suitable skin would be skin from your buttocks.

Mike explained the situation to Liz and asked whether skin from his buttocks would be acceptable to her.

Well, as long as no one else knows where the skin came from,” said Liz.

Jim assured her that it would be their secret and the doctor also promised he would honour her request for secrecy.

So Liz had the surgery and when all the scars had healed everyone was amazed at how beautiful Liz now looked.

She’d always been attractive but she was now even more beautiful than she’d been before. All her friends and relatives couldn’t help commenting on her youthful beauty.

One day, Liz was sitting alone with Mike and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

“Mike, I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. There’s no way I could ever repay you,” said Liz.

Mike smiled and kissed her. Then he said, “Darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

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So did these amusing short story jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy Joseph Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2019. All Rights Reserved.