65 odd quotes that will make you think

If you like odd quotes, then take a look at the 65 I’ve curated for you here today. They’ll all make you think and some might even amuse you too.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Please share this post with your friends:

If you found these odd quotes interesting or amusing, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

If you could share this post now, I’ll be forever grateful.

You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

ODD QUOTES

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50 Funny footballer quotes for soccer fans everywhere

FUNNY FOOTBALLER QUOTESFootball or soccer? The beautiful game is well known by both names around the world. And wherever you go, players can say some silly things at times. So I thought it might be interesting to curate some funny footballer quotes, or, if you prefer, funny soccer quotes.

Whether you prefer to call it football or soccer, one thing is true, and that’s that the players and people associated with the game can say some of the funniest things at times.

Over the years, players, managers, coaches, commentators, and pundits have all come up with some memorable quotes and one-liners, some intentional, others inadvertent. Either way, they’re always amusing.

Enjoy them all, and then please pass them on.

Funny footballer quotes (1 – 25):

  1. I love these players with two feet. ~Michael Owen
  2. They were numerically outnumbered. ~Garry Birtles
  3. He’s got a lot of self-belief in himself. ~Graham Beecroft
  4. To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch. ~Ruud Gullit
  5. I’ve been consistent in patches this season. ~Theo Walcott
  6. Apparently, it’s my fault that the Titanic sank. ~Ian Holloway
  7. I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. ~Stuart Pearce
  8. And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0. ~Ian Darke
  9. I’d like to play for an Italian club like Barcelona. ~Mark Draper
  10. Winning doesn’t really matter, as long as you win. ~Vinny Jones
  11. Reading won’t have the confidence to be confident. ~Paul Merson
  12. When you’re 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1. ~Lawrie McMenemy
  13. That would’ve been a goal had it gone inside the post. ~Michael Owen
  14. Some people cannot see a priest on a mountain of sugar. ~Rafa Benitez
  15. If there’s a bit of rain about it makes the surface wet. ~ Michael Owen
  16. Wilkins sends an inch-perfect pass to no one in particular. ~Byron Butler
  17. I couldn’t settle in Italy. It was like living in a foreign country. ~Ian Rush
  18. The Germans only have one player under 22, and he’s 23. ~Kevin Keegan
  19. If we played like this every week, we wouldn’t be so inconsistent. ~Bryan Robson
  20. Chile have three options. They could win or they could lose. ~Kevin Keegan
  21. That is a fantastic penalty, but he will be gutted it went wide. ~Michael Owen
  22. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job. ~Brian Clough
  23. If Rojo wasn’t left-footed, he’d have used his right for that one. ~Michael Owen
  24. Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you’re 80-20 sure of winning it. ~Ian Darke
  25. Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long about it. ~Martin Tyler

Funny footballer quotes (26 – 50):

  1. Blackburn have got two strikers on and they’re both playing upfront. ~Michael Owen
  2. We didn’t underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  3. For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip. ~John Motson
  4. Diego Maradona – a flawed genius who has now become a genius who is flawed. ~Bob Wilson
  5. They’re the second-best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that. ~Kevin Keegan
  6. We must have had 99 percent of the game. It was the other three percent that cost us the match. ~Ruud Gullit
  7. If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he’s have put grass up there. ~Brian Clough
  8. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is. ~Kevin Keegan
  9. I’m out at the moment, but should you be the chairman of Barcelona, AC Milan, or Real Madrid, I’ll get straight back to you. The rest can wait. ~Joe Kinnear
  10. I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the world. But I was in the top one. ~Brian Clough
  11. I never comment on referees, and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. ~Ron Atkinson
  12. It’s definitely hit Defoe’s hand as it’s gone in, but it’s not a handball for me. ~Michael Owen
  13. What a shot! That’s completely unstoppable, but the keeper’s got to do better for me. ~Michael Owen
  14. I’ve had 14 bookings this season, eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable. ~Paul Gascoigne
  15. If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  16. I’d been ill and hardly trained for a week, and I’d been out of the team for three weeks before that. So I wasn’t sharp. I got cramp before half-time as well. But I’m not one to make excuses. ~Clinton Morrison
  17. Djimi Traore had to adapt to the English game, and he did that by going out on loan to Lens last season. ~ Ian Rush
  18. I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. ~George Best
  19. My parents have been there for me ever since I was about seven. ~David Beckham
  20. Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match. ~Ian Wright
  21. What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in football? ~Stuart Hall
  22. I always used to put my right boot on first, and then, obviously, my right sock. ~Barry Venison
  23. I am a firm believer that if you score one goal, the other team have to score two to win. ~Howard Wilkinson
  24. If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. ~Terry Venables
  25. I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet. ~David Beckham

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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30 silliest jokes ever that’ll tickle your funny bone

SILLIEST JOKES EVERIf you like short, witty one-line jokes, dear reader, then today I offer you some of the silliest jokes ever.

Yes, they’re corny, I admit that, but I’m confident they’ll tickle your funny bone. Children will enjoy them too.

So, take a few moments to relax and smile, and please feel free to share them all.

Silliest jokes ever (1-15):

  1. What type of trees do plumbers plant? Toiletries.
  2. How do horses propose? They go down on bended neigh.
  3. Who do you call if a parrot falls off his perch? Parrot-medics.
  4. Why did the monkey logon online? To send a chimpanzee-mail.
  5. What happens to ducks before they grow up? They grow down.
  6. Is it legal to marry a widow’s husband? No, because he’s dead.
  7. What would a monster choose to eat in a restaurant? The waiter.
  8. Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they’ve got two left feet.
  9. Why do bears have fur coats? Because they’d look silly in anoraks.
  10. What’s the definition of an arms race? An octopus running for a bus.
  11. Why are barbers, such good drivers? Because they know all the shortcuts.
  12. What’s a man’s idea of a romantic night out? A candlelit football stadium.
  13. Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both it would fall over.
  14. Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? She wanted to post a litter.
  15. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how it all works.

Silliest jokes ever (16-30):

  1. How do you fix a short circuit? Lengthen it.
  2. How do you make a moth ball? Flick its nose.
  3. Why did the gold prospector quit his job? Things just didn’t pan out.
  4. Why did the mathematician turn off his heating? So he could be cold and calculating.
  5. Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
  6. How does a man show he’s planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
  7. Why did the farmer make his little chicks wear ear muffs? So they wouldn’t hear any fowl language.
  8. A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender responded, “For you, no charge!”
  9. What did the vampire say just before dawn, when he saw the neck of a sleeping man? “Aaahh, breakfast in bed!”
  10. What did Hamlet say when he went camping and lost his tent? “Tepee or not tepee? That is the question.”
  11. Two fleas are leaving a restaurant and one says to the other, “Should we walk or take a dog?”
  12. Did you hear about the dog that liked to eat garlic? His bark was worse than his bite.
  13. Two large, hungry lions were wandering around Walmart and one said to the other, “It’s quiet in here, isn’t it?”
  14. What’s the difference between a New York Yankees fan and a dentist? One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.
  15. A man walks into a bar carrying three wooden panels and four wooden posts. “You can’t bring those in here,” said the bartender. “They may cause a fence.”

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Silliest jokes everSo, would you agree that these are some of the silliest jokes ever, dear reader? Did you enjoy them, and more importantly, did they make you laugh? I hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on some of the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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25 very corny jokes that’ll cheer you up guaranteed

VERY CORNY JOKESLife can be stressful for everyone so it’s important that we all laugh every day.

To help you with that I’ve been collecting more very corny jokes. These all made me smile and I hope they will make you smile too.

Unfortunately, despite best efforts, it hasn’t been possible to identify the original authors of these very corny jokes, so for the moment they remain ‘Author Unknown‘.

However, if you’re able to help with that, do let me know. My aim always is to acknowledge the work of others when it is possible.

So here they are, 25 very corny jokes that will cheer you up guaranteed.

Very Corny Jokes:

1. What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

2. What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

3. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?

Juan on Juan.

4. Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?

It was craving a well-balanced meal.

5. What did the big bucket say to the smaller one?

You’re looking a little pail.

6. What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here and I’ll go on ahead.

7. How does a duck buy lipstick?

She just puts it on her bill.

8. What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park your car, man.

9. What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad.

10. Why was the poor guy selling yeast?

To raise some dough.

11. Who does a pharaoh talk to when he’s sad?

His mummy.

12. How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

13. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He could feel his presents.

14. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Do not read it!

15. Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

16. What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

17. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad away.

18. How come oysters never donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

19. Why did the pig leave the party early?

Because everyone thought he was a boar.

20. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because there’s no point.

21. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke.

Thank goodness it was a soft drink.

22. Did you hear about the dog that loved eating garlic?

His bark was much worse than his bite.

23. What has four legs and flies?

A dead horse.

24. What’s the difference between a businessman and a warm dog?

The businessman wears a suit, the dog just pants.

25. What kind of monkey can fly?

A hot air baboon.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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50 funny questions to ask anyone and get a laugh

FUNNY QUESTIONS TO ASK ANYONEIf you enjoy playing that game with your friends whereby you ask each other funny questions, then here are 50 funny questions to ask anyone.

You and your friends can have hours of fun asking each other these silly questions. It’s a great game to play and, if nothing else, you’ll learn a lot more about your friends in the process.

So, get a few friends, or fellow workers together, and ask them a few of these questions to see what answers you get.

And please, feel free to share them all.

Funny questions to ask (1-10):

  1. If animals could talk, which one would be the most sarcastic?
  2. Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
  3. If you had to wear one Halloween costume every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?
  4. If you were arrested with no explanation, what would your friends and family assume you’d done?
  5. What’s the funniest WiFi name you’ve ever seen?
  6. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten for breakfast?
  7. If you could choose your own nickname, what would it be?
  8. What’s the strangest place you’ve ever found your lost keys or phone?
  9. What would you do if you found a penguin in your freezer?
  10. If you could be any fictional character for a day, who would you choose?

Funny questions to ask (11-20):

  1. If you could have a theme song, what would it be?
  2. What’s the silliest prank you’ve ever pulled?
  3. If you were a superhero, what would your useless superpower be?
  4. If you could create the ultimate animal by merging two different animals, which animals would you use?
  5. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you pick?
  6. What’s the most embarrassing fashion trend you’ve ever followed?
  7. If you could be a fly on anyone’s wall, whose wall would it be and why?
  8. What three items would you bring to a desert island to entertain yourself?
  9. If your life was a sitcom, what would it be called?
  10. What’s the worst job you could have but with the best job title?

Funny questions to ask (21-30):

  1. If you could have dinner with any three fictional characters, who would you choose?
  2. If you could only use one emoji for the rest of your life, which one would it be?
  3. If your life had a blooper reel, what would be the funniest moment on it?
  4. What would be the most inappropriate time to start a dance party?
  5. If you could choose one age to be forever, what age would you choose and why?
  6. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, which one would you pick?
  7. What would your pet say about you if it could talk?
  8. What’s the weirdest gift you’ve ever received?
  9. What’s the most unusual hobby you’ve ever tried?
  10. If you had a time machine that could only go one way, would you rather visit the past or the future?

Funny questions to ask (31-40):

  1. What are three words that make you laugh every time you hear them?
  2. What’s the funniest misheard song lyric you’ve ever encountered?
  3. If you could switch lives with a celebrity for a day, who would it be and why?
  4. What’s the most hilarious thing you’ve ever seen a pet do?
  5. If you had to give up one of your senses, which one would you choose and why?
  6. What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever overheard in public?
  7. If you could have one magical power, what would it be and why?
  8. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done to impress someone?
  9. If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be?
  10. If you had to replace your hands with objects, what objects would you choose?

Funny questions to ask (41-50):

  1. What’s the most ridiculous outfit you’ve ever worn on a date?
  2. If you were a potato, how would you like to be cooked?
  3. If you could swap lives with a cartoon character, who would it be and why?
  4. What’s the funniest or most embarrassing autocorrect fail you’ve ever experienced?
  5. If you could only wear one outfit for the rest of your life, what would it be?
  6. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever said in your sleep?
  7. If you could have an unlimited supply of any item, what would it be and why?
  8. What’s the cheesiest pick-up line you’ve ever heard of or used?
  9. If you could choose a new first name, what would it be?
  10. If you could communicate with animals, which species would you want to chat with the most?

Funny questions to ask (51-60):

  1. What’s the funniest or most unusual name for a pet you’ve ever encountered?
  2. If you had to marry a fictional character, who would you choose and why?
  3. What’s the weirdest food combination you’ve ever tried and enjoyed?
  4. If you could only speak in movie quotes, which movie would you choose?
  5. What’s the most amusing way you’ve ever procrastinated?
  6. If you could be any object for a day, what would you be and why?
  7. What’s the funniest or most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you at a party?
  8. If you had to choose a movie title to describe your life, what would it be?
  9. What’s the most hilarious or cringe-worthy trend you participated in as a teenager?
  10. If you could only communicate through dance moves, how would you greet people?

Funny questions to ask (61-70):

  1. What’s the most absurd lie you’ve ever told and gotten away with?
  2. What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever done while sleepwalking?
  3. If you could only use one word for the rest of your life, what would it be?
  4. If you could have a conversation with anyone of your choosing, dead or alive, who would you choose and what would you ask them?
  5. What’s the funniest or most embarrassing story from your childhood?
  6. If you could choose any celebrity to be your personal life coach, who would it be and why?
  7. If you had to choose one food to be allergic to, what would it be?
  8. If you could only watch one TV show for the rest of your life, what would it be?
  9. What’s the funniest or most embarrassing thing you’ve done to get someone’s attention?
  10. If you could instantly become an expert in any subject, what would it be and why?

Funny questions to ask (71-80):

  1. What’s the strangest or most unexpected place you’ve ever fallen asleep?
  2. If you had to choose a new first name that starts with the letter Z, what would it be?
  3. What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve ever seen in someone else’s home?
  4. What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever bought online?
  5. If you could be a professional athlete in any sport, which sport would you choose and why?
  6. What’s the most unusual or unexpected item you carry with you every day?
  7. If you could have any accent from around the world, which one would you choose?
  8. What’s the most hilarious or embarrassing thing you’ve done while on a date?
  9. If you could choose any animal to be your personal sidekick, which one would you choose?
  10. If you could change your name to anything, but it had to be a food, what would you choose?

Funny questions to ask (81-90):

  1. If you could only use one mode of transportation for the rest of your life, would you choose a unicycle, roller skates, or a pogo stick?
  2. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done to avoid an awkward situation?
  3. If you had to replace your hands with kitchen utensils, which ones would you choose and why?
  4. If you were a professional wrestler, what would your stage name be and what would be your signature move?
  5. What’s the most absurd nickname you’ve ever been given or given to someone else?
  6. If you could have any superpower, but it could only be used to mildly inconvenience others, what would it be?
  7. If you had to eat one condiment for the rest of your life, which one would you choose?
  8. What’s the funniest or most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done while trying to impress someone?
  9. If you had to wear a hat every day for the rest of your life, what type of hat would you choose?
  10. What’s the most unusual talent you have that nobody knows about?

Funny questions to ask (91-100):

  1. What’s the strangest talent you have?
  2. If you could replace your voice with any celebrity’s voice, whose voice would you choose?
  3. If you could only watch one genre of movie for the rest of your life, which one would you pick: romantic comedies, horror movies, or documentaries?
  4. If you could add any word to the dictionary, what would it be and what would its definition be?
  5. What’s the funniest or most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you at a family gathering?
  6. If you had to permanently change your hairstyle to one of these options, would you choose a mullet, a mohawk, or a perm?
  7. What’s the most bizarre or unexpected item you’ve ever found in your pocket or purse?
  8. If you could only use one dance move for the rest of your life, which one would you choose?
  9. What’s the strangest or most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done to avoid being late?
  10. If you could be the world champion in any unusual or obscure sport, which one would you choose?

Please share with your friends:

So, there you have it. My 50 funny questions to ask anyone. I hope you have fun with them.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

I appreciate your support. Thank you.

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This hilarious joke is guaranteed to make you laugh

HILARIOUS JOKEWe all need to laugh at least once each day, wouldn’t you agree? Well, dear reader if you’ve yet to laugh today then I think this hilarious joke will be just what you need.

This is a joke guaranteed to make you laugh and it’s one you can tell in the office without worrying about offending people.

So go on, take a minute and enjoy it.

Hilarious Joke:

Standing up to the Angels:

A man dies and suddenly finds himself standing in line at the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter.

With a cloud-connected iPad in his hand, St Peter is checking the details of each individual standing in line to decide whether they’ve done enough to pass through the gates into Heaven.

When the man gets to the front of the queue, St Peter looks at him and says, “Name please?

I’m Jim Thompson”, says the man.

Hello Jim”, says St Peter, “Can you tell me what you did for a living please?

Jim hesitated momentarily before saying, “Unfortunately I was out of work and living on welfare.

Hmmmmm”, says St Peter rubbing his chin. “Have you done anything recently that has benefited your fellow human beings?

Jim thought for a minute and then he said, “Well, when I saw a group of Hells Angels abusing a pretty girl in the street, I walked right up to the ringleader and getting right into his personal space, nose to nose, looking him dead in the eye, I said to him, ‘You show that girl some respect boy or you and me we’ll have to sort it out man to man’.

St Peter tapped something into his iPad and considered the response momentarily. Then he said to Jim, “I’m afraid there’s nothing in your records to confirm what you’ve said. When did it happen?

About five minutes ago”, said Jim.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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22 Murrayisms to make Murray Walker fans smile

MURRAYISMSIf you’re wondering what Murrayisms are then perhaps you’re not familiar with the late, legendary, Formula One commentator Murray Walker.

Murrayisms were amusing, and often factually incorrect quips that Murray Walker would say as he got carried away by his own enthusiasm and excitement during an F1 race.

For motorsport fans everywhere, they added to the entertainment and endeared Murray to their hearts. His enthusiasm was genuinely infectious and the fans loved him for it.

Graeme Murray Walker OBE was a British motorsport commentator, journalist and former advertising executive. He provided television commentary of live Formula One racing in a broadcasting career spanning over 50 years. And his way with words helped to earn him his status as a national treasure in Britain.

So here are 22 Murrayisms for your pleasure and entertainment. Enjoy them all.

Murrayisms

Murrayisms (1 – 11):

  1. And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.
  2. Either the car is stationary, or it’s on the move.
  3. With half the race gone, there’s half the race still to go.
  4. There’s nothing wrong with the car except that it’s on fire.
  5. Anything can happen in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does.
  6. You might think that’s cricket and it’s not, it’s motor racing.
  7. That’s history. I say history because it happened in the past.
  8. I can’t believe what’s happening visually, in front of my eyes.
  9. He can’t decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.
  10. The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.
  11. If is a very long word in Formula One. In fact IF is F1 spelled backwards.

Murrayisms

Murrayisms (11 – 22):

  1. And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One racing.
  2. Motor racing can never be totally safe and it never should be in my opinion.
  3. I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable.
  4. I’ve not idea what Eddie Irvine’s orders are, but he’s following them superlatively well.
  5. I don’t make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.
  6. This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
  7. Well, now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.
  8. Schumacher wouldn’t have let him past voluntarily. Of course he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it.
  9. There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today and four of them are Michael Schumacher.
  10. Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium, and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world.
  11. Now he must not go the wrong way round the circuit, and unless he can spin himself stationary through 360 degrees I fail to see how he can avoid doing so.

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So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that can be your good deed for the day.

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Thank you.

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