25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up

02/05/2025 by

Today I offer you 25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up. If you know someone in serious need of a smile or two, then some of these might just make them laugh.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all, and then pick the best ones and see if you can get a good laugh from your friends.

Even if it’s only a groan you get in return, it will probably lift people’s spirits, at the very least.

Jokes to cheer someone up: (1 – 12)

If at first you don’t succeed, then don’t try skydiving.

If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?

I never like taking selfies of myself in the shower. The photos turn out blurry, and I have selfie steam issues.

You should keep your voice down in cornfields because there are so many ears.

I used to be a watchmaker. I loved the job because I made my own hours.

If your guy doesn’t like fresh fruit puns, let the mango.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.

Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen.

I tried the vegan diet for a week, but it was a huge miss steak.

Apparently, you can’t use BEEFSTEW as a password because it’s not Stroganoff.

I was listening to classical music on the television, but it wasn’t to my taste. Far too much sax and violins.

Did you hear about the watchmaker who became a gardener? He ended up with too much thyme on his hands.

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Jokes to cheer someone up: (13 – 25)

I made a movie about diarrhea. It’s been released everywhere.

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars were all in the same bar. They didn’t planet that way.

You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. Unless you play bass, then you can play all the scales.

So many people are anti-vaccination, but I think they should give it a shot.

I saw an advertisement in the newspaper for burial plots. I thought that’s the last thing I need.

My girlfriend bet me $100 that I couldn’t build a car from spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

I went to Mount Rushmore and I was probably the only visitor unimpressed. Perhaps I just took it for granite.

Can someone recommend a better way of clearing frost from my windshield? I used a discount card but I only got 20% off.

My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl. “I didn’t know he could!” was my reply.

A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun. I was told that he’s fully recovered now.

My wife’s in the hospital after eating a daffodil bulb. She’ll be out in the spring.

Lance is no longer a common name, but in medieval times, men were named Lance a lot.

There’s a new GPS device designed for seniors. It tells you how to get where you want to go and then reminds you why you wanted to go there.

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Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case, then please share this blog post with your friends, because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

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35 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

02/04/2025 by

Whenever I share funny one-liners with readers, the posts are always popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one-liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you, dear reader.

Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 35 brilliant one-liners. They all made me smile, and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources, I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all classified as Author Unknown.

However, I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes if readers can enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime, I hope these 35 brilliant one-liners will brighten your day.

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BRILLIANT ONE-LINERS

Brilliant one-liners (1-10):

  1. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  2. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  3. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  4. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  5. Always give 100 % unless you’re donating blood.
  6. I started with nothing, and I’ve still got most of it.
  7. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  8. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!
  10. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Brilliant one-liners (11-20):

  1. A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
  2. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  3. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  4. Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?
  5. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  6. I went to a seafood disco last night and pulled a mussel.
  7. Being a hypochondriac will save my life one of these days.
  8. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  9. Dogs will never make good dancers because they all have two left feet.
  10. I’ve just written a new book about reverse psychology. Please don’t buy it.
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BRILLIANT ONE-LINERS

Brilliant one-liners (21-30):

  1. I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
  2. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  3. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought, “This changes everything!”
  4. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  5. My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
  6. I sent my photograph to a Lonely-Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.
  7. I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
  8. I asked my wife whether she was willing to embrace her mistakes. She said, “I married you didn’t I!”
  9. You know you’re in a crazy church when the only tune the organist knows is ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’.
  10. I was going to ask God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Brilliant one-liners (31-35):

  1. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  2. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? She’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!
  3. Did you hear about the guy who suffered from paranoia and low self-esteem? He thought no one important was out to get him.
  4. I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. “How flexible are you?” he inquired. I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.”
  5. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
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If you enjoyed them, please share:

If you enjoyed these brilliant one-liners, dear reader, please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

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21 extracts from funny complaints letters to make you smile

01/27/2025 by

Today I’ve curated some extracts from funny complaints letters.

Unfortunately, people living in social housing tend to be at the lower end of the socio-economic scale. They often have limited education and tend to be less articulate. The result for local councils can be some funny complaint letters at times.

In Britain, local councils are the focal point for the provision of social housing, and they are the main recipients of what frequently turn out to be some funny complaints letters.

To illustrate my point, here are some extracts from funny complaints letters sent to local councils in Britain. All very innocent remarks, of course, but I’m sure the housing officers receiving these letters couldn’t resist a chuckle or two.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

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Funny complaints letters (1-10):

  1. My lavatory seat is cracked; where do I stand?
  2. It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
  3. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  4. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
  5. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
  6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
  7. Their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
  8. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
  9. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.
  10. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

Funny complaints letters (11-21):

  1. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
  2. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
  3. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It’s a funny colour and not fit to drink.
  4. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  5. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
  6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
  7. The next-door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and I just can’t take it anymore.
  8. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am, his cock wakes me up, and it’s now getting too much for me.
  9. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
  10. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
  11. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night?
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Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these funny complaints letters? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case, then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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This hilarious joke is guaranteed to make you laugh

01/24/2025 by

We all must laugh at least once daily, wouldn’t you agree? Well, dear reader, if you’ve yet to laugh today, I think this hilarious joke will just be what you need.

This is a joke guaranteed to make you laugh, and it’s one you can tell in the office without worrying about offending people.

So go on, take a minute, and enjoy it.

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Hilarious Joke:

Standing up to the Angels:

A man dies and suddenly finds himself standing in line at the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter.

With a cloud-connected iPad in his hand, St Peter is checking the details of each individual standing in line to decide whether they’ve done enough to pass through the gates into Heaven.

When the man gets to the front of the queue, St Peter looks at him and says, “Name please?”

“I’m Jim Thompson”, says the man.

“Hello Jim”, says St Peter, “Can you tell me what you did for a living please?”

Jim hesitated momentarily before saying, “Unfortunately I was out of work and living on welfare.”

“Hmmmmm”, says St Peter rubbing his chin. “Have you done anything recently that has benefited your fellow human beings?”

Jim thought for a minute, and then he said, “Well, when I saw a group of Hells Angels abusing a pretty girl in the street, I walked right up to the ringleader, and getting right into his personal space, nose to nose, looking him dead in the eye, I said to him, ‘You show that girl some respect, boy or you and I will have to sort it out man to man’.”

St Peter tapped something into his iPad and considered the response momentarily. Then he said to Jim, “I’m afraid there’s nothing in your records to confirm what you’ve said. When did it happen?”

“About five minutes ago”, said Jim.

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Please share this joke:

If you enjoyed this hilarious joke, dear reader, then please share it on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

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25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

01/22/2025 by

If you’re looking for some brilliant one-liners, dear reader, I have some gems for you today.

There’s so much on the Internet and so little time to read it all. And what we all need is a good laugh. The problem is that we haven’t got time to read all the longer jokes.

Worry not. Help is at hand. Here are 25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Certainly, they all made me smile.

They’ll only consume 30 seconds of your time, and they’re well worth the effort.

And of course, laughter is the best medicine. So rather than take medication, you can have a good laugh instead.

Surely that’s a win-win situation? Go on, enjoy them all now.

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Brilliant one-liners (1-10):

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

If photons have mass does that mean they’re Catholic?

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

If I had a dollar for every smart person I know I’d be broke.

A liberal is just a conservative who hasn’t been mugged yet.

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Brilliant one-liners (11-20):

I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.

Can you increase the bounciness of a waterbed by using spring water?

If you can’t beat them, you could always arrange to have them beaten.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

I saw a sign that said, “Watch for Children,” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So, we compromised and got a puppy.

Why is the day you do your housework, laundry, cooking, and ironing called a day off?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.

Brilliant one-liners (21-25):

You know they’re a real friend when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.

I’m great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If a woman wants to scare a man, the only question she needs to ask is, “Do you know what day it is today?”

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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Please share with your friends:

So did any of these prove to be the brilliant one-liners you’d hoped for, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

Brilliant one-liners

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30 funny quotes about life that’ll make you smile

01/20/2025 by

Hello dear reader, are you looking for some funny quotes about life?

Life doesn’t come with a guarantee.

It is what it is and we get out of it about as much as we are prepared to put in. Certainly, that is my experience.

Some people are lucky and others less so. And we can’t be certain of anything, other than death and taxes (and the occasional Wi-Fi dropout).

It’s a funny old world when you think about it and the experience of human existence can be a little bizarre at times too.

So today I offer you 30 funny quotes about life to emphasize the point and hopefully make you smile too.

Yes, life’s hard, and for many people, it’s extremely tough.

Life can be cruel for many people, but for the lucky ones it can be a joy. So if you’re one of the lucky ones then embrace life and all the challenges it puts in your path. Through those challenges, you will grow.

However, don’t take yourself too seriously because no one else does.

Just learn to smile and appreciate whatever is good in your life.

Chase success by all means, but don’t expect any certainties. Just enjoy whatever comes your way.

Finally, remember this: you will make mistakes. So what? Everyone else does too.

Just learn from any mistakes you make and move on.

Nothing matters much when you think about it.

However, laughing at yourself and life is probably the most important coping tool you’ll have at your disposal. So start by laughing at these funny quotes about life.

Sadly, I cannot be sure of their origins, so for the moment they remain classified as authors unknown.

However, if you can enlighten me as to their origins, then please do. I am very keen to acknowledge the work of others whenever possible.

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30 FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT LIFE

Funny quotes about life (1-10):

  1. Smile while you still have teeth.
  2. Only the mediocre are always at their best.
  3. If only common sense were more common.
  4. What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.
  5. Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer.
  6. I really should do something with my life; maybe tomorrow.
  7. Life’s like a game of chess. If only I knew how to play chess.
  8. I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to rearrange the world.
  9. I didn’t fall; I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.
  10. Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Funny quotes about life (11-20):

  1. I’m old enough to know better but young enough to do it anyway.
  2. Life’s short. Eat cake and chocolate whilst you’ve still got the chance.
  3. Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.
  4. If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.
  5. Life’s like a Wi-Fi signal. You never know when it’s going to drop out on you.
  6. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
  7. Sorry, I didn’t pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone.
  8. Long walks are great, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
  9. We all have baggage; find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.
  10. I love to be around some people; I love to stay away from others, and some people I’d just love to punch right in the face.
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Funny quotes about life (21-30):

  1. Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
  2. Life’s a puzzle. You have all the pieces, but you don’t know how to fit them all together.
  3. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest, I would miss you so much.
  4. Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.
  5. When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
  6. Life is like a deck of cards. You can play your hand well or blame the dealer for your bad luck.
  7. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.
  8. Life’s like a game of hide and seek. Except sometimes, nobody’s looking for you, and you’re hiding in the wrong spot.
  9. The alphabet begins with ABC; numbers begin with 123; music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me.
  10. Taking a shower is awesome; it makes you feel nice and clean; makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life’s decisions.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these funny quotes about life amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of them make you smile? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Articles you might enjoy:

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22 bad puns that are so bad they’re funny

01/19/2025 by

If you’re searching for bad puns, this post is for you.

I love puns, as you may have seen in some previous blog posts. The clever use of words always makes me smile. Whether they’re good puns or bad puns, they usually make me laugh.

Today my focus is on bad puns for a change.

So, here are 22 bad puns that reflect on why so many professionals never die.

I hope they brighten your day or, at least, don’t make you groan too much.

Enjoy them all now.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

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Bad Puns: 

  1. Old owls never die they just don’t give a hoot.
  2. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
  3. Old sculptors never die they just lose their marbles.
  4. Old professors never die they just lose their class.
  5. Old limbo dancers never die they just go under.
  6. Old chemists never die they just fail to react.
  7. Old mathematicians never die they just disintegrate.
  8. Old investors never die they just roll over.
  9. Old printers never die they’re just not the type.
  10. Old sanitation engineers never die they’re just dumped.
  11. Old police officers never die they just cop out.
  12. Old bankers never die they just lose interest.
  13. Old sewage workers never die they just waste away.
  14. Old electricians never die they just lose contact.
  15. Old accountants never die they just lose their figures.
  16. Old photographers never die they just stop developing.
  17. Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
  18. Old tailors never die they just get stitched up.
  19. Old chauffeurs never die they just lose their drive.
  20. Old quarterbacks never die they just pass away.
  21. Old cleaners never die they just kick the bucket.
  22. Old cooks never die they just get deranged.
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Can you add another one?

On the theme of old professionals never dying, can you add another one to this list?

Maybe you could make one up and entertain our readers? Perhaps a pun related to your profession or hobby? I’ll bet you can, dear reader.

Go on, have a go at writing one of your own, and send it to me via the Contact Page.

The page will then be updated and you’ll get a full acknowledgement on this post for your contribution

I’m confident readers will have lots of great ideas. So go on, let me have them now.

Please share with your friends on social media:

I hope these bad puns made you laugh, dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could use another laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here, then please share it with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

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3 Really funny jokes to tell your friends today

01/17/2025 by

If you want people to like you, then always have a funny joke to make them laugh. Here are some very funny jokes to tell your friends today.

They all made me laugh, and I hope they’ll make you and your friends laugh too.

Enjoy them all.

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Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. The infected thumb:

Bill’s away from home on a business trip and, as he’s on expenses, he decides he’ll have a nice three-course meal in a restaurant.

He takes his seat at the table, exchanges a little conversation with the waitress, places his order and then relaxes with a glass of red wine waiting for his food to arrive.

It’s not long before the waitress brings him a nice, warm bowl of clam chowder with crackers. However, he can’t help but notice that her thumb is sticking in the chowder. He’s not happy but he lets it go.

A little later, the waitress arrives with a plate filled with delicious Spaghetti Carbonara but once again, her thumb is immersed in the spaghetti. Again, Bill’s not happy but he lets it go.

Then as he’s looking forward to his dessert, the waitress returns with some hot apple pie, but once again her thumb is sticking in Bill’s food.

“Mam”, says Bill angrily, “every time you bring my food your thumb’s sticking in it. Why is that?”

“Oh I am so sorry sir”, the waitress responds, “but my thumb has an infection and my doctor says I must keep it warm and moist at all times.”

Disgusted by what he’s hearing, Bill snaps angrily, “Well, why don’t you just stick it up your ass?”

Sheepishly the waitress replies, “Where do you think I’ve been putting it when I’m in the kitchen?”

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2. The fishing trip:

Four married men are going on a weekend fishing trip.

They’re exchanging banter in the car on the way to the lake when Jim says, “Guys, you’ve no idea what I had to do to persuade my wife to agree to me joining you on this trip. I’ve had to promise to redecorate the living room and our bedroom next weekend.”

“That’s nothing”, says Mike. “I had to promise my wife that I would build a new deck around the pool area next weekend.”

“You both had it easy”, says Ed. “I had to promise my wife that I’d buy her a new kitchen, as well as pay for her to go fashion shopping in Milan, Italy with her friends next summer.”

They carry on down the highway laughing and joking, but then they realize their friend Vic has yet to say anything.

“Hey Vic”, says Jim, “what did you have to do to get the green light to come with us on this fishing weekend?”

“Not much really”, says Vic, “I just set the alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off, I tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, ‘will you make love with me or should I go fishing?’ to which she responded, ‘take a warm sweater with you, dear.’”

3. The well and the goat:

Two friends, Bert and Mack were out walking one day when they came across an old abandoned well.

Naturally, they were curious as to how deep this well might be, so they dropped a stone down it and listened for the sound of the stone hitting the bottom. But they didn’t hear anything.

So they found a much larger rock and then dropped that down the well but still, they didn’t hear anything.

Clearly, this was a very deep well and they needed something much, much bigger if they were going to hear anything at all.

So Bert and Mack searched around for a while and eventually they found a section of railroad track leaning up against a wall.

“This’ll be perfect”, said Bert.

So between them, they lifted this heavy piece of cast iron and with great effort managed to carry back to the well and drop it down the hole.

As they stood back to listen, a goat suddenly flashed past their eyes and went straight down the well too.

Bert and Mack were still recovering from the shock resulting from what they’d just seen when a farmer appeared.

“Have you boys seen a goat?” asked the farmer.

“Yes”, said Mack, “a goat has just jumped down this well.”

“No, that couldn’t have been my goat”, said the farmer. “Mine was tethered to a heavy length of railroad track.”

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So dear reader, were these funny jokes to tell your friends as amusing as you’d hoped? Were they worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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10 memorable lines from the movies you’ll enjoy

01/10/2025 by

If you’re looking for some memorable lines from the movies, then you might just enjoy the ones I have for you today.

I love the movies and all the clever lines that are so memorable.

So I thought it would be a good idea to share with you 10 memorable lines from the movies.

I think these are some of the best lines of all time.

Enjoy them all. And please, feel free to pass them on.

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Memorable lines from the movies

I’ll Have What She’s Having. ~When Harry Met Sally (1989)

It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage. ~Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. ~Animal House (1978)

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the War Room! ~Dr Strangelove (1964)

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. ~The First Wives Club (1996)

There’s only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples’ cultures and the Dutch. ~Goldmember (2002)

I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day he tells me it’s my fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him. Yeah, I did a little jail time but it was worth it. ~Living Out Loud (1998)

There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? ~Airplane! (1980)

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I. ~What About Bob? (1991)

You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk. ~Dirty Harry (1971)

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And a bonus memorable line from television:

I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? ~Chandler Bing, Friends

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Were these some of the most memorable lines of all time?

If you were impressed with this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People do love the movies, so share this post now. When you share, everyone wins.

And if you could share this post, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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15 quotes by Lily Tomlin that are sharp and witty

01/04/2025 by

If you’re looking for quotes by Lily Tomlin, this article is for you.

Lily Tomlin has to be one of the best comedians of all time, in my opinion.

Born Mary Jean Tomlin in 1939, I think she’s up there with the very best female comedians, like Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller, and could give any of America’s funny men a serious run for their money too.

She is, in fact, an actress, comedian, writer, singer, and producer and has had a successful career stretching back to the 1960s.

Here are 15 quotes by Lily Tomlin to underline my point.

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Quotes by Lily Tomlin:

  1. We are all in this together, by ourselves. ~Lily Tomlin
  2. The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin
  3. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin
  4. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. ~Lily Tomlin
  5. I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. ~Lily Tomlin
  6. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. ~Lily Tomlin
  7. Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest then we can all die laughing. ~Lily Tomlin
  8. Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. ~Lily Tomlin
  9. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. ~Lily Tomlin
  10. The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~Lily Tomlin
  11. We’re all in this alone. ~Lily Tomlin
  12. I guess if people couldn’t profit from war, I don’t think there would be war. ~Lily Tomlin
  13. Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. ~Lily Tomlin
  14. When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime, and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. ~Lily Tomlin
  15. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ~Lily Tomlin
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Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Lily Tomlin as interesting and inspirational as you’d hoped, dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case, then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me, then I will be truly grateful. Thank you.

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