21 funny quotes you’ll absolutely love

Funny QuotesI love quotes and I love those funny quotes that make you smile and make you think.

Here are 21 funny quotes to highlight my point. Enjoy them all.

Funny quotes:

  1. Smile today because tomorrow could be worse. ~Anonymous
  2. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. ~Anonymous
  3. I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. ~Anonymous
  4. You’re born free then you’re taxed to death. ~Anonymous
  5. He who wakes up early yawns all day long. ~Anonymous
  6. I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed. ~Anonymous
  7. Those who snore always fall asleep first. ~Anonymous
  8. Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all, intelligence has its limits. ~Anonymous
  9. I just wanted you to know somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. ~Anonymous
  10. “Revenge” sounds so mean, that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.” ~Anonymous
  11. The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you’re with someone you’re not supposed to be seen with. ~Anonymous
  12. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right. ~Anonymous
  13. To make a mistake is human but to blame it on someone else, now that’s even more human.
    ~Anonymous
  14. It may look like I’m doing nothing but in my head, I’m quite busy. ~Anonymous
  15. When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window. ~Anonymous
  16. Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re done. ~Anonymous
  17. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. ~Anonymous
  18. I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live. ~Anonymous
  19. Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you’re bad luck. ~Anonymous
  20. I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop making me angry! ~Anonymous
  21. My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. ~Anonymous

Funny QuotesIf you enjoyed these funny quotes, please share them:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny quotes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share

 them now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

Witty quotes I love witty quotes from the funniest people and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share some of them with you dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  6. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

Please share this post with your friends:

Do you agree that these are some of the best witty quotes, dear reader?

You do? I hope so anyway.

If you did enjoy them then please, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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3 Good jokes guaranteed to make you smile

Good JokesIf you’re looking for some good jokes then look no further dear reader. I have three very good jokes for you today.

They all made me laugh out loud and I’m confident they’ll amuse you too.

So enjoy them all now.

Some very good jokes:

1. The duck hunter:

Dave was a keen duck hunter and he’d been looking to buy a new bird dog for quite a while.

Dave’s search ended when he found an amazing dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Naturally, Dave was pleased with his discovery but he was sure that his friends wouldn’t believe he’d found a dog that could walk on water.

So he decided to break the news to his friend Paul, a pessimist who was rarely impressed by anything.

Hoping for once he might actually impress Paul, Dave invited him on a hunting trip to experience the dog first hand.

However, Dave didn’t mention the dog’s special talent, as he wanted Paul to see it for himself.

Arriving in the woods, the two men and the dog found a suitable spot by the lake and waited for some ducks to appear. And it wasn’t long before some ducks flew overhead.

Both men fired their shotguns and a duck fell from the sky and landed on the lake.

The dog responded by walking across the water, without sinking, and retrieving the duck. Apart from the soles of its feet, the dog didn’t get wet at all.

This continued throughout the day.

Each time a duck fell, the dog retrieved it by walking across the water, without getting wet.

Determined to remain unimpressed, Paul observed everything but he didn’t say a word.

On the drive home, Dave couldn’t resist it any longer and he said to Paul, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog Paul?

Yes, I did”, said Paul. “He can’t swim.”

2. Grizzly bears on the Appalachian Trail:

A tourist guide was explaining the dangers of grizzly bears to hikers about to walk the Appalachian Trail from Springer Mountain, Georgia.

The guide warned, “You should realise that most encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet to avoid disturbing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble upon bears.

He had the hikers’ full attention now.

Be aware that surprising a grizzly bear can have disastrous consequences for you”, the guide continued. “To avoid this we recommend that hikers wear tiny bells on their clothing to provide bears with an early warning of your presence. You should, of course, exercise great caution should you spot the tell-tale signs of bears in the area, particularly if you see bear droppings.”

“And how do we identify bear droppings from those of other wildlife?” asked one of the hikers.

“Easy”, explained the guide. “They’re the ones with all the tiny bells in them!”

3. The talking monkey:

Pete was walking past a pet shop when he saw a talking monkey being advertised for sale.

Intrigued, Pete went inside to see if this monkey was all the owners claimed it to be. It was and Pete was so impressed, particularly with the monkey’s extensive vocabulary and mastery of English, he bought the erudite primate immediately.

Then that very evening, Pete took his new pet to his local bar and he bet everyone twenty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Ten people immediately accepted the challenge but, despite much prompting from Pete, the monkey failed to say a word.

Pete was extremely disappointed but he had no choice but to pay up.

However, when he got home, the monkey was talking freely once again.

So the next evening, Pete decided he would return to the bar and try again.

This time he bet everyone thirty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Given the experience of the previous evening, most of the patrons in the bar were more than willing to accept Pete’s bet.

Sadly for Pete, his monkey wouldn’t say a word and once again it proved to be an expensive evening.

When he got home with the monkey, Pete was annoyed with his pet and he said, “I’ve had it with you, tomorrow you’re going back to the pet shop and I’m claiming a refund.

Calm down”, the monkey responded. “Just think about the odds we’ll be able to get in the bar tomorrow evening.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these good jokes as good as you’d hoped? Were they worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

3 Really funny jokes I know you’ll just love

Really funny jokesIf you’re looking for some really funny jokes then I’ve got three good ones today. I’m confident you’ll love them all.

So takes a few moments to enjoy them and then please pass them on to your friends.

Really funny jokes:

1. A companion for Adam:

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So he went to God and said, “Lord, I’m lonely. I’ve got no one to talk to.

God smiled at Adam and said, “I was thinking about giving you a companion called Woman.”

Woman?” Adam responded, quizzically.

Yes”, said God. “She’ll cook for you; clean for you; and she’ll wash your clothes. She’ll bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to help care for them. She’ll agree to whatever you say. She’ll never nag you and always admit when she’s wrong. She won’t bear a grudge and she’ll dress to please you. And of course she’ll make love to you whenever you want her to.

Wow”, said Adam. “That sounds fantastic. How much would a woman like that cost me?

An arm and a leg”, God replied.

Oh!”, said Adam. “What can I get for a rib?

2. Going away with the boss:

George rang his wife one day from the office and said, “Honey, I’ve been asked to go fishing on a lake up in Wyoming with my boss and a couple of his friends, and we’re leaving tonight. We’ll be away for the rest of the week.

Really?” his wife, Jane, responded.

Look, I know it’s a bit short notice,” George responded, “but this will be a great opportunity for me to schmooze with the boss and press for that promotion I’ve been chasing.

OK, I guess I’ll just have to live with it then,” said Jane.

I’ll need your help though,” said George. “I need you to pack enough clothes for the rest of the week and set out my rod and tackle box. I’ll stop by and collect them later. Oh, can you pack my new blue silk pyjamas too please?”

Jane thought his last request was a little suspicious but she did as he asked.

When George returned from his trip, Jane asked him how it had gone.

I’m a bit tired”, said George, “but otherwise it was a great trip.”

“Did you catch many fish?” Jane inquired.

“Oh, yes!” George responded. “The fish were really biting and I caught more than anyone else. But, how come you didn’t pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked?”

“I did, honey!” said Jane. “They were in your tackle box.”

3. The monkey and the lion:

It was a warm afternoon in the Serengeti National Park.

Two monkeys were sitting high in a tall tree watching a lion sleeping peacefully on the ground far below.

One of the monkeys said to the other, “Hey, I dare you to go down and give that lion a kick in the butt.

The other monkey was always up for a dare and so he agreed immediately.

Yes, I can do that”, said the monkey. And with that, he ran down the tree.

Once on the ground, he walked around the lion to check it was still asleep. Then he went to the rear of the lion and kicked it as hard as he could in the butt.

Woken suddenly, the lion roared, and the monkey started running as fast as he could.

The lion was angry and gave chase immediately.

Needless to say, the lion was fast and it didn’t take long for it to get within fifty yards of the monkey.

Realizing it needed to act fast, if it wasn’t to be eaten, the monkey picked up a newspaper that had been discarded by tourists.

The monkey then sat on a tree stump, hid behind the newspaper and pretended to read it.

Moments later, the lion arrived and said, “Excuse me, did you see a monkey pass this way?

Do you mean the one that kicked the lion in the butt?” the monkey responded.

Oh, no!” groaned the lion. “It’s not in the papers already, is it?

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these really funny jokes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

3 Really funny jokes to tell your friends today

Funny jokes to tell your friends If you want people to like you then always have a funny joke to make them laugh. Here are some very funny jokes to tell your friends today.

They all made me laugh and I hope they’ll make you and your friends laugh too.

Enjoy them all.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. The infected thumb:

Bill’s away from home on a business trip and, as he’s on expenses, he decides he’ll have a nice three-course meal in a restaurant.

He takes his seat at the table, exchanges a little conversation with the waitress, places his order and then relaxes with a glass of red wine waiting for his food to arrive.

It’s not long before the waitress brings him a nice, warm bowl of clam chowder with crackers. However he can’t help but notice that her thumb is sticking in the chowder. He’s not happy but he lets it go.

A little later, the waitress arrives with a plate filled with delicious Spaghetti Carbonara but once again, her thumb is immersed in the spaghetti. Again, Bill’s not happy but he lets it go.

Then as he’s looking forward to his dessert, the waitress returns with some hot apple pie, but once again her thumb is sticking in Bill’s food.

Mam”, says Bill angrily, “every time you bring my food your thumb’s sticking in it. Why is that?

Oh I am so sorry sir”, the waitress responds, “but my thumb has an infection and my doctor says I must keep it warm and moist at all times.

Disgusted by what he’s hearing, Bill snaps angrily, “Well, why don’t you just stick it up your ass?

Sheepishly the waitress replies, “Where do you think I’ve been putting it when I’m in the kitchen?

2. The fishing trip:

Four married men are going on a weekend fishing trip.

They’re exchanging banter in the car on the way to the lake, when Jim says, “Guys, you’ve no idea what I had to do to persuade my wife to agree to me joining you on this trip. I’ve had to promise to redecorate the living room and our bedroom next weekend.

That’s nothing”, says Mike. “I had to promise my wife that I would build a new deck around the pool area next weekend.

You both had it easy”, says Ed. “I had to promise my wife that I’d buy her a new kitchen, as well as pay for her to go fashion shopping in Milan, Italy with her friends next summer.

They carry on down the highway laughing and joking, but then they realize their friend Vic has yet to say anything.

Hey Vic”, says Jim, “what did you have to do to get the green light to come with us on this fishing weekend?

Not much really”, says Vic, “I just set the alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off, I tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, ‘will you make love with me or should I go fishing?’ to which she responded, ‘take a warm sweater with you, dear.’”

3. The well and the goat:

Two friends, Bert and Mack were out walking one day when they came across an old abandoned well.

Naturally they were curious as to how deep this well might be, so they dropped a stone down it and listened for the sound of the stone hitting the bottom. But they didn’t hear anything.

So they found a much larger rock and then dropped that down the well but still they didn’t hear anything.

Clearly this was a very deep well and they needed something much, much bigger if they were going to hear anything at all.

So Bert and Mack searched around for a while and eventually they found a section of railroad track leaning up against a wall.

This’ll be perfect”, said Bert.

So between them they lifted this heavy piece of cast iron and with great effort managed to carry back to the well and drop it down the hole.

As they stood back to listen, a goat suddenly flashed past their eyes and went straight down the well too.

Bert and Mack were still recovering from the shock resulting from what they’d just seen, when a farmer appeared.

Have you boys seen a goat?” asked the farmer.

Yes”, said Mack, “a goat has just jumped down this well.”

No, that couldn’t have been my goat”, said the farmer. “Mine was tethered to a heavy length of railroad track.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these funny jokes to tell your friends as amusing as you’d hoped? Were they worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

3 seriously funny jokes that are guaranteed to tickle you

Seriously funny jokesIf you’re searching for some seriously funny jokes dear reader then I’ve got three here just for you which I’m sure will make you laugh.

They all made me laugh, so I hope you enjoy them too.

Here are 3 seriously funny jokes:

1. Bell ringer wanted:

Quasimodo placed an advert in the local newspaper for an assistant bell ringer.

Unfortunately there was just one applicant for the job. What was even more unfortunate was that the man applying for the job had no arms.

Quasimodo looked him up and down and then asked quizzically, “How will you be able to do what will be required of you?

Let me show you,” said the man, who then proceeded to run at the bell and strike it with his head.

Well, that’s really incredible!” exclaimed an astonished Quasimodo. “Could you show me that again?

Sure I can,” said the man, and once again he ran at the bell but this time he missed and fell straight out of the bell tower to his death on the ground below.

A crowd gathered around the corpse lying on the ground. A police officer quickly appeared on the scene and asked, “Can anyone identify this poor man?

Quasimodo responded, “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.

2. Mrs Kelly’s parrot:

Father Malone was new to his Brooklyn parish, and he was visiting one of his parishioners, a little old lady.

Sitting in her living room with a cup of tea, he looked around and noticed she had a pet parrot, which had ribbons tied to each leg.

Father Malone looked for a moment and then he politely enquired, “Mrs Kelly, why does your parrot have ribbons tied to its legs?

Mrs Kelly smiled and said, “Well believe or not father, if I pull the left ribbon he’ll sing ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’, and if I pull the right one he’ll sing, ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ for me.

Really? That’s impressive Mrs Kelly,” responded the priest. “And what happens if you pull both ribbons together?

I’ll fall off the bloody perch!” said the parrot.

3. The tap-dancing duck:

A circus owner walked into a bar in Wyoming where everyone inside was crowded around one table.

In the middle of this table was an upturned flower pot with a duck tap dancing on top of it.

Everyone was cheering at the duck’s antics and the circus owner, having a good nose for a crowd-pleaser, thought this was an attraction he should grab with both hands. So immediately he bought both the duck and the flower pot from the bar’s owner for $1,000.

He took the duck back to his circus and promoted his new attraction heavily. Well, it wasn’t long before people were coming from miles around eager to catch a glimpse of the tap-dancing duck.

Sadly there was widespread disappointment because the duck simply refused to perform. It wouldn’t dance a single step.

Naturally, the circus owner was angry and he returned to the bar immediately with the duck to complain to the man who sold it to him, the bar’s owner.

This duck’s a fraud,” complained the circus owner, “He won’t dance a single step for me!

That’s very odd,” said the bar owner. “Did you remember to light the candle under the flower pot?

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these seriously funny jokes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

21 silly jokes guaranteed to make your kids smile

Silly JokesKids love silly jokes and quite a few adults do too, including me. Whenever I hear silly jokes I always make a note of them in my journal. Well, they’re always useful for breaking the ice at a dinner parties, if nothing else.

Anyway, today I thought I’d trawl through my journal and put together a collection of some of the best silly jokes just for you dear reader and I hope you enjoy them all.

Certainly I did, both the first time around and on reviewing them now.

Yes, they’re all very silly but they’re guaranteed to make your kids smile.

Silly Jokes:

  • Why did the ant elope?
  • Nobody gnu
  • Why do skunks argue?
  • They like to kick up a stink
  • How do you arrest a pig?
  • Put it in ham cuffs
  • Why do horses look sad?
  • They have long faces
  • Why do coyotes call at night?
  • The rates are cheaper
  • What animal never gets wet?
  • An umbrellephant
  • What makes a chicken blush?
  • Henbarrassment
  • In what key does a cow sing?
  • Beef flat
  • Why don’t anteaters get sick?
  • They’re full of antibodies
  • How do rodents keep their breath fresh?
  • Using mousewash
  • What did the parrot say to the spaniel?
  • I’m a cocker too
  • How do you eat an elephant?
  • One bite at a time
  • What sound does a space turkey make?
  • Hubble, Hubble, Hubble
  • Why are giraffes brave?
  • Because they’re always sticking their next out
  • How many skunks does it take to stink out a room?
  • A phew
  • How does a dolphin make a decision?
  • Flipper coin
  • How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?
  • You get a buzzy tone
  • What’s even better than the cat’s whiskers?
  • The bee’s knees
  • What happened when two American stoats got married?
  • They became the United Stoats of America
  • What do you get from a chicken who’s been drinking whisky?
  • Scotch eggs
  • What’s goes through a fly’s mind on impact with your windscreen?
  • Its ass

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

10 silly jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

Silly JokesHere are some silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh.

There’s nothing smutty here, just genuinely good fun.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy a good laugh.

Silly jokes:

  • What do you call zombies in the belfry?
  • Dead ringers

 

  • What’s it called when you borrow money to buy a bison?
  • A buffaloan

 

  • What do you call a rotten hot dog?
  • A rankfurter

 

  • What do you call a hippy’s wife?
  • Mississippi

 

  • What do you call a ghost who only haunts the town hall?
  • The nightmayor

 

  • What do you call a dance for people who hate each other?
  • An avoidance

 

  • What do you call an American sketch drawing?
  • A Yankee doodle

 

  • What do you call a goat that’s a professional comedian?
  • Billy the Kid

 

  • What do you call an ancient Egyptian ruler with no teeth?
  • A gummy mummy

 

  • What do you call a blonde police officer?
  • A fair cop

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2020. All Rights Reserved.

15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes to brighten your day

Cosmo Kramer QuotesOne of the most memorable sitcom characters of all time has to be Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld, played by the excellent Michael Richards. So let’s take a look back at some of the best Cosmo Kramer quotes which made us all smile back in the day.

If you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Cosmo Kramer, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom on YouTube. They’re all brilliant and well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes which I hope will brighten your day.

Cosmo Kramer Quotes:

  1. Look away, I’m hideous.
  2. She’s got the Jimmy legs!
  3. Moles … freckles’ ugly cousin.
  4. Just make love to that wall pervert.
  5. You’re as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.
  6. Yeah, don’t worry, Jerry. We’re right on this guy like stink on a monkey.
  7. Because I’m like ice, buddy. When I don’t like you, you’ve got problems.
  8. Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak you sell the sizzle.
  9. There’s nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of a woman.
  10. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure, my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
  11. Now, what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
  12. Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious.
  13. I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
  14. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!
  15. Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humour. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard.

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3 humorous stories that’ll brighten your day a little

humorous stories1. Fly Southwest:

Little Johnny was looking out of the plane’s window enjoying the experience of his first flight.

Deep in thought he suddenly turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?

Well his mother was a little perturbed by this question and she struggled to think of an answer, so she said, “Johnny why don’t you ask the flight attendant?

Little Johnny was not a child lacking in confidence, so he walked down the aisle and politely said to the flight attendant, “Excuse me, mam, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?

The flight attendant had heard it all before of course but she smiled sweetly at Johnny and then asked, “Did your mom tell you to ask me that?

Little Johnny returned her smile and said, “Yes mam, she did.”

Well“, said the flight attendant, “you can tell your mom that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mom to explain that to you.

2. Voluntary donations:

Jim was driving home from the office one day when he found himself stuck in traffic because all the cars ahead of him had come to a complete standstill on the freeway. Nothing was moving at all.

Suddenly Jim noticed that there was a police officer walking down the line of traffic and approaching the car in front.

So Jim got out of his car and asked the police officer why there was a problem.

Sir I’m so sorry for the inconvenience but the city’s Mayor is sitting in the middle of the road ahead and he’s in a state of extreme agitation,” said the police officer.

He says he’s deep in debt and he’s threatening to douse his body with gasoline and then set fire to himself,” the police officer added.

So what are you doing?” asked Jim.

I’m going from car to car asking for donations,” the police officer responded.

And how much have you collected so far?” Jim inquired.

Well sir,” said the police officer, “we’ve only just started but drivers ahead have given us fifteen gallons so far and other drivers are still siphoning as we speak.

Humorous Stories3. Bubba’s tragic demise:

Sadly, Bubba was killed in suspicious circumstances in a terrible fire, suffering severe burns that left him completely unrecognizable.

In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob.

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”

Are you sure?” said the medical examiner.

Yes sir, I’m sure,” Jim-Bob responded, “but you can ask Joe-Bob if you like.

So Joe-Bob was brought into the mortuary and shown the body.

“Jeez,” said Joe-Bob, “he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?

Though puzzled to receive this request once again, the medical examiner dutifully obliged and rolled the body.

Joe-Bob paused momentarily and then said, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”

The medical examiner was mystified by this turn of events. So he asked, “How can you possibly tell that it isn’t Bubba just by rolling him over?

Well sir,” said Joe-Bob, “Bubba had two assholes.”

What do you mean, he had two assholes?” exclaimed the medical examiner.

Yes sir, everyone knew that around here,” said Joe-Bob.

How do you know?” the medical examiner asked.

To which Joe-Bob responded, “Because every time the three of us walked down Main Street together, you’d hear people say, ‘Here comes Bubba with two assholes’.

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