5 seriously funny jokes that’ll tickle you silly

If you’re searching for some seriously funny jokes, dear reader, then I’ve got five here just for you which I’m sure will make you laugh.

They all made me laugh, so I hope you enjoy them too.

Seriously funny jokes:

1. Bell ringer wanted:

Quasimodo placed an advertisement in the local newspaper for an assistant bell ringer.

Unfortunately, there was just one applicant for the job. What was even more unfortunate was that the man applying for the job had no arms.

Quasimodo looked him up and down and then asked quizzically, “How will you be able to do what will be required of you?

Let me show you,” said the man, who then proceeded to run at the bell and strike it with his head.

Well, that’s incredible!” exclaimed an astonished Quasimodo. “Could you show me that again?

Sure, I can,” said the man, and once again he ran at the bell but this time he missed and fell straight out of the bell tower to his death on the ground below.

A crowd gathered around the corpse lying on the ground. A police officer quickly appeared on the scene and asked, “Can anyone identify this poor man?

Quasimodo responded, “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.

2. Mrs Kelly’s parrot:

Father Malone was new to his Brooklyn parish, and he was visiting one of his parishioners, a little old lady.

Sitting in her living room with a cup of tea, he looked around and noticed she had a pet parrot, which had ribbons tied to each leg.

Father Malone looked for a moment and then he politely enquired, “Mrs Kelly, why does your parrot have ribbons tied to its legs?

Mrs Kelly smiled and said, “Well believe or not Father, if I pull the left ribbon he’ll sing ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’, and if I pull the right one he’ll sing, ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ for me.

Really? That’s impressive Mrs Kelly,” responded the priest. “And what happens if you pull both ribbons together?

I’ll fall off the bloody perch!” said the parrot.

3. Lesson learned:

Rick and Mike are two graduate students browsing the oldest part of their college library. They are looking through some musty old shelves in the Special Collection, in the hope they can find something meaningful that will add value to their dissertations.

As he’s browsing one shelf, Rick pulls out a particularly old-looking volume, and when he opens it, a genie pops out. “Thank you for freeing me from that book,” says the genie. “As a reward, I will grant you one wish. You can have either great wealth, great beauty, or great wisdom. What’s your preference?

Rick’s a PhD student, so he thinks wisdom will be his best choice.

I’ll have great wisdom, please,” says Rick.

It’s yours!” says the genie. With that, he snaps his fingers, and there’s a Poof! sound and the genie disappears in a flash.

Rick is left stunned with a look of wonder in his eyes.

Now, Mike has been watching this unfold and can’t quite believe what he’s seen. Breaking the silence between the two of them, Mike says, “So, go on buddy, share some wisdom with me!

Rick looks down at the book he’s holding, looks back up again, blinks and then says, sadly, “I should have taken great wealth.”

4. Know your own mind:

After his sermon on the challenges of dealing with a controlling personality, Father O’Malley said to the men in his congregation, “If you know that your wife is controlling you, step forward.

Every man in the congregation stepped forward except Bert.  

Father O’Malley smiled because at least he had one strong, confident man in his congregation.

Now, Bert,” Father O’Malley continued, “tell us why you were unwilling to step forward.

Bert quietly replied, “Because my wife said I would regret it if I did.”

5. The tap-dancing duck:

A circus owner walked into a bar in Wyoming where everyone inside was crowded around one table.

In the middle of this table was an upturned flower pot with a duck tap dancing on top of it.

Everyone was cheering at the duck’s antics and the circus owner, having a good nose for a crowd-pleaser, thought this was an attraction he should grab with both hands. So immediately he bought both the duck and the flower pot from the bar’s owner for $1,000.

He took the duck back to his circus and promoted his new attraction heavily. Well, it wasn’t long before people were coming from miles around eager to catch a glimpse of the tap-dancing duck.

Sadly there was a widespread disappointment because the duck simply refused to perform. It wouldn’t dance a single step.

Naturally, the circus owner was angry and he returned to the bar immediately with the duck to complain to the man who sold it to him, the bar’s owner.

This duck’s a fraud,” complained the circus owner, “He won’t dance a single step for me!

That’s very odd,” said the bar owner. “Did you remember to light the candle under the flower pot?

Ad - SiteGround Web Hosting - Crafted for easy site management. Amazing Speed; Powerful Tools; Top-rated support. Learn more.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these seriously funny jokes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so.

If they made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for being so supportive.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

27 cheesy dad jokes that will tickle you silly

If you’re looking for some cheesy dad jokes, then here are 27 little gems that might just tickle you.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all.

Cheesy Dad Jokes:


Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these cheesy dad jokes funny?

Did they make you smile?

If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Just click on the links below.

Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

5 of the best funny jokes you’ll read today

Looking for some of the best funny jokes to brighten your day? Then there are 5 little gems here that should make you smile.

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them.

Best funny jokes:

1. Career change:

Bill’s a gynaecologist by profession but he was getting bored with his job, so he decided that it was time for a career change.

In his spare time, Bill had always had a passion for fast cars, so getting involved with cars in some way seemed like a good thing to do.

After a few weeks of reflection, Bill decides to retrain as a car mechanic.

He takes a course at his local adult education college and studies very hard.

Eventually, it’s time for him to take the official examination to qualify as a car mechanic.

Now Bill needs to get a minimum score of 60% if he’s to pass the exam but he finishes with a score of 110%.

Well, the college principal is puzzled. How can anyone get 110%?

So, he calls in the examiner and asks, “How is it that this guy was given 110% in the exam? You think he’s something special just because he used to be a doctor?

Well sir,” said the examiner, “his theoretical test was perfect, and his practical test was exceptional. I asked him to tune the engine. He did it perfectly. I asked him to change the oil. Again, he did it perfectly. And then I asked him to change the spark plugs. Yet again, he did it perfectly.

So what?” says the principal. “He did everything right so that usually means 100%, surely? Why 110%?

He did everything through the exhaust pipe,” the examiner replied.

2. The new restaurant:

Jack and Barney were two elderly gentlemen sitting and talking in Jack’s living room.

Eventually, their conversation touches on the subject of food.

Hey,” says Jack, “last week we went out to a new restaurant and the food was fantastic. I would definitely recommend it.”

Really?” says Barney. “What’s the name of this restaurant?

Well, Jack had to give that some thought, as his memory wasn’t what it was.

After a few moments, Jack said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? The red one with thorns.”

You mean a rose?” said Barney.

Yeah, that’s the one,” Jack replied.

He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last week?

3. Memory problems:

Arthur, Chester, and Clarence are three elderly brothers who are 92, 94 and 96 respectively and still living together.

One night Clarence fills his bathtub with water, ready to take a bath. After a few moments, he puts his right foot in the tub and then pauses momentarily.

He then yells down to his brothers, “Was I getting in or out of the tub?

Chester yells back, immediately, “I don’t know, Clarence. Give me a moment and I’ll come upstairs and check it for you.”

With that Chester starts climbing the stairs.

After taking a few steps he pauses. He then yells, “Was I going up the stairs or down?

Arthur is sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and he can’t help smiling at his brothers’ memory problems.

He shakes his head and then says, “Jeez, I hope I never get as forgetful as you two.

With that Arthur knocks on the wooden table a couple of times for good luck.

He then pauses before he yells, “I’ll be up to help both of you in a minute, as soon as I see who’s at the door.

4. Spanish vacation:

Jane and Phil are a married couple who are taking a well-earned vacation in Spain.

After a day of sightseeing, they decide to go to a nice Spanish restaurant for dinner.

As they’re being seated at their table, they can’t help but notice that the couple on the next table are being served a dish with two of the largest meatballs they’ve ever seen.

When the waiter arrives to take their order, Phil asks, “The meatball dish the couple on the next table is having looks delicious, what is it?

The waiter smiles and then says, “Senor, the meatballs are the testicles from the bull killed in the bullfight this afternoon. This dish is a classic in Spain.

It looks great, says Phil. “We’ve decided we’re both going to try it.

Ah, senor,” the waiter responds, “for this dish we only have one serving each day, for obvious reasons. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we can hold them for you.”

Determined to try this classic Spanish dish, the couple arrive early the following day to place their order.

They sit at their table enjoying a glass of Sangria whilst they wait for their much-anticipated meatball dish.

Eventually, the dish arrives but the meatballs are disappointingly small.

Phil calls the waiter over and says, “What’s this? Yesterday’s testicles were enormous. Today they’re tiny in comparison.”

The waiter smiles politely and then says, “Senor, I’m so sorry but today the bull won.

5. Pay attention:

Best Funny Jokes

A college professor is starting the new academic year with the Veterinary Medicine 101 class.

The Professor welcomes the new class and then says, “In Veterinary Medicine there are two important qualities you’ll need as a Veterinarian. The first quality is that you must never be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.

The professor paused momentarily to allow the class time to reflect on his comment.

He then pulled back the sheet in front of him and stuck his finger into the butt of the dead cow that was under the sheet. After a moment he withdrew his finger and immediately stuck his finger into his mouth.

Now, go ahead,” said the professor to the students. “I want you to do what I’ve just done.”

Well, there was much hysteria in the class, and they all hesitated for several minutes before anyone was willing to have a go. However, eventually, they all took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and then sucking it. Naturally, this was followed by a lot of retching and spitting.

Once they’d all had the chance to complete this first task, the professor continued, “Now the second most important quality you’ll need as a Veterinarian is observation.”

Once again, he paused monetarily to allow the class time to reflect on his comment.

If you’d been watching me carefully,” the professor continued, “you’ll have noticed that it was my middle finger that I inserted into the cow. Whereas it was my index finger that I sucked. So, today’s lesson is this. You’ll need to learn to pay attention if you’re going to succeed as a vet.”

Please share the fun:

So, were any of these the best funny jokes you’ve read today, dear reader? I hope so.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

5 of the best jokes ever just for you

If you’re looking for some of the best jokes ever, then here are five which I think you might just enjoy. They all made me smile and they should tickle your funny bone too.

So take a few moments to have a laugh and please feel free to pass them on.

Best ever jokes:

1. A hard act to follow:

Rick walks out of his office in Manhattan one evening just as there’s a cab approaching. He hails the cab and, as he’s getting in, he says to the cab driver, “Now that’s perfect timing. Am I lucky or what?

The cab driver smiles and says, “You’re just like Bill Smith.”

Who’s Bill Smith?” asks Rick.

Oh, he’s just some guy who always managed to do everything perfectly,” the cab driver responds.

How do you mean?” asks Rick.

Well,” says the driver, “like your situation now. You’re in need of a cab and I’m right here for you when you need me. That would happen to Bill, every time.

Oh, come on,” says Rick. “No one’s life’s that perfect. There’ll always be a few clouds, surely?”

Not for Bill,” the cab driver responds. “He was a top athlete. He played golf with a handicap that any top pro would love to have. He played tennis better than John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg. He could sing opera better than Pavarotti and he could dance better than Fred Astaire. And he was a Grade A student with a photographic memory. He never ever forgot a birthday.

Really?” Rick responds.

Really!” says the cab driver. “He could fix any little problem around the house. He had encyclopaedic knowledge about wine and good food. And he was an entertaining raconteur and storyteller. The life and soul of any party. And to top it all, he was always in perfect shape. No, no one will ever match up to Bill Smith, that’s for sure.

Oh, come on,” says Rick. “no one’s that perfect. How do you know this guy, anyway?

Well, I never met him,” says the cab driver, “but I’m married to his widow.”

2. In search of the truth:

One day Joseph Stalin was feeling bored, so he starts thinking about what he can do to amuse himself.

After reflecting on his problem for a while, he decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst ordinary people to find out what they really think of him.

So, he organises a job for himself in a local factory on the outskirts of Moscow and he starts working there.

On his first day, he’s doing everything he can to fit in and when he gets the opportunity, he strikes up a conversation with one of his fellow workers.

As they seem to be getting along well, Stalin suggests that they eat their lunch together in the yard.

As they eat lunch, they make a little small talk for a while and then, when Stalin gets his chance, he asks his new friend, “What do you really think of Stalin?

Feeling a little paranoid, his friend starts looking around furtively before he responds in a whisper, “We can’t talk about that here, it really wouldn’t be safe.

Stalin gives him a knowing look in response and suggests they meet after work to discuss it further.

So, they meet up after work in the village where his new friend lives and when he gets the opportunity, once again, Stalin asks the question, “What do you really think of Stalin?

Well, the guy looks paranoid again and starts looking around him, nervously, to see who might be listening. Then in a whisper, with his finger to his mouth, he says, “Schhh! We can’t talk about that here. It’s much too dangerous. Someone might hear us.”

Stalin gives him a knowing look once again and then suggests that they go for a walk in the neighbouring countryside.

For the next hour they walk out into the hills surrounding the village and eventually they’re so far away, they can’t see another person anywhere.

At this point, Stalin says, “It looks like we’re safe to talk now. So, what do you really think of Stalin?

His new friend looks around furtively, then he leans in close to Stalin and whispers. “I kinda like him.”

3. The price of honesty:

Best Jokes Ever

There was a young kid called Jim who lived in the country.

Like country folk everywhere, when they needed to go, Jim’s family had to use an outhouse.

Young Jim did not find this a pleasant experience.

In the summer it was much too hot and, in the winter, it was too cold. And all year round, it was very smelly.

Now the outhouse was located on the bank of a creek and one day Jim realised that, with a little effort, it could be pushed into the creek.

He waited for his opportunity and one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and Jim decided that this was as good a day as any to push the outhouse into the creek.

With that, he found a long pole and started pushing. Finally, with one last shove, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night Jim’s dad was not happy, and he told him that, after supper, they were going to the woodshed.

Jim knew what this meant. He was in big trouble and punishment would follow.

Nevertheless, he asked his dad, “Why?

To which his dad responded, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, son, wasn’t it?

Yes dad, it was,” said Jim. He then thought momentarily before he said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree but didn’t get punished because he told the truth.”

Well, son,” said his dad, “George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in that cherry tree at the time, was he?

4. The Chinese Doctor:

Dr Chow Ming leaves Hong Kong for the United States in search of a better life.

He arrives in New York, but he can’t find a job.

However, Dr Ming is a resourceful and enterprising guy, so he opens his own clinic.

A few weeks after the clinic opens, a lawyer is walking by and he reads the sign in the window, which says: –

  • EVERY TREATMENT COST – $20
  • IF WE CAN’T CURE YOU – YOU GET $100 BACK

Well, this guy is a top Wall Street, corporate lawyer and he sees this as an opportunity to have some fun and make a little pocket money.

The lawyer walks into the clinic to be greeted warmly by Dr Ming, who says, “Good morning. What seems to be problem?

Well,” says the lawyer, “I’ve lost my sense of taste.”

Nurse!” says Dr Ming. “Bring medicine from Drawer Number 8 and put three drops on his tongue.

The nurse dutifully does as she’s asked.

Open your mouth wide, please sir,” says the nurse to the lawyer.”

With that, she puts the drops of medicine on his tongue, and the lawyer immediately starts coughing and sputtering.

That’s not medicine!” exclaims the lawyer. “It’s kerosene!

Excellent!” says Dr Ming. “Your taste is restored. That will be $20, please.”

The lawyer’s not happy but he has little choice but to pay the $20 and then leave.

Nevertheless, he’s determined to get the $100, so after a few days he returns, and Dr Ming recognises him immediately.

Back again, so soon?” says Dr Ming.

I’m sorry, have we met before?” asks the lawyer. “You see, I’ve lost my memory.

Nurse,” says Dr Ming, “please bring medicine from Drawer Number 8 and put three drops on his tongue.”

The nurse dutifully does as she’s asked.

Open your mouth wide, please sir,” says the nurse to the lawyer.”

With that, she puts the drops of medicine on his tongue, and the lawyer immediately starts coughing and sputtering.

More kerosene!” says the lawyer. “You gave me that last time for restoring my taste.

Excellent!” says Dr Ming. “Your memory is restored. That will be $20, please.”

The lawyer’s not happy but he has little choice but to pay the $20 and then leave.

However, he’s more determined than ever to get one over on Dr Ming.

One week later he returns to the clinic and again Dr Ming recognises him.

My eyesight has become so weak, I’m virtually blind,” says the lawyer.

Unfortunately, I have no medicine for that,” says Dr Ming, “so I must give you $100.

With that, Dr Ming hands the lawyer a $20 bill.

The lawyer looks at what he’s been given and then says, “But this is only $20, not $100!

Excellent!” says Dr Ming. “Your eyesight is restored. That will be $20, please.”

5. The problem with ducks:

Best Jokes Ever

Ethel, Mabel, and Agnes were three old ladies who’d sadly passed away and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

St Peter’s scanning an iPad momentarily, looking to see whether these three old ladies are on his list for admittance to Heaven.

Eventually, he says, “Ladies, welcome to Heaven. There’s just one rule you must all follow and that is, you must never step on a duck.”

Well, as Ethel, Mabel and Agnes walk through the Pearly Gates, they soon realise that there are ducks literally everywhere. There are millions of them.

Naturally, the old ladies do their very best to avoid stepping on any of the ducks, but they find it very difficult.

Ethel only manages one hour before she steps on a duck.

Within seconds St. Peter appears with the ugliest, most hideous-looking man she’d ever seen.

Ethel,” says St Peter, “the penalty for stepping on a duck is for you to be chained to this wretch, face to face, for eternity.”

With that, St Peter disappeared and Ethel is stuck with her ugly companion for eternity.

Now Mabel manages a whole afternoon before she too stepped on a duck.

Once again, St Peter suddenly appears with the ugliest, most hideous-looking man she’d ever seen.

Mabel,” says St Peter, “the penalty for stepping on a duck is for you to be chained to this wretch, face to face, for eternity.”

With that, St Peter disappears and Mabel is stuck with her ugly companion for eternity.

Now, Agnes got through the whole of her first day in Heaven without stepping on a duck but the following morning she wasn’t quite so fortunate.

St Peter suddenly appears with the best-looking guy that Agnes had ever seen.

Agnes,” says St Peter, “the penalty for someone like you stepping on a duck is for you to be chained to this man, face to face, for eternity.”

Wow!” said Agnes looking dreamily into the guy’s eyes, “What did we do to deserve this?

Lady, I don’t know what you did,” the guy responds, “but all I did was step one of those ducks!

Please share the fun:

So, were any of these jokes worthy contenders for the best jokes ever, dear reader? I hope so.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

15 Quotes by Bob Newhart reflecting his personal philosophy

Quotes by Bob Newhart
Photo by Alan Light

There are many fine comedians in this world, and many of the finest are American, in my opinion. And for me, one of the funniest American comedians of all time is Bob Newhart. He’s certainly made me laugh out loud, many times.

Many years ago, I was fortunate enough to stumble upon his audio recording of the Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart, and from that moment on, I was hooked.

This album was one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

Imagine my situation, I was sitting in my car, waiting for the traffic lights to turn green. Suddenly on my car radio, they play the Tobacco sketch from that album. It was so funny that it had me laughing so much that people around me were starting to stare at me as if I’d gone mad. It was that funny. If you click the link above, you can listen to it.

And if you’re unfamiliar with Bob Newhart’s work, then I recommend you check him out. And a good place to start would be the Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart. It’s still available on Amazon HERE.

However, before you check it out, here are 15 quotes by Bob Newhart, some of which reflect his humour, some reflect his sense of the absurd, and some are just thought-provoking.

Quotes by Bob Newhart:

  1. The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour. ~Bob Newhart
  2. Don’t be silly and don’t waste your time. ~Bob Newhart
  3. Don’t live in the past. There’s no point. You can’t change anything. What a waste of time. ~Bob Newhart
  4. I don’t like country music but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down. ~Bob Newhart
  5. People are meant to be in certain places, and I think I’m meant to be on a sound stage doing situation comedy. ~Bob Newhart
  6. The best advice I was probably given and the best advice I could give someone who is trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills. ~Bob Newhart
  7. Comedians are innately programmed to pick up oddities like mispronounced words, upside-down books on a shelf, and generally undetectable mistakes in everyday life. ~Bob Newhart
  8. I don’t know how doctors pick one speciality over another. Some you can understand. Paediatricians or gynaecologists delivering babies, bringing a new life into the world, but how does someone want to be a proctologist? How can you fall in love with proctology? ~Bob Newhart
  9. With the advent of cell phones, especially with the very small microphone that attaches to the cell phone itself, it’s getting harder and harder I find, to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. ~Bob Newhart
  10. I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage. ~Bob Newhart
  11. All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world. ~Bob Newhart
  12. Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. ~Bob Newhart
  13. Probably the best advice I ever got in my life was from the head of the accounting department, Mr Hutchinson, at the Glidden Company in Chicago, and he told me, ‘You really aren’t cut out for accounting.’ ~Bob Newhart
  14. I just made the decision that I was going to try comedy, and if didn’t work, then I knew it didn’t work. Then I would go back and do whatever. But at least I wouldn’t torture myself the rest of my life, wondering whatever would have happened. ~Bob Newhart
  15. All I can say about life is, ‘Oh God, enjoy it!’ ~Bob Newhart

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Bob Newhart interesting and thought-provoking?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case, then please share them with your friends, because when you share, everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me, then it will be truly appreciated.

Thank you.

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

39 attitude quotes that take sarcasm to another level

Attitude Quotes

If you like attitude quotes, clever put-downs, and sarcasm, then you should enjoy this collection today.

39 sarcastic remarks to add to your quiver full of arrows. These are ammunition for use on another day when someone tries to have a go at you and needs reminding that you’re a person with whom they should not mess if they know what’s good for them.

Hopefully one or two of these might just give you a good laugh too. Enjoy them all.

Attitude quotes:

  1. I get it. Life’s a soup, and I’m a fork.
  2. If your phone doesn’t ring, it’ll be me.
  3. If I were a bird, I know who I’d shit on.
  4. Just be yourself isn’t always good advice.
  5. What doesn’t kill you can only disappoint me.
  6. The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.
  7. You look like something I drew with my left hand.
  8. If you’re the voice of reason, then we’re in trouble.
  9. If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
  10. Hey, I found your nose again. It was in my business.
  11. If only you ran like your mouth. You’d be in great shape.
  12. You’re such a treasure, why hasn’t someone buried you?
  13. You know, you have one really annoying habit. Breathing.
  14. If I was meant to be controlled, I’d have come with a remote.
  15. I have plenty of terrible ideas. Just let me know if you need any.
  16. I wasn’t being rude. I just said what everyone else was thinking.
  17. May your earholes turn into assholes and shit on your shoulders.
  18. Oh, darling, you should really go out and buy yourself a personality.
  19. I try to see the best in everyone but you’re making it really difficult.
  20. You think you know it all but clearly, you don’t know when to shut up.
  21. I’m really sorry if my sense of humour offended your total lack of one.
  22. WIFE to HUSBAND: Sure, I make terrible choices. One of them was you.
  23. I encouraged my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.
  24. I’m not one for revenge but I might arrange for you to have an accident.
  25. Putting on your makeup every day must be hard, with you having two faces.
  26. They call it a selfie because narcissist is too hard for most people to spell.
  27. I can’t help but wonder why someone hasn’t hit you in the face with a shovel yet.
  28. When you spun the wheel of attitude this morning, clearly it landed on bitch again.
  29. I’d love to help you, but I don’t even play an active role in my own life anymore.
  30. Roses are red; violets are blue; I’ve got five fingers; the middle one’s for you.
  31. Do I think you’re pretentious? You’d eat worms in a deli if they came with a French name.
  32. There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you would have to be a psychiatrist.
  33. Apart from being physically exhausted, financially challenged, overweight, and mentally unstable, everything’s going really well. Thanks.
  34. It’s not for me to question your father’s sperm count, but, seriously, were you actually the sperm that won?
  35. If I’m smiling, I’m contemplating doing something really bad. If I’m laughing, I’ve already done it.
  36. I don’t have an attitude problem. You may have a problem with my attitude, but that’s not a problem for me.
  37. There are trees out there tirelessly producing oxygen, so you can breathe. I think you owe them an apology.
  38. When I was a child, my father told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. It seems, nowadays they call that identity theft.
  39. Let me stop you right there. If it involves early mornings, sweating, or dealing with people, then the answer’s No!

Attitude QuotesPlease share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these attitude quotes made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes to brighten your day

Cosmo Kramer quotes
Photo by Alan Light

One of the most memorable sitcom characters of all time has to be Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld, played by the excellent Michael Richards. So let’s take a look back at some of the best Cosmo Kramer quotes that made us all smile back in the day.

If you’re not old enough to remember the sitcom Seinfeld and Cosmo Kramer, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom on YouTube. They’re all brilliant and well worth a little bit of your time.

So check them out but not before you’ve enjoyed these 15 memorable Cosmo Kramer quotes, which I hope will brighten your day.

Cosmo Kramer Quotes:

  1. Look away, I’m hideous.
  2. She’s got the Jimmy legs!
  3. Moles … freckles’ ugly cousin.
  4. Just make love to that wall pervert.
  5. You’re as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.
  6. Yeah, don’t worry, Jerry. We’re right on this guy like stink on a monkey.
  7. Because I’m like ice, buddy. When I don’t like you, you’ve got problems.
  8. Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak; you sell the sizzle.
  9. There’s nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of a woman.
  10. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure, my twinkle! Everything I have, I owe to this face.
  11. Now, what does the little man inside you say? See, you gotta listen to the little man.
  12. Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious.
  13. I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
  14. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!
  15. Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humour. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find any of these Cosmo Kramer quotes memorable and amusing, dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

4 Contenders for Dad’s Joke of the Day to tickle you

Dad's Joke of the Day

If you’re looking for some contenders for Dad’s joke of the day, then I’ve got four gems here for you today, dear reader.

They all amused me, and I’m confident that, at least, one or two of them will tickle you too.

So, take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

And feel free to pass them on.

Dad’s Joke of the Day:

1. The Shipwreck:

Ten people are desperately hanging on to a rope under a helicopter being lifted away from the wreckage of a ship in stormy seas.

There are nine men and just one woman.

As they cling on for their lives, they begin to realise that the rope is simply not strong enough to bear the weight of ten people.

Naturally, they decide they must do something.

After talking amongst themselves, they decide that one of them must sacrifice themselves for the greater good, otherwise, they’ll all die.

An argument then began as to who that person should be.

After a few moments of heated debate, the woman gave a very touching speech.

I’m a woman,” she said, “and sacrifice is part of every woman’s life. We give everything for our families and in support of men everywhere. For the greater good, I will make this one last sacrifice.”

Well, the nine men were so impressed with her speech that they all began clapping.

While the woman was airlifted to safety alone.

Moral of the Story: You underestimate a woman at your peril.

2. The New Teacher:

Rick was a former sergeant in the US Marine Corps when he accepted a job as a teacher in a tough inner-city high school.

However, just before the school year began, Rick injured his back, and he needed to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt, so it wasn’t noticeable.

Having been a Marine, Rick found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school.

These kids were smart punks and determined to put their new teacher to the test.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, Rick opened the window wide and then sat down at his desk.

At that moment, a strong breeze blew his tie over his shoulder.

Unfazed, Rick just picked up the stapler from his desk and stapled his tie to his chest to stop it from being blown around again.

Suddenly, there was a dead silence. You could hear a pin drop as these kids sat open-mouthed, struggling to comprehend what they’d just observed.

The rest of the year went by without any problems for Rick.

Moral of the Story: You don’t mess with an old US Marine.

3. The Dress:

Alison’s wedding day is fast approaching, and nothing’s going to dampen her excitement, not even her parents’ divorce.

Alison’s mother has found the perfect dress to wear, and everyone is convinced that she’ll be the best-dressed bride’s mother ever.

All is going smoothly until Alison suddenly learns that her father’s new young wife has bought the same dress as her mother.

So, Alison asks her father’s new wife to exchange it, but she refuses.

Definitely not!” says her father’s wife. “In this dress, I’ll look a million dollars, so I’m wearing it.”

Alison tells her mother the story and is surprised when her mother responds graciously, “Never mind, dear, I’ll just get another dress. After all, it is your special day.

A few days later, they go shopping, and they find another beautiful dress.

This one is even better than the first one. It makes her mother look stunning.

When they’re having lunch, Alison says to her mother, “Mom, aren’t you going to return the other dress? You don’t have another occasion when you’ll wear it.

Alison’s mother smiled and said, “Of course, I will, dear. I’ll be wearing it for the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding.”

Moral of the Story: If you think you can get one over on an older woman, think again.

4. The Job Advert:

Jim is unemployed and desperately searching for a job when he sees an advertisement in his local newspaper that says, “PHOTOGRAPHER WANTED: For photographing models for a Miami-based luxury women’s swimwear company.”

Now Jim’s handy with a camera and thinks this could be the perfect job for him.

However, on reflection, he thinks that perhaps it could all be just a practical joke.

So, he calls the number included in the advertisement.

Oh, hi!” says Jim when his call is answered. “The advertisement in my local newspaper suggests you need a photographer. Is this true, or is it just a practical joke?

No, it’s genuine,” says the guy at the other end of the line. “One of our photographers resigned after an argument with the boss last week, so we now need a new one.

That’s great,” says Jim. “I’m looking for a job, and I’m good with a camera. And I can start immediately.

OK. Well, I need to ask you a few questions,” says the guy. “Are you married? Our models tend to feel uncomfortable if they have pictures taken by married men.

Well, that’s understandable,” Jim responds, “but I’m single, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

Excellent!” says the guy. “Now, are you able to control yourself around attractive young women? Some of our models are stunningly beautiful.”

I have the greatest respect for women,” says Jim, “so I’m more than capable of keeping everything at a professional level.”

Brilliant!” says the guy. “Now, our photoshoots are often based on sandy beaches in exotic locations, so, do you have a passport?

Yes,” says Jim, “I do have a current passport.”

Right,” says the guy, “it sounds like you’re suitably qualified for the job.  How quickly can you get to Seattle?

Seattle?” Jim says, somewhat surprised. “The advertisement said the job’s based in Miami!

It is,” says the guy, “but Seattle is where the back of the line of applicants is right now.

Moral of the Story: A dream job will attract a lot of applicants.

Please share the fun:

So, were any of these jokes worthy contenders for Dad’s Joke of the Day, dear reader? I hope so.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

9 hilariously funny jokes that’ll tickle you silly

hilariously funny jokes

If you’re looking for some hilariously funny jokes, dear reader, then I have nine gems today that will tickle you silly. I’m confident they’ll brighten your day.

So take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them all.

Hilariously funny jokes:

1. National identity:

A Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a foreign war.

Their situation was quite desperate when the leader of their captors suddenly announces, “As enemies of our people, you’ll all be shot by firing squad. You’ll each be shot in turn. However we’re civilised people, so first you’ll each be allowed a final request.

The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to hear ‘Flower of Scotland’ played by the Band of the Scots Guards, to remind me of happy days in bonny Scotland.” He then shouts, “Scotland forever!

The Welshman says, “Well I’d like to hear ‘Men of Harlech’ sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir to remind me of the green, green grass of home and those happy times when I lived in the Valleys.” He then shouts, “God bless the Land of my Fathers!

The Irishman, not to be outdone, says, “For me, I want to hear ‘Danny Boy’ just one more time to remind me of the auld country. I want it sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell.” Then, taking his lead from his Celtic cousins he shouts, “Éirinn go Brách.

The leader of their captors then looks at the Englishman who’s remained silent up to this point. “So Englishman, what’s your request?” he says.

The Englishman responds, “I’d like to be shot first.

2. Nun outside a Dublin bar:

A guy is walking into a Dublin bar and standing right outside the door is a nun.

Top of the morning to you sister!” says the guy with a smile.

The nun looks at him sternly and says, “Before you enter this den of iniquity, please think about your mother and your father.

But sister, my poor mother and father have long since passed away, sadly. They’re with the angels now” the guy responds.

Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain,” says the nun.

Sister, what are you talking about? Have you ever had a drink?” asks the guy.

No! Certainly not!” says the nun.

Then in the name of God sister, how can you say it damages the brain if you’ve never actually had a drink?” asks the guy.

The guy thinks for a minute and then he says, “Listen, sister, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go in and get you a drink, you can try it and if you don’t like it then you can talk about it. But you can’t talk about something you’ve never even experienced.

The nun says, “Aye, alright, I’ll try a drink.

The guy then says, “So, what’ll you have then?

I don’t know”, says the nun “What do ladies generally drink?

The guy says, “All the ones I know like a glass of gin.

The nun smiles and says, “Alright, I’ll have a gin but get it in a cup so no one will notice.”

So the guy goes into the bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a pint of Guinness please bartender and a large gin. But can you put the gin in a cup?

The barman smiles at him and says, “Jeez, is that feckin’ nun hanging around outside again.

3. Life in Hell:

hilariously funny jokes

John did his best to lead a good and honest life but sadly, upon his passing, he’s allocated a place in Hell.

John arrives at the gates of Hell, a little disappointed and he’s looking fairly despondent when another man walks up to him and says, “Hello I’m Jim, you’re looking a little glum.

To which John replies, “Well, I thought I’d be enjoying a place in heaven right now but nothing ever works out like you think it will, does it?

Seeing John’s not very happy, Jim tries to cheer him up. “Listen, buddy, Hell isn’t so bad really.

John says, “Really?

Yeah, really”, says Jim. “Hey, do you like beer?

Yes I love beer”, John responds.

Then you’ll love Fridays here in Hell. Every Friday is beer day. We drink gallons and gallons of beer all day long. There’s no limit, you can drink as much as you like”, says Jim.

Doesn’t that make you sick and give you a terrible hangover?” asks John

No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Hey, do you like drugs?

Well, I did smoke a little Mary Jane in my College days”, says John.

Then you’ll love Saturdays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Saturday we smoke marijuana all day long. We smoke doobies as big as submarines. It’s fantastic.

Doesn’t that make you sick?” asks John

No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Do you like food?

Sure, who doesn’t like food? I love food,” says John.

Then you’re going to love Sundays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Sunday they roast Ox; a whole one for each of us. We stuff ourselves with roast Ox and all the trimmings all day long. In Hell, we do everything to excess and doing everything to excess is mandatory here. We’re dead, so no worries.

Wow!” says John. “Hell actually sounds like a really cool place.

It does, doesn’t it?” Jim responds.

Hey, are you Gay?” Jim then asks.

No”, says John “I love sleeping with women.

Jim frowns and says, “Hmm, in that case, you’ll hate Mondays.

4. Unrealistic expectations:

A recent engineering graduate is having an interview for his first job with a big technology company.

The young graduate is fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and he’s clearly very impressed with himself.

As the interview is nearing an end the Human Resources officer asks him, “So John, what are your expectations in terms of a starting salary?

The young graduate replies, “Well I’d be looking for something in the region of $125,000 a year. However, the exact figure I’d accept would depend on the benefits package.

His interviewer smiles and says, “Well John, what would you say to 5 weeks annual vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental cover, the company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, plus a company car, say a Ford Mustang GT?

The young graduate engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?

The HR officer replies, “Yes of course I am John, but you started it.

5. Bus full of ugly people:

A bus full of ugly people is involved in a head-on collision with a truck and all the passengers are killed.

They all arrive in heaven and, feeling sorry for them, God decides they can each have one wish.

A woman is the first person and she says, “I want to be gorgeous.

So God snaps his fingers and suddenly she is stunningly attractive.

A man is next and he makes a similar request. “I want to be handsome,” he says.

This goes on with each passenger in turn essentially making the same request. They all want to be irresistibly good-looking.

With a number of passengers yet to express their wishes, God notices that the last man in the line who has also yet to make a request is laughing hysterically.

By the time God gets to the last few people, the last man in the line is laughing uncontrollably and he’s rolling around on the ground.

When it comes to his turn the man laughs some more and then says, “I wish they’re all ugly again.

Moral of the story: In any group, there’s always one person hell-bent on making life difficult for everyone else.

6. A child’s view:

One evening, young Grace was sitting next to her grandfather as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time, Grace would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch her grandfather’s wrinkled face.

Fascinated by the lines on his face, she touched his cheek and then she touched her own, comparing how they felt so different.

After some thought, Grace asked, “Grandpa, did God make you?

He looked at her, smiled and said, “Yes, sweetheart, God made me a very long time ago.

Grace paused momentarily and then asked, “Did God make me too?

Her grandfather smiled and then responded, “Yes, munchkin, God made you too, but not so very long ago.

Grace touched his face once again and then she whispered, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?

7. The warrior and the old man:

A fleeing warrior is lost in the desert and he’s in desperate need of water.

Suddenly he sees what he thinks is a bar far off in the distance.

Hoping he might find water there, he hurries towards the bar only to find a little old man selling ties.

The warrior asks, “Do you have any water?

The old replies, “No I don’t have any water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.

The warrior is irritated by his response and says, “No! I don’t need an overpriced tie right now. I need water! Do you realize I’m armed? I could kill you. However, I must find water first.

Alright,” says the old man, “It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you don’t like me. I will show you that I’m the bigger person. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant, owned by my brother. It will have all the ice-cold water you need. God be with you“.

Muttering, the warrior staggers off over the hill.

Several hours later he staggers back, almost dead.

Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.

8. The magic trick:

Two broke and hungry friends, Bill and George walk into a pastry shop in Manhattan.

As the baker’s back is turned, Bill grabs three cookies quickly and stuffs them in his trouser pocket with lightning speed.

The baker’s back is still turned, so he doesn’t notice.

Bill smiles at George, winks his eye and says, “Did you see that? Did you see how clever I was there? You’ll never beat that will you?

Really? Do you think so? Watch this.” George replies.

He then says to the baker, “If you’ll give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick. And I promise you, you’ll be impressed.

So the baker hands him a cookie which George then eats.

Then George says to the baker: “I’ll need another cookie from you for my magic trick to work.

The baker is a bit suspicious but he gives George another cookie. Once again he eats the cookie.

Then George says, “I’m really sorry but I’ll need one more cookie if this trick is to work.

The baker is really not amused by now and he says, “Is this some kind of joke?

George assures him the trick is genuine and all will be revealed after the next Cookie. So the baker gives him another cookie which George promptly eats, once again.

The baker is starting to get mad and he yells, “So where’s the magic?

George points at Bill and then says: “You’ll find three cookies in this guy’s pocket. That’s magic!

9. A woman golfing:

A woman is out golfing. Playing off the first tee, she’s not quite got her swing right and she slices the ball on her first attempt and watches it disappear deep into the woods.

Not a great start she thinks. So she trudges off looking for her ball.

As she’s scratching around in the woods she can’t find her ball but she does find a frog stuck in a trap.

The frog is relieved to have finally been discovered, having been stuck there for quite some time. So the frog says to the woman, “Lady if you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.

Now, who wouldn’t want three wishes? So the woman immediately frees the frog.

The frog is grateful but then says, “Lady, thank you. I appreciate your help. However, I failed to mention that there will be a condition to your wishes.

A little puzzled, the woman asks, “And what’s that?

Well,” says the frog, “Whatever you wish for, your husband will also receive but multiplied by a factor of ten!

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s fine.

Then for her first wish, she says, “I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog smiles but warns her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world? He will be an Adonis and no woman will be able to resist his charms.

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s alright, because I will be the most beautiful woman in the world, so he will only have eyes for me.

With that there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is immediately transformed into the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog then says, “And for your second wish? What would you like?

For her second wish, the woman says, “I want to be the richest woman in the world.

Once again the frog feels compelled to issue a warning. “Lady, this will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman says, “That’s fine. We’re married, so what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.

Once again there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is suddenly the richest woman in the world.

The frog then says, “Right, it’s now time for your final wish. What will it be?

The woman replies, “I’d like a mild heart attack.

Moral of the story: Women are clever. So don’t mess with them.

Attention Ladies: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.

Male Readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

NOTE: And ladies if you’re still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen to men.

Please share the fun:

I hope you found these hilariously funny jokes amusing dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these hilariously funny jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

17 jokes that will make you laugh out loud

Laugh out loud jokes

We all need more opportunities to laugh out loud, so I’ve gathered some more jokes by trawling the Internet just for you dear reader.

I cannot be sure who wrote them originally but I’d be happy to credit the authors if anyone can identify them.

In the meantime, here are today’s 17 jokes that will make you laugh out loud. Indeed, they made me smile.

Laugh-out-loud (1-7):

  • What do you call someone wearing a belt with a watch attached to it?
  • A waist of time.
  • Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg?
  • He’s all right now.
  • Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
  • Because he had a great fall.
  • How can you get four suits for a dollar?
  • Buy a deck of cards.
  • Why didn’t the melons get married?
  • Because they cantaloupe.
  • What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
  • Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!
  • What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
  • Snowballs.

Laugh-out-loud (8-17):

  • What did the bartender say to the drunk who walked into the bar with jumper cables around his neck?
  • You can stay but don’t try to start anything.
  • What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
  • One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
  • Thieves stole a truck full of Viagra today.
  • The police are on the lookout for two hardened criminals.
  • I always sleep better naked.
  • Why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
  • A police officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.
  • He seemed irritated when I said kindergarten.
  • What do you call a caveman with wind?
  • A blast from the past.
  • The waitress asked, “You wanna box for those leftovers?”
  • I said, “No, but I’ll arm wrestle you for them.” 
  • Thousands of eggs have been stolen from a local farm.
  • Police believe poachers are to blame.
  • I’ve taken up a new sport. It’s called silent tennis.
  • It is just like regular tennis, but without the racket.
  • I’m writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
  • It’s an oughtobiography.

Laugh out loud jokesPlease share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.