7 best dad jokes that’ll tickle you silly

Are you looking for some of the best dad jokes, dear reader?

Well, take a look at these seven on offer today. Certainly, they’re all ‘full groan”.

I hope they make you smile.

Please feel free to share them.

Best dad jokes:

1. The shopping trip:

Wilma was an 80-year-old lady out shopping with her long-suffering, elderly husband Jack.

In the challenging economic times in which they now live, Wilma and Jack were finding that their budget was a bit tight.

So, in desperation, Wilma resorts to shoplifting.

Unfortunately for her, she gets caught in the act, and she finds herself standing in front of a judge.

Mam, could you tell me exactly what it was you stole?” asked the judge.

Yes, your honour,” Wilma responded. “I stole a can of peaches.”

And how many peaches were in the can?” the judge continued.

Your honour, I believe it was six,” said Wilma.

Then I’ll sentence you to six days in jail,” said the judge.

Before the judge could utter another word, Jack quickly interjected and said, “Your honour, you should also be aware that she stole a family-sized can of peas too.

2. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny lived in Quebec with his parents.

Johnny loved to hear his parents talk about family traditions and in particular the exploits of his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather when they were all young men.

Johnny’s favourite story was the one about each of them walking on water on their 18th birthday.

Eventually around comes Johnny’s 18th birthday and he’s determined to emulate what his father, grandfather and great-grandfather were able to achieve and that was walking across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So, on his birthday, Johnny sets off for that bar with his friend Jim.

Johnny steps on the water first and quickly finds himself submerged and struggling to swim back to the bank, where he’s helped by Jim.

Johnny’s not happy and, when he gets home, he challenges his mother about the truth of all those family stories.

It’s my 18th birthday, ma,” said Johnny, “if those stories were true, how come I couldn’t walk on water?

Johnny,” his mother responded. “it’s August! Your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were all born in January when the lake is frozen.”

Michael Rubinstein is a wealthy Manhattan art dealer.

Late one afternoon he gets a phone call from his attorney, Jack Greenbaum.

Hey, Michael,” says Jack, “I have some good news and I have some bad news for you.”

Oh, Jack, I’m having a lousy day,” Michael responds, “cheer me up with some good news first.”

Well,” says Jack, “I met with your wife earlier and she informs me that she’s invested $5,000 in two pictures that she believes will bring her 20 million dollars. And I think she’s right.”

Wow,” says Michael, “it seems my wife’s got a good head for business. So, what’s the bad news?

The pictures are of you in an Acapulco hotel room with your secretary,” says Jack, “when you told your wife you were in Europe on business.”

Pete and Zak were racing down the highway on Pete’s motorcycle.

Now Pete was wearing a leather jacket, but the zip was broken, so the jacket was open. Eventually Pete pulled over and said to Zak, “Listen, Buddy, with my jacket open, the cold weather is really starting to get to me. It’s freezing.”

Zak suggested he put his jacket on back to front so his chest would be covered.

Pete did as suggested, and the two of them then got back on the bike and off they went at high speed.

A couple of miles down the road, Pete took a bend at high speed, misjudged the manoeuvre, and crashed into a tree.

A farmer, who’d been working in the field nearby was the first on the scene.

Very soon after a Highway Patrolman arrived.

The cop says to the farmer, “Any signs of life?

Well,” said the farmer, “the guy riding the bike was moaning, until I twisted his head to try and get it round the right way.”

A group of husbands are all waiting outside the maternity ward whilst their wives are all in labour.

Eventually the ward sister comes out and says to the first guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

Now, that’s ironic,” says the guy, “because I work for Minnesota Twins.”

The ward sister then says to the second guy, “I got some news for you too. You’re the father of triplets. Congratulations!”

Now, that’s incredible,” says the guy, “because I work for the 3M company.”

The ward sister smiles at the third guy and then says, “Believe it or not, you’re now the father of quadruplets. Congratulations!

Well, ain’t that a coincidence,” says the guy, “because I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.”

At this point, the fourth guy passes out on the floor.

The ward sister and her colleagues rush to his aid and get him back on his feet. “Are you alright?” says the ward sister.

I’m afraid of the news you’re about to tell me,” says the guy, “I work for 7Up!

Jim was learning Spanish, and he went off to Mexico for some deep immersion in using the language.

However, he decided it might be useful to hire a Mexican guide to help him with conversation.

As they are walking through Tijuana, Jim notices an enormous fly and he says to his guide, “Jose, mira! El mosca.”

Jose smiles benevolently and says, “No, Senor, la mosca. Es feminina.”

Really?” says Jim. “You can actually see that from here?

7. Magic glasses:

Bill is browsing in a joke shop looking for a novelty gift when the shop owner says to him, “If you’re looking for something unusual, I’ve got just the thing.

And what’s that?” asks Bill.

Magic glasses,” said the owner. “They cost $500 but, believe me, they’re worth every cent.”

The owner then hands Bill a pair of these glasses and he tries them on.

Well, he can’t believe what he’s seeing. The owner now appears completely naked.

Bill removes the glasses to check and sure enough, without them the owner is fully clothed. He puts them on again and he sees the owner naked once more.

They’re amazing,” said Bill. “I’ll take them.”

Bill leaves the shop wearing the glasses and then walks down Main Street.

Everyone he passes appears completely naked.

Bill is so pleased with his purchase that he decides to surprise his wife at home before returning to the office.

Bill’s still wearing the glasses when he walks into their living room.

Sitting on the sofa, he sees both his wife and his neighbour both completely naked.

They both recoil in horror on suddenly seeing Bill.

Bill then takes off the glasses only for them both to still appear naked.

Well, I’ll be damned!” said Bill. “I’ve had them for less than half an hour and they’re already faulty.”

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So dear reader, were any of these the best dad jokes? Was this post worth a little piece of your time? I do hope so.

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5 story jokes that are actually funny

JOKES THAT ARE ACTUALLY FUNNYIf you’re looking for some jokes that are actually funny, then take a look at these five little gems I have on offer for you today.

They all made me laugh and I’m confident that they’ll raise a smile with you too.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them.

Jokes that are actually funny:

1. Resourceful assistant:

Maude had recently been widowed and she visits the mortuary to pay her respects to her late husband, Bert’s body.

The mortuary assistant leads her into the Chapel of Rest where the late Bert’s body is lying-in-state.

On seeing Bert, Maude cannot stop herself from sobbing, with tears pouring down her face.

The mortuary assistant attempts to comfort her, putting his arm around her and saying, “Mam, I’m so sorry for your loss, but at least he’s at peace now.”

Maude struggles to regain her composure.

After a few moments, she says, “It’s not losing him that’s upset me, I just can’t bear seeing him wearing a suit.”

The mortuary assistant apologises before saying, “When men pass away, we always bury them in a suit.

But Bert was a clown, and he spent his life making others laugh,” said Maude. “His dying wish was to be buried in a clown costume.

Oh, I see,” said the mortuary assistant. “Well, let me see what I can arrange for you. Leave it with me.

On the morning of the funeral, Maude returns to the mortuary to spend a few, precious seconds with Bert and to say goodbye.

The mortuary assistant opens the casket for her, and as he does so, Maude smiles when she sees that Bert is now dressed in the costume he loved.

Oh, thank you,” said Maude. “But where did you find a clown costume at such short notice?

It was serendipity really,” said the mortuary assistant, with a smile. “Just the day before yesterday, another clown died following a tragic accident whilst he was performing at the circus.

Really?” said Maude.

Yes,” said the mortuary assistant. “And, as luck would have it, his family wanted him to be buried in a suit.

I don’t quite follow,” said Maude, a little confused.

Well, it was simple,” said the mortuary assistant. “All I had to do was swap their heads around.

2. Alligator fight:

Jeff had made his fortune as a hedge fund manager on Wall Street, but he’d had enough of the pressure, so he decided it was time to retire to Florida for the sunshine and a more relaxed lifestyle.

He bought himself a fabulous villa in the Everglades, and naturally, he was now keen to get to know his neighbours,

So, he decides to throw a big poolside party at his villa, and he invites everyone in the street, including a local politician named Joe Garcia.

Well, the party is going well and everyone’s having a great time. The food’s good, the wine’s the best, and the music has everyone dancing.

As everything’s in full swing, Jeff suddenly shouts, “Now listen up everyone. There’s a 12-foot alligator in the pool, and I’ll buy a brand-new Porsche Cayenne for anyone who’ll join him for a swim.

Barely had Jeff offered this challenge when he hears the sound of a loud splash.

He looks towards the pool and there’s local politician, Joe Garcia in the water, fighting madly with the alligator.

It’s a mean fight with wrestling, punches, biting, and choke holds. Water is splashing everywhere, and Joe Garcia and the alligator are raising hell.

Finally, after what seemed like an age, Joe Garcia strangles the alligator and leaves it floating on the surface of the pool.

He then staggers wearily out of the pool, as everyone stares at him in disbelief.

Well, Joe,” says Jeff, “I owe you a Porsche Cayenne.”

No, that won’t be necessary, I don’t want it,” said Joe.

Oh, come on,” said Jeff. “I have to give you something, you won the bet.

No thanks, I have a nice car and I don’t need another one,” Joe insisted.

Come on, you were amazing,” said Jeff. “How about I give you a Rolex watch?

Once again, Joe Garcia says, “No thanks.”

Confused, Jeff asks, “Well then, what do you want?

Joe looked around suspiciously at his fellow revellers and then said, “I want to get even with the son-of-a-bitch who pushed me in!

3. Hard truth:

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were in an art gallery viewing a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

Look at their reserve and calm,” said the Englishman. “That suggests they were English.”

Nonsense,” said the Frenchman. “They are naked and beautiful. That suggests they must have been French.”

The Russian reflected on what he’d just heard momentarily and then he shook his head. “No,” he said. “They have no clothes, no shelter and only an apple to eat and they’re being told they’re in paradise. They were definitely Russian.

4. Ageing problems:

Old Albert is visiting his doctor because he’s been having trouble with his hearing.

Doc,” says Albert, “I’ve been having problems with my hearing.”

Right!” says the doctor. “Let me take a closer look.

With that, the doctor picks up an otoscope and begins inspecting Albert’s ear.

After a few moments of inspection, the doctor says, “It looks like there’s some sort of object stuck in your ear.

The doctor grabs a pair of tweezers and proceeds to remove the object carefully.

As he pulls it out, the doctor looks at it closely and then exclaims, “It looks like a suppository!

Old Albert looks closely at the suppository, and then he looks at the doctor and says “Doc, can I use your phone?”

Of course,” the doctor replied.

I need to tell my wife that I now know where I put my hearing aid,” Albert continued.

5. Amish ways:

An elderly Amish woman was driving her buggy to a nearby town when a police officer stops her on the road.

Mam, I’m sorry to stop you,” said the police officer, “but I noticed that your rear reflector is broken, and this could be dangerous.”

Officer, I thank thee,” the Amish woman replied. “As soon as I get home, I’ll have my husband fix it.

Well, that’s fine,” said the police officer, “but I also noticed that one of the reins is wrapped around your horse’s testicles. That’s not going to be very comfortable for the horse. So, please have your husband check that too.”

Officer, again, I must thank thee,” said the woman. “I’ll mention it to him as soon as I get home.

True to her word, as soon as the Amish woman got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector on the buggy.

I’ll attend to it immediately,” he responded.

Good,” she replied. “And while you’re at it, the police officer seemed to think there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”

Please share the fun:

5 story jokes that are actually funnySo, were any of these jokes genuinely funny for you? I hope so, dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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