This hilarious joke is guaranteed to make you laugh

01/24/2025 by

We all must laugh at least once daily, wouldn’t you agree? Well, dear reader, if you’ve yet to laugh today, I think this hilarious joke will just be what you need.

This is a joke guaranteed to make you laugh, and it’s one you can tell in the office without worrying about offending people.

So go on, take a minute, and enjoy it.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Hilarious Joke:

Standing up to the Angels:

A man dies and suddenly finds himself standing in line at the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter.

With a cloud-connected iPad in his hand, St Peter is checking the details of each individual standing in line to decide whether they’ve done enough to pass through the gates into Heaven.

When the man gets to the front of the queue, St Peter looks at him and says, “Name please?”

“I’m Jim Thompson”, says the man.

“Hello Jim”, says St Peter, “Can you tell me what you did for a living please?”

Jim hesitated momentarily before saying, “Unfortunately I was out of work and living on welfare.”

“Hmmmmm”, says St Peter rubbing his chin. “Have you done anything recently that has benefited your fellow human beings?”

Jim thought for a minute, and then he said, “Well, when I saw a group of Hells Angels abusing a pretty girl in the street, I walked right up to the ringleader, and getting right into his personal space, nose to nose, looking him dead in the eye, I said to him, ‘You show that girl some respect, boy or you and I will have to sort it out man to man’.”

St Peter tapped something into his iPad and considered the response momentarily. Then he said to Jim, “I’m afraid there’s nothing in your records to confirm what you’ve said. When did it happen?”

“About five minutes ago”, said Jim.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Please share this joke:

If you enjoyed this hilarious joke, dear reader, then please share it on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

01/22/2025 by

If you’re looking for some brilliant one-liners, dear reader, I have some gems for you today.

There’s so much on the Internet and so little time to read it all. And what we all need is a good laugh. The problem is that we haven’t got time to read all the longer jokes.

Worry not. Help is at hand. Here are 25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Certainly, they all made me smile.

They’ll only consume 30 seconds of your time, and they’re well worth the effort.

And of course, laughter is the best medicine. So rather than take medication, you can have a good laugh instead.

Surely that’s a win-win situation? Go on, enjoy them all now.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Brilliant one-liners (1-10):

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

If photons have mass does that mean they’re Catholic?

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

If I had a dollar for every smart person I know I’d be broke.

A liberal is just a conservative who hasn’t been mugged yet.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Brilliant one-liners (11-20):

I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.

Can you increase the bounciness of a waterbed by using spring water?

If you can’t beat them, you could always arrange to have them beaten.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

I saw a sign that said, “Watch for Children,” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So, we compromised and got a puppy.

Why is the day you do your housework, laundry, cooking, and ironing called a day off?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.

Brilliant one-liners (21-25):

You know they’re a real friend when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.

I’m great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If a woman wants to scare a man, the only question she needs to ask is, “Do you know what day it is today?”

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Please share with your friends:

So did any of these prove to be the brilliant one-liners you’d hoped for, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

Brilliant one-liners

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

12 brilliant original Limericks written just for you

12/13/2024 by

If you’re looking for original limericks, then look no further.

If you enjoy the style of poems known as limericks, here are 12 original ones just for you, dear reader.

They’re all written by me. So, definitely original limericks. I hope you enjoy them.

If they do appeal to you, please feel free to share them.

ORIGINAL LIMERICKS

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, did you enjoy any of these original limericks? I hope you did anyway.

If you’re looking for more smiles, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post, please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So go on, please share it now.

Thank you. for your support, dear reader.

Articles that might also appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Poetry Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

10 original Limerick poems for your entertainment

12/11/2024 by

Today I’ve written 10 Limerick poems just for you, dear reader. They’re all original and written by me. I hope you enjoy them all.

Please feel free to share them.

Limerick Poems

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, did you enjoy some of these Limerick poems? I hope you did anyway.

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post, please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Poetry Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

50 candidates for short joke of the day to raise a smile

11/19/2024 by

If you’re looking for candidates for the short joke of the day, then there are some great jokes on offer here today, dear reader.

Perhaps you’re just looking for something to make you laugh.

Then I’m sure at least one or two of these will tickle your funny bone.

Enjoy them all.

And then please pass them on.

Short Joke of the Day (1-20):

  1. I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
  2. Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
  3. Avoid dangerous cults. Practise safe sects.
  4. Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
  5. Remember, there’s no lifeguard in the gene pool.
  6. Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha?
  7. Never fight with a dinosaur. You’ll just get jurasskicked.
  8. I’ve just sold a homing pigeon on eBay for the 15th time.
  9. What did the daughter corn ask the mother corn? Where’s popcorn?
  10. Humpy Dumpty had a terrible summer. However, he’s had a great fall.
  11. Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
  12. A man was attacked by string instruments. It was a brutal act of violins.
  13. Q: Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? A: Because it lifts their spirits.
  14. I wouldn’t say Poop jokes are the best jokes but they’re a solid Number 2.
  15. Could there be a worse time to have a heart attack than during a game of Charades?
  16. Could there be a more aptly named firm of divorce lawyers than Ditcher, Quick and Hyde?
  17. If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt and preservatives, don’t open it. It’s SPAM.
  18. WIFE: I have blisters on my hands from the broom. HUSBAND: Why didn’t you use the car?
  19. I saw two guys wearing identical outfits and I just asked them if they were gay. They arrested me.
  20. Julie Andrews famously portrayed Mary Poppins in the film. Now I hear she will no longer be endorsing cheap lipstick. Apparently, it crumbles easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she explained, “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”

Short Joke of the Day (21-30):

  1. If I don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
  2. A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert.
  3. When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, does she become a Def Leopard?
  4. I didn’t think that wearing orthopaedic shoes would make a difference but I stand corrected.
  5. My wife told me I have two faults. She said I don’t listen and some other crap she was banging on about.
  6. If I get a headache, I take two Aspirin and keep away from children, just as it recommends on the bottle.
  7. We keep having meetings at work because our boss is keen to work out why nothing productive is being done.
  8. Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi
  9. I was struck on the head by a large bottle of Omega 3 capsules. Luckily the marks on me were only Super Fish Oil.
  10. A naked woman robbed the bank today. Despite the bank being full of businessmen, no one could remember her face.

Short Joke of the Day (31-40):

  1. At the bus stop, I asked the bus driver how long the next bus would be. The same length as this one, he said.
  2. Take me back to those wild pre-COVID days when we’d party hard and eat cake after someone had blown on it.
  3. I yelled “COW!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger. Then she crashed her bike straight into a cow on the crossing. What can I say? I tried.
  4. I got up this morning and ran around the block five times. By then I was tired, so I picked the block up and put it back in the toy box.
  5. I’m worried my wife might be showing the first signs of Alzheimer’s. She’s just told me she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.
  6. Why is it that brain cells, skin cells and hair cells all die constantly and yet, fat cells seem to have eternal life?
  7. I accidentally wore a red shirt to shop in Target today and, to cut a long story short, I’m covering for Michelle this weekend.
  8. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.
  9. I see people my age mountain climbing, whereas I get a sense of achievement just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
  10. I need to get in shape. If I were murdered on the street today, my chalk outline would be a circle.

Short Joke of the Day (41-50):

  1. I don’t think inside the box. I don’t think outside the box either. I don’t even know where I might find the box.
  2. I wasn’t planning on going for a run today. However, those cops suddenly came out of nowhere.
  3. 90 per cent of my Google search history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell correctly.
  4. I often wonder what happened to all those people who’ve asked me for directions over the years
  5. A dentist married a manicurist. It didn’t work out. They fought constantly, tooth and nail.
  6. My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my home, then I got a lift from the delivery guy.
  7. Have you ever woken up and kissed the person next to you, then felt truly grateful to be alive? I just did and apparently, I won’t be allowed to fly with this airline again.
  8. They say love is the best feeling in the world. I disagree. There’s no better feeling than finding a public toilet when you’re out and about and suddenly struck down with diarrhoea.
  9. In the furniture store, the sales guy told me the sofa would sit five people without any problems. Then it occurred to me, I don’t know five people without any problems.
  10. I’ve been in a lot of places but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve never been in Cognito either. I hear no one recognises you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips.

Please share this post:

So dear reader, were these candidates for the short joke of the day as amusing as you’d hoped? Was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these jokes made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you can put a smile on someone else’s face, you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, and please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then click on the links below.

Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How to call someone stupid in a smart way

11/13/2024 by

If you’re wondering how to call someone stupid in a smart way, this article is just for you.

I thought it would be fun to curate some of the many euphemisms we use occasionally to indicate that someone of our acquaintance is not very bright.

So, here are 37 ways I can think of to suggest someone lacks brainpower.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (1-10)

He’s as sharp as a marble

He’s a dime short of a dollar

He’s as dim as a Toc-H lamp

He’s a sandwich short of a picnic

With him, it’s all foam, and no beer

He’s a few fries short of a Happy meal

He’s as sharp as a sock full of soup

He’s not firing on all cylinders

If he had brains, he’d be dangerous

He’s a few cards short of a full deck

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (11-20)

The lights are on but no one’s home

He’s not the brightest star in the sky

He’s not the sharpest tool in the box

He’s a Fruit Loop short of a full bowl

He’s not the fastest horse in the race

Few people are slower on the uptake

He doesn’t have all the dots on his dice

He’s not the brightest crayon in the box

He’s the reason we have warning labels

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (21-30)

He just doesn’t have both oars in the water

The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead

There’s a village somewhere missing its idiot

You could never accuse him of intelligent thought

He’s certainly unburdened by the thought process

Put your ear next to his and you can hear the ocean

He could hide his own Easter eggs and never find them

With him, the elevator doesn’t go all the way up to the top

He’s got two brain cells, and both are fighting for third place

That guy’s known as 90 cents because he isn’t the full dollar

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (31-37)

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change back

He’s like a pair of children’s scissors, colourful, but not too sharp

He couldn’t pour water out of a shoe with instructions on the heel

When God was giving out brains, he was standing in the wrong queue

No one would suggest that intellectual horsepower is his strongest suit

What he doesn’t know would fill the Library of Congress and then some

If his brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow his hat off

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, if you were searching for how to call someone stupid in a smart way, was this article worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of them make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

3 funny stories that’ll make you laugh

10/28/2024 by

FUNNY STORIESSearching for some funny stories, dear reader? Well, if you enjoy jokes in the form of amusing stories then I have three little gems for you today.

So, grab a coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

Funny Stories:

1. The boasting Texan:

Gus was a proud Texan who’d never been outside the United States before. So he decided he’d take a vacation in Canada.

On arriving at Toronto Pearson international airport he took a cab to his downtown hotel.

During the ride into the city they passed Queen’s Park and Gus was a little curious to learn something about the place.

So he said to the cab driver, “Hey buddy, what’s that?”

“Well”, said the cab driver with a sense of pride, “that park is the site of the Ontario Legislative Building which houses the Legislative Assembly of Ontario. It’s like your State government. Believe it or not, those buildings are over 100 years old and they’re big don’t you think?”

Gus was unimpressed. “That’s nothing”, he said. “Back in Texas, we have older buildings that are twice as big.”

Then they drove passed the skyscraper known as First Canadian Place.

“And what’s that?” asked Gus.

“Oh, that’s Canada’s tallest skyscraper”, said the cab driver. “Believe it or not that’s 978 feet high and it took four years to build.”

“Only 978 feet, that’s not very tall,” Gus responded. “Back home we have much taller buildings and they were all built in half the time. In the United States that building wouldn’t even make the list of Top 10 tallest buildings.”

Naturally, at this point, the cab driver was starting to feel a little irritated by Gus’s boasting.

Soon they were driving past the CN Tower.

Gus stared at it momentarily and then asked the cab driver, “And what’s that buddy?”

The cab driver looked at the structure and then smiled, “Oh, that’s just a Canadian pepper grinder.”

2. The wrong priorities:

Jeff was a very successful, young lawyer who was involved in a terrible car crash on the freeway.

The whole of the driver’s side of Jeff’s Maserati had been ripped clean off, along with his left arm.

He was staggering out of the wreckage when a motorcycle police officer arrived at the scene.

Jeff was clearly in a state of shock, mumbling, “Oh my God! My car! Look at my car!”

Seeing how badly Jeff was injured, the police officer said, “Sir, please try to stay calm. We need to be more concerned about your personal injuries, rather than any damage to your car.”

Jeff slowly looked down to where his left arm has once been and then suddenly he screamed, “Oh my God! My Rolex has gone! Where’s my Rolex?”

3. The Psychiatric Hospital:

Jim and Rita were long-term patients in a psychiatric hospital.

One day they were walking past the hospital’s therapeutic swimming pool when, suddenly, Jim threw himself into the deep end.

Knowing Jim couldn’t swim at all, Rita dived straight in after him and dragged him to the safety of the poolside.

As luck would have it the head psychiatrist saw exactly what happened and recognized just how brave Rita had been in the circumstances.

In recognition of her bravery, it was decided that she was ready to be discharged from the hospital, as her actions suggested that she was now mentally sound.

So the head psychiatrist called her into his office to tell Rita about the review panel’s decision.

“Rita”, said the head psychiatrist, “I have some good news for you. Unfortunately, I also have some bad news for you too.”

“What’s the good news?” asked Rita.

“Well, in recognition of your bravery in saving the life of another patient”, said the head psychiatrist, “We think you’ve shown you’ve regained a sound mind, so it’s been decided that you’re ready to be discharged.”

“That’s good”, said Rita. “But what’s the bad news?”

“Well, Jim subsequently hanged himself with the belt of his robe in the washroom. Unfortunately, he’s dead”, the head psychiatrist responded.

“No, doctor,” said Rita, “he didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

If you enjoyed this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

8 short jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

10/23/2024 by

Looking for some short jokes, dear reader? Well, I’ve got eight funny ones here for you today. I guarantee they’ll make you laugh.

So, grab a cup of coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Short Jokes:

1. The Brown Bear:

Two friends, Bill and George were out hiking in the Katmai National Park in Alaska when suddenly they saw a brown bear ambling along in their direction.

Bill immediately takes out a pair of running shoes from his backpack and then sits down to replace his heavy hiking books with his Nikes.

George is puzzled by Bill’s actions, so naturally, he asks, “Bill why are you putting on your running shoes right now?”

“George, you don’t seriously think I’m going to hang around until we’re spotted by that bear, do you?” Bill responds.

“Bill, don’t be ridiculous,” said George, “you’ll never outrun a brown bear.”

“I don’t have to outrun the bear,” Bill responded “I only have to outrun you!”

With that Bill disappeared into the distance shouting back as he went, “Good luck with that bear George.”

Moral of the Story: When it’s you or the other guy, make sure it’s not you.

2. The Efficiency Expert:

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant in Manhattan called The Lemon Tree.

As the waiter was taking our order I noticed he had a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange but initially, I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I couldn’t help noticing that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

And then as I gazed around the restaurant I could see that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.

So when the waiter came back to serve the soup naturally I enquired, “Why is every member of staff here carrying a spoon?”

“Well,” said the waiter, “the restaurant’s owner hired consultants from McKinsey to improve our processes. After several weeks of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. They calculated that there was a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.”

“Are you serious?” I felt compelled to ask.

“Yes sir!” said the waiter. “They concluded that if our people are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it at this point I managed to drop my spoon and he replaced it with the spare from his pocket immediately.

He then explained, “I’ll simply get another spoon when I next go to the kitchen, rather than making a special trip there right now.”

Such efficiency was impressive.

I then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I could see that all of the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies too.

Puzzled by this I asked the waiter, “Why do you all have a string hanging from the fly in your trousers?”

“Oh!” he said, lowering his voice, “The McKinsey consultants concluded that this will help us save time when we have to visit the restroom during a shift.”

“How so?” I inquired.

“Well,” he said, “by tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This shortens the time spent in the restroom by 39% they think.”

“Wow!” I said. “But how do you put it back in your trousers once you’ve finished?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

3. Goodtime Girl:

I met a girl in a bar who said she worked in a fairground.

She asked me if I would like to go to her place and have a good time.

She wasn’t kidding. I went on the Dodgems, the Big Dipper, the Waltzer and the Ghost Train, all for free. I even came home with a goldfish and some Cotton Candy.

4. Car Park Incident:

I left my car in a multi-storey car park the other day, and when I returned, the back of the car had a huge dent in it.

I found a note under the windshield wiper, and it said, “Sorry but I accidentally reversed into your car. There were witnesses, so I left this note so they’d think I was leaving my contact details. Well, I’m not. And in case you’re wondering, the CCTV is broken too, so it’s not your lucky day.”

5. Farming Logic:

A guy is driving along a country road when he sees a farmer standing in the middle of a large field. The farmer is doing absolutely nothing except standing and gazing into the distance.

The guy stops and asks the farmer if he’s OK.

“Yes,” said the farmer, “I’m fine.”

“That’s good,” says the guy. “I was a little worried, as you’re just standing and staring at nothing in particular.”

“That’s because I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize,” the farmer responds.

“A Nobel Prize?” says the guy, somewhat surprised. “How will you win a Nobel Prize?”

“Well,” says the farmer, “I’m told that to win a Nobel Prize, you just need to be out standing in your field.”

6. The Counterfeiters:

A couple of small-time counterfeiters, Jack and Earl had managed to get hold of a small stock of the actual paper used for printing American currency. This was a genuine stroke of luck and they intended to make the most of it. So they set about printing some twenty-dollar bills.

However, they’d been drinking heavily beforehand and their attention to the job wasn’t all that it should have been. Nevertheless, they printed off their counterfeit currency and then staggered off to bed.

The following morning when they’d sobered up they looked at their previous night’s work and suddenly realized they’d printed $18 dollar bills by mistake.

“Oh, no!” said Jack. “We’ve used all the paper, so we can’t print them off again, can we?”

“No problem,” said Earl. “All we need to do is find some little hick town in the hills somewhere and go into a store and ask some inbred to change them for lower denomination notes.”

“Do you think that will work?” said Jack.

“Sure!” said Earl “And I know just the place.”

So Jack and Earl got in their car with all the counterfeit currency and headed for a little hick town in NowheresVille.

Eventually, they came to a tiny little town deep in the hills with just one store. So they stopped and entered the store.

Jack handed one of the counterfeit $18 bills to the guy behind the counter and politely asked, “Hey buddy, would you mind changing this for some lower denomination notes, please? If you could, that would be appreciated.“

The clerk looked at the $18 bill, smiled and said, “Sure, no problem. What’s your preference, two nines or three sixes?“

7. The Thoughtful Husband:

Sometime after Stephen had died his widow, Alice was finally able to speak about what a wonderful and thoughtful man her late husband had been.

“Stephen thought of everything“, she told her friend Mabel. “You know, just before he died, Stephen called me to his bedside and he handed me three envelopes.“

“Really?” said Mabel. “And what did he say?”

“He said, Alice, I have put my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I’ve instructed. Then I can rest in peace,” Alice responded.

“So, what was in the envelopes?” Mabel enquired.

“In the first envelope, there was $5,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such thick padding in the lining that I know Stephen is resting very comfortably.” Alice responded.

“Really?” said Mabel.

“Yes,” said Alice, “And in the second envelope there was $10,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I arranged a very dignified funeral for Stephen, attended by all his friends and family.”

“So what was in the third envelope?” asked Mabel.

“The third envelope contained $50,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this to buy a suitable stone so I’m remembered’.” Alice responded.

At this point, she held up her hand to Mabel and pointed to the ten-carat diamond ring on her finger.

“So Mabel,” said Alice, “do you like the stone?“

8. The Hearing Test:

Bill was concerned about his elderly wife’s hearing. So he decided to test it without telling her.

He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, “Honey can you hear me?“

There was no response.

So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, “Honey can you hear me?“

Still, he got no response.

So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice, shouting in her ear, “HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

His wife put down her newspaper and turned towards him saying, “Bill, I said ‘Yes’ three times already!“

Moral of the Story: Don’t assume someone else is the source of a problem. It could be you who’s the problem.

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then click on the links below.

If you enjoyed this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

46 Bad jokes that are funny and will make you smile

10/01/2024 by

If you’re looking for some bad jokes that are funny and will make you smile, then here are 46 original jokes, written just for you, and which I hope you will enjoy.

Please feel free to pass them on.

Bad jokes that are funny (1–10):

I was asked whether I knew Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. What could I say? I didn’t even know Lincoln had a home in Gettysburg.

Have you heard about the new cookbook just published? It’s written by a well-known television adventurer and survival expert. It has some great tips for cooking meat on a campfire when you’re stuck in the jungle. The book’s called Bear Grills.

I had tickets to see a play at Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre in London. I was excited until my boss said I had to work late on some project that I thought was a crock of that which stinks. I told him I’d lose my money if I didn’t go. He told me I’d lose my job if I didn’t work late. “That’s not fair,” I said. He smiled and said, “Well, it looks like you’re stuck between a crock and the Bard’s place.”

Did you hear the one about the man who walked into a bar? There was a warning sign, but he wasn’t paying attention.

I was leaving the subway at 42nd Street when I stumbled. I reached out and grabbed a pole. The guy wasn’t happy, and he started swearing at me in his own language.

Imagine my dilemma. It’s late at night, dark, and I’m walking alone along 9th Avenue through Hell’s Kitchen. Suddenly, I’m confronted by a sinister guy with a bat in his hand. It was tense, I can tell you, but then the bat flew off, and the guy went chasing after it.

The health inspector was inspecting the kitchen in the restaurant I managed, and he said he’d found a live beetle under the refrigerator. “Which one?” I said, “Paul or Ringo?”

When I was in school, I got into trouble for truancy. As it wasn’t the first time, I was told the principal would throw the book at me. She did. It was the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

I asked a girl in the office for a date. She said she didn’t have any, but she did ask whether I’d like one of the figs from her lunchbox.

The receptionist walked into my office, and she was shouting that she had an axe to grind. I told her that wasn’t something we dealt with in the Accounts Department.

Bad jokes that are funny (11–20):

My boss asked me whether I could date the letter he had in his hand, but I told him I preferred to date girls.

They asked me if I could play a bass. No, I said, but I can cook a mean seabream.

My mother asked me whether I’d received a letter at school today. “Yes,” I said, “I got a D in Science.”

My boss told me that I had a chip on my shoulder. Well, it might seem a bit odd, but there’s no law against using Pringles to accessorize your clothes.

The other day, I went down to the river, and there was a gang fight between a shoal of Carp and a shoal of Perch. I couldn’t quite comprehend what I was seeing until another angler said, “We’re fishing in troubled waters.”

Two electrons were the best of buddies. Well, why wouldn’t they be when they were both on the same wavelength?

My friend said, “I need help. Can I tap you for $1,000?” I said, “For $1,000, you can hit me over the head with a baseball bat.”

I’ve just read a statistic that suggests 65% of bald men still carry a comb. They just can’t part with it.

It was a cold night, and I was on the Staten Island Ferry, standing on deck, gazing out at the Statue of Liberty. A guy approached me, waving an unlit cigarette, and he said, “Got a light, Mac?” I smiled and said, “No, but can I offer you a dark brown overcoat?”

I was in a coffee shop in Manhattan, and I couldn’t get the Wi-Fi to work. I asked the girl behind the counter to help me. She said it was faulty, and I’d have to pretend it was 1973. So, I gave her a dime for my coffee and lit up a cigarette.

Bad jokes that are funny (21-30):

When my wife came down to breakfast, she asked what was left. Apparently, the opposite of right wasn’t helpful.

We were in the garden, and my wife said she was looking for a pole. She wasn’t amused when I asked, “Which one, north or south?”

I’ve just seen a twelve-inch ruler. You wouldn’t think someone so small could become a nation’s monarch, would you?

I was looking forward to my lunch date, but my friends just dismissed it as a sweet Middle Eastern fruit.

How was my trip? Let me tell you, how was my trip? I fell flat on my face and broke my nose.

Did you know that the song overwhelmingly voted favourite by textile workers everywhere is Die Another Day?

At the job interview, I was asked if I could perform under pressure. “No,” I said, “but I could probably do a passable version of Bohemian Rhapsody.”

The questionnaire asked whether I liked rock. It wasn’t obvious whether they meant riff-driven popular music or the famous sweet confectionery from Blackpool.

I’m so old that I can remember when the Super Bowl was just the slightly inflated bowl.

This morning, I noticed I had a large mole on my back. How it got in from the garden, I’ll never know.

Bad jokes that are funny (30–40):

I started work on a construction site, and the foreman asked me whether I was familiar with boring. “Sure,” I said. “I can be as boring as the best of them.”

My wife said she was looking for a ruler. Apparently, you’ll find King Charles in Buckingham Palace, wasn’t helpful.

When the waitress served my toast this morning, she asked me what I thought of the jam. “They’re okay,” I said, “but I prefer the Electric Light Orchestra.”

I asked a friend could he recommend a small arms manufacturer. He said, “Have you tried Smith & Wesson?” I said, “I didn’t even know they made prosthetic limbs for young children.”

A girl in the office received a bunch of flowers this morning with all the heads cut off. I think she might have a stalker.

On a day out in the country, I walked into a wood. That’s nice, you might think. Well, before long, I’d walked into a Smith, a Jones, and a Barrington-Smyth too. I really must get my eyes tested.

My wife asked me if I knew her favourite flower. Recognizing a loaded question, I thought about it very carefully before I responded. Then I said, “Self-raising?”  She hasn’t spoken to me since.

Teacher: Give me a sentence that includes the words defence, defeat, and detail. Little Johnny: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.

We were walking through Central Park when my wife shouted, “Duck!” Naturally, I dipped my head as I looked up for an airborne obstacle. That was when I tripped over a large Wood duck, fell flat on my face, and broke my nose. The Moral of the Story: Consider your wife’s advice carefully before acting.

Dr Rivera was a trauma specialist in A&E known for his insensitive bedside manner. One day, a casualty was brought in following a gas explosion. The patient’s wife arrived and asked the doctor, “Can you tell me whether my husband will have any long-term effects from the explosion?” Dr Rivera thought about her question momentarily and then said, “At this stage, all I can say with certainty is that he’ll be no good in a Mexican wave.

Bad jokes that are funny (40–46):

I keep seeing signs which read, Bill Posters Will Be Prosecuted. I don’t know what he’s done but this guy Posters must be one bad boy.

The guy asked me whether I knew Centre Parcs. “No,” I said, “but I think I know his brother Bill.”

I applied for a job as security staff in a nightclub, and at the interview, they asked me if I knew martial arts. “I don’t think so,” I said. “What’s his first name?”

I used a computer in the local library to order something online. When I was done, my wife asked if I’d cleared the cache. “Why?” I said. “I used my credit card.” 

We were going clothes shopping, and my wife suggested I buy a jacket. I said, “Great idea! Let’s go to Spud-u-Like.”

A drunken scouser staggers into a public house on Lime Street with a large, beautiful, brightly-coloured Scarlet Macaw on his shoulder. The drunk staggers up to the bar, and the bartender says, “Wow, where did you get that?” “Oh,” says the macaw, “Lime Street’s full of them at this time of night.”

Please share with your friends:

So, dear reader, did any of these bad jokes that are funny prove to be as funny as you’d hoped?

I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read today, please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, then I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

8 really funny jokes that will make you smile

10/01/2024 by

If you’re like me, you enjoy really funny jokes. Something to make you laugh and brighten the day. Well, here are eight really funny jokes that all made me smile today.

I hope you enjoy them.

And, if you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Really Funny Jokes:

1. Money’s too tight to mention:

Two old friends, Mary and Jane, were going shopping.

Mary was a spendthrift and she had a bad habit of constantly overdrawing her bank account.

Before leaving for the mall, Jane complained about her own lack of funds and sadly lamented, “If I buy anything, I guess I’ll have to use plastic.”

Unconcerned, Mary whipped out her chequebook and said, “Well I’ll be using rubber.”

2. Blood from a stone:

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s wealthy banker, so the director decided to make a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?” the banker continued.

“I … I … I had no idea,”  the director admitted.

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

3. Verifying your cheque:

The store clerk requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal cheque for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she said was the only thing she had that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank. 

4. Asking for charity:

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m their landlord.”

 5. Ways of seeing:

Teenager, Billy lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a brief but fruitless search, Billy gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she’d found the lens.

“How did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing Billy,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

6. The rooster:

A farmer decided he wanted to go into town to see a movie.

As he was standing in line for a ticket, the ticket agent says to him. “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “this here’s my pet rooster, Chuck. I never go anywhere without Chuck.”

“Sir, I’m sorry,” the ticket agent responds, “but we don’t allow any animals in the auditorium.”

Now the farmer is a wily old operator, and he knows how to work around a problem.

So, he disappears around the corner and stuffs the rooster down his overalls. Then he returns to the ticket booth, buys a ticket, and walks off to take his seat.

On this occasion, he’s seated next to two old women, Maude and Daisy.

The movie starts and naturally, the rooster begins to get restless. So, the old farmer unbuttons his fly so Chuck could stick his head out to watch the movie.

“Daisy,” says Maude, whispering.

“What is it, Maude?” Daisy responds.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” Daisy asks.

“He just undid his pants, and he’s got his thing out,” whispers Maude.

“So, why worry?” Daisy responds, “at your age, it’s not like you haven’t seen one before. When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

“Well, that’s what I thought,” Maude responded, “but this one’s eating my popcorn.“

7. Devoted wife:

Harry is on his deathbed, and he says to his wife, “Mabel, I will be gone soon, and there’s something I must ask you. In these 50 years of our marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?“

“Well, Harry,” Mabel replied, “I must be honest with you. I was unfaithful on three occasions during these past 50 years, but always with good reason.“

“Really?” said Harry, hurt by Mabel’s confession. “I didn’t suspect anything. Can you tell me your reasons?“

Mabel sighed and said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our house because we couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?“

Harry remembered the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?“

Mabel hesitated momentarily and then said, “Do you remember when you had heart problems and we didn’t have enough money to pay your medical bills? I went to see your doctor one night, and if you recall, he did the bypass surgery at no charge.“

“Oh, yes,” said Harry, “How could I forget, Mabel? You saved my life, so I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Well,” Mabel continued, “do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed to be sure you could count on all 15 votes from the committee members?“

8. The Lesson:

While walking along Pennsylvania Avenue, a congressman is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Suddenly he finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St. Peter.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter.

The congressman is still a little confused, given his circumstances, but thanks St Peter for his welcome.

“Now,” St Peter continues, “before you settle in, there is an issue. We seldom see politicians here, so we’re never quite sure what to do with you. However, we do have a procedure.”

“So, what happens now?” asks the congressman.

“Well,” says St Peter, “What we’ll do is have you spend a day in Hell followed by a day in Heaven. Then you can choose where you’ll spend eternity.”

With that, St. Peter escorts the congressman to an elevator and down he goes to Hell.

A few moments later, the elevator door opens, and the congressman finds himself standing in the clubhouse of the most amazing golf course he’d ever seen. Standing in front of him were all his old Washington buddies and other politicians who’d predeceased him.

They’re all having a great time, drinking, laughing and joking. When they see him, they greet him warmly, shake his hand, and reminisce about all the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of ordinary people. They invite him to play a game of golf and then afterwards they all dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

The devil joins them for dinner. The congressman is amazed at how friendly and caring the devil is. Nothing like he had imagined.

They were all having the most amazing time when the devil suggested it was probably time for the congressman to complete the process with St Peter.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and a wave as the elevator rises back up to the Pearly Gates. Suddenly the door opens and St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Well,” says St Peter, “now it’s time to visit Heaven.”

The time passes with the congressman joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. The time they had was pleasant enough if a little underwhelming, but it passed quickly. Before he realizes it, the congressman is back with St Peter.

“Well, now,” says St Peter, “you’ve seen what Heaven and Hell have to offer, so you must now make a choice.”

The congressman reflects on his options momentarily, then says, “Well, pleasant as Heaven was, what the devil has to offer me seems like a much better deal. So, I’ll opt for Hell.”

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and back he goes down to Hell for all eternity.

When the elevator door opens, the congressman finds himself in a stinking hellhole full of waste and garbage. Once again, he sees his friends, but they’re dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The smell is terrible.

The congressman struggles to comprehend what he’s seeing as the devil arrives to greet him. “I don’t understand,” the congressman says to the devil, “this is not what I voted for.”

The devil smiles at him.

“Yesterday,” continues the congressman, “when I was here, there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. How can this possibly be what I voted for?”

Once again, the devil smiles at him and says, “Ah, yes, you’ve noticed. Well, you see, yesterday I was campaigning. Today I have your vote. So, now you know how ordinary people feel.”

Please share this post:

So did these prove to be the really funny jokes you’d hoped for read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Articles you might enjoy:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »