37 one line funny quotes to brighten your day

One line funny quotesOne line funny quotes always make me smile. I just love clever wordplay and short, pithy comments. And I always make a note of them in my journal.

So today I’ve pulled together 37 one line funny quotes which I will brighten your day and raise a smile or two. Enjoy them all.

One line funny quotes:

  1. Blunt pencils are pointless.
  2. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  3. The rotation of Earth makes my day.
  4. Did Noah include termites on the ark?
  5. To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
  6. Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.
  7. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
  8. Which shoes do frogs prefer? Open toad sandals.
  9. Why do bees hum? They can’t remember the lyrics!
  10. If you don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
  11. The cost of living might be high but it remains popular.
  12. You can add insult to injury by signing somebody’s cast.
  13. If everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  14. I failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil. It wasn’t 2B. 
  15. I used to have an hour-glass figure, but the sand has shifted.
  16. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is on my ‘to do’ list.
  17. The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
  18. Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children is enough!
  19. You think you’ve got a handle on life and then you realise it’s broke.
  20. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  21. Adam and Eve were the first to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
  22. Does refusing to go to the gym count as a form of resistance training?
  23. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It can dissolve marriages, families and careers.
  24. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I’ve a hunch, it might be me.
  25. I went to see my physician about my short-term memory problems. He made me pay in advance.
  26. I bought a new pair of gloves and they were both ‘lefts’. Good on the one hand but on the other, just not right.
  27. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honest I’m not a fan.
  28. I’m sceptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
  29. Do I have a girlfriend? Well, I know a girl who would be really mad if I said I didn’t.
  30. Honesty’s the best policy, which suggests that dishonesty is the second-best policy.
  31. Houdini used a trap door in every show, which suggests it was a stage he was going through.
  32. Animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers
  33. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  34. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
  35. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
  36. A ghost walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a Whiskey. The bartender said, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve spirits in here.”
  37. It was so cold in Manhattan last night that flashers were forced to describe themselves to people.

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So dear reader, did any of these one-line funny quotes make you smile?

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