75 brilliant comedy quotes to make you smile

09/27/2025 by

Today I am exploring comedy quotes. By that, I mean humorous quotes from American comedy television and the movies.

I’m thinking about everything, including absurdity, sarcasm, awkward charm, sharp wit and anything perfect for keeping the laughter going.

I’ve selected 25 comedy quotes from my journal, so take a look and enjoy them all.

And, please, feel free to share them with your friends.

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Brilliant Comedy Quotes

1. TV Comedy Shows

  1. “Why does everything I love run away from me?”
    — Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock
  2. “I’m a snack. A Smart Snack. I’m like almonds.”
    — Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell), The Good Place
  3. “I’m not interested in caring about people.”
    — April Ludgate (Aubrey Plaza), Parks and Recreation
  4. “If I were a superhero, my power would be passive-aggression.”
    — Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry), Friends
  5. “If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.”
    — Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker), The Office (US)
  6. “Sometimes I wish I were a l*sbian… did I say that out loud?”
    — Ross Geller (David Schwimmer), Friends
  7. “It’s never too early for ice cream.”
    — Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
  8. “I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed b*tch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.”
    — Gretchen Wieners (Lacey Chabert), Mean Girls (also a film, but frequently quoted in sitcom-style banter)
  9. “I am the human disaster.”
    — Jessica Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl
  10. “You could drown in that voice.”
    — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
  11. “That’s a lot of feelings to pack into one sentence, and I don’t like it.”
    — Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  12. “Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt no doubt no doubt.”
    — Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi), Community
  13. “I live in a constant state of fear and misery.”
    — Tina Belcher (Dan Mintz), Bob’s Burgers
  14. “I once forgot my own birthday. I thought it was tomorrow.”
    — Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
  15. “It’s pronounced ‘Zee-ro’ not ‘Zero.’ I’m European now.”
    — Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara), Schitt’s Creek
  16. “You know how I know you’re g*y? You like Coldplay.”
    — Seth (Jonah Hill), Superbad (film, but often referenced in TV-style quips)
  17. “I went outside once. The graphics were good, but the gameplay sucked.”
    — Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  18. “I’m gonna go lie down for twenty minutes and hope everything fixes itself.”
    — Amy Santiago (Melissa Fumero), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  19. “I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”
    — George Lopez (George Lopez), George Lopez Show
  20. “I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.”
    — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
  21. “I love you, but I love me more.”
    — Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall), S*x and the City
  22. “I’m not a morning person. Or a night person. Let’s just say I’m not a person.”
    — Daria Morgendorffer (Tracy Grandstaff), Daria
  23. “Every time I try to do something fun, you make it not that way.”
    — Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US)
  24. “I am an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a vest.”
    — Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl
  25. “I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man. But I want one. Preferably rich and emotionally unavailable.”
    — Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), The Mindy Project

2. Comedy Movies:

  1. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”
    — President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
  2. “I have n*pples, Greg. Could you milk me?”
    — Jack Byrnes (Robert De Niro), Meet the Parents
  3. “I’m in a dress. I have gel in my hair. I haven’t slept all night. I’m starved, and I’m armed. Don’t mess with me.”
    — Miss Congeniality (Sandra Bullock), Miss Congeniality
  4. “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”
    — Anna Scott (Julia Roberts), Notting Hill (used humorously in ironic contexts)
  5. “Why is the rum always gone?”
    — Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), Pirates of the Caribbean
  6. “This is like if that show ‘Cops’ was about cake.”
    — Annie (Kristen Wiig), Bridesmaids
  7. “I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books.”
    — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
  8. “There’s no crying in baseball!”
    — Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks), A League of Their Own
  9. “My hat blew off, Daddy!”
    — Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller), Zoolander
  10. “Is butter a carb?”
    — Regina George (Rachel McAdams), Mean Girls
  11. “I love lamp.”
    — Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman
  12. “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
    — Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling), The Notebook (used ironically in many comedies)
  13. “Put that cookie down! NOW!”
    — Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Jingle All the Way
  14. “Did I do that?”
    — Steve Urkel (Jaleel White), Family Matters (TV show)
  15. “I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.”
    — Jessica Rabbit (Kathleen Turner), Who Framed Roger Rabbit
  16. “He’s so hot right now.”
    — Mugatu (Will Ferrell), Zoolander
  17. “We came, we saw, we kicked its a*s!”
    — Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters
  18. “Flair. You know, like buttons. Pieces of flair.”
    — Joanna (Jennifer Aniston), Office Space
  19. “She doesn’t even go here!”
    — Damian (Daniel Franzese), Mean Girls
  20. “I like smiling. Smiling’s my favorite.”
    — Buddy (Will Ferrell), Elf
  21. “I thought they smelled bad… on the outside!”
    — Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (quoted in comedic contexts)
  22. “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”
    — Johnny (Tommy Wiseau), The Room (infamous cult comedy gold)
  23. “It’s not a man purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.”
    — Alan (Zach Galifianakis), The Hangover
  24. “You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”
    — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
  25. “I don’t know what we’re yelling about!”
    — Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman

3. Dry, Sarcastic, and Sassy Quotes (TV & Movies)

  1. “I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.”
    — Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling), The Office (US)
  2. “You’re not the worst person in the world, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
    — Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock
  3. “I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”
    — Phoebe Buffay (Lisa Kudrow), Friends
  4. “I’ll have what she’s having.”
    — Woman in deli (Estelle Reiner), When Harry Met Sally
  5. “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
    — Red Forman (Kurtwood Smith), That ’70s Show
  6. “You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”
    — Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), The Golden Girls
  7. “I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”
    — Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch), Glee
  8. “I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.”
    — Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara), Schitt’s Creek
  9. “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
    — Max Black (Kat Dennings), 2 Broke Girls
  10. “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”
    — Nicky (Natasha Lyonne), Orange Is the New Black
  11. “Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?”
    — Detective Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence), Bad Boys
  12. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
    — Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  13. “My give-a-damn’s busted.”
    — Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), The Golden Girls
  14. “Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.”
    — Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur), The Golden Girls
  15. “I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.”
    — Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
  16. “I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
    — Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  17. “I don’t do hypotheticals. I’m either right or I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong.”
    — Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Parks and Recreation
  18. “I want you to know I’m really happy for you. And by happy I mean furious.”
    — Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl
  19. “My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m getting fat.”
    — Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), The Mindy Project
  20. “I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?”
    — Monica Geller (Courteney Cox), Friends
  21. “You’re so full of crap, your eyes are brown.”
    — Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki), Supernatural
  22. “I’m not judging you, I’m just saying you’re wrong.”
    — Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  23. “You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”
    — Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  24. “You don’t deserve a good hair day.”
    — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
  25. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester), Gossip Girl
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25 Funny TV Show Quotes & Comedy Film Quotes too

08/18/2025 by

Today, I have curated some funny TV show quotes. There are 25 in total, and they all made me laugh.

Enjoy them all. I’m confident they will make you smile as well.

And, as a bonus, I’ve curated 25 comedy film quotes too.

All of these quotes have been chosen for their sharp wit, absurdity, or perfect comedic timing, and they’re guaranteed to tickle the funny bone.

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25 Funny TV Show Quotes:

  1. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
    — Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US)
  2. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
    — Mitch Hedberg (as himself), Comedy Central Presents
  3. “When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.”
    — Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris), How I Met Your Mother
  4. “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
    — Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry), Friends
  5. “Sometimes I start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going.”
    — Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US)
  6. “Treat yo’ self!”
    — Donna Meagle (Retta), Parks and Recreation
  7. “You can’t just give up. Is that what a dinosaur would do?”
    — Joey Tribbiani (Matt LeBlanc), Friends
  8. “I have the charisma of a damp rag.”
    — Malcolm Tucker (Peter Capaldi), The Thick of It
  9. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”
    — Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Parks and Recreation
  10. “I am Beyoncé, always.”
    — Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US)
  11. “I don’t have dreams. I have goals.”
    — Harvey Specter (Gabriel Macht), Suits
  12. “I don’t need a therapist. I have a horse.”
    — BoJack Horseman (Will Arnett), BoJack Horseman
  13. “I’m allergic to mornings.”
    — Garfield (Lorenzo Music), Garfield and Friends
  14. “You had me at ‘we’ll get food’.”
    — Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl
  15. “You can’t handle the tooth!”
    — Phil Dunphy (Ty Burrell), Modern Family
  16. “I ate a big red candle.”
    — Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman (TV cameo reference)
  17. “Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.”
    — Andy Dwyer (Chris Pratt), Parks and Recreation
  18. “If I don’t talk, it’s because I’m holding in a scream.”
    — George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld
  19. “I can’t go to jail! I don’t have the upper body strength for it!”
    — Gob Bluth (Will Arnett), Arrested Development
  20. “I want to cry so bad, but I don’t think I can spare the moisture.”
    — Phoebe Buffay (Lisa Kudrow), Friends
  21. “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
    — Gob Bluth (Will Arnett), Arrested Development
  22. “I’m not a hero. I put my bra on one b**b at a time like everyone else.”
    — Tina Belcher (Dan Mintz), Bob’s Burgers
  23. “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.”
    — Andy Dwyer (Chris Pratt), Parks and Recreation
  24. “We were on a break!”
    — Ross Geller (David Schwimmer), Friends
  25. “My body is a temple… ancient and crumbling.”
    — Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur), The Golden Girls
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25 Comedy Film Quotes:

  1. “I’m not even supposed to be here today!”
    — Dante Hicks (Brian O’Halloran), Clerks
  2. “I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”
    — Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada
  3. “Do I make you h*rny, baby?”
    — Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
  4. “60% of the time, it works every time.”
    — Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd), Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
  5. “I’m in a glass case of emotion!”
    — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
  6. “Fat guy in a little coat.”
    — Tommy Callahan (Chris Farley), Tommy Boy
  7. “We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!”
    — Wayne Campbell (Mike Myers), Wayne’s World
  8. “It’s just a flesh wound.”
    — Black Knight (John Cleese), Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  9. “It’s so fluffy I’m gonna die!”
    — Agnes (Elsie Fisher), Despicable Me
  10. “Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Nobody!”
    — White Goodman (Ben Stiller), Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
  11. “You’re killing me, Smalls!”
    — Hamilton “Ham” Porter (Patrick Renna), The Sandlot
  12. “I’m kind of a big deal.”
    — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
  13. “I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.”
    — Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks), Forrest Gump
  14. “What is this? A center for ants?”
    — Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller), Zoolander
  15. “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
    — Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!
  16. “You sit on a throne of lies.”
    — Buddy (Will Ferrell), Elf
  17. “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing gl**.”
    — Steve McCroskey (Lloyd Bridges), Airplane!
  18. “Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.”
    — Richard Vernon (Paul Gleason), The Breakfast Club
  19. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
    — Chief Brody (Roy Scheider), Jaws (Not a comedy per se, but often quoted humorously)
  20. “I’m not drunk, I’m just talking in cursive.”
    — The Dude (Jeff Bridges), The Big Lebowski
  21. “I invented Post-its.”
    — Christie Masters (Julia Campbell), Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion
  22. “Did we just become best friends?!”
    — Dale Doback (John C. Reilly), Step Brothers
  23. “I’m in love, I’m in love, and I don’t care who knows it!”
    — Buddy (Will Ferrell), Elf
  24. “I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.”
    — Buddy (Will Ferrell), Elf
  25. “That rug really tied the room together.”
    — Walter Sobchak (John Goodman), The Big Lebowski
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