33 amusing one-liners that might just make you smile

09/26/2025 by

You might enjoy today’s post if you love witty and amusing one-liners.

There are 33 little gems here that should tickle you, at least a little.

Either that, or they might make you cringe.

Yes, it’s true, a few are corny. Nevertheless, I hope they give you a laugh.

So enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

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Amusing One-liners (1-11):

  1. As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
  2. We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
  3. Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
  4. If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
  5. Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
  6. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  7. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
  8. I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
  9. If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
  10. What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
  11. Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

  1. Why was it so hot at the ballpark after the game? All the fans left.
  2. I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
  3. The perfect solution for keeping Brownies fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
  4. My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
  5. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
  6. I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
  7. When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
  8. I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
  9. Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
  10. I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
  11. Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.

Amusing One-liners (23-33):

  1. My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
  2. A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
  3. The sweater I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
  4. My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.”
  5. I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
  6. A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
  7. My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
  8. There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
  9. I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!”
  10. A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
  11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
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So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these one-liners amusing? Did they make you smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, just click on the links below.

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21 brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and witty

09/26/2025 by

Here are 21 brilliant one-liner quotes for you today.

I’m confident that at least some of them will make you smile.

Certainly, they made me smile.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

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Brilliant one-liner quotes (1-10):

  1. I did have a handle on life, but it’s broken.
  2. No, I can’t offer you a solution, but I can offer a sarcastic remark.
  3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
  4. I don’t like jokes about the unemployed because none of them works.
  5. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
  6. Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they’re getting.
  7. Do people really practise yoga every day? It sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
  8. If you think television can insult your intelligence, nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  9. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  10. Letting go of a loved one is hard unless you’re trying to survive a rock-climbing accident.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (11-21):

  1. Have you heard about the new game for Generation Z kids’? It’s called ‘I spy with my little iPhone’.
  2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  3. Worrying can solve your problems. I know because 99 per cent of the things I worry about never happen.
  4. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  5. I was knocked off the donkey I was riding when someone threw a rock at me. I was literally stoned off my ass.
  6. You might be tempted to fight fire with fire, but remember that the fire department prefers to use water.
  7. If you give a man a fish you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
  8. I’m told money can’t buy me happiness but, surely being miserable in a Mercedes beats being miserable on the bus?
  9. So, what, if the early bird gets the worm? It’s better to be the second mouse and get the cheese. Worm or cheese? No contest!
  10. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of Jack Daniel’s. The bartender said, ‘I’m sorry buddy but we don’t serve spirits in here.’
  11. If you want proof that light travels faster than sound, you only have to look at people who appear bright until they open their mouths.
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Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these brilliant one-liner quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

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11 razor-sharp quotes from some of life’s greatest wits

09/25/2025 by

I love razor-sharp quotes, don’t you? I refer to those quotes that are both sharp and very funny when you give them just a little thought.

Whenever I come across a sharp and witty quote, I always make a note of it in my journal. And today, as I’ve been going through my journal, I’ve picked out 11 razor-sharp quotes that I think are funny and I thought you might enjoy them too, dear reader.

They definitely made me smile, so I hope they brighten your day too. Enjoy them all.

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Razor-sharp quotes:

  1. Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you. ~Jeremy Clarkson
  2. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. ~Oscar Wilde 
  3. I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business, but I was in the top one. ~Brian Clough
  4. The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. ~Dorothy Parker
  5. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. ~WC Fields
  6. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~Spike Milligan
  7. He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. ~Winston Churchill
  8. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~Noel Coward
  9. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
  10. A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth. ~George Bernard Shaw
  11. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ~Mark Twain
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25 dark humor quotes that will brighten your day

09/25/2025 by

If you’re looking for some dark humor quotes, dear reader, I’ve pulled together 25 that will brighten your day. Well, I hope so, anyway.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all and then please feel free to pass them on.

Sharing smiles is the most useful thing any of us can do. Laughter is always the best medicine.

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Dark Humor Quotes:

  1. I’m not lazy. I just have an energy-saving mode.
  2. People believe in God but does God believe in people?
  3. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
  4. Where would you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.
  5. I don’t hate you. I’m just not that excited about your existence.
  6. Just be yourself is not necessarily the best advice for everyone.
  7. In life, occasionally you’re the pigeon but mostly you’re the statue.
  8. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  9. If at first, you don’t succeed, remove all evidence that you even tried.
  10. Never hit anyone with glasses. If you must hit them, use a baseball bat.
  11. Friendship’s more important than money. Unless someone owes you $100.
  12. Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
  13. ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral.
  14. If one door opens when another one closes, your house is probably haunted.
  15. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you could be missing out on the joke of the day.
  16. My house is like the Bermuda Triangle. Stuff comes in never to be seen again.
  17. Why doesn’t my phone fly when I put it in airplane mode? I’d really like to know.
  18. Everyone brings joy to my house. Some when they arrive; others when they leave.
  19. If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, you’d have to ask, “What happened to the rabbit?”
  20. I always said I wanted to be somebody but perhaps I should have been more specific.
  21. Smell is one of the biggest triggers of memory. How will you be remembered?
  22. I’m not known for being tough but I have the heart of a lion. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
  23. I’m a leader, not a follower. Unless it’s a very dark and spooky place, then you’re going first.
  24. My grief counsellor died last week. However he was so good at his job, it hasn’t bothered me at all.
  25. The quickest way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. An axe through the chest would be a lot quicker.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of these dark humor quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. If they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

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19 Best Homer Simpson quotes that’ll make you smile

09/25/2025 by

Today, I am in search of the best Homer Simpson quotes.

And I think these have got to be 19 of the very best Homer Simpson quotes. I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two with readers. Homer’s take on life is always witty and very funny.

I love The Simpsons, and, in particular, Homer Simpson’s philosophy on life never fails to get me laughing out loud. So today I thought it would be fun to take a look back at some of his most memorable quotes.

If you are a fan of The Simpsons, I’m sure you will enjoy revisiting Homer’s words of wisdom.

Enjoy them all.

Best Homer Simpson quotes
Image by Alan Nakkash
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Best Homer Simpson quotes:

  1. Trying is the first step toward failure.
  2. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  3. If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
  4. I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s the way I am.
  5. Marge, you know it’s rude to talk when my mouth is full.
  6. Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
  7. If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.
  8. Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
  9. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
  10. The problem in the world today is communication; too much communication.
  11. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
  12. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
  13. If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
  14. I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
  15. Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do?
  16. Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals; except the weasel.
  17. Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate, and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
  18. Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
  19. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Please share this post with your friends:

Do you agree that these are some of the best Homer Simpson quotes?

You do? I hope so anyway.

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55 funny quotes about money to make you smile

09/23/2025 by

Today, I am exploring funny quotes about money.

Money, that’s what I want! And so does everyone else.

It’s a modern obsession. We like to think that it doesn’t matter, but it does. We cannot get far without at least some of it in the modern world.

We all talk about money, and we’re constantly chasing value for money. This is natural, of course, because our lifestyle, such as it is, depends on the money we have and the money we earn.

However, there’s a slightly absurd and amusing side to it all, too. So I thought I’d search out some quotes to explore the funny side of money.

Here are 55 funny quotes about money that made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day too.

Funny quotes about money (1-20):

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. ~Yogi Berra

A Nillionaire is someone with no money. ~Author Unknown

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons. ~Douglas Adams

The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money. ~IRS auditor

What’s worth doing is worth doing for money. ~Michael Douglas

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Rich is better. ~Sophie Tucker

A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere. ~Warren Buffett

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. ~Author Unknown

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? ~John Barrymore

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. ~Oscar Wilde

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. ~Spike Milligan

The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money. ~Author Unknown

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop ~Gertrude Stein

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. ~Author Unknown

People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals. ~Jerry Seinfeld

They say money talks and perhaps it does, but mine just says goodbye. ~Author Unknown

I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money. ~Pablo Picasso

I wish my bank account was refilled as quickly as my laundry basket does. ~Every mom on the planet

Due to recent budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. ~Author Unknown

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. ~Will Rogers

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Funny quotes about money (21-40):

I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention. ~Ron Kittle

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. ~W.C. Fields

His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine. ~Mark Twain

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. ~Woody Allen

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can pay for plastic surgery. ~Joan Rivers

We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules. ~Buzzie Bavasi

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. ~J. Paul Getty

I’m stuck between “I need to save money” and “You only live once.”   ~Author Unknown

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail. ~Kinky Friedman

I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries. ~Jules Renard

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. ~Jackie Mason

I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have nothing to play with. ~Rodney Dangerfield

I have done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work. ~Author Unknown

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. ~Author Unknown

I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died. ~Malcolm Forbes

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx

If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem. ~J. Paul Getty

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~Lana Turner

If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal. ~Katharine Hepburn

Another good thing about being poor is that when you’re 70, your children will not have you declared legally insane to gain control of your estate. ~Woody Allen

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Funny quotes about money (41-55):

A salary is a drug they give you to forget your dreams. ~Kevin O’Leary

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. ~J. Paul Getty

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock. ~Henny Youngman

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. ~Earl Wilson

When a fellow says, “It ain’t the money, but the principle of the thing,” it’s the money. ~Kin Hubbard

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. ~Jackie Mason

If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stocks, not selling advice. ~Norman R. Augustine

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. ~Woody Allen

Money may not buy happiness but if you’re going to cry, it’s better to do it in a Mercedes or BMW. ~Author Unknown

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale. ~Zig Ziglar

I want to get to a point in my life, financially where adding guacamole to my burrito isn’t a big decision. ~Author Unknown

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like. ~Will Rogers

Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. ~Arnold Schwarzenegger

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s in the sale. ~Author Unknown

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21 Del Boy quotes for fans of Only Fools and Horses

09/23/2025 by

Fans of the British television sitcom Only Fools and Horses really do love its lead character, the irrepressible Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter, played by the brilliant actor David Jason. So today I’ve put together a series of some memorable Del Boy quotes that I’m confident fans will love.

If you’re not familiar with the sitcom Only Fools and Horses, I can recommend the many clips you’ll find on YouTube. They’re all very funny.

So take a look at them all when you can, but not before you’ve taken a few minutes to enjoy all these memorable Del Boy quotes first. If you’re a loyal fan, you’ll love them all, I’m sure.

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Del Boy Quotes:

  1. You plonker, Rodney!
  2. Lovely jubbly!
  3. He who dares wins!
  4. You know it makes sense.
  5. I’m a black belt in origami.
  6. This time next year we’ll be millionaires!
  7. They’re yuppies. They don’t speak proper English like what we do.
  8. Rodney, everything between you and I is split straight down the middle: 60-40.
  9. It’s a well-known fact that 90 per cent of all foreign tourists come from abroad.
  10. You can’t trust the Old Bill, can ya? Look at that time they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom.
  11. You’ve always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education. That’s why you’re no good at snooker.
  12. As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, ‘We’ve been done up like a couple of kippers.’
  13. Asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr Kipling if he knows anything about cakes.
  14. Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you’ve ever sailed on, but now you’ve gone and knackered a gravy boat.
  15. There’s no point in running away. Running away only wears out your shoes.
  16. She used to say, ‘It’s better to know you’ve lost than not to know you’ve won.’ Dear old Mum, she used to say some bloody stupid things.
  17. One of my most favourites meals is Duck à l’Orange, but I don’t know how to say that in French.
  18. If you had been in charge of The Last Supper it would have been a takeaway.
  19. I got a Persian rug with more food on it than a menu.
  20. It’s the toughest chicken I’ve ever known. It’s asked me for a fight in the car park twice.
  21. No chance of this happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can’t even get Channel Three!

Del Boy Quotes French:

Fans of this series will know that some of Del Boy’s most memorable quotes are his attempts to display his mastery of the French language. Needless to say, he had no mastery of French, but his attempts at it were very funny.

So here are six of Del Boy’s best French phrases with a note on what he actually meant when he used them:-

  1. Pot Pourri! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘I don’t believe it!’)
  2. Au contraire! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘Hang on a minute!)
  3. Bain-marie! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘No problem!)
  4. Bonnet de douche! (By which Del Boy meant: Excellent!)
  5. Chateauneuf du Pape! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘It’s all gone crazy!’)
  6. Creme de la Menthe! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘The very best.’)

Honourable Mentions:

Whilst this post was intended to pay tribute to Del Boy and his many memorable lines in the show, I think it would be remiss of me not to include some honourable mentions of classic lines from other characters.

So here are three that make me smile every time I hear them:-

  1. He died a couple of years before I was born. ~Colin ‘Trigger’ Ball talking about his father.
  2. We might go out, get to know each other a bit, you know. Might like each other, then who knows? In time maybe she might do some ironing for me. ~Denzil Tulser talking about a potential date.
  3. Derek, will you get it into your thick skull, I’m not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I’m happy with you. ~Raquel Turner, in reference to Del Boy’s jealous nature.
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You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

09/23/2025 by

Do you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25, that I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile, and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them, and then please pass them on.

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Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

  1. I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
  2. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  3. Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
  4. My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
  5. A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  6. For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
  7. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  8. Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
  9. How is it that I always seem to buy plants without the will to live?
  10. The importance of teamwork is that there’s always someone else to blame.
  11. We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  12. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  13. Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
  14. The other man’s grass may be greener, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
  15. If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

  1. Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
  2. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
  3. An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
  4. It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, but what they mean is, you need to listen.
  5. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
  6. Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
  7. Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
  8. We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
  9. My boss asked whether it was me or him who was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
  10. Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away, and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.
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So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

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8 really funny jokes that will make you smile

09/21/2025 by

If you’re like me, you enjoy really funny jokes. Something to make you laugh and brighten the day. Well, here are eight really funny jokes that all made me smile today.

I hope you enjoy them.

And, if you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Really Funny Jokes:

1. Money’s too tight to mention:

Two old friends, Mary and Jane, were going shopping.

Mary was a spendthrift and she had a bad habit of constantly overdrawing her bank account.

Before leaving for the mall, Jane complained about her own lack of funds and sadly lamented, “If I buy anything, I guess I’ll have to use plastic.”

Unconcerned, Mary whipped out her chequebook and said, “Well I’ll be using rubber.”

2. Blood from a stone:

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s wealthy banker, so the director decided to make a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?” the banker continued.

“I … I … I had no idea,”  the director admitted.

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

3. Verifying your cheque:

The store clerk requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal cheque for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she said was the only thing she had that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank. 

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4. Asking for charity:

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m their landlord.”

 5. Ways of seeing:

Teenager, Billy lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a brief but fruitless search, Billy gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she’d found the lens.

“How did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing Billy,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

6. The rooster:

A farmer decided he wanted to go into town to see a movie.

As he was standing in line for a ticket, the ticket agent says to him. “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “this here’s my pet rooster, Chuck. I never go anywhere without Chuck.”

“Sir, I’m sorry,” the ticket agent responds, “but we don’t allow any animals in the auditorium.”

Now the farmer is a wily old operator, and he knows how to work around a problem.

So, he disappears around the corner and stuffs the rooster down his overalls. Then he returns to the ticket booth, buys a ticket, and walks off to take his seat.

On this occasion, he’s seated next to two old women, Maude and Daisy.

The movie starts and naturally, the rooster begins to get restless. So, the old farmer unbuttons his fly so Chuck could stick his head out to watch the movie.

“Daisy,” says Maude, whispering.

“What is it, Maude?” Daisy responds.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” Daisy asks.

“He just undid his pants, and he’s got his thing out,” whispers Maude.

“So, why worry?” Daisy responds, “at your age, it’s not like you haven’t seen one before. When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

“Well, that’s what I thought,” Maude responded, “but this one’s eating my popcorn.“

7. Devoted wife:

Harry is on his deathbed, and he says to his wife, “Mabel, I will be gone soon, and there’s something I must ask you. In these 50 years of our marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?“

“Well, Harry,” Mabel replied, “I must be honest with you. I was unfaithful on three occasions during these past 50 years, but always with good reason.“

“Really?” said Harry, hurt by Mabel’s confession. “I didn’t suspect anything. Can you tell me your reasons?“

Mabel sighed and said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our house because we couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?“

Harry remembered the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?“

Mabel hesitated momentarily and then said, “Do you remember when you had heart problems and we didn’t have enough money to pay your medical bills? I went to see your doctor one night, and if you recall, he did the bypass surgery at no charge.“

“Oh, yes,” said Harry, “How could I forget, Mabel? You saved my life, so I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Well,” Mabel continued, “do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed to be sure you could count on all 15 votes from the committee members?“

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8. The Lesson:

While walking along Pennsylvania Avenue, a congressman is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Suddenly he finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St. Peter.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter.

The congressman is still a little confused, given his circumstances, but thanks St Peter for his welcome.

“Now,” St Peter continues, “before you settle in, there is an issue. We seldom see politicians here, so we’re never quite sure what to do with you. However, we do have a procedure.”

“So, what happens now?” asks the congressman.

“Well,” says St Peter, “What we’ll do is have you spend a day in Hell followed by a day in Heaven. Then you can choose where you’ll spend eternity.”

With that, St. Peter escorts the congressman to an elevator and down he goes to Hell.

A few moments later, the elevator door opens, and the congressman finds himself standing in the clubhouse of the most amazing golf course he’d ever seen. Standing in front of him were all his old Washington buddies and other politicians who’d predeceased him.

They’re all having a great time, drinking, laughing and joking. When they see him, they greet him warmly, shake his hand, and reminisce about all the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of ordinary people. They invite him to play a game of golf and then afterwards they all dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

The devil joins them for dinner. The congressman is amazed at how friendly and caring the devil is. Nothing like he had imagined.

They were all having the most amazing time when the devil suggested it was probably time for the congressman to complete the process with St Peter.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and a wave as the elevator rises back up to the Pearly Gates. Suddenly the door opens and St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Well,” says St Peter, “now it’s time to visit Heaven.”

The time passes with the congressman joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. The time they had was pleasant enough if a little underwhelming, but it passed quickly. Before he realizes it, the congressman is back with St Peter.

“Well, now,” says St Peter, “you’ve seen what Heaven and Hell have to offer, so you must now make a choice.”

The congressman reflects on his options momentarily, then says, “Well, pleasant as Heaven was, what the devil has to offer me seems like a much better deal. So, I’ll opt for Hell.”

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and back he goes down to Hell for all eternity.

When the elevator door opens, the congressman finds himself in a stinking hellhole full of waste and garbage. Once again, he sees his friends, but they’re dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The smell is terrible.

The congressman struggles to comprehend what he’s seeing as the devil arrives to greet him. “I don’t understand,” the congressman says to the devil, “this is not what I voted for.”

The devil smiles at him.

“Yesterday,” continues the congressman, “when I was here, there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. How can this possibly be what I voted for?”

Once again, the devil smiles at him and says, “Ah, yes, you’ve noticed. Well, you see, yesterday I was campaigning. Today I have your vote. So, now you know how ordinary people feel.”

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So did these prove to be the really funny jokes you’d hoped for read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Articles you might enjoy:

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25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

09/21/2025 by

I always get the best reaction with blog posts that are full of content to make you smile. And funny witty quotes are particularly popular with readers.

With that in mind, I’ve been trawling my journals looking for funny witty quotes which I’ve noted for posterity, and that I hope you’ll enjoy now, dear reader.

So, here are 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you. Indeed, they tickled me and made me smile.

They’re all by Authors Unknown, but they’re razor-sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on, take a few minutes right now to have a laugh and enjoy them all.

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Funny Witty Quotes:

  1. ‘Be yourself is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
  2. Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
  3. HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
  4. Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
  5. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  6. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
  7. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
  8. There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
  9. You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
  10. If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.
  11. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
  12. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
  13. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  14. We mature with damage, not with years.
  15. Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
  16. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  17. Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
  18. I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
  19. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  20. The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
  21. The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
  22. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
  24. If at first, you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
  25. 129% of people exaggerate.

Please share this post with your friends:

So did these funny witty quotes amuse you, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. Thank you.

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