35 funny quotes about life guaranteed to make you smile

Today I’m in a philosophical mood, so I thought I’d explore some funny quotes about life. Every quote on the list I’ve curated made me smile, so I hope at least a few of them make you smile, too, dear reader.

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them with your friends.

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT LIFE
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Funny quotes about life (1-10):

  1. A wise man once said nothing.
  2. Life’s short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  3. I’m not lazy. I’m just in energy-saving mode.
  4. Life’s hard but it’s even harder if you’re stupid.
  5. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
  6. Life can be summed up in three words. It goes on.
  7. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
  8. Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.
  9. Life is like ice cream. You must enjoy it before it melts.
  10. I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money.

Funny quotes about life (11-20):

  1. Life can be a handful. That’s why you’ve got two hands.
  2. You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
  3. Housework probably won’t kill you, but why take the risk?
  4. Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes.
  5. Life was easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
  6. Stressed spelt backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not.
  7. Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
  8. Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
  9. Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
  10. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is.

Funny quotes about life (21-35):

  1. The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
  2. If you think you’re too small to be effective, try sleeping with a mosquito.
  3. Revenge sounds so mean. Better just to think of it as returning the favour.
  4. You may call them swear words but to me, they’re just sentence enhancers.
  5. There are three things a woman needs in life. Food, water, and compliments.
  6. They say you attract what you fear. Well, $10 million scares the life out of me.
  7. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
  8. I made a giant ‘To Do List’ for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it all.
  9. You need three bones to succeed in life. A backbone, a wishbone, and a funny bone.
  10. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never seem to use it.
  11. You never know how much you’ve got in life until you decide to de-clutter your house.
  12. When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
  13. Dear life, when I said, “Can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  14. Never trust people who smile constantly. Either they’re selling something or they’re not very bright.
  15. During the day I don’t believe in ghosts. When I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night, I’m more open-minded.
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If you fancy some laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

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50 funny what is the difference between jokes

50 funny what is the difference between jokes

If you’re looking for some “what is the difference between jokes,” dear reader, then I can offer you 50 today that I’m sure will raise a laugh or two.

Give people a laugh, and they’ll forget about their worries, at least for a while. That’s my philosophy.

Whether you’re at your local bar trying to break the ice with some new friends or at a family gathering trying to make your notoriously hard-to-impress uncle chuckle, these jokes are sure to be a hit. Well, I think so, anyway.

So, grab a cup of coffee, sit back, and prepare for an onslaught of comedic genius. Well, at the very least, a few groans.

Let’s get this laughter show on the road, shall we? We all need laughter, and there’s no better way to start the day.

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What is the difference between jokes (1-10):

  1. What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
  2. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well-dressed man on a tricycle? Attire!
  3. What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, whack, “Darn!” A bad skydiver goes, “Darn!” whack.
  4. What’s the difference between an elephant and a biscuit? You can’t dunk an elephant in your tea.
  5. What’s the difference between a teacher and a railroad guard? One trains the mind, and the other minds the train.
  6. What’s the difference between a jeweller and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
  7. What’s the difference between a Zippo and a hippo? One is heavy, the other is a little lighter.
  8. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
  9. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  10. What’s the difference between a new wife and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What is the difference between jokes (11-20):

  1. What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
  2. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
  3. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
  4. What’s the difference between a tick and a politician? One is a blood-sucking parasite, and the other is a tiny insect.
  5. What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
  6. What’s the difference between a thief and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, and the other watches your snatch.
  7. What’s the difference between a unicorn and a carrot? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
  8. What’s the difference between a comet and a cat? One has a tail that’s blazing, and the other’s tail is for chasing.
  9. What’s the difference between a banker and a vampire? One sucks your blood, and the other your wallet.
  10. What’s the difference between a poker player and a skydiver? One takes a chance when he goes all in, and the other when he jumps all out. 

What is the difference between jokes (21-30):

  1. What’s the difference between a chef and a dog? One wears pants and the other just pants.
  2. What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing!
  3. What’s the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, and a cat only nine times.
  4. What’s the difference between a schoolteacher and a steam train? The teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the train says, “Choo Choo!”
  5. What’s the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot’s father? One’s a pop fly and the other’s a fly pop.
  6. What’s the difference between a baseball player and a dirty puppy? One runs home after sliding into base, and the other slides into home after running in the dirt.
  7. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
  8. What’s the difference between a circus and a brothel? At the circus, you have a cunning array of stunts.
  9. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
  10. What’s the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student? One baits his hooks, and the other hates his books.

What is the difference between jokes (31-40):

  1. What’s the difference between a robber and a politician? The robber steals your money and then runs. The politician runs and then steals your money.
  2. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer miles.
  3. What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape? Grapes are purple.
  4. What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme.
  5. What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion? No one sheds a tear when you chop up an accordion.
  6. What’s the difference between a jeweller and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
  7. What’s the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist only takes the skin.
  8. What’s the difference between a gambler and a skydiver? A gambler risks going broke, and a skydiver risks going splat.
  9. What’s the difference between a mathematician and an accountant? An accountant would say that 1+1=2. A mathematician would need to prove it.
  10. What’s the difference between a casino and a church? In a casino, you really mean it when you pray.

What is the difference between jokes (41-50):

  1. What’s the difference between a pun and a dad joke? One just leaves you groaning, and the other leaves you groaning and slightly disappointed.
  2. What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.
  3. What’s the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman? The used car salesman knows when he’s lying.
  4. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
  5. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.
  6. What’s the difference between a magician and a politician? One performs tricks and the other just tricks.
  7. What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer doesn’t need a parachute.
  8. What’s the difference between a politician and a snail? One is a slimy pest, and the other is a snail.
  9. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
  10. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear, and the other’s a very good year.
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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these “what is the difference between jokes” made you smile, then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. So, it’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Just click on the links below.

Alternatively, there’s a lot more than humour on this site. I aim to inform and inspire, too. Feel free to look around.

Thank you for your support.

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5 short funny stories for adults that’ll raise a smile

If you’ve been searching for some short funny stories for adults, then here are five that will raise a smile, I’m sure.

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

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Short funny stories for adults:

1. The Lions and the Lamp:

Three hungry lions wander across the Serengeti National Park in search of food when they stumble upon an old oil lamp.

Having never seen one before and being naturally curious, they start sniffing around it. As they’re doing this, one of their tails brushes against the lamp, and then there’s a ‘Pooof!’ sound.’ A genie is suddenly standing in front of them.

Lions,” says the genie, “I’m the genie of the lamp, and I’ll grant you three wishes. That’s one wish for each of you.”

The first lion is so hungry he doesn’t need to think very hard.

I would like a big, juicy piece of meat, please,” he says.

Pooof! In a flash, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat is lying on the ground in front of him.

Well, it’s the turn of the second lion, and he’s so hungry he decides he wants even more.

I want a shower of meat, please,” he says.

Pooof! In a flash, there are big, juicy pieces of meat falling from the sky.

Not wishing to be outdone by his friends, the third lion thinks hard for a second or two.

Got it!” he says. “I want a meatier shower!

2. Parents know best:

Two young brothers, Will and Jack, had very different, extreme personalities.

Their parents quickly realized that Will was a born optimist, whilst Jack was a real pessimist.

So, being concerned about them both, their parents decided to take them to see a child psychologist.

The psychologist thought the parents were overreacting and tried to reassure them.

Mr and Mrs Smith,” he said, “I’m sure you’re exaggerating. I’m happy to review their behaviour for you, but I’ll be surprised if your boys are any different from any other young kids.”

In an attempt to allay their fears, he then took Jack into a room filled with the most exciting toys any child could possibly imagine.

Naturally, the psychologist expected to see Jack play with all these toys enthusiastically.

However, Jack just burst into tears.

What’s the matter?” asked the psychologist. “Don’t you want to play with all these wonderful toys?

No!” Jack responded. “I might break them, and then I’ll be in big trouble.”

Well, the psychologist was surprised by Jack’s extreme pessimism, but he couldn’t believe that both boys would be quite so different.

So, he decides to take Will into another room.

This room is filled from floor to ceiling with horse manure.

Naturally, the psychologist was expecting Jack to be completely repulsed by the experience.

However, Will was in his element, and he quickly started digging in the manure with his bare hands.

What are you doing?” asked the psychologist. “Why are you digging?

With all this manure,” replied Will, “there’s got to be a horse here somewhere!

3. The new teacher:

A new teacher is sitting with her 6th-grade class for the first time.

Naturally, she’s keen to apply all the techniques she’s learned in her teacher training, and in particular, she’s keen to use what she’s learned in her psychology class.

She stands in front of her class and says, “Right, children, everyone who thinks they’re stupid, please stand up.

Well, for a few minutes, there’s silence, and no one stands up.

However, just then, Little Johnny bravely gets to his feet.

The teacher smiles and says, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?

No mam,” Johnny responded, “but it’s not fair, you standing there all on your own.”

4. On the Starship Enterprise:

On the Starship Enterprise, Captain Kirk is chatting with Doctor Spock one day.

Spock,” says Captain Kirk, “you always remain calm and good-natured, even when you’re talking to people who are obviously far less intelligent than you. How do you do it?

Well, Jim,” says Spock. “I convey my contempt for people I consider inferior to me by simply agreeing with whatever they say.”

Really?” says Captain Kirk. “That’s absolutely ridiculous!

I completely agree with you, Jim,” Spock responded with a smile.

5. Telling the time:

Two old Army buddies, Jim and Pete, are sitting up late at night, enjoying a bottle of the finest Scotch and reminiscing about old times in foreign places.

They’ve been drinking all evening, and they’re starting to get a little tipsy, to say the least.

Eventually, Jim asks, “What time is it?

To which Pete responds, “I don’t know, but give me your old bugle.”

Why?” Jim asks. “How can you tell the time with a bugle?

It’s easy,” says Pete. “Just watch me.”

Jim passes him the bugle, and Pete starts playing Reveille very, very loudly.

Within seconds, a voice shouts from the floor above, “Who the hell’s playing the bugle at one o’clock in the morning?

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Dear reader, did any of these short funny stories for adults make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blogger to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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5 funny stories with a twist that’ll make you laugh

If you need a laugh, then here are five funny stories with a twist, which might just help.

I thought they were all funny, and I hope you do too.

Please enjoy them all, and then feel free to pass them on.

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Funny stories with a twist:

1. The Jigsaw Puzzle:

Joe lives next door to a slightly dotty old lady in her 90s named Mabel.

One day, Joe gets a phone call from Mabel, and she says to him, “Joe, can you please come over and help me? I’ve got a complicated jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.

So Joe thinks for a second, and then he asks Mabel, “What’s the picture meant to be when it’s finished, Mabel?

The picture on the box is a rooster,” Mabel responds.

Joe’s busy, but Mabel’s a dear old lady, so he decides to go over to help her.

Mabel welcomes Joe and escorts him into her dining room, where the box and its contents are all over her dining table.

Joe surveys the situation in front of him, and then he turns to Mabel and says, “Mabel, I have to tell you, there’s no way we’ll be assembling these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

Why’s that, Joe?” Mable asks.

Joe smiles benevolently and then says, “Mabel, why don’t you make me a nice cup of tea?”

“OK, Joe,” says Mabel with a smile.

And then Joe sighs deeply and says, “While you’re making the tea, I’ll put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.

2. Finding Work:

Jim is a young guy living in a small town who failed to graduate from high school.

Having left school, his father says to him, “Son, you failed high school, but you’re a man now, so you must contribute some money to the household if you want to live here. So, get a job or you’ll have to find somewhere else to live.”

Naturally, Jim’s concerned about finding work without any qualifications. The local economy is in bad shape, and work prospects in the area are slim, at best.

However, there are three factories in town willing to hire the unskilled, but they all have bad reputations as employers.

Having little choice, Jim gets a job at the factory widely regarded as the best of the three.

His first day was truly awful, and he hates the place. Everyone is so miserable, and people don’t speak with each other. Nevertheless, Jim is determined he’ll stick it out and try to make the best of it.

Two weeks go by, and Jim gets his first paycheck.

It isn’t much, but he takes it home with pride to show his father.

His father looks at the check and then says, “Son, this isn’t good enough. I’m not happy at all.

Jim panics and says, “Pa, I’ll do better. Don’t kick me out. Just give me a chance.”

He then goes out and gets himself a job at the factory, widely regarded as the second-best of the three.

His experience on the first day in his new job is even worse than before. People look downtrodden and broken by their miserable lives. Everyone’s unhappy.

However, Jim’s determined that he won’t let his father down.

Two weeks go by, and Jim gets his first paycheck.

Again, it isn’t much, but he takes it home with pride to show his father.

His father looks at the check and then says, “Son, what are you thinking? This isn’t good enough either.

Well, Jim feels awful. However, he goes out and gets a job at the factory widely regarded as the worst in town.

The experience of his first day is the saddest you can imagine. Other employees are sobbing, and some seem to think ending it all might be preferable to their miserable existence.

Every day is a struggle for Jim, but he sticks at it, and after two weeks, he gets his first paycheck.

Fearing his father’s reaction, Jim stumbles home, broken and assuming his fate would be to be thrown out onto the street.

He gets home and hands his father the check, fearing the worst.

His father looks at the check, then looks Jim in the eye and says, “Son, this is OK now. You’ve done a saddest factory job.

3. The Math Test:

The coach of a college football team walked into the locker room before a game and said to his star player, “Listen, buddy, I’m not supposed to let you play because you failed your last math test. However, I need you out there for this game. So, I’ll ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”

OK,” says the player, “go ahead, coach.”

Right, now you’ll need to think hard,” says the coach. “What is five multiplied by five?

The player thought momentarily and then said, “Coach, I’m not sure, but I think it’s 25.”

“25!” exclaimed the coach, excited.

Oh, come on, coach,” the other players all immediately shouted in unison. “Give him another chance!

4. Trying Out for the Team:

A freshman built like a battle tank tried out for the college football team.

Can you tackle?” asked the coach.

Sure, coach,” says the guy, “No problem!” With that, he proceeds to charge at a wooden telephone pole, shattering it into splinters.

Impressive,” says the coach. “Can you run?

Yes, sir, coach. Watch me!” says the guy. With that, he runs 100 meters, finishing in less than 10 seconds.

That’s fantastic,” says the coach, truly impressed. “But the question now is, can you pass the ball?

Well,” says the freshman, choosing his words carefully, “if I can swallow it, then I guess I’ll be able to pass it.

5. Cure for Coughing:

Johnny was a clerk in a drugstore, but he wasn’t very good at his job. However hard he tried, he could never find the item the customer wanted.

His boss, Bert, had had enough of him, and he gave Johnny a warning that unless he started making sales immediately, he’d have to let him go.

As luck would have it, within minutes, a man walks into the drugstore with a cough, and he asks Johnny for their best cough syrup.

Though he tried hard, Johnny couldn’t find the cough syrup. However, with Bert’s warning still ringing in his ears, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax with the recommendation that he consume the contents all at once.

The customer did as he was told and then walked into the street and promptly leaned up against a lamppost.

Now Bert had been observing Johnny’s performance from afar, and he came over and asked him what had transpired.

Well, boss, he wanted cough syrup, but I couldn’t find it, so I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take them all at once,” said Johnny.

That’s absurd! Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough,” Bert reacted angrily.

Sure it will,” said Johnny. “Look at him now, leaning on that lamppost. He’s too afraid to cough.”

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Please share this post with your friends:

Dear reader, did these funny stories with a twist make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blogger to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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40 witty Deez Nuts jokes that will brighten your day

Laughter has an incredible way of brightening our day; I am sure you will agree, dear reader. So, what better way to add a little fun to your day than with this batch of deez nuts jokes?

Whether it’s a little pick-me-up you need, a quick giggle, or some fun you can share with friends, these jokes are sure to crack a smile or two.

Whether you’re a fan of clever wordplay, enjoy the art of the punchline, or love the sheer silliness of these jokes, they are sure to tickle your funny bone.

So, please take a few moments to enjoy the silliness of them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

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Deez Nuts Jokes (1-10):

  1. What did Deez Nuts say to the psychiatrist? I’m nuts.
  2. What did Deez Nuts say to the pistachio? You’re in a nutshell!
  3. What did Deez Nuts say to the New York cab driver? Nuttin’!
  4. What did Deez Nuts say to the peanut butter? Spread the love!
  5. Why did Deez Nuts become a comedian? He cracked everyone up!
  6. What did Deez Nuts say to the vending machine? Give me my nuts!
  7. What did Deez Nuts say to the walnut? You’re a tough nut to crack.
  8. Why did Deez Nuts become a detective? He was always on the case.
  9. Why did Deez Nuts go to the gym? He wanted to get nut-solutely fit.
  10. Why did Deez Nuts become a chef? He knew how to spice up the nuts.

Deez Nuts Jokes (11-20):

  1. Why did Deez Nuts get a job at the bakery? He kneaded the dough.
  2. What did Deez Nuts say to the acorn? You’re a small but mighty nut!
  3. What did Deez Nuts say to his boss? You’d have to be nuts to work here.
  4. What did Deez Nuts say to the sunflower seed? You’re a bright little nut!
  5. What did Deez Nuts say to the chestnut? You’re the nuttiest of them all!
  6. Why did Deez Nuts start a dance troupe? He had some fancy nut moves.
  7. What did Deez Nuts say to the Bombay mix? You’re great with a drink!
  8. Why did Deez Nuts become a barber? He knew how to give nuts a clean cut.
  9. What did Deez Nuts say to the macadamia? You’re the nut of my dreams!
  10. What did Deez Nuts say to the esthetician? I’d like a back, sack and crack, please.

Deez Nuts Jokes (21-30):

  1. Why did Deez Nuts become a magician? He could make nuts disappear!
  2. Why did Deez Nuts become a teacher? He wanted to educate young nuts.
  3. Why did Deez Nuts become a firefighter? He knew how to handle hot nuts!
  4. Why did Deez Nuts become a lifeguard? He wanted to save drowning nuts.
  5. Why did Deez Nuts become a gardener? He wanted to nurture his nutty side.
  6. What did Deez Nuts say to the walnut butter? You’re the nutty spread I can’t resist!
  7. What did Deez Nuts say to the coconut oil? You’re the nutty secret to healthy skin!
  8. What did Deez Nuts say to the cashew butter? You’re a smooth talker, just like me!
  9. What did Deez Nuts say to the almond butter? You spread happiness, just like me!
  10. Why did Deez Nuts go to the ballet? He wanted to see a nutcracking performance.

Deez Nuts Jokes (31-40):

  1. Why did Deez Nuts become a plumber? He knew how to fix leaky nuts.
  2. Why did Deez Nuts become a mechanic? He knew how to loosen stiff nuts in a jiffy.
  3. Why did Deez Nuts join the police force? He was passionate about cracking cases.
  4. Why did Deez Nuts become a counsellor? He was great at listening and offering nutty advice.
  5. Why did Deez Nuts become a coach? He loved motivating other nuts to reach their full potential.
  6. Why did Deez Nuts become a scientist? He wanted to crack the nutty mysteries of the universe.
  7. Why did Deez Nuts start a comedy club? He loved making everyone laugh with his nutty jokes.
  8. What did Deez Nuts say to the walnut flour? You’re the nutty addition to my baking adventures!
  9. Why did Deez Nuts become a photographer? He had an eye for capturing nutty moments.
  10. What did Deez Nuts say to the coconut flour? You’re the secret ingredient in my nutty recipes!
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Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these Deez Nuts jokes made you smile, then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then click on the links below.

More fun you might enjoy:

6 short story jokes that will make you laugh

6 short story jokes

If you enjoy short story jokes, then I’ve got six real gems for you today. They all made me laugh, and I’m confident that they’ll amuse you, too, dear reader.

So, grab a coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on to your friends.

SHORT STORY JOKES
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Short story jokes:

1. Emily and the Apache Woman

Emily was driving in her Chevrolet Bolt along Interstate 17 in Arizona, on her way home to Phoenix.

Suddenly, she saw a poor, elderly Apache woman walking very slowly along the side of the highway.

Recognising that this situation was quite dangerous and feeling sorry for the poor woman, Emily pulled over and offered her a lift.

The Apache woman nodded silently in appreciation and climbed into the car.

Naturally, Emily tried to engage her in conversation, but initially, the Apache woman remained silent, and she seemed a bit nervous.

However, as they progressed along the highway towards Phoenix, the woman eventually started to relax a little, and then she started to look around.

The old woman was looking closely at everything in the car, apparently studying every detail. Then she noticed a pale blue gift bag on the rear seat behind Emily.

What’s in the bag?” she asked Emily, almost whispering.

Oh,” Emily responded warmly, “it’s a bottle of whiskey that I got for my husband.

The Apache woman remained silent momentarily, and then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of someone who’s been around the block a few times, she smiled and said, “Good trade.

2. The Naughty Boys

Charlotte had two young boys, Jack and Harry.

Jack and Harry were two young kids who were always getting themselves into trouble. If there was any mischief happening anywhere in their town, then usually Jack and Harry were involved, and Charlotte knew this.

Naturally, her boys’ wayward behaviour was a concern for Charlotte, and it was an issue she was keen to resolve.

One day, Charlotte read an article in the local newspaper about a clergyman in town who’d been very successful in disciplining young boys and improving their behaviour.

So Charlotte phoned the clergyman and asked him if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman said he was happy to help, but he stressed that it was important that he see each of them separately.

So Charlotte decided to send young Harry to see the clergyman in the morning, with his elder brother Jack to follow in the afternoon.

The clergyman was an enormous man with a stern face and a big, booming voice.

He instructed Harry to sit down, and then he asked him sternly, “Where is God?

The clergyman’s approach scared the life out of Harry. His mouth dropped open, but fear prevented him from speaking. He just sat there wide-eyed, with his mouth hanging open.

So the clergyman repeated the question, but this time with an even sterner tone. “Where is God?” he said.

Again, Harry did not attempt to respond. He was too scared.

So this time the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in Harry’s face, bellowing, “WHERE IS GOD?

That was it for Harry. He jumped up from his chair, screamed, and ran out of the room and all the way home. He didn’t stop running until he got to his bedroom, and then he hid in his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When Jack found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened, dude?

Still gasping for breath, Harry replied, “Dude, we are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!

3. The Test Results

John had been undergoing tests for a serious health concern for several weeks. Finally, it was the day for him to receive his test results.

So he was sitting in his doctor’s office, and he said, “Doc, I need to know my test results! Not knowing is driving me crazy.

His doctor reviewed his notes again and then said, “Well, John, there’s some good news and some bad news, I’m afraid. Which one do you want first?

To which John replied, “I think I’d prefer the good news first. Yeah, Doc, let me have the good news first!”

Well,” said the doctor, “I hear there are some amazing deals on cremations this week.

4. Deceiving another:

Scooter says to his friend Arlo, “Hey, listen, I need your help. I’m sleeping with Wyatt’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the service for me?

Arlo doesn’t like deceiving people, but as Scooter’s friend, he feels obliged, and he agrees.

So, after the service, Arlo starts talking to Wyatt, asking him all sorts of dumb questions, to delay him as requested.

This goes on for several minutes until Wyatt starts getting a bit annoyed, and he asks Arlo what’s going on.

At this point, Arlo feels guilty, and he confesses to Wyatt, “Scooter is with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied.

Wyatt smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Arlo’s shoulder, and says, “Listen, boy, my wife died two years ago. You’d be wise to hurry home right now.

5. A man and his Ostrich

A guy walks into a New York diner with an ostrich.

They both sit down at the counter, and after a few moments, the waitress asks them whether they’re ready to order.

Yes,” said the guy, “I’ll have the cheeseburger with fries and a Coke.

He then looks at the ostrich and says, “What are you having?

The same,” says the ostrich.

About ten minutes later, the waitress returns with their order and then says. “That’ll be $22.00, please.

The man reaches into his pocket, and, without even looking, he pulls out the exact amount of money for payment.

The next day, the same guy and his ostrich return, and once again the guy says, “I’ll have the cheeseburger with fries and a Coke, please.

And once again the ostrich says, “The same.

Once again, when their order arrives, the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money to settle the bill.

This goes on for a few days and is becoming a routine when one night they enter the diner and the waitress asks, “The usual?

No,” said the guy, “as it’s Friday, I’ll have the T-bone steak with a baked potato, a green salad, and a glass of Merlot.

Same for me,” said the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and then says, “That’ll be $53.00.”

Once again, the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money to pay the bill.

At this point, the waitress is unable to suppress her curiosity any longer, and she says to the guy, “Excuse me, sir. How is it you always manage to pull from your pocket the exact amount of money? You do it every time.

Well,” said the guy, “several years ago, I was cleaning my attic, and I found an old oil lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and granted me two wishes.

Really?” said the waitress. “And what did you wish for?

“Well, my first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the exact amount of money would always be there,” said the guy.

Now that’s brilliant!” the waitress responded. “Most people would wish for, like, a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you need to be for as long as you live!

That’s right,” said the guy. “Whether I’m buying a pitcher of beer or a Bugatti Chiron, the exact amount of money will always be there.

The waitress was impressed but still a little curious.

So what’s with the ostrich then?” she inquired.

The guy sighs and then says, “Well, my second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

The waitress smiled at him and said, “Be careful what you wish for, hey?

6. The Frog and the Fortune Teller

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out whether he’ll ever meet his princess.

The fortune-teller looks into her crystal ball for a few moments and then says to the frog, “Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Let me have the good news first,” said the frog.

Well, you’re going to meet the most beautiful girl in the world,” said the fortune-teller. “She will be interested in you, and she will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her, and you will give her your heart.

That sounds fantastic,” said the frog, “but what’s the bad news then?

You’re going to meet her in her biology class,” replied the fortune-teller.

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50 funny comebacks that say ‘Don’t mess with me!’

50 funny comebacks

Today, I am exploring funny comebacks.

Have you ever been in a situation where you wished you had a smart response straight off the tongue to put someone well and truly in their place?

An insult or funny comeback to let someone know that they’re attempting to mess with someone they really shouldn’t mess with?

Certainly, it’s a good idea to have your stock of insults and funny comebacks ready and waiting to be used, just in case.

This would be your deadly quiver full of arrows.

There’s nothing worse than being stuck for words, only to kick yourself later when you think of a good comeback, but it’s all a bit too late.

So here’s another selection of 50 insults and funny comebacks, so you’re armed and ready when necessary. No one messes with you, dear reader.

FUNNY COMEBACKS
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50 Funny Comebacks (1-10):

  1. Well, I was pro-life……until I met you.
  2. You’re so fat you could sell shade.
  3. If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
  4. You’ll go far, and hopefully, you won’t come back.
  5. Well, aren’t you just the sunshine in a stormy sky?
  6. Hey, your village called. They want their idiot back.
  7. You’re living proof that evolution can go into reverse.
  8. I gotta tell you, your wit is as sharp as a plastic knife.
  9. If there was an Olympics for rudeness, you’d be a gold medallist.
  10. Well, bless your heart. It’s truly an experience to be in your presence. 

50 Funny Comebacks (11-20):

  1. Well, aren’t you just a waste of space?
  2. You’re about as useful as a bucket with a hole in it.
  3. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  4. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to stupid people.
  5. Were you born this stupid, or have you had special training?
  6. I see you’ve mastered the art of making friends ….. disappear.
  7. You’re about as pleasant as the sound of nails on a chalkboard.
  8. You’re living proof that God does have a sense of humour.
  9. Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
  10. I must have missed the memo that said rudeness is the new black.

50 Funny Comebacks (21-30):

  1. Jesus might love you, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.
  2. Please tell me that you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
  3. Save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.
  4. Well, aren’t you just the little bundle of something quite unpleasant?
  5. I hear you’re keen to lose weight. Have you tried shaving your legs?
  6. Well, at least we now know that diplomacy is not a skill you possess.
  7. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it works, that’s for sure.
  8. Hey, the zoo called. They’re wondering how you got out of your cage.
  9. It amuses me when I hear you talk about stuff you don’t understand.
  10. You’ve certainly mastered the knack of making people feel unwelcome.
FUNNY COMEBACKS

50 Funny Comebacks (31-40):

  1. I just stepped in something that was smarter than you, and it smelled better, too.
  2. Oh, please, do go on. I’m on the edge of my seat, captivated by your lack of charm.
  3. Oh, look, it’s the master of snide remarks. Please don’t keep us waiting; we’re all ears.
  4. You’ve got all the social graces of a Black Mamba. Slippery and not very approachable.
  5. Do your parents even realise they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
  6. Meeting you has made me realise that there are some remarkably dumb people in this world.
  7. I have seen people like you before, but I’ve always been charged for admission.
  8. You’ve all the charm of a rattlesnake and the grace of a bull in a China shop. Impressive, really!
  9. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
  10. Don’t you know that it’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it, removing all doubt?

50 Funny Comebacks (41-50):

  1. You’ve got a lot to say for yourself, but I struggle to comprehend why any of it matters.
  2. Well, you’ve certainly got a talent for turning pleasantries into passive-aggressive remarks.
  3. I’ve been lucky enough to meet a lot of likeable people in my time, but you’re not one of them.
  4. You’ve got the kind of charisma that makes folks wish for earplugs and a sudden loss of hearing.
  5. I know this might sound alien to you, but you’ll catch more flies with sugar than you will with vinegar.
  6. I’m guessing you’ve never read Dale Carnegie’s famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
  7. I’m trying my hardest to see things from your perspective, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
  8. If you’re waiting for me to care, then I hope you brought something to eat, because it’s going to be a long, long time.
  9. You don’t have to be a complete prick all your life. You can always take five minutes off and give the rest of us a break.
  10. In science class, I learned the universe consists of neutrons, protons, and electrons. The University of Life has taught me that it consists of morons, too.
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30 hilarious corny jokes guaranteed to make you smile

Once again, I’ve been curating hilarious corny jokes to keep you amused, dear reader. So here’s another batch that I think might raise a smile or two.

They’re all officially classified as Author Unknown, but if you can identify any of these against an original author, then please do let me know. I am keen to add suitable credits and links to websites where appropriate.

So please advise accordingly, but not before you’ve enjoyed these 30 hilarious corny jokes.

HILARIOUS CORNY JOKES

Hilarious corny jokes (1-10):

  • What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down the stairs?
  • A condescending con descending.
  • I used to be a narcissist.
  • But just look at me now.
  • What did the ocean say to the island?
  • Nothing, it just waved.
  • A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
  • He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
  • What happens to illegally parked frogs?
  • They get toad.
  • Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
  • It means a lot.
  • What was a more important invention than the first telephone?
  • The second one.
  • Did you hear the one about the two radio antennas that got married?
  • The church service was just fine but the reception was awesome.
  • Why was the scarecrow given a promotion?
  • Because he was outstanding in his field.
  • What did the police officer say to his chest?
  • You’re under a vest.

Hilarious corny jokes (11-20):

  • Where does seaweed look for a job?
  • In the kelp-wanted ads.
  • Why did the soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
  • They were all seasoned troopers.
  • What is a vampire’s favourite type of boat?
  • A blood vessel.
  • What do you call a nervous celery stalk?
  • An edgy veggie.
  • What do you call baby foot soldiers?
  • Infantry.
  • What do you call a goat that lives on a mountain?
  • A hillbilly.
  • What do you call four Bullfighters in quicksand?
  • Cuatro Sinko.
  • What’s taken before you can get it?
  • Your photograph.
  • How many apples grow on a tree?
  • All of them.
  • What can you put in a large wooden box to make it lighter?
  • Holes.

Hilarious corny jokes (21-30):

  • What is served in glasses and is hard to swallow?
  • A stiff drink.
  • Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?
  • He was growing mashed potatoes.
  • Why did the baker stop making donuts?
  • He was sick of the hole business.
  • Where do hamburgers box?
  • In an onion ring.
  • What is the most unreliable vegetable?
  • A fickle onion.
  • What do you call an imaginary colour?
  • A pigment of your imagination.
  • What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
  • One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
  • When does a joke become a Dad joke?
  • When it becomes fully groan.
  • My friend is a structural engineer.
  • He’s always complaining about stress at work.
  • Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?
  • He worked his problem out with a pencil. It was a Number 2 pencil.
HILARIOUS CORNY JOKES
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4 hilariously funny story jokes to make you laugh

Today, I offer you four hilariously funny story jokes that I’m confident will make you smile.

We all need to laugh every day. There’s nothing better than a good laugh with your friends.

So here are four great jokes you can tell your friends to make them laugh.

Enjoy them all. And please, feel free to pass them on.

hilariously funny story jokes
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Hilariously funny story jokes:

1. Immaculate conception:

Jenny Smith accompanies her 15-year-old daughter, Caitlyn, to the doctor.

Good evening Mrs Smith”, says the doctor. “How can I be of help today?

“Well, Doctor Morgan, it’s my daughter Caitlyn,” says Mrs Smith. “She’s putting on weight, she’s being sick in the mornings, and she keeps getting these cravings.”

The kindly doctor smiles and then says, “Right then, let me take a look at her.”

He then examines Caitlyn thoroughly before turning to her mother and saying, “Well, I’m not quite sure how to break this news to you Mrs Smith, but your daughter is pregnant. Probably about three months gone, I would estimate.

Jenny Smith is shocked. “Pregnant?” she says to the doctor.

Yes, mam”, the doctor responds.

But how can that be?” says Mrs Smith. “She doesn’t even have a boyfriend. Do you, Caitlyn?

No mom, I don’t” Caitlyn responds nervously. “I’ve never even kissed a boy, and I’m still a v*****.

Doctor Morgan walks across to the window in his surgery and starts gazing out into the evening sky.

A few minutes pass before Mrs Smith feels compelled to say, “What’s the problem, Doctor? Is something wrong out there?

No, not really,” Doctor Morgan replies, “but the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men arrived on camels to witness the event. That’s a spectacle I didn’t want to miss.

2. If a job matters, don’t leave it to a man:

Gloria is getting increasingly concerned that her 3-year-old son, Billy, looks completely different from both her and her husband, Jeff.

So she decides to take Billy for a DNA test.

The results from the DNA test reveal that Billy is actually from completely different parents.

So when Jeff arrives home from work, Gloria says, “Honey, I’ve got something really serious to tell you.

Why? What’s wrong?” Jeff responds.

Well,” says Gloria, “according to DNA test results, Billy is not our child.

To which Jeff responds, “Well, don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper, and you said, ‘Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here’.”

3. County work:

Jim stops at a gas station on Interstate 5, fills his tank, pays for the gas, and, in doing so, also buys a can of cherry cola.

Before moving on, Jim stands by his car drinking his cola. As he does so, he watches a couple of guys working along the roadside.

One of the guys digs a hole about two feet deep, then moves on.

The other guy follows the first guy, filling in the hole that had just been dug.

And each time the first guy digs a new hole, the other guy is about 20 feet behind him, filling in the previous hole.

Jim watches this for a while and then feels compelled to say something.

So, as the two workmen get close to where Jim is standing, he says to them, “Hey, guys, just hold it a minute. Why are you digging holes and then just filling them in again?

Well,” said the first guy, “we work for the county.”

So, you work for the county,” says Jim, “but one of you is digging a hole and the other is just filling it in again. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you just wasting the county’s money?

Hey buddy, you don’t understand,” says the first guy, leaning on his shovel and wiping sweat from his brow.

Normally, there are three of us,” the second guy chips in.

That’s right,” said the first guy. “There’s normally me, Mike here, and Phil, but Phil’s sick today.”

Yeah!” says Mike, “Bill here digs the hole, Phil plants a tree, and then I shovel the dirt back in.

Right,” says Jim, “I get it, but Phil’s not here, so there’s no tree.”

Yeah!” Bill responds. “But just because Phil’s not here doesn’t mean that we don’t still have work to do!

4. You can’t outsmart an old dog:

An old dog strays into a jungle and gets completely lost.

A hungry lion basking in the sun spots the old dog from a distance and thinks to himself, “I’ve not seen this type of animal before, but he sure looks edible.”

The lion then gets up and starts moving slowly towards the old dog, gradually picking up the pace before he then sprints towards the dog with real menace in his eyes.

The old dog sees the charging lion, and naturally, he starts to panic. Who wouldn’t panic in these circumstances?

However, the old dog is also intelligent, and he realises he cannot outrun the lion. So, having noticed some bones next to him on the ground, he picks one up and starts chewing on it.

As the lion gets close, he then says loudly, “Hmmm, now that was some excellent lion meat!

Hearing this comment stops the lion in his tracks.

The lion stares at the old dog, thinking, “This old fella must be a lot tougher than he looks. It might be a good idea to leave him alone.

A monkey in a nearby tree sees what’s happened and recognises that the old dog has managed to fool the lion.

Naturally, the monkey thinks that this is a situation he might be able to exploit to his advantage.

So he goes over to the lion and tells him exactly what happened, in the hope that he might get something in return.

The lion is angry that he’s fallen for the old dog’s deception, so he says to the monkey, “Get on my back now, and we’ll get him together. We’ll teach him a lesson he won’t forget.”

So with the monkey on his back, the lion once again starts rushing in the old dog’s direction.

Despite his advancing years, the old dog is quick to spot them and realises what’s happened. He starts to panic again before he quickly gets another idea.

He then starts to act like he’s searching for something until they get close, and then, to ensure they hear him, he shouts loudly, “Where’s that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago.

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21 funny computer nerd jokes that will tickle you

Do you love computer nerd jokes? Certainly, they always make me smile.

So I’ve been searching for some of the best computer nerd jokes I can find, and today I offer you 21 of what I think are the best.

It’s virtually impossible to confirm their origins or their authors, but should anyone be able to advise, then please do let me know.

In the meantime, take a few minutes to enjoy these 21 computer nerd jokes that will tickle you and any kids you may have, too.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

COMPUTER NERD JOKES
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Computer nerd jokes:

  • What do you call 8 hobbits?
  • A hobbyte
  • What’s a computer virus?
  • A terminal illness
  • Which tea do web developers prefer?
  • URL Grey
  • How does a tree use a computer?
  • It logs on
  • What did the computer do at lunchtime?
  • Had a byte to eat
  • Why did the computer keep sneezing?
  • It had a virus
  • Why was the computer cold?
  • It left its Windows open
  • Why did the developer go broke?
  • Because he used up all his cache
  • Which computer sings the best?
  • A Dell
  • Why did the computer show up late for work?
  • It had a hard drive
  • What’s the first symptom a computer’s getting old?
  • Memory problems
  • What did the spider do when he went on his computer?
  • Built a website
  • Which snack do computer geeks prefer?
  • Microchips
  • Why don’t elephants use computers?
  • Because they’re afraid of the mouse
  • Why did the monkeys share an Amazon account?
  • They were Prime mates
  • Don’t use “beef stew” as your computer password
  • It’s not stroganoff
  • What do you get if you cross a worm with a spider?
  • A web crawler
  • What do you get if you cross a PC with an elephant?
  • A computer with a really big memory
  • What do you get if you cross a computer with a lifeguard?
  • A screensaver
  • I heard about a new website: www.needleinahaystack.com
  • Took me ages to find it
  • Why didn’t The Terminator upgrade to WINDOWS 11?
  • I asked him, and his reply was, “I still love VISTA, baby!”
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