30 sharp and funny quotes by George Carlin

Funny-Quotes-by-George-CarlinToday I thought it would be a good idea to look back at some funny quotes by George Carlin.

The late George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, philosopher, author, and social critic. He’s probably best known for his sardonic, irreverent wit and his reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various other taboo subjects.

Sadly George Carlin died on June 28, 2008, in Santa Monica, CA. He was 71 years old.

I loved his irreverent wit and I thought he was a very funny man.

If you’re unfamiliar with his work, then it’s worth checking out some of the many videos of his performances that you’ll find on YouTube.

So, here are 30 funny quotes by George Carlin that I’m confident will get you thinking about life, the universe and everything.

Funny quotes by George Carlin (1-15):

  1. I think I am, therefore, I am … I think.
  2. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
  3. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  4. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  5. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
  6. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  7. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
  8. When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.
  9. One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.
  10. The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  11. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
  12. ‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
  13. Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
  14. Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
  15. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

Funny quotes by George Carlin (16-25):

  1. Quotes-by-George-CarlinThink of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
  2. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
  3. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  4. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
  5. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
  6. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
  7. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
  8. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
  9. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
  10. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Funny quotes by George Carlin (26-30):

  1. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
  2. Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
  3. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s 2’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
  4. Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
  5. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

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