3 Really funny jokes to tell your friends today

01/17/2025 by

If you want people to like you, then always have a funny joke to make them laugh. Here are some very funny jokes to tell your friends today.

They all made me laugh, and I hope they’ll make you and your friends laugh too.

Enjoy them all.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. The infected thumb:

Bill’s away from home on a business trip and, as he’s on expenses, he decides he’ll have a nice three-course meal in a restaurant.

He takes his seat at the table, exchanges a little conversation with the waitress, places his order and then relaxes with a glass of red wine waiting for his food to arrive.

It’s not long before the waitress brings him a nice, warm bowl of clam chowder with crackers. However, he can’t help but notice that her thumb is sticking in the chowder. He’s not happy but he lets it go.

A little later, the waitress arrives with a plate filled with delicious Spaghetti Carbonara but once again, her thumb is immersed in the spaghetti. Again, Bill’s not happy but he lets it go.

Then as he’s looking forward to his dessert, the waitress returns with some hot apple pie, but once again her thumb is sticking in Bill’s food.

“Mam”, says Bill angrily, “every time you bring my food your thumb’s sticking in it. Why is that?”

“Oh I am so sorry sir”, the waitress responds, “but my thumb has an infection and my doctor says I must keep it warm and moist at all times.”

Disgusted by what he’s hearing, Bill snaps angrily, “Well, why don’t you just stick it up your ass?”

Sheepishly the waitress replies, “Where do you think I’ve been putting it when I’m in the kitchen?”

MAKE MONEY MANIA

2. The fishing trip:

Four married men are going on a weekend fishing trip.

They’re exchanging banter in the car on the way to the lake when Jim says, “Guys, you’ve no idea what I had to do to persuade my wife to agree to me joining you on this trip. I’ve had to promise to redecorate the living room and our bedroom next weekend.”

“That’s nothing”, says Mike. “I had to promise my wife that I would build a new deck around the pool area next weekend.”

“You both had it easy”, says Ed. “I had to promise my wife that I’d buy her a new kitchen, as well as pay for her to go fashion shopping in Milan, Italy with her friends next summer.”

They carry on down the highway laughing and joking, but then they realize their friend Vic has yet to say anything.

“Hey Vic”, says Jim, “what did you have to do to get the green light to come with us on this fishing weekend?”

“Not much really”, says Vic, “I just set the alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off, I tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, ‘will you make love with me or should I go fishing?’ to which she responded, ‘take a warm sweater with you, dear.’”

3. The well and the goat:

Two friends, Bert and Mack were out walking one day when they came across an old abandoned well.

Naturally, they were curious as to how deep this well might be, so they dropped a stone down it and listened for the sound of the stone hitting the bottom. But they didn’t hear anything.

So they found a much larger rock and then dropped that down the well but still, they didn’t hear anything.

Clearly, this was a very deep well and they needed something much, much bigger if they were going to hear anything at all.

So Bert and Mack searched around for a while and eventually they found a section of railroad track leaning up against a wall.

“This’ll be perfect”, said Bert.

So between them, they lifted this heavy piece of cast iron and with great effort managed to carry back to the well and drop it down the hole.

As they stood back to listen, a goat suddenly flashed past their eyes and went straight down the well too.

Bert and Mack were still recovering from the shock resulting from what they’d just seen when a farmer appeared.

“Have you boys seen a goat?” asked the farmer.

“Yes”, said Mack, “a goat has just jumped down this well.”

“No, that couldn’t have been my goat”, said the farmer. “Mine was tethered to a heavy length of railroad track.”

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Please share this post:

So dear reader, were these funny jokes to tell your friends as amusing as you’d hoped? Were they worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

 

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

10 memorable lines from the movies you’ll enjoy

01/10/2025 by

If you’re looking for some memorable lines from the movies, then you might just enjoy the ones I have for you today.

I love the movies and all the clever lines that are so memorable.

So I thought it would be a good idea to share with you 10 memorable lines from the movies.

I think these are some of the best lines of all time.

Enjoy them all. And please, feel free to pass them on.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Memorable lines from the movies

I’ll Have What She’s Having. ~When Harry Met Sally (1989)

It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage. ~Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. ~Animal House (1978)

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the War Room! ~Dr Strangelove (1964)

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. ~The First Wives Club (1996)

There’s only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples’ cultures and the Dutch. ~Goldmember (2002)

I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day he tells me it’s my fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him. Yeah, I did a little jail time but it was worth it. ~Living Out Loud (1998)

There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? ~Airplane! (1980)

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I. ~What About Bob? (1991)

You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk. ~Dirty Harry (1971)

MAKE MONEY MANIA

And a bonus memorable line from television:

I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? ~Chandler Bing, Friends

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it?

Were these some of the most memorable lines of all time?

If you were impressed with this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People do love the movies, so share this post now. When you share, everyone wins.

And if you could share this post, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Articles you might also enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Quotes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

15 quotes by Lily Tomlin that are sharp and witty

01/04/2025 by

If you’re looking for quotes by Lily Tomlin, this article is for you.

Lily Tomlin has to be one of the best comedians of all time, in my opinion.

Born Mary Jean Tomlin in 1939, I think she’s up there with the very best female comedians, like Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller, and could give any of America’s funny men a serious run for their money too.

She is, in fact, an actress, comedian, writer, singer, and producer and has had a successful career stretching back to the 1960s.

Here are 15 quotes by Lily Tomlin to underline my point.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Quotes by Lily Tomlin:

  1. We are all in this together, by ourselves. ~Lily Tomlin
  2. The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin
  3. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin
  4. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. ~Lily Tomlin
  5. I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. ~Lily Tomlin
  6. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. ~Lily Tomlin
  7. Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest then we can all die laughing. ~Lily Tomlin
  8. Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. ~Lily Tomlin
  9. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. ~Lily Tomlin
  10. The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~Lily Tomlin
  11. We’re all in this alone. ~Lily Tomlin
  12. I guess if people couldn’t profit from war, I don’t think there would be war. ~Lily Tomlin
  13. Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. ~Lily Tomlin
  14. When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime, and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. ~Lily Tomlin
  15. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ~Lily Tomlin
MAKE MONEY MANIA

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Lily Tomlin as interesting and inspirational as you’d hoped, dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case, then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me, then I will be truly grateful. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Quotes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

21 Amusing Quotes by David Brent

01/03/2025 by

If Ricky Gervais’s monologue at the Golden Globes 2020 made you cringe, then take a look at some quotes by his alter ego, David Brent. These are even more memorable.

Who could forget the cringe-worthy David Brent from the original UK version of the situation comedy The Office?

When it first hit our screens The Office was original and very funny.

Here are 21 quotes by David Brent to remind you of just what a clever comic creation he was at the time.

These quotes made me smile, and I hope they make you smile too, dear reader.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

21 Quotes by David Brent (1-10):

  1. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.
  2. A good idea is a good idea forever.
  3. There may be no ‘I’ in team but there’s a ‘ME’ if you look hard enough.
  4. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?
  5. Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
  6. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch bringing me more work.
  7. If at first, you don’t succeed, remove all evidence that you ever tried.
  8. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
  9. You have to be 100% behind someone before you can stab them in the back.
  10. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation. 
MAKE MONEY MANIA

21 Quotes by David Brent (11-21):

  1. If you’re gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes, make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
  2. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.
  3. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.
  4. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
  5. Statistics are like a lamp post to a drunken man, more for leaning on than illumination.
  6. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in wintertime he’s got something to eat, and he won’t die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
  7. I’m a friend first. Boss second. Probably entertainer third.
  8. If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain. Do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton! And people say she’s just a pair of tits.
  9. David Brent is refreshingly laid back for a man with such responsibility.
  10. On a more positive note, the good news is, I’ve been promoted ……. you’re still thinking about the bad news, aren’t you?
  11. I couldn’t come out and go, I’ve got some bad news and some irrelevant news.

Video:

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by David Brent as interesting and inspirational as you’d hoped dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case, then please share them with your friends because when you share, everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. I would truly appreciate it if you could do that for me. Thank you.

Articles you might also enjoy:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Quotes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

21 humorous quotes that’ll tickle your funny bone

12/30/2024 by

By popular demand and just for you, dear reader, here are 21 humorous quotes that might just tickle your funny bone. They all made me smile.

Unfortunately, I’ve struggled to identify the original authors of these witticisms, so they must all be classified as ‘Author Unknown.’

However, if anyone can help me on this point, I’d be happy to give appropriate credits where possible. Just let me know via CONTACT.

Either way, I hope they do make you smile, dear reader.

And should you be someone for whom life is a bit tough right now, then I hope they bring a little joy to what might otherwise be a dark day.

I hope you enjoy them all.

In my humble opinion, these are some of the funniest quotes you’ll read today or, indeed, any day.

Laugh long and laugh loud, for life is too short not to fill your days with laughter. Enjoy this moment, for this moment is your life.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Humorous Quotes:

  1. It was me, I let the dogs out.
  2. Parenthood is the scariest hood to go through.
  3. People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.
  4. Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  5. I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.
  6. Today is one of those days when even my coffee needs a coffee.
  7. I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
  8. An apple a day keeps anyone anyway if you throw it hard enough.
  9. I’ve made it from the bed to the couch. There’s no stopping me now.
  10. Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
  11. I think something’s missing in my life. Like four or five million dollars.
  12. You know you’re a mom when you understand why mama bear’s porridge was cold.
  13. I once had a job in an orange juice factory but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
  14. I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.
  15. Dear life, when I said “Can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  16. I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three or four times, you know, just to be sure!
  17. Don’t mess with me; I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.
  18. I was going to take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again!
  19. That awkward moment you can’t understand what somebody is saying after they’ve repeated it about five times.
  20. I remember years ago when all I wanted to do was be older. I was wrong.
  21. During his summer recess, Santa has been viewing your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.
MAKE MONEY MANIA

Video with audio commentary:

Please share this post:

So dear reader, did at least some of these humorous quotes tickle you? Was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these humorous quotes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Articles you might enjoy:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

30 of the best puns guaranteed to make you smile

12/29/2024 by

If you’re looking for the best puns, read on.

Do you enjoy clever puns, dear reader?

I must say, I do. I love them, and I’m always on the lookout for the best puns I can find, and occasionally I write my own too.

So here are 30 of the best puns you’ll hear today.

Unfortunately, I cannot be sure of their origin, but they’re guaranteed to make you laugh, of that I’m sure.

Certainly, they made me laugh, and I hope they brighten your day too.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

The Best Puns (1-15):

  1. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  2. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  3. Atheists can’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  5. A girl said she recognised me from my vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.
  6. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  7. The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.
  8. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
  9. I didn’t like my beard at first but it grew on me.
  10. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  11. Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.
  12. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  13. What does the clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  14. I dreamt I wrote Lord of the Rings but I think I was just Tolkien in my sleep.
  15. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
MAKE MONEY MANIA

The Best Puns (16-30):

  1. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  2. I ordered 2000 lbs. of Chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
  3. With great reflexes comes great response ability.
  4. Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the calendar factory for taking a day off?
  5. Why do the French eat snails? They don’t like fast food.
  6. A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason. Details are sketchy.
  7. Don’t make jokes about unemployed people. They don’t work.
  8. My computer’s got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.
  9. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
  10. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
  11. The best time to open a gift is the present.
  12. Why did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
  13. I used to build stairs for a living but it’s an up and down business.
  14. Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
  15. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of the best puns listed above made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face now, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then please just click on the links below.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Articles you might also enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

21 silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

12/22/2024 by

If jokes that are just slightly silly appeal to you, then here are 21 silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh.

These are the sort of jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers. Corny, but you can’t help laughing at them. Well, groaning anyway.

Certainly, they all made me smile, and I hope you enjoy them too, dear reader.

Take a few moments to enjoy them, and then please feel free to pass them on.

Silly Jokes:

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse’s wife drive? A Minnie van.

What do you get when you cross a dog with an antenna? A Golden Receiver.

Where should a 600-pound gorilla go? On a diet

What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.

What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me, and we’ll go places!

What would happen if you threw yellow sneakers into the Red Sea? They’d get wet.

Why did the photograph go to jail? Because it was framed.

What would Bears become without Bees? Ears.

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

Where do cucumbers go on a date night? The salad bar.

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball.

Why was the chicken arrested? Fowl play.

Why can’t pigs keep secrets? They keep squealing.

How do trees get on the internet? They log in.

What did one toilet say to the other? You look a bit flushed.

Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away.

If the early bird gets the worms, what does the worm get? Eaten.

Why couldn’t the pirates learn the alphabet? They kept getting stuck at C.

Why did the math book look sad? It had too many problems.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

Other articles you’ll enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

11/28/2024 by

In need of being cheered up a little, dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile.

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months, and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but if you know, please let me know via the contact page. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes (1-10):

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke, then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.

Witty one-liner jokes (11-20):

  1. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  2. I’ve no idea why, but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  3. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  4. Leave them wanting more is always great advice unless you work in disaster relief.
  5. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  6. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccups.
  7. If we should never eat late at night, then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  8. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  9. I read in the newspaper that a semicolon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  10. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat; I’m living on the wrong planet.

Witty one-liner jokes (21-25):

  1. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  2. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  3. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  4. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  5. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice, but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it? Did any of these witty one-liner jokes make you smile?

If you did enjoy this article, then please share it with your friends on social media.

People do enjoy witty one-liner jokes, so please share this post now.

If you could share it, I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

32 amusing quotes by Phyllis Diller

11/25/2024 by

The late Phyllis Ada Driver, or Phyllis Diller as she’s better known to comedy fans, was one of America’s greatest comic talents.

She was an actress and stand-up comedian with an eccentric stage persona.

Self-deprecating humour, wild hair, zany clothes, and an exaggerated, cackling laugh were her stock in trade.

Phyllis Diller was a hilarious lady and one who is greatly missed by fans of good comedy everywhere.

So today I thought it might be quite interesting to explore some of her quotes and observations.

Here are 32 quotes by Phyllis Diller that should make you smile.

Quotes by Phyllis Diller (1-21):

  1. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
  2. I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
  3. His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
  4. You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
  5. Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
  6. I buried a lot of my ironing in the backyard.
  7. My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
  8. The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
  9. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
  10. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
  11. You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
  12. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
  13. Life is a do-it-yourself kit; so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
  14. My photographs don’t do me justice. They just look like me.
  15. You know you’re old if they’ve discontinued your blood type.
  16. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once
  17. I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?’
  18. Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
  19. Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
  20. I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
  21. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Quotes by Phyllis Diller (22-32):

  1. I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband. How about short and cheap?
  2. The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
  3. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
  4. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  5. You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
  6. Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
  7. I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
  8. This man I was going out with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas but he gave me a bowling ball.
  9. Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, ‘I’ll tell you something you do that irritates me if you tell me something I do that bothers you,’ never ends in a hug and a kiss.
  10. To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbour. Neighbours always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
  11. This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him’.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Phyllis Diller amusing?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that’s true then please share this blog post with your friends on social media because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Articles you might also enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Quotes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

50 candidates for short joke of the day to raise a smile

11/19/2024 by

If you’re looking for candidates for the short joke of the day, then there are some great jokes on offer here today, dear reader.

Perhaps you’re just looking for something to make you laugh.

Then I’m sure at least one or two of these will tickle your funny bone.

Enjoy them all.

And then please pass them on.

Short Joke of the Day (1-20):

  1. I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
  2. Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
  3. Avoid dangerous cults. Practise safe sects.
  4. Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
  5. Remember, there’s no lifeguard in the gene pool.
  6. Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha?
  7. Never fight with a dinosaur. You’ll just get jurasskicked.
  8. I’ve just sold a homing pigeon on eBay for the 15th time.
  9. What did the daughter corn ask the mother corn? Where’s popcorn?
  10. Humpy Dumpty had a terrible summer. However, he’s had a great fall.
  11. Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
  12. A man was attacked by string instruments. It was a brutal act of violins.
  13. Q: Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? A: Because it lifts their spirits.
  14. I wouldn’t say Poop jokes are the best jokes but they’re a solid Number 2.
  15. Could there be a worse time to have a heart attack than during a game of Charades?
  16. Could there be a more aptly named firm of divorce lawyers than Ditcher, Quick and Hyde?
  17. If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt and preservatives, don’t open it. It’s SPAM.
  18. WIFE: I have blisters on my hands from the broom. HUSBAND: Why didn’t you use the car?
  19. I saw two guys wearing identical outfits and I just asked them if they were gay. They arrested me.
  20. Julie Andrews famously portrayed Mary Poppins in the film. Now I hear she will no longer be endorsing cheap lipstick. Apparently, it crumbles easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she explained, “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”

Short Joke of the Day (21-30):

  1. If I don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
  2. A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert.
  3. When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, does she become a Def Leopard?
  4. I didn’t think that wearing orthopaedic shoes would make a difference but I stand corrected.
  5. My wife told me I have two faults. She said I don’t listen and some other crap she was banging on about.
  6. If I get a headache, I take two Aspirin and keep away from children, just as it recommends on the bottle.
  7. We keep having meetings at work because our boss is keen to work out why nothing productive is being done.
  8. Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi
  9. I was struck on the head by a large bottle of Omega 3 capsules. Luckily the marks on me were only Super Fish Oil.
  10. A naked woman robbed the bank today. Despite the bank being full of businessmen, no one could remember her face.

Short Joke of the Day (31-40):

  1. At the bus stop, I asked the bus driver how long the next bus would be. The same length as this one, he said.
  2. Take me back to those wild pre-COVID days when we’d party hard and eat cake after someone had blown on it.
  3. I yelled “COW!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger. Then she crashed her bike straight into a cow on the crossing. What can I say? I tried.
  4. I got up this morning and ran around the block five times. By then I was tired, so I picked the block up and put it back in the toy box.
  5. I’m worried my wife might be showing the first signs of Alzheimer’s. She’s just told me she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.
  6. Why is it that brain cells, skin cells and hair cells all die constantly and yet, fat cells seem to have eternal life?
  7. I accidentally wore a red shirt to shop in Target today and, to cut a long story short, I’m covering for Michelle this weekend.
  8. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.
  9. I see people my age mountain climbing, whereas I get a sense of achievement just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
  10. I need to get in shape. If I were murdered on the street today, my chalk outline would be a circle.

Short Joke of the Day (41-50):

  1. I don’t think inside the box. I don’t think outside the box either. I don’t even know where I might find the box.
  2. I wasn’t planning on going for a run today. However, those cops suddenly came out of nowhere.
  3. 90 per cent of my Google search history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell correctly.
  4. I often wonder what happened to all those people who’ve asked me for directions over the years
  5. A dentist married a manicurist. It didn’t work out. They fought constantly, tooth and nail.
  6. My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my home, then I got a lift from the delivery guy.
  7. Have you ever woken up and kissed the person next to you, then felt truly grateful to be alive? I just did and apparently, I won’t be allowed to fly with this airline again.
  8. They say love is the best feeling in the world. I disagree. There’s no better feeling than finding a public toilet when you’re out and about and suddenly struck down with diarrhoea.
  9. In the furniture store, the sales guy told me the sofa would sit five people without any problems. Then it occurred to me, I don’t know five people without any problems.
  10. I’ve been in a lot of places but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve never been in Cognito either. I hear no one recognises you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips.

Please share this post:

So dear reader, were these candidates for the short joke of the day as amusing as you’d hoped? Was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these jokes made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you can put a smile on someone else’s face, you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, and please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then click on the links below.

Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »