29 clever puns that’ll make you smile

If you love clever puns then you’ve come to the right place, dear reader. I’ve put together a collection of 29 witty one-line puns that will make you smile, at least a little.

Certainly, they all made me smile and I’m confident that you’ll enjoy them too.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy them all. And then pass them on to your friends and colleagues.

Clever puns:

  1. With great reflexes comes great response-ability.
  2. What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!
  3. How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
  4. An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.
  5. I have a broken barometer that I need to sell. No pressure.
  6. Nuns wear the same outfit every day. Must be a habit, I guess.
  7. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
  8. I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  9. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up!
  10. If it’s cold, stay close to others. Otherwise, you might feel a bit ice-olated.
  11. I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting.
  12. Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!
  13. I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
  14. You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians! Everyone.
  15. To whoever stole my broken bathroom scales, you’ll never get a weigh with it.
  16. Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing.
  17. I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.
  18. Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh? Because they come with their own scales.
  19. I started a business selling yachts in my attic. Sails have gone through the roof.
  20. I wouldn’t let my children go to see the orchestra. There’s too much sax and violins.
  21. I told my wife I felt like a deck of cards and she said she’d deal with me later.
  22. I have a weird talent where I can tell what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
  23. Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail? She got a full sentence.
  24. The Pentagon was originally going to be a square, but the contractor kept cutting corners.
  25. What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.
  26. I’m a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Someday I’m going to be awesome.
  27. My partner’s name is David, so we named our son Harley. This way he’s Harley, David’s son.
  28. I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
  29. Did you hear about the thieves who robbed a theatre during a performance? They stole the spotlight.

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60 witty jokes with puns that will raise a smile or two

jokes with punsIf you enjoy witty jokes with puns in them then today’s post was written just for you, dear reader. I’ve put together 60 great puns that I hope will raise a few smiles with readers.

They all made me smile and I hope they tickle you too.

Grab a coffee and take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please fee free to pass them on to your friends.

Jokes with puns (1-20):

  1. A joke isn’t a dad joke until it’s full groan.
  2. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
  3. If you have any fresh vegetable puns lettuce know.
  4. I’ve just seen a baguette in the zoo. It’s bread in captivity.
  5. My friend has a dwarf cow that only gives condensed milk.
  6. I’m learning to count in binary and it’s as easy as 1 10 11.
  7. If a deaf man appears in court, is that still called a hearing?
  8. Why is it that you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
  9. I’ve been craving some oxygen and potassium. Is that OK?
  10. 50% off medieval punishment devices. Hurry whilst stocks last!
  11. Should the stealing of someone’s coffee be known as a mugging?
  12. I’m on a nut-free diet. I have to avoid people who drive me nuts.
  13. My son’s put his Grandma on speed dial. He calls it Instagran.
  14. I sympathize with batteries. I’m never included in anything either.
  15. What do we want? An end to acronyms. When do we want it? ASAP!
  16. What’s the difference between a fish and a piano? You can’t tuna fish.
  17. I’ve got a new job as a guillotine operator. I’ll beheading there shortly.
  18. Thanks to autocorrecting, I seem to be having some kind of midlife crisps.
  19. When you’re down by the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a Moray.
  20. I’m trying to think of an egg-sample of food that can be fried or boiled.

Jokes with puns (21-30):

  1. Apparently, the Wheelbuilders Association is looking for a spokesperson.
  2. Grammar’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts.
  3. I’d never let my kids watch a symphony orchestra. There’s too much sax and violins.
  4. I’m always being criticized for my poor grammar but why can’t people just except it?
  5. I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
  6. My Eastern European mail-order bride is on her way from Prague. I’m told, the Czech’s in the post.
  7. My son’s been eating electrical cable, so I’ve had to ground him until he conducts himself properly.
  8. The President wants to ban pre-shredded cheese. Apparently, his aim is to make America grate again.
  9. Swarms of flying insects are threatening a town. Apparently, the police have deployed a SWAT team.
  10. My wife blocked me on Facebook because I’ve been posting too many bird puns. Well, toucan can play at that game.

 Jokes with puns (31-40):

  1. Did you know that the legendary martial artist and movie star Bruce Lee had a vegan brother? Apparently, his name was Broco Lee.
  2. Why does the Government keep referring to a “Roadmap out of lockdown” when I think it should be the “Road to de-mask-us?”
  3. I’ve been trying to think of a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it with my first try, but nobody saw it, so I guess I screwed up.
  4. There’s a story in the press about a man who assaulted his neighbour with milk and cheese. How dairy!
  5. My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. Apparently, Jack and the beanstalk.
  6. I’m planning to open a fitness centre for Star Trek fans. It will be called, “It’s Life Gym.”
  7. A German butcher traded a sausage for a seabird. Apparently, he took a tern for the wurst.
  8. There are no words in the English language with all the vowels in alphabetical order, I said facetiously.
  9. Why is the divorce rate so high amongst tennis players? Well, to them love is nothing.
  10. I’ve just seen a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. It was a little condescending.

Jokes with puns (41-50):

  1. My local hospital has a sign saying, “Thieves Operate Here.” Personally, I’d prefer that to be surgeons.
  2. Don’t tell your secrets in a garden. The potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beanstalk.
  3. My geography teacher asked me what I knew about Damascus. I told her that as far as I know, it kills 99% of household germs.
  4. My child was refusing to come with me on a bike ride, so I had to use a little reverse cycology.
  5. A hole has been found in the perimeter wall surrounding the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
  6. My wife told me that I have what it takes to light up a room, but only if I move away from the window.
  7. There are three types of people in this world. Those who can do arithmetic and those who can’t.
  8. Why do I always wear two pairs of pants when I’m playing golf? Because I always get a hole in one.
  9. I’ve just got back from my appointment with my physician. She said that I’ve got to have an earring made. Seemed like an odd thing for her to say.
  10. I confided with my father that my wife wanted me to stop living in an imaginary world. He said, “What wife?”

Jokes with puns (51-60):

  1. I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d ever been with and she said, “Yes.” Apparently, all the others had been nines and tens.
  2. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the other team members have to drown too?
  3. DAD: Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. DAUGHTER: What’s that got to do with anything? DAD: It’s pasture bedtime.
  4. Thanks to our mutual dislike of newspaper puzzles, my wife and I have enjoyed a long and happy marriage. Thirty years and not a crossword between us.
  5. A friend of mine has taken early retirement from the Post Office. Apparently, he couldn’t refuse the package they offered.
  6. A lot of people are shocked when they find out what a terrible electrician I am.
  7. I arrive early for my booking at the restaurant last night and the manager asked me if I’d wait a little. “That’s fine,” I said. To which he responded, “That’s great! Take these drinks to Table 5.”
  8. Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me and I was like, “What the Hellman!”
  9. There was a huge fight last night at my local seafood restaurant. Apparently, there was battered fish everywhere.
  10. Everyone at Liverpool’s John Lennon International Airport has been quarantined. Imagine ….. all the people.

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