25 funny short jokes to brighten your day

FUNNY SHORT JOKES Life can be tough for everyone, don’t you think?

It can be stressful at times too.

When life is getting you down, laughter is always the best medicine. In fact, laughter is always great medicine, regardless of how you’re feeling.

However, the problem can be finding the time to go in search of a laugh or two.

Well, don’t worry, dear reader, because I’ve done the work for you.

I’ve been digging around looking for funny short jokes that might just help readers relax a little.

So today I offer you 25 great funny short jokes that are guaranteed to brighten your day.

Well, perhaps not all of them. However, I’m confident that most of them will brighten your day.

They’re all quick to read, and if at least some of them don’t make you smile, then nothing will.

So take a few minutes for yourself and enjoy these funny short jokes right now.

Funny short jokes:

  • If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive
  • They’d find me attractive by now
  • Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? 
  • Too many cheetahs
  • What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
  • A roamin’ Catholic
  • Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley
  • One was assaulted
  • What do you call a fat psychic?
  • A four chin teller
  • My girlfriend accused me of cheating
  • I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
  • A man asked me for a donation towards the local swimming pool
  • So I gave him a glass of water
  • I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage
  • I lost my case
  • What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
  • Hop in
  • What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
  • A flat miner
  • If you give an alligator a GPS
  • Does that make it a navigator?
  • How do trees get online?
  • They just log in
  • What do you call a singing laptop?
  • A Dell
  • Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? 
  • Because it’s always spotted
  • I don’t know what Armageddon means
  • So what? It’s not the end of the world
  • I’ve been told I’m condescending
  • (That means talking down to people)
  • What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
  • A Maybe
  • Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?
  • You can get thinner there
  • How do you get two whales in a car?
  • Start in England and drive west
  • Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?
  • He’ll dessert you
  • What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
  • Mice Krispies
  • What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
  • The purrpatrator
  • I went bobsleighing the other day
  • And I managed to kill 250 bobs
  • People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones
  • But people in Abu Dhabi do!
  • You may think it’s romantic to carve our names on this tree
  • But I have to ask, why did you bring a knife on our first date?

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Funny Short JokesI hope you found these funny short jokes truly side-splitting, dear reader. Well, mildly amusing, at least.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh.

If so, please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

witty quotes from funny peopleI love witty quotes from the funniest people, and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today, I thought I’d share some of them with you, dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people, and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  6. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

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You do? I hope so anyway.

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33 funny sarcasm quotes guaranteed to make you smile

FUNNY SARCASM QUOTESOnce again, I return to the theme of sarcasm and, in particular, funny sarcasm quotes. I love them as they always make me smile, dear reader.

Not only that, I always get such a positive response from readers when I include some funny sarcasm quotes. So I hope you enjoy them too.

If nothing else, you can add some of them to your little quiver full of arrows for when you need to be well-armed against stupid and difficult people, and there are plenty of both around. I’m sure you’ll agree.

So please take a few minutes now and enjoy them all.

Funny sarcasm quotes:

  1. I love the sound when you shut up.
  2. What’s wrong with me? Do you want a list?
  3. I have three words for you. You need help!
  4. Feel free to judge me, when you’re perfect.
  5. I may not be perfect but at least I’m not you.
  6. Well, aren’t you a little ray of sarcastic sunshine?
  7. Tact is for people who lack the wit to be sarcastic.
  8. Hey, you know what you’d look good in? Concrete!
  9. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you bad advice.
  10. The only problem I have with you is you’re still breathing.
  11. Am I always angry and irritable? No, sometimes I’m asleep.
  12. I’ve already had my patience tested. The result was negative.
  13. I try to see the best in everyone but you’re not making it easy.
  14. Did you ever get the feeling that you’ve seized the wrong day?
  15. I don’t hate you. I’m just not that excited about your existence.
  16. If I was a bird this morning, you’d be the first person I’d crap on.
  17. May your earholes turn into assholes and shit on your shoulders.
  18. If you don’t like sarcasm, would profanity work better with you?
  19. That girl could reduce a man to tears with one lash of her tongue.
  20. Being dead is like being stupid it’s only a problem for other people.
  21. You should be aware that my sense of humour may hurt your feelings.
  22. Your ass must be jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth.
  23. My text messages would make more sense if there was a sarcasm font.
  24. I hope you appreciate the effort I’ve put into not punching you in the face.
  25. Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t realize you were an expert on how I should live my life.
  26. I’d tell you to go to Hell but I work there and I wouldn’t want to see you every day.
  27. Ignorance can be educated and crazy can be medicated but there’s no cure for stupid.
  28. I thought rock bottom would be as far down as I’d go. I didn’t realize it had a basement.
  29. When I look at you I can’t help but think, “Why hasn’t someone hit you with a shovel yet?”
  30. Do I dislike you? Well, let me put it this way I’d willingly buy you a toaster for your bathtub.
  31. Let’s hope you experience a sudden case of explosive diarrhoea whilst you’re stuck in traffic.
  32. You’d be unwise to give me your attitude unless you want to be on the receiving end of mine.
  33. May the fleas from a thousand camels infest your ass and may your arms be too short to scratch.

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30 corny one-liners you might just enjoy

corny one-linersLooking for some corny one-liners, dear reader? A few corny jokes to make you smile?

Well, I’ve got 30 of them today, just for you.

I can assure you that these are all full ‘groan’. However, I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two in the process.

So take a few minutes, perhaps grab a coffee, and enjoy them all.

And if you do enjoy them, feel free to pass them on.

Corny one-liners (1-15):

  1. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
  2. I hate German sausage. It’s the wurst.
  3. I used to be a tap dancer, but I fell in the sink.
  4. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
  5. I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic; because it’s syncing now.
  6. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  7. What did the Statue of Liberty say to the New Yorker? “You’re such a Big Apple!”
  8. Why did the bee go to the doctor? Because he had hives.
  9. What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam!
  10. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi!
  11. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
  12. I used to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it.
  13. I was looking for my missing watch, but I couldn’t find the time.
  14. What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone!
  15. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? Nothing, it just waved!

Corny one-liners (16-30):

  1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  2. What did the paper say to the pencil? Stop scribbling!
  3. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!
  4. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  5. What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!
  6. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
  7. What did the monkey say when he found a banana in his cereal? A-peeling!
  8. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well-armed!
  9. I used to be a banker but then I lost interest.
  10. Why doesn’t everyone learn sign language? It’s pretty handy.
  11. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
  12. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
  13. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
  14. Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don’t have any body to go with
  15. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw the boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.

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5 brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day

HILARIOUS JOKE OF THE DAYIf you’re looking for some brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day then I’ve got five little gems for you here today. I’m confident they’ll all make you smile.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Hilarious joke of the day:

1. The Pull-Over:

Jim Murphy is a Texas State trooper patrolling the highway, and he pulls over a car for speeding on Interstate 35, about 15 miles north of Austin.

Officer Murphy approaches the car and asks the driver why he was speeding.

The driver gets out of his car, and he’s very apologetic. 

I’m sorry, officer,” says the driver, “but I’m a magician and juggler, and I’m late for a show in Temple. If I don’t make it on time, I won’t get paid.”

Sir, this might be your lucky day,” says Officer Murphy, “because I love to watch juggling. So, if you can demonstrate some impressive juggling skills, then I won’t give you a ticket.”

Oh, officer,” says the driver, “I can’t do that because my equipment has been sent on ahead and I don’t have anything to juggle.”

Well,” says Officer Murphy, “I have some flares in the trunk of my car; could you juggle them?

Sure!” says the driver.

So Officer Murphy gets five flares from the trunk, lights them all, and hands them to the driver.

The driver then starts to juggle the flares with considerable skill.

While doing so, another car pulls in behind the State trooper’s car. 

A drunken good old boy from Georgetown staggers out of this car, watches the juggling momentarily, and then staggers over to Officer Murphy’s car, opens the rear door, and climbs in. 

Officer Murphy watches him briefly and then goes over to his car and asks this guy what he thinks he’s doing.

“You might as well haul my butt off to the jail officer,” says the drunk. “There’s no way I can pass that test right now.”

2. Grumpy old man:

Dick and Doris are on a road trip on Interstate 5 from Sacramento to Albany, California.

They stop at a roadside diner for lunch.

After finishing their lunch, they leave the diner and continue on their journey to Albany. 

As they leave the diner, Doris forgetfully leaves her spectacles on the table. 

They’re driving along for about 45 minutes before Doris suddenly realises that she’s left her spectacles behind.

“Dick!” Doris exclaims, “I left my spectacles on the table in the diner. I can’t be without them. We’ll have to go back.

Dick is really not happy about this, particularly as it’s another 20 minutes before they reach a junction where they can turn around and head back to the diner.

Doris,” said Dick, “I can never rely on you to get anything right, can I? We’ve added two hours to our journey just because you couldn’t remember your spectacles.”

For the entire journey back to the diner, Dick bitched and moaned in stereotypical grumpy old man fashion, blaming poor Doris for everything that was wrong in the world.

The more Dick chided her, the angrier he got, and he didn’t let up for a single minute until eventually they reached the diner.

As Doris got out of the car, she said, “I’ll be very quick, Dick; just bear with me for one minute.”

Responding grumpily, Dick said, “Well, while you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card I left behind.”

3. The Pope visits Liverpool:

The Pope’s on a visit to Liverpool and he’s handing out miracles to kids in a poor neighbourhood.

A young teenager named Jack walks up to him and says, “Holy Father, could you help me with my hearing?

The Pope says, “Yes, of course, my son.” He then puts his hands on Jack’s ears and starts praying.

After a few moments, the Pope removes his hands from Jack’s ears and says, “How’s your hearing now, my son?

I don’t know, Holy Father,” says Jack. “I’m not up in court until Thursday.”

4. The elevator ride:

An old lady gets into an elevator on the ground floor of the Empire State Building in Manhattan.

On the very next floor, a young, well-dressed, and beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling of very expensive perfume.

The young woman smiles at the old lady and notices she’s sniffing at the fragrance in the air. So the young woman says, a little arrogantly, “Do you like it? It’s Dolce & Gabbana Dolce Eau de Parfum Spray, and it’s $122.00 a bottle.

The old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

A couple of floors further up, the elevator stops again, and in comes another beautiful young woman, once again smelling of expensive perfume.

As the old lady is once again sniffing at the fragrance in the air, this young woman smiles and says, “Do you like it? It’s Atelier Bloem Nieuw Amsterdam Eau de Parfum, and it’s $195.00 a bottle.

Once again, the old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

Ten floors further up, the old lady is about to reach her destination when she can’t stop herself from dropping an ass blast loudly, and there’s the most terrible smell.

As she’s leaving the elevator and noticing the look on their faces, the old lady smiles at her two fellow passengers and says, “Do you like it? Broccoli. 48 cents a pound.”

5. The cab driver and the nun:

A cab driver picks up a nun on Central Park West.

The cab driver can’t help staring at his passenger.

Why are you staring at me?” asked the nun.

Well, Sister,” says the cab driver, “I’ve always had this fantasy to kiss a nun.

The nun smiles at him and says, ”I can only kiss you if you’re single and Catholic.

That’s lucky,” says the cab driver. “I’m both!

So they agree to pull over into an alley, and the nun proceeds to kiss the driver in a way that would make a lady of the night blush.

As they continue on their journey, the cab driver starts feeling guilty.

Sister,” says the cab driver, “I have a confession to make.”

And what would that be?” asks the nun.

I lied to you,” says the cab driver. “I’m married, and I’m Jewish.

That’s OK,” says the nun. “My name’s Keith, and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.

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HILARIOUS JOKE OF THE DAYSo, dear reader, would any of these contenders be your hilarious joke of the day? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

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23 witty short jokes to tickle you and brighten your day

WITTY SHORT JOKESIf you’re looking for some witty short jokes to make you smile, then here are 23 that I hope will brighten your day.

There’s nothing like a good laugh to make the day feel brighter. Well, I think so, anyway.

So, enjoy the fun, and then please pass them on.

Witty Short Jokes:

  1. I saw a robbery in an Apple Store. Does that make me an iWitness?
  2. Q: Does February like March? A: No, but April May
  3. I have a fear of long distances, so I go to great lengths to avoid them.
  4. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.
  5. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  6. Q: What did the snowman say to the customer? A: Have an ice day!
  7. Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It’s pasteurized before you even see it!
  8. Q: Why do seals swim in saltwater? A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
  9. I had a fear of speed bumps but I slowly got over it
  10. Q: When does a duck wake up? A: At the quack of dawn.
  11. My girlfriend left me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I don’t have any.
  12. Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree? A: It sits on a leaf and waits till the Fall.
  13. I don’t normally tell Dad jokes, but when I do, he always laughs.
  14. Q: Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A: A convict.
  15. I went to my doctor to see why I had such an excessive fear of snakes. He said I have a reptile dysfunction.
  16. Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? A: No eye deer.
  17. A girl in the office asked me if I had a date for Valentine’s Day. I told her it’s always February 14th, as far as I know.
  18. Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers? A: Leeks!
  19. An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?” The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”
  20. Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who’s trying to quit smoking? A: A pumpkin patch!
  21. I have a fear of overly designed buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.
  22. Q: What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? A: Snowballs!
  23. I saw a math book and a dictionary on a date last night. They looked like they had good chemistry!

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WITTY SHORT JOKESSo, dear reader, did you find these witty short jokes as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

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Funny Comebacks: Here are 37 for dealing with rude people

FUNNY COMEBACKSThe art of funny comebacks is well worth developing.

We all have to deal with rude comments and mean, spiteful people occasionally. That’s all part of human existence.

However, how often do you wish you had a suitable response ready to go to put such people firmly in their place?

If only you had a stock of funny comebacks to choose from when situations dictated.

Well, here are 37 funny comebacks that you might find useful when you’re faced with dealing with rude, mean, or difficult people. How many of these can you work into your day today?

If there are any of these funny comebacks that you particularly like, then please share this post with your friends, but not before you’ve enjoyed them all first.

Remember: When you share, everyone wins.

Funny Comebacks (1-10):

  1. You know you really should buy some breath mints? 
  2. I have better things to do than listen to you.
  3. Whoever told you to be yourself has given you bad advice.
  4. I don’t care what everyone else says; I don’t think you’re that bad.
  5. Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
  6. I believed in evolution until I met you.
  7. Have you ever wondered why people don’t like you?
  8. I accept that I’m not perfect, but at least I’m not you.
  9. If ignorance is bliss, then you must be the happiest person on the planet.
  10. You always bring me so much joy ……. the minute you leave the room.

Funny Comebacks (11-20):

  1. I don’t need a proctologist to tell me you’re an asshole.
  2. I’m not a cactus expert, but I do know a prick when I see one.
  3. I would explain it to you but I have neither the time nor the crayons! 
  4. Sorry, buddy but I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
  5. Look, if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I had to do was fart.
  6. If only your dad had used a condom, the world would be a better place.
  7. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Take a day off and give the rest of us a break.
  8. Everyone said you were unpleasant, but I didn’t believe them ……. until now.
  9. Sorry, but you’re confusing me with someone who actually cares about what you think.
  10. Are you always such an idiot, or do you just like to show off when I’m around? 

Funny Comebacks (21-30):

  1. I don’t remember asking for your opinion.
  2. I understand what you’re saying, but if I agreed with you, then we’d both be wrong.
  3. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you’re abusing the privilege.
  4. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Well, me neither.
  5. No wonder everyone talks about you behind your back.
  6. Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.
  7. I was going to give you a nasty look, but I can see you’ve already got one.
  8. I’m busy; you’re ugly. Have a nice day.
  9. Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a personality for sale?
  10. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it and remove all doubt.

Funny Comebacks (31-37):

  1. I hope you step on a Lego with your bare feet. 
  2. You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.
  3. Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else would you be able to understand me?
  4. You can keep rolling your eyes if you must, but you’re unlikely to find a brain back there.
  5. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
  6. Don’t hate me, because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
  7. You sir, are a human version of period cramps.

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50 corny dad jokes that are all full groan

CORNY DAD JOKESDo you enjoy corny dad jokes, dear reader? Those that make you groan but also have a way of making us smile too.

Well, today I’ve got 50 dad jokes, which I hope you’ll enjoy.

I’m confident that there’s enough here to raise a smile or two.

So, enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Corny Dad Jokes (1-10):

  1. I can’t stop binge-watching fishing shows. I’m just hooked on reel life.
  2. Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants is a wife who told him which pants to wear.
  3. I heard a story this morning about a chameleon that couldn’t change colour. Apparently, it had reptile dysfunction.
  4. Why do people use a big word when a diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the task admirably?
  5. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. Apparently, he acquired his size from too much pi.
  6. BREAKING NEWS: A nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using her mother’s moisturizer which makes you look 10 years younger.
  7. At the boss’s funeral, a disgruntled employee walked up close to the casket and whispered, “So, who’s thinking outside the box now, Mr Whitaker?”
  8. In Jamaica, a steak pie will cost you around $4. In Trinidad and Barbados, similar pies will cost you around $3. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
  9. I was shocked when my son started chewing electrical cables, so I grounded him. That seems to have worked because currently, he’s conducting himself properly.
  10. In a Catholic convent school, children were lining up in the cafeteria for lunch. There was a large pile of apples at the head of the table. A note above the pile read, “Take only ONE! God is watching you.” At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies on a tray. Above this pile, some joker had placed his owned handwritten note, which read, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Corny Dad Jokes (11-20):

  1. I’ve just seen a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit. It was a Lamb Bikini.
  2. I had a job working as an elevator operator but I quit. There were just too many ups and downs.
  3. My ambition was to be a Hollywood lighting director but it turns out that I wasn’t bright enough.
  4. I’ve just had my pet frog’s DNA tested. The result suggests he’s part English, part German and a tad Pole.
  5. I tried growing blueberries and raspberries in the snow but it proved to be a completely fruitless endeavour.
  6. My boss asked me why I only ever get sick on workdays. I explained to him that I had a weekend immune system.
  7. How do you tell the gender of an ant? Simple! Drop it in water and if it sinks, then it’s girl ant. And if it floats, it’s boy ant.
  8. I’ve just heard that in Memphis there’s a new line of Elvis-themed steakhouses. Apparently, they’re aimed at people who love meat tender.
  9. My dad told me that I must work until my bank balance looks like a phone number. Well, this morning I finally got there. My current balance is $911.
  10. A wife was so mad with her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out. “I hope your life is miserable and I hope you die a long, slow, painful death,” she said. “Make up your mind,” he responded. “Should I stay or should I go?”

Corny Dad Jokes (21-30):

  1. I had a date last night and I really enjoy it. Tonight I might try a fig.
  2. Why do the French eat snails? It’s because they don’t like fast food.
  3. If cannibals eat a missionary, will that give them a taste for religion?
  4. If a dog gives birth to puppies on the sidewalk, will it be cited for littering?
  5. You may know where the Big Apple is but do you know where Minneapolis?
  6. I’ve been playing silent tennis. It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.
  7. When I arrived at the gates of the Drug Rehab Centre there was a sign that read, “Keep off the Grass.”
  8. The World Tongue Twister champion has been arrested. I’m sure he’ll be getting a very tough sentence.
  9. I hear that engineers have just made a car that runs on parsley. If only they could make a bus that runs on thyme.
  10. A young police officer named Philip was so good at his job that within a year or two he was voted Police Officer of the year. Naturally, he was thrilled that all his hard work had been recognized. However, very quickly he noticed that his colleagues, his family, his friends and even the preacher at his local church started asking him questions about life, relationships and so on. He started to feel a little awkward about this, given that he’d not had any special training that qualifies him to answer such questions. So he shared his concern with his wife, who smiled at him and said, “Honey, everyone in town knows you’re an award-winning Phil officer.

Corny Dad Jokes (31-40):

  1. Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He couldn’t resistor.
  2. I wish I could stop telling airport jokes but my doctor says it’s terminal.
  3. Did you hear the joke about margarine? On second thoughts, I’d butter not tell it.
  4. I told my wife I want to be cremated and she’s made an appointment for me next Friday.
  5. My wife told me I was getting fat. “Look, dear,” I said. “I can’t help it. I’ve had a lot on my plate lately.”
  6. We took our kids to the zoo last week. We’re going back at the weekend to see how well they’ve settled in.
  7. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. I’m not sure what they saw in each other. Their kids weren’t much to look at either.
  8. When I see the names of young lovers carved in a tree, I’m always puzzled as to why anyone feels the need to take a knife on a date.
  9. A customer walks into a jewellery store and says, “I want to buy a watch, please.” The clerk smiles and says, “Certainly sir, analog? To which the customer replies, “No, just the watch please.”
  10. A snail walks into a Porsche dealership and buys a 911 Turbo. After finalizing all the options the snail says, “And I want a big letter S on the hood and one on each of the doors too, please.” The salesman looked at him, slightly puzzled and asked, “Why, when your name’s Bill?” The snail smiles in response and then says, “Because when I open her up on the freeway, I want everyone to say, Boy, look at that S-car go!”

Corny Dad Jokes (41-45):

  1. Is there a more terrifying moment than when you’re a guest in someone’s house and the toilet refuses to flush after your morning Number 2?
  2. The teacher asked her class to use the word symmetry in a sentence. First up was little Johnny and his response was, “When you die you’re buried in a symmetry.”
  3. I went into KFC with my young son and I asked the lady for a kid’s meal with a leg. “Which side?” she asked. Thinking momentarily, I then said, “Does it make any difference whether it’s the right or the left?” When she stopped laughing, she said, “No honey, which side would you like to go with the leg? Mashed potato or wedges?”
  4. Now I’ve been in many places over the years, but I’ve never been in cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I must admit, I’ve never been incognito either. It seems no one recognizes you there. However, I have been insane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips, so far.
  5. A court jester was forever making terrible puns which the king found increasingly irritating. He’d expressed his displeasure to the jester on a number of occasions but the terrible puns just kept on coming, so the king sentenced him to be hanged. On the evening of the day before the planned hanging, the King visited the jester in his cell and said that, if the jester promised to change his ways, he would be pardoned. “Oh thank you, your majesty,” said the jester. “No noose is good noose!” The jester was hung at sunrise.

Corny Dad Jokes (46-50):

  1. The principal from my son’s school phoned and said that he’s always being a nuisance in class. “He’s always being a nuisance at home too,” I responded. “But do I ever call you?”
  2. I asked my wife to help me put up some posts in the ground for our new fence. As I was holding a post in place, I gave her a sledgehammer and said, “When I nod my head, hit it.” After that, I don’t remember much.
  3. Whilst out walking my dog, I met a man in the park. During our conversation, he told me about his four new rescue chickens. He really made me smile when he told me he’d called them Hen Solo, Jabba the Cluck, Obi-Hen Kenobi and Princess layer.
  4. A piece of rope walked into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind!” The rope went outside, tied itself into a knot and then started fraying the edges. The rope then went back into the bar only for the bartender to say, “Weren’t you in here earlier?” The rope replied, “No! I’m a frayed knot.”
  5. Jane had been visiting her husband in jail. Before leaving she spoke with one of the correction officers and complained about how hard he was being worked. “He’s exhausted,” she said. The officer smiled and said, “Mam, you’ve got to be joking. He just eats, sleeps and stays in his cell all day.” Jane thinks momentarily and then says, “Well that can’t be right. He’s just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months.”

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5 story jokes that are actually funny

JOKES THAT ARE ACTUALLY FUNNYIf you’re looking for some jokes that are actually funny, then take a look at these five little gems I have on offer for you today.

They all made me laugh and I’m confident that they’ll raise a smile with you too.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them.

Jokes that are actually funny:

1. Resourceful assistant:

Maude had recently been widowed and she visits the mortuary to pay her respects to her late husband, Bert’s body.

The mortuary assistant leads her into the Chapel of Rest where the late Bert’s body is lying-in-state.

On seeing Bert, Maude cannot stop herself from sobbing, with tears pouring down her face.

The mortuary assistant attempts to comfort her, putting his arm around her and saying, “Mam, I’m so sorry for your loss, but at least he’s at peace now.”

Maude struggles to regain her composure.

After a few moments, she says, “It’s not losing him that’s upset me, I just can’t bear seeing him wearing a suit.”

The mortuary assistant apologises before saying, “When men pass away, we always bury them in a suit.

But Bert was a clown, and he spent his life making others laugh,” said Maude. “His dying wish was to be buried in a clown costume.

Oh, I see,” said the mortuary assistant. “Well, let me see what I can arrange for you. Leave it with me.

On the morning of the funeral, Maude returns to the mortuary to spend a few, precious seconds with Bert and to say goodbye.

The mortuary assistant opens the casket for her, and as he does so, Maude smiles when she sees that Bert is now dressed in the costume he loved.

Oh, thank you,” said Maude. “But where did you find a clown costume at such short notice?

It was serendipity really,” said the mortuary assistant, with a smile. “Just the day before yesterday, another clown died following a tragic accident whilst he was performing at the circus.

Really?” said Maude.

Yes,” said the mortuary assistant. “And, as luck would have it, his family wanted him to be buried in a suit.

I don’t quite follow,” said Maude, a little confused.

Well, it was simple,” said the mortuary assistant. “All I had to do was swap their heads around.

2. Alligator fight:

Jeff had made his fortune as a hedge fund manager on Wall Street, but he’d had enough of the pressure, so he decided it was time to retire to Florida for the sunshine and a more relaxed lifestyle.

He bought himself a fabulous villa in the Everglades, and naturally, he was now keen to get to know his neighbours,

So, he decides to throw a big poolside party at his villa, and he invites everyone in the street, including a local politician named Joe Garcia.

Well, the party is going well and everyone’s having a great time. The food’s good, the wine’s the best, and the music has everyone dancing.

As everything’s in full swing, Jeff suddenly shouts, “Now listen up everyone. There’s a 12-foot alligator in the pool, and I’ll buy a brand-new Porsche Cayenne for anyone who’ll join him for a swim.

Barely had Jeff offered this challenge when he hears the sound of a loud splash.

He looks towards the pool and there’s local politician, Joe Garcia in the water, fighting madly with the alligator.

It’s a mean fight with wrestling, punches, biting, and choke holds. Water is splashing everywhere, and Joe Garcia and the alligator are raising hell.

Finally, after what seemed like an age, Joe Garcia strangles the alligator and leaves it floating on the surface of the pool.

He then staggers wearily out of the pool, as everyone stares at him in disbelief.

Well, Joe,” says Jeff, “I owe you a Porsche Cayenne.”

No, that won’t be necessary, I don’t want it,” said Joe.

Oh, come on,” said Jeff. “I have to give you something, you won the bet.

No thanks, I have a nice car and I don’t need another one,” Joe insisted.

Come on, you were amazing,” said Jeff. “How about I give you a Rolex watch?

Once again, Joe Garcia says, “No thanks.”

Confused, Jeff asks, “Well then, what do you want?

Joe looked around suspiciously at his fellow revellers and then said, “I want to get even with the son-of-a-bitch who pushed me in!

3. Hard truth:

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were in an art gallery viewing a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

Look at their reserve and calm,” said the Englishman. “That suggests they were English.”

Nonsense,” said the Frenchman. “They are naked and beautiful. That suggests they must have been French.”

The Russian reflected on what he’d just heard momentarily and then he shook his head. “No,” he said. “They have no clothes, no shelter and only an apple to eat and they’re being told they’re in paradise. They were definitely Russian.

4. Ageing problems:

Old Albert is visiting his doctor because he’s been having trouble with his hearing.

Doc,” says Albert, “I’ve been having problems with my hearing.”

Right!” says the doctor. “Let me take a closer look.

With that, the doctor picks up an otoscope and begins inspecting Albert’s ear.

After a few moments of inspection, the doctor says, “It looks like there’s some sort of object stuck in your ear.

The doctor grabs a pair of tweezers and proceeds to remove the object carefully.

As he pulls it out, the doctor looks at it closely and then exclaims, “It looks like a suppository!

Old Albert looks closely at the suppository, and then he looks at the doctor and says “Doc, can I use your phone?”

Of course,” the doctor replied.

I need to tell my wife that I now know where I put my hearing aid,” Albert continued.

5. Amish ways:

An elderly Amish woman was driving her buggy to a nearby town when a police officer stops her on the road.

Mam, I’m sorry to stop you,” said the police officer, “but I noticed that your rear reflector is broken, and this could be dangerous.”

Officer, I thank thee,” the Amish woman replied. “As soon as I get home, I’ll have my husband fix it.

Well, that’s fine,” said the police officer, “but I also noticed that one of the reins is wrapped around your horse’s testicles. That’s not going to be very comfortable for the horse. So, please have your husband check that too.”

Officer, again, I must thank thee,” said the woman. “I’ll mention it to him as soon as I get home.

True to her word, as soon as the Amish woman got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector on the buggy.

I’ll attend to it immediately,” he responded.

Good,” she replied. “And while you’re at it, the police officer seemed to think there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”

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5 story jokes that are actually funnySo, were any of these jokes genuinely funny for you? I hope so, dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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5 really funny jokes to make you smile

REALLY FUNNY JOKESIf you’re looking for some really funny jokes, then take a look at these five I’ve got for you today.

They all made me smile and I’m confident they’ll tickle your funny bone too.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them.

Really funny jokes:

1. The Parrot:

Jack is a magician performing magic shows on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

It’s an undemanding workload of two shows a day to a crowd of elderly American tourists, who all seem to enjoy his show.

However, there’s one problem that’s increasingly challenging for Jack and that’s the captain’s talking parrot which he brings to every show.

The parrot’s seen Jack’s show so many times it knows how all the tricks are done and it reveals these secrets to the audience after each trick.

When there’s a trick with a water jug, the parrot will say, “It’s a fake water jug!

When there’s a trick with a rabbit, the parrot will say, “The rabbit is under his hat!

And when there’s the showpiece finale with Jack’s pretty assistant, the parrot will say, “The girl’s hiding under a trap door!

Frustrating as all this is for Jack, the audience thinks it’s part of the act and they love it.

So instead of coming to see Jack perform his magic tricks, the crowds are turning up to see him being humiliated by the parrot.

To turn things around, Jack’s constantly trying to find a new trick to impress the crowd. A trick that the parrot won’t know how it’s done.

One day, he announces a spectacular new disappearing trick which involves pyrotechnics and fire.

All the passengers and crew fill the auditorium to see this new trick on the first night it’s being performed.

Unfortunately, as he’s performing it, Jack accidentally ignites a nearby fuel line causing a series of explosions resulting in the ship breaking apart and sinking within seconds.

The next morning as the sun rises, all that’s left of the ship is some floating wreckage with Jack and the parrot clinging to it.

Jack and the parrot glare at each other but no words are spoken.

This goes on for several days until, at the end of the week, the parrot breaks the silence by saying, “OK I give up. Where’s the ship?

2. Little Johnny Joke:

Old Mrs Thompson could hear someone sobbing, so she wandered out into her backyard to see what was going on.

Quickly, she realises that the sobbing sounds are coming from next door.

Naturally, being curious, she looks over the fence to see what’s going on.

There she sees little Johnny, with tears streaming down his cheeks, patting down a large mound of earth with a spade.

Hello Johnny,” said Mrs Thompson, “is everything alright?

No, it’s not alright mam,” said Johnny. “My goldfish is dead, and I’ve just had to bury it.

I’m sorry to hear that,” Mrs Thompson responded.

Staring momentarily at the mound of earth that Johnny’s patting down, Mrs Thompson then inquired, “That seems like a large grave for a goldfish, Johnny, why did you make it so big?

Because the goldfish’s inside your cat!” Johnny responded.

3. The Old Tomb:

In Russia, a group of building workers are digging the foundations for a multistorey building when, suddenly, they discover an old tomb.

So, the site manager calls in three groups of experts to investigate. The experts include anthropologists, archaeologists, and the KGB.

The anthropologists looked inside the tomb, did some testing, took photographs, and then produced a report. They conclude that the tomb was that of a nobleman from medieval times. However, they felt more testing was required.

So, the archaeologists started their investigation. They take samples, have them tested in the laboratory, and then check the results against their database. Finally, they agree on a conclusion.

Their report suggests that the tomb, and the body in it, is that of a male, probably in his fifties when he died. They believed that the tomb was sealed around the year 1,100. However, once again, they suggest more investigation is required for a more precise answer.

So, at this point, the KGB entered the tomb. The door was immediately sealed, and nothing could be heard for a few days. Eventually, the door opens again and the men from the KGB present their conclusion.

The KGB chief says, “We have established that this is the tomb of Vladimir Demidov, born in the year 1,025, March 9th. He was the ruler of this province for 30 years after his father died of an unknown illness. He was married to Lady Yelizaveta in 1,047. They had no children and when he died, his tomb was sealed to preserve the sanctity of his rest, under the Holy Trinity Russian Orthodox Church, which was demolished in 1,800 when the town was reformed.

The other experts looked on in amazement, until one asked, “How were you able to gather so much precise information so quickly?

Well,” said the KGB chief, “we took our time, naturally, but with our methods, it was only a matter of time before the corpse confessed everything.”

4. Three Wishes:

One day three guys, Jim, Rick, and Bobby, are out having a relaxing day out fishing near Cape Cod.

Suddenly, to their great surprise, they catch a mermaid.

They haul the mermaid up in a net, and she promises them that if they set her free, in return she will grant each of them a wish.

Jim is unconvinced, so he says, “Alright, if you can grant wishes, then double my IQ.

Done!” says the mermaid. Suddenly Jim has a way with words, can express himself clearly and can even write poetry effortlessly.

Rick is so amazed at what he’s just witnessed, he says to the mermaid, “Alright, I want you to triple my IQ.

Done!” says the mermaid. Suddenly, Rick can do complex arithmetic calculations in his head with ease.

Well, Bobby is truly impressed with what he’s just seen, so he says, “Alright, I want you to quadruple my IQ.”

Sir,” says the mermaid, “I don’t normally try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but you really should reconsider your request.”

Why?” asks Bobby.

Well, sir,” the mermaid responds, “the implications of what you’re asking will be greater than you think.”

Well, I don’t care,” says Bobby. “If you want us to set you free, I want my IQ quadrupled.

The mermaid smiles and says, “As you wish.”

With that, there’s a puff of smoke and Bobby suddenly turns into a woman.

5. Wasp Expert:

Jim is a world expert on wasps and the sounds they make and he’s walking along Main Street when he stumbles upon a record shop specialising in vinyl records.

Jim wanders into the store for a look around and he’s thumbing through the record racks when he finds an album titled ‘Wasps of the World and the Sounds They Make.’

Intrigued, Jim asks if he can listen to a track.

The clerk agrees and Jim steps into the booth to listen.

Well, he listens but he doesn’t recognise the sound.

So, Jim says to the clerk, “Hey buddy, I’m an expert on wasp sounds and I didn’t recognise the sounds on that track.”

Sir, I’m sorry,” says the clerk, “let me play you another track.”

Another track is played but Jim doesn’t recognise that sound.

Listen, buddy,” says Jim, “I am a wasp expert, and I don’t recognise that sound either.

Let me play you another one then,” says the clerk.

Another track is played with the same result.

No!” says Jim, “I’m sorry but these are not wasp sounds. I’m an expert and I’d know.”

The clerk looked puzzled momentarily, as he studied the album.

Then he suddenly exclaimed, “I’m sorry! I’ve just realised, I was playing you the bee side.

Please share the fun:

Really Funny JokesSo, did any of these really funny jokes tickle you today, dear reader? I hope so.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Other articles you might enjoy:

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